#look... whatever man i'm just gay

[skrunksthatwunk]

so the eikichi-centric kuwabara fic is going well

#it turned into kuwameshi. it was supposed to be a small bg part but um. yeah. woe.. feelings realization + gay awakening be upon ye #it's mostly just an excuse to write my love for rascal into my silly guy kuwabara. plus i get to put characters in (cat) situations which #rules imo. and now there's also poor poor kuwababy gay panic stuff happening. i can't help it man likes dudes. unavoidable #anyway i wrote like. 6k words today. my hand hurts but also im not done bc i've been chipping away at this for a month and i can't stop now #that i've actually got momentum on it. my brain is going at 16 km/hr and i'm living it up babyyyy. hour um 10 or so probably #hey i'm not one to look a gift hyperfixation in the mouth okay #yyh #kuwameshi #nyarla dni #just wrote that line and started losing my shit bc again i'm on like hour 10 of writing today. maybe more? shit i don't remember whatever #thought it might resonate with y'all or something hallelujah

[facetsofthecloset]

i'm sure it's been said but i feel like both Raxtus and Ronodin can be argued as "the only gay kid in the family and consequently shunned/rejected" and it's like. so weird bc Mull is so Mormon he'd probably rather eat his shorts than even acknowledge the possible existence of gays but

i mean. Raxtus literally has a fairy form. he's a fairy dragon.

Ronodin was just emo lol

and they both get so thoroughly rejected and sidelined by their families their whole lives and it turns Raxtus into an awkward but basically decent guy who runs back to the approval of his family once he's performed masculinity/violence enough to be accepted, only to then realize that he's basically just being used and still not fully trusted/accepted and having to betray them to save his real friends

(who sadly are probably actually homophobic but that's ok bc they're not dragon-phobic so that works out for him)

while Ronodin's like "fuck it. chaos and murder then!" and can you really blame him? he spent his entire life trying to conform to the "right" (in this case, Light) way of life, started spending time with the outgroup and learned to question things, then was told he was "too corrupt" to remain in his home

like. the symbolism is right there.

it's so funny, because sure Raxtus isn't a bad guy, but Ronodin definitely is and he pretty much gets sent to a type of hell at the end of Dragonwatch

and while Raxtus gets kind of a happy ending, like, him becoming an effective killer in a war and being accepted by his dad for being Good At Murder in the first Fablehaven series is presented as a happy ending. if Celebrant didn't wind up being the main villain for Dragonwatch, that probably would've been the end of it! gay kid learns how to soldier and is finally accepted by his homophobic family bc he's finally aggressive enough for them to love him

(i mean i have MANY issues with Celebrant being the main villain later and the reasons he's framed as bad but like. that's a separate rant lol)

the queer reading is right there. but also it's very bad and you can tell completely unintentional. or at the very least highly repressed. idk man i don't look into Mull as a personal individual bc i doubt i'll like what i see and i don't care that much but Dragonwatch was SO MUCH MORE MORMON than Fablehaven already was and it's so weird, seeing the fingerprints of it all over.

i feel like he either has a new editor or he's been doing this for long enough and sold enough books that he has the clout to veto changes made by editors or SOMETHING, bc i feel like? he's gotten worse?? and more unfiltered?? that or something happened and he's like. even more religious than before or something idk

like fablehaven was just kinda generic/bland fantasy with some fun ideas for magic items/powers/one sentence character premises, with just a hint of sus Mormon ideology, and then Dragonwatch just went. Full Mormon.

but then there's somehow even more weirdly queer shit. like. he's repressing so hard he's approaching queer from the other side??

idk man i wish this deeply mediocre man's writing wasn't a formative piece of middle school reading, leading to me still giving more of a shit than i really should over questionable children's literature now

#i mean it seems like his wife may or may not have divorced him between the series's so maybe that had something to do with it #i didn't look too deeply into it i just kinda guessed from his about the author blurbs wording changes #also wtf was up with the weird borderline piss/humiliation kink thing in the latest candy shop war book? #like. that was. that was not funny at all if it was meant to be comedic. like the execution was SO BOTCHED if so #and if it wasn't??? it was just????? UNCOMFY??? #sorry i'm tired and kind of delirious and for whatever reason this man's writing's squandered potential still haunts me #like genuinely if i ever publish original fiction there's a good chance it'll be fanfic of this with the serial numbers filed off #like 'MINE I'LL DO IT /RIGHT/ OK GIMME' #fablehaven #dragonwatch #i know ronodin is overrated and like. yeah he's not really a sexyman to me but he IS still compelling as a character #i think he's funny i wanna be his therapist #like stereotypical him lying down on a chaise longue thing #but also i reserve the right to make fun of him so like. not a very ethical therapist lol #get it all out queer boy let's get you to a gay club and find some fairies who WILL accept you #just cool it with the murder and the manipulation a bit y'know

