#love having can’t talk in big groups disorder
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You are almost you again.
Supergirl, B!D, Kara Danvers x Sister!Reader, Alex Danvers x Sister!Reader, Lena Luthor x Reader, Reader insert.
Word Count: 2820.
Warning: Eating disorder! Please don’t read it if it’s a trigger! Please!
Notes: prompt by @greysgirl2456, I hope i did ok with this one.
“Y/N! I’m so glad you came in. God, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.” Lena says as soon as you walk into her office. “I’m going to sue your company if they send you on another business trip soon.”
“I know, right?” You come closer, ready to walk into her open and welcoming arms. “I’ve been out of National City so much, yesterday I forgot my own address. I almost ended up in Kara’s place.”
“She would’ve loved that.” Lena smiles and hugs you tenderly. She breathes in, sounding extremely satisfied to have you in her arms. “I’ve missed you, darling.”
“I’ve missed you too, Lee.” You finally part the hug, looking at her with a wide smile.
“Come, let’s catch up over lunch.”
It’s a simple word. Lunch. Jesus, people talk about lunch and dinner all the time, and yet this simple word makes your body shiver in anticipation. Because lunch involves eating, and you, well, you’re not particularly fond of eating.
Except there is one thing you learned with this particular group of people, the Superfriends, is that everything has to be done over food. This is mainly because Kara is an alien and needs or likes food more than anything else in this world, but it became a habit to them. And that, unfortunately, means that you have to join.
“Oh,” Your body stiffens, when she moves around her office, with a big sushi platter in hand. “I didn’t know that’s what we were doing. Had I known I wouldn’t have eaten on my way here.”
“Oh no, really? I ordered your favorite.” You look at the food on her hands. This was once your favorite, she is right. But now… “Just have a bite with me.” Lena pleads moving to the couch. “All this traveling is making you lose too much weight.”
“What? No, it hasn’t.” You look at yourself, on your much larger clothes, because yeah, you have been losing weight and haven’t been around in National City much and when you are, the last thing you want to do is go out to buy new ones.
“Y/N.” Your name comes in a condescending tone that you hate. “Please. You’re like half of who you used to be.”
You move to the couch, sitting next to her. You must be doing some kind of face because she reaches out for your hand, supportively.
“I know how hard it is eating right when work is so demanding of you. Trust me, I’ve been there.” She smiles, fond and sweet and you agree with your head. Sure, let’s blame it on work, this sure is easier.
“Yeah, you get it.” You smile back at her, praying she doesn’t realize how fake you sound. “I’m basically living on a plane.”
“I know, darling.” She reassures you, sensing your guilt. “So why don’t we just sit here for 30 minutes, eat, and catch up on each other’s lives?” She asks, not breaking eye contact. “Shall we?”
You can’t say no. You wish you could, it would be a lot easier, but she might find it weird, and you can't have people catching on.
“Sure.” You smile, though on the inside you’re feeling quite the opposite. Right now, you wish you had Kara’s powers so you can fake an emergency and just fly out the window.
Yet, you eat, and talk, and do exactly what Lena had planned.
It’s something else, this thing you’re going through. You would feel guilty if you didn’t sit here and eat with Lena, but once you do, you also feel guilty as hell for putting so much food inside you.
It has become an obsession. One you haven’t found a way to break. One you don’t want anyone to know or worry about. One that makes you feel shameful and worse every time you do it, which only leads you to doing it more.
“Ms. Luthor? I’m sorry to interrupt your lunch, but the scientists need feedback on the new prototype.” Lena’s assistant shoots as soon as she opens the door and when she is done talking, Lena looks at you apologetic.
“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’ll just say yes or no to this. Five minutes tops.”
“Oh,” you stand up when you see her moving. “I could-I could leave.”
“No, please don’t.” Lena holds your hand. “There’s still a lot to talk about and I haven’t seen you in weeks. Please stay. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay, yeah, sure.”
Lena smiles at you, before accompanying her assistant out of her office, leaving you alone. You’ve been here too many times before, so you know exactly where the bathroom is. You look around furtively, before making your way there. There’s no one around, but you make sure to check it three times before going inside.
“Oh, I forgot the-” Lena looks at you, kneeled before her toilet, and your mind goes blank for a second, before being filled with crappy explanations in an angry rush. “Oh, Y/N.”
It’s the way she says your name that gives away the fact that she knows exactly what is going on. Which makes your heart sit heavy inside, and the food comes back out without you having to force it.
“The sushi-” You try when you raise your head again. Lena doesn’t look like she’ll believe whatever you have to say for yourself, but she still makes her way to where you are and holds your hair in a high ponytail.
“You’re ok. Come on, darling. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
You’re filled with shame, and your face burns red in embarrassment. You can’t believe you got caught. You can’t believe Lena knows. She knows. It’s all you can think about. It’s your most stealthy and dark secret, something you wouldn’t -couldn’t- even tell your therapist, and yet, Lena knows.
And if Lena knows, then she’ll tell Kara. Then Kara will obviously tell Alex. Alex will tell her wife Kelly. And oh my God, the food tries to make its way back to your mouth and you breathe deep holding it down. Because somewhere between Lena helping you up and your negative thoughts while your mind spirals out of control, Lena is cleaning your face so you can’t throw up again.
She cleans one tear, you think, when her thumb strokes your face lightly. “It’s ok.” She guarantees.
But it’s not ok. It hasn’t been ok in months. It has been nothing, but you being stuck inside your raging mind, with a voice yelling that you’re not good enough, that everything you do is wrong, that you can’t control anything in your life except this. It’s a voice you haven’t heard before compelling you to act in the most harmful ways you can think of.
How do you tell Lena that you have been demanding, begging, for more work so you will have something else to think about aside from what to eat or not, how hard to exercise, how many calories you need to eat to survive, and how many can you take away from that, so you can continue to be in control of your body?
“Darling, you can talk to me.”
Can you? What can you say for yourself?
“Yeah, um, I think the sushi didn’t sit well.” You finally detach yourself from her, smiling through the tears. “Sorry you had to see that.” You flush and smile harder, forced, fake. “I should get going. You have to work, and I still have so many things to do.” You pass her going straight for your things, still talking, so she doesn’t have time to argue. “Thanks for this, Lee. I’ll see you soon, ok?”
“You promise?” Lena asks before you slip out the door.
“Yeah.”
What’s one more lie for someone who hasn’t been able to tell the truth for months?
To say that you threw yourself into work after that would be an understatement. Your sisters have been texting you for days about game night, then sisters night, then a CatCo event, but all of their texts are left on ‘seen’.
Sisters group chat:
Alex: What’s the point of a group chat if only me and Kara talk?
Alex: Y/N do you mind letting your sisters know that you are ok?
Kara: Y/N! ANSWER NOW OR I’LL SEND THE COPS!
Y/N: Gosh, you guys are so melodramatic. I’m fine!
Alex: Oh, would you look at that. She is alive, everyone!
Kara: Is she? Someone else might have her phone.
Kara: Picture now or I’ll still send the cops.
Y/N: Who are you sending over, Maggie?
Alex: Don’t be funny. Picture of yourself from now or I’ll call mom and tell her you’re on drugs.
Y/N: You wouldn’t dare.
Alex: Try me.
Y/N: You’re a dick.
Y/N: photo 📷
Y/N: Happy now?
Y/N: Hello?
Y/N: Alex DO NOT CALL MOM!
You abandon your phone on the dinner table, rubbing your eyes, trying to get rid of the sleep that is creeping in. You still have a lot of work to do, you need more coffee if you want to keep working.
It’s so fast the way your brain starts calculating how many calories you can still have today and if an extra cup of black coffee is worth all of it.
“Just one more.” You agree with your raging mind, while promising yourself you’ll eat even less tomorrow.
You’re on your way to the kitchen counter when you hear the doorbell. If they sent the cops, you swear to God.
“Baby.” Kara says, arms open wide, pulling you inside her arms for a long hug.
“I sent the picture!” You don’t make any move out of her embrace, but you’re annoyed they are both here after you did exactly what they asked and sent proof you’re still alive.
“And we saw that you’re still working!” Alex makes her way inside your apartment with two bags in her hands. It’s food. You can smell it and your stomach growls. “It’s late and it’s Sunday. Honestly Y/N, give it a rest.”
