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#lost

I don’t think anyone cares but I don’t have anyone to talk to right now and I need to get some things out of my chest. Maybe not the best idea to post about it online but I really don’t give a fuck anymore.

⚠️

I don’t know what to do.

My little brother is braver than me. My fucking little brother… he cuts… just like I do.

He’s depressed and about to fail the school year. He never goes to sleep before 3 am, barely eats and plays video games all day and night with that fucking long sleeves on.

The only difference between us is that he reached out, asked for help, he is so fucking brave. I can’t… I don’t know what to do now… like I’ve been doing the same things I did with him before he told me. We watch movies together, I help him with some school assignments, I mess with his hair just like any other big sister would do, we talk about his friends, sometimes about him… and I want to say “I know exactly how you feel, I know what you do once the lights are out and you think everyone is asleep, I know what you think about when you are eating in silence and I know how you feel when you stare at you’re homework and you’re not able to do anything, I know how it feels like to stare at the celling for hours and I know you lie when you say you are feeling better and why, because I do the same and I feel the same way” but I can’t do it. I am such a coward, I can’t even say it for my brother.

… But I mean… how could I?

My mom is such a mess right now. Every time she comes out of my brother’s room I know she is fighting with everything she’s got not to burst into tears and she is also very fucking stressed. She lost her job because we are all quarantined, she had a fight with her friends about some business they were in together so they are not really friends anymore, and now she is improvising selling food online because we need money, her son is depressed and self harms and she also has to put up with my dad’s bullshit.

Oh because that is another great thing. My dad doesn’t belive my brother is depressed, he thinks it’s just an excuse to do nothing in school and sleep all day. He even banned us from going to his house for a few days. Yes, banned. Now he just doesn’t talk about it.

I can’t bring what is going on with me to them, I just can’t. Not now. I can’t do it. They don’t need it. It wouldn’t be fair to my brother either, he needs the attention right now. He really fucking needs it.

I’m so angry with myself. How did I miss this? No. Why… didn’t I act on it?

I noticed he was acting different, sleeping more, eating less, avoiding talking about school, wearing long sleeves even when it was hot outside, he told me his team mates were bothering him because of the way he dresses. All the signs were there…

I guess I just didn’t wanted to belive my baby brother would be as fucked as I am, I didn’t wanted to belive he could think about the same awful self destructive things that I do.

He doesn’t deserve this, not him.

… He has asthma so, when we were kids, whenever he had an asthma attack, he would cry a lot and I always hated to see him cry so I closed my eyes but I could still hear him so I cried too.

Now he doesn’t cry, he stares at the walls feeling numb and I don’t know what the fuck to do. Because I feel the same way and I don’t have a clue of how to handle it myself.

So… I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee and I relapse. Fucking great.

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It hurts the most when I stop thinking about you. Because regardless of how much time passes, little pieces of you still find their way into my life. Whether I hear someone talking and it sounds just like you, or if I order the things I used to share with you. Or I watch the movies we watched together. No matter how hard I push you away you always make your way back into my head. And that’s when it hurts the most, because I thought I was okay.

S //

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Here we kinda-sorta get the reveal on the final member of the Oceanic Six. I say “kinda-sorta” because those of us keeping track at home weren’t sure if Aaron counted as one of the Oceanic Six, even though in retrospect it seems obvious that he counts. Anyway, it provided enough doubt at the time for us to be deceived by the gimmick of this episode, which follows Sun in flash-forwards giving birth to Ji Yeon and Jin in flashbacks running around trying to get to the hospital for the birth of a child who it turns out is not his own.

While we’re talking about these two, this couple’s separation in the season finale starts the other big long separation between Sun and Jin, after the end of season 1/beginning of season 2. This one is longer both in-universe and in number of episodes.

Didja think we were done talking about Nikki and Paulo? Well, you were only half right, astonishingly! Nikki makes her final appearance very briefly on the TV screen in Sun’s first flash-forward scene, via archived footage from her episode of “Exposé” from the episode “Exposé”. Sounds weird when you phrase it like that, huh?

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Who let her sail out on her own? Who was the one to turn a blind eye to her distress calls in the middle of the night, and her shaking hands? Does it not seem off putting that she asked to escape as soon as she bored!

You, who let her go, did you forget to remind her that the weather- it’s predicted to be rough. The conditions, they’ve never been ideal. They’ve never been what she expected. You, who has only ever braved the world with those that love, didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. Did you? Your ignorance isn’t blissful for her, it will only ever lead to her self destruction. It will only ever lead to her, in her rescue boat, never seeing that she can’t save herself. She’ll never have the luxury of living a life alone. 

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