#long fucking rant but ive been holding this in for years

[illogicalghost]

.

#big gender rant ahead i just need to write down my thoughts #personal #so i think im a he/him trans lesbian?? #i think ive been denying my feminine side for a long time now but middle school me was right. well. half right #idk why id built up some weird barrier in my mind about being trans and being a lesbian #but now im like more sure than ever #i still dont know if i could call myself a woman. and i thought i was so adamant about not using she/her again but it honestly? #doesn't bother me that much anymore. its not my preference but its not as soul crushing as it used to be #i have these weird subliminal gender rules for myself that ive been beating myself down with even though i #understand that theyre fake and dont hold anyone else to them. so why have a double standard? cant i have a fun gender? #ever since high school its been an uphill battle just letting myself live freely and having self confidence #i just turned 24. i dont have to be beholden to stupid hormonal teenage self loathing anymore #the world is a beautiful place and gender is just made up anyway. so why cant i be trans and butch? who cares?? #i think i worded it well in my last personal post. ive been living a gender of convenience #but fuck that! i want the gender that makes sense to me! that makes me happy! its my life and i should live it how i want to! #...i still have some regrets about my top surgery. i wish i wasnt so weirdly flat chested now. #but hopefully the fat will redistribute eventually and itll look more natural as the years go on.. #but i definitely dont regret going on T. i love my deep voice and my body hair #anyway if you've read this far thanks for listening to my mad ramblings #and dont forget you can have a fun gender too!

[aliceyed]

Perfect

summary: after a shitty date you cry about it to your bestfriend, beomgyu.

warnings: kissing, cursing, horny ass dude.

pairing: bestfriend!beomgyu x fem!reader

genre: bestfriends to lovers

"how do I look?" you said while walking out of the bathroom.

beomgyu who was lying on your bed looked up from his phone, "eh, you look fine."

you rolled your eyes, "you said that about the last 4 outfits can you please help me choose the perfect one." walking over to your vanity table you attempted to fix your hair a little when beomgyu walked over to you tucking stray strands of hair behind you ear.

"okok, im sorry. you looked stunning in all of the outfits, i think even if you wore a trash bag to your date you would look gorgeous."

your stomach did something weird, it always happened when you hung out with beomgyu. you know you probably had feelings for him but there was no chance he liked you back, besides he said he only saw you as a sister. so to cope with this you tried to take your mind off him by going on dates with random guys (really stupid coping mechanism).

coming back to reality you slapped his arm, "stop lying to me."

laughing a bit he replied, "im really not lying, but i think you should go with this outfit." picking up your phone you see your date texted you saying he was already at your door to pick you up. quickly grabbing your bag you rush to your door and compose yourself before opening the door.

your date who shall not be named (im lazy to think of a name), looks you up and down, "looking good babe, ready to go?"

you felt slightly uncomfortable but tried to smile and nod your head.

basically long story short, the date was horrible. you went to a nice restaurant, where your self absorbed date was practically throwing himself at you the whole time trying to kiss you. he just made you feel really uncomfortable the whole time and to top it all off he forgot to bring his wallet and you ended up paying for the whole date. you just wanted to get home.

when the both of you got in his car he put his hand on your thigh, "wanna go back to my place?" at this point you were so done, "what the fuck is wrong with you!" you shouted and ran out of his car and straight to a bathroom and cried it all out. you called beomgyu to come pick you up and from hearning your choked up voice he ran faster than ever to come get you. after calling you to let you know he was outside, you ran out and hugged him tightly.

beomgyu didn't care that your tears were staining his shirt, he hugged you back just as tight softly rubbing your back. seeing you like this after so many dates broke his heart, he couldn't stand to see you like this anymore.

driving you back to your place, he prepared your favourite snacks and your favourite movie to try and lighten your spirits while you changed into more comfortable clothes. when you got out you saw beomgyu in your living room selecting the movie and patting the seat beside him. you still weren't over your awful date and could feel tears threatening to spill out at any time and just started ranting about it all to beomgyu.

"yn why do you do this to yourself? why do you always go out with these jerks and make yourself miserable, i hate seeing you like this."

"you wanna know why beomgyu?" you were going to regret this confession but you couldnt hold in your feelings anymore. "i like you gyu, ive liked you for such a long time but 2 years ago i heard you say you only thought of me as some sort of a sister, and that broke my heart. to try and get over it i started dating these jerks. i really like you and it hurts that youll never feel the same way." tears starting pouring out of your eyes uncontrollably as you quickly try to wipe them away with the back of your hand.

beomgyu was dumbfounded, after all this time because of his stupidity hes been hurting you all these years. he pulled you close to him, holding your face gently and wiping away the tears with his thumbs and embraced you, calming you down.

"yn, ive always liked you too... I was just always scared you wouldn't like me back so i would tell my friends i saw you as a sister even though i liked- heck loved you for so long. it would hurt me to see you go out with so many guys and never asked me once."

it was now

your turn to be dumbfounded, did he really like you back? "please dont tell me this is a joke," you sniffled back a tear. "do i look like im joking?" he held your chin softly and brought your face close to his. you heart was beating a million miles an hour, was this really happening?

he looked into your eyes for any sign of discomfort before leaning in to close the gap between your lips. the kiss was slow and gentle and you loved every second of it. after pulling away you both couldnt help but laugh at the situation, 2 idiots in love for so long but unaware.

you 2 spent the rest of the night cuddling and watching the movie then falling asleep on the couch, the perfect ending for the not so perfect night.

#txt #txt x y/n #txt x you #txt x reader #txt fluff #beomgyu x reader #beomgyu x y/n #beomgyu x you #txt fic #txt fanfic #txt angst

[stitchwraith-stingers]

long ass rant about AI under cut that i made in like half an hour because i am so fucking pissed

i hate AI so fucking much i cant handle it i hate how my sister introduced it to mom and dad and now they use chatgpt and dont even consider how it might be wrong at all, they write it in my notebook that i use to give to the teacher and i hate it so much 'oh but you never look at it' and i never wanna hear anything about it ever again, no more of it, i dont care it should only be used as a TOOL to give you guidence, my sister was about to ask chatgpt for what to do for PYTHON when she could have asked "sorry buddy i cant understand python code"

ai does more damange and im so mad, i dont care if you use it for memes you are adding more fuel to the fire, the text can replace any writer for news outlets, reporters and the such, people generating art dont understand the struggles someone might have faced through the years to get where they are right now and only see it was a way to generate content

when i say 'ai will never be good as real people' im not saying how it will never be unidentifiable, there will be a time where you cannot tell if something is real or fake, when i say it i mean it that you wont ever replicate the way the person stood there, the photographer that managed to get as close as they could to the animal to snap a clip of it, the actors who have spent years practicing to get where they art, the young artist who started off small and is now handling how to draw their fave characters, the expirienced artist trying to get through work by being paid nothing from animators to manga artists, the writer who managed to finally write their own autobiograpthy from their own expirience, the fanfic writer who finally managed to get the story they wanted onto ao3 after months of writing, the painter who stood there for hours sitting in one place in nature just so they can repilcate it, the camara man who had to shoot a 1 minute clip for a film that probably took days to find the right shots, the person who writes articles trying to get the most information they could, the person who sat in a discord call with their friends to mimic some characters in a funny situation, the voice actor who trained their vocal cords to try to give the most emtion they could in a character, the 3d moddler who spent a very long time getting a hold of blender, the animator who spent 6 months on a 1 minute clip, etc

its all just soulless, yeah its pretty cool but you gotta stop and think "how will this effect the information we will get?" my mom has already fallen for a AI picture of a kid with alot of cats and sent me it, pinterest is full of them, my sister ONLY uses it and never does research on her own collage work and shes 1 year away from fully graduating, not once have i seen her put it down for a second to look up something to copy and paste all they do is scrape the work off others, they dont tell us where they got that data off, every ai image youve seen has been ripped off from an actual picture taken, from a drawing someone took to draw, someones selfie

not to mention, considering yesterday as of writing this it has been announced, what is the purpose of being able to generate an animation? i can see nothing good of it "but i can use it to get a good stockphoto" it doesnt matter, go find something thats the closest, the problem with these AI videos is that in one year it has changed so drastically, where do they get the data off this? how did they train it so fast in one year? were living in a distopian age, the age of the internet where it was the place where you can get allll your information quickly is becoming the past, ive seen countless articles who are obviously AI generated, ive heard people say that theyve seen ai generated images in scientific books, those are very important to get an understanding of how the thing theyre talking about works, why would you ever want to cut corners on something as important as that

"but i cant draw / do photography / find a good stockvideo" then LEARN!

