#lorettahazel

[amft]

Last November we had to put down our precious family kitty girl, Dorothy. And that night and the days to follow, we had multiple conversations with Loretta about death. Whenever she would ask if this person or that person (including us, our family and friends) and if this toy or that toy and this animal or that animal was going to pass away, we’d always answer seriously and honestly.

And we continue to occasionally have these conversations with her, every time she asks. Sometimes they’re brief. Sometimes they upset her. Sometimes half way through an explanation she gets distracted by Cheerios.

Tonight she told me, “Mommy, I don’t want you to pass away.” I pause. I let out a slight sigh. And I say “Baby. I will pass away someday. But I’m going to be here with you as long as I possibly can. And when I can’t be here with you, I’ll be in the stars like Dorothy. And I’ll be with you in your heart.” She asks, “Will you hug my heart?” “All day, every day.”

A few weeks ago when we got news that my mother’s cancer had spread, I remember having similar thoughts that Loretta had tonight… Mommy, I don’t want you to pass away. We don’t know where this new path is going to lead us. I can’t fall down the rabbit hole of “what if’s.” But I just have to give myself the same advice we’ve been giving her. I have to tell myself… she’s here as long as she can be. And that’s all we’ve got. So I’m going to enjoy it for as long as I can.

#lorettahazel #family #pancreatic cancer

[amft]

Easter party at school. She was the Bingo Champion. And proud we are.

#lorettahazel #thisis37 #easter

[amft]

Every morning when I drop Loretta off, I help her with her backpack and hand her her lunchbox. I give her a big hug and a kiss and I tell her “I love you. Make good choices. And be kind.” She nods and gives me one last squeeze around my neck. Then I watch her walk down the long, what used to be scary, hallway. Sometimes alone and sometimes with a buddy. And there’s no point to this story other than I’m proud of her. And I’m glad I’m hers.

#lorettahazel

[amft]

I’m a big fan of Lanny having a spring break now.

#thisis37 #spring break #family #lorettahazel

[amft]

Also. Loretta calls things the wrong names often. Or just made up names. Like Urban Air (the trampoline park) is the jumpoline park. And granola bars are gorilla bars. So when I use the correct words, it sounds weird to me. And now I just don’t know what’s real anymore.

#lorettahazel

[amft]

New job for husband = more dad & daughter day dates. And as much as I wish I could’ve had the extra time to be home, I’m happy he gets this opportunity to play catch-up with her.

But I did I take extra time off around the holidays and spent 10 days straight with my family. And both Mr T and I agree it was one of the best weeks of our entire relationship. And also the longest break we’ve had together, excluding our honeymoon.

Oh. I also had a birthday in December.

So yeah, things are good.

#thisis37 #lorettahazel #husband

[amft]

We get over one cold only to be greeted by another. Everyone warned us this would probably happen once she started school. I’m not surprised but I’m still bummed out for her. I don’t like seeing my little homegirl like this.

One silverlining, she’s my coworker for the next few days.

#thisis36 #wfh #Lorettahazel

[amft]

After I finished crying, I decided her first day of Pre-K3 was a success.

#thisis36 #lorettahazel #prek

[amft]

It’s a school night. And tomorrow is her first day of Pre-K3.

And I am feeling feelings.

#thisis36 #lorettahazel

[amft]

Homegirl, it is too early in the school year to already be side eyeing.

#lorettahazel #prek

[amft]

Just a cute girl wearing a cute jacket. That is all.

#Thisis36 #lorettahazel

[amft]

I have a three year old. Isn’t that wild?

#thisis35 #young wild and three #lorettahazel

[amft]

She is seriously the sweetest little person. I am so happy she is ours.

#thisis35 #lorettahazel

[amft]

Tonight when I was putting Lo down for bed time, I stayed a little bit longer than usual because she was so chatty and I just wanted to listen to her talk. We notice when she’s really excited about something but doesn’t know the right words, she’ll just make some goofy gibberish sound then carry on with her story. As her story started to fade out, she laid her head on my chest and I could feel her hand fumbling to reach for something. Assuming she wanted one of her stuffed animals, I handed it to her. But when our hands made contact, she squeezed my hand and didn’t let go. She let out one last sigh and drifted off to her next dream adventure for the night. And then my heart burst.

#lorettahazel #thisis35

[amft]

This is my favorite morning routine.

#thisis35 #lorettahazel

[amft]

Get you a partner that’ll be the kind of dad that’ll stop on the side of the road and pick flowers for mom and tiny homegirl.

#lorettahazel #husband #thisis35 #temperamentaltwos