#lol i'll never make anything better :distress:

[mypoisonedvine]

another idea for dr crane but i'm afraid it might be too similar to thoughtless so please just ignore if it is!!: from personal experience, being a patient of his who is seeing him bc of sexual trauma. fear of penetration due to previous sexual assault. and ofc he's all about exposure therapy. and you wanna trust him so so bad bc he wants what's best for you, he's encouraging you ("you deserve to embrace your sexuality, you get past this one barrier and you're free"), but you start to fight back. and he takes personal offense bc he's your doctor, why don't you trust his expertise? but then it starts to feel good~

idk i picture reader trying with a toy in front of him but he gets impatient sees she's struggling with going that extra step further so he takes control either with the toy or himself.

warnings: not actually that dark (I mean, it is cause he's her therapist lol but he's not nonconning her) but still manipulation, slightly medical kink?, praise kink

(oops this turned out pretty long how did that happen? lmao)

"Did you try what we discussed last week?" he asked, and you pressed your knees together as you looked down and shook your head. "Really? You seemed very positive about it before."

"I was," you admitted. "It seemed really easy-- just sort of training myself, you know. But then I got home and... I guess it was a little overwhelming."

"Hm," he said, and you started to feel guilty for disappointing him. "That's interesting-- it seems like you were more comfortable here than at home. I figured it would be the other way around."

"Yeah, that would make more sense, I guess," you shrugged, "but-- I dunno..."

"Do you want to try again?" he wondered.

"I do," you admitted, "but I'm nervous that I'll start panicking again..."

"Then why don't you try here?"

You tensed up at just the suggestion; "Wouldn't that be... I mean, isn't that...?"

"I'm a medical doctor," he reminded you with a chuckle, "I've seen much worse. This is simply part of your treatment. I want you to get better."

You took a deep breath, nodding. "Okay," you decided. "Okay, I can try it."

"Great," he smiled, uncrossing his legs and resetting his clipboard in his lap. "We agreed before that you'd be more comfortable with your fingers than silicone dilators, is that still--?"

"Yes," you interrupted, "definitely. Feels too... clinical, otherwise."

He nodded, and there was a brief silence.

"So, do I just... start?"

"I'd like you to try," he said gently.

You noticed that his gaze never broke away from you, but you looked down into your lap as you started to slowly spread your legs. "So I just.. reach under my dress?"

"That should be fine," he encouraged. "There's nothing to be afraid of-- this is a safe space."

You nodded in agreement, pulling up your dress enough to reach into your panties. Sighing, you tried not to let nerves get the better of you as you pushed your lips apart with your fingers. But still, the anxiety was bubbling up, and you pressed the tip of your finger to your hole only to feel resistance alongside your distress. "I-- I don't think I can--"

"It's alright," he soothed, "start with the outside first-- stimulate your clitoris."

You choked on a laugh, still too nervous to look at him. "You really are a medical doctor..."

"What, too formal?" he chuckled. "Alright... rub your clit."

That shocked you even more than the clinical language; but it made you pulse inside, too. "O-okay..."

You pressed your fingers against the bud, trying to rub it, but it didn't really feel like anything-- like rubbing your elbow or something. Jonathan corrected you right away: "Not so hard," he said, "start gently."

"Sorry," you breathed, shutting your eyes.

"No-- it's fine," he assured, "I just want to help."

He was right, though; when you lessened the pressure and gently rubbed in circles, it started to feel good-- slowly, but surely. When your next breath came out shaky, you heard him hum with satisfaction.

"Is that better?" he asked.

"Yes," you answered, but you didn't mean for it to be a moan.

"I think you're ready," he informed you-- and something about his voice, it was lower than before, it was different... it was making you wet.

"Ready... for what?" you whispered, daring to open your eyes and see the darkness in his expression as he watched you.

"Ready to fuck yourself with your fingers."

"Oh," you sighed, feeling like you'd been punched in the gut-- in the best possible way. "Okay..."

"Just one to start," he encouraged, "put a finger inside yourself, nice and slow."

You sighed as you pressed the finger up to your hole again, smiling as you realized it was more open-- and wet-- than before. You gently pressed in further, finding some pressure but pushing through it until you were knuckle deep in yourself. You smiled happily; "I did it," you breathed, "oh my god, I-- I never thought I'd--"

"Don't stop," he cooed, "move it back and forth. If you do well enough, you can add a second finger."

You figured he meant it that you would be able to add a second finger, but it almost sounded like a bargain, like a reward. Do what I say and I'll let you add a second, or something. Surely that wasn't what he meant.

"A little faster," he encouraged as you pumped the finger. "That's it, very good."

You whimpered, biting down on your lip to hide your moan. You wanted him to say that again, to tell you that you were doing this correctly.

"Add the second now," he instructed, his own voice suddenly sounding a little hoarse and needy. "Stretch yourself out-- and tell me how it feels."

"It feels good," you panted as you started to add your second finger, whining at the stretch. "Fuck, I-- will they both fit?"

He chuckled a little-- a low, rough sound-- and promised you: "Yes, they'll fit. You can take a lot more than two fingers, with some patience."

You hadn't even imagined being able to do more than this-- for years, you hadn't been able to put anything inside you, and now here you were... fingering yourself in front of your therapist. "How much more?" you wondered, hardly imagining how it could be possible.

There was a long, long pause; you worried he hadn't heard you. Looking at him again, you found him watching with a tight jaw.

"How much more can I take, Dr. Crane?" you asked again.

"You can take anything I give you," he answered tensely.

A shiver ran up your spine; "F-fuck," you whimpered, and your walls pulsed around your fingers.

"You're going to come, aren't you?" he noticed, and you nodded. "Good."

You gasped.

"Very good," he egged you on, seeing the effect it had on you; your head tilted back as you pushed your fingers into yourself faster. "You're doing very well for me-- now I just need to see you come. I just need you to make yourself come."

"Yes, yes," you chanted, hips rocking, moans growing louder. "It feels good-- fuck, Doctor, I--"

"I know," he soothed, "just let it happen. Keep going. Come for me."

It hit you all at once, a heavy and numbing feeling that left you shaking on his couch; he purred out his praises, telling you how good you were doing, and it only made the feeling stronger.

When you exhausted yourself, you stilled; there was a moment of silence, just your panting filling the air, until you found the strength to meet his gaze again. He was smiling at you sweetly, looking oddly similar to how he always did at the end of a session. "That was incredible progress," he said proudly. "You should be very impressed with yourself."

You sighed as you nervously pulled your fingers out of yourself. "I-- do you have a tissue I can wipe these with?" you asked nervously.

"No need," he said, "you should taste it."

"Wh-what?" you choked out, your face even warmer than before.

"Just taste it-- I think you'll like it," he encouraged.

Though you hesitated for a second, you brought your wet fingers to your lips and gently licked off some of the sticky substance left behind.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"It's sort of strange," you admitted.

"It's an acquired taste," he shrugged, making your heart pound as you realized just from the look in his eyes that this was absolutely a taste he'd acquired... then again, there must have been a reason that he knew even better than you how to touch yourself and make you come.

Then, it was impossible not to imagine what he's like when he does this off the clock-- the way he touches and pleasures the women he takes to bed. You imagined him with his fingers inside lace panties, whispering in her ear about how good she was being for him; you imagined him pushing two inside and promising to give her more; you imagined him making her come, over and over, until he's satisfied and brings those soaked fingers to his lips and calling her delicious.

And even though you tried not to picture who that woman would be, you couldn't help but wonder if he'd like a woman like you... if you were the type he'd do that to, if you weren't his patient.

"Thank you," you blurted out. "I never thought I'd be able to... thank you. It's been a long time since I was able to feel that."

He nodded. "Thank you for trusting me," he replied. Glancing at the clock, he sighed a little through a polite smile: "Oh, look at that, we're out of time for today. This has been a really excellent session."

"Yeah," you agreed as you both stood up, "definitely."

"And next week, we can discuss the next steps in your recovery."

You raised your eyebrows when you heard that, already almost halfway out of the office. "Next steps?" you noticed.

"Yes," he agreed, "you made great progress, but there's still so much more for you to learn."

#jonathan crane fic #jonathan crane smut #jonathan crane x reader #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy smut #scarecrow x reader

[stingandsnoutbindery]

Advent Anthology by @pacific-rimbaud

A Compilation of PR's one-shot entries for DHr Advent, years 2020-2022.

Fandom: Harry Potter

Relationship: Draco Malfoy x Hermione Granger

Art by the wonderful @chestercompany

My binderary baby and second fanbinding project.

read below the cut for the process and other binding deets.

Quick Specs

20,015 words | 179 pages | Quarto (1/4 of Letter)

Technique: Flatback bradel Title & Body Font: Libre Baskerville (in various style emphasis)

Fics included:

Les Pelerins (10k; 2020 entry)

I'm Never Lonely When I'm With You (5k; 2021 entry)

On The Virtues of Inexhaustible Burning (5k; 2022 entry)

Pac is the type I could trust to write anything and I know I'll absolutely love. Her advent fics, in particular, I especially adore. The writing is very visceral and I will not admit how many times I've reread these.

On The Book

I had not intended to bind any book/s for @renegadepublishing's binderary because of my hectic schedule, however FOMO won over and this book was born. It was a relatively quick design and typeset (I really do better under pressure lol). I wish I could say the same for when I started the actual binding though. This is the 8th book I’ve bound and I had expected it to go relatively smoothly, but this book fought me every step of the way and I'll indulge in expressing my distress on this post.

