#literally did this back in january but i guess tumblr can have it now

[barkablebehaviour]

No. But really. I am so categorically down terrible. But also for the game, the amount of fun facts I could compile, would, make google doc tremble with the sheerest of fear. And probably make me cry, I’ve already got all their D.O.B. All the dates and occurrences, done some guessing games. Did math for this stupid ass COD game, which is high praise because getting me to do math is like telling me to date a man. Which, y’know, is never gonna happen. Not to mention. The split-Bell au, duel-Bell au? Never figured out what we were gonna call that, can truly show the depth of the games options. Blake Miller — Aka Wolf — (fem!bell), is the lethal untameable of the coin who would send the team into its demise of it weren’t for Belvedere Grasso — Aka Bell — (mal!bell) who interjects after the subsequent interrogation after Blake fibs about the Duga-2 Array being the nuclear armaments host location. But what I think is interesting is that Bell no matter the options isn’t thinking completely coherently. I mean, literally. Imagine you’ve just been given a healthy dosage of a unknown and likely hallucinogenic or memory reactive drug, right through the cerebral no doubt. Y’know, casually, ADMINISTERED THROUGH THE EYE. That’s painful, and incredibly dread inducing. Followed by the occurrence of one of the most gut-turning memory sequences, and outwardly we hear that Bell undergoes seizures(multiple depending on the route what V/O you’re given), a quickened pulse and likely more unspoken of. But it’s all dependant on the path taken, you seem to have a much easier job if you listen to Adler. However, if you don’t. You go through a literal psychological horror, you go back to the point where it started. You go back to where your identity was stripped from its very core.

Which again is why I like two Bells, even if it’s complicated to establish. Especially when they’re half-siblings. You see: Blake, doesn’t listen. She doesn’t trust Adler, she disdains his existence. Every breath of smoke he extinguishes from his charred lungs. He projected on her gave her scars to remember. Belvedere does trust him, for god sakes he loves him of course his voice is a soothing guidance amongst a sea of otherworldly horrors. Put perhaps that trust is near religious in nature.

In other words, me and @ssmoki are terrible! This game has consumed my mind since 2020 when I played the game when I was sick and didn’t understand what the fuck was going on! But I may also write a whole fanfic for this AU. Which’ll be like making a Trojan horse by myself because, wow, that’s a lot of character deets! But all I gotta do is remember the painfully agonising slowburn I have for two special dumbasses. Well, one certainly isn’t a dumbass but Blake sure is. And ofc whatever the blazing glory star that is Bell/Adler. We love our intoxicatingly loving, near insane levels of Florence Nightingale syndrome lovelies! Anyways! Heres a fun fact — Adler was born in 1937 on February. During Fracture Jaw (January 26th, 1968), that would make him 30 as it takes place in January. I think, again I don’t do math. Also another one; I chose the name Blake for fem!bell (Her real name is actually Yelena Ivana Krasnova, which is a mouthful) when I was going by Wyatt. So now when I say Blake I get confused on whether it’s me or my own damn self-insert at this point. Which now that I think about it is really driving the ‘self-insert’ aspect. But hey, all OCs for media are conventionally self inserts! Let’s be honest..

Also I don’t use tumblr often so like.. Catch me anywhere else, how ‘bout that. And I am also, terrible with social interaction. Hey guys, how are you! /h /gen

#cod bocw #bocw #black ops cold war #im going feral #really long way of saying I adore this game! #Anyways fanfic mayhaps if I learn what taking things in healthy dosages is.. #Also like #helen park #call me a simp but she has no right being the way she is #And I realise I can go on a whole other meandering-spiel about psychoanalysing all of these characters for what they are like wow

[voylitscope]

Hello! I am at least 90 percent back, and I am very much on the way to things being okay.

I comfort-watched CATWS last night. It was tremendously effective, and I had a lot of feelings about it. I'm going to sink into all the fic I'm behind on later today. I am very much looking forward to it.

I have a lot of things I need to get done, but I'm also going to need some distractions. I'd love any TV/Movie recs anyone wants to throw my way.

Skippable, very personal, heavy, and emotional stuff:

So, I am literally typing this from a cabin in the small town I'm hiding out in for the next few weeks. The cabin and town that I — escaped to with my laptop and two duffle bags while my abusive spouse was sleeping. It makes me feel a bit like I'm a fictional character. Which is an oddly helpful can weirdly comforting thought, actually? Something, something, controlling a narrative, I think? Maybe?

I won't get into it in a tumblr post, but I did want to quickly say one thing. I've said this before, but coming back to posting my writing online in January of 2022, and becoming part of Stucky fandom early last fall, has been really amazing. And, I don't know how to say this part I haven't said previously without it being really sappy and emotional, but — I am so grateful.

Without anyone even knowing they were doing anything, I was suddenly around so much support, and positivity, and community. I felt valued for things that matter to me and that I want to share, like my writing. And I — it meant a lot. More than I really know how to say. And now I'm in a cabin, safe, and ironing out the plan for rebuilding my life. I've already done like, half a dozen things in the past 36 hours that I couldn't do, wasn't allowed to do, as recently as Sunday morning.

So. This is my thank you post for that, I guess. That's all. I just felt like I needed to say it. ❤️

#personal post #update post

[1358456]

The Return? ... Again?

Hi, everyone. So. It’s been a while. Again. Today is January 1, 2024, and the last post, Last Post 2.0, was from October 6, 2022, so… over a year. Again. Déjà vu~ I’ve just been in this place before~ Gone in October and returning in January~

… In hindsight, I should have posted the Last Post 2.0 on October 22. That way, both times, I would have retired on October 22 (Last Post and Last Post 2.0). And if I had done that, I would’ve waited until January 6 to return, thus returning both times on January 6 over a year after going away. Oh well.

… Also apparently, this Tumblr has become 10 years old. Hm. I guess I did make this thing in December 2013, so… yeah. That happened. 10 years of this Tumblr, and I’ve been gone for 2 of them.

So, what happened this time?

Well, nothing. I just enjoyed a long rest. Retirement, if you will. Unlike last time, where I spent the time either dying, comatose, rehab, or playing Yakuza games, this time, I just… lived normally, I guess. Spending lots of time with friends and family, going on vacations, working away in the store, playing Yakuza Ishin, playing Yakuza 7 Gaiden, crying like a bitch because of Gaiden (…), crying because of Yakuza 8 trailers (…), and so on and so forth. I rather enjoyed my long time off.

So, why return this time?

… It’s… complicated. Let’s just say that I’m returning now to undo the reason why I went away not-so-forever twice now.

Let’s see if I can point out the key parts here.

There’s a reason why I abruptly retired and disconnected from everything back in 2020. The impending death certainly played a part, but I didn’t have to “disconnect” from everything. But instead, I used that as an excuse to disconnect from everything and vanish.

It’s the same reason as to why I didn’t immediately return when I could have and instead, hesitated until 2022. Yeah, the pile of Yakuza games (3, 4, 5, 6, 7, Judgment, Lost Judgment) certainly kept me busy, but it’s not like I was busy literally all day every day. I certainly could have squeezed in some time to return to Tumblr. And is the same reason as to why I wanted to disappear as soon as possible upon returning. Though… that took some time. It took… what, 9 months, instead of the planned 2? Hehe…

And finally, it’s the reason why I came back now in 2024. The fact that I even wrote this out… I wouldn’t say that I stopped caring exactly, but… hmm… I guess you could call it a proof of resolve. I made a difficult choice, so to speak.

… Hopefully all this is irrelevant and will not be brought up again. But if it does…

This is kind of rambling, and no one would have any idea what the hell I’m talking about, so I’ll stop there. Normally, I would never write this out, out of consideration. But… well, subtle hints probably won’t work. They didn’t work last time. No reason why it should this time. But I have this out here… just in case.

… Now back to things that people would actually understand, because hell if I fully understand what I wrote. Hehe…

So, will I return to writing this time?

Banter? Yes. Short Story? Most likely though rarely. Full stories on FF/Ao3? No. I didn’t touch those last time, I have no intention of doing so this time. I’m still retired, after all. It’s like when pro gamers retire from a game. They still play it, just not in any tournaments or that regularly.

Meaning, I probably won’t be active that much… once the “stockpile” of post ideas runs out. I’ll post stuff whenever I feel like it, and… I just won’t when I don’t. Unlike last time, I have no obligation of any sort this time around. No post count, no objectives, no nothing. Once the “stockpile” runs out, the activity is going to be very sporadic. But at least this Tumblr will be open so that if I wind up with more post ideas that won’t go away, I have an outlet.

So, what’s different from 2022 this time?

You probably noticed the different layout. I messed with a bunch of stuff over time. Including disabling of messages. At least I think it’s disabled.

I disabled messaging (not “Ask”, mind you) because of a specific reas… I mean, whenever someone messages me, I have to ponder for a while how I’m going to respond when I don’t have any meaningful responses, so my responses always feel too detached or too forced. … And I really don’t like doing that since it feels rude. So… best to disable that entirely, but keep the ask inbox open for one-off responses. So… sorry, to those who have messaged me repeatedly in the past. No more. Spare me the effort of staring at the messages for a while, thinking of a response out of courtesy, and sometimes putting it off until later, only to forget that entirely thus not responding for an excessive amount of time, at which point, responding is incredibly awkward.

