#literally sat here and spent like an hour writing this. like it's 2017 again. NO remorse! a nice way to wind down my evening

[original-character-championship]

REAL NULL PROPAGANDA HOURS!!

(submitting this now so i don’t forget when the polls are posted lol)

you might be thinking. who is this chump? and why should i vote for them?

well.

this weird lizard is NULL and they are the blorbo from my brain!!!

Some random facts abut the beast:

1. Null used to be ½ of a god (kinda). They were created when a mage tore one of the universe’s founding deities in half due to a misunderstanding (long story). Both halves of this god-soul congealed into a physical form, with one half becoming Null (and the other half becoming Null’s evil twin sibling Nil).

2. Null is made out of rock. No, seriously. When Null was first formed, they were more energy than physical matter. They wandered into a cave and just went to TOWN eating rocks and incorporating it into their body. so null is entirely rock and mineral based and is kept alive entirely by freaky otherworldly “magic” (once again, long story).

3. considering Null was formed from the corrupted deity of death and destruction, Null was SUPPOSED to hunt down their counterpart Nil, kill them before Nil manages to kill Null, and be reformed as the true destruction god once again. instead, Null sat in a cave for like, 100 thousand years longer than they were supposed to.

4. Everyone wants Null to be the protagonist soooo bad but Null would much rather go back to their cave and take a nap. They only left the cave because the mountain they lived under Completely Collapsed on top of them.

5. Instead of doing what they were SUPPOSED to do (kill Nil), Null spent their time wandering with their new friends and having a fun adventure learning about the big huge above-ground world while aforementioned friends are DESPERATELY trying to lead Nil and their posse on a wild goose chase and stalling them as long as possible because, unlike Null, Nil IS actively trying to hunt down and murder Null. Null is aware of this, they just don’t care.

6. At various points, Null becomes: a semi-famous sculptor, a baker, a folk legend, a criminal, an archivist, an archaeologist, a geologist, an unlicensed therapist, and a temple statue (….long story.)

7. Cares WAY more about doing whatever the hell they want instead of following fate or expectations or anything.

8. Specifically USED to be ½ a god and not CURRENTLY ½ a god specifically because of how souls work in the universe. Null (and their counterpart Nil) both start out as literally just. half of the destruction god’s soul. but after going through Character Development Null got their Very Own shiny brand-new soul. so when Nil eventually confronts Null and dies (badly) in the process, the god-part of their souls reform into the destruction god, but Null is still fine! Kind of. They did get turned into a rock for a while. But it’s fine! They got better!

9. Null’s favorite food is limestone. Null’s second favorite food is mango.

10. Null exists in a plane of existence known as the Mortal Coil (which i talk about in depth on my oc lore sideblog @mortalllycoiled if you’re at all interested in the Lore). There are a Lot of guys involved. here’s a simplified relationship chart as a reference for the scale so far!

11. Null is my special little guy and I am simply happy that you have observed him for a little bit. I designed this creature back in 2017 and I still love them so much its unreal. Here’s some random old art to look at!

^ the OLDEST art of Null, from 2017! this is one of my oldest digital art pieces ive done. i think we’ve both come a long way c:

anyways, thank you for observing my specialist guy Null! so go ahead and vote for them (or don’t; i’m writing this post before i know who he’ll be going up against so like. idk follow your heart <3 )

#submission #propaganda #94 Null

[charcubed]

hey char, mind to share your fave stevebucky headcanons? 👀

Oh I LOVE that you asked me this :’)  Thank you!

I honestly have so many if I really think about it because I love them so much and I think about their dynamic so much that I have so many favorite things... but here is what I think of off the top of my head:

• Steve was color blind before the serum, according to canon. I have a headcanon that Bucky used to try to describe colors to him. I wrote a mini fic about that here.

• Bucky was drafted for the war, but didn’t tell Steve. Steve sort of assumed that Bucky enlisted, and Bucky never wanted to correct him. How could he? Steve wanted to enlist so badly, and Bucky didn’t ever feel like he could admit that he didn’t have the same drive to want to ~fight for the country~ like Steve did. He didn’t want to disappoint him and he was afraid Steve would think he was a coward. So Bucky just... never told him that he was forced into war. It was never his choice to fight for the country. If it was up to him, they would’ve stayed home together and stayed safe and never fought at all.

• They were always physically rough with each other, in the sense that they'd wrestle as boys all the time, and Steve loved that Bucky never treated him as fragile. Buck knew he could take it. Even after the serum, they'd still scuffle a bit like kids, finding a bright spot in a war-torn world. They’d be awake in the trenches on lookout, having soft conversations in the night, and shoving each other after one says something stupid or makes a bad joke.

• Steve is bi, and Bucky is gay. Bucky was consciously aware of his feelings for Steve way, way before Steve was aware of his for Bucky. In the 30s, Bucky has a bit of a reputation for ~dating around,~ but not in a rude ladies’ man kind of way but rather his reputation is “Bucky Barnes is a real charmer. He’ll show you a good time and he’s really sweet, but he never pushes your boundaries.” Some women wishes he’d push their boundaries, but he doesn’t. He’s taken so many women out on dates because he never lets it get super serious, since they’re not who he wants and it’s mostly for appearances’ sake, especially since he and Steve live together. He definitely enjoys hanging out with women, and treating them nice, but most of the time his motivation is to try to set up double dates–half because Steve deserves to find a great girl to date, and half because a double date means Bucky can selfishly do a date activity “with” Steve and not have it mean anything. Meanwhile though, Steve gets jealous as hell and testy about Bucky dating all the time, but he’s oblivious to the fact that it’s because Steve wishes Bucky would be with him instead.

• Their first kiss was when Steve was 16 and Bucky was 17. I’m not necessarily saying that’s when they actually got together, but something significant happened between them at those ages... maybe they kissed because they were drunk, or it was so Steve’s “first kiss” would be someone he knew and it was for “practice.” And then they both never talked about it again, because they’re idiots and were afraid to ~ruin things~ between each other. That’s why Steve says “Rumlow said ‘Bucky’ and all of a sudden I was a 16-year-old kid again, in Brooklyn.” That’s why “seventeen” is one of Bucky’s trigger words as the Winter Soldier. It checks out, because Bucky is a little bit older than Steve.

• Steve doesn’t fully admit the depth of his own feelings for Bucky to himself until he finds out Bucky’s been captured by HYDRA. And then he tears Europe apart to get him back. He’d have done that anyway, obviously, but... the prospect of losing Bucky forever is really what makes him realize how much he can’t handle that concept. Because he’s in love with him.

• After Bucky “dies,” Steve gets more reckless, and that’s part of the reason he put the plane in the ice and didn’t try to survive: he didn’t want to live in a world without Bucky in it. This is supported by canon. And so I headcanon that, after Steve finds out about the Winter Soldier, one day he abruptly realizes that he could’ve died in that plane crash and never known Bucky was alive and brainwashed and suffering. He thought Bucky was dead and he wanted to follow him, and he could’ve left Bucky even more alone in the world without knowing it. When Steve realizes how close he came to leaving Bucky behind like that, he throws up. It horrifies him to think about it.

• They each have a pair of dog tags where one says “Steve Rogers” and one says “Bucky Barnes.” They swapped one tag each, so that they’d have a matching set, because while they couldn’t list each other as “next of kin,” they wanted tangible evidence that would show other people how important they are to each other. So people would know: tell him if something happens to me.

• Their Brooklyn accents come out / get heavier around each other, especially if they’re bitching about things or arguing.

• Bucky is a complete sci-fi and fantasy nerd–which is now confirmed canon, and I love it. In particular, I like to headcanon that he loves to read paperback sci-fi novels, and discount romance novels. He unironically enjoys them, and he leaves them allllll over the place. One of the things they love to do is Bucky will sit around and read while Steve will sit around and draw/paint, and half the time Steve gets distracted sketching Bucky’s facial expression he makes while he’s reading.

• Bucky is also a pop culture gremlin. He will try and often get interested in pretty much anything and everything, without rhyme or reason. In modern day, he and Nat will watch trashy reality TV together–sometimes to make fun of it, sometimes to get invested. Steve thinks they’re insane for that. And sometimes Bucky will like one niche thing but then for very specific reasons he dislikes another similar thing. It makes sense to him, even if Steve doesn’t get it.

• Steve tends to be pickier with the kind of stuff he enjoys. He’s always had Strong Opinions™️ on everything, including and especially art. Put him in a museum and he’ll have a lot of thoughts on all of it. He doesn’t judge things or hate on other people for liking things he doesn’t like at all, but he won’t get hooked on a movie/show quite as easily. The one exception is animation, which he absolutely adores, and he goes on a wild binge of all kinds of animated content for awhile–shows and movies–because the various art styles and uses of the medium to tell crazy stories just fascinates him.

• Easy access to so much music is one of their mutual favorite things about the 21st century. Bucky often gets into individual artists’ entire discographies and becomes a fan, whereas Steve often gets into a handful of specific songs from a wide range of various people. Like... Bucky will often love an entire album, and Steve will often love 2 songs specifically more than others. But even with that, Steve loves collecting vinyl records–both old and new ones.

• Bucky has a fantastic singing voice even though he’s shy about it, and he tends to hum along to music when distracted or working on something else–especially while making something in the kitchen. 

• Bucky likes technology more than Steve; Steve likes physical stuff more than Bucky. Bucky loves to take photos and videos of things all the time, hoarding digital memories in a way that’s precious to him, knowing that they’re “safe” and accessible anywhere. They lost so much of the objects that they loved a century ago, and photos were scarce, but now... there are endless ways to have pictures. When Bucky was recovering in Wakanda and Steve was on the run, Bucky would often text Steve photos–sometimes without captions–to wordlessly share bits of his days with him. He’s got a good eye for photography, except for when he takes the photo equivalent of shitposts to make Steve laugh. Regardless, Steve gets his favorites printed–some of Bucky’s photos, some of his, some of their selfies–so they also always have something tangible to hold onto.

• Bucky calls Steve “sweetheart” sometimes, just to be a little shit–and he means it. It makes Steve turn red every time, without fail, but he secretly doesn’t mind it.

Okay I’ll stop hahaha. Those are the main ones that come to mind for me all the time when I think of them! 

Thank you again for asking :D  This was so fun to write all in one place!

#anonymous #asks #stevebucky #stucky #steve rogers #bucky barnes #headcanons #literally sat here and spent like an hour writing this. like it's 2017 again. NO remorse! a nice way to wind down my evening #char writes things

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

My personal connection with Taylor’s discography, part two: Right Where You Left Me

Basically this is just a series I’m doing where I write down my feelings on what each of the Taylor songs means to me personally. Part one was my relationship with It’s Time To Go, which you can find here.

Before we get started with this one though, I just want to mention how much I love this song, even outside of relatability. While I do prefer Taylor’s ‘mature’ voice nowadays, the fact she tapped into her ‘fetus Taylor’/RED era voice in an album filled with her ‘mature’ voice to show that she’s stuck at an age that no longer suitable/where she’s meant to be adds a lot to the song. Likewise, the urgency she uses when saying ‘Help!’ because it feels like an emergency to her makes me want to scream every time I hear it.

Anyway, with that being said, this is how I personally relate to this song.

Right Where You Left Me

As a whole, this song is one of the most relatable songs of Taylor’s for me right now. It is somehow comforting, yet also reads me like a book. It is also one of the many songs Taylor has written that I relate back to the trauma of losing my family. Specifically, Right Where You Left Me feels like a vocalisation of what I feel on the worst of days where I do not feel strong enough to go on alone and just want them to come back. Because of this, Taylor’s ‘immature’ voice adds even more to the song as the situation it relates to in my own life makes me feel like a child crying out for their parents to help them.

Friends break up, friends get married

Basically I’m at this part of my life where it feels like all my friends are hitting these milestones that not only do I not feel close to hitting, I just have no interest in hitting them because I’m too focused on what happened with my family.

Strangers get born, strangers get buried

In the last year or so, I found out through facebook that I am an aunt and via the phone that my grandfather, someone who called me their favourite grandchild, had died. These are people who should in theory mean the world to me, but instead, they were born/died strangers to me, as will any other members of my family. And as a result, I felt nothing hearing the news.

Trends change, rumors fly through new skies. But I'm right where you left me. Matches burn after the other

Time has passed, but I still stuck in that moment, so much so that things that used to catch my interest no longer phase me.

Pages turn and stick to each other

A lot of people have spoken about how this song is about trauma, but I feel like this line is often left out of the conversation when it’s perhaps the most obvious show of it. When you’re traumatised, time all blurs together and as a result, you often find yourself in a position where you’re questioning how you even got there or feeling like you’ve missed part of the story. And part of this goes with my friends’ lives too. Like it feels like I am so stuck in the moment my family fell apart that I wake up some days noticing my friends have made these achievements that I didn’t even know they were working up for despite them telling me things I just do not remember. In non-traumatised terms, it’s almost like being invited to a wedding where you thought the bride was still single.

Wages earned and lessons learned. But I'm right where you left me

Obviously life has still gone on for both myself and my family. None of us have just stayed in bed for almost six years doing literal nothing, at least from what I know. I’ve started and finished my degrees, assumingly my family has gone to work etc and I’ve been able to reflect on what went wrong and why not to trust them again. But despite that, it still feels like just yesterday that this all went down. The damage losing my family has done is and may always be a fresh wound.

Help, I'm still at the restaurant, still sitting in a corner I haunt cross-legged in the dim light. They say, "What a sad sight"

Continuing from the above, I am still traumatised and don’t really know how to move past this. And while most of my friends have tried to help, there’s nothing they can realistically do but say that they’re sorry that it happened.

I swear you could hear a hair pin drop right when I felt the moment stop. Glass shattered on the white cloth

Christmas Day 2015. Before then my sister had been in a two year cycle of running away but coming back for special events to get gifts. So when she didn’t show on Christmas, I knew she wasn’t coming back. Also the moment I read the facebook messages from my extended family stating that they’d rather I starve and be homeless than speak to my father about helping put the family back together.

Everybody moved on. I stayed there. Dust collected on my pinned up hair

Again the continuation of the idea that it feels like everyone around me has moved on and done amazing things and I’ve just sat here, achieving nothing.

They expected me to find somewhere, Some perspective. But I sat and stared right where you left me

My family falling apart was one of those ‘everyone knew before me’ moments. Like friends of mine have flat out pointed out that the signs were there from when I was like ten. And yet, part of me held on thinking that anyone in my family would come back and fix things someday.

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it

Again, so much time has passed since then and everyone else (barring my mother) seems to have moved on, leaving this trauma behind as just a memory and yet it feels incomprehensible that this happened and that I was meant to do anything afterwards until this got sorted.

She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy, how it was supposed to be

I still spend so so much time wishing things were different and imagining all these different events in our lives that the other should be at and how it should have been even though I know at the end of the day that just breaks my heart worse when I am forced to reconcile that that’s never going to happen.

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?

I spent two years truly believing my father would eventually realise how messed up the situation was and reuniting my sister and extended family with me, my brother and/or mother even though he had the means to do so the whole time but didn’t. Or that my sister would come home on her own at 18 knowing mum couldn’t set boundaries anymore. Or at very least, one of the extended family would call and ask how they could help. Like I had zero reason to have faith in these people anymore, and yet I sat around like a delusional idiot truly thinking that 2015 wasn’t the end for my family.

Breakups happen every day, you don't have to lose it

In an attempt to either make me feel better or just move past the subject, I’ve had people in my life constantly compare it to their siblings who came back or their parents divorce where they still speak to both parents or just generally telling me that I’ve gotta forget them and just move on to be okay. And while well meaning, it has just felt more isolating and like they want me to just shut up for their sakes, even if they don’t mean it to. As a result, I’ve been left to fester more about it, because outside therapy, I have nowhere to put that energy. And as someone who feels like they can “infodump”/rant and then move on, at least for a while, it’s the most frustrating thing.

She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy and you're sitting in front of me at the restaurant when I was still the one you want, cross-legged in the dim light. Everything was just right

While it was not the last day I had with her, the last positive memory I have of my sister was when the three of us went to Merimbula, my then favourite place in the world, to visit my grandmother in January 2015. It was the time in my life where I was the happiest, both with myself and how the rest of my life was going, and felt that everything was going to work out. We had just moved my sister to a different school away from the people who were pushing her to act out (they later transferred to the same school :/), I was about to start my degree, I felt the most recovered from my PTSD, Bipolar and Eating Disorder than I ever had and I felt the most loved I ever had, both by my family and others. Looking back at the photos from that trip, I also noticed that it’s the only photos I’ve smiled in and the most huggy I’ve ever been towards my sister and father.

I could feel the mascara run. You told me that you met someone

This line specifically feels aimed at my father and the moment in 2017 he told me that he’d rather stick with my sister and allow her to do whatever she likes than stand by my side and try to reconnect the family and I realised that that was never going to change.

I'm sure that you got a wife out there, kids and Christmas. But I'm unaware ‘cause I'm right where

Like I said, I know I have a nephew that I’ll never meet now. I know my younger cousins are probably getting married and having these other events, but I’m never going to be part of that and I can’t even comprehend having those events for myself after what happened. The specific mention of Christmas also feels like a kick in the guts not only as the day that I realised my sister wasn’t coming back, but that was the main time we saw everyone from the extended family and would literally spend like 12 hours at my uncle’s place for the day.

I cause no harm, mind my business

Again, I just cannot find it in myself to do anything anymore. I don’t get involved in things I used to, I don’t make new connections and I can’t bring myself to explain what happened. I just go through the motions of living the same day, over and over.

If our love died young I can't bear witness

Quite frankly, I’ve pushed this shit so far to the back of my head because I just cannot face the pain, even after all this time. Like taking a ‘out of sight, out of mind’ approach and trying to rationalise it to myself that everyone else was right and this was inevitable is the only way I’ve been getting through each day because the alternative is that none of this had to happen but still did.

And it's been so long. But if you ever think you got it wrong I'm right where you left me

This is the child in me screaming out and begging me to reach out to them on the bad days that I want them all back and can’t do this alone.

You left me no, you left me no

The disbelief. Like none of this can be real. Like my father and extended family couldn’t have decided a broken family was better than the work it takes to fix one, right? My mother can’t be so torn up in her own grief that by her own accord, has admitted she will never love me, right? It just all cannot be real. But it is.

You left me no choice but to stay here forever

And to finish off, we have a triple meaning line.

The father version: By manipulating events and turning my mother, brother and I into the villains, he has forced us into a future where we do not have family. He has brought on grief to my mother that I am expecting her to die at her own hand soon. And he has left me living in my fantasies of what could have been.

The mother version: Within her own grief, my mother is living in a mindset where anyone wanting to move on from this and have a life is selfish and is herself constantly talking about it and giving ultimatums to listen to and agree with her or refuse to pay bills, which I need her to do as someone who is financially dependent on her. Ironically, she also shuts down any inkling that my brother and I have been affected by this to the level she has and refuses to entertain us talking about that in the household. Both of which mean I am forced to relive this over and over without the recovering aspects that I need.

The me version: Basically the combination of the two above. Because I have not been given the chance to recover in the way I need and do not have an outlet outside of therapy to properly work through this, I am forced to relive the events with myself each night just to try and make sense of it all. Further, the trauma has hit so deep that again, even the idea of starting new relationships whether they be familiar, romantic or platonic seems both unworthy of my attention and horrifically terrifying because it still feels like I am unloveable because if my own family, the people who are meant to love you forever, have abandoned me, why would anyone else stay?

#taylor swift #right where you left me #evermore album #about me

[hs-1dfan]

Every atom of me missed him

Hi loves🌷

I’m back with another story!! It’s has been centuries for me to post something new. Sorry about that. Hopefully this will get me back at the writing game.

 ⚠️Hinting of smut. 

I know the time period for his hip tattoos doesn’t add up here. But it isn’t all set around 2017/18 harry. It’s a bit of a mix.

As always like, reblog and enjoy!

Xx Mir

————————

‘’I love you, Harry,” she blurted as she woke. She found the right side off her bed cold and empty. She missed the muscular, tattooed arm that used to be wrapped around her. Waking up from her dream, she found that he wasn’t there. Sitting up in bed, surrounded with complete darkness around 3:00 A.M, she thought about how her life changed so much after agreeing to take a break. Because in Harry's words, “I can’t deal with this anymore. We need a break. A break from each other to figure out if we still want this.”

In the last few months of their relationship, they argued about everything. The fighting and arguments were things she thought about whenever she woke up in the middle of the night. She recalled all the bad and hurtful things she said in their last fight. After that argument, she realised that the words she said out loud weren’t about him, but of things she was dealing with. Neither one of them were angels. She realised that he worked hard, but she only saw what he didn’t do. All she knew was that she wasn’t making him feel loved or validated. It was something she deeply regretted. The fact that he was away a lot for his job wasn’t making things easier. Moments they spent together were filled with tension. Not a good or sexual tension, just an uncomfortable feeling of not wanting another argument.

In that moment, she just wished Harry was there with her. Maybe trying to fix things and work it all out. Was it too much to ask? She knew it was. It wasn't up to her to make a decision. A few nights ago, she let Harry know that she was sorry for everything that was said and done. That was all she could do.

But the ache of longing to be with him was overpowering. She never knew missing the one you loved the most could take over every fibre of your being. It felt like every atom in her body missed him. This wasn't something she had ever felt before.

The way he smiled at her made it feel like she was the only person in the room. His eyes full of adoration and love. Sometimes it was mixed with lust. The way his eyes darkened and the way his lips would curl up to this smirk. He knew… he knew how to make her feel good.

Or Harry telling corny jokes to her, knowing she would probably not find them funny. His perfect dimples when he smiled. But what made her fall in love with Harry was his love for others, helping people out. He still is a kind and loving person.

Thinking about these things put a smile on her face. Somehow, she lost this way of seeing him. All she focused on were the “bad” things, those typical little things you could get annoyed by. Having some time away from one and other made her remember the great things about him. The only hope she still held onto was that he might decide to give it another try.

Sighing deeply, she looked over to the clock on her nightstand. 4:15 A.M., another hour and fifteen minutes spent on Harry. Luckily, she didn't have work the next morning, so she could wake up later than usual. Getting out of bed, she walked over to the bathroom and took a few sips of water, gazing in the mirror at her own complexion. She switched off the lights and walked over to the bed. After getting comfortable and pulling the duvet up to her neck, she felt that her eyes grow heavy and she soon the drifted off back to sleep.

A few hours later, she received a loud wake up call as someone banged their fist on the front door. Grabbing her phone, she noticed a few missed calls and messages from a number she didn't know. She laid her phone back on the nightstand and walked over to the door to open it.

