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skeletonflowers · 6 years

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Thoughts about Jonghyun

I became a SHINee fan in 2013. And I’ll admit that it started in a really shallow way. I remember all my friends on twitter talking about various kpop groups and I wanted to be a part of the clique and the conversations so I would look up groups that they mentioned. I can’t recall them ever mentioning SHINee but I stumbled on SHINee’s Ring Ding Dong music video and watched it. It was the first group that I found myself liking how all the members looked and their voices. I became a Minho stan right away and in the beginning I was a bit of a solo stan. I only really cared about him. Then my friends started telling me to watch ‘One Fine Day’ and ‘Hello Baby’ and I started to get a liking for SHINee as a whole and appreciating all of the members as the individuals they were. Minho was definitely my number #1 but I always used to say Jinki – Jonghyun – Kibum – Taemin, are my number #2 because I couldn’t rank them.

I always thought Jonghyun was a funny guy, he provided a lot of comedic relief in Hello Baby. His ‘is this the reality you always wanted’ comments always made me crack up. To me at that point he was still the funny guy, in my head he was the image SM had pushed onto him from debut and so my liking for him didn’t go much further. Then he started Blue Night in 2014. And he gave us an insight into his daily life, his struggles and how kind and compassionate of a person he is. SHINee did not have a comeback in 2014, so I spent most of that year watching old shows, listening to their entire discography and really learning the personalities of the members. I would scroll through Jonghyun’s twitter for hours, laughing at his antics – like when he was learning to ride a bike and it got stolen, or him posting memes of Minho and the other members. He also was vocal about lots of injustices and seemed to be such an intelligent and head strong person. At that point Jonghyun was really cemented as my number #2 in SHINee.

In 2015, he debuted as a solo artist. I can’t explain how happy I was. I had always just had a loving for Jonghyun’s voice and knowing that he wrote the lyrics to all of his songs made me even happier. I remember coming home from school the day the Crazy music video came out and I watched it like 10 times. I was so amazingly proud of him. I watched every variety show he appeared on that era. The 4 things show was my favourite, it felt like he was giving us such a close insight into his life, even more than he usually did on Blue Night. Even though my favourite SHINee album at that point was the Misconceptions of Me, I never felt the urge to purchase it. But Base was an album that I just had to purchase. I remember all the kpop websites I found that sold albums only accepted payment through paypal and I didn’t have an account or really knew how to make one, so I was asking around to everyone I knew if they had a paypal account that I could borrow. I ended up using my Spanish teacher’s account lmao. The first half of 2015 really belonged to Jonghyun and at that point for me it became Minho – Jonghyun, my #1s, Key-Onew-Taemin my #2s.

She Is was my favourite era of his. It was such a bubbly, bright and colourful era. He looked so pretty with his pink hair and so full of life. I remembered just smiling like an idiot when I think Key(?) talked about how Jonghyun was so obsessed with dying his hair pink and about how he was looking at all the different shades and wouldn’t stop talking about it. He was so cute. I was so annoying during that era, I wouldn’t stop talking about him and how proud I was of him. When that album dropped, I felt such immense joy and happiness for him that I felt like crying, constantly. I was always bitter about that album not getting the recognition it truly deserved.

One of my major regrets is not listening to Blue Night a lot, because of the time difference I was always just getting up at the time it was airing or in school. Whenever I did hear his voice, he always sounded so soft and soothing, even though I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I read the translations every morning and I always felt a bit closer to him. It hurt a lot when he left Blue Night, it felt like we wouldn’t be able to know him so personally anymore. That even though he was still here, a part of him was still missing. Him leaving Blue Night worried me a lot. I remember asking my friends if they thought something deeper was going on with him because I didn’t understand why he would stop doing something he loved so much, especially since he’s done Blue Night successfully when he had a much more hectic schedule.

