Day 77 06.02.20
You’re worth every mile between us.
When I close my eyes, I see your face, I hear your voice and I feel your arms wrapped securely around me. When I open my eyes I see an empty room without your smile to lighten it up. Missing you hurts. I ave to be in your arms and feel the vibrations in your chest when you laugh. I know the miles are long, far and wide. And it hurts to br far from you but I know journey our relationship needs to take before we are together is important. We will get through this together and I trust we will be stronger because of it.
Poem #66 LDR
Distance does not matter,
when two people love one another.
I don’t know about you,
but all i know is that,
I will be leaving;
I will be gone;
but my feelings for you,
will remain strong.
I can’t make you commit,
if you don’t want to.
I will just continue to hope,
that you want me too;
that you will fight for us too.
Cause i know,
that you are worth the distance;
You are worth more than all of it;
you are the distance and risk;
that i am willing to take.
When I made my decision to be away from you for a few months because of my exams, I had this weird ache in my heart, nights leading up to tell you I could not really sleep, and when I finally told you I had to struggle to keep an even tone.
Everything looked cherry and fine as I went about my day until the days of seeing you drew closer, god the wait, My whole body swelled from the night before and I couldn’t even focus on brushing my teeth that particular morning.I know that sounds silly, but just to know in a few hours I’ll be seeing you made me anxious and indescribably excited.
The days we spent together was just beautiful and intense as always, But the moment you hugged me and kissed me before you left, your scent clung to me and when I made my way back to my place, the tears just flowed, like a never-ending stream, blurring my vision and swelling my throat.
I thought then that was the most pain I am going to feel being away from you
Boy, was I wrong
Back in my room, folding your clothes after it had dried was difficult, every single piece of clothing I folded just made me choke on my tears, I refused to look at your things on the cabinet, instead choosing to place the clothes in the drawer as quick as possible.
My resolve of looking strong crashed the moment I found out we were going into lockdown and it was uncertain of when I will be able to see you again, that night was the most difficult, I couldn’t stop beating myself up over my decision of wanting to see you after my exams were done, to this day I feel like a fool for allowing those words to come out of my mouth.
It truly feels I am walking around like a zombie, drained and completely lifeless, everything seems painful and torturous. Back at home things were difficult, you know my meltdowns, but I never told you I cried myself to sleep most nights because I just wanted to feel you laying there, I wanted to hear you breathing in your sleep and most of all I just wanted to be able to hold you.
With every passing day, I struggled, I’ve forgotten your smell, I’ve forgotten how it feels like when you hold my hands, I don’t even remember how it feels like to kiss you anymore. The more I force myself to remember the less I am able to bring to memory and it pains me like nothing else.
My birthday was just as painful, hearing you on call that morning, you have no idea how much I held back from crying,To this day it still feels incomplete, every single day I feel the ache, I just ache to see you again so so much that it has completely consumed me.
You took everything I am when you left and now I am just a shell, waiting and waiting every single day praying I will be able to see you again, praying that you come and put me back together. Like you always do.
Slave me feels this parting the most, she is in so much pain ad agony it’s hard to even write without tears wetting the keypad. She feels like you have gone to actual war and she really has no idea of when she will be able to see you again, It pains her now and she regrets not resting by your feet when she had the chance. She regrets taking the fact she’ll you every single month for granted and most of all she regrets thinking she had the luxury of time. She just wants her Master and I hear her cries every day but I have nothing to offer as consolation only the fact that she can hear you on call and see you via video.
I have learned so much from these months,
- I won’t ever take for granted time we have
- I won’t make decisions rashly without consulting you first
And lastly, I will not prolong disagreements and make it difficult for you, I truly regret that behavior in January
It never dawned on me that I was going to be taught such a big life lesson in such a punishing way by nature.
I love you so very much and the fact you are always with me during these times is seriously the only reason I haven’t lost my marbles. Your patience knows no bounds so does your love and duty as My Master.
The room feels like a prison, every single place I look I see you, I miss you so so much more than I ever say, as I always tell you, it is painful, very very painful to the point it feels like my heart is bleeding,But, I would rather go through all this with you rather than doing it with anyone else.
You make every tear, every ounce of pain worth it Master
I miss you, more now than I did months ago, can’t even say I miss you without it bringing tears to my eyes. Thank you for everything you are doing for US, words will never justify how grateful and blessed I am.