First, the print place I go to messed up my typeset, thus me having to travel back home to use our old crappy inkjet (that took 3 hours to print). And because said printer is crappy, I had to use 100gsm short grain to minimize show-through, and well, you can imagine how stick straight the pages are. Second, I made the case too small (I worked on the book after a toxic 12 hour lab day and was not in the right state) and instead of redoing the covers, I re-trimmed and repainted the fore edge (at cost of my lovely margins ..wails). Third & last, the vinyl refused! to stick to the cover and I proper burnt the HTV as well as my finger on my iron. In the book's defense, it was my first time using leather paper and I forgot to test their chemistry.

On The Bind

Everything else went swimmingly, aforementioned shit aside. I tried not to make this book scream Christmas and leaned into a more subtle theme through color choices. I finally got to use this lovely red leather paper from Itoya, which my parents bought me during their trip in Japan. Many thanks to @celestial-sphere-press for helping me out with the shops to visit!

The design cover was made on Illustrator. The words are actually the fic prompts which I arranged in concentric circles, inspired by the arrangement of the advent candles in our local church from years back. I have no idea what paper my print place used, but it has some nice pulp to it.

As I said, I melted the HTV and certain parts refused to stick, so I peeled all of it off, except for the spine title (which miraculously stuck) and used my foil quill pen instead. I used an off-brand one and it's really good!

I also did this sort of strip across the edge which I learned is called a "river" as Nic @bindsbymunchkin called it. The side near the spine though, looked asymmetrically empty, so I added the foiling. And as this is an anthology, the punctuations was a design choice to convey the start and end and pauses in-between stories (and mostly because they just look fancy lol).

Like my last bind, the edges are gold which is comprised of an undercoat of diluted dark gray Sakura acrylic paint and many layers of Liquitex iridescent gold acrylic ink.

Endbands are made with alternating colors of cream, gray, and gold DMC cotton threads, however I'm learning I don't very much like how sewn endbands look on small flatbacks.

The endpapers are my fave. I had already tipped in plain cream cardstock but then I was like: this book needs MARBLED PAPER! so I ripped off the one I had stuck and replaced it. It's actually not real marbled paper HAHA. I sourced it from this site, printed it on some heavy paper, and oh my god I believe the universe really meant for me to find this pattern because it coincidentally matched the colors of the endbands!!

On The Typeset

I wanted to keep things cohesive but also give each story its own character. Libre Baskerville was a lovely typeface to do that on.

From left to right: Les Pelerins, I'm Never Lonely When I'm With You, On The Virtues of Inexhaustible Burning

For Les Pelerins, I wanted to mimic the silhouette of the establishments in Montmartre, hence the varying heights of the letters. If I wasn’t on a time crunch, I would’ve spent more time editing the headers but alas this is what we get. INLWIWY is more straightforward– a pinecone, which was a recurring theme in the story. And I think OTVOIB is my favorite. I drew tiny gold cracks onto the coal rock which is a significant element in the story. It still gives me that stomach flip whenever I reread it (iykyk).

#sting and snout bindery #buzzing books #z’s biblioteca #fanbinding #bookbinding #binderary2023 #dramione #pacificrimbaud #dhr advent 2022 #dhr fic #ficbinding #dhr advent

[lip-rings-and-quiffs]

Hey there!! I see you write fics and I don’t know if you take requests?? If not don’t worry!! But if u do, could you write a luke x reader where the reader struggles with anxiety and ocd? Like checking things a lot (checking doors are locked, oven is off etc) and struggling with intrusive thoughts. But like it doesn’t need to be dark or anything, more like Luke helps to reassure her and it’s more like cute n sweet. If not comfortable writing about this tho I totally understand!! Thank u and love ur writing x

A/N : Ok first of all thank you so much!!! I’ve been feeling like I suck at writing for a while and all so this helped so much!! Ily<33 and I do take requests (for future reference lmao). Anyways I hope you liked this!!

Warnings : ocd, anxiety attacks and such. Well it’s not really graphic but it’s there. Also it’s smol🥺. Had no idea what to name this lol +masterlist | reblogs are highly appreciated<33

Better with You | lh

Ever since you were born, you had always been prone to worrying. As a child, you had been anxious about getting lost or separated from your parents. As you grew older, your fears shifted to other things: locking doors, turning off the stove, making the bed at least seven times a day, making sure you hadn't accidentally offended anyone, apologizing over and over again when you really didn’t have to.

It wasn't until you were in your late teens that you finally found a name for what you were experiencing: obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD. It was a huge relief to know that there was a reason behind your constant need to check things and your intrusive thoughts. And that there wasn’t something “wrong” with you. But even with the medication and therapy, you still struggled.

And that’s where Luke comes in. After you met at a coffee shop one day, he has been the absolute sweetheart, leading him to become your boyfriend and one of the most important people in your life. He had been with you through it all. He had held your hand during panic attacks, listened patiently as you talked about your fears, and never once judged you for your struggles. He was your rock, the best friend, the boyfriend that you could always count on.

One day, you were sitting on the couch, scrolling through various social media platforms, when you suddenly felt a jolt of panic travel through your spine. Had you turned off the oven before you came back to the living room? You couldn't remember. You gulped, closing your eyes for a moment, trying to push the horrific thought away, but it kept nagging at you, growing louder and more insistent with each passing moment.

"Hey," Luke said, his cerulean eyes filled with worry as he took in your distress. "Is everything okay?" You shook your head, unable to speak.

"What's going on?" he asked, taking your hand in his much larger one.

"I don't remember if I turned off the oven," you hiccuped, tears threatening to slip past your waterline. "What if the house burns down?"

Luke squeezed your hand. "It’s okay, why don’t we go check together? Hmm?”

You stood up, feeling slightly unsteady. Luke immediately wrapped his arms around you, securing you in his hold and led you to the kitchen and together, you opened the oven door. It was off.

"See?" Luke said, smiling down at you. "Everything's okay. The house isn't going to burn down."

You let out a shaky breath. "Thank you."

"Of course babe" he said, wrapping his arms around you once more and kissing the top of your head. "I'll always be here to help you through anything."

You leaned into him, cuddling into his loving embrace. After focusing on his heartbeat for a while, it was easy for you to finally calm down. With Luke by your side, you knew that everything would be alright.

A/N: Thank you for reading! Hope you’re having a great day. I love feedback, it helps so much.

+masterlist | reblogs are highly appreciated!<333

#Better with You #my writing #luke asks #luke writing #luke hemmings #lip-rings-and-quiffs #luke imagine #luke hemmings imagine #luke hemmings one shot #luke hemmings x reader #5sos #luke hemmings writing #luke blurb #luke hemmings x you #luke hemming imagines #luke imagines #luke hemmings fanfic #luke hemmings blurbs #luke hemmings x y/n #luke 5sos #five seconds of summer #5sos imagine #5sos writing #5 seconds of summer imagines #5sos x reader #5sos fic #luke 5 seconds of summer #anonymous #my asks🍃

[tarisilmarwen]

Rebels Rewatch: "The Honorable Ones"

Kallus starts growing the nigglings of a conscience and also I never want to visit Bahryn ever.

Does this count as Friendship Fetch Quest episode? I mean... we do technically recruit an ally, albeit we make one out of a consistent former enemy, and he is important to things later...

Yeah, you know what, I'm counting it.

Geonosis looks gorgeous.

Oooooof SO many Death Star foreshadowings in this conversation. This is in fact where they started construction on the Mark I, as far back as the Clone Wars. Some time between now and then (Wookiepedia thinks it's between "Breaking Ranks" and now), the project was moved, the orbital stations scrapped, and the entire population of Geonosis genocided to conceal the project's existence.

Just, you know, your ordinary Tuesday for the Empire.

Hi Kallus!

Love Chopper getting to be an absolutely murderous psychopath again lolol.

Ohhhh hey, this cue is from back in "Droids In Distress" when they were about to blow up the ion disruptors. How fitting, lol.

Ezra is still Not Fond of leaving people behind.

He looks so worried. :(

Love how Kallus and Zeb stop fighting for a second when they realize they're about to crash. Matching Oh Crap expressions and everything.

Ngl, I felt that cry of agony deep in the recesses of my childhood.

(I fell off some parallel bars once in gym, didn't break anything, but my first scream? Sounded not too unlike that.)

Lol Ezra banging on Chopper. "Yes, we want him back! Don't be a sleemo!"

Jeez, how terrified Kallus must have been, stuck in the exact scenario that traumatized him so in the past. Lucky for our favorite asshole Zeb is the honorable type.

Yup, yeah, pissing his pants terrified. David does a really good job with Kallus this episode, it's one of the first times they let him show a bit more range and he does shrill and hysterical very nicely, if I may say so.

Kallus is so assured of the Empire's fairness and nobility, aww let's shatter that to pieces this episode. :D

Worried Ezra continues to be worried. <3

He is already shivering, nice little animation here. Also lol @ Zeb pettily pulling the heater closer towards him.

Ahhh the glowing rock of friendship. Love that Kallus keeps it after this.

"You're going to hurt yourself!" <3 See this mother hen behavior right here is why I stuck the Iron Squadron kids with him in my Mirrorverse series, Kallus being a fussy fretful Team Mom is hilarious.

Ah NOPE, nope, nah-uh. Nooooooo thank you.

The bonzami are actually really well-designed. They look like prehistoric dinosaurs of some kind. Definitely evocative of all my childhood nightmares about T-Rexes.

Kallus parroting the Might Makes Right and Social Darwinism of the Empire, leading to Zeb beginning to ask pointed questions.

Oh man there was a really good analysis on here someone did about Kallus's fighting style, how he's better at close quarters than distance/ranged, I wish I remembered who wrote it.

Subtle animation appreciation detail: That pinched guilt in Kallus's expression.

Oooh yeah, that's the good stuff.

