#literally my only outlet for any kind of relief is talking to you guys on here

[nerdyfangirl67]

If You Only Knew - Criminal Minds Reader Insert

Pairing: Hotch x reader

Warning: angst, language, depressing thoughts, fluff ending!

Word count: 1725

Something takes place between Hotch and the reader. The reader tries to live without him but soon realizes that he is her grounding force.

A/N: I got the idea for this one from the song If You Only Knew by Shindown. I suggest listening to it at some point when reading this, or before, because it really adds to the mood. Perfectly okay to read it without though. It was a bad day for me so I didn’t get this proofread. If you find anything, and I haven’t gone through and fixed it, you can totally let me know.

Numb. All you had felt for the last month was numb. Sure, you had felt pain in the beginning, followed swiftly by anger and then rejection, but for the last month, all you could remember being was numb.

When he had been in your life, you had never realized how much he grounded you, in a good way. His presence alone had you feeling as though you could achieve anything you set your mind to. Now though, he was gone. And you had come to realize that you were floating away, with nothing to hold you in place.

Aaron had left with barely a warning. He gave you the simple, “I’m not good for you” speech and had walked away. You hadn’t believed that he was the kind of person who would do that, especially because you had quickly and quietly given him your heart in the short year the two of you had been together.

The first week after he left, when all you felt was pain, you had spent on your couch, surrounded by used Kleenex, empty ice cream containers, and all the comedy DVDs you owned. You had hoped that if you stayed there long enough, it would all turn out to be a dream. A cruel, pointless dream, but a dream none the less. Then, after forcing yourself out of your pit of despair, you had written letters. Letters intended for Aaron, that you used as an outlet for everything you felt for him. You wrote letter after letter, sometimes three a day, but you never sent them. You had gotten as far as addressing the envelopes, and even put stamps on a few.

As the rejection crept in on the pain squeezing your heart, you had spent many a night surrounded by empty bottles of cheap beer and an increasing need to see him, to hear him, and feel him, as you used to. There were even the handful of nights you had driven all the way to his apartment building, intent on giving him a piece of your mind and admittedly wanting to see him again outside of the Aaron in your longing  imagination. Yet, all you ever ended up doing was sitting outside of the building in your car, some nights for hours.

Then after a few weeks of pain and building resentment towards him and what he did, you stopped feeling anything at all. Period. It was as if all the feelings you had ever felt, or would ever feel, were simply gone. Try as you might, you couldn’t find joy in any of the things you used to. And you hated yourself for it. You hated that, in the last year, your happiness had become dependent on your relationship with Aaron.

At this point, you had used all of your vacation days, and even some sick days, from work. The thought alone that you might run into Aaron when you returned, even though you worked in the Cyber Crimes unit on a different floor, had you scrambling to try and come up with an excuse good enough to earn you a few more weeks off. In the end, you were unable to come up with such an excuse.

Your first day back was a Monday and had you been thinking clearly, you may not have told your best friend, who just so happened to work for the FBI as well, that you would be returning. You didn’t think you would be able to fake having actually been on vacation, rather than experiencing one of the most painful breakups of your life. Especially if your best friend was the ever-enthusiastic Penelope Garcia.

But you hadn’t thought enough about your return, other than how you were going to avoid Aaron, so when you walk your desk Monday morning and see Penelope waiting there for you, you quickly have to decide whether to tell her the truth or make up a vacation story.

“Oh Y/N/N, what happened?” Apparently Penelope didn’t have to be a profiler to read you. You grab your chair and roll it towards her, resting your head on her shoulder when you get there.

You didn’t even know where to start. Penelope knew you had been dating someone, just not who. “I--my, uh boyfriend left, I guess. He decided he wasn’t good enough for me or some shit like that.”

Penelope grabs your hand gently, lacing her fingers with yours. “He still loves you.” Her simple words have you sitting up and looking her in the eyes.

“What? How do you know?” The slight confusion is evident in your voice.

“It’s so obvious Y/N who ‘he’ is. You guys are always giving each other googly eyes. And ‘he’ has been a real mess these last couple weeks.” You feel both a sense of relief, at not having to hide the truth from your best friend any longer, and an intense wave of pain, one that you hadn’t felt for weeks, at the thought of Aaron suffering.

“I-I can’t. I don’t know what to say to him. All I want is to feel his arms around me and for him to tell me ‘everything is going to be all right’.” You whisper, no longer able to hold back the truth of what you were feeling.

“Oh baby, you gotta tell him. He won’t come to you, he’s too stubborn.” She gently states, giving the hand you were holding a soft squeeze.

You nod your head in agreement and after a few minutes of small talk with Penelope and a promise for a girls’ night soon, you get to work on the pile of case files on your desk. The day drags by slowly, with you only risking leaving your desk for lunch and the occasional bathroom break.

——-

The week continued in a similar fashion. You worked close to your desk, with little interaction to anyone outside of your unit, other than Penelope. You were caught up on all the paperwork that had piled up on your desk by six o’ clock Friday evening and decided to head home.

After a quick stop at the supermarket, in which more bottles of wine than you actually needed end up in your cart, you arrive home. You are quick to change into lounging clothes and pour yourself a glass of wine before moving to the couch. Turning on your favorite TV show, you binge-watch late into the night.

It’s one AM before you finally drag yourself to bed. And although it’s the middle of the night, you have trouble falling asleep. In fact, you spend a majority of the remaining hours until dawn tossing and turning in bed.

When you do finally look at the clock, after a night of little sleep, the time, 4:03 in bright white digits, stares back at you. You let out a sigh of defeat as you push away the covers and climb out of bed. It is as if your body is on auto-pilot as you unconsciously pull on a pair of sneakers and slip on a hoodie. You quickly make your way through your apartment building, down the stairs and out to the parking lot.

You are halfway to Aaron’s apartment before you truly realize what you’re doing. Even once you do realize where you’re headed, you keep going. You were tired of being apart from the man you loved and even if all you get is ten minutes with him, you were going to make it worth it.

Ten minutes later you were knocking rapidly on Aaron’s door. A moment of silence follows before the door is being swung open. You shove past Aaron, not wanting him to slam the door in your face. He turns to you, watching you but not speaking. His eyes, usually the color of warm whiskey, are darker now. His brow is creased and his stance tense.

“What are you doing here?” He asks in an emotionless tone.

Your heart jumps to your throat and you struggle to get the words out. “I-I can’t do this Aaron. I can’t spend my life having let you go. I know it’s cheesy,...but you, and Jack. are quite literally the ones who make me complete. I tried Aaron, I did. But you and Jack are all I need and now that I know what it is like without you, I can’t ever live that life.”

Aaron’s eyes scan your body hungrily and you take a step towards him, holding a hand out as you gently approach him. He doesn’t move as you tentatively brush a lock of hair away from his forehead. Standing this close to him, you notice the dark circles under his eyes and the wrinkled appearance of his T-shirt. He doesn’t move when you touch him so you close the remaining space between you.

“Kiss me?” You ask softly, your voice thick with want and anticipation.

He doesn’t move right away, but suddenly his lips are roughly pressed against yours. You kiss him back with an equal amount of need and intensity. You feel him weave a hand into your hair and grab your hip to pull you closer to him. You grip the front of his T-shirt tightly in your hands. The kiss continues until the two of you break apart for air.

You pant lightly, keeping your hands on his chest. He removes his hands from your body, placing them over yours. The warmth fades from his eyes and is replaced with a serious glint.

“You deserve better than me. I’m never home, I work all the time and whenever I am free, I spend time with Jack. You deserve someone who will take you out for dates, who will be there to fall asleep with you, and give you the life you want.” As he speaks he moves to put space between the two of you.  

You shake your head violently. “No. You are all I want.” Your voice is firm as you take a step closer to him. He stares at you for a long moment, not moving or speaking. Then he hesitantly steps forward and wraps you into a tight embrace. You lean your head against his chest, listening to the dull thud of his heart. And for the first time in weeks, you feel whole.

#criminal minds #criminal minds reader #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds reader insert #reader insert #fanfiction #fandom #imagine #reader #BAU #aaron #aaron hotchner #aaron x reader #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron x you #hotch x reader #hotch x you #Hotch

[spaceskam]

14 maria deluca

i’m sorry this took so long, I am indeed a distaster

tags: friends with benefits, fluff (mostly), pre-relationship, POV Maria DeLuca

14. Casual [ao3]

It started out as a good idea.

Maria needed an outlet and Kyle needed a distraction. It was fitting, honestly, because they both worked weird schedules. It wasn’t anything serious, just something they did when they needed to blow off some steam. One of them would go to the other’s after a long shift at work, they’d hook up at three or so in the morning, and then they’d make a respectable walk of shame at around six.

It was only when it became rather recurring and they started running into issues of keeping it a secret between them that the good idea part seemed to fade.

“Okay, so, maybe we should talk,” Kyle said one morning as they both laid in his bed, his questionably expensive sheets draped over them. They’d caught their breath already and the sweat on their skin was drying. Maria, personally, felt nice and floaty still.

“About what?” she asked.

Kyle shifted onto his side and looked down at her, gaze warm and welcoming in a way that made her heart beat a little faster. That was all new. She still wasn’t quite sure how to handle that feeling. That or the fluttery feeling she got whenever she showed up at his door smelling like alcohol and sweat and he looked at her like he’d be willing to lick the ground she walked on.

“Rosa is coming home soon,” Kyle said, “And she’s gonna be staying with me. New environment, a non-alien environment. No offense.”

“None taken,” Maria said as she moved to prop herself up on her elbows.

She’d gone to see Rosa a few times in rehab, but things between them were still a little off and none of it was made better by Isobel monopolizing Rosa’s visiting hours. Maria was hoping to fix that after she came back home. They were best friends at one point and she knew they could figure out a way to get that back, even if times had changed and they now had nearly a decade of age difference. The alien thing was just a fork in the already bumpy road.

But Maria was looking forward to putting in the extra effort.

“I’m not exactly sure how to navigate this with her in the house,” Kyle said.

“I mean, I don’t mind coming over when she’s here. I want to start hanging out with her more, two birds, one stone,” Maria said. Kyle made a face. A small one, but a face nonetheless. “Okay, then you can come to mine.”

“Then she’s going to ask where I was.”

Maria searched his face, trying to find anything that would give away whatever he was thinking. Kyle was usually pretty good at saying what was on his mind all the way up until he was sure it was going to get a negative response.

“Oh. So… you want to stop.”

“I don’t want to,” Kyle insisted, sitting up a bit more, “I just don’t know how else we can keep going without her noticing something is up.”

“I mean, we’re all adults here, it’s fine if she knows.”

“Yeah, but she’s my little-big sister and your friend and I’m her sister’s ex, that’s weird, right? If she knows about our sex life? Like, honestly, I don’t want to stop, I have a lot of fun with you, but you don’t think she’d think it’s gross or awkward or something?” Kyle said. Maria huffed a laugh, tilting her head as she sat up completely alongside him.

“Do you really think she’s going to care? After seeing her big-little sister dating one of the guys that literally covered up her murder, I don’t think me and you are going to be that big of an issue,” Maria said. Her tone was colder than intended, but she couldn’t help it when bringing up the topic of Rosa’s murder. 

God, that still pissed her off to an unmatched degree.

“I just don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable around me or in her own house,” Kyle said, a little pout on his ridiculously handsome features.

Sometimes, when she let herself think too much, Maria couldn’t fathom why Kyle was interested in her of all people. He had a good, stable job and had the face of a fucking god. It wasn’t even that she thought low of herself, it just didn’t make sense that he would settle for anyone in this town. And yet, here he was, trying to think of a way to make his sister feel welcome in his home.

How perfect could he get?

“I know her pretty well, I think,” Maria said. And she did. She felt like she knew Rosa better than she knew most people. Granted, there was a possibility some of it wasn’t as accurate as she would like it to be, but time causes a lot of fuck ups. “And I don’t think she’d be uncomfortable. I mean, she might make fun of us and make it awkward for us, but for the most part, I’d think she’d be fine.”

Kyle bit down on his lip hesitantly.

“Are you positive?” he wondered.

“If it would make it easier, I can talk to her about it,” Maria offered. That didn’t seem to bring him any kind of solace. “Or we can not tell her anything and just act normal? Like this is totally casual and not worthy of a discussion?”

“Casual,” Kyle repeated, nodding his head. Maria didn’t know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing to hear. “Right. Um. Okay. What if we go somewhere in between?”

“What the hell is in between?”

“Okay,” Kyle said, shifting towards her with so much enthusiasm that the sheets shifted and she got a very distracting glimpse of the length of his torso down to his upper thigh, “What if we just tell her that we’ve been hanging out more? Like, as friends. No details necessary.”

Maria searched his face, feeling almost guilty at the way he seemed so convinced that was a great idea. Rosa was going to see right through it and she was going to call them out immediately. But, if that’s what he wanted, she would do it.

“Okay. I’ll tell her that we’re just hanging out.”

“Okay, cool,” Kyle said, shoulders dropping with relief. He then blinked at her twice before throwing himself back onto her, pushing them both back into the mattress.

Maria laughed as he did so, smiled as he kissed her again, enjoyed every second as he fit himself on top of her effortlessly.

It was definitely worth trying to come up with something to tell Rosa.

-

Or. That was going to work well in theory.

It’d been two weeks since Rosa had started staying with Kyle, two weeks since Maria was hanging out with her more whenever she could. She and Kyle decided not to risk anything sketchy, but they’d both been getting a little antsy and, truthfully, phone sex just wasn’t cutting it when the real thing was right there. 

So, Maria found herself at 3:30 AM standing on Kyle’s porch and tapping her foot against the ground. The plan was she was going to be quiet, slip into his bedroom, get their fix, and slip out before Rosa woke up.

But, when Kyle opened the door with wide eyes and a tilted head, she knew something was up.