She couldn't find her voice; she lost every word she had ever learned. Her cheeks flushed and her heart pounded in her throat. He... Harry was here, at her house.

“Can I come in?” His eyes never left hers. How many love songs or movie lines are there with the line “He takes my breath away”?  At that moment, that line made so much sense. Even though her body felt numb, she still stepped aside and let him in.

“I thought it was time to talk. Don't you?” He let her lead them to the living room.

“Yes.. I believe so.”

Both of them sat down on the couch. Not sure who would talk first, they both waited. Harry finally decided to speak up and turned his entire body towards her.

“Let me begin by saying I'm sorry. And don't say I have nothing to be sorry for, because I do. Before we took a break, I was busy with work and I didn't pay enough attention to you when I was with you. Every time we were together, there was always a phone call from clients and colleagues. You never complained about that, until you were done with all of it. I didn't notice you were upset, tired, feeling alone. I've never wanted you to feel like that. So yes… I'm saying sorry. Both of us made mistakes, misjudgements. It took me a while before I realised that.

Right from the beginning, I missed you. Just last night I woke up thinking you were in my arms. But you weren't. I miss your laugh, the way you hate my corny jokes but still laugh about them, the way your eyes light up whenever you see a loved one, the way you are always there for everyone. I miss you. I want you to be in my arms whenever I wake up in the middle of the night. I want us back.”

He looked down at the ground, waiting for her reaction. He was never the one to be completely honest about what was going on in his mind. So this was something that he was not used too.

‘’ I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about you. I wished I was laying in your arms. I miss you. I have missed you for a long time.’’

She was nervous. Not looking at harry but at the ring on her finger. It was a ring that he bought her year and half ago.

‘’ I was mad. Mad at you, but also mad at myself. I said some horrible things to you. After you left I cried my eyes out. Obviously figuratively not literally.. I  mean.. haha ‘’ pointing at her yes. Whenever she got nervous, she ended up rambling.

‘’ I shouldn't have called you a self-centred guy. You’re the least self-centred man I know. But when you decided to take that break something snapped inside of me. Because I was there for you for so many years.. as a friend and partner. To see that you didn't even feel like fighting for us.. I got hurt.

I know that I’ve made mistakes as well. Whenever you got back home, I was more focused on my own issues. Not thinking about you needing to vent, or that you might needed me to listen. So.. I’m sorry. I know I apologised a few days ago. But seeing you now. Makes it more real.”

Harry just looked at her with a blank face. It made her nervous. But then he smiled. First a small curved smile, but then he got a big grin on his face.

“I know you’re sorry. But now we’re both sorry. What’s going to happen now? Because I still love you very much. That never stopped.” Grabbing her hand.

“I want to start fresh. I wouldn’t say get back to where we were, because that didn’t end well. Get back to being how we were before that. Because I would still do anything for you, I love you so much” getting comfortable on the couch, she looked at Harry’s hands holding her own.

The feeling of his cold rings, was something she missed.

He nodded his head, pulling her closer towards him. “I agree. Soooooo? We’re like a thing again?”

Putting her feet on the couch and nuzzling up against harry, “Yes.. we’re a thing again.”

After they were done talking about what has been going on in their lives, they walked over to her kitchen. “God.. all that talking made me hungry,” he said while scratching the back of his neck.

“I know. I’m starving,” she smiled. “What do you want for breakfast? It’s almost half past twelve. I could make some pancakes or just bake some eggs.”

“Pancakes are fine, can I help you out?” And he walked further into the kitchen. “Sure” and she amusingly watched him open kitchen cabinets, trying to find anything that would help them make pancakes.

She changed everything in the house after they broke up..technically they were on a break. A long break, very long. So seeing Harry trying to find everything was kind of amusing.

“Harry…. Harry. HAROLD!” She raised her voice. “What are you looking for?”

“You know… just that stuff.. THIS!” And he held up the flour. “We are making them the Dutch way right? Those big pancakes?”

“Yeah we are. Those are the only ones I know how to make” shrugging her shoulders. They put every ingredient in a bowl and started to mix it all together.

Harry looked at her and smiled. She looked beautiful with her hair in a bun, biting her lip out of concentration trying to mix everything together. He was about to clean up the flour, when he suddenly saw the flour on his shirt.

She hit him on his shirt. When Harry looked at her, he saw that she was shocked. But then started to laugh uncontrollably.

“I...I… I’m sooo sorry”  and snorted a little bit.

“It’s okay. You’ve never been able to hit the mark.” Grabbing a fist full of flour. “Let me show you how it’s done” and he threw the flour right in her face.

“OH.. “ wiping the flour off of her face. Making her way over to Harry. She went in for a hug, which he happily accepted. She had the biggest smile on her face. This was something they had both missed.

What harry didn’t realise was that she grabbed a bottle of chocolate syrup. After the hug she turned away for a second or three. “Hey love?”

“Hmm” And he lifted his head, while doing that he felt a sticky substance over his face.

Wiping his finger over his face, he saw that it was chocolate syrup. “What…the fuck.. was that for. We’re too old for a food fight. We could use this for so much  more” giving her a big smirk.

“No one is ever too old for a food fight. Oh really? What else can we do with chocolate syrup?” and she proudly put down the chocolate syrup.

Harry slowly walked over to where she was standing, not looking anywhere else but her eyes. She knew what he was about to do, and didn’t stop him.

He lifted her up on the counter, putting himself between her legs. He grabbed and opened the syrup bottle, holding it upside down and slowly pouring a little bit on her chest. Seeing the chocolate syrup making its way down her body, he moved closer towards her and swooped some of the liquid up with his finger.

“That’s something you can do with chocolate syrup”. He smiled at her, but his eyes were dark and full of lust.

She placed one arm around his neck and the other caressed his cheek. “What now harry?”

Harry didn’t answer her for a few seconds. He was too busy with placing kisses on her neck. While he was moving his hands from her hips to her inner thighs he answered her. ‘’Hmm.. Good question. What now?’’ He covered every single sweet spot that she had, and it was having the effect that he wanted.

She moaned and squirmed underneath his touch, leaning her head backwards in pleasure. Her hands made their way on his back, slightly digging her nails in his back. ‘’Hmm’’ a deep groan could be heard in her entire flat. A small smile covered her face, hearing Harry moan was the sexiest thing in the world.

Harry slowly moved his kisses to her ear and jawline. Their foreheads touched, looking into each other eyes. He placed one hand on her cheek. They both just gazed into each other eyes. A smile covers both of their faces.

While they were staring at each other’s eyes, his hands found their way to her shirt and started to unbutton them. At the same time she was trying to lift up his shirt, that clearly failed because they were both trying in a hurry to get the clothes off. When harry pulled his shirt over his head, she saw that he had a new tattoos. She moved her fingers over his new tattoos. ‘’You have a two new ones I see.. I like it. Brings out your v-line’’ she told harry with a smirk on her face.

‘’Hmm.. Yeah I did get two new ones. Few months ago..’’ breathing heavily. And when harry opened the last button of her shirt he saw that she had gotten her first tattoo. ‘’So did you, I see. First one? I like it”.

She just nodded “yuppp.” emphasising the p.

His hands moved over her from her hips, to her stomach. He cupped her breast, and one hand went to her back. Opening the clips of her bra.

The cold air gave her goosebumps, or it was just harry’s rings. God how she missed those rings. The way the cold shiny jewellery made contact with her body. Either way she was loving the feeling he gave to her, once again.  

“Come on” and she jumped of the kitchen counter. Taking Harry’s hand and leading him to her bedroom. The room was completely silent, neither of them spoke a word to each other. There was no need to talk.

Grabbing her hips, he slowly moved her backwards to the bed. His hands traveled all over her body, touching her sides moving up to her chest and then stopped at her neck. Both of his hands cupped her face, and he caressed her cheek with his thumb. And gave her small pecks on her lips.

“I love you” and he kissed her more passionate this time.

Turning him around she pushed him on the bed. He moved to the headboard. She crawled over the bed and straddled him. Her hair was loose, a few strands of hair covered her face.

They  just looked at each other. Harry liked this.. he wanted slowness, the closeness and warmth. Removing a piece of her out of her face, he planted a kiss on her lips. Turning her around, he made his way down.

He put his head between her legs, nuzzling at first. His beard was a little rough on the insides of my thighs. Then with his lips, then his tongue, he struck fire. She had to cry out in astonishment, at being touched in that right place.

There are no words, only sensation, smooth sensation. They were longing for each other.

#hs1dfanwriting #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles #harry styles smut #harry fanfic #harry styles blurb #harry styles imagine #harry styles oneshot #harry styles one shot #1d imagine

[tina--bean]

I’ve been wanting to write what I think happened between that first kiss scene to what we saw Nov. 16th, 2017 for a long time and finally came up with something. This was meant to be a quick exercise to see if I could write angst for something else and has probably turned out as one of the favourite things I’ve ever written. 

So I hope it’s good. I literally wrote it in about four hours so it could be a little messy. Yes, two scenes are rewrites of what we see in the ep but it needed to be done for context. Still, enjoy and I hope I did this justice.   

Is It Too Much Too Ask? 

The whistling sound of the wind on the trees and cars passing far and few between the seconds Vanessa was watching pass on the clock where all reminders her current state with Charity could change any minute now.

She had been enjoying Charity company more than she had ever imagined. Charity Dingle of all people, Vanessa Woodfield had found herself in bed with.

The kind of pairing writers all over the world win awards for creating.

It was still in it’s early days, admittedly. They didn’t have a name for it but what Vanessa could admit and say is she enjoyed it. Something about Charity was addictive.

She had never felt anything like it when she and the blonde had their first encounter, and when she texted the vet out of the blue one evening, Vanessa felt like a teenager.

Since then, the feeling had only grown. She started spending evenings in the pub just so she could look at Charity. She wasn’t usually this way. It wasn’t like she was doing the chasing but she was definitely trying to get the other blonde to notice her.

Charity wasn’t blind to it. She started asking Vanessa to stay in the pub until it closed when she was working the late and it made her heart skip a beat—not that she would admit it—when Vanessa told her she already planned childcare, her intentions for the night clear.

Even at Tug Ghyll, if Vanessa had the house to herself, she would text Charity. Make sure Johnny was sound asleep in his bed and Charity would be at the door before she got to the bottom of the stairs.

Of course, it wasn’t a surprise one of them would leave in the middle of the night. It’s what you did when you were trying to keep a secret. Both women had had their fair share of it during college. One night stands the same, it happens.

In the week they’d been seeing each other, Charity had done her run outs. As had Vanessa expect for one night, it had been a long day at work and just about had the energy for Vanessa, Charity the same and neither realised before Charity was woken by the sound of the drayman rocking up woke her and she shook Vanessa and took her out the pub via the backdoor. Vanessa accepted that.

Conversation had lasted longer than usual between them tonight. Vanessa got a belly laugh out of the Dingle and it made her smile like a Cheshire Cat while her heart leap out of her chest before they went upstairs where the laughter turned to sounds of release.

Now the part Vanessa dreaded.

At Woolpack, after their moment of bliss, Charity would make the comment Vanessa should be getting back home and for the first couple of nights Vanessa accepted it, tonight she couldn’t.

While Charity’s scratches covered her back and arms right now, underneath were those inflicted by Vanessa herself. Almost like a nervous rash, Vanessa could help it out of fear what she had been thinking of asking Charity all evening.

As as every second passed, that nervous rash felt like it was coming back.

Charity had been mindlessly been drawing shapes along Vanessa collarbone, her head tucked nicely under the smaller woman’s head, placing the odd kiss on the skin there her hand came back her way or the urge to be close got too much.

She noticed Vanessa swallow and it caused her to look up at the vet, her eyes following where hers were.

“Shit! Is that the time?” Charity hissed as she leap out of Vanessa arms, bringing the duvet with her to cover her chest as she searched for her jeans.

“Charity,” Vanessa whispered. Her weight resting on her elbow as she turned to the woman now sat on the edge of her bed trying to pull her skinny jeans up her legs, her hurried actions actually making it harder for Charity to move them over her ankles. She reached out her other hand to rest on Charity’s spine. “You don’t have to leave, you know? You can stay the night.”

Charity sucked in a breath before she looked over her shoulder at Vanessa. “I don’t think that’s wise, babe.”

“Why not?” Vanessa narrowed her eyes.

“Well, you’ve got Johnny here tonight. You don’t need him catching me here.”

“Charity,” Vanessa said her name again, hoping it would convince her it’s okay. She removed her hand from Charity’s back—the blonde shuddered at the loss of touch but Vanessa didn’t see—to reach for her alarm clock. “I’ll set my alarm for being he wakes up. You told me you’re not working tomorrow, Charity. You don’t have to be up before me. I will have him ready and out to nursery before you even need to wake up. He knows the only time he goes upstairs in the morning is to do his teeth. My room is off bounds unless I say.”

Trust Vanessa to have a well-oiled machine for a child, Charity thought.

Charity sighed. “You have it all planned out, haven’t you?”

“Yes, and I thought you did, too,” Vanessa said without a beat. She sat up, not caring what parts of her where currently exposed because she was about to expose her feelings and that was much more exposing that her own nudity. “Charity, you texted me saying you want to see me. Not the other way around.”

Charity sighed again. She dropped the waist of her jeans she’d been holding onto since Vanessa had started talking, letting them pool uncomfortably at her feet. She put her head in her hands rubbed at her eyes. “It’s not that serious, Vanessa.”

“Hold on,” Charity turned to face her again, her eyes were cross. “I believed you actually wanted to see me. After everything you’ve done, it’s me who should be having the doubts.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You humiliated me in front of our neighbours and ignored me for days on end after,” Vanessa reminded her.

The blonde should have known it was something that’s probably water under the bridge to Charity because it’s her second nature to torture others. Maybe she should have seen it coming.

“I believed you actually wanted to see me when you texted me. I’ve seen you everyday this week and I can’t get you out my head, I couldn’t even after you embarrassed me like that. I thought maybe you felt the same. But I should have known after you told me you slept with some randomer after we spent the night together. I’m not like you, I don’t just give myself like that.”

“You think I do?” Charity questioned, hurt that Vanessa would think of her like that.

“Well, no, I don’t know you. But i’s how it comes across from the outside,” Vanessa swallowed.

Charity scoffed, shaking her head. She reached down to pick up her jeans again. She wasn’t going to stay around just to be insulted.

“Well, thanks a lot.”

“No,” Vanessa was quick to react. She reached out and grabbed the landlady’s arm. “I didn’t mean it like that. Just… I heard you only did it to con him out of money or something and although you’ve said you’re not spending time with me to manipulate my trust and I do believe that. Can you not see how that makes me feel?”

Charity didn’t want to admit it but of course she did. She kicked her jeans off, finally turned her body to get back on the bed properly, pulling the covers over her naked skin as she did, so she could face Vanessa but she kept her hand down, even after she nodded.

“I may not be sly like you but I’m not stupid either. It’s just feels like you use me to get what you want out of this,” Vanessa gestured to their bodies, “and leave. I feel a little conned.”

“Okay,” Charity breathed out.

Vanessa put her hand on her knee and squeezed it gently. “It doesn’t help when you bolt for the door when I ask you to stay the night.”

“That’s not quite what happened, babe,” Charity mused.

“Well,” Vanessa gave a little smile to her attempt of a laugh. She patted the bed. “Come on, Charity.”

Charity didn’t know how she was going to handle herself in the future if she couldn’t resist Vanessa now. Fear loomed over her about catching feelings if she caved into someone’s words this fast now.

Vanessa had a way with words, almost smart-arse-like, Charity realised but she kind of liked it. For the first time, she had sense talked into her. Vanessa didn’t let it turn it into a blazing row like the men before her.

“Here,” Vanessa pulled an oversized shirt from under her pillow. “You can wear it if it makes you feel less vulnerable.”

Charity took it from her quickly and threw it on. Her words cut a little deep but the blonde, of course, wasn’t wrong.

She crawled across the bed and, without even a second thought, back into the arms of Vanessa.

They lay together in silence for only a few seconds. Vanessa knew because she watched the clock again, knowing now she didn’t need to count any more tonight.  

Charity used her middle finger to trace a line from the top of Vanessa’s forehead, down over her nose that Charity had noticed twitched more than once earlier and now was just a perfect line that lead towards her lips where Vanessa caught her wrist and kissed her palm softly and stopping her own action. Vanessa tucked her hand under her chin, pulling her so the two of them were flush together, Vanessa’s back to Charity’s front.

“Thank you,” Vanessa whispered as their eyes drew heavy.

__

After the Christening, Vanessa popped into the pub. She was hoping to see Charity.

Of course, she shouldn’t have too surprised to wake up to an empty bed. It had still been in the back of her mind after she convinced Charity to stay but it didn’t make it any easier.

She thought about texting her but didn’t want to get into the childish spat that can be texting. The blunt full stops, being left on read for hours, she’d seen it all before. Besides, she wants to see Charity’s face, how her body reacts. She wants to know if maybe she did overstep the mark last night. It has been only seven days, maybe she shouldn’t be so hung up.

So she wasn’t surprised to hear Chas say Charity had given up a little bit of her day off to help out on a busy day. Weddings, funerals, christenings are what make The Woolpacks targets, not surprised when Emmerdale has so many.

Luckily it wasn’t the only reason she was in the pub anyway, as well as have a celebratory drink, she was there to have catch up with Rhona. Woman had relationship problems of her own that needed dealing with, much bigger than Vanessa’s.

They talked for a while until Vanessa excused herself to go pick up Johnny from the childminders.

And just like some Hollywood rom-com would have it, just as she’s about to walk out the door, she bumps into the boy—but in this blockbuster, it’s a girl.

“Careful!”

“Hey!” Charity said happily. “Where you running off to?”

Vanessa didn’t miss that the blonde did a once over of her outfit. “What business is that of yours?”

Charity was happy to see the smaller blonde but Vanessa’s quick backfire had Charity put her walls up. She rocked her phone between her hands while she thought of her comeback.

“You know when you get stroppy, your nose twitches?” she said, trying to ignore the fact it brought back memories of last night but only the ones before their little fight and although her body didn’t show it, her eyes did. “It’s very cute.”

Vanessa resisted the urged to bite her tongue. The sarcasm of Charity brought back the anger she felt for being abandoned this morning.

“I’ll get really cute if you don’t get out of my way.”

And like that, Charity let Vanessa go. Her defences telling her Vanessa was just another crazy who didn’t like her.

__

Vanessa ended up coming back later, of course she did. She couldn’t help it. It was her kind nature, damn it. She needed to talk things out. But when she saw Rhona and Paddy still in brewery and not talking to each other, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy to keep her own conversations under-wraps. “Hey,” Charity was quick to spot her. She only agreed to help Chas out so she could watch that door, see if Vanessa would come back and surprised when she did.

Well, maybe not that surprised, she knew she had a hold on the vet now and she’d be lying if she didn’t say it made her feel a bit smug about the situation. But she was going to be an adult. She didn’t want Vanessa being upset with her again.

“Um,” she started, grabbing the nearest thing to her, a beer mat to distract herself from the words coming out of her mouth. “I’m sorry about before, you know, winding you up.”

Still, Vanessa took no prisoners. “Isn’t that what you do?”

“I do a lot of things,” Charity’s eyes suddenly widening, surprised by her own admission but now she couldn’t stop those walls building again. Sarcasm and propositions of sex as a means of apology where the only ways of so-called affection she knew. “I’m free later if you want me to fill you in.”

Vanessa’s eyes were like clocks, a second passes and her expression can change. Charity knew she had said the wrong thing but didn’t know how to make it better. Vanessa had grown tired of the sarcasm for the day. She clearly wasn’t going to talk about issues in a public place so Vanessa was just going to have to wait until tonight. She had to walk away before she really started questioning what she was doing with Charity.

Charity let the vet see that smug smile but she didn’t let it last long as she questioned if she well and truly just fucked up her chances, for the lack of a better phrase.

__

Just like that, nine o’clock at night, just as Vanessa had changed into something more comfortable and settled down with a cuppa after a nightmare evening with Johnny who she knows had sensed her own frustration of the day and used it to test the last of patience, there was a knock at the door.

Vanessa suddenly cursed herself for throwing her hair in a messy bun, she probably looked a mess right now.

“Hey,” Charity said softly.

“Hey,” Vanessa without a second thought let her in.

Charity rubbed her hands together, they had been sweating on her walk to Tug Ghyll. “I just wanted to apologise—again—for earlier.”

Vanessa sighed. “I’m over it.”

“Really?” Charity cocked an eyebrow.

“I get it,” she said, walking over to sit on the couch. Charity followed. “I shouldn’t have been so forward. I get it’s only that between us and I’m fine, honestly. I just thought with it being so late and you had nowhere to be and maybe I was just jumping the gun and—“

“Now who’s making excuses?” Charity smirked.

She shifted closer to Vanessa, their knees touching. “I know I’m irresistible but I see there was no harm in what you said. Be honest, it was what I needed to hear. Maybe it’s where I’ve gone wrong all these years.”

Vanessa smiled. “All I’m saying is I told you it’s okay to stay, I didn’t asked for your hand in marriage. and I was upset you weren’t there in the morning.”

“I know,” Charity picked at a loose thread on the blanket Vanessa kept over her couch, laughing nervously. “I shouldn’t have. I got scared and didn’t want to face it.”

“Well, you’re here now,” Vanessa closed her hand over Charity’s. “You have tonight to make it up to me.”

“Oh, yeah?” Charity suddenly perked up. She leaned in closer to Vanessa, she could feel her breath on her face. “If that’s what you wanted, babe, you should have just said so. I’m not objecting it.I have no where to be in the morning.”

“Not like that!” Vanessa whacked Charity’s arm playfully. “We can spend the night together without sex, you know? Just enjoy each other’s company. Maybe talk some more.”

“Again, we have all night,” Charity took hold of Vanessa’s hands and moved her so she was laying on top of the blonde. “I can give you all three.”

“Don’t worry,” Vanessa smiled into the first kiss Charity gave her the night. “My alarm is already set for half-six.”

She referred to the tot upstairs.

“Of course it fucking is.”

That is what made Vanessa addicted to Charity, how easy she made her laugh.

#charity x vanessa #vanessa x charity #vanity #my fic #charity dingle #vanessa woodfield

[intertwined-fates]

07/26/2018 HELP 

Hello, fellow followers and other valued individuals who may be reading this. I dislike stooping to ask for help, but I'm currently at a loss. I'll be real with you and try to keep it brief. About a year ago, as you see in this instagram post I hit an extremely low point. I was losing everything. My family had broken apart. I lost my step-father, the one man who finally gave me a father after being abandoned by my biological one very young... and no, he didn't pass away.