1. drawing is for everyone and even after drawing since kindergarden i still consider myself a beginner artist, i dont know alot about anatomy, i dont know how to draw scenery, but thats ok because i can learn! i can get inspired by other artists to try and get better, ive had some rocky relationships with my art even now but thats also the beauty of it, even when you feel like you cant do it in afew years you can finally learn to!, ive seen many disabled people post about how they learnt to draw using a tecique they made themselves, you can go and think 'how do i make this more enjoyable for myself, how do i make this easier for myself?", same should go for writing

2. YOU CAN HIRE SOMEONE!!!! it may take awhile because of it taking time but it would make the persons day, and the way the economy is going its not working well

remember saga-afta? the whole thing where actors striked because of how little they were being payed for? and in the end the actor studio said "oh ok i guess BUT we will scan your body to use you even after you quit xD sorryyyy", alot of jobs are going to dissapear only because of the greed companies have, its the reason i fear having a job, not even artists like im mostly talking about, writers (script, normal writers, journalists, etc), photograpthers, and other jobs are going to dissapear not to mention not only misinformation the mentioned AI videos are just a bad idea all around what if someone fabricates evidence against you and uses it in court? well its certainly you theres no way it could be faked, what about propaganda? ive seen them make fake gameplay footage so ads are going to be unbearable

JUST TO BE CLEAR: im not against AI being used as a tool (ive seen a really good malwere horror video based off someones dream using photos from a game, getting an idea of how a paper should start and using it as an guide of where to go, etc) or actually being used to stop some other jobs people shouldnt have, but creativity is going down the drain, AI bros who use it for art and photos think about how pretty it should be, AI writers only use it because they couldnt be bothered, and probably other excamples i cant think of

i know AI will never truely dissapear, its not going anywhere and thats the reality, its not like nfts where they lot their value and everyone stopped caring, what should be reality is that there should be regulations, its going to be long enough untill someone uses it for more malicious stuff, yeah right now its people just spreading misinformation and ai generated articles but there is 100% going to be a time where someone is going to use it for revenge porn or to harrass someone with fake clips of them

pro ai as in ai that can detect cancer cells, anti ai as in videos, writing, etc

artists will never dissapear, photograpthers will never dissapear, writers will never dissapear, actors will never dissapear, voice acors will never dissapear it will only die if we dont give our voices, and theres more good then bad in AI

it needs to be regulated heavily

ill be sad that kids my age wont try to frankenstien a project using 5 different scorces and copy and pasting, theyll just grab the full text and wont care if its right or wrong, i will be sad for the kids who cant find a roleplay buddy and will just use chat ai to roleplay (which scrapes off others writing), etc

ai in the way im speaking about it is going to be terrible for alot of people with passions who cant get jobs because theyll be seen as replacable, the way people are going to exploit it for misinformation which goes from propaganda, revenge porn, other

"but it hasnt happened yet to people who generated text to video! it should be harmless" dont underestemate it, its going to happen eventually

i am just so tired of hearing about ai, i dont want any of it, i dont care, the way it is nowadays i am very against it, i am aware the hype is going to die down in afew years but right ow its so unbreable to me and i dread the day i get a job and they stop me and go "sorry buddy, you cant, we got computers to replace you", is there anything else i can say after this? fuck AI fuck the guy who made it more popular, i dont care how much you wanna make a meme or something you are feeding into it, stop using it untill there are proper regulations to stop it from spreading like wildfire, sooner or later someones going to use it for much worse

(sorry if its written weridly i didnt spell check i just needed to get this out)

#calico.exe #POSSIBLY delete later idk i fear that everyone will jump on me #cuz i didnt word some stuff right #anti ai #anti ai art #anti ai writing #anti ai voice acting #anti ai acting #anti ai videos

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

#nnstuff #ask #csa tw #asks are sweethearts

[mahkari]

been meaning to ask for awhile now and now I feel brave enough to, can I hear about the fanverse incident

claps my hands together . so this might get long you’re just going to have to bear with me . some details may be foggy in my head because it’s been probably a year since ive cared or really paid much more attention than what my friends told me to it but this is , essentially , what i remember the most and what makes the fanverse a fucking disaster

so the fanverse predates the Republican donation stuff by about a year . when it was announced i think the games that stood out the most to people were the joy of creation , popgoes , candy’s , flumpty’s , and the fnaf 1 remaster ( that i’ll spend so much time on . there’s so much stuff on phisnom alone ) . TJOC and candy’s don’t really have a lot to say on them , because the creators are normal people ( ? ) who just wanted to make fnaf fan projects , and if they could make some money via assistance from Scott by means such as selling on steam and possible merchandise , of course they were gonna take it

i don’t wanna say that the cracks started to show when the creator of flumpty was outed as a pedophile and openly admitted to it and banned himself from any online space to go better himself or whatever , but i will say that you could probably guess things were only going to go downhill from there when Scott made no public statement . i guess if you’re a dick rider you can argue that fnaf has an audience of children who don’t really need to be hearing a lengthy statement from the series creator about how pedophilia is a bad thing because Obviously , but he Has made statements about that before . he cut ties with pinkypills ( supposedly ) because of her comics that portrayed william as a pedophile . this isn’t meant to come off as a defense of pinkypills because she’s a genuinely terrible person , but one would think that a real life human person grooming a minor and admitting to it would be worse than possibly having someone read a comic that would have others perceive your fictional character as a pedophile . moving on

popgoes is being developed by kane carter who’s his own brand of something . he has such a bad tendency of saying stupid shit on his Twitter and then when someone goes ‘hey man this sounds a little stupid’ he will bug out and post some heated rant before going nuclear and locking his account , rinse and repeat for however many years it’s been . <- that’s why i joke that i have beef with him . because he did that to me circa 2020 when i made a joke about his old sister location theory about it being an underground sex dungeon or something He just had to make sure i knew at 14 years old that he wasn’t serious ! and it was a product of lack of knowledge of the time or whatever . i don’t hold that against him btw i just think it’s objectively a little funny . i think in terms of fanverse reception popgoes is still held in a really high regard because it seems to be one of the only projects that’s still actually being fucking worked on . if kane carter wasn’t such a fucking bizarre guy on his Twitter im sure that he’d still have a crumb of good faith left to anyone other than the people who have been following him since he made popgoes as a one off thing and probably feel some sort of obligation to keep going

Stares At You . and phisnom . phisnom is a special guy . he was the one who was assigned to remake fnaf 1 but make it Scarier or something . i feel it’s important to say that phisnom has gone on record saying that redesigns ( such as the ones in analog horror ) that just take the base design but make it grimy and ‘scarier’ are lazy and don’t actually add anything to their base design . i don’t inherently disagree with his take but seriously look at this

yeah man you’re really dodging the ‘making it scarier just because’ allegations with this one . i honestly think that aside from the joy of creation which is just like a really impressive fan game this was probably the second most hyped up one because it was being sold as a remake to the first and it was being funded by Scott’s money . objectively for the time it felt a little bit cool and i drew fan art for it ( which i still think is cute . i wish that phisnom didn’t suck so much fucking cock and balls so that i didn’t feel bad about looking at it but it’s whatever )

where the problems with phisnom reach a head is that he’s a cunt . like really just a cunt i don’t know how else to put it . there’s nothing wrong with someone wanting to have an audience of adults or whatever especially if the thought of having an audience of children makes you uncomfortable there is Nothing wrong with that , but when you sign on to make a remake of FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDYS you need to know what kind of fan base you’re signing up for .

phisnom’s twitter is 18+ , but he would get interactions from minors all the time . whether or not you blame the minors is up to you i guess but Again , when you’re posting about your five nights at Freddy’s project unless its just straight up porn it’s kind of absurd to think that everyone here is going to be a strong hearty adult . like let’s be so for real we all know the adults in the room aren’t funding your fan game .

what you probably heard is that after he played the ruin dlc he didn’t like it . since the dlc had just come out it had its recency bias and a kid replied to his tweet about it and then phisnom quote retweeted them and inadvertently sent his audience who aren’t stalking him for fnaf over to this child and send him gore and porn . obviously a person can’t control what their fan base does but when people were like ‘hey dude your community is sending a child gore and porn’ instead of making a tweet like ‘i don’t want you guys to do that’ he posted an ‘apology’ that just led back to a rick roll . obviously at this point he kind of just looks like an edgy child and people go to their lord and savior Scott Cawthon to get something done

by the way , i didn’t mention this yet , but this phisnom stuff happened in like July-august of last year , so it’s not like this was that long ago . that being said you also have to wonder Hey . where’s fnaf+ by now . because that was also the question that a lot of people ran back to . so you’re getting funded by both Scott cawthon and an audience of fans who are expecting a project that the creator himself managed to shit out in about a month , while you’ve been given three years to recreate some source material and you’re not done yet ? what’s taking so long ?

all of this combined into one melting pot led fnaf+ to getting canceled . go figure . scott never released his own statement on it because he’s off doing god knows but phisnom did , which basically said he’s done with fnaf and don’t ask about it or fnaf+ as a project anymore because he’s not completing it and he would like to do other project .

im sure there’s stuff i missed because of the aforementioned brain fog all the way at the start but yes . the fanverse is a fucking disaster . the joy of creation and candy’s are pretty good though

#kari answers #long post

[smute]

the ios app is such a disaster honestly. idk how many posts ive made on here complaining about the performance and overheating issues but i do know that ive tried to tell @staff about them multiple times, both through apple's report an issue thingy in the app store and directly via the tumblr support page. ive been through every troubleshooting step. i cant even tell you how often i reinstalled the app. i have tested it on wifi and cellular, with 5g on and 5g off. its always the same thing. the app draws insane amounts of power whenever it is active/open, even when im not scrolling, and my phone gets warmer and warmer until it eventually shuts down with a temperature warning or gets too hot to hold in my hand

a couple weeks ago i actually upgraded to a new phone (for context: my previous one was only 2 years old, not some ancient underpowered thing, and apart from tumblr i NEVER noticed any performance/temperature issues so i wasn't really looking for an upgrade, i just got a really good offer from my carrier). the tumblr app also makes my (older) ipad overheat, so i already knew that the problem here wasn't a particular device, but given the chance i was ofc curious to see if things would improve with a newer one. they didn't 🤪

anyway i conducted a little informal experiment with the new phone to figure out exactly how bad the problem is. didn't even install the tumblr app when i first set it up, just to see how the phone would perform without buggy software (the answer is really well)

under normal usage the battery lasts for at least two fucking days. texting, playing music, surfing, fucking reading ebooks, watching youtube videos, we're talking like close to 30 hours of screen time on a single charge. SCREEN time, not standby.

on saturday morning, while using the tumblr app (and only the tumblr app), i went from 90% to 50% in TWO AND A HALF HOURS. that is insane.

like not only is it super uncomfortable to hold a piping hot thing made of glass and metal in your hands, im also genuinely concerned about the health of my battery lmao

until a few months ago i had NEVER encountered this problem, not even on my old iphone 8 that sometimes struggled with other apps as well. tumblr always worked fine. idk what they changed or which weird new feature that nobody asked for is responsible for this but something is drawing power like CRAZY and literally FRYING MY HARDWARE.

honestly its like the world's shittiest screen time reminder lmao. after 30 minutes the temperature starts to get uncomfortable and after an hour i literally have to take a break, close the app for 5 minutes and let my phone cool off. WHICH IT DOES BTW. like almost INSTANTLY. idk what else to say except that this seems to be a feature not a bug. in the sense that it happens no matter what i do

lmao sorry this turned into such a long rant. like i said, i already messaged tumblr support about it but this has been going on for months at this point and i am P I S S E D

#&

[iris-jaxx665]

Re: weight loss

At the justifiable risk of offense, because no one needs to be commenting on anyone else's body... I've been worried that including your weight and temp with your potd posts was related to weight loss.

