You Promised || J.P
a/n - i’m in a bad mood so u can be 2 !
it’s not that you couldn’t believe it, because you could. you saw it with your own two eyes, you felt it in the way you hands shook and it felt like all the air was sucked from around you.
you thought it would be okay, you thought things would be fine. you should have known better, the universe was never that kind to you.
you wanted to laugh, even if it made you crazy, you felt like you’d seen it coming for months, for years.
you should have know it would happen now, in the midst of a war, on some saturday afternoon where you weren’t even suppose to be.
it always works that way doesn’t it? when the universe gives you james potter, but never really gives him to you.
it didn’t matter, maybe you were meant to be there. after months of being on a mission tracking a group of death eaters, it’s the first “get together” you could make it to.
in the middle of a war it is kind of hard to see the people you grew up with.
but you made it, beaten and bloody and mentally scared to a degree, with blood on your hands that you couldn’t tell was yours or your enemies.
you made it.
you couldn’t be sure what to expect. you were hoping everyone was still there, that everyone made it. it’d been a good 5 months, and so much could happen.
and so much did apparently happen.
you reckon it could be your fault, not keeping in touch. it’s not like you could, it probably would have gotten you killed, but you still figured maybe it would stop the sinking feeling in your chest now.
as you stood, hands shaking and tears in your eyes, not from happiness, but a mixture of relief and disbelief.
lily evans stood in front of you, a soft smile on her face was a hand rested on her stomach.
and james potter stood next to her, a smile he used to only reserve for you, spread widely on his face, his own arm wrapped around the obviously pregnant women.
it took the group a total of 50 seconds to realize you were standing there, and sirius was the first to rush up to you, wild grin on his face.
“y/n! you’re back!!!!” and he engulfed you in a hug, you weakly returned, half to be back in familiar, safe arms.
“i’m back.” and yet you couldn’t stop the voice crack, or the tears that still threatened to fall out.
if sirius noticed, he didn’t say anything, but his arms wrapped around you a bit tighter. as if he was holding you together, and at that point, maybe he was.
remus was there next, small smile and warm hands and a soft whisper of “i’m sorry”
as if the werewolf knew, and it wouldn’t be surprising if he did. he’s the only one who knew about you and james in the first place, and you reckon he’s the only one who really knew how these “missions” went down.
peter was there too, wrapping his arms around you and hugging tightly in a way only peter seemed to do, as if he thought he’d lose you within the next minute.
and for a moment things felt okay, things felt normal. you were home, you were alive, you were loved.
until they came along.
“y/n! we’re so glad your safe!” lily smiled, that wonderfully beautiful smile, she was practically glowing and though you were upset, no bone in your body could ever be mad at her.
you smiled, hugging her gently, minding the bump, “thank you lils”
“hey y/n, glad you’re back okay.” and there he was. still bright eyes, still soft smile that radiated all the stars in the universe.
you felt yourself melt, when he looked at you it felt like it was the only thing that mattered.
but it couldn’t matter anymore, not if the ring on lily’s finger was anything to go by.
“so, what did i miss?” you turned around, not bothering to hug the man, fearing you’d break down in more ways then one.
sirius perked up, puppy like, eager to spew everything you missed, and you listened intently, leaning back against remus on the sofa you both sat on.
“and evans and prongs are having a baby !!!”
yeah, that’s what you figured.
but sirius looked so happy, a light in his eyes you hadn’t seen since the news from regulus hit, and lily’s eyes were so warm and they deserved this, if anything else.
and a baby, a baby! that’s great, despite the way your breath caught in your throat, all the memories and kisses and whispers of praise and plans came flooding in. but you were good at acting, been going on for 6 months and counting, it’s hot so hard to lie once more.
“oh my!! that’s so wonderful! i’m so happy for you guys!” and a wide smile that nobody but maybe remus and peter saw through, and they were sold. case closed.
but james held your gaze, pain in his eyes as if he was the one hurting.
no, it wasn’t fair.
you excused yourself, looking for any reason to escape for 2 minutes. not hearing remus follow you out.
“it’s okay to want to punch him.” you heard from behind you, a voice so solid and real that you almost gasped out a cry.
(5 months alone does things that can’t just be undone.)
“i can’t just punch him moony.” you sighed, looking out towards the sunset, picking at the still dry blood on your hands.
you felt a hand on your back, so familiar you leaned into the werewolf and let a single tear fall from your eye.
because you wanted to punch him, you wanted to scream and yell and make him bleed the way you did for months while he was here fucking around with a redhead.
you wanted to make him hurt, you wanted to make his lungs close up and tears strain in his eyes, you wanted him to desperately claw at his throat and arms in hopes the pain would seep through his fingertips.
you wanted him to feel the earth unravel beneath him, to feel time stop ticking and all the color slowly fade from his view.
you wanted him to feel how you felt right now.
“he promised moony, he swore on his heart.” you brokenly whispered,no longer feeling your own heart beat in your chest, you wondered if it was even still there.
“and he broke it.” he whispered back, you could feel the tension in his shoulders and you smiled, remus was mad. remus was angry. remus probably knew from the moment he first saw the two together, he’d probably been waiting to knock james’ teeth in, and you would gladly let him.
no you wouldn’t, a voice whispered, and you wanted to yank your own lungs from your chest.
the voice was right.
because no matter how much pain he could cause, you still loves james potter.
you still thought about how his eyes shone in the moonlight, and how his hands fit almost perfectly in yours. for months you held onto the whispers and traced the same paths his fingertips once did.
and you loved him so much that you didn’t think twice leaving for the mission, to know james would be safe if you did your part, to know james would wait for you, like he promised.
and he always promised.
in 4th year when you had to go back home for summer, he smiled and held your hand, “we’ll be here for you when you get back.”
in 6th year when you were in the hospital wing, being transported to saint mugos, “i’ll do anything you need.”
when you graduated with tears in your eyes and stuttering breaths, “i’ll be right by your side.”
and when you took that mission, behind closed doors, breaths colliding and souls conjoined, he whispered, “ill wait for you.”
that’s the first promise he broke. maybe, maybe he broke more, but you didn’t want to think about it, couldn’t think about it by the voice that interrupted you.
“moony? can i talk to them?” you felt remus shake his head, but you stopped him.
“what do you want james?”
and remus didn’t leave, no he wouldn’t. unlike some people, he never did.
but you insisted, telling him it was fine even if it wasn’t, that it would only take a few minutes, yet it would take years to mend whatever james broke.
“i just wanted to-“
“if you’re here to say sorry save it, it would be a lie.” you cut off, looking back at your hands.
“y/n i just want you to know i’m glad you’re okay.” he whispered, the same way he used to in the room of requirement, or the latte nights in muggle towns, or sneaking into his kitchen at 4 am.
it didn’t matter anymore, he was with lily, it was fine. meant to be even. the way he looked at her, the way she looked at him. lily deserved this.
you sat in silence for a few minutes, but the tears were back and the wind was cold now. you couldn’t just sit and pretend you knew why he did it, you didn’t know. the way he looked at you before you left was everything you could ever hope for, like he was saying goodbye to his world. and maybe, he was.
“you promised james.” you whispered, dejected in every way, finally meeting his eyes, they were as beautiful as you remembered, but they weren’t yours to love anymore.
“and i broke it.” he looked out to the setting sun, it was gone now, leaving behind a darkness that wouldn’t fade until early morning.
the sun left, and soon, james turned away, and left too.
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