we could be married (and then weâd be happy) - chp 6
Part one || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Epilogue ||Â AO3
Hey, everyone? Itâs the last chapter (apart from the Epilogue). After spending the night with Jaskier, Geralt wakes up alone. Jaskier has to decide what to do next, now everything has changed. RATED E. 9.1k words. No warnings, really.
For @inber, whom I love, and betaâd by @greyduckgreygoose đ
~
The low, off-white glow of the shaving light above the bathroom mirror was all Jaskier could cope with right now, his eyes too sensitive for anything stronger. He stared at his reflection, hands braced to the cool porcelain of the sink, rivulets of water dripping down his face.
He wondered how heâd managed to work himself into this state. Heâd crawled from Geraltâs bed and into the bathroom in a half-daze, sleepy and satiated, but a few moments alone away from the warm, cloying air of the bedroom had woken him to the reality of the position he now found himself in.
Because having left Geraltâs bed, heâd need to decide if he would return. If he could return. And that thought - the choice of what to do next - had mingled with the satisfaction of last night and the renewed intensity of his feelings to leave panic nipping at him, threatening to take hold. Splashing his face with water had done nothing to calm him: all it had achieved was yet another mess, waiting to be cleaned up.
He peered at himself in the mirror. The pale light made the bite marks on his neck and chest look darker than they really were, festooning his skin in red and purple stains. He dragged a single finger over one of them, wincing a little - it didnât hurt, of course, but it made him shudder regardless.
Goosebumps erupted over his flesh. Jaskier sighed, breaking his own gaze, running his hands through his tangled hair. There was a flash in the mirror, and he paused for just a moment, fingers pressed to his scalp, before lowering his hands and stepping away from the glass, feet sticking to the cool, tiled floor.
He was naked, wearing only bruises and the ring.
It had been - gods - more than heâd dared for. More than heâd dreamed of. When he closed his eyes he could still see Geralt coming apart beneath him, could still hear his breathing, his panting moans. He didnât even need to concentrate to feel Geraltâs lips still caught around his cock, his tongue hot and wet and urgent.
Of course Geralt had been good. Of course he had. He was passionate and brilliant about everything else: why would sex be any different? Jaskier should have known from the way he spoke in the museum, from the careful care he put into all aspects of their lives, that heâd be just as attentive in the bedroom, typically brilliant.
The itch remained resolutely unscratched. Jaskier had hoped he would be satisfied, but now he just wanted more.
Could it happen again? And if it did happen again - what would that make their relationship? Casual, perfunctory sex, a way for them to get off without all the entanglement of dating and searching and chasing? Just friends, still, despite the rest?
Jaskier wasnât sure he could bear it. He didnât want just friends: he hadnât wanted that for a long time. He wanted more. It was a selfish, grasping urge that left him feeling guilty and desperate: He wanted Geralt to be his. Before, heâd been ignoring it. Geralt wasnât his, and he had to try to let go of that single, burning wish. But after last night he couldnât overlook it any more. It wasnât even the sex, wasnât the way Geralt had gasped his name, the way heâd carefully and attentively satisfied him.
It was the museum. It was an evening with Geraltâs family, the way heâd taken his arm - taken his hand. He wanted the soft intimacy of being together so much that it hurt.
But Geralt didnât feel the same way: it was obvious that Geralt wanted him, but not like that. He wanted his body and his hands and his lips - even if it would just be for one night - but not the rest.
Jaskier had rather bitterly memorised Geraltâs choice of romantic partners - both long-term and short - had weighed himself against them, and found himself wanting. He was bright but he wasnât clever, was too flippant, too silly, struggled to even hold down a job, let alone anything else. He didnât have that steely conviction that Yen did, all brilliant sharpness with - heâd been told, many times - a softer core beneath. He was just soft, soft all the way through. He wasnât as politically aware as Triss, not as patient as Regis - although he doubted anyone was.
And that was fine, obviously. It was fine. There were dozens of people out there - plenty more fish in the sea - people who wanted someone like him. Jaskier wouldnât change himself for anyone, even if that person was Geralt, and he didnât go much in for moping and self-loathing, but he understood in that implicit, unspoken way that all the things he was were not the things Geralt wanted from a partner, a fucking fiancĂŠ. It wasnât Geraltâs fault, wasnât some hidden cruelty - it was just a fact.
Besides, Jaskier thought: he was good at this. Very good. If Geralt only wanted their relationship to be roommates and shopping trips and friendship and - yes - sex, then he could give that to him. He wanted Geralt to feel good, and he was going to make him feel good - make them both feel good, even if, afterwards, he ran the risk of only furthering that ache in his chest.
There was another risk, though. One unimaginably worse than the fact that Geralt didnât love him back.
What if this ruined everything? Last night heâd been too consumed with feeling, too lost in the chance to gain what heâd chased for so long, to think about the consequences beyond getting his heart thoroughly smashed. What if seeing Jaskier come undone beneath his hands, to have his cock in his fucking mouth, was too much? Heâd been so focused on Geraltâs touches that he hadnât considered the much more likely ramifications of sleeping with him: that, after everything, theyâd no longer be able to stand one anotherâs company without it being forced and awkward and - that word again - weird.
There was a chance - more than a chance - that tomorrow, forced to confront each other in the harsh daylight over coffee and soggy toast, that it would be too much. That the warmth of their shared space would mutate to something else: something unpleasant. Friendships had been ruined over less. There was a reason why people told you not to shag roommates, after all.
Heâd need to leave, if that was the case. This was Geraltâs house - it was his name on the mortgage. If Geralt found it too awkward to be around him, if this was the beginning of the end, then he would have to find somewhere else to go.
The thought of being away from Geralt only added to the pain, making his stomach tighten in knots. He didnât want to leave. Even if every day was agony and every night was silent loneliness, he didnât want to leave.
Last week, Geralt had told him he didnât know what his life would be like without Jaskier in it. It had been a lie, of course: a well-worded line, part of their foolish game. But he understood, now, what he meant. He couldnât imagine his life without Geralt. They were too entangled, too crucial to one another.
