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#love knowing how dependent I am on medication and knowing how much I can’t function without it
heyitssashag · 8 days
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It’s been a busy few days and the fatigue has been brutal.
I finished this book, yesterday:
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It was good. A quick read. I also liked the fact he referred to big (often well-known) studies. I’m so tired of reading books where people use tiny, out-dated, obscure studies to back up their health-related claims.
“A study of 12 people in 1974 who ate 17 grapefruits a day, bathed in mustard and did handstands every morning cured their migraines in 3 days.” …I’m obviously being sarcastic but some of the studies quoted are ridiculous and completely self serving.
Anyway, this book was a bit repetitive but the author was trying to drive home the message that a clean, vegan diet is beneficial for hormone balancing. It also says to reduce all fats (even healthy ones like olive oil, nut butters or avocados). I think he says this mostly because hormones are stored in body fat and he said the most effective way to balance hormones is to be a healthy body weight. Added saturated fats *may* cause weight gain (depending how much you eat).
I am a healthy body weight but I need more energy. Menopause (and cancer) has been an asshole. My cancer is also hormone positive. So… today is my second day of eating vegan. It’s going well. I’m on my 4th cycle of chemotherapy and normally I would have had gastrointestinal issues by now but I don’t. I think it was the dairy. I was eating a lot of yogurt (especially in the evening) as I thought it would help with gut health but now I know it made it worse. I also ate quite a bit of cheese. Plus, I added a lot of cream in my coffee. Now, I just stopped drinking it. Having herbal tea instead. The book tells you to try out the vegan diet for 3 weeks as you should start feeling better and labs should start improving. So I will try it. Diets are like medications where there’s no “one size fits all”. Just have to try different ones to see what helps and works for you.
I’ve also started reading The Metabolic Approach to Cancer. It’s got a ton of info and is pretty dry. I’m not sure what I think of it yet. Of course, one of the things it talks about is the keto diet. Personally, I don’t think that it works for most cancers. It may for some. Who knows, maybe I’ll try it at some point but I was advised against it as it can trigger a rapidly low mood (especially in the beginning). I’m generally open to anything that’ll potentially make me feel better, not worse.
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Why am I reading these books? I know that going on medications is only part of the puzzle piece. I have to make sure I get enough exercise, sleep, water, rest as well as fun/joy and laughter. Nutrition is a huge part though. Can’t really expect to function like a normal human being if you’re fuelling with the wrong foods. That often takes some trial and error. I’ve been vegan before a few times and felt good on it. Then I’d get lazy and fall off the wagon. So I’ll see how this time goes. I’ve got (easy) meals planned out for the week and all the groceries were delivered. Trying to set myself up for success.
The kid is also doing well on their gluten-free diet. They said they’re feeling way better (no longer bloated or constipated) and are sticking with it. I’m so glad they’re getting results so fast. I’ve also noticed their mood is changing in a positive way, too.
Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my favourite counsellor. I’ve also got a butt-load of paperwork to get through along with follow up phone calls and emails to make. I made an extensive to-do list and hope to get everything ticked off ✔️ by the end of the month. I love ticking things off. It’s a great dopamine hit.
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hamstermastersamster · 10 months
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Finished first playthrough of The Quarry with my sis and bro-in-law.
When I originally played (and loved) Until Dawn, I knew what I wanted was another story like it with a new cast and more choice and nuance and variables to play with. The Dark Pictures Anthology didn’t really feel like it achieved this, with smaller, more compact stories that have overall just been a bit less compelling somehow (not helped by how many of them have ‘twist’ endings that just undercut all the spoopiness completely . . . ).
The Quarry, however, definitely delivered. Not all the choices determine whether or not the cast live or die; a lot of them just affect the way it plays out, or the relationships between the characters. You can encourage romances, rivalries, arguments, friendships etc. and it all helps shape the feel of ‘your’ playthrough. And you get to see some classic horror names like Ted Raimi and David Arquette in new roles!
UD had a great story, and The Quarry . . . is also really fun :3 Despite the mystery of WHAT being relatively easy to figure out early on, the HOWs and WHYs weren’t obvious and materialised over time at a good narrative pace. Being adults with lives, me and my family ended up playing this over 2.5 separated sessions but we were always itching to get back to it and see what happens.
(Time being of the utmost importance whenever my sister is involved, since she is medically unable to resist the urge to google and spoil herself if kept waiting too long to find out what happens xP)
We ultimately lost 2 of the main cast - Jacob, who was one of my 2 least favourite characters so I didn’t bemoan too much, but also Kaitlyn whom i DID like and appeared to lose due to a responsiveness issue with a critical QTE, which I absolutely swore about >:[
I don’t expect to like every character in a horror movie story like this, but some I thought I would really dislike ended up growing on me a lot. Dylan ended up becoming my low-key fave and HE survived (mostly >_>’ ) so that’s the important thing :3 Ryan was also a star boy.
We may try for a ‘perfect’ replay, time permitting (so probably not Dx but if not, I may do it solo!). The main game complaints I had were:
- The camera is so close to the character’s head at some points in the game play sections that you literally cannot see what the fuck you are doing or where you are going, or where there even IS to go. Hidden secrets = good. Secrets you can’t find because you can’t see ANYTHING = shit. I don’t know if the intention was to create claustrophobia but it didn’t; it just meant I COULDN’T SEE SHIT.
- Some of the environments were so dark with no character-held light source that, again, you could not see shit. Pitch black environments are not fun to explore, end of.
- How annoying it is to be afraid to explore in the ‘wrong’ direction in case you accidentally progress the plot. In a small number of scenes, they let you explicitly choose when to move on, but a lot of the times, clicking the wrong thing would just mean missing out on stuff.
- The ending approach (not our specific ending that we achieved, just in general) sucked. The ‘epilogue’ just gives you a character card for each character saying whether they lived or died, and a line about their ongoing circumstances if they lived. Then we jump to a really long, annoying, boring faux podcast about the whole thing that plays over the credits depending on how much evidence you collected. And that’s it! We spent all that time choosing not just the actions of the cast, but also how they interacted with each other, the relationships they built with each other. We don’t even get to find out how they reacted to each other’s fates? Or what happens to them immediately afterwards a la the interviews at the end of Until Dawn? HUGE letdown. Game devs i am once again begging you to please give us emotional and not just mechanical/functional payoff.
Regardless of their flaws, Supermassive’s horror games remain one of my big recommendations for couch-co-op fun/scares. Although not everyone in the room can ‘play’ (the later games do have some multiplayer options we haven’t tried to be fair because the single player format works for us), everyone can participate in the decision-making and everyone can jump at the jump scares and everyone can cry when we screw up a QTE, and it’s just a great time xD Think of it like an interactive horror movie so with all the added stress of knowing you’re responsible for who lives and who dies. Wholesome family content!
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(This is a break from my regular bullshit content so if you came here for fanart…sorry.)
I have ADHD and I take medication daily for it so that I can get my work done.
I know people with ADHD who choose to medicate on and off depending on what activities they have planned for the day, and how much they feel focus will be required.
I know people with ADHD who tried medication and decided they didn’t like the side effects and stopped.
I know people with ADHD who have never tried medication because they are okay with functioning just the way they are.
All of these are okay!!!
I’m really not a fan of people telling me I need to “learn to accept myself” when I tell them I am always on my medication. I don’t “hate my real self” I’m not “trying to be neurotypical” and I’m not “hiding who I really am”. I was diagnosed at six which means I’m used to the side effects and am okay with how they effect me. I don’t take my medication for any other reason other than that it makes me feel better. When I can focus and collect my thoughts I am generally happier and it helps me to avoid frustration and unnecessary issues. 
I’m not any less valid than anyone who doesn’t take medication.
Unless someone is abusing substances, let’s not tell them what they can and can’t decide to do for their body.
If you medicate? Great! I’m so happy for you! If you don’t? That’s fine! I’m happy for you too!
For some reason ADHD seems to suffer from a bizarre stigma within the community that borderline toxic positivity must be enforced or else someone is ableist. With anxiety meds, no one in their right mind would say that a person with anxiety should just “learn to love themselves without the drugs” because obviously panic attacks as well as other symptoms are easier to spot. But somehow keeping myself from losing my mind is problematic? Why isn’t it okay for me to prefer being on medication?
I don’t know…this is a ramble, but I’ve had two people tell me recently that I should take my meds less NOT FOR HEALTH REASONS, but just because I need to accept my “real” self and work harder. I’m sick of it…
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ahiddenpath · 2 years
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Life Update
Rambling about my life beneath the cut.  
CW:  Mentions of Alzheimer’s and care facilities.
So, my company let go of a good chunk of people.  I still have my job, which, honestly...  I would have preferred being laid off, lol!  They decided to get rid of some satellite locations to save on the rent (the company is very low on cash), and the people who worked there were laid off.  This move secured about another 5 months of cash flow for the company, at the average rate we have been spending.
In the meantime, they have started reorganizing the people who remain- and they seem to have no clue what they actually...  Want... from that.  It’s also been an absolute mess with them trying to move lab equipment from the other sites to our remaining site.  I’ve basically been treated as a lab planner and mover for a few weeks- not just me, basically anyone the facilities manager walks past at the wrong moment- and it’s terrible, lol?  That’s always been a huge problem with my company- “our lack of planning is now your emergency.”  I told my boss I can’t conduct experiments and stop what I’m doing to be a mover or planner at the drop of a dime.  It seemed to help- I suspect the facilities manager didn’t tell the managers that they were ordering scientists around without warning.
Meanwhile, more coworkers are leaving, because...  Like, of course they are?  My immediate coworker is on paternity leave for 2-3 weeks, or I guess...  The length depends on how his wife does and how much time off he has, I don’t know.  It’s been a really rough month or two for me.  
I am cognizant that I can quit, but...  Hm.  I feel like quitting is off the table, but being laid off...  Hey, that wasn’t my fault, it happens all the time in biotech.  My ideal solution here is that someone buys the company for its intellectual properties and lets go of most of the employees with a big company severance package.  This would also increase the value of our stock, which has been underwater for a long time.  Then, I could have some time off and search for a new position at my leisure, rather than simultaneously dealing with all of this while job hunting, which is one of the worst experiences out there that isn’t, like, an emergency.  But I can’t bring myself to actively hope for this- people need their jobs.  But those jobs won’t be there if the company really does go under, which is a real possibility- at least this would give us better severance, in theory?
I need to figure something out.  To be honest, I’m in a weird place where I’m finally making good money in my career, but I’m unhappy with it and so burnt out and stressed all the time.  At the same time, after 10 years of writing daily, I finally feel like...  Maybe I could become a novelist?  Maybe?  But that’s such an enormous gamble...
Meanwhile, my mom’s situation with her husband is not great (I got into this situation in an earlier life post, but I don’t want to rehash it here, apologies).  Basically, the hospital lied to her.  They claimed that they agreed to send her husband to long term care for people with medical needs that their families can’t meet.  She signed him out of the hospital.  They actually sent him to a short term physical therapy care facility- and they removed his heart conditions and his Alzheimer’s from his chart, meaning that he has no reason to be there on paper.  He’s likely to be released soon, and back with her.  Not ideal, considering what happened during his last Alzheimer’s episode.  
Meanwhile, the work on our house is finally complete.  It went over by about a week and a half- long enough for my cats to learn that they would be confined to my husband’s office while the contractor’s work, and get rebellious about it.  It was stressful, but the improvements are lovely.  And my husband painted the downstairs office as a surprise for me while I was at work!  He took a day off and did it!  So I was able to order the big bookshelf for in there today!  He’s the sweetest in the world.
I’m trying to stay...  You know...  I don’t know, calm, functioning.  I’ve been leaning on creating and exercising, hard.  I’m a bit of a personal crossroads with the job and future career thing.  I imagine it happens to most people at some point in their lives- is this what I want?  Am I just doing this to get the money I need to live?  If yes, is there anything I can do about that?  If no, how do I come to terms with that?  Etc, etc.  
Wherever you are in life right now, I’m always hoping for the best for you, my dear.
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Has anyone ever told you that you were really pretty? yeah but way too much of my life, still is, has been severely the opposite to where I never believe it no matter who it is...:(
Do you relate to main characters in novels often? it depends on the book and situation/backstory
Do you listen to a wide variety of music? yeah
Does nature feel magical to you? yeah
What holiday are you looking forward to next? Halloween, always
Do you take a lot of pictures? no I really wish I did, just always forget or not in the mood only to regret it later
Did you ever go through a phase when you didn’t want to take medicine? I don’t think so, although any type of pill or capsule has been very hard since 2014 due to a medical condition, I gag really really bad and it sucks that most meds don’t have a liquid or ODT (dissolvable) version 
Do you love popsicles? don’t eat them very often but yeah definite nostalgia of ice cream trucks with them!
Do you have to hem up a lot of your pants? no actually most pants are short around the ankles cause I’m so tall...I mostly wear my fiance’s pants which at least reach my shoes when standing lol
Do you shop at Goodwill? I have in the past and got some really cool clothes, I haven’t gone in forever so I’m definitely due!
What’s your natural hair color? it was dirty blonde with natural blonde highlights growing up but overtime, especially as I isolated a lot more and mostly stayed inside it got darker so now it’s brown grrr
Do you like your smile? HELL. FUCKING. NO. major trigger for me all my life....
Was the last book you read good? honestly’ I can’t even remember the last book I fully read and finished...I just can’t sit down and read the last several years, too much personal shit going on to where mentally I’m just not into it
Do you make grocery lists? sometimes but most of the time I forget to and just wing it, then again we mostly get the same shit every time so it’s easy 
Do you take walks often? ha no that’s a disaster waiting to happen...my health has severely depleted my physical ability for even basic functions on my feet :(
Does sunlight make you feel happier? yeah especially a nice cool warm day, not too chilly not too hot
Do you make wishes on the moon? no
What are you most looking forward to this spring? nicer weather, top down doors off backroad cruising in my fiance’s Jeep with music blaring and the wind blowing, and I am DYYYIINNNGGGG to swim! preferably pool but beach works too!
Are you fulfilling your passion in life? nowhere near
Do you daydream a lot? no, more like zone out and get too lost in my head which is never a good thing especially alone which is most of the time anyway...sigh
What are your dreams? fucked up nightmare fuel and night terrors...all the time
Do you take medications? yeah several
When was the last time you went to the doctor? actually last week on March 28th to the cancer institute
What helps you fall asleep? pssh jack shit, I’m an insomniac and when I do actually doze? it’s rarely longer than an hour at a time...needless to say I’m the walking dead
Do you love sushi? GIMME RIGHT NOWWWW!!! I LOVE sushi I’d live on it in a heartbeat if I could!
What’s your favorite type of seafood? pretty much anything, there’s some things I haven’t gotten to try but I’ve got a decent range that I have and I love
Do you have stomach problems? you don’t even know the fucking half of it and can never fully understand unless you suffer like I do every single day. period.
Do you enjoy editing photos? back in the day I did Photoshop quite a bit through free trials but it’s been so long, I don’t know where to even begin especially thinking about how updated it must be now. I’ll occasionally throw a minimal filter on a pic every now and then on my phone but rarely
What was the last photo filter you used? ha wow considering I just mentioned filters...ummm I usually will do like something to do with the saturation in the pic..maybe a bit faded, grayscale, etc. 
Do you live a simple life? not exactly the word I’d use...complicated is better
Do you own a pair of pajamas with foxes on them? nope
Peace signs or hearts? depends, guilty of being one of “those” that early FB days I’d throw up the peace sign a lot in pics lol and pretty much every card (holiday, bday, etc.) I’ll throw in a heart  when signing at the end
What kind of pie is your favorite? cheesecake, hands down
Do you think you could go a whole year without eating dessert? hmm probably yeah, I’m more of a junk food junkie so I can probably make a year without sweet stuff like candy, chocolate, etc.
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nbie · 3 years
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Why is it that pharmacy’s and psychiatrist offices have no form of meaningful communication?
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hoe-for-link · 2 years
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This is my references for writing the LU boys. Its a HUGE list of HC’s and just general stuff. I figured I would post it incase it helped any of you! disclaimer: 
THIS IS NOT HATE TOWARDS ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!!!!!! THESE ARE ONLY REFERENCES FOR MYSELF WHEN I’M WRITING THESE CHARACTERS!!!!!!!! So please don’t think I hate anyone, I don’t!!!!! 
that being said, enjoy over 6000 words of HC’s and stuff!!! I will probably come back and update this when it isn’t like the middle of the night.