I wait, anxiously for your return,
Day 75 05.31.20
The moon reminds me of you. So beautiful, so bright and so far, away.
My life was like a night sky when there are no stars and the moons light absent. Darkness! A darkness filled with uncertainty, low self esteem, zero confidence and a whole lot of sadness. I would love to say that all that has changed now but I would be lying to you. You are the spark of light in my life. You slowly but surely pull me out of my shell. You encourage me to do things that are impossible. You remind me that I’m worth fighting for. You make me feel safe and important. Distance means so little when I can feel your arms wrapped around me, protecting everytime I get bad. I can hear your voice reminding me that this too will pass everytime uncertainty tries to drown me. Thank you for being in my life. You have changed me for the better.
💕Distance can never stop me from loving you 💕
my baby sent me flowers from the trail today☀️
When im with you, whether it’s on call, text or face to face. Nothing else matters.
𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐄 𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍
Category: Idol Boyfriend!Taeyong
Song Recommendation: Kim Feel — Fallin’
Summary: It’s difficult not to feel the pain and loneliness when it comes to long distance in a relationship. And after weeks of bottling up, repressed feelings finally surface…
Genre: angst 🥀 + a lil bit of fluff ☁️ (because Lee Taeyong)
✎ for more imagines by yours truly, check out my masterlist
The soft sun rays peaking through your bedroom window dances along your exposed skin as it sends a warm tingling, rousing you to wake. Slowly, your eyelids squint open as your vision tries to adjust to the brightness. Your limbs begin to stretch from underneath the covers, bones occasionally cracking due to how stiff it is at the moment.
You return to a still position, laying motionless and quiet in bed. The sound of a rumbling motorcycle passing by perks your hearing senses as you tune in carefully to the outside world. Staring blankly above the white ceiling that looms above you, a thought hits you, jolting you up with wide eyes. Did I overslept?
With panic fingers, you reach a hand out to snatch your phone off the nightstand.
11:30am, it read with no missed call notifications. At this, you let out a sigh of relief and sink back in the coziness of your bed.
Glancing back down on the device again, your eyes linger with a sense of longing at your lockscreen. A pang of loneliness hits your chest as the photo of you and Taeyong grinning while in a liplock makes you crave for him.
His kisses that could either be gentle or rough on your lips, his soft and soothing touch against your skin that sends goosebumps to trail up your entire body, and lastly, his deep voice that will either whisper sweet nothings to your ear or make cute and random little noises.
The animal in your heart trashes wildly against your ribcage, squeezing your chest tightly that it hurts to physically breathe.
You missed Taeyong, terribly.
So much so that you suddenly find yourself weeping. Vision glossy and blur, cheeks staining wet with fresh tears that keep on rolling down.
Sitting up right, you quickly dab the tears away with the sleeves of Taeyong’s t-shirt you were sleeping in. His cologne and natural scent overwhelms you as you breakout into a big, fat shuddering sob.
Stop it, Y/N…
Mentally, you chastiste yourself while controlling the tears from brimming. Tucking your body into a tight ball, you try to suppress the flooding emotion.
You’ve cried enough.
Even though your mind tells you those words, your heart says otherwise. Trying to gather back your calm and composure, all of a sudden, your phone’s ringtone sets off. Casting a glance, you study the caller ID.
It’s an incoming FaceTime call from your boyfriend.
In an alarming state, you attempt to make your appearance look somewhat presentable in front of Taeyong. You only hope that the puffiness underneath your eyes would go unnoticed.
Taking in a deep breath, you let three more rings to go by before picking up the call with a brave smile on your face.
“Y/NNNN!” Your boyfriend’s cheery voice greets you happily, his face pixelating up on screen.
As always, you’re taken away by his handsomeness. The way his big, soft eyes contrast with his sharp, angular features. A beautiful smile graces his pink lips the moment he sees your face appearing on screen as well.
“Ah, there’s my beautiful girlfriend! What took you so long to pick up my call? Did you just wake up? I missed you, babe!” He rambles.
Excitement almost reaches his eyes but they turn into worry when he truly observes your features.
You are about to reply back but Taeyong immediately cuts to the chase. “Babe, are you alright? Why is your eyes so puffy and red? Tell me what happened, I’m here for you.”