Or at least, Geralt was crucial to him. Was it the other way around, too? Would Geralt feel the ache of his absence as much as Jaskier would his? Or would he simply move on - would Jaskier be relegated to an occasional friend, an acquaintance, until - finally - nothing at all, just a memory?
If Geralt needed him to leave - to leave not just his bed, but his home and heart too - then he would. He could never make that choice himself, he just wasn't strong enough, but if it was demanded of him then heâd never fight back. He wouldnât cause Geralt pain - even if that pain was only brought about by simply existing beside him.
But he wasnât gone yet. Hell, Geralt might even ignore the awkwardness, might invite him to share his bed again: there was no reason for Jaskier to assume that Geralt wouldnât be interested in a repeat of last night.
There was a dull, constant ache that started in his core and rose, painful and prickling, to his chest, to the gap where his heart was supposed to be. He could feel it building, a wave of panic, the familiar feeling of being too trapped within his own head to think straight.
He breathed in and out, trying to focus, trying to count the seconds between inhales and exhales. Geralt was always on at him toâ
He released the breath in a quick, hot gasp. It was not a sob.
He knew, then, with iron certainty, that he should go back to his room. He should go back to his own bed, mess or no, crawl under the duvet and stay there: stay there until it stopped hurting.
If it ever stopped hurting.
He took another steadying breath, trying to regain a semblance of control over his rapid heartbeat, the sickening feeling in his stomach. The pipes had stopped gurgling, now, so he pushed open the bathroom door, moving quietly and deliberately, stepping over the creaking floorboards in the hallway and standing at the threshold between their doors.
He hovered, for a moment. He could run, if he needed to - he could go back to his room and Geralt would never even need to know that heâd been trapped, immobile between two painful choices. To leave would be to wholly give up on whatever had passed between them last night, to turn his back on it. To stay would force him to actually deal with it, when Geralt finally woke - but in exchange, heâd have just a few more moments by his side.
It would be two hours - maybe three, if Geralt turned out to be a heavy post-orgasm sleeper - to bask in the feeling of being with Geralt before everything crumbled around him, if it was to crumble.
When he thought about it like that - well. The choice was easy.
He pushed open Geraltâs door, leaning heavily against it to better control the swing, edging it along the carpet. It moved with a quiet hiss, and he winced even at that low noise. He only opened it a crack, then darted into the room through the slim space between door and frame. He left the door open: Geralt was a light sleeper, and the click of the door shutting could wake him, ruining everything.
Because, of course, he couldnât catch Jaskier sneaking back in. Staying in Geraltâs bed was fine - it would be natural to stay there till they woke, curled around each other in that warm, satisfied bliss until the sun came up. But leaving and coming back - sneaking back in - was far worse, somehow. If Geralt caught him now, tiptoeing around the bed, then heâd know that the thing that had passed between them was something more, something more impassioned than simple sex.
If it hadnât meant anything, then Jaskier would have left.
Geralt would ask him why he was back. If he had decided that this would never happen again, he might even be annoyed and tell him to leave. Heâd realise, with horrible finality, what Jaskierâs feelings really were, leaving them both to deal with the fallout.
Part of him was shocked that Geralt hadnât already worked it out. Priscilla had realised years ago, and Lambert and Eskel certainly brought into the lie easily enough that they too must have realised at some point that he was quite terribly in love with their grumpy brother. Maybe Geralt had just never thought to look - too close to the whole thing to really see. Maybe heâd so firmly categorised Jaskier as his friend that to see him - or their relationship - as anything else would have been too absurd to even contemplate.
His back to the door, pressed in the corner of the room, Jaskier peered down to the bed where Geralt lay on his back, his hair spilling around the pillow. The curtains were open just a crack, and the light coming in from the streetlights outside illuminated his white hair like a crooked halo. Jaskier swallowed heavily. Geralt was asleep, his eyes lightly shut, his chest rising and falling in slow, gentle rhythm.
Where heâd moved in the bed - where Jaskier had moved beside him, too - the duvet had fallen away, revealing the smooth planes of his chest and shoulders, the curve of his arm slung up over his head. Jaskier felt his heart stutter, absurdly, his fingers twitch with the urge to reach out and touch him.
He had been foolish - stupid and ignorant and entirely wrong - to ever believe that allowing himself one night with Geralt would cure him of his feelings, would let him toss them aside. Now he knew what Geraltâs skin felt like, the ropes of his muscles under his hands, the crush of his lips against his own - not perfunctory or practical like it had been before, but real and hard and wanting.
He knew the noises made Geralt made when he came, and he would never - never in a million years - be able to forget them.
He tiptoed closer to the bed, avoiding the piles of hurriedly discarded clothes from the night before, including his own boxers, crumpled beside the bed. He pulled back the duvet, taking care not to disturb it too much, and slowly - glacially slowly, his heart thundering - slid back beneath it, lowering himself down onto the mattress. He realised, with another little sting in his chest, just how much he was interrogating every thought, overthinking every movement. He would be doing it for a while, he suspected, no matter what happened next.
The bed was still warm, the sheets soft and welcoming beneath his skin. It smelt of sweat and sex and Geralt - a wholly comforting smell, enveloping him as he slowly pulled the duvet over himself. He was grateful that Geralt wouldnât be able to hear his heart: if he had, the drumming surely would have woken him by now.
He lay, just for a second, waiting to see if Geralt would stir. He didnât: didnât even shift to accommodate the sudden weight beside him, didnât change his breathing, didnât even twitch. He must have been deeply asleep to not even unconsciously notice Jaskierâs slow return.
If he was so deeply asleep⌠perhaps Jaskier could risk a little more. He shuffled closer, slowly moving towards him, searching out the heat of Geraltâs body. He hesitated again, watching and listening for a sign that heâd disturbed his friend, then carefully slid his arm over Geraltâs chest, pressing himself against him beneath Geraltâs raised arm, his cheek on his shoulder.