“I can’t.” You finally let yourself out of Kara’s embrace and turn around to look at Alex. “I can’t give it a rest until I’m done, ok? I have a deadline, Alex.”
“Baby.” Kara says again, and you turn to look at her this time. She looks at you in pity. “I haven’t seen you in a month, and I know you’re hungry. Let’s just eat together.”
“I’m not hungry.” Your stomach growls, proving that you are lying. “It’s growling with impatience.”
“Yeah, sure.” Kara ignores you, making her way inside to where Alex is. “I swear, next time I hug you I might break your bones if you keep forgetting to eat because of work.”
Hm.
They don’t know.
Lena didn’t tell them about the, um, incident.
“Guys, I appreciate you both worrying about me.” No, you don’t. You wish they would just leave you alone. “But this is a huge project, and the deadline is so close. I promise we’ll hang out more once I’m done with this.”
Kara, ignoring you completely, goes to your laptop, while Alex opens your fridge.
“Gee, there’s nothing here. This is either a fake fridge or you’ve found out a way to live without food.”
“Great, go around my apartment, why not?” You mumble to yourself and groan when Kara closes your laptop. “GODDAMNIT KARA!”
“Don’t worry, I know how to save a document.” She moves the laptop out of the way, along with all of your papers, making space for the food that Alex is bringing to set on the table.
“Seriously, I’m really busy.” You make your way to them, crossing your arms and hardening your features. Something’s gotta work.
“Sit down and have dinner, Y/N.” Alex pulls the chair for you. “I’m not going to say it twice.”
“I’m not your child, Alex.”
“I know you’re not. Because Esme knows when it’s time to eat, and she knows better than to argue with me about it.” Alex points at the chair, while passing Kara a dish. “Well?”
Reluctantly, you sit next to her. Kara serves you food, while Alex fills a glass of water for you. They wait until you have the first bite, so they can start eating too.
Your stomach thanks you, satisfied with real food going in, while your mind angrily shouts at you that tomorrow you’ll have to run farther, eat less, and so on. When you finish everything on your plate, feeling guilty and satiated at the same time, and are about to tell your sisters they have to leave so you can keep working, Alex clears her throat.
“So.” Alex starts, eyeing Kara to stop inhaling her food. “There’s something we want to talk to you about.”
Kara sets her food aside, looking way too serious. That makes your heart beat faster. “We’ve been noticing for a while that you haven’t been eating a lot.”
Oh no.
“Then Lena told me about what happened the last time you saw each other.”
“I felt sick with the sushi she bought. Don’t blame me.”
“We’re not blaming you.” Alex reassures you, immediately touching your arm for comfort. “We really just want to understand what’s going on, baby. We’re just worried.”
“You don’t have to. I’m fine.” They are not buying, and your heart is beating out of your chest, whilst your mind is being filled with blame and accusations. “I’m just working a lot and traveling so much.”
“Baby, your face is pale and bony. And just by looking at you I’m sure you are malnourished.” Alex gives you her best mother voice, and you think of all the times she’s done that before. “Don’t tell us there’s nothing wrong. We’re way past that. We want to understand what is happening with you, so we can help.”
Your first reaction is to fight it. To tell them there’s absolutely nothing wrong, that you don’t need help and that they must leave so you can go back to work. But it all comes crumbling down when Kara wraps you up in her arms, picking you up from where you are, and moving to the couch with you.
You feel like a child. Not only because of the way she’s holding you, or how they’re talking to you, but because you look so small when wrapped around Kara’s arms. You feel skeletal, your mind is sick and angry at your own existence, and sure, you are definitely malnourished.
So when Kara kisses the top of your head, and Alex sits on your coffee table with a worried face and a hand on your knee for encouragement, tears stream down your face uncontrollably.
“I don’t know what’s going on, I just-” You cry and cry. They wait patiently for your time, for your truth. “I just hate myself. And sometimes I hate everyone around me, and work and life. And God, this is the only thing I can control. It’s the only thing in my life I can control, so I need it.”
“Hey.” Kara kisses your temple. “You don’t need it. You don’t. We love you so much, baby.”
“But why?” You beg. “I’m not-”
“Yes, you are.” Alex stops you before you go on with harming words about yourself. “You are amazing. You’re smart, and sweet, and beautiful, and funny, and so important to us. You are everything you see on everyone else but yourself, ok?”
“Alex.” You cry her name out of your lips and she gets it. Your older sister completely gets you.
“I’m here.” She holds both of your wrists, squeezing it gently. “I’m with you. We’re with you forever and we’re going to get over this together, ok?”
“I don’t even know what to do, where to start, I-”
“To be honest, baby, neither do we.” Kara holds you tighter. “But here’s one thing we know. We’ll be with you every step of the way.”
“We’ll learn how to deal with it together.” Alex calms you. “One step at a time, ok?” She cleans your tears with her hands. “You’ll have everything you need. Medical help, our help, friends’ support. We’ll give you everything so you can overcome this, baby.”
Alex gets up from the coffee table and sits next to Kara. Soon you are enveloped between both of your sisters’ loving arms, while they restate that there’s nothing wrong with you, and that they love you very much.
You love them too, even if sometimes along the way to recovery you find yourself hating what they’re doing, you make sure to remember that you need them and love them so dearly much, and that they are the best sisters in the universe.
It’s a hard, long road full of bumps, cracks, and obstacles, but with their help it gets you where you need to be and you start feeling like yourself again.
#supergirl#kara danvers#kara x reader#lena luthor#lena x reader#alex danvers#baby danvers#alex x reader#supergirl fanfiction
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protagonists for the character questionnaire!
Oh goodness I hope you’re ready for another essay
Makoto my dear boy
Favourite thing? He’s the most some guy ever. Just a little creature. He’s so relatable because who among us hasn’t been in a situation where we feel wildly outclassed and surrounded by people who are cooler and more talented than us? Despite everything he just keeps going, what a legend
Least favourite is people who are wrong about him. How does anyone play that game and say he’s a nothing character? I just don’t get it, stop disrespecting my son
Honestly he’s got way more excellent lines than people give him credit for, but my favourite has to be “I always choose meat over veggies because I’m still in my teens… my meat teens.” Like WHAT are you talking about king I love it
Brotp probably him and Aoi. It’s the positivity besties
Otp is Naegiri. There’s just so much mutual respect between them and the story does a great job of writing them together that I can’t help but love him
Notp is probably just him with anyone that’s not kirigiri, or togami really. Whilst I personally hc Byakuya as aroace I do get why people ship naegami and I do think it’s kinda hilarious
I hc that him and Komaru are besties. Absolutely attached at the hip. They hang out all the time and he loves doing stuff with her, and is so so excited to introduce her to his new friends
The song I associate with him most is Fireflies by Owl City
Favourite art of him is the one where he’s tripping and his shoe just flies the fuck off. What a silly little man I love him
Hajime my beloved (I’m gonna be normal I swear)
To put it as succinctly as possible, he is just my favourite type of guy. He’s such a bitch, he’s so snarky about everything, he’s simultaneously the smartest and dumbest person in any given room, and he actually cares very deeply for things but he won’t readily admit to it. He’s got one of the more interesting arcs to me and in general I find him very relatable. He’s the best, my favourite protagonist probably
Least favourite is maybe less about him and more about Izuru Kamukura, and that is how underused he was. Obviously this is an opinion many people know about me, but it bears repeating because the concept of Kamukura was SO COOL and they barely even touched it and I’m mad about it every single day
Another guy that has so many good lines, but I think my favourite is “I thought I’d finally become someone I could be proud of, not some fucking backup student.” It just hits me so hard every time
Brotp probably him and Fuyuhiko or him and Impostor. I just think those three are the ones in the group with the highest sense of responsibility and they are the tired parents of this silly goofy pack of weirdos
Otp. It’s Komahina. Everyone knows this about me and I will refrain from writing an entire essay about why but suffice it to say. They are prefect
Notp is really anyone who’s not Komaeda, but specifically Nanami and Tsumiki are big on the No list for me
I have so many headcanons that my adhd brain can’t even begin to process them in a cohesive way, so I’ll just say that emo-punk autistic Hinata is my absolute beloved. Also man’s definitely has an anxiety disorder. And nooooo I’m definitely not projecting why do you ask
