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starscreamloki · 2 years

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Follow the Blind

Chapter Seventeen

Warnings: Whump, torture, angst, Loki is a mess, panic attacks, mentions of suicide, depression, violence, PTSD.

Words: 7918

Summary: (Loki’s POV, Third POV, Loki centered) Loki falls from the Bifrost, but instead of landing in Thanos’ clutches, he lands on earth and falls into the hands HYDRA. Years later the Avengers stumble across him and decide to take him in.

A/N: So, first of all, updates on this fic will be erratic and slow. Might be months before I post the next chapter. I still want to finish this story, and I shall! But it’s slow progress.And now for the story. Yeah… HYDRA got in the way again and by now I know how you feel about that. Lolz. (No hard feelings. You all made me laugh.) I made them the main enemy of this story, so I’ll die on my hill! *hides under the desk* But yeah, HYDRA needs some ass-whooping. Patience is a virtue…

Previous Chapter

---

Yesterday evening, before he had joined the Christmas festivities, Loki had placed some protection spells on himself. Currently he was very grateful he had done so because bullets bounced off his being as the spells were still active.

It is said that when someone faces a threat of life and death the person’s instincts have two options: flight or fight.

Yet, there is a third.

Sheer terror was holding Loki in his grip so tightly, he was unable to move. It felt as if he was back on the cold table. And the possibility of that horror could become very real if he didn’t do something!

The noise around him was deafening, auras passing by left, right and even overhead, and he had trouble discerning between friend and foe. But why did the former matter? He didn’t have friends. He had foes and captors, and that was it!

Finally drawn from his stupor by someone grabbing him from behind, a pure wave of hatred washed over him. He grabbed his assailant and threw the person through the room, and the loud crash which followed was nothing short of satisfying.

Now he was finally defrozen from his terror (though he was still terrified), and a burning hatred seared his veins, Loki was on the move to the nearest exit. It didn’t matter who he encountered, they got all swept aside with his Seidr if they crossed his path. Yet, the room was getting very crowded, auras pressing left and right and furniture no longer in its place. There was too much information to process at once and thus he hadn’t noticed the chair over which he tripped until he had to save himself from crashing flat out on his face.

He rolled over his shoulder, landing in a crouched position, but soon he felt bodies swarm around him. The first cracks in his protective spells began to form as something other than bullets tried to assault him. In the back of his mind he registered them as electrical devices.

Loki was able to deflect the first physical attack, and without a thought he summoned his knives and laid the attacker low.

Then, a dozen more attacked as if they were a single entity, and he found himself fighting wildly. And even worse, blindly, because his Seidr which aided him to see and feel was too scrambled by the unexpected events. He still wasn’t fully accustomed to fighting without aid, and inevitably Loki slipped up left and right.

The enemy was numerous, and for every person he killed, two took its place. Loki found himself sorely pressed. He was barely able to keep the electrical devices at bay and because he was solely focused on those things, he didn’t have time or energy to prevent bullets and knives harming him. Yet, he’d rather take the bullets which did minor damage compared to those wicked devices - because an electric shock would probably mean a quick end for him.

Panic was quickly taking the upper hand, suppressing his hatred which was assisting him in the fight. He didn’t want to fight anymore. He just wanted to give in to the fear. He wanted to run and hide. The shudders created by the anxious beast were already taunting him. How much longer could he keep this up?

How much longer was he willing to keep this up?

Then the enemy ranks suddenly shattered.

“Loki!” Natasha shouted concerned, suddenly very close.

On the other side he could feel bodies flying through the air as well, releasing the pressure.

It was no-one less than the Shadow coming to his aid as well.

Both of the Humans placed themselves in front of him, which gave him a second to breathe. It didn’t lessen the terror, nor did it stop his shuddering, but a switch in his mind flicked and it felt as if he noticed these Humans - these Avengers - for the first time.

All the evidence pointed in their favour.

They had been true to their word.

They weren’t his captors.

They wanted to help him and seemed prepared to take an awful brunt (maybe even face death) to do so.

Without holding back, he joined the two Humans in their fight. And for the first time his mind didn’t perceive them as another threat. He didn’t want to fight them, or flee, but he wanted to stand with them.

Finally it was clear who the true enemy was!

Both Natasha and Bucky were quick to play on his strengths. With the help of Natasha he created illusion after illusion, enabling them to move to a - according to Bucky - more favourable spot.

Then, a roar tore through the building. It had been so loud it made the furniture tremble and resonated within Loki’s lungs. He had heard it once before, a long time ago. And at that time the anger from the creature had been direct at him. It had grabbed him and had thrown him through a room. In Loki’s mind it seemed aeons ago, but his body perceived it as if it had been yesterday.

Loki’s teeth rattled in his skull, his muscles pulled taut and his heart was pounding with the same intensity as the terror he felt. The endless scream, or beep, or whatever it was, was back. It drowned out everything around him.

“Down!” Bucky commanded and Loki got grabbed on the back of his head and he was pushed to the floor.

An answer tumbled from Loki’s lips, but it was as if the words weren’t his. As if someone else answered for him through the cracking of his mind. “Yes, master.”

Then something passed over their heads and crashed with a tremendous impact behind them.

It was the last thing Loki was aware of before the terror shattered his mind and curled in on itself, taking him down with it in a dark descent.

***

“Loki. Loki!”

Meaningless, the words curled around his ears.

He could feel his body shake. Was he shaking, or was he being shaken?

“Loki…”

Nothing.

***

The fight with HYDRA had been nasty and had destroyed major parts of Tony’s building. It had taken the destructive rage of the Hulk to clear them out.

Luckily they had been unsuccessful in taking anything.

Or someone…

Still in his armour Tony nudged some rubble with his foot, sighing sadly. It would take weeks to rebuild it. Granted, there were some silver linings, but that didn’t mean this didn’t hurt.