The person I trusted with everything, my secrets, my fears, my hopes, and dreams... cheated on my mother after ten years and had been actively cheating on her for several months prior to when my mother found out. My best friend of nine years and our other mutuals abandoned me. They couldn't deal with my disorders anymore (psychotic depression, generalized anxiety disorder). My boyfriend at the time had been supportive as possible, but I knew deep in my heart that my depression was consuming me. I didn't like who I became when depressed... how could I put him through that side of me? I couldn't imagine a life without my family together. It shattered me and the only joy I had left was my daycare job. Even that was hard to hold onto, considering I worked a second job where employees, including myself, were sexually harassed.

August 6th, 2017 my mother and three younger siblings packed up to leave. A friend of my mother's and their family was allowing us to live with them while my mother worked her ass off earning money so we could move out and get away from what toxic environment our home had become. I stayed home and told them I'd make the drive later on my own. I didn't bother making up any excuses and they didn't push me to follow. Part of me was waiting for my stepdad to come back because I knew he would be showing up eventually... well, I was hiding in my room, waiting for him when I heard the door open. I heard him open the front door, then go into his bedroom and leave again. I wanted to call out and beg him to fix what he had done. I wanted him to confess all the wrongful doings he had done by cheating on my mother who loved him so unconditionally. I also wanted to scream at him for ruining what family I finally had in my heart. But, I didn't do any of that. I went out there and he offered to talk. I told him I didn't have anything to say. He left and I assumed he wouldn't come back. I wish he would have stayed and acknowledged the pain in my eyes.

That's when I lost myself. I realized I was home alone, I had alcohol, energy drinks, and my three prescriptions in the kitchen. I went into the bathroom and brought all of that, a hello kitty blanket, notebook, pen, and shut the door. I sat down and started to take the pills, counting as I swallowed them. I took twenty-five antidepressants including 25mg lamictal, 150mg wellbutrin, and 150mg of sertraline. I don't remember how many I took of each, but those were the dosages for each individual pill. As I took the pills, I tried to create a goodbye on the paper. I couldn't focus and my hands were so shaky. I tried to write how sorry I was and how I loved everyone. I ended up getting frustrated and scribbled all over the page. That's when it really set in. I was fucked. I was going to do severe damage to my kidneys or actually die if I stayed there. My mom and siblings were out of town by then. My stepdad was god knows where. I was alone and I was going to die. I didn't want to call an ambulance. I would be alone with strangers, then. So I walked outside, sat on the porch steps and started calling my stepdad. He didn't pick up. I tried over and over and he didn't pick up. I texted him what you see below. He almost hadn't come... which still scares me to think about what would have happened if he hadn't come.

I walked up to the car when he pulled up and got inside. I sat there and stared at the seat with my blanket wrapped around me. I then mumbled for him to take me to the hospital. Through the corner of my eye, I could see he was confused and I felt like he was angry at me... he asked me why and I told him what I had done. He said my name. I felt hopeless. He took me to the hospital and they made me change into a gown while a lady with glasses watched. They took my belongings and the lady laid me down on the bed. She started asking me why I did what I did and what I had done while my stepdad sat in a chair and watched them hook me up to different machines. Everything was so fuzzy to me. I felt like I was in between being alive and dead. My mother was called and she sped over an hour of distance to be by my side. She sat next to my stepdad and maybe this is twisted... but part of me hoped my failed attempt would bring them back together. At least, if I couldn't die... maybe my stepdad would realize how terrible of a decision he had made and would fix his mistake... but that didn't happen. He stayed in the room while they made me drink activated charcoal. Never fucking again... let me tell you. I've never tasted something so foul. Eventually, it made me throw up. The doctors told me I needed to throw up several times before they could do tests on me. Once I had thrown up many times, I fell asleep on and off in that room. When I woke up again, I was told I'd be going in a different hospital room. They moved me and explained I would stay overnight to be monitored. A guy was assigned to monitor me. I felt so uneasy. I couldn't sleep with him constantly staring at me. I  wanted to disappear and every time I tried to pretend he wasn't there my heart rate would rise which only attracted more attention. I was stuck... and at one point, my stepdad and mom weren't in the room. I overheard that they were arguing in the parking lot... my mom came back into the room and confirmed that my stepdad had left to go talk to his girlfriend (who he had cheated on my mom with). My mom was fighting for him to get back in the room... she knew how much it meant to me for him to be there and he ... just... abandoned me for some whore. No different than what my biological father had done to my sister and me as kids.

I am twenty now. A year has nearly passed since that day. I am doing better than I ever imagined I would be. I teach toddlers at a local daycare. I have my first in-person lesbian relationship with someone who really clicks with me. My mom has a new boyfriend who treats her like a literal queen. He even took in my dog since I'm not able to pay the pet fee in our trailer. I am happy with my job and my new girlfriend. My biggest concern is money. While I love my job, I am not paid the best. I drive a 2002 Volkswagen Jetta that I have spent well over 1,000 dollars in repairs since March of 2017. I really need to save for a new vehicle and due to my suicide attempt, am trying to pay off hospital bills. I currently owe $1,571.83. It was over 2,000 dollars but I have been paying when I can to pay it off. I also have to pay for college. I cannot sign up for classes until I pay a 278 dollar fee because I dropped Summer classes due to stress. I could really use the help. On top of that, I pay for other bills and my car is unreliable...

Anything helps and if you are unable to donate and managed to read this far... please take this experience of mine as a reminder. Your life is never worth taking. You should embrace your life. No matter how gloomy things look now, you never know when you'll get a positive plot twist. You ARE capable of living a great life. I believe in every single one of you. My inbox here is always open as well or you may dm me at come_aliv3 on instagram. <3

Link to Paypal.me: paypal.me/SydneySutton

#support #donation #donate #suicide #suicideawareness #medical #signal boost #help #love #depression #paypal #bills #hospital #thank you so much

[ontarioyoga]

What Is Vipassana Meditation Experience

New Post has been published on https://www.ontarioyoga.net/what-is-vipassana-meditation-experience/

What Is Vipassana Meditation Experience

The Back Story: How I First Learned Of Vipassana And Why I Put It Off For Years

Years ago our friend Jennie mentioned something about a silent meditation course retreat she’d taken. “It’s called Vipassana…ten days…no speaking…meditation…clear the mind…lots of traffic…it’s loud in the head…then peace.”

Those were among the tempting phrases and hooks I recall.

The term Vipassana means “to see things as they really are.” It’s a meditation method discovered by Gautama Siddhartha over 2,500 years ago.

S.N. Goenka, a Burmese man of Indian descent who one might say reintroduced Vipassana to the world in the 1970s, opened the first centers. Today, there are more than 190 Vipassana centers around the world. His instructions and lessons are played during the course, the structure of which is identical regardless of the location: 10 days of silence, meditation from 4:00 A.M. and 9:00 P.M. with breaks for meals and rest in between.

Audrey and I were both sold on the idea, but I felt I had some physical impediments to overcome, including an inability to properly sit cross-legged. I could not fold my right leg in; I always sat leaning to the right or with my right leg kicked out. Whenever I visited a Buddhist temple during my travels, I was invariably whose feet pointed in transgression at the Buddha, the altar, or the monks.

I never characterized myself as someone with chronic pain. When you have it, chronic pain is something you just learn to live with.

If I waited until I felt “ready” I’d never go.

Yes, this.

It was time.

Wait What Is The Purpose Of A Silent Meditation Retreat And Why Should I Do One

No speaking, no distractions, and a very uncomfortable living situation. Why would anyone do a 10 day meditation course under these conditions? The point of all this is to create an environment that is conducive to introspection and that will test your limits. And don’t worry, you don’t have to sleep on a straw mattress like I did.

A meditation retreat for beginners is the perfect way to kickstart your regular meditation practice. You will have the opportunity to learn a meditation technique in depth and have direct insight on how to overcome common obstacles. In any case, I recommend you get started BEFORE your retreat and start meditating at home.

Can I Take The Vipassana Course With A Spouse Partner Boyfriend Or Girlfriend

The intent of the course is to focus on oneself, so the idea that you are taking the course with someone else or you have “company” becomes irrelevant once the course begins. In fact, it may be distracting.

Ideally, you and your partner set off at the same time and attend different centers and return together with a comparable, yet personal and differentiated experience. And most importantly, a new, shared vocabulary.

What Should You Take Into Account When Choosing A Silent Meditation Retreat

A good resource to find a Vipassana meditation course near you is the dhamma.org website. Keep reading for all my tips for finding good Vipassana meditation retreats:

Don’t overthink it, if you want to do a retreat, you found one that you resonate with, and the timing is right, go for it! It will be hard in any case and will bring you way outside your comfort zone, but you won’t regret it.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my Vipassana review and mindfulness meditation course and I motivated you to do a meditation retreat! Have you done a retreat before? How did you pick it? Share your meditation retreat experience!

You can follow me on and connect with me.

Before you go, don’t forget to get the meditation mini-course!

My Exhausting Meditation Retreat: 10 Days Of Vipassana Silence And Spiders

I went to New Zealand to break my brain and put it back together, without ever having meditated before. I had no idea what I was in for

Last modified on Wed 20 Sep 2017 19.28 BST

I signed up for a Vipassana course in a moment of quiet desperation. I was coming up on close to a year of insomnia. I found myself exhausted by the anxiety of not sleeping, yet unable to find any meaningful rest. For the first time in my life I was having panic attacks. Nightly, they were triggered by the dawning realization that sleep would elude me yet again.

I was also dealing with chronic pain. A bad accident as a kid followed by a series of rib fractures and back injuries over the years generated a state of permanent hurt made worse with the lack of sleep and an excess of cortisol.

I chose this specific course, which took place in New Zealand, because despite the trendiness of meditation classes and apps, Vipassana seemed to be about equanimity, discipline and hard work – right up my alley. I am not the most woo woo of humans, and the idea of a giant drum circle of positive thinkers made me want to run away screaming.

I told my friend I wanted to break my brain and put it back together again

While descended from Buddhism, the modern-day courses are secular in nature. The father of these retreats is the late , who was raised in Myanmar and learned Vipassana from monks there.

She disagreed.

“No, it’s like running a marathon having never run before. Jodi are you doing to yourself?”

Where I Took My Course: The Dhamma Malaya Vipassana Center In Malaysia

I’m going to resist keeping this place a secret, all to myself. I thought the center and its facilities were excellent. I had my own room, for which I was grateful.

Having said all that, the center is not luxurious, nor is it supposed to be. It’s not a spa. It’s basic. Your ten days are to be lived simply.

For me, taking the course in the hot season was great. I could pack very light . Additionally, all that I achieved physically was helped along greatly by the stretching I’d done, which I find becomes much easier in the heat.

So Sober Its Psychedelic My Vipassana Meditation Retreat Experience Dec 30, 2019

I can’t remember the first time I decided I wanted to sit in a room and meditate silently for ten days. I only remember meeting people again and again who I respected and admired who spoke highly of their experiences.

Like any self-development junkie, I was eager to sample all the different strains of self work. Vipassana was attractive to me because it offered the purest base level of the human experience.

No mantras, no words, no coaches, no incantations, no self talk or weird breathing — just you and your breath and your body, silent and still for ten days.

My justification boiled down to “I’m gonna be stuck in a room with myself for the rest of my life, so I might as well see what that’s like without anyone else in it.”

The trouble was finding the time — ten days is a long time in the modern world of scant vacation days and cheap international flights. I had signed up twice in years past only to cancel a few weeks later after other plans arose.

This August, I managed to stick to my reservation during a period of unemployment which coincided with the week of Burning Man, when half my social circles were already offline anyways.

I remember reading their packing list and uneasily noticing all the things I normally packed for trips that weren’t coming this time: sunscreen, fun clothing, Kindle, computer, snacks, toys, the list went on.

Vipassana Meditation : A Candid Review Of What To Expect By Ankita S

What does the 10-days Vipassana Meditation feel like? Here’s a candid experience of what to expect from this profound spiritual retreat.

The secrets of the universe and its working has amazed me since childhood! And somehow, my gut instinct always asked me to get into meditation, though I ignored its whisper. However, I was forced to listen to it once I had some severe health complications. This finally led me to explore the hidden world of Vipassana meditation. And here’s my experience.

I don’t know why I expected some magic to see once I started meditating. Though there were moments of peace, and calm, I was looking for something else, something more maybe! And that led me to explore Vipassana through a retreat.

Do You Have To Stay Silent For 10 Days During A Meditation Retreat

Yes, you can’t speak during a silent meditation retreat, but I felt this was the best part of it! When was the last time you didn’t speak for a full day? If you can’t remember, that’s normal, we are always speaking. Afraid you won’t be able to wait to share your stories and experience during your retreat? There are often regular “office hours” with teachers and a time to share at the end. You’ll also make a LOT of eye contact with other participants.

But silent means also silent from distractions to create space for self-discovery and awareness. So no phones, computers, books, writing… Yes, no Instagram for 10 days.

I had done yoga retreats, and spent tech-free time in nature before, but never to such an extent. There are so many distractions in our everyday lives and it feels so good to have no way of checking in with the outside world. This was the perfect digital detox experience for me and since then, most of my notifications are off and I am more aware of my tech usage.

What Is Vipassana Meditation A Beginners Guide To Getting Started

A lot of people have major misconceptions about what meditation is and how it can be practiced in a way that makes you happy. I’m not talking about sitting on the floor with your legs crossed, chanting “Ommm.” I’m talking about Vipassana meditation which has been practiced for thousands of years in the Buddhist tradition.

The word “Vipassana” literally means “to see things as they truly are.” It’s a form of meditation that involves sitting cross-legged, focusing on your breath, and silencing all other distractions – no technology or reading allowed! Read more to learn about how this practice can change your life.

Ultimately Vipassana Meditation Technique Is About Seeing Reality

To see reality, we practice paccakkha, which means “perceptible to the senses”. In other words, we see things as their sensory experience. 

I personally like the explanation given by Henepola Gunaratana. He said that Vipassana is about “Looking into something with clarity and precision, seeing each component as distinct and separate”.

Think about it like this. At any given time, you have different thoughts, sensations, and feelings flowing through your mind. However, most of the time, you are likely too distracted to perceive these thoughts clearly. And so, they go on while you are largely unconscious of them.

Vipassana meditation enables us to see thoughts, sensations, and feelings for what they are, for their sensory experiences. This gives us power over them, so we are less reactive, less emotional, and more in control.

The method is currently in vogue, riding on the back of the mindfulness movement. And that’s a good thing because it is one of the best Buddhist meditations.

 Although it is a serious method, beginners can practice vipassana at home.

Are You Allowed To Exercise Or Do Yoga During A Vipassana Course

Simply put, no. We were advised not to do any other form of exercise during the course. I thought this would be difficult for me, as I am used to doing some kind of physical exercise daily. After a few days, I was fine with it. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else but walk to and from my room to the meditation hall to the dining hall. During the breaks, we were allowed to walk around the center grounds, which were actually very beautiful and peaceful. The center that I went to in Triebel, Germany had small areas blocked off where we could wander in the woods and in a small field with a pond. It was nice and refreshing to be out in nature and truly made me realize how much I was missing out on in my daily life by just blocking out all the sensations of sight and sound by wearing headphones on my way to work and other appointments. You just stop noticing everything and block out the noise, replacing it with other noise.

What Is Vipassana Meditation Top 4 Benefits + How To Practice It

February 9, 2020

Health Benefits

When it comes to meditation, there are many ways to do it. What is the Vipassana meditation technique , and how does it differ from other types?

Vipassana means “to see things as they really are.” This practice, described as an “art of living,” dates back at least 2,500 years to ancient India.

Similar to mindfulness meditation, it involves training one’s mind through completion of certain exercises in order to increase awareness of one’s own experiences.

Although this form of meditation has been practiced in the U.S. since the 1960s, in recent years the popularity of Vipassana meditation retreats and courses has skyrocketed. Thousands of people attend Vipassana classes each year in hopes of “seeing the true nature of existence,” better managing stress, and improving their focus, productivity, relationships and health.

How Were Your First And Second Course Different From One Another

Facility comparison

My first time was at Dhamma Bhumi in NSW, Australia which is an official centre and the second time in Markopoulo was a non-centre and so having one meditation room that is used exclusively for Vipassana meditation 365 days a year holds a much more powerful and supportive/ inspiring energy than a centre that is used for other activities/ purposes for most of the year.

Official centres tend to have better facilities too but in Australia, for example, there is a pagoda facility for old students to meditate in, with small individual dark rooms. Because they own the land, more can be invested in the centre and indeed, it often is.

Humble living: you will be living like a monk/ nun— on the charity of others. These ‘free’ retreats are not like your lavish 2000$ vacation retreats, you are here to live humbly, and do the work. Materialism ain’t no thing here, so leave your ego at the door and find deep gratitude for how purely this organization is run.

Food comparison

It was great at both centers, but the Aussie location .

Water comparison

We drank tap water in Australia and it tasted so bad that I could only drink tea to mask the taste. I would fill my glass water bottle with tea and drink that throughout the day hot or cold because the taste of chlorine, etc, made me yelped for joy when they announced it.

New student vs. old student: a few differences between being a new .

Are You Allowed To Write Or Journal During Vipassana Meditation

I was hoping the answer to this question would be yes, but again, it was a no. I’m still not sure why, but I think it’s mainly because you’re supposed to keep all the ideas, thoughts, and emotions in your own head. If you write them down on paper, they escape you, and it prevents you from really confronting anything. This was also difficult for me at the start, as I tend to journal pretty regularly. The adjectives I can remember now off the top of my head are pain, discomfort, progress, bliss, boredom, anger, determination, and calm.

Vipassana Meditation Technique Is All About Cultivating Insight

When you practice Vipassana meditation you are creating insight into true reality. Specifically, insight into anicca , which are the “three marks of existence” in Theravada Buddhism. Also, sunyata, which is “emptiness” in Mahayana Buddhism.

Let me explain the “three marks of existence”:

Dukkha : We all feel Dukkha. It is the idea that life doesn’t give us what we want and that everything is always changing. Because we never experience complete satisfaction, we always feel Dukkha.  

Anatta : This is the idea that there is no fixed soul, no fixed sense of self. We are always changing.  

Anicca : This is simply the observation that everything is always changing.  

What Is Vipassana The Technique The Retreats And The Philosophy

July 21, 2021

Vipassana, or insight meditation as the practice is also known, has enjoyed widespread popularity in recent years, with many people attending the gruelling ten-day courses that are available across the globe.

Like many of the popular techniques of meditation that have found their way to the west, Vipassana is a traditional Buddhist practise that has been taught in India for thousands of years, possibly since the time of Buddha.

The Vipassana technique aims to teach the meditator about the true nature of reality through direct experience of the body, feelings and mind.

Did I Have Any Magical Experiences During My Vipassana Retreat

Before I decided to book my Vipassana, I had read many blogs on it, and people talked about how they healed from backache, migraine in just 10 days.

While I did not expect my health issue to get resolved in just 10 days, I did expect ‘something’, a little magic maybe. And that happened on the third day!

In the afternoon when I was concentrating on my breath, I felt my right hand shaking. It’s easy to distinguish between a shaking due to weakness, and shaking due to something more powerful.

As I saw it, I was scared from the meditation experience. I guess fear was not needed at that moment. Because the moment I was afraid, the experience stopped! I kept feeling magical for the next many minutes.

And I can assure you that it was the latter. I experienced that ‘something more powerful’ in my right hand. When I l opened my eyes to look at what’s happening, it was still shaking, and nothing was not in my control.

When I told my teacher about that experience, she said, ‘Observe it!’

Well, her reply did not make me happy at that time, but now that I see it, that’s what Vipassana is all about. Observing.

Was it easy?? No, it was not!

Along with the few magical moments I had, there were a few painful moments too. Like on the seventh day, I could feel the heat inside my body. My stomach and lung area had some fire as if it would burn me from inside.

Why You Should Practice Vipassana Meditation Technique At Home

Many people make a huge mistake when meditating: They practise at retreats.

You are far better off learning how to do Vipassana meditation technique at home.

Why?  Because most of the stimuli that affect you are at home.

Loud voices

If you’re in the city, the constant noise

Vipassana meditation technique teaches us to be less reactive to those stimuli. But to train the mind effectively, we must meditate where those things occur.

Buddha did not isolate himself in a beautiful hall where there were no distractions and no unpleasantness. He sat in the forest, in the village, even around death. Only by exploring his mind in these everyday environments could he liberate himself.

Today we want to be free from the negative aspects of home, work, and, you know, life. If you want to truly liberate your mind, meditate in your everyday life.  

Day 0: Arriving At The Center And Meeting My Fellow Meditators

For day 0, participants were told to arrive for check-in between 2pm and 5pm before a dinner would be served at 6pm.

On my way to the meditation center, I met my first co-meditator. To my surprise, he was a completely normal guy – no long beard, no hippie glasses, no sandals, no flower necklace, no peace tattoo.

I was positively surprised and we hit it off right away. He was about my age, a serial entrepreneur, an avid reader, and an overall cool dude.

Even better, he had very little previous experience with meditation and was simply there because a friend had recommended it to him. “Phew,” I thought, “there’s no way this guy is better prepared than I am. What a relief! I won’t be the only one struggling.”

Upon arrival at the center, we were told to fill out some required paperwork and to hand in our smartphones and other non-allowed items. After that, I made my way to the room I got assigned for the next ten days. One of my three roommates was already there as I entered – another down-to-earth, intelligent, and cool dude. One roommate after the other arrived and we had a great chat before heading for the dining hall for our last dinner in ten days.

These first meetings with my co-meditators really quenched my nerves and boosted my optimism for the coming ten days. These were normal people just like me. They had no idea what to expect either. And they were just as excited/anxious as I was.

This Is What Happened After 100 Hours Of Meditation In 10 Days

Imagine, for a moment, being whisked away to a large, nondescript building amongst the rolling hills of the British countryside. Upon arrival, you are stripped of your belongings. No phone, no books, no pen, no paper. You are left with nothing but your clothes and toiletries. Then, for the next 10 days, you wake up at 4:30 a.m. and complete 10 hours of meditation, every day. You’re not allowed to talk to anyone other than your teacher, and there’s no eye contact or bodily contact allowed. 

What I’ve just described may sound like a literal hell to some, but for me, it was a welcomed escape from the hyperstimulation of my day-to-day activities. I finally had time to go completely inwards and work on overcoming the cravings and aversions of my mind. Surprisingly, tens of thousands of people across the world, from all walks of life, sign up for these 10-day vipassana meditation courses every year.