Gods, but he was warm. He felt so good against Jaskierâs side, so right, like he could lie beside him forever and never grow tired of the way their bodies fit. He closed his eyes and let his hand slowly creep up Geraltâs chest, up towards his neck, aware that he was virtually clinging to him but failing to find the will to care - unable to stop himself.
He breathed out, feeling his frantic heart begin to calm.
And then Geralt moved. He shifted the arm that Jaskier was nestled beneath, moving it down, hooking it around Jaskierâs side and pulling him close. Jaskierâs breath caught, his eyes fluttering open. Perhaps he had a scrap of deniability, here: it wasnât his returning to the room that had woken Geralt, but his sudden closeness. Jaskier could claim that heâd been asleep, or nearly asleep, and mindlessly clung to him while lost in a dream, like he had done so many times in the night.
âAhââ he breathed, forcing himself to sound casual and sleepy. âDid I wake you up?â
Geralt tugged him even closer, making his heart stutter. âNo.â
Thank all the gods for that. He was about to respond, but Geralt kept talking.
âWhere did you go?â
Jaskier froze. Shit. âYouâŚâ his low voice cracked. âYou were awake?â
âOnly after youâd gone.â
Heâd noticed. Heâd woken to an empty bed, noticed Jaskierâs absence and had lain there, pretending to be asleep, while Jaskier had crept back in.
âOh.â It was all he could manage, aware of how close he was to tumbling over a cliff edge.
âI thought youâd gone back to bed,â Geralt continued. âYour bed, I mean. You⌠you can. If you need to.â
Jaskier swallowed, looking up at his face. In the low light, it was impossible to read Geraltâs expression, but his voice had sounded unsure. He would go back to his bed - if Geralt wanted him to. But that uncertainty was too tempting, too dangerous. He had to know.
âDo you need me to?â
There was a long, heavy silence. Jaskier was glad that he couldnât see Geraltâs expression, now.
â...No,â he said, finally.
Jaskierâs chest squeezed. His heart fluttered against his ribcage, trying to escape. Geralt turned, twisting around till they were face to face, closing both his arms around Jaskierâs body.
âJaskierâŚâ his hand had made its way to the small of Jaskierâs back, resting there, fingers lightly twitching. Jaskier felt himself shudder, alert to every tiny move Geralt made. âIn the museum, you asked me what I wanted. What do you want?â
His ribs were going to explode, his heart was going to give out. He should say nothing. He should say nothing at all - keep his secrets trapped behind his teeth, keep them hidden in his hollowed-out chest and let them die there.
But he couldnât. He couldnât, not with Geraltâs arms wrapped around him, not with the slow and quiet and somehow heartbreaking way heâd spoken.
âI wantâŚâ he hesitated, fingers twitching together between their bodies, heart thundering so loudly it might deafen him. âI want to wake up in your bed every day. Not because weâre having a phenomenal amount of sex, but because itâs the place where I sleep. I want to be hereâŚâ He flexed his fingers, pressing them to Geraltâs chest, âforâ âforeverâ âfor as long as youâll have me.â
Geralt stilled. He didnât even appear to be breathing, just holding him, just waiting. Fuck. Jaskier knew, immediately, that heâd said too much: but it was a relief, too. Even if Geralt turned him away, even if he swiftly removed him from his bed and his home and his life, at least the truth was out there, now, horrible and ringing and real.
He couldnât bear the silence, though. Geralt twitched, a little, as if he might be about to speak, but Jaskier got there first, rambling over whatever heâd been about to say, his voice quick and stuttering and growing too loud for this shared, close space.
âWhy couldnât you at least have the decency to be bad in bed, hmm?â He tried to make it a joke, tried to make it hurt less. âIâd hoped, stupidly, that maybe last night would get it out of my system. That Iâd be satisfied, and could leave it at that. Yet...â he stopped, and the truth caught up with him once more, like a wave drowning him. âYet here I am.â
It was so quiet. Outside, a car hummed past. Geralt moved, finally, pulling his arm away. Jaskierâs stomach dropped, his heart a sudden, clenching stone in his chest, winding him. This was it. This was it.
Then - almost desperately - Geralt grabbed his hand, their fingers slotting together in the hot space between their bodies, pressed against their chests. Jaskier could feel Geraltâs heart pounding against his skin.
âHere we are.â Geralt breathed, barely more than a whisper. âIn the restaurant, you told me to pretend. To make something up. I didnât. You have changed my life. And I donât want to imagine what it would be like without you.â
It was like heâd sucked the air from his lungs, like the room was spinning around him. âGeraltââ
âI love you,â Geralt spoke quickly, forcing the words out, his expression taught. âButââ
âBut what?â Jaskierâs voice cracked. I love you, butâ
Geraltâs face was set into a frown, a little grimace, unable to keep Jaskierâs gaze. He licked his lips, brows furrowed. Jaskier wished, desperately, that heâd just look at him - just see him - so he could read him properly.
âBut...â Geralt swallowed. âMy life is⌠routine. With someone else you could have excitement. But with me itâs just⌠watching TV and going to Tesco and arguing over who has to unload the dishwasher.â
No. It was absurd. How could Geralt think that was enough - that any of that was a reason not to love him - not to need him with the fierce, unfair intensity that he did? He couldnât help it - he burst out a laugh, short and loud - and then Geralt looked at him, his expression showing nothing but hurt.
âGeralt, noââ Jaskier squeezed his hand, feeling awful for laughing at Geraltâs earnestness. âTruthfully⌠once, yeah, I wanted excitement. But Iâm not twenty-one anymore! I want going shopping and watching TV and getting in each otherâs way in the kitchen, and I want it with you.â
âButââ
He cut him off. âBut nothing. Youâre a terrible grump and youâre stickler for details and youâre always moaning at me and I love you, you stupid man.â
And then Geralt was kissing him. He crashed his lips against Jaskierâs, desperate and needy and awkward, their noses bumping, their hands sandwiched between them. Jaskier laughed against his mouth and kissed him back with equal feeling, unlinking their hands, wrapping his arms around him.