Unpopular opinion (so far the only character I’ve had one for) is that he’s not bi, he’s just gay. And look I love headcanoning every character ever as bi (again tooooootally not projecting) but whenever I replay/rewatch the game I see him being so gay about the men and being so uninterested in the girls (excepted for the super-forced hinanami stuff that I ignore)
I have sooooo many songs so I had to think about this a lot but I think I’m gonna say the best Hinata song is Life Less Frightening by Rise Against
Every image is the best image of him but specifically this one is so good
He’s fucking tired of this shit and he wants to be done with this despair nonsense and I love him for it
Shuichi Saihara, whom I am also normal about
It’s so hard to pinpoint why I love Saihara so much, but I think part of it is the fact that underneath his anxious exterior, he is actually very snarky. I’m always a slut for the sarcastic characters and I like the he is that as well as being generally polite to his classmates. He cares deeply and has a tendency to overthink things (totally not relatable) and I just need to give this poor man a HUG
Least favourite thing is how he interacts with Ouma in the canon outside of ftes. A good example of this being when he finds Ouma bleeding from the head on the floor and doesn’t seem to show any actual concern for him, which seems very out of character to me. I just think there was a lot more they could’ve done to build a connection between protag and antag that would’ve served to make the story more interesting, much the way the relationship between Hinata and Komaeda does
Short and sweet, my favourite Saihara line is simply “I refuse.” I am a big supporter of the idea that Shuichi should’ve been allowed to go a little crazy in chapter 6, and his whole telling off hope and despair speech was very fun. He really went “fuck you and your stupid game” and I just love it
Brotp has gotta be Kaito and Maki. I love the training trio and I think they have a great dynamic
Otp is saiouma. And yes I know I just raised a complaint about their lacklustre interactions in the game, but hey, canon can’t hurt me if I don’t look. There is a lot of potential for excellent character dynamics and that’s what I’m gonna focus on
Notp is saimatsu. Sorry anyone who likes them but it’s so comphet to me. Again, that is a gay boy and a lesbian, not a romantic couple
I hc that he really likes singing. Not to a professional degree or anything, but he does it while he works and it serves as a calming vocal stim for him. His voice is definitely very soft and sweet, which doesn’t lend itself well to his preferred genre of music (my sweet sweet emo boy) but that doesn’t stop him from trying
Again, so many songs I could choose from, but I will go with Swing Life Away by Rise Against because he’s just my sweet guy, my love, my boy
And once more, every image of Shuichi is my favourite, but I very specifically love his Serious Face sprite
I guess the takeaway is I like it when the protags get serious and start to shut shit down
#long post#like very long holy hell#thanks so much for the ask tho#I love my boys#also sorry for not including Komaru or Kaede but#this was already a million years long#and I’m not familiar enough with them unfortunately#anyways this was fun#lov u bestie#danganronpa#makoto naegi#hajime hinata#shuichi saihara#ask game#skaterboy answers
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D&D campaign.
(Eddie x Chrissy)
Chrissy and Eddie sat together at the bench on a Saturday evening, currently having lunch. Eddie knows about her eating disorder and try’s to nurture her carefully.
“Hey, do you have any other hobby’s beside cheerleading?”. He knows she loves cheerleading, but it’s good to have other interests right? “Oh, uhm. Not really.” And that is the truth, under her mom’s influence and the schools expectations she never really gets time to do her own things. “I actually played D&D once. When I was like 8 I mean.” Eddie’s face lights up, and eventually blushes due to thought of her playing D&D. How could Chrissy Cunningham have played the worlds most weirdest game? “No way! So you know the rules?” He asks, opening an idea to himself. “I mean- I probably forgot most of them but, yeah.” She admits through a bit of her salad. Eddie almost falls out his seat, putting his hands on his head. “This is awesome. You need to play with Hellfire sometime.” She smiles “I wish, but I have cheerleading practice when you guys play.” He smirks at her “That is not a problem for your concern Miss Chrissy” She blushes. “Just meet me at the janitors closet at 12:45 ok?” He says while getting of the bench. “But-“ Sh starts, “No buts!” He says while tripping over the leaves. She laughs and stares at him in disbelief. How could she blush over this man?
(Time skip to 12:40)
Chrissy arrived early, fidgeting next to the janitors closet. She feels the eyes of her peers on her. She starts to feel anxious, what would they think of her? If she was seen with Eddie and his club. As she continued to be lost in her own thoughts Eddie walks up, waving a hand in her face. “Hey Chrissy, didn’t think you would have made it.” She looks up at him and smiles, relived she’s not alone anymore.
He walks her to their club room, explaining the the rules on the way. She was, expectedly, confused over the 100 rules, plus, Eddie’s personal rules he made up. He stopped and opened the door, holding it open with one hand and motioning his other for her too walk in. She blushed at his chivalry move and walked through the door. Her eyes widened as the Hellfire club room beamed. Eddies friends, including Nancy Wheelers.. brother? They were laughing and playful yelling at each other, she stared in aw as they talked. “Alright my slaves, settle down. We have a new member!” I present to you.. Lady Chrissy.” She smiled awkwardly as they stared at her, why would Chrissy Cunningham? The queen of Hawkins High, be here?
As Eddie set up the game with them seated around the table, she felt eyes on her, some snickers and whispers. Her face got hot, she tugged on the sides of her cheerleader skirt. Should she leave? She thought to herself. Yes, I don’t belong here, I should get back to cheer practice- Right when she was about to get up from her chair, Eddie started. “You’re on a mission, a big one!” He nearly screamed, hands in the air. She looked at the other members, who were totally invested. She sat awkwardly, listening to only the beginning of this very long night ahead of her.
(Time skip to middle of the game)
Chrissy listened hard to the dungeon master. She was assigned as a Cleric, the party’s healer. Currently they are stuck in the haunted house in the Ghosts of Saltmarsh. One of the party members have been badly hurt by one of the lizard things, she doesn’t remember what their called. Although she healed him, accurately and well. They still give her dirty looks when she proposes an idea. Eddie looks at her empathetically, knowing what it’s like to be left out. “Alright guys, you’re going to need to accept our new cleric, Lady Chrissy, or I’m going to have to end this campaign.” He said crossing his legs with his hands intertwined. The party looks at him, all shouting different versions of; “What? You can’t just end the campaign? She doesn’t know how to play!” Chrissy’s head swims with embarrassment. “ As Eddie reasons with the group, she scans the game and the little figurines spreader across the board throughly, until she notices something. A way to escape, she immediately stands up. “Dungeon master!” They all look at her. “I know.. I know how to escape! She says with all confidence left in her body. Eddie smirks at her and she smiles back.
The party eventually gives in to her idea and they successfully escape. Nancy wheelers brother and his friend congratulates her while the others just sit in shock. She is shocked herself, but proud. She just found her new hobby.
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Adjustments
Work has been rough on me mentally the past few weeks - at this point maybe even months. There has been a ton of change lately and it’s been difficult for me to adjust. A big part of the problem is how much I care of what people think of me. I want to continue to prove that I am good at my job, but when I do that I make my people who I think are my friends upset.
I say I think these people are my friends because I simply don’t trust them. They all talk trash and although that all tell me I’m great and they love me, I just don’t believe it. The work place is toxic. I used to trust them until one person who I worked with closely basically told me they were upset that I was growing in my role and I didn't need them anymore I quote “became my own person”. Wouldn’t a real friend be happy for me? Wouldn’t a real friend not think selfishly about their friends success?
To really put the cherry on top of adjustment disorder struggles at work - my days off changed. Because of my TA I was on the bottom of the bottom when it came to getting whatever days I wanted off during the week. I thought I had a chance to at least get a solid set of days but I was wrong. I got stuck with Tues/Wed off which, not to be dramatic, kind of ruins my life. I can't make it to movie premieres on Thursday without trying to alter my schedule myself of call-out. All of my doctors appointments have been scheduled for Thurs/Fri already. It’s obnoxious of me to ask my boyfriend to consistently work around my schedule instead, I can’t hang out with my friends, and my sister isn’t going to understand the boundaries of us having different days off. I had an emotional breakdown over it, and the next day I was asked to accept a status position. If I was asked only a few weeks earlier, I would’ve got the days I wanted off and avoided all of my emotional mess.