The integrity of the building wasn’t compromised and they didn’t have to evacuate. There hadn’t been casualties on their side, but some of them were wounded. Nothing severe, a broken bone here or a deep gash there, but nothing life-threatening. The person who seemed to be in the worst shape was Loki.

He had been wounded the most severe. Tony had seen from a distance how bullet after bullet had been fired at his friend. Tony had been unable to get to him, but luckily Natasha and Bucky had.

Now those wounds were healing themselves, but Loki was far from with them. He hadn’t exactly fainted, but he had just… tuned out. They had seen it before, and it had been worrying then, but even more so now because he had been doing better.

***

“Loki?”

No…

***

“Loki. Hey man, come on,” Clint tried in vain for what must be the hundredth time.

There was no response.

The Avengers were bustling around to patch up the damage. On the occasion someone stopped and tried to draw Loki back into the presence, but it proved fruitless.

Steve had suggested moving him, but his chamber some floors above had been destroyed, and they didn’t know how well he would respond to a different environment when he got out of his episode.

If he came out of it at all…

Loki’s vitals were stable and his wounds were closed - as if he’d never been in a fight. Thus they had just left him on the floor in the common room. They took turns keeping him company while the others worked and cleaned some of the other levels of the building.

There was much to do and progress was slower than they liked.

It was long after midnight before Loki jumped to his feet, his posture menacing, fingers curled at his side, teeth bared, and a wild and deranged look on his face.

***

Hot breath fanned over his neck and immediately he was annoyed. “Leave me alone, Thor.”

“What are you doing?” the other asked.

He couldn’t keep the sneer from his voice. “As if you would understand.”

A deep, mirthful laugh resonated through the room and Thor said amused, “Try me.”

“No. I refuse to waste my energy.”

“Oh, but you are!”

His brows furrowed. How was it possible that his brother suddenly sounded so sinister? Those words would never fall so forcefully from his lips. They lacked the mirth which always surrounded the Thunderer.

“You can’t escape, Loki.”

His brows furrowed and he looked around the room, noticing it for the first time. A ceiling made of metal above? What were those machines? And those tools? Why was Thor wearing a white coat?

Why couldn’t he move?

“I shall!” he snarled, teeth bared.

“You’ve already tried and failed. You’re mine!”

Machines beeped, metal shattered and within the blink of an eye he was on his feet, attacking Thor. Yet, fingers phased through his intended target.

A laugh which sounded so much like Thor’s curled around his ears, but it was honing, mocking. Sinister.

Evil!

“I shall kill you,” he growled angrily.

“You can’t. Your calculations are wrong,” the snake hissed.

“What?”

“Well, there,” his younger self pointed.

He took a step closer to inspect his work. It was as simple as day and night. HYDRA is bad. The Avengers are part of HYDRA. These Humans are bad. His master his only saviour.

“No, they are correct,” he denied.

“Are you lying to yourself?”

“No!”

“You are.”

“Maybe I should kill you,” he threatened. With teeth bared and bloodied fingers curled at his side he menacingly took his stance.

“Loki,” Frigga said questioningly.

Mother?

“Loki. It’s me, Natasha.”

The calculations changed.

They had been wrong indeed.

“Nat, he’s going to attack,” someone warned.

“No, he is not.”

Loki recognized the last speaker as Natasha. As always confident. Confident in who she was, what she was doing. But even more so, confident in him.

“Correct. I shall not,” he confirmed with a raspy voice.

His heart was still pounding in his chest and he struggled to breathe. He could feel goosebumps running over his spine and shudders wracking his body. Pulled taut muscles finally relaxed as Loki came back to himself. Slowly, but steadily, his breathing calmed down.

“Do you know where you are?” the woman asked, carefully approaching him.

It was a simple question which begged a simple answer, and thus Loki’s answer was devoid of emotion. “Yes.”

“Elaborate.”

Always the pressure. When would she learn to let go?

Just like you let go? The voice in his head sneered.

“I am with a group of Humans who call themselves the Avengers.”

“And do you remember what just happened?”

For a moment he searched his memory. The answer surfaced quickly, but so did complicated feelings. The joy of a fight, the fear of the enemies, the gratitude of protection.

“HYDRA attacked, presumably to collect me.”

“And Bucky?” Natasha asked.

“What of him?” Loki asked, getting more annoyed by this interrogation with each passing second.

“Can’t remember?” the person of subject asked.

It was the little push he needed and violently he shouted, “Would you stop your worrying, I am well!” Then, in a more normal tone but not less agitated he continued, “I am aware of where I am, who I am and what has just befallen. What proof do you demand, Natasha?” his blind eyes flitted to her. “Bucky?” He sought out the man’s form. “I am standing in the middle of a wrecked building after an attack from HYDRA. You are the Avengers, whatever the rights and obligations which come with that. You are-”

“I’ve heard enough,” Tony interrupted nonchalantly. “He’s fine.”

“Well, seeing he just tuned out as he did, it is a good idea to check him,” Clint said gruffly.

Oh, how anger trampled through his system. “Do not speak of me as if I am not in the room!” Loki bit viciously. “I am blind, not deaf!”

The eye-prier tried to keep the situation from escalating. “Okay, okay. Settle down, Loki. We just wanted to make sure. You had us worried.”

With a growl in the back of his throat, Loki tried to relax again, blind eyes settling on Natasha as a warning to not come any closer.

Even though he was still angry, his senses had settled and he could feel the destruction around him. Briefly he remembered how all his senses had gone into overdrive during the fight and had obscured his ability to see - and it was something he would need to address sometime in the future - but now everything was back to normal.

Well, a relative normal.