Worried because that kind of monitoring can so very easily lead to other very destructive and maladaptive behaviors.

Your body is yours to do with what you want, but I'm hoping I can reassure you that unless there's some underlying medical condition that's making your weight dangerous, you seem absolutely fine. Even if you gain more weight, having fat on your body is not inherently unhealthy.

The whole weight loss industry... I could rant for hours. And hours more about how the medical industry supports it. How BMI is an inherently problematic metric, made worse by being decontextualized and applied in ways it was not designed for. How calory counting and the whole concept of specific calories per day is just whole cloth made up with no medical basis. I could just rant for days, but this isn't the time or place...

So if I may ask, from a genuine place of concern, does this come from a body image issue? Some sort of dysmorphia? Or maybe some outside influence leading you to believe you need to be thinner?

I've seen so many friends be devoured by weight loss. You seem like such a wonderful person and weight loss disorders cause such unnecessary pain and struggle. No one deserves to live under that kind of stress...

no offense taken, i asked for open discussion with the hope and plan to receive it.

including the weight and temp checks with my potd posts isnt weight loss related, though i understand the thought process there, its fertility related, as im cycle tracking and the basal body temp is supposed to be linked to fertility cues.

i spent a fair number of years deeply anorexic, and im always fighting not to resort to the measures i once took to take control of my body, as thats a large part of what it was for me as well as body image and dismorphia issues. ive been in remission and healing from those issues since recovering from my first pregnancy in 2015. and its been difficult.

currently this weight loss has medical impetus. i went to a cunt doctor in may for curiosity concerning my fertility, and He had me do about 20 blood tests. one of those tests showed that my cholesterol was insanely high, dangerously high. the doctors suggestion was lose some weight, be more active, cut out fats. so im trying to do so safely.

its also in part that i am unhappy with my appearance, just slightly. i know having some fat is healthy and better for my body than having none, i just feel that i have a little more than i would like. i feel lethargic about half the week, i cant walk for more than 30 minutes or so (in part because of my bad knee, which im also working on), and im unsure of what strain my weight may put on my bad lungs and my fragile heart.

i could rant just as long about the medical industry, bmi and weight, as it all concerns to women and how its fucked, but my foster father had a heart attack recently with 100% blockage (dumb bastard drove himself to the hospital) and that as well as his many cancers, my foster mothers heart/ liver/ kidney failures. its all scared me rather harshly about my own health.

thank you for your concern, currently i just want to lose a little fat and gain some muscle, so i can keep up with my Owner on long walks and hikes, so i can keep up with my future kids (if i can have them) for as long as they want me to, so i can have enough strength in my body to hold my grandkids one day. because i dont as yet feel that i could if i got the chance.

#me #thank you for your curiosity #personal rant

[swampwart]

its only been two hours!

if i dont bog myself down with work, i think of you

i cannot escape you, oh i really really dont want to

i wish that dream was real i wish it was fucking real

i cant forgot how you kissed me

i wish you kissed me

i love your lips, i miss when you'd stare at mine wheneber we spoke

i want you back and im so deeply ashamed about this

this is not what i thought it would be

breaking up was suppose to get rid of all these feelings

but now.i feel all of them, just without having you

i cannot have you in my heart like this

i cannot keep ranting to you in brain about jow horrible my emotional life is and how badly i just want to reach over, hold me, rub my spine again and tell me its all going to be okay with such raw confidence it was like god told you or something

ive never dreamed about anyone before, not even him

but you have entered my escape so vividly and in such detail i cannot ignore it

it tricks me into thinking its real life

like you were actually upset i ever made a joke about taking another man's name and you wrapped your arms around me when i told you w out prompt i was only jokinh

in my dream that didnt reassure you either

you asked me "are you crushing on anyone else right now?" and i giggled and said "noo" w a knowing eye and you got nervous and looked to the side and forced out a laugh "noo thats not okay, we need to find you someone" then you took me by the wrist and had me speak to a guy

all i could do was watch you while you laughed at everything he said, and i think i was just happy i was with you

(he didnt even have a face, yet i could see the peak of your cheekbone that causes the depression beneath your eye)

later on i went home w a beautiful girl, tough and thick in every aspect, in a sick way i cannot deny het beauty

she was into me, i think we wanted this to go somewhere,, her friend had set us up and were hung out alone in rug covered room with a mirror and magical beads,, and she spoke with a tough sarcasm that ive gotten used to over the years, i dont think i looked at her long

then you came in, light in your weight and smiling lile ive never seen. Im use to this i think, but something hurt inside so far down and so unimportantly, i just focused on that you were happy. And you began to recount to me the tome you had, laughing the whole time, and i asked you "are you drunk" and in your beautiful, biteless irony you said "nooo maybe judt a little champagne" and we laugjed anf i was so happy to be wuth you, giggling in out own language rven thoigh i hear you speak this way with everyone. In dream and now, shamefully for my own comfort, i will believe it is special when you do it with me

and you held my hand and played with my fingers while you pattered on, and swinging your head this way and that, and in a moments confusion we forgot who we were and you kissed me.

That moment convinced me this dream was real. Your lips left a session on mine that felt so real. I know i felt pressure, i know i did. At that moment,i was convinced it was because we really did kiss. Now i know itd because our last kiss, whenbeer that was, has not left my lips this whole time. That kiss we had, whenvef that was, has traveled through time and told me we are still in embrace.

i was left in a daze after that, and i heard you gasp and laugh and say "oh i forgot!" and take hold of my second hand. But i stared off, with a dopey smile growing all over my face. Thid whole dream I've felt so tired, my eyebags leading the way. But that kiss sparked rhe rest of my physical existence, and golden light rippled along my skin, into my brain, and swayed its way across my eyes. I heard angels singing, the muses, everything that comes witj a golden kiss. I was so happy. And i agreed with you and said "dont worry about it,"

latter on, the girl saw us and was less than impressed. You were layed across your back (your hair was parted in the most stunning way) and playing with my fingers. My exhaustion was back, but it did not matter to me when i was with you. And she asked what my boyfriend was doing here, and i told her "its complicated" while focused entirely on you playing with my hands.

And she told me she doesnt do cheaters, and i told her dont worry about it. I said before you walked into the room i had a boyfriend, so she assumed it was you. I told her "this isnt him," and it confused her more. She sat down and began to do her make up and in a distance, maybe even hurt, but still open manner. And i turned my attention away for a while, sadly my back to you, and i asked her if she knew what polyamory is. And she adjusted in her seat, squinting her eyes as she tried to think, then we spoke at the same time, it isn't / is it, "what the mormans do." I told her that was paligamy and involed religion and stuff we didn't jave here. She nodded along, confused, partly wanting to understand and partly wanting to leave, and i was fine with that.

Then i think someone walked in for you. I think it was him. And then you were gone. You where gone snd i think my dreamself felt there was no point to remember the dream anymore. Now ive woken up, sad, confused, happy, and feeling so stupid.

i cant decide if i want all of this to be real or not. I do, hell i want you so bad, its such a deep seeded need in me, i dont know what to do. But what the hell am i doing. what the hell am i doing. I have a boyfriend, but shit i think its getting rocky. Im makinh mistakes, he is too. And im so scared. And i just want comfort. Like a child i just want to be held and told itsnall going to be okay. And everytime i think about it, im always telling you. Im always telling you.

i miss you so much, i miss you more than anything

[amomentoftimeandword]

Geek rant incoming 😮‍💨

**Spoilers** If you haven't seen The Clone Wars do not proceed.

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Back in 1977 the world was introduced to Darth Vader and his empire, as well as Luke and Leia, in Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope. Back then, it seemed right to have this big bad character reeking havoc across the galaxy, a character who had fallen from the path of righteousness.

Fast forward 22 years to 1999 when Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace came out and introduced us to Anakin Skywalker. We followed Anakin's journey as he became a Padawan at the end of this first film. In 2002 we followed him as an older, (essentially) fully realized Jedi. Then in 2005 we watched the prophecy surrounding him, come to fruition, as he became the very thing he was meant to destroy, a Sith Lord.

In accordance to the 1977 film, we all knew it had to be this way, that this was what Eps. I-III were setting up. Now, let's jump forward again to August 2008 when the feature length, animated film, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, was released. In this film (set between Eps. II & III) we see Anakin take on his own Padawan, Ahsoka Tano. Two months later, The Clone Wars series began.

From October 2008 to March 2013, we got to see Anakin and Ahsoka develop a close relationship. They may have been master and Padawan, but it was more than that. They were friends. Ahsoka was someone who was able to keep him grounded, even when Anakin's emotions threatened to get the best of him.

This series, fleshed out Anakin so EXTREMELY well! We see him as a trusted Jedi, a leader, a mentor, a general in the grand army of the republic. We get to see him as a 'brother' to Obi-Wan, a husband to Padme, and (again) a friend to Ahsoka🥺. I seriously prefer clone wars Anakin over live action Anakin (probably unpopular opinion. Love Hayden Christensen though❤️).

Anyways, in the Season 5 finale episodes (17-20) of The Clone Wars, we watch as Ahsoka gets framed for murder and other crimes against against the republic. No matter how many times she claimed she was innocent... No one but Anakin believed her (maybe Obi and Plo Koon), and the Jedi Council abandoned her, expelling her from the Order. In the grand scheme of things, I understand (again) why it had to happen this way, however I still hold some resentment towards the council for turning their backs on her (I know this is all fictional, but I am ATTACHED 🥺).