Jaskier was quickly losing count of all the ways heâd kissed and been kissed by Geralt, but this: this was different. Like removing a mask, dropping an act, allowing himself to feel him, honestly and openly. He didnât need to pretend: didnât need to pretend that it was fake, but also didnât need to pretend that he wasnât in love, that everything that was happening was spurred on by appetite alone.
It was thrilling, the vice that had been constricting his chest finally giving way, his heart free. He breathed into Geraltâs mouth, laughing, like if he didnât touch him he might die.
âI love you,â he said it again, against Geraltâs lips, âI love you,â against his jaw, âI love you,â his neck, his collar, his chest.
He whispered it to the palms of his hands, to his wrists, until Geralt tugged him back with desperation, locking their lips together, exploring his mouth with his tongue, nibbling on his lip. Jaskier arched against him, splaying his fingers over his chest, pressing himself as close as he could - lit up from the inside.
Eventually, Geralt pulled away, leaning his forehead against Jaskierâs, one of his hands pressed to his nape, staring into his eyes. So close, like this, it didnât matter how dark it was: it was like Jaskier could really see him, for the first time.
âJaskierâŚâ even Geraltâs voice made him shudder, âI love you.â He kissed him, brief yet tender. âI should have told you.â
Jaskier grinned. âAnd I should have told you. Itâs been years, for fuckâs sake.â
He kissed him again, drunk on it, then stilled.
âHold onâŚâ A thought, sudden and a little scary, pinched at him. âDoes this mean - Geralt - does this mean weâre actually engaged? Because while I do love you and everything, that might be a little - ah - soon?â
Or - or was it too soon? If Geralt asked him, right now, if they both wanted it - would he say no? He wasnât so sure that he would - if he even could. But this was so fresh and new and soft, full of potential fragility. He didnât want to risk a future with Geralt by tying it down too soon.
âThat is, ahâŚâ he realised how insulting he sounded, too, as he rambled âIâm not saying never, of course, just that maybe⌠maybe not right now, if thatâsââ
Geralt cut off his chattering before he could wind himself up any further. âJaskier.â
He finally stopped to breathe. âYes?â
âItâs fine. Youâre right. Itâs probably too soon.â
Probably.
âYeah. Yeah, it is.â He swallowed. âProbably.â He nestled closer to Geraltâs chest. âWe might be awful together, anyway.â
He didnât believe that, of course, and judging by the low laugh that rumbled up Geraltâs throat and the kiss he pressed to his forehead, neither did Geralt.
âAnyway,â he continued, blithely, âif we really were engaged, Iâd want a ring that I didnât buy from the market for a tenner, thank you very much.â
âIs that right?â
âThis one is a little plain, I think. And it turns my finger greenâŚâ
âHmm.â
Geralt reached for Jaskierâs hand, examining his fingers. He pulled off the ring, peering at the skin below. Jaskier felt somehow even more naked than before without it, like a final defence had been removed. But it wasnât real, it never had been. This tingling, fearsome thing between them now - Geraltâs muttered I love yous - that was.
Geralt turned, the ring in his hand.
âWait,â Jaskier said, quickly. âJust⌠donât lose it, okay? Itâs⌠itâs important.â
If Geralt thought his request was unusual he certainly didnât show it, simply placing the ring carefully onto his bedside table before turning back to him. He linked his hand into Jaskierâs again, squeezing.
âHas it really been years?â He muttered, half sincere, half amused.
Jaskier frowned, mentally replaying their last conversation, then grinned, ruefully. âYears,â he admitted, with a sigh. âIâ hold on.â
âWhat?â
âWhat about you? How long have you⌠have you felt like this? About me?â
Geralt ducked his head, and Jaskier could feel his fingers twitching. âA while,â he admitted, eventually.
âAnd how long is âa whileâ, exactly?â
Geralt shrugged. âJust⌠a while.â
Jaskier huffed, rolling his eyes. âYouâre terrible. Youâre terrible and I hate you.â
âNo you donât.â
âUrgh,â he kissed Geraltâs fingers where their hands were pressed together. âI donât. You bastard. I canât believe we didnât figure this out sooner⌠Gods, everyone else fucking did.â
âDid they?â
âI mean⌠your family must have at least had an idea, considering how unsurprised they were⌠even Ciri noticed. Priscilla twigged that I was in love with you ages ago. Even fucking Valdo knows⌠everyone but you.â He laughed. âClearly Iâm not as subtle as I thought. How didnât you realise?â
It was a wholly rhetorical question - and he didnât need an answer, not really - but Geralt looked away from him, peering at their hands. âI never thought you would⌠love me.â
It sounded like a struggle - a difficult, painful admission.
âWhy?â Said Jaskier, aghast.
Geralt shuffled, a half-shrug against the bed. âI thought⌠itâs you. Why wouldâŚâ he sighed, and Jaskier pressed closer, aware of how hard this must be for him - to spill his closely-guarded feelings. âI couldnât see why youâd love me like that. Like I love you. AndâŚâ
âAnd?â
âWhat if Iâd told you, and ruined it? It would have ruined our friendship, and youâd have gone. It was better to just... Leave it be, and keep you.â
It was such a soft confession that Jaskier felt his heart break a little, felt his stomach drop for the Geralt whoâd spent so long believing that he wasnât what Jaskier was looking for - wasnât what he needed. It was a painfully familiar thought, too - one theyâd both wallowed in.
Jaskier thought back to the previous night, to Geraltâs attentive, eager caresses, the way heâd touched him till he was trembling and insensible. And then he realised - quite all at once - why.
âYou were telling me.â
âWhat?â
âLast night, I thought⌠I thought you were just, you knowâŚâ he shrugged, âexceptionally good in bed.â Geralt raised his eyebrows in a smug little half-smile. âAnd, of course, you were. You are. But⌠but that wasnât it, was it? You were trying to make me feel good because⌠because...â He faltered.
âBecause I love you.â
âI, well, yes,â even now, that made Jaskier stammer and blush, âbut itâs more than that. You were⌠trying to show me how much you cared. Am I right?â
âI wanted to make you feel good. I wanted toâŚâ
His skin was flushed and warm against Jaskierâs hands. He could feel his heartbeat quickening again - and more, lower, could feel Geraltâs cock twitch, already teased by their desperate kissing.