All in all, it won’t be much different this time than in 2022. I’ll post random stuff from… random rambles to banters and short stories, and you’ll read ‘em for minor enjoyment.

So, will there be another Last Post this time?

Last Post 3.0? Third time’s the charm? Heh. No. Not this time. At least, I’m not planning on it. If the reason behind this return goes off as hoped, then I’ll stick around. If it goes disastrously, then… welp. Back to the void.

So… I’m here again. It wasn’t “for real, this time though”. I doubt many noticed that my profile image has been changed from the old Mew to a Dragoon’s portrait for a while now. In the Last Post 2.0 post, I said that Mew would stay in the grave and not return in a Dragoon or Immortal or a Purifier platform. … Well, it’s been stuffed in a Dragoon shell now.

I actually tried to draw/edit a Mew image to make it look like it’s in a Dragoon pod, but… that didn’t go so well (some things never change), so I’m just using the SC Remastered Dragoon portrait for now.

I guess this post has gone on long enough. All I can say now is…

… For real, this time though… right?

Oh, also, Happy New Year. 2024, 甲辰年, Year of the Blue Dragon.

Woo~

... So, how've you been, everyone?

#generic post

[trekraider]

I posted 868 times in 2022

6 posts created (1%)

862 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@bingwhenthereisstuff

@spockvarietyhour

@tiberiusmulder

@yourspookyginger

@do-you-have-a-flag

I tagged 17 of my posts in 2022

#me - 3 posts

#corset - 3 posts

#goth - 2 posts

#literally answered yes to all those questions - 1 post

#vast - 1 post

#caro emerald - 1 post

#hozier and john boyega - 1 post

#smut with fake dating - 1 post

#hell to the yes - 1 post

#leather chaps - 1 post

Longest Tag: 125 characters

#it's always that one of 'do you find other people have a rulebook for social interaction that you weren't given' that gets me

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

figured out why I’ve been crying for two days. my abandonment issues are being pushed into full gear because too many changes are happening at once in my social circles and it’s been putting me in full fledged panic mode to the extent that I want to vomit from the immensity of these feelings.

2 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

#4

So in fun news, I got kicked out of the house I’ve been renting since July 2020.

My “best friend” of six years eloped with his girlfriend, the one he has spent years shit talking about to me - saying she’s a bitch, and annoying, and he hates her, and that she is so terrible. The girlfriend he’s evidently been grooming since she was 18 and he was in his mid-20s. The girlfriend who made him quit his job and treats him like a personal maid. The girlfriend who almost let him die earlier this year because she ignored him while he was sick and dehydrated over a toilet bowl for DAYS at her home.

And when I found out they got married, it wasn’t even through him telling me himself. I found out because she was posting it all over her instagram. And his excuse was  “my private life is my business and I don’t have to tell you anything.” How is it private when your girlfriend-now-wife is bragging about it in public?  My bet is she’s pregnant and they don’t want to pay for another abortion.  

I found out around Christmas Eve, which was a fabulous time. And he removed me from the lease right after, without the landlord ever consulting me because he was the primary leaser.

Over the last week - while still working full time - I’ve been scrambling to pack up my world of the last year and a half. 

But I just feel betrayed. He broke my fucking heart, and his constant dismissal and treatment of me throughout all of 2021 was part of the reason I tried to kill myself. I had never felt as alone and helpless and worthless as I did while living with him. 

I missed so many red flags about him out of some foolish devotion to our friendship. But he hadn’t been a friend in a long time, and barely a roommate.

He’s made it needlessly complicated for me to move my stuff out too because he’s randomly barred me from the house, actively brandished an axe at me when I showed up to pack boxes after work last week, and hasn’t cooperated at all in me trying to get out when he’s the one kicking me out.

But I’m dead to him now. His words.

It’s a blessing and a curse because the timing means I can get a clean break. 

I’m very fortunate that my parents have space for me to move back in temporarily, and I’ll be looking for an apartment near my new job soon.

So I guess my forced resolution for 2022 is to let go of toxic people and find light in the world.

8 notes - Posted January 4, 2022

#3

Another day, another Halloween fit.

12 notes - Posted October 30, 2022

#2

Outfit from last night's Halloween party

26 notes - Posted October 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Went to the Gary Numan concert in Houston and absolutely love how my outfit turned out!

28 notes - Posted March 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #TRAUMA DUMPING AND THIRST TRAPS

[goldicthehedgefox]

I told myself I'd turn this into a tradition, so here I am throwing all my art in one place again.

All the art featured here is what I had on my art flash drive since that's mainly how I keep track of when I drew what.

Explanations for all the boxes under the cut:

January: Ok, so, turns out I didn't draw shit in January except a fun little doodle of Goldic (the character) fighting one of my friend's ocs. Not gonna throw it down here because it was for a friend. (I also never finished that one thing I was eluding to in the last progression post, big sadge; it would've been so funny if I finished that, or at least enough of it so I could put the other half at the start of this one)

February: Ah yes, playing Uno with Silent Magician and Silent Swordsman. The best way to spend Valentine's Day, tbh. Oh yeah, the GoldicSoulless emote also came into existence.

March: Oops, didn't draw anything. And if I did, I doubt any of it was Tumblr-worthy.

April: Oops, I did it again. I just didn't feel like drawing around that time. It was a nice art break, I guess.

May: Back to drawing and I... didn't draw much, but I did draw a redesign for Moon! ...That I never shared until now:

I also designed regional variants of Riolu and Lucario for fun (and for my fake region, Avnou, that you don't get to hear any infodumps about yet, I'll share that when it's more "complete"; Riolu is Ghost type while Lucario is Ghost/Ground):

and here's the shinies, hehehe (click to see the sparkles better):

June: PRIDE MONTH, WOOOOOOOO- *ahem*, I drew a lot of shit in Pride Month, like: - Me holding my giant af flag made of multiple flags - Note and Symph being cute and gay - Mew and Mewtwo designs for the comic I didn't make yet - A bunch of Pikachu sketches for no reason in particular - and this as a little treat for myself since Sonic's Game Anniversary and my b-day are so close together (literally two days apart):

July: My current profile pic was drawn here, as well as a new (and currently unfinished) ref sheet for Goldic! Here's what is done right now:

though, I'm tempted to just redo it again with all the improvements I've made to my art since drawing this...

August: I just drew a bunch of doodles around this time, tbh. I even colored a couple of them. Also drew Angora again:

Beyond that? Nothing of note.

September: Cyno. Just Cyno. Definitely my best attempt at soft shading in recent memory. Also, you're not tripping, I did design an Ash (and Goh) for that Mewtwo comic I didn't make yet (Ash's design is a mix of his Unova and Journeys designs with some creative freedom mixed in; Goh's ref isn't done yet, but he does have a doodle here!):

Friendly Reminder that Ash has Aura Powers™ and Lucario, the Aura Pokémon, can read people's thoughts (just in case someone wonders why Ash seems to read Goh's thoughts in the above image):

October: I... didn't draw shit in October, but I did draw some all-digital doodles with my mouse! (because no art tablet, lol); I can't share most of it because Angst and NSFW™, but I can share what I haven't shared already:

November: I also didn't draw shit in November, but when I did, I made two whole characters: a catboy (Kitari) and a duelist, yu-gi-oh style, that I didn't share yet (Yune). Fun Fact: Yune is the first Yu-Gi-Oh oc I've ever made, despite loving the series for years, and all I have to show him off is a colored headshot and some messy sketches:

Outfit design isn't final yet, but hey. He exists. Yes, the scarf (and hair) will stay.

December: S Q U A R E - The Puyo Puyo Brainrot returned and so did me drawing Squares. I also drew a bunch of emotes for Kitari (of which only half are done) and another little something that I'll share later~

Overall: - Very productive year in terms of art improvement (mainly anatomy and color choice; character design quality has also improved a lot) - More brainrot fanart than in previous years - Less art overall, but more got shown off - 10/10 quality (compared to older art), hell yeah

#goldic's drawings #2022 art progress #thrakkymor #long post #goldic rambles #enjoy all the doodles hehehehehehe #new year's resolution: draw more art. post more content in general. maybe finally infodump about Thrakkymor so much it'll flood the blog #try my hand at animation a bit. maybe make a comic series that I'd actually want to finish #finally slap some sense into myself so I can post those things #cuz let's be real here: the main thing holding me back right now is myself

[onawhimsicot]

I posted 2,461 times in 2022

168 posts created (7%)

2,293 posts reblogged (93%)

I tagged 882 of my posts in 2022

#pokemon - 53 posts

#critical role - 41 posts

#bry - 36 posts

#hermitcraft - 35 posts

#hades game - 20 posts

#in other lands - 20 posts

#splatoon - 20 posts

#reading log - 18 posts

#hades 2 - 18 posts

#splatoon 3 - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#all these internship deadlines are coinciding with finals week and its like. i obviously should prioritize the former. everyone would agree

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

so i haven't really been plugged in to Critical Role news in a while but wasn't TLOVM going to be about pre-campaign stuff? I totally understand if things have changed with it being an Amazon show now + wanting to start with Whitestone to have a banger of an opening, but I thought that maybe we'd circle back around to the whole Uriel being possessed arc. But Uriel just stepped down and we're launching right into the Chroma Conclave arc so I'm guessing they're not doing any pre-campaign stuff and are just doing an adaptation?

