#looking almost cis-passing masc

[darlingspup]

when i think about how i want to Look within my gender, the image of a lot of transfem people comes to mind, and that worries me a little, im not sure how to feel about it. im afab transmasc, but i think a lot of transwomen are really beautiful and id like to look like them in some ways. i worry that means subconsciously i think of them more as men than women because that's how I identify myself. Or maybe it means im not as masc aligned as I thought. I think the way transwomen style and carry themselves is really pretty, I like their voices a lot and wish mine sounded like that, I appreciate the more masculine elements they may have a lot too. I guess I worry thats wrong of me, im not sure

#maybe im just really genderqueer idk #i dont align with cis masculinity at all and when i do feel feminine i know for a fact its not in a cisfeminine way. its different somehow #the kind of masculinity i hold in myself isnt one of force and power and strength its moreso a gentlemanly kind. i love being a gentleman #i can still be strong but more emotionally than physically #a strong foundation for the people i care about to lean on. i think thats what it means to be masc to me #and to be fem? when i feel fem i feel even more powerful somehow. i feel physically attractive and confident #i know i pass as fem so when i lean into it its almost like drag. im not a girl but i look like one and i can play one real good #and i love performing. that makes me feel powerful so being fem is like a fun thing i can choose to do sometimes #long tags... oops

[davidthephoneguy]

A little (mostly Dialtown) rant of my own

Ok first of all you all need to calm down, I'm goin on this rant despite not currently being in the dialtown fandom but I was back around when the game first came out. I just feel like I gotta ask you to be calm because I know how agressive people can be online with that shield on anonymity. I also do not hate dialtown or Dogman nor do I blame them for said issues that will be stated.

Dialtown as a whole does pretty obviously have a problem about representation of fem/fem presenting characters especially in the fandom side. As a previous rant stated before most fem characters are either glossed over in favour of male/masc presenting ones, such as with the main dateables. It even extends to side characters which feels rather disheartening. Now I get why its mainly the male/masc presenting ones who get attention, I must highlight the fact that I am a Bi-Ace Transman and I tended to focus on Oliver and Randal over Karen so I was part of the problem on that part. So i get the gender serotonin of drawing them but I hope you can also see how it means that for example, Karen is almost completely overlooked. I would see myself in them because of the shared gender, I really do understand why this has been happening. You are not evil for doing this, that is not what this rant is about in the slightest. Like the previous rant before stated the game doesn't pass the Bechdal test (Which if you are unaware is a media test which requires two fem characters to talk to eachother about anything other then a man, already an extremely low bar to pass) which Dialtown does not pass. It's completely valid to have reservations about that as it is an overall problem with media at large. Media at large is still a white straight cis male dominated space and needs more diversity in all ways. Dialtown as a whole is a good game and has a diverse cast which is wonderful and amazing to see. The only issue is how some are highlighted more then others or demonized in a way that lines up with misogyny (Such as with Mingus' behavior being villainized by the fandom while Stabby and Shooty doing the same thing being ok and lighthearted in the eyes of the fandom which from an outside view just looks like misogyny I am sorry folks. If the only factor in if you like or dislike a characters actions is because they are a woman is misogyny even if they're cis or trans, misogyny is just the word for discrimination in this way) Pointing this out doesn't mean an attack on anyone, pointing out an issue is meant to bring attention to said issue so it can be improved or fixed. The previous person who I have been referencing and paraphrasing here (who I am not going to @ as they don't need more direct harassment) was slightly attacked for having a rant, yes everyone is entitled to their opinion but that does not give either side the right to actively attack the other. Please remain diplomatic.

People are allowed to highlight issues, if we don't then they won't ever get fixed. We're meant to stick together and fix things together, not attack eachother. Thats what people like terfs want us to do, they want us to tear eachother apart so that they get what they want, our destruction. We have to stand together with the things we love. My apologies for how long this ended up being but I just had to get it out of my head. Just my thoughts as a transman/voidrabbit on the topic

#dialtown #dialtown fandom #rant #rant post #mini rant #dialtown rant #my own thoughts #thoughts as a transman #mod cd

[doberbutts]

(asking in good faith) do you not think any trans men experience male privilege, and if so, do you think anyone truly experiences male privilege, and if not, what do you think male privilege is, and what sort of man experiences it?

I think that the privilege conversation as it exists both online and in progressive spaces irl is extremely bastardized from its original context to mean “have” and “have not” rather than an actual complex look at what’s going on.

Do trans men have male privilege? On an individual level, at times, if perceived as men, an individual trans man may benefit from male privilege during a specific interaction. On a societal level, it very much depends, because the transgender part of his manhood impacts the way society treats him.

Is it easier for a trans man to have an abortion than a cis woman? No, in fact, it’s often harder. Is it easier for a trans man to receive government aid? No, again, it’s often harder. Do trans men win more of their court cases? No, most of the time they lose, if they manage to survive whatever encounter led them to court in the first place. Are trans men in STEM and other high paying jobs at similar rates to cis men? Are they there more than trans women? To the first, not at all. To the second, it’s difficult to find an exact number due to these high paying jobs almost universally requiring stealth or being closeted, but I’d wager it’s probably equal. Are trans men free from worry about rape or domestic violence? No, it’s often occurring at higher rates than cis women. Have trans men historically been free from being considered their family’s property to be sold to the highest bidder for their husband? No, in fact, some trans men still experience this to this day. Have trans men historically been able to perform male-dominated or male-only jobs? Not unless they were stealth, and if they were found out they were usually immediately jailed or killed. Have trans men historically been able to own property, have credit cards, or use bank accounts in their name? No, to the point where when this began to be challenged entire laws were written up to prevent this from happening. Are trans men free from the societal shame regarding menstruation cycles? Not unless they’ve had a hysterectomy or have some other reason to not menstruate, just like a cis woman. 

Has there ever been a trans man as president or otherwise leader of an entire country? Have any trans men held any meaningful office for long enough to actually create policy and write laws? Are trans men running huge multi-million or multi-billion dollar companies? How many CEOs are trans men? How many characters in the media are trans men- actual trans men, not “trans-coded”, not “probably transgender”, not “popular fanon trans”, but actually trans men? How many of them are played by actors who are trans men and not just cis women? How many religious leaders are trans men, and how many religions value trans men as actual men instead of as woman-lite or disobedient women?

Again, in specific situations, an individual trans man who passes in the moment may benefit briefly from male privilege. A particularly lucky individual may be able to live as stealth for the bulk of his life and never be questioned. But the mistake of considering “passing privilege” the same as “cis male privilege” is especially egregious when considering that this just isn’t the life of the majority of trans men- not even taking into account that many trans mascs are not men, they are non-binary, but they are being lumped in with men all the same despite not being men or passing as men at all.

I think all privilege, not just male, is highly conditional when in individual contexts and depends incredibly on the giver’s bias rather than the receiver’s identity. A gay man may have “straight privilege” if he is closeted, and may enjoy a life free from homophobic attacks due to being perceived as straight, but that doesn’t mean society at large somehow got better for gay people. It just means he had to hide in order to be spared, and I don’t think being forced to hide is a privilege.