The most recent course I attended ran over the New Year’s holiday period, which, for most people, is a time when they reflect on the past year and make “resolutions” for changing their habits or behaviour during the coming year. But I feel that without going inwards, it’s pretty tricky to actually figure out what has been draining your energy and holding you back, making it impossible to know what you really need to change about yourself. This is why I went back to attend my second course. You learn more about yourself every single time. 

What Happens During A Vipassana Meditation Retreat:internally

Although the structure of the course is a set structure, what goes on is a whole other story. You are going to have your own experience, but I’ll share a few of mine because from what I hear— many people have similar experiences.

FYI this is where sesame seeds come from .

Crazy ass thoughts: Honestly I brought myself to tears of silent laughter at some of the thoughts that came up while in meditation. Things like where do sesame seeds come from? Or wondering what my arm hair looks like and how weird it is women shave their legs but not their arms. Also why does leg/arm/ eyebrow hair only grow to a certain length but hair on the head grows indefinitely? May times I imagined myself singing along to the chanting in my head and imaging myself perform in a full blown bollywood music video. Like total madness. The key is that when you catch yourself going down one of these rabbit holes, go back to your breath . It’s impossible to completely eradicate your monkey brain, but when you catch yourself don’t continue to indulge, and get back to work.

Understanding The Physical Requirements Of A Vipassana Course

If the thought of sitting cross-legged seems physically daunting and too painful to bear, there’s the possibility of using back rests or even a chair. In other words, your perceived physical limitations should not deter you from taking the course.

And know this: I did it. Sure, I was athletic and ran road races and climbed mountains. But I could barely touch my knees, let alone my toes. And you already know about my fusilli pasta spine.

Despite that, I’m glad I toughed it out on the ground on my meditation cushion, for I’m almost certain I wouldn’t have achieved the results — physical, mental, or emotional — had I done otherwise. During the course, you have 10 days to experiment and plumb the depths of what you can withstand and achieve.

What Is Vipassana Meditation Also Known As Insight Meditation

Before we get into the details of vipassana meditation, some important background about how this practice ties into the story of Headspace: In his early twenties, co-founder Andy Puddicombe left his Sports Science studies and became a Buddhist monk. For over 10 years, he studied meditation in Nepal, India, Burma, Thailand, Australia, and Russia.

After leaving the monastery with a desire to make meditation more mainstream, Andy arrived in London, which is where Headspace was first born, delivering meditations and teachings rooted in both the Burmese and Tibetan Buddhist traditions, while remaining true to the lineage that first inspired the app.

All Headspace meditation techniques incorporate elements of both “Samatha” meditation, though some of the technique names have changed from their original translation to help make them more accessible. The guided meditations in the Headspace app make meditation easy to understand and follow, even if you are completely new to the practice. Additionally, all Headspace meditations and exercises have an altruistic intention at their core, ensuring that both awareness and compassion are being trained at the same time.

You do not need to know and understand the background of Vipassana or Buddhist meditation in order to use the Headspace app to meditate. However, if you are interested in learning more about Vipassana meditation, read on.

Start your free trial

The Benefits of Vipassana aka Insight Meditation

Vipassana Meditation Technique: Everything You Need To Know

In this guide, we will look at how to do Vipassana meditation technique at home. We’ll cover the Vipassana meditation script and its benefits.  

As a meditation teacher, I personally use this method for twenty minutes every single day. And it is also one of the main methods I teach in my online meditation lessons. Spiritually speaking, it is a vital method on the pathway to enlightenment. 

From my personal experience and my experience teaching this method, I can say that it seriously helps with health and happiness. Because it gives insight into the mind, it helps us control thoughts and feelings.  

Many people learn Vipassana meditation at retreats. However, in my experience, it is better to do Vipassana at home. When you practise Vipassana meditation at home you gain insight into your mind in your day-to-day life. 

Let me show you how to do Vipassana at home. And you might like to read my awesome guide to Buddhist Meditations.

Vipassana Meditation: An Experience Of The Power Of Silence

Our world is a very noisy place, both externally and internally. Externally, the sounds of various machines, technologies, and gadgets are all around us, such as cars, radios, blenders, TVs, smartphone notifications, and you name it. Internally, our minds are in constant states of chaotic thinking and ruminating that prevent us from experiencing true peace and silence.

Noise does not need to be a negative thing, but it can be when there is no silence to balance it out. So what if we were to step away from some of this noise, if only for a bit? Would we act differently? Think differently? Experience life differently? Would we perhaps allow a deeper clarity into our life? Deeper insight? A deeper knowing?

Moving away from the noise and into more silence, which normally births more mindful thinking and awareness can be highly transformational. In our Western world, we normally think of meditation when we wish to experience such states of being. However, in other cultures periods of silence and mindful awareness are a natural part of each day that help to balance out our mind, body, and spirit.

#5 Start Meditating At Home Before You Go For The Retreat

If you are new to meditation, and you want to start by going to this retreat, you are doomed. It will be very tough, and most probably you will leave the course in between.

Until and unless you haven’t practiced any kind of meditation at home previously, I won’t advise you to go for this intense practice.

Maybe you can start practicing at home 3-6 months prior to registration. This way sitting one hour continuously for a session won’t be tough. Here are to get you started with your home practice.

A Little Reflection Vipassana Meditation: Was It Worth It

In the months and years since I took a ten-day Vipassana Meditation course in Nepal,  friends and readers have asked me to share my thoughts, now that I have distance from the experience. I jotted a few sparse notes during the course, and journaled on Day Eleven to chronicle my ten-days in a Vipassana course. Those entries shared the raw thoughts and feelings as I processed each day of meditation and course teachings. During the course, I was deep in the middle of the pain and difficulty. There was little room for reflection.

How to Apply to a Vipassana Course:

An Arachnophobe Walks Into A Vipassana Meditation Course

When I was two, a family member took me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. I had nightmares about spiders for years, waking up screaming in the middle of the night. My arachnophobia has never waned, and I am ashamed to admit that it has dictated some of my travel plans.

Before the meditation course began I worried about the long days of silence. I did not worry about spiders. This was a mistake. The course was on a bird sanctuary outside Auckland, and I arrived only to find that spiders carpeted the wooden buildings, inside and out.

When you take a Vipassana course, you agree to abide by five precepts: no killing, no stealing, no lying, no sexual misconduct and no intoxicants. No writing, no talking, no eye contact, no communicating.

At the end of day one, I noticed a daddy longlegs struggling on the carpet but heading toward the door. I reached for the course schedule, only to realize I was about to kill something with a document that says you won’t kill anything.

Instead, I took a deep breath, skirted around the creature, and opened my door. I stood there silently cheering its departure from my room.

In the meditation hall, daddy longlegs dropped from the ceiling, feeding my anxiety. Huge black spiders dotted the corner of the room where we picked up our pillows, watching over us as we shuffled into yet another meditation session.

I fantasized about flinging off my pillows and running through the hall, screaming like a banshee

It was progress.

Day 6 To 9 Equanimity And Determination Put To The Test

On the 6th day, I woke up sick. My throat hurt, my head throbbed painfully and my nose was clogged. I had a cold and couldn’t distract myself from it. I had to meditate through it.

The meditations were very hard and paying to my sensations made them seem a worse. I had no trouble feeling sensations every part of my body, but I couldn’t maintain equanimity. My cold bothered me, especially when coughing during the group meditations. I barely managed to stay still for more than about 15 minutes during the “meditations of strong determination”.

I slowly made it through the day, but my condition wasn’t improving. I made it clear to myself that I wasn’t leaving the Vipassana course. Unpleasant sensations were not going to win!

On day 7, I was feeling even worse. Despite this, I was strangely enthusiastic at the idea of meditating through my bad feelings and saw the cold more as a challenge and opportunity than an enemy.

“Okay, I know I have a cold and stuff, but if I’m able to meditate through it without judging it, I’ll be able to go through a lot of other things, so I have to do it!”

“These are only sensations, these are only sensations…”

*Watches sensations, start perceiving them in an objective way*

“YEAH! I’m doing it, %?/* YOU, COLD!”

*Loses peace of mind, sensations become overwhelming*

“Ah, crap. Back to square one!”

When I woke up the next morning, there was absolutely no trace of my cold.

What Is Vipassana Meditation And How Can You Practice It

Affiliate disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

You might have ever heard of  meditation. It’s a kind of meditation practice that’s often talked about amongst meditation practitioners and gaining popularity in the world.

More and more people are interested in vipassana meditation and eager to learn and try it out. That’s one of the reasons for its gaining popularity. Nowadays, vipassana retreats are conducted regularly around the world.

What is vipassana meditation? What’s so unique about it?

Those are the questions I get asked a lot.

My first vipassana retreat was back in 2009. Since then, I’ve attended several more. I’m a big fan of it. And, I’ve been practicing daily ever since.

So, in this post, I’ll share with you what I’ve been learning so far to answer those questions as best as I can, what vipassana meditation is, and how you can practice it.

Vipassana is a term often translated as insight or clear-seeing.

It is deeply rooted in the Buddhist tradition.

But, because of its universal essence, its practitioners come from many different spiritual and religious backgrounds. That’s the fact I always found in retreats I attended. A lot of the participants I met are not Buddhist.

You don’t need to be a Buddhist to practice vipassana.

We practice not clinging to and not rejecting any object.

Difference Between Vipassana & Other Forms Of Meditation

The Buddhist Meditation practices are mainly of two forms – and . While Vipassana is based on insight or clear awareness, Samatha includes concentration or mental focus.

Vipassana is insight meditation whereas Samatha is a meditation of tranquility.

The most common types of meditation are based on Samatha. In this form, the meditator will focus on types of meditative objects of meditation such as – images, chants, particular items, prayers, or a candle flame to clear the mind.

To master Vipassana it takes years of practice. The meditator achieves a state in which he is not perturbed by any external influences.

Studies have shown both of these forms help the meditator to quiet their minds and improve their mental capacity. The ultimate goal for all forms of meditation is liberation. It is the stage when the spiritual transformation is complete.

What Is It Like On The Other Side Of A Vipassana Course

The course kicked my ass. Raw feelings bubbled up throughout the intense ten days. I started the course cautious and fearful of what it would be like. Then I had anger and resentment during the middle. By the final day, I swelled with well-being and happiness.

I feel proud that I was able to complete the course. This was one of the hardest obstacles in my life to complete. Growing up I was a dilettante. And while usually that’s one of the cornerstones of being a child—experimenting, learning, and discovering new interests—changing interests so frequently impacted my personal self-views. I have always considered myself a quitter.

Back in the day, I loved synchronized swimming. I even won state and national awards. Then I quit that and moved onto tap dancing. Tap wasn’t as fun as jazz, which then gave way to pottery. Then there was that brief stint in ballet, then Irish dance, followed by several years of piano lessons. I dabbled in art, more styles of dance, and went back to competitive Irish dance in high school. All that took a backseat to theatre—the only thing I stuck with. Until I didn’t; I left my LA acting career to travel the world.

And in staying, I proved to myself that I was strong enough to honor my commitment.

Many have wondered if I kept Vipassana as a part of my life. Do I still practice the technique, which requires two hours a day of silent meditation?

Vipassana: My Experience With Serene Meditation Retreat

Jun 1, 2020·4 min read

Vipassana meditation retreat was a transformative experience of my life. In the midst of life’s struggles and personal crisis, I found this gift of meditation.

Vipassana has brought equilibrium and serenity to my cluttered mind. It has been more than a year I have been practicing meditation regularly and attended three courses so far.

Although nothing in my life has changed miraculously since I started Vipassana, I have control over the level of stress and no signs of anxiety. I struggled with migraines for a few years until I started meditating religiously. Vipassana has made migraines a rare occurrence which troubled me often before last year.

Vipassana has healed my mind and made life better. And with more meditation practice, I look for a meaningful journey ahead. It is worth emphasizing that meditation is a personal experience, and the outcomes can be unique and relative if not similar for every practitioner.

The ten day course

At Vipassana meditation center, the day starts with a wake-up bell ringing at 4 AM, and meditation begins at 4:30 AM. The day ends around 9 PM after approximately ten hours of meditation and discourse by the guru in the evening.

Anapana and Vipassana

Mind is constantly wandering in the past and future than focusing on the present. Living in the present and observing the breath is the first step to calm the mind for Vipassana. The ten-day course starts with meditation, and starts fourth day onwards.

Meditate and be happy

Why Did I Immerse Myself Into An Environment Of Silence

People attend Vipassana courses for many different reasons. I met people who looked for ways to overcome their addictions, others longed to solve their sleeping disorders. For me, I was eager to get a deeper understanding of meditation and learn more about myself. As someone who is always looking for new challenges and opportunities for growth, this seemed like the perfect environment to spend my Christmas break.

Over time, I had come across a number of people who shared their Vipassana experience with me, inspiring me to find out for myself what it is all about. So eventually, I felt the call to embark on this journey and signed up for a women’s-only retreat that took place over the Christmas period in the hinterland of the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. While I already had some experience in meditation, I didn’t really know what to expect in the upcoming 10 days, far away from civilisation.

Disclaimer: Nothing You Read Here Will Do This Justice

Both the Buddha and Goenka stress the importance of direct experience, which is a welcome change from other gurus preaching their truth as the only true way. They explicitly say “Take this and try it on and see if it works for you — but don’t believe it until you’ve lived it yourself.” There are even 3 different types of wisdom in Buddhism to relate to these — known, believed, and lived.

Vipassana and Buddhism are all about living truly present in the moment, without cravings, aversions, ignorance, memories, expectations, or future plans. So remember that everything you read here may make your meditation that much harder in the moment: “Wait, I’m not experiencing what Corey experienced!”.

If you’re anything like me though, you’ll read on anyways, as I did all the blog posts of those who came before me, and I still had a great time. So let’s go!

Did You Microdose While There Or Take Any Psychedelics

I considered it, but no, I did not and I will not. It’s a rule not to take any drugs, and although I don’t consider it a “drug” — psilocybin alter your state of consciousness. The reason I wanted to microdose while there was to lower my sensory gate perception, because mushrooms do that, and a key part of Vipassana is the ability to feel subtle sensations on the body. It no doubt help, but the more important part of Vipassana is observing life as it it, not as you wish it were. So, in weighing the pros and cons, it was quickly clear to me that using any external ‘aids’ to achieve deeper states of meditation was actually completely against the purpose and would set me back. You want to honour where you’re at in that moment, and watch your success come from doing the work.

Learn more about microdosing

Registering For The Course An Unexpected First Hurdle

I expected registration for a course to be a quick and hassle-free process. I was wrong. In the end, it took approximately 7 months from decision to do a course until actually enrolling and participating in one.

You see, Vipassana courses are popular. Much more popular than I thought. Registration to 10-day courses usually opens three months before the course starts and it’s not uncommon that courses fill up within a few days of opening up registration.

And it’s not like these courses take place 3x per month. It’s more like one course every 4-6 weeks. Long story short, I missed out on courses a couple of times until I finally managed to register on time and get accepted for the course from sep-19 to sep-30.

Why Did I Choose To Participate In A Vipassana Course

Before we get to my detailed experience of the ten-day retreat, I want to give you an understanding of why I chose to go through this in the first place. People go on such retreats for numerous different reasons. For me, the main reason was the proven scientific track record of meditation.

And by track record I mean the science-backed benefits of meditation. According to books and articles I’ve read on the topic, some of those benefits include:

Improved immune function, decreased inflammation, many other improved health markers

Decreased anxiety, depression, stress

Increased positive emotions, decreased negative emotions, more happiness

Improved relationships, increases in social connection, less feelings of loneliness

Improved focus and attention, memory, creative thinking

Improved self-control, emotion regulation, concentration, introspection

Meditation has been shown in multiple studies to physically alter the structures of your brain, increasing grey matter, growing cortical thickness, and increasing volume in areas related to self-control, emotion regulation, positive emotions, and paying attention.

If you’re interested in living a healthy, happy, successful, and fulfilling life, there’s hardly a better use of your time than meditation. I’ve said on numerous occasions that mindfulness is the #1 skill anyone can learn in life – and mindfulness is best cultivated through the practice of meditation.

Spiritual Benefits Of Vipassana Meditation Technique

Vipassana meditation has significant spiritual benefits. In fact, it is the best meditation for gaining insight into the true nature of reality. 

When we practise Vipassana meditation technique daily we gradually awaken.  

Plus, when you learn how to do Vipassana meditation , you will notice what’s going on inside your mind while you’re living your everyday life. In fact, doing Vipassana at home is better than doing it at a retreat.  When you practise at a retreat you only see what’s going on in your mind when you’re at the retreat. That’s not very useful! Contrastingly, gaining insight into your mind in your everyday life is invaluable. And that is why you’re smart for learning how to do Vipassana meditation at home.

Part 3 Of 3:overcoming Distractions While Meditating

“smallUrl”:”https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/6\/6e\/Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg\/v4-460px-Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”\/images\/thumb\/6\/6e\/Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg\/aid6822382-v4-728px-Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=\”mw-parser-output\”><p>License: <a target=\”_blank\” rel=\”nofollow noreferrer noopener\” class=\”external text\” href=\”https:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc-sa\/3.0\/\”>Creative Commons<\/a><br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>”1Focus briefly on distractions. Whenever there is an outside noise, any sort of disturbance, you should consciously and immediately focus awareness towards that sound. Just as you labeled the rising and falling of the abdomen, label the exterior sound in your mind.XResearch source

The process can be free of thought, just allowing the mind to focus on the surroundings. If you’re distracted, refocus on your breathing until you can establish a calm understanding of smaller sounds around you.

Tips On Getting Started With Vipassana Meditation:

To get started with Vipassana Meditation, you can work with me or you can begin to practice on your own, below are some tips to get you started.

– Choose a time when you’ll be able to practice consistently

– Prepare your space. Find a room in your house that can be designated for meditation only, and keep it free of distractions such as TV’s, computers, or phones

– Set a timer for 20 minutes and start!

– Sit with your legs crossed if possible. Palms one on top of the other in your lap. If you cannot sit with your legs crossed then find a position that you can sit comfortably, don’t create or further physical ailments in this process. how you sit is not as important as you might think.

– Focus on your breath or teach the abdomen, and allow yourself to be. Note the thoughts and emotions as they arise for what they are “Noting” is acknowledging what truly is within and allowing it to be recognized, this is a game-changer as your practice grows. When the thought, emotion, or feeling has passed return to the breath or the rising and falling of the abdomen.

Can You Bring Your Own Food/ Make Dietary Requests

No to bringing your own food, and to making dietary requests. Understand that if everyone did this, the courses could not exist. Distinguish between dietary requirements and dietary preferences. Do I eat gluten in real life: no. Am I allergic to gluten: also no. There are often options, and you can navigate the meals to avoid certain things, but unless you’re allergic: don’t make requests. Doing so will absolutely harm your practice, because living like a monk/ nun means living on the charity of others. If you want to truly surrender to the experience, you need to let go of your daily life neuroses. Beggars can’t be choosers, and when you accept the free food prepared by love by volunteers who are serving you selflessly and preparing food made with love, the alchemy is incredible and you will feel wonderful, I promise.

How Is It Different From Other Types Of Meditation

People often wonder what difference there is between Vipassana meditation and transcendental meditation or even mindfulness. And while some may think they are very similar, there are clear distinctions in all of them.

Vipassana meditation is about becoming insightful through self observation and enquiries of the self and life.

Transcendental meditation, on the other hand, uses a mantra to help you transcend to the source of thought.

Mindfulness meditation is about being mindful of your thoughts and feelings without interfering, mentally, and living in the present moment.

Ten Day Vipassana Meditation Course: My Experience

You can find a slightly shorter version of this post  in case you don’t want all the detail, though I’d recommend reading the full version if you have the time. If you’re thinking about taking the course, might be helpful to read too. 

I just came back from a 10-day Vipassana course. It was a unique and tough experience full of ups and downs, and very different from what I expected.

I’d been interested in meditation for a few years,  but hadn’t had the discipline to put it into practice. I chose this course because it’s a 10-day immersive course with no communication throughout. No phones, no talking to the other meditators. Not even any eye contact or gestures. I liked the idea of the lack of distraction. Other than that I have to admit I didn’t know too much about this specific course before I went, and that became apparent as soon as I got there!

Upon arrival, we made a vow to live by a number of rules, most of them not too taxing: no killing, stealing, lying, or intoxicants, and complete sexual abstinence. We also agreed not to leave before the end of the course.

Each day of the course started with a gong at 4 AM and finished with a talk at 9:30 PM, with around 11 hours of meditation in between. The rest of the time was made up of meal and rest breaks.

Ok so far. I can swallow that.

Hmm, ok. A little far fetched, but just maybe there’s a meaningful analogy there.

Some things I’ve noticed since leaving the course yesterday:

To be continued…

How Much Does A Vipassana Meditation Retreat Cost

Vipassana is technically free, in that you don’t pay anything to attend. There are many reasons for this, one of which is that it allows you to develop the P?ram? and even the teachers volunteer their time, because Dhamma is too important to set a financial restriction on

Donations are pure and are only accepted by old students, who have completed at least one 10 day Vipassana. They are based on means which is one of the fundamental pillars on which enlightenment is founded.

No Speaking For 10 Days Wtf Do You Lose Your Mind

Haha, kind of, but it’s amazing. When you live your day-to-day life constantly thinking and communicating, its near impossible to realize the madness going on in your head. We have so much stimulus that our thoughts actually jump from one thing to another without ever taking a breath. This is apparent during the first 2 days of the retreat. As you quietly observe your breath, the mind is running at 100 miles per hour like a total spas.

When we speak, we automatically start telling ourselves stories, about how we feel, what other people are doing and saying and our assumptions on their intentions and what they might be thinking. It’s an added layer of information that just crams into our internal dialogue and generates information overload. Not speaking for 10 days is so relaxing and regenerative. It allows you to focus on observing your mind as opposed to multitasking between that and navigating the outside world. It really gives you a chance to go inwards.

What Is The Cost Of A Vipassana Meditation Course

On principle, no fee for the Vipassana course is charged. Centers are instead maintained by the donations of those who have completed a meditation course. You may donate only once you have completed a course and you are free to choose the amount you wish to donate.

those who came before you support your course while your donation supports future participants. So you pay it forward.

Would I Recommend Vipassana Meditation To Others

Yes! But only when the timing is right.

A simple, non-sectarian technique for programming pervasive peace into our lives, I believe Vipassana meditation to be one of the best things I’ve ever encountered. I wouldn’t recommend rushing into a course, though. Had I attended one a year ago, I probably would have left the first day. Trying to sit still and consciously aware for ten straight days is a tremendous challenge.Sign up when you have some extra gumption to give to the experience.