The concern etches deeply in his voice makes you nervous. You didn’t want to tell him that you had cried for him again. Your eyes couldn’t even bear to look at Taeyong’s anxious expression that pleas for you to open up to him. He didn’t want you to be sad because that makes him miss you even more than he already is.
“Y/N… I know,” he takes in a deep breath before releasing, “I know that this distance between us is unbearable—me travelling and being on this US tour as we’re far apart. I desperately wish to fly out to you and be by your side, you know that right?”
You nod your head, unable to trust your voice right now.
“But tell me what’s on your mind… I will do anything to make you smile, babe.”
Let me be selfish and come home to me, you almost wanted to say but you’re quick to bite back your tongue to refrain those words from escaping.
“Look at me, please?” Taeyong’s voice brings you back to reality.
Slowly, your eyes train upwards as they finally meet with Taeyong’s through the screen. You desperately wish technology would advance so that you could go through the screen and be by his side.
“There’s my girl,” he praises, a smile tugging on his lips as he finally gets to properly look at you. “You look beautiful by the way.”
At that, blood rushes up to your cheeks as they burn a bright red. You did not expect him to compliment you despite your messy appearance.
“I’m not looking my best right now. My hair resembles like a bird’s nest!” you answer bashfully. One glance at yourself through the self-facing camera is enough to make you grimace.
“But you’re a cute bird’s nest,” he counters back, smirking at your beetroot face. “So tell me what’s wrong?”
You remained silence for a moment to gather your thoughts. There’s no point at lying about your true feelings to your boyfriend when he might already know the truth.
“I just…” you start, words fumbling, “I miss you, babe. So much.”
Taeyong’s expression softens at your words and he knows how difficult it is for you to handle this long distance. The way your lips pout and sad eyes staring through the screen makes him want to hug you in his embrace to remove the pain.
“I thought I would be fine today, but waking up this morning hit me hard,” you explain while choking back the tears. “I just want you back here soon…”
“I miss you so much too, Y/N. Everyday, not a single moment where I’m not thinking about you,” he admits truthfully. “Heck I even got so lost in thinking of you during yesterday’s show that I even forgot I’m on stage in front of a crowd! Doyoung was the one who had to snapped me back to reality when it was my turn to speak.”
You almost couldn’t believe that those words had came out from Taeyong’s mouth. In utter disbelief, you laughed at your boyfriend’s embarrassment.
You heard him gasps. “Are you laughing at me? You think it’s so funny, babe?” He asks in amusement.
“I’m glad my humiliation made you laugh then.”
Dying your laughter down, both of you gaze yearningly at each other, craving for one another’s touch right now.
“Wait for me a little more, okay?” Taeyong suddenly speaks. “I’ll be back soon before you know it! I’m counting down the days till we see each other again.”
An empty sigh releases from your lips. “Okay, I’ll eagerly wait for your return.”
“That’s my girl.” He grins widely at you, feeling relieved as a weight lifts off from his shoulders. “Alright, well I need to sleep. It’s getting late here and we have a long travel tomorrow. We’ll talk again soon.”
The two of you exchanged goodbyes and virtual kisses before ending the call. Despite the call time being so short, deep down you feel peacefully content because you know that Taeyong is going to come back home soon.
Laying in bed for a couple more minutes, you log into Twitter to search for updates from yesterday’s US show. A timeline full of videos but one tweet catches your attention the most. From a Taeyong stan account, you click on the video she filmed and watch.
Loud cheers and screams erupted from your phone as you watch the shaky video. Jaehyun is speaking, telling the fans how much he and the members have put in for today’s performance. Then, he passed on for the next member to speak which turns out to be Taeyong.
Your heart anticipates for him, eyes glued to the screen as you watch Taeyong looking far off the crowd with a thoughtful look. The camera zooms onto him as the members try to call out his name. Fans immediately laugh the moment Doyoung steps in front of him to get his attention.
“Yah, hyung! Are you hypnotised or something? We’re still in the middle of our ment and it’s your turn to speak,” Doyoung pointed out and the members erupted into laughters when Taeyong finally snaps out of his trance.
“H-huh?” Asked a bewildered Taeyong as his eyes grew big while glancing around at his members. “Hypnotised? What?”