Rather, I think when discussing who “has privilege”, it’s better to consider the broader picture of society rather than pointing at an individual and deciding for them how their life and experiences worked. Certainly, if that individual tells you, “I’ve never thought of [blind spot]”, that is an example of that person’s privilege. But I think it’s better to say male privilege is better shown in the examples I brought up, and how it’s societal, rather than pointing to someone you don’t know and saying “you’ve never had to deal with this”.

Especially when the discussion becomes warped to the point of “trans men received male privilege from birth because they’re men.”

[up-in-flames-writing]

This is an old Twitter thread I'm posting here as an archive, when I eventually get banned on there for not tolerating transphobic abuse against me.

Still pretty relevant tho, even tho it was written almost a year & a half ago.

I'm sorry, I don't know how to do alt text, so here is the image ID under the cut:

[Image ID: A Twitter thread made by user Booker-Garet Feniks @abookandabun. The thread reads:

So, lately, I've been seeing some Takes™ on transition on here, & as a transman who looks like a baby butch lesbian, I have some Thoughts™, so here's a thread

First thing's first: I am short. I am skinny (read: underweight), & curvy. I have a more or less conventional hourglass figure. I also have a soft face, big lips & big eyes with long lashes. I keep my nails long & my hair long & when I cut them, they grow back fast

By all means, if I were a woman, I would be, if not conventionally attractive, at least conventionally feminine, with my small waist, wide hips, my long legs, & even my tiny tits. Despite this, I dress masculine. I hold myself like a man, I deepen my voice

My voice is naturally a bit deep, but not deep enough for there to be any ambiguity about what's in my pants. I still speak in a fake, deep voice, & when I introduce myself, I do it with a grin & tell everyone very openly 'my name is Booker-Garet'

Despite this, I do not pass. I am constantly Miss'ed & Ma'am'ed when I'm out & about. People who know me need to be told that I'm a man & go by he/him pronouns. Imagine that, imagine calling a teenage boy with an unambiguous male name 'she'. Imagine how I feel

How I feel when none of my efforts matter. How, when I'm at my most masculine while pre-op & pre-T, people see meas nothing more than a girl. It's distressing. I know what they're thinking, that I'm a tomboy or a lesbian. If they recognise that I'm trans, they don't show it

And, I feel like it's easy to get mad at GNC women. It's easy to get mad at the tomboys & the butches & the studs. 'They think I'm you' you might think. 'You're too visible & I'm not, & they think I'm you.'

I find it easy to blame a lot of ciswomen for this. The ones who tell me I should've just stayed a lesbian (which I never was), that I should've just been a tomboy (which I was), that I'm a traitor to womanhood (so be it). It is easy to get mad at them

It's hard being a trans guy, when the only pieces of masculinity coming from a female person people are aware of are the ones who are women, who stay women & who love being women. I didn't love being a woman. I love women, I love my cis & trans sisters

But I can't help feeling bitter when they perform masculinity & no one denies their womanhood, no one on the right side of history. But I can be my most manly self & even my allies feel that I'd just be better off as a lesbian, as a masculine woman.

As if masculinity is alright, is safe, as long as you're a woman who performs it, but the moment you're a man performing masculinity, you're not worth the time, the effort, the brain power.

Almost as I'd it's easier for people to accept me as a masculine woman, with my deep voice & my masculine name, than admit to the fact that I am a man

It's hard to admit that you don't pass. It's hard to admit that I'm not a 'real man', whatever that means. It's not, however, hard to admit that I don't have privilege. It's not hard to admit that I face misogyny.

It's not hard to admit that if you're AFAB & masc presenting, nothing short of a Thor voice & a Gandalf beard, & body hair like a gorilla will make people see you as anything but a woman. Because if I don't say this, who else will? I can't let people live a lie

I can't let people keep on believing that 'transmascs have it easier', that it's easier for us to pass. I can't let people keep believing that we 'run away from womanhood to have male privilege'. Where's my male privilege, Joanne? Did it get lost in the Owl Mail?

People will keep on believing that we have it easier, that we don't face discrimination, that we don't get misgendered & assaulted & killed. They will keep believing that, & they will keep ignoring us & our oppression, unless someone finally says 'Enough!' & tells their story

& I'm a good story teller, so I'm telling you. I don't pass, I wish I did, but I don't. Many of my brothers do not pass. Stop ignoring us just because you think we have it 'easier'. We don't, & your inaction is allowing us to get killed. Do better

End image ID]

#booker speaks #transgender #transphobia #transandrophobia

[quark-nova]

Do including t4t folks who date outside their gender include nblnb and nblm/nblw? Does it include people in these groups who are in an AMAB+AFAB relationship? IDK if this is tmi, I'm AMAB transneutral enby, my husband is a AFAB trans man. We've been together a decade , he's currently also pregnant: we're in the process of having a child. Whenever we bring up our relationship in t4t spaces, people either treat me like a cis man who doesn't belong in these spaces and as if our relationship is basically c4t MLM, or treat him as as a bi butch woman as opposed to a trans man especially when people found out he was pregnant and wasn't interested in his explicitly queer masculinity and transition making him identical to a cis man.

Plus, neither of us really pass due to how we present ourselves, I at most look like a flamboyant gay man, tall lanky hairy and bearded who plays around with makeup expression but doesn't gravitate towards feminine wear. He's gendered as a butch lesbian almost exclusively as opposed to a man, he doesn't bind which alone gets him misgendered, he wears masc clothing but a variety of factors in which he presents himself and even basic things such as how his voice sounds are enough for him to lose that association with manhood and gets him clocked. Do I need to be transfem and transition to look like a woman for our relationship to be seen as "t4t" enough? I'm not a trans woman or transfem and I'll never be, does that make me a cis invader incroaching on actual t4t people? Does he have to transition specifically in a way to fit cis centric standard of manhood, does he have to desire top and bottom surgery as opposed to "just" hormones in order to be seen as his actual gender in t4t spaces? Are t4t people not allowed to have children nautrally, does that makes us too close to cishets in their eyes for people's comfort?

We have mutual nblnb friends , same AMAB+AFAB, agender + multigender. Both of them present in ways that align with their AGAB, they're not men or women but their relationship in t4t spaces has been dismissed and treated as a "cishet relationship" constantly, with them being actively misgendered even in trans positive spaces. Are they just straight too, silly little cishets who want to hog up t4t resources from? Do t4t relationships only count as queer if they're binary/binary? If both people have the same gender? If people go through full medical transition? If they're both the same AGAB? What makes t4t inherently worthy in the eyes of people within the community, none of us are aware because we've all been actively excluded or dismissed for one reason or another, had our transness intrinsically erased due to not being the "expected" t4t couple.

The way people talk about t4t as this club which queerness is so narrow and if you fall out of what's expected for t4t you're basically straight? There are straight t4t people who are awesome and face their own isolation within queer spaces that I cannot speak on, so I won't. Having different AGABs or not being strictly MLM/WLW just feels like a quick way to get misgendered or to have your queerness and transness taken into question. It sucks. T4T is celebrated but only if you're a certian type of T4T.

Yes, both you and your friends should absolutely be included in T4T discussions! These are an extremely valuable experiences that you're bringing, and dismissing it as "c4t" or "cishet" is just misgendering. NB4NB relationships are not any less queer, and they're not "cishet lite" just for being of different AGABs - once more, it's reducing nonbinary people down to their AGAB, which is sad to see so often in queer/trans spaces.

