I want to make you feel wanted
Loki x fem!reader
Angst, fluff, eventual smut
TW: Mentions of attempted su!cide and torture
Summary: On a mission you get the opportunity to kill the HYDRA agent responsible for torturing you, but, misreading the situation, Loki kills him before you get the chance. And now you want to kill him.
AN: Ok so the smut isn't SMUT smut, but there's definitely some bed rocking going on, just more vanilla and cute than spicy.
Your hands were screaming at you to stop, to rest for even a couple of minutes, but you persevered. You hadn’t put on gloves, or even taped them up, wanting, needing, to feel the sharp ache of pain to distract you from the rage coursing through you. Again and again you pummelled the punching bag in front you, barely letting it come to rest before sending it hurtling through the air again. No matter how hard you hit, however, your anger remained hot and very present.
In truth, you were far beyond angry. You were incensed. Abusing the punching bag in front of you was doing little to dampen your fury. You felt like you needed to kick and scream and break things.
And it was all because of Loki.
Even the mere thought of him was enough to send a fresh wave of anger coursing through you, resulting in a scream of irritation as you roundhouse kicked the punching bag, finally giving into the pain in your hands and giving yourself a break and a chance to catch your breath. You were panting hard, your chest heaving, and you had no idea how long you had been in the training room for.
The second the doors to the Quinjet had opened you had abandoned the others and headed straight for the training room, locking the doors to ensure you could vent in peace, and, more importantly, so that arrogant, egotistical son of a bitch couldn’t reach you. You knew that, if you had been made to spend time in the debrief with Loki, it would have been him being used as a punching bag. Not that the idea wasn’t tempting.
In his desire to constantly one up everyone and paint himself as the hero of the Avengers, he had robbed you of a moment you had been chasing your whole life. As you had stood before the last remaining HYDRA agent, the top gun who was responsible for inflicting all kinds of horrors upon you and countless others, you had only wanted to take a moment to let him see who was going to make him meet his end. You wanted him to see that, despite his years of attempting to change you into something you didn’t want to be, he had failed, and you were going to make sure his hands never hurt another soul the way they had hurt you. You had made sure that he could read it in your eyes, read it clearly on your face, that your knife was going to end his campaign of terror, and you were going to drag it out as slow and painful payback for his horrific treatment of you.
You lost your chance though when Loki swooped in like the knight in shining armour you knew he was trying to be, stabbing the agent straight through the heart, and winking at you after as though he had just done you a massive favour.
It had taken all your strength not to ram your knife through him.
As if to compensate, you swiftly took your knife from your pocket and stabbed the punching bag in front of you, dragging the blade down until it was almost cut completely in half. You didn’t know if you’d rather it was the HYDRA monster or Loki in its place.
“And just how has that punching bag wronged you so?” A smooth voice drawled from behind you, causing you to flinch slightly and curse under your breath. Of course locking the doors wasn’t going to keep him out if he wanted in.
Impulsively, you grabbed one of the lighter dumbbells lying on the ground and hurled it at him, but he batted it out of the way like it was nothing more than an irritating fly. You scoffed in disgust and irritation while pocketing your knife, wanting out of the training room and as far away from him as possible.
“Piss off, Loki,” you spat.
He only grinned at you, clearly reveling in provoking you and having no idea just how mad you were at him. “My, my, we are rather tetchy this evening, aren’t we? Angry that for once I emerged victorious in a mission instead of you?” He taunted you, walking lazily into the room with eyes dancing with mischief.
Seeing red you picked up the second dumbbell and propelled it at him, knowing all too well that it was going to miss, but enjoying the image in your head of it connecting with his skull. As expected, he dodged it like you had merely thrown a cushion, but the mischievous glint in his eyes was gone and replaced with menace.
In a matter of seconds he had closed the gap between you both, pushed you roughly against the wall and pinned you there like you were a ragdoll, his eyes flashing dangerously.
“Throw one more thing at me and see what happens, you foolish girl,” he threatened.
Your eyes narrowed. You didn’t think it was possible to hate someone so much.
Wanting to take advantage of having him so close to you, you made an attempt to lift your leg to knee him in the crotch, but he had been expecting your reaction and grabbed your knee, flipping you carelessly onto the ground and sitting atop of you, his hands gripping your wrists like a vice and pinning them above your head. You growled and thrashed beneath him, which only caused him to rest more of his weight on you.