That being said, Ahsoka got her name cleared and was offered the chance to rejoin the ranks of the Jedi, but she refused. She was hurt and maybe part of her saw how 'blinded' the Jedi actually could be to one another. WHEN SHE WALKS AWAY FROM ANAKIN AT THE END OF EP. 20 😭😭😭😭😭💔 My heart BREAKS Every. Single. Fucking. Time!!! Personally, I believe this is where Anakin's villain origin story started.

HAD Ahsoka been even an IDEA back in 1977, we honestly probably never would have had a Darth Vader. This is a personal belief of course, and I can't change what's been canon for nearly 50yrs now, BUT a heart can still dream. Ahsoka was SO GOOD for Anakin. She would have kept him on the straight and narrow, I'm sure of it.

This makes an even harder impact in season 7 of the Clone Wars (that didn't drop till 2020), when we see Ahsoka return. She's grown up in her time away and has keep her distance from the Jedi. We follow her journey in this season as she eventually finds her way back to Anakin. Eps. 9-12 tie in VERY closely to the events of Revenge of the Sith.

These last four episodes HIT SO DIFFERENT after you've followed all these characters for so long (even the clones 💔). There is a scene where Anakin presents Ahsoka with new lightsabers and then he walks away to join the mission to capture Dooku (that opens up Revenge of the Sith). THIS IS THE LAST TIME AHSOKA SEES ANAKIN BEFORE HE BECOMES DARTH VADER 😭💔😭💔😭

A lot of people ask where Ahsoka was during RotS and these last 4 episodes answer that too. She had a mission to capture Maul on Mandalore and bring him back to Coruscant to the Jedi Council as a way to help the republic one last time. THIS EXPLAINS WHY SHE WASN'T THERE IN THE END!

Do y'all REALIZE the impact she could have MADE though, if she'd been around to HELP ANAKIN 😭😭😭 (in a perfect world where Vader doesn't exist)!!! However, there's no telling whether she would have survived Order 66 if she had been around. WHICH!!! Order 66 goes into effect while Ahsoka is bringing Maul to the council (of course she defeated him). And seeing HOW she survived the execution order is one of THE MOST HEARTBREAKING, DEVASTATING THINGS THAT EXISTS ON TV!!🥺💔😭🥺💔😭

Yes, I do it to myself, putting my emotions through the ringer every time BUT DAMN! The Clone Wars goes hard and it hurts like hell, but it is for that reason, that it is one of my FAVORITE animated shows. 😮‍💨🥲

I may be part of a small population too that believes Anakin didn't do anything wrong either. If giving into emotions makes way for the dark side, then SO many of us would be. As humans, we are meant to FEEL and some feel more strongly than others. Anakin is of the Force but he feels things SO deeply. All he wanted was to be able to save those that he loved and was coerced/peer pressured/led to believe(falsely) that the Dark Side had the answers he needed. I don't believe he ever truly wanted to be the reason why Jedi across the galaxy were eradicated. We know Palpatine only wanted him for his power and it was ALL Palatine's idea from the beginning. ANAKIN IS A VICTIM!! HE WAS CORRUPTED!!😭😭😭 Sure, Anakin was brash and had some intense moments (a think first, ask questions later type) throughout the series as a whole, but they were justified. He did what had to be done. I am a very firm believer that the corruption of the dark side did indeed 'kill' the Anakin we came to know and love. Everything he did after killing Windu, is not our "chosen one". Though, let's be honest, 'our Anakin' probably started to disappear when Palpatine ordered him to kill Dooku.

If you've seen Clone Wars, you may remember a few episodes in season 3 where the Son (essentially the personification of the dark side of the Force) tried to coerce Anakin, even then. MY WILD THEORY is that, the day Anakin gave in to the dark side, was the day the Son possessed him, "killing him", hence allowing for the creation of Darth Vader and the Empire he rules. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ Fight me.

Ok, I'm getting off my soap box now. If you've made it to the end, do you agree with any of this? However theoretical it may be? My mind cannot be changed. 🤷🏼‍♀️ This is where I firmly stand. I will die on this hill.

#ahsoka tano #anakin skywalker #jedi order #star wars #the clone wars #nerd #star wars nerd #star wars geek #geek #commander tano #order 66 #darth vader #a new hope #the phantom menace #revenge of the sith #general skywalker #captain rex

[callunavulgari]

“All the people living in, living in the world today Reunited by our love, reunited by our pain All the things that I've done and I've seen Still, I don't know, don't know what it means”

Heather’s Top 50 Songs of 2022

we don’t talk about bruno — encanto cast // behind the mask — ivy & gold // siren song — julian moon // storm song — phildel // my love — florence & the machine // a man without love — engelbert humperdinck // abcdefu — gayle // bones — imagine dragons // without you — ursine vulpine // start a riot — beginners // rule #1 magic — fish in a birdcage // drowning — radio company // to be human — marina // what will you leave behind — max ll // persephone in the garden — aidoneus // in the beginning — fahrenhaidt // all of you — encanto cast // love, maybe — melomance // in the flood — oleksa lozowchuk // the foundations of decay — my chemical romance // king — florence & the machine // dirty little animals — bones uk // burn — 2wei // running up that hill — kate bush // separate ways — journey // what could have been — sting, ray chen // back to the end — stars // gutt ch paranda — preet sandhu // dream — krutikov music // this is a life — son lux // free fall — slot machine // west coast — onerepublic // take control — old gods of asgard // sharks — imagine dragons // hadippa — pritam // around the world — a touch of class // pink venom — black pink //  teenage dirtbag — wheatus // i’m good (blue) — david guetta // talking to yourself — carly rae jepson // 我还记得那天  — shen yicheng // voidfish — rachel rose mitchell // glue — fickle friends // it’s alright — mother mother // wind blow — bone thugs-n-harmony // 回到山沟沟  — DJ何鹏版 // insane — black gryph0n // bloody mary — lady gaga // enter hallownest — christopher larkin // unholy — sam smith

short version | long version | spotify wrapped

short version is the link to what you see here, my helpfully abridged version. long version will lead you to the 265 song, 16 hour and 26 minute supercut playlist which i’ve been slowly cultivating since early january. spotify wrapped will lead you to a mixture of the long and the short version, which is honestly pretty accurate but does not helpfully represent my ear worms of the week.

under the cut is me ranting about music, like usual. enjoy!

i. we don’t talk about bruno || encanto cast seven-foot frame, rats along his back when he calls your name it all fades to black

I am so sorry, but this song had absolutely no reason to go as hard as it did. But it did, so we got the earworm that dogged my heels for about seventy percent of this year. No regrets, seriously, it’s a freaking banger. Also, all of the Tiktoks that were surfacing after Encanto was released made my absolute month. ii. behind the mask || ivy & gold holding on not letting go how can i feel alive again? in this darkness on my own.

I think that I originally found this one on one of my discover weekly playlists and it survived multiple prunings of my abridged playlist through the year, so it got to stay.  iii. siren song || julian moon 'cause i'm the granddaughter of a witch you never burned she taught me things that got me kicked out of church

Tiktok or Discover Weekly? Forever a mystery, but I LOVE this song so much. Has all the redhead energy, iv. storm song || phildel oh, despite the distance, you will see my footprints i will raise my flagpole, i will turn these tables 'round Another discover weekly find. Very much sirens and sailors vibes.  v. my love || florence & the machine there is nothing to describe except the moon still bright against the worrying sky i pray the trees will get their leaves soon Thing number 1: new Florence singles! Thing number 2: new Florence album! Thing number 3: guys, I got to see her in concert in September and she was fucking magical. The sheer amount of fey energy surrounding her was insane. She did the entire concert with her feet bare, hair messy, and she was so fucking resplendent. vi. a man without love || engelbert humperdinck every day I start out, then I cry my heart out lonely is a man without love

I had this song stuck in my head for AT LEAST a month after I finished Moonlight. It’s such a freaking earworm. Also! Good fanvids! vii. abcdefu || gayle A-B-C-D-E, F-U and your mom and your sister and your job and your broke-ass car and that shit you call art fuck you and your friends that i'll never see again everybody but your dog, you can all fuck off

I heard this for the first time with a bellyful of whiskey on the porch of my favorite irish bar on a very, very cold March night. The heat lamps sort of helped but mostly I was cold and buzzed and having very intense conversations about fucking astrology with some of my friends. I literally whipped my phone out to Shazam this mid-conversation. viii. bones || imagine dragons I-I-I got this feeling, yeah, you know where i’m losing all control 'cause there's magic in my bones Technically the first Imagine Dragons song that I fell in love with in 2022 was Enemy, however, I did manage to love this one (and one later down the list) MORE, so this one made it onto the abridged version and Enemy (sadly) did not. Also, here’s an Arcane fanvid! It’s REALY good. And while we’re at it, here’s a Marvel one too! Also really good! Music with good fanvids tend to stick to me like glue. ix. without you || ursine vulpine 'cause I don't want the world to turn without you and I don't want the sun to burn without you

I was so SO sure that I’d first heard this one from a fanvid, but I cannot for my life find it anywhere. Anyway, it’s a really beautiful song and SHOULD probably be in a fanvid if it isn’t already. x. start a riot || beginners arms to the sky screaming rah rah rah head to the side with a nah nah nod hit that switch make it hotter

Initially found the song on this multi-female fanvid back in April, and it really stuck with me. It’s got such great energy. xi. rule #1 magic || fish in a birdcage there is magic in this room i don't know if you can see it it's called love

I flew down to Florida in April and for some reason got the urge to write a drarry fic when I had ABSOLUTELY no way to write it. This song, for some reason, was the instigator. Anyway, I ended up writing it on my phone and posting it when I got back. xii. drowning || radio company hold the day make it through and fall into the light

A coworker of mine ended up finding out that Jensen Ackles of Supernatural had a band and then proceeded to listen to this song (and several others from the album) for I think a month? Two months? It did start getting bleak, but now that I’ve had time and distance, I do really enjoy this particular song. xiii. to be human || marina to be human, i want direction i wanna feel human again Marina! My one true love! This song is just? Beautiful. Haunting. Thought-provoking? It really, really leans hard into the nature of humanity and has made me cry on more than one occasion.  xiv. what will you leave behind || max ll under guiding starlit sky we will learn how to say goodbye

Speaking of crying - I played Spiritfarer this year. If you are unfamiliar, it is a breathtaking little indie game where you are a little girl who is also the grim reaper and you take care of spirits until they’re ready and then escort them to the afterlife. This game GUTTED me. It deals with a lot of hard subjects, the least of which is all the stages of grief. If you haven’t played it, trust me, play it. Be ready for a good cry though. xv. persephone in the garden || aidoneus did we lie in the soil with our arms and legs tangled up like the weeds and the branches of the trees that bound our souls and necks to the ground below?