Kallus launches into his tragic backstory, possibly to try and remind himself why he personally hates Lasats, rejustify in his head how it was okay for him not to question orders when told to use the ion disruptors--("They deserve it, they're bad people, they kill the injured!")--and the connection to Saw is not a coincidence I think, the writers expand heavily on the whole "It's how we fight that matters." and "The ends justify the means." conflict later on down the line. Numerous characters on this show like Saw and Thrawn and Kallus to an extent represent what happens when you go too far to fight those you consider monsters. I've always loved how firmly Rebels comes down on the side of "The means do matter."

Probably one of the reasons I'm still kind of relucant to watch Andor, I know fandom loves that "I burn myself for a sunrise I'll never see." quote but eehhhhhhhhh.

The exchange right after Kallus's story is a bit clunky, I get what the intent was--that there are people in the Empire who aren't cold and bloodthirsty and evil and the Rebels shouldn't write them all off like they're the same--but it's clumsily executed.

PPFFFFTTTTTT LOLOLOL. KALLUS CANNOT BELIEVE THE SHEER PETTINESS IN ZEB HURLING THE BO-RIFLE OUT OF THE CAVE RATHER THAN LET HIM HOLD IT.

Hey remember when I said I love David Oyelowo's hysterical Kallus voice? Yeah.

Zeb's prehensile feet put to good use again.

Ohhhhh yeah no that's absolutely a terrifying concept for me. Nope.

"Hey we didn't get eaten! Are we friends now?"

There's some debate in the fandom about the inconsistency of the stories Kallus tells from "Droids In Distress" to here. Some parts of fandom point to how he almost gleefully bragged about giving the order to use the ion disruptors and others point out that he couldn't possibly have been high enough in the ranks at that point to actually have the authority to do that.

I tend to fall more towards the latter camp, that he wasn't actually THE one to give the order but he didn't question it and passed it right along due to his prejudice against the Lasat, and only said what he said to Zeb to rile him up. As much as he hated Lasats though, there has been some guilt severely weighing on him since then, and I'm pretty sure it's partly due to his confusion over the Honor Guardsman giving him his bo-rifle. There was a note of aggravated self-defense in Kallus's voice when he explains to Zeb how it was given to him, like he's dispensing with an act and being all, "All right look here's how it really happened."

This conversation is slightly less clear but to me reads like Kallus is detailing his thoughts from the moment he'd been given the order. Like it's mid-battle and it's going harder than they anticipated and the weapons are handed out and he's told to use them and he realizes, "Oh. The Empire is not playing around are they?" and he shoves down his own potential qualms about it and just passes on the order.

Zeb, having had his character development, is dismissive of Kallus's attempt to explain the massacre, saying that it doesn't affect him anymore, basically.

They're so happy to see him. <3

Awwwwwww.

Subtle animation appreciation moment: Zeb's little elbow bump to Ezra's arm as they climb up the ramp.

Ohhhhhh man the behind the scenes had a little plot bit that they should have kept, basically it was not the Empire that retrieved Kallus from Bahryn, it was a scavenger ship, the Empire spent a paltry two rotations looking for him and then wrote him off, he had to make his way back to them on his own.

Konstantine doesn't even look at him.

:((((((

Kallus's redemption is a bit of a polarizing topic in fandom. Personally I'm very fond of it, I like Kallus as an antagonist-turned-Rebel, I think he's a lot of fun post Heel Face Turn and the many myriad fanfics that bridge the gap between "Zero Hour" and Season 4 featuring Kallus slowly blending in to the Spectres are among some of my favorites.

But it's also one of my major nitpicks because it's a bit lacking in legwork. Show👏me👏the legwork!👏 Like 90% of all writing problems can be solved just by expending some effort. Don't just have Kallus as the new Fulcrum offscreen between seasons I need to SEE it.

That being said, this is a mostly tightly written Locked In A Room type episode, well-paced, decently animated. Fandom definitely loves it and I'll still give it fairly regular rewatches since it's another of the husband's favorites.

Next up, we return again to Lothal for Force Weirdness.

#star wars #star wars rebels #agent kallus #rebels rewatch #liveblog

[parad-ice-lostandfound]

Also, those characters kissing you even when sick is so true lol. Some just wouldn't care, others don't think they can get sick, im sure atleast one would have the thought process "if im sick too then I can care for her and then have her care for me in return"

Lmao exactly!

Like, Mammon's definitely all "Oh, a stupid human cold can't do anything to the great Mammon!" And then immediately wake up the next day complaining of his throat feeling funny the next day. My beloved babygirl <3

Diavolo will get out the puppy eyes like "🥺🥺 Please🥺🥺 want kith 😚" ignoring your protests, to the point where Barbatos just gets fed up and goes "let him fuck around and find out" lmao. And he does, because like you said, he doesn't think he can get sick, and even if he does, that'll mean he'll get pampered by the love of his life <3

Floyd will squeeze you till you agree to letting him kiss you. He wants kisses shrimpy!!! >:(

Another one who thinks he's immune to sore throat because he's a merperson. Gets so whiny and pouty and is perpetually in a bad mood when he gets sick 'cause he feels horrible, much to the amusement of Jade and exasperation of Azul. Feels better if you take care of him tho. I love this unhinged little eel <3

Kalim, ah, this ball of sunshine, he does not care. His reasoning will be something sweet like "Kisses make everything feel better!! I'll kiss you so you can get well faster." Like babe, I love you, but Jamil is going to kill me if you get sick. Please keep them lips away <3

Rook is... just Rook. He'll wax poetic about how your cheeks and nose look divine with the red hue that decorates them, and how your hoarse voice has a tragic sort of beauty. He simply cannot resist trying to kiss you, and he will succeed. After all, the hunter never misses. And once he falls sick, he'll be your personal damsel in distress to take care of! Isn't it simply marvelous?

Malleus. The love of my life. This is one who is pouty and whiny about not getting to kiss you. What do you mean he cannot kiss you? Do you not love him anymore child of man?? Grumpy Malleus mode activated.

When he gets sick, he's surprised. Like darling, if you kiss me when I'm sick, what do you think you'll get?? Immunity?? This ain't a vaccine, it's the consequences of your own actions <3

And then, I'll make each of them eat the mysterious herbal powder my grandma's been feeding me since yesterday evening that makes me feel like I'm gonna turn into real life Spiderman lol (in all seriousness it works wonders, because I don't feel like I'm dying anymore. Ayurveda for the win!)

#obey me #obey me shall we date #omswd #obey me mammon #obey me diavolo #twst malleus draconia #twst #twisted wonderland #twst kalim #twst rook #twst floyd #ice speaks #ice answers #ice's moots #hi kit! #asks

[supanuts]

One last thing and then I'll never darken your doorway/ask box again, but I just need to get all this pent-up Way-related madness out of my system so I can put it all behind me and move on!

Inspired by your tags on the post compiling the mind control moments, I thought how this is a great example of confirmation bias and it's really fascinating how differently we interpret things depending on our predisposition to view someone/something a certain way: those ppl who view Way primarily as a manipulative, creepy, irredeemable antagonist (each to their own!) see him using his power on Babe in ep 9 when they're hugging as the sick cherry on top of a moulding cake - it's Babe's most vulnerable moment and Way can't help himself, he's at it yet again, the utter bastard.

Whereas in that same moment what I see - someone who views him primarily as a deeply fucked up, morally confused, painfully tragic disaster - is a man watching the person he loves most in the world (regardless of how we judge his feelings, that's certainly what Way believes) completely break down, sob in his arms, and feel utterly helpless in the face of that pain - unable to comfort him, to make it better, to make Babe stop hurting. He looks positively panicked. And that's partly because of his own lies and secrets and the general complications of their situation, but it's also because he's a trainwreck himself - he doesn't have the psychological toolkit necessary to provide Babe with the solace he needs. So he falls back on the only thing Tony's conditioned him to think he's good for - he feels powerless so he uses his power. It's all he has. It's all he can do. It's such a childlike reaction, it breaks my heart - often when a child encounters someone in distress, that's their exact reaction: stop crying! Don't be sad! They're bewildered, they're hurting now too, and they don't know what to do, they just know they don't like it, so they simply order you to feel better. It's coming from the same sort of place, it's just that Way happens to have the ability to make that order a reality! And maybe I'm grasping at straws, but I think it's important that all he actually uses his power to say is, effectively, 'dont cry, you'll always have me', which, as you pointed out, is a perfectly normal sentiment to express to an upset friend! And even then you can see his hesitancy in doing it. If he really was a terrible horrible no-good very bad boy, this would be the moment to take advantage of Babe, physically or emotionally. But he doesn't. Okay, so the bar is super low, but I don't care - I'm still claiming it as a win for Way's potential redemption!

and because it took me so long to reply to the others i actually got a third ask ijbol 

ANON DON’T LEAVE ME, my ask box is open for whenever you need to get all your pent-up way-related or pit babe in general madness out of your system, so feel free.

disclaimer i should have made earlier maybe: i didn’t know nut before pit babe, so i wasn’t influenced by him playing way in any way. don’t let my username fool you; i am a hot wheel omegaverse fan first and foremost and a nut supanut fan second.

i have to say i felt so proud as more eps came out and they kept making more and more obvious what was happening with way… because i clocked it in that first scene at the pool table, on second watch iirc. it took so much effort not to point it out to my friend when i watched the ep with her later that i had to shut up so i wouldn’t say anything lol i love when they do things like that hhh

i’m pretty sure that’s the moment i started paying more attention to way too, because he uses his powers on babe

to tell him something completely normal that anyone would just tell to their friends directly. and, to me, there’s only two ways to read his motives there: either he thinks he needs to use his powers to get through babe’s thick skull because he would not believe it otherwise, or he doesn’t believe in himself enough to think babe, his best friend, would actually listen to him and believe him. (arguably you could say he wants to make sure babe goes to him and no one else, which i don’t think is the case, but i will say it here just to be perfectly clear.) whichever his reasoning actually was it made my sad man alarm go off full blast. i didn’t have an opinion on him yet at that point, only found his reactions to the charlie situation funny, so that was my honest reaction without having any kind of preconceived notion or expectation from the character.