“She’s still awake,” Kyle whispered. Maria couldn’t even find it in herself to be shocked. She was more annoyed that she had been so blindsided by horny brain that she forgot Rosa was borderline nocturnal.

“Do you want me to leave?” Maria whispered back.

“Well, I already opened the door, so‒”

“You’re going to let bugs in and I’m not killing any of them, I’m just going to push them into your bedroom!” Rosa called, “Just tell Maria to come in!”

“I guess you’re coming in,” Kyle said. 

Maria took a deep breath and tried not to feel weird about it as she stepped inside. Kyle, however, had apparently never learned to hide any of his facial expressions and his disappointment was written clear across his face. Maria carefully swatted his stomach and headed into the living room.

“Hey!” Maria said, reaching out to give Rosa a hug where she was sitting on the couch. She had a bowl of popcorn in her lap and her eyes were trained on the gory scene in front of her, but she still managed to give Maria a hug.

“Hey, how was work?” Rosa asked, glancing over at her just to show she was paying attention before looking back to the TV.

“Fine. Didn’t have to throw anyone out and I got tipped pretty well, so I can’t complain,” Maria said, her eyes following Kyle as he went to sit on the other side of Rosa.

“That’s good. Kyle over here didn’t even save a life this evening, so I’m glad one of you did something productive,” she said. Kyle glared at her like he was personally offended.

“The fact that we didn’t have any extremely pressing surgeries tonight is a good thing,” Kyle said. Rosa shrugged.

Maria found herself laughing quietly at their casual bickering. It was a weird, yet welcome change. She had gotten so used to hearing it from Liz and Rosa that it was strange hearing it from someone else, but it was also a new way to see Kyle. Maria quite liked each new version of him she saw.

Still, they lapsed into silence as they watched the movie. Maria had no idea what the plot was or what was even happening, she just knew there was a lot of screaming and a lot of blood splatter, and Rosa seemed invested. So Maria tried to get equally invested, but she produced a less than stellar performance.

Instead, she found herself glancing behind Rosa’s head to look at Kyle. Half the time he was already looking at her. The idea that he couldn’t stop looking at her had her shifting in her seat and feeling a bit warm. She wanted him more than her logical brain could even make sense of and she didn’t know how to feel that not even Rosa’s presence and her movie of choice could turn her off.

What the hell was Kyle doing to her?

“Oh my God,” Rosa said suddenly, groaning and grumbling in Spanish as she leaned forward to grab the remote. Maria jumped, eyes wide as if she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t. But she hadn’t. All she did was look at Kyle. That wasn’t illegal. Still, Rosa shut the movie off. “Can you guys stop eye-fucking over my head? I’m going to vomit.”

“What are you talking about?” Kyle asked, but his face gave it away. He was the worst liar Maria had ever seen. 

That made him all the more endearing.

“I know y’all are seeing each other or whatever the fuck,” Rosa said, pushing off the couch and putting the bowl on the table, “I don’t care, by the way, but I’d rather you never make me sit through that ever again. That was disgusting.”

“We didn’t even do anything,” Maria defended. Rosa rolled her eyes.

“I know you well enough to know what you do when you’re flirting and you’re totally flirting with my brother right in front of my eyes,” Rosa said. Kyle took a sharp breath in. “So gross. I’m going to my room and playing my music loudly. Call me when you’re not waiting for me to go to sleep so you can bang like I’m a child.”

Rosa saluted and walked to the guest bedroom. Sure enough, loud music started coming from her room and Maria let out a disbelieving laugh. She didn’t have enough time to turn to Kyle before her phone alerted her of a message.

Rosa<3: It’d be a lot less gross if I wasn’t related to him, but at least he isn’t ugly and he’s also a doctor. So gross but also good job, proud of you, make him buy us a yacht once he pays of his student loans

Maria laughed, a bit of weight lifted off her chest. She didn’t really think Rosa would mind, but Kyle’s nerves about it had rubbed off on her. She looked up to let him know that she was all for it and saw Kyle still staring straight forward, lips parted in shock.

“Hey,” Maria said, eyebrows pulling together as she slid closer. She put her hand on his shoulder. “You okay? She doesn’t mind, like, she’s not mad or anything.”

“That’s the first time she’s called me her brother to my face,” Kyle said, turning his head, “She’s never said I was her brother.”

Maria smiled softly, “Well, you are.”

“Yeah, but… she never says it. I don’t know, I feel like that was some kind of milestone or something. Like I should celebrate,” Kyle said, huffing a laugh. Maria shook her head fondly and slid her hand across his shoulder blades.

���I know a couple of ways we can celebrate.”

“I was kinda thinking of grabbing a beer with Alex, but that’s good too,” Kyle said honestly. Maria laughed and tugged him closer. She felt his breath on her lips and wondered how the hell she went two whole weeks without it.

“You can do both.”

“I like your thinking,” Kyle murmured, and then he was on her, leaning in and kissing her as it’d been forever. And it sort of had been.

Kyle didn’t break the kiss as he shifted around and grabbed her thighs, lifting her off the couch. Maria gasped softly in response, but she held onto him and let him take her to his bedroom. Rosa’s music was still clear despite it being muted by his bedroom door closing.

They fell back onto his bed, pulling each other closer and closer and it seemed impossible to get enough. Even as they started stripping and touching and things heated, none of it seemed like it would be satisfying enough. She wanted to do this for hours. Days. Weeks.

And suddenly it didn’t feel so casual anymore.

And, for some reason, Maria didn’t even mind.

#maria/kyle #maria/kyle fic #maria deluca #kyle valenti #roswell new mexico #my fic #title tuesday

[bigskydreaming]

Thank you again and still for all the help and support! I really truly can not imagine making it through the past couple days without it, considering I spent most of it awake and in the bathroom puking from the constant migraines that come with your head not being happy about its bones not being in the right place. Stress aggravates them, or at least my awareness of them, and because of how little work there is currently and how expensive being broke and disabled in LA is, let’s just say, there’s been stress, lol.

I’m feeling a bit better today, or at least I’m making myself pretend that and act like that since I’ve got another appointment at that clinic where I get my juicy and tasty IV bags of nutrients pumped into me since I barely even CAN eat, physically, which combined with the lack of sleep and the nausea, like, also not a great combination.

So, I mean it when I say your donations and support have absolutely been invaluable, everything from a couple dollars to an anonymous message, like, its all amazing and appreciated and invaluable. Yeah. I already said that, whoops, anyway, BUT I DIGRESS.

That’s about all of an update I have there, lol, so in other news, I should be around more today since like I said, I’m feeling a bit better and have possibly plateau-ed on this latest pain level. (My super-annoying superpower....ever since I was a kid I’ve been able to adapt to increases in pain like a pro. As in, being able to manage/function despite it. Course, I still feel it, but give me a day or two to adjust to a new norm in how much my body hates me currently, and then I can power through).

So, like I said, I should be around more today, and I’ll probably be random as hell. Like I’ve mentioned before, my blog is where I spew literally everything from inane thoughts to fandom feels, since its like.....my only social outlet these past couple years and the only way I get to interact with people who aren’t doctors. Expect no pattern in topics until I find whatever sticks and keeps me focused on it enough to serve as a distraction from, y’know, the broke body and broke bank account.

SO! Absolutely feel free to hit me up about anything and everything. ESPECIALLY if you’ve made a donation or sent me something. Like, I know some people who have sent money don’t even follow me or know me at all and are just generous spirits who saw my post somewhere, but for any of you who have sent any kind of support just cuz you like, like me and my rambles, lol, totally feel free to drop into my messages even on anon and say what kind of posts or content from me you really engage with and would love to see more of. I can’t make any promises or guarantees, unfortunately, given I didn’t expect or plan on crashing so hard these last couple days, bleh, and just....literally, like, writing more of the kind of stuff or posts people who have helped me stay alive is pretty much the only way I have of kinda giving at least something back, so I mean, I am happy to pounce on anything in that direction. 

Again, just can’t make any guarantees given how unpredictable my life is and depending on how many people send requests or prompts or messages, etc, but I don’t delete anything of that nature and I usually get back around to stuff EVENTUALLY. For instance, I’m REALLY hoping to finish up two one-shots today, one that’s focused on Duke, Dick and Cass from that prompt you sent me a couple weeks ago, @zee-gee, and the other uh.....that umm, TW/X-Men fusion you commissioned way longer ago than my pride will allow me to admit in public @camelotpark, lol. And like, those posts you see me making to @russianspacegeckosexparty about the changelings project I talk about a lot, like.....Adam basically just sends me random thoughts and prompts about it all the time, and its like a running thread that’s easy for me to pick back up and sink into whenever I see a new one in my inbox and I’ve got enough spoons at the moment to dig in.

Also have a couple other things I want to respond to today while I have the energy and a destined-to-be-longer-than-it-needs-to-be meta about Dick’s positioning in narratives with various other characters and WHY I think it so usually works out that way, and I’m aiming to keep that more like....musing-esque than rant-errific, but uh, let’s see how that actually goes, lmfao.

Anyway, that’s what I have in mind for today, aside from my going to get my IV buffet at ten and emailing and calling people from listings about rooms to rent, but tbh, I might just end up being even more random and sporadic than usual, if I can’t focus on any of those long enough to stay sufficiently distracted today. (Like, my other annoying superpower as long-time followers have heard before, is my ridiculously fast metabolism. I know, “oh no, I’m so skinny, poor me,” but like....its never been about weight gain or loss for me, its about how fast my body processes various medications, meaning pretty much every painkiller I’ve ever tried is largely useless to me, or at most wears off in a couple hours.....whereas my ADHD meds actually provide me MORE relief from the pain than any of them. Basically, they let me actually focus on something OTHER than pain and not get interrupted/distracted by the occasional pain spike that likes to remind me its there and wants my attention......so I mean, I still feel everything that comes with my head being physically out of whack, but for the hours vyvanse is working for me, coupled with some heavy duty pain meds, I can like.....just sorta....not care about it for awhile. Like, it hasn’t gone away but its more shoved to the back of my mind at least. And all of that, I’m happy to stuff in a closet whenever I can, lol).

And that’s enough rambles for this post, I think. LOLOLOL, as if I have a quota. But yeah. Just wanted to express how much your support has meant and continues to mean, and like.....I’m still here and alive and crossing fingers that I’ll hear about an actual surgery date soon, but in the meanwhile like......I’m kinda stuck in a perpetual Limbo, one that’s largely confined to whatever is in hobbling distance from my bed of the day, and as much as donations help me physically, in remaining able to at least stay that way, just, any and all interactions on here help by keeping me engaged with the world on at least some level, and make it so I have stuff to think or talk about beyond my own situation and how I’m not a super huge fan of that.

(Okay, I shouldn’t say any and ALL interactions are appreciated, since I have my fun little runs of anon hate in my inbox, but I mean, all of the above is why they’re not really a big deal to me and never have been. Its like, dude, my own body has been trying to take me out for the past three years, and you think a few insults from an anonymous stranger are gonna do the trick? LOLOL, please. Tbh, the only real negative effect anon hate has on me is that it makes me a bit more snappish and quick to assume the worst than I’d like, when people @ me in a way that I misread as aggressive or in bad faith. I’m aware that my day-to-day temperment is a lot more irritable and open to fights than I usually like to be, as self-control is kinda a big deal to me, and my situation and stress and other shit kinda keep me constantly operating at a level best described as itchy, and none of that is an excuse for any times I read an interaction wrong and go for the throat. I just mean like.....I’m a very blunt and straight-forward person, and I do appreciate when people take a similar approach to me as it really helps keep those misreads to a minimum. Any time someone wants to engage with me in some way, I promise I am SO much easier to talk to if you just....put it out there, whatever it is. Its the games people play online (and in real life) that just frustrate the hell out of me and...yeah. Again, I’m not saying any of that as an excuse or a request for a free pass any time I fuck up an interaction or cross a line, I’m just saying, if anyone’s held back on interacting with me because they think I might snap at them or mistake it for them trying to start a fight, like......just be direct with me. Honestly, thats just....always gonna be more productive when it comes to me.)

But yeah. So that’s the current state of me and all that jazz. Again, I so appreciate everything everyone’s done to support me, not just these past couple days but over the course of these past three years as well. I notice and remember all of it, and its why even though I rant and complain and am critical about so much in society and fandoms and all that.....I really truly am a believer in the idea that there’s more good in people and the world than bad, and the bad just tends to be louder is all. It was especially loud for me the last couple days, the volume got way jacked up, but the goodwill from you guys has been more than enough to drown it out and give me some reprieve.

Alright, shutting up now. All done. The end.

[unfortunately-lovestruck]

Havenfall finest in Roaring 20's? Pleeeease?

YES. ABSOLUTELY.

I’ve actually headcanoned this before in my head but I’d completely forgotten about it lmao. But without further ado, here’s HIFL in the Roaring 20’s.