Sky: 
Have played game.
Overall background info:
The only things I would change about his background as a character would be his relationship with religion. The Goddess he dedicated his life to used him as a plaything to put it bluntly. I feel like once his adventure was said and done, Zelda and Sky would have a pretty rocky relationship. She feels like 2 different people in the same body and Sky feels used by one side of her. Before the events of LU they have worked through their issues and have a very kind and loving relationship. They don’t start dating until after LU though. Another thing I would change is the ending with Demise. Instead of killing him and leaving the world without a new God, Sky is forced to take his place. Its a cruel game, the balance of Gods must stay the same and when one is killed or destroyed, another must take it’s place. Sky becomes the new God and that puts even more distance between him and Zelda, it is also how he knows the curse is real. He can feel the curse running through his blood. I think after LU is over, Sky would try everything to save the others from the curse but never succeeds. I don’t think he gets a happy ending as many don’t.
Personality overview:
He is a natural introvert, he doesn’t like a ton of people around him. He only discovered that about himself when he visited another Link’s Castle Town. Skyloft is small and the people there are few, he is unused to crowds of more than 5. He has a kind heart but it has never prevented him from anything. He play off of others personalities more, he won’t be the person to start conversations. He enjoys silence as all the Links do. He gets frustrated surprisingly easy, but manages to work through it more times than not. He doesn’t get angry unless provoked. 
Special traits:
He is the original Hero, he is where the others draw their courage from. Yes, there was a ‘hero’ before him, however his actions don’t seem to affect events at all and I don’t really like him anyway. Sky is the true holder of Courage, he didn’t have stories to guide him, he didn’t have anyone providing advice or comfort; he had a sword spirit that was single minded. He truly journeyed across the Surface in search of a friend, wanting to save her life, before he was wrapped up into saving everyone. He stood before a God of pure hatred and didn’t falter. He won a duel against that God. He returned to Skyloft where everyone knew nothing of his triumphs and didn’t brag or boast, simply telling them of the Surface and the opportunities awaiting them. Those traits carry over into the LU adventure, he doesn’t speak of his adventure because he wishes to not be remembered as the Hero. 
Hardest experience:
I would say the hardest experience in Sky’s adventure was the spirit realms. No one, not even Fi, knows the entirety of what happened during those times. He refuses to talk about it, he still remembers how he could feel his spirit be torn from his body, he still feels the claws digging into his neck and drawing spirit essence, he still feels the damage done to his spirit. He doesn’t wish to burden others about his injured soul.
Things I don’t like:
I don’t have anything I really dislike about Sky tbh. The closest thing I can think of is when people use his kind heart against him. He does have a kind heart but he isn’t a crybaby. He knows when to step up, he knows how to keep that part of himself underwraps. I honestly can’t really see him crying at almost anything, he knows how to handle his emotions well (lucky him cause i sure as hell don't)
Bad traits:
I think people often portray his breathing troubles in the wrong way. Looking at this logically, Sky has naturally huge lungs to be able to live in the sky. The reason is so that he can take in as much oxygen as he needs to survive. So once he descends to the surface, he feels invincible for the first couple days. That is because he has SO much extra oxygen in his blood and he is able to run farther and do more things than usual. This legitimately is a thing, I live at a pretty high altitude (about 7000ft above sea level roughly) and whenever I go to a significantly lower altitude (4000ft) I am taking in extra oxygen which helps me increase my stamina. The problem would come once it becomes TOO much oxygen for Sky’s body to handle. The group is traveling a lot and I’d assume they are changing altitudes fairly often. I think changing oxygen levels that much would be a little too much for Sky’s body to handle, which is where his breathing starts to slow down. His body is trying to limit the excessive oxygen in his blood so it won’t overwhelm Sky. THATS why I don’t understand why his breathing would increase, why many others have him trying to take in more air, almost like an asthma attack. KEEP IN MIND I am N O T a medical person, this is ENTIRELY based on my own experiences. I do believe he has breathing issues that have to do more with altitude changing than anything else. 
Other info:
I also really enjoy the idea of Ghiraham being Sky’s second sword. Its super cool! It works pretty well with my version of Sky being a God too after all he technically took Demises spot which would mean that Ghiraham is his sword. Although I also think it would be really cool if Sword Spirits could change their appearance depending on their Master. Fi wouldn’t change forms through any timeline as her Master has always been Sky’s Spirit which has been reincarnated (Well the whole thing with Wind would be kinda complicated but whatever). I feel like Ghiraham would turn into a small dagger that Sky would carry in his waist wrap, hidden by his sail cloth. I don’t know that could be a kinda cool spinoff or something.
Four:
Have not played either games
Overall background info:
I haven’t played Minish Cap or Four Swords so I don’t have a lot of background info to work with. I guess my main change would be that Shadow is in fact alive and that he, Four and Dot are super good friends who gossip to each other all the time. I also tend to age him up in my head so he would probably be around 17-19 in my stories. I also really enjoy the idea of each of the Heroes after him to be able to see the Minish because of his soul keeping that childish part when reincarnated. So basically all the Heros except Sky would be able to see them.
Personality overview:
He is probably the most quiet of all the Links, he enjoys spending time within himself and recharging that way. He is considered one of the more responsible Links because of his ability to look at a situation from many different angles. He considers himself to be pretty much average in everyway. He doesn’t get angry even when provoked, instead he considers his options and mostly just keeps to himself. The off chance he does fireback, it leaves sweltering wounds left from his words. He isn’t an introvert shockingly, he is an ambivert. He doesn’t mind being in crowds of people or by himself, he indulges in conversations when asked and doesn’t feel the draining effect of being social like an introvert does. 
Special traits:
Well let's get this out of the way. The Colors. I am the most guilty when it comes to this but I feel like maybe having them as sections in his head wouldn’t really work too great. My new theory is when the Four Sword split them, it split them EQUAL. They are just a divided person to be frank. They came to the conclusion that in order to function, they have to give and take. Each Color cannot overwhelm the bond, Blue has to be more understanding and Green cannot be so self sacrificing. By the time LU happens, Four has worked out all the issues in being together. He is one person with strong emotions. The bond is seamless except when one Color feels a little too strongly. If that is the case, Four will talk to that Color face to face and discover the problem. Example, if Vio was feeling irritated Four would release him and they would talk it out. NOT ALL FOUR OF THE COLORS COME OUT TO DISCUSS. If it is an issue between Colors, They discuss it; they have that understanding. Basically Four has access to figuring out why he is feeling one emotion too powerful, he can talk with that emotion face to face and resolve the problem. Its a bit tricky to navigate but I never really enjoyed the theory that the Colors occupy the body. It makes it feel like Four is only a puppet in the Color’s actions. Four is his own person, his own soul. He simply has the ability to view a specific part of his soul in more detail.
Hardest Experience: 
Again, I haven’t played the games so I don’t really know what happens during them. I’ve picked up enough context to figure out that Shadow dies during Four Swords Adventure though and so I’d probably peg that down for the hardest experience for him.
Things I don’t like:
I’m really starting to not enjoy the idea of Four being a puppet with four souls inside. It makes it feel like there is meant to be five souls in the body at least for me. Its a confusing road to travel with the colors. They are very difficult to use without making Four himself seem like a puppet. It also makes Four seem like an entirely different person than the Colors even though they are the SAME soul. I don’t know how else to explain it besides that.
Bad traits:
I imagine Four being really bad at communicating with others. He has learned to communicate with his Soul without needing words most times, but he lacks that same connection with others. He has a hard time being around others simply because he doesn’t know how they work, what they are like. It makes it very difficult to trust the other Links.
Other info:
Four’s shield is eventually passed down through generations to Wind's family. It is the shield Wind uses in WW until he gains the mirror shield. I guess that also means they are related somehow? Idk I just like the shield being recognized by Wind. I also hardcore believe that he is the fictional version of Celtic fyi
Time: 
Have played both games. MM is my absolute favorite game in the series.
Overall background info:
I actually don’t really enjoy Time, not because of anything to do with his character, but rather my experience playing OoT. I had a very rough time with that game and have only played it once, I probably won’t play it again. I would change the fact that he is a Hylian. There is not way that boy is fully Hylian. I refuse to believe it. I remember reading a story where he was part Kokiri (Ill link it if I find it) and I adored it!!! So let it be known that I did NOT come up with this HC. I adore the idea that he is part Kokiri and part Hylian. He has the ability to age. He has the ability to leave and re-enter the forest. He knows the Lost Woods like the back of his hand. However, because he is part Kokiri he cannot go long periods of time without the sun. He only has to eat a couple times a week, he uses the Sun as a food source as well. He is also very intune with fairies and their magic, he is able to tell where a fairy fountain is without ever being there before.
Personality overview: 
He is very strong willed. He knows what he wants and how to get it. He has learned throughout his years to speak his mind. He is firm and strong. He knows when to push and when to let things go. Some may think him to be overbearing and confident, that’s not the case. He is only confident in his own power and skills. He does have quite the playful side to him, loves to have fun with those close to him. He cares a lot about his companions and does everything he can to protect them. He has a soft spot for the younger ones in the group, often buying them sweets from the towns they visit. Many call him a solid presence, always there when needed. He is an introvert, however he adores being in company he knows well such as friends and his wife.
Special traits:
I love the fact that he has the Fierce Deity mask, I think its very interesting. I do believe it was Sky who was forced to imprison FD within the mask after LU is over. I think the reason was he was a new Deity and running rampant, Sky was forced to imprison him to keep the balance of things. He was then passed through many hands before ending up in a land called Termina, a land made for Gods to play with, where Time found and took him. I hate the idea that Time and FD don’t like each other, I think that FD’s time in the mask humbled him and he and Time came to an understanding. Time can only use him for periods of time because of how immense FD’s powers are.
Hardest Experience: 
I don’t need to go into detail about this but I think changing ages so rapidly affected him more than I’ll ever be able to understand.
Things I don’t like:
Oh boy, strap in bitches. I FUCKING HATE HOW PEOPLE MAKE TIME HATE TERMINA!! I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL!!!!! It’s my favorite game of all time, the balance of sorrow and sweet is what makes it incredible for me. Contrary to popular beliefs, MM was NOT all about sorrow. Termina was a land created by Gods as a playground of sorts that plays with the visitors memories and experiences. That is why everyone looks familiar to Time, they are simply wearing familiar faces. They have their own personalities and experiences. Time grew to love that land, loved the stability of the schedules, loved talking with the residents of Clocktown and beyond. It helped him recover from the trauma of the unknown, he always knew what to expect. This is where he truly learned the importance of a schedule. He learned so much during his time there, learned how to mend relations with other, learned how to stand up for himself, learned how to live again. He cherishes all of his masks from Termina, each having a special story. I like to think the very last cycle, he chose to complete Anju’s quest for her lost love. He chose to do that so Anju and Kafei would have a happy ending once Majora was defeated. After all, logistically speaking the townspeople would remember everything about the last cycle as Time wouldn’t have reset anything. Once the Moon was returned to the sky, he was invited to come celebrate with Anju and Kafei as a thank you for helping them. After that, he returns to the music box house and saves the girls father as he is know the only one to know the Song of Healing or so he thought*. I also think that by removing FD from Termina, it breaks the vicious cycle the Gods had forced them into. 
*I have a theory that the song of healing was a lullaby made for the Music Box girl by her mother. I think it ended up in the Happy Mask Salesman’s hands was because he is that girls Uncle. So basically Link saves the girls father by reminding him that his daughter is still there using the lullaby. Lemme know if you guys want my more in depth theory about it.
Bad traits:
Time tends to reminisce about that past too often. He forgets that he cannot go back and fix everything as it would only open more problems. He is caught staring off into nothingness more often than not. His biggest downfall is his sorrow and regrets. After All thats what keeps his spirit there to help Twi.
Other info:
Time doesn’t get a happy ending, everyone knows that. I think that Twilight recognizes his armour and knows what happens to Time but will never tell him. 
Twilight:
Played through the game until Master Sword, it was too boring to finish.
Overall background info:
I can’t honestly go on without stating that THIS is my L E A S T liked character of all. I don’t like Twilight at all. He is SOOOOOOO boring!!!!! I didn’t even finish the game because it was so fucking boring!!! I don’t like him!!!! (I also hate Midna with a passion, I really don’t like anyone in that game) That being said, we may now continue. I think his background is fine, can’t think of anything I would change.
Personality Overview:
Very similar to Time in a way, Twilight is very strong willed. He cares about things and isn’t afraid to say it. He is brash and ignorant sometimes due to that fact. He doesn’t like to see others side of the story and often makes quick judgements based on little facts. He doesn’t like disagreeing with people except when he is really passionate about it. He reminds Time of his own teenage self. Twilight doesn’t deal with crowds well, coming from a small village. He much prefers to spend time with Epona or by himself.
Special Traits:
Here we go, something a little fun. I don’t like how his Twili form is only one animal. If we look at other sort of mystical beast from the game, they tend to be a mix of animals. So I think that he wouldn’t just be a wolf, he would also be a Doe. His concept would pretty much stay the same, just a Wolf with Doe spots and tiny little antlers. I find that those two animals would compliment him the most, both don’t like humans and blend in nicely to the forests. Think of it almost like the Doe is Twilights inner heart where his deepest desires lay, and the Wolf is the protector of that.
Hardest Experience:
Idk honestly, I didn’t play through to the end but I would probably say leaving everything he knows behind to pursue fate.
Things I don’t like:
Basically everything about Twilight tbh. He is boring, his game was boring, his personality is boring. I just don’t understand why people like him all that much? Like cool, he can turn into a wolf but like, thats it!! Thats his only thing. He is just so fucking boring to me, I honestly zone out when anything has to do with him because its so boring.
Bad Traits:
Again, he is FUCKING BORING!!!!!! I cannot be bothered to read a fic that builds him to be a better character because I will get bored before anything good happens. Honestly I feel like not much would change without Twilight there, he seems kinda like a filler character rather than a main character.
Other info:
Not really anything I can think of.
Legend:
Have played Link’s Awakening. Haven’t played any others.
Overview background info:
I don’t really care too much for the Legend and Fable being siblings. I do like them being related somehow, but definitely not siblings. I think it would be more like second cousins, just related to the point where he is mentioned in the Royal archives but not by name. Neither Fable or Legend knows about this though. I feel like them being siblings puts way too much emphasis on their relationship together when most real siblings aren’t close at all. I feel like it would force them into a relationship simply for the public eye but it would destroy their friendship behind doors.
Personality overview:
He is N O T bitter. He is N O T angry. He is sassy, he is playful, he is sarcastic, he holds grudges, he is overdramatic, but he cares. I HATE how people portray him as bitter to the world, I have seen little to zero evidence on that fact. He is just a sarcastic dude who loves to travel. He likes sharing fun stories about his adventures. He likes being able to make people laugh. He loves having a pseudo family, he just don’t say it out loud. He also loves sharing skills with the other Links. He doesn’t know if the others will have more adventures after LU and he wants them to be prepared in case they do. He is kinda like a grandfather who will share random wisdom at the drop of a hat. He is also an Ambivert, he doesn’t care about social gatherings or for complete silence. He finds no problem in talking with others and taking time for himself.
Special traits:
He is the most knowledgeable of all the Links. He knows many different skills, languages and cultures. He knows upwards of 5 languages and has penpals all over the lands that he talks to regularly. He loves getting to learn more about the other links cultures and beliefs. He finds that sort of thing super fascinating. I also really enjoy the idea of him having magenta eyes and strawberry blonde hair with his signature pink streak. I also really like the fact that he doesn’t like jewlery. The reason he wears so much is because its all enchanted. It tends to make his life harder when traveling through towns. He has a habit of taking off the flashy jewelry in towns.
Hardest Experience:
One word, Koholint.
Things I don’t like:
I don’t like when people make him bitter and lonely. Its stated that he enjoys life on the road in the comic. Ive also never really seen him be bitter in the comic either, it’s mostly just him being dramatic. 
Bad Traits:
He is a hoarder by nature and often has to leave things behind that ‘might come in handy later’. It annoys some of the others but they never say anything. Its hard for him to let things go, they understand. He is also prone to speaking his mind which gets him into troubling situations most times. 
Other info: 
Legend is a broke ass bitch. He has like zero rupees to his name and has a tendency to try and barter and haggle shopkeepers. It usually gets them thrown out of shops.