and then, as the story kept progressing, he kept using his powers for similar reasons.

yes he still mind-controlled babe in fucked up ways into believing he wasn’t worthy of love, but now, because he doesn’t already believe that anymore, the idea wouldn’t take. it would hurt babe’s feelings hearing his best friend say that, but it was honestly something he had believed at some point, and again way was trying to protect babe in the most misguided way possible.

and then of course there’s the scene in ep 7 after babe learns about charlie being another of tony’s children and i don’t know if you’ve watched it again after way’s reveal, but you can see his thoughts and feelings so clearly in his face. he’s feeling helpless in so many ways and he wants his friend to stop hurting so he knows the only think he knows that works and it’s so fucked up, because it doesn’t really do anything. he only gets babe to stop crying, which doesn’t make him stop hurting, only makes way stop seeing it, and i don’t think he puts that much thought into it, as you said it’s very clearly a childlike reaction, but it is so telling of way as a character and of his state of mind. not least of all because we’ve seen him comfort babe a lot more with things that are nothing compared to this, but here he doesn’t know what to say or do. so yeah, no notes.

you and me anon, you and me. i do think we’re getting a redemption arc, specially with pete’s whole thing toward way, but i’m cautiously not counting my eggs just yet. 

breaks my heart when people don’t stop to wonder why someone that from what we know has the sole mission of bringing babe back home to tony couldn’t have used his powers to either do just that back then or mind-controlling babe into thinking he was in love with him, and instead has spent the last 10 years next to him every day as his best friend. love by itself is neither good or bad, it simply is. 

#pit babe #pit babe the series #asks #anon #way anon #long post

[obstinatecondolement]

Having kind of a post-NaNoWriMo dip in mood re: the fic groove I have been in tbh. (mental illness and insecurity bullshit, mensturation mention cw)

I do still feel Very Strongly about the ideas I have and I do want to write them/continue working on them in the case of the two WIPs I started this week, but without the external structure of the event it's harder to thinking about sustaining that, especially given that I was making so many glaring mistakes that I feel looked very amateurish (I know it's an amateur hobby, but whatever, I expect very ridiculously high standards of myself in almost everything that I would never hold anyone else to and it's always crushing when I inevitably fail to meet them, lol).

The things I was getting wrong were mostly basic spelling errors, using the wrong word in common phrases that turned things into the uncanny valley of that phrase that didn't not make sense but weren't how anyone would say that particular thing naturally, accidentally flipping word order (or not rephrasing the rest of a sentence properly after copying and pasting things around, etc.), and just, like ... random gibberish typos that only became obvious to me after I posted, despite trying really hard to self edit myself carefully.

It's very difficult for me to have the focus to be able to do that sort of detail oriented task when things are in fast-brain mode. And, like, attention to detail is something I am typically very good at, so it's deeply embarrassing to me, especially in a new fandom where I'm creating a first impression.

And like, more generally I also feel like the shine has kind of gone off me and, I know that this is just my literal mental illness distorting my perception of Everything, but it feels like the fandom is already kind of over me because I'm too much. This is all very much a me problem and I don't think it's true or that anyone has treated me badly or done anything that would reasonably create this impression to a person who was not Going Through It (hence the read-more and, like, also: if you are a recent Ghosts follower you have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but nice to me and I don't want you to reassure me*, I'm just insane and I need to get a grip/have serious mental health issues and need to be better at distress tolerance and not being so insecure in how I'm perceived and prone to assuming that people are sick of me.

But, anyway, I think that part of this is just like... also pretty normal? Hypomanic episodes can last up to months, but usually they do fizzle out much sooner than that for most people most of the time, so I think that I just have kind of run out of steam and now I'm going low again having been pretty high for a sustained two-ish weeks and the very obvious external end of the line signal given by NaNo ending has kind of naturally triggered that downturn.

And I am like, speaking pretty approximately here? I think I probably have mixed episodes more than pure hypomanic episodes, for the most part? But, yeah, I don't know. I think the rollercoaster is coming out of a corkscrew and it's just going down now. Which, you know, does suck but it also won't last forever, so that is some comfort. I also still think I might be premenstrual, which does fuck with my head a lot, so, y'know. TL;DR, I'll be fine, but I am having a hard time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

*Like, genuinely, please don't. This is a Me problem and I think it would be bad both for me and for my relationships with others if I were to make the people around me feel that they had to constantly protect my feelings by showering me with attention and reassurance, or whatever. And also, like, I'd feel Very Bad if I thought other people felt guilted into doing that because I made a vent post about my irrational feelings that I know full well on an intellectual level are not reflecting an objective reality, because other people do not deserve to feel personally responsible for the bullshit my brain pulls on me.

[krysmiss]

My Gallavich Intro

Thanks for putting this together @callivich ! 😊 Name: Krystal

Age: 29

What made you fall in love with Gallavich?

I love how they continued to persevere and make their ways back to each other. Most people in their circumstance(s) would have given up on each other and the idea of ever being together and happy but they loved each other enough to never give up, despite the universe telling them that they should. They knew that they were each other's soulmates so they clawed their ways through the many (many) obstacles that came their way and fought to make it work. Now they're together, married and happy and that'll always make me happy. 🥹🥰

How long have you been a fan? Since May of 2023. Very newly obsessed.

Favourite Gallavich moment/scene? There's a lot of Gallavich moments that I absolutely love but I'll try to narrow it down to just 3, in no particular order:

In season 1 when Monica shows up for the first time. The first thing Ian did was run to the Milkovich house to see and talk to Mickey. Though Mickey was hesitant to talk to Ian at the moment (because Terry was there), Mickey showed that he cared about Ian by agreeing to meet Ian at the Kash and Grab to make sure he was okay. That moment, even though it is so early in the series, showed how much they cared for each other already. Mickey being the first person on Ian's mind in a moment of distress, and Mickey dropping everything to make sure Ian was alright is a moment that's so special to me. They were so young and had feelings for each other that neither of them probably couldn't really explain if they tried to at the time, but they both knew that there was something more there. Mickey also already knowing Ian's work schedule makes me smile like a giddy little idiot every time lol 🥰

The "sorry I'm late..." moment 🥹💞. Even though Mickey had his own shit to work though with Ian's diagnosis, him still showing up for Ian and letting him know that he wasn't going anywhere despite it all was so fucking sweet and I love it.

The prison reunion. Nothing says true love like getting yourself thrown into prison and giving up your freedom because you found out that the person you love is going to prison and you want to be with them, regardless of the circumstances.

Favourite Shameless character apart from Ian and Mickey? Kev and Sheila

Do you write or draw or make edits? I don't - I'm not talented enough for that lol. I do enjoy seeing, reading and supporting everyone else's art and fics though!

Favourite type of Gallavich fics? I usually go for one shot post canon or canon compliant fics, usually full of fluff and/or smut, though I'm not opposed to multi-chapter ones. I love reading post-canon fics about married Ian and Mickey being understanding and taking care of each other as they both continue to work though their shit. Mickey always knowing what his husband needs and taking care of him, even when Ian doesn't ask him to, or Ian always reassuring his husband and letting him work though his own trauma always tugs at my heart strings 😭. I also don't mind reading fics that include the rest of the family. I want to eventually venture out to reading maybe some AU fics at some point though.

Favourite Gallavich quote? Idk if I can choose just one so here's my top 3 - again in no particular order:

Their vows 🥰. Everytime I think about their vows, I think of a headcanon that someone wrote on here (don't remember exactly who at the moment, sorry!) talking about how they each emphasized a different word in their vows and how accurate and on brand it was for them. I get the warm fuzzies everytime.

"Ian, what you and I have makes me free. Not what these assholes know."

"I can take care of him, okay? Let me take care of him til he's better... We're taking care of him here. You, me, us. His fucking family."

Anything else you’d like to share about yourself? I first started watching Shameless at the beginning of May of 2023 (after being told for years that I should watch it and continuously putting it off - kicking myself now) and as of mid July, I've watch it a total of 4 times. So when I post or reblog something saying that I'm obsessed, I truly mean obsessed. I have never loved or cared for individual characters or a couple from a TV series or movie as much as I do Ian Gallagher and Mickey Milkovich.