Mackenzie

poor lady, her job is never done

bootlegging is a huge ass problem, and no matter how many sellers/smugglers she catches, it feels as though 3 more pop up after them like a hydra

she isn’t the happiest with Prohibition (after all she does enjoy a healthy bit of alcohol from time to time) but she respects and enforces the law nonetheless

on the bright side though, she’s beaming when she goes into a voting booth for the first time and actually feels like her voice is heard after women finally get suffrage in the US

she’s still waiting for LGBTQ+ people to be protected under the law though, so she isn’t exactly thrilled about that

though comic books don’t really reach their peak until the 40’s-50’s, Mac is proud to say she adored them way before they became huge

loves jazz music, because who can’t? it’s so much fun to listen to (and I swear if any of you make bee movie jokes in the comments I’ll manifest in your houses and kill you myself)

Diego

still a doctor of course

a looooot of alcohol poisoning in his patients

doesn’t like that people don’t respect the law but he ain’t snitching

he can’t snitch anyway, since patient files are private, hippocratic oath and whatnot

honestly, sometimes he felt like the entire decade just wasn’t real

the entire world was scarred from WW1 and the excess opulence and alcohol was more like a universal coping mechanism than anything

but then again, he can’t say he was perfect

since Razi had a bar in a speakeasy (more on that later) Diego still supported him, and even visited sometimes just for the music and atmosphere

but even then, he kept to himself and only really talked to Razi and JD

at least then he didn’t have to worry about people commenting on his red eyes, since they were all too drunk to look too long

Razi

yes, he ran an illegal speakeasy

but was it to be a menace to society or to blatantly disrespect the law? no

he knew Prohibition would only be temporary

in fact, he made multiple bets with other people for how long it would last

he probably won and JD still owes him like $5 (prices were lower back then so they let the money depreciate)

the point is, he knew America wouldn’t commit to this ban for long

he also disagreed with the notion that everyone had to be permanently policed and babied like rowdy teenagers

so he ran a speakeasy, but it was probably one of the safest ones in the country

if anyone got too rough or violent, it was getting shut down, and it was getting shut down quick

trust me, not a lot of people will question a disapproving 6’2 man much

yet despite all this, he was still friends with Mac

he didn’t tell her until after Prohibition though

she knew, she wasn’t dumb

JD

no one did the Charleston like they did, and that is a fact

let’s be honest, they loved speakeasies because it was basically just “hey the law? yeah fuck that” time

after 140 years of society being so morally uptight and strict, the 20’s were the biggest relief they had ever experienced

they could finally wear and say what they want and dance the night away and no one (they cared about) would call them an embarassment or disgrace

they felt light and free, and even with all the underlying problems and unsustainable economy, they just didn’t want it to end

but oh man, they never found sheer anarchy and fun like that until the 70’s punk movement 50 years later, and they still miss it

Vanessa

sadly, she doesn’t get much fun out of life no matter what decade you put her in

vampires are an eternal problem (to her and the Order at least) so there is no lax point in time

also, being a lesbian in the 1920’s was not a good time

but she does get some fun out of TV

it didn’t become popular until the 30’s, but since the Order is funding her and giving her high tech things, a TV isn’t unreasonable for her to have back in the 20’s

she really doesn’t like speakeasies and drinking though

the 20’s were basically a golden era for vampires since so many people just didn’t remember getting bitten the morning after from all the liquor

so if anything, when she found a speakeasy, it was basically a gold mine of vampires

she’d walk in and at least a good fifth of the people were undead

almost went after Diego, but Razi stopped her

since he didn’t drink from live humans and he was a doctor, she lets it slide

basically both Mac and Vanessa just had their hands full the entire decade

Antonio

oh boy

oh boy

y’all know Jay Gatsby, right?

basically think of him, but on crack

not literal crack, but just Gatsby 2.0

bootlegging and owning speakeasies made him disgustingly rich

the 20’s were his prime decade, and nothing came close to it

it had opulence equivalent to 1700’s France without the social etiquette and customs, and also hedonism that he (like JD) never got to experience so openly before

I mean tuxedos, cars, radio, the general aesthetic?? the man was living

imagine growing up in medieval times where sneezing wrong could get you in trouble with the church and finally getting to feel free after 420 years (and yes that number is mathematically correct this literally couldn’t get better)

of course it wasn’t perfect, since he has canonically mentioned being with other men just wasn’t accepted

but if anything, the mentality of “fuck it, we’re living” just assured him that someday, he would be able to be open about his sexuality, and so would everyone else

Bonus! MC

her circumstances are the same

she and Grace are orphaned, and she gives up her dreams so her sister can have a better life

but every weekend, she needs an outlet to relax and let loose

so of course, she finds the speakeasy Razi runs and begs to work there since she needs money for Grace

he lets her work there out of pure understanding and kindness (bless him) just like he did with JD

they actually both do work most of the week

but when Friday hits? shit gets wild

MC would always actually serve people drinks and work the first half of the night, but eventually, Razi would always take over and tell her and JD to go have fun

he knows neither of them are living under the best circumstances, and besides, he doesn’t have anything more urgent to do

so, MC and JD are always competing over who can do the Charleston the best (just like with arcade games in modern times)

JD always wins, but MC is seriously a close second

they dance the night away, and drag Diego into it occasionally (with Razi’s subtle support)

he’s definitely not bad at dancing at all, and occasionally, they can get him to actually smile and even laugh a little bit

as for Mac, MC knows her because she always patrols her neighborhood

though she feels a bit guilty when she talks to her with all the speakeasy business and all, she’s thankful Mac keeps the neighborhood safe for her and especially Grace

she meets Vanessa the night she tries to kill Diego

she, Razi, and JD all form a barricade around the doctor, and don’t let her even come close to him

they convince her to leave him alone, though Razi does most of the talking, and Vanessa eventually does concede

but damn, MC can’t help but think she was hella cute

I mean she feels that way about everyone in Havenfall’s Finest, so nothing’s new there

but one night a guy with slicked back brown hair and red eyes like Diego walks in and oh wow look at that Diego’s shadow warped off into the void that’s weird

he keeps glancing at her throughout the night, you know, in that weird “you have the blood to resurrect my dead sibling but damn you’re hot” kind of way

Razi is offput by him, because he feels like he’s that guy Diego told him about who abandonned him 4 centuries ago

but he has no proof, so Antonio continues to do what he likes in the speakeasy (really he was checking to see what other speakeasies had so he could implement them in his own to make more money)

so in the end, MC’s got 6 possible LI’s around her nonetheless :’)

#lovestruck #havenfall is for lovers #hifl #mackenzie hunt #diego escalona #razi nassar #jordan davies #hifl jd #vanessa helsing #antonio vasquez

[callsign-bunnie]

Dependencies pt 1

Fandom: Thomas Sanders Pairing: Analogical (Anxiety x Logic) Warnings: dark themes. You guys know me by now. Virgil’s anxious thoughts are stated. Allusions to sex. (Lust mention.) Food mention. Notes before going in: those who have been following me know by now that I am uh... not all sunshine and rainbows when it comes to my writing. My stuff can get pretty heavy and often pretty dark. However, any trigger warnings will be tagged. And if you ask me, I will tag specific non-general triggers in any future chapters or works. If you simply don’t want to see a fic in general, I would suggest blacklisting the name, which will be in the tags. Thank you. Summary: Logan is very neat and controlled. Virgil is the opposite. Logan, 30, is the leader of a well known underground crime network, though he specifically has managed to remain anonymous, very few knowing his identity. Virgil, 23, on the other hand, is an artist who hates talking to people and has chronic anxiety. Virgil and Logan are thrown in each other's paths when Virgil gets Logan as his professor in the math class Logan uses as a cover identity. (And guilty pleasure but he’ll never admit that.) Already, Logan is... intrigued.

Sometimes, our darkest secrets aren't the ones we hide the most. For Logan, possibly his lightest secret was the one he hid the most. To quickly raise in the ranks, he had to give an appearance of being cold. Unfeeling. Sociopathic. And while yes, he could be considered a sociopath, he could feel some things. Anger. Love. Lust. Happiness. As much as Logan tried to hide this secret, the feelings were drugs for him, just as addicting as Heroin or Cocaine. And anything that sparked these feelings was considered precious to him. He needed it.

However, Logan was incredibly intelligent. This was perhaps how he managed to keep himself from gaining a... dependence. And perhaps how he rose so fast in the ranks. He'd learned by now to never do his own dirty work and to stay detached from it, as well. Lest whoever does it is stupid enough to be caught. Many of his higher-ups had not learned this and of course paid the price for it, once the police caught on. Another lesson he'd learned from observing his higher-ups was to never leave a paper trail. Of course, keep track, but always have a fail-safe. Logan had taken to keeping his documents in a barrel that one could simply throw a match in and light it up. He'd also learned not to trust the internet unless using some kind of code. Unfortunately, lackeys were not good at recognizing and remembering codes. So, he just left all of his business to over throw away phones and in business. Maybe requests and commissions could be taken over the internet, but through nothing that could be traceable and he was always sure to keep his interactions vague, going through a lackey who typed differently so even that couldn't be tracked. And possibly the most important thing he'd learned; have an excellent cover. His being a math professor. He was seen as dorky by his students. No one would ever even suspect him of being who he was.

Of course, maintaining of these self-imposed rules required immense discipline. Possibly even an obsession with order and control. Fortunately, Logan had both of those qualities.

Virgil was the opposite. While Virgil was clever, he wasn't very academic. And his darkest secrets were the ones he kept deepest inside himself. Virgil also had a problem with feeling too much. All of his life, he'd been considered too emotional. Too... anything, really. He'd been told this many times. He figured by this point that if he was too much for people, he might as well not bother them. Other people never usually had anything interesting to contribute, anyway. He was also incredibly out of order.

His room was usually a disaster. And he managed to trip over everything. You'd think this would lead him to keep the floor clean, however, he just didn't care enough to bother. He also didn't care to bother cooking, so he'd become accustomed to eating ramen and anything microwaveable. And take out, when he could afford it. He didn't have a job, however, he received money from his parents and an allowance from what was left of his college fund and then later some weird source? On to that, later.

His parents weren't wealthy, however, and his college fund's remains were not grand. So, he sometimes had to go without a meal or two. Whatever, though. It wasn't a big deal to him. He barely thought about it.

Virgil had taken up art to keep from thinking about certain things. It was much easier to ignore issues if he was focusing on lines and color schemes, instead. Art was also a way to release pent up frustration, sadness, even happiness. You'd think happiness couldn't be pent up but when you talk to literally no one, well... it happens. So, he'd found an outlet. A relief. And just as emotions were intoxicating to Logan, art was just as intoxicating to Virgil. Granted, he wasn't making art most of the time, but he was usually thinking about it. Plotting out pieces he wanted to make, deciding where to fit yet another piece on his wall, what color fit what he was feeling, etc. Honestly, the thoughts alone seemed to help at this point, allowing him an outlet where there wasn't usually one

.Virgil stumbled into Logan's sight when he went to his first math class. Stumbled being literal, as Virgil almost tripped and hit his head on the fire extinguisher by the door. Luckily, he was early, always terrified of being late to a class due to having to walk in and everyone watch him walk to his seat. The idea filled him with dread. He hated it. So he made sure to be early to each class. Being early also had the perk of getting to choose his seat. Which he quite enjoyed. He almost always chose a seat in the back, however, math was a difficult subject for him, so he begrudgingly sat in the almost front. Okay, really, he usually sat in the middle of the class. People in the back were usually considered to be angsty, in the front to be go-getters. And nobody thought about those in the middle. It was the perfect place. But in college, with large class sizes, sitting in the middle often meant being unable to focus for Virgil. And since he already struggled with math, he usually decided it would be best for him to sit closer to the front.

He was already dreading this class, however. As he knew he would likely be close to failing it if he didn't ask for help. He'd struggled enough the year before. This year would likely be the same, if not worse. So he was already gearing himself up to have to talk, blegh, to his teacher in order to ask for tutoring options. Much fun was in store for him this year, because then he'd have to talk to whoever was tutoring him. Yay. Oh well, he was taking two art classes this year, so at least he had that. He was already finding himself daydreaming about them. They were independent art classes, which basically meant he got to create whatever he dreamed about creating.

So at least the year wouldn't be so bad, right? And he was... mostly fine in all of his other classes. So no tutoring there. Just math would be difficult.

As expected, he spent most of the class way behind and struggling to comprehend what the professor was saying. The professor was semi-friendly. Was mostly that dry professor who was kind but you could tell they wouldn't take your shit. Virgil tended to like those professors, as they usually left him alone, unable to remember every student. Unfortunately, once Virgil would make his presence known to this professor, he was sure they would remember him and he'd be stuck dealing with them until the end of the year. Yay, again. At least this professor wasn't a fast talker. That would be a struggle if they were. Well, more of a struggle, anyway. He was able to catch some detail, so it definitely helped. He'd taken to writing, in messy inconsistent shorthand, what the professor was saying to try to organize later. He never really got around to later, but hey, he was trying, at least, right?

His anxiety got worse and worse throughout the class, and needless to say, this was not helping his focus. He was dreading having to ask for help. So it was making his anxiety flip out. However, he managed to swallow it, tapping out his racing heartbeat on his stomach in his pocket as he went up to the professor's desk at the end of class. "Professor? Can I talk to you?"

"Of course, Mr..."

"Storm. I'm Virgil Storm. I um... Well, I have a tendency to struggle in Math and I was hoping you could have any tutoring recommendations?" Virgil asked, almost too quiet, but luckily he was heard.

The professor nodded and seemed to glance Virgil up and down. "I do offer tutoring hours of my own. I typically teach until five and I offer to tutor between 5 and 9. However, I will only allow up to an hour, since I'm assuming tutoring will have to be a regular thing?"

Virgil turned red and nodded in answer to the question. "Yes, unfortunately." He was managing to slow his tapping, though. Which was good.

His professor laughed, suddenly, and then stated,  "goodness, you don't have to keep standing. Sit and we'll discuss a time to meet up."

Virgil turned red again and pulled up a chair, sitting in it and slouching slightly. "Since this is my last class of the day, I think tutoring at five would be helpful... So I could just hang around here, you know?" And his tapping sped back up, worried the professor would think that was a dumb idea.

"That would work out. I suppose it might help you to remember, as well." He nodded.

Virgil relaxed and nodded again. "That too. I'm sorry, I forgot your name..."

"Oh, of course. It's Logan Fairling. It's fine if you just call me Dr. Fair, however." Dr. Fairling answered, nodding

.Virgil nodded a bit and relaxed more. He knew he tended to overthink, but it really was a relief when he was wrong. "Thank you, Dr. Fairling. When do you think it would be best to start?"

"Hmm..." Dr. Fairling stopped and seemed to think for a moment. "Perhaps today. Since we already started with a lesson, I believe it might be good for us to start sooner rather than later."