Lastly, if you’ve made it this far in this lengthy article, you might be curious how much a ten-day Vipassana course cost? It’s absolutely free. The program is entirely run by volunteers and financially supported by past students .

How To Do Vipassana Meditation Technique At Home

In my opinion, it is best to do Vipassana at home because then you will gain insight into how your mind works in the place you are every day: home, which is far more valuable than doing it at a retreat.

Buddha said that it is best to do Vipassana meditation technique in a forest, sitting with the legs crossed in Lotus position. However, you can practice Vipassana meditation at home. Of course, your space should be relaxing and free of distractions. You can also do it sitting in a chair. However, do make sure you have good posture. 

When you do Vipassana at home you should be somewhere quiet and comfortable.

You can learn more about sitting positions in my guide to

My Toughest Challenge Ever Vipassana Meditation

Meditation Series – Chapter 3: Vipassana

Continuing my experiments with different forms of meditation, I had come across Vipassana around 2015. I got this sudden opportunity to join Vipassana camp. Vipassana is an old Buddhist tradition of Meditation, as was taught by Gautam Buddha himself. I had heard a lot about it and always thought of it more as an adventure than Meditation; it seemed like the toughest experience out there. Many people think that one session of Vipassana and you become a sanyasi on a yogic path like Gautam Buddha. Frankly, it is a stupid conception but about that later, first, let me elaborate on my experience with Vipassana. 

How Vipassana challenges you every minute.

Vipassana is seriously a mind-blowing experience and the toughest thing I ever did in my life. One has to dedicate oneself to the session for 10 days at a time and stay in the ashram/camp during this period. Program highlights are: Wake up every morning at 4 a.m., not talk to anyone for 10 days , and last meal at 12 noon – no dinner, only a snack in the evening… All deal breakers for me. I am not a morning person, in fact I can’t even wake up at 9 easily, forget about 4 am. The few times in life, I have been awake at 4 in the morning was when I didn’t sleep the whole night. ?

What more? Hmmm, not talking to anyone was not a deal-breaker, as I have a strange combination of chatterbox and statuesque personality. So acquiring one personality for a small period of time is not so tough.

How I Heard About Vipassana Meditation Retreats

I heard about Vipassana meditation retreats on a forum. People shared reviews of their Vipassana experiences and reported getting incredible results from the 10-day retreats offered by Vipassana centers around the world. I looked into it, fond a center close to my home in Eastern Canada and subscribed for a 10-day meditation retreat. I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into. I read it was considered one of the most challenging meditation retreats available to westerners. I saw it as a great personal challenge and an incredible opportunity to fully focus on meditation. Besides, the retreats were free of charge; they’re solely financed by voluntary donations, so I really had nothing to lose except 10 days.

Photo credit : hckyso from flickr

In Vipassana retreats, all forms of communication with other students are forbidden . Practitioners are only allowed to bring necessities, this means nothing to read, watch, listen to or write with. Cellphones and other electronic devices are also prohibited. The rules are strict, but they are helpful and force you to fully concentrate on your meditation practice without distracting yourself when things get tough, because they will get tough, trust me.

I Keep Seeing The Word Dhamma What Does It Mean

Dhamma is part of the ‘triple gem’ which includes:

anyone who is fully enlightened

the law of nature; the teaching of an enlightened person; the way to liberation

anyone who has practiced Dhamma and has become a pure-minded, saintly person

All Pali words are explained during the course, as their relevance becomes necessary.

Schedule: A Typical Vipassana Day And Timetable

For days one through nine, participants observe a “Noble Silence” which means no talking and no charades or other non-verbal communication. You can ask the instructor questions during sessions at 12:00 P.M. and 9:00 P.M. Remaining silent during this time is not nearly as difficult as it sounds.

The schedule is the same at every Vipassana 10-day meditation course, no matter where it is being held in the world. You can see this at the bottom of the Vipassana FAQ page.

Wake up bell: 4:00 A.M.

Most mornings, for whatever reason, my body anticipated the waking bells at 4:00 A.M. I set an alarm for 4:10 A.M. just in case and never had to use it. Not because I wasn’t tired in some way, or even jet lagged a bit, but because it was clear I had something important that I must do.

After a quick wash and water and a stretch, I was out the door into the pre-dawn darkness for a walk from my room to the meditation hall. The touch of cool before the birds would come alive and the warmth of the Malaysia hot season would land was something I’ll never forget.

Meditate in the hall or in your room: 4:30-6:30 A.M.

I quickly realized after a brief conversation with the instructor that meditating in the hall for newcomers is an important discipline. I found I would go much further with the structure and discipline of the early morning in the hall, despite the fact that the morning sessions ended with a chant that typically drove me borderline crazy.

Breakfast and rest: 6:30-8:00 A.M.

Where Can I Find A Vipassana Meditation Retreat

Today, there are over 172 Vipassana meditation centers, and 134 non-centers scattered around the globe, all of which are under the instruction of current teacher S.N. Goenka , whose videotaped sessions guide the students along the course.

All Vipassana meditation centers operate strictly on a donation basis. So, the course and all its amenities are provided for free. Donations are only accepted from those who complete the full 10-days and are informed after completion of the minimum donation to cover their board and lodging.

All participants are expected to complete the full 10-days, however, there is no obligation and one can leave anytime.

www.dhamma.org

What Is Vipassana Meditation A Beginners Guide

We will all agree that often times we find ourselves overwhelmed by various negative thoughts and feelings. We get angry, disappointed, sad, discouraged and even feel completely out of harmony with ourselves. This makes us send off those negative energies to the other people around us and make them unhappy too.

Definitely, it is not something we do intentionally but the things we go through life may make us do it. But is there a way in which we can reduce all the negative thoughts, feelings and energy and be more on the positive side, feeling energized, motivated, peaceful, happy and having proper inner balance?

Vipassana meditation is a great practice that helps us become more peaceful, calm and have inner harmony through purifying the mind from the negative thoughts and feelings that make us suffer. It brings a sense of mental stillness and clarity that helps us live better lives.

How Does It Work The Precepts And Course Rules

So, how does a retreat work anyway? What are the rules? What does a typical day look like? That’s what we’ll cover next.

For starters, attendees of a Vipassana course must undertake five precepts for the duration of the course: 1) to abstain from killing any being; 2) to abstain from stealing; 3) to abstain from all sexual activity; 4) to abstain from telling lies; 5) to abstain from all intoxicants.

In addition to the precepts, attendees should also adhere to the following rules:

The rules may sound a bit strict and draconic in the beginning. After the course, however, I realize that most of them make total sense and are simply there to make life easier for the students.

I had no trouble following the rules, though I do some pushups and other bodyweight exercises from time to time. As long as you don’t distract your fellow meditators, I guess it’s fine.

[theseshipsshallsail]

They say that ghosts are imprints of the soul, either afraid of death, or unable to let go of the place they haunt. As a musician, Elio was wont to embrace latent superstition, however the longer he found himself trapped in this feeble imitation of life, the more he couldn’t help but wonder if what he actually needed was an exorcism.

Oliver’s presence was a powerful thing during his time in B, but to Elio, his absence was almost tangible. Suffocated by the longing that dogged his every step, he’d tried desperately not to think of his erstwhile lover since his family’s return to the villa, but each creak of a wobbly floorboard brought to mind furtive movements on an antiquated bed frame, and the rustle of a breeze through the peach trees was the rasp of encouraging whispers in the middle of the night.

His ghost spots were everywhere - the books piled high on his father’s desk, the soft-boiled eggs at the breakfast table, the pieces of writing paper held down by half-chewed pencils. Each crystal clear flashback was a cruel reminder of what he’d lost, and Elio’s irritation grew stronger as he berated himself for his own introspection. 

Eight months may as well be eight years when it felt like you were standing still, and Elio still cursed the bubble of hope in his chest whenever the telephone rang late in the evening, or a letter arrived with a United States postmark. His stomach would ache like the first time Oliver held him, touched him, made love to him, but the fear he’d been lied to all along never got any easier to bear. 

Like Icarus, he’d flown too close to the sun, and like a fool, he’d believed his father’s words when he crashed back down to earth, only to have his illusions shattered with a single phone call. He was convinced they were two parts of a whole, and yet Oliver had moved on with his life without so much as a later, and it was Elio who remained cleaved apart. He was coated in amber, his memories preserved forever where he straddled two worlds at once. An existence in which he both loved and loathed Oliver in turn.

Without a doubt, the weeks following Oliver’s engagement were the worst of his life. Too ashamed to show his true feelings, he’d cried his weight in tears every night, soaking his pillow as he choked down sobs. Elio had stayed faithful to a dream, and in those moments he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, his heart poisoned by regret as he finally accepted he was just another notch on his other half’s bedpost.

“Sami, darling. What time did he say the train would arrive?”

His mother had been smoking by the window for the past twenty minutes, and Elio pinched the bridge of his nose as he leaned his head against the doorframe. He’d barely slept since he’d learned of Oliver’s visit five days prior, and the dark smudges beneath his eyes made him resemble little more than a spectre himself.

“Do not fret, mia amata,” his father replied, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Il cauboi will be here soon.”

“Too soon,” Elio muttered sullenly, evading his father’s gaze as he selected a well-thumbed Paul Celan anthology from the bookcase.

As far as he was concerned, Oliver wasn’t welcome back at all. Everything was still too raw, too exposed, and Elio had no idea what was expected of him. 

He could have made his excuses - accepted Gianni’s invitation to stay in Milan, hiked the trails of Monte San Primo - but out of morbid curiosity he’d opted to confront his demons. Literally. He would never have Oliver again - though evidently he’d never truly had him to begin with - but the what-ifs and maybes rippled through his mind like a pebble cast into the lake, a constant buffer to his self-recrimination.

Throwing himself onto the couch, Elio lit the last of his cigarettes as he lost himself in the familiar prose, and was halfway through Abend der Worte when he heard the low rumble of a car engine outside, shortly followed by the crunch of tyres on gravel.

His parents rushed off in a flurry of excitement, so Elio sighed, slid his book onto the side table, then dragged his feet in their wake. Oliver was already getting out of the taxi as he stepped onto the veranda - shirt-collar wide, sunglasses obscuring his eyes - and the sense of déjà vu was staggering. On the surface, he appeared just as he remembered him, but Elio noticed his skin had lost it’s golden glow, and his hair was no longer the sun-bleached blond he saw in his dreams. 

“Oliver!” his mother cried, seizing him in a hug and kissing his cheeks. “Bienvenue, mon Américain! You have been missed.”

His mother. The woman who’d driven him home from the train station, who’d stroked her fingers through his curls as he’d turned his tear-stained face to the window. The woman who’d knocked on his bedroom door twenty-four hours later and begged him to eat - who’d held him as he wept into the folds of her skirt, unable to articulate his hurt. 

Sa mère, le traître.

Mafalda was up next, scolding him good-naturedly for wasting away over the winter. A slight exaggeration, but his waist was indeed slimmer, and a dull pain gathered in Elio’s gut as his father shot him a look of empathy before greeting Oliver like family. 

Almost like a son-in-law echoed down a distant phone line, and Elio felt the same pang as they bowed their heads together, their words too low to carry. 

Feigning nonchalance, he drew on his cigarette as Anchise retrieved Oliver’s luggage from the trunk, then exhaled slowly, heart thundering beneath his ribs when Oliver glanced up, hooking his sunglasses over his collar as he closed the distance between them. The car drove off in a cloud of dust, and clenching his jaw, Elio tossed the butt to the ground, grinding it beneath his sneaker. It was too much, too quickly, and not sure what else to do he thrust a hand out, knowing instinctively that a hug was out of the question. 

Oliver hesitated, frowning slightly when he finally shook it. “Elio.”

“Oliver,” he forced out.

“It’s good to see you,” he said, brushing a thumb over his knuckles, and Elio stepped back to safety as his father slung an arm around Oliver’s shoulder, ushering them both inside the house.

Seeing him there, alive and well, in the space he’d so recently haunted, was its own exquisite torture, and Elio searched Oliver’s face for a sign he was more than some sentimental afterthought as his father retrieved the leather duffel bag from the hallway, then proceeded to lead him towards the staircase. There had been no suggestion of offering up his bedroom - his parents stopping short of kicking that particular hornet's nest - and Elio wondered if Oliver would mourn the difference as he settled into the smaller room his grandfather used instead. 

Or if he even cared at all.

 Elio did his best to avoid Oliver from that point onwards, and despite the grey clouds building overhead, cycled into town at the first opportunity. The afternoon riposo was just coming to an end, and he spent a pleasant couple of hours browsing the bookstore before heading home, steadfastly ignoring the tug at his heartstrings as he passed the disused lane to the berm. 

His private sanctuary had been his alone until Oliver crashed into his life, and Elio hadn’t been able to return since, the peace he’d once found now tainted by a kiss and all that came after.

Oliver and his father were still talking by the pool when he returned to the villa, so Elio leaned his bike against the wall then headed upstairs, the door to the adjoining bathroom locked securely as he sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. 

Eventually, the clock struck eight, and even the dinner bell felt foreboding as the meal itself became an exercise in faked indifference. A tension headache had built behind his eyes, and Elio wavered between silence and short, succinct answers as he dodged Oliver’s gaze, spoke only when spoken to, and listened with half an ear as his parents overcompensated by discussing everything about his book, his life, and his career at the university. It helped create a necessary distance, and piece by piece Elio shored his defences until he could nod in all the right places, hum when appropriate, and force down a meal that tasted like sawdust on his tongue. 

“Parmenides. How wonderful!” his father declared, and Elio’s fork scraped against his plate as something nudged his ankle beneath the table.

He sat up, and Oliver’s smile was too broad, too fake - too muvi star - as he outlined his plans for his second manuscript, and refusing to take part in whatever game he was playing, Elio hooked his foot behind his chair leg in retaliation. 

“Piccino? Tu ne manges pas.”

“Je vais bien, maman,” Elio said, reaching for his apricot juice as she continued to watch him carefully. 

His mother was no fool, so Elio picked at his food for the next few minutes, rolling his eyes when the conversation turned to university politics, and the merits of a more liberal work environment. It was interminable, and the moment Mafalda began clearing the table Elio took his leave. He considered sitting down at the piano, but didn’t think he could stomach the sight of his parents playing happy families for another second, feeling betrayed on all counts for the sheer audacity.

It was infuriating, and feeling trapped within his own home, Elio grabbed his Walkman from the hallway table as he headed out the front door, needing to burn off his restlessness away from prying eyes. He had no conscious destination at first, but Elio soon found himself wishing he’d brought a jumper for his self-imposed exile when the ocean breeze cut through the thin cotton of his Oxford. The well-worn path was calling to him, and Elio stared straight ahead as he marched past the rocks Oliver used to frequent, withdrawing the fresh pack of cigarettes he’d picked up at the tabaccheria.

It felt like he was vibrating apart at the seams, and draping his headphones around his neck, Elio kicked off his shoes then dropped to the sand. The ebb and flow of the waves was a welcome distraction to his thoughts, and fishing out a lighter from his pocket, Elio yearned for something a bit stronger as a light mist rolled over the shore, the miserable atmosphere reflecting his mood perfectly. 

Alone. Confused. Cut adrift. 

Sitting Shiva for a life that was never real to begin with.

The sky turned orange then red, before finally converging on an inky black, and Elio took a deep pull to calm his nerves when footsteps approached from behind, knowing it could only be one person. Bringing his knees up, he hugged them to his chest, and when a warm weight enveloped his shoulders he did his best not to react, recognising the familiar softness as the afghan that usually belonged in his father’s study.

“I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes if you catch a cold. Annella’s already worried you barely touched your dinner,” Oliver said, and an anxious rush skittered under Elio’s skin.

“Grazie,” he replied. Polite. Indifferent. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

“So did I. Fifteen hour flights are brutal.” 

Elio hummed, feeling Oliver’s eyes upon him as he flicked the ash from his cigarette. Small talk was never his forte, but the more they perpetuated the lie of normality, the more he began to question if the previous summer was only ever a figment of his hyperactive imagination.

“Elio -” 

“How long are you staying?” he asked, cutting him off, and Oliver hovered uncertainly before sitting down beside him.

“Two weeks.” His words were stilted. “My plane leaves the Wednesday after Easter.”

“Long time.”

“Not long enough,” Oliver said, almost wistful. “I swear this place is a world of its own.” Selecting a flat-edged pebble, he skimmed it towards the sea. “I wish I’d had more time here,” he continued, and Elio balled his fist at his side.

“You could have,” he muttered. “You just didn’t want it.”

Oliver hung his head. “You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”

“Like you made it easy for me?”

“Elio -”

“Why are you doing this, Oliver?”

“Doing what?”

“Piantala! You know what.” Elio stabbed his cigarette into the sand. “Why are you here? Why now?”

Oliver sighed in resignation. “It’s complicated.”

“Then uncomplicate it,” Elio said, surprised by his own boldness as Oliver turned away, resting his chin atop his bicep. 

“Have you ever felt like you were playing a role?” he asked after several minutes. “Like your life is all a stage? You know the lines, and you’re nailing the performance, but that’s all it is? An act?”

Elio’s withering glare went unnoticed. “All the world’s a stage, or so they say.” 

“Perhaps I’m sick of being a player.”

“What do you want from me, then?” Elio’s mouth went dry as he stretched his legs out before him. “Permission? Forgiveness?”

“Don’t be so dramatic. I know better than to ask for that,” Oliver said, and Elio scoffed, a hollow, twisted thing.

“Come ti pare! In that case, spare me the benefit of your speech. It’s insulting to us both.” By some small miracle his tone remained aloof, yet Oliver reeled around as if he’d slapped him. “I know better,” Elio repeated, a near-perfect imitation. “Of course you do. You’re a thinker. You plan ahead. You didn’t just wake up one morning and accidentally propose to someone, so the least you can do is be honest with me, even if you can't be honest with yourself.”

Oliver’s throat clicked. “You’re right,” he agreed. “But I need you to understand something first. My parents... they’re not like yours, Elio. They have certain expectations. Always have. It was my father who supported the marriage. Pushed for it, even.”

“Well.” Elio dug his nails into his palms. “You’ve always wanted to be good.” 

“No. I’ve always wanted to be accepted.” There was a weight to the silence between them that hadn’t been there before. “All things considered, I thought it was for the best.”

“Bullshit!” The truth was a bitter pill to swallow. “You thought it would be easier,” Elio said, adjusting the blanket around him. “You told me it would be alright, Oliver. And then you told me you were getting married.”

“Elio -”

“You asked me if I minded! As if I had any say on how you live your life.” Elio closed his eyes, quickly losing his patience. “As if I was ever anything more than a way to pass the time until you went back to your real one.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because it isn’t true,” Oliver said, shaking his head. “And I wasn’t cheating on her with you. I meant it when I said we’d been off and on for years.” 

Elio’s fingers itched for another cigarette. “Tell me,” he asked instead. “How long was it before you were back on again? A month? A week? You couldn’t have mentioned it in your letters? Picked up the phone? Oh, by the way, Elio, I have a girlfriend now. Maybe we can book you for our wedding!” Heat flooded his cheeks. “Or did you enjoy keeping me hanging on like an idiot?” 

“Of course not!” The pain in Oliver’s voice was a hollow victory. “I never wanted to hurt you,” he said, but Elio knew better than to believe him. “When I got back to New York, it felt like I was sleepwalking. I kept telling myself that things would go back to normal, but it didn’t work. Nothing changed.” Oliver inched closer. “I was a mess,” he told him. “I had no idea how to fix it, and Micol was there when I needed a friend. She showed up one weekend and dragged me out of the bottom of a bottle - threatened to call my mother if I didn’t start eating properly. She’d just gotten out of a relationship, and neither of us were looking for anything, but it... it just happened.” His breaths were ragged. “I’m sorry.”

“Salvarla.” Elio had always suspected he was easily replaceable, but the knowledge that Oliver had built a life with this woman through nothing short of mundanity was especially galling. “Man is born free, but he is everywhere in chains.” Elio tipped his chin up. “Though one might argue you forged these particular restraints yourself.”

Oliver winced. “God, how you must hate me,” he said, scrubbing a hand over his face, and Elio could only wish it was that simple.

“Whatever makes you feel better,” he muttered, stung by the familiar ache of rejection. “Mazel tov. I hope you’ll both be very happy together.”

Oliver seemed to deflate, and Elio stayed silent as he watched the waves break on the shore. “Is this how it’s going to be, then?”

“I didn’t ask you to come here.” 

“I know.” Oliver sighed. “I don’t want things to be awkward between us,” he said, absent-mindedly toying with a loose thread on his sweatshirt. “I should have run it by you when Pro invited me, but I needed to see for myself that you were okay.” 

Elio’s lungs felt congested. “Well,” he said, seeking strength in the stars above. “Here I am. You’ve seen me. I’m fine.” Even in his head it sounded unconvincing, and Elio flashed a caustic smile. “Better now?” he asked, moments away from asking if he was offended, too, when Oliver’s frustration finally boiled over. 

“What is this?” he challenged, the angriest Elio had ever seen him. “Are you punishing me?” 

Yes. Yes, he was. But as much as Elio wanted to scream it to the heavens, he couldn’t deny that he was punishing himself, too. Serving penance for the tears he’d spilt when Oliver’s scent was first washed from his pillows. For the times his heart skipped a beat when he heard a familiar song. For the nights he woke up dazed and disorientated, clutching his sheets in a white-knuckled grip as his dreams left him hard and wanting. 

For the voice that whispered, can I kiss you? 

And the one that invariably answered, you’ll kill me if you stop.

“Punishment would imply a hope for redemption,” Elio pointed out. “You don’t want me. I’ve already accepted that. So why make this harder than it needs to be?” 

Oliver’s eyes turned pleading. “Don’t,” he said, stricken. “That’s not fair and you know it.” 

“Fair?” Elio barked a laugh. “Did you even tell her about us?” he asked, and Oliver dropped his forehead to his knees, as if he no longer had the strength to hold it up

“Not exactly.”

“I see. Un petit secret vulgaire for the liberal arts professor.” 

Another line crossed. Another splinter in his heart. 

“Elio, please...”

“I think we’re done here,” he said, reaching for his sneakers. “You told me you remember everything, so why string this out when you’re clearly intending to forget?” The confirmation of Oliver’s shame was more than he could handle, and securing the blanket around him, Elio rose to his feet in a last ditch act of bravado. “Goodnight, Oliver.”

It felt more like goodbye.

“Elio, wait!” He barely made it five yards before hurried footsteps chased after him. “How can you say that? How can you even - hey! Will you at least look at me!” Oliver said, grabbing his arm to spin him around. “You know me!” 