#finally posting this after filling it out multiple times and it never saving in my drafts 🙄 #gallavichintro

[uter-us]

So, this is going to be long but I have a couple of questions and you are so eloquent Ive been waiting to find a radblr as level headed to come to abt this. Essentially in the more recent past I engaged with sex and sexual content for for lack of better explanation just sexual issues from childhood and whatnot and I have been trying so incredibly hard to disengage from anything like those bdsm type situations and relationships. I stopped watching porn, even softcore gif type of stuff and I completely stopped shaving a little over a year ago to distance myself entirely from the sort of young girl fetish. But, no matter what I say or how logical I phrase it (or having actually experienced this dynamic with a man) my friends seem to think things like CNC and other bdsm kinks are okay and help people cope. Which I also thought until I acted on it with men and I realized I was dealing with very sick people who got off on my fear and pain and WILL violate trust in small ways until they're too big to ignore. And what can you do but endure what you've been begging for and participating in? I try and negate the blame because I was young (and sidenote: from the age of 11 or so constantly seeing porn and anime hentai and just weird sexual things so easy to find I feel like I almost never had a chance with my predispositions, but still I chose to engage and so many positivity posts for like ddlg and shit like that were EVERYWHERE when I was a teen, most girls I knew saying they are making OFs as soon as they graduate and just no escape of sex in that way) and inexperienced and a heavy alcoholic along with experimenting with drugs for the first time in my life but I'm still sickened by myself. And the worst part was that I did chose it, and sometimes wanted to go farther than I could handle just out of my own intense self destructiveness and trying to awaken memories I had locked away as a sort of control over my mind but all I did was have new memories to lock away and three years of finding myself and fighting so hard to stop drinking about it. I just want to get through to them so they don't go through the same hurt that I did, especially because a friend I'm thinking of specifically went through much more horrific sexual traumas than I and I don't want her to be lost in it a new kind. Do you have any suggestions? Or even articles or reading that I could show her? I try to pepper in screenshots of radfem posts I see acknowledging it but she is very very Barbie movie liberal feminist. Idk. I just don't want her to go through the guilt and the shame and the horror anew after what she's been through after I did and i don't want her to think I'm attacking her because I know I sometimes come across as aggressive when I'm feeling passionate. I'm just so frustrated and I feel like when I make a very valid point trying to be as neutral emotionally as I can it always comes back to "people can cope however they want" and I know this is kinda repetitive lol but like yeah they can. But you're digging your own emotional grave and I know because I've done that already!!! I feel like a crazed hag yelling on top of a soap box on the roadside when I just want these young women to understand that you don't gain power by throwing yours in the toilet!!!

Thank u reading if u take the time I know this is kind of heavy but I would really appreciate feedback if u feel up to it 💛

hey I'm glad you reached out. everything you said sounds and is incredibly distressing. I can empathize with a lot of what you said; I think we've had similar experiences, and also have similar fears for our friends. you're a really kind person to want to look our for your friends, and I'd definitely like to be able to help you as best i can. I want to preface this though by (and I'm sure you've heard this before but I'll never stop saying it!!) you're not to blame, and you should never feel "sickened by yourself" :( these types of things are awful and complicated, but the fault here is never yours. ♡

suggestions on explaining

sometimes it's easier to instead of sending your friends all of the links, to maybe space it out a bit and (in whatever words you'd use,) be like "hey look what I've been reading" and maybe send the link, and (something I've done is) take maybe 1-2 screenshots of the most important parts of the article, and then also use a highlight tool to mark out 1-3 phrases from each screenshot. ideally, they'd just read the full article (and depending on how your friends are they might!) but at least this way you can ensure they won't zone out on really integral parts, and/or this way they can read the integral parts twice yk? this is j a suggestion on how to give the information, but you can give it however is best for your friends to get it!

i also understand that you've had these experiences, and I don't know if it was hard or easy to come to terms w the reality of bdsm/ddlg/cnc/etc, but for some people its especially difficult. i dont know if your friends have engaged in these things (or if youre aware they have), but "sex positivity" and "don't kink shame" is (as I'm sure you're well aware!) such a huge part of libfem ideology :/ it sucks because that makes it very hard to unlearn. and so, if any of these people you're talking to have had these types of experiences, that could make bdsm-related stuff even harder to unlearn only because (I'm referencing the one specific friend u were talking abt), if she's set on it being a "coping mechanism," it might be like that for her (or she's thinking/justifying trying it in the future). (if that doesn't apply to her, then anyone else you discuss this w it might apply to ! at least this is how it goes ime so it depends).

additionally, depending on how libfem they are, it honestly might serve both of yall better to refer to all of this w unisex words/pronouns, only cuz if your number one goal is their safety regarding this type of thing, i think the fact that the dominant/aggressive role or cnc perpetrator is mostly male, and that the submissive/subservient role or cnc victim is generally female, is a seperate conversation. they might be more open to it that way, but use your best judgement! (once they better understand, a follow up topic could be about why the same group of majority rapists irl (aka males) is the same group of majority cnc rapists in fantasies (aka males), but thats typically a seperate conversation)

OF/porn part

okay so first to tackle the OF part. i know it was brief, but here are j some links j incase + some bdsm stuff but specific to porn

OnlyFans Is Not a Safe Platform for ‘Sex Work.’ It’s a Pimp.

OnlyFans is an experiment in mass grooming

OnlyFans is sex work and pornography — stop calling it ‘empowering’

OnlyFans is just another pimp-led pyramid scheme

"ethical" porn / trafficking personal experience (the "Consider Before Consuming" series is very informative, but a lot is graphic so be prepared)

Ex-Porn Performer Describes What BDSM and Abuse Porn Is Really Like

How Porn Played a Role In My Childhood Sexual Abuse || Barbi’s Story

Jessica's Story: My Life As A Porn Star

What Led Me Into the Mainstream Porn Industry || Alia’s Story

bdsm - suggestions for explaining

now for the bdsm stuff. so for starters, something i hear 24/7 abt ddlg/cnc/etc related stuff is "its just a fantasy!" and i think an easy work around for that is j conceding that its a fantasy, and referring to them as "fantasies." i see a lot of feminists focus (imo) too much time trying to prove they arent just fantasies (and i get that in some scenarios which i will get to in a minute), but generally its just irrelevant. if someone was fantasizing about killing people, we would ofc be concerned. EVEN if that person never went on to kill anyone, it should STILL be of concern (including if they were getting aroused by the violence!). similarly to if someone was fantasizing about having sex w a daughter/kid figure or raping someone, we should be concerned. like if im against people pretending to rape others, and someone says "its just a fantasy," that is a worthless statement because i am literally against that too. i am anti rape fantasy too yk?

also if calling them "fantasies" doesn't feel right, you could also call them "situations they enact" or "situations they pretend to do," and you can even tag on at the end a "that they get aroused from." Depending on the context though, "fantasies" might actually do a disservice in that the term usually implies its just in the persons head, as opposed to something they are actively pretending to do to/with someone.

choking / strangulation

so for example, this work around goes out the window when the "fantasies" arent roles being played, and are instead actions like (the unfortunately common) "choking" or "breathplay" aka strangulation. it would be ridiculous to call this a fantasy or pretend when someone is legitimately blocking your airway and blood to your brain. "we cant consent to this" is a UK based group that (i believe?) started in opposition to the rough sex defense. i like this website because they have ample anecdotes (which the personal aspect can be more convincing for some), as well as actual information and statistics which shows the patterns of abuse. (theres more pages worth reading than j those 2 fyi!!)

this is actually another suggestion for explaining, but (especially for choking) its SO normalized that one of your friends might have even tried it on someone else, or (whats more likely still) one of their partners (specifcally bfs) could have done it to them. im saying this because its important that however you say it, its probably in yalls best interest to make it less of a moral judgement, and more like a "some people dont know this -- even the ones doing it -- but choking is actually dangerous!". if shes had a previous bf who she loved or even just liked, i imagine it would feel so hurtful so hear that what he's done is misogynistic or sadistic. i think something important ive had to learn and apply in my own life is gauging when to be more heavy on the feminist part, and when to be more heavy on the safety part, yk? like i remind myself when i have these conversations irl that some if not most of the time, my goal is to make sure the woman/girl understands why its unsafe and not necessarily why its sexist. (obviously use your best judgement on your friends because for some it IS best to talk abt the misogyny too! it just depends ofc)

CNC and DDLG

okay next. the way this woman explains cnc is well done. i think for cnc, ddlg, or other bdsm related stuff, it makes it easier for some to understand when they focus less on the person playing the victim or child, and shine the light instead on the person playing the rapist or pedo/adult or aggressor. its a real dillema that i think is best explained by this quote that ive been trying SO hard to find but i will paraphrase (and if anyone can lemme know if they know it that would be amazing), but its something like "What pro-BDSM activists require is the idea that there are thousands of men who care deeply about the issues of rape, sexual assault, pedophilia, and physical abuse, and also at the same time are aroused by it." Again i dont remember the quote exactly, but its that same sentiment. and its very true! it also forces you to ask, "why does my boyfriend get hard when i pretend to cry?" or "why does he get turned on when I say 'no'?" i think that even if you are pro- "people can cope how they want," you're still left with the scary realization that the life-long traumatic experiences of victims of DV/SA/CSA could just as easily be fantasies for others, and not just fantasies, but fantasies AS THE ABUSER.

things abusers say to intimidate, or things generally violent people say can and are the exact things people say in BDSM spaces. things victims say to escape (or don't say, like w kinks related to passing out or drugged women), or the actions both abusers and victims do, are also used in those BDSM spaces. its worth noting too that like, where are the these ideas coming from? where are they getting their material for fantasies? its sadly a collection of real experiences. sometimes w "twists," but rooted in real violence nonetheless. what came first, a rape kink or rape? the kink came from the arousal to rape. so what does it say about those two groups (cnc perpetrators and rapists) that they both do similar things, say similar things, and get off to similar things? it says something really scary and concerning, ill tell ya that. (plus they don't even have to say its the SAME thing, but the fact that its so similar isn't enough?)

additionally, where do DDLG ppl get the material/words/phrasing/etc for their fantasies? it comes from imitating children and parent conversation, and then pedo dynamics. they are aroused by pretending to talk to and then have sex w a child. the fantasy isnt something that could never happen; they are getting their fantasies from real people's experiences whether they realize it or not.

for example, i got this anonymous message like 2 weeks ago:

someone could have read that to me and told me it was someone into cnc and degredation or something, and how could i not believe it? if i had to determine if this was either a threat, or a line in someones "healthy" sex life, how would I know? despite the fact that one example of these exact words is used for aggression/malice, its scary that it could just as easily be used for arousal! both people are gaining something (power, control, arousal, pleasure) from the statement, so why would i not question ANYONE who is gaining something from that statement, EVEN when consensual.