Virgil was a bit surprised but he decided Dr. Fairling was right. It would be good to start earlier. However, he was already nervous about it. What if Dr. Fairling decided Virgil was too dumb to be helped? That he was helpless? It got too much to keep tapping out his heartbeat, so he switched to fidgeting with the sleeves instead, making sure to hide it under the table. "Alright. That sounds like a good plan. I'll come back here in an hour."

"Perfect." The professor nodded and then allowed Virgil to leave.

As Virgil left, he rubbed his throat, finding it a bit sore after talking so much when he usually didn't.

As Virgil left, Logan leaned back in his seat, tapping his pen against his chin. "Hmm..." He felt something unfamiliar but not unknown start to bloom. However, he just couldn't identify it. However, he did know that Virgil was already quite... intriguing.

-----

I will tag people if they want me to. I don’t really care how you ask, I’m not particular.

#tw food #tw food mention #tw dark themes #tw anxious thoughts #analogical #sander sides #thomas sanders #logan sanders #ts logan #mafia boss logan #math professor logan #virgil sanders #ts virgil #artist virgil #selectively mute virgil #anxiety x logic #virgil x logan #logan x virgil #i am already so pumped! #so have this!

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 5: Night of the Living Dread

View on Google Docs

Summary: July 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben learn of some breaking news regarding the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, but not everyone is as pleased as the broadcast duo.

[Podcast intro music]

Announcer Dear listeners, please note that the following program may contain views that do not reflect that of King Falls AM, its management, or its subsidiaries. Listener discretion is advised.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. I’m your host, Sammy Stevens, and as always we are joined by producer and co-host extraordinaire, Ben Arnold.

Ben [trying not to be amused] You’re so- you’re so happy, aren’t you? You’re a child. Getting so giddy over that message.

Sammy Listening to a warning before a radio broadcast I’m on has literally been on the bucket list for a long time. Thanks Merv!

Ben *laughter* Ridiculous. A glutton for punishment.

Sammy What can I say? I enjoy a nice game of hard ball! Uh, y’know, but enough about what Merv doesn’t want you to hear, let’s talk about what he does want you to hear. And what do we have cooking tonight, Ben?

Ben Dude, it’s stacked alright? Stacked. We’ve got the- lovely Miss Emily Potter from the King Falls Library giving us her picks for enlightened summer reading.

Sammy Terrific! We always love speaking with Emily!

Ben You and me both.

Sammy I said “we,” Ben.

Ben Uh, I know. I- *breathes in* [stilted] I- We-We-uh, We’ve got some really cool news! here. We-we are announcing the line-up for the first annual King Falls Ambient Music Festival. That’s coming up the second hour.

Sammy Wait a second. The King Falls Ambient Music Festival? Is this town even big enough for a festival?

Ben Oh yeah! It’s like Coachella[1] but for hipsters that just want to relax. It’s all about “setting the mood.”

Sammy You know, I’m wondering if they’re gonna make it to a second annual.

Ben And then, um, [reluctant and slipping into mumbling] opening up the show we-we’ve got the- doctor *mumbling*

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Ben, what was that? You’re trailing off, buddy.

Ben We have that umm, *sniffs, lets out breath* one… guy. You know that- fo- w- talking about that *deep breath* one thing—

Sammy [trying to cut him off] Ben—

Ben —from a month ago or so—?

Sammy What? What are you talking about?

Ben You know— May- maybe we should start it with Uh, callers first! [mildly frantic] Just-uh-Give us a call at 424-279-3858 and let’s talk about… *tsk* anything! Let’s uh, whats your-whats your-whats-whats on your mind King Falls?

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, put down your phones for a second. What Ben is trying to say is we’ve got a scoop here this evening on King Falls AM. We’re gonna be speaking with—

Ben [cutting Sammy off]Or you can tweet us! @kingfallsam. I-I-I will literally talk about anything right now. Even to Mr. Derschwitz about that weird toenail thing. Let-lets-lets go, people!

Sammy I thought we agreed—

Ben I know. Sammy, I’m sorry it’s just, [slightly more frantic] I’m-I’m not feelin’ the best here. Alright? my stomach, is all… knotted up, just thinking about this.

Sammy That is journalism. That feeling is journalism—

Ben [speaking over Sammy] I think it might actually be an ulcer! It Tastes, like Fear and Feels, like Cancer . It’s way more than anxiety. I-I’m gonna call Dr. Raúl, at break.

Sammy He’s a chiropractor!

Ben Maybe he can refer me?

Sammy Power through it, buddy! Look at this folks, we got somebody dialing into the hotline right now! You ready for this Ben? Come on.

Ben Please, be Reverend Hawthorne so we can talk about the Revival next month.

Sammy Oh stop it. You know he isn’t even scheduled!

Ben I just thought— maybe that’s how prayers work, I don’t know, I’m not a reverend!

Sammy King Falls AM, you’re on the air.

Dr. Rosenblum [Dr. Rosenblum’s voice is measured and monotonous and mildly creepy at all times] Good evening, this is Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum, with the, King Falls County Coroner’s Office.

Ben C-can I please just say—

Sammy Dr. Rosenblum, it is a pleasure to speak with you this evening.

Rosenblum Excited to be here, Sammy. Ecstatic even. We listen on slow nights.

Ben That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever heard.

Sammy Much appreciated, Doc. Now, as fate would have it, you were the overseeing physician working on the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, is that correct?

Ben Doc? Can you just, hold on for- one- moment- please?

Rosenblum Of course, Ben I—

Sammy Don’t start, Ben! We agreed to see this through.

Ben All I’m saying i- lemme finish- a- i-is that maybe it’s not our place *deep breath* to break this kind of news.

Sammy Fine. You know what? You’re right! Let’s just give this to our friends down at Channel 13 and let them be the ones to alert the public about this.

Ben [journalist voice] Doc, Ben Arnold. Tell us about cracking open the mystery body.

Sammy [quietly] Oh.

Rosenblum It’s true that I was the operating physician on that particular John Doe, y-es, irrefutablyy

Sammy Now, as I understand, your official report was released yesterday morning, doctor, but amazingly enough, not one publication or news station in our town- including King Falls AM- reported on it.

Rosenblum You are correct. Busy news day- one would assume.

Ben So, that means, you are— free to talk about it on air.

Rosenblum I would be elated

Sammy First and foremost on everyone’s minds: were there any signs of, uh, y’know, the lake mo- *sighs* I can’t.

Ben Did Kingsie make the body, bite the big one?

Rosenblum There was no evidence that a creature large or small had anything to do with the deceased.

Ben *sigh of relief* That- I knew Kingsie didn’t have it in her.

Sammy Now, Dr. Rosenblum, can you tell us if there was any foul play involved at all?

Rosenblum During our first autopsy we were not able to distinguish with certainty the cause of death. But there were no signs of foul play

Sammy I’m sorry, did you say “first” autopsy?

Ben [confused] Is that normal? Did you- find out the cause of death during the… second autopsy?

Rosenblum Indeed. It was six individual gunshot wounds to the victim’s head. Three shots to the temporal lobe, two to the mendulla oblongata—

Sammy What?! Six gunshot wounds?!

Rosenblum To the cranium, yes. One to the frontal lobe, another to—

Ben So the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe was, murdered?

Sammy I can’t believe this! This is big! Why didn’t one news outlet report this thing yesterday?!

Rosenblum Well, the cause of death was inconclusive and with no signs of foul play, it was not exactly a juicy story.

Ben and Sammy Wait a second.

Rosenblum …yes?

Sammy I’m sorry, doc. I’m not in the medical orrr criminal fields but, how is six gunshots not foul play?

Rosenblum Well, that was between the first autopsy and the second. The gunshots were self-defense administered via Deputy Kreighauser at my behest.

Sammy Ben, we’re gonna wanna get Troy on the phone and see what he’s got to say about this.

Ben “Things Ben Arnold would never think under ordinary circumstances for 800, Alex.”[2]

Sammy Doc, while we’re getting Deputy Troy on the line, would you mind if we took a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors?

Rosenblum That’s just- Dandy.

[light bg music]

Greg Frickard After a long day’s work or a tough day’s play, you probably just wanna come home and relax. No need to slave over a hot stove for hours on end. Well that’s where we come in! Here at Granny Frickard’s, we know that the less time you spend doing the things you don’t like, is the more time you spend with the ones you love. So come get some of the best frog legs that money can buy. Granny Frickard’s French-fried farm-fresh never-frozen filleted-and-fricasseed fried-and-flambeed frog legs. Mm-mm-mm. So get on down to Granny Frickard’s Froggery at the corner of Main Street and 7th Avenue. We’ll put some pep in your step and some hop in your heart.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy And we’re back on King Falls AM, here with King Falls County Coroner, Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum.

Rosenblum A Pleasure.

Sammy Do you have Troy, Ben?

Ben He’s booking one of the Williams boys for mooning. He’ll call us in a few.

Sammy I’m a little out of sorts here, doc. Can you explain what happened between the first inconclusive autopsy and the point where Troy filled the cadaver full of lead.

Rosenblum Of course. As I was finishing the initial post-mortem, it came to my attention that the deceased began to emit a hissing sound, fluctuating between the lower thorax and the larynx.

Ben Oh my God.

Rosenblum I called for Deputy Kreighauser and he entered, as I wanted someone else to see this- phenomenon. That’s when the John Doe began a slight, thrashing about the upper torso.

Ben Um… are you saying—

Rosenblum The deputy began to fumble for his sidearm while we both discerned that something was wildly- amiss. The deceased opened its eyes and instantly grabbed for the lapel of my lab coat with voracious tenacity.

Ben Wh- ah- go on.

Rosenblum It gnashed its teeth as I emitted a terrified, albeit, high pitched, scream. And that’s when Troy unholstered his sidearm and administered six lethal shots to the reanimated corpse’s cranium.

Ben A zombie.

Sammy Alright, is there- [fumbling] Let’s just say- is there-

Ben We’ve got Troy on the line.

Deputy Troy [in bg] I don’t care if he was only joshin’. You can’t show your G-D derriere out in public! [car door slams] [pleasantly] Hey boys, what’s goin’ on tonight?

Sammy You tell us, Troy, holy geez! Uh, we’ve got Dr. Rosenblum on the line here and—

Deputy Troy Is this about the zombie?

Ben Yes! So-so you’re confirming this story, Troy?

Deputy Troy Well, hell yeah I’m confirming! I had to do three hours of damn paper work from unloadin’ my pistola into a corpse! Sheriff Gunderson was not the happiest of campers.

Ben [excited and awed] This is amazing… This is unprecedented .

Sammy [skeptical] This is a little unbelievable, Troy.

Rosenblum It is a first in my profession. Believe you me. [still tonelessly] Wowzers.

Deputy Troy Honest engine[3] boys. I capped the all get out of that thing! It had the doc by the face ‘bout to start chewing!

Rosenblum You’re my hero, Deputy Troy.

Deputy Troy Shucks, wasn’t nothin’ special.

Ben [slightly sullen] Except killing the first instance of a zombie in King Falls since—

Sammy Don’t say “since”.

Ben … Well… Since that one time at the mall in the '80s.

Sammy No, that’s not a real thing, Ben. That’s a film.

Ben [worked up] Sammy? How many extraordinary things are gonna have to SLAP you right in the face to make you buy into this? KING FALLS, MAN.

Deputy Troy You know me, Sammy. I always shoot ya straight. But it was the craziest sh[bleep]t I’ve ever seen. I mean it was like my-ex-wife-needs-alimony-money crazy.

Ben See? Even Barney Fife[4] saw it.

Sammy *sighs* I just—

Rosenblum I don’t want to cause an uproar here, but since that exam, there have been, other cases.

Ben Of frickin’ zombies?

Rosenblum Of reanimation among corpses… yes.

Deputy Troy Doc, you just give me a call if you need. I’m more than happy to go Clint Eastwood if the situation arises.

Rosenblum Will do, Deputy. Thank you so much for your- assistance. Without you, there may not have been this- interview.

Deputy Troy [proud] To protect and serve.

Sammy I can’t take all this in right now, Dr. Rosenblum I- e- Thank you so much for your insightful information.

Rosenblum As they say, [still monotone] “you got it, duude.”

[click, dial tone]

Ben You okay, Sammy? You… don’t look so well.

Deputy Troy Ah, hell, boys.[siren whoop] I gotta go. I’ll call you back later tonight! One of the Williams boys is tryin’ ta saw through the bars outside the jailhouse? [sirens in bg] [through megaphone] Jacob Williams put your hands UP and the file DOWN.

[click, dial tone]

Ben Alright King Falls, you’ve heard our story, let’s hear yours. Have you or anyone you know experienced anything like what the doctor spoke of? Reanimation? The walking—

Sammy Don’t.

Ben You know what I mean. Give us a call or tweet us.

Sammy Looks like the board is lighting up!

Ben Um…

Sammy What’s up? Okay, it can’t be any crazier than what we just heard, Ben.

Ben Line One, Sammy.

Sammy Welcome to King Falls AM, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Line 1 [female, almost sounds automated] Good evening, Sammy—

Sammy Do I know you ma'am?

Riley — please hold for Mayor Grisham.

Ben He… Probably just wants us to— mark these tapes as, evidence. *nervous laugh* Right, Sammy?

Sammy Or burn them.

Riley Sammy Stevens, Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor?

Mayor Grisham Sammy… Ben.

Sammy You’re on live on King Falls AM, sir.

Mayor Grisham [commanding] Take me off and go to break. We need to chat.

Sammy No can do. Ben says we aren’t scheduled for break for another- uh- at least ten minutes.

Mayor Grisham Ben. Cut. To. Commercial.

Ben Uh- uh- uh- the thing is- I- I- I can’t- do that. Sir.

Mayor Grisham [threateningly pleasant] You boys want to talk live on air? We can talk live on air.

