cw: implied sexual trauma, panic attack, intimacy struggles
You don’t notice it happening until it’s buzzing under your skin. Loud and unavoidable, the only thing you can pay attention to is the irregular flutter of your heart and the way it seems that all the air has been vacuumed from the room—
“Hey.”
You blink, and Katsuki is no longer above you. He’s not touching you at all—you turn your head to find him next to you, propped up on an elbow and only worried.
“Too much?”
The panic flares at the question, because what if this is the last time? What if he’s tired of this?
Your exhale is shaky—your laugh is forced and sounds out of place. “No, it was fine, I just—“
“Oi—“ he says, gently, “tell me the truth.”
The truth burns your eyes and keeps them on the ceiling, away from his. You nod, helpless and resigned to whatever comes next.
“What’s goin’ on in your head?”
You feel the tears spill over before you can catch them. You swipe them away with the back of your wrist. It’s still numb. “I’m just sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin it.”
He grunts a little in acknowledgment—a displeased, ugly sound—and then there’s movement that finally draws your eyes to him. You watch him cover himself with your duvet—all the way up to his chin.
“S’it okay if I hold you?”
He reaches for you and you let him pull you in. His hands stay above your shoulders and pointedly avoid your neck—cradling your head, letting you hide in the curve of his throat. His pulse is steady and constant against your forehead—or you imagine it would be, if it wasn’t muted by the fabric.
“Nothin’ is ruined,” he murmurs against your hairline, “s’my job to keep you safe.”
Your chest shudders against the cushion of the blanket and you feel a little guilty about crying all over it but Katsuki keeps you there, tethered to him. The ringing in your ears subsides, just a little. Just enough to hear the panic in your own voice.
“I promise I want it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m sorry—“
“Hey, hey,” he shushes you, careful not to tighten his arms around your shoulders. “Nothin’ to be sorry for. S’too much today—that’s all.”
It’s quiet, then, save for your sniffling. He keeps his mouth pressed to your hair, and his arms wrapped around you. There is a noticeable absence of his fingertips tracing along your skin—you don’t feel them there at all, and it’s on purpose. He’s considerate and it makes you anxious.
“Can hear you thinkin’.”
“I just—“ you inhale, trying to be brave, “I don’t want you to leave. I know I can’t—give you this—“
“Oi,” he gruffs, a little sharply, “I don’t give a shit about that. M’not a barbarian.”
You feel the expansion of his lungs as he draws in a slow exhale, and lets it out against the crown of your head. “Don’t think so little of me,” he murmurs, tone laced with hurt.
“You’re right,” you whisper, because he is, “I love you.”
“Love you.” He kisses it into your skin, soft and barely there. “Always will.”
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can't take my eyes off you
pairing. kuroo tetsurou x gn!reader
genre. fluff
wc. 1236........
warnings. HIGHLY self indulgent as usual, basically self ship coded but hopefully still entertaining and relatable, reader has confidence/self worth issues, sappy af, almost certainly has grammar mistakes
a/n. based on me hating being photographed irl. also why is writing so fun but so scary. TENSES ARE SO HARD
“tetsurou. if you take one more goddamn picture of me, i swear i’ll—"
the sound of his phone camera capturing a picture cuts you off mid sentence, followed immediately by your huff of frustration.
"you'll what, hmm? you don't scare me."
he flashed you a big cheesy grin, all the while still pointing the camera at you. you scowl at him, ready to risk it all and attempt a lunge at his phone in order to stop this madness.
you hated having your picture taken and he knew it, but for some reason he chose to ignore that fact, as if possessed by the need to piss you off. he could be really good at that when he wanted to be.
as soon as you initiated your plan of attack, your hand getting tantalizingly close to the offending device, he pulled it just out of reach. hopelessly, you flopped back onto the bed, groaning in frustration.
“why do you hate me."
“now now. would my camera roll be full of someone i hate?"
“if you were planning to kill me, yea. besides, i dont think having hideous pictures of me is exactly helping your argument.”
he just rolled his eyes in response.
you heard the shutter sound once more while your defenses were down. the last straw.
before he had time to react, you grabbed the nearest blanket and covered your head with it, holding on tightly so that he couldn't expose you to humiliation all over again. you probably had a better chance of ruining his plans by hiding than by trying to overpower him anyway.