“If you wanted to fight all you had to do was ask politely,” he purred, still thinking this was just a game the two of you were playing and not taking your anger towards him seriously.
“Get the fuck off me, Loki!” You raised your voice at him. “Haven’t you fucked me over enough today?” You were yelling at him now, but he still refused to move, and you saw something shift in his face.
“All this anger because for once I have the glory over you? Are you really that pathetic?” He leaned down until his face was hovering over yours, his eyes narrowed and teeth bared.
Beneath him, you felt as though you were going to explode with anger. After all you had been through at the hands of that monster and yet here Loki was twisting the knife in more.
“You had no idea what was really happening out there today, and why would you? Maybe if you actually gave a shit about anyone other than yourself, you’d notice what was going on around you!”
You saw something flash across his face, was it confusion?, and before you fully understood what was happening his free hand made contact with your forehead and you felt the seider flow through you, knew he was in your mind, knew he was violating the one thing that was completely private to you. You fought to keep him out, fought to close the doors that you didn’t want him to see into and make your mind go blank, but his magic was too strong and everything you fought to keep hidden came rushing to the surface.
Your screams as the needles were injected over and over into your skin....the beatings from him when they didn’t generate the desired results…a broken nose that didn’t heal properly....a puffy eye that you couldn’t open...your frightened whimpers as the cell door slammed behind you...the stolen bottle of pills you had used for the first attempt scattered on the ground....the torture you had endured after you were discovered...screaming...water...fire...pain...the dark room...no daylight...someone else was screaming...it was still you....another bottle of stolen pills for the second attempt...worse torture than before...darkness.
Almost as suddenly as it had entered you you felt Loki’s seider leave you and you were back in the training room. You felt as though you had just emerged from under water, you were frantically gasping for breath and fighting the urge to throw up. Your time with HYDRA was something you kept locked away, something you didn’t have the strength to fully process or deal with, but Loki had pulled out every grim, torturous memory you had kept locked away for so long.
He had moved off you, silently getting to his feet and offering you his hand. Begrudgingly, you accepted it and he pulled you, with surprising gentleness, to your feet. Once righted you quickly snapped your hand from his and turned away from him, not wanting him to see how badly you were shaking.
“HYDRA hurt you? They experimented on you?” You heard him ask, quiet disbelief lacing his words.
The potent mixture of shame, anger and humiliation made you not even able to look at him. You closed your eyes, breathing deeply to settle yourself and fight off the nausea, but more importantly so you didn’t cry in front of him. You had closed off that part of your memory for a long time, and he had intruded upon a part of your past that you never wanted to think about again.
You hated him.
Softly, he said your name and you heard him start to approach you. His steps were slow and tentative, like you were an animal he didn’t want to spook, but you’d had enough.
“Don’t,” you said quietly but firmly, hearing his footsteps come to a halt, “don’t you ever come near me again.” Your tone left no room for him to argue, and you were thankful that his footsteps didn’t follow behind as you fled to your rooms, angrily swiping at the tears you couldn’t fight back any longer.
You hadn’t told anyone at the compound that HYDRA had experimented on you, not even Bucky, the one person who might have been able to help you sort through the shit that plagued your mind. As far as everyone was concerned you were another stray picked up by Tony for reasons known only to him. They didn’t know that he had found you after HYDRA had believed you dead and discarded of you and promised that he would help you get revenge on the bastards who had tortured you. HYDRA’s experiments hadn’t worked on you, whatever substances they had injected into you hadn’t altered you and caused you to lose all sense of yourself like Bucky, but they had fucked you up in the head enough to qualify you as an Avenger.
You supposed you should be grateful for it, grateful that you didn’t have to go through everything that Bucky had to find himself again, but you were far from grateful for the things it had caused you to do, the times you had wanted to end it all. You hadn’t thought about your time with HYDRA for years, successfully burying it in the darkest recesses of your mind.
Until today. Until Loki.
You slammed the door to your area of the compound shut, grabbing a blanket and curling up in the corner of your sofa. All you wanted was to be alone. You wanted to quietly seethe and feel your hurt so the rest of the team didn’t learn about your past; you didn’t think you could cope if they started treating you like some delicate little flower that needed to be protected. You would scream and cry in the privacy of your rooms before burying everything again and forgetting that HYDRA had ever been a part of your past.
For an hour or more you decompressed, successfully reaching the point where your breathing was steady and you felt as though the HYDRA door had been well and truly locked. You had calmed down, your anger no longer hot and vengeful, and you felt like the storm had passed.
