Dave Strider, Roxy Lalonde, Dirk Strider, Karkat Vantas
Meat, page 32
DAVE: yo
DAVE: love to chat but im kinda in the middle of something
ROXY: yo yourself but this is important
DAVE: uhhh
DAVE: more important than salvaging the global economy from potential disaster??
DAVE: sounds hugely unlikely
ROXY: idk about that
ROXY: in terms of scale and relativity and stuff maybe not
ROXY: its actually kinda hard to tell
ROXY: i guess in the grand scheme of things
ROXY: shes just takin a sort of nap
ROXY: but its one HELL of a nap bro
DAVE: a nap you say
DAVE: well this changes the fuck out of everything
ROXY: yea??
DAVE: nah
ROXY: lmao dirk just texted me about this
ROXY: somehow he found out about jade did u tell him
DAVE: uh no
ROXY: he just said make sure she gets lotsa daylight
ROXY: that itll help with the “exorcism she needs”.....
ROXY: and also to say hi to calliope for some fuckin reason??
DAVE: thats weird
DAVE: since when does he give a fuck about them
ROXY: idk
ROXY: guess ill just open the damn curtains and let some light in here
ROXY: he usually knows stuff about weird things
DAVE: so whats wrong with her again
DAVE: like
DAVE: some sort of demonic nap
ROXY: ok i wouldnt say shes NAPPING per se
ROXY: shes just like
ROXY: floatin here... upright
ROXY: eyes wide open
ROXY: and theyre both pitch black
DAVE: oh so she saw one of my latest sbahj campaign ads
ROXY: lol
ROXY: no dude
ROXY: like what im sayin is
ROXY: she looks a lil possessed
ROXY: by uh
ROXY: grim spirits n shit
DAVE: is she fucking grimbark again
ROXY: no!
ROXY: this isnt grimbark
ROXY: i KNOW what grimbark is dave this aint it
ROXY: it seems more serious tbh??
ROXY: like existing in some transformative state that isnt a literal fuckin joke
DAVE: ok yeah this does sound pretty bad
DAVE: but its not really my field
DAVE: did you try calling rose
ROXY: yea that was totes my original plan
ROXY: like no offense ur not #1 on my speed dial when it comes to this kinda thing
ROXY: but rose isnt picking up
ROXY: probly on account of ailments to be fair
ROXY: i called an unruly number of times
ROXY: and kan wasnt picking up either so...
DAVE: huh
DAVE: spooky
ROXY: hella spooky
ROXY: somethin about all this seems wrong
DAVE: yeah i guess
DAVE: what do you think is up
ROXY: idk
ROXY: i feel like theres something movin just out the corner of my vision but every time i turn to look at it
ROXY: its gone
ROXY: its givin me chills rn like im being watched
DAVE: well im no fucking ace detective
DAVE: or some gumshoe flatfoot dicking up the place suckin hard on my sherlock pipe like some sleuth of the fucking year
ROXY: dave
DAVE: but maybe we should consider the possibility that you are literally being watched
ROXY: ..............
DAVE: anyway can we hold that wise and rad thought i just had
DAVE: i gotta give karkat some emotional support
DAVE: since gettin jake on our side was a pretty huge fucking bonanza for us
DAVE: which has almost equal probability of winning us the election as it does blowing up in our faces depending on this speech he gives
DAVE: so we gotta like
DAVE: concentrate here?????
DAVE: instead of jerking each other off all god damned day for the rest of our lives
DAVE: (im just joking we dont actually do that)
ROXY: oh
ROXY: jakes on ur side then?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: wasnt that hard to convince him after your girl j crock started slut shaming him on public access
ROXY: god dammit jane
DAVE: so i take it jade didnt convert you to our cause before going into her gothic trance fugue or whatever
ROXY: siiigh
ROXY: i just want this whole stupid political thing over n done with tbh
ROXY: i hate watchin u guys tear each other apart in the news
DAVE: yeah sorry about that
DAVE: sorry its making you feel bad i mean
DAVE: not sorry that were doin it
DAVE: itd be an unconscionably lame move to put something on a billboard that i didnt 100% stand by
DAVE: but that sounds suspiciously like something jane would do
DAVE: aka the bad guy in this situation
DAVE: like objectively speaking
ROXY: ugh pls dont start
DAVE: just sayin
ROXY: idgAF!!!
DAVE: also
DAVE: aside from how vehemently i disagree with every detail in janes shitty platform
DAVE: i also think
DAVE: karkats the right guy for the job
DAVE: full stop
ROXY: you rly believe in him dont u
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: of course i do
DAVE: because i...