Hyrule:
Have played the original. Haven’t played LA
Overview Background info:
I am very much on board with the whole Fae Hyrule idea. I think it's brilliant!!! That being said, I also really enjoy the downsides to it as well if that makes sense. I don’t think Hyrule would know that he is part Fae. He can’t touch iron tools or anything that has iron in it. He often finds himself drifting around Time the most besides Legend, neither of them know why they are drawn to each other in a way. 
Personality Overview:
He is quiet and thoughtful, reserved and cautious. However he is not shy and innocent. He might have been when he was a simple child without fate chasing him, however he has since grown. He is willing to speak his mind about certain topics and is very protective of people he cares for. He is probably the most cautious Link in the group, having spent time around cities where he was not liked. He is an introvert through and through. He enjoys the peace of nature and his own thoughts. He is often very panicked in crowds of more than 4 so it takes him quite a while to warm up to the group. 
Special Traits:
He is blessed in the art of Magic, however he doesn’t know why. To him it was perfectly normal to wield magic without an object to assist. Once he learns that it is in fact NOT normal, he longs to seek the truth. He is a Hero of the people, while he doesn’t particularly like people he has never said no to a request. He adores helping others, it makes something in his blood sing. That is often the reason he wanders off trails, he has helped more people that way. Its only a speculation from the others that Hyrule cannot read a map or doesn’t know directions. He often rolls his eyes at that but never bothers to correct them; how do you think he has survived all his life in the wilderness if he didn’t know his directions? He just prefers to wander. He also knows how to read and write, after all he does need to buy potions from the villages.
Hardest Experience:
I would probably say trying to keep himself healthy out in the wilderness. If you didn’t know, you have to find certain types of food if you are surviving off the land. If you only eat berries, you lack the necessary fats to keep your body alive. I can only imagine how difficult it is to find the proper nutrients in his wilderness.
Things I don’t like:
I don’t like how everyone portrays him as an innocent kid. I’ve never really been into it cause I never saw it in the comics. He is just a huge dork! Yes, of course there are certain things that he doesn’t know, but he figures if he doesn’t know them by now will he ever need to know?
Bad Traits:
He is super bad at adapting to group dynamics. He has been on his own since before he can remember and being thrown into a huge group, he doesn’t know what to do. At first he over compensates, he tries to do everything for everyone. After Time explained that he didn’t need to do that, Hyrule pulled an almost 180 and assumed that meant that everyone did everything on their own. After quite a while, they finally found a balance that worked with Hyrule.
Other info: 
Hyrule isn’t Hylian. He is a different race entirely. It reflects in his ears as the others ears are very long and skinny with a more defined point. Hyrules ears are much rounder and wider, the point isn’t quite so defined but it's there. He also has brown hair that curls as opposed to straight blonde hair. Forest green as opposed to light blue eyes. 
Warriors:
Have not played HW
Overview Background info:
I don’t really have anything to change about his background because I DON'T KNOW HIS BACKGROUND!!!! All I know is that he was a knight before being thrown into being the Hero. I think he also almost got killed??? Idk.
Personality overview:
I DESPISE how people make him so arrogant and foolish. He doesn’t seem to be from what I’ve seen. I believe that he would be quite sweet and caring for others, almost making it his downfall. He has been hardened from War, he has learned to act confident in specific situations, he has learned to trust his companions, he has learned not to be over or under confident of his skills. He is often the first that comes to mind when the others think of an older figure for advice, Time is often second simply because of how blunt he is. Wars adores his new companions, he knows in his whole heart he would sacrifice everything for them. He often goes along with pranks only to see the others smile. He is a steady figure for those who need it. He is an Ambivert leaning towards an extrovert. He enjoys social events with those he loves, he enjoys doing things with people he cares about. He also enjoys moments of peace where he can just think.
Special Traits:
He was trained as a soldier and a captain, he knows medical care. He knows all about anatomy and how to fix wounds. Its a skill that has saved himself and many others from death many times. While Hyrule has healing magic he doesn’t know how to use it on others, Wars finds out and pairs both them together whenever there are medical duties. Together they can heal just about anything, its a welcome talent for the chain.
Hardest Experience:
War. He literally went through war. He saw so many more deaths than any of the others. He has done so many more things than the others. I hate whenever people discount the face that he has LITERALLY gone through a war. For God’s sake, he’s a soldier not a Hero (at least he thinks) he has killed more than any of the others combined. He has to deal with that every night.
Things I don’t like:
I don’t like when he is portrayed as a play boy and that only. Yes, he is a playboy to an extent but I’ve always thought he is simply looking for someone who he can care for. He has so much love in his heart but people take advantage of it. Once he notices he’s being taken advantage of, he leaves. Thats what earns him that reputation. 
Bad Traits:
I hate this but I KNOW he is to some level an alcoholic. It makes so much sense to me, drinking away the pain of war, loneliness, and pain. Its heartbreaking but its so fitting for his character. I do think that he gets much better when traveling with the others, but its still there. I also feel like he doesn’t think himself to be worth much. After all, Cia (is that her name?? The crazy stalker lady??) was obsessed with him and it fucked with his head for a long time, still does. He often thinks that if he had given himself up, no one would have had to die.
Other info: 
He is the last one to eat, he makes sure that everyone has had something to eat before him so no one goes hungry. No one seems to notice. He knows the pains of going into battle starving intimately and makes it his duty that none of the others should experience it. He is also the most focused in battle, he loses himself to that headspace of life or death. Sometimes he can’t completely come back from it and feels fuzzy until the next morning.
Wild:
I have over 1000 hours in BotW, I love this game.
Overview Background info:
K this is going to make people hate me but hear me out first. I don’t think that Wild’s personality was any different before the shrine than after. I think he has the exact same personality as his knight self, the only difference being the vow of silence. Here is my theory about that: Links father was a Captain of the Guard in Castle Town where his family lived. Once Link was old enough and pulled the Master Sword, his father was super excited for his son to be able to help the kingdom. But he heard what the King was planning with his son and promptly left Castle Town in hopes the King wouldn’t find them. He lead his family to Hateno where they lived on the edge of town so no one would recognize them. The King had followed though and threatened Links father that he would kill him if his son didn’t come with them. Link’s father knew what the Kings plans were, to make his son a mindless soldier, and refused. He didn’t want his son to become what he had. The King was enraged and killed Links father in front of him. The King then took Link back to the castle and threatened if he didn’t take the vow of silence, the King would kill his sister. Link took the vow to save his sisters life and sealing his own fate. That is why Link despises Zelda, her father killed his father after all. All he really sees in her is a murderer's daughter. THAT is why he hated Zelda, why his house was in Hateno and NO ONE recognized him, why he never talked in memories and why he hates the King so much. That concludes my theory. I also have a specific theory on how he recalls memories, so lemme know if that interests any of you.
Personality Overview:
Wild is confident, calculated, witty, and kind. He knows where his limits are, having tested them MANY times. He is cautious of new people but always willing to lend a hand. He is confident in his skills and knows what he can and can’t achieve. He is more than willing to banter back and forth with those more sarcastic, but he knows where the line is drawn and never crosses it even while angry. Others have noticed his seemingly endless kindness in the things he does, he is willing to catapult himself halfway across Hyrule for his friends. Many assume him of causing chaos but he thinks himself to just have bad luck. He is an introvert which surprises many. Once he gets to know someone, they get the full Wild experience which often comes with shattered metal and singed clothing.
Special Traits:
He is the teams survivalist. Yes, Hyrule knows how to survive in the wilds as well however his methods aren’t exactly the best (no Hyrule you can’t just jump off a cliff because you can heal yourself and call that a shortcut). Wild adores nature and the team often notices it loves him back. He seems to not only survive but THRIVE in nature. It is so natural for Wild to know where they are headed even though he’d never been there before. Legend and Wars have a bet that he isn’t fully Hylian. Hyrule just thinks its because Wild is like himself, just naturally knowing this they’ve never learned (no Hyrule, Wild is not part Fae silly boi). He is an archer by pure instinct, he doesn’t like using a sword as it feels out of place in his hand. He uses all sorts of bows but the most common one seen is the Great Eagle Bow, which has never broken on Wild before.
Hardest Experience:
Its a tie between surviving the Great Plateau or regaining his memories. I think the Great Plateau wins tho simply because I imagine him spending more than 6 months on it, just figuring out how everything works. I love the idea that this boy was feral when he emerged from the shrine so he had to take time to figure himself out as well as survive.
Things I don’t like:
I hate Botw Zelda, I REALLY REALLY don’t like her so its annoying to me when her and Wild appear to be really good friends. Like no girl, you treated this boy like shit all the time, you do NOT get to pretend to like him all of the sudden. Cause think about it, in the game Link has VERY few memories and in almost every single one, Zelda is being a bitch. You cannot expect me to believe that Wild and Flora magically become friends just because he killed Ganon. Thats not how friendship works. She was just a shit person in the past and honestly it doesn’t really seem that she's going to change. I’ll tell you right now if I ever had someone treat me like shit repeatedly and then after a year they just decide to be friends with me, thats not gonna fly. I will beat the shit out of them with a fucking pencil sharpener alright?
Bad Traits:
‘Terrible’ sleeping habits. What is really happening is the chain is used to regular hours of sleep, Wild and Hyrule are used to around 3 hours of sleep. No matter how save Wild knows he is, there will be something under his skin telling him to move. It bugs a lot of the team but they can see that Wild and Hyrule are used to it so they accept it.
Other info:
 Yall are gonna hate me even more for this but I H A T E Mipha and Sidon. I despise them with my whole heart. Mipha is such a fucking flat character, truly! Think about it, all we know is that she liked Link and had a brother. THATS IT!!! We don’t get much more with Sidon either, he’s just our Uber to an infected elephant tank. I hate that they could have been cool or whatever but they are so FLAT!!!!! The only character with any real substance is Revali, we see him fail. We see him struggle. We watch as he pushes himself farther and farther. We see where his attitude comes from. We see so many sides to his character and when we are in Medoh, we witness first hand how he comes to acknowledge Links success! He has S O much more character to him than almost anyone else in the entire game!!!! BotW has tons of characters, sure, but almost all of them are flat and offer NOTHING to the story. Honestly in my mind the only character with more development than Revali is Hudson. My man gets married for hell's sake!!! So yes, I HATE Mipha, Zelda, Sidon and so many other characters in this game. Revali and Link are God-tier because they have development to them!!!
Wind: 
Have played WW. Haven’t played PH or ST
Overview Background info:
I love his adorable family living on an island, I think it fits super well. I think the only thing I would mention is that Four’s shield is his family shield. I think lots of people have speculated that as well, idk its just something kinda adorable to me. 
Personality overview:
He is probably the most expressive Link of them all and not due to his age. He expresses his emotions often and in full force. He doesn’t like the idea of holding them in as that causes trouble. He finds value in stating everything bluntly and honestly. He cares a ton about his new companions and often lets them know. Its this ability to be transparent about his feelings that helps the chain grow close so fast. He hates lying with a passion and is actually quite bad at it unless it is something important. He is a natural extrovert and loves talking about his adventures. He knows that most of the others are introverts but that never bothers him, many times he just fills the silence with his stories and lets the others choose to listen or not. He is surprisingly observant as well and is able to read his companions incredibly well. He uses his age and observation skills to his advantage.
Special Traits:
I will die with this headcanon but Wind can see spirits and interact with them. I adore that idea so much! I also really like to think that the Deities and Gods of his world are much different than the others. I really enjoy the idea of the Wind Waker being simply a prop, that the King of Red Lions knew that Link could use the winds in anyway he wishes. Link was chosen by the winds but didn’t realize until he was given the Wind Waker. Eventually he learns of that and is able to control the winds to his liking, always thanking them for their help.
Hardest Experiences:
I think it would be the challenge of leaving his family behind on the island, I mean have you see his face during that scene? He is sad boi
Things I don’t like:
I don’t like the idea of Wind being pampered because he's a kid. Sure I get it, the others don’t want him to get hurt but at the same time he went through some challenges that no one else has. He is strong willed and resilient, able to overcome all obstacles in his path. He fought with the Gods of Fate and made them choose him!
Bad Traits:
Because of his bluntness, sometimes social cues aren’t his thing. It often gets them kicked out of shops and other places but everyone knows if it wasn’t Wind saying something blunt, it’d be Legend trying to barter the owner with something useless. He often doesn’t know when to draw the line in arguments and says things he regrets. 
Other info:
I kinda touched on this earlier but I adore the idea that the Winds chose Link to wield them. The Wind Waker is just a prop meant to help Link establish that connection. Of course he still keeps it though because the King of Red Lions gave it to him. I also really enjoy the idea of each of the Link’s having their own Gods and Deities that they worship, all in different ways. Like how in Winds timeline, he has three Deities (in WW at least) that he worships. But in Hyrules time, those Deities don’t exist and Hyrule doesn’t worship any because at that point in the timeline, there are no more residing on the planet. They are instead watching from the stars. Lemme know if y’all want more details on that.
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xhisokas-harleyx · 3 years
Note
Your Hisoka headcanons were so good😭 and i completely agree with all of them- I wanted request something, u can ignore if u want. 🏃
I am just thinking of a scenario where Hisoka got hurt, by someone who 'cheated' in the fight maybe, and his first instinct was to go to his 'friend's place. And Reader helps him without hesitation, they're even worried and stuff. And he is just like "are they just so naive or dumb? Kind? What do they get from this? And tf is this feeling in my chest? A poison maybe-" Maybe hcs? Or an oneshot? Whatever you like to do. Have a good day or night!:)💛 damn i wrote too much lol sorry
This warms my heart. Thank you SO MUCH for your support!!! And no, you did not write too much! I love having my ego stroked ;) 😂 seriously tho I love hearing from you guys!
I love this prompt. I hope that I was able to bring this to life for you, please feel free to request more!
To be honest, I’m not really happy with how this turned out, but I haven’t written in a long time and feel really rusty. I may rewrite it at some point, because I thought of a different way this could also go! At any rate, I hope you enjoy it.
Word Count: 2880 (yeh, it’s a long one :o)
A little song inspiration I had:
As The World Caves In: Matt Maltese
Hisoka x Reader One-Shot: The Man Beneath the Monster
...
Well... this wasn't supposed to happen.
Currently, the jester of everyone's nightmares lay on the ground, golden eyes staring up at the dull night sky while shrapnel and debris etched patterns into his back, remnants of the attack he'd just barely survived. Hisoka didn't normally have much of a problem mowing through his opponents- but then again, they usually didn't possess the ability to play with their enemy's mind. It was insanely unfair, the way he'd been attacked, and while it had been an interesting battle to say the least, Hisoka had barely pulled through.
Admittedly, he was invigorated by the feeling of almost being beaten- save for the searing pain that inched its way through every nerve in his body. Hisoka wasn't usually so affected by pain in general- in fact, more often than not, it gave him a certain indescribable gratification. He tended to brush off the feeling of most wounds he obtained during battle, distracting himself with shuffling his cards or fantasizing about the next battle he'd be facing. Only this time, if he didn't get help, he wasn’t sure there would BE another battle.
Hisoka strained himself to sit up, and looked down at his body, analyzing just how much damage he'd sustained. A deep gash opened up his chest, revealing glimpses of the muscular content underneath, and it was oozing a lot of blood. His arms and legs were burned, and some of the skin was a little charred, which smelled just lovely against the night breeze.
This is going to be difficult to cover with Texture Surprise... he thought, forcing himself a bit angrily to his feet, when he heard the cracking of the joints in his left ankle, indications of a break. He needed medical attention, badly. His gash wasn't going to heal itself, and he would bleed to death within hours if it didn’t get bandaged.
But where could he go? Hospitals wouldn't dare take him- even though he was a hunter, most people wouldn't be caught within miles of him, let alone would provide him any remedy. In fact, most people thought the world would be better off if he were dead anyway.
Maybe they were right.
He chuckled a little at the thought, but as he tried to brush those creeping inner fears off, he soon realized that his normal detached approach wasn't going to work this time. Already, his legs were getting weaker, and his vision was getting a little darker by the second. In that moment of weakness, when he felt the most vulnerable, the magician was puzzled by the singular thought that came to his mind.
Y/N.
She was a girl he’d encountered more than a few times in his travels; not by accident, but through carefully orchestrated meetings he initiated himself. She was strong in his eyes, which was not a compliment that he offered freely, especially to someone who didn’t regularly seek out altercations to smash their enemies. She was strong in a different way- not because of her nen or battle tactics- but because of her resolve. He found it intriguing that she didn’t run at the sight of him (even when he popped up behind her in the park), and he liked that she wasn't afraid to tell him exactly where he could shove his cards, if warranted. Y/N was appealing to him in an indescribable way that made him continue to think up excuses to meet her ‘randomly’- but he could never put his finger on what it was that made her unique. However, through brief conversations and what he considered to be highlights of his travels, he’d gotten to know her only a little, but he hardly had enough contact with her to call her a ‘friend’.