I think this was another discover weekly, but god, it was a good one. I think the title speaks for itself concerning the subject material, but I was fresh out of my millionth playthrough of Hades and fell in love. xvi. in the beginning || fahrenhaidt and in the beginning when land touched the sea the earth was created around you and me Another discover weekly. The melody in this one is just *chefs kiss* xvii. all of you || encanto cast i may not be as strong but i'm getting wiser yeah, i need sunlight and fertilizer come on, let's plant something new and watch it fly

This song makes me weep every single time I listen to it. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since I heard it the first time. Doesn’t matter what kind of mood I’m in. It hits three distinct parts, first when the rest of the town comes to help them, then when Mirabel’s mother and father are talking about how far she’s come, then when they give her that doorknob. Just. Fuck. Guys, this movie hit me in all of the emotions. xviii. love, maybe || melomance 너의 즐거워하는 모습을 보고 있으면 자연스레 따라 웃고 있는 걸

I watched A Business Proposal on Netflix despite the fact that second-hand embarrassment makes me cringe so hard it hurts. Despite some rather significant moments where I had to pause it for several minutes and regroup, I actually REALLY liked it. It was very sweet, barring some little iffy moments here and there. The main characters had great chemistry. Also I would die for Young-seo. xix. in the flood || oleksa lozowchuk if i falter, if i fall the wave inside my soul carries all i know who can take my hand in the flood?

I played Horizon: Forbidden West in the late spring/early summer and it was everything I hoped it would be. Every corner of the world that you touch, all the side quests and stories. God, and the Vegas area? I really hope the third game is as good as the first two. Also! It does the thing! A himbo, a mean bisexual, and even meaner lesbian, he/theys and she/theys, a token straight that’s on thin ice, an astrology bitch who has everyone’s birth chart memorized, and a short king. If you’ve played the game, I’ll bet you already know which characters match what. xx. the foundations of decay || my chemical romance now, if your convictions were a passing phase may your ashes feed the river in the morning rays Can we talk about the religious experience that I had laying in my bed with the lights off and my headphones in the day that this song came out? I think I played it through four or five times before I took a break because I was crying. Yes, I am that MCR girl. No, I will not apologize. xxi. king || florence & the machine i need my golden crown of sorrow my bloody sword to swing my empty halls to echo with grand self-mythology Have I mentioned that I got to see her live? Have I mentioned that I cried? Did I talk about how she danced barefoot (yes) and spun and spun until she was dizzy (no). Did I talk about the tender moment that the cameras caught where she stroked some poor girl’s cheek and the entire audience got a first row seat to the naked adoration and longing in that girl’s face? How it was the closest I’ve come to witnessing someone come face to face with their god? How she walked, straight-backed and regal, the first time she said the words, “I am king”? No? Fuck, it was an experience, guys. xxii. dirty little animals || bones uk it makes your blood run hot it makes your spit taste sweet it makes you feel more alive than you have ever been

This is the second year in a row that this song has made it to my top 50. It’s one of the songs on the Arcane soundtrack and has basically been my go-to drive fast music since last December. Since I now have to commute to and from Newark two days a week and 161 is basically a long stretch of nothing, I’ve uh, had a lot of time to listen to it. xxiii. burn || 2wei i will not surrender i never learned to lose a fight

Definitely thought this one was a fanvid too, but I can’t find it. Anyway, it’s a great sexy little song. xxiv. running up that hill || kate bush oh, come on, angel. come on, come on, darling let's exchange the experience, ooh

Would you look at that, we’ve reached the point in the playlist where the new season of Stranger Things dropped. I have always loved this song, but holy shit, that scene was freaking amazing.  xxv. separate ways || journey someday love will find you true love won't desert you

Okay, but this song was in the Stranger Things 4 trailer and it was such a masterful trailer that I ended up listening to this song over and over again. I mean, it’s a great song anyway, but damn. That trailer! For all the issues I have with Stranger Things, it’s still such solid television. xxvi. what could have been || sting, ray chen i want you to hurt like you hurt me today and i want you to lose like I lose when I play what could have been Am I still talking about the Arcane soundtrack? Why yes, I am. This track has been living on my “got the morbs” playlist and is generally just a great song to turn to if I want to write or feel angsty things. The violin!  xxvii. back to the end || stars and nothing i say can make you feel less alone again and no song i sing will ever help us go home again 

Not only was I blessed with new Florence and new MCR this year - but I was also graced with new Stars! This song is very, very clearly pulling from the covid experience and it does really nail that strange loneliness of that first year, how the loneliness just kind of slipped into our bones and never left.  xxviii. gutt ch paranda || preet sandhu sambh lai jawani kurhe, kahton firre gaali ni, chamm saade nikhre aa, kamm haddo kaale ni Fanvid! This song SLAPS. xxix. dream || krutikov music dream, dream, dream dream, dream, dream

I honestly cannot figure out this song’s relation to Doctor Strange. Was it in the movie? Did I miss it? Trailer? IDK. But I really love it, and it helps that it made a come back about a month later when The Sandman dropped. xxx. this is a life || son lux this is a life this is our life

If you have not taken the plunge yet and watched Everything Everywhere All At Once, please do. I don’t have the words for how I came out of it knowing it was the most important movie I’ve ever watched, how it understands the nature of humans, how it made me laugh until I was sick and then sob into my fist moments later. This movie understands humans better than anything I have EVER seen and is an actual masterpiece. xxxi. free fall || slot machine if the world is falling apart it'll never take what's in our heart, make it last

I watched Kinnporsche! Well, most of it. I did not actually watch the last few episodes because I forgot where I was and haven’t gone back to it yet. But! It’s an incredibly sexy drama and just generally good tv. There is a concerning moment in one of the first episodes where there is some dubious/non-consent and I feel like most people just? Gloss over how weird it was? But if you’re able to get past that, the rest is smooth sailing. xxxii. west coast — onerepublic give me the sun for just a year i’ll kiss the sky and disappear This song is just obscenely catchy. Also, yes, I am dreaming about the west coast. Please dear god, I know I willingly moved here and all, but please get me out of Ohio. I want Washington. I want Oregon. I want northern California. xxxiii. take control || old gods of asgard and so i'm drawn ever deeper in the oldest house and all these empty rooms this vacant, spellbound mystery motel where i'm the keeper, where i set the rules This is the song that plays during the absolute coolest part of Control. It is one of the coolest experiences I’ve ever experienced in a video game and one of the best incorporations of music into a fight scene since they played Waltz of Flowers in Bioshock. I am linking a video of the gameplay, but honestly, if you get the chance I recommend skipping the video so you don’t ruin it and go play the game. The video is fine, but really doesn’t do the experience justice. xxxiv. sharks || imagine dragons so let it go, let it go that's the way that it goes

This might actually be my favorite song that Imagine Dragons has ever dropped. That’s.. that’s it. That’s the story. Have a fanvid! xxxv. hadippa || pritam Fikar Hi Gham Ka Papa Hai Apna To Bas Yeh Jaapa Hai Fikar Karein Fukarey

I honestly have no idea where I found this one, but it is so incredibly catchy. I know that it was around the time I was shazaming basically every single song they played on Ms Marvel, but honestly I’m just not sure. It is a really good song though. xxxvi. around the world || a touch of class just la la la la la, it goes around the world just la la la la la, it's all around the world

I have no idea about this one either. I feel like I may have gotten it stuck in my head when I was making the wedding playlist? Or it could have been a Tiktok, but I think the playlist is more likely. Great song! Been an earworm for months now. xxxvii. pink venom || black pink 자, 오늘 밤이야, 난 독을 품은 꽃 네 혼을 빼앗은 다음, look what you made us do Fanvid! Also catchy! xxxviii. teenage dirtbag || wheatus  'cause i'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby yeah, i'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby listen to iron maiden, baby, with me, ooh

Hahaha, I did the thing. It does not help that this song will now forever make me think of Eddie/Chrissy. xxxix. i’m good (blue) || david guetta i'm good, yeah, i'm feelin' alright baby, i'ma have the best fuckin' night of my life A secret - I actually think that I like this song more than the original now. It’s a problem. This is also one of my go-to’s on my driving playlist now. xl. talking to yourself || carly rae jepson  so tell me, what you got on your mind? what you got on your mind?