14 notes - Posted February 20, 2022

#4

OHHHHH PIKE GIVING VEX A BOOST!! CLERICS!!!! I LOVE CLERICS!!!! ITS THE GIRLS!!!!!!

I MISSED PERCY'S STUPID PRETENTIOUS VOICE SO MUCH VOX MACHINA MY BELOVED

19 notes - Posted January 12, 2022

#3

[ID: A screenshot of a page from In Other Lands that reads, "Myra joined him, pulled up a chair to his table and took one of the books from his unread stack. / 'Luke and Serene told me what you were doing here,' she said. 'And I--I like Commander Woodsinger. She's kind to my cousin, who's all dwarf, and I don't want the camp to have any other commander, and I want to help."]

Even though I reread this book like every 6 months, I only just now caught on to this during my current reread given the recent news. So, for anyone else who was curious/forgot about this like me, Myra mentions her cousin shortly before Colonel Whiteleaf's attempted coup.

Very fascinating to see that the "exiled dwarven prince" mentioned in the announcement post presumably came and studied at the camp too! I can't wait to learn more about him, Myra my beloved, and the dwarves :O

77 notes - Posted December 21, 2022

#2

it is incredibly funny that Yizhi rolled up and went all in on saving the girl he's in love with but took a quick detour to google the infamous known murderer Li Shimin and immediately developed a celebrity crush on him like "oh, hes smart too? ....thats kinda hot actually"

hes literally like "okay so Li Shimin probably did bad things idk but like have you SEEN his test scores?? people said he used to STUDY" this trio has a buckwild dynamic ajdakhfs

265 notes - Posted January 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i know not many people would want to read a 10,000 word article about the minecraft end poem and how the author, Julian Gough, was never fairly compensated for his work and has made it public domain.

But it's a very well-written and heartfelt read, and he makes it very clear that none of this is a cash-grab and despite the fact that he is essentially a starving artist in this capitalist society, he only mentions his financial struggles despite Minecraft's huge huge success at the bottom of this article and not in the tweets so as to not dilute his message.

Anyway, I just think it'd be cool if those who are able to could support him in some way whether it be subscribing to his substack or donating to his paypal (that's linked in the article, you can ctrl + F to find it easier), that's all.

11,950 notes - Posted December 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#Oohh okay i knew what the number one post would be of course (I MISS MY NOTIFICATIONS LOL) but #i didnt expect the recent iol post to get on here. makes sense though #that 2nd post has consistently shown up in my notifs like every month or so and #since ive made it my feelings on IW have grown soo much more complex

[diahmandis]

January

(even though I wrote this ln February 6th)

To my future self, I know that someday you’ll look back on this blog and reread posts and cringe so hard at what you’ve written — but I just want to tell you that I’m proud of you EVEN if you did not accomplish writing about how your day went on Tumblr every single day. Well, You’ve successfully posted on your Instagram dump (@pritongsiomai – I hope you still remember her) everyday for the month of January until now, as you were writing this on February 6th of 2023. Anyway, back to what you wanted to say:

I guess I could say that the month has been a rollercoaster of emotions. The first few weeks of January were absolutely stressful since I was struggling to keep up with all my requirements from the previous semester; deadlines were piled up like crazy and I didn’t think I could finish everything on time. But I did. (Well, except for PE where I got an INC but that’s TOTALLY FINE. I can finish that before the year ends. Sure I can.) I successfully finished the semester with 1.5 as my lowest grade (wait til I get my grades from PE lol). I’m so glad that I got to hang out with friends even outside of academic requirements (well, we DID do academic requirements but we did it TOGETHER outside of class.) I’m thankful for the bond that Rei, Alyanna and I had shared this month. It feels refreshing to finally have people whom I can call friends at UP. Oh. Another thing. I finally had the time to reflect. After a very long while, I got to experience VACATION properly again. Like I literally have nothing to do (except PE… okay I’ll finish that SOON!!!!)

Going back, despite that haunting INC, I’m incredibly proud of myself for pushing through and sticking to the things that I told myself I would do to change for the better. I promised myself that 2023 would be the year when I started thinking of myself more — prioritizing my mental health, investing in myself, and just overall trying to be the best version of me I could ever be. I started reading again, which is good because I have been discovering so much things about me that I never really knew. I finished Every Day by David Levithan, a favorite when I was sixteen. And now, at twenty two it really hit different. I really wasn’t that impressed by it. But okay, it’s still a good book. 6/10. I also started reading Atomic Habits by James Clear, but I haven’t revisited the book again since I got a physical copy of a different self-help book — Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert. And oh my fucking god. It has been so impactful to the way I think as a creative. I can’t even explain how much I love it. So, to my future self, if ever you’re coming across this and you don’t know which book to read, pick it up again. I’m sure you’ll find a lot of insights there. I marked it up for you.

This month was also challenging for Sean and I’s relationship. I mean we obviously did NOT break up, but we had some trouble here and there because of our personal priorities. Which is totally understandable by the way, we didn’t have any huge fight about it but we were able to talk it through and compromise for each other. And on that note, I just love our relationship because we’ve obviously grown so much individually and as a couple. We’re able to fully express our feelings without sudden outbursts of emotions, we just talk shit through and get over the things that we’re supposed to get over together. Safe to say that our relationship has never been healthier.

I just loved how January was for me. I’m hoping that the next couple of months will be too. I’m already claiming that this is going to be my year. I’m owning it. 2023 will be the hear when I’ll start my journey to become a bad ass boss bitch.

See you at the end of the month, I guess.

#2023 #diary

[tropicalrpg]

iii. every ticket is one-way these days. there is no such thing as a return. there's only away from home. a plane ticket to australia is more expensive than a brand new car.

To be perfectly fair, it is warmer where they’re from. They’re closer to the Equator, which I could’ve guessed, but never knew. The climograph tells me that it’s supposedly quite pleasant here, and quite absolutely fucking dreadful over there. I forgive them for all of their complaints. They never tried to tell me they were sorry, but I have to let go of this grudge I’ve been holding for so long.

Still, it’s different. Not for me and them, maybe, but for my masses and theirs. But that’s not the point. My point is not drawn on a map, not actually. It can be; when I was in, what, ninth grade? My geography professor made us draw the line between the Global North and the Global South. This anecdote might be a lie. I must admit I only remember the map.

And it’s Christmas, and it’s summer, so guess what?

_____

I’ve never known anything but warm Christmases. I’ve never known anything but a hundred days of drought in the winter and world-shattering rainstorms in the summer. I know beaches in January, I know how 10ºC is enough to make going outside not worth it, and I know that I’m oceans away from anywhere worthwhile.

Two of my siblings have already left. Another one of them wants to, I’m sure. Only one of us doesn’t want to, and that’s not me. I hate how I yearn for something more, as if I don’t think this is enough. As if I don’t love the land beneath my feet more than anything in the world—literally. I hate the fact that I feel like I have to get out of here. I have to, I have to get out. My days are numbered. Where are they not?

Nowhere are things getting better. We, and by we I mean humanity, are generally, universally fucked. We are the masters of our own undoing. But for us, and with us I mean my masses, a mass I am not a part of—I don’t think I’d be here, complaining on an English-language Tumblr blog, if I were—, it’s worse. Even for me, it’s worse, but I don’t get the brunt of it. I hope to be able to soften the blow, but it barely reaches me.

If I left, I bet I’d have an easier time. And now, it’s not because of how it is for everyone; now, I’m being as selfish as I can. I am a selfish person. I am a narcissist. I’m complaining as if anyone cares. But I don’t get along with anyone here; the one who knows me best agrees, unfortunately I’d have an easier time somewhere else. And I could point out the ridiculous, superficial reasons as to why. I don’t drink, I’m timely, I am something I don’t know how to translate into this stupid language, but basically means I am particularly sensitive to heat, so I feel warm more easily than I feel cold. And, well, I go to uni for something that only allows me to go into academia and, like most things, I have a better shot at a career in academia if I go abroad, because, more than most, it is a tiny field here. It is insignificant, but not as much in developed countries. As per usual.

I want to leave. That’s the worst of it. I want to go to Germany, to Italy, to the United Kingdom. I want to leave. I want to come back, don’t get me wrong, and I don’t know if moving abroad matches what I want for my life—I don’t know if I want children, but I don’t think I want European children, damn—, but I think I need to leave. I’m too young for immigration to actually be an option, but I’m starting to think about it. It’s begun.

_____

I dreamt of England when I was 10.

Everyone did, back then. It was the times. I can’t remember if the English I spoke became accented with Britain, but I like to guess so, because I do remember sounding more and more American as time went by. (Until last year, but now I’m too old for a change in accent to feel anything but faked.) It was because of all of them, the names we all know, some posh southerners making YouTube videos and tricking ten-year-olds worldwide into their farce. It was so much fun. The first book in English I ever read all the way through was the second Girl Online novel. I was a fool.

It was fun, though. And that’s when I started dreaming, though I knew nothing. Now, I know significantly more, of course, and I still think I’d be better off somewhere else. Though, it’s tough; I know that the time for me to move to England is not now, and the same goes for the US (though I don’t ever want to move there), and probably everywhere else. Lord, is it not the time to go to Italy. Nowhere’s safe, or so it seems.

But if I’m in danger, “danger”, where I am, should I not flee?