That was until a sharp flash of green light almost sent you into a rage again. Loki had suddenly materialised right in front of your sofa.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” You growled, looking around for something to throw at him again. Finding nothing that would make any sort of heavy contact with him, you pulled yourself to your feet, intent on getting to your room and locking the door. His face was the last thing you wanted to see.
As you tried to move past him, however, he quickly grabbed both your upper arms, his grip firm but gentle at the same time.
“I told you to stay the fuck away from me!” You spat, thrashing in his arms, trying desperately to shake him off though you knew you didn’t stand a chance. He refused to let you go, saying your name over and over again until you calmed down.
“Shh, it’s ok. It’s ok,” he said in a gentle voice, one you had never thought him capable of. “Hey...hey! Look at me,” he commanded you in the same gentle tone of voice, his hands moving to your shoulders to try and force you to make eye contact with him. When you finally did you were surprised to see no malice or mischief in them, only sincerity.
“I’m sorry,” he said simply, shocking you. Was the god of mischief apologising to you? “I am so sorry for what I took from you today. I had no idea what he had put you through. You didn’t deserve a second of it, my darling.”
You held eye contact with him, seeing how badly he needed you to believe him. The kindness in his, the sincerity of his words, the term of endearment was causing you to unravel again, and you realised just how exhausted you were from being strong.
“They tortured me, Loki,” you squeaked out, your voice suddenly thick with tears. “They tortured me, and for what.”
You were crying now, but all too quickly Loki was pulling you into his arms and holding you tight against his chest, one hand cradling the back of your head while the other soothingly stroked your back.
“I know, my dear, I know,” he whispered into your hair, and you swore you felt him place a kiss on your head. “But I promise that no one is ever going to hurt you again.”
He was giving you the comfort you hadn’t realised you so desperately needed, and the sheer gentleness with which he was holding you made you cry even harder.
“Oh, my sweet girl,” you heard Loki murmur, and he slowly lifted you into his arms, settling himself into the space on the sofa you had just vacated with you curled like a baby in his arms. “You’ve been strong for too long, haven’t you?” You felt him rest his cheek on the top of your head and reached out blindly for some part of him to grab onto.
“You have no idea what it was like. They wanted to hurt me. They wanted to turn me into a monster. They wanted me to hurt the people I cared about.” You unloaded onto him, scarcely able to believe that Loki of all people was the one you were opening up to. Had it really only been a few hours since you had wanted to run him through with your knife?
In response, he tightened his arms around you. “You are safe, my darling, and you are the furthest thing from a monster this planet has ever seen. I will personally slit the throat of anyone who dares to harm you again.”
In spite of your tears, you couldn’t help but let out a snort of laughter. “What do you care if anyone hurts me? You think I’m pathetic, remember?” You tried to keep your voice somewhat light, not wanting him to know how much it had stung.
You felt him move against you and was lightly pushing you away from him, and you found you missed the sound of his heartbeat in your ear.
“Are you really so blind?” He asked, his eyes gazing into yours and the faintest hint of a smile on his lips. “My darling, I think the world of you,” he spoke so softly you could almost believe you had imagined it.
You could only stare dumbly at him as every little thing that had happened today started to fit into place. He had thought you were in danger and so had stepped in to save you; he had come to find you in the training room to make sure you were ok; he had entered your mind to figure out what was wrong so he could fix it; he had come to your rooms to apologise for hurting you.
“You...like me?” You replied stupidly, still processing that one sentence, while something else came alive inside you. A fire you hadn’t realised had been lit.
“I do.” He replied simply, and before you could say another word he was pulling you back in to kiss you.
It was chaste and innocent, his lips gently pressing against yours as if he hoped a simple kiss would erase all the pain you had ever felt. Surprisingly, you found that you wanted more. You returned his kiss with a ferocity you hadn’t known you had in you. How long had you wanted this? How long had you told yourself different? How long had you pretended to hate him when you had fallen in love with him?
He pulled back for air, leaning his forehead against yours as you both caught your breath. “Do you know how hard it’s been to be so close to you all these months and not be able to kiss you?”
You felt your stomach flutter. Never in your life had someone so openly admitted to wanting you. “Do you know how much I want you to do it again?”