Silence settled throughout the room, safe for the occasional grunt of someone moving something or rubble being collected.

The anger subsided and Loki just stood there, staring at a floor he couldn’t see. He was at a loss what to do and where to go.

“You could help, you know. Instead of just standing there,” Clint commented dryly.

Loki nodded, but didn't move. How was he to help? Not to mention that memories of scrubbing his own blood from a cell floor flitted through his mind. He truly didn't want to spiral down such a memory.

“What and where?” he asked softly, running the nail of his thumb over the pad of his index finger.

“Wha-” Clint breathed baffled, but broke off and tried anew. “What do you mean? Look around you. Anything will help. I don't know. Put the couch upright or something.” He sounded agitated, but there was a weariness to his voice.

“Clint!” Sam scolded the man, but left it at that.

With a flick of his wrist Loki complied, magicking the couch back to its place.

“Lokes!” Tony exclaimed, making Loki flinch. “That's it! How much can you move and clean with that magic of yours?”

For a moment Loki was baffled, but the rage was quick to resurface and he sneered, “I am not a maid.”

That drew a scoff from Clint. “Nor am I, but if I want to sit on that couch again to watch television, things will need to get cleaned.” He let the sting hang in the air for a second before he added, “Then again, you're never here so why would you bother.”

Those words made Loki flinch. He wasn't happy with the situation either, but he had never felt Clint being so prickly before and aiming his ire at him. Then again, Loki’s erratic anger hadn’t made him particularly nice either.

“Shut it, Legolas,” Tony said sharply. “No, Loki, I could use your help at the lower levels. Parts of some outer walls got knocked out and I need it out of the way to start emergency repairs.”

“I am able to assist with that,” Loki mumbled and nodded slightly, still anxious about another possible snide remark from Clint.

“Good. Come with me.”

***

Today was finally the day!

At least, it had to be the day.

After what must have been months of research, Loki finally felt ready to try. No! Not try. He felt ready to do it. There was no trying. There would be no failure, only success.

At least, he told himself. Because if he ran the calculations one more time he would go crazy.

His current cell… room was on another level of the building entirely. HYDRA had succeeded in putting half of the building to ruin, but Tony had been equally successful in rapidly rebuilding. With the aid of Loki's Seidr they had worked the entire night and had made quick progress. Loki had even put up some extra protection and warning spells around the building.

In hindsight he should have done that sooner.

Yet, yesterday's attack from HYDRA had put things into motion and had made it painfully clear that more was needed than just a defended building.

The dull work had given Loki ample time to think about what had happened hours prior, and he had decided he couldn’t afford to wait any longer to cast his reverse blindness spell. Though it seemed more like a ritual regarding how much effort and time it would cost.

The entire workings of the ritual was in his head, and he had just finished the last touch-ups.

Whilst having a shower he went over all the details once more. Everything seemed correct and he could give it a try. But uncertainty took hold of him, and suddenly he found himself shivering underneath the hot spray of water.

He was well aware of the sudden dread he felt, and he knew where it stemmed from. It wasn’t fear of using magic on a never tested spell - he had done it thousands of times before, and only once or twice had it gone wrong. No, he was afraid of the ritual failing.

After Loki had stepped out of the shower, he dried himself off and put on some fresh clothing.

Again he went over the specifics and he couldn’t detect a single fault. There was no point in delaying the execution. Yet, he found himself fighting an invisible barrier from whence he didn’t know it came.

Maybe it wasn’t just as simple as he made it out to be. He had tried to heal his sight before, and he had discovered that there were holes in his soul when it regarded his eyes. He also wasn’t about to just simply reverse damage. No, he had to reforge part of his soul. And for all his vast knowledge of magic, having once been Asgard’s greatest Seidr-master, forging a soul was only beholden to the Norns. And what he wanted to do - was about to do - would thwart them.

If they exist, the voice in the back of his head pressed. If they do, they would not have put you through such a fate, would they now?

The doubt if he could - if he could do something only the creators of life were able to do - was what was holding him back. Fear, but also discouragement. Was he able? Strong enough? What if his calculations were off? He could blow himself into oblivion. What if he couldn't handle the power? Just like that… thing HYDRA had recently given him to play with. It had almost torn him apart.

Loki shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts. There was no room for doubt. Neither was there time. HYDRA had proven that. They wanted him. Still. Or again? Loki was only sure of one thing: they would come for him again. And they would bring more tools and more bodies to do so.

He was out of time.

Not to mention his presence in this building also threatened the lives of the Avengers. He wondered if he cared about their lives. They weren’t his friends, but…

He had a hard time placing a finger on how he felt towards these Humans, but after some thought he concluded he didn’t wish death upon them, nor did he like the fact he put them in danger.

With a deep sigh he tried to bolster his courage to enact the ritual. And after a couple of more breaths he squared his shoulders; ready as he would ever be.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., I am going to perform a ritual and I do not wish to be disturbed.”

There was a moment of silence before the A.I. answered. “Mister Stark asks if you’d be so kind not to blow the building up.”

“There is hardly any left,” Loki mumbled. “But I shall not.”

“How long will this take?”

“Unknown.”

Another deep breath and then he set to it.

Loki moved the furniture to create more space than he needed and he began to draw runes on the concrete floor with the aid of his Seidr.

The setup he needed wasn't much, and thus it was quickly finished. Most time and energy would be consumed in and by the ritual itself. Yet, the setup was crucial and thus Loki double-checked if everything was in order.

Then, with healthy nervousness twisting his gut, he began.

***

“J., should I check on him?” Tony asked whilst tinkering with his suit.

“I presume you’re worried?”

“Of course I’m worried! There’s an all powerful wizard, God, whatever, performing a spell in my already wrecked building!” Tony spat.

“Ah. Are you worried for your property or for the God in question?”

