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quelyquinnn · 4 minutes ago
Tonight I asked him for a sign… a sign to show me that’s he’s watching over me, but he’s not mine anymore…I lost him forever. No one earthed me out of the soil like him. I guess everyone we meet, anyone we spend our time with has their own way of revealing pieces of who we are and what we become over time.
If I let go… I can’t. He left me suddenly and yet I always knew he would, he said so himself since the day we met. And he tried to warn me… and still… my longing for his love possessed me to stay. I stayed by his side, until took his last breath. I stayed by his side like our love was 80 years old, like time gave us a chance. I’m selfish to ask for a sign when there are those who loved him more. And I don’t care that if I was selfless to love him when he knew I couldn’t for too long. Maybe the pain he felt was a bitter reminder… like waking up a minute before your alarm sounds… the way pain, physical pain makes itself known.
I wonder if gravity has any hold on me…yes. I am just so far away in my own thoughts.
I wonder if we had it our way… oh the feeling of being in his arms… the way he said he missed me before I’d leave. The plans we made…
Maybe he just played along… maybe I gave him hope, with my faith like a child.
He touched my soul and I was swimming in a sea of stars falling up in space and drowning. I’ll never know what could have been.
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hotsaree · 14 minutes ago
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Actress Poonam Bajwa Hot Photos in Pink Saree
Visit more hot saree's ->
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ig-platform9andd3quarterss · 17 minutes ago
strawberry moon, june 2021. (last supermoon of the year)
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just like the pink supermoon of april 2021 whose name comes not from its colour but refers to the early springtime blooms of the moss pink wildflower native to northeast america, the name of the strawberry moon came from native american tribes whose members harvested strawberries after june’s full moon. these names were given according to the Old Farmer's almanac. images via AP photo and Getty images. 🍓🌕
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hollandsrecs · 25 minutes ago
friends to lovers masterlist (1)
links last checked 25/06/2021 | more masterlists
aftercare by dlwritings
summary: not everyone cares about their first time. some people just wanted to get it over with. you had always wanted it to be special. a special time with a special guy. but after ages of never finding that guy, you decide to just get it over with. tom helps with the aftermath of the disaster.
all for her by screamholland
summary: a single-dad bartender, a supportive best friend and their continuous, unrequited love noticed by his optimistic daughter. is it possible to break a heart they never knew they