Carly! I also got more Carly this year. xli. 我还记得那天 — shen yicheng 这 世 界 总 会 有 人 欢 笑 有 人 哭 红 眼 在 历 经 过 千 山 万 水 的 Ahhhhh, Love Between Fairy and Devil! It was such a good show! Definitely a fair amount of second hand embarrassment, but over all, it was one of the best things I’ve watched this year. Loved the dynamic between all of the characters. xlii. voidfish || rachel rose mitchell *instrumental*

This was on my top 25 last year and it’s on it again this year because it is just such a beautiful and relaxing song to listen to. I still get shivers when I think about the words “there’s music in a bard’s song.” xliii. glue || fickle friends your cheeks are so warm and mine are glowing too yeah, i can feel our lips like glue

This song came on after Florence left the stage while everyone was trying to get out of the stadium and I basically immediately shazamed it. It’s so poppy and catchy, and basically immediately reminded me of Carly. xliv. it’s alright || mother mother it's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay you're not a monster, just a human

This song. I cannot say “it’s catchy” because I’ve said that about at least ten songs now, but it’s so catchy and just generally makes me feel like it might okay. xlv. wind blow — bone thugs-n-harmony and if, you don't love me now you will never love me again This is such a good freaking mashup! The energy! A friend introduced this to me a couple months ago and I’ve been blaring it in my car ever since. Also shout out to Call Me a Hole which is tragically not on spotify, but IS singlehandedly the best mashup I’ve ever heard. xlvi. 回到山沟沟 || DJ何鹏版 男:翻过山头还是那山头 哎 我的村村就在这山背后 This came across my dashboard and it made me feel good things about being a human. xlvii. insane || black gryph0n haven't been the same since I expired doesn't mean that I plan to retire and now I have the power to bathe all of you in entertaining fire!

I fell into a Tiktok hole! This song got stuck in my head for nearly the entirety of a six hour tattoo session and has been reoccurring ever since. xlviii. bloody mary || lady gaga i'll dance, dance, dance with my hands, hands, hands above my head, head, head

Tiktok hole! Also, Wednesday Addams. This, alas, is my current earworm. xlix. enter hallownest || christopher larkin *instrumental*

We played Hollow Knight! It was fantastic and we still haven’t technically beaten it. The soundtrack has now become my go-to for writing or if I need to calm myself down. Greenpath should also be on here, but I was dumb. l. unholy || sam smith mummy don't know daddy's getting hot at the body shop, doing something unholy

More of the Tik Tok hole. Lots of thirst traps. Actually a relatively sexy song.

#heather says what #fanmixes #2022 #year in review #year in music #new year's memes #music makes the world go round

[yuukei-yikes]

it makes me so glad u like my saeru post bc honestly i get so scared sharing my kagepro opinions in this cold world but like yeah it's makes zero sense whenever i see people try to view saeru the same way they view the other characters bc that's seriously not the point😭. saeru is like sad from an objective standpoint but in kagepro's narrative alone he's what is holding the characters back from developing and gaining happiness. like the only thing abt him is that he's a fabricated shallow version of what being human is like and even then hes only the horrible parts bc he was created from despair. he's meant to be azami's, and by extent all of the mkdn and co's trauma holding them back. if someone tries to find any understanding in his actions then it defeats the whole purpose of his character. a true saeru fan wouldnt try to find empathy in his character but that sounds a bit crazy uhm. anyway sorry for the long ask just kagepro's narrative is so special to me so it makes me a bit insane. *closes the door to my cage and locks it*

1. i totally get you. ive been into kagepro for almost 10 years, ive grown up with it but only started sharing my content when i made this blog (like 5 years ago) and while ive always been loud abt my opinions i think im only NOW like REAAAAAALLY letting loose. i know what it's like to be nervous abt sharing ur opinions lol but u should keep doing it even if u think no one is listening bc someone IS listening and even if someone isnt WHATEVER i love living in delusion talking to myself that's what i do best

2. EXACTLY EXACTLY IT IS SO SO REFRESHING TO SEE SOMEONE GET IT SO PERFECTLY AND PUT IT INTO WORDS SO PERFECTLY TOO like i barely have anything to add because u just say it so perfectly. saeru IS a tragic character in the way it is created from despair like u said but the fact is that since it cannot feel anything like love u can never truly feel bad for it when it dies... it never wanted to help kenjirou, or save hiyori, or give haruka his life back. its purpose through and through is to keep killing everyone precisely because it brings tragedy. like sure it wants to live forever etcetcetc but what it wants to do is bring misery bc that's what it is

i think ppl are generally bad with characters like these because they try to give everyone a humanity?? like with alien characters for example. like it's such a pet peeve to me that people always wanna apply human principles and feelings to characters that are not... human. and the whole point is that they don't understand it and have to learn it or they just understand it differently or like in this case are straight up incapable of it. like this is so interesting. it is so interesting to have a character u will NEVER truly understand fully precisely because of your existence as a human vs their fictional non human existence. THAT'S the kind of thing that's so fun and interesting abt fiction and writing stories and characters, i think. srry that's kind of an unrelated rant that could apply to dozens of characters but here specifically it's like... yeah. there is definitely something interesting in humanizing saeru and making it be one of these characters who learn what love is and etc but that comes at the expense of kagepro's message and the question is why do u even wanna do that so bad. saeru is not THAT lovable anyway fuck that guy fr

because in my professional kagepro experience and here i am about to get a little bitter, 90% of the time it comes from being horny over omg posessed sexy anime boy bc ive never seen ANYONE objectifying clearing when its in kenjirou's body‼️‼️‼️ personally, that's also why im so UGH EYE ROLL at ppl sympathizing saeru but that's more personal lmao. *shakes fist* like mamoru miyano was 1000% chosen as haruka's va thinking primarily of saeru, secondarily of konoha, and haruka as the oh well he's here too ig. i am so sure. i am so DAMN SURE. u got sexy anime voice guy???? are you SERIOUS??? AND THE FACT HE VOICES SAERU EVEN WHEN NOT POSESSING KONOHA AND SOUNDS...LIKE THAT... MAKES IT MORE THAN CLEAR. THEY WANTED PEOPLE TO OBJECTIFY SAERU SO BAD. AND THE WORST IS THAT IT WORKED AND I WILL ALWAYS HATE IT FOR IT.

...........anyway. yes. i love long asks ty for writing to me and reading my tags and also for writing that awesome post (bow bow bow bow)🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

#ask tag #kagenalysis

[ajjconcertat2am]

thinking about the will wood interpretation of the wednesday netflix show i havent see the show at all but i believe him with every core of my being

like not to talk out of my ass cuz i litterly have not seen the show and only have seen pictures and fanart but i also saw NO negative posts about it till the will wood one today (not saying theyre arent i just havent seeked out stuff for this show), even my sister recommended it to me. i have a bad habit of disliking popular things that are hyped up on social media even when its a show i like just because like.... sometimes fandom brain rot irks me a little and im definitely hypocritical and cringe just like every other mf on this website.

but also ive seen the adams family movie (i dont think its the OG og but the most popular one) where the camp was to 100%, all the characters were unapologetically weird, political, and goth. not only was it extremely funny camp but had a lot to say for its time, and honestly i think movies like that are becoming rarer and rarer. its so mf boomer of me to say it but with how politics are now and we (at least speaking as an American) have succumbed to the idea that corporations hold more power than the average person in politics, we also hold companies to higher degree of pr and well..... 'wokeness' and inclusion. and like dont get me wrong its so nice to not watch movies and shows with random blatant racism / racism stereotypes for no reason and theres been great shows made in recent times.... but its also like.... companies are becoming more scared to do anything wrong or bold. to be political in any manner, to make a bold statement in any manner because they arent JUST appealing to 'left wokism' (sorry idk how to decribe it better) but to the most people in a nice friendly family friendly manner. (like.... im trying to communicate the idea of lemon demons redesign ur logo like... THAT. they are appealing to everyone)

so long story short i believe will wood's review with a burning fucking passion because thats how a lot of media is turning out, especially by repurposed IPs which is a whole nother fucking annoying thing. smaller rant that intertwines, but its just like television, merch, fandom, etc etc are scared of letting something die or letting something be, both companies who search to milk every last cent..... and fandom people looking to psycho analyize every character into cardboard cut out stereotype or their personal barbie dolls to use to draw gay art and writing long paragraphs about some new netflix merged IP is so 'saphic/gay coded' etc etc its gets so fucking annoying. can we have a normal conversation about a show please like adults.

tdlr can we not spend 20 million years destroying the meaning of somethings original message, both on the sides of repurposed ips AND fandom brain rot, to make something entirely new squeky clean and gay teen romance replaying the same scene of first love over snd over again THIS ISNT ART

#sorry im like so fucking pretencious when it comes to media i know its annoying #also i love being cringe about my favorite things so like #im not trying to attack people for liking things #BUT PPL ALSO KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT DONT MISCONSTREW MY WORDS #its like fine to like something and analize it a bit deeper #and its fun to imagine a different senario and how the themes of the show can be bended or strained #like mob psycho swap au for example #but it annoys me when its like...... it strays from the themes #themes and metaphor are the most important parts of media for me #so im kinda picky with media because action and stuff doesnt really entertain me the same #idk im so tired from today im just talking about this random rant to no one #if you read all of this i love u and u def dont agree but i also think i have a valid point #also im not trying to say all fandom people do that to characters its just uh........ #most...... expecially in POPULAR media so thats why i get scared #i guess im also just getting older now so seeing male leads doing a 'first kiss' art makes me want to kill #wheres the nuance and flavor #the transgenderness beyond owo i have top surgery scars oh no..... #but anyways #shoutout to mob psycho btw oh my god #and to my favorite artist #also when i say things like people who dont want something to die its like #different when its like star trek fans vs like 7th remake adams family #if that makes sense #and im not even saying all adams family remakes are bad either #sorry im like covering my bases #cuz internet makes me so afraid of pea brainsd idiots HAISBAJSBXJ #sorry thats mean..... 💖 but some ppl r maliciously ignorant fr

[boycow69]

can i just talk for a minute about this stupid fucking crackship that has me by my SPINAL CORD bc i cant talk to my irls about this cuz they wouldnt get it.

so. the ship is ectoplasm/snipe and like i found it in a chatfic and it somehow??? wormed its way??? into my brain??? and settled down??? (bitch dont even pay rent ://) i literally have not been able to think about anything but Them for literal DAYS now. i don’t have the motivation to write anything about them but mildly coherent rants (like this one) and rn im just trying to get my thoughts in order.

and like if you think about it its actually really fucking sweet? as a ship? like snipe from what we’ve been shown is literally just Southern Charm + Cowboy and ectoplasm is the Actually Very Dangerous Math Nerd and idk about you but cowboy and math nerd is just a wholesome dynamic period and i hc snipe as being older anyway (like 39 MAYBE 38) so like the ship is basically middle-aged men in love? which is literally just my favorite already so. yeah. but also they just seem like domestic people, like they’d bring each other lunch at work if he forgot it at home, they’d go on walks together with snipe’s their dog named after some country singer (my favorite is thomas rhett so in my head the dogs name is rhett but my favorite song is ‘somethin bout a truck’ by kip moore so i like to think they have two goldens one is named moore and the other rhett). but like ecto would give snipe straws so he can drink through the mask in public and snipe would remind ecto to put his glasses on when he forgets or remind him that they’re on his head (cmon, we’ve all done it).