Tony scoffed. “Do I have to choose?”

There was a moment of silence before J.A.R.V.I.S. answered. “If you ask me, I think it’s unwise to interrupt. Not only for shaming his trust - which you are all so avid to preserve - but also because it might just do the material damage you’re so afraid of.”

“That’s not comforting at all!”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m keeping an eye on him and will inform you if something goes wrong.”

Anxiously, words rapidly tumbled from Tony’s lips. “And what if something does go wrong? What if he blows himself up or whatnot in his spell and he needs aid and we can’t enter through his magical barrier or whatever he’s put up?”

“Way ahead of you, Sir. I’ve put a certain wizard on speed dial just in case.”

Teeth sank into Tony’s lower lip as he tried to chew away the anxiety and he gave a curt nod. “If something goes wrong, notify me and call said wizard immediately.”

***

Hours ticked away as Loki carefully weaved his Seidr. Step by calculated step he created bonds between elements which existed and simultaneously didn’t, falling deeper into the mechanics of his ritual.

His fingers had begun to cramp a long time ago, but his mind was set on one goal, and thus he pushed on, not even feeling the pain. He was still nervous, but the anxiety was only lingering beneath his skin; a dull throb which was easy to ignore.

Progress was slow, but it was progress nonetheless. Loki could feel it. He was making steps and his confidence only grew as he neared his goal.

Almost!

It was almost within his reach.

Carefully, like holding liquid glass, he grasped the fabrics and pulled and pushed, twisted and turned. Then, he felt something new.

His heart made a little leap as he knew what it was.

Many times he had created objects and items out of thin air, created illusions or gave a nudge left or right. But all those things had been created from something. From his own Seidr, but this… This didn’t feel like manipulating molecules, but rather creating them.

Unfamiliar, raw, and so very powerful.

The Magic of Creation.

Glee washed over him, but it was short-lived as the Magic of Creation was suddenly torn from his hands.

A voice echoed all around him, soft, almost as a chant, but punishing. “Child. You are wielding powers which do not belong to you.”

The darkness which was always with him evaporated, and as often happened when he resided in the magical world, his vision returned.

There was a waiver in the air in front of him, and a beautiful deity presented itself to him. Long white hair cascading down their back, a fair face which was neither male nor female, and blue eyes brighter than the sea, riveting him to the spot.

Loki was so close and then suddenly this, this- being appeared and pulled it from his hands as if it was mere candy. Instantly, frustration and anger had taken hold of him, the rage surfacing so quickly and all-consuming that he didn’t even have a second to think about who he was addressing.

“Who are you!” he shouted.

The being didn’t seem fazed and calmly replied. “I was. I am. And I shall be.”

Then his anger ground to a painful halt as the words made him understand. A breath hitched in his throat and words failed him.

He had known in advance there could be unexpectancies in the ritual, but even this possibility hadn’t crossed his mind. Call it a lack of faith, or arrogance. But probably the feeling of unworthiness, because hadn’t they abandoned him? Who would ever have thought he would evoke the attention of a Norn?

The rage ignited itself again, but this time it wasn’t because he had lost hold of the Magic of Creation.

The Norns. The cruel beings who had woven his fate and had cast him down into the torment he had endured. Not only at the hands of HYDRA, but at so many other unfair things which had been done to him.

“Why!” he shouted, tears burning his eyes.

“Loki, you are asking me to justify our decisions?” they belittled.

“Your decisions are what brought me here!” he howled.

“Are they?” Again such a calm reply. Loki wanted to say something, but he was stopped. “Let us not go down that road. Your rage has its place, but it is not here and not with me. And you shall be unable to draw my blood, let alone kill me. As you might imagine, I shall always and forever be one step ahead of you, no matter what your smart, yet twisted mind can think of.”

“I am fully aware,” Loki gritted through his teeth, “but I can still try.”

The calmness which the being radiated was suddenly ever so slightly tainted with anger, and their voice boomed through the air. “Loki, child of no-one, forfeit this nonsense at once or your future shall be reshaped here and now! Teem your hatred, for it has no place.”

These words aimed at him wrought with malicious intent, but ringing so painfully with truth, knocked the air from Loki’s lungs and drained all his will to fight, smothering his anger. Hot tears etched themselves into his skin as he looked at the Norn. Still bewildered, slightly lost, but demure.

It was a fight he could never win, and if there was ever a time to surrender and know his place, it was now.

The Norn seemed to approve and serenity surrounded the being again. “That is better,” came the praise. “Now ask your question.”

Loki swallowed a couple of times to clear the lump in his throat. He wasn’t even surprised they already knew he had a question on his lips. “Why are you here?”

“To stop you and to give you a choice,” came the matter-of-factly reply. “And yes, you would have succeeded with your ritual had I not intervened. You still can, and I shall let you proceed, I shall grant you that, if you still desire to do so. Yet, you must know, continuing down the path you are set on shall come with a heavy price.”

“I am willing to pay any price!” Loki growled determined.

Nothing would stand in his way!

“Do not be so sure of that, my Child.”

“Stop calling me-”

“Ah, but I have created you, and therefore you are my child.”

Loki scoffed and mumbled, “Not a child of no-one, but child of a Norn.”

“As all are. But I am not here to discuss your dynasty with you, Loki Nornschild.”

The face he pulled at the last name he was suddenly given must have been truly something as the being let out a chuckle.

Nornschild.

It sounded so vile that his entire being recoiled from it.

The Norn waved their hand and a mirror formed in front of him. Nothing fancy, just a plain mirror, not even a frame to hold the reflecting surface in place.

Loki saw himself just as he was. As he currently is.

Someone who had found some confidence and tried to be regal, but the broken creature beneath betrayed by his eyes. His irises were almost completely white, barely a hint of the green vibrance they once borne. And his pupils grey, dull and lifeless.