âYou wanted to what?â Jaskier asked, voice low, edging closer till their lips drifted over each other.
Geralt edged just fractionally closer, and now Jaskier could feel more than just a twitch - more than the suggestion of arousal, the ghost of what had happened last night. He was hesitating, Jaskier realised, choosing his words carefully.
âI wanted you to know,â he said, slowly. âAnd⌠I wanted to be good enough for you.â
Jaskier felt his chest squeeze. Geralt sounded so sad, so sincere. He couldnât help but kiss him, cupping his jaw with one hand, pressing their mouths together.
âYouâre too good for me, if anything,â he whispered. âFar too good.â
âIââ
Jaskier could tell he was about to deny it, about to spout more humble nonsense, so he silenced him with another kiss, moving their lips together, hoping Geralt knew how wrong he was.
âAnyway,â he said, pulling away. âWhat about you?â
âWhat about me?â
âI want youâŚâ Jaskier swallowed, thickly. âI want to make you feel good too, you know.â
Another quirked lip, half smile. âDid you not last night? Certainly felt very good.â
Jaskier batted at him with his fingertips. âYou know what I mean. I didnât even realise that you spent all bloody night focusing on me and I didnât spare a single moment for youâŚâ
âYou say that like it was a trial. I wanted to focus on you.â
âBut you didnât have to.â Jaskier was finding it hard to say, exactly, what he meant: the gap between them, the unfairness, the sudden realisation that Geralt had tried, in his own way, to tell him he was in love with him without having to say it
âI want to make you feel good, Geralt,â he repeated, moving closer, keeping his voice deliberately low.
Geralt said nothing - but Jaskier could feel him moving beside him, feel his interest pressed into Jaskierâs hip. Tentatively, slower than the frantic kisses of before, Jaskier brushed his lips against Geraltâs, testing, tasting. He moved his hands, fluttering over Geraltâs side, down towards his hips. Geralt hummed into his mouth, and Jaskier pressed his thumb into the delicious curve of Geraltâs hip bone, the perfectly sculpted line where his leg met his stomach met his crotch.
âWill you let me?â He asked, finally.
Geralt looked back at him, his lips parted, and even in the early morning darkness Jaskier could see how wide his eyes were.
~
Still sensitive from the night before, those sparks still tingling beneath his skin, Geralt could only sigh into the crown of Jaskierâs head as he pressed hot, wet kisses against Geraltâs chest, tonguing at his neck. His body was responding eagerly to Jaskierâs movements, his prick already half-hard as Jaskier heaved his hands to his shoulders and pushed him onto his back, slinging one leg over his hips so he could straddle him where he lay against the sheet, lowering himself down so Geralt nestled in the cleft of his arse.
He kissed him again - mouth, jaw, chest - then leaned back, his hands slowly trailing down from Geraltâs shoulders to his hips, tracing little circles with his fingers to the soft skin below Geraltâs navel. He was still naked, but Geralt could only see the dark outline of his silhouette hovering above him. He reached up, placing a sturdy hand to either of Jaskierâs thighs, thick and warm beneath his palms.
âYou should turn the light on,â Jaskier muttered, his hands moving tantalizingly close to Geraltâs crotch.
Geralt blinked up at him. âWhat?â
âI canât see you in the dark. I want to see you. Youâve got one of those fancy dimmable bulbs, donât you?â
Geralt raised an eyebrow, wondering just how Jaskier knew that, but did as he was told, leaning over and switching the bedside lamp onto its lowest setting, filling the room with a muted orange glow. Jaskier was suddenly illuminated, the dim light softening his edges, casting blurred shadows across his face, his chest, the strong lines of his thighs. Trapped beneath him, Geralt could only gaze up, his breath caught somewhere below his ribs.
âThatâs better,â Jaskier purred, âNow I can actually see youâŚâ
In this light, Geralt could see Jaskier properly - his dishevelled hair, his cheeky, permanent grin. But he could also see the trail of dark bruises starting on his neck and sneaking downwards, across his collarbone, over his chest. He hesitated, then sat up, causing Jaskier to tip into his lap, wrapping his arms around Geraltâs shoulders so he wouldnât tumble back onto the bed.
Geralt reached out to skim his fingertips over the largest bruise, Jaskierâs skin warm and soft.
Jaskier peered down, following his movements. âOh, right,â he said, chuckling. âIâve got that concealer still, and Iâm pretty sure thereâs a turtleneck at the bottom of my wardrobe. Iâll cover them up before Ciri...â he spotted Geraltâs expression, trailing off. âWhatâs wrong? Youâre not about to get all maudlin and say you hurt me, are you?â
Geralt swiped his finger back and forth across the blemish. That had been his first thought, one that heâd quickly pushed aside, remembering the noises Jaskier had made when heâd trapped his skin beneath his teeth.
He surged forwards, folding his arms around Jaskierâs body and pressing his lips to the bruise, opening his mouth against it. This time, he didnât nibble or suck or edge his teeth across Jaskierâs skin, but kissed it, softly and lazily. Jaskier made a little startled noise before sighing into the touch, relaxing against him, twisting his legs around his waist for better balance.
âItâs likeâŚâ Geralt growled against his neck, inhaling him, âAhâŚâ
He couldnât finish that sentence. Couldnât complete the thought that was so dangerously possessive. He didnât need to, though, as Jaskier arched back, lips parted.
âLike Iâm yours?â He breathed, looking down at him.
That thought sent another shockwave through Geraltâs body, down his spine, and Jaskier grinned wolfishly at him as Geraltâs cock hardened even more.
âWell,â he drawled, moving his legs and manoeuvring Geralt back down onto the bed, âtheyâre a little more enduring than a ring, arenât they? You canât just take them offâŚâ He leant above him, his expression thoughtful. âAlthough they do fade⌠youâll have to make sure you do something about that.â
Before Geralt could reply, Jaskier kissed him hard, huddling him against the bed. He let one hand press into the side of Geraltâs throat, sneaking beneath his head to dig his fingertips into the buzzed hair at Geraltâs nape, while the other inched down his body, the lightest graze against his ribcage, his stomach. Geraltâs skin lit up where he touched him, his core tightening, his heart thundering once more.