I haven't been in T4T relationships myself so I can't comment on the isolation that some kinds of T4T relationships face, but it's absolutely true that some types get talked about more than others, creating unfair expectations for people whose relationships don't fit inside this norm. Which is sad, as subverting expectations of gender like you do is as queer as queer can be!

#t4t #trans stories

[stannussy]

A closer look to Transandrophobia

TL;DR: I think that it is GOOD as trans mascs to talk about our specific struggles that we face when taking, choosing and talking about masculinity and transness BUT I think there should be more nuance and careful as to how we approach the topic as not to fall into misogynistic patterns and other pitfalls. 

On one hand I understand the grievances inherited with begin a trans masculine person and having a cis woman try to enact transphobic abuse against you, especially if done behind the veil of femininity (seen as submissive) and you begin a masculine person (seen as inherently violent): Most of the transphobia I faced was exactly like that, try to use femininity as an excuse to abuse me, sometimes even as something to try and control me with, a monstrous masculine "other-me" that could only be tamed if I could try to be more, well, woman-y. I was just begin openly me: which is masculine. 

It's also important to point out that a lot of the blogs to first coined the term we're POC trans men, that was no coincidence, a lot of femininity, a white one to be more specific was used against MOC, it was a way to keep control over them as an insidiously evolved form of racism, that pointed at gender roles, instead of race. That’s why trans men of color we’re the first to point out the problem on certain spaces, we already knew the tactic, in this case a form of transphobia that was camouflaged to pass around more progressive circles but especially targeted trans men. 

Although I understand the issue transandrophia tries to point out (Which is transphobia but just directed at trans mascs specifically.) I also cannot get 100% behind the term because yes, we talk a lot about cis women doing the harm, again, due to deeply ingrained gender roles that even the oppressed now feels the need to correct to another oppressed group. I've also seen the glaring empty spot for cis men in the discussion, we already take them for granted to be transphobic, almost as if the abuse we get from women is worst due to already having it taken for granted that they we're going to ally with us. In a way its giving cis men more of a leeway, perpetuating the cycle of patriarchal control into the micro cosmos that is progressive spaces. We should hold other men accountable, god, we should, we all bark but no bite.

There is an inherent danger on this discussion which is again to fall into the same patterns of old; as masculine people thinking we are owed something from our feminine contra parts, companions, friends, family, etc. And the resentment begin solely that a debt not paid, instead of the actual harm which is transphobia.

The danger is attracting actual misogynist trans mascs to use the term as not a way to describe a particular instance of transphobia but to use it as leverage towards fems and not any fems, trans women would be the first affected by this, instead of the cis women (and by this I mean a group of them, not cis women as a whole, god no.) that want to perpetuate gender roles for their own gain. Younger trans mascs, trans men in particular, could fall into these bad faith actors, we already seen it with transmedicalism and of things created by POC that then are coined by white people for wildly different means. 

My conclusion is: The point is to break these cycles of abuse, we should talk about our issues, of course! But we also we should be on the lookout as not to recent our fem counterparts, cis, trans, in the middle, damn even more feminine leaning trans mascs. Just because of a few decided to use their gender as a way to enact harm towards you, that doesn’t mean it’s a rule of thumb: It might surprise you how trans positive some people turn out to be but also how misogynistic some trans mascs turn out to be.

It’s all about looking into ourselves and confront our own bias, to heal our own traumas, as much as that means a bruised ego to keep in check as not to grieve for a subconscious privilege that was promised but loosed from the patriarchy but for the actual harm that is done: Abuse, transphobia and denial of our basic right of begin ourselves. 

#transandrophobia #like i cant fucking take another round of trans men making a fool of themselves and begin fucking assholes towards trans women/cis women #like healthy masculinity i think it should be also confronting the inherent bias of living on a mysoginistic culture yknow what im saying?? #and how that affects everyone on very different levels and reactions #but for the love of god pleaseee remain kind #like i dont like the word bc it looks like a 'reaction' to trans*misoginy which again could be used by bad faith actors #but i do understand what it's trying to say #tw: transphobia #tw: misoginy

[barbedwirechain]

hi!!! I've been questioning some uncertainty in my identity and you were the first person on t I saw when I looked into the "butch fag" tag, I'm really curious about what it means to be butch and on testosterone, or being butch and navigating the world passing almost as a cis man? for lack of better terminology, sorry if it's not right.

I've been out as trans since I was a kid (almost 22 now.) and I've always went back and forth on my identity bc I don't relate with other trans men or cis men in general but I knew transitioning was what's right for me. detransition doesn't feel correct at all, I'm so happy being on testosterone. im uncertain in my sexuality but have always found comfort with lesbians and butches, and I've always felt the explanation of butch dysphoria sounded more clear to me than wanting to wake up with the body of a cis man. what I mean is I think I'm a butch fag but I don't know what that means, I don't know how or if I'm ready to come out with that. I'm afraid of my future with dating or navigating queer spaces if I claim to be butch or lesbian aligned while still presenting full beard and no desire to change that.

I don't know how to navigate exploring this at all, especially because lesbian spaces online kind of scare me since its so easy to end up following terfs if you don't know what to look for. I don't want to be harassed or make anyone else uncomfortable with my presence. I want to connect with other butches on T. do you know of anything I could do to reach this kind of understanding?

i’ll say if you already see uh butch fag in yourself or find whatever it is in me, in you you’ve already started to reach that understanding. exploring online spaces where you have unprecedented access to people with these more “complicated” identities (more accurately—identities that are generally less referenced than others or not recognized outside of the community for better and for worse) and hanging out in adult oriented city spaces helped extend my understanding of myself as butch.

the longer i understand myself as trans the more i’m comfortable frankensteining my identity (for uh lack of uh better term). i say this to explain why i call myself the most appropriate word for me “dykefag” but butch fag… or faggot butch (on T or not) has uh community precedent. there’s articles and quotes of people saying that term or uh form of it and they’re also transsexual and/or lesbian, although this was something i found only after seeing myself in the phrase.

i understood myself as uh dyke for most of my life and uh lesbian as the most neat version of my sexuality; dyke is something i’ve reclaimed being called that as uh child and call/ed myself that for over ten years now (aside from uh brief period of bisexuality). after being on T though for almost two years i noticed people are less likely to see me as uh dyke so that word begins to feel more personal and intimate for me. but butch?

butch is always exactly right. its not something i reclaimed or have complicated relationship to, i just am.

i am and i mean it with no irony or “meh”-ness; i am butch and i think i’ll die butch.

uh good two years after beginning to call myself butch and right after starting T I leaned into my lifelong attraction to butches, already holding an interest in “‘queer’ masculinities” via research in college. eventually i realized i wanted to be that. i wanted to be masculine ina way that never didnt hold uh layer of unspoken queerness. even in my current “mostly cis-man passing” form (i don’t take it as an insult, i present more masculine than androgynous like i used to for comfort and safety) i’m always butch. most people assume ima cis gay man or uh very hairy bulldyke and at some point i was like… these lines are so easily blurred because of how i decide to embody butchness, on purpose, and (what’s read as) faggotry through my attraction to other butch and queer masc people. i experienced the difference between dyke and fag fade away and began to tag my shit with dyke fag and butch fag to be in the same spaces as other gay trans people who had this line also fade away.