There’s this thing about being an immigrant, though. It is that it’s always less safe when you venture into the unknown. So, even if I do leave here in search of security, security is exactly what I’ll lose. I’ve told you I don’t get the brunt of it here, and that goes for many reasons. I have a support system, I have some money, I am hugely privileged. If I left, that wouldn’t be true. I would be alone, I would not have nearly the same amount of money I have here, and much of the privilege wouldn’t apply anymore. I’d be unsafe. I’d be in danger. Truly, genuinely, at risk.

That doesn’t discourage me, though. And I hate that. I hate that, even knowing that I’m safer here, I know it here, I’m protected here, it’s not enough for me. I look at my TV screen and I want to go. I want to go to England, to Germany, to Spain. I want train rides and publicly owned television and white Christmases. And, if I’m already alone here, then I want a fresh start. I want strangers, I want foreigners. I want the easy conversation-starter of oh, where are you from?

I want to smile and reply. I want to fumble with my C2 English. I want to have the right to be out of place. I want it to feel like it can get better.

_____

I’ve gotten rid of every friend I’ve made my whole life. I don’t know if it was me or them. By which I don’t mean I don’t know if it was my fault; it must’ve been. What I mean is I don’t know if I was the one who pulled away or if they left me instead.

And I’ve looked for fresh start after fresh start. I’ve been scrambling for purpose, for belonging. I changed schools and names, I got into uni and left everyone behind, but I’m still alone. Are my standards too high? Am I doing this to myself? (Yes. I hate myself, so I don’t let myself befriend those who are like me. I am judgmental. Deeply, deeply judgmental. Deeply critical of everyone who I think is below me or on my level. I am a narcissist. We’ve been over this, and we’ll keep going over this.)

Here’s what happened to my childhood friends:

I don’t remember having any. I mean, I do. But none that could have stayed. I was five, for fuck’s sake. I didn’t have neighbor friends. I had friends from school, but one of them moved away (she’s a professional surfer now, which is insane) and the others I lost touch with. I’m still a kid, by the way. An adult, but a kid.

Here’s what happened to my middle school friends:

Well, I say they were middle school friends, but let me touch on some elementary school friends, still. I was a fucked up kid. I don’t remember much. I remember I was bullied and I fought people. I remember choosing those who I thought were better than me, and then being used, and knowing it was bad for me. I remember dropping people. I remember being bullied because of the bad choice I made. I remember my parents not wanting me to be friends with my friends. I don’t remember why. I don’t remember much.

Middle school was about the same, but I was more fucked up in a much different way. I was either depressed or some weird kind of emo. I stopped having any real-life friends, but at least I still had online friends, and so many of them. It was the worst year of my life, but some of the people I met then I still know now. Distantly. Then I rekindled some friendships, made a new one, but, fuck. Still.

Here’s what happened to my high school friends:

When I changed schools to go to high school, I dropped all but one of my old friends. And I’m not exaggerating. I kept occasionally meeting for lunch with one of my middle school friends, and the rest I all but ghosted. I had a TTRPG group—I never showed up again. I had a friend group with a groupchat—no more replies, ever. I was a dick. But I was also going through a lot; I changed my name, remember me saying that? Well. I needed a fresh start. I needed people who would get me. And I got that.

The friends I made in high school were perfect for the first two years of it. The first year was the best of my life, at least the best yet. This year was shit—they’ve only gotten worse since—so, yeah. Best time of my life. I’m not the type of person you’d expect to peak in high school, but, well. Life catches you by surprise.

And they were perfect. Until they weren’t. Until it was my fault that I couldn’t keep in touch over message, and they got into relationships and got busy, and our interests had nothing in common anymore, and everything just got—

So different. I don’t get choked up thinking about it, but I do choke. Even my typed words come out wrong. And I don’t want to talk about uni friends—I don’t even want to talk about high school friends—they’re still there, on my cell screen—I just want things to change. I’m a horrible person, and I want nothing to do with any of them anymore. I have no real-life friends, no one to count on when push comes to shove, but now I barely have online friends. I can’t keep in touch virtually. I’m bad at all of this. I’m deeply narcissistic and profoundly stupid. I’m a kid. No one wants anything to do with the grown up child.

I hope for a fresh start. I’ve tried micromoves, changing schools, redirecting the course of my life in small ways. But if I went abroad? If I truly got the opportunity to explore, to be surrounded by people who have never seen me before, who, in no way, shape or form, have anything to do with me?

I can only dream of that. I can only dream of yet another chance to try and make first impressions, to try to do things right. Because I’ve been failing and failing. God made me out of failures and flaws. Out of fish bone and feather. I’m tired of sitting still, and I want to run. To Ireland, France, Denmark. To Tristan da Cunha. To my bed when it’s dark, to my bed when it’s light.

I’ll keep on hiding. I’ll keep on hoping. As ridiculous as I know it’ll keep on being.

2022.12.23

#nonfiction #confession #essay #personal essay #essaywriting #writing #writing exercise #style experiment #immigration #global south

[the-blueberry-jellyfish]

Their attitudes may taste like shit, but go real good with wine🔪

#mood of the night bc of what I'm writing rn lmao😂 #literally did this back in january but i guess tumblr can have it now #i guess #my ocs #Cam #jellyart

[lwt28brave]

LT2 masterpost

If it was up to me, we would get an autumn or winter EP. Since it’s not up to me at all, here, enjoy this post with everything we know so far of LT2, which is to say, not much at all. Everything here is hypothetical. I’ll be updating every time I see something relevant. A little disclaimer that while this is a masterpost (kinda), it could be read as discourse (duh, it’s also a theory), AND it’s also by me, and you shouldn’t expect me to be serious at this point.

Due to me restraining myself, there’s no reference to any of the times he’s mentioned his guitar skills and him improving but I hope you know I cried every single time.

I’m also linking my old pinned here. It was written before AFHF and around the free merch thing that didn’t lead to much, but I still think I made some good points.

Possible tracks:

Copy of a Copy of a Copy

Change

Faith in the future??

369??

Possible names:

369

Faith in the future

When is the album coming out?

Your guess is as good as mine

Friday 28th of January 2022. Almost two years after Walls. It’s a Friday. It’s a 28th. What else can I say?

Here you can find @want-to-be-loved timelines for every month.

Here you can find @berlinini’s timeline of what Louis has been up to this year (2021).

The rest is under the cut. And here you can find a PDF version where Tumblr can't tell me how many pictures I can add.

2020

He said back on May 2th 2020 he wasn’t writing anything new yet.

(x)(x)(x)

Interestingly enough, he’s said many times after that that the album’s not ready cause he has no new experiences to drawn from. I won’t call him out because he does it himself.

May 4th. He liked a tweet from DMA’s Johnny Took saying they had to go write together again. Louis has been credited as an influence for them and (kind of) participated in their previous record, so I’m assuming he meant for their music and not his, but you never know.

Nothing(literally nothing??? how did we survive) until 11th of July. We all know what happened that day. We all celebrated it. Nonetheless, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

(x) So, by the beginning of July 2020 he was working on concepts and ideas for the new album. That was fifteen months ago. I know perfection takes time but…

Brief summary of important things that happened from then until the next mention of new music:

Louis left Syco!!!! 10 days later he rescheduled the tour for the first time. He followed Matt Vines on Twitter, probably so we could publicly shame him into doing something. Also, the 10thanniversary. He followed more people I wish he hadn’t.

Then more nothing until September. Not even a single tweet. The first merch drop was on the 28th of August but he just RT’ed the tweet. He first mentioned Free my Meal on the 25th of September. Then on October 1st Walls hit #1 on a lot of countries and Louis was incredibly happy and excited about it ^^

And then, that same day, October 1st, 2020, he dropped this bomb:

(x)

He also said it was too soon to be sharing new lyrics with us (x)

And, obviously, this tweet which is actually what made me start this whole post. I would hope you know mate.

(x)

He also told us he was cooking "banger after banger" and that he was incorporating more social themes into his music (x)(x) (I believe any social issue is a political issue but that’s not the point rn).

COPY OF A COPY OF A COPY?!?!

These next paragraphs are brought to you by my mind not remembering things and me not having any links. I’m assuming COACOAC came from those writing sessions that supposedly happened in October. Or in LA but I have no idea if he actually was in LA at any point other than a Daily Mail article putting him there on December which would have been too late, but I do remember that someone said he was in the studio in LA last autumn???? A rumor. Maybe. IDK. Did I mention already all of this is very hypothetical?? Well, this is it. I can’t even remember if this was October or November or what. So, take this with a grain of salt.

I’m also… taking the liberty to assume, if you must, that Copy wasn’t meant to be a Walls reject because it sounds more mature and darker and it has a vastly different tone that Walls songs. I know he’s said that song probably isn’t getting into the album, but I want to have faith (in the future) that I’m getting a studio version. (But also, Louis, if you’re reading this, first of all GET OUT OF MY BLOG second of all, please don’t ever feel pressured again to add a song to the album because we have already heard it before. It’s your art and it should always be under your own terms).

So yeah, I believe that Copy is either one of those four songs (then imagine the other three??!!) or was written around the 1st of October date.

---End of the Intermission---

Then not much important (other than sharing more about Marcus Rashford fight against food poverty and the 2nd merch drop) until he announced the livestream on the 24th of November. (x)

It wasn’t until a few days before the livestream date we even thought again about new music (jk, I know we’re always thinking about new Louis’ music). So, December 9th/10th, 2020. Nine months ago. We got our first taste of new music!