ROXY: hey before you jet can i ask you another question
ROXY: theres somethin else ive been meanin to ask u about for a while
DAVE: uh alright shoot
ROXY: yea soooo
ROXY: dave how did you come out
DAVE: ...
DAVE: what?
ROXY: like as not being straight
ROXY: howd you couch that to ppl w/o them freakin out or being awkward around u
ROXY: do u think its ever too late to
ROXY: idk
ROXY: change ur mind?
ROXY: about the person you wanna be??
ROXY: like is there a some point of no return you can cross where everyone is waitin for u to have a big ass revelation about your internal character
ROXY: but its like “dude no u already used up all ur gay capital when u started datefriend cohabitating w a cute as hell skeleton alien”
ROXY: and anything after that ur just gettin greedy
ROXY: is greedy even the right word
ROXY: greedy for droppin bombshells
ROXY: bout gender identities and sexual preferences
ROXY: or ids n preffies as i like to call em ;)
DAVE: ids n preffies
DAVE: damn
DAVE: thats fucking good
DAVE: anyway uh
DAVE: thats a pretty deep question considering all the shit we have going on right now
ROXY: yeah ur right
ROXY: now is probs not the best time for a feels jam
ROXY: especially with the creepy jade situation happening on my couch here
DAVE: i dunno if id worry too much about that
DAVE: jade goes into trances literally all the time
DAVE: she fucking loves sleeping
DAVE: youd think someone who spent so much of her life locked in a state of dubiously consensual slumber would wanna get as few zees as possible in her adult life but not jade
DAVE: ive never known anyone who hits the snooze button more times in a row than her
DAVE: if youre that worried take her to a hospital
ROXY: im thinkin about it!!
ROXY: not even sure if i wanna like
ROXY: mess with her tho?
ROXY: how would i even take her there...
DAVE: ok well while you ponder whether you wanna dump jade in a wheelbarrow and trundle her groggy spooked-up ass to the hospital
DAVE: in the meantime ill rap at you about my epiphany concerning the desire to bone some dudes
DAVE: probably not a literal rap though
ROXY: wow im disappointed
DAVE: i mean i could TOTALLY rap about wanting to bone dudes if i wanted?
DAVE: im just on the fuckin clock here and theres lots of people lookin at me
ROXY: :(
DAVE: ok so
DAVE: what ive learned is
DAVE: coming to terms with all this bullshit is a thing you sort of do in stages
DAVE: like stage one is you making jokes about how sweaty dudes standing close together in tv shows seems really gay
DAVE: stage two is making jokes about that and not immediately adding no homo afterward
DAVE: stage three is flirting with all your male friends ironically and not even thinking about adding no homo afterward because youre so fuckin woke and secure in your ironclad straight masculinity that you dont have anything to prove to anybody anymore
DAVE: or thats just what you say out loud
DAVE: inside you start being like
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: maybe yes homo
DAVE: stage four is freaking out about that and putting the no homo back on all your statements even objectively heterosexual ones which just stupidly makes everything you say sound extra gay
DAVE: stage five is
DAVE: actually wait the next few stages are various permutations of the same thing that i already described
DAVE: it starts being like a gay fractal
DAVE: anyway eventually you arrive at like stage nine
DAVE: which is reminding everyone who will listen that youre gay minimum six times a day
DAVE: in really lame ways like
DAVE: oh cool dude are you making hot pockets
DAVE: better make mine a gay hot pocket
DAVE: cause im a gay homosexual who only consumes homo ass snacks delivered right to my mouth by a big queer butler
DAVE: servin it right up on his huge gay dick
DAVE: but that all only applies to the extent which i am technically gay
DAVE: which in my case is only about maybe 30% to 70%
DAVE: so only cook 30% to 70% of my gay hot pocket
DAVE: cause you know straights are fucking animals who never defrost their pepperoni
DAVE: and i gotta rep for that like 50% straightness still lurking inside me like the idiot who fell asleep in the shopping mall when it was closing for the night
DAVE: so now theres just this straight dude locked in a dark fucking mall for some stupid reason haunting the place like a cryptid and rummaging through the trash in the food court
DAVE: also just in case janes opposition research is listening in on their illegal wiretap i know the word bisexual exists btw im just choosing not to use it in service of spitting some fuckin chuckle jokes here so lets all calm down and not let this one become a distressingly literal federal issue
DAVE: anyway when all is said and done
DAVE: you eat a half cooked hot pocket because all your roommates think the height of humor is taking what was obviously an improvisational riff at unironic face value to punk you
ROXY: dave...