maintaining my attachment to being butch and loving butchness led me to follow “butch4butch” pages and explore butch4butch tags and see myself as a butch4butch gay more and more solidly. and the more i searched for butch4butch, the more i came across trans fags and nonbinary butch lesbians (and both!!). similar to going on tumblr in 2011 and finding out there were people who didn’t believe in the christian god, lex and tumblr specifically led me to uh set of trans people who embodied this faggot butchness, whether dyke (lesbian) or faggot (gay boy) identifying— not to mention all the gay boy dykes and the fagboy trannies. i found/find myself relating to their appreciation of masculinity and consideration of transness and gender noncomformity more than any other space, including ones that are for lesbians which, in my honest opinion, always end up catering to terf-bubbles or narcissist echo chambers that define themselves through gender essentialist ideas about masculinity/men of which i no longer see any viability in.

inside, exploring tags online or apps for Gay people who do Gay shit and have Sexy and Fucked up understandings of gender can help you understand yourself further by identifying and also dis-identifying with others without having to “conflict”. outside?… i rarely explain what i am. and for better or worse, i don’t try to. i let people think i’m whatever they think unless someone directly asks or when cis men try to approach me and to conceal my agab and also deny them i kinda just straight up lie and play cishet man. i recognize we exist under 20 million ___ or ___ binaries, both imaginary and tangible, new and old, outside and inside—shit even nonbinary and binary began to feel like another binary to me recently and the only thing that alleviates that is 1) going through butch(4butch) tags and seeing cis, trans, and who knows butches loving each other in coexisting without pretending they’re at war and 2) being in community with other dykesfags, or fagdykes, and butch faggots irl. and like, lesbians in person are also jus way more awesome. *whispers* like most people. i understand this is, unfortunately, only as easy as your access, space, transportation, and work and personal life allows. most of my adult queer experience is in non-sober spaces ina city that i lived around or in and that can't be disregarded or forgotten.

to wrap this up, i didnt look for em (us haha) til i felt i was one of them but We’re Everywhere. not uh majority but uh presence, and that’s enough. and if i’m being honest even if i never found any of these people, i felt so intensely about being uh butch faggot and uh dykefag i saw myself simply going with it—but going with it with the knowledge that it’s near impossible to make anything up at this point. someone has almost surely shared the idea or identity regardless of if they publicized it or let it be archived. and even as much of this response IS about that, i can’t overemphasize that even if it’s something you did made up, all alone, 200% you, the feeling is true, yea? the beauty of frankensteining your [trans] identity is seeing that you can kinda be whatever the shit you feel as long as it’s truly comfortable and honest to the time with reasonable respect to yourself and your community.

#personal #this took me DAYS to write #if you read it all jah bless you cause i didn’t after the billionth edit #butch fag #butch on T #dykefag #fagdyke #transsexual #butch4butch #masc4masc #trans fag #queer masculinity #butch dyke #trans masc #transgender #mine #long read #long text #txt #ask #answer #lesbian #butch #queerio nonsense #frankensteining #anonymous #anon

[tanadrin]

Also FtM detrans porn guy again - yes there are forced masc fics on AO3 and other places, no it is not a common kink at all. Shame.

I think part of the lack of symmetry between forcefem for MtFs and forced masc for FtMs is the way HRT works for each transition and how society treats trans people mid transition. Testosterone works much faster and (in some respects) more permanently than estrogen. Standard disclaimer, YMMV, but many FtMs on T report passing as cis much sooner than MtFs on E. On T, the voice drops, body and facial hair and acne start, and genital changes occur often within the first few months. FtMs are often assumed to be younger than they are, because they're going through male puberty late, but generally assumed to be teen boys, not women. Cis boys start puberty smooth faced and high voiced - cis girls do not start puberty deep voiced and with stubble.

On the social side, trans men who mostly pass but are read as effeminate or gay or trans are not necessarily treated well, but mostly are mistreated as failed men, if that makes sense. I would say that the bar for passing is often lower in some respects for trans men than for trans women. A short, effeminate, chubby man will likely be read as a gay guy, rather than explicitly trans, for example. On the other hand, trans women who mostly pass but are read as masculine are much more likely to be read as male, full stop. You're probably aware of the whole Man In Dress In Woman's Safe Space political focus right now. There is a strong pressure on MtFs to pass perfectly as early as possible, because a girly man in the men's locker room or a mannish woman in the women's locker room is going to be scrutinized, shamed, and shunned (in many places). It's also more likely to be harder for an MtF to pass, because the effects of testosterone are fast and permanent. There's facial feminization surgery, but much less masculinization surgery. There's MtF voice training, not so much FtM.

Connecting the social pressure to pass and the physical limitations for trans people to do so, forcefem seems like a much more immediately desirable thing for MtFs. Wave a magic wand, don't worry about stares in restrooms because you look in all ways like a cis woman. Can't argue with you about transition choices because whoops, someone else feminized you and it's not your fault at all. Reference the romance novel trope that the noncon and dubcon and men behaving manipulatively are ways to get around the inherent mortification of the woman explicitly asking for kinky sex or gifts. Contrast than with forced masc for FtMs - it's often easier to pass earlier on during medical transition, so less time spent on e.g. the bathroom dilemma. Less pressure and more wiggle room with what's accepted as Standard Gendered Presentation And Demeanor. Why fantasize when the reality is not far off anyhow?

Also side note: the ways in which cis men treat trans women as failed men or objects of sexual desire are often mirrored by the way some sections of radfems talk about or treat trans men, but I've seen almost no fetish around the latter as I have the former. I don't know why this is, but I highly suspect that the incredible number of very dedicated radfem posters on Tumblr would make it awkward. Imagine trying to run a sex scene with a humiliation kink and someone busts in off the street and starts trying to convince you it's emotional self harm and you're actually disgusting for real for being into it. Kind of ruins the whole vibe even if you kick them out mid lecture.

Anyway thanks for the post and I promise this is the last ask lol

Yeah, I think the intuition for forced feminization porn is a lot clearer to me, just because our society has for so long treated male-assigned people transgressing gender boundaries as shameful and disgusting (or even an explicit punishment), while the reverse dynamic is much less charged. Thus trans women get treated as perverts and predators while trans men get treated mostly as poor deluded self mutilating women. Both are miserable, but the sense of threat and the desire for plausible deniability of sorts in the erotic imagination seems higher in the first instance.