Accepting my defeat
Accepting that this bad luck is simply just bad luck
Accepting that this is all out of my control
I was able to find some positives. Erik has WFH days he needs to use that he offered to use for me when I need a full day of him. I only have 2 “closing” shifts with this new schedule that still allows me to plan dinner with him and my other friends. Ali and I have Tuesdays off together so I can plan to really hang out with her more - she's a true friend. Having opposite days off than my sister will allow me to set boundaries at home easier - I may be able to slowly get her used to not being so dependent on me. I still have to find a way for her to be comfortable with me being with Erik so I can be honest with her and tell her that we want to move in together without her immediately feeling abandoned. The other positive about my new days off will be that I will rarely see my “work friends”. At first I was worried about not seeing them, because I wanted them to like and me and I wanted to be a part of their “group” - but since being around them I’ve noticed my mental health has not been at it’s best. I kept striving to make them happy rather than myself. I might be able to get scheduled for EA shifts with my new days off too!
The importance of a work/life balance is much more than a good schedule and good days off.
I’m going to therapy and I’ll be sure to address all of this with my therapist.
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y’all this is a little heavier and more personal than usual but
i’m really proud of my recovery journey so far. i’ve dealt with some pretty big emotions, grieved a lot, and really improved my self compassion. but one thing i still really struggle with is intimacy cos i crave it so much!! and i talk about it with some of my friends endlessly but in the moment i still freeze. like, i really want to share meals with friends and go out and eat but the lack of control around food is still a big barrier for me. i was supposed to be having dinner with a group of friends tonight but i bailed last minute. on one hand im glad cos i’ll actually eat a full meal at home (i wouldn’t have eaten much if i’d stayed) but it’s still something im sad about. another thing is physical intimacy with friends. i want to be able to hold my friends when they cry or casually lie on the couch with them, but because of some trauma from high school i just can’t bring myself to do it. even with people i trust and know wouldn’t hurt me, my body still locks up. idk what i want out of saying all this. i guess it’s just a vent about some obstacles in my healing process but i try not blame myself for this. i blame all the people whose actions resulted in these barriers being built. c-ptsd fucking sucks and so do eating disorders. lots of love to everyone on a similar journey rn 💖💖
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This is just a trans rant because I don’t have anywhere else to go and a lot of cool trans people are on here.
Obviously talking about transphobia in this and strong language is used, brief mentions of an ed and toxic relationships
I hate having to tone down my gender identity for cis people. If I explain to them that I’m like more of a genderfluid man who uses he/they/it pronouns they get confused and ask a ton of questions or just judge me for using it/its pronouns. My mutual @the-slasher-madame described gender the best by saying its a sea creature at the bottom of the ocean made of mystery meat that jiggles when you poke it. That’s kind of like gender for me. I know I am 100% not a woman but I prefer more general labels like genderfluid guy because that’s what I am.
Don’t get me started on how annoyed people get about me not sticking to the gender binary. Other trans people often are like “You’re the reason people are transphobic” like mf you have a single wrinkle in your brain if you think transphobes didn’t exist before it/its and neopronouns. Like why do you care if I use masculine and gender nuteral terms even though I’m afab. I’m literally a 5′4 17 year old who can’t do a push up and is scared of thunder storms and the leper from it, calm your fucking tits I’m not going to murder your family or make you transition.
Don’t get me fucking started on people constantly sexualizing me for being trans. I think it’s the combination of me being trans, chubby and sometimes being fem that makes people think it’s ok to call me sexual terms even though I clearly state I am a fucking minor. Even if I was an adult it’s not fucking ok to call a stranger a slur I don’t want to say becaus typing it let alone saying it makes me feel gross. I had an interaction with an ex of mine who complained when I told him to stop misgendering me because he “finds it really hot” and “thought I was into it”. Also speaking of exes I have had many exes try to explain to me, a trans person, how gender dysphoria works and how I don’t have it because sometimes I wear a skirt and do makeup and don’t bind 24/7. A lot of my exes have been from the UK which makes me want to hate the region as a whole but Brahms Heelshire and Christian Bales exists (along with other actors I’m forgetting) are from the UK so for now they get a pass.
People act like because I’m a minor I don’t know I’m actually trans but the moment I become and adult I’m “grooming” kids by talking about being trans. Hrt and other gender affirmations have saved my life. For the first 14 years of my life I thought I was a girl was hell for me. It only got worse as puberty went on. If I could have gone on hormone blockers before I started puberty I would have 100%. I remember being excited for puberty because I always felt like something about me was off so I thought thats what would fix it.
Also I don’t have to and am not going to debate my basic human rights and happiness with you. I deserve respect as a trans person and I deserve healthcare. On a side note America should step up like most other wealthy nations in the world and make heathcare free. Also I hate the fact the only trans men I really ever see are skinny, masculine and maybe cis passing trans men. Along with gender dysphoria I have body dysmorphia which makes me feel even worse about my body. It crushes me to think about how I’ll never look like other trans men or even cis men because of how big my rib cage is and how my shoulders are never going to be right. How I can’t get rid of stretch marks and I most likely will have to pay out of pocket for facial masculineization surgery. I struggle to lose weight for many reasons which has led to eating disorders and so much fucking guilt.
I remember being told by an ex that I’ll always be an ugly fat t slur and I often think back to those words. I’ve never felt healthy true romantic love and I feel like I never fucking will because I’ll always be an ugly, fat t slur. Even in friend groups I’m the odd one out, even among other trans people. I have to constantly explain I can’t do this or that because of my bone structure and weight and how I can never feel comfortable wearing anything and most of the time all the “help” or “tips” I get is equivilent to me asking for maple syrup and everyone telling me to go lick a maple tree.
This kind of explains why my comfort characters are slashers along with Carrie White and Ben Handscome. I can relate to what they deal with and while none of them are trans men (canonnicaly) I can still find comfort in knowing that someone else understands what it’s like. I know this is kind of over sharing and literally no one cares but I just have to vent these feelings somewhere and this is my blog where I can do what I want.
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What If I Was Born in a Different Time Period?
Around November last year, I hit the big 40. It was a big deal and there were good people who acknowledged my birthday. As an anime/manga fan for about 30 years now, it’s been amazing to see how much anime and manga have become mainstays in nerd pop culture. Yet as I continue to grow older, I can’t help but wonder about my place among a genre that continues to mostly captivate the young.
I say this because while I still love a lot of series that target youth, there’s things I can’t keep up with anymore or aged out of. That’s mostly due to fan enthusiasm and desire to talk with other fans. I do research and become passionate about other things, but I don’t really talk about them in great detail online. As Ogiue Maniax once wrote, social media discourse has become the main flavor in getting attention.
Also, recently, among the Discord groups I’m a part of, I sometimes feel like I don’t belong despite physically being there. I see the many folks in their ‘20s-’30s all going out and having fun. I’ve been dealing with constant health problems ever since I hit 40. Even when I do feel better, another setback occurs. It feels like it never ends. My mom did tell me that the older you get, the harder it is to recover from health ailments.
I had the grand thought of thinking “What I was in my ‘20s right now?” I thought this because of all the various platforms and outlets to find people with similar nerd interests to you today compared to when I was in my ‘20s. When I was younger, I didn’t really have many people to talk to about my hobbies. They weren’t as mainstream. I used to have a group of friends in high school who I thought were cool, but it felt like they never respected my hobbies and/or I pushed my interests too hard on them. Maybe it just wasn’t a good fit. I started to ask myself “If I were in my 20s’ right now, maybe I wouldn’t be diagnosed with clinical depression due to nerd culture being mainstream. Maybe I wouldn’t feel very lonely at times. I would have the energy to keep up with fans.”
Anyway, in some ways, I’m a bit jealous at the younger generations right now. But I think back to something my sister once told me about education. She told me that she’s worried about people growing up in U.S. schools today due to how bad it is compared to now. There’s just so much pressure to achieve in order to gain a “better life” and parents are forced to be part of a vicious cycle of hearing that they’re not good enough despite trying their best. The high suicide rates among the youth are also alarming. So maybe I’ll have to dial down my jealousy quite a bit.