i also think, kind of going back to the part about where cnc/ddlg/bdsm people's material is sourced (aka rooted in real rape fantasies, sometimes with "twists" or whatever but the root of it is arousal to rape), something really upsetting and sad is the fact that (for example) if someone is aroused by their gf pretending to cry and fight back in bed, if/when the bf is out and about, chances are at least at SOME POINT in his life, he will encounter a woman who was raped. and so this woman, vulnerable and retelling a moment of distress and trauma, describing her rape (or CSA or DV or torture or other experience) could and has described probably thousands of fantasies, some of which he could have participated in. people forget what a strong conditioning tool an orgasm is. do you think kinky sex with his gf wont even cross his mind, like it wont even occur to him that theyve played through this same event? sadly, of course it will. his brain has been conditioned to associate those descriptions/images/etc with sexual pleasure. thats another reason i can never get behind pro-bdsm stuff (like deny the facts now that im aware of them) cuz the stuff the abuser is imagining/pretending/etc has happened, is currently happening, and will continue to actually happen to hundreds of millions of people.

i also want to talk about your friend saying "people can cope how they want to." i think that response is misguided. id love to know where this originated because it seems so contradicting to the types of people who do say this (ime). cuz like ive seen a lot of libfems talk about mental health problems and addiction, and they are great at recognizing that sometimes things that make you feel good temporarily (like substance abuse, self harm, eating disorders), hurt you in the long run. and notice how the things i listed are also coping mechanisms? like yes people CAN cope how they want to, but we shouldnt encourage or even normalize self-destructive behavior (like the compromising and vulnerable and violent and painful scenes and roles in BDSM). imagine if someone was previously an alcoholic and is now sharing why that was so harmful for them. if someone replied "people can cope how they want to," yea thats a true statement, but that doesnt mean anything to what the person is expressing. they are saying they DID choose to cope how they wanted to, and now they are sharing how harmful that was in order to prevent others from making that same mistake

futhermore, my second point to that "let people cope how they want to" statement, would be the implication that statement suggests. the basis of the statement says that yes, there are people who engage in bdsm-related sex in order to cope with that trauma. but that implies there is also a group of people who take advantage of that in order to get aroused!

(this MIGHT be a time when its worth recognizing the sexist patterns. since female ppl make up the majority of victims of SA, and also the majority of submissive roles in bdsm, and additionally that males make up the majority of perpetrators of SA, and also the majority of dominant roles in bdsm, this could help solidify your case that patterns show what group is most likely to want that dominance/control, and who to get it from. although w this, im sure your friend might bring up "femdom" or dominatrix stuff, and you can look to this short post but if you want further explanation feel free to dm or send another ask, but regardless, thats the minority when it comes to d/s dynamics (hence why its specified its FEMdom, because the standard "dom" doesnt need to tell us its for males, but femdom needs to specify its a woman this time.))

lastly, the WDI is a generally great resource (videos like this one and this one) however I don't suggest at all sharing it w libfem friends cuz (like in both those videos) they include gender critical statements

anyway, hopefully this explanation is helpful, and i hope it goes well with your friend. i appreciate your patience as this took me a few days to get to and finish. i know i didnt cover every base, and theres a lot to be said about this topic, but i hope i sent you in the right direction.

i genuinly am hoping the best for you and your friends. you're a kind person, and I'm glad you were able to reach out. and I'm glad you're cultivating a porn and bdsm -free life! ♡ feel free to dm me anytime.

take sm care and be so safe

#radfem #radical feminist safe #radblr #sex based oppression #mvawg #male socialization #not j a reblog tag

[itsclydebitches]

So, between the 5-minute sneak peek AND the intro we got like last year, we already know how basically the first 6-8 mins of chapter 1 goes and it feels real underwhelming for an opener. Part is recap, half is Little, and if the chapter ends up only being like 13 mins or something it's disappointing so far? Also food for thought: We're in Wonderland, probably made by Oz - a place where things can be 'hidden better than most'. Anyone else placing bets we're finding the Relic of Choice here?

Yeah, I have to admit that at this point I'm feeling rather underwhelmed too. Giving RWBY the benefit of the doubt, it's always possible that we're missing a fairly significant piece between Ruby's fall into the Ever After and her encounter with Little. I personally hope that's the case because, as stated elsewhere, a few seconds of crying really isn't a good follow-up to the trauma of our Volume 8 finale. Especially when that recap intro works hard to emphasize Ruby's distress. If we move from her watching Yang fall, through Ruby falling herself, Neo fighting her on the way down, transforming into friends to emotionally fuck with her, waking up in an unknown place all alone... and that leads directly into the humor of finding Little? Yeah, I'm personally not a fan of the jarring tone switch and any frequent visitors to this blog know I haven't been for a while. Imo RWBY needs to commit to the hard-hitting plots it keep trying to sell, not continually pull back from them.

If I'm allowed to place a bet on the group finding the Relic, then yeah, I'll take it lol. Honestly, I'm on the fence about this one. Given that it currently looks like all of Volume 9 will take place in the Ever After, I'll be glad if there's a connection back to the main plot. The group can't just have a useless side mission for a whole Volume, especially given how long fans have waited for this one. There's got to be a power up, a meeting with the Gods, a revelation over how to fight Salem, something to make this journey worthwhile, especially if, as established, RWBY keeps shying away from the character work. Finding their third Relic would certainly accomplish that. On the other hand though, I've never been particularly enthusiastic about the macguffin hunt and, more pressingly, finding the Relic here would spark a lot of questions about its hiding place. Personally, I'm afraid that if they find the Relic it's going to be another, "How dare Ozpin not tell us all this!" situation when they get back, ignoring things like how Ruby did ask about the Crown and was content with an ambiguous answer, Ambrosius wasn't exactly subtle about the danger they were in if they fell, how at this point they all KNOW the risk attached to giving out information willy-nilly, but still seem to believe they're entitled to all of it by default... I mean, I know we just had Ozpin's whole forgiveness scene (ugh), but at this point I really don't trust the show not to drag it all back if it functions as a convenient way to absolve the girls and hand-wave away any consistency quesitons. So while I don't really want a Wonderland trip that doesn't amount to anything, I'm of afraid of how RWBY will treat the idea of the group unexpectedly finding the Crown and the implication that Ozpin hid it in the place where the group will presumably have a real bad time...

#rwde #rwby #mymetas

[fullmoondagger]

Thinking about my HS science teacher bc of that ADHD post Its still honestly so wild to me how fucking unwilling to understand me she was...

I have some trauma around math. It's hard to distressing to me to interact with numbers because of teachers and my father being unable to explain to me and getting mad & screaming for the latter and leaving me to rot for the others, so now my reaction to seeing numbers is simply blanked out I will not do math on my own, seeing it makes me anxious and upset. Also might have slight discalculia that must have played into me being bad at math in the first place. Whatever.

Taking this into consideration I chose studies that did not have maths taught as a subject, with a lower level in everything else to go easy on myself, didnt turn out as I had planned but thats not the subject of the post.

Science teacher! I kinda like science, I was a little excited to have another teacher for the last year or so but like I was not doing well because again, math, and I don't do homework because I spent all my free time trying to recover from my days and I have better shit to do anyways which (rightfully) annoyed her but like. One day at the end of class she was like ohhh how are you doing so bad you have so much potential which instantly triggered my bite bite kill destroy instinct so I calmly explained to her that I could barely get two consecutive hours of sleep at night, that school was eating me alive and I barely had my head out of the water, that I had undiagnosed untreated ADHD and it was hard for me to do anything and that I was bad at math to begin with! I went serious and honest because sometimes you gotta, yknow. She brushed it off and went but youre so smart you can be good at this ! I KNOW you can do it! To which I replied this was simply crippling me more with anxiety and the certainty I will not archieve it because I was already doing my best and therefore disappoint her. Which I didnt care to please her at all for starters I dont want to be here.

Still I tried! I tried to read up my lessons and prepare for the next test, and I was pretty confident I had done a better job ! And I DID. I got a 13/20 instead of my usual 3-7/20 (for those with diff grading systems 0/20 is bad and 20/20 is good)

Needless to say I was happy ! I practically doubled my average results . Handing me my paper she said in front of EVERYONE in the class that "You could have done better and frankly with a test like this it looks like you're making fun of me". 💀💀💀 I got so pissed as you can imagine! Imagine saying that to a student after you have been exlicitly told about their situation.

At the end of the class I came to her desk and told her she had been really hurtful because I actually tried and studied for that test and I actually did impossibly better than usual, AS SHE WOULD KNOW, and that it was just rude to say that in front of everyone. She went on again about my potential and I told her to stop making up a fake image of myself in her mind because that's not the truth and I will never be it but again she didnt give a shit.

She went personal with me at the teacher council (I was attending bc I was elected for it to take notes for my classmates n bring up issues) and went on again about my potential so I got mad at her after that night I simply stopped going to science class altogether. Fuck that bitch lol. You wanna see me fail I'll show you fail.

Moral of the story evil teachers wont give a shit about you. Fuck em. Preserve yourself before anything else & also maybe dont listen to my advice school years were immensely damaging for me and I will have no positive or intelligent thoughts about it ever. Idk what the point of this post was but I think seeing shit abt wasted potential made me go rabid

#dagger.txt #long post #personal #feel free to rb idc

[the-art-in-arthesia-is-loud]

incorrect quotes or whatever

ermmmmm WhaATTTTTTT........ :////// /j

also for some reason it's mostly trojan....and tempo......oh boy lol

———

Technicolour: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.

~

Destonio: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Destonio: *punches wall*

Destonio:

Destonio: Take me to the hospital.