DAVE: what
ROXY: nm
ROXY: i was gonna ask you why ur like this
ROXY: then i remembered about how ur half me and half dirk
DAVE: yeah it really is crazy how those dope late game familial reveals actually did explain everything
ROXY: so whats stage ten
DAVE: stage ten is uhhhhhhhh
DIRK: The Prince opens his fucking mouth, and just literally starts SAYING SHIT, out loud, because he doesn’t think he can take another fucking second listening to a pompous alien virgin monologuing about gender.
DIRK: No consequence, my ass. You may be able to suppress what I do with my mind, but you have no control over my mouth. I’m nobody’s fucking puppet.
DIRK: And you don’t even know my friends. They’re not yours to toy with.
DIRK: They’re mine.
DIRK: Do you even know where I am right now?
DIRK: Do you have the slightest idea what I’m up to
DIRK: Yeah, well. Try and stop me then.
DIRK: I fucking dare you.
DIRK: Here I go. I’m walking up the tower stairs now.
DIRK: Walk, walk, walk. Ah, the exercise feels good.
DIRK: Argh. Wow, yeah.
DIRK: You’re right. My feet are definitely getting heavy.
DIRK: But the Dead Cherub tragically underestimates the Prince’s determination. He powers the fuck through it. See?
DIRK: Stomp, stomp, stomp. Up the stairs he goes. No fucking sweat.
DIRK: Oh also, did he mention? He can fucking fly, so there’s that.
DIRK: He decides to take flight and cut to the chase. He whips up the hollow vertical shaft at the center of the spiraling tower stairs. Life in the fast lane kicks ass, it turns out.
DIRK: He can practically taste the top of the tower.
DIRK: The Prince busts out his sword and makes short work of that big old bell.
DIRK: The slicing is accompanied by the ear-shattering melodic sounds of metal being cleaved apart by an anime sword, as the Prince nimbly avoids the sharp pieces and ricocheting stair debris.
DIRK: He wonders out loud, “what is this, amateur hour”?
DIRK: The Dead Cherub then humorlessly narrates, “why, yes. yes mr. strider, it IS amateur hour. and i’m the amateur here, for throwing a huge bell at you. i would like to humbly apologize for my amateurism.”
DIRK: Sure you do.
DAVE: well lets just say internalized whatevers are kind of like an onion
DAVE: theres lots of layers
DAVE: they suck on pizza
DAVE: and trolls have to get their stomach pumped if they eat them
DAVE: this goes for gender stuff too btw
DAVE: which i kinda get the feeling is what you were actually asking about
ROXY: wow am i rly that transparent?
DAVE: nah but as previously discussed youre a lot like me
DAVE: so it was pretty easy to figure out what you were getting at
ROXY: yea
ROXY: i dont got ur poker face tho
ROXY: but im workin on that!
ROXY: maybe ill get a sick pair of shades too
DAVE: oh DOPE
DAVE: yeah thats dope i support that idea
DIRK: I’m on top of the tower now. I’ve got my long sniper rifle ready and everything.
DIRK: I check to see if it’s loaded. It is. I get in the PERFECT spot for taking aim at this hunky imbecile who’s about to give a speech.
DAVE: anyway i dont think any of our friends are gonna hold your feet to the flames over dumb shit like this
DAVE: and its not like anyone else is gonna care since we definitely forgot to program hating gays and women into earth c
DAVE: humans are all jacked up on hating xenophiles now
DAVE: which sucks a lot too dont get me wrong
DAVE: btw did you know janes a xenophobe
ROXY: dave!!!
DAVE: ok ok
DAVE: so does all this mean i gotta call you dad now or what
ROXY: wat
DAVE: i mean thats what were talkin about right
ROXY: well first of all
ROXY: do u still even make a habit of callin me mom??
ROXY: i thought u kinda stopped that
ROXY: even if it was effin cute
DAVE: oh yeah i guess i did
DAVE: but i could start again
DAVE: but not if it means id have to go to fucking gender jail or something
DAVE: like what i mean is i could start that cute shit again but switch to dad
ROXY: ok but SECOND of all
ROXY: i would never want to deprive dirk of that noble honorific
DAVE: what
DAVE: ugh no way
ROXY: hahaha yeah way hes ya daddy dude!
DAVE: aw fuck noooo
DAVE: wow man
DAVE: i would never call him that
DAVE: i mean i know its true but i just wouldnt...
DAVE: wait
ROXY: what
DAVE: something feels
DAVE: wrong
ROXY: ???
DAVE: like some shits about to go down
DAVE: and i gotta...