[youcanthandelthetruth]

so what gets me about those ~sweet~ coming out stories where the kid gets up the courage to tell their parents and "oh yeah we've known since you were five" or whatever

is like if you knew. all that time. why would you have done nothing to make sure your kid knew it was okay? like go get yourself some gay friends or openly support gay rights or whatever or just say directly hey if you were gay that would be cool with us. why would you leave that a subject of doubt and fear for your kid? like I get that the format of the story, the emotional hook, is that it feels scary to come out but then everything was fine and they loved us anyway and nothing about our relationship to our family has to change, yay! but then you take a step back and the question is just there, if you knew this about your kid and loved them anyway this whole time why didn't you do anything to let them know?

(anyway i'm saying gay because i'm yelling at the emotions bait coming out acceptance stories that were everywhere 5-7 years ago but it goes for all queer identities)

#i dont even see those stories around anymore so this is 90% old man yells at cloud #but i've been thinking a lot as Sweet Bean gets older #he still doesnt seem to have really noticed genders yet. and he acts like a pretty typical cis boy #but like if he did turn out to be a girl what am i doing or what can i do to give him some childhood memories he can look back on fondly? #idk his mom and i both paint his nails and he loves that. #and elucubrare correctly suggested i bring him clothes shopping and let him pick whatever appeals to him #idk i'm trying to create a trans-friendly childhood for my kid who has given no indications of being trans #and its just making me mad at people who claim to have known their kids were gay and just did nothing about that

[britneyshakespeare]

i had a really weird interaction on youtube the other week. i commented on a short tv clip of someone gay doing something funny a few years ago and i said smth sweet and generic like “oh wow that’s cute i love him” and it became a top comment so sometimes i still get notifications of ppl liking or replying to it. 

but for some reason, you know how faceless people on the internet will say their most shallow and judgmental thoughts to a real person like it’s not the rudest thing you can do? yeah that happened. i had left the most impersonal, inoffensive comment in the world but someone responded to me “just admit you’re only entertained bc he’s obviously gay and you project your lack of a personality onto that”

and i was just like. honestly shocked. like what? you literally don’t know me at all. i didnt even say I WAS GAY in the comment or anything about being gay it was LITERALLY just a tv clip i thought was funny and cute. but this angry homophobe who clearly just hates to see queer ppl have fun and make jokes on the internet made it *my* problem...

and like first of all i don’t do that. i don’t just identify w everyone i come across who is queer and funny and root for them for that reason alone. the only person i project my lack of personality onto is dave davies... ok... chill out that’s not what i watch jeopardy for, that’s why i listen to the kinks

#the clip itself wasn't even about being gay it was just a guy doing a snap #OBVIOUSLY GAYYYYYY #i mean the guy was gay but like. get a life? get a life #tales from diana #get it right. i'm very specific w how i project my lack of personality onto real people i can overly-personally identify w okayyyy #ok~ teehee :) #seriously though what a catty fucking homophobe #im not even a gay man. my life and my taste in art has definitely ALWAYS INCLUDED LOTS OF QUEER MEN ok but am i one? no #and that's fine. they're part of my community very much but i don't look at every single one and am like 'omg youre so me bestie' #dave davies is the only (arguably?) queer man i project myself onto. and he had to be a complete dandy and musical genius to earn that #(dave davies actually doesnt identify as queer but he does speak openly about his experiences w men... he grew up in a different time #and he's allowed to identify however he likes its not my business. debbie harry is kind of in the same boat saying shes straight now #but used to be bi... let the boomers say whatever they want as long as theyre not policing us which neither of those ppl are) #(personal identification is personal) #this whole post is Not That Serious btw in case this needed a tone indicator

[brianwilly]

hmmm ok stranger things fandom didn't even flinch before yelling "queerbait" just because a ship didn't happen huh

#Stranger Things #Will Byers #Mike Wheeler #look I ain't gonna shill for this water-treading season or anything #but c'mon #i don't care how much you hate the show or whatever #there was just no chance in any hell that Mike was going to get with Will #just zero percent possibility it was ever going to happen #if you thought there was then I just #I dunno what to tell you man #there was no chance #it's 2022; we HAVE to stop throwing that word around every time some poor gay baby has unrequited feelings #(and then sometimes when there isn't even that) #i'm in the tags now and people are even saying it's queerbait that NANCY didn't turn gay like holy shit #what show are you even watching