He made sure we knew Copy of a Copy of a Copy isn't a cover! (x) (x)

(x)

Ok, so that’s it for 2020. (I feel like I’m missing something from September 17th because tweet was deleted but maybe he was still talking about cucumbers. We might never know. Unless I understand how Tumblr tags work). Expected, cause Walls was released in 2020. We needed to let it sit for a while.

2021

Another Summary: Louis third tweet of the year was telling the UK government off. So was the fifth. What a good beginning. On the 26th of January, he said he prefers pancakes over waffles. I hope he meant pancakes other than his own. More importantly, he tweeted the infamous “you lot read into things too much”. Don’t get me started, Tomlinson. Don’t. Then the 31st came around and Walls was one. He tweeted this. How wise. And Project Defenceless happened!!

15th of February!! Who cares about Valentine Day when the next day we got this? ♥

(x)

(x)

So…AN EP?? AN EP?? PLEASE RELEASE AN EP.

“I’m sure I will have something out this year but unlikely that will be the album”. Unlikely but not impossible. Also. A single would be good. This is the second time he mentions releasing something in 2021 and he sounds surer about it than the first time around.

He also said that he isn’t sure we will get a studio version of Copy. And that the best bridges from Walls to LT2 are Walls, OTB, KMM and Copy. Can’t wait!

Then we jump to March 6th when he announced he was going to create his own management company. “Sometimes action is needed first to encourage the motivation and belief”. As we can tell he was already manifesting some stuff which will lead us to the numerology stuff/Tesla… kidding. Or not. We might never know.

On the 22nd of March he answered some questions:

He told us music was still his main focus ♥ mwha. (x) I included this tweet to guilt-trip him into giving us music in case he’s reading this even after I told him to leave. ILY.

(x) I’d love to get a visual EP this autumn. Just saying. It sounds like a lovely concept.

(x)

…next (I will get into it, I promise. I’m just mad).

On the 25th he left for Mexico until April 10th. You could assume it was just for the documentary where we got ten seconds of footage or admit the obvious: LT2 its a Mexican baby!!

On the 26th (so, not so far apart from that first 369) we got the first Faith in the Future mention: (x)

Back then we were innocent people who had no idea what was coming upon us. We still have no idea because what the fuck does he mean with these. Please explain. I have one braincell and I don’t use it enough for this. I’m linking some theories.

On the 30th of March he confirmed he was already working on the documentary. So AFHF was already on the works. Will it take this long for us to get the Veeps numbers? We also got this tweet: "Got a decent chorus idea down" (x).

Same person that got the “something out this year” exclusive. If you know something share with the class. Also. Is this Change? I feel like this could be Change but I also assume he wrote Change after hanging out with his friends or being in Doncaster. But who knows.

(x) And the second mention to 369.

(x) 15th of April. The second "Faith in the future".

On the 19th of April he announced that he had something BIG for us later on the year which turned out to be the Away From Home Festival ♥♥ (x) I love him so much.

Then on the 28th he announced the 369 merch drop (which it’s probably the Walls drop? Except that the TOU and KMM ones were “drop 1 and drop 2” and this was drop 369 which, again, makes no sense) but we still don’t know what 369 means.

Into May’ 21 we go.

He rescheduled tour again. And dropped another bomb (x).

He announced he has signed with BMG as an independent artist by RTing this tweet on May 10th. The article also says that he’s already working on writing and recording LT2. The timing… we don’t know. What this deal involves… we don’t know either. Bear with me here because I have a lot to say about this.

I think the deal is only a distribution one, but that BMG are interested in Louis and what he (us) could bring to the table. They were either present at the festival or watching it, but officially they had no involvement at all with it (everything is credited either to Louis own company, 78 Productions, or Charlie Lightening’s company). That’s the case for both giveaways too; the vinyl one and the tickets for the festival.

I think it would be an unbelievably bad move not to test the waters with BMG now or soon-ish. At least a single, to see how it performs. Due to the circumstances, it’s obvious there’re certain limitations on place but I want to see how they push it, whether the radio play exist this time around and if the song is playlisted and promoted and all that… I would also love to know, since it says he signed with BMG UK, but it also states it’s a global deal, how things are going to go on the US and other countries.

Yes, yes. I know those are all questions and no answers. But I know the same as you, sadly. If any of you know more than you’re letting on… again, share with the class.

Where was I? Yes, on the 25th of May Louis had a great day writing (x). Since the first time he had mentioned he was officially writing to this date there’s almost eight months. And I believe he was writing before October’ 20.

He followed Robert Harvey that day and, on the 28th of May (why is it always the 28th???) he was spotted at the studio for the first time.

June was an interesting month for the fandom ♥. Lots of LHL content which I will love and cherish for the rest of times. On June 4th, June 9th, and June 10th he was spotted at the studio, but I believe he was there more days.

(x)

This was posted on June 6th and captioned Studio. Charlie also shared it with “Mega tunes being put down, can’t wait for this @louist91 #louistomlinson #LT2” as the caption. This gives me 2019 (Elton-Joint) vibes. I like it. Feels like we’re getting closer to something.

He added the Milano date on the 9th too which I’m mentioning because I’m going alone. Anyone wanna go with me please? I’m nice and I never eat anything before a concert so you can have my food. On other news. It didn’t come home.

During July he was at the studio at least three days too. Probably more. Feels like more with all the fan pictures we got. Or was that June? Anyway, July 1st and 9th we got some videos from Robert Harvey and wearesuperhi, which is who Louis has been working with the most, that we know of. I don’t know for sure they’re from that day. And on July 5th we got an article and lots of pictures of Louis looking really good outside the studio.

On the 12th of July the first fans started getting the free, 369 bucket hat and print. We still don’t know what the purpose was other than to thanks fans. Maybe that was it. I want answers and I still think it relates to a future project (see theories above), but it could also just be a bridge with the Walls breaking.

He didn’t tweet about anything interesting for a while, mostly because he lost his phone (he either throwed it in the air or smashed it who knows). Then on the 29th of July he announced the festival!

I’m glossing over it because there’s already been a lot of talk about it (rightfully) and while it was a wonderful thing, it doesn’t have much to do with LT2.

Let’s talk Change!

On August 3rd he tweeted this about the setlist.

(x)

And this (x) on the 28th! I can’t stand him.

We didn’t get it, obviously. Because who was going to get that. But we read too much into things. Alright.

On the 16thof August Dave Gibson shared this post tagged #LT2 with the eyes emojis 👀👀👀. I believe this has to do both with Change but also with whatever else came out of that Mexico trip.

(x) Last relevant tweet related to LT2 is this one.

So, on the 30th of August we got Change and we cried, and we know that Change is going in the new album. He said it. With those exact words. He also said he was “getting a feeling for it”. This has to meant he already has a general idea of the vibe of the new album and what’s going in it!!!!!! (Right? RIGHT?).

Anyway, let’s go back a few weeks because some other things happened on August. He was at the studio a few more times. Or it was suggested that he was there. On the 17th and the 18th. (Why was it so time-pressing to be at the studio instead of rehearsing for the festival? There was no studio at all on the documentary. Which makes sense, but again, then why?).

On the day of the festival we got another mention of Faith in The Future that made me feel part of a cult ngl. The words were flashing on the screen for less than a second. Okay.

And then he tweeted those words again after watching the livestream/documentary on the 4th of September (x). This is what makes me suspect it's either the name of the album or of the single.

On the same day, we got some interesting quotes about LT2 on the documentary.

“Soon I’ll have to think about me second album, which in my head I’ll get the tour out of the way and then I’ll address that. So, I hadn’t really given it much thought, to be honest”.

“When every day is the same is hard to feel creative and it’s hard to have any kind of proper inspiration”.

“As season started to come back, I started writing again and it was great and some of these songs turned out alright”.

And I think this is it. I might be overlooking some important details but that’s what we know and what we don’t know.

So. Conclusions. That’s what you missed on Glee. I do believe the album is, if not mostly done, partially there. And yes, this post is pointless and never-ending but it’s all in here if you need to tell Louis “Hey, you said this, mate”.

