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I am not happy. I am not happy but I refuse to let sadness bring me down. Yes I laugh, yes I make jokes, no I don’t let it out on other people, but no I‘m not happy. Life is a mess right now and I am just not that person complaining and moaning all day to everyone that will listen because I firmly believe it doesn’t make things better. Why though do I have that awful feeling in my stomach that nothing good will ever happen if I keep being okay. I refuse looking forward to something in fear I might get disappointed. It’s like God or some other power that be just goes oh you can handle it, look at you standing up each time I throw a brick at you. It‘s not fair!!!! I‘m not happy! I feel awful and I want it to stop. I do not have a life anymore I am merely living. It‘s not the same!! Just please for fucks sake give me a break!!

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I Have Been Living

I have been living
closer to the ocean than I thought–
in a rocky cove thick with seaweed.

It pulls me down when I go wading.
Sometimes, to get back to land
takes everything that I have in me.

Sometimes, to get back to land
is the worst thing a person can do.
Meanwhile, we are dreaming:

The body is innocent.
She has never hurt me.
What we love flutters in us.


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Jane Mead 

(1958-2019)

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living for other people is exhausting but god damm it’s worth it.

the cuddles, the smiles, the adventure, the stargazing, the way they tell you about their day.

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