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#lost in sadness
bisexualclarkkent · a day ago
Someone that commented on every fb post I ever made about my emotions over not having kids to invalidate my sadness because she too doesn’t have kids but it’s worse in her case because she’s… idk… a Capricorn… announced her pregnancy today
#just like… wow#imagine sharing a dream with someone and then when they express sadness that their dream hasn’t and probably won’t ever come true#you decide it’s time for them to know their sadness is meaning#meaningless in comparison to your own#because you’re a real person#a married white woman with a husband who looks like he could be your brother#but your sad friend is just some black girl you and everyone else refuse to see as human#god I know this sounds mean and bitter and petty (and it is for I truly am the worst person alive)#I genuinely am happy for her because I know how much she’s wanted this#I am#it’s a lovely surprise to announce on mother’s day#I’m glad she’s happy#but I’m bitter because every time I try to voice my sadness I’m silenced by people who want me to know their sadness is more valid#and it fucking stings that that sadness is temporary for others but likely permanent for me#I went through this phase where every pregnancy announcement made me cry honestly just from jealousy#and it was so shameful#I’m still ashamed#I didn’t react like that to peoples faces of course#the crying was private — like my own grief over something I hadn’t even lost#I would congratulate people and feel happy for them but it was so hard to ignore my own longing#then I started to accept that it wasn’t going to happen for me#began the process of making peace with it#and I stopped crying at pregnancy announcements#I felt an appropriate level of happiness for other people having something good for happen for them#I think this is the first one I’ve cried at in like 2-3 years#I was making progress but I just 😭#I’m such a horrible person lol I deserve to feel bad right now#it’s fundamentally selfish of me to react this way even privately#I’m not fucking mature enough for motherhood because this is a sucky way to feel and I suck for it#daily oversharing
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zaya117 · 4 days ago
I dont want to take anything to make me okay.
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lights-keikaku · 11 days ago
It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here. But it feels like the only place I can come. Chip my beautiful babby boy took his walk across the rainbow bridge on Monday. Vet found tumor tissue in his lungs that managed to hide itself within his heart issues so no one noticed until it was too late... I feel like a piece of me has died and I don’t know what to do. He’s been with me for half of my life and now suddenly he’s not here. He was with me through the worst shit and he helped me keep up a routine when I was falling apart. And now I don’t know how to cope now that I’ve lost my best friend and anchor. Above anything else, I miss him so much it’s unbearable. Rest In Peace my good boy. Now you can catch your breath...
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apwersonal · 18 days ago
wow not me judging my dad and brother for like years for self medicating instead of like seeing a therapist or getting on medicine now doing it myself...... gdi
#there’s a major difference between the way in which I felt like actual meds helped me vs this#that was like oh my sadness or anxiousness is gone bc I feel... nothing at all#I feel like I have like blurred memories of time periods when I was on medicine#then again I have such a bad memory. I hate it#except like specific things I can randomly recal like specific info about#I guess stuff I pay more attention to#I used to keep note of every date I went on with my boyfriend#I have like the first 30 in a note on my phone lmao it was ridiculous#that’s what I cared to remember I guess#hard to believe now how I used to feel about him#hard to understand tbh. but maybe he was a different person then#maybe I was#see right now I’m fine thinking about and trying to process all this#if I was not high rn it would be depressing the fuck out of me#i took a break for like a week and a half and I was fucking miserable#i couldn’t get to sleep at night because I was having every negative thought possible about my life#everything sucks honestly. I’m lost about school and a job and I miss being at home and I’m worried about people I love getting older#while I see them less and less#I feel like they are what’s important to me. why am I here spending all my time with school and my boyfriend#but I don’t have a choice.#but honestly all that has sucked for a long time now. what’s really keeping me up at night is him#he’s also the one factor that I could flat out remove#but I honestly don’t know if that would feel any better#I feel like deep down we don’t have a future. and I didn’t always feel that way#I don’t know what I’m doing here. we live together. he’s my best friend. and that’s ALL#that’s all there has been for a long time it feels like now#I feel like being around him everyday when it’s like this is like slowly killing me#like we used to be in love! we always had major problems but I at least thought we were in love with each other and wanted to be together#and now there’s just nothing besides the fact that we get along great as friends and have such similar interests and personalities#no feelings no passion no chemistry no attraction and no love
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coffeepeople · 23 days ago
It’s just like...I’ve been thinking about how once I’m fully vaccinated and once the world “returns to normal” it just won’t be the same. And we’ll find comfort in the same dynamics being there and we’ll feel closer to other people who before we considered acquaintances. But there’s also going to be things we don’t get back, or aren’t changed for the better. So anytime something is the same or better, I feel so grateful, because I know there’s a lot of pain ahead and any moment of light and familiarity and comfort is so damned important. And I know we’ll have to face the pain, because there is a lot to grieve for and people and things that deserve to be grieved for, but it’s not going to take away my ability to feel the good too. It’s going to be like a see-saw and it’s going to be like the tides and we need to make room for the good and the bad.
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cforcirce · a month ago
great expectations lead to great disappointments, except i never had the expectations to begin with. whats to blame now? the concept of greatness? was my sin describing something mundane as a divine ultimatum? was it the lack of self awareness such a description unveils? now im feeding my sorrow honey with tahini hoping to balance its bitterness 
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lindtbunny · a month ago
Text you ever feel just too tired and too sad and too lonely to even try to crawl out of the dark place you're in? It can seem more comfortable to stay there with your thoughts wrapped around you eating away at you..with your emotions all over the place pulling you this way or that..because it takes too much energy to move and you are already exhausted from the struggle.