He stopped just short of actually grasping Geralt, of touching him where he ached for relief. He moved his kisses to Geraltâs neck, nibbling at his ear, taking the soft flesh between his teeth with a little tug that made Geralt mutter out a bitten-off swear.
Finally Jaskier released him, edging backwards, sliding himself down his body, peppering it with small, fluttering kisses. Before his lips could reach Geraltâs cock, he leaned away, perching just above it once more, his hands pressed to Geraltâs stomach.
He paused there, above him, his expression hungry. Then at last wrapped his hand around Geraltâs cock, gently at first, then squeezing, rubbing his thumb across his head. Geralt arched into the touch, thrusting into Jaskierâs hand, desperate for more. His other hand moved from Geraltâs hip and down, sneaking between Geraltâs legs, cupping quickly against his balls and then - lower - edging between his cheeks, towards his entrance.
This - this had not been what Geralt was expecting. Jaskier must have noticed the way he stilled beneath his body, because he froze, the hand gripped to Geraltâs cock loosening a little.
âDonât stop.â
The words slipped out before Geralt even knew what he was saying. He realised - with sudden certainty, with a sureness that made him gasp - how much he wanted to feel Jaskier inside him. How much he needed it.
Jaskier seemed less certain, still reacting to the way Geralt had hesitated. âAre you sure? I should have asked, I justââ
âPlease.â
In the orange light, Geralt could see Jaskierâs expression shift - the worry morph into something hot and urgent. He smiled - slowly - and then began once more to stroke Geraltâs cock in long, languid strokes, shifting his fingers, teasing at his hole again. Geralt twitched against him, ready and eager, and Jaskier hummed with a little smirk.
He stroked his cock again, dragging him out, pressing harder with the tip of his finger. Geralt bucked against him, pushed down, wanting more. From his position on his back, staring up at Jaskier, Geralt could see Jaskierâs cock jutting up between them, too, feel it knocking against his stomach. He was about to reach out - to feel the hardness beneath his palm - when Jaskier stilled.
âHold on,â He said, looking around. âDo you have, um, or shall Iââ
Oh. Of course.
âBottom drawer.â Geralt indicated with his head. Jaskier half-slid off of his lap, Geralt immediately missing his touch, then lowered himself off of the edge of the bed and reached for the drawer, his naked arse sticking in the air above Geraltâs legs. The sight alone was enough to make Geralt stiffen even more with an appreciative hum that Jaskier certainly noticed, giving his hips a cheeky wiggle. Geralt couldnât resist - he reached up, grabbing, cupping.
Jaskier laughed - âGeralt, you cad,â - then swatted his hand away. âHow can I find anything in this mess while youâre trying to distract me, hmm?â
Geralt satisfied himself with another quick squeeze before moving his hand away. Jaskier resumed his searching, pushing things aside, untilâ
He made a soft little gasp. âOh, Geralt.â
Geralt suddenly remembered what else was in the drawer. Shit. What if Jaskier didnât - what if he thoughtâ what if he was expectingâ
âIââ
âNow, tell me,â Jaskier arched back, a pair of black leather cuffs dangling from one hand, âare these for you, or for....â he hesitated. â...for your partner?â
Even watching Jaskier fiddle with the cuffs, running his fingers over the soft fabric lining, made Geralt's cock throb. He imagined being pinned beneath Jaskier, bound and begging, or Jaskier beneath him, arms up, wriggling and eager.
âDepends," he managed, voice low.
âOn?â
âLots of things.â
"How intriguing,â Jaskier grinned. âPerhaps⌠next time, then.â He casually let the cuffs fall back into the drawer, before pausing, looking smug. âOh, Iâm allowed to say that now, arenât I?â
âSay what?â
âNext time. Before, I was so sureâŚâ he nibbled at the inside of his lip, then grinned again. âAnyway. Next time.â
He leant back over, returning to his rummaging. Geralt wasn't too sure what he was finding in there - although he could make a reliable guess. Judging by the excited little noises Jaskier was making, Geraltâs concern that Jaskier was about to judge him was completely unfounded.
Finally, he pulled back, the shiny wrapper of a condom in one hand and a little bottle of lube in the other. He examined the lube with an apparent expert eye.
âThis is the good stuff,â he said, eyebrows raised. âI wasnât aware you were a connoisseur, Geralt.â
Geralt shrugged, watching as Jaskier positioned himself above him. Jaskier appeared to be watching him as carefully as he was watching Jaskier, as if worried that at any moment he could change his mind, like it all might disappear. That was certainly how it felt: like it was too good to be true, like it could be a dream, and at any moment he could wake and would be alone, again.
But the pressure of Jaskierâs arse against his prick was real enough, the feeling of Jaskierâs hands on his chest was real, the tingle of where his lips had brushed at his neck. Jaskier placed both condom and lube to one side, slowly crawling back up Geraltâs body, his eyes hungry. He kissed him again, and Geralt couldnât resist - sliding his hand between their bodies until his fingers brushed against Jaskierâs rigid cock, wrapping his fingers around the shaft, tugging.
Jaskier gasped into his mouth, so he did it again - adding a little twist, another tug. He was hotly hard, and Geralt could feel a sheen of pre-come coating his tip. He rubbed his palm against that spot and Jaskier groaned again, then finally pulled back.
He leant away, scrambling for the condom and fiddling with the shiny wrapper. Geralt could only watch as he pulled it out, slipping it over his cock and tossing the spent foil to the floor. Next, he took the lube, popping off the cap with a dextrous flick and dripping it across his cock, across his hand, squeezing it between his fingers.
Geralt watched, enraptured, hyper-aware of Jaskier perched above him, of what he was intending to do next. He slid his slick hand between Geraltâs legs, and Geralt jerked instinctively as he touched him, his finger edging at his hole.