[sunspira]

this is really really good i've been trying to find words for it. it also leads into my feeling that a lot of white girls in general especially lily white american skinny white girls from evangelical christian south find words like beast disgusting slug gremlin as freeing and affirming and a departure from the restrictive dainty little box they were pushed into. but simultaneously a lot of girls who are not white find those terms degrading and insulting and misogynistic and not feeling to reclaim at all and are like "don't call me that 😑" because they have been boxed into a very dehumanizing and animalistic and dirty image pushed on them under racism and misogynior and have had the humanity to be seen as remotely delicate or innocent stolen from them for as long as they can remember as little girls. i think some anger towards her post coming from chicks who are not terfs is rooted in this disconnect.

i think miss cain is similar to a lot of white girls where she is completely unaware of how her white privilege impacts her self image and can make her oblivious to what words are inadvertently and inappropriately cruel and cut deep for women of color who love trans women but do not want to have their vagine called disgusting and beastly with thick coarse dark manly hair thrown back in their face by a white girl in an attempt to be affirming and feminist. by a white southern daughter of all things, which isn't exactly enormously privileged over me but comes from a world that is so , so different to me and a womanhood so linked to old americana and emblematic throughout media and is more mainstream. idk maybe if it was a black southern trans woman posting this it would feel more earned and have that affirming and box escaping impact for women of color. while coming from white queer people can be so sour tasting. now let's be really clear all that was NOT the intent and she was clearly saying all that directed at other white girls in her music scene who are very transphobic. I say this more the sense of us understanding why some trans women or trans positive onlookers from outside her very skinny white alt girl rebel scene found all that kind of obnoxious. i am always interested in how gender role defiance affirmation can be so different depending on if society has infantilized you or animalized you as a woman.

the post in question

i can definitely look at this girl and her blog and be like ok you're achieving fragile and delicate tomboy rebellious femininity better than me please don't tell me how gross dirty oily and beastly 'our' slug body is. like you're completely right ideologically and you and i should not feel ashamed of our bodies and being trans is a huge factor in this that i think gives her a lot more credence to reclaim masculinized insults. but every time girls like this do it there's some bitter taste in the mouth for sure and i think she passes so well as a cis girl who is also otherwise all those traditionally feminine things under white supremacy i struggle to see her trans marginalization over her other glaring privileges and perhaps that's why i and others felt annoyed with her too. which is why i needed to unpack for a while, both on my shortcomings and hers. not because she is in the wrong nor deserved hate but because women across backgrounds body types sexualities ethnicities races cultures nationalities have so many different forms of misogyny pushed on us. until what can feel revolutionary freeing and affirming for one girl can instead almost mimic the restrictive status quo beating us into a forcibly masculinized self image once again. this can be addressed collaboratively and in good faith though like by no means am i saying one girls masc presentation is oppressing or hurting me. only that some self expressions by women will feel a bit mid for other chicks and it helps and brings a sense of peace and unity to think on various greater reasons why and still love and accept gross gremlin feminism for what it is and the good it's doing

#ethel cain #mothercain #i'm white btw different ethnicity but when i say women of color i am NOT talking about myself lol #i'm just connecting my feelings to things women of color have said about gender and disconnect with white queer people on that stuff

[elfcollector]

No need to share if you don't want to, but if you want to talk about your characters' genders/sexualities I'd love to hear about them!

i LOVE to talk about my kids!

i'm just gonna go down the list; if i don't mention someone here, assume they're bi and cis and that their relationship to their gender/sexuality/etc. just doesnt have enough in there to make me wanna talk about it

alia is bi and has a ( hand wiggles ) relationship with gender; some of it's just the inherent trauma of how elven women are treated causing her to want to reject some of it, some of its a true - ish form of gender dysphoria ( one of the few bad parts about having enough to eat now is that she fills out properly and starts having tits ) and most of it's a combo of the two. she identifies as a woman and that's unlikely to change, if only because she lacks other language, but internally she prefers androgynous terms of address, something zevran picks up early.

johana is a cis lesbian! her family and much of court doesn't approve!

natia is a cis woman and bi but like. she feels a similar 'being a woman in the commonly understood sense has created in me a lot of a trauma' thing to what alia does, but natia leans harder into BEING a woman because of it, as a way to spite the ones that sought to make her womanhood bad. she's not particularly feminine, it's not like that; it's more like she doesn't feel any innate sense of her own womanhood but she CHOOSES IT very intentionally. it's not a gender identity it is a gender CHOICE.

eilonwy is a cis woman and bi, but she has a DRAMATIC preference for women. gay until provoked

adahli is a trans woman and bi with a fairly significant preference for men!

sion is a GNC cis bi woman; she gets increasingly butchy as time passes. despite both being bi she and merrill do sort of look like the platonic ideal of a lesbian butch/femme couple

ahvir is agender, uses she/they, and is bi. no real preference for any particular gender, but does have a lot of internalized homophobia related to her attraction to men due to childhood trauma involving a girl she was in love with

isala is a trans woman and she did her own bottom surgery! she learned blood magic to do her own bottom surgery! bi, preference for men

dhea'mis is a trans woman. isn't particularly interested in bottom surgery, likes her dick just fine. so does josephine. bi, but with a minor preference for women.

marigold is a cis lesbian! falls in love with sera basically at first sight.

alexei is a cis gay man with terrible taste.

inessa beats gender with a STICK! she has no gender, but still uses she/her because using others would be more work than she cares about. bi, preference for men, has INSANELY high standards (you need to be at least as much of a revolutionary as she is, which is a hard to standard to meet)

dove doesn't use labels and finds them stifling, but she doesn't feel that gender is a meaningful part of her identity and she feels attraction to people of all genders. she falls under the ace umbrella

daiynn is a she/they/occasionally it, bi, minor preference for men! serana beat all the odds because shes perfect

xin yi doesn't use labels but she's almost exclusively attracted to women. cis woman but in the sense that she just doesn't give a shit

noe uses they/them, tho is okay with 'she' from people they're very close to. no real gender identity aside from "null." or maybe just "monster." either way! prefers masc folks but is attracted to everybody in practice

rue uses all and any pronouns, does not give a shit, and identifies as every gender at once. she is a girl when she's ciel's girlfriend. he is a boy when they are romeo's best bro. they are none of the above when they are hanging out. doesn't matter. experiences romantic attraction extremely rarely; ciel was really the first person he'd ever really felt that towards. does have a type for mysterious white-haired girls, tho

ena uses she/they, but prefers they broadly speaking. bi!

soma is a girl that's a guy. a dude that's a gal. uses she/they pronouns for herself but really doesn't care what you do, has no sense of their gender identity or of gender mattering to that identity. bi, no preference.

jetta is a cis bi woman who uses she/they! preference for ladies :D

quinn is agender and bi!

valda is bi and transfem. as far as attraction goes, they've got a bit of a preference for masculinity but no real preference regarding actual gender

andi is nonbinary and bi

erin is a cis lesbian but has just genuinely godawful taste

blake is agender and, while i wouldn't call them transmasc, they do prefer dressing masculinely and would rather be called your boyfriend than your girlfriend, yknow. only attracted to men.

rory just uses the word queer; no gender, no preference re: attraction

austen doesn't use labels, but does go by they/them. bi!

luca is agender and t4t, specifically with a preference for other nonbinary folks

delilah is nonbinary and bi

jocasta is every gender and none of them. fuck you. goes by she/they/he/it, but also doesn't really care what you call them. attraction is simply Queer

delight is utterly genderless and very bi! dislikes being gendered by friends or loved ones but doesn't care about it from strangers

#Anonymous #nonsense.

[caffeineandsociety]

Trans men are in an interesting place with the dynamics of sexism, and I hate how much infighting it causes for trying to create a singular hard and fast rule about whether Society sees becoming a man as an "upgrade" more than it sees being trans as a "downgrade" because there IS no singular rule about it.

Gender conformity is a big part of it. If you're Just Some Guy(TM), if you style yourself very masc and pass well, then of course in most external aspects - with people you pass with - you're going to start getting treated, well, like a man, with...most of the benefits that typically entails. The external ones, at least. In fact, sometimes even if someone finds out you're trans, that first impression will be enough to keep them taking you more seriously, or at least, once they find out, they may treat you less seriously than a cis man but more seriously than a cis woman.