Blind.

“Choose to continue down the road, but pay the price.”

The image in the mirror shifted. His pale, white skin formed ridges and turned blue. The grin of his perfect teeth forming themselves to sharp fangs. His nails grew long and dark blue, and became even more stark in contrast due to his eyes; eyes full of life, but the red colour of blood.

Of death.

Of a monster.

Subconsciously Loki took a step back and looked away, not able to face the reflection in the mirror.

“The choice is yours, Loki. Finish using the Magic of Creation and you shall regain your sight. Yet, your world will be black and white, filled with cold and ice, and a mind that aligns with the bloodthirsty beast within you.” The image he had never hoped to see again faded away. “Or turn around. Walk away and let go of your chasings to step into a future which is still shrouded in darkness, but is rich with brighter chances. The choice is yours.”

Then, the air wavered and the Norn was gone, leaving Loki alone with his choice to make.

***

“Out of the question. We’re gonna celebrate New Year’s Eve,” Tony said, his mind made up.

“Seriously? After we’ve just been attacked by HYDRA? They’re practically laying at our doorstep to make a misstep,” Sam argued.

“I don’t care. I’m not going to let HYDRA ruin any festivities. If we cower now they’ve won. And they haven’t. So we’re celebrating New Year’s Eve. Lots of guests will attend and I’ve arranged for fireworks.”

“And what of Loki?”

“What of him?” Tony asked, puzzled.

Sam shook his head, but wasn’t given a chance to answer.

“J., is he already awake?”

“No, Sir. He’s still in the ritual,” came the reply.

“How long has it been?” Sam beat Tony to the question, for they were all worried.

“Twenty hours,” J.A.R.V.I.S. answered.

“See. We don't even know if he’ll attend the party. Maybe he’s still in his trance or something. We’ll see,” Tony shrugged.

“I don’t like this, Stark.”

“Too bad. It’s going to happen!”

***

For hours on end Loki had stood there staring at the mirror, unable to make a choice.

Many times he had tried to manipulate the Magic of Creation to see if he could have it his way. But everytime he made the connection he could feel ice crawling up his spine. He dared not, and thus he had let go with every attempt.

He had seethed and raged, cried out for the Norn to come back, but he hadn't gotten an answer.

Then bitter tears had spilled, but they had been just as fruitless.

There was no way around this. It wouldn’t matter how he bent or twisted the magic to heed his desires. There were only two options laid out before him: become the monster and live on the frozen wastelands of Jotunheim, or go back to the darkness and face an uncertain future.

Fists clenching and unclenching by his side and with his teeth gritted, he kicked at nothing in particular. This was so frustrating. Months! Months of work had been put into this and now, once again, these pesky Norns were deciding his fate.

He screamed and paced, cursed and growled, but the anger wouldn’t lessen, and his heart didn’t feel any lighter.

With bared teeth he walked to the mirror.

He pulled on the Magic of Creation and immediately he could feel the ice form at the base of his spine. Yet, he didn’t let go and instead steered the ice towards his hand, touching the smooth surface of the mirror. The minute his icy fingertips touched the surface, the mirror cracked and his reflection changed.

The distorted image of the monster stared back at him.

“Are you actually considering this?” the distorted reflection asked.

“If I were not, I would have left,” Loki replied snidely.

“Pathetic. A monster's life is meaningless.”

“Coming from you,” Loki scoffed. “What if I'm not a monster? What if I can have Jotunheim bow before me? Am I not their King? I killed Laufey. The throne is rightfully mine!”

The reflection laughed mockingly. “Conquering Jotunheim? And another realm? You cannot even conquer your own fear, let alone make play you are King. You are, and will remain, broken!”

“I shall arise from the ashes!” Loki shouted, but the courage he tried to put into his statement lacked conviction.

“Liar!” Again that mocking laugh. “Can you feel it?”

“What?”

“The darkness, of course. It is within you, even now. The anxiety is always ready to strike, only leashed by a thin thread which so easily snaps.”

The nervousness Loki had been feeling underneath his skin suddenly awakened the beast inside of him, growling and clawing to be let out. It hurt his stomach and nausea built in the back of his throat.

“You feel that?” the reflection pressed. “That is the beast I am talking about. It shall always be with you. You cannot be a King. Kings have no fear!”

Words failed him, and Loki could only glare back at the distorted reflection of his monstrous self. The other was right. Kings didn’t have fear. He’d never seen Odin afraid, and what King would someone make if they broke down in panic? Or got caught into memories at the worst moment possible? He had already had a black-out during another fight with HYDRA, and even a normal King couldn’t afford that. Let alone a King amongst beasts. The Jotun would skin him alive when they caught him in one of his episodes.

Yet, the words the reflection had spoken had ignited a spark. A will to survive, to thrive, and to rid himself of the dark demon haunting him. The flame which just had gotten ignited was small, making his words lack conviction, but it had been ignited nonetheless.

“I shall free myself from this dark beast.”

“You are not powerful enough. Heed my words. You are better off if you just surrender to it.” The beast's dark lips pulled away from his pointy teeth, grinning macabrely at him.

Loki looked at his hand which was still touching the mirror; digits enveloped by ice and a cold still freezing his spine. This was one of the powers given to him. Yet, it was a power he did not desire. And that aversion, the hatred for his true self bolstered his resolve. “Never! I shall conquer this. Just as I have done before.”

The flame began to burn brighter.

The monster replied sweet as honey, but the offer was laced with poison. “I can help you with that. Give in to your desire and I shall tame the beast. You know what you shall get in return. The price you have to pay.”

“I do not want you!” Loki sneered. “I do not need you.”