#LT2 #Louis Tomlinson #Faith in The future #369 #Louis #LT #new music #idk what this is #but it's long #pinned

[joieorbeia]

i literally left tumblr to focus on irl stuff and come back to this for the end of the day. oh well, things must be said i guess.

quite a lengthy post, but i’ll try and address it as best as i can:

first — i think it’s an unfair assumption that you @ufo-ikawa (and juno @andromedalis ) would attribute that hate anon (and others) to me. believe it or not (although i’m thinking you’re leaning on the not), i didn’t send it. haven’t sent anything to anyone that wasn’t an anon with my name on it or in private message with my last blog. i even made a new blog to reach out to juno and augustine @augustinewrites and your new friend ori @ahtsuwu separately and they all just blocked me without hearing me out. what am i even supposed to defend myself towards when i don’t know what is being said about me? how will anyone know if it’s the whole truth or not?

second — i didn’t realize thinking you “didn’t like” me was already considered talking shit, or stirring shit. it’s called an opinion and i’m allowed to have it? when i told augustine that she said it’s “not the case,” when i told juno about it she mentioned that when we’re in the same spaces we don’t interact, even in the gen chat, and she’s right. there have been instances where there were entirely separate conversations in the same channel and you ignore me, opting to discuss a different topic and replying over me and what i was talking about. i never took that against you, though? if i made you feel weird about it, i’m sorry. but it wasn’t my intention.

also, i never called you ‘ungrateful,’ and if i did, i’m sure it was along the lines of ‘feels kind of,’ probably bc i didn’t have a better word for it. bc it WAS kind of weird that when i literally got your hate blog terminated, you went “thanks for doing that but i feel bad” — which i NEVER made you feel bad for by the way, check our chats — but i just felt that it was kind of weird that you were kind of making me feel guilty for helping you. so i felt bad that i got involved.

third — when have i ever belittled people for writing on tumblr? was it when i said i couldn’t find good smut? was it when i complained about characterizations that don’t fit the character? why would i shit on my own craft like that. i even made a post calling out YOUR AND AUGUSTINE’S PLAGIARIZER (remember that?) about how writing is super fucking hard and people are dumb for talking shit about it being “just stupid fics.” just because i find some writing bad doesn’t automatically mean that i’m shitting on writers. (although i have done that in the past but bc i really thought they were terrible.)

fourth — if i ever came across as passive aggressive to anyone, i sincerely apologize bc i never meant to come across that way. (actually, i don’t even know how that happened, bc i’m normally aggressive aggressive. in any case, i’m sorry if you felt uncomfortable with how i said things. if i have a problem, an ACTUAL PROBLEM, with you, not a feeling, i’ll tell you. which i did to juno/andromedalis and augustine and ori/ahtsuwu, but they all blocked me without responding so 🤷‍♀️)

now, for everything else:

i did leave my blog bc of my mental health. i’ve been talking about this since JANUARY, it’s not a fucking secret. i deactivated discord as soon as i deactivated tumblr, which probably explains why i didn’t see any of the messages. (i think tho discord doesn’t mark you as deleted until the 14th day, which probably made my username look normal and made it seem like i just ignored your messages.)

eta: also had a hard time discerning whether or not i should deact bc of the collab i had, the server i owned, and the small writers who were involved in both and wanted to make friends in the fandom. not to mention the ukraine fundraising.

hinatawa was becoming such a toxic space for me to be in, discord was becoming such a toxic space for me to be in. but i still wanted to write, and i wanted to write what i wanted. i didn’t want attention on the blog AT ALL bc i wasn’t ready for it, but i didn’t want to be an asshole and just ignore everyone, which is why i sent you all nice messages on anon, even tried to leave june an anon but she doesn’t accept anons. (and I don't know about you, but that’s not ghosting to me.) but obvs when i rejoined the server you were all backstabbing me in i finally found out why you didn’t answer them. 

the only people i interacted with were people OUTSIDE the very large ecosystem of sfw readers that i know did not overlap with my usual audience. i made it no secret that minors ruined the experience for me, freely writing whatever i wanted. i only started reaching out to people after a few days, and i had to warn everyone i came out to that i was writing nsfw. when i came out to @miyasann she even asked if it was okay for her to reblog from me, which i said i was still thinking about. THAT’S how much i didn’t want to reenter the space. i didn’t want a repeat of hinatawa, point blank. i wanted to do everything i could to avoid it, and unfortunately that meant waiting until i’ve erased myself from recent memory in order to feel like i don’t need to keep my guard up when writing and posting what i wanted to write.

i never complained about anyone not following me or interacting with me. I DIDN’T WANT IT. my feelings about being unwelcome aside (it’s the anxiety), i didn’t want the attention i know our group (well, your group, now) would bring my blog. not that you wouldn’t respect it, but i personally was just not ready for it. i wasn’t ready to see works that i know would pressure me into wanting to reveal myself into a space i no longer wanted to be in simply bc i wouldn’t have to start from scratch. i wasn’t ready to see you all be friends and me hide myself bc i wasn’t ready to just get back out there after the shitty experience i had with my last blog. i didn’t gaslight anyone, i didn’t send death threats to anyone — in fact i was one of the people who rallied behind you for that suicide baiting blog. i was super vocal about the plagiarizer. if those blogs targeted me, i would have a hell of a time getting attention from readers i wanted to avoid in order to defend myself. 

also, i can’t believe i’m saying this, but i have every right to keep things private? i just didn’t want to deal with people from the old blog. that was it.

and my favorite piece of all:

truth be told, my main apprehension was that you would use that hate blog against me, and i was right. i do regret that bc it was dumb and i was mad and i just went off, and i fully apologize for the problems it caused people. i think it should be said that i wasn’t the only person running that blog. they’re not on tumblr but they had some choice words to say about it, and at the time i felt like bc i was on the platform, i had to say them for her. 

also, i hope you know that juno/andromedalis was egging me on nearly every step of the way on that blog, and when it reached its inevitable end, she even apologized bc she “felt bad” that i was taking all the heat even though we were literally chatting about it behind the curtain. i never tried to pin that on her or implied her involvement, but i’m saying this now bc well... here’s to hoping i’m not being made the scapegoat 🤷‍♀️

all that being said, i just want to repeat: i have the right to keep things private. i apologize if you all felt like i ghosted you, but please do not blow things out of proportion. you say you told people the “full story,” but tbh it’s YOUR story. it was never full, bc no one asked for my input. how will anyone know if what you’re saying is the full story when i didn’t even know what specific things you were sharing behind closed doors? you assumed my thoughts and feelings along the way. you assumed you knew EXACTLY what was going on. hopefully this clears some things up.

anyway, leaving my asks open in case any one has any questions. throw hate my way, too, i don’t mind. i’d appreciate it if my former mutuals told me exactly what they thought of me bc i’m tired of this bullshit that goes on behind closed doors.

say it to my face, bc i just have to yours.

#discourse #hq writing #haikyuu writing #haikyuu writers #hq writers

[bagog]

What On Earth Has Happened

Hey, no story here, no experiments. Just a play by play of an awful year in my life. Please don't reblog. Trying to just get it down in one place for people who care about me. Long, sob-story beneath the cut.

Air - 'Things are looking up!' I had started to drift a bit from tumblr. The porno purge came and a lot of my friends trickled off the platform after that. I went back to school, attempting to score myself a Masters degree in something that would pay enough to get me out of Student Debt. I was doing great, picking things up fast. I got a new job at a company doing pretty menial work, but the people I worked with were great conversationalists. The work didn't involve dealing with customers at all, paid well, and was small and accomplishable tasks. Essentially I was being prepped to take a better position at the place once I had my Masters. Covid happened, then. Earth - 'The Whole World Sucks Right Now' My company was "essential," so I continued going to work, now on weird schedules. The company I worked for was profiting off Covid, all the while making fun of it as an overblown conspiracy, even as their own epidemiologist urged them to take better precautions. Work became hard to swallow. Water - 'When your lowest place could be lower' The apartment I shared with my boyfriend flooded. The lowest place in any sewage system is typically the bathtub, such that if it backs up, it does so into that tub. Our lowest point is the toilet. So the apartment flooded. Three times. Roots growing through the sewage outflow meant that, often, you needed to wait a solid hour between toilet flushes, or else the toilet would back up with such gusto the sewage would slosh down the hallway and into the living room. We mopped many times. The problem was finally fixed 8 months later, necessitating our having to camp because our house had no water. Fire - 'To destroy all you've done' One afternoon, I smelled burning. Going to our bedroom, I found our shelf a column of flame. I could barely breathe for all the smoke, but I managed to grab a blanket and beat the fire out. On the other side of the room, the pages of the books upon another shelf had begun to crisp from the heat, the blinds on all the windows were warped. The whole apartment had been about to go up. I'm kinda scared of fire now. Heart - 'When moving is too much to ask' Personal health sorta hit a new low. Migraines kept me out of work for two full weeks. I have seasonal foot pain, I always assumed from hiking for a living in my 20s. Turns out it was gout, all the while. Gout is exceptionally painful: it's like a messy pile of razor blades in the ball of your foot every time you step down. At work, I could barely stand. Walking from my car to the door became something I needed to psyche myself up for. Not a lot can stop a gout flare-up once it's in full swing, so I just had to wait it out. For a month. Two. Some of the worst sustained pain I've been in. Little did I know that, in January, come the kidney stones. Kidney stones feel awful. Feel like total shit. Gout and kidney stones are comorbid--brought about as a result of the meds I take to help me focus. So any day I don't drink enough water is a day when my kidneys or my foot just starts aching. But going back to September of 2020... Homophobia - 'goddammit' Finally things are looking better. I'm limping quickly again. Then I am called into the HR office. I am told that two sexual harassment charges have been brought against me. I'm told that one individual has alleged that I, while in the restroom, used a reflective toilet brush to attempt to peep him under a stall wall. I did not do this. I do not understand--reflective toilet brush?? wtf. The second allegation: I just straight up looked over a stall at a guy. I didn't do this either. I'm asked to defend myself, I ask who or date or time of day. I am given nothing. I remark that I don't think I'm tall enough to see over the stall, and I do not understand about the toilet brush. Of the ten minutes of the meeting, I spend 8 of them trying to get my head around how a claim about a reflective toilet brush has me here. "Would you like us to go now to see if you're tall enough to see over the stall? If that would help your defense?" says the HR head. "Yes, I