It wasn't like she had any special sort of healing nen. She probably couldn't help him anyway. But if he did bleed out, and his last thought had to be of something...l it might as well be of her.
The pink-haired clown looked to the city up ahead in the distance- he was close to her house already. It didn't take him long to get there; Y/N lived on the outskirts of town in a small place away from most other homes.
It was a place he knew well, although he'd never been inside. He'd spent more than a few long nights watching the residence from the rooftop of a distant neighboring home as he denied his human emotions. He often watched her pack groceries, or try to figure out why her porch light wasn't working (which he certainly had nothing to do with), or watch TV on the couch all alone.
Hisoka quite liked those stupid romantic comedies that played late at night on the local channel. His only opportunity to watch them was through her window- and in his mind, he was sure that she left the subtitles on because she can somehow sense his presence. She usually fell asleep watching those, and missed the part where the hero gets the girl. He always watched that part with particular interest, but he can't figure out what makes the protagonists so special to each other. If there was a feeling that caused them to sacrifice so much for one another… he sure didn’t know what it could be.
But he's not a hero, so why would he know what that feels like?
As Hisoka reached her door and lifted his hand to the doorknob, not bothering to knock, a pang of what could only be anxiety ripped through him. It was well past 2 AM, and he knew she had things to do early in the morning. Their previous encounters had been abnormal, to say the least, complete with him teasing her and being a douchebag. He's been nothing but an annoyance to Y/N, so why would she help him?
As soon as he was about to pull his hand away, the door swung open, revealing a disheveled looking y/n in its place. Hisoka was bent over in pain, holding his chest, but as she startled him a little, he straightened up and put on his mask, acting complacent and confident. He wanted to say something smart and witty like he always does- that always helped to bat the pain away. But his lips wouldn't move- his tongue wouldn't function as he stared at her, unable to reach out in a way that normal humans seem to find so easy.
He felt frozen in that moment. He was normally so deliberately irreverent, but seeing the look on her face made his blood run cold.
Don’t let her see this weakness. It was a plea to himself.
But Hisoka had no choice. He was broken, and he needed her to fix him. He wasn’t used to depending on someone else to save his life, but now his life rested in the hands of someone who most likely despised him.
"...Hisoka." Y/N breathed, her eyes widening as she placed a hand over her open mouth. Only seconds passed before her delicate hands were pulling him inside the door without hesitation. She didn't bother to ask what happened, what kind of trouble he'd gotten into, or whether she would also be in danger. Instead, she sat him down on the couch, laying a pillow under his head for comfort, which he annoyingly refused to use until he absolutely couldn’t hold his head up any longer.
Hisoka was a bit dazed from the loss of blood, and the crimson river was flowing all over y/n's lightly colored couch. He was puzzled by the swiftness of her reaction, and he watched tepidly as she shuffled frantically through the drawers in the bathroom for something to heal him. Though he was on the brink of death, his default deflection of emotions still shone through, a reflex that he didn’t even mean to activate.
“I don’t need your help, you know.” He said with an impudent grin, watching as she began to work on his wounds. “It’s just a scratch. But I can see how badly you want to touch me…” Why was he like this? Here she was, giving up everything to help him (a criminal and the scum of the Earth),yet he can’t so much as even show her an iota of gratitude. He knows, but will never admit that it comes from his inner vulnerability; that fear of getting hurt by these things called emotions. She could just as easily let him bleed to death in front of her; he knows she has the capability to be stone cold. But she won’t… why?
Why?
Y/N could have easily let Hisoka’s false complacency hurt her. But she knows that what he cannot express in his words, his heart cannot truly hide. It was the way he was built, she told herself, and she pushed on through his antics because she wanted to see him safe again. Through the laceration in his tough exterior, she could not only see the flesh beneath, but a glimpse of the man he tried to hide using the monster that he assumed everyone saw.
But she was different.
The jester was confused by her silence. Normally, she would have retorted at his smugness, but right now, she didn’t even seem concerned with it as she began to fumble with cleaning his wounds. The alcohol seared his flesh just as the emotions boiling within him burned his heart. Why would she ever care to help him when he’s been nothing but rude and degrading to her? Could it be that she really can see through the detached front and overbearing persona? Impossible, he’s spent years building that reputation!
Suddenly, he became enthralled with the way Y/N’s eyes focused on threading the needle to sew up his gash. The way that those fingertips danced over his pale skin made him jolt unexpectedly at her touch, exhibiting a softness that Hisoka has never known before. In fact, he can’t even fathom someone wanting to touch him without the intention to hurt him in some way.
The details slowly became a blur in his depressed mental state- but he still analyzed every motion Y/N made.
Oddly, the promised sting of death had never scared Hisoka before; he did as he pleased, without care for his own life nor anyone else’s. But as his vision faded, and he watched her through the gaze of someone nearing death, he realized that he did not want to leave this world yet. He wanted to live- and maybe he wanted to discover and experience what he’d been missing in those movies he’d watched through her window.
With that, Hisoka’s heart began to beat faster.
Blood loss. That’s what it is… Hisoka thought; but he wasn’t stupid; only unwilling to admit that he was beginning to exhibit the same qualities he saw in the protagonists of those hopeless romantic flicks. He was unable to accept that the tightening in his chest was not just because of her stitches pulling his lacerated skin together.
“Are they dead? Did you kill them?” Her voice brought him out of the trance-like state he was in, and his golden eyes focused on her face. Her hands were covered in his blood (which in itself made him feel delightfully feverish), but his gash had been mended, the bleeding stopped for now. Once again, he didn’t say anything. It was unusual for the smug magician to keep his mouth shut.
“Because if you didn’t kill them, I’m going to.” A protective tone dripped into her voice, bewildering Hisoka again. That quality in her voice was both threatening and comforting, and the duality sent a chill up his spine. It inspired him to use his voice, though it had lost some of its signature modulation.
“You have that little faith in me…” A cough escaped his lips before he could smile as if nothing was bothering him at all. “Of course I killed them, my dear.” Somehow, calling her ‘dear’ no longer felt right; that was typically a placeholder, a default name to use for someone he had no connection with, and she seemed to be worthy of more than that now.
As Y/N suddenly dipped to her knees, Hisoka refrained from any lewd thoughts that he normally might have had in such a situation. That sensation in his chest was too distracting to allow this memory to be defiled with something he often indulged in fantasies of. She began to slide the high-heeled shoe off of his swollen foot to wrap it. She began to struggle with ripping the fabric she’d gathered to act as a cast for the bone.
Surely, she knows who I am. Why would she bother to help someone like me? What is she gaining? She knows that with the flip of a card, I could end her life. She’s not even protecting herself in any way. She’s leaving her guard down right in front of me.
Perhaps it was his dark desire to set fear into everyone he came across, or his distorted need to drive away anyone who might care for him, but his body suddenly acted on its own. By instinct, almost as if it were a test of her intention, a card spawned between his middle and index finger, which was right against her neck. With just a slight movement of his knuckles, he could spill her blood. His golden eyes analyzed the way she froze for a moment, and he believed that to be the end of this fragile trust between them. That was until she lifted the fabric she was holding, sliding it along the edge of the card, and cutting it to the perfect length.
“Thanks.” She spoke, beginning to wrap and set the ankle in place.
At that small motion, Hisoka’s discretionary eyes widened, and his lips fell open in surprise. Rather than interpreting his advance as an attack, she’d innocently taken it as an offer of his help. Was this a joke? Was she stupid enough to trust him, or was she bold enough to outsmart his games? Was Y/N this confident that he wouldn’t just kill her? This naive girl at his feet seemed to be the only person in this convoluted world who didn’t see him as a disgusting, heartless monster… and that warmed his icy heart.
“I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before. I know you’re graceful, but high heels are always a recipe for a broken ankle.” She offset the pain of wrapping those bones by talking to him all through the procedure, and it worked wonders. He scoffed, but by that time, Hisoka’s snide comments and emotion-killing thoughts had been expended. Somehow, she’d broken through the barrier that he’d spent so long building around himself.
Unable to ignore his whims anymore, Hisoka reached out to touch Y/N’s hair, the soft delicate strands pleasing his senses. It’s the only movement he can make now, his body weakened from the loss of blood. His gilded eyes were barely open, but they looked directly into hers with an unfamiliar realization. His hand travelled weakly down her face, caressing her cheek with the most delicate touch he could muster, and held her head in his large hand as she froze there. He wondered for a moment if she was afraid, or if something deeper that he cannot see calms her.
A small, genuine smile is all he could muster for her before his hand dropped to the side of the couch, the same couch he watched her curl up on most nights. For once, it’s not a smirk, and it’s not a smug smile- but something she has never seen before- a true smile with good intention behind it. His eyes closed, with uncertainty that they would open in the morning.
After she’d finished her work, she stood up, and looked down at him. The only remaining light in the room was the silent flicker of the television set in the background, which illuminated both of their faces.
“I need you to be alright, Hisoka,” She cooed, unable to know if he could still hear her. He didn’t know if she even realized how much he wanted to kill her right now, because the way her kindness was attacking his heart while his chest was already sliced open was something he should not excuse.
As Y/N’s final healing gesture, she bent over his body gracefully. He was taken off guard when he felt the feathery soft sensation of her lips on his forehead, the kiss of an angel on his clammy skin. As she went to pull away, however, she was startled by the lunge of Hisoka’s hand initiating a death grip on her wrist. He used the last bit of his strength to pull her lips into his, causing her to lose balance and be forced to brace on either side of the couch cushion below him. His lips were cold, but Y/N graciously returned the sensation, and boldly moved to embrace both sides of his face with her mending hands. Before she pulled away, and he passed out, she felt that same smile against her lips.
And in that moment, before he fades away, Hisoka realizes what he’s been missing.
Y/N.
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Hmm... part two? I KNOW, it’s super freakin’ sappy. I could have taken a lighthearted approach to this (and maybe I will later), but I wanted to kind of challenge myself to write a more depth-driven version of Hisoka. Maybe I bit off a little more than I can chew :0.
Anyway, let me know what you think, and once again thanks to anon for the request! Hope you all enjoyed!
Mac
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“You’re Bleeding?” F/O Reactions!
Okay, so I really wanted to write a prompt in hopes it’d inspire my stories a little, so I’m going to write out how my five F/Os would react to their S/Os being injured, mainly during a training exercise or by accident.
Here we go!
Warning: Contains CanonxOC pairings, if this is not your thing, you’ve come to the wrong blog, lol.
Orochimaru
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Okay, so Orochimaru is a pretty suave and sassy guy at the best of times, and at the worst of times, he’s downright blunt, rude and a bit obnoxious (there was so much love in those words, you have no idea.)
So when Kaede gets injured during a training exercise that wasn’t meant to cause her harm, he will react with a tease, which would lead to some flirty/cheeky banter before he would crouch down (without explanation) and examine her injury himself.
If he deems it serious, he will help her walk to Kabuto’s lab to be healed.
However, if the injury wasn’t serious, and Kaede was able to get back up immediately after inflicting the wound, he won’t even bother to assist her, he’d just stand there with his arms crossed and an insufferable smirk on his lips as she gets to her feet and shakes it off for another round of training.
He’s a very complicated, evil, and indecipherable man.
Lotor
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Ziera is prone to injuries, let me tell you. She loves building machines, but her theoretical plans and actual blueprints tend to miss certain aspects that allow them to function as a practical machine, so she ends up with a lot of failed attempts and mini-explosions. So when she gets injured, Lotor is not at all surprised.
If it’s a serious injury, he will be by her side in less than a tick (assuming he was there keeping her company, or assisted her in creating the machine.) He will crouch down at her side and assess the damage with the utmost seriousness, before he orders his men to alert the medical staff of their impending arrival. Ziera will insist she is fine, even if she is definitely not, because she doesn’t want to worry him, but he’s not having it. He’ll pick her up if it’s safe to do so and pretty much run down the halls of his main ship to the medical bay to get her seen to.
After she has healed from her near-fatal injury, he will scold her and drill into her that checking her blueprints for these fatal errors needs to be a priority. When she tells him she always double checks her blueprints, he asks if she could let him see them beforehand, or if she doesn’t want to bother him, at least ask Coran or Pidge to take a gander.
If the injury isn’t serious, the situation above will still play out, but he will be a lot less panicked about it. In fact, he may tease her a little for her recklessness, but only after he’s made sure she promised to let him check her blueprints next time.
He’s lost so much already, he can’t lose her as well.
Mereoleona
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Lucia has fickle control over her magic at times due to its unpredictable nature and unstable power. This is something her grandmother and great grandfather had problems with. The only one who managed to gain complete control of their passed-down magic was her father, and no one knows how. All-in-all, she’s used to getting injured in accidents, and her facial scar will tell you that quite well.
Mereoleona is also no stranger to injuries, and has spent many nights tending to her own wounds after a dangerous battle or training exercise that almost got her killed. (This woman will literally bathe in lava, I am not guessing here.) So when Lucia gets injured, her reactions tend to be similar to each other, but their intensities will change depending on the situation.
If it’s a serious injury, depending on their location, she will either get Lucia to a healer as soon as she possibly can, or she’ll cauterize the wound herself (assuming it’s a wound and not something far worse) and treat it the best she can until Lucia is out of the danger zone. Once that zone passes, she’ll punch Lucia on the back of the head and snap at her about being reckless, before demanding they do the training again to ensure it isn’t a mistake she’ll make often. This could lead to the scenario repeating itself many times.
Don’t be fooled though, she might seem harsh, but during the severity of the situation, she is nothing but a doting, concerned partner who just wants to see her beloved wife healthy again.
If the injury is small (Lucia’s smallest injury is usually an ice shard through the foot, but let’s assume it’s smaller than that, so a slightly-deep cut, or a twisted ankle.) Mereoleona’s reaction will be far less...Aggressive. She’ll still scold Lucia for allowing her magic to run out of control, but she’ll just stand there with her arms crossed until Lucia works through the pain and can continue training.
Needless to say, she’s the tough-love type.
Piers
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I just want to say that the gif above is the CUTEST thing I have seen today!
So, Ivy Thornbury (Thorn, as she prefers to be called) is about as reckless as Mereoleona usually. She tends to act first and think later, so she’ll get injured a LOT on her Pokemon journey. Let’s say she’s back home in Spikemuth for this one though. Piers worries about her more than he worries about Marnie, and he worries about his little sister all the damn time.
If the injury Thorn gets is serious, (I.E, a Purrserker gets to her, or she’s poisoned by a Mareanie) then Piers is absolutely terrified! This man has enough anxiety on a daily basis, so when his girlfriend is dangerously injured, he’s a shaking, necklace-tugging mess! He’ll bring out his Obstagoon to take Thorn to the Pokemon Centre and fidget in the waiting room until he hears that she got the all-clear. After that he’ll pretty much buy all the Antidotes, (the version for humans, of course;) and give them to her, demanding she keep them on her at all times.
She jokes about his worries, but thanks him sweetly for the concern, after all, she wasn’t used to people caring about her, and she never, ever wanted him to think she was taking his worries lightly in the long run. But Piers expects it to happen again, and often. She’s terrible at keeping her promises when it comes to her safety.
If the injury is small, he’ll just sigh, roll his eyes and walk off to find the first-aid kit. He’ll complain that she comes home injured more than Marnie did as a child, and she’d just laugh it off and kiss him as a thank you afterwards.
He’ll never admit that he enjoys the little thank you kisses.
Leona Kingscholar
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Not much can drag this lion-man out of a nap, especially on a warm summer’s day, but Lilith getting hurt is definitely one of them, of course, depending on the severity. She’s a clumsy young woman, and because of that, he only really notices when she’s seriously injured.
If she is genuinely hurt, say she was struck by lightning during flight, or she was hit in the face with the disk used in Magift, then he’s the first one there to make sure she’s alright. He’s growl at anyone to keep away from her and give her space, except the medical staff, of course. After she wakes up in the hospital wing of the school, he’s there scolding her for flying in storms, or not dodging the disk, but his tone and his eyes showed his true emotions.
Genuine fear.
He didn’t want to lose the one person who made him feel like her first choice. He knew his heart would never recover.