[brw]

I FUCK WITH WONDERWITCH BUT I SWEAR IF THEY BRING THAT RACIST WONDERBREAD BITCH BACK AND HAVE WONDY FUCK THAT VERSION OF WAN... NOOOOO! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!! YOU DON'T DESERVE A PIECE OF THAT ASS!

i'm hoping so bad they keep these characters apart... i'm thinking they will but this also is very much so me trying to manifest good things. like with the direction they've taken "wanda" in it makes very little sense to suddenly pair her with simon, especially considering the vision/simon link isn't there. of course, they could potentially incorporate that link in vision quest (a la applying the way vision got brainwaves from alex lipton onto simon, but that would be dumb), but i would be surprised if they did, because "wanda"'s stuff and vision quest seem to be very different tonally and narratively compared to what they seem to have planned for simon.

additionally, the era they seem to be adapting the most, wonder man v2, didn't really use wanda as a love interest so much. she was there a little, but most of the focus was on two civilian woman that were unique to his series, as wanda was a part of WCA and couldn't be consistently brought in. plus, in that series, simon was uh, mutant racist verbally in front of wanda, and wanda also took advantage of simon for sex so i really would be surprised if they went down that route for their relationship

tldr; i don't think they will bring in scarletwonder in the mcu, and if they do, well, you'll see me on live tv murdering kevin fiege and the B99 writer guy with my bare hands.

#asks #anonymous #mcu wonder man #mcu wanda maximoff #here's hoping! i'm generally of the opinion it wouldn't make sense to bring wanda in bc she's on SUCH a different path in the mcu #and ms whitewashed coming in to have Silly Satirical Hollywood Times with simon doesn't make sense when she's just back from trying to #murder a child so i'm assuming the focus will be on whatever ginger and alex look like in the show and that's the romantic pull #UNLESS i've gay posted enough and they're going to queercode him with freddy from WCA v1 but you know. i'll compromise.

[little-flame-prince]

listen i love frodo/sam and gimli/legolas as much as the next nerd but i object to them being called gay. sam goes home to have like a million children with his wife and gimli can't shut up about how hot galadriel is. clearly these men, at least, are bi.

#this is mostly a joke but also bi erasure in fandom is Kind Of A Problem #was ranting to my housemate about this the other day re: Scum Villain's Shen Qingqiu too #like he canonically expresses interest in women also so it just seems to make more sense to call him bi and not gay #like have whatever headcanons you want and write whatever fic you want and stuff! i'm not gonna stop you! #thats the joy of fiction and fandom you can do anything with the characters #but i am gonna side-eye stuff real hard when it looks like obvious bi erasure is happening #on a different note is aragorn/boromir a big thing at all? #cause I Would Like To See It #they did an A+ job casting for the film version cause like #literally almost every man and woman in those films is Very Nice To Look At #anyway i'm very off topic now so i'm just gonna hit post

[48787]

So, as it turns out, my capacity for tyranny is actually fuckin huge and I'm really fucking good at it

I have so many more things to put in my book now

Peace Through Tyranny will be real circa 2048 and it'll still be sued by fucking Hasbro

#yippie peace through tyranny!! #matrix visions #So many fuckin matrix of leadership and matrix of conquest visions it's fucking unreal #A few days ago woman came up to me and my latest victim and was like “So what's wrong with you two?” #and then she started talking about the Bible. So I matched her by happily talking about my Bible study and shit #And she got taken aback and asked “So why are you living a life of sin?” and without hesitation #“Sin? What sin? Do you see any sin on me?” dressed as the most obviously queer person imaginable with a mask and cap on blocking my smile #and most of my telling facial expressions. She looked me up and down for a moment and went “Oh. Oh I see.” and then started talking about #where she's from and before she got to the “we don't dress like that there” part i go “Oh cool #I've got family there!“ which wasn't a lie because lying is inefficient and asked where she was from in her own damn home state and she #just got flustered. Eventually she fled with a smile on her face and I don't know what the hell she saw when she said “I see” #Maybe she realized I wasn't gonna stop talking. Maybe she realized I knew what I was talking about. Maybe she remembered the golden rule! #But to be completely honest I think she just realized she literally couldn't tell what was in my pants and didn't want to risk #the ego damage of realizing “Damn I can't actually tell who is and isn't trans even though I keep saying I can” #Because if she called me a man I'd nod my head. If she called me a woman I'd nod my head. This shit ain't nothing to me man. #I'm just. So glad my friend who I was taking care of this for didn't turn around and show off the literally Satanic shit she was wearing #Anyway that was the most opely hostile interaction but imagine that stretched over the course of a week #And I made them all fucking smile. Gave em the Lucitron Razzledazzle. or whatever lol #The Matrix of Deception really fuckin did light my darkest hour I can tell you that much. The other 2 were giving so many visions too. #There was even plenty more to the lady I mentioned but god. I am so fuckin good at tyranny it's unreal #I am a MACHINE that turn REACTIONARIES into FAGGOT LOVERS #And I'm coming to a State near you!! #Thinking it's the “Gay Agenda” means you've already fallen for my literal communist plot