would," says I. We did not go. I am told that the accusers have no reason to be collaborating, or to even know each other made a claim. This is bullshit, because it was a company of 80 people, and only a quarter of those employees used the restroom where my alleged harassment was to have taken place. Before I am dismissed from work for the day to go home and wait to find out if I'll be fired or not, I march into the HR office once more and say "I hope none of this is happening because I'm gay." The HR head looks positively offended. I got fired cuz I'm gay. Next day I got a call. They'd come to the "objective truth" (that phrase is burned in my mind), and were terminating me. Apparently they discounted the toilet brush rumor, after all. But they really honestly believed I looked over the stall at a dude. Nightmare - 'No Fear One Fear' Let me tell you something: this is a nightmare. This is my honest-to-god nightmare. I've been terrified of getting accused of something in a bathroom since I was 11 years old. I am incredibly self-conscious and careful in public restrooms. To be fired? From a place full of people I like? And all of them will think I'm a pervert. My boyfriend worked at the same place. He would now have to work there every day dealing with people looking at him and wondering what he must think of his boyfriend. That sent me on a spiral. I'm still out of work, almost a year later. It would have been the worst mental health crisis of my life if it wasn't for my boyfriend, my support network, and the meds I've finally been able to get ahold of. Oh, also. My two accusers? Were roommates. HR knew they were roommates. They basically collaborated on a story to get me fired. The story circulating around the place (I still have acquaintances I talk to working there) has dropped the reflective toilet brush entirely. I guess they thought it was too unbelievable. So anyway, the people who accused me are now telling a different set of events than what I was told. Absolute horse shit. Tried to go to my city's human right's council to see if my situation warranted further attention. I gave my side of the story--including tales of the straight manager who had had enough harassment charges brought against him that he was no longer allowed to meet female staff--which indicated I'd been treated differently and wrongly. My old job made an impassioned argument that the committee violated their First Amendment rights(?) ('Freedom of speech' is the biggie with the First Amendment, for people who cba re:USA). I won the vote!! But one member of the committee was missing. So there weren't enough people for the vote to pass. Dismissed. We took it to the EEOC to make an official federal complaint. Just a week ago, an agent of the US Government patiently explained to us that these laws are literally designed to fuck over the worker and protect the employer unless they are epically stupid, and unfortunately, mine had not been epically stupid. So there's nowhere to go, no recourse to be had. It's over, I guess. Family - 'How to sum it up quickly...' My family hit me with the old soft-disown. No more calls, no more communication. They think they are loving me by not having contact with me. By depriving me of my family, they hope it will make me realize that the path I'm on is destructive, and I'll return to them living an upright life. No. I'm living an upright life, now. And if my family can choose to throw me away, then they are not a family I choose. Then my dad hit me back two months later, absolutely gaslighting me and pretending we never had the disown conversation at all. Reality - 'I don't know who I am anymore' I have trouble knowing what's real, anymore. Every message my dad sends on the surface seems loving and supportive and plaintive. I feel I must be the one in the wrong. I got fired for bullshit reasons. It doesn't feel real. "My family can't possibly have ceased contact with me: that's one of those things I know can never happen!!" But that did happen. So what else that feels real, actually isn't? I do

mean to be so dramatic, and I won't apologize for it. But I truly do feel like my mind has been pretty thoroughly unseated by the last year. Whoever I am, I'm becoming someone different. More distilled, at very least. I've discovered a lot of things about myself: trauma that has likely led to a lot of my mental health problems. Discovered I actually have RAGING ADHD, and it has robber me of a lot of things I wanted to do, and now is sort of consuming me completely. I'm looking for help. Trying to get better. Here's hoping. Every bold point above could be its own book, for all my thoughts about them. But enough of that for now. Love you. Thanks for reading.

#personal #depressed writing #life update #2020 sucked

[qqueenofhades]

I was already distressed about the political and social situation in the US, and then this happens. Are there any examples of societies that fought back against fascism and won, without civil or international war breaking out? Surely there must be some success stories in history. How did other societies overcome fascism, are there lessons to be applied to our current situation? Please tell me we're not doomed, because I have no hope for the future.

Sigh.

Okay.

I’ve been through... a lot of the stages of grief by now. That is, rageposting on tumblr, venting to my friends via text, drinking, crying while drinking, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, feeling the crushing weight of certainty that we’re all screwed and nothing matters, crying while talking to my sister, crying generally, lying in bed some more, and am currently still in bed while writing this, but am struggling to put on my internet historian aunt hat and offer some comfort to the stricken masses.

First off: This is bad. I’m not even going to pretend this isn’t bad. We all knew RBG had cancer again, but it was pretty fixed in our minds that she would somehow manage to hang on until after the election. 45 days before the biggest presidential election of all time, in the middle of this year, when names including Ted “Zodiac Killer” Cruz and Tom “Time for Roe vs. Wade to go, block federal funding from being used to teach about slavery, send in the military to crush the BLM protesters” Cotton have already been floated as some of her possible replacements? With Trump and McConnell determined to work as fast as possible to steal this seat as brazenly as they can, because they are literal fascists who don’t care about their own example (Merrick Garland was nominated in FEBRUARY of an election year and McConnell held it up for being “too close to the election?”)

Ugh. Anyone who doesn’t get that this is bad or acting like people are overreacting doesn’t get what’s at stake. And when, as we’ve said before and are saying again now, the future of everyone who isn’t a white straight rich Republican man in this country depends on an 87-year-old woman with cancer for the fourth time? Something’s wrong here. RBG’s death did not have to leave us in this total existential panic, and oh yeah, maybe this could have ALL BEEN AVOIDED AND WE COULD HAVE ALSO HAD THREE (3) NEW LIBERAL JUSTICES SECURING PROGRESSIVE LEGISLATION FOR A GENERATION IF SOME OF YOU HAD JUST FUCKING VOTED FOR HILLARY CLINTON IN TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING SIXTEEN.

(Why yes I am still mad about that, I will be bitter until the end of time that we were consigned to four years and counting of this completely avoidable nightmare because of apathy, misogyny, and Leftist Moral Purity TM, but we’re talking about the future and what can still be done here, not what’s in the past.)

Anyway. Here’s the bright side, which admittedly sucks right now, but it’s been the answer all long:

VOTE.

You have to fucking vote, and you have to fucking vote for Biden/Harris. Everything that we’ve been talking about is no longer a hypothetical; it’s happening right now. This is not just some Awful Worst Case scenario, and it’s not somehow being spouted by privileged white liberals ignoring the struggles of the masses. (Viz: that awful fucking text post with its simpering self-righteousness: “are you punching nazis or just telling oppressed people to vote blue?” I hate that text post with a fiery passion and it’s the exact kind of morally holier than thou leftist propaganda that wouldn’t surprise me if it was generated by a troll farm in Krasnoyarsk.) My dad is disabled and lives on Social Security. Trump’s second-term plan to end the payroll tax takes SSID out by mid-2021, so... I guess that’s my dad fucked then. I’m a gay woman with long-term mental illness, no healthcare, no savings, no current job, and a lot of student debt. My sister has complex health problems and relies intensely on publicly funded healthcare programs. All my family have underlying conditions that would put them at worse risk for COVID (age, asthma, immune issues.) These are just the people IN MY HOUSEHOLD who would be at risk from a second Trump presidency. It says NOTHING about my friends, about all the people far less fortunate than us, and everyone else who IS ALREADY DYING as this nation lurches into full-blown fascism. That is real. It is happening.

Here’s the good news and what you can do:

Democrats are fired up and mad as hell, and they’ve already donated $31 million between the announcement of RBG’s death last night and today, and that number is climbing every second.

You can help by donating to Get Mitch or Die Trying, which splits your donation 13 ways between the Democrats challenging the most vulnerable Republican seats in the Senate. That also has raised EIGHT MILLION BUCKS in the less-than-twenty-four hours.

You can donate RIGHT NOW to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, vote if your state offers early voting, request your mail-in ballot, or hound everyone you know to ensure that they’re registered.

You can call your US Senators (look up who they are for your state, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE REPUBLICAN OR YOU LIVE IN A SWING STATE OR ARE UP FOR RE-ELECTION IN 2020) and phone the Capitol switchboard at 202-224-3121 to voice your insistence that they respect RBG’s last wishes and refuse to vote on any Trump nominee until after January 2021.

The other good-ish news is that I woke up to an email from the Biden campaign this morning about how they’re well aware of this and they’re already on it. BUT WE CANNOT COUNT ON EITHER THEM OR THE SENATE DEMOCRATS TO BE ABLE TO STOP IT. Because Joe Biden is not president and the Senate Democrats do not have a majority, if the Republicans manage to rush a nominee and a vote and all 52 GOP senators vote for that nominee, hey presto, tyranny by majority, a SECOND stolen Supreme Court seat, and a 6-3 hard conservative majority for the next generation. Even if Roberts or Gorsuch sometimes defect on procedural grounds, Kagan, Sotomayor, and Breyer (who is also 82 and thus ALSO might soon be replaceable, thus resulting in an EVEN WORSE ideological swing) would be outnumbered on everything. This is terrible. I’m not even gonna pretend it wouldn’t be.

BUT:

If Joe Biden is elected with a Democratic Senate and House, IT MATTERS. It gets us off the fascism track, it gives us the ability to make progressive law and have it enacted without going to die in Mitch McConnell’s Kill Stack, it gives Biden the executive authority to nominate liberal judges and change Trump’s worst outrages on day 1, it stands as a huge example of a nation managing to reject fascism by democratic process, and while yes, we’d still have a terribly rigged Supreme Court, Democrats would control all the other branches of government and be able to put safeguards in place. The other option is outright fascism and the end of American democracy for good. This may sound alarmist. It’s not. It’s literally what the situation has ended up as, as all of us who were begging people to vote for HRC in 2016 saw coming all along.