“Nah, I think Taeyong is thinking deeply and passionately about his words, isn’t that right?” Yuta teased as he placed his arms around Taeyong’s shoulders. “Everyone, let’s give a round of applause for our leader!”
The video ended with a sheepish Taeyong who became all shy and trying to defend himself with made up excuses that causes everyone into fits of laughter.
Oh, Taeyong-ah… I miss you so much, but we’ll see each other soon.
I can’t help but feel like a piece of my life is missing without you
Separate by distance means realistically I should only be missing a few typed words or late night conversations plagued by the static of lost reception
Going forward feels like setting foot into a void though, full of mystery and doubt.
It does not inspire curiosity or a sense to explore. It invokes a since of loss. As if I’m a cracked tea cup.
Constantly trying to be filled but missing a crucial piece.
Time stops and I’m halted by the thoughts of a future without you.
A future that we do not share. A future were you continue on and yet I am frozen.
Frozen in that void thinking how 400 miles apart and you still managed cause a ripple across my life.
I’ll continue to be here thinking a few typed words and conversations through lost reception
So I’ve been thinking…
And I’ve finally made myself to write this post and ask all of you
Is there someone who needs to talk, share life difficulties, maybe is in a long distance relationship, gay relationship etc. and would want someone to talk to? I myself am going through a bit of a rough time so if there is someone, please message me? Idk 🙈
This post is shit and I’m turning 28 on Saturday so I guess I’m kind of old for tumblr? 🤷♀️
Day 70 05.26.20
Any day spent with you is my favorite day.
When we are together, the concept of time disappears. Hours feels like minutes. And no matter how much time passes, it never feels enough. Calls end too soon. Dates come to an end faster than I’m ready to say goodbye. And Farewell feels like someone is ripping my heart right out of my chest. But I remember every moment we spend together and cherish them like priceless memories because that’s exactly what they are!
I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but talk to your partner. That thing you’ve been thinking about that’s been hurting you,stressing you out, making you sad. Talk about it with them it really is better than keeping it in.
Day 69 05.25.20
You make me smile despite the miles.
For each and every moment. Every second I exist. I live and breathe for you. You are in my daily prayer for times when you’re not with me. When I close my eyes you’re there. For each and every moment I am always thinking of you and of the things I’d miss. For every smile turned to laughter. No other could take your place.
We have officially started wedding planning!!!
We got engaged in Como Park last December after going around my favourite zoo and hopefully future work place as a zoo keeper. Now we’re planning the wedding for June 2021 at Como Zoo!!
This is definitely helping us get through being apart when I’m booked to be flying over in 3 weeks and unsure if I’ll be allowed to go.
It’s just going to be a small intimate wedding with our close family and I want to grab our photographer during the reception and get some pictures feeding the giraffe like this shot of this gorgeous couple from their website!! We’re also going to have a sloth join us in the reception!
I’m beyond excited to be planning the perfect day with the love of my life. Praying I can get over there soon so I can go dress shopping with his mum and sister! ❤️
I love to walk by your side, I love to take your hand when we go somewhere. When I look into your eyes I realize that you love me and you show it in your words, in your smiles, in the way you share your life with me, in the way we share every day, in the way we plan the future, in every detail that passes in front of my eyes.
I have no words to describe what I feel when I see you, you are sincerely a very special person for me. You came to take care of me, to make me happy, second after second. I love you, you are the most beautiful thing I have had at my side, and that is why I always try to protect you, take care of you, love you, and make you happy as happy as I can.
if i could have anyone in the world, it would still be you.
“I cant wait to wake up next to you, to kiss you awake, listening to the rain pittering against the window”
- dreams I’ve had
Day 68 05.24.20
I think I’ll miss you for a really long time. No matter how easily distracted I am, I think I will always find a split second to think of you.
You have been a constant thought in my mind. It feels like you reside in my thoughts and I don’t think I can explain to you what a comfortable feeling that is. And when I have to focus on other things like school or work, I find myself distracted towards thoughts of you. I think about your eyes and how warm they feel gazing at me. I think about your hair and how smooth it looks. I think about the beautiful smile on your soft lips. I think about your arms and how they securely wrap around me. I think about your sweet, genuine compliments and I think about how the silly things I say make you worry. It’s a wonderful feeling to have someone who cares about me 100%