AND. AND. AND. YOU MIGHT ASK, BOYCOW69, HOW DO THEY KISS? ECTOPLASM DOESN’T HAVE LIPS AND THE ANSWER IS THEY BONK. like when a cat pushes its head against your hand ecto will just,,, take snipes face in his hands,,,,, and they jus,, they jus bonk. they put their faces together and just fucking enjoy the moment and FUCK man does the thought RUIN me. like they just HOLD each other and push their faces together because they LOVE EACH OTHER and im SOFT AND GAY AND CANT HANDLE IT.

and you bet your ASS ive got headcanons on their relationship and how long they’ve been together and how they got together in the first place and imma bout to fucking tell you. snipe and ecto are about four years apart, meaning they would’ve just barely missed each other in school unless ecto’s birthday was after the school year ended, which is how i hc it. they met in highschool and became friends instantly despite ecto being a third year and snipe being a first year (no, they arent dating that happens after snipe graduates and turns 18). something about the chaotic cowboy just struck a chord in ectos strict math nerdness and similarly to aizawa and mic they became fast friends (though more willingly on both ends. none of that tsundere shit hes just kinda like iida). they stay friends even after ecto graduates and they slowly start developing feelings over those few years until snipe turns 18 and shows up on ectos apartment door step with beer and a boombox (he’s already drunk, he needed the confidence) and playing ‘save a horse ride a cowboy’ and ecto, to this day, doesn’t understand why he said yes to a date in that moment but he also knew then that by agreeing to that date he was agreeing to so much more (a life with the guy, keep ya minds out the gutter). he agrees to the date (snipe refuses to move until he says yes or no) and pulls him into his apartment to turn off the damn music before he gets noise complaints and help his cowboy sober up so he can tell him yes properly.

snipe ends up telling him later (YEARS later) that he meant to play a different song but forgot when he got drunk and his plastered brain thought that one was better (he was gonna play ‘die a happy man’ by thomas rhett instead (shut up im a country fan and he’s literally a cowboy okay)). and, in turns of when he said yes to a date, ecto proposed on the spot. this led to a happy about 13 year marriage (in my brain they were dating from snipe-18, ecto-21 to snipe-25, ecto-28 when ecto proposed and they get married about a year later (26/28) and they both apply to work at UA two years after that (28/30), then to start of canon events where they are 39/41).

and thats probably about it for my rant but like GOD i love them and the BONK AND THE LOVE AND THE DOMESTIC SHIT AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE PEOPLE JUST BEING IN LOVE THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK

#bnha #snipe #ectoplasm #literally like GOD #habababshsbdb love #im just gay #and so are they #i also hc them w two bio children that r ocs of mine #but thats for another time #anyway yeah they also like sorta keep their relationship on the dl #since they are private to the public (not showing faces/dont know real names ect.) #i figured they wouldn’t exactly blast their marriage in case of the media getting their hands on it #safer that way too #aizawa knows tho since they have a kid enrolled in his class and he kinda needs to know that shit #aizawa shouta #bnha aizawa #boku no hero academia

[melto]

Ive been following you for years and I love seeing your hc/long posts even when I dont super know what they are about I just think you have such a fun/smart way of thinking about things. I miss it you should start doing it again…So uh what are your favorite hcs about this ENGR crew?

ough this is such a sweet ask thank u i love u im glad u enjoy them wwhjkhsglrkjgfdl

hmm.....favorites for them....i have so many i think about them like 24/7. let me say this first: korn is a trans man to me and chang uses any pronouns (hot girl at a bar hitting on him really changed him i see it clearly). also mo is 5'6 and korn is just barely taller and never lets mo forget. just for some little things i feel very strong abt<3 but anywayss

pat mindlessly plays with his friend's hair mindlessly. like specifically braids it. he used to do it all the time for pa and he doesnt even notice at first that he's doing it until like one time he's ranting to korn and he tugs a little too hard and korn shouts but never tells pat to stop or anything. just does it all the time and they looovveee it and if they all have pat gifted braids in their hair at the same time they r so annoying about it. they just go around with matching hair and pat gets sooo embarrassed bc they wont shut up about how their bestie did it for them literally if you even glance in their direction they will tell you

engr besties cuddling...they are so obviously just an overly touchy group they've always got an arm around shoulders or hand on the back, half sitting in laps and all the like. no concept of personal space in that friend group!!! they like to be close to each other!! and they get fake jealous if they get left out of the affection which is how 50% of the time they find themselves in a cuddle pile, the other half is intentional/just kinda happens bc they drift together. korn is 100% someone who likes to hold people he's always wrapped around one or multiple of them. mo likes to spread out and it works well bc he's the smallest. chang likes to nestle up. like curl into people's laps or lay his head there or on a shoulder. pat's pretty fine with any arrangement he just likes being able to touch everyone in some way like korn wrapped around him, mo's legs in his lap, and a hand stretched all the way over so he can touch chang's arm. he does start to like get all >:( if anyone tries to like spoon him after he and pran start dating bc it simply never feels as nice so it makes him irritated. korn and pat are kinda chronic overheaters, korn gets whiney about it but pat doesnt notice its just everyone else's problem. chang runs super cold and mo is just normal. he's fine and normal in this department. they dont usually use blankets though bc they will fucking die then. esp if they are squeezed tight. they are convinced they can all fit anywhere until it blows up in their faces. pat lovveess playing with his friends' hair and hands and they all love when he does. mo falls asleep super easy when he gets cozy. korn thinks its funny to just randomly shake them around sometimes or just full on start trying to get everyone to wrestle with him with only works like 40% of the time. chang, surprisingly, is the one who talks the most like sometimes its just a normal hangout session so they are all just having normal conversations but on the days where its like more sleepy/quiet chang just kinda fills up the space by like monologuing about something he found interesting recently or whatever. they also have like a very specific way of holding each other when one of them needs some Serious comfort. it varies per person, like after the (fake) break up, korn and chang would glue to pat's sides and mo would lay across their laps and hold one of pat's hands and they'd usually watch something or pat would feel safe enough to vent. but yeah they all have a special comfort cuddle setup...they love each other soooooo much that it's embarrassing. and oh my god? pran is not safe? they walk in and see him and pat cuddling and they just fucking leap onto that couch and snuggle in best they can everyone wants to be close to pran bc he's their special guy! and he gives very good rubs and sometimes gives their heads a little kiss (which they all do to each other but its different bc again! its pran!) and pran feels so nice and loved but he cannot last very long bc it gets so hot so fast and he does not enjoy being sweat on by multiple people for more than maybe 45 minutes. sometimes inkpa join. pa's a lot more used to it and has a higher tolerance but both would much rather just be cuddling each other. with them it is just like a prolonged group hug basically, korn once got a black eye trying to keep ink in longer and she hit him in the struggle. they love each other (:

pa gets sooo many brothers. like she has pat and pran but she also get korn mo and chang and they all love her soooo much (society if i finish my fic abt this>)

ive talked about it before (mostly in reference to korn and pat's relationship) but i think the engr crew has an interesting relationship with violence and anger. pran being the catalyst in the change in it since it allows pat to become further removed from those things which leads to the other 3 to do so as well. i have a lot to say.

chang breaks him arm and the next day mo shows up with his broken too so korn and pat are like dude what the fuck happened and mo is just like oh i didnt want chang to feel weird being the only one ): the only reason korn and pat dont do the same is bc pran stops them. korn mo and chang were having a really hard time when pat got shot bc they could not easily recreate it for themselves to share his pain

korn mo and chang love pran so fucking much not an ounce of this is just out bestie's bf in them pran is THEIR special guy!

silly little group of bisexuals<3

months after the (fake) breakup starts to die down pat’s out at a bar with his buddies and chang just is like “this was pran’s favorite appetizer here” and then both he and mo just start drunkenly bawling about how much they miss pran leaving pat and korn to comfort them

korn mo and chang take that fake break up SOO hard. korn at least knows its fake but he still doesnt get to see his guy as much as he wants now but mo and chang? Devastated. oh i have so much to say i have many visions that make me so ]: (society if i finished this fic lol>)

they have secret handshakes

they like to tease pat for how down bad he is and force him to share his bf. pat's out there acting like a chauffeur bc they make pran squeeze in the back with them. shouldnt have gotten such an epic bf if he didnt want to deal with the consequences

Simply they love each other so much and are so supportive and learn to navigate newfound vulnerability with each other which allows them to just continue to grow closer and into the people they actually want to be<3

#idk what im even saying. i love them a lot so i just said a bunch of shit lol #just a little peak into my mind. plagued by thoughts constantly always #isaac drama posting hours #long post / #asks #anonymous #bad buddy the series

[fakeloveaskblog]

Hi, me again. Congratulations on getting on the waiting list. I’m cis and I don’t know much about trans healthcare or hormones but I wish you all the best and hope you don’t have to wait to long. I feel your pain with the possible two year wait. I had to wait two years for my autism diagnosis and just recently reached the end of a two and a half year waiting list to have me evaluated for anti anxiety medication. I hope you aren’t in to much pain and that you feel better soon. Remember to drink water and take care of yourself because you deserve it.