~

Fate: If you can’t beat them, dress better than them

~

Tempo: You’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens, but I made a mistake.

~

Spinel: So apparently the 'bad vibes' I’ve been feeling are actually severe psychological distress

~

Galactic: Fool me once, I’m gonna kill you

~

Destonio: Fuck.

Ars: We've got to work on your cursing.

Destonio: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.

~

Galactic: I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.

Trojan: It’s not a joke.

Trojan: *sniffles*

Trojan: I’m a legit snack.

~

Pupa: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

Pamolia: You and me!!!

Pupa, tearing up: Okay.

~

Trojan: Must be hard not being able to laugh

Tempo: I do have a sense of humor you know

Trojan: I’ve never heard you laugh before

Tempo: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

~

Tempo: Trojan...

Trojan: Oh no, 'Trojan' in b-flat.

Trojan: You're disappointed.

~

Dark Ars: Someone will die.

Ars: Of fun!

~

Trojan: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Shifta: Subject Trojan, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

~

Tempo: Trojan, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power!

Trojan: Well of course I have.

Trojan: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

Trojan: It's boring.

~

Tempo, addressing the squad: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.

Satellite: But – that’s just a trash can.

Tempo: It sure is!

~

Aleph: So are we flirting right now?

Pupa: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU

Aleph: That doesn’t answer my question

~

Trojan: You're right.

Tempo: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

~

Fate: I made tea.

Tessi: I don’t want tea.

Fate: I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.

Tessi: Then why are you telling me?

Fate: It is a conversation starter.

Tessi: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Fate: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

~

Trojan: You love me, right, Tempo?

Tempo: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

~

Tempo: Is something burning?

Trojan: Just my love for you.

Tempo: Trojan, the toaster is on fire.

~

Spinel, trying to cheer the group up: Things could be worse, you know!

Galactic: How?

Spinel: How what?

Galactic: How could they be worse?

Spinel: They couldn’t, I lied.

Galactic:

~

Pupa: I prevented a murder today.

Pamolia: Really? How’d you do that?

Pupa: self control.

~

Destonio: I’m going to take you out

Technicolour: great, it’s a date!

Destonio: I meant that as a threat.

Technicolour: See you at five!

~

Destonio: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.

Fate: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!?

Destonio: No! Four to five seconds!

Fate: Too late!!!

~

Abstruse: *Gets down on one knee*

Arghena: Oh my god, it’s finally happening.

Abstruse: *Falls over*

Arghena: The poison is kicking in.

~

Tempo: Trojan... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?

Trojan: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.

Tempo:

Tempo: I wrote sanitize, Trojan.

~

Trojan: What’s up guys? I’m back.

Lucas: What the- you can’t be here. You’re dead. I literally saw you die.

Trojan: Death is a social construct.

~

Tempo: Terabyte, keep an eye on Trojan today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Terabyte: Sure, I’d love to see Trojan get punched.

Tempo: Try again.

Terabyte, sighing: I will stop Trojan from getting punched.

~

Ars: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Ana?

Ana: … No.

Lucas: I do!

Ars: I know, Lucas.

Lucas: I’m sad!

Ars: I know, Lucas.

~

Trojan: How's the sexiest person here~?

Tempo: I don't know, how are they~?

Trojan, flustered: I-

Terabyte, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!

~

Ars: Lucas and I are having a baby.

Abstruse: That's gre-

Ars, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

~

Galactic, in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Spinel, in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you’re staying home and having my kids

Satellite: what the fuck are you guys doing?

Galactic: playing systemic oppression

~

Tempo: We need a distraction.

Shifta: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Trojan, whispering: My time has come

~

Ars: Lucas, what do IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?

Lucas: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later

Ars: Ok, I love you too, I’ll just ask Aresi.

~

Ars: You have to apologize to Alxaid

Destonio: Fine.

Destonio: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

~

Moonlight: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?

Ad Astra: *turning to Fate* How tall are you?

~

Technicolour: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it

Primeval: Just rip the bandage off.

Technicolour: It’s Destonio.

Primeval: Put the bandage back on.

~

Pupa: HELP! I TOLD PAMOLIA I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!

Spinel, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

~

Terabyte, whispering to Logos, who’s on the phone with Eimi: Ask them something!

Logos: How are you feeling?

Eimi: Fine.

Terabyte: Something personal!

Logos: At what age did you first get your period?

~

Tempo: While I’m gone, Trojan, you’re in charge.

Trojan: Yes!!!

Tempo, whispering: Shifta, you’re secretly in charge.

Shifta: Obviously.

~

Abstruse: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Eimi: Not if they consent to it.

Pupa: Depends who you’re stabbing.

Ars: YES?!?

~

Fate: I just ended a four year relationship.

Hikaru: Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?

Fate: Hm? Oh yeah, I’m fine. It wasn’t my relationship.

*Destonio crying over Lumine on the edge of a cliff.*

~

Primeval: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Logos: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Technicolour: I got distracted about halfway through.

Eimi: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

~

Trojan: *Screams*

Ana: *Screams louder to establish dominance*

Ars: Should we do something?

Lucas: No, I want to see who wins.

~

Tempo, about Pamolia: Apparently we’re getting someone new in the group.

Trojan: Are we stealing them?

Terabyte: New or used?

Tempo: Wonderful responses, both of you.

~

Aleph: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them. Suggestions?

Destonio: Put spaghetti in it.

Aleph: I'm currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you.

Pupa: Put spaghetti in it.

Aleph: I'm currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.

Pamolia: Put spaghetti in it.

Aleph: I'm no longer taking suggestions.

~

Ars: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Lucas: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Ars: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING ABSTRUSE WITH ME

Ana, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

~

Trojan: I think we're missing something.

Galactic: Teamwork?

Shifta: Cohesion?

Tempo: A general sense of what we’re doing?

~

Ars: Why are Fate and Destonio sitting with their backs to each other?

Ad Astra: They had a fight.

Ars: Then why are they holding hands?

Ad Astra: They get sad when they fight.

———

okay okay thats all ehehehehe

#arthesias shit (other blog edition) #arthesias ocs #I AM NOT TAGGING EVERYONE HERE THE LAZINESS HIT ME TOO HARD #original character #original characters #oc #ocs #incorrect quotes #incorrect quote #rgverse: misc

[larkawolfgirl]

5, 20, 22, and 72 for the fic writing meme!

5. How many wips do you have? What fandoms/pairings are they for?

I have 5 that I have worked on recently.

-KKM- Conrad having at least a one-night stand with Adalbert and Julia (maybe more). (This is sitting as a wip because every time I think about writing the smut, I don’t write it lol).

-KKM- Murata courting Wolfram.

-KKM- A messed up situation where Yuuri and Wolfram both cheat on each other with Murata.

-Tales of Xillia 2- Julius and Ludger reincarnated.

-Stranger Things- Mike comes to terms with the fact that he likes Will but doesn’t want to break up with El.

I have 3 older ones, and 2 really old ones that I haven’t worked on in over a year but I still plan to finish at some point. I have a bunch of other random started things buried in my google docs and years-old bits and pieces saved on my external hard drive. Plus numerous other ideas living inside my head.

20. Do you prefer writing AUs or canon fics?

I prefer writing canon or canon-divergent fics. I enjoy reading certain aus, but whenever I think about writing a detective au or something I just think that if I was going to write something like that I might as well just write an original story with the same idea.

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process?  How do you come up with titles?

I usually title my fics after. If I think about the fic enough before writing that I know the entire plot, then I can sometimes come up with the title first. I try to make my titles meaningful to the point of the fic. If I can use a title that does that and is relatable to the fandom, then even better. For example, I named "It's Hard to Let it Go" after the lyrics in Simple and Clean.

Usually, I first try to think of what the main theme or mood of the fic is. Then I try to think of saying or general phrases related to that. If I can't think of anything, then I try to think of song lyrics. I also sometimes just take a phrase from the fic to use as the title.

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?

This comment on my Nier Automata fic Suffocation. They quoted my lines, showed that I gave them emotions, complimented my writing style, and even gave me nice constructive criticism.

OKAY I AM HERE FROM TUMBLR AS PROMISED IN MY TAGS ON THE REBLOG (IDK IF YOU READ TAGS BUT YEAH HERE I AM)

FIRST OF ALL; "He never knew what hit him, eyes still smiling." THAT LINE. That was /really/ well-executed. The way you structured the entire opening passage did a great job building up towards the fact that 2B was going to fall in love. And you dropped all these small things, taking the canon and using it like ammunition for the angst. It's good. Reeeeally good.

SECOND, "No, I called you Nines." THAT WAS LIKE A KNIFE IN THE CHEST. And then you followed it immediately with her telling him they're not friends. Your word choice for the dialogue through this bit was fantastic, and I pretty much read their lines in their voices. You really nailed 2B's distress and bottled up emotions to the reader throughout the piece, and you did it with relatively sparse wording! You showed instead of told and it /really/ worked here.

MOVING ON; "Desperation spurred her on until they were writhing together on her narrow bunk. I love you. I love you. The words spilled from her mouth." I'll be honest, this entire fic was making my chest tight with sadness but it was this part that really stood out to me as breathtakingly tragic. It's written with such a beautiful flow. The staccatos of "I love you. I love you." immediately following that longer sentence really worked for me. Also, the fact that it was her desperation and /sadness/ that drove her to bring him to bed with her again.. It made them sleeping together feel bitter rather than joyously intimate like it would be were their situation different. Lastly for this bit (and sorry for fixating on it but it's such a GREAT line), you managed to describe the act of them having sex as something almost ethereal and intangible rather than something animalistic and crude. It didn't feel at any point like I was reading something lewd; rather, it gave me an artistic mental image, almost like a painting.