But if you're GNC? Like me? That...has NOT been my experience. Far from it, in fact. I often find people take me much less seriously than they did when I was presenting as a cis woman. They'll compliment my technicolor hair or my nails, but unless they're also visibly queer, they'll look to someone else for an opinion on what might be wrong with their computer, or car, or whatever else - even if they KNOW I've been in tech and mechanics all my life - and I often spend MORE time waiting to be seen in the ER or urgent care, not less.

Speaking of wait times in the ER, here's something interesting: I have more luck getting people to take my disabilities seriously if I have someone presumed to be a cis woman to advocate for me, than if I have someone presumed to be a cis man doing the same job, unless that man is my actual biological father. Why? Well, my working hypothesis is that people see me with a man roughly my own age and just write us both off as a couple of melodramatic attention-seeking faggots; when they see me with a woman they start going-

-to figure out what her deal is and why she'd be hanging out with me and settle on thinking of her as a Mama Bear-type? It's something I'd have to do much more study on to be sure about!

There's also how it intersects with race - I have ethnically ambiguous facial features that read as much less white on a man than on a woman, and my skin tone is very sun sensitive, going from ghostly pale in the winter (which often gets me read as half white-half East Asian) to fairly dark tan in the summer if I go out a lot (which often gets me read as Mexican). You know the whole dual stereotype of trans men as pathetic baby transtrender babygirls looking for attention vs. evil roid raging groomers? Yeah, for SOME reason, I get looked at as the former more often in the winter and the latter more often in the summer.

Body type also plays into this. It's undeniable that men have a much larger window of body types than women that we can have before we're considered ugly, but...my weight fluctuates such that I go between midsized and Certifiably Fat depending on a lot of disability-related factors, almost like the myths about how weight works for most people. I get treated better as a man while my weight is at its healthy lowest than I did as a woman, but at its highest? ...people don't like GNC men when they're not skinny white guys. I speak from experience. Before I transitioned, I was treated as a Fat Woman no matter what - bullied, condescended to, every health problem blamed on my weight, the whole works. After, my lowest healthy weight often won't be considered fat at all, but if shit happens and I put on my Sickness Weight, I'm not a Fat Man in the way a lot of sitcom leads are allowed to be, I'm not even a Fat Man in the sense of that one fedora guy we unfairly ascribed predatory behavior to, I am seen as a Fat Man in a horrible transmisogynistic caricature kind of way. And we wonder why GNC transmascs have such a high rate of eating disorders, or blame it on ~female conditioning~?

What I'm saying is, once again, intersectionality! It's a whole industrial size barrel of worms! And we need more formal studies of gender dynamics that take transness and presentation into account! And stop trying to make singular hard and fast rules about How Trans Men Are Seen!

[theharrowing]

Hey babes.

Just wanted to chime in and share my experience with bi men lol (I found the anons take so interesting).

My experience is the total opposite of this anon, as a bi (somehow clostet woman at least). I’ve dated a bi guy like 6 years ago back when I was very ignorant and homophobic (I’m so ashamed of those days) and I thought I was strictly straight so I just rejected him. He then told me he had like 90% preferences for women only.

And since I’ve realized I’m bi I’ve dated few bi men here and there and they’ve all told me they had stronger preference. And since I have 0 chance of ever coming out lol I’m mostly open about it if someone brings up the topic so I’m always glad when I encounter a bi guy that is willing to be himself with me and let me trust him to open up.

So basically what I’m trying to say is all these men mostly told me that even though the women to men ratio wasn’t the same, it was almost easier to hook up with men. Men are easier and less complicated about these things and that straight women can be biphobic towards them (hurts me that I someday was that straight woman yikes 🥴).

Bisexual men are so precious to me and they deserve all the love and acceptance in the world. I’ll fight the world for them 🥹 and I hope bi men with strong preference for men are still valid and wanted and that they should never be questioned about their bisexuality and attraction for women💙💓💜

i think that, when we’re young and we don’t have things all the way figured out, we tend to be problematic. especially if we are grappling with our own feelings? when i was dealing with heavy gender dysphoria, before i knew i was non-binary (or agender or whatever, i still don't fully know how i feel in my skin and bones) i had some intrusive thoughts/feelings that i feel would have been transphobic. i don't even really know how to verbalize them, but i think it had to do with "passing" and "looking/acting" a certain way, because i had a lot of negative feelings about myself that i was projecting onto others (i never expressed these thoughts to anyone!!!!! i have always done my best to be understanding and a safe person for others. but the fact that i had these thoughts does haunt me.) and this is not to say that your experience is anything like that, but i think that for people grappling with these very personal feelings, there are often similar things going on.

going to put this under a cut bc my feelings are big.

gosh, it's been so long since i have heard anyone talk about their attraction on like a ratio basis, but i remember my ex girlfriend in college (the first time) making fun of me because i told her i thought i was "at least 75% attracted to women" alskdjaslkdjasljd like what does that even mean??? but i guess some people may look at it in terms of percentages. i am also interested in non-cis and non-binary people so i wouldn't be able to pie chart my feelings as easily. 😅😂

if we do speak in terms of mostly the gender binary, i think that bi men/amab who like women/fem-presenting people get the same amount of biphobia as bi women/afab who like men/masc.-presenting people, because i have only ever experienced it while dating men and masc-presenting people. and it's so so so frustrating like what part of "i am attracted to my gender and other genders" is hard to understand??? that includes literally anybody i want it to.

i don't know if pansexuals get this same kind of hate, but if you do, i am sorry and i love you.

BISEXUAL MEN ARE PRECIOUS TO ME. everyone is precious to me. cishets are on thin ice but if you show me that i can trust you and that i am safe with you, then you are precious to me too.

ALSO YOU JAZZY mentioned you can't come out, and i am sorry to see that. if you ever need to talk about anything, please dm me! day and night! i'll likely be awake!!! 💖💖💖

#here2luvrmv #i love my moots #especially my darling jazzy! 💖 #you've got mail 💌

[severedegg]

okokok hold on lemme write out some hlvrai headcanons i got for the ever >>3o))))))

long post btw

gordon

pronouns: he/they (ftm) likes feminine clothing and likes some feminine terms of address because hes a girlboss

he is the eleventh user to have this copy of the game, im not sure whether he downloaded it secret free style or if he bought/was gifted a physical copy, regardless, the thing that intrigued him was that he was told the characters had 'a life of their own' and were 'unpredictable and strange'

of course, he chalked it up to bugs or someone making a fan version of it, nevertheless he played it n got sucked into his computer and met the science team

im keeping our guys name as gordon cause i think itd be funny that that was also a reason hed want to play it hehe, though i would change his last name, but not rn i cant think

benrey

pronouns: he/it (no real gender but prefers masc and non-gendered terms of address, prefers no labels but will call himself gay for fun)

i wanna play on more of the 'ai' and 'virus' aspect of him rather than alien since it makes more sense to me

he plays the 'standard guard' role, trying to blend in so gordon doesnt notice all thats going behind the scenes

hes trying his best to escape into the real world, hes been stuck there for years and its been making him very desperate each attempt he gets