Glow Eyes

(Well would you look at that I actually remembered to sign off.)

Thanks!! Hun i'm so sorry you've had to wait that long for both of your treatments. Having to go 2 and a half years without getting any necesary help for your anxiety must have been horrible. i've had a HUGE amount of luck when it comes to my healthcare journey. I mean it's taken me like 2 months? to get meds and a therapist. i dont think i said it yesterday but i've also been written up on the waiting list for autism testing and the doctor put me so it will happen in at most 6 months. And like obviously i'm glad for all this but its also so fucking unfair yknow. Like just because it got so drastic for me i ended up at the hospital it shouldnt mean i should get help YEARS in advance of others. at most i should get help maybe like a month in advance?? At most!! It just feeds into the belief that a person has to have it "bad enough" to deserve adequate help. it's such bullshit through and through.

sorry this turned into a mini rant. ive been talking a lot with my friends lately about these kinds of healthcare issues so yeah. 

i hope you get the anxiety meds soon and that you feel nothing but validation for your strugles from your doctors <3 i dont know the differences between the side effects in anti depresants and anti anxiety but please remember that they will most likely only last for a few days. remember to drink lots of water (keep a bottle by your bed if you have to) and also remember that if the meds dont help at first you can just tell your doctors and they Will help you. theyve been through meds not working before. mine didnt work for me so my doctor immediately helped me up my dose and im already feeling a lot less dissociated and have less intrusive thoughts than usual. you will find what works for you and you will get better <3 

good job on remembering to sign off btw:D

Thank you!!! youre awesome as well!! here you'll get a picture of the oyakodon i made today as thanks C: (i had to sit down the entire time i was making it and could only hold the pots for like 15 secods before having to put them down but i managed !) please imagine that i am personally giving you a hot bowl of rice, sauce and yummy chicken and also probably a cozy blanket

#tho just saying ive waited 2 months for meds and help is kinda wrong since ive waited years in the hope that my parents would do something #lmao #glow eyes #🐌🕸

[rebplusvodequalsnbk]

This is kinda just a rant about being a junkie

I like taking drugs. I don't understand why you have such a fucking problem with that. I spent 19 years as a heroin addict, but haven't used heroin since August 19th 2019. And in 2017 I was using over a gram of meth every fucking day. Because I fucking hated my life. I was a closeted trans person who was full of self hatred and anger and vitriol and disgust with my body. But I had been burying those feelings for years using various coping mechanisms. Starting off by starving myself leading to being anorexic for almost 20 years, resulting in a damaged heart, kidneys, and pancreas; and numerous involuntary inpatient stays in eating disorder wards, sometimes with a nasal-gastric tube feeding me. Then I met my husband and he finally helped me recover. Not long after 11 year old me began starving themselves, I began self harming. I began by burning myself "accidentally" by touching hot pans out of the oven, accidentally spilling just boiled water on myself, and things like that, which then progressed to stealing one of my stepdad's lighters and heating it up as long as I could then pressing the metal area surrounding where the flame burns into my skin, followed by holding the flame to my skin until it bubbled and blistered. I soon however switched to cutting, after one of my burns became seriously infected causing me to require a couple of nights in hospital on IV antibiotics. They also sent me to the adolescent psychiatric ward for 7 days, which is how I learned about cutting. One of the girls mentioned that she uses double edged razor blades, which is what my stepdad used to shave with, so I knew I could easily access them. The same girls taught me what I needed in my self harm kit, like butterfly bandages and steri strips, and antiseptic cream, and gauze. I managed to steal all of these from my mother's first aid kit (which as a nurse was fully stocked with shit she stole from work). I still remember the first time I cut myself. I wasn't prepared for how sharp the blade was, and I cut down to the fat, and u remember being disappointed that it didn't hurt more. However, by hurting the body that I was so disgusted by, I received a small amount of relief.

At around 13 years old, I had started high school, and I received an academic scholarship to the top private girls school in my state. I was from a single mother family, my mother was on single parents pension, we lived in government housing, and everything I owned was from the cheap shop. On the other hand, some of these girls used Chanel and Gucci clutch bags for their stationery. These girls were horrific to me. I fantasised about killing them. I wrote incredibly long incredibly detailed descriptions of what I would do to each and every one of the other 14 girls in my class. Then on April 21st 1999, I awoke and began getting ready for school (school began at 9.15am). I turned on the tv to check the weather at around 7am Adelaide, Australian time (3.30pm Colorado time) and it was live footage from Columbine. I was obsessed. I skipped school and sat there transfixed until coverage stopped at around 2pm Adelaide, Australian time (10.30pm Colorado time), and I then went to the local library to use their internet to try and learn more. From that day on, I was obsessed with Columbine. I wished that I lived somewhere with easy firearms access.

Then, I got grounded over the June/July 2 week school holidays for punching a girl at school. And I was sent to my uncle's place for mg punishment, while my mother took my 2 youngest siblings to do fun shit. However this was no punishment. My uncle was cool as fuck, with the best collection of books. The last book I read while I was there was Trainspotting. I immediately decided that I needed to try heroin, because if it makes people feel even 1/50 of how it makes people feel in Trainspotting, then it will get rid of my self hatred and anger and vitriol and disgust with my body. I then began borrowing books about heroin and heroin addicts from the local library, which is where I came across one of my top 5 all time favourite books "Candy" by Luke Davies. My diary then became a weird combination of incredibly in depth and graphic assault/torture/murder fantasies against specific persons who were named; love poems to Eric Harris; and plans of things I am going to do on heroin.

The year 2000 continued in the exact same vein as 1999. Except that in May we were each sent off to do a week of "work experience" which is basically send a bunch of high school kids to be free manual labour. The place I chose to DJ my work experience at was a youth drop in centre called Shopfront in the northern suburbs. The reason I selected it was because under the services section it had Needle Exchange Program. And this helped me with one part of my plan to try heroin, where to get clean needles. (In Australia, clean needle programs are not only legal, but government funded, and are a really important service). In my week of work experience I learned all about the needle exchange program.

I then laid low and began counting down the days to my birthday, because that was when I would try heroin. The months ticked along, and suddenly, it was the week before my birthday. So I enacted step 1 of the plan. I went to the exchange and got a fit pack (a plastic container filled with 10x30g 1ml insulin needles, 20x alcohol swabs, 10x vials of sterile water, 1x disposable spoon, and the plastic container had a special part to place your used syringes. I took it home and hid it, and then at 2am when everyone was asleep, I practiced injecting myself with sterile water. It took 3 tries to figure it out, and from then on I got it almost every time. It seemed almost too easy.

September 2nd. My birthday. Unfortunately my plan would have to be delayed until the 6th, because my dad was working til then. And it was his birthday gift of $100 that would purchase the heroin for me. Finally our dinner arrives. I play the dutiful loving daughter, inside I am a mess of nerves and excitement. Dinner ends he drops me home. I take my antidepressant that is also a sedative and fall asleep. In the morning I dress in my uniform. In my school bag, I pack a change of clothes (baggy black jeans, a black singlet abf and my denim jacket covered in patches and graffiti). I catch the train into the city and instead of catching the bus to school, I duck into the toilets and change into my casual clothes, then catch the train to Shopfront.

I get there at around 11am, walk up to counter, and ask for a fit pack. The volunteer hands it over no questions asked. I go outside and sit on the bench between the carpark and the entrance. I smoke cigarette after cigarette (luckily I roll my own cigarettes, otherwise I would have run out waiting for the man [lol had to get a Velvet Underground reference in somewhere]). After an hour or so, a new Mercedes pulls into the carpark and a very well dressed Vietnamese man in his late 30s or early 40s enters shopfront barely glancing at me. When he comes back out however, he makes a beeline for me.

"Ya chasin?" He asks. "$100 of smack'! I reply. He tells me to jump in his car, and we drive to a inconspicuous suburban street. He parks the car and reaches under the seat and pulls out a container filled with tiny water balloons all filled with powder. He hands me a purple one, then asks my name, which I tell him, then he asks where I live, and I tell him Port Adelaide. He offers me a lift home cos he's heading that way. I agree. We talk the whole drive, and when we pull up at my place I pull $10 out to pay him for petrol but he declines. Before I get out he hands me his business card, with his PAGER, home phone, and mobile number and tells me he's open 8am to 8pm. 7 days.

He leaves and I go into the empty house. I go to my bedroom and I take out my fit pack and the heroin. I mix up the tiniest amount and inject it, I feel nothing. I wait 5 minutes then repeat with the same amount, still nothing. wait 5 more minutes. Getting frustrated. Try a 3rd time, same again nothing. So I figured fuck it, and I put like 4x the amount in the spoon. I mix it, I inject it, and as soon as the plunger moves I feel it. It is heaven. It is perfection. It is god. It is love. It is every single thing that I had ever imagined it and more.

For the first time in my life, I'm not angry, I'm not vitriolic, I'm not filled with self loathing or disgusted by my body. I feel safe, and warm, and loved, so very very loved. I then travel to my school and withdrew from everything, so I never have to see those cunts again. Then I go to a coffee shop I know needs workers and get a job working midnight to 8am for $150 a night. It's great.

By the end of the 1st month it only lasts 5 days.

By 3 months its 2 days.

By 4 months you need one daily.

This continues for 18 years 11 months 25 days. At your heaviest usage you are spending between $750 and $3000 a day on heroin.

3 years after that 1st shot of heroin, you try meth. And fall in love with that took. At your heaviest usage you are using $850 a day, on top of the heroin.

All your time is spent fucking strangers for money.

Then everything falls apart. You meet husband. And he makes you want to live. You are using around $200 of heroin and $150 of meth, hubby is using around the same. You both decide to cut right down. And eventually you get down to 1 fucking point of meth every 2nd Sunday, as a reward. And some fucking random cunt decides to be a smart ass about your face, without knowing just how fucking far you have fucking come. But fuck you anon. You think I give a shit