[righteousdelusions]

i think in getting too old for tumblr

#I find the sexualization of that guy from the dungeon show pretty silly specially because he's not framed in a any particular sexy way #it's like: oh cringe #You're just convincing yourself this guy is hot because it's a popular thing to do on the gay site #Maybe I'm too much of a hater but I don't have to understand it #Just... Cringe #Ajsjsjdk #'oh but cringe is dead live and let Live' #You guys can do whatever you want! And I can cringe at you thirsting for a guy who looks low-key silly #anyway it's not even like it's subversive #In hella straight places there's this saying #A man is like a bear the more ugly the more beautiful #It rhymes in Spanish #So yeah I still think the most subversive stuff is fetishizes beautiful boys sorry I'm with the fujos in this one #izzy.txt #And once again: cringe

[my5hiningstars]

.

#.......if ur gay i recommend Not watching a time called you on netflix :/ #actually bullshit i sat through 8 episodes of headache for rowoon's cameo and that's actually fucked #if someone braver than i has watched the whole thing and wants to tell me how it ends please just put me out of my misery #literally the most homophobic way to have done that #they took kill your gays to the next level of what the actual fuck did i just watch #i'm not tagging this for anything i'm disappointed but not surprised...... #like y'all they just fucking killed a man??????? for what?????????????? so they wouldn't have to kiss????????????????? #this is what i get for looking at facebook i literally wouldn't have known abt this show but literally every other rec'd post was abt this #oooo i'm gonna kill a man >:( #(specifially whoever wrote this bullshit) #(and by that i mean i won't watch their shows) #this SUCKS #also it looks like it doesn't even resolve properly from what i've seen searching ://// #i haven't even gotten to whatever the 'suicide' warning was for #kinda don't want to.......

[the-cimmerians]

It's 2024. I have been participating in fandom for 40 years. This is a ramble commemorating some history I've experienced along the way.

In 1984, I attended my first convention, and made a beeline for the one long row of covered tables in the Dealer's Room that was, according to the whispered lore of my friends, 'the one'. "um", I said, very suavely and coherently, except for how it was totally the opposite of those things, "I'm here for the... for the, uh. For-"

"Come around here," the man behind the table said with exhausted ennui, so I went around, and he lifted up the table skirt next to him and pointed to rows and rows of boxes underneath the line of tables. "It's all under here."

It was all under there. Along with about five older ladies with glasses, graying hair, cardigans. Flipping through slash zines and chatting in whispered voices like old friends (which of course they were). I noticed one of them had the good sense to be wearing kneepads. I was still too young and ablebodied to need kneepads when crawling on a carpeted floor, but I immediately found her preparedness skills to be both impressive and hot. "You're new," one of the ladies whispered to me--a bit warily, which made sense. "Are you sure you're in the right place?"

In the faint light (the kneepads lady had also come prepared with a flashlight, additional practicality hotness points for her) I grabbed a comb-bound book with a heavy line art piece on the cover, featuring a musclebound Captain Kirk getting righteously and enthusiastically plowed by a stern-yet-ebullient Spock. "This," I said, pointing helpfully at the cover, like I was trying to make myself understood in a language I had only the vaguest knowledge of. "I'm here for this."

Outside at the convention, most of the attendees were wearing large homemade circular pins that shrieked 'K/S is BS!!!'1. But underneath the table, we reveled in the forbidden.

***

In 1985, I fell very hard for Starsky & Hutch fandom. Which was simply referred to at the time as 'the other fandom', because there were only two. We were upstarts. Many fannish elders predicted that it was just a phase.