this copy of the game has passed through many hands, all failed attempts to get out, usually ending up with him crashing the game due to having no progress, the person got bored/scared n handed it to the next, n then he went on to unaliving the user, trying to have a better chance

during gordons attempt hes sort of in a daze, a lil deranged and just straight up tired

bubby

pronouns: he/she/they/it mostly but will rock with whatever you call em by

already a popular headcanon but still worth mentioning but he breathes fire and can emit it from his palms as well

hes a prototype of a new sort of clone, he has enhanced abilities but he developed in a way they werent quite ready for

they became a bit 'immune' to sedation, it making him numb for almost however long intended but he wouldnt fall asleep, appearing to only be in a hazey sort of state before coming to his senses within the hour

he was due to be terminated but dr coomer of course came to his aid after slowly making a bond with them

coomer

pronouns: he/him (trans ftm, his clones are cis)

hes a robot almost in his entirety, the only thing being his brain (still with a lot of wiring in it)

he has been mass produced, each programmed with the same memories, he was a protoype, to look more friendly, but definitely not the first of his kind

he probably has yet to see the room where they store all the failed attempts, black mesa is not anyones friend (might do a mini comic on this if i think)

i think hed definitely have a handful of 'glitches' besides his vocal ones and impulsive actions, i personally would include head shakes, head spins, knocking on his head, and maybe some others

he makes little whirring noises sometimes💜

im using 'glitches' as a stand-in for tics (aside from the impulsivity) cause words around that tend to set mine off

#hlvrai #headcanons #hlvrai headcanons #hlvrai bubby #hlvrai benrey #hlvrai gordon #hlvrai dr coomer #hlvrai coomer #half life vr but the ai is self aware #text #long post

[trans-advice]

I don't even know where to start, I'm sorry. This might be a mess.

I know I'm non-binary and typically transmac. Recently I've had a "gender crisis" and felt I am a trans man.

My mother's response was my biggest fear. I told her that I might be a trans man and was still figuring things out. There were tears but mostly because she was sad I was so scared and so stressed with trying to do what everything think I should even if it was a detriment to my happiness.

There was a huge relief off my shoulders but I suddenly felt embarrassed and foolish. I just kinda shoved that away. I had told my pattern and 2 other people I might be a transman. It was great but it settled in I'd never pass the way I want or be able to be out the way I want.

And I've come to terms with it. And as far as transition, I don't really want T or feel I need surgery. I'm fine with binding and just want to change my body with exercise.

So i came to the conclusion I'm just non binary transmasc. It easier. I don't have to worry about passing or explaining. I feel like non binary I can blend in better.

My boyfriend just came to the conclusion he is a trans man. He'd been thinking it over. He'd been thinking more and more and has come out definitely that they are a trans man. He's already gotten a T apt set up for either this week or next.

I'm supportive of this! I want him to be happy and fully encourage him to transition any way he feels he needs.

So why do I feel...upset? Frustrated? When they talk about T and coming out and transitioning I shut down and feel almost defensive.

What is going on? Am I jealous?

I did feel jealous when they told me about a friend who wanted tk give them an "it's a boy" cake. So do I just want the attention?

I do have trauma from an ex in a similar way to where I could even explore the option of non binary while my ex was constantly buying clothes we could afford, styling their hair and getting the best makeup for their transitioning.

So maybe I am just jealous. Am I just jealous becsuse I want attention?

Why do I not feel so pressed to pass when I'm non binary. I still want to look masc but I don't feel like I'm failing when I don't look like a guy.

Am I a bad partner? Am I transphobic?

I can't make sense of any of it.

TLDR: you need to get more time in contact with other trans people that you can be open about your identity with. currently your support network is only 3 people. you still have work to do on your transition regardless of whether it's medical, social, or legal. the gender you tell people you are in order to get gender police off of your back can be separate from your actual gender identity. (i've heard some posts call it the actual gender identity "a private gender". it's basically that meme trans people are a picture of ancient greek philosophers & cis people are a picture of preschool toddlers learning shapes.) so you need more people to get support from.

Am I a bad partner? Am I transphobic?

let's be blunt, you & your partner would have to discuss whether you're obstructing your partner's needs. (for relationship advice however i'll say the slogan relationship: 1 + 1 = 2 not (1/2) + (1/2) = 1.) also internalized transphobia is a thing & we live in a transphobic society, so I don't see that framing as helpful when we're talking about this specific thing. i think what i'm going to focus on is the jealousy, but i'm going to try viewing it as a thing that's informing you of needs that you need to meet within your transition.

So i came to the conclusion I'm just non binary transmasc. It easier. I don't have to worry about passing or explaining. I feel like non binary I can blend in better.

in order to address transitioning however, i also want to basically talk about the gender unicorn. (note however with the gender unicorn it conflates AGAB with physiological sex because it was meant to not only be done without looking into people's medical history, but it was also meant to be done in groups, like at high school or college gay-straight alliances).

as a non-operative trans woman, i can say that i have commonalities with nonbinary people due to my gender presentation & my incongruent physiology, because i literally have a beard & body hair that i shave off like everydays & i do have the option to present genderqueer. it's awkward because i'm still a woman (even if i'm a bearded woman). i can even say that i'm a genderqueer woman, and an incongruent woman & even both a trans & gender non-conforming woman. yes, the way i've decided to deal with my body emphasizes how the binary is geared for cis people, & other demographics marginalized by say beauty standards & gender conformity. but my gender identity is still a gal (like i knew i was a girl when i was 2 & i turned out to be a woman, so). i still seek to express my femininity.

the existence & presense of nonbinary people is extremely liberating & in fact, seeing genderqueer people whether in terms of gender identity or gender presentation helped me a lot with my transition & navigating my feminism.

also recognition of gender euphoria can also come with distress over recognizing transphobic trauma. i don't exactly care to trauma dump here, especially since i already have intersections that might not line with your experience. i will say though that when i began transitioning again (for like the 4th or so time) in 2016ish i would literally break out sobbing when i started passing more than 0% of the time.

there are a lot of words that would go into describing gender incongruence vs gender dysphoria vs the history of gatekeeping medical transition. it's messy so please forgive me.

like gender incongruence is basically synonmous with being trans. it's talking about gender identity vs assigned gender at birth. additionally assigned gender at birth is not the same thing as one's physiological sex (though due to perisex normativity, AGAB & physiology are conflated in some contexts). gender incongruence isn't neccessarily dysphoric, though dysphoria is related to minority stress & stereotype threat.

while overall medical transition can help our communities, the way it's been controlled historically by cisgender supremacists has been used to suppress legal acknowledgement of trans peoples' existences, as well as maintain amatonormativity & heteronormativity (as well as cisgender supremacism) in regards to the institution of marriage. that being said, i don't feel educated enough to comment about how bodily autonomy, ableism, and medicine interact, except to say informed consent is awesome & the social model of disability is awesome (especially as the social model gets into how marginalization is related).

so when i read

"Why do I not feel so pressed to pass when I'm non binary. I still want to look masc but I don't feel like I'm failing when I don't look like a guy."