If the injury is small though, expect this lion boy to sleep through it. She trips when she gets out of the shower and he’s in viewing distance? He might laugh, but only if he’s not asleep. She knows to expect questions about the bumps and bruises later though, and the obvious teasing and jokes that’ll follow.
The lion and the bird, what a strange fairy-tale.
Okay, there we go! I hope you guys enjoyed this, and I managed to get all the characters right! I had a lot of fun with this, and it really scratched the writing itch I haven’t felt in a really, REALLY long time! Bye~!
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katblu42 · 3 years
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Two
A fic for Virgil's birthday from an unusual point of view. Somewhat covering the "Outside POV" and "Virgil at Work" titles on the birthday challenge list.
Thank you @gumnut-logic for the read through, and for setting up this birthday event to prod me into finishing this one!
The sudden opening of my overhead hatch by remote access wakes me from my slumber. He’s coming. My pilot. There must be a situation. If it were anything else the hatch would have been opened manually, and if it were any other pilot it would be the lower hatch, not the one above my cockpit. He swings down from the end of his chute, his boots hit the checker plate of my cockpit floor and he reaches up to close the hatch. There is an automated close control, so he doesn’t have to do it by hand, but it is quicker and much more satisfying when he does. The solid thunk as it shuts both feels and sounds more secure, more reassuring than the slow, quiet, automatic closure. And it signals the unofficial beginning of our next adventure together. He smiles every time he pulls the hatch closed – there is a certain excitement in the urgency of a launch. Someone needs us, and we have to fly.
My pilot is unique. No one else treats me the way he does, or understands me like he does. He knows me better than any other human, more intimately than even the creator himself. The creator is the one responsible for my original design and build, but I suspect my pilot may have had a little input. He has certainly had a creative hand in upgrades and repairs, and prefers to do as much hands on maintenance work as he can, often working alongside the creator and his robotic assistant when he can’t complete the work on his own. The creator may well know every nut and bolt and wiring loom, every function and capability to the letter of the specifications, but my pilot knows I am more than a marvellous piece of engineering.
He knows me in the air – how I will respond to any weather conditions, any sudden changes, and every little twitch of my controls. My pilot knows my limits in practice, not just on paper and by the numbers. He will push me when it’s needed and knows when I have given all I can. We have nursed each other home battle-scarred and wounded on many an occasion. He will apologise whenever my abilities are stretched beyond capacity, whenever there is damage, and every time he needs to pull me apart for repairs. I don’t need the apologies. He takes care of me, and I will do my best to take care of him.
My pilot feels affection for me. He shows it in so many little ways, like the absent minded way he’ll trail his hand along the surface of my hull as he passes, or contentedly hum along with the rumble of my engines. It’s evident in the way he speaks to me. Barely audible whispers of greeting, or thanks for a job well done. Impassioned pleas to give just a little more in desperate times, often followed by relieved words of thanks accompanied by a loving rub of my dash, or forehead resting against a bulkhead with a relieved sigh once the crisis is over. He speaks to me in words of encouragement and praise. He believes in me and relies on me, and in return I will give him everything he asks of me. For him I will push my limits to do what he needs me to do, to get us all home safe.
He calls me beautiful. I know that I am not, but it is good to hear him say it. Strong and dependable I may be, but not beautiful – except perhaps in his eyes. I am not sleek and shiny like my sister ‘birds One and Three. Nor am I built for speed like them, but I am proud of my capabilities. Still one of the fastest machines in the air despite my grand size and considerable weight, I am versatile and able to carry just about any cargo imaginable. Sometimes I wish I could be faster, but I know that some things are more important. Without me it would be impossible to get specialised heavy equipment to where it is needed, my medical bay is the best equipped and largest in International Rescue’s fleet, and I am capable of carrying a large number of people to safety. If I were to fail in my duties it would make the job of my pilot and his colleagues immeasurably difficult. So, I must not fail.
He sings to me. When he’s working on repairs or maintenance, when he’s tidying the cockpit or restocking the medical supplies, or sometimes, when we’re flying alone. His voice resonates through my systems and reflects off my surfaces and harmonises with my own sounds. I like when he sings. He seems to do it when he’s happy, comfortable – content. None of the others ever sing to me. The Co-pilot – the one who belongs to Four – he sings sometimes, but it’s not the same. He seems to sing as a distraction, to change the prevailing mood in the cockpit, or just for his own entertainment. His singing is loud and raucous, but not necessarily bad.
Others have flown me when my pilot has been unable to. It is never the same. The Commander, One’s pilot, is always trying to rush me, wanting me to be something I am not. He is impatient with me and grumbles that I am not fast enough. He gets frustrated if I do not respond immediately to the slightest adjustment of my controls, and yet he will often take an extra fraction of a second to find the switch or lever he needs because he is used to flying a different ‘bird. I understand his sense of urgency, but flying for him is sometimes hard work, as though he is fighting me instead of working with me.
The Co-pilot, Four’s pilot is better. Four and I are like the closest of sisters in many ways. We are often called to work together as I am able to carry her to locations she cannot reach fast enough alone. As a result her pilot and mine work together often, and he gets to see first hand how my pilot handles my controls. When he is required to take over piloting duties he emulates what he has seen my pilot do, right down to voicing encouraging words when needed. He is a good pilot, but he lacks a little confidence in himself, as though he is afraid of doing something wrong and causing damage to another’s ‘bird. He means well and he is trying to connect with me on some level, but it is not the same as the partnership I have with my pilot.
The little one, Three’s pilot is somewhere in between those two. He has that nervousness about him, the fear of making a mistake flying a ‘bird that’s not his, and he seems to have a desire to prove himself so he’ll try and do things his way instead of feeling and listening to what I need. At the same time he is inclined to want to rush and expect me to respond more like One or Three instead of doing things my way, but he seems more comfortable adjusting his piloting style than the Commander is.
The other – the Voice from the stars – only really flies me remotely. I have no tangible connection with him. Remote piloting is clinical, calculated, precise and impersonal. He does not communicate directly with me through voice or touch, only electronics. He relies on numbers and sensor readings rather than human senses like my pilot does. I know it is necessary at times for this intangible Voice to take control this way, but it is a lonely way to fly.
My pilot’s strong hands are gentle, nimble and sure in their movements across my controls as he completes pre-flight procedures. The module we need for the job has been selected, loaded and secured into place – part of me, but not. The modules, the pods, the machines and equipment I carry are perhaps like accessories or clothing for a human – it is possible to fly without them, but they are still a part of my complete work-ready attire.
The hangar door is opening and we are rolling. My pilot gently caresses a hand across my dash and quietly utters “Here we go, girl.” The launch pad tilts and the countdown begins. I am a Thunderbird, and my engines rumble into a roar. I bring the thunder, and with my pilot, together we ride the lightning.
“Thunderbird Two is go!”
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swamp-spirit · 3 years
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Am I Depressed or Just Lazy?
It’s the question that haunts most disabled people, whether the disability is physical or mental. Is it my fault? Am I just not trying hard enough? How do I know? 
It doesn’t help that everyone has their own opinion, opinions your accommodations and aid depend on. Do you need help, or do you just need to try harder?
Well, here’s my answer for you, an answer that has been very important for me: The question is wrong.
To get into why, let’s discuss different kinds of limits. (note, many disabled people have more than one, if not all of these. this is not an attempt to ‘rank’ disabilities, and all come with their own unique range of issues)
OBJECTIVE HARD LINE
This is something you can prove. You can go into the doctor, do a test, and have them clarify that this is a fixed, provable limit. For example, if you are paralyzed from the waist down, that’s a hard line. No amount of luck or willpower will let you walk that day. You might have a form of aphasia that makes you incapable of forming coherent sentences. If you allergic to gluten, you’re allergic to gluten.
SUBJECTIVE HARD LINE
This is a consistent, predictable limit that you know, but is not an exact, easily proven fact. For example, ‘if I hear about a car accident, I have a panic attack’. It’s more difficult to prove to external sources, but fairly easy to recognize internally.
UNPREDICTABLE HARD LINE
You know your disability has a clear, observable consequence, but you can’t say exactly how much you can handle before it hits. For example, if you walk to much, your hip freezes up, but you don’t know how much walking will cause it. You may know going to crowded events give you sensory meltdowns, but not know how much you can handle. There is no “I can go to your party for exactly eleven minutes”. 
SOFT LINE
These revolve around energy. Maybe your executive function issues make it hard for you to do homework. Maybe your chronic pain means going shopping leaves you tired. This is where spoon theory becomes popular. Everyone has physical and mental struggles and limits.
-----
The problem is, everybody has soft lines. Everybody gets tired if they push their bodies. Everybody gets stressed or sad or overwhelmed. There’s no exact measurement. 
It makes a lot of us push ourselves towards our hard lines. For example, I struggle with chronic pain and exhaustion, and, at a certain point, faint. After years of being told I was faking it, being dramatic, just needed to push through, starting to actually collapse was the first time people began to realize there was something wrong. I still don’t know how to believe my own body, I don’t know how to forgive myself for not pushing, so I push for the limits. Once I faint, then I’ve finally proved I’m trying, that I’m not just being dramatic or lazy. Mental illness is particularly hard to quantify, and many people are driven to self harm trying to create some proof that their pain is real.
Disabled or lazy? 
What do we do if the answer is lazy? We don’t want to be one of those bad disables who uses our health as an excuse and doesn’t make changes.. Maybe you can just push through it. Maybe if you just HATE yourself enough, you’ll be the person you want to be.
On the flipside, maybe it’s your disability. Not your fault. Out of your hands. No point in trying to fix it.
Obviously, neither of these are healthy places to stay, but if the two options are ‘it’s my disability and I have no control’ or ‘it’s my fault and I could fix it if I cared’, what else can you do? It also makes us lash out at hope. After all, if you can get better, isn’t it... kinda your fault that you aren’t? Aren’t you choosing to stay sick?
Because here’s the core problem: You are like this for a reason.
What is lazy? There’s this attempt to boil ourselves down to what’s ‘us’, the core traits open for moral judgement, and what’s ‘not our fault’, experiences outside us that shape our actions. It’s particularly obvious in the way we discuss criminals.
But we’re all the way we are for a reason. Every asshole has mental and social reasons to be an asshole. Nature and nurture, baby.
So what? None of it’s our fault and we should do what we want and blame other factors?
Of course not, but the reverse isn’t any better! Let’s look at a common issue:
I don’t clean as much as I want. Is it my disability, or am I lazy?
If you’re lazy, what do you actually do? Well, you stop being lazy! You buck up and Do The Dang Thing!
But if wanting to do it was enough, you wouldn’t be worrying about it in the first place. Maybe you’ll force yourself to clean for ten minutes, but the real thing you ingrain is self loathing. Stop being lazy. Stop being lazy. Stop being lazy. Hate yourself healthy.
That’s not constructive because you’re fixing the wrong problem. So what do you do? How do you give yourself agency without basing it around guilt? How do you change without shame?
. Instead of asking if your problems are ‘real’, here’s what I recommend:
1. Why am I not acting the way I want to act?
Don’t accept any answer that has moral judgement. Cut the word lazy. It’s useless. Don’t ask if it’s ‘your fault’ you have Type II diabetes, if you ‘should be able to’ pay attention in class. Cut moral judgement from the process.
Actually understanding why you act the way you do might take time, research, and thought, but changing behavior does!
Example: Why am I eating so much junk food when I know it’s making me feel worse?
Bad answer - I’m depressed
Worse answer - Because I’m a glutton with no self control
Good answer - My depression makes me seek out temporary highs from food because long term highs aren’t working, and I have self control issues that mean I often don’t act in my own best interests.
2. What are my barriers?
Once you’ve identified what’s stopping you, get into more details. If you find doing dishes overwhelming, why? What parts of the process do you find overwhelming or uncomfortable?
For the more general answers (motivation, energy, etc), what are your barriers to the solutions? What steps might help with your depression and what’s stopping you from taking those? Why don’t you do your physical therapy?
3. Is this something I can change? Is this something I can change now?
Earlier we talked about hard lines. Those come back in here. Some things, even with unlimited time and resources, remain fact. It’s not ‘giving up’ to accept a hard ‘cannot’. That said, be careful not to listen to mental illness ‘cannots’ in this situation. For example, I have been told by professionals I will probably always need psyciatric medication to be functional, no matter how good my self talk and lifestyle is. Accepting that, I think, is healthy. It would not be healthy, however, to decide that I ‘cannot’ have a good life.
But you do not have unlimited time and resources. When I said ‘what are your barriers’, plenty of you probably went “MONEY! IT’S MONEY, YOU ASSHOLE” Sometimes it means knowing an issue can’t be addressed until you have money/time/surgery. 
It’s okay to put things on the backburner. If you’re trying to figure out ‘how do I keep from being homeless next week’, you might decide ‘how do I eat more vegetables’ is not your most pressing issue.
You can also decide a fix isn’t worth the cost. Maybe you could afford knee surgery, but you don’t think the amount it would improve your life would be worth the expense or risk. Maybe you could take the stairs to class, but it would leave you too exhausted to pay attention.
Sometimes you realize ‘I want something more than I want to fix this’, and... that’s okay. Sometimes you aren’t ready for a change. Sometimes you don’t need to change. But if the change really is something you want:
4. Make a plan that directly confronts your barriers?
You’ve already broken your barriers into small, objective issues. Now you can start working on those issues. 
If you know you need to eat better, and your main barrier is impulse control, don’t plan to ‘stop eating junk food’. Figure out healthy, easy snacks you like and leave them in plain view.
Find ways to make chores easier. Learn to cook while seated, try playing music while you clean, find what works for you. If it doesn’t work, try something else.
Talk frankly with the people in your  life. Try to help them understand what your barriers are and make them allies in overcoming them. “I know it’s important I do this, and I am trying. Here is the specific element I am struggling with. Do you have advice for that?”
I particularly love this conversational tactic with doctors. Here is a conversation I had with a lot of doctors:
Doctor: You need to fix this habit. Me: I know. I’m sorry. Doctor: It’s really important. Here’s why it’s important.
I would get upset and defensive that the doctor seemed to think I didn’t care, and that the solution was just shaming me into caring more. The doctor would probably see me as unwilling to change.
Here is the conversation we have now:
Doctor:  You need to fix this habit. Me: That’s a priority for me too, but I’m really struggling with x and y hasn’t helped. Do you have any advice that helps people with x?
This either gets me advice on my actual problem instead of just being shamed for not fixing it, or it forces the doctor to change the topic and perhaps redirect me to somebody with more experience.
Write down lists of issues you want to address with your doctor. Focus on concrete steps and goals, and celebrate every win. People might not see how hard your fight is, but if getting out of bed in the morning is a fight, you have every reason to celebrate it.
But your barrier is NOT that you are lazy. It is not that you are bad or stupid or worthless. You cannot hate yourself healthy.
Your struggles are real, and the steps to overcome them are based in understanding, agency, and support, not self loathing.
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tomtenadia · 3 years
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Island Dreams - Chapter 29
DreamsSo, chapter 29 is here and I am sorry. This chapter has angst. The angst gremlin was in a good mood and this chapter happened. I am sorry. So, so sorry. It does end with fluff but it takes a while.Also, there is a bit of a medical situation. I hope i got it right. I am not a med student. I just used years watching medical dramas and research on google to be accurate, but if i wrote some medical blunders I apologise. It's a fanfic :)Just have some chocolate ready :)
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It was a few days after Aelin and Rowan had come back from their small holiday in Glasgow. As planned they had taken a few more days to go back to the islands and they had a small and relaxing holiday on Skye. Aelin had been exhausted after their trip to the A&E so Rowan had decided to err of the side of caution and they had spent most of their time in the cottage or on a beach with a couple of drives through the countryside. Not what Aelin had dreamed but Rowan had been adamant that they were going to stay in the car. Even with the limitations, they still had a fantastic time but eventually they both had to go back to work. Rowan had begged Aelin to ask to start maternity leave a bit earlier on the basis of a at risk pregnancy, but she did not listen, so that morning she had left for work after he had made his displeasure quite clear and their fight had been quite epic. They had parted with no nice words and just ignored each other.