And then, finally, slowly, he pushed in. Geralt released a breath he hadnât even realised heâd been holding, relaxing his body, arching back against the bed. It was full and tight but not enough - and Jaskier seemed to read his thoughts, slipping a second finger inside him without needing to be asked.
Geralt sighed, and Jaskier grinned. âThatâs it,â he breathed, âGods, Geralt⌠is that okay?â
In lieu of responding, Geralt pushed down against him. Jaskier moved a little quicker, and Geralt could feel him quirk his fingers - finding the sweet, heady spot inside him that made him feel like he was lighting up - like he was tumbling.
âCan Iââ Jaskier started, one hand pressing against Geraltâs hip and the other squeezed beneath him, âDo youââ
âYes.â
Jaskier slowly pulled away his fingers, leaning back, swiping the remaining lube across his cock before reaching down, pulling up Geraltâs legs, kneeling beneath his arse and positioning Geraltâs legs across his thighs. He stroked himself once, twice, then positioned himself against him, poised there - waiting - his hands cupped beneath Geraltâs arse.
Geralt could feel the tip of his cock, slick and hard, pressed against him. Then, slowly, he pushed - easing in with a long, low sigh. Geralt could feel the edge of that familiar burn, but the slight pain was nothing compared to the exhilarating sense of fullness, broiling in his core, filling him. Once he was inside him, Jaskier stilled, pushed to the hilt - and they paused together for a moment, breathing one another in.
The feeling was intoxicating - but Geralt wanted more.
At last, well aware of how much he was teasing him, Jaskier began to thrust, the burn morphing into just a heady fullness, tight and deep - deeper than Geralt had even considered possible, making him grip his hands into the sheet below. Jaskier moved back and forth, building it, starting with deliberate, slow thrusts that quickly turned sharp and immediate.
Now heâd adopted a steady rhythm, Jaskier reached for Geraltâs prick, taking it in a firm grasp. Geralt moaned, aware he was being loud - and not being able to care. He squeezed his eyes shut with a gasp as he pushed back against Jaskierâs hips, moving in tandem with him.
âGods,â Jaskier muttered, âYouâre beautiful, Geralt. You feel so goodââ He groaned, squeezing harder, moving faster, âso good.â
Geralt couldnât respond, his breath catching - his lungs full and burning. Jaskier continued to talk, muttering soft, choking praise.
âListen to you,â he said, âyouâre so⌠youâre marvellous, Geralt, brilliantââ
It was all too much - Geralt wasnât sure heâd ever been complimented like this before, and in other circumstances he would have told Jaskier to fuck off. But he couldnât, now, and with Jaskier buried within him and his mind only able to focus on that enveloping feeling, he was forced to accept that it was true, that Jaskier meant every bit of foolish flattery.
âJaskier,â he breathed, his name hot and sticky on his tongue.
Jaskier huffed a short laugh - a breathy exhale. âYes,â he mumbled, âGeralt, say it...â he swallowed, âSay it again.â
âAh - fuck,â Geralt panted, feeling that warm, familiar ache building in his core, threatening to spill over. Jaskier clearly liked hearing his own name like this, racing before a climax. A cheeky impulse grabbed at him. âJulianâŚâ
Jaskier froze on the thrust, buried inside Geralt, his hands pressed hotly into the backs of Geraltâs thighs. Geralt laughed - he couldnât help it.
âI can stillââ Jaskier chuckled, the words strained, âI can still leave, you know. Take it all back.â
The sensation of Jaskier laughing at him - at the cheeky use of his discarded, thrown-off name - sent vibrations rushing from the point where their bodies met all the way through Geraltâs core in a torrid wave.
âNo you wonât,â he said, goading him, clenching around him and making him gasp.
Jaskier stuttered again - possibly a swear - before resuming the rhythm. He was steady and sure and powerful in a way that Geralt hadnât seen him before - it was devastating. Having Jaskier over him, like this, having him inside him, was new and wild and somehow safe, somehow comforting, like through the careful touch of his fingers and the confident movements of his hips and cock he was holding him close - showing him how loved he was.
âFuck,â he muttered, feeling himself drawing closer, âfuck.â
Jaskier showed no sign of slowing, tugging at Geraltâs cock with one hand while the other supported the curve of his arse, keeping him steady on top of his knees. He matched his pace - the stroking of his hand to the steady thrusting of his hips - and Geralt could feel himself falling to pieces, all of the sensation in his body coiling and building and concentrating to a single, burning point. Jaskierâs mumbled affirmations drifted over him, soft and constant, burying him.
âAhââ Jaskier breathed, squeezing him harder, fingers slipping, âYes, Geralt, youâre so good, so goodââ
It was too much, all too much. It was like a dam had burst inside him, years of silent longing building up and over, drowning him, carrying him along.
âI love you,â he mumbled, the words raw and panted. âJulek, I love youââ
And that was it, that was all he could take, his whole body shuddering as he spilled into Jaskierâs hand. Jaskier hissed through his teeth, managing two more thrusts before he, too, came with a hot gasp and a long, broken sigh. He kept his hand on Geraltâs cock, easing him out of the orgasm, and they stilled, for a moment, neither of them moving. Geraltâs heart was thundering, his ears ringing, his skin tingling all over in a sheen of cooling sweat.
Slowly, Jaskier drew out with another soft hiss before letting himself fall heavily on the bed next to Geralt, letting out a deep, contented breath. He swallowed heavily, Geralt watching the movement of his throat, still peppered with bruises.
âHmm,â Jaskier peered at him, his eyes heavily lidded. âWell, then.â
âWell then,â Geralt agreed, quietly.
âI love you too,â he mumbled. âIâm not sure I quite managed to say it back, just now.â
Jaskier shuffled forwards and kissed him drowsily with another one of those satisfied hums, then with a pained groan he sat up, reaching once more for the box of tissues. When he finally deemed himself suitable, he crawled back into the bed, back into Geraltâs waiting arms.
Geralt held him there, feeling his heart beating quick against his chest, his breathing slowly calming. They lay tangled in each other and Geralt wondered - not for the first time - how this had happened. Yesterday, it would have seemed impossible.