“No matter the choice you make, I shall always be by your side. Hiding under your skin and in your mind. You want to walk away from this? After all you have worked for? Make that choice if you wish. But do not forget, you cannot survive without me.”

“I can and I shall!”

The creature laughed; a sound of parchment grating over stone. “Ah, but it might not be me who you need. After all, you didn’t come here for me, did you? You came for something else entirely.”

His monstrous self was changing subject and opinion fast. At every possible angle the creature tried to sow confusion. It was almost as if it was purely intended on hurting Loki in every possible way it could.

“Weren’t you prepared to pay any price?” the monster continued. “This is the price, and now you are backing out of the deal? Pathetic. Weak. Not fit to be king. Maybe it is for the best you cower back to the world of Mortals. You fit perfectly amongst them!”

The words hurt, but they fed the flame. “Maybe I do,” Loki answered thoughtfully.

“What?” the monster asked, confused.

“Maybe I do belong on Midgard, amongst the Mortals. Maybe it is the best place for me to be. The Jotun would never accept me. They would perceive me as weak, just as you pointed out. Not to mention I shall have to live as a beast. The Aesir never wanted me to begin with, and they have made it very clear every step of the way. But Midgard… The Humans of Midgard have treated me kindly, and there are currently seven of them who are prepared to lay their lives on the line for me. Who have taken me in, have tried to help me in their own awkward ways, and have yet to prove me otherwise.”

“They will fail you too!”

“Probably,” Loki shrugged. “And if they do, I shall just burn them down.”

“Have you so easily forgotten what the Humans did to you? It is the reason why you are here in the first place!”

Loki stared at his monstrous reflection for a couple of heartbeats before he admitted, “You are correct. However, the Humans who have wronged me are after all just that. Humans. And I shall get my hands on HYDRA and grind them underneath the heel of my boot to make them pay for what they have done.”

“If you so easily side with the Humans, why not go back to Asgard? They treat you the same.”

“That is where you are wrong. The Aesir have made me live a lie for centuries. They mocked me at my weakest moments, and shunned me at my strongest. And you are forgetting that the way to Asgard is barred. Otherwise I would not be here.”

“But-” the monster began, but was cut short as Loki held up his free hand and spoke.

“I do not want to hear anymore of your poisonous words. You are only here to keep me off balance and to hurt me. To you it is not about which choice I make; either is fine to you. No, you want to drag me down, back into the darkness. Make me feel miserable and destroy me. No more. The choice is simple.”

Yes. The choice was easy enough. Yet, it was no less painful.

With tears running down his face Loki let go of the Magic of Creation. The ice still enveloping his hand and touching the mirror melted. Then the mirror blew into a million tiny pieces, showering him in a spray of glass.

He had made his choice.

For now.

***

With the remnants of the ritual still surrounding him, Loki sat in the middle of the room. He wasn’t moving, and if it weren’t for his chest to rise and fall with every breath, one might think he was a statue.

The darkness was with him and it would always be. Not just the beast lingering underneath his skin, ready to break free, but the darkness for which he had chosen.

This ritual had been his last effort to resolve the problem, and now he would forever remain blind. Even if he could travel to Asgard one day and a Soul-forge would be available to him, it couldn’t solve the problem. The Norns themselves had given him the choice, and no machine or Seidr could surpass them.

It slowly began to sink in which ramifications his choice would have. Loki didn’t regret his decision, because it was better to live a blind life than one of bloodlust. Still, he had made a great sacrifice.

He had given up part of his being. He was the Trickster; the one who could weave the most real illusions of any kind into the beautiful lies they are. Without his sight the ability would come to fade.

Of course there was still much else he could do, but the trickery and illusions had been such a major part of his life, he now had to reinvent himself.

Or you have to work really hard to regain the ability, the voice in the back of his head offered.

How was he to do that? He could never see the results.

But are there not seven humans who are prepared to help?

Loki mulled on the words and let out a sigh. His stomach rumbled and every bone in his body ached. He was too tired for this train of thoughts. It was a question to which the answer would have to wait.

It felt like his legs were made of gelatine and there was Uru in his boots as he tried to get up. Every muscle in his body ached and he felt a wave of vertigo when he was finally on his feet.

This ritual had truly done a number on him.

Slowly he made his way to the tiny kitchen in the room and opened a cupboard to grab some biscuits. His stomach kept churning due to a lack of food, but his throat felt as if it was closed off. Would it even be possible to get a bite past the constriction?

Then, he filled a glass of water and sat down in the nearest chair he could find. Carefully he took a small nibble from a dry biscuit.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., how much time has passed?” he asked whilst trying to swallow the crumbs in his mouth.

“Twenty six hours, forty three minutes and nineteen seconds.”

Loki had always liked the extreme detail with which the A.I. answered questions.

He nodded slowly, taking another tiny bite from his biscuit.

“And how worried-” Loki couldn’t even finish his question as the door banged open.

Three people - their auras riddled with worry - entered the room, immediately answering the question he had had.

“Lokes!” Tony exclaimed.

Loki flinched. He wasn’t sure if he liked this degeneration of his name. However, it was less unpleasant than what the Norn had called him.

Apparently the eye-prier and Natasha were there too, and the former spoke next. “Are you okay?”

“I am well,” Loki answered demurely. He was too exhausted for a long conversation and lengthy explanations.

“That took forever. What have you been doing? Did everything go okay? Does this usually take so long?” Of course it was Tony who was quick to ask the questions. He almost forgot to take breaks between his words, concern still etched into his aura.

With a sigh, Loki tossed his biscuit on the table in front of him and instead picked up his glass to take a sip of water. At least, that had been his intention, but instead he drained the glass of its contents in one go.

“Tony, I don’t think this is the right time for all those questions,” Natasha said calmly.

“But-” Tony tried.