So yes. That’s what you need to do, and what WE need to do. We need to make as much goddamn noise as possible, protest, contact elected representatives, make sure everybody pulls their weight and ferociously fights the promised attempt to ram through a new justice before Election Day, all that. But even if that does happen, THEN WE NEED TO FUCKING DONATE, ORGANIZE, AND VOTE FOR JOE BIDEN AND DEMOCRATS UP AND DOWN THE BALLOT. ALL OF US. NO EXCUSES. NO MORE TWITTER LEFTIST ECHO CHAMBERS. NO MORE. THEN, EVEN WITH A RIGGED SUPREME COURT, WE WILL ALL BE SAFER ON NOVEMBER 4TH AND CAN TRY TO FIX WHAT’S BROKEN.

The stakes are just too high to do anything else.

May her memory be a blessing, and a revolution.

#politics for ts #bury me in a mountain of salt #then vote #the end #humoristhefirstcasualty #ask

[kitty-av]

Ok, so I don't know how this whole Tumblr thing works yet. I know how to search on tags, but still on clue on what to actually do really. I guess I'm just going to dump some of my favourite things I have on my Instagram for starters, then I'll double post here and there when I make something?

Starting an account on a new social media site is definitely going to be weird at first I suppose, but I'm willing to try. Anyways, some art

( Yes my signature is different than my user. That's because one is my initials, and one is pleasantly symmetrical so I like it - AV as letters fit together ok? )

In order: The Zagreus piece is literally the only time in recent memory I attempted to do a composition, and it's still my favourite purely for that ( I have issues with picking back up after a break, my mind goes all or nothing, so large pieces make me intimidated. That one took me 6 hours and I was exhausted by the end. I need to figure out how to work day by day, I'm getting there but definitely not there yet ). I really had fun with it because I wanted to experiment with lighting, colour, and framing. I think I did that quite well, considering how looking at it from a distance gives you a clear read on what's happening. I definitely should've tried to refine it further, but you know what, I think the roughness gives it some charm. Now if only I used reference for the muscles, then it would've been perfect. But yes, this drawing is still my baby, a baby with flaws, but still my baby.

The skull was a random study. My favourite portrait like painting. Working on the details was fun, and I also made it pink because why not. Pink is a nice colour, especially for skulls. I don't know why but it just is. I put it on my profile because it's aesthetic. Nothing really to note here other than that, it's a funky lil pink skull and that's all it needs to be.

The big mountain guy was my first drawing with my new tablet, so I feel obligated to put them here. It's just a small test piece, hence the simplicity. But then again, as I said before, it is what it is, and that's fine. Simple is good, and this is a nice calming piece of a mountain dude chilling with a crystal. Also I remember I tried to make this look kinda like the northern lights because they're cool.

Moon lady is my best portrait from back when I was using my old tablet, and still holds up really well. I wish I remembered how I drew her cheekbones/ skin because I highly doubt I can pull off that smoothness again. Not like it matters, styles evolve after all - but I also enjoy finding things in my art I still like even after months of not looking at it. Moon lady's smooth skin is one of those things. Also playing with dark values is fun, especially when there are glowing details.

Last but not least, still from my old tablet era, we have January. Literally January. We had an assignment to turn a month into a person ( I think so at least, it was related to turning January into something ) so I decided to be quirky and draw a weird ice humanoid thing instead of a pretty lady. They do not look like they're made of ice at all because I didn't and still don't really know how to paint ice, but you know what - they're cool looking. They have a mask because mysterious things are nice, and the gem things are there because I was getting into my Hades phase and Nyx's and Chaos' designs are dope and they have gems so why not do the gem thing. I remember I wanted them to be very thin and unnerving with fabric fusing into body and what not, and I did it, so I'm proud of it.

So yeah. Just a little summary type thing. Like a recap episode of an anime or something. Putting myself in here so I can continue when I start doing the art thing again. I've never really stopped, but digitally speaking I haven't in a while due to the previously mentioned ' I literally can't for the life of me turn in for the day and continue the next day so I feel obligated to complete everything in one session and so I just rarely sit down to draw ' issues.

I've done quite a bit of sketching and traditional art outside of digital though, this crayon death for example:

Not really perfect, but it is completed and it's proof, so yeah.

Anyway, I have literally no idea how to tag these now. Probably will add Hades because of my Zagreus. Maybe someone can help me figure out how Tumblr tagging works? Anyway, I'm also going to leave my Instagram here. Unfortunately, I cannot find a way to link it, so I hope a screenshot will do for now

Yeah, that's all for now I think

Bye for now!

#new to tumblr #digital art #zagreus hades #artwork #art #new artist

[inkofamethyst]

January 1, 2022

Another new year, another day of me holding myself back from exclaiming that january first is just another day.  It marks the passage of time just like any other day does.  But I don’t say that when people wish me a happy new year because then I’d be a buzzkill who ruins the mood and also I can recognize that some people (for some reason) really like celebrating the end of one year and the beginning of another.  So Happy New Year to those people, from me, I guess.

You know, if you really think about it, the “if he wanted to he would” is a really stupid philosophy.  Like yea some people are just naturally more thoughtful.  And it’s cute to see a guy do cute things without being asked.  But that statement really only breeds bitterness and is therefore not helpful.  Talk to your man.  And if you can’t do that, re-evaluate.  Idk I just see it so often in tiktok comments to the point where it’s kind of lost the original sentiment behind it imo.

Speaking of tiktok,,,, there’s this dude who is gaining a huge following right now because he’s recently planned to sell women’s jeans with big pockets.  He’s framing his whole brand around himself sticking up to the fast fashion industry and listening to what women want and he’s apparently gotten threatening emails from fast fashion companies and he has a lawyer and investors... and I just can’t help but get this icky feeling that maybe, just maybe, we’re all being duped?  That maybe all of this will come to nothing and he’s just using women’s desire to be heard to gain a following.  Like that redheaded guy and black women a few months back.  I mean this wouldn’t be the first time where a man developed something to help women, but I’m also really skeptical... There’s a lot of talk and a lot of hype and his page only recently became devoted to this plan and I haven’t seen a sketch or design or prototype in any of the videos I’ve watched.  Just him, a smile, and an excited voice saying all the pretty words that women want to hear.

Anyway, to change topics completely, I really really enjoyed watching Hawkeye (even if the end credits scene did not live up to my expectations (though don’t get me wrong I’d love a fully overhyped musical about Steve Rogers that only draws facts from public information and has to make up stuff about his life to add to the drama (yknow, the forced romance subplots n stuff))), but I just... I cannot, I simply am unable to look at Florence Pugh, a literally fantastic actress (at the age of twenty five agh), and not see flashbacks of that awful, godforsaken movie in my head.  I WAS TOO SOFT FOR IT THEN AND I AM TOO SOFT FOR IT NOW.  (I can’t find the date of the post where I talked about it because the tumblr search system is absolute booty but oh god oh man oh it was bad that was a terribly sickening night.  (WAIT I FOUND IT.  Feb 1 2020))  I saw her in Little Women and was tortured by those images.  Same with Black Widow.  It’s that... that little frown thing she does where her mouth is slightly open... haunts me.

Wait hold on.  I think I have another project to add to the Winter Break list.  I’m pretty sure I have three yards of this black rib knit fabric that I bought for a Storm cosplay even though it would be pretty terrible for a Storm cosplay and also that’s a pretty uninspired cosplay choice for a Black girl tbh (not that I wouldn’t do it, but I think I felt like it was really the only option for me lol and that’s simply not true) but!!  While I’ve been afraid of sewing knits for ages, I made a knit dress for my mom for Christmas and it was literally no issue at all, all I did was get a ballpoint needle.  ~So~ I think I wanna sew this jumpsuit from Mood to sort of replace the black one I already own which doesn’t work with bras (I probably just need to buy some boob tape or something).  Alternatively, I could try making a square-neckline dress to replace the one I own which also coincidentally does not work well with bras.

If I could get one project done each week, I’d be in fantastic shape.  And that’d be a totally achievable goal if I wasn’t working on a walking skirt that refuses to cooperate (this is me being hyperbolic there’s really only been one problem so far lol.  Can you believe I took measurements and did my patent-pending Pleat Math which has never steered me wrong before and still came up with a final waistline that was two inches too big???  Unacceptable.  The plan is to try to fix it tonight somehow.

I watched three movies yesterday (Ron Goes Wrong, Sonic, and Archive) and I also did some sewing and just resting in general and it was great.  Aside from the pleating thing, the walking skirt is certainly coming along!!  I’m treating it as a relatively low-stakes project, but I’m putting in effort to certain parts of it to learn techniques (ex. the material is just okay, but I did flatline it (...not amazingly well), and I plan to fell/catchstitch the seams by hand (there’s going to be so much handsewing involved and I’m so excited), etc).  I generally enjoyed all of the movies I watched, and they were all moving in their own ways, but Archive was by far the most moving and interesting (...even if the premise loses steam around the edges, but none of that was explored in the movie, so I’ve decided to just let it be), and also Theo James is still very hot.  He’s more attractive now even than he was in Divergent tbh.

Today I’m thankful that I got through another year.  Here’s to whatever nonsense 2022 brings I guess.