After a few minutes, Jaskier let out a sigh that skittered across Geraltâs chest, and finally spoke.
âWeâre going to have to tell your family, you know.â
âI know.â
âAnd we need to tell them the truth, this time, alright? I donât want you telling them weâve just, I donât know, decided not to get married but are still together. You have to tell them everything.â
Geralt kissed the top of his head. âEverything?â
âWell,â Jaskier wiggled his shoulders, brushing his hand in little circles across Geraltâs chest. âNot quite everything.â
âTheyâre going to think weâre idiots.â
âWe are idiots,â said Jaskier. âWhat about Ciri? Are you going to tell her tomorrow, or phone her, or what?â
Geralt considered this. âI want to tell her in person,â he said, âalthough I donât think sheâll be surprised.â
âI⌠yeah,â Jaskier slumped against him a little. âI still feel bad about that.â
âDonât. I think sheâs probably been expecting this for a whileâŚâ
âWhat about Yen?â
âWell, I was thinking you couldââ
âOh no, no way.â
Geralt chuckled. âIâll ring her later. And we can tell Ciri together?â
âDeal.â Jaskier paused, for a second, his hand still. âAre you sure you want to tell everyone? I just⌠I donât want to force you if you donât want everyone knowing aboutâŚâ
âAbout us?â
âNot us, really, just⌠I know you keep things to yourself, sometimes. I donât want to make you do something youâre not ready for.â
Geralt hesitated. He couldnât imagine a world in which heâd want to keep this hidden. They spent most of their time alone, of course, aside for Ciri - but he didnât want to pretend, anymore. He didnât want to stop himself from pulling Jaskier close, from holding his hand, from kissing him whenever he wanted to.
âNo,â he said, finally. âI want them to know.â
âGood,â Jaskier said. âI donât think I can keep up with any more pretending.â
âHmm.â Geralt relaxed against him, basking in how warm he was, how soft. And then he remembered. "Where did you go?"
Jaskier looked up at him. "I'm right here?"
"Earlier. When I woke up and you'd gone. Where did you go?"
Absurdly, Jaskier began to blush. He'd had his prick inside Geralt not ten minutes ago but now he was blushing.
"I ahâŚ" he hesitated. "I needed a piss."
Geralt laughed - he couldn't help it. Jaskier scowled at him, the blush deepening.
"Next time I'll just piss in your bed, then, shall I?"
Geralt rolled his eyes at him. At both of them, really: he'd woken alone, convinced that Jaskier had left him unloved and alone, when really he'd just been emptying his bladder.
Fucking typical.
"Please don't."
Jaskier moved up the bed so their heads rested against the same pillow, then nuzzled against Geraltâs cheek in what appeared to be an attempt at a half-hearted kiss. âWhatâs the time?â He said, his words muffled.
Geralt turned to look at the alarm clock as best he could without dislodging Jaskier. âNearly quarter past six. Donât you have work?â
âI booked it off,â Jaskier sniffed, âIâd assumed Iâd be getting utterly smashed last night, and Iâd either be too hungover or terribly broken-hearted and distraught this morning to go in. What about you?â
âBooked it off weeks ago.â
âExcellent,â Jaskier shut his eyes. âThat means I can do this for a couple more hours, at leastâŚâ
Jaskier yawned, and Geralt pulled the covers up a little higher, to better cover them both. Usually he would get up if heâd woken this early, even on a day off, but with Jaskier plastered to his side he didnât quite feel the need.
âSo,â Jaskier hooked a leg between Geraltâs, sliding his arm across his chest. âWhat did you have planned for the day? Iâm assuming it wasnât, you knowâŚâ he kissed him again, â... this.â
âSurprisingly not,â Geralt muttered. He hadnât really planned what to do with his day. He suspected that, rather like Jaskier, heâd assumed that the day would be lost to the emotional hangover of the night before - that heâd spend the day quietly mourning what heâd never had.
He didnât have to, now.
âIs there anything you want to do?â He asked instead, leaning his head against Jaskierâs on the pillow.
âI need a shower,â he sniffed. âI really need a shower.â
âWe both need a shower.â
âOr a bathâŚ.â Jaskier paused, thoughtfully. âIs the bath big enough for two?â
Geralt shrugged. âFor us? I doubt it.â
âHmm,â he sighed. âShame.â
âWe need to tidy before Ciri comes tomorrow, too. The kitchenâs a mess.â
âUrgh.â
âAnd we need to do a shop.â
Jaskier grumbled. âA big shop?â
âUnfortunately. Food, toiletries⌠we need toothpaste. Bin bags, bleach...â
Jaskier groused again, twisting beneath the duvet so he was facing the ceiling. âMaybe I was wrong about not wanting excitement anymoreâŚâ
âWhat if I buy you a bottle of wine?â
âInteresting propositionâŚâ he said. âCall it a bottle of wine and a cake, and youâve got a deal.â
Geralt peered towards Jaskier from the corner of his eye, watching him. That little fear bit at him again - the worry that all this wouldnât be enough for him - but he pushed it back. There was an ache in his chest, his legs, in his core - a comfortable throb. If Jaskier didnât want this, he knew, he wouldnât even be there: heâd have left hours ago.
Jaskier sniffed. Geralt stared at him - his messy hair, his sparkling eyes, the trail of marks on his neck that disappeared below the soft cover of the duvet. Later, theyâd wash away the sweat of last nightâs - and this morningâs - adventures, but those marks would remain. So would, he suspected, the little green stain around Jaskierâs finger: at least for a day or so.
As if feeling his gaze, Jaskier turned, eyebrows raised.
âYouâve got that face on,â he said. âWhatâre you thinking about?â
He was thinking about last night. He was thinking about that morning - Jaskierâs lazy kisses, his urgent thrusts. He thought how later, washed and dressed and irrevocably changed, theyâd go to Tesco and buy potatoes and washing up liquid and pasta like the world hadnât suddenly started spinning in a different direction, taking both of them with it.
He licked his lips and shuffled forwards, pressing their foreheads together.
âYou.â
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