I went back to a book I once read from someone living with mental illness and he talked about turning 40 while having bipolar disorder. He felt that everyone outgrew him during their ‘20s while he was trying to figure his life out for the longest time. He said that even though he’s 40, he feels more like someone in his ‘30s and has an easier time getting along with 25-year olds than people his age.
In some cases, this is true with me. I feel like I’m FINALLY starting to figure things out and mental illness took a good amount of time from me. When I was at Anime NYC and also with my local mahjong group, I had a fun time talking to and being around people younger than me. I think that’s due to my super-prolonged adolescence and delayed adulthood.
I can say “What if..” all I want and yet, I’ve felt content with where I’m at for now. I do want to do better things, but I now have some wisdom to say “it’s okay to be average” in a world where everyone is told that they’re “special” while not realizing that it can lead you to compare yourself to others in an unhealthy manner. I don’t think I would ever have that kind of knowledge if I was 15-20 years younger.
Sometimes, I’m still sad because of my age since things have definitely gotten a bit harder. It’s fine. I got reminders of what still makes me valuable. A much younger co-worker of mine once told me that I inspired him to keep up with his hobbies due to me being outspoken about them at work. When I told my mahjong group about how they helped me get through some very personal drama and discussed briefly my potential suicide attempt in 2016, their leader said “I’m so glad you made it through!”
So I’ll try to make the most of what I have right now even with all the feelings I feel. I’m actually glad that I managed to live a life so far where I haven’t been numbed to a huge degree. It’s not the “best” for most people, but I don’t think I could become a thoughtful person who’s cognizant of the things around me. There’s obviously things I could have done better and I’m still working on them. I’ll also be fighting ageist stereotypes as best I can.
I'll always ponder about being born in a different period of time. And I’ll try to make this time period different in a way I know that will work for me.
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Tw talks about bipolar disorder and adhd ahead
If a friend texts that she’s sick in a work group chat do you expect her to text you privately because you’ve made plans go to out to eat because she said “I’ll text you tomorrow how I feel”
When I asked about it I got this as an message “Also put in the group app that I'm sick. Thought that was clear” like bitch yes maybe to them but I’m not a fucking dog but I’d really liked it if you’d shot me a text privately.. ughhh it took everything in me not to tell her a private one would have been nice
Lately things she’s telling don’t match with what she’s telling at work. Now all of a sudden she has ADHD solemnly because her bf got in a small car accident which means she’s not the center of attention anymore. I told my mom about it and she found it strange like you can’t have bipolar disorder and ADHD (she never got officially diagnosed by a doctor.. as far as I know) ever since the new year started I feel like we’re kinda like casual colleagues and JUST friends you know like I don’t know shit about her anymore
(Also do I work with my /best/ friend yes. Do I regret telling 1,5 years ago that it was fine by me if she started working the same job as me FUCK YES. I’ve send you an ask about my best not so best friend last year or so. So maybe you know who I am, I also did send you an ask with a tw up top before. Anyways I feel a lot calmer now that I could vent to someone.)
Thanks for always listening to our bitch ass stories and giving feedback on what to do going forward. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.
hmmm. first of all, hug 🫂 i'm sorry the two of you have been going through a rough patch... such things always suck big time :(
so, i'd say it'd be best to communicate that with her — but in order to do that, i'd start calmly, when you're in a peaceful mindset, and not too angry anymore.
i think when someone's sick, the energy is quite low, right? perhaps she forgot your guys' plans (which sucks); or maybe she thought it'd be sufficient to put the message in your gc? yeah, i personally would still text someone privately, but that's different for everyone, too. though she probably could've phrased it nicer than she did...
about the bipolar/adhd thing, i unfortunately don't know enough about this, but i did a quick google search and apparently those two can co-occur? if someone's able to educate me on this, please feel free :') self-diagnosis, however, is never good, and it happens way too often these days.
so yeah, i think communication always helps if you're open for it!! if possible, suggest for her to go to a doc, too, bc they could give her a definite diagnosis at least. same with the friendship/colleague thing... spill it all out.
and you know, if that convo doesn't work out, that's okay, too. people grow apart, which can absolutely happen when you guys work together as well, since there are so many more layers you get to know about that person. sometimes their personality doesn't align with ours anymore. but i've had such convos before, and some made the friendship stronger and some ended them — both is ok and part of life !!
i'm really happy venting helped you <3 i'm here anytime, no worries babe. y'all are always here for me, too !! but yes, do try a convo — i'm trying to see both your povs and i feel like that's the best solution for now. good luck, love 🥺
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Komi Can’t Communicate S2 – 07 – …But Sometimes She Can
Komi is haunted by the possibility Najimi saw her holding Tadano’s hand as he slept. She spends all night trying to word a letter of explanation, but because she’s not 100% sure Najimi did see it, she doesn’t want to write anything to make Najimi suspicious. Meanwhile, Tadano wants to thank Komi for coming by, but isn’t 100% sure whether she was actually there or if she was just part of his fever dreams.
In their efforts to not say something that will give the other party the wrong idea, the misunderstandings only mount. Ironically, this is a sign that Komi is indeed becoming better at communicating. She is not just thinking internally and freezing up like the past, but trying to figure out what someone else is thinking or intended. That said, Komi was most certainly not just “checking his pulse!”
The last few episodes have shown an incremental uptick in the Komi x Tadano romance angle, but there are always new weirdo friends to meet, and this week’s is Naruse, whom I honestly can’t remember even in the background of previous episodes, but maybe that’s the point. As invisible as he’s been to me (and the rest of the gang), he is absolutely in love with himself.
Nine months into the school year, Naruse finally decides now is the time to approach Komi. One interesting bit of possibly accidental perceptiveness on his part? He assumes Komi has never spoken to him due to a communication disorder, for which he doesn’t judge her. But he clearly has a blind spot when it comes to the protective wall of secondary friends surrounding Komi, Tadano, and Najimi; he assumes they’re all his fans even if that’s a very big delusional reach.
When Komi returns his hanky that he saw him drop, he assumes it’s a sign she’s in love with him. Because of this, he’s a bit too forward in asking for her contact info, and gets Tadano’s instead. Naruse also has a constant deadpan translator/commentator in Chuushaku Kometani, who I wished would have gotten in a narration fight with the usual female narrator; to no avail.
The third and final segment returns us to the central romance as groups are to be formed for the upcoming class trip to Kyoto. When Tadano asks where she went for middle school, she says Kyoto, but after that she starts acting squirrelly even for her. Tadano correctly assumes she’s not feeling okay. After what may be the first instance I can recall of Najimi getting the eff out of the way, Tadano asks her about it, and she initially says it’s nothing, she’s fine, and they part ways.
But then, when they’re still only about ten feet away, she calls him, and tells him what’s been eating her: she lied about going to Kyoto. Her class went to Kyoto, but she was the last person chosen for a group, which picked her by playing jankenpon. She’ll never know whether the other members of her group welcomed her with a smile, were offended by her presence, or didn’t care one way or another…because she couldn’t raise her head.
It’s Komi’s most extensive and most heartbreaking sharing of her bad old days before she met Tadano (and Najimi), and Koga Aoi does the lord’s work infusing Komi’s tiny voice with meloncholy and longing. It’s also probably the most she’s spoken continuously yet; another sign that things aren’t the same as they were then, and never will be.
Tadano tells her she has friends now. Even if some of the others would “rather be with someone else” (highly arguable), Tadano would rather be with her than anyone else. He adds Najimi in there in case he sounds too forward, but I think Komi gets the idea as she hangs up and finishes their talk in person.
After talking with Tadano, Komi feels a lot better and is actually looking forward to the trip. The next day, in a complete inversion of her traumatic middle school experience, every single girl in the class wants to be in the same group as Komi, so the teacher has to employ a lottery system. To them, being able to spend time with her isn’t a burden; it’s a prize.
By: sesameacrylic
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Fight Club (the book): Review
Honestly, I feel a little bit disappointed, because I watched the movie before reading the book and all the suspense was robbed for me. Is it me or the end is different (death or jail)?
A good summery at page 167, "I said that if you talked about me behind my back, you'd never see me again," Tyler said. "We're not two separate men. Long story short, when you're awake, you have the control, and you can call yourself anything you want, but the second you fall asleep, I take over, and you become Tyler Durden."
Also, for me everything started when Marla came to the support groups (page 24). We will never know the name of the protagonist, right?