“hey! get back here!"
his attempts to uncover you were met with shrieks of protest and a tightened clutch on the blanket. not to mention a few wild jabs of your limbs into the air, which if he hadn't so skillfully dodged, might have hurt just a little.
“fine. time for me to look through these and admire the fruits of my labor."
you cringed at the thought of how the pictures looked. how you looked. most of them were probably blurry anyways because of the thrashing that you were doing to escape the lense, thank god.
maybe you could persuade him to get rid of them. maybe you could sneak into his phone later and delete them yourself. maybe—
“you're beautiful, you know."
all thoughts of treachery came to a screeching halt. after sitting there with your mouth open in shock for a good few seconds, you shook your head, moving the blanket with it.
“nuh uh."
“yuh huh."
“nope."
“without doubt."
his tone of finality made you want to scream your throat sore, but instead you lay there quietly, silently disagreeing with him again.
it was relatively quiet for far too long after that, with quiet cackles drifting over from the other side of the bed being the only sound you could hear from underneath your shield. presumably brought on by pictures that were extra stupid. not to mention revolting.
your thoughts were spiralling right along with your mood now, eyes almost welling up with tears, but you stubbornly pushed them back. it seemed ridiculous to get this worked up over something that wasn't necessarily that serious. kuroo was just trying to be playful and you knew that. it was hard not to feel this way, though, especially when it came to something that was such a big insecurity.
he sighed loudly, snapping you out of your head momentarily.
“can you please come out from under there? i swear the camera's not open. i put the phone down and everything.”
“liar."
“am not! i just wanna see your pretty face with my own eyes now."
you grumbled a weak protest before relenting.
“fine. but i swear if you—"
“would you just hurry up already."
“oh my god, alright."
you slowly pulled the blanket from your face, and you could see that he was telling the truth. for now at least. he was lying there right next to you, already staring, as if straight into your soul. god, you wanted to shrivel up and disappear immediately.
“it's rude to stare, you know."
“don’t care."
you felt so awkward and exposed, and the only thought in your mind now was getting out of this conversation.
you started to try and untangle yourself from the blankets and get up out of the bed, only to feel your own arm being pulled out from under you. falling back next to kuroo, you covered your face and made a noise of frustration.
the first thing you saw after pulling your hands from your face again were those amber eyes still fixed on you, a slight grin on that smackable face.
“ummmm, hello? can I leave?"
he shrugged.
“you can do whatever you want."
you tried to sit up and leave again, only to be pulled right back down next to him a second time.
“i- what's happening right now?”
“good question. i changed my mind, you don't get to leave anymore.”
you masked your face with a deadpan expression, only because you were desperately trying to avoid giving him the satisfaction of seeing you crack a smile.
“are you serious right now?"
“as the plague."
at that, you couldn't help but snort.
“and why is it that you're trapping me here?"
“i decided that you have to lie here and listen to me tell you why you're amazing."
“yea, sure, whatever you say."
“i really can make you a list if you want. although i think it would take less time to make a list of reasons why i don't like you."
“i pick that one."
“ha! nice try. hmm, now let's see... you're endlessly stubborn. quiet and standoffish with most people.”
you raised an eyebrow. maybe this wouldn't be so difficult after all.
“though still kind to everyone who deserves it. alluring. determined. passionate even when it's hard. you care so much that it's scary sometimes. ”
you avoided eye contact. okay. at this point you were starting to feel far too exposed again.
"you try way too hard to keep people at arm's length, but if they're lucky enough to be loved by you, they're taken care of whenever, wherever. you're smart, even if you don't think it's true. stunning as well as irresistible.”
when he said that, he caressed your cheek while you basically became one with the mattress.
“and so independent that it feels like you don't need me around sometimes. but also soft and gentle and giving.”
his voice had dropped almost to a whisper when he spoke those last words. at this point, your face was nearly burning off. you were almost sure that he could feel the heat radiating from you.
“okay, okay—"
“and, oh yea, did i mention beautiful? enough to be my wallpaper."
he picked up his phone and flashed it at you, a slightly blurry picture from not twenty minutes before illuminating the screen. you could tell he was proud of himself from the smug grin stretched across his face.
“you're an ass."
“come onnnnn, you love me, admit it.“
right then, your chest swelled with affection for him, so much that it felt like you could suffocate. still, you paused just long enough for him to start acting offended, before smiling softly and speaking quietly.
“yea, i really do. thank you, tetsurou.”
thank you for reading! <3 — txmxkis
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