“I know nothing!” Elio spat, moving to shrug him off. “Assolutamente niente! You gave me your name, Oliver. That mattered. We mattered! And then you went and took it all away again because I was only ever convenient!” 

Oliver froze, his hand falling limp to his side. “That’s not true,” he whispered. “God, Elio... surely you must realise you’re anything but convenient? I just didn’t want you to think -”

“What? That you cared? That I actually meant something to you?”

“Of course you meant something!”

“Then why won’t you act like it!” Elio yelled, and the devastated look on Oliver’s face was enough to make him beat a hasty retreat.

“Elio!” 

Defiant, he kept his head down, annoyed at himself for feeling guilty.

Furious with himself for feeling anything at all. 

“Oliver!”

Elio paused mid-step. “No,” he said, voice flat as he straightened his spine. “You don’t get to do that.” Enclosing his Star of David in his fist, he gathered the courage to turn and face him. “You don’t get to show up after eight months with a list of excuses and Oliver me. You’re the reason we’re in this situation! You did this to us. Not me!”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Oliver’s eyes were wild. “All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

“Do I look happy?”

“Elio -”

“This is the opposite of happy, Oliver!” 

“And why is that?” he demanded. “Because you refuse to hear the truth?”

“No,” Elio seethed, reclaiming the distance between them. “Because you’re breaking my fucking heart!”

Time stopped as they stared at each other, chests heaving, and Elio watched, dumbstruck, as Oliver fractured from within. His mouth pressed into the tight line he remembered from when he’d first caught him staring in the garden - back when he had yet to decipher his various codes - and the anguish that crossed his features served as a brutal precursor to the tremors that worked their way slowly through his limbs.

“We called it off,” he murmured, the barely-formed words almost lost to the wind. “The wedding... we... I’m not...”

Elio felt the colour drain from his cheeks. “You called it off.” 

It came out pained, the hurt too obvious, and Oliver’s shoulder’s hitched as he lowered himself to the ground.

“Is this a joke?” Elio asked through the buzzing in his ears. 

But no answer was forthcoming, and like a moth to a flame he stepped forward, fingers outstretched to the sun-kissed skin at Oliver’s collar. Despite everything, a part of him still wanted to reach out and touch - everything forgiven, everything forgotten - but it wasn’t, and he couldn’t, so Elio pulled back as if burned, fleeing before he could do something he’d later regret.

He’d always hoped to find a vindictive pleasure in being the one to walk away, but all he felt was flayed alive as he retraced the cliff path to the villa, and despite his father’s advice to the contrary, Elio was now certain that bankruptcy was the better option.

#call me by your name #elio x oliver #idiots in love #fix-it #angst

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

Cosy

Day 30 of 31!  @doctorroseprompts

@timepetalsprompts bingo - mentions of boxing day

This is another sequel to the fake dating/coffee shop au from last week!  

Ficmas Masterlist 2017, Day 30

#3 in the Cosier With You Universe

Human!TenxRose

AO3

Still breathing hard, James settled beside Rose.  She immediately rolled into him, snuggling into his arms as she sighed.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been happier,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to his chest.

“Me neither,” he agreed, hugging her tightly to him as their legs tangled beneath the sheets.

“What time is it?”

“Uh…” he craned his neck to see his clock.  “Just gone midnight.”

“Happy Christmas, then.”

“Happy Christmas,” he hummed happily, pressing kisses to her hair.

“Started with quite the bang, didn’t it?”  She joked, giggling when she felt his chest shake with laughter.

“Hard to beat,” he agreed, and they stayed cuddled together for long minutes.

“I should probably get home,” Rose eventually said regretfully, though she didn’t move a muscle.

“Why?”

She smiled up at him. “You picked me up fourteen hours ago to take me to lunch, and she hasn’t heard from me since.  My mum’ll be going spare.”

“Ah,” he sniffed, “just give her a call.”

“And say what? ‘Sorry, Mum, won’t be home for Christmas morning, I’m having my brains shagged out?’  There won’t be anything left of you by the time she got done.”

He shivered.  “Good point.”

She nudged her thigh further between his, brushing against him.  His breathing hitched, and while he was far from hard there did appear to be signs of life.  She pressed a little harder, and he twitched against her.

“Should get up, then,” James huffed, and Rose smirked against his chest.

“Trying.  Seems like you’re getting there.”

He simply stared down at her.  “You’re the one who brought it up.”

“Good to know,” she said suggestively, bringing one hand down between them to help bring him to life.

“Rose,” he groaned, though she wasn’t sure if it was because of her joke or the way she began to stroke him.

She leaned up to kiss him, and he’d just rolled her onto her back again when her mobile chimed.  She ignored it, more interested in him, when it rang a second time.

“Ugh, hold on,” she sighed, wiggling out from under him to lean over the side of the bed and dig out the device.  “Hi, Mum.”

“Rose, you’re alive!” Jackie cried, making her roll her eyes as she settled back on the bed, James spooning up next to her.  “Where are you?”

“At a friend’s,” she said vaguely, and James kissed her neck.

“At this hour?”

“Yes.  I’ll be home soon.  Well, soon-ish.”

“How’d the lunch go?”

“Decently,” Rose replied neutrally, elbowing James when he laughed.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, Mum, we’re watching telly,” she evaded, snuggling back into him.

“Sure,” Jackie replied suspiciously.  “Anything more to say?  Where are you?”

“At a friend’s,” she repeated.  “I’ll tell you more when I’m home.  Don’t wait up though.”

“Rose, it’s Christmas morning, you should be home.”

“I will!  Soon, I promise.”

“All right,” her mother reluctantly capitulated.  “Soon.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, sweetheart. Be safe, it’s started snowing.”

They rang off soon enough, and Rose stretched to put her phone on the nightstand.  “Mum says it’s starting to snow,” she reported, turning to face him.

“Christmas miracle,” he murmured, leaning forward to kiss her.

“The snow?”

He shook his head. “You.  Here.  I’ve dreamed of this,” he confessed, and her heart lurched.

“Me too.”

The smile he gave her in reply was so brilliant, she immediately resolved to commit the rest of her life to seeing it often.

“Want to get on the road, then?”  He kissed her again, before nibbling his way down her chin and neck to mouth at her décolletage.

“In a bit.”  She brought her hand between them again, delighted when he lengthened and hardened in her palm.

“Your call,” he agreed, working his way slowly down her body.  He stopped just at the bottom of her belly, not daring to go further as he mouthed kisses on the area.

“James…” there were too many things in her voice for him to translate, and he looked up at her.

“Do you want me to stop?”

She bit her lip, and her thighs widened a bit.  “Do you want to?”

He propped himself up on an elbow to better see her eyes.  “I’d love to go further, but only if you want.”

“Really?”  She lit up, and he grinned back.

“It’d be my pleasure.”

“Well, all right then,” she agreed breathlessly, and he wiggled down to be face to crotch with her for the first time.

“Blimey, you’re beautiful,” he said, awed.  They hadn’t bothered with too much foreplay before the first round, and he took a moment to appreciate her.

“If you say so.”  She propped herself up on her elbows to better see him.

“Can I-”

“Please.”  She watched with bated breath as he used one long finger to trace along her slit.  It was quite literally something out of her fantasies; she wasn’t ashamed to admit to herself that more than one lonely night had been spent with her vibrator, thinking about the way those long fingers curled around a coffee cup.

He traced her full length several times before moving up to circle her clit twice.  When she gasped and tensed, he brought the digit back down to investigate her opening.  “Still okay?”

“Better than.”  She slumped back against the pillows, closing her eyes and focusing on his touch.

He pressed a kiss to one thigh before easing the finger inside.  There was a trickle of new wetness, and she clenched around him in a hopefully soon-to-be-familiar way as he learned her body.

James took his time, eventually bringing his tongue into play as he followed her cues until he built her up and over, and she came with a soft cry.

“Oh, love,” she murmured, scratching her nails lightly through his hair.  “That was brilliant.”

“You’re brilliant,” he replied, kissing his way back up her body to her lips.

“I’ve honestly never been so cosy in my life,” she confessed, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Good,” James said. “Me too.”

Rose laughed softly, smiling too much to be able to kiss him properly.  “Your turn, I think.”

“I’m alright,” he deflected, and she giggled again when he twitched against her thigh.

“It’s only right that I taste you,” she argued, and he shook his head.

“I’m hoping we’ve got plenty of time for that later.  For now, though – Rose, can I make love to you again?”

“Oh, please do,” she begged, sighing in delight when he hitched her thigh over his hip.

As he slid inside, she hoped they’d have the rest of their lives for this.

-

“Here we are.”  James pulled into Rose’s driveway, letting go of her hand to put the car in park.

“Right.”  Rose stared out the window at her yard, watching the snow fall.

“All right?”  He watched her, worried.  Since they’d dressed and left his flat, she’d been oddly quiet and he was beginning to panic he’d overplayed his hand.

“Yeah,” she said softly. She glanced at him, and smiled widely at the look on his face.  “Oh, don’t pout!  I’m not having regrets,” she reassured him, and he slumped in relief.

“Me neither. “

“Good,” she reached out a palm to cradle his cheek.  “I was just thinking how this may be the best Christmas Eve I’ve ever had.”

“Me too.”  It felt inadequate, but he didn’t think he could put it better.  “Uh, now what?”

She sighed.  “I suppose I go inside, and go to sleep, and wake up and have Christmas morning with my mum same as always.  My mate Mickey, he’s coming for lunch with his gran, and so’s a cousin or two, and Mum’s friend.”

“I’m going to my Mum’s,” James replied, crinkling his nose.  “That’s bound to be a laugh a minute.”

Rose giggled.  “She seemed all right – if a little over protective.”

“Uh…” he cleared his throat. “Earlier, before Donna’s I mean, we discussed dinner?”

“Boxing day?” she suggested, and he lit up.

“Really?”

She bit her lip, before deciding that every brave overture she’d made so far had worked out splendidly, and she might as well go for another.  “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

He simply stared at her. “Did you just quote When Harry Met Sally?”

“You know that movie?”

He rolled his eyes.  “Donna.”

She’d only met his sister the twice, but that was enough to paint a fairly clear picture.  “Right.”

They sat there staring at each other for several long moments.

“OH!”  He suddenly exclaimed, slapping his forehead.  “Sorry.  Yeah, I want to spend my life with you too.”

She burst into laughter, and he thought it might just be the sweetest sound he’d ever heard.

“I think we’re doing this wrong,” she told him once she calmed.

“How so?”

“Well,” she considered, turning fully to face him, “first I met your family, then we said ‘I love you’, then you got me naked, and only after all that will we be going on our first date.  A bit backward, don’t you say?”

“Maybe,” he allowed, taking her hand again.  “But it’s our story – only we decide how it gets told.”

“Sounds perfect.”  They met in the middle for a kiss, and by the time they pulled back they were breathing heavily.

“Don’t suppose I could tempt you into the backseat,” he muttered, blinking his eyes open.

“Definitely not.  My mum’s likely watching from her room as we speak,” Rose smirked.

“Course.”  James cleared his throat, flushing slightly. Considering how many rounds they’d gone at his flat, he hoped she didn’t write him off as an insatiable maniac.

“Maybe after our date on the 26th, though,” she teased, and he tried to quell his reaction.

“Whatever you want!” He cleared his throat again, trying to get rid of the squeaking.

“So, I’ll see you then?”

“Yes,” he said firmly. “Um, I’ll be in the shop that morning, and we can set a time and all?”

“All right,” she agreed warmly, already looking forward to seeing him.  “And you have my number – feel free to use it.”

“Will do,” he promised, leaning forward to kiss her again.

“Bye,” she said breathlessly when they parted.

“Until later.”

She gave him one last, longing look before climbing out of the car and hurrying inside.  Making her way to her bedroom, she looked out the window to see him watching.  She waved, and he returned the gesture before pulling away.

Rushing through a shower and throwing on pajamas, she climbed into bed and snuggled down.  She tossed and turned for a few minutes, trying to get comfortable, before she realized the problem.

Not even one full night in James’ bed, and she’d never cosy anywhere else again.

Checking her phone, she saw he’d already text her.  Opening the message, she smiled to see two heart emojis and sent him a kiss back.

At least on the 26th, she could stay til breakfast…

She fell asleep dreaming of their future.

#bbatcfic #doctorroseprompts #timepetalscollective #31 Days of Ficmas #ficandchips #human!tenxrose #cosy #only one more! #and it's already written! #yay! #oohlala #31 Days of Ficmas 2017

[canaryatlaw]

alright, I’m tired so let’s write. Today was overall pretty good, some stupid insecurity worrying on my part, but overall good. I woke up to my alarm at 10:55, got ready and caught the bus, took the bus to the train to the DV courthouse. I sat and worked on my legal drafting assignment for probably about 10 minutes or so before getting summoned to take over a case from the morning shift that hadn’t made it to court before they broke for lunch. they tend to give me the more complicated cases because I know what I’m doing and I’ve handled a lot of crazy cases, especially when there are kids involved because they know that’s my thing. So I was picked to take over the case, even though there were like 5 other volunteers waiting for assignments. Most of the paperwork was filled out, and it was a super long affidavit stretching back years and years of just awful abuse. I mean, I’ve seen a hell of a lot at this job, but there are still some fuckers that manage to make me indignant, especially when they’re threatening children- often their own children. I won’t get into details, but basically the husband (they’re separated but not official divorced) would regularly threaten to kill all five of their kids, and referred to their one son as his “gay ass son” and that he would “punch the girl out of him” and the kid is like, six. So yeah, that got me kinda pissed. There was soooo much abuse documented though that I had no doubt the order would get granted, so having that assurance is always good. We just keep hitting little speed bumps that would cause a bit of a delay, so we wound up waiting for a while and filed our paperwork around 2 or so. She had with her her 8 month old daughter, who was just the cutest little thing. They don’t want kids in the courtroom, so they had me go in and hand in the paperwork while she waited outside with the baby, and then when the case was called I got her and took over watching the baby. She was very well-behaved, didn’t cry or anything, so that was good. It was kind of annoying that I couldn’t hear what was going on in court just because I like knowing that, but soon enough she came back out with a bit of a confusing answer- they hadn’t actually processed the case yet, but sent her back with a note saying she needed to refile it under another case number- basically this whole big procedural mess about consolidating cases in parentage, divorce, and DV court. Apparently there were a few parentage cases going on between the different kids and a divorce was filed at one point, so basically we were under the impression we were supposed to file it under the earliest case, but then they decided they wanted one of the 2017 case numbers, so we had to go talk to the clerk’s office and fix that. I wasn’t mad really, I was more so just thoroughly annoyed because we had already spent so much time waiting. I’ve been mad at the results of court before and that is an entirely different feeling, lol. So after a little while we went back up to court and did the same thing again, when I came out the baby was sleeping, but after a little while she woke up and was good at first, but then she started crying and I was trying to get her out of her car seat so I could hold her, but the front part of it was pulled down so far I was having issues pulling her out, but thankfully at that point mom came back out and took care of it. The order was granted of course, not that I had any doubt it would be. It’s nice knowing that you have a slam dunk case every so often, it’s definitely not an every case thing but occasionally you’ll get one that you know is gonna get granted, and that’s pretty satisfying. So we came back down and did some quick debriefing, then I headed out. Took the train to the bus, which was super crowded because it was rush hour. I had taken the same bus home over the summer, but I had gotten on the bus further south than I was now so the bus wouldn’t be crowded yet and I could have my seat in the back and then watch it all crowd like crazy as it went north, but now I was getting on it further north and well, it was quite crowded. But I made it home a little before six, and decided I was going to eat some of the veggies I had in my fridge before they go bad. I had bought some kale with the intention of making kale chips, something I literally have not done since 2013 when I was in my kale obsessed phase (I go through phases where I’ll be really into one food and eat it constantly and then one day just stop and move on) when I was eating like, a head of kale a day, lol. So did that, and made a salad kit thing I had in the fridge, so lettuce and kale (plus some other stuff of course) and sad down to watch the flash. Another meh episode in my book, largely thanks to its focus on Ralph, who I am sooooooo bored of. With the whole wanting to kill DeVoe thing, but it being to protect the team, like was that supposed to be character development?? If so, it was pretty crappy development. The rest of the episode didn’t really do much for me, the ending fight scenes were cool but that was about it. Moving on though, I did love the Black Lightning season finale, and I’m sad their season is over now, because 13 episodes definitely isn’t enough. I’m glad Tobias wasn’t taken down and that we’ll see him again, because there’s definitely more story there. The scene with the whole family going to fight and defend themselves though, that was lit (pun intended, obviously). one of my tweets was “lol at them being like ‘WE ARE NOT PREPARED FOR BLACK LIGHTNING, PLEASE LET US LEAVE” and the official show account retweeted it so it has a hundred something likes now and like sixty retweets, lol. I thought it was clever. I love Anissa, she’s my girl, I’m totally with her on the whole we need to use our powers and skills to help and save people, but I also really liked Jennifer in this episode as she was figuring out how to use her powers and really just kicking so much ass, it was wonderful. I keep feeling bad for Lynn though, because we know this isn't what she wanted for Jefferson, much less for her two daughters, but they don’t really have a choice at this point. But yeah, I liked the episode a lot, my one complaint is that the season was too short to fully develop the plot line, and I think a few more episodes could’ve let them flesh it out a lot more and make the ASA more of a proper villain (though I will never be able to look at that acronym and not think it stands for “assistant state’s attorney”). The Pierce family just kicks so much ass, and I can’t wait to see what they do with a *hopefully* full season next year. When that finished I watched Rise since that had just aired. After tonight I can watch it live since BL is over. Decent episode, Auli’i’s voice on Momma Who Bore Me is just perfect, it seriously gave me chills and like, it’s such a good pick because the song was originally sung by Lea Michele, who also headlined Glee, which is arguably a major influencing force on the show. The teacher (I don’t even know his fucking name) tends to grate on me because he reminds me so much of Schuester, who I really did not like lol. What they did do well in this episode is contrast how important theatre is to kids and the major influence it has on their lives versus the lack of importance the adults in their life place on it, saying it’s “just a play” when to the kids it’s so much more than that. Like, looking back at the shows I was in in high school, I know they weren’t good, we weren't putting up flawless productions by a long shot, but being able to have that artistic expression, not to mention making up pretty much my entire friend group, really meant the world to me and I really don’t know if I would’ve survived high school without them, so that hit pretty close to home for me. When I finished that I decided to watch The Resident from the other night. Also a pretty good episode, I liked the whole professor seeing “ghosts” storyline, it was well done and I loved Mina’s interactions with her and the effect it had on the professor. The Lily plot was all very sad of course, and I know they’re probably just gonna amp it up from here, so there will be plenty more where that came from. When it was over I watched Jimmy Kimmel for a little before starting to get ready for bed and here I am. It’s past 1 and I’m pretty tired, so I’m gonna call it a night here. PT in the morning then my normal Wednesday classes, should be good. But yeah, that’s it. Goodnight darlings. Hope you had a lovely evening.

#daily journal #April 2018 #Rachel watches The Flash #Rachel watches Black Lightning

[xoheatherkw]

Heart of Gold - beggie

An additional treat for the Riverdale Holiday Exchange 2017. For @buggiekinsx with the prompt: beggie + Christmas (with mistletoe, oh my!)

College/future fic. Actual classes and professors based on personal experience (ugh). I *may* have researched cheesy pick up lines for Reggie. 

Read on AO3 / FF 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 Veronica's celebratory post-finals party was in full swing. Betty was sipping the fruity cocktail that Kevin made for the occasion. She mingled a bit, saying hi to the few acquittances that she made in her first semester at NYU, but ultimately circled back to Kevin and Ethel. 

 Ethel smiled brightly, noticing her before Kevin had. "Betttyyyyyy! You're back," she slurred. 

 Betty inserted herself right in between Kevin and Ethel, running a comforting hand down her friend's arm. "You alright?" She asked. 

 She nodded rather forcefully and slung her arm around Betty's waist. "I missed yoooouuuu," she said affectionately. 

 Betty turned her attention to Kevin. "You were supposed to keep an eye on her." The annoyance in her tone was unmistakable. 

 Kevin simply shrugged. "She needs to let loose, and I am keeping an eye on her. Besides, she deserves it after this semester. I could say the same for you," he said with a pointed look. 

 Betty did not need the reminder. She and Ethel took a course to satisfy one of those pesky general education requirements with the professor from hell. They thought Russian Fairytales would be a piece of cake. In reality, they had more required readings than most of the rest of her classes combined, with pop quizzes nearly every week. It was supposed to be their easy class for the semester. But, at the very least, their non-western requirement for graduation was done and over with. 

 Ethel leaned into her and Betty rubbed her hand up and down Ethel's arm. "Hey, I'm going to get you some water. Okay?" 

 Ethel just hummed in response, slightly swaying in her efforts to stay upright. 

 "You'll keep an eye on her, won't you?" She directed at Kevin. At this rate, Ethel would have a killer hangover tomorrow, and hydrating was key to minimizing it. 

 "Scout’s honor." 

 "You were never an eagle scout," Betty huffed. She gently extracted herself from Ethel and made a bee line for the kitchen. 

 She quickly surveyed the fridge, not finding any water bottles. Either their friends drank all of them, or the more likely scenario was that Veronica forgot to put more in the fridge. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with ice and water. She turned, intent on going back to Ethel, when someone's broad shoulder nearly body checked her. She ended up spilling a little bit on her too tight and too short dress (Veronica's doing). "Hey! Watch where you're going- Mantle?" 

 Reggie was briefly starstruck by the breathtaking beauty in front of him. He had always thought she was beautiful, but seeing her tonight was on a whole other level.

 "Cooper, hey," he said casually. He took the few precious seconds of her swiping the water off her dress to really appreciate her. The deep V dress did wonders to accentuate her assets, and the form fitting burgundy dress hugged her curves in all the right places. Combined with her hair down in waves and a smoky eye, he was impressed that he even got two words out.

 He hadn't even seen her since graduation - nearly six months prior. He wasn’t exactly in her circle in high school, so they didn’t keep in touch. Much to his chagrin.

 Sure, they were going to the same university, but he hadn't had the fortune of bumping into her - literally - until that night. It was only pure luck that Veronica noticed him in the quad the other day and extended an invite to her Christmas themed party before break. 

 Betty brushed off what she could and finally looked up to meet his gaze. The apologetic look on his face made hers soften slightly. "Just try to watch your step next time, okay?" 

 He placed his hand over his heart. "I'm sorry, Betty," he said sincerely. Reggie stepped a bit more into her personal space, enough so he could lean down and whisper in her ear. "I was blinded by your beauty." He pulled back, so he could give her a wink. "I'm going to need your contact information for insurance purposes."