The book is more of a twisted hate / love story in the end for me (page 197 and 205), with a fight against the consumer society.
I have just noticed that the first chapter was actually about the end (page 11 to 15).
From the beginning we learned that the character cannot sleep since three weeks and "everything becomes an out-of-body experience," (page 19), or "This is how it is with insomnia. Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. The insomnia distance of everything, you can't touch anything and nothing can touch you" (page 21 and 96-97).
On the opposite, "Every time you fall asleep," Tyler says, "I run off and do something wild, something crazy, something completely out of my mind" (page 163 and 174) or to summery, "This is a dream. Tyler is a projection. He's a disassociative personality disorder" (page 168 and 196).
We meet the famous Tyler Durden at page 25.
The protagonist job is terrible, those poor victims.
When we learn about the five rules of fight club at page 48 to 50.
We learn more about Marla at page 61. I'm so team Marla, especially when she said, "You're such a flake. You love me. You ignore me. You save my life, then you cook my mother into soap" (page 160). The protagonist is really one of Marla's stories (page 183).
The most disgusting thing Tyler did with the soup, page 85.
Then, there is the Project Mayhem at page 119 and its five rules (page 122 and 125).
Are all the space monkeys men? (page 130)
At page 136, they are using human fat to make soap?
I didn't understand the dog's name reference "Entourage", because he feels so lonely? (page 146)
RIP Big Bob (page 177), at least better dying like this than from cancer.
Oh and the boss is dead (page 185).
Almost all the sign of Insomnia: page 19, 21, 22-23, 24, 25, 96-97, 99, 101, 122, 162.
All the clue that the protagonist and Tyler are the same person: page 26 (I know this because Tyler knows this), 27, 32, 33, 48 (I did this to myself), 52 (I did this to myself), 54, 56 (I dreamed I was humping Marla Singer), 59 (I dreamed I was humping Marla Singer), 65, 68, 71, 75, 78, 93 (It wasn't me. It was Tyler), 94 (Until I found Tyler or until Tyler found me), 112 (I know this because Tyler knows this), 114 (Tyler and I were looking more and more like identical twins), 116, 123, 124, 129 (Good cop. Bad cop), 138 (I'm still asleep. Here, I'm not sure if Tyler is my dream. Or if I am Tyler's dream), 140 (Is this a test? Are you testing us?), 155 (These are Tyler's words coming out of my mouth. I am Tyler's mouth. I am Tyler's hands), 157 (If you can wake up in a different place. If you can wake up in a different time. Why can't you wake up as a different person?), 158 ("You stopped in last week, Mr. Durden," he says. "Don't you remember?"), 159 (You have a birthmark, Mr. Durden, the bartender says. On your foot").
It's finally at the page 167-168, that we learn the true identity of Tyler Durden, "Tyler Durden is a separate personality I've created, and now he's threatening to take over my real life" (page 173).
I really didn't understand chapter 30, especially page 207 and 208, is the protagonist dead or just in jail?
Nice quotes:
- page 46: "May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect."
- page 49: "Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer. Tyler never knew his father. Maybe self-destruction is the answer."
- page 50: "The gyms you go to are crowded with guys trying to look like men, as if being a man means looking the way a sculptor or an art director says."
- page 58: "Sometimes you do something, and you get screwed. Sometimes it's the things you don't do, and you get screwed."
- page 62: "Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains."
- page 69: "So, I say, how is Marla? Tyler says, "At least Marla's trying to hit bottom.""
- page 70: ""It's only after you've lost everything," Tyler says, "that you're free to do anything.""
- page 99: "Maybe, I say, you shouldn't be bringing me every little piece of trash you pick up."
- page 108: "Marla's philosophy of life, she told me, is that she can die at any moment. The tragedy of her life is that she doesn't."
- page 126: "If you know where to look, there are bodies buried everywhere."
- page 137: "A telephone was ringing in my dream, and it's not clear if reality slipped into my dream or if my dream is slopping over into reality."
You shouldn't definitively watch the movie before reading the book.
Bonsoir.
Thank you, next.
#fight club#livre#book#book lover#bibliophile#book therapy#book addict#book community#book show#quote#quotation#citation#quotes#tyler durden
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A Letter to the RPC
I don’t usually do OOC posts, I have a big rule about keeping the OOC stuff on the OOC blog, however, a couple of days ago I came across one of those blogs that talk about the celebrity roleplay groups, players and admins in the community. After reading through the blog I sent them a response and last I checked they hadn’t posted it or said anything about it so I’m posting it myself because I feel like everyone who knows me or has heard of me should read this.
https://celebrpanonymous.tumblr.com/ is the blog
-Sarah
Hello, there, Sarah here. I just discovered this blog today and I took the time to read everything that was said about me and I wanted to reply if that's okay? You can post this if you wish to.
I have been around since almost the very beginning of tumblr RP. I've started several groups and I've been in a few other groups I never was the admin for. I started roleplaying in October 2011 and opened celebrpg in 2012. At the time I was in a different group and didn't like how it was run and decided to open a group that was for the players. Where they got to do more of what they wanted. I'm truly sorry to everyone if that never came across or didn't come out exactly right, but that's always been my MO in every group I open. I noticed someone said something about my lack of social skills and how I shouldn't be a head mod because of them. I'm on the autism spectrum, something I didn't know until I was in my mid twenties. Also in my mid twenties I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and 3 years ago my husband killed himself. Tumblr RP was the only thing that held me together the last 11 years and I personally don't think anyone should be told they can't do something because they're socially awkward if it's something that is saving their life. I try really hard to be nice and friendly to everyone and what most people take as a tone or me getting upset isn't anything of the sort. I DO have social issues, I DO have a tendency to defend myself because I've always felt very misunderstood, but I NEVER meant to make so many people upset.
I've planned quite a few plots with people, I've been screwed over on plots that were promised to me but then the other player changed their mind and then I myself have changed my mind about something too. I've gotten upset OOC when a ship I love ends (and so have other people) and maybe me expressing myself to people I thought were my friends got taken the wrong way. I've talked to a few people about how they thought I was trying to guilt them into something when I swear I wasn't. On my end it feels like someone tells me something, I give them my opinion, and then suddenly I'm the bad person who's guilting them into something. Of course I've been sad when I've lost ships. Ships that were my main source of escape at that particular time period and I expressed my sadness. Maybe that came off as a different emotion? Maybe I don't know how to express tone properly when writing as myself so I do always try to clarify what I mean. That was something that took me a long time to figure out how to do but once I was diagnosed bipolar I had to start learning my triggers and moods and over the years how my perception is different on things than most people. Me expressing my sadness about losing a ship was NEVER me trying to guilt anyone into anything, just like when people have expressed their sadness to me about a ship ending because I didnt want to do it anymore I never took their sadness as guilt tripping so I've never understood why I've been taken that way.
I don't want to make excuses for the way I was in the past and I know that's what it sounds like I'm doing, but what I am trying to do here is get people to know that I have no bad intentions. I just want to play and when a group has been open as long as carpediem has it does build up a lot of history. It's a lot of time and effort that people have put into storylines. It's not fair for the players still in the group to have to give up their storylines when they're the ones who have played them all this time. Now, if both/all players involved in a plot leave the group then all the history gets erased and that's happened several times. There are certain plot points that are too major to the game play, to the overall storyline that would be too hard to erase now unless the whole group were to erase EVERYTHING and start brand new (which has been an option thrown around a couple times over the years) The history rule isn't meant to force people into things, it's to keep things realistic because in real life we can't just erase parts of our past.
The last thing I want to address is my lack of time on the main page. Over the years I saw groups get super strict with their activity rules to the point where people who had jobs and school and other things to do couldn't keep up and they'd get removed. I'm 33 years old with a full time job and a part time job. I'm trying to stay afloat since my husband died and it's not easy. I don't have the time to get online and promote the main page like I used to when my husband was alive or before I moved in with him and all I did was sit in bed all day too depressed to do anything else. I've come a long way on that aspect but I still want to RP. I still want to have a place where people can come and go and not worry about losing their roll because they haven't been active for a week. The activity became lax at carpediem and because of my husband dying and living where I was living I didn't and still don't have internet. Everything I do on the computer has to be done during the time that I'm in the office and if work is really busy that day well then unfortunately whatever work I wanted to do for the group was pushed aside. Britt stepped up a lot and started helping out in every single way possible and if it wasn't for her the group probably would have closed a long time ago. Carpediem is a group of people who have busy real lives, who can't get on every day, but I like to believe we're all still invested to these lines we've been writing for almost 8 years and that's why certain people are still there.