***

The 'circulating library' was a massive stack of barely-legible pages that smelled strongly of mimeograph ink. When you were on the list, you would write stories while you waited for your turn, and when the big box was mailed to you, you would read everything (new finds, old favorites), add your own sloppily-typed or hastily-mimeographed stories, and then mail the whole thing to the next person. For me, at the time, it was an extremely expensive indulgence--but my favorite one.

***

By 1990, slash fandom had grown enough that I no longer knew everyone in it, which was both thrilling and a bit daunting. A young woman at a convention waited for me after a panel I was part of (I think it was 'writing impactful smut' or something like that), and said she had a question she didn't want to ask in a group setting. I'd heard that before. I said that's fine, go ahead and ask; and she came out with: "Why do you have to be gay?"

I blinked. "Is... that a problem?"

She looked annoyed. "Yes, because your stories are on all the recommendation lists and in all the top zines, but if you're gay and I read something you wrote and I get hot from it that makes me gay, and I'm not gay."

"Wow." I grinned, I couldn't help it. It probably made me look very predatory-dyke-about-to-score-a-toaster. Whatever, it was enough to make her back away from me fast.

When I thought about it later that night, I wondered what it would be like not to be the only queer person in slash fandom.

***

By 1997, slash started appearing on the internet. Many fannish elders claimed it was the death knell of slash fandom, or dismissed it as 'just a phase'.

***

Anyway, I wrote all this for myself as a commemoration of sorts, but if you took the time to read it--thank you. Love you, fandom. I always will.

1 In those days, m/m fandom was known as 'slash', which grew from the fannish shorthand where 'K&S' meant a story of Kirk and Spock having adventures or tribulations or what have you, and 'K/S' meant a story of Kirk and Spock getting it on (Kirk divided by Spock or Spock into Kirk--it was mathy fannish humor and I was into it then and I still am now). Slash was decidedly unpopular in the fannish world in 1984, and there was a concerted effort to force slash authors, artists, and fans out of 'mainstream' fannish public life. Hence, under the table.

#fannish shenanigans #fandom history #rare ass personal post

[transzilla]

How To Suck Roid Clit and Tdick Like A 6Gal Bauer ShopVac

So I'm a trans man and I fucking love trans men and they love fucking me. I minored in t4t gay sex in college and giving head has always came very naturally to me as a specialty, administering orgasms has never been an issue but a lot of people have difficulty figuring tdick out after going on testosterone or figuring themselves out and don't know how to get dudes to pop off which is tragic to me. Plus we don't really have like... sex ed about how to do that so it's not like you can pick up a book. But that's what you have me for. If you suck at giving head I'm gonna teach you how to suck the rest of someone's life away.

So everyone is different, growth might look different on different people and sometimes you'll have somebody who has difficulty popping off just cause of weird nerve endings, obviously listen to what your partner tells you and what works for them because they're going to know better. I've been around with a lot of different men and this is just what's worked for me, if you try it and its TERRIBLE then don't think you're broken or whatever, our willies are just as diverse as we are :)

Generally though tdick kind of resembles a tiny penis especially when you've been on T for a long time. Personally I've been on T for five years and have a 2 inch monster and you can kind of see where the head would be vs the foreskin or whatever. Like my favorite analogy is that it looks like a .45 caliber bullet because that's what my dick looks like when I'm looking down, lol.

Like the cap on the bullet would be the "head" and the cartridge casing is the length of the thing. Like on a guy's dick idk if anybody is getting tdick circumcized so when he's soft the skin will come up and guard the head/clit part because it's sensitive, you're going to want to find the head and kind of gently push past the skin with your tongue or your finger. Like get it on the head because largely that's the most sensitive part of his dick. when it gets bigger it kind of gets less sensitive, and you can't just rub the whole thing like on a clit off testosterone, uniform pressure might not always work. So keep your finger on the pulse, lol.

The simplest motion tht you can do, like a good part to lick on is right where the head meets the rest of his dick. There's almost a seam, kind of like on that bullet. Just rub in little circles with your tongue. Start gentle, gauge his reaction, and then go a little harder or a little faster. Also stay in one place once you get into a groove, the more you rub on one spot the more sensitive and the better it will feel.

On the very APEX tip of his dick is where most of the nerves are bundled it's going to be the most sensitive, so if you want to make him jump or if he's not very sensitive rub there, lol.

Also, once you get that down, you can suck too! You want to make a seal with your lips around his dick, almost like you're pulling on a cigarette, or like you're sucking your lips on a peach to keep the juices from falling out. This intensifies it if his dick is not sensitive and keeps it in one place if he has a big dick.