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panselhnos · a month ago
"It was like there was no more air left in the world. And I was gasping, and I was panicking."
- Zendaya as Rue in Euphoria.
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sidebysidemv · a month ago
alright are my Thoughts on this last scene of episode 10 of beyond evil. ill put it under a read more for those who don't wanna scroll past it all <3 WE go babes. so, this scene is one of the most powerful scenes (for me, at least) and is something i havent been able to stop thinking about since i watched it. episode 10 had a lot of things going for it; the resolution of ep 9 where dong sik found his sisters body, finding out more about what exactly happened with jin mook, and joo wons character development & subsequent dropping of his newly adopted persona are just a few of the things i can point to for being pivotal, but this last scene is truly the stand out part for me. it holds so much weight to it and tells so much while being quite short.
first off, just before this scene there is a small snippet i couldnt include simply for length purposes, but it is where dong sik (for the first time, if my memory is correct) calls joo won his partner. that in and of itself wouldnt be much to point out, however during this scene there are brief flashbacks to dong siks prior partner and his death which i consider to be impactful because what must dong sik be feeling in that moment? what must he be going through, remembering what happened to his last partner? and it makes me ask why did he call him that? he didnt need to call joo won his partner, but he did. to acknowledge this man who has been nothing but a thorn in his side as a says a lot about what dong sik feels for joo won despite their misgivings about one another. to me, it shows that hes come to trust him, however slightly, and that he cares for him.
secondly...there is such a level of fear in dong sik for joo won during this scene. when dong sik realizes he's going to go on his own you can see that hes concerned. and why wouldnt he be? im sure hes replaying what happened to his old partner over and over and doesnt want it to happen again. then, we see the fear again when dong sik arrives at the scene and sees all the emergency vehicles there. the small glance he takes into joo wons truck...i imagine he probably thought he could be there dead. dong siks fear in this scene in palpable and its not only for joo won, i know he was worried for sang bae as well, but i think its worth to be noted just how scared he was as a whole, for both people.
thirdly...when dong sik found sang bae? GOD. the way he tries to save him even after joo won tells him that hes passed away, the helpless way he tries to give him chest compressions is heartbreaking because he doesnt want to believe it! he doesnt want to believe that this man who has been there for him since he was a young man is laying there dead. its so painful because, for dong sik, this is another person that he loves that is gone. min jung, his sister, now sang bae...they were all people he loved and cared for and now theyre all dead. hurts so damn much to watch this part because you can just tell how badly dong sik wants to save sang bae because really, he was so damn close. im sure he feels horrible; after all, his sisters body was found in his basement and min jung was alive while he was literally standing over where she was while he was searching for her, so i can only imagine what it must be like to be unable to save another person. dong sik has been through too much. i HATE it for him.
moving on from dong sik a little bit, this scene shows a lot about joo won as well. from the first episode we have known that joo won has mysophobia. its been shown more than once and directed at more than one person, but in this scene he pushes all of that aside and jumps into the ocean to save sang bae. he shoves aside his fear to make way for saving this other person, because, at the core of who he is, joo won is a good person. he truly is. beyond that...the way he holds dong sik when he starts crying? that shows so much growth. joo won isnt someone who seems like the type to really comfort someone, but thats exactly what he does with dong sik. he holds him because he knows dong sik doesnt have anyone else there in that moment. theres no one else from the substation there; without joo won dong sik would have been alone and i think what joo won wants in that moment is for dong sik to know that he isnt alone. and with the way dong sik moves his hand up to grasp over joo wons...he knows. he needs him there.
(theres also a Tiny part where the camera cuts back to joo won when dong sik starts trying to save sang bae and i think thats where things start to click for joo won that dong sik isnt the guy he had first impressions about. idk if it means anything but i had to slip it in anyways ehehehe)
as a whole this really shows just how much a citizen of manyang joo won now is; after all, the people of manyang protect each other. thats been such an overarching theme in this show and its been used with joo won a few times before this; the times i remember are when joo won came to dong siks defence at the press conference, and when joo won started choking jin mook when jin mook was choking dong sik. joo won has been brought into manyang effortlessly, and him protecting the other people showcases that really well. small parallel i noticed is, during the part of joo won holding dong sik, it almost mirrors the brief part we saw of that same thing happening to dong siks parents. its slight and a bit of a reach, but i thought it was a little nod to what happened to them. im not sure...maybe thats just me looking into things too much, but i noticed it anyways.
in conclusion...this scene held a lot of meanings for both dong sik and joo won and how much theyve both developed, not only individually but also together. its just...its a lot.
also did i look to deep at most of these things that are small? you bet i did!!! but those are all my thoughts on this scene...i think i got em all! and i hope this made sense jfgnvkdfr
if you got this far and read all of this i love you. im giving your forehead a lil kiss rn 💖
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“Ich schau hoch zu dir, jeden Abend.
Jeden Abend stell ich mir die selben fragen.
Die Plagen,
Wann hört das alles auf?
Wann finde ich endlich einen weg hier raus?
Wann kommt der tag, an dem der schmerz los lässt ?
Und sag mir wer hält mich dann fest?”
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