I want to genuinely apologize to everyone who has felt some type of way from me. I try really hard and I have the best intentions but I feel like Rachel Berry in Glee singing "Get it Right." Reading the things that were said about me on this blog made me feel absolutely horrible about myself. I never knew that people hated me so much, especially in the one place I actually felt free to be myself for a long time. I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry and I'll continue to try to be better.
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Neurodiverse people
Is anybody exhausted of listening to people talk about us to raise awareness and having to hear about Richard flipping Branson or how we are good at creative things or memory or being flexible one more time.
Boi and WOOOhMen please.
Richard Branson isn’t the only successful dyslexic and the seminar doesn’t help NT people to understand us if its the same one every time.
We also need to stop being a exclusive group, and gatekeeping cause no ND person is the same and we don’t need to be good or bad at anything to any degree.
We hurt each other. If you can read and your dyslexic, you aren’t creative and you are dyslexic or have ADHD or anything they say we need, your autistic and you aren’t good at maths or remembering, or are highly creative( as most autistic people I know are) I love ya.
If you weren’t included, you don’t see yourself in the media. You are valid and real as hell.
If you are mentally ill and everything that you had that made you like being ND has been hidden( or was if you can’t see your light) - the sun will come out and you don’t need to be especially good or wonderful. Most NT people aren’t famous and the most talented in their field. I see you !
We are normal and the pressures are trash.
We are all fricking wonderful, and worthy of love no matter what.
Unifrog has got most things right though: equity around treatment of people. I mean we hear equity when we talk about exam/ classroom( though we do need more) arrangements or access but we don’t talk about the issues with medication for some people with ADHD ( eating disorders being a big struggle for some for example) and how we should be weighing up the pros and cons of the help we give and take our opinions about what works seriously. We know more than you. If we want to have only one part of our arrangements we have a good reason- and you give our arrangements to the whole class or another kid as well sometimes so I don’t think your judgement is of much use to me. ( I am not upset if its a kid who clearly is struggling to get the grade thy could or have any struggle at all but my whole GCSE chemistry and the highest achieving History students in the actual GSCE). Not talking down to others and looking at our needs not symptoms.
But I just want you guys to know your loved and there is no one way to exist -okay!
Love you and love others
#I will talk about eating behaviours#and i want to hear you calling out anything that has hurt you.#your loved#neurodiversity#actually dysgraphic#actually dyspraxic#actually dyslexic#actuallymentallyill#we are real#richard branson#unifrog
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Also I never thought about having HPD for myself because I didn’t necessarily “fit” some of the more overt… symptoms? Behaviors? Idk. I also didn’t know very much about it either. But some of the stuff you’ve been reblogging about HPD touches on my behavior a Lot More Than I Realized. Especially in that Harley Q/Joker post thing you mentioned, I did nearly Every Part Of That, sans tattoos but literally only because I didn’t have access to an artist. I also have this insatiable void of needing attention all the time, not validation or approval necessarily, just “keep your eyes on me and Only on me or I will have a meltdown :3”. It’s worse when combined with being BPD because my FP is literally the person for whom most of that attention cravings come from but again, turning back to that insatiable void of attention. I didn’t think I was the type to attention-seek because I also kind of hate being the center of attention and hate being around people and tend to drain real easy, but also I do tend to exaggerate emotions and split when I don’t get what I want out of them. I’m constantly pulling 180s on what I want out of people tho tbh. But I just wanted to say that bc of your posts and reblogs and writing from your point of view, it’s made me consider looking more into HPD for myself. -Cybergoth. (This is an ask of appreciation btw. I’ve been struggling with that side of my behavior for so long and I could not figure out why I would do all these ‘out-of-character’ behaviors and why I couldn’t handle it but your blog has provided much needed insight into things I could never proper understand. I think there needs to be more spotlight on HPD as a disorder rather than just getting sidelined as ‘misogyny diagnosis’)
I’m so glad my posts/reblogs helped you with that!!
It’s always super important to remember that personal experience and comorbidities will affect how you experience a disorder, like for me I do have generalized anxiety disorder which definitely does affect my HPD! A few years ago I didn’t dare wear sunglasses outside because of my anxiety, chokers were a big no no even though I loved wearing them in the house, I wore leggings and hoodies because I just couldn’t stand being looked at while still craving being loved and admired by everyone and wanting all the attention in the world (plus all the other symptoms were still very present). So I do think it’s valid of you to have issues with being the centre of attention but still somehow fit that symptom, things like that are often more complicated than we’d like and a disorder can contradict our personal preferences (which I will say is a complete nightmare)
To me what you’re describing does feel like HPD (tbh anyone that even remotely relates to Harley especially from a perspective like the post I made about it should be looking into HPD lol), and if you have a FP that definitely will affect how symptoms manifest.
HPD isn’t necessarily about validation - it often is but a lot of the time if we don’t get the positive and validating attention we’ll just start doing whatever the fuck we can to be looked at and talked about
I also drain easily but I am an extrovert, I love being in groups and talking and having fun, so for me being the centre of attention and main subject of the conversation is the most important part of going out (HPD + autism perk: if people talk about my special interest it will have the same effect that if they talk about me which makes it easier to guide a conversation without seeming completely selfish). I will behave with new friends exactly how I behave with old friends, I don’t really care at the moment of a conversation happening, so yeah for me the more outgoing symptoms are very present. Still, there are some days I can really relate to what you’re saying, sometimes I’m too tired and don’t have the energy for my theatrics but I still crave the attention while hating being the centre of it because I can’t keep up the act but fuck if everyone doesn’t keep looking at me like I’m a star than I’ll kms.
Pulling 180s on people is very relatable, I’m never sure what I want/what kind of attention I want/how much I want/when I want to go recharge by myself, which makes things complicated and I do think it’s normal especially if you have the good old ‘tism + BPD combo
Overall I do think HPD can show itself in many ways (just like NPD and BPD - sorry I haven’t heard any “sub categories” (?) for ASPD but I’m sure there is, ie: quiet BPD or covert narcissism and stuff) and if you relate to a lot of symptoms especially when someone who has them talks about it and not just when an ableist site refers to it with a misogyny filter, I do encourage you to do more research and seek out more posts coming from others with it (culture blogs are always nice to look through)
Sorry this got long lol I’m always down to talk about HPD especially since barely anyone does (the irony isn’t lost on me) and I hope this made sense and didn’t stray too far from what you’re saying!
I do also want to add that I agree, HPD deserves more recognition and should be talked about more, especially since it is either unknown or seen as a misogynistic diagnosis (I think ppl who see it as misogynistic miss the point that this disorder is often developed BECAUSE of misogyny for anyone socialized as a woman - where it’s a bit like “you want me to be the villain? Fine, I’ll be the villain” but in a not-choice way where your brain just breaks at one point because you can’t take it anymore and your brain needs to reclaim the trauma as something empowering to help you cope with the constant objectification but like this isn’t the point of the post so I won’t write an entire essay about it, it’s just important to remember that symptoms don’t hold morale or consciousness, they’re just symptoms and so calling a cluster of symptoms that a lot of people experience something that’s inherently misogynistic hurts those with the symptoms instead of calling out the misogyny in the world that most likely cause those symptoms in the first place) (… I don’t think I’ve ever said “symptoms” that much in one phrase before lol)
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My mom asked my dad “ Why did you teach your daughter to settle for less?”