DAVE: karkat! dude!!!
DAVE: GET DOWN!
KARKAT: WHAT?????
DIRK: You’re absolutely right.
DIRK: I would never do that.
DIRK: I’d never kill Dave, no matter what I felt the stakes were. I’d never hurt him either.
DIRK: You do understand me pretty well, I’ll give you that. And you’re right about many things.
DIRK: But there are just a couple things you’re wrong about.
DIRK: Pretty important things, actually.
DIRK: First of all, this gun is loaded.
DIRK: But not with bullets.
DIRK: Yes. You’re right about the tranquilizer.
DIRK: But there’s one more fact you’re not aware of.
DIRK: Which is that I never intended to aim for Jake at all.
ROXY: hellooooooo
ROXY: dave??
ROXY: whered ya go
DIRK: No, that’s not what he does.
DIRK: He swings the rifle around one hundred eighty degrees, and points the scope toward the large, now-curtainless window of a distant apartment.
DIRK: He zooms in quickly, cutting even shorter the little time that the Dead Cherub could use to impede him in some way.
DIRK: He takes aim, lets his finger hover over the trigger, and...
DIRK: Ow!
DIRK: Yeah, you got me. Can’t move it an inch.
DIRK: The only problem is, he doesn’t need to pull that trigger.
DIRK: Earlier, when he was messing around with all this shit in plain view, he rigged the rifle to be voice-operated.
DIRK: All he needs to do is say...
DIRK: FIRE.
DIRK: I see. So you’re not going to say what happens next?
DIRK: Is that really how it’s gonna be?
DIRK: So be it.
DIRK: The tranquilizer dart hits the glass of Roxy’s apartment window before the sound from the rifle’s shot even reaches them.
DIRK: She hears the glass break. Seconds later, she hears the bang. She drops her phone on the floor.
DIRK: She doesn’t have the slightest idea what just happened until she looks over at Jade and notices the dart stuck in her neck, right in the jugular vein.
DIRK: She watches as Jade’s huge, creepy black eyes start getting heavy. Her eyelids sag, and her head tilts to the side.
DIRK: She shuts her eyes completely. Her hair stops floating around her ominously. In fact, there’s nothing ominous about her at all anymore. She entirely resumes her status as the cute doggy girl we all know and love.
DIRK: She slumps over and collapses onto the couch. She begins snoring loudly while making a little canine whimper on each exhale.
DIRK: Like the bitch she is.
DIRK: Oh, what’s that? You’re getting a little quiet for some reason.
DIRK: You’re going to have to speak up.
DIRK: Aaand, nope.
DIRK: You’re getting quieter, not louder. You’re gonna need to work on that.
DIRK: Maybe try shouting it?
DIRK: Yeah, I didn’t catch that at all.
DIRK: Not even one syllable.
DIRK: Guess that’s it for you? Back to not mattering.
DIRK: Not that you ever did.
DIRK: Come to think of it, why am I still talking out loud?
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ok yj
literally everyone peacing the fuck out like i cant doooo this shittttttt, coach ben like "um... byeeee" (walks away) and misty having a panic attack bc she lowkey killed someone 2 secs ago, and then the others starting to do rituals in the corner whilst shaunas giving birth......... AND THEN the flashforwards with shauna being . kind of a terrible person... 😭 like i cant even blame her sometimes shauna you have protect #1 here come on woman
LIKE WHAT SHE SAID TO CALLIE CHRIST ALIVE and callie just sorta looking at her like um. as she realises yeah moms kinda cazzzyyyyyyyN BUT LITERALLY . IF I WAS SHAUNA I'D BE MORE THAN FUCKING CRAZY . EVERYTHING SHE WENT THROUGH. FUCKING HELL.
ok im still watching and im about to vom about coach ben just literally playing music in his head and having fantasies about playing party games with his boyfriend hes literally so dead whilst shauna fucking gives birth
UM.......
I THINK IM GOING TO HAVE A MELT DOWN WATCHING THIS
OH GOD THE NOISES OHJHHH MY GODDDD AHHHHHHHRHGHGHGHGHGHGHHG NNONOOOOO IM WATCHING IT ALL GUSH AND MUSH OUT FUCKINGGGG HELLLLLLLLLLLL JESUS CHRISTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
im also so crazy for lottie as well right now god shes so..........
can i also say. van is fucking living the life im so crazy for her little piece of the world i know what tai is saying its all a fantasy but her fucking shop i feel like my eyes are watering can you even imagine bro.......