 Betty let out a good laugh, setting down the glass on the counter as to not spill any more. "Wow, does that line actually work on girls here?" She gently wiped the wetness pooling at her lash line from laughing so hard. 

 "You'd be surprised," he said with a smirk.

 "Then I have less faith in my gender than I previously thought." She shook her head slightly, not the least bit surprised. Reggie was always a charmer. 

 "How have you been, Betty?" 

 She smiled softly. "I've been good, Reggie. I'm so glad the semester is over though." 

 "I hear you on that one. Dr. Alas was a tough grader for my Western Civilization class. I worked my ass off and got an A-." 

 "You had Dr. Alas too? Which section?" Surely, she would have noticed if they were in the same class, wouldn’t she? Although the class size was over a hundred people.

 "I was in his 9am class. Remind me not to take a class that early." He missed a few classes due to hitting his snooze too many times. 

 "Ahh, the 9am section conflicted with my Creative Writing class. I was in his afternoon section." Betty was thankful she scheduled classes with a two-hour break for lunch, as she recently discovered her love affair for naps during lunch. And it better prepared her for her afternoon classes, so it was a win-win. 

 "Small world, Cooper. Small world," he muttered. 

 She ran her hand down his arm, squeezing his hand briefly before dropping it. "I need to get back to Ethel. Maybe I'll see you later?" 

 He stepped back and ran his hand across the back of his neck. "Yeah, of course. See you around." 

 She picked up the glass with the same hand that grabbed Reggie's hand. The cool touch did nothing to calm the warmth his skin left behind. 

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 About an hour later, the party had died down a little bit. Betty took advantage of not being needed at that very moment and she made herself another drink and collapsed on the sofa. Her dress moved on its own accord up her thighs just a touch more than she was comfortable with, but didn't have the energy to care. 

 She just had to wait a little longer until it was socially acceptable to go to bed at her own party, and lock herself in her room to get some sleep. 

 "You're not falling asleep, are you?" The familiar voice had Betty picking her head up from the back of the couch and opening her eyes, not even realizing she had closed them. 

 "No, just resting my eyes… So, we meet again, Reggie," she said. 

 "Do you mind if I sit?" He pointed at the free spot next to her. 

 "Course not." She turned slightly so she could prop her head up on the back of her hand, crossing her legs and tugging her dress down with the other hand.  He sat down on the spot next to her, accidentally brushing his knee against hers. If she noticed, she didn't back away. "Sorry about running off earlier. I needed to make sure Ethel was okay." 

 "No worries. How’s she doing?" 

 "She’s good. She’s in the kitchen with Ronnie. They ordered pizza."

 Her eyes started to droop on their own accord. The late-night studying was really taking its toll, and all she wanted to do all break is sleep. And maybe eat Christmas cookies. 

 "That's good. You know, if you're too tired, I can head out. I'm sure you get plenty of beauty rest." He threw another wink her way. 

 She patted his knee gently, not bothering to remove her hand afterward. "You're smooth Reggie, I'll give you that. But no, I think I can stay awake long enough to catch up with a friend." 

 "Yeah, I'd like that Betty." The warmth of her skin was already distracting him, even through his jeans. But he didn't dare say anything to stop her. "So, let me guess, you're majoring in Journalism?" He raised a questioning eyebrow at her. 

 "You know me too well, Reggie. Are you playing football here?" 

 "No, actually. I was offered a scholarship, but since my parents could afford to send me here, I figured I should get out before I have too many concussions." At least he had the option available to him. 

 "Sounds logical. Let me guess what you're majoring in... Business?" She predicted.

 "History actually. I want to be a teacher." 

 She smiled. "I could see that." 

 She only then registered that her hands were tracing patterns on his knee. She found that she didn't want to stop, mesmerized by the animated story Reggie was telling her about how he wanted to follow his own passion instead of following in his father's footsteps. She felt drawn to him in a way she hadn't, with anyone, in a while. And every now and then he'd look at her with such an intensity that it nearly took her breath away. 

 They even discovered they were in the same Statistics class next semester, both preferring that choice over the calculus option to satisfy their math requirement. 

 They laughed and just caught each other up on their lives since graduation.

 She was genuinely having a good time. And she found that she wasn’t even tired anymore.

 “Betty,” Ethel interjected.

 Betty pulled back and shook her head to clear her mind. She found herself becoming more enamored with Reggie, the more time she spent with him.  

 Reggie's hand stilled, having found her arm at some point during their conversation and was running his fingers up and down her delicate skin.

 Betty turned around to find the source, her eyes landing on a very tired yet blissfully happy Ethel. She was a cute and happy drunk, just content to be with her friends.  

 “Can you take me home? Kevin is preoccupied with a guy from his Economics class.”                  

 Betty rolled her eyes at that. That was the one thing she asked of him, considering she decorated for the party all afternoon. But, he’s been in kind of a funk lately, so she couldn’t blame him too much.

 She smiled warmly at her friend. “Yeah, sure. I’ll order us a Swift.” She turned back to Reggie, finding herself surprisingly disappointed that she would have to leave. “I’m just going to ride with her and make sure she gets home safe. I’ll be back, if you’ll still be here?” She raised an eyebrow.

 A couple quick taps on her phone said their Swift would be there in approximately ten minutes.

 He leaned back on the couch, spreading his arms across the back. Play it cool, he thought. “Yeah, yes. I mean, probably – I’ll probably still be here,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. He internally groaned over his fumbling. Real smooth.

 Betty placed a gentle hand on his arm and smiled. “I’m just going to use the restroom, and grab my coat from my bedroom,” she directed at Ethel. “Meet me by the foyer?”

 Ethel nodded and went off to locate her own coat in their hallway closet.

 Betty excused herself to the restroom.

 When she exited and turned towards her bedroom, she bumped into another broad shoulder for the second time that night. She and Reggie ran into each other - quite literally- in the hallway near the bathroom. Her hands landed on his shoulders and he gripped her waist to steady himself. Neither one of them moved from their embrace.

 "You should really watch where you're going," she breathed out. 

 “We need to stop meeting like this, Cooper.” He let out a light chuckle. Either he was really lucky to keep running into Betty, or the universe was taunting him with the unobtainable.

 Just then, Veronica appeared in the hallway, intent on going to the restroom. Until she saw something much more interesting.

 "Ooh, look who's under the mistletoe! You know what that means." She slightly stumbled as she took another step forward, extending her finger to point at the pair. "Betty and Reggie, K-i-s-s-i-n-g.” 

 Betty rolled her eyes. Tipsy Veronica was even less inhibited than usual, and she had been trying to set Betty up for months. As much as they wanted to stay together, the long distance was too much for her and Trev and they broke up about a month into the semester. He was planning on going to school on the west coast next year, so it was only a matter of time anyways. 

 The gentle caress on her waist brought her back to the present.

 The pair leaned back slightly. They looked up, seeing the mistletoe that Betty nearly forgot Veronica had hung (all throughout their apartment). She wasn't sure if she should be cursing or thanking Veronica in this moment. She knew Reggie's reputation of being a play boy, but that was not the impression she got from their conversation that night. In fact, he seemed more focused on schoolwork than she'd seen in his entire four years of high school combined. 

 His heart was racing, and he gripped Betty's waist a little tighter. He couldn't believe his luck of running into her under the mistletoe. He had the hugest crush on her all throughout high school. But between her childhood crush on Archie, her relationship with Jughead that crashed and burned, and then dating Trevor her senior year... He just never had the chance to ask her out. That didn't even address the fact that she was way out of his league. He noticed the way she gripped his shoulders and her flushed cheeks, so maybe he had a shot after all. 

 Betty started to lean in, determined to capture his lips in a kiss. 

 "We don't have to," Reggie confessed.  

 "I know." She continued forward. She found herself wanting to kiss him, rather than being forced to. If she was being honest with herself, she had a little bit of a crush on him senior year. But she was dating Trev. She thought the crush fizzled out, but seeing him tonight, the exact opposite was true.

 Her lips almost brushed his when he turned his cheek, planting a kiss near the corner of her mouth instead.  

 He brought his lips close to her ear, and spoke low, just above a whisper. “I don’t want our first kiss to happen because we have to.” His brought his thumb up to her cheek and brushed her skin. “I could really see myself falling for you.”

 She let out a shaky breath. “I bet you say that to all the girls.”

 He pulled back and brought his hand up to caress her cheek, looking lovingly into her eyes. He spoke quietly, so only she could hear. “I’ve never said that to another girl, because I’ve never meant it before. Just with you, Betty.” He lowered his lips and placed a kiss to her cheek for the second time that night.

 The phone in her hand buzzed, causing her to regrettably extract herself from his grip. She read over the message and her eyes went wide. “Shit! I need to go.” She spun around quickly and ran off to her room to get her coat. She had her arm in one sleeve and was struggling with the other as she returned to Reggie, still a little dazed from their interaction.

 “I need to go take Ethel home. But I’ll see you when I get back.” This time, it was more of a direction instead of a question, and he found himself nodding.

 She placed a brief kiss to his cheek and rushed off to get Ethel before the Swift left without them.

 “Well, well. That was an interesting development,” Veronica said more towards herself than at Reggie.

 He smirked. “I’m really glad I ran into you the other day, Ronnie.” He smiled to himself and went to track down a beer to calm his nerves.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 Betty returned to their apartment, and noticed that the party had died down substantially in the time it took her to make sure Ethel got home safe. She dropped off her coat in her room and started to look for Reggie.

 She went through the kitchen, the living room, the office, then their formal living room… and nothing. She looped back to the kitchen to find Veronica.

 “Hey V. Have you seen Reggie?” Betty leaned her elbows on the counter.

 “B, I never thought I’d see the day where you and Reggie would be an item.” Veronica tapped her fingernails on the counter.

 “We’re not-”

 “Yes, I know, you’re not an item,” she said, making quotations with her fingers. “Not yet anyways. Make no mistake, I approve.” She sent Betty a devilish smirk.

 Betty let out a sigh. “So, have you seen him?”

 Veronica pointed out towards their balcony. “He went outside right before you got home.”

 Betty pulled her best friend into a hug, before turning around and heading towards the balcony.

 “I expect many double dates in our future,” Veronica shouted after her.

 Betty rolled her eyes and scooped up her cardigan from the back of the couch. She tugged it on and held it shut with one hand, not bothering to button it as she stepped onto the balcony.

 The sound of her closing the sliding door alerted Reggie of her presence.

 He took the last swig of his beer and turned to face her. “Hey mini Cooper.” He smirked and took in the sight of her.

 She laughed and took a few steps towards him. “Hey Reggie.”

 “Aren’t you cold?” He pointed at her clothing, or lack thereof. She had on a thin cardigan and her legs were bare past the very short length of her dress.

 She walked the rest of the way towards him on the balcony, stopping right in front of him. She plucked the beer bottle out of his hand and set it on the ledge. She placed a tentative hand on his chest. “You see, I know this guy. He puts up this tough exterior, and truthfully, I used to think he was a jerk, sometimes… but secretly he has a heart of gold. I figured he might offer to keep a girl warm,” she suggested.

 He brought his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against his chest. “Yeah, I think I know that guy. He had a huge crush on you all throughout high school,” he said sincerely.

 Betty’s eyes went wide before softening her expression into a tender smile. “You did not.”

 He brought his hands over her arms, rubbing them up and down to generate some heat for her. “Yeah, I did. And I never thought a girl like you would give me the time of day. You’re out of my league,” he said solemnly.

 She brought her hands to circle around his neck and inched herself closer. “Well if you remember anything about me, you know I don’t like people making decisions for me.”

 He nodded. “Trust me, I remember. The next move is yours, Betty.”

 Betty looked up at him through her lashes, thankful for the first time that night that she was wearing heels. All she had to do was tilt up slightly to capture his lips in a kiss. Her eyes flitted from his eyes to his lips, and back up again.

 The kindness and sincerity in his eyes is what made her decision for her. She smiled slyly and leaned in to press a kiss firmly on his lips. He smiled into the kiss and thought how perfectly their lips fit together and how right he felt when he was with her. She threaded her fingers through his hair and swiped her tongue across his bottom lip asking for access. He granted it and pulled her tighter, his hands splaying across her back. She hummed happily into the kiss, only pulling away once their kiss left her breathless.

 He rested his forehead against hers and brought his hand up to caress her cheek. “Wow,” he whispered against her lips.

 She smiled brightly. “Yeah,” she agreed.

 “So, what now?”

 Her hands played with the hair at the nape of his neck, his eyes closing at the sensation. “Pick me up at seven tomorrow?”

 He smiled and reconnected their lips in a sweet kiss. “Now that, I can arrange.”

 She smiled into the kiss. “It’s a date.”

#riverdaleholiday2017 #beggie #betty x reggie #beggie fanfiction #beggie fic #xoheatherkwfics #riverdale #riverdale fanfiction #christmas fluff

[whipplefilter]

Take me back to June 2017

@katjaantonella‘s ask brought me back to the night I first saw Cars 3. At the time, I didn’t have this blog, so I dumped a series of increasingly unhinged Cars posts on my non-Cars friends, who had absolutely NO idea what I was talking about. I went back to those posts to see what they looked like, and I’ve copied them here for posterity. 

Unhinged Post #1: [When I go see Cars] I'm there to see my friends. To live in that world, and cheer my baby race car on, be right there with him, no matter what happens. Leave tread across red mesas, and on bridges over humid rivers. Fly wild in the dark through the Great Smoky Mountains and strange pockets of Tennessee that have left time behind. I’m not thinking about it like a movie--it’s just Lightning, race car. Doc, heartbreakingly proud of him. Thunder Hollow, cheerily life-threatening. Cruz. Cruz. <3 On my way home, away from sunset, I dropped the sunroof all the way back, windows down, and blasted the Cars orchestral score all the way home. Ended up at a stoplight with a guy who had the same idea--drop the top, down the windows, blast the tunes--so we sat there with his booming rap and my soaring Randy Newman. I want to be able to articulate why I love him so much, but mostly all I come up with is an emotional repetition of my baby my baby my baby. Who will always be my baby, even though now he's all grown up. <3

Unhinged Post #2: I wanna be an animated race car. I want the Great Smoky Mountains. I want Fireball Beach. If I left now, I could be in Tennessee by sunrise. And there's already clothes, food, water, a sleeping bag, and toiletries in the car. Like, I'm ready. Always ready.

Unhinged Post #3: In the very wee hours of this morning I woke up having some kind of anxious meltdown (skin crawling, heart racing--which feels ridiculous when you've literally been at rest, ASLEEP), mostly, I assume about this coming week but also lol thinking about Lightning McQueen's spiritual well-being.

Unhinged Post #4: It's 12:39AM on a work night but I just saw Cars 3 again and seriously, though, I love these movies and Lightning McQueen so much it's making it difficult to function. There's just something so pure and untouchable about them.  I just--I love the way he fidgets his front wheel when his agent asks him to name all the friends he wants to send comp tickets to, and he realizes he doesn't have any. I love his absurdly expressive body language, which still adheres to some laws of physics, somehow. I love that he had headlights put in. I love how much he loved the moonshine run. I love that Doc was so proud of him. I love that he made it out of a demolition derby without any body damage whatsoever. I love that Pixar lets you see his entire undercarriage. I love that Pixar knows that his body is fashioned out of 24-gauge cold-rolled sheet metal over a tubular frame with a full race V8. I love his dopey self-pep talks. I love that he will always be a dirt racer. I love how sincere he is about everything. I love my baby race car. <3

Unhinged Post #5: [my multi-paragraph pitch for what I think a Cars 4 should tackle]

Unhinged Post #6: This is like some kind of weird drug trip, isn't it. I spent five hours today listening to the Cars 3 orchestral soundtrack, and the only reason I didn't listen to it the other three hours of the work day is because I was in a meeting. And I listened to the Cars 1 soundtrack all the way to work and allllll the way back (which takes twice as long, because rush hour). 

Unhinged Post #7: [a five-part meta on how I approach writing cars fan fiction--keep in mind this group of friends LITERALLY DOES NOT CARE OR KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARS, AND THEY JUST SUFFERED THROUGH SIX RAPID-FIRE NUTTY POSTS ABOUT IT]

#lightning mcqueen #cars 3 #pixar cars #cars fandom #longpost #that's my baby racecar <3 #holy crap whipple tl;dr #whipple why #whipple words

[cicinicole-14]

coco’s college story

I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...

college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing. 

I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor. 

summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons

pros: 

going to school w/ bff since age 3

1,025 miles from home and from my mother* 

good science program so I can be a dr?? 

location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida

cons: 

is hella expensive**

1,025 miles from home 

current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)

leaving friends I have in florida

tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them. 

2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc… 

but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked. 

and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college. 

now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college. 

so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college. 

it’s 1,025 miles away from home

I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).

I was leaving my friends

I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart 

I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog

this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister’s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that. 

my life plan

holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:

my life:

go to college out of state

make money

be a doctor in the nicu

be a mom/foster/adopt kids

own lotsa pets

have enough money to build my own house

were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked. 

since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old. 

college has since changed that plan...

about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)

so that happened, and threw me for a loop. 

college is just extremely different in general.

I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things. 

professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird. 

your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it. 

nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????

I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses. 

college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for… 

college is stressful. 

and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting. 

I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too. 

and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier. 

and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.

I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow. 

and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush. 

notes:

*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her

**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table… 

***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically. 

so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one

xx cici 

#coco’s college story #personal

[croissantbae]

Best of the Decade

This has been the most nonchalant 12/31 of my life.  Jimmy, Jason and I finished Bridesmaids (Jimmy fell asleep) and when it was over Jason asked “... should we go somewhere? should we do something” and I had no idea what he was talking about.  It took me a second to realize it was NYE.  Instead, I asked if we could each take some time to reflect on the decade.  Peloton (my lord and savior) has been having “Best of the Decade” rides and a lot of the instructors have been talking about how much they’ve grown over the decade and it’s inspired me to reflect not just on this year but everything since 2010.  I thought about one major event per year in the past decade:

2010:  Got Into and Started Law School

2011:  Spent My First Summer in New York (Getting Paid$$$$)

2012:  Moved to San Francisco (from Berkeley)

2013:  Graduated From Law School.  Moved to New York

2014:  Jason and I Officially Got Together

2015:  Jason and I Got Engaged and I Moved Back to LA

2016:  Jason and I Fought A Lot [this isn’t a major event but its all I can remember from this year]

2017:  Jason and I Got Married

2018:  Got Pregnant

2019:  Naya Was Born

Looking at the trajectory of the above, my life shifts from focusing on school/career, to relationship, to baby (which is a natural progression for many people’s lives I think).  I can’t believe that I’ve been in the legal world for a decade now.  I never wanted to be a lawyer and here I am 10 years later still in it. I made a $50 bet with one of my coworkers that I would never make partner  and somehow, by a loophole, I lost the bet. A lot of people talk about how 2020 is going to be their year (”gonna see clear in 2020″) but I hope 2020 is going to be my worst year.  I say that because I am planning on throwing myself into my work so I can get my bonus.  Then I want out.  I’ve said this literally every year since my second year and I could see myself getting stuck (the mostly likely candidate for keeping me in is getting enticed by another maternity leave) but my true and genuine hope is that after one horrendous year I will be free.  Free to enter into a boring, mediocre job that pays just ok (acc to big law’s standards).  Watching Marvelous Mrs. Maisel I feel small smokes of desire stoking in me, hoping to enjoy my job, to love what I do (and to look marvelous doing it) but I don’t want to go down that road. My last decade was spent languishing over my career - just really grappling with it. I’m over it now. I want this next decade to be about more than that.  As noted above, my life transitions into Naya. In this next decade of life I will be turning 40 (assuming I get to live that long).  I don’t want to keep wasting so much of my brain space on my job.  [Note: I really admire Christine Paik for taking the brave step to quit big law and taking this time to figure out her next steps but as she’s noted this year is for a “character change”, not just career. I just wanted to note this because I don’t want to imply that I don’t think it’s important to figure out what job or career one may want to have but (1) it was such a source of stress for me that I can’t and don’t want to do it anymore and (2) I think a whole character change is so much of a better way to think about it. Career is only one aspect of who we are. It’s not always about what we do.]

I used to care a lot about experiencing new things.  Everything had to be new.  If I went to a restaurant, I only ordered something I hadn’t tried before.  I didn’t even like going to the same restaurant.  I didn’t like re-watching movies, or shows.  To me, if it wasn’t new it seemed like a waste of time (I could not understand people who watched re-runs of Friends... ie. Hera).  There was so much to see and experience.  But over time, I realized there really is nothing new under the sun (perhaps a plague of globalization).  The jig was up.  But parenthood has brought back true newness in my life.  In pregnancy, everything was new. I have one million videos of Naya kicking in my stomach because it was so fascinating.  I pored over articles and posts about child rearing and a whole new world of information was exposed to me. Giving birth was one hell of a new experience.  Breastfeeding was new.  Bathing a child was new.  You get the picture.  I got to experience new things in taking care of her but I also got to see the world in a new way (again) by looking at things from her perspective.  The other day, we went to the doctor’s office and when Naya was getting weighed, instead of laying her down on the scale, I sat her upright and she teetered a little bit, struggling to balance.  I could see the fear in her eyes.  She cried out, alarmed, unsure of what her body was doing.  And I got to feel, through her expression, what it feels like to acknowledge being alone, sitting on your own, for the first time (she’s sat up on her own before, but this appeared to be the first time she knew what she was doing).  Another day Jason was using a power drill to put a curtain up and when I took her closer to see what her dad was doing she screamed at the noise.  She seemed scared by it but also like she was yelling at it to stop.  She has no idea what the noise is from, she just knows that its loud and scary.  She has to learn everything about everything from scratch and witnessing that has been a wonderfully new experience for me.  Naya’s name actually means “new” in Hebrew. She is our firstborn and through her there will only be firsts - first time experiencing terrible twos, first time raising a teenager, first time sending a kid to college, etc.  And that’s how I want the decade to go.  But this first year, 2020, is going to be a horrible one.  It’s not a great way to kick off a decade but it’s worth it, because of what I hope will come afterward.  