Natasha cut him off. “We came to check if he’s fine, which he is, and now it’s time to give him some space.”

“Loki, if you need anything, just let me know,” the eye-prier said, and walked away.

“Come,” Natasha bade, and guided Tony away much to his dismay.

The door closed and Loki was alone again.

***

“What do you mean ‘you brought it with you’!”

“Well, exactly that. You didn’t think I was going to leave such a trinket with HYDRA?”

“And it’s here in the building?”

“No wonder they attacked us. Are we sure it was Loki they were after?”

“Should I have left it with them? Better here than there. Much safer here!”

“Doubt that.”

“At least now they can’t use it and do harm or damage.”

“Still… I think this is a dumb idea. And I would’ve liked it if you had notified us sooner about its presence.”

“This is dangerous. Too dangerous.”

“Only if HYDRA gets their hands on it. For now, it’s safe and I’ll be careful studying it.”

***

It was the third day after Loki had made his choice, and in those three days he hadn’t left his room. Even worse, he had barely left his bed, been dependent on the sustenance the Avengers brought him and his mind constantly felt on the edge of shattering. Yet, where his mind had been so easy to crumble before, it now felt as if there was a thin barrier preventing it from happening.

The ritual had been exhausting, more than Loki had thought it would be. But most of all, the choice he had made weighed heavier on him than he could have anticipated.

Luckily, Natasha’s crusade to keep the Avengers off his back with their questions had worked. Nobody had asked a single question about the event and they had just helped him like they previously had done. Even Bucky had showed up once to watch television for an hour while Loki did nothing else than curling up in the soft blankets.

He would get over it. He would be able to live with his choice and with the eternal loss of his sight, but for now he needed time. And time he had plenty.

There was a knock on the door followed by a click of the latch opening said door.

“Loki?” the person questioned.

It was Tony. He hadn’t stopped by since Natasha had ushered him from the room. Loki didn’t know why. After all, wasn’t he the Human to which this building belonged?

“Here’s something to eat,” the man said, putting a - by the sound of it - platter on the nightstand beside the bed. “I uh-,” he began. “Loki, just so you know, tomorrow there’ll be a party and we want you to attend.”

“Want, or have to?” he answered in a monotone voice.

Briefly, Loki could feel the anxiety spike in the other’s aura before he answered. “It’s non-negotiable.”

Loki groaned his displeasure.

“Lots of people want to meet you. It’ll be fun. So, eh- Don’t be late.” He was already taking his leave, but was stopped by a question.

“What is the occasion?” Loki still wasn’t overly enthusiastic about the situation, but a little more information couldn’t hurt.

“New year’s Eve, of course,” Tony replied happily, the cheeriness he felt about the festivity bleeding through in his energy.

“Of course,” Loki mumbled sourly.

“You have heard of it, haven’t you?”

Loki couldn’t prevent an irritated sigh escaping him. Why did these Humans think he knew nothing of their realm and its traditions? He might not know how a television worked, but some things were older than the grand-parents of their grand-parents. “I have seen Humans celebrating the changing of years for a millennium and more. I am aware of what you are celebrating.”

“Damn. There’s no need to be snappy,” the other answered, peeved. “What did you do in that ritual?”

Blind eyes sought their way to Tony’s form, riveting him to the spot. Quickly the Human began to back-paddle. “Apparently you found your… Spine. Good for you. I’ll be off then. Don’t forget. Tomorrow!”

And in a whirlwind Tony left the room, the door closing with a thud.

Loki furrowed his brows. That had been strange. Was Tony- Had he been afraid of him?

Well, that was confusing.

----

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#loki #Loki Laufeyson #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki whump #Loki Angst #The Avengers #avengers fanfic #Loki is a mess

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galaxythreads · 7 months

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Foegive me of this is a question you've answered in the past but, what are your thoughts on the scene at the beginning of Avengers 1 where Loki sort of doubles over/trips on his way out of the SHIELD base and it's never addressed?

Also thoughts on the canonicity of various myths to the MCU Loki backstory?

no worries, I don't mind answering questions twice. My blog is long and tales tales, so I understand if people don't want to hunt for answers and just reask stuff.

as far as your question goes,

SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING. Do you KNOW how much I LOVE that SCENE (the answer is no because I haven't talked about it) but I LOVE THAT SCENE! That is THE scene to me. I love everything about how carefully it's handled because what you have to look for is SUBTEXT here, because the Avengers was written in a way that forces you to think. It doesn't lay everything out for you, it's intended you come to your own conclusions.

The Avengers trusts you and that is a very strange thing for media now. It's pretty rare to find one that doesn't treat you like an idiot.

Breaking this down:

The first frame with Loki is of him kneeling. That is the first thing we learn about him. I want you guys to remember that the introduction of a character is HUGE. It tells us the most important things for us to know about that character right now

So what do we need to know about Loki RIGHT THEn. Right at the start of the movie?

he's smart. He opened the portal with the Tesseract, from across space, and teleported himself to another planet. This is something no one has replicated (using an infinity stone from across space). Loki is said to "know it's workings like they never will" which says a lot about him.

Loki was GIVEN the scepter by the Chitauri, but if you watch that opening opening scene, it looks more like it's being forced on him than him GLADLY taking it. (There's this half second where the Other waits to make sure Loki is actually going to hold it. Loki doesn't reach for it until he has to. One of the most powerful objects in existence and it practically has to be shoved into his hands) Look how close their bodies are. Like bro???

-okay, then Loki comes through the portal and he is KNEELING. so the first, and I mean the VERY FIRST thing we need to know about Loki is that he is in the subservience of someone/thing else. This gif below is artwork of that moment, but still. Like. who do you think he's kneeling TO? Well, the opening scene of the Avengers showcases that the Other is kneeling to Thanos, Ergo, using the subtext trust that the director/writers have given us, that means Loki was kneeling to Thanos before he came through the portal.