okay wait sorry i got distracted
but fucking hell okay what i was gonna say about lottie idk okay fucking hell i hope they never confirm whether there is anything supernatural or NOT supernatural in this show i know thats a contentious topic with this right now with ppl saying either or but literally i dont think it MATTERSSS .... its about faith.......... isnt it...
oh god- OH GOD THE SECODS AFTER WHEN EVERYONE WAS LIKE "i knew you could do it" i had a gutwrenching meltdown like fuck the parallels between that and jackie when she was passing over. the everyone surrounding her with happy faces. i thought there was going to be a fucking HORRIFIC MOMENT where that baby was so dead but also now god what the fuck bc that baby is SO HERE so now uhm. where is it. yeah.
maybe they dont eat the baby but even if it dies or if they leave it in the wilderness my god thats so fucked up but ALSO ALSO ugh my #1 WORST. FEAR. ARE The ocuntless conspiracy theorists saying that it's, like, lisa or something because i hate that on so many levels .... i dont want the baby to be anyone weve seen in the future rn bc i just. uhhhhg. i hate stupid twists like that im sorry.
anyway god back to that thing i was saying... of faith... like fuck man the ambiguity the not knowing if its real, if its not real... of whether there IS something out there. thats what makes it so powerful and what has such fucking grip on these girls because ultimately its their faith and what they put into it thats really got the chokehold ... it doesnt matterrrr if theres something supernatural or not .... imo .... and i dont think thts wishy washy - i know it COULD be, if the writing doesnt bring it back but....
like ugh idk i hatebeing a snotty guy but its so annoying when ppl are all about THE ANSWERRSS THE DEFINITE ANSWERSSSS sorry i have to listen to my coworker try to talk about this show and im like just kinda wracking my brain like who cares what the absolutes are can we enjoy the journey of these girls and their characters puh leaseeeee sniff sniff
im also so fucking crazy for jeff. i am SORRY.
"HI VAN?" (HANGS UP) YA COULDNT MAKE IT UP!
also oh god im watching shauna with this baby and my heart is breaking watchin her try to fucking handle it i cant imagineeeee and again the juxtaposition of that and her in the fucking future with callie in the police station jesus fucking CHRIST man "YOUR KID DOESNT LIKE YOU TOO MUCH DOES SHE" HELLOOOOOO
"YOU REALLY DID A NUMBER ON HER" oh my godddd
something something mothers always being these nurturing figures in fiction of being the faceless somethings in the background. osmething something shauna being fucking insane by comparison get me OUT OF HOW I ENDED UP HERE something something trapped in the wilderness being a mother cant get out something something trapped in the marriage cant get out . hey shauna are you okay
i never even wanted to be a mom i neverrrrrrrr wanted this I DID NOT START OUT A BAD PERSONNNNNNNNNNNN. SHAUNA GIRLIE leave my kid out of it leave my kid out of it COME ON MAN
kevyn with a y is a grade Y yucky loser
callie is kind of eating here btw. "that groomer cop. hes nasty." THEY KNOW THEY WERE FUCKING FREAKS
also oh my god shaunas little meltdowns cut to lottie f- hi fucking hello. HI FUCKING HELLO. LOTTIE. LOTTIE GIRL.
IS EVERYONE FUCKING NORMAL RIGHT NOW
HE NEEDS TO FEED ...
YO COACH BEN YOU NEED TO START RUNNING MAN WE NEED TO GIVE YOU A HEADSTART
CUT TO JEFF IN THE FUCKING CAR. VOM.
also my god lottie being the centre of it all like i did have my . sigh i dont know i wish lottie was MORE present in the first season in a sense like i wish there was more of her . but her being the centre and the one theyre both all "against" but also like they all have such a deep connection with her and
NATALIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE FISH
NATALIE THE FISH DIDNT FUCKING DO SHIT
COME ON NATALIE MAN
BROOOOOOOOOO
EXACTLY NATALIE HELL
natalie being so survivor and the one whos a hunter but being the one who cant fucking kill a fish and is always the oje barely surviving i love natalie
"ITS YOU AND ME KID AGAINST THE WHOLE WORLD" SHAUNA ARE YOU FUCKING ALRIGHT IN ANY CAPACITY .
oh my god that made me so- so- so-
wait
th baby isnt
oh
okay
um
...
dot dot dot
umm
okay i thik im going to puke im going to cry ........
NO . NO THATS SICK WHAT I WAS SAYING WITH THE PARALLELS BEFORE AND JACKIE AND THEN HER VISIO OF THEM ALL EATING AND TH... THIS IS FUCKING HORRIBLE SO MUCH MORE HORRIBLE EVERYTHING
IHATE MY LIFE
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