this is very much kind of a thing I deal too with since we're both non-operative. like yeah, i get gender euphoria when i'm able to dress well & put on colorful cosmetics & such. whatever's the masculine fashions probably do the same for you. but when you talk to people, you talk about your gender presentation instead of your gender identity, and quite frankly, i guess you've suppressed some of that, and it's catching up to you. like even when you were talking to you mom you said she was focused on the tasks involved with transitioning. now i don't know your specific case, but checklists are not one-size-fits-all. (granted, there are legal transitions where the jurisdictions require medical transition. but i'm talking about the distress regarding things you don't consent to, at least at this moment.)

so what i'm gathering is even if you don't want & or need a medical transition, maybe you still have work to do with your social transition. like, you need more celebrations & pride about your situation. perhaps going to nonbinary, transmasc, trans men groups could help with the recognition you need for the social transition.

like due to the pandemic shut downs, there are organizations that have zoom meetings for lgbt+ people. look into those. hang out with trans people. look into some discords or something. i know subreddit lgbt has a public discord server. i know some lgbt+ organizations (& or organizations with lgbt+ specialty meetings) use meetup & facebook to find people.

like your partner is literally getting gender-affirming cakes & material support with his transition. you're literally stuck in a holding pattern with how to talk about your gender identity & transition goals, to the point that you've only spoken to 3 people about your gender crisis (your mother + 2 others). I don't know what your exact transition needs are, but perhaps "seeking the cherry on top" of your transition is important here. perhaps you need to do some touch up on the decor around you? perhaps get playful with hygiene products? screensavers? there's been various methods like that of dealing with gender dysphoria, and maybe those will help you too.

good luck, peace & love,

eve

[birdylion]

Musings on: visiting woman-centric spaces and ballroom dancing

I went ballroom dancing for the first time in years. The event was organised by a local feminist association and was said to be open for everyone but cis men. It was a queer-friendly space, that's why I went, but I wasn't too sure about my place there.

Indeed the group turned out to be very focused on female(-centric) identity, which I don't have, uh, at all. So of course, I got misgendered a lot - it's much easier to pass as a man when there's NOT the contextual assumption that most, if not all, people there will be women. (The nonbinary, inter and trans part seem to be a recent addition to the association's self-understanding, and very far from the mind of most people there.)

But I found I didn't mind their assumptions about my gender too much, because 1. I am by now secure enough about myself that I don't need outside validation, and 2. while the space itself appeared to be woman-centric, there was a lot of variety among the people there (from very femme to about as masc presenting as me - the latter an older nonbinary person who was one of the few to instantly gender me correctly), so I got the impression that everyone was allowed to be their own self. It was a very queer space, and I didn't feel like I had to prove anything.

I did feel welcome, I didn't feel like an intruder (which had been one of my worries) - but I didn't feel like I belonged, either. The space was advertised as being "for everyone but cis men", but in practice was more like "for women and people close to womanhood". I knew before that I'm a man, that my transness is binary. Being in that space reminded me how much this is true. I have a working sense of justice and enough insight to know why it matters so of course I'm a feminist, but I'm one from the outside perspective. (This is the abridged version of how I relate to feminism, anyway.)

*

It was the first time I got to dance the lead role, that was great!

I've always loved ballroom dancing since taking the first class back in my teens, but always having to follow was getting on my nerves. As my skills grew, I felt more and more uncomfortable with it, and so I ended my training. I used to be pretty good, but I never learned how to lead, so now my movements look like I know what I'm doing, but I can only lead the basic steps and maybe one figure.

This was now a very low-stakes, easily accessible way of trying it out again, this time from the other side. I went alone, but the above mentioned nonbinary person soon set me up with others. Apparently I looked like I knew how to dance, because then a very good dancer asked me and I got to dance my favourite dance of all time again, the quickstep <3 and by the end I had about 5 people who wanted to dance with me. I was told that I have a very good posture and also that my leading felt good and comfortable, which is a great compliment considering I was doing it for the first time. With the good dancers, I usually let them lead because then we could do the more advanced stuff. Even though it has been almost 10 years since I last danced regularly, my body remembers. I wouldn't want to dance only as a follower, but for the handfull of dances now, especially in this environment where switching was normal, I didn't mind as much as 10 years ago when that was the only thing I did.

I was there to try out dancing lead, and ... omg it's so great. I really enjoy it - yes, leading into the figures, but also keeping an eye out on the dance floor, looking out for my partner, making sure we're not crashing into anyone, planning which figures to dance next. It brings a level of mental complexity to the dance that I enjoy very much.

I'm seriously thinking about taking a class and trying to find a permanent dancing partner. (There are problems such as me having enough hobbies already, and not knowing which class to take - I'm too advanced for a beginner's class, but having never learned how to lead into the figures, there's a lot of stuff from the advanced courses I probably don't know. I feel it would be good to learn from the ground up, but at the same time fear I would pretty soon be bored in a beginner's class.)

I think, (re-)learning ballroom dancing outside queer spaces, back in the old heteronormative world where I first learned it and then trained seriously, would be a wildly different experience now than it was then. I think it would actively bring me joy now, if I danced the role that feels so much more natural for me AND were allowed to exist in the gender role that feels right for me, at the same time.

All in all, a thought-provoking event with the benefit of renewing my live for ballroom dancing.

#It also helped relieve my starvation for touch. I NEED hobbies where I get to physically touch people or else I'm going insane #birdypersonal #Of course going ballroom dancing regularly would mean exposing myself to potentially getting covid more often #I took a risk yesterday and I'll if I'll have to pay for it ... #But I really do lack physical contact. A lot. Ugh.

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

are u comfy going more into detail abt the transandrophobia at ur college? im curious abt how this shit manifests in IRL queer spaces

Yea sure, ive mentioned bits and pieces in the tags of some rbs so i might as well talk abt it properly

The one biggest issue was the way they dealt with the tdor event they hosted. Transmascs were completely erased from the narrative. For example, they had some displays with pictures and names of trans people, those who died and those who are still alive and thriving. Out of ~2 dozen pictures, there was one or maybe two transmascs on there. That is a terrible ratio

The only guy on there who was definitely transmasc had only come out in the past year and had alrrady been a well established celebrity before then, so he wouldnt have been my first choice for "still made it despite the hardships of being trans" yk ? It felt like they didnt even try. The transfemme selections seemed to be a lot more well rounded, with some cool smaller names to discover.

Otherwise, theres just been a general trend of them doing,,, nothing for transmascs at all despite them claiming to be an org for all trans ppl. Most of the events are exclusive to femme aligned ppl, with the rest being general events open to all. Almost all of the ppl featured on their socials, wall art, etc, are femme presenting. A couple times the language in the physical space got a bit too close to "all men are bad lol" for comfort

They also just . seem to assume gender more than the other queer space here ? Like when they were handing out fliers at the beginning of the year they gave one to me specifically (cis girl passing esp at the time) and ignored all the other masc presenting ppl in the immediate area despite . yk. you cant tell if someone is trans just by looking at them. My pronouns get messed up way more often over there too

All in all theres just been this pattern of pervasive discomfort and borderline erasure and they need to get their shit together if they want to live up to their claims of being trans inclusive

Note :

What im not saying is they should care less abt transfemmes and other femme aligned ppl. Im not saying they should get rid of their events or care less abt them on tdor. (I have a book on my reading list im excited to read that i learned abt through that tdor event!)

What i am saying is they should be doing more for transmascs, adding more events, and putting more care into things

#amber actually saying stuff #ask