His lips were quickly back on yours and you twisted your hand into his hair, silently begging him to deepen the kiss, feeling a stirring in your stomach when his tongue slid into your mouth. You moaned against his mouth and shifted on his lap so you were straddling him. Your heart began to race as his hands began to wander, and your breath hitched in your throat when one snaked round to rest on the waistband of your bottoms, his fingers all but inches away from where a fire had been lit.
Loki, however, pulled back, causing a quiet whine to escape your lips. “Are you sure you want to do this? Tell me to stop and I will,” his voice had turned raspy, and you could easily feel how badly he wanted you.
You squirmed against his growing hardness, being rewarded with a sinful groan from him. “I don’t want you to stop.” You said, winding your hands around his neck. “I want this. I want you, Loki.”
There was the briefest flash of surprise across his face, like he couldn’t believe someone wanted him, before he was claiming your lips again. In another flash of green he had moved you both from the sofa to your bed, stretching out above you and tenderly brushing a stray strand of hair from your face.
“Not on the sofa,” he spoke softly, as if he needed the walls of your room to keep his secret. “You deserve to be treated like a queen.”
Slowly, and without breaking eye contact, he divested himself of his clothes, smiling softly when you reached out to run your hand over the planes of his chest. He felt strong and sturdy beneath your fingers. He felt safe.
You pulled him down for another kiss. A kiss that was slow and soft while his hands began the task of removing your clothes. He was more than gentle with you, treating you with a tenderness you hadn’t thought he’d possessed.
“You are beautiful, my dear. Absolutely exquisite,” he murmured when you were naked beneath him. He kissed at your collarbones, lightly nipping at the skin with his teeth, while one hand cupped your breast.
You let out a noise of contentment, somewhere between a sigh and a moan, and locked your legs around his waist. You felt safe, secure, and protected from all harm with this man worshipping your body. He kissed the hollow at the bottom of your neck, causing a shiver to run through you. It was as if he already knew how to drive you insane.
His kisses began to move down your stomach, his hand running up your thigh to press it closer to his side, but in a bold move that surprised even you, you stopped his hand with your own, guiding it down between your legs.
Loki’s eyes snapped to yours, as if he was asking permission.
“Please,” you begged in little more than a whisper. “I need you.”
He gave you another slow, lingering kiss and shifted between your legs to align himself with your entrance. You felt his tip push against you and ever so slowly he began to ease himself into you, causing you to gasp with the sensation.
Immediately, he stopped. “Am I hurting you?” He asked, his voice heavy with concern.
You shook your head quickly in response. “No. You just feel so good,” you answered.
You swore you heard him let out a breath and he continued pushing himself inside you. When he was finally fully inside you, he raised a hand to cup your cheek, his thumb tenderly caressing your skin.
“Are you ok?” He asked, his eyes so full of concern for you it nearly brought on a fresh onset of tears.
“I’ve never been better,” you answered honestly. It was then that you realised he wasn’t going to fuck you, he was going to make love to you.
He began to move on top of you, slowly at first to allow you to get used to the feel of him, but quickly he picked up speed. The waves of pleasure coursing through you were like nothing you’d experienced with any past lover and, coupled with the magic of Loki’s fingers, you know no one would ever compare to him.
Your hands were gripping at his back, his whole body shivering at your touch as you left little half moons along his shoulders, like you were marking him as yours. As his speed picked up you moved your hips to match his rhythm, wanting you both to explode at the same time. His breathing soon became more ragged and you could feel your climax starting to build.
“Loki,” you breathed out a warning.
His lips found yours as you both tipped over the edge, your heels digging into him and your back arching beneath him. Blindly, he reached out his hand to clasp yours, not wanting to break the connection even for a second. Never in your life had you felt so wanted.
Loki gave a few final shuddering thrusts and collapsed on top of you, his head buried in the nook of your neck. You stroked his hair with one hand, the other lying lazily on his back.
When he had recovered his breath, he broke free from your grasp to roll onto his back, and you quickly followed, tucking yourself into his side.
“So, you like me a lot, then?” You said into the silence, hoping he’d remember your stupid question from earlier.
“I like you a lot,” he confirmed, and you could hear the smile in his voice. You burrowed closer to him and placed a kiss on his chest, taking an innocent pleasure in listening to the sound of his breathing and feeling the rise and fall of his chest.
Just as you thought you were going to drift off to sleep in his arms, he said your name softly into the silence.
“Thank you for trusting me.” He said quietly, his arm squeezing your shoulders.
You wrapped an arm around his middle. “Thank you for wanting me.”
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