This maternity leave has truly been the best vacation of my life.  I don’t know if its amnesia but I don’t think I’ve felt this good about a break EVER.  I think that’s the benefit of big law.  It makes you feel so down sometimes that the good times feel EXTREMELY good in comparison.  I love living with my mom.  A few weeks ago I was upstairs  on my computer and Jason was away in San Diego. I thought my mom had long fallen asleep but she came out and started cooking, eating leftovers while it was still heating on the stove.  She got hungry and needed a snack so I joined her and we just stood there, next to the stove, talking while eating bomb ass leftover Korean food.  I’ve loved seeing her laugh hysterically at the tiny little things Naya does. She calls Naya beautiful and princess and it always surprises me because my mom is just not a tender person like that.  She usually calls babies ugly.  I’m so happy that my brother is back from New York.  I’ve always had this image of my relationship with Jimmy.  That we were so close but in reality we’ve drifted since I’ve been in LA and he was in NY.  I mean we’re siblings so we’ll always be close but now we can be a real family again in our adult lives.  I always remember something my cousin posted about her college friends.  She said that they had become “update friends” where you talk to each other just to update each other on the latest happenings but that she missed living together, doing nothing together, and just existing together.  That’s what I look forward to with my brother.  Not having to update each other on anything but just being around each other, raising our kids together, etc.  

Now, on to Jason (I have to say nice things about him because he’s going to read this post.  Jk.  But he is going to read it).  Other than Naya, marrying Jason has been the best thing to happen to me (and I mean it) from the past decade.  I’ve said this before but he’s a better person than I realized when we were friends and when we were dating.  I can’t believe how lucky I am that it worked out that way. There are so many losers out there, both in hiding and in the open, but I found a guy that was hiding how great he was!  He just took his good heart and wrapped it up in a soft lanky body with an awkward personality (jk Jason you’re not awkward anymore).  He’s been such an amazing dad and partner. I’m curious to see how he’ll change in the next decade -- will he bald (its not just me turning 40...)?  will he get fat?  will he become a director at Kaiser?  how will he father our kids once they can talk and they actually have personalities?  will he do social work? One thing I do hope, however, is that he’ll always be a romantic and we’ll always be happily married.  We’re still kind of newlyweds.  We’ve only been married for 2.75 years so we’re still young in our marriage but I want us to continue to have our pillow talks, to explore farmers markets and restaurants and new places together (with or without kids).  I hope we can retire like we’re always dreaming of.  I hope we can build a garden and cook using the fresh veggies and herbs we grow from it.  I hope we make it to the end together... somehow with neither of us having to die before the other.  

And now onwards to the future.  Resolutions!  I don’t have many this year.  I pretty much failed all my resolutions from last year (walk 10k steps a day, finish a first draft of my book, finish my children’s book -- all failed).  But here are the few I’d like to attempt this year:

1.  Peloton:  Ride 2-3x a week.  Jess King and Cody Rigsby both talked about how they made a change in their lives by deciding to say “yes” to new opps.  I want to have a bit of that mentality this upcoming year given the fact that I’ll be making a transition shortly afterwards.  Good to keep my heart open to new opps (even if its not the one that I think I want).  I know this is going to sound like I’ve seriously drunk the Kool-Aid but at this point I don’t even ride the Peloton to lose weight.  It’s because I physically and mentally feel better after riding. Also I (apparently) get life lessons too! I just got my century shirt (HEHE).  

2.  Writing:  write at least 10 minutes a day.  That way I will have written 1 hour a week. I’m sure I’ll fail on some days but “shoot for the moon and at least you’ll land amongst the stars” (Jason thought the saying was the opposite  (shoot for the stars...) because stars are farther away than the moon).  

3.  Money:  Save 60% (collectively).  I dream of buying a gorgeous 3,000 sq foot home either in Glendale or Los Feliz but realistically we can’t make that happen right now and I want to squirrel away as much money as we can while we can. For Naya’s future, for our future.  I need to stop buying stupid useless stuff from Amazon (and I hate myself every time I do because I know Bezos/Amazon is so evil).  My mom is so excessive, it really is a problem -- we’re constantly throwing away food because its gone to waste.  I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want Naya to think its okay to be so excessive either. 

4.  Church: I would like to try going to church again.  My goal is to check out a few churches. We don’t have to commit to any, I just want to see a few. It’s been so long since I’ve been to a service I don’t know what it’s like anymore. 

[sokuly]

Things about top surgery (will be a long post; hang on and read whatever topic you need)

I had a double incision mastectomy with free nipple grafts with Dr. Daniel Medalie on May 18, 2017. Here’s just some things I personally have experienced that may help others pursuing top surgery, wether or not it’s with Dr. Medalie. Before scheduling: I got into contact with Valerie, his receptionist. She’s very helpful and will try to answer any questions you might have. I live about 2 hours away from Cleveland, so it was up to me if I wanted an in person consult or just over email. I got my therapist letter and photos of my chest ready and sent out. Photos via email. The consult was $60. When I heard back, he signed off on my therapist note, and told me I was borderline for either surgery; peri vs double incision. He said he would need to see me in person to make that call, but it could wait until the day of surgery. I wanted to know what to prepare for so I went to Cleveland about 2 weeks after. I was not charged for this in person meeting. He told me he could do peri if I was concerned about the scars that DI would give, but he would prefer DI as he was worried about the extra skin. Ultimately it was my choice. I was hoping for so long I could get peri and not have scars. However, I wanted the most aesthetically appealing option. I didn’t want extra skin. I didn’t want “unknown” nipple landing, especially with the extra skin. I made my decision of DI, based on Dr. Medalie having more control of nipple placement, contour, and removal of the extra skin. I got home and pondered when to schedule. Before surgery: I scheduled about 2 months prior, and was hoping for a Friday date, but was told he doesn’t operate on Fridays so I took the Thursday, which was fine with me. I think it was about a $250 deposit to schedule. In those 2 months, it was more of me focusing on work and not really thinking of surgery, except applying for CareCredit. About a month out, my fiancé and I started putting some things together for the trip to Cleveland: food, post op care (light food like crackers, blankets, clothing, etc.), money, who’s taking care of the cats while we’re gone, and so on. We stayed at a Super 8 in Beachwood, OH (it’s like 10 minutes away from the surgery center and his office). We went to Cleveland the day before my surgery. On our way, the surgery center called to confirm my appointment, 9:15am and to arrive an hour early. We got to the hotel around 2:30-3:00pm. My grandparents and dad also came with us, different hotel room. They bought dinner. I couldn’t stop pacing. It was hard to get to sleep. Day of: I naturally woke up way before my alarm, but continued to force myself back to sleep; it was the last time I could curl up and cuddle with my fiancé for a while. I needed that time. But I also couldn’t hold still for anything. We got up, I got comfy clothes on (red athletic shorts and a purple button down flannel. I looked fantastic, trust me), and continued to pace. We headed for the surgery center at about 7:45. The things we took to the center: a comfort blanket (literally any blanket you really like), a pillow, and my post op vest (this is important!). We got there, I got all checked in and paid my fees. I sat down for like… 2 minutes and was called back. Usual questions, urine sample (which was collected in a styrofoam cup??), got told to strip down except for underwear. Which I wasn’t wearing. So that was awkward but whatever. Put on the gown and surgery socks. Nurse took me to my bed and kept asking if I was cold. Honestly I was burning up. She said that’s pretty usual, we come in burning up and leave freezing. She got everything ready to start my IV. She numbed the area, commented on how nice my veins are, stuck me and blew the vein. I warned her that my veins don’t take nicely to IV needles. She profusely apologized and felt so bad about it. I kept telling her it was fine and I was expecting it to happen the first time. Second numbing, second stick, worked. More apologizing. She went and got my grandparents first. Saw the anesthesiologist. Grandparents left and my dad and fiancé came back to see me. Dr. Medalie came back, drew on me, talked a bit, was on his way. Anesthesiologist came back, he was an odd but funny guy. Maybe I just get his sense of humor. We talked a bit, his nurse came with him and started doing her thing. Anti-nausea via IV, another anti-nausea medicine via patch behind the ear (I usually get really sick from anesthesia). And then some relaxing medicine. I was so out of it when it hit, I don’t remember much. Wheeled back to the OR and remember them having some issue with my left arm board. Then I was in recovery. Dad told me to wake up and I flipped him off. I asked the nurse for water. And then to pee. And then for a warm blanket. I was surprisingly mobile and awake for just coming out of anesthesia. The nurse helped me get dressed and sat me in a chair while my discharge was being approved and they showed my fiancé how to empty my drains. My fiancé went to get her car and the nurse loaded me up, pillow behind my back and seat leaned back a bit and even put my blanket over me after getting my seatbelt on. Got back to the hotel, dad watched over me while my fiancé went to get my prescriptions. She got back, I took a pill, I slept most of that day. My waking moments were spent snacking on crackers, my drains being emptied, peeing, and watching The Weather Channel. It was the only thing on TV I could focus on. Until I passed back out. The following days in Cleveland: Drains being emptied, peeing, Weather Channel, Percocet, crackers, Powerade. I got up sometime Friday evening and went for a short walk with my fiancé. Sleeping post op in the hotel I was in a chair that had a footrest. YOU WILL NEED YOUR OWN SPACE TO SLEEP. My body pillow was perfect under my feet since the footrest was JUST too low for me. Had a pillow under my back, decently sized light blanket over me. I sleep hot, so we just brought a light blanket from home so I wouldn’t overheat, plus a comfort thing. We left Cleveland Saturday morning. Back home: I was still sleeping in a recliner. Body pillow next to me for one arm and a pile of blankets for the other. Again light blanket. We brought the recliner to the bedroom before we left home so my fiancé could have the bed while also being there if I needed anything in the middle of the night. Still emptying drains. May 23, 2017 Goodbye drains: My post op appointment. Take your narcotic about an hour before your appointment or before you go! Being on the road isn’t exactly comfortable. Plus it helps with whatever pain you have during the drain removal. I had to pee by time we got there so I went and then was in the room with his nurse Mary and my fiancé. Mary is really cool and pretty funny. Mary opened my vest and the feeling of being able to breathe was shocking. I didn’t realize it was that tight. Off came the foam (and probably all of my chest hair) and I could see my chest for the first time post op! Seeing my chest: After the foam was off, I looked down and the first thing out of my mouth was “oh. Woah. They’re gone”. Nothing can really prepare you for your reaction. I thought I was going to be over the moon and happy crying like the other guys who posted their reveal videos. But I wasn’t. There was this relief. Realization that I closed a chapter on a part of my life and this new one just started. I was happy, but not how it was going to happen in my head for so long. It was just pure relief. It was flatter than I thought (later to realize it was just from all the compression). A lot less “I got hit by a train” than I thought too. Dr. Medalie came in after my drains were pulled (will be discussed soon) and basically said I looked perfect and was good to go. My next 10 days: I’m a day away from day 10 post post-op (a day shy of 2 weeks post op) at the time of writing this. I was still sleeping in my recliner for a while and just got back into bed a few nights ago, surrounded by pillows and blankets to keep me from rolling. My mobility has greatly improved over the past few days. I take ibuprofen for any pain. I use ice packs when I’m really sore. I take dressing changes seriously since it’s a short time I can breathe and move. After tomorrow the steri-strips come off and I’m done with this compression vest. I can soak in a bath as long has my chest is above water. I use a cup to wet and rinse my upper body and hair. I use baby soap. I’ve been able to finally lay on my side with great care in the past like 2-3 days. Take it slow! Let’s talk drains: They absolutely suck. I’m pretty sure it was the worst thing about this whole process. They’re annoying. They’re weird. They hurt sometimes. I was so happy to finally get them out. Which is also a very odd feeling. It kinda pinches, kinda burns, kinda hurts. I don’t know how to really explain it. My left one actually hurt coming out, but I had armpit hair caught up in the suture and all that. Take the narcotic before you get them out. I was told to do that, and I’m glad I did. How about those nips: They’ll look really weird at first. Like ghost nips. Do the dressings EXACTLY as Mary tells you. You don’t wanna lose them. My nips are starting to scab, blister, and peel. THIS IS NORMAL. Just keep them dressed as explained by Mary and the paperwork she gives you. I have limited feeling in mine; I can feel the outer edges but not much on the inside. It’s really weird, but also normal. Not about nips but: as your chest hair grows back (they shaved my chest) it’s going to itch like no other. Things I’m glad to have/have had: Pillow(s), comfortable blankets, laxatives!!! (MILK OF MAGNESIA. Do yourself a favor and get it), ibuprofen, Gatorade/Powerade, slightly heavier blanket for my chest (in case the fur kids wanted to love on me), body pillow, open front shirts (get a few cheap shirts/tank tops and cut them open in the front)

To keep from stupid long posts in the future I’ll update more regularly. Thanks for reading and I hope it helps! Any questions, please ask!

#top surgery #ftm #ftm transman #transitioning #transition #trans #transgender #transguy #transmale #transman #dr medalie #chest surgery #Medalie #dr Daniel Medalie #Daniel Medalie

[naturepointstheway]

“Eclipsed Days in the Sun” (Beauty and the Beast (2017) oneshot)

Days had passed since the passing of the prince’s poor mother to the illness that claimed her--consumption, the doctors diagnosed. But no one had to be a doctor to recognise the red spots of coughed up blood on a handkerchief hailing the arrival of Death at her doorstep. Less than forty-eight hours later, she had passed away in her sleep. The prince had refused to leave her bedside, not until his father had grabbed him by the shoulders and steered him out of the room. He had not even been allowed even a final farewell during the funerary wake, his father “explaining” that the boy had spent long enough at her bedside post-mortem to say a proper goodbye to her. When the boy looked about to cry--Lumiere had been there at the time to see it--his father struck him across the face, sternly telling him that a man never should show such weakness. When Lumiere had interrupted to defend the boy prince, the father simply glowered at him.

“Quiet, old fool, you dare question how I raise the prince?”

Lumiere--who really wasn’t that old at all, merely in his twenties--squared his shoulders. “I offer advice that is all.”

“Then consider your “advice” dismissed. The prince is mine to raise alone, not yours or anyone else’s. He is a man, not a boy, and I alone will raise him.“ 

He is all but seven years old! Lumiere had protested in his head, but did not dare say aloud, lest he risk his career at the castle. He certainly wasn’t about to risk never seeing Plumette again.

He could only hope that somehow the boy would cling on to the good his mother had instilled in his heart, and he would still feel safe enough to come to the servants he had always trusted including himself, Mrs Potts, Chapeau, and of course, his cherished Plumette.

Nearly a year had passed since the death of the prince’s mother, and already Lumiere could see the changes in how the boy approached others, including himself. He was alarmed when he had overheard Mrs Potts murmuring to the other kitchen staff, her young forehead wrinkled with consternation, about how the boy never smiled or said “thank you” for a cup of tea anymore. As a matter of fact, sometimes she’d find the tea undisturbed, left to grow cold for hours before someone else cleared it away. The chief added in how the boy now demanded this or that and became increasingly inclined to complain about any little nitpick in the meal. Even Chapeau chimed in to say how the boy would just toss his cloak or whatever else at him and tell him to clean it up or put it away for him.

A shiver had gone up his spine--not one year had elapsed since his mother’s death, and now he already was changing for the worse under his father’s thumb.

There’s still hope, he convinced himself, Maybe he’ll come around soon enough.

It was an exceedingly rare time when his hopes could be trampled upon, but one particular evening happened to be one of those times. He had been talking with Plumette in the servant quarters when the young prince walked in, an uncharacteristically sombre look in his eyes as he went up to Lumiere, carrying something in his hands.

“Hello, Prince Adam,” Lumiere greeted him with his characteristic grin, “Come to join the conversation?”

He didn’t smile back, not even a twitch of his lips, simply holding out the three juggling balls Lumiere had gifted to him when the boy had turned four.

“Oh, you want me to juggle for you?” Lumiere put down his glass of wine and held out his hands, palms up.

But the boy dumped the blue, red, green, and yellow trio of juggling balls in the man’s hands.

“I don’t want to juggle anymore. It is for children.”

Lumiere, struck dumb for a second, quickly recovered himself and as lightly as possible, “It’s for everyone--look at me, a grown man and I still love juggling!”

“I do not care to juggle anymore.”

And with that, the boy spun on his heel and strode out of the room, leaving Lumiere to stare at the juggling balls, heart sinking in devastation. Only Plumette’s hand curling around his wrist, and her head leaning on his shoulder, eased at least an edge off his numb shock.

He’s gone now.

His hands convulsed, fingers clenching around the juggling balls in sudden anger.

“I hate his father,” he hissed between clenched teeth, “And we can do nothing.”

One of Plumette’s hands came up to rest against his cheek, providing some consolation.

“I know,” she whispered, “All we can do is pray, my love.”

“For his sake, I hope you’re right.”

Now, in the present day, nearly eight months since the curse was lifted, Lumiere found himself perched on the edge of his bed, an opened dusty trunk at his feet. He had been dragging out trunks everything--literally everything--he had kept over a lifetime of serving at the castle. Every year, without fail, Plumette would try to persuade him that he surely didn’t need all that stuff anymore, but Lumiere always kept everything “just in case”. He couldn’t remember a day he’d ever thrown anything away. Now “just in case” had arrived, Plumette with child. An hour ago, she had thrown on a cloak, informing Lumiere she was going on a walk with Belle to talk about something “important”, strongly hinting at it with a hand on her round belly.

Now here he was, staring at those three juggling balls again. They had been tucked in a corner of this trunk--one of the very last five to rummage through--and a split-second later, memories had come flooding back, of teaching the young boy juggling basics, how he had made a show out of a standing ovation the first time the young prince got something right, and the day he’d had them returned to him out of the blue.

Does he even remember anything about it now? he wondered.

A firm knock at the door jolted him out of his musings, standing up too quickly to stop himself tripping over the open trunk, sprawling over it, juggling balls going three separate ways. Standing up, he brushed himself off and strode to the door--a quick glance at a clock told him it was past eleven at night. Opening the door, he was pleasantly surprised to see the prince on the other side, two wine glasses in one hand and a wine bottle in the other.

“Oh, you’re still up?” Adam commented, “I was hoping to celebrate with you about Belle.”

I knew it!

“I know, Adam, congratulations!”

The prince’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “How...how did you know?”

A casual, off-hand shrug. “Plumette went off to have a “very important chat” with Belle. You might say I put two and two together.”

Adam looked over Lumiere’s shoulder, “Been sorting through your eight million trunks I see.”

Reminded again of what he had just found in the trunk, he looked away from the prince so he might not see any hint of sadness in his expression.

“Not quite eight million, my prince, but getting there.”

Prince Adam strode to a table next to a window overlooking the garden outside, wine glasses clinking as he set them down along with the full bottle of rich red wine.

“Care to come sit down?”

“After I tidy up,” Lumiere said quickly, now moving to dump everything into the trunk. 

Behind him, Adam laughed. “Or dump everything in the suitcase.”

“I don’t have time to waste folding and tucking everything in neatly thank you.”

“Mrs Potts--”

“Would be appalled, yes, I know.”

He knew Mrs Potts had long ago given up on chastising him about his wrinkled clothes when ironing them. Bless her, she’d tried at first, but soon realised it was futile to try and “fix” his less than tidy treatment of putting away his clothes. Not even Plumette could persuade him.

“Are those juggling balls down there on the floor?”

Lumiere glanced over at them, “I suppose they are,” he said, voice as off-casual as possible. “Nothing...special.”

"Oh I don’t know, Lumiere, it sounds like they’re special to you.”

He took his time picking them up, two in one hand and one in the other. Idly tossing one up and down, he turned to face the prince again.

“They were special once.” he concurred.

The prince grinned, raising his glass, “Show us a trick or two, Lumiere.”

“To be fair, I probably forgot everything after spending over a decade as a candelabra.”

Adam still didn’t give up hope. “Maybe you remember something.”

“I’ll give it a go then.”

Lumiere threw one ball up in the air, quickly transferring a second to his empty palm, before throwing up the third in the air. He managed this for all of three seconds before he somehow ended up tossing one of them onto the table, right into Adam’s drink. He couldn’t help a small flinch, left over from the days of when the prince was a volatile Beast, almost as if he still expected him to snap at him.

To his relief, the prince threw his head back with a laugh. “Now there’s a trick I want to see again.” With a flick of his wrist, he brought the glass up to his lips, sipping it with an exaggerated look of thoughtfulness. “Hmm...interesting new taste to the wine. Dusty with an edge of childhood memories. Not sure the rest of France will take to the unique flavour though. It would be an acquired taste.” Putting it down again on the table, the prince fished out the ball, a new look of surprise on his face, “Huh, there’s some writing here.”

Lumiere’s initial laugh gave way to silence. “Writing?”

“For the young prince,” he read aloud, “Interesting. You already guessing at the sex of Belle and I’s baby?”

Lumiere sat down across from the prince, setting down the other two balls, pouring himself a glass of wine.

“Actually, that had been for another prince.”

“Another prince?”

“A prince that once loved to watch me juggle, and was beyond ecstatic when I gifted him with these juggling balls for his fourth birthday. See? Four colours, one for each year. If you’re four, that is.”

“If they’re a gift, then why do you have them?”

“The prince didn’t want them anymore. Probably his father said juggling was for children. Imagine,” he took a long sip from his glass, “An eight year old child, who lost his mother barely a year ago, suddenly saying such play was only for children. His father...was a cruel man.”

Adam snapped his head up to stare at Lumiere, his expression stricken.

“Lumiere, are you saying that these once were mine?”

“A gift.”

“And I gave them back to you?”

“Yes.”

The prince slammed a fist on the table, making their wine glasses jump. “My father’s doing, no doubt.”

“Of course.” 

Adam reached to grab the other two juggling balls, holding them in his other hand. He looked back up at Lumiere.

“Lumiere, if you don’t mind me....”

“Have them. They were a gift in the first place.”

“I’ve probably forgotten everything,” the prince shook his head in dismay, “How can I show my future baby how to juggle?”

Lumiere leaned back in his chair, folding his arms. “First, you only have to ask me, and yes, of course I’ll show you some tricks again. Now show me what you can do.”

But the prince hesitated, seeming unsure of the first thing to do.

“I mean beyond just staring at them. Try throwing one up in the air.”

The tension in the air seemed to disappear at once with the prince’s laugh, joined soon enough by Lumiere.

“Alright, alright, I get it, Lumiere.”

With that, he tossed one up in the air, and in trying to catch it again, nearly knocked over the wine bottle. Mercifully, Lumiere’s quick reflexes saved the table cloth from a fresh new red dye.

“Good start, Adam, but try not to knock over the wine bottles.”

“Says the man who managed to juggle one right into my glass. I admit, it offered a new possible beverage item to add to the wine list during the next festival.”

“Well, I think the baby can afford to wait a few more years before showing him that particular wine trick.”

The prince grinned, setting down the juggling balls again on the table, picking up his glass of wine as if to initiate a toast.

“But first, let’s toast to Plumette and to Belle.”

Lumiere picked up his glass, raising it in the prince’s directioin. “To Plumette and Belle.”

Clink!

#Beauty and the Beast #batb2017 #2017 fanfiction