Sammy [challenging] Nothin’ to hide on this end of the phone, Mayor Grisham.

Mayor Grisham I hear your snide remarks, Sammy. I’ve read the transcripts.

Sammy Which! let’s be honest, is pretty weird. We’re a late night AM talk show, why are you bothering with us?

Mayor Grisham Oh, I don’t bother with you. I try to keep up to date with all the local news and entertainment. I gotta say, I was really happy a big city radio guy decided to come play host at our little radio station.

Sammy Well, I’m more than happy to—

Mayor Grisham I wasn’t finished… But I have to say, I’m a little less than thrilled with [accusingly] all the excitement you brought with you.

Sammy I’d hardly call reporting the news “excitement”, sir—

Mayor Grisham It’s interesting to me that I don’t see Channel 13 breaking these crazy stories.

Ben [quickly] No offense, your honor, but those idiots don’t know their a[bleep]holes from their elbows.

Mayor Grisham And you boys being on site when these “events” happen? [softly, still accusing] It’s a little bit of a coincidence don’t you think?

Sammy Are you insinuating that we are staging these events, Mayor?

Mayor Grisham I’m stating facts. I’m sure your ratings are way, way up there since all these sensational events seem to coincide with your broadcast. Why do you think that is? Furthermore, I mean who’s up listening to you at this ungodly hour of the night?!

Sammy Seemingly most of the town, Sir. As well as whomever you’ve hired to keep an ear on us.

Mayor Grisham I’ve tried to be nice about this… And I tried to be civil… but I think it’s about time that you troublemakers changed formats. No more of this funny business. It’s not good for the listeners. It’s not good for the residents. And honestly? it’s not good for me. I don’t appreciated being painted in this light, gentlemen.

Sammy Oh! You mean the light where you as a public service,[sic] try to quell the voice of the people.

Ben It’s not your right to tell us what we can and can’t report on, sir. All due respect.

Mayor Grisham [rudely] All due respect, Ben Arnold. Just a couple of months ago you were digging up old records on eBay for Chet Sebastian to run on about. Now you’re a media star?? That’s worrisome! Seems you fellas have All the reasons in the world to fabricate these issues, and I have to say I’m not gonna sit here and listen to this, while you LIE TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF KING FALLS.

Sammy Well, when we start “fabricating” and “making things up,” you can come throw the book at us. But until then- [click, dial tone] Whoops! Looks like you just got disconnected. I’d wait for you to give us a call back and all, but with it not being an election year I probably shouldn’t hold my breath.

Ben Line One iiis lit up again, Sammy.

Sammy [insincerely] Oh, sorry about that Mayor! I must have fabricated accidentally dumping your call when-

Esther Rollens [heavy metal music in bg] [voice old and wavering] Did you boys fund a lavender ball of yarn in there? Been looking for it all week! [click, dial tone]

Ben [shaken] Sammy, I think that commercial might do us some good right now.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Coachella - The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (commonly called Coachella or the Coachella Festival) is an annual music and arts festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, in the Coachella Valley in the Colorado Desert.

[2] Reference to the TV game show Jeopardy!

[3] I honestly can’t tell if he’s saying “honest engine” or “honest injun” but i’mma go with the one that’s technically incorrect but also not super racist.

[4] Barney Fife - Deputy from the Andy Griffith Show. Calling a police officer or authority figure "Barney Fife" has become an American slang term for gross ineptitude or overzealousness.

#king falls am #king falls #kfam #sammy stevens #ben arnold #troy krieghauser #dr. jeffrey rosenblum #mayor grisham #kfam transcripts #kfam ep5

[audreysjensens-blog]

central pines [elodie davis x reader] {part one}

heyyy lovelies! i just watched trinkets (please please pretty pleeeease go watch it it’s beyond good) and am in love w elodie’s character. i hope you guys like this one!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

fic playlist: 

bon iver - hey, ma

dead girl in the pool. - girl in red

banana clip - miguel

let it happen - tame impala (song parts 6:15 to 6:38)

overlap - catfish and the bottlemen

this baby don’t cry - k.flay

alligator - of monsters and men

It had been two and a half months since you’d arrived at Central Pines.

The food was okay, and the air conditioning was subpar. Since you hadn’t been too keen on going there in the first place, and your dad’s incessant emails weren’t going to end until you left, your newfound safe haven wasn’t exactly going to be something you cared too much about.

It was nestled in the outskirts of Portland, surrounding by hulking pine trees and dense forest, hiking trails close to overpowering the tiny rehabilitation camp.

Rehab, right, you reminded yourself. I’m in rehab.

The people were the only reason why you hadn’t left yet. Well, that, and your “family issues”, which is what the counselors had so fondly filed you under in their massive stack of patients.

Everyone seemed to be remotely friendly, and the people that you’d met had honestly made a decent impression on you. You’d leave if you were willing to jeopardize it, but going home wasn’t an option. Leaving meant getting caught, and getting caught meant that you’d have to go home. Plus, police, which was something you weren’t too happy to think about again.

You got up and out of bed, shaking out your messy Y/H/C curls and slipping your feet into your sandals. After your bed had been made (a small progression of what your counselors thought was a “good stride”), you took sleepy steps over to the closet and got changed for the day, finishing off your look with an embroidered jean jacket and a pair of loose slacks. You’d seen Booksmart a few weeks ago, and despite the fact that you loved the characters for who they were, you really goddamn wanted Amy’s jacket.

You looked to the other side of the room, barren with nothing to reveal any inpatients. Probably because you didn’t have a roommate. When you’d first gotten there, a girl named Safi was moving out, so there was no overlap between the two of you. You’d taken over your side, she’d left hers, and while your side was filled with posters of bands, movies, and corkboards with your friends’ photos, the other side contained peeling wallpaper and a sad-looking twin bed.

You checked your phone and saw that it was almost nine, which meant that you had to check in with Counselor Adams (or Tracey, depending on who you’d ask) before you could get any sort of breakfast. It was fine, because you’d rather die than go without your beloved coffee that came from Adams’s office, but you were kind of hungry. Regardless, you started making your way down the long dormitory hallways, seeing your peripheral friends getting ready for the day ahead and leaving their dorm doors open.

Adams’s office wasn’t the sort of place that made you feel like you were in an actual rehab center, but more like a therapist’s office, which you actually had grown to like. There were little photos of her family everywhere, along with comfy chairs, glowing twinkly lights, and tiny ceramic animals adorning the chair that sat opposite your couch.  Well, not your couch, but you didn’t really have anything else in this facility besides your belongings, and damn it if that old, overstuffed linen didn’t feel somewhat like home.

“Ahh, Little Miss Caffeine,” Tracey groaned, flopping down in her Frankenstein’d athletic ball/old couch chair. “My espresso hasn’t hit yet, but we still have a couple minutes. Keurig’s up and running.”

“Thank God,” you sighed in relief, shutting the door behind the two of you and going to tap what you wanted into the machine. “You still have that almond milk creamer?”

“How could I not?” Tracey chuckled, taking another sip from her mug. “I use so much of the Folgers original creamer that I’m on the toilet for days with diarrhea. You suggesting an alternative was quite literally the only thing saving me from a life of bathroom hell.”

You giggled then, letting your hot mug sit for a second before splashing in the Splenda and the creamer. “Oh, so we’re blaming the milk for it now, huh?”

“I refuse to believe it’s the caffeine,” Tracey said strongly, wild hand movements indicating her opinion. “If it is, I might go crazy trying new methods of waking up so early.”

You looked up at the clock, seeing that it was exactly 9 on the dot, and sat down on the couch, ready to start your session.

Tracey leaned forward, pushing a piece of her curly brown hair back behind her ear and adjusting her blazer and her Central Pines t-shirt. “So. Let’s talk. Weekly update?”

“Sure!” you said, swatting your hand over your drink to make sure it wouldn’t destroy your tongue upon the first sip. “So, I’m doing okay. I do a lot of hiking, and I went into town last week on the free day. Which was nice.” “Ugh, free days are the absolute best,” Tracey said, crossing her legs over her chair. “I remember when I used to go on them. I was obsessed with the coffee place at the end of the street that gave you those little donut things. I mean, it’s gone now, but, fuck, they were so amazing! Oh, sorry, keep going.”

You laughed again at her habit of constantly interrupting you, and kept going. “Well, uh, it’s been different here. I mean, I know you guys pretty well, but friends-wise, I don’t really have too many here. I think a lot of people kind of just want to keep themselves going while they’re here. Not like, I want to speak for them or anything. I don’t know what’s going on with the others, and I really hope they’re all doing well, but I don’t really know how to you know, bridge that gap. You know?”

Tracey’s face took on a slightly sad and concerned expression, and she leaned back in her chair, nodding at your statement. “I understand. It’s hard enough trying to make sure you’re okay, while also trying to reach out to others. I’m sure that people will come around. Everyone has their personal demons, and when you’re here, we can’t always fully stop them from amplifying. But there’s always outlets. If anything, come here if you’re feeling lonely. You know that I have an armory of snacks and food and conversation, and I’m sure people not reaching out isn’t anything to do with you. I promise.”

You felt tears sparking up in your eyes then, and you looked up at the positive sticky notes on the ceiling, trying to enunciate them in your head to give the tears time to go away. Tracey gave you a moment before speaking up again, this time in a gentler tone of voice.

“Everything’s going to be fine. In fact, you have a new roommate coming at the end of the day today.”

You snapped your head back down to meet Tracey’s eyes, your fidgeting hands ceasing the incessant folding and unfolding and folding of the cuffs of your jacket. You couldn’t help but feel the rush of hope and excitement a new person brought, but quickly shut down the feeling. It was probably someone who didn’t want to be bothered with you, let alone be as furtive as you were to make friends. Squash the hope, you told yourself, taking a deep breath before speaking.

“Really?” you said, trying to keep your voice level and break-free. “Are you allowed to… Tell me about them?”

“Sure! A little bit, at least,” Tracey said, reaching over and pulling a manila folder from beside her coffee table. She opened the folder, sliding out a packet or so before speaking.

“Okay, so her name’s Elodie. She’s coming here from a few towns over from you, and she’s going to be with us for a little while. Apparently her father and some other family’s helping her to move in. I haven’t met her yet, but John in admissions did, and he seemed to get a somewhat okay feeling from her. You know, people leaving their hometown and friends and all that, it’s not easy,” Tracey said, sliding the packet back into the folder and replacing it on the table. “At least, she has people here who get what it’s like.”

You poked your tongue in on the side of your cheek and took a deep breath, flattening out your pants with your palms. She was right.

“If you need someone to show her around other than John, whose niche TV show reference I’m sure she loves hearing, I’ll do it.”

The words left your mouth before you could take them back, and you felt almost like you were going to slap your palm against your head. What the fuck! I don’t wanna do that? Do I? What if she’s cute? Fuck! Stop! She’s probably not interested. It doesn’t matter. Ugh, this whole internal guilt thing blows-

“Really?” Tracey squealed, clasping her hands together in excitement. “I mean, I was hoping I could find someone that could show her around that wouldn’t say ‘Bazinga!’ every three seconds.”

A grin took over your face, and you stood up, turning to put your shoes back on and leave the carpeted room. It was officially 9:30, and the next person to be counseled was going to come in any second. “What time are they getting here?”

“Noon!” Tracey said, scarfing down her drink before her next patient. “Thank you so much again, kiddo. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem, man!” you said, shooting finger guns at her before internally cringing and kicking yourself for the weird ass motion.

You said goodbye to Tracey and headed to the cafeteria, sitting down in one of the worn wooden chairs with a Clif bar in front of you.

Hello, Elodie, you thought to yourself. At least you’ll have a cool roommate.

#trinkets #trinkets netflix #netflix #elodie davis #elodie #elodie trinkets #brianna hildebrand #wlw #gxg #lgbt #pride #tabitha foster #moe truax #elodie davis fic

[daoimean]

Pink in the Night | Chapter III: Winter Solstice: Part II

Chapter II | Ao3 Link

Summary: 

Fellas, is it gay to be madly in love with your gal pal? As war rages and internal demons fester, Glimmer struggles to come to terms with her feelings. 

Pairings: Glimmadora (Glimmer/Adora)

Warnings: Alcohol, discussions of grief 

Word Count: 4,108

When the day arrives, Glimmer wakes up with a pounding headache. She decides that’s excuse enough to stay where she is for a while, blankets drawn over her head, only responding in half-conscious grumbles when someone (she thinks it's Casta) comes in to check on her. It's only once the morning moon is high in the sky and guilt prevails over exhaustion that she manages to drag herself out from her cushiony cocoon so she can get this all over with. 

Breakfast is sitting, stone cold, by the window seat (confirming it was probably Casta who came in earlier). She eats it slowly, her eyes transfixed on the view outside, over what's soon to be her queendom. It hasn't snowed in a few days, and most of the snow that remains on the ground has been trodden to brownish mush, a bleak landscape overcast by a bleak grey sky. 

  Tonight, she will deliver the Solstice Sermon in place of her mom. Tonight, she will go through her first Solstice without her mom, and her last Solstice as a Princess. 

  She leans her forehead against the window, hoping the cold from outside will somehow seep through the double glazing and provide some semblance of relief from the painful drumming in her head. 

  Her ceremonial robes hang over one of her chairs, the notes for her Sermon laying in a haphazard pile-type thing across her desk. She'll need to rehearse it some more at some point today, until she can at least picture that she's in front of an audience of her future subjects and political allies without her voice quivering. She's not sure how anyone expects her to be ready for any of this when she can barely bring herself to get ready for the day, even though all she does is wash up and throw on her usual clothes (probably best to save the robes for tonight). Her eyes fall on her gift for Adora just as she's on her way out, and she takes a moment to shove it into one of her desk drawers so she doesn't have to look at it again until tomorrow. Out of sight, out of mind. 