A really heavy rain with strong winds had been lashing the islands since the early morning. Rowan was checking the forecast website and the meteorologists had classed it as storm and once again it was going to be bad. He was in the shop and started pacing, while staring at the raging winds outside. Aelin was driving to work in those conditions and he was nervous. He should have offered to drive her, but he had been mad after the fight they had in the morning and now he regretted it. She was not used to drive in such conditions and although she didn’t have much to drive, he was still anxious. The short drive from their place to work had been horrific, even for someone with experience like him. The roads were flooded in most places and the very strong winds had made driving very hard. Anxiety rising he quickly phoned the A&E reception and asked if she was there already but the nurse told him she wasn’t. He didn’t want to phone her because that might distract her from driving and put her and the girls in danger. Lysandra was walking around the shop and sorting out a few things while he fidgeted nervously at the desk. “You seem nervous.” Rowan sighed “Aelin is on her way to work in this storm.” He took a sip of his coffee “I should have driven her. I called the hospital and she is not there yet. She should be. It has been fifty minutes already. It takes half an hour tops from our house on a bad day.” “Maybe she is just driving slowly because of the weather.” Said the woman trying to calm him down. Rowan closed his eyes and tried to slow down his heart that was racing in his chest. He was freaking out. He took a deep breath and went back to work. While he was working away on the computer, his eyes kept drifting to his mobile phone near the keyboard. He had asked her to text him when she had arrived. And the more the time passed without news the more nervous he became.
It was much later when his phone went off but not how he expected. An unknown number was calling him. He ignored it. When the number tried again after just one minute he picked up, maybe it was Aelin from the hospital. “Hello?” “Rowan?” He knew that voice. It was Malcolm. The panic rose. Why was he calling him? “Hi Malcolm? Is Aelin at work? She left a while ago and she hasn’t texted me.” “Rowan, something happened.” Rowan all of a sudden felt sick “I need you to come to the hospital immediately.” Rowan forgot how to breath. How to think or function. “Rowan?” “I… I am coming.” He breathed “Is she….” He could not add anything. Could not make himself think of the worst. “Not on the phone.” Rowan hung up. “That was Malcolm. I need to go.” That’s all he said to Lysandra. The woman had tried to ask for more info but Rowan had disappeared already. She knew Malcolm was Aelin’s second at the hospital and if he had phoned it meant something had happened. Everything was a blur. He was moving on muscle memory. He had no idea of what he was doing. He got in the car and drove to the hospital as if his life depended on that trip. He was at the hospital not long after and ran into the A&E and Malcolm was there to meet him. “Rowan, wait.” Said Malcolm grabbing the man’s arm. “Where is she? What happened?” Rowan’s voice was full of panic. His eyes scanned the beds for her but he could not see Aelin. Was he too late? His heart was racing and the feeling of sickness came back. She could not… “Come with me.” Said Malcolm calmly and with a touch of tenderness. “Mal, where is she?” He was on the verge of tears and almost shouted at the man. He wanted news. Malcolm stopped “She had an accident, Rowan. A bad one. A passerby called the ambulance when he saw her car…” and he trailed off. The man did not need the details “She was brought in urgently. She is in surgery now.” Rowan had to force himself to remember how to breathe again. He tried to say something but his brain was paralysed. “I don’t know anything. She came into the A&E, we stabilised her and went straight to surgery and I don’t have anymore news. She was alive though when she came in. We didn’t have time to check for the twins but Yrene was called immediately.” Rowan felt tears come out of him, his hand went to his mouth as if to stop the heavy sob ready to burst. “Sit down. I’ll come back as soon as I have an update.” Malcolm patted his shoulder and left him. Rowan sat down in the waiting room and stared at the window as his mind replayed every single word Malcolm had said. She was alive. What about the twins? Did they survive the crash? She is alive. He kept telling himself as a mantra. Forcing himself to believe it. Malcolm came back an hour later and sat down beside him. “I have an update.” Rowan nodded as in a daze and barely noticed the man sitting at his side. “She is still in surgery. She had internal injuries and they are working on stopping the bleeding and keeping the twins alive at the same time.” He paused and Rowan knew there was more “She has a head injury and they are checking the extent of the head damage as well. She is good hands, Rowan. They will be fine.” Rowan stood and left and went outside and stood under the sheltered area of the drop off section and stared at the rain in a futile attempt to empty his brain and dull the extreme pain ensnaring his heart. They had a fight. The last conversation they had was a stupid fight. He did not kiss her. Did not tell her he loved her like every morning before she left for work. Too mad and too proud to even try and fix things and apologise for the horrible things he had said. They both had said. It was the very first vicious fight they ever had. And now she was in surgery. Now she was fighting for her life and he could well risk losing her. If anything happened to her he would always remember the nasty things they had said to each other. He felt bile rise in his stomach. That could not be. He needed to apologise to her, tell her he loved her. He sat on the bench for a moment but then got up again, his body incapable of staying still. He felt like he was drowning in his grief. He started pacing and did not stop until his body started to protest and exhausted he sat again on the bench. He leaned forward and the pendant around his neck slipped off his t-shirt and the grief came rushing back. She had bought that for him. While on Skye they had found a shop that sold Celtic jewellery and she had bought him a necklace with a pendant of the Tree of Life. He had told her he did not wear necklaces but she, with her usual stubbornness, had convinced him and he had caved. Because he could not say no to her. Now he gripped the pendant in his hand as if to keep the connection with her “Don’t leave me…” he whispered as tears began flowing again “I can’t. There is no way without you.” Much later Malcolm found him again and Rowan felt fear grip him. He looked at Malcolm and he noticed a faint smile in the man’s face. He had just realised that Malcolm was just as worried as him. He and Aelin had become great friends and the man cared a lot about her. The man took his hand gripping it hard “She is out of surgery.” Rowan let out a breath he did not know he was holding. Out of surgery was at least a positive. “She suffered what we call a pneumothorax, one of her lungs collapsed from the crash. I fixed it when she came into the A&E. She was intubated on the scene. Paramedics said she was still conscious for a while but she was struggling breathing. Then she passed out, probably from the concussion.There was internal bleeding in her abdomen but the surgeon treated that and the twins are safe. Yrene was in the OR as well.” Malcolm explained while Rowan sat beside him, head hung low “The head injury was far less serious than thought. The concussion is still quite bad but the neurologist cleared her but they need to keep her under observation for all the reasons I mentioned.” Rowan heard Malcolm chuckle “At least being strong headed has its perks.” Rowan squeezed the hand back. “She is in the ICU and currently still intubated and unconscious. She is not out of the woods yet and that’s why she will stay in intensive care for a few days probably. Her being pregnant means we need to tackle things differently to avoid causing harm to the twins.” Malcolm explained and felt Rowan hand shake in his “when they brought her in…” he looked away “I felt as if someone had just kicked me in the guts.” Rowan noticed his voice shaking as well “I do this every day, but when they bring in someone you know, it gets impossible to think straight. All my years of medical and military training went down the drain for an instant. I could not move or act.” “Thank you.” Rowan’s words were a whisper. “I know how it feels…” the man said “To be on the other side. To wait for news…I lost my partner and I didn’t even get to see him because we were continents apart. I know the heart shattering pain behind the call. I took me a while to get the courage to call you. And Aelin…” Malcolm’s voice was on the verge of breaking “she is my best friend. I spent the last three hours camped in front of the door to the OR. It’s a miracle they haven’t kicked me out.” “Thank you.” Rowan had no strength for anything else. “We can go and see her if you want.” The man said standing up. Rowan did not move “we had a fight this morning.” He confessed with a weak voice “a really, really bad one. She was not at her greatest and I told her it was time for her to ask for maternity leave and screw the hospital. She did not like it. We fought. We told each other things we did not mean. She left the house so mad at me. I did not kiss her or told her I loved her.” He looked up at Malcolm “and all I have been thinking is that if I loose her I could not live with the regret that those had been our last words. And it’s killing me.” Malcolm sat back down beside him. “She knows you love her.” Mal placed a hand on Rowan’s knee “and I have been telling her to go on maternity leave for a while and I believe Yrene has been doing the same. I have tried taking over her on difficult cases and stopped her from doing surgery. But she is stubborn and you know it. And I had fights too. You are not the only one. She told she did not become a doctor to sit behind a desk. But I have been keeping an eye on her and probably the entire staff. She hasn’t been well.” Rowan sighed “we had a trip to the A&E in Glasgow.” He admitted. “By the time she recovers from this it will be time for her to deliver the twins.” Malcolm stood again “let’s go.” Rowan froze. He wasn’t sure if he was ready. Then he sighed and stood and dried his eyes with the back of his hand “Let’s go and annoy her for making us worry.” Malcolm laughed and for a moment Rowan relaxed as well until he stopped in front of the closed door of her room in the ICU ward. He put a hand on the handle and froze. He was now alone. Malcolm had to go back to his job but had promised to go and visit. Rowan was terrified of what was on the other side of the door. “Are you okay?” Asked a nurse at his side when she noticed him immobile in front of the door. “Yeah. I am just…” he noticed his hand shake. He was about to add something when a familiar voice called his name, he turned and noticed Yrene walking toward him. “Malcolm told me he phoned you.” She stopped in front of him. “How….? “I was in the OR. I checked on her. We thought for a moment we had to deliver the twins but we managed to avoid it. Still too early. But they are fine now. She is fine. She is strong.” Rowan hugged the woman “Thank you.” It seemed as if that we the only sentence he could utter. “I assume you are here to see her.” He nodded. “I can come in with you if it helps.” Rowan stared at the door “Please.” He wasn’t sure he could make it in the room on his own. Yrene opened the door and he paused before following. And when he saw her he froze on the spot and almost felt sick. She looked so small in the hospital bed. Her colour was off and her blonde hair looked dull. Heavy bandage covered one side of her head. A tube attached to a machine made sure she breathed properly a small one, a feeding tube probably, sneaked out of her nose, cables connected the pads monitoring her heart beat and plastic tubes connected the needles on her hand to the IV bag at her side. The he noticed the cuts and bruises on her arms and on her face. “Paramedics said she is alive because she was wearing a seat belt. The firefighters had to pry the car door open to extract her.” explained Yrene. Rowan heard the woman speak at his side. “It looks like she lost control of the car due to the heavy rain.” Malcolm had omitted those details and looking at her he realised how close he had been to loose the three of them. He could not breathe. He left the room and leaned against the wall trying to stop a panic attack from striking. “Rowan…” said Yrene placing a hand on his arm “I am sorry I didn’t mean…” Rowan slid down until he was crouching and he let the tears and the sobs go. “I almost…” he sobbed “I almost lost the three of them.” He finally allowed himself to fully shed the tears he had stopped before. “She is my everything.” He looked up at Yrene “the three of them. I…” his voice broke and he kept on sobbing while the doctor was kneeling in front of him. He started hyperventilating and Yrene placed a hand on his shoulder “Rowan. Look at me. You are having a panic attack.” She took both of his hands “Breath in and out. Do it with me.” And together they did it and after a while Rowan felt like himself again and started breathing normally once more. With the back of his hand he brushed away the tears and took one final deep breath. “I am sorry…” “For what? For crying? There is nothing wrong with it.” He nodded and stood. “Thank you.” He gave her another hug and eventually he got back in the room. He grabbed the chair and sat down beside Aelin and grabbed her bandaged hand into his. He sat in silence, listening to the storm raging outside and the steady beeping of the machines. Below it, there was another one giving a stranger sound and he assumed that was the babies heartbeat. He placed his free hand on the bump “Hi you three…” and kissed the bump and he felt a kick. That was a good sign “I have been so scared. I almost lost you all and the idea almost broke me.” He lifted her hand to his mouth “thank you for listening to me. I know that the seat belt while pregnant makes you uncomfortable but thank you for listening to this paranoid old man.” Tears were flowing again and he started singing Every River to her “there is no way without you…” he whispered again once he was finished. “I am sorry for this morning.” He kissed her hand again letting his tears streak along his cheeks “I am so sorry. I just wanted you to slow down and look after yourself. I don’t want to control your life.” He leaned his head against the bed and his shoulders shook with the sobs “I love you. I love you. You are my everything and I promise I will be a better man. I promise I will be worthy of you.” He squeezed her hand “Just don’t leave me, please.” He remained in that position for a time that felt like an eternity, talking to her and begging her forgiveness for his bad temper until he heard a knock and Lysandra appeared on the door. He lifted his head, eyes still puffy. He looked at Lysandra and realised her face probably matched his. Once he had an update on Aelin he had phoned Lys to explain what happened. He had left the shop like a madman. “Hey,” “Hi.” He managed, his voice still gruff. Lysandra waited on the doorstep but with his head he gestured to her to come in. “I will not stay long. I am not allowed in technically. I am not family.” “She would want you here.” His voice was flat and devoid of all emotions. “How is she? They?” Then as an instinct she went to the bottom of the bed and grabbed her chart. Far better than let Rowan retell her everything. The man looked like a wreck. “Looks like they have done a good job,” and placed the chart back. Lysandra moved a step closer to him and placed a hand on his shoulder squeezing. They both stood there in silence until Lysandra spoke “I really need to go.” She added “I closed the shop as usual. You don’t worry about it for the next few days. I’ll look after it. You need to stay with her, okay?” Lysandra’s words were said through sobs. Rowan stood and hugged her. “Look after her, please.” “Always.” He replied, brushing her tears away. Lysandra left and Rowan went back to his seat. He wished he had comforted the woman a bit more but he could barely think. So he relaxed and hoped Lysandra would understand. A doctor came in a few times and he gave him an update telling him that they were planning to keep her in the ICU for a few more days. He explained that she was not out of the woods just yet. As good news he told him that they were planning to remove the ventilator the following morning. Her oxygen levels had improved significantly and it was safe to let her breathe on her own. Rowan allowed himself to sigh relieved.
He had spent the entire night on the chair and when Rowan woke up the following morning by the noise of the nurses going about their job he felt stiff and sore. “I am sorry,” he apologised to one of the nurses “I fell asleep last night.” He turned to Aelin and noticed the tube was gone and looked at the woman. “The doctor removed it this morning. She is breathing with no problems and her oxygen levels are stable and good and there is no risk for the babies either. Their heartbeat is quite strong. Dr. McIver was in as well and he gave her a check up.” Then the nurse went to check her IV “her edema is improving as well. The doctor declared that her neurological responses are all normal. They are keeping her sedated a little longer to allow the body to rest.” Rowan almost hugged the nurse “They will be fine. She might have to stay in the hospital a little bit but they are okay.” She said affectionately “I will come back later. If you need anything I am here.” “Is it okay if I bring her own clothes? She must be uncomfortable with the hospital gown.” “Let me know when you are back and I will help you change her. She has tubes and all sorts of things attached to her.” Rowan nodded and the nurse left him. He leaned forward and kissed Aelin on the cheek “I am coming back soon. I am going to get you a few of my t-shirts and your nice comfy trousers.” Another kiss “I love you.”
When he came back two hours later he noticed Malcolm on the chair he had previously occupied. “Hi Mal.” The man stood in a swift motion “The doctor gave me an update, looks like she will be okay after all.” Rowan nodded “they removed the respirator.” “That is always a good sign.” Explained Malcolm “I sneaked a look at her chart and the test are all good and her neurological functions are perfect which was my fear. The head injury looked far more serious than what it turned out to be.” Rowan dropped the bag on the floor “Yeah, that’s what the doctor said.” “Have you eaten? Have you slept here all night?” Rowan nodded “On the chair and yes I had a quick bite at home.” “I can get you coffee, food, let me know okay?” “Mal,” Rowan asked quietly “Why is her head bandaged that way if the injury wasn’t serious?” “Rowan, every single head injury can be problematic. All I saw when she came in was her head covered in blood and a deep and long gash. That’s why I feared. But it looks like it was not deep enough to damage the skull and the swelling was minimal. It’s for protection. She will have stitches.” “Thanks.” He sighed “I keep fearing the worst. And all the bandages make it look terrifying.” “Do you trust me?” Rowan nodded. “I know that between the tubes, cables and machinery it might seem bad, but that’s the scary side of ICU. They want her here another day because before moving her, they want to be extra sure everything is okay.” “Thanks.” Then Malcolm chuckled “I am waiting for her to wake up and starting giving orders to nurses and doctors.” Rowan let out a gentle chuckle. The sound still felt alien. Malcolm pager went off “Aaaand I have to go.” He gave Aelin a kiss on the cheek and left. Rowan went to call the nurse and with her help they got Aelin into more comfortable clothes. “Thank you for the help.” Once the nurse was away he sat back down and grabbed a book “I brought our favourite book. I know angst is not what you want just now but I might read some of your favourite parts.” And gently he deposited a kiss on her head. Rowan kept reading all the way through the afternoon and once he was finished he placed the book on the nightstand and grabbed her hand in his “do you remember when I was the one who got in an accident and you had to pretend you were my wife?” He chuckled “it felt really nice to be your fake husband for a few hours.” He brushed her cheeks with the back of his hand, then his hand moved down to the bump and lowered the blankets enough to expose a bit of her belly and deposit a kiss on it. “Hi girls. I hope you are okay and keeping mum some company. She really needs you right now.” A small kick against his hand “I know, I am scared too,” another kick and Rowan finally found again the strength to let a small laugh go “I know, I love you too.”