My dad taught me a lot of things and settling for less wasn’t one of them. I was in a verbal abusive relationship, I talked to the people I was close with and I was ashamed to talk about it because theres no one to blame, not even myself. My dad taught me to always be kind to one of another because at the end of the day; you don’t know what anyone is going through. We we’re going through a time where trauma was being over looked. My dad taught me to be true to yourself because the ones that love you will show it, the ones that care about you will hangout with you without being under the influence. My dad listened to me when I felt like no one was. Word can’t express how much BOTH of my parents mean to me. My dad is my rock and I watched him struggle but come out feeling on top of the world. I love all of my family equally but me going through my own troubles in love isn’t anyone to blame. Everything in life was a lesson, we’re learning everyday since we was born. I always knew when I couldn’t handle things that I can talk to my family. Going through my last relationship has taught me so much, I at first thought that I could help him, I put his feeling in consideration before mine not realizing after so long it takes a toll on me and its not that I didn’t love him enough; I didn’t truly love myself until having my son. I love my son more then anything, having him makes me realize so much more about myself. My relationship wasn’t something I wanted to show my son, I wasn’t being fulfilled in my relationship after a while. I don’t wish bad on anyone I only wanted him to be happy but I just didn’t want to be around him because of what our relationship was in the beginning and yea they have their ups and downs but on my end it was always down. At first I felt happy because when we met I was going through grief at the time and he was the one to pull me out of it. I’m being honestly with myself for the first time that my feelings weren’t ever in consideration. I felt belittled when I would open up to him and he would say “ you don’t know what its like not growing up without a dad” I even don’t like talking about this because to me it makes me feel mean but growing up with my parents both being alcoholics I was always scared of losing both of them and it felt like he was putting the fears back in my head. We was triggering each other and ever time I talked about it my feelings always ended up hurt. Looking back there was many red flags that I wasn’t aware of. My healing journey isn’t his, and his healing journey isn’t mine.
In May of this year I got diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder and it made me cry because it makes so much sense of why I was feeling the way I did and it went undiagnosed for too long, in my mind I thought I was fine but when I look back; I just want to give myself a big hug. My life felt like it was a mess. I didn’t know what depression was when I first knew something wasn’t right, I didn’t know what anxiety felt like. I didn’t know in Major Depression also ties in with anxiety and never knew which one was worse. The feeling of not being able to talk, the feeling I felt approaching a group of people, feeling alone and isolated. I don’t like putting it this way because many people struggle with mental illness of some sort but at the time I didnt know how to talk about how I felt. The times I was hard on myself; My friends were the ones to lift me up. When I thought I was the worst human being in the world my friends would remind me of how much I mattered and if I did commit suicide, how deeply I would be missed. My last episode scared me because it was one of the times I didn’t want to feel that way anymore because I have a son and I want to put my mental health first so I can take care of him properly. When I was going through my depression, I felt like I was the worst mom ever, going to his check ups always made me feel better because they reassured me that he’s healthy and happy. I love my baby with everything I got in the world, its been hard by myself but it will get better.
For the first time, I found love in myself, I am proud of who I am.
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Streets of rogue mood ring
She has a Facebook group for parents, The Stable Table, and for partners, The Stable Bed. She works as a parent and partner coach and regularly trains health care professionals, including psychiatric residents, pharmacists, general practitioners, therapists, and social workers, on bipolar disorder and psychotic disorder management. Julie is also a researcher and educator who focuses on bipolar disorder prevention and ways to recognize mood swings from the beginning-before they go too far and take over a person’s life. She is a longtime bp Magazine writer and the top blog contributor, with over 5 million blog views. 2), and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. Fast is the author of the bestselling mental health books Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner, Getting It Done When You’re Depressed, OMG, That’s Me! (vol. Julie Learn more: Why I Take Medication for My Bipolar Depression Relationships & The Bipolar Trap I also rely heavily on the people around me and my health care team to point out if I am sick and can’t see that I’m in a mood swing. What is your plan for rogue mood swings? I’ve taught myself to look for them and expect them, especially as I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder. They drop in our lives fully formed and have to be treated quickly. How did I miss this episode? Well, some episodes don’t take their time. So always keep that in mind.Īs someone who constantly monitors the illness, I always feel ashamed that I didn’t catch the mood swing before it went so far. There is one catch I do want to talk about here where it looks like you’re having a rogue mood swing and yet in reality, you are having a reaction to a new medication. They’re always shocking and often catch everyone by surprise. They can break through medications and even the most successful management plans. We will have small signs we are getting sick, but rogue mood swings hit us like a sledge hammer and boom, mistakes are made. It really is the norm for our mood swings to start slowly. For example, a person who has previously been happy in a relationship might suddenly get manic and decide to pursue a relationship with someone else in what seems like an overnight decision. These rogue mood swings can be very, very upsetting because many people take them as fact and act off of the symptoms. You simply have no idea what has happened. (If you are a woman, this is not PMS crying.) You feel a cascade of negative thoughts of how life is no good and you are going to die one day and there are so many poor people and you don’t know how you will stay on this earth. Life is OK and nothing big is happening and one day in the car you just start crying. You have been stable on medications for a few years. We are often unprepared and may go for days without realizing how sick we are. Many of our mood swings are triggered, but rogue mood swings simply show up and hit us like a big wave. They often break though medications that have been working and I define them as brain chemical mood swings. Rogue mood swings come out of nowhere without a trigger. Rogue mood swings often come without warning and can be overwhelming, but realizing what they are and being aware of them can help.
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Hello darkness, my old friend... 10/04/22
Well, I’m not sure where to really start. I know no one is reading this because I have no followers on this little secret blog of mine. I tried doing a spam account on Instagram, but the feed/posts on there are too.. how do I put this...? Censored? Vanilla? Irrelevant? Whatever, I guess since no one is reading this it doesn't matter cause it makes sense to me.
Anyways, soooooo much has changed. I mean, literally everything. Instead of having a group of close friends, I have none. None that I can really tell these thoughts to. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister and brother and the four friends I do have. (Shoutout to Becky, John, BJ, and Harlee *names have been changed*). I love my boyfriend, Jay, too. Despite all the drastic changes (especially with COVID) the past couple of years, things are looking up in most aspects of my sorry excuse for what I call a life. Everything except my body. *insert vomiting emoji x1,000*
16 y/o me would be devastated if she could see me now. I promised myself I’d never get above 150lbs again. I also promised myself I’d never ever EVER hit 200lbs no matter what... Well here I am. 200lbs of fat and grossness lacking basic self-control when it comes to food. At least I’m not a complete failure and haven’t relapsed on cutting.
This is a different level of F A T cause I’m actually technically O B E S E. These are things I’ve never experienced. I have nasty stretch marks on my stomach. At first they were just at the bottom where my “pouch” is, but I noticed today there’s one trying to creep up at the top... My stomach has rolls. Not like the cute little ones that skinny girls have only when they sit down. Actual rolls, when I’m standing. The kind that jiggles with every step. My thighs and arms have new stretch marks too. My thighs smush together as if they’re allergic to oxygen. It’s actually quite revolting. When I go to shave, I have trouble reaching everywhere and I can’t see past my stomach. Even my hands and face are fat. I can’t wrap my fingers around my wrist anymore. My cheeks are incredibly chubby and I no longer have ‘good angles’ due to my massive double chin. And gods forbid someone wants to take a picture of me standing next to my sister.
I think that’s what’s triggered me to come back to this *begrudgingly* “lifestyle”. My cousin and I talked on the phone today because my family is getting concerned about how much weight my sister has lost. Fortunately, she doesn’t deal with an eating disorder, but she does struggle greatly with anxiety, which for her causes lack of appetite and weight loss. I just think it’s really funny how when I lost hella weight in high school, no one gave a single shit. And I was straight up starving myself, b/p constantly, taking tons of diet pills, and taking laxatives. Not to mention over-exercising. Anywayssss. She had a whole ass kid and is STILL skinner than me. Well, I’m not skinny, so whatever you call it. I hate comparing myself to her, but everyone has compared me to her my whole life, so it’s just natural for me I guess.
I know where I’ll end up if I take this too far, so I have to be super careful. It’s easy to take it too far, especially when I have a record a mile long of taking shit too far. I just need to lose 80lbs. That’s it. A healthy 120lbs. I don’t wanna be stick thin like I kind of used to be. I look back at pictures and get grossed out by how skinny I was (a few pounds shy of 100). I want to be *slim thicc*. Ya know, flat tummy, big(ish) booty, toned arms and thighs. I could even stand 130lbs if I have a good bit of muscle on me. I just know I can’t stand to look the way I do now any longer. I’ll do whatever it takes. If I have to starve a little then so be it. I don't care anymore, I'm just tired of looking like this. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I hate what I see. I'm disgusting.
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