  By this point it feels like her head is splitting, so the first place she goes is to the medical office to look for painkillers.  What she doesn't expect to find is Mermista in there already, rifling through the cupboards for the exact same thing. 

  Oh, yeah. The others are still here. 

  "Word of advice, Glimmer," Mermista says instead of a greeting, holding her head with a visible grimace, "do not try to drink Seahawk under the table, it's really not going to happen."

  "Wasn't planning to, but good to know," says Glimmer, flopping back on what's usually the medic's chair (there ideally should be someone in here, but she doesn't care enough to sort that right now), "have you found anything?" 

  Mermista groans. "I was kind of hoping you'd know where they are. Don't you live here?" 

  "Well, yeah, but I've never really needed medicine." Glimmer shrugs. "Immortal mom and all." 

  "Oh." Mermista's shoulders slump. "Yeah. Sorry." As if she has to apologise if Glimmer's mom is so much as mentioned. She finally finds some painkillers, swallowing a couple down with some water before handing them across to Glimmer. "So, what, were you there last night? I literally can't remember, holy ow ." 

  "I wasn't, but I'm kind of starting to wish I was." She shakes her head, the corners of her lips actually twitching up in amusement at the thought of a very drunk Mermista. "I might just be stressed." 

  "About the speech?"

  "The speech. The Horde. General queen stuff." She pauses to take the painkillers. Realises she's too much of a wuss to swallow them whole. Snaps them in half and tries again. "Adora." 

  "You're still hung up on the Adora thing?" Mermista slides the glass of water back to herself once Glimmer puts it down. She occupies herself with idly swirling her finger above the glass, creating a mini vortex in the water. Like she's totally not actually invested in this, obviously . "Have you considered, like, talking to her?" 

  Glimmer sighs. Even if Mermista is marginally less condescending than Shadow Weaver, she really doesn't have the time or energy to deal with advice from people who just don't get it. "What I said, Mermista? About losing her? That's exactly why I can't talk to her." 

  "Urgh, Glimmer ." Mermista groans again, throwing her head back dramatically (which can't have helped her headache). "Look, I know we don't talk much or whatever, and that this is, like, none of my business. But I've seen what you and Adora have, and honestly, I'm pretty sure you two are gonna survive anything at this point." 

  "I'm not scared about her dying , Mermista." Well, now I am.  

  "Yeah, duh . You're scared of losing what you have now. Like if you confess your massive crush and she doesn't feel the same way, things are gonna get weird between you." 

  "Hey, I don't have a—" Ugh, who is she even kidding at this point? "Yeah. I guess." 

  "Or say she does feel the same way, and you take the next step, but things don't work out, and then things get weird." 

  "...Yeah." Probably the less likely of the two.

  " Or maybe the feelings themselves scare you. Things were comfortable and familiar, but now your feelings turning into something new, and different, and weird. You've never actually done this before, have you, Glimmer?" 

  "Um. No." 

  "Okay. So. This…" Mermista gestures vaguely. " Thing that you guys have—?"

  "Friendship?" Glimmer asks, raising a brow.

  "It's more than that. It's like...this connection , you just vibe with each other, like you've known each other your whole lives. I sensed it like, the day I met you two, and you know me, I'm not one for reading energies or auras or whatever. You don't come by something like that easily, Glimmer, and it's not lost easily either. Like, urgh , I wish I had that with Seahawk. Why am I even dating that guy?" 

  Glimmer often wonders the same thing, but it's probably rude to do so aloud, and it's far from the first thing on her mind. How is Mermista , of all people, managing to conceptualize this better than Glimmer herself ever could? "Yeah, I guess you're right," is what she says instead.

  "I know I'm right. But here's the thing: you notice what's happening between you and Adora now?" 

  "What?" 

  "Things. are getting. weird ." 

  "Yeah. They are." 

  "Because you're pushing her away."

  "I'm n— it's not just that," Glimmer interjects defensively, her heart rate rising, "it's...complicated, okay?"   

  "Talk out the other stuff too, then." Mermista flashes her a look. "Or this is only going to get worse." 

  "But what if—" 

  " Urgh , don't even start with that. When have you ever let 'what if' stop you before?" 

  Wow, Mermista almost sounds...passionate. She's even looking at Glimmer, making actual eye contact. If she's trying to convince her, it's definitely working. The bleak cloudcover are lifting, and things suddenly look a little better illuminated in the light. Even her headache isn't as bad now, but maybe that's just the painkillers kicking in. 

  "Anyway, the queen stuff," Mermista continues, bringing her attention back to the water, "I...can't imagine what you're going through right now with like, your mom and stuff. There's no way you could've prepared for any of this, you didn't ask for any of this. Like, I was basically in political training as soon as I was forming coherent thoughts, I thought I wanted to 'cause I didn't have another choice, and then my eighteenth birthday rolled around and I still didn't feel ready. To be honest, I still don't feel like I know what I'm doing a lot of the time. Like, no one knows what’s going on or what’s gonna happen, with like, the Horde and the war and stuff. It... really sucks, Glimmer, no one's gonna pretend it doesn't, but no one expects you to go through this alone either. We've all got your back. Even me. Just, you know, as long as you don't expect too much." 

  "Wow. Um." Glimmer's so touched and dumbfounded that for a moment, that's all she can say. Mermista glances her way expectantly, quirking a brow, and that's when she manages to speak again. "Mermista, can I...hug you?" 

  Mermista rolls her eyes, which is pretty much what Glimmer expects, but it's light-heartedly, accompanied with a smile, an actual smile — and instead of telling her don't push it or something Mermista-esque like that she actually holds out her arms, beckoning Glimmer towards her. "You," she says into Glimmer's shoulder, as she almost throws herself into Mermista's arms before she can change her mind, "are so lucky I'm still a little drunk." 

  She gives her a reassuring little squeeze then pulls back, patting Glimmer's arm. "Now go talk to Adora, you moron." 

  --- 

  There's a particular photo of Glimmer and her mom that Bow would lose it over every time he saw it. The photographer for whatever media outlet it was happened to arrive right in the middle of one of their shouting matches, forcing mother and daughter to put a lid on the issue and play happy families while they were both still seething to the brim. Her mom is successful in this, at least outwardly, managing to resume her flawlessly serene demure— while Glimmer's smile is so cheesy, so strained, so obviously fake that it looks like someone's pulling her cheeks back. 

  This whole day feels like that photo, only now, nobody's laughing. 

  Glimmer has mostly managed to avoid the media in the past couple months, and before then it was always her mom who dealt with them. But this year's Winter Solstice is considered an even bigger affair on account of everything that's happened since the last, and it's not only the media she has to play her part in front of as she finds herself at the forefront of the remaining preparations. Learning but competent, somber but emotionally sound— she can only hope she teeters the line more convincingly than she'd smiled in that damn photo, since her mind seems to be floating around somewhere else entirely. 

  It occurs to her, as she steals some time alone to practice the Sermon, that her mom must have gone through something similar after her dad… Then again, at least she was already an established queen. At least people believed in her. She presumably believed in herself.

  She doesn't get a chance to talk to Adora. The hours go by faster than she can keep track of them, each motion she acts out before her audience chipping away at the surge of confident optimism she gained from the conversation with Mermista. Come nightfall, as she stands before her bedroom mirror, attempting to go through her notes one last time as Casta helps with the finishing touches of her robes (it's definitely regal attire when it takes an extra person to put it on), she feels like each and every defensive layer has been peeled away by scrutinizing eyes, mounting anxiety, what if what if what if. Everything she realises she'd blocked off in order to function through the day has caught up with her and paralysed her right here in the moment, too in the moment, and she's pretty sure she's never felt more lost. 

  She really wishes her mom was here. Telling her what to do.

  "Your hair's getting quite long, dear." Casta's voice draws her attention to her own reflection, where Casta stands behind her, holding out a strand to show its length. Her hair has gotten a little longer, long enough that it's starting to weigh itself down rather than sticking up and out, a loose wavy bob stopping inches above her shoulders. 

  If it was longer, a lot longer, she would almost look like…

  "Shall I tie it back?" Casta asks her, already holding up another strand, trying to figure out what to do with hair that's probably long enough to tie back but not enough to do very much with. 

  "Just leave it like this." She runs her hands through her hair as Casta lets it fall, combing it behind her ears. "I should probably get it cut soon anyway." 

 It's the first time, she's pretty sure, she's worn a dress that reaches the floor. Definitely the first time she's dressed nearly this lavishly. She feels smaller, somehow. More vulnerable.

  She thinks about the Princess Prom. Then she thinks about Adora. 

  She thinks about when everything was so much simpler. 

  Casta places the headpiece over Glimmer's hair, the silver glinting in the light, matching the colour shift of the gossamer fabric of her outer robe, and she wonders if she'll ever get any of that back. 

  "Oh, Glimmer, you look so regal ," Casta remarks delightedly, clasping her hands; her smile falters when she sees Glimmer's expression in the mirror. "Is something the matter, dear?" 

  It's Casta who always looks regal, almost effortlessly so. That elegant confidence just seems to come naturally to her, in her posture, in her demeanor; the authority just radiates from her. 

  Casta is also a person, though. That’s how Glimmer knows her. She's pretty, she's nice, she cooks well. But she rarely left Mystacor before she joined the Alliance, where she lives among people who look up to her, a leader first and foremost. 

  Does it ever get lonely up there?

  "Have you ever been in love, Casta?" 

  Glimmer's question is so out of nowhere it causes her aunt to draw back, her expression falling further as her composure momentarily crumbles; it's hard to tell what emotions Glimmer's elicited— what memories she's dug up, if any. 

  "You don't have to tell me," she adds quickly, suddenly feeling guilty, "sorry." 

  "There was someone," says Casta, now taking Glimmer by surprise, "but it was a very long time ago." 

  "What happened?" Glimmer wills herself to ask. 

  "We made all these plans together. We were going to go to Salineas. I always wanted to see the ocean." Casta turns from the mirror, eyes downcast, but Glimmer can still see it in her profile: that far-off, wistful melancholy that clouds her features the rare times she lets herself reminisce about the past. "But this was around the time Micah left Mystacor to be with your mother, and I was appointed Head Sorceress in his place. My future was no longer about me, much less us. I was so busy trying fill my brother's shoes that we...well, we drifted. She ended up leaving Mystacor herself not long after." 

  Glimmer's heart sinks. She swallows. "Do you miss her?" 

  "I still think about her often, but I know I made the right choice. I had to prioritise." Casta's eyes widen and she suddenly whirls back to the mirror, like she just realised the implications of her story. "—But of course it's not the same for everyone. Just look at…" 

  "My parents?" She picks up her dad's staff where it's leaning against her vanity, holding it before herself as she straightens her posture, squaring her shoulders. Practicing her Queenly Pose. "I mean, I would if I could." 

  --- 

  For some reason, delivering the Sermon without any hiccups, avoiding every disastrous scenario she'd conjured in her mind from tripping on stage to Castle Bright Moon going up in flames, isn't as much of a relief as Glimmer had hoped; the unanimous applause that follows just makes her want to get off stage even faster than her heart is racing.

  Her main responsibility of the night is over now, at least. Now all she really has to do is mingle. 

  This year's turnout is impressive, to say the least. Familiar faces scattered among a sea of people Glimmer doesn't know, although of course they all know her. She ducks behind a pillar, breathing a sigh of relief as she hears Bow's voice calling out to her over the music and bustling chatter. Her eyes follow his voice to the refreshment table, where he waves her over. She avoids any unwelcome conversations on the way there by teleporting next to him; when she ends up behind him, her inner child makes an unexpected reemergence, as she decides to scare the life out of him by grabbing his shoulders and greeting him with a little "boo." 

  "Glim— ACK! Glimmer! " he whips round, feigning anger. But then his face breaks into a beaming smile as he scoops her up in a hug that pulls her right off her feet. "He-ey! You did amazing up there!" 

  Glimmer laughs in surprise— the first time she's laughed in any capacity in a while , she realises— and shakes her head bashfully. "I tried. Do you know where the others are?" 

  "And you succeeded ," Bow affirms. He lets her down, craning his neck as he scans the crowd. He has the advantage of height that Glimmer lacks, but this doesn't seem to give him much more luck. "Uh...around? I kinda lost track— oh, there's where my dads went." He raises his arm to wave, and Lance, the only one who sees, enthusiastically waves back, then nudges George who does the same. When they see Glimmer they both give a thumbs up, Lance mouthing you did great. 

  "It's great you can invite your family to these things now," says Glimmer, giving an awkward grin of thanks before averting her eyes, trying to ignore the pang of envy in her gut.

  "Yeah, I always wanted to see how they'd react to a Bright Moon Solstice— oh, now we're talking!" He perks up as a server comes round with a plate of spring rolls, gladly accepting one. Glimmer manages to restrict herself to two rather than inhaling the entire stack. "You doing okay?"

  "I'm fine, just crazy hungry. Don't tell Casta but I kind of missed dinner." She eats them both in one go, then turns her attention to the refreshment table. "It's sooort of a Bright Moon-Mystacor Solstice thanks to her hand in it. I'm pretty sure those spring rolls are a Mystacorian recipe, and— ooh, they've got mooncakes!" 

  Okay, so maybe things aren't so bad. Though as she ravenously shoves an entire cake into her mouth, a voice behind her almost makes her choke. 

  "Glimmer?" 

  "Oh, hey Adora," says Bow, through his own mouthful of mooncake, before Glimmer can even think about responding, "oh man, you have got to try these." 

  "Hi, Bow." Adora picks up one of the mooncakes, taking a bite, but her eyes are on Glimmer— who is, internally, disintegrating. 

  Adora. 

  Is wearing. 

  A suit . 

  Why, oh moons above, does Adora have to be wearing a suit? 

