5:11 AM. I expect this answer if I ever find the courage to question. It probably isn't true, for there is at least one person who loves me at least a little bit. But the brain wants painful answers. It oh so cruelly wants to make its living being suffer. Tell me why produce such lies?. Why deceive an innocent soul into believing horrible declarations?. Why torture your own body like this?. Why create a living hell to burn in?. I don't want to live with a traitorous mind. What have I done to deserve the worst punishment of all, a mind that is against you?. I want to know, I want to understand. Or maybe I don't.
Life is a beautiful lie. Death is the inevitable, unshakeable truth. You can't out run it. You can't hide. There's nowhere to go. I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this. Stuck between the two worlds, unable to pick is unpleasant to say the least. Maybe finding strong love may ease out the pain and sooth the heart. It is unnerving to think that even with billions of humans on this Earth that i might not be anyone's choice. I wouldn't blame them. There's a plethora of issues in my being. I am willing to try to accept the fact that I may never be the star of my own show. That there is more than a good chance that I may have to witness the happiness of others from the sidelines.
I am true to myself. I am honest, loyal and trustworthy to the ones who deserve it. If I wasn't me then I would be one of the many narrow minded people on this Earth. I may not be a saint, but the amount of people out there that are lacking in the brain cells department scares me. If I myself didn't go through them, I wouldn't have been able to understand the pain exactly and help others whenever I can. Everything has pros and cons. Nothing is ever just black and white. There's thousands of shades of grey in between. In this case I do not like me, I wish it wasn't like this. But I do not want to be someone else, someone who's not ...well me.
Humans are confusing creatures. Look at where we have brought society. Its never been better. In every generation there is always so many things wrong. The world has never been right. We are driving this planet to death. We may be the only living thing that does so. Sometimes I wonder what it would be now if we never evolved. The more you know the harder it gets. Knowledge brings awareness as well as misery. There's always a catch. Like I said pros and cons, greys and more.
Typing away at my computer, turning thoughts into words, assembling them to create meaningful sentences that come together to form paragraphs sooth me, calms me down and brings everything into a slow pace. Words are powerful. Sticks and stones may break your bones, physically harm you, but psychological damage does more to a person. More harm. Scars in one's mind may be the hardest to heal. Be very very careful what you say when you open your mouth. What you put out can never be taken back. Protect yourself, the heart is tender.
Started this summer scarp book done it's the last schooling year. I'm gonna as all the pics i took with my friends and family and stick all the little things to make it as memorable as possible. I'm also trying this new thing of writing myself letters about my day for each day my summer vacations. It's such a cute idea hope y'all can try it!!