It was two days later when Rowan was told by the doctor that they were happy to finally move her out of the ICU. They had explained that she had been stable enough that she did not need the ICU anymore. Yrene had further explained that they were going to move her in a room in the maternity ward. The pregnancy was the only thing that needed to be kept under control and Yrene wanted to have her under constant observation. “We are also removing the sedation. Which means she will slowly wake up. She will be groggy and with a monumental headache, but I expect her to wake up within a couple of hours.” “Are the girls okay?” Yrene leaned against the edge of the bed “She hit one side of her belly. It did not damage the uterus or the placenta but a trauma like this can cause what we call placental abruption, which means that the placenta detaches partially or completely from the uterine wall. A severe case can lead to death. I am checking her quite regularly to make sure nothing develops.” She explained to him “But when she gets discharged I want her on bed rest. She is not going back to work, she will only be allowed to get out to bed to pee. And I am not joking.” “I have been telling her to ask for early maternity leave for a while and I think Malcolm had been pestering her as well.” “Glad to know we are on the same side on this.” Yrene left and he sat on the bed beside her, one hand in hers and the free one on the bump “Did you hear Yrene? We are putting you under house arrest. But don’t worry, I’ll bring you books, I’ll cook and do anything you need. We’ll make a nice cocoon of the bed and have Netflix ready for you to binge watch when you are too tire to read.” He kissed her head “you scared the hell out of me, Fireheart. I thought I was going to lose you and the girls and and I almost went mad with grief.” He realised he had fallen asleep only much later when he felt a gentle pressure on the hand that was still holding Aelin’s. His heart raced all of a sudden. “Aelin, move your finger again if you hear me.” The movement this time was a bit more pronounced and he saw the finger bend against his hand. “Fireheart…” he called her. Slowly he saw her eyes flutter open. Her beautiful blue eyes staring at him. “Aelin…” he repeated with a broken voice. She looked at him and gave him a very faint and weak smile. She tried to speak but Rowan stopped her. “You were intubated. Your throat must be on fire.” He grabbed a glass of water “drink a little.” He brought the glass to her mouth and she drank. “What…” “You had an accident. You had surgery and had been out for three days. You also injured you head with a bad concussion.” He caressed her head “you got stitches and the doctor said you might experience headaches. You were in the ICU for three days but now they moved you to the maternity ward.” At those words Aelin’s eyes filled with terror. “The twins are fine. Yrene feared they might have to deliver early but in the end there was no need. But she is keeping you under observation for a pathology connected to the placenta. I don’t remember the term she used. “Placental…” she croaked “abruption.” Rowan nodded and took her hand when he saw terror in her blue eyes “You are fine for now. Yrene is just being very careful.” And at those words Aelin relaxed a bit. “You freaked out Malcolm.” Confessed Rowan trying to lighten the mood. “No way.” “You did. Big time. That’s how bad it was.” Rowan sat beside her on his chair and again took her hand “Lys was here very briefly. I am keeping her in the loop and she has been keeping the shop open.” Aelin gave him a tight smile. He then leaned forward and kissed her gently on her lips “Rest now, please. I will be here. I am not going anywhere.”
It was the middle of the night and Aelin woke up all of a sudden screaming “Rowan!” she shouted. He was awake in a second and noticed her distress. He turned on the light “What happened? Are you okay?”He then noticed Aelin was shaking visibly. In an instant he was sitting on the bed at her side and he pulled her up to him. Aelin kept shaking and started crying. “Let me out.” She started sobbing against his chest and Rowan’s heart broke. “Aelin, you are safe. It’s me. You are safe the girls are safe.” She shook her head and the shaking got worse and her breathing became laboured. “Let me out,” she screamed again, the panic thick in her voice. Yrene was in the room in an instant “I heard her scream.” Then she folded forward holding her bump. Rowan moved away and let Yrene work. “Aelin, I need you to try and breathe slowly for me.” She took a belt like device that was abandoned on her nightstand and tied it around Aelin’s waist. The monitor returned the heartbeat of the babies and it was not good. “Aelin, I need you to relax. It’s not good for the twins.” Rowan took a step forward and went to Aelin’s side. He pulled her head to his chest and held her close and started singing Every River to her and slowly she calmed down, her breathing returning to normal. For the babies it took a bit longer but once they were in the clear Yrene left them again. “I am sorry.” She blurted, her hands still shaking a bit. “No, mo chridhe, don’t apologise.” He grabbed her hand and kissed it. He had a feeling he would wake up with nightmares too for a while.
In the morning, while Aelin slept, Rowan had gone home, took a shower and grabbed a few more clothes for her and when he got back he found her in company of Malcolm. The two were laughing and the sound warmed his heart. “You should be resting,” was what he said as he entered the room. The bandages on her arms, the cuts and the bruises on her face and body made her look worse for wear. “He’s right,” said Malcolm standing “And I have to go back to work.” He kissed Aelin on the cheek and disappeared through the door. Aelin wanted to protest but she realised she had no energy. “I brought you clean clothes,” he put the bag on the floor and took out a clean t-shirt. Aelin smiled at him and he helped her remove the t-shirt she had on and replaced with a clean one. “It smells like you.” “Good,” he added kissing her forehead “How are you feeling?” “Tired, my head hurts and my so does my body and the food sucks.” She commented “As I doctor I never bothered but now that I am a patient I can see that food really is bad.” “Do you want me to get you something?” He sat on the bed beside her. “Yes please. A slice of chocolate cake from your aunt would be amazing to cheer me up.” Then she patted her bump “the girls want it.” “Using our daughters to satisfy your sugar needs is not very motherly.” “Rowan Whitethorn, I’ll sell you to the highest bidder for a chocolate cake.” “I love you,” he told her while pressing a gentle kiss on her lips.
When he got back to the room he found her talking to their daughters. “I bring chocolate.” “Come here you.” She extended her arms greedily. “I am starting to think you love chocolate cake more than me.” He joked. It felt good to to it again after the horror that his life has been in the past few days. “Of course, Buzzard. You have an aunt who provides amazing chocolate delicacies. Do you really think I fell for you for your charming personality?” He scoffed and left the room with the bag carrying the cake still in his hands. “Rowan.” She shouted “I am recovering, don’t you have a bit of compassion for a poor lady stuck in bed?” He popped his head in the room “Lady? I don’t see any lady in here.” And he disappeared again and Aelin groaned in frustration. As soon as she could she would get her revenge. Rowan came back a moment later and sat down on the chair in front of her bed. Showed her a fork and opened the cake container and with provocation took a bite of the cake and that was it for him “How can you eat something so sweet?” He said while flinching in disgust. Aelin’s stare was murderous. “Fine, you can have it.” He passed her the cake “You are going to be sick.” “I am not a newbie.” She started eating and felt her mood improve immediately. “Did Yrene spoke to you?” Aelin pretended not to hear him. “Aelin?” He tried to take the cake away from her but she protested. “Did you talk to Yrene?” “Do you want to know if she told me I am on bed rest until the twins arrive? Yes, she did. And Malcolm piled on as well.” “Good.” “And can I hope you will listen to them?” “I have to. Yrene is really preoccupied about placental abruption. She says that in the spot near where the bump took the hit there are warning signs appearing. She also talked about a scheduled delivery at 36 weeks. If no issues arise.” He saw fear in her eyes. Hopefully she would finally slow down “there is so much going on though. The house move is in two weeks and I won’t be able to help or do anything.” He sat on the bed “we have a lot already packed and Aedion and Lysandra have offered to help. You just heal and get better and look after Freyja and Morrigan and leave the house move to me, please.” He caressed her face “You should sleep a bit more, you don’t look well.” Aelin nodded and lay down in bed and Rowan took his seat back on the chair. “Will you stay here with me?” He gave her a kiss “Of course.” “I am sorry….” He lowered his head. “Why?” He could not look at her “The other morning, what I said. I was just so angry.” Aelin leaned forward and ran a hand through his silvery hair “Ro, I said horrible things too. We are both at fault. We both have bad tempers and no filters. And I regret very single word I said.” She leaned back against the pillow. She was exhausted but they needed closure on that fight “You were just trying to look after me. And you were right. I was not well I should have stayed at home. But I am stubborn and well… we know how it ended.” He finally looked at her and he felt his eyes get wet again “I thought…” a deep breath “While you were still in surgery I kept thinking that the last words I told you were out of a fight. I let you go without telling you I love you or a kiss. I almost went crazy with grief.” He took another deep breath “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He repeated almost to make up for all the times he did not have time to say it. “I want to be worthy of you. Of our daughters.” He confessed lowering his head in apology. “Rowan, mo chridhe, you are worthy.” Her fingers ran under his chin and lifted his head to look at her “You are my wonderful man.” Aelin extended her arms “Come here.” Rowan stood and sat beside her in bed and buried himself in her embrace and with his head in the crook of her neck he breathed in her scent “I know you don’t want to control my life.” Her hand brushed his back “I can’t believe that for a moment I compared you to Chaol.” She kissed her head and his arms tightened around her and as he leaned closer he felt a kick against his abdomen and a chuckle left him. “Our daughters are trying to put their two pence worth.” Aelin smiled against his head and continued “Ro, I know a relationship where a fight ends up in a contest to see who can be more hurtful and neither actually regrets the words. That is not us.” She brushed his long hair “we bicker and sometimes we fight as well, but never with the intent of hurting the other. And if I am nasty to you I regret it immediately and I know you do too.” Rowan looked up at her and kissed her deeply and Aelin leaned in into the kiss and when they pulled apart they were both breathless. “Plus, I need to keep being in your good books. You bring me cake.” Aelin laughed and Rowan kissed her again “I am happy to bring you cake forever.” “We should put it in the wedding vows.” He brushed her cheek with the back of his hand “We will, but for now rest.” Aelin nodded and ten minutes later she was fast asleep.
It was ten days later when Yrene decided to finally discharge Aelin and Rowan was in full fuss mode. “I got all the papers. We are ready to go.” He said as he brought the wheelchair in the room. He helped Aelin to get in it and then grabbed her bags with the clothes. Aelin said goodbye to the nurses and they finally left the hospital. The fresh June air hit her and after almost two weeks inside a hospital bedroom she welcomed the smell of summer. When they got to the car he noticed Aelin tensed. “Will you be okay?” “Is not that I have any other options. Plus, you are a good driver. I will be fine.” He helped her in the car and Aelin closed her eyes and pretended she was somewhere else. They were half way home when Aelin shouted at Rowan “Stop the car.” Slowly he found a safe spot to pull over and turned to her. In her face he saw utter panic. “Ae, I am going as slowly as legally possible, but we have to get home.” “I know,” she breathed, as the tried to stop herself from being sick “Give me five minutes.” He lowered the windows and let the fresh air fill the car. Then he got out of the car and went to her side and opened the door. He took her hand and pulled her out of the seat and in front of the car and off the road. He hugged, letting her lean completely on him. “What are you doing?” “Distracting you.” He kissed her. She snuggled against his chest and inhaled his pine scent “it’s working.” “Good.” “Kiss me again.” And he did that and felt Aelin relax in his arms “I think we can go home now.” Rowan nodded and helped her go back to her seat. Once inside Aelin started playing with the mp3 player “I think we need a good soundtrack for the last part of the journey,” and she blasted Peat and Diesel “and that’s the way we do it in the Western Isles.” She started singing. Rowan laughed and sang with her. Music had helped her not think about her fear and they made it back home without any further episodes. Once they got in the house Aelin was not prepared for the amount of boxes lying around. “You have been busy I see. When did you do this?” “While I was at home.” “So instead of relaxing you came home and packed?” Rowan nodded. “The bookcases looks sad without books.” “I know, but they are all packed now. That was the worst part. I donated a lot to a charity shop.” She glared at him. “Just my books. I haven’t touched yours. I actually had books that I did not care keeping and it helped. Just a little.” “Once we are in the new house I’ll do the same. I am positive that there are books I don’t want to keep.” Then she stood from the sofa where she had collapsed seated. “I need a shower. A real shower. I feel gross.” “Go,” he said “Are you hungry?” Aelin nodded eagerly. “Good, I’ll make lunch.” She turned to him and kissed his lips “you are the man of my dreams.” Rowan laughed and walked away to the kitchen. When she got to the kitchen half an hour later she noticed Rowan all busy cooking. “Nice shower?” “You have no idea.” She tried to take a seat at the high chairs at the kitchen aisle but failed. “Go to the living room and sit on the sofa, we are eating there.” “Thank you. I hate these things. Why can’t you have normal chair like everyone?” He kissed her “Because I have a kitchen island and a normal chair will not do. When I went for a fancy kitchen I had not taken into account that one day I’d have a pregnant woman in the house.” “Fine.” Aelin waddled all the way back to the living room and plopped exhausted on the sofa “You will need a forklift to remove me from here.” The sound of Rowan’s laugh echoed through the house. Not long after he arrived and placed the plates on the coffee table and passed one to Aelin. She placed it on her belly and smiled at him “my bump is the perfect tray.” Rowan scoffed and went back to his lunch “I was thinking something…” “That’s dangerous.” “Hear me out.” “Go on.” Said Aelin taking another bite of the amazing stir fry he had made. “I was thinking that once we are in the new house we could invite your mother to stay with us for a while.” He stopped with a finger as soon as he noticed she was poised to fight him “I need to be at the bookstore. But I don’t like the idea of leaving you at home alone. I can take the odd day off but there is a lot I have to do and I can’t dump everything on Lys. If you mother is here she could help. And when the twins come… she could help us a bit more. I have read all those books on parenting, but reading and doing it’s not the same and I don’t want to mess up, So…” “I think it’s a great idea.” Aelin admitted looking at him “Mum has already offered to help and she’d be happy to come here.” “You are not mad.” “Why would I? I agree. You need to go back to work. I am the one stuck at home. And mom will be able to help with the twins.” “Okay. Good.” And he smiled relived. When Aelin eventually fell asleep on the sofa later on he placed a blanket on her and lifted her feet on the sofa so that she would be in a comfortable position. He stroked her hair and the her bump “You three rest.” And in silence he went back packing.
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@rowaelinismyotp
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I don't know if you can really give me advice about this, but no one else can either so.
I'm autistic, and I have ADHD, multiple severe anxiety disorders, depression and a sprinkling of other disorders that make my life more complicated than it needs.
Ever since I graduated HS, barely, I haven't been doing anything with my life. Everyone keeps asking what I am going to do. Most of my family doesn't understand my disabilities very well. But I feel it like a pang in my heart. Yknow? Everyone used to have such high expectations of what I would accomplish before everything seemed to go "wrong", and I admit I had high expectations for myself too. But now it feels like everyone is expecting either too much or nothing at all; and me personally, I have no idea what to do.
I can't drive because of my terrible attention issues and depth perception issues. But I'm terrified of public transportation because of anxiety. Even if I could get help to drive and poss. medication I can't understand the wording of the questions on the drivers test because much like school they word them funny to try and trick you.
I want to be active, but really the only kind of activity that exists for an adult is work. Even if we removed transportation as an issue, I can't function well in a work environment because my communication is inappropriate, my anxiety is bad, my adhd means I zone out a lot and I have poor executive functioning according to the tests, and due to health reasons I can't really stand all day.
People have talked about work place accommodations using the VR service, but 1. I dont know if I'm functional enough to be considered a good investment on their part. 2. I'd need proof of my disability diagnoses which would be hard. 3. I wouldn't want to get stuck working in some factory for the rest of my life cause thats where they put the disabled people in my community.
Personally I'd love to go school and get a degree in something I'm passionate about, but HS was traumatic for me. I was supposed to get help but they sort of screwed me instead. I don't know if I could keep up in college anyways considering how messy I was in HS; I just couldn't keep up with my learning difficulties. Then throw my other disabilities on top for laughs. I don't want to go through the hell of student loans unless I'm certain I'm competent enough to go to college. Which seems an impossible dream at this moment.
I even have tried looking for volunteer opportunities, despite my difficulties as certain people offered to help me. But my community isn't really rich with volunteers of any kind, we don't even have a community center which is where most people tell you to go on these advice pages. Now covid has turned that dream into even bigger poppycock.