  Glimmer isn't sure she could formulate any words even if her cheeks weren't stuffed like a hamster. She attempts to smile, and Adora smiles back, but it's thin-lipped, an indiscernible tension tugging at the edges that makes Glimmer's chest tighten. Bow's pupils frantically dart between the two, like he's watching a tennis match.

 "Can I talk to you?" Adora asks her. She glances to Bow, who quickly looks the other way like that's supposed to convince her he's not listening. "Uh, somewhere quieter?" 

  "Wha—" Glimmer manages to force down some of the mooncake. "What? Now?" 

  "Preferably." 

  "Um." She swallows down the rest, then swallows again. "Sure." 

  Adora holds out her hand. Glimmer takes it and allows herself to be led through the throngs of partygoers, her heart pounding so hard she swears Adora must be able to hear it over the music and chatter; the last she sees from Bow as she looks back is a raised eyebrow, and a weirdly knowing smirk she doesn't like the looks of. 

  She swears she used to be able to read Adora really well, but now, watching her back as she keeps her eyes trained ahead, she can’t make out a thing. Is Adora mad at her? She supposes she'd understand if she was, with how avoidant she's been lately, but she doesn't seem mad. There's some other tense energy radiating through to her; her hand feels just as clammy as her own is. 

  Before Glimmer has time to discern what that might be, they emerge from the crowd to a (suspiciously) empty patch of floor. Adora lets go of Glimmer's hand, by which point it's so sweaty she'd probably wipe it on herself if not for the risk of looking rude. 

  It's still loud. She's overwhelmed, and weirdly claustrophobic for some reason, like there's a million eyes on her, closing in on her, suffocating her. Her heart is pounding in her ears, so loud she can barely hear, barely think — 

  "Glimmer?" Adora's voice pulls her back to the surface. "Are you—?" 

  "Yeah, I'm good, I'm good, I'm just... really tired." Glimmer exhales. "Um, is something— is something up?" 

  "No— uh, yeah, kind of? It's not bad, i-it's just, um..." Adora looks away, rubbing her arm. "I uh. I liked your speech." 

  Well, that's obviously not it. "Thanks. I did my best." 

  "I thought that part, about the, uh, the days only getting longer after this— I, ha, to be honest, I didn't actually understand why the longest day of the year was a cause for celebration, I thought you guys just really liked parties, but after hearing it put that way, I...understand more. It was...really nice." 

  “Well, we also really like parties,” says Glimmer, with a wry smile in thanks. She’d agonised over that part when she was writing the Sermon. It felt necessary, but also just kind of dumb and corny. But she knows how Adora is, she tends to ramble nonsense and meander round the subject when she's super nervous. It's cute, most of the time, but right now Glimmer's that in that horrible inbetween of burned out and panicked and she just needs Adora to spit it out already so she can go to bed. "What's going on, Adora?" 

  Adora freezes like a deer in the headlights, her shoulders tensing. Then she exhales, slowly, closing her eyes then opening them again. Glimmer waits with baited breath, the possibilities running through her mind at a million a minute. 

  "Glimmer, I—" 

  Whatever she's about to say is interrupted by a resounding whoop from Mermista (evidently already plastered), which prompts most of the people in her immediate vicinity— who unfortunately happen to include the other Princesses— to turn their attention to where she's pointing, and erupt in cheers and various yells of encouragement. 

  What— oh. Oh no. 

  "Glimmer?" 

  There's a chandelier here, isn't there? 

  "What's going on?" Adora seems to sink down, shrinking under the weight of everyone’s eyes. "Why is everyone staring at us?" 

  What better place to hang some…

  No. They didn’t. Did they? 

  Bracing herself, she looks up. 

  And sighs. 

  "Oh for the love of…"

  "What?" Adora blinks. "What is it?" 

  Glimmer shakes her head briskly, waving her hand. "Don’t worry about it, it's— nothing, just some...dumb tradition." 

  "What tradition?" 

  She points up, and Adora's eyes follow to the chandelier above— or namely, what's hanging off it. "You see that?" 

  "The leaves?" 

  "That's mistletoe." 

  "Right."

  "We're under the mistletoe."

  "Yes."

  "So we're supposed to...I mean, it's not compulsory or anything, but we're supposed to, um…" 

  " Kiss, you scallops!" Mermista hollers, to an enthusiastic flurry of agreement. Moons above, there’s even more people watching them now.

  "Yeah, um…" Glimmer lets her gaze drop to the floor, feeling the heat rise to her ears. "That."

  "That, uh…" Adora forces an awkward laugh. "Wow, that is really dumb." 

  That hurts something deep in Glimmer's chest, but she tries to push it aside. They can't, anyway, she can't— 

  "Like I said, it's not…you don't have to..." 

  Two of Adora's fingers go under Glimmer's chin, tilting her head up; there's nowhere to look— nowhere she can look— but Adora's eyes. 

  And she realises, just because she shouldn't — 

  She can. She has to. She needs to.

  It's hard to tell who makes the first move after that, but Adora's lips are just as she's always imagined them. 

  It's surreal. 

  She can hardly process it. 

  She wants more. 

  She closes her eyes, wanting to stand on her tiptoes, wrap her arms around Adora’s neck, deepen the kiss until reality melts around them. No past, no future, no people or obligations— just her and Adora, together in this moment that they can be together. Everything’s simple, everything's okay, everything’s perfect . 

  But the moment is over before it has time to begin. And when Glimmer brings herself to open her eyes again, Adora is nowhere in sight. 

#glimmer #adora #glimmadora #she ra #spop #she ra fanfic #guess what i still don't know how to tag this #my writing

[cosmosogler]

today i did a lot of laying around. not literally laying, but otherwise being lazy.

i don’t know why i feel so confused... i feel really disoriented in my dreams, and sometimes i am sort of unable to follow what’s going on as it happens. and then i stay confused after i wake up for a little while. and my head hurts, because of course it does.

in the morning i chilled out i guess. guess what i didn’t work on? that’s right, the self esteem worksheet!!! i will try again tomorrow.

at around 11:30 i gave up hiding in my room because my eyes and head were starting to hurt and made myself some pasta for lunch. i ate a few bites and then threw it away. even a pile of parmesan cheese couldn’t encourage my stomach. then i drove out to my therapist’s office and talked about stuff. i think we got somewhere this time. 

it’s hard to explain in non-conversation form. and i’m not sure how to start.

i went through a quick demonstration of my family tree and talked about some stuff regarding the hawaii trip coming up in a few weeks. i realized that i can see her the week we leave though since we’re leaving on thursday and my appointments are on tuesdays. so that was kind of a relief. and i went through my plans in the case that i am unable to continue group therapy, and in the case that my coverage gets re-approved. 

and then we talked about my self esteem worksheet. i talked about some of the stuff i brought up yesterday in my post, but i decided not to talk about my dreams because there just wasn’t enough time. 

... it’s strange. i don’t particularly like anything about myself, but it’s not like i don’t make what i think are the best decisions in the situations i find myself in. so, like, i’m not being an asshole on purpose at the very least. i don’t understand why i hate myself so much. like yeah i was a pretty nasty teenager... as teenagers can be. but these days? i don’t hurt no one on purpose except myself. and also bugs i guess. 

maybe i used to understand why i hate myself, or at least had a solid goal in mind with it, but i forgot. maybe it’s because i’m not eating enough. it’s hard to remember what happened this morning let alone a couple weeks/months/years ago. the plus side of not having enough energy to think is that you don’t think about things too much. the downside is, of course, that you CAN’T think about things too much.

i gotta... look at my worksheet and write some new rules down. i’m too tired right now and my eyes hurt too much. my eyes hurt while i’m typing this too but i gotta think some stuff through and i won’t be able to keep track of my train of thought unless i am writing it down. and i type a lot faster than i write.

we’ll come back to that later. after therapy i had trouble getting home because the construction guys are doing the other half of the roads in my neighborhood. at least i wasn’t the only one who had no idea what was going on. i saw grooves and tire tracks all along the wet pavement on basically every road. some turns were completely blocked off but you couldn’t see that until you were at the turn. i had to get out of the neighborhood to the access road through the entrance. it was pretty lucky that no one was trying to get in. there’s a wall blocking off your view of the access road until you’re halfway onto it.

then i watched three whole episodes of soma which was reallllllllllly obnoxious with my headache. i jumped so hard at one of the scares that i pulled something in my knee. afterward i talked a little bit about philosophy and existence and stuff with asher. like... what would it be like if you met a digital copy of yourself. 

after that i took the dogs outside for a while, and watched mom and dad leave for the movies, and made myself some potatoes in the oven. they turned out really good! i even ate most of the meal. about three quarters. and i put away some of the ornaments that my brother and i had taken down from the kitchen shelves to clean. and i dusted, i forgot about that. i might have to dust the game room a lot more thoroughly, or try to convince mom to JUST THROW AWAY THE BARREL MONKEYS. JUST THROW THEM AWAY!!! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE BARREL IS??? WE JUST HAVE TONS OF INTERLOCKING PLASTIC MONKEYS SCATTERED AROUND THE GAME ROOM AND THEY MAKE IT HARD TO CLEAR THE SHELVES BECAUSE THERE’S RANDOM JUNK THAT MAKES EVERYTHING TAKE FIVE TIMES LONGER TO GET OUT OF THE WAY. not to mention the plastic mountain that we used to play with my sister’s polly pockets on. it was a completely different color when i had finished dusting it. none of us has touched that thing in at LEAST ten years. mom keeps all our old toys like “oh maybe YOUR kids will want it someday!!!” and it’s like “mom this is a broken jagged piece of a lego.” all of the links have syrup on them from when my brother never washed his hands. we’re still clearing cheeto dust out of the gamecube controllers’ buttons... 

there’s so much random crap taking up space on the game bookcase. like “clue jr.” instead of digging through MY room and messing with MY stuff when i’m not home maybe mom could focus on cleaning the public areas of the house???

i’m still really angry that she went through all of my things while i was away. i keep my room devoid of anything incriminating of course anyway but being reminded that she really will just come in here and dig through my box of letters from grandma pearl or whatever was... frustrating. i don’t got “anything” to hide (that’s in my room at least), but that still doesn’t give you permission to just go through it any time you like. you don’t HAVE to know that i’ve used about half of my stationery and have a stash of stamps. you don’t HAVE to know that i kept the paper andrew hussie autographed and it’s in my closet. 

i am so glad that i go to great lengths to hide stuff like the queer superhero comic i bought. by keeping it on me at all times. or just keeping my room such a mess that it’s impossible to find anything. 

i do need to clean my room... i could do that tomorrow. i got eve to successfully use the stepping stool to get on the bed today. so i don’t really need to block off every other access point to the bed any more. and if she starts trying to jump up there again i can just move the bins back. there doesn’t need to be random stuff all over the floor too.

then i watched another episode of soma and here we are. i spent a while clicking through web sites aimlessly... sometimes you just want to look at pictures of gay space rocks ok? i’ve got two episodes of soma left.

self esteem. i guess the best way to approach having a better self esteem is to not overthink it? overthinking isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can lead to a lot of uncertainty... it should be similar to the best approach to being “happy,” or at least, at ease. just... invest your attention in what you’re doing right now. crowd out the misery with a bunch of fun things that you want to be part of. 

that doesn’t cure depression of course, and there’s gonna be times where you’re just gonna be depressed (or not think highly of yourself), but it’s a good habit to get into anyway.

at this point... i think it’s important to figure out where the low self esteem is coming from, and what exactly it is i’ve been telling myself all these years. i need that information in order to change it. it’s gonna feel bad... but maybe it won’t come back unexpectedly any more.

still not really sure where to go from here. doing the writing exercise might help. i will try to get back on top of my pile of garbage tomorrow morning. i’m going to go to bed early tonight to try to give myself enough time to sleep for once. i haven’t been sleeping enough on top of not eating enough and it’s wearing me out really fast. i also need to call the group facility at like 12:30 to figure out what my next step will be. either i can go back that day, or i gotta wait longer. there’s not really any way to know until 12:30, so i will try not to worry about it until at least 12:00. 

another thing i can try tomorrow is, when i finish soma, to load up one of the tv shows i got a few episodes into and then stopped watching. i need to see something new. and i’ve got like a dozen tv shows in my bookmarks that i’ve wanted to get to but never had time/energy. may as well plow ahead now.

i feel like i should wrap up the post soon, but it’s only 11:40, which feels... too early. but i don’t really have anything else coherent to say. just a lot of feelings that i don’t know how to articulate right now.

maybe i should draw some fan art. maybe that would help me feel a little better and less bottled up. i don’t really have a lot of outlets with which to express my enthusiasm. most of the time i just feel like i’m going to explode.

i hope you are doing ok, and that you have a pleasant night. or at least... less unpleasant than usual, if that’s how it’s going right now.

[tumblunni]

I dont understand why wishshipping isnt more popular, like honestly it has the most shippy moments in canon and theres even literally a scene where yugi says "joey i love you" and the anime dub cut it but the manga dub kept it and there was even an interview with the dubber talking about how the line absolutely definately was a thing that really existed in japanese and how important it was to keep it in the translation. Like in context its supposed to be a probably platonic "youre my most important person" thing but the language used is something very close to a romantic confession in japanese even if it wasnt intended to be one. And the early chapters actually had A LOT of moments of like..outright gay jokes about joey and yugi. Again, this is a series that doesnt exactly have ant positive lgbt rep and is terrible and sexist with its straight romance so its VERY unlikely they were canonically meant to be bisexual and canonically having shipping BUT there are a lot of moments that are huge shipping potential AND even literal 'lol look he gay' dialogue. Just like..in a negative 'funny' sense.