And then, Loki comes out like a hunted animal, but he legitimately does not remember he's holding the scepter until Fury points it out to him. You can see him look down at it in confusion. And okay, WHY is he confused? I remember watching this for the first time at 14 and going huh, that's kinda weird he forgot he had the weapon. What this is trying to tell us is that this is not a familiar weapon to Loki AND -- it is doing something to him. It's emitting that same misty thing that it does when Loki possesses someone later. That wispy smoke is always so interesting to me because of the implications. The scepter doesn't do that unless it is FRESHLY possessing someone. And what do we know about Loki TWO SECONDS AGO?

he was kneeling to thanos.

Anyway, so Loki gives his name, is not a well man, and the scene you're actually referring to is this one:

which GETS ME EVERY TIME. I could talk aout this scene for hours. The implications of it. (Also if you've read my work YSFSLWFTCA, that man who grabs Loki's back is Nathan Swenson ;)

So I've been getting professional acting training for about 6-7 months now and one thing I have learned is that nothing makes it in the movie by accident. The director has to approve it, the editor, the producer, up the whole food chain. This was not Tom Hiddleston sneezing and then them keeping it in the movie because it's funny. So this was put in on purpose. They WANTED you to know that Loki isn't okay. And a scene like this would get like what? idk 3-6 takes at a minimum, which means that they flimed this ON PURPOSE 3-6 times. Tom Hiddleston was instructed to do this ON PURPOSE. That guy who approaches Loki's back was told to do that ON PURPOSE. Loki was supposed to be shown to be a mess physically. Like. Then they go and KEEP doing this later, when Loki can't get into the car and can barely keep himself upright. Loki doesn't start to look "okay" until Germany and even then he's not doing amazing.

What's interesting to me, beyond the obvious implications toward bodily harm - torture! :) - is the timing. Loki immediately topples when Clint hands the Tesseract to Selvig. There's something about Clint doing that that seems to cause him physical pain. That could be a coincidence, and I bet it is because it's not brought up again in the movie that the Tesseract exchanging hands gives Loki physical pain, but it is interesting.

Another interesting point is that Clint looks away, Selvig doesn't care, but that sheild agent Immediately moves up to put his hand on Loki's back to support him. And Loki doesn't flinch. That always struck me as weird, right, because even people who don't have trauma flinch when someone touches their back and they weren't expecting it. And Loki clearly wasn't? So why didn't he twitch at least a little? Tom Hiddleston is too good of an actor for that to be a mistake.

So to me that means that Loki just... doesn't have feeling in his spine at that moment. Or he was in too much pain to even register it. Loki was clearly tortured with some type of heat. If you watch him in this scene he's displaying all the signs of heat exhaustion. So I kinda think that maybe Loki got burned so badly on his back before this happened that he just... doesn't feel anything anymore. It had to have been recent for walking to nearly send him toppling, but Loki's back is a source of issues for the entire movie.

That is why this scene is here from a directing perspective. to SET UP Loki's back problems. The extent of them are left vague, but I think when Tom Hiddleston and Joss Whedon sat down to talk about Loki for the Avengers, one of the things they must have agreed on was that Loki was not in good physical condition and they planned to show that THE ENTIRE MOVIE. I don't know if they talked about torture or Thanos, but they talked about SOMETHING.

But I just...idk. That guy grabs Loki's back to support him in an effort to help and it's just so interesting to me. Because how does the mind control WORK then? Selvig is obsessed with the Tesseract. He almost seems possessed by that rather than Loki. Clint goes completely silent and doesn't do anything except the mission. THIS GUY immediately comes to take care of Loki, and Loki himself is ruthlessly efficient with one goal in his mind. So it's interesting. Subtext! :D

So what do I think about this scene. I think that Loki was tortured and his back is giving out and I LOVE THIS SCENE BECAUSE IT IS SO DARK BUT TRYING NOT TO BE.

Thanos' immediate response to something not going his way is torture and he knows Loki. Knows him well enough to pick his brother out of a crowd in Infinity War and leave him alive until the end. Knows him well enough to make his death personal. Strangulation is a crime of passion. Thanos hurt Loki and he knew Loki, and the idea that Thanos made sure that Loki wouldn't see the torture coming - by doing it to his back/spine - is just an extra layer of awful. Thanos left Thor alive. On purpose. He could have killed him. He didn't.

That was Loki's punishment. Leaving Thor alone. Because Thanos knew that would hurt him the most.

But Thanos also chose to kill Loki, and in infintiny war, while hunting the stones, Thanos doesn't make any unnecessary bodies. Which to me, means that Thanos had to kill Loki because he saw Loki as a threat.

So anyway, somehow I'm talking about Loki and Thanos again, who are my favorite horrible duo and I love talking about them because their relationship is so so messed up. I wish that the Loki series had DONE something with Thanos and Loki, but they didn't. :/

But why Loki's back? Like Thanos started with Loki's head in the post-credits scene of Thor 1:

why did he move to Loki's back? Also the fact that Thanos was having Loki hunt down the Infinity Stones through astral projection and/or enchantment is just so messed up and I love it. Wish it had been explored because THIS ^^^ was the giant beast I wanted poked at in Loki season 1.

#loki #loki meta #in defense of loki #loki was tortured #loki and thanos #their relationship is THE torture/torturee dynamic to me #even including Sam and Lucifer from SPN who also have an equally messed up horrible terrible relationship #i just love the torture/torturee relationships that are just digustingly intimate in a non-romantic way #because torture for the same of torture is just business #there's something terrifying about it being personal #so anyway always happy to talk about thanos and loki #like literally always #this makes me want to write about them lol #*sighs happily* so messed up

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