A lot of Shawols rejoiced when Jonghyun returned to black hair but it also unsettled me. His black hair was gorgeous and beautiful but I remember back in about 2014 or so when people would make posts like ‘when is Jjong going back to dark hair he’s been blond for so long’ it always annoyed me because I thought about him saying that he prefers lighter hair and he associates his dark hair with bad memories. When he dyed his hair back to black, I was worried but I wanted to be optimistic and hoped that he was trying to overcome the bad memories from his past. He seemed to be doing a lot of stuff that seemed like coping – getting tattoos, gaining weight. I thought he was doing so much better. Jonghyun was always the emotional one, always crying, always getting choked up. I liked to make the joke that ‘if Jonghyun didn’t cry at a SHINee concert, then did the concert really happen?’ I always thought he was crying because of the immense happiness he was feeling in those moments, but maybe there was pain those cries as well.

It hurts me that people would use lyrics to his songs to make posts about us not noticing until it was too late or why didn’t we pay attention. He was always so so open about his struggles with depression and loneliness. But I’m conflicted because he was also so encouraging, he let us all know that whatever we were going through it would get better one day. I can’t say that I’ve ever felt the same amount of despair and loneliness that he felt, but I have felt down a lot, especially a few months ago and songs like Gloomy Clock and Just Chill, really comforted me. It’s really comforting to know that, despite this person being famous and having so many fans, you can still relate to their struggles and they can relate to yours. I wish people wouldn’t say that we failed him, I wish people wouldn’t blame themselves. Jonghyun was open about everything and was seeking help, it’s just that the help he was receiving wasn’t enough for him.

I always used to say Minho and Jonghyun both have half of my heart. Now it feels like one half is gone and the other half just aches. Everyone who’s spoken to me probably knows how big of a fan I was of Jongho and how much I adored their interactions. If anything could make me happy it is the moments between Jonghyun and Minho because I felt they had a bond that many others either didn’t see or just didn’t appreciate. So knowing that Minho is hurting so much because he loves and adores Jonghyun to pieces, hurts me beyond belief. When the news came out that Jonghyun had passed, I wasn’t able to put my phone down until I read the words ‘Minho fainted at the hospital,’ and then my heart sank to my stomach and I felt like throwing up. After that I wasn’t able to check updates again for hours.

Part of me wants to angry. Why would he do this? Why couldn’t it have been an accident that took him away from us instead? Even though that’s horrible to think about – but it would sting so much less than knowing that he took his own life, that he was hurting and so unhappy that he wanted to leave this world. How much pain was that petite body of his really carrying?

I can’t explain how I feel about everything. I don’t feel sadness per say but yet I sobbed for the first time in a long time when I found out. When people talk to me about it and say ‘I know how much he means to you’ I get choked up all over again. I see his face and listen to his music and think ‘he can’t be gone, it’s all just a bad dream’ but then I accept that he’s gone and it’s okay but then I think about how he left us and it’s not okay. I live in The Bahamas, I sort of accepted the fact that I wouldn’t get to see him in person or attend a SHINee concert one day – but being alive at the same time as him, meant that despite how small, there was still a chance of that happening. Now there isn’t.

I’m sad that he was taken from us so early. I’m sad that there wasn’t much any of us could really do for him. I’m sad that I won’t ever get to experience his radiant beauty in person, to get to watch him on stage doing the thing he loves the most. I’m sad that I won’t experience attending a fansign, to have Jonghyun look at me the way he looks at every fan – like they’re the last person in the world. I’m sad that a while from now we won’t be able to hear his voice anymore or see his beautiful smile, or see his chest mole or the way his nose scrunches up when he laughs. I’m sad that he thought he wasn’t good enough, because to me he was the most talented and one of the most beautiful people in the world. I’m sad that eventually we will move on and Jonghyun will become a memory – I don’t want him to become a memory, because I wish he was still here with us. I wish we could turn back time and someone could save him, someone could give him all the help he needed. I’m sad that anything I say or do will never be enough to explain how much he really meant to me. Despite all the things I feel sad about, I find a sense of happiness in knowing that he isn’t hurting anymore and that he held on for a really really long time. Heaven gained a true angel.

You did exceptionally well Jonghyun. Rest in Paradise.

#jonghyun #shinee #pt

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