If he likes penetration fingering him at the same time is not a bad idea either.

Also, mind the teeth, lol.

#ftm t4t #ftm nsft #forced masculinization #forcemasc

[mr-ribbit]

i have so many friends that already have little quirks about them like "everyone always thinks I must be really religious but I'm not" or "everyone always thinks I must be really good at math, but I'm not" or yes, even "everyone always thinks I must be gay but I'm not".

there's a million things people run into where they might have a minor misconception they have to correct about themselves here and there, and it's usually fine. pretending that the mere act of someone asking you if you might be trans is some terrible slight is JUST transphobic. every single cis person I know personally, who isn't already a transphobe, would just laugh a little and wonder what about them came off as trans. hell, some cis people LOVE to be told they look a little queer.

i think most people would be touched if you reached out to ask about their identity, give them a chance to talk about it, even if you were wrong. a lot of cis people I know love to be like "haha I'm not trans but you know, I've always kind of liked football, but my dad didn't let me play cuz I'm a girl. isn't that fucked up?" and then you get to have a nice conversation about what you have in common anyway.

but if you bring it up to your friend and they accuse you of "converting them" or "pressuring them" to be trans? those are literally dog whistles for their true fears and beliefs about trans people. trans people "making other trans people" through mere discussion is literally a fox news level bigotry callsign. it's what your transphobic relatives and peers are saying about YOU when you bring up your pronouns around them.

any sincere cis ally would not think a mere question from a friend is capable of spreading The Trans Contagion- they're getting that idea from something rooted deeper and I would be unsettled by it if I were you.

obviously if your friend told you kindly that they didn't like it when you asked if they would ever consider being trans, then you should respect their feelings. but if you're sitting out there right now with that straw man in hand, ready to argue with other trans people for the sake of your poor little cis friend, have you also considered why your friend is so offended at the idea? like, if you're trans and you're caping for a cis friend who gets mad if you say they have tgirl swag or whatever, have you considered that their anger might actually be kind of shitty and you don't need to defend it?

none of my friends would act like that, that's all I'm saying. and if they did I'd be uncomfortable.

[spiralingsights]

ppl act like genderbends are some fucking god send and that everyone who doesn't like them is calling all of it transphobic but have any of you ever considered. it makes some people Genuinely uncomfortable

#i despise genderbends tbh #if i'm trying to look at art of my male f/o i really don't want to see him as a big tit woman #because i'm gay. i am a gay man who likes men. #transmasc headcanons ?? love em #i don't love genderbends #and i normally don't say anything about this bc SOMEONE is gonna think i'm saying that transfem headcanons #on originally cis male characters are evil and i hate them but like. no #does it make me uncomfortable when i have a transmasc headcanon for a character and F/O THEM ?? yes #but i never say anything about it bc THAT'S not a genderbend and you can have whatever fucking headcanons you like #idk why i'm making this post. i just say a post being really fucking mean to ppl that don't like genderbends #and started going into how they're super feminist and if you don't like them you're stupid and should shut up #anyway #jack.vent

[inkskinned]

you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.

you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.

he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.

a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.

he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.

you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.

people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.

wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.

also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.

he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."

you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.

"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."

he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.

you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.

is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?

you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.

#writeblr #this is a mashup of like 3 dates i accidentally went on lol #by that i mean that i was out with a woman on a date in 2 of these situations #and a man just. joined us. and we were too awkward to say anything while he tried to ''date'' me #& one was a longterm friend that i was like. you what???? #like he's nice he's a doctor and my mom was SO happy she was like raquel think about it #''it's a perfect love story you grew up together and reconnected as adults and like the same things and he's friends with ur brother #and his sister is one of ur close friends!!!'' #yes but alas. he is a boy . she only likes girls. can i make it any more obvious #anyway im tryna write about like the force of male attention being actually incredibly ingrained to women like we are SUPPOSED to like it #it's seen as the only important thing #even if ur gay #and it's a nuanced thing idk #and while rn i i.d. as lesbian #like .... it wouldn't be UNTRUE to say i am probably like ''cusp bisexual'' bc i CAN experience attraction to men bc like . #sexuality is fluid... #don't tell straight ppl tho bc they do not understand the concept that ppl don't necessarily need a solid everlasting label #they're like GET in the BOX #if ur gay & in boston i'm 30 and pretty please come kiss me. #(i usually only date older ppl sorry in advance tho)