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I used to have a recurring nightmare in which I was lost and couldn’t get home. At first I’d try asking people for help, but nobody would respond, or even react. It was as if I wasn’t there at all. Eventually panic would set in and I’d run from person to person, desperately pleading with them to listen to me, to help me get home. But they’d simply carry on with their daily lives, no matter how much I begged, pleaded, cried or screamed. It was like I didn’t exist. I used to have this nightmare about twice a week, and it went on for months. I’d wake up crying and terrified every time. I didn’t tell anyone about it because I was ashamed that something as innocuous as a nightmare upset me that much, especially when all the people I’d normally confide in were struggling with much worse issues at the time.

I haven’t had that nightmare once this year. It hurts to think it’s because we’re apart, it leaves me feeling hollow and achy. But I’m fairly sure the nightmare left because I left.

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I’m stupid, right? I dont know what went into me today but I wrote her a message after I saw that she used the block/unblock function that I’m not following her anywhere anymore (twitter/instagram).. I’m not sure how dump that was, but it was dump. Can’t I just get over her, someone new or her back?

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I have figured out that i can no longer trust anyone,
i thought your leaving will only break my heart,
i thought it will only make it hard for me to fall in love but the truth is, it didn’t only break my heart,
it broke all of me-
i can no longer open up to anyone,
anyone at all-
but then i remember that we were friends and this is the only reason that i trusted you with my heart,
and now when someone comes closer all i can say to myself that ‘if you- after all what we had, after all the years of friendship- could broke me like this, like i was nothing - then why would anyone do otherwise’
and i know it’s wrong,
i know that people are not the same,
i know that you can’t define billions of people only because one of them hurt you,
and i dont want to ,
but i have no say in this.
my soul is incapable to open up,
my tongue finds no words-
when someone asks me if i ever fell in love,
i find no words to say at all,
i change subject -
i can’t even face what happened till now,
i can no longer say your name out loud,
no longer see your pictures or hear your voice-
it’s like i am traumatized and any little reminder takes me back to that room where we were holding each others and you told me that you-finally- fully let me in and that forever is what will have,
and then another flashback in the same room that turned cold and dark where you told me that you fell in love with someone else ,
where you broke my heart and saw me breaking down,
and walked away like there was nothing but being upset from me that ‘am not happy for you’
oh god, even writing about it became harder and harder,
thinking about it became a burden that i don’t know how to manage,
i don’t know how to deal with this pain anymore,
and i don’t know anyone who can ever help me-
you made me fear people,
yes ‘fear’ -
i tend to run so fast and so far whenever someone takes a step forward even as friends,
specially as friends..
as anything at all.
what have you done to me?
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Pátek //

Hladí mne po tváři jako tající kus ledu. Mořská pěna okamžiku. Saji to nejlepší, ostatn'časem vymizí a pak pak vyvanu i já. Jako pačule ze starého flakonu na pračce. Záblesk naděje v koutku a zarputilá esence radosti. Tajemno v očích spolu s nekonečností. Nic netrvá a nic na stole již neleží. 

Vařím z vody víno. Opěvované chardonnay co bude mě svou vůní máct smysly a svou chůtí rozmotávat jazyk. Nedějí se zázraky. Dějí se opulentí příběhy. Za dveřmi hukot, venku neblahý klid. 

Srdce mi syčí nedočkavostí a líné nohy krouží po parketách v ložnici. Je pátek. Pátek 3. dubna. Má magická trojka. Stane se něco? Jako dychtivá milovnice zvratů číhám na židli s diářem a tupou tužkou. Nic. Hučí pouze lednice.

Sbohem má madam, sbohem neočekávané radosti. Spohem novým zítřkům. Vítám zpoza peřiny jaro.

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