Multiple professionals have confirmed their suspicions of my neurodevelopmental disorders and I've even been treated for them a few times, but its not an official standing diagnosis. I've been recommended to neuropsych assessments to have it confirmed but its hard to get as an adult.
Most of mental illness diagnoses were confirmed by doctors I wish not to speak to or didn't officially diagnose me either but treated me for it.
Psychiatric care and psychological help are impossible to find near me, and if you can find one they have a wait list longer than Jesus at the rapture. Either way I haven't had any luck with them and have had a string of bad doctors.
So I feel stuck, I feel like crap spending all day at home and they way to feel better is to do something, but the only things I can do require me to feel better.
It feels like a merry go round. You can't do this because of autism n adhd so do Y, you can't do Y because of anxiety go do X, you can't do X because of depression do Z, you can't do Z because of autism...
Everything I can think to do feels like I'm supposed to do something else first but I can't.
I know comorbidity is part of my problem so I'm sorry if you feel like this falls outside your blogs speciality. I just.
I feel like the autism community would be the one to most understand my situation? I mean, in school they were supposed to come up with a post graduate plan for me so I could succeed, but they didn't. They shrugged it off (despite its requirement by law?) Because i was too high functioning and didn't need it but now all I am is floundering and wishing I had anyone to tell me what to do.
What am I supposed to do while I'm sitting here on wait lists to try and get some kind of help? I cant just keep sitting in my house doing nothing and letting my brain melt. Its terrible for me, its bad for depression, and I just really wanted to do more. But most "more" seems to involve things that aren't actually available to me like community programs, cost a lot of money (independent college classes, if i could find any online.) Or just boil down to keep on trying.
I don't want you to think I'm just a "I can't" person either, caause I'm sure thats how this message reads; I'm really just searching for anything I CAN do to improve my life at this moment and feel like I'm doing something.
I'm not expecting you to have a miracle answer or anything, but surely there are lot of other autistic people who made it through HS only to be dropped off a cliff in the real world? What do you do when you're stuck in between?
I know this ask is really long and a bit... all over... I hope you understand what I'm talking about and if not its okay you can delete the message, I'd understand. Please have a good day!👽
The ask is completely fine, no need to worry. Neither did it read like you were an “I can’t” person. Even if it did, I want you to know that it’s absolutely okay not to be able to do things and there’s no shame in saying so, or at least there shouldn’t be. Regardless of what you could do earlier in your life or what expectations you or your family had.
So what can you do, you ask. Counter question for you: What do you want to do? And what makes you feel like you’re doing something with your life? You mentioned college and work but there’s more to life than just that. If you have a special interest, for example, I bet you like spending your time on it, and time spent with anything that gives you joy is time spent well. Special interests or just simple hobbies are a great way to “do something in life”, you get to engage in something, learn and gather knowledge, be creative and so much more. And the best part is it’s something you can do right now.
For other things in life such as work or college and the things needed to get (or stay) there, just do what you can but don’t beat yourself up for the things you can’t. The way out of that merry-go-round is to take small steps whenever you can and optimally getting help with that from family, friends or counseling/professionals.
More specific advice ahead, regarding the things you mentioned. Just keep in mind that most of the issues you named are highly dependent on the country you live in and I can’t give precise advice for any other than my own country due to lack of knowledge.
If you don’t financially rely on working yourself (e.g. due to living with your parents), my advice would be to focus on your health first. If you still want to work, an option could be e.g. a remote part-time job that you can do from home, optimally with flexible working hours because of the work-related issues you mentioned. But getting further accommodations without any medical reports is difficult, that’s right.
About that, is there any way for you to get your diagnoses and/or difficulties documented retrospectively? You mentioned not wishing to speak with certain doctors but do you have e.g. a GP/family physician with knowledge of at least some of your medical history? It always helps to collect as much proof as possible, even if they’re not formal diagnoses. However, it depends on your specific country’s regulations on what “counts” as proof so that your employer/college is required to accommodate you.
So try to gather as much of your medical reports as you can, and also keep looking for further psychiatric/psychological care. Concerning the waiting lists, definitely have your name put on them. You’ll have to wait either way so you might as well just register. You can still cancel in case they get back to you and you already found something else earlier. A solution to both the regional lack of professionals and the transportation issue might be online therapy. Check whether your insurance provider covers it first, though.
About your wish for education, this is something that can be done. While the framework conditions in college (e.g. bureaucracy, deadlines, workload) are relatively strict, it varies depending on the specific program and university. Accommodations can also help a lot with college. The bigger problem is financing your education in the first place and you seem to live in a country with (high) tuition costs since you mentioned student loans.
My best advice here would be free or low tuition online colleges, possibly also from other countries if they allow international students since the costs might be lower. For instance, check out the University of the People, I found it after a quick search but note that they still have fees. Other than that, completely free online classes are always an option, many colleges offer them. The topic selection might be sparse, though, depending on what area you want to get in. Self-study is also possible, however it won’t get you a certificate in the end. But not in all areas degrees are strictly needed to get a job.
“Do it virtually” is also my answer regarding to volunteering if you want to do it but not locally. Many non-profit organizations or activist groups organize themselves online, especially now during the pandemic. And some have always been online by default, like Wikipedia. It really depends what area you want to participate in but there’s definitely a way!
So maybe some of these points are helpful for you, to give you at least an idea where to start. If anyone else reading this has suggestions for anon, feel free to share them as well!
And thanks, you also have a good day!
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cynwritess · 3 years
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Writing High Characters
Hey, your local writing pothead here to help you guys accurately write your 4/20 friendly characters. Just want to put this out there before I start, in no way am I saying go out there and do drugs. Drugs are bad kids. Stay away from them. But feel free to use the information in this post to write your stoner characters!
Joints and blunts are two different things. 
You have to be careful description wise because if you describe a blunt like a joint anyone will easily know you did not do your research. A joint is rolled with papers, usually with a filter (paper that is folded so the herb doesn’t fly into your mouth while taking a pull) and twisted at the end. A blunt is rolled with tobacco leaf, which you usually have to hollow out yourself. Which one your character uses is up to personal preference and convenience. Papers are the healthier option but leaves burn nicer. At the end of the day, both get the job done so it’s just a matter of preference for your character.
There’s also pens and pipes.
If your character is health conscious then have them use a pipe. There’s different kinds like crystal or glass and both get the job done as well. This is the one where you put the herbs in a small little bowl, light it, and inhale from the other end. Highly recommend this for your classy characters as well. 
On the contrary, there’s also pens/carts. If you watch Grand Army then you probably know what I’m talking about. This is when the THC oil is in a small glass cartridge and a pen component oxidizes it. If your character has strict parents but still wants to get high they will more than likely invest in carts but keep in mind a lot are fakes if not bought from dispensaries. Fakes are filled with pesticides and chemicals that can later affect their health. If you’re character is smoking them very often and finishing carts by themselves, consider giving them health issues along the road or even realizing this and switching. 
Weed is not crack. Don’t treat it like it is.
It’s an herb. It’s medicinal. It’s a valid coping mechanism. There are dozens of reasons why someone can start smoking. When I first started I was using it to self-medicate for my eating disorder and my anxiety. It can also be used for emotional trauma. It isn’t always just “I wanna get high let me smoke” many marijuana users have a reason. 
At the same time, that doesn’t mean it can’t be abused. If your character is smoking several times a day every single day and feels as if they can’t function without it, they have a problem that needs to be addressed. You can’t physically become dependent on weed and there aren’t any severe withdrawal symptoms (insomnia, lack of appetite, and restlessness is about as far as it goes) they can still become heavily dependent on it if not used in moderation. After long-term abuse they might begin to have issues like disassociation.
The high is nothing like hard drugs. 
It depends on the strain and how much is smoked how you feel. There’s indica, sativa, and hybrid in terms of types of weed, with different strains for each one. Indica is a body high and very mellow, it makes you a couch potato and not want to move. Sativa is a head high and usually much more potent, this is usually when people get crazy thoughts and ideas. Hybrid can fall anywhere on the spectrum because its a combination of indica and sativa. No matter what strain you’re smoking, unless its laced (when its mixed with other drugs like fentanyl or oxy) you’re character will always know what they are doing in the sense that they are present and semi-aware. It’s not like xanax where you can black out and do stuff you won’t remember. The worst thing that could happen is you completely devour everything in your kitchen. 
You can’t overdose but you can green out. 
I love Grand Army because it shows so many experiences that usually never get talked about. If you watched the show then you know what scene I’m unfortunately referring to, but when Tim was in the cab and his vision and hearing was distorted, that’s greening out. On the outside, it just looks like being zoned out. On the inside... not so much.
So technically it’s impossible to overdose on weed but you can get too high. Some of the symptoms are:
racing heart
manual breathing (when you actually have to focus on how to breathe)
a rushing head feeling
“zoning out”
If your character is going to green out you need to focus on a lot of inner dialogue that’s sporadic and doesn’t really have a concise train of thought. If they’re aware of the fact that they’re greening out they might drink water or get something to eat and that often fixes the problem.
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delusionland · 3 years
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vanya write-up:
the hargreeves are not good people. we love them, for their dysfunction---for their soap opera drama---but everywhere they go, the destruction of the universe follows. and it’s not just vanya, loathe as the siblings are to admit it. it’s all of them. but the way the universe seeks to destroy the hargreeves at every turn, a kind of ‘constant state of apocalyptic soap opera flux’ because of the time bearu and fate & alien puppeteering----vanya is the most interesting to me.
because all the hargreeves think very little is their fault, loathe as they are to admit it. their father bred into them very little sense of empathy for the world around them (with the exception of diego and klaus) and/or even each other---their mistakes are products of their upbringng, they think. even when they’re self-aware, even when they’re joking about their trauma, they have never dealt with themselves and their effect on the world around them, and it shows. even diego and klaus feel completely removed from the world at large. they are superpowered ALIEN GODS and, even worse, FABULOUSLY WEALTHY CHILD CELEBRITIES. 
they do not understand how to be normal everyday people, because they can’t be. even klaus & diego’s connections with the outside world are fraught in terms of willful voluntary dissociation (klaus’ drug use) and co-dependent patterns of self-sacrificial protector / protectee in diego’s own brand of heroism. even when they try to get better---when they try to be a part of the world---they mess up, they fuck up, they SOMETIMES try to get better---but they still have a chip on their shoulder that says ‘daddy fucked me up and now i’m a perpetual fuck up that doesn’t WANT TO BE HERE facing my actual soap opera apocalypse problems i’d much rather be pretending they don’t exist while also taking them for granted and accepting them as a normal part of my life that i can never change.’
why is vanya the most interesting, then? because she, unlike the rest of them, was never tortured, was never branded, was never a celebrity to the same extent, and did not even realize her powers because of brainwashing to believe herself inferior to her siblings and mediocre in every possible way, even in art, even in feelings---and it gave her a near-universal victim complex, that causes her to hurt other people, and pretend she’s not hurting them, that she’s actuallly in the right, that she’s the SENSIBLE one, she’s the NORMAL one, she knows what she’s doing, because she’s just AVERAGE and that means she’s OBJECTIVE, and even when she’s technically worse than them---she knows BETTER.
vanya canonically has a rage bubbling beneath the surface, anxieties, extremely powerful feelings and the ability to change and destroy, that she is numbing with prescription medication that she probably EXTREMELY needs to quell the rage in her heart.
she was KILLING WOMEN who just wanted to take care of her, AS A CHILD. none of the others were killing people they weren’t TOLD to kill. she has no understanding of the worth of people’s life until she’s an adult---and even then, she still hurts people, knowing what their life means, until she is literally willing to destroy the universe, turning off what little empathy she has gained in order to be the most special & interesting & ARTISTIC FINAL one-night-only one-woman show as a last plead for her family to go ‘you’re so SPECIAL, VANYA! YOU’RE SO COOL!’
she’s an artist at trying to make you feel bad for her. she’s an artist at ‘look at me : ( please look at me. i’m so sad even though i’m going to try to be there for you---and make it about how good i am : ) because i want to be good so bad : ) i’m just a girl... who wants a sister... i’m just a girl... who wants to be part of a family... even though i weaponized their trauma against them... to finally, just for once, be the center of attention.... and it didn’t even last very long... because the book wasn’t GOOD... because i am physically stopped by the laws of the universe from figuring out how to be a good writer’
like vanya has done BAD THINGS even before she ended the world. talking about her family’s trauma in such a public way without their permission is INEXCUSABLE. there are so many steps you have to take to publish a book like that, so many ways you have to go, i see that they are hurting, and i am going to LITERALLY profit off of that.
vanya WANTED to hurt them. some part of her felt they DESERVED it.
even denying herself all her rage until it left her the catatonic center of attention---vanya is essentailly violent, and is always dealing with the same lack of empathy her siblings are.
vanya has no friends, no relationships, except her siblings. she cannot function as a person JUST THE SAME WAY THEY CAN’T, and she blames THEM for it.
vanya is not an innocent little uwu cottagecore lesbian! she never saw kindness as a child except from a MONKEY and a robot she claimed was just an extension of her terrible father and who she LITERALLY tried to murder and she does not understand human relationships, and her brainwashed inferiority complex, plus the medication dampening her senses & emotions without changing the root cause of her problems... makes her so, so much worse.
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sevenmikento · 3 years
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sevenmikento's omegaverse au <3
hello!
i thought i’d share some details on my personal interpretation of the omegaverse (aka a/b/o) au for reference for future works! for anyone who doesn’t know,basically it’s an AU where everyone is categorised into three “identities”: Alpha, Beta and Omega HOWEVER for my version i’ll only have Alphas and Omegas because i’m lazy. 
SO, the population is generally divided into 60% Alphas and 40% Omegas bc i just want Omegas to be ~valued~ and ~sought after~ yknow whaT I MEAN wink wink 
disclaimer before i get into more details: this au is known for being super sexual (which i am really into ngl) but as i’m not comfortable with writing sexy times, i’ll be focusing more on the other aspects of a/b/o! do feel free to send me any nsfw asks though, i’ll be happy to reply, i’m just such a virgin that i can’t fathom writing smut AHAHAH
TRAITS
every person has scent glands which are located mostly in the side of the neck and inside of wrists
regardless of the person’s orientation, the scent glands have the same functions which include: 
releasing pheromones which are unique to each and every individual
romantic compatibility depends on whether a person feels attracted to another’s SCENT aka the pheromones
ALPHAS
50% are biologically male and 50% are biologically female 
typically more aggressive, assertive and dominant
they biologically are the ones who can impregananant omegas
go into ruts (aka period of time every month in which they wanna bang)
OMEGAS
also 50% biologically male and 50% biologically female
typically more passive, gentle and submissive
they biologically are the ones who get pregananannt 
go into heats (aka period of time every month in which they wanna bang)
SCENT GLANDS & BONDING
okay so 
BONDING is essentially “marriage” but tis more intimate and also has physical effects
in my omegaverse bonding can only occur when both alpha and omega are consenting
how it works is that the Alpha would bite the Omega’s scent gland and within the span of ten minutes, the Omega would have to bite the Alpha’s scent gland and *jazz hands*
they are now bonded
this mean that they can only mate with one another unless they decide to break up in which they would have to go through a medical procedure to erase the bond (this makes me kinda sad ngl)
BONDED BEHAVIOUR
THIS IS THE GOOD SHIT IN MY OPINION 
alphas (even before bonding) would have the tendency to scent their Omegas by rubbing their scent gland over them—this “establishes their dominance” over them and steers away other alphas who are potentially interested in the omega
after bonding, most go on with their usual lives except they develop the need to often be near their mate—not necessarily in a sexual way, it’s simply as if their desire for intimacy just grows stronger
omegas would develop the tendency to “steal” things like clothes from their Alpha (bc it smells good to them lol) and cling onto them ESPECIALLY if they have to be physically away from the alpha for a period of time
NESTING
exclusively omega behaviour
it’s essentially their natural birth-giving instincts kicking in (even if they’re not pregananant) bc pups (aka babies) need to be in nests with their mothers (refers to all omegas, not just those who are biologically female) 
when not with a pup, omegas create nests to soothe themselves and often it consists of soft belongings of their alphas like clothes and bed sheets–things that have a lot of pheromones stuck to them 
that’s pretty much it for now! if i think of more stuff, i’ll just update this post :3c
as for social implications of being an alpha/omega, unconventional relationships, stereotypes etc. i’ll explore those in future works! :D i absolutely love this universe so much, it’s just something super self-indulgent so i hope you all enjoy it too HAHAH
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