NEXT, THE BREATH PLAY PART WHEW BUDDY THAT WAS LIKE MEGA OUCH. And, re: your A/N at the bottom, I believe I read somewhere in supplementary materials that 9S regarded the strangling as being intimate in a sick sort of way, like he was closer to her than ever. So, it might actually be realistic that he would enjoy/ask for breath play. Just a thought! In terms of the actual events there, wheeeeeewwwwww. "Phantom chills crept along his neck and for a moment she missed the thrum of his heartbeat." and then, later, "Without a word, she fled." Those were two very masterfully placed lines. Again, you made the act of having sex (which is sweaty and messy and altogether indecent) into something that felt like a poem. And then you said everything you needed to about how 2B was feeling in that short, five-word paragraph. It's really great stuff.

Lastly, and I'm sorry if this comes off as unkind in any way, but I do have a little bit of concrit for you. Only a little though, since most of this was REALLY solid.

-For your last line, one more repetition of "And again." would have left it on a somewhat more powerful note, I think. That's just my opinion though. :o

-"When the order came, she realized fondness had settled in her chest without her realizing." You used the word "realize" here twice and it did stick out. Perhaps something like "...she realized fondness had settled in her chest without her noticing" or if you don't mind a slightly bigger change, "...she realized fondness had grown in her chest unnoticed." (I find that 'unnoticed' tends to be a bit smoother a word choice than 'without her noticing,' but leaving the verb as 'settled' makes it sound a bit clunky there, in my opinion)

-"...one day he punched her right in the gut by asking..." This fragment feels out-of-place in terms of the word choice. Most the words you use are smooth and vivid; putting slang idioms like "punched in the gut" feels sort of like breaking the language palette you chose, if that makes sense?

Again, I don't mean to come off as unkind! The piece is fantastic and you maintained a rhythmic flow throughout most of it that wove despair and love together quite beautifully. I hope you keep writing!

#mcalhenwrites #ask meme

[silvanoir]

Watch a Messed-up Movie

Can't concentrate on anything else, so I've been watching movies in my free time. Mostly messed-up or weird. Some quick reviews (spoilerly?)

Everything Everywhere All At Once- Gets point for creativity (doing much more for the multiverse than superheros are) and underlying message of a family trying to re-connect. But. Too much hotdog-finger nonsense. Too much. Also, she was still criticizing her daughter after everything and I felt like they are in a "Ladybird" situation (a movie I've only seen trailers for) , you know the scene of "I know you love me (as a daughter) but do you LIKE ME AS A PERSON?" which is well.... a struggle I had with my own mom. Which I'll never know the answer to (even tried asking directly when she was alive, she wouldn't answer me directly).

Bones and All- Might've been a nice love story if not for the compulsive cannibalism lol. Which is never explained. But the inbetween parts, two 18-yr-olds traveling of the emptiness of middle America, the music choice.... not enough movies let there be emptiness these days. If your theme is difficulty connecting with people, emptiness is key. and this does that well. But again, not for everyone, because people get eaten. Graphically.

Snowpiercer- SPEAKING OF! I knew going in there would be talks of a baby getting eaten, but didn't know the circumstance. And thought for sure the poor kids from the beginning would end up as "steaks" for the rich, because.... how do you keep cows on a train???? That's not what happened to the kids.

The Love Witch- much more awkward nudity than I was expecting. And if they were going for a late 1960s vibe, they should have gone all the way. The modern cellphone and some of the cars ruin the effect a bit. Wanted to see it for the colors, liked the colors.

Suspiria- (the original) another movie I wanted to see for the colors and liked the colors. Fantastic set design. Liked that the main "damsel in distress" saved herself! Would've liked it more if it didn't have murder. Hear me out! think the plot could be better accomplished WITHOUT murder.... and lean more into witchcraft. If the witches are running this ballet school, and somehow torturing/killing students and workers gives them youth.... why not make it that they have spells that sap their youth/strength/beauty instead and give it to the witches? Wouldn't that make more sense? Then they coould shove those they drained out the door still alive. And no one would believe that an ugly old hag was a beautiful young ballerina only a few months ago.

Belle- (anime) Was hesitant because I though it was a musical but ended up liking the music. Very well animated and emotional but.... would've liked a more concrete resolution in regard to the 2 boys. That they get out of their situation. One girl standing up to their dad.... and then going back home and leaving them to it... when the authorities made it clear they weren't going to do anything.... ehhhhhhh.... not great.

#movies #silvanoir reviews

[finex7]

do you like me, do you not like me. do I like you, do I not like you. what are we? what are we... my friend says we're like 12-year-olds. my other friends say I'm too good for you. you say you're worried that I'll kill myself. I don't know what to do.

I do know what to do. get a fucking job. get busy. survive all of this.

I remember my old plan. I can't follow it anymore. you ruined it for me! you made me feel all guilty and bad about making you feel helpless and frustrated from trying to help me get better. now I can't just die because of your stupid feelings! why do you care?? what difference does it make to you whether I'm dead or alive... you're not my family, you've never even seen me.

why do you get so fucking worried. why does it hurt you so much. why are you so scared of it. it's me. it's my life, my death, my illness. my fault. why did you ever get attached to me... it got me attached to you. and now I can't just leave you... I feel responsible.

it's suffocating me. it feels like my heart is going to come out of my chest... if I didn't know better, I might confuse it for a heart attack.

you make me laugh, you make me cry, like no one else. I don't know how we found each other. this is too much. I am overwhelmed. you must be, too. choices, choices... I can't believe I have to make decisions for myself. how am I supposed to *choose* if I want to tie myself to you or never see you again. jesus. this is impossible.

and how dare you want to avoid me, to leave me alone in all of this. as if it's gonna go away on its own. this is so messy. I can't believe you didn't tell your therapist about this, I've thought about telling her myself. I'm not going to, because I imagine you'd find it very offensive. then again, you've spoken to my therapist before, hadn't you. I don't actually remember. maybe you never did. ah, I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I can sleep. my hair is stupid dirty. I was supposed to have washed it yesterday, or the day before... but nope. it's still fucking dirty. it's so cold, too. bitterly cold. I hate everything so much right now!

and I'm hungry, too. of course. I've barely eaten anything today! and I say I want to gain weight. my god. maybe I'm going to die of anorexia and just - lol, who am I kidding, that would take months.

I KNOW. you don't want me to die in a ditch. you hate that idea so much. why, though?? why are you soooo upset. why me? why did you get so attached to me and not someone else? what do you see in me.

a victim? a little girl? a damsel in distress? I suspect that you see yourself. I don't know how to ask you this. you always ignore all of my questions. you fucking thick head. and then you have the gall to say I'm the stubborn one. I was hard to argue with, but you're impossible. at least I used to talk to you...

or talk to myself at you. I'm sorry. those screenshots were painful to read, I'll tell you that. I could feel your pain through it, too. I just sounded so... well, batshit insane. why didn't you just give up on me?

maybe you did, or you tried to, and you keep trying, and I just won't let you go. I love you. I don't love you. I've never loved you. I've always loved you?

I don't know!

[ablednt]

Honestly though I really am in such a weird spot with my mental health that I know at least a few others are in where I have a grasp on systemhood and sharing my body strong enough that I am not going to do anything to seriously hurt it

But it's like if I were alone in here I know I would be very much high risk of shit like I don't hurt myself because it would hurt the people i love in a very physical sense and also because I would just have control taken from me by someone else I don't have a choice in the matter really.

But when I reassure everyone that I won't do anything drastic it sounds like I'm telling them I'm okay and that my mental health is doing alright and that would be a lie my mental health is really bad frankly and though I am in some ways in a better place than I was as a teenager when I didn't have the experience I do now in other ways I'm a lot worse.

It's frustrating like I tell people that suicide doesn't trigger me because it doesn't and they assume that it's because I don't struggle with suicidal ideation but really it's because it's a constant influence on me it's always in the back of my brain.

Just a lot of stuff like that? It's because of the way neurotypicals organize psychiatric help and how they define a crisis only as it effects others. Like yeah I sure am palatable to society I sure am non-threatening. I am also in a perpetual state of emotional crisis that makes me always feel a little too close to death for my own comfort though but like haha it's fine I'm not going to hurt myself and that's the only thing that matters to "pro recovery" people really/s

#suicide tw #self harm tw #like I wish I was worse sometimes that I could actually get real help #it's not like being openly suicidal would get me any help though when I tried to say hey my mental healths been bad lately #to the parents the dad threatened to tie me up in his room to 'stop me from hurting myself' #cause obviously everything can be solved with physical abuse/s and I told him if he even fucking touched me I'd report that shit #(like ACAB and truly ik the cops wouldn't do shit so tbh i probably wouldn't but it does work on him) but anyway normal day discussing #mental illness at my house it's like 'we tried gaslighting you into thinking you were neurotypical and that didn't work #so what if we threatened you would that make you normal lol' #honestly rationally I know it'll get better once I move out and that without the looming pressure of their presence everything feels So Easy #but I'm fucking terrified that I'll fall apart or lose my job (if I get it. not official yet but fingers crossed) or I'll just. break #I never learned to actually cope with anything I just learned how to act fine so my parents wouldn't hurt me #so now as an adult I'm like ??? a???? #id talk to the therapist I apparently just finally fucking got assigned to me about all this but you see #I am moving as soon as i find an apartment/get a job and am assuredly losing my insurance so #I'll have to start again entirely which is so frustrating #idek if a therapist will do any good for me to be real with y'all but I just. need someone I can fall apart around withou #*without causing them great distress #cause my friends really can't deal with this stuff I vent a lot to them I'm open about my issues but I don't ever want them to bear the #weight of it all they've got their own problems just as serious as mine 😔