And just seriously yugi is so important to jonouchi, the anime cut down their backstory a lot but it was REALLY EMOTIONAL in the manga! Jounouchi used to be a sort of nihilistic bully who just did whatever he wanted because he needed to find some form of fun/outlet for his anger to deal with living in poverty, never seeing his sister, and his dad being an abusive parent. And him and yugi met when jou outright bullied yugi, it was so friggin uncomfortable and sad to be thrown into that as a first chapter when i was so used to him being such a supportive friend. He was just an immature bastard who made fun of the 'weird kid' and said it was because he couldnt stand looking at someone who seemed like..sensitive and honest about his feelings. It was a surprisingly complex motivation for how a not actually very bad dude would become a bully to a dude he like..actually admired and was jealous of, and he was just so wrapped up in his own pain without the words to really articulate why he felt that way. He felt like a 'real man' should be silent aboyt his feelings and never ask for help, and that friendship between men could only ever be non-emotional assholeness where you have to be the biggest jerk and do bullshit together and if you ever show a moment of weakness everyone will leave you. So we have this situation of yugi himself feeling like he's a wimp but to jou he looks like the biggest fuckin badass for being honest about his real self and being able to step outside toxic masculinity even if it means being alone. And it was just so goddamn emotional how the friendship started?? Like jounouchi was just being an immature petty sort of bully but then a more physically abusive bully comes along and attacks yugi, and jou gets attacked by the same guy in the process and theres SUCH A GOOD MOMENT!! Where jou sees yugi and is like "so youre working with this guy? So you sent him to get revenge on us right??" like he's so ready to believe that yugi is really just as bitter and petty as he is BUT also he sounds so outraged and betrayed about it, like he feels he was tricked into believing that good people actually exist. But then yugi runs forward and starts treating his wounds because of course he wasnt actually involved in it. And even more than that, he stands up to this dude who's ten times taller than him and even managed to defeat jounouchi! And he says its because jounouchi is his friend and he "wasnt bullying, he was just teaching me to be a real man". And HOLY SHIT the look on jou's face when he says that! Like he never even considered the sort of awful influence he could be causing on this poor dude's mental health by gaslighting him into thinking 'this is just how men are'. Like he'd got this image all twisted in his head of yugi being some spiteful taunting figure who's always 100% unswayable in his kindness and must only be that way because he doesnt have any real problems or something. And now he's faced with the reality that this dude's kindness is 100% real, so real that he'd risk his own safety to help someone who's been so cruel to him because he saw a spark of goodness in jounouchi's heart that jounouchi himself never saw. And the only thing that could shake that kindness was jounouchi's own words..he had to face how his 'harmless fun' was having consequences and how he came so close to crushing this dude's will and turning him into a bitter bastard just like him and it was BY BEING FRIENDS! the bullying wasnt even the worst part it was the dangling friendship over his head and promising youd care about him if he just jumped through all these hoops to become a hardenened 'real man'. Another hardened 'real man' who was really just a soft genuine man who'd been broken and learned to hide himself.

So yeah jounouchi gets a great redemption early on, and a lot of chapters dedicated to examining it in detail, showing his abusive father and the toxic friends who influenced him into being a toxic friend himself, and how some of them (tristan/honda) were also good people who were redeemable while others (the goddamn terrifying yo-yo gang guy) were straight up criminals that yugi fuckin knife fights to save him from. Theres a scene of jounouchi getting tazed and having glass thrown in his eyes and yugi + yami fuckin defeat a whole damn gang in the most badass way and then yugi embraces jou's unconcious body and he wakes up in his arms and screams his name in relief while hugging him as hard as he can with his partially paralyzed arms like HOLY SHIT TJAT WAS SO INTENSE

And seriously their friendship is already awesome cos jounouchi is a lot more openly affectionate and cuddly than most friendships between dudes in this series. (Hence the gay jokes in the manga...) But having the context of his first manga chapter makes it even sweeter because he used to be such a heavily repressed super macho man who feared even HAVING FRIENDS AT ALL despite desperately wanting them. It just feels like yugi sorta.. saved him?? Helped him recover from that and become more open with his true self. Its so nice to see him gradually becoming more adorable and cuddly as the series progresses, when the absence of that sort of stuff was his biggest problem causing his goddamn depression. And yugi even helps him reunite with his sister and be able to help her get surgery! Is it any wonder that jou is yugi's biggest cheerleader? Seriously when so much of the show seems to sideline yugi and focus on yami later on, its good to have this one dude reminding us that yugi rocks and specifically yugi's 'wimpyness' is actually a good thing nd his strongest strength and seriously!! Just!! Its so good!! Gahh, joey is a big buff scary dude who sees this sweet dude as THE BIGGEST BADASS who SAVED HIS GODDAMN LIFE and HIS MENTOR IN BECOMING SOFT ALSO! Jou has so much fuckin character development that was lost by shortening down this part of the story and only showing it in flashback form a bunch of episodes after the beginning instead of BEING the beginning yknow??

So yeah seriously this entire character arc is so good and this is why jounouchi is the best character and deserved to keep that kind of focus in the series instead of being degraded to more.of a comic relief role. And also this is why thier relationship has such a great foundation and could be even more resonant if it was romantic! Like srsly theres so many parallels here with the idea of a closeted dude that THE MANGA OUTRIGHT MAKES GAY JOKES ABOUT HIM ALREADY

Oh also the manga backstory also adds more nuance to jounouchi and kaiba's relationship because you could see it as jou becoming rivals with kaiba because he sees him as a mirror of the kind of repressed asshole he once used to be. Which is another reason why gay/bi/pan jounouchi just fuckin enhances everything about his entire plot and also the whole series ok yes.

Also i just fuckin love jounouchi please appreciate jounouchi today

[justjennyvi]

I was keeping this for a time, but now, I just feel the need to let this out. I am trying. I am trying my very best to see the good things more than the negatives. Pero ang hirap. Mahirap when you have been through a lot, and you were able to experience the realities of the world, the injustices; and all those took effect to how you are perceiving the world now and you have no other choice but to keep living. But living, for me, is not as easy as it seems for others. It is not just being able to breath, eat and rest, but it is as complicated as solving calculus equation; you do not understand the process, yet you need to solve it anyway. And it is like domino, one bad or good move (decision), could affect those of others, especially those closest to you.

I was scanning through my old posts before I realized that I have only shared a little part of myself in here. This media is my outlet to my thoughts away from judgment of people from FB, IG, and Twitter. I guess everyone just wanna be understood and this is my way for people to know me and hopefully understood me. This platform is an open secret; I posted links on this on my other social media accounts, and only people who want to know me will make an effort of actually knowing me. But after rereading my older posts, I found out I haven’t shared enough. Well, I could start with this one.

I used to be so innocent and optimist from way back. Despite someone’s meanness, I could always see his/her innate goodness. I am perhaps brought up like that. But that innocence was taken advantage by a person whom I thought was a “friend”. Bear with me, I don’t really know how to tell a story and play with words as my vocabulary is limited and my grammar sucks (still blaming that English teacher from HS who never taught us basic English grammar lol). “Friendship” is such a sensitive topic for me for reasons I’ll share later. I was 7 years old, Grade 3, when a group of “sikat” girls at school welcomed me to be part of their group. We were all on the same grade but “E” (who acted as our leader) was around 4 years older than me. It was a great feeling to be a member of something, to feel like you belong, to find “friends”. Who wouldn’t want friends in the first place? Never did I thought that that honest “friendship” would become my entrance to a darker world, to that real slapped of reality. Perhaps every kid is looking forward to playing at each break time. But not me, all those times were tortures to me. Playtimes were times when I always feel left out & when I always feel useless. E was always the group leader each time we’re playing in a group. During choosing who they want to be in their group, I am always the last person they pick. Most of the time, I am the “baboy-baboy”, the “pakapin”. It was childish, yes, but it’s that act that I first notice deprivation and bullying. I admit I wasn’t sporty, or maybe that’s what they made me feel, that I am not good at anything. Since then, I never like playing. It had stuck to my head that I am not for sports. Dictatorial. That’s the kind of friendship we have with E. It was almost at the end of that school year when I felt something strange; when I felt that change of E’s treatment. She may be changed or maybe I chose to notice. What E wants, E gets. What E tells, everyone listens. If you don’t want to be bullied, you should be closer to E. You should make things that could make E happy. “Pasipsip”, that’s your ticket for a peaceful school year. I was her “alagad”, literal. Mura mig nasa isa ka kulto. She’s a dictator to the point na maski lunchbox nako iyang ikambyo sa iyaha kung walay lami iyang pagkaon, and in replace, ako mokaon sa iyang baon; ako moanswer sa iyahang exams and quizzes, ang akong allowance iyang kuhaon. At first, I willingly give my money, as I have extra, but it reached to the point where she forcedly took the money from me, abrihan akong bulsa, and took everything. Remember when I said I was innocent then? I was, and she took advantage of that. Not just my innocence but my naivety because despite seeing and experiencing all that, I still considered her as a friend and what I was doing is just to keep the friendship. I thought that’s the worst she could do. But no. From getting our (along with my other friends) allowances of 5 to 10 pesos, it reached to her requesting us to get her money for her family, for her outing, and for all other reasons. And from where will we get that amount? That’s for us to figure out, because if not, ‘ipabarang’ mi niya, which could lead to us and our family dying. Imagine the fear that a 7-year old child, who wants to live, felt during those times? “Walay dapat makabalo ani, kay kung dili, ipabarang ta mo. Labaw sa tanan, ayaw ingna inyong ginikanan. Kay once mogawas ni, kabalo namo unsay mahitabo.” Those words were stuck in our minds. “Kailangan na nako ang kwarta karun.” And so, me, together with Cathy, cut classes and walked our way home, kay wala mi kwarta para mosakay, of almost 2 km, and made alibis to our parents, kung ngano mi nanguli, and find ways to get money from our parent’s wallet just so we could live. Yes, we were thieves. Abi namo kaisa lang, but she asked repeatedly. From asking 100 pesos, to 200, even reaching up to 500. That breath of relief each time I can walk out home without them noticing that I stole money from them is as intense as that fear I felt when mother started noticing my weird actions resulting to her checking my pocket and bag before I head back to school. Good thing she did not check my shoes. I still couldn’t think of those traumatic experiences without getting emotional, and I am now, as I am writing this. I suffered mental, emotional and physical torture. Yes, even physical. There was a time when E told us that someone stole her bracelet and the one who stole it is from one of us. She called all of us in the group, asking us to surrender earlier as she will still know eventually after the ritual she will about to make. “Mananagna”, that’s what she told she is. She took a piece of our hair, leave us waiting for the result, as she was talking in front of the tree, crying, praying, conversing with her “invisible twin”. She went back to us from time to time announcing the names of those who she said innocent, leaving me, Cathy and Lovely as the possible culprit. She talked to us individually in different places, all were asked to admit a crime we did not do. In her desperation to made us admit, she physically harmed us. I received several slaps and a mental torture of being called a thief, while Cathy and Lovely were pushed towards a cliff full of big red ants. Knowing that she was capable of physically harming us, we chose to zip our mouth and follow what she told us to do. That kind of life continued til we reached the end of 5th grade. If not for Abegail’s braveness of speaking to her parents, we could have possibly suffered more. Akala ko once the truth has been exposed, I could finally live a normal life. But then I was wrong. Instead of understanding and pity me for what I have been through, my aunt focused on that fact that I stole money from her.  Instead of comforting a child, she exposed it to other relatives, telling everyone that I am a thief, and they all laugh towards my naivety of how simple it could have been if I told them eventually what happened. “Mao na! Kay dali man gud ka mahadlok ug tao! Basin mangatol nana imong kamot ha, inig dili ka makakawat.” Their words have affected me very much to the point that even I am doubting my own self. “Dili kaha ako ang nagkuha ato?” My every thought each time someone’s thing is missing. I judged myself first, thinking others would also judge me the same. I became conscious of what others think of me. I hear their voices more, more so if its negative criticisms about me. Celebrating my achievements became harder as I see those as worthless, knowing people will remember your faults more than the right things you did. If there’s one event in my life that I really want to completely forget, that would be it. Since then, I want nothing else but a restart at life. That is why I was ecstatic upon hearing that we were moving out and transfer to a new home with a new environment and new people finally. But different from what I thought, me transferring to that school has worsened my negativity, my distrust, and unhappiness. High school drama. High school bullying. Being a transferee, I was a victim to all of that. Having that eagerness of restarting my life, the moment I entered that new school, I act the way I want people to see me. I aimed to be good at school in order to gain my parent’s trust back. I want to be a good person. For a time, I thought I was doing good with my restart, I made a lot of friends, topped per grading rankings, and often praised by teachers for being reserved. But I guess humans are humans. Some of my classmates thought that I am just faking everything. “Too good to be true”, that’s what they say. “Pasipsip” “Pagoody-goody” “Igat” “Humok ug Ilong” “Nasa sulod ang kulo” that’s what they branded me.  Restart what? I am back to that whole dark world again. It turns out, they just become friends with me to find fault in me. Guess what? They succeeded. There was that guy who courted me. Those “friends” supported the guy’s act; saying all the good things about him, telling me how sincere he was, and all other good praises about the guy, just for me to say yes. Growing up, I was taught that being in a relationship is not a game. It is sacred. The only purpose for entering it is to marry. But peer pressure. The “friends” are all pushing me to say yes. I have that desire to feel accepted and once again I disappointed myself for giving in to the pressure. They used that case to judge me and my whole personality telling their brandings of me are all real. What can I do? I made the wrong choice. I help them prove that they were all right. Good thing the guy was kind enough the moment I took back my answer. I still feel sorry for that guy though, I saw his sincerity and I know his intentions were clear. But no, that time I know I wasn’t prepared to commit. That’s just the first incident and a lot more has happened after. I can’t survive a single day without breaking down. My lunch breaks were all filled with tears for all the bullying. Maybe I was just too sensitive or maybe they were also rude. Though I was able to find people who stick with me through all that, High School just made my world darker with each passing day. Not that I did not enjoy high school, but whenever I tried to look back, I could think more of those bad times, and the trauma it has caused me.

I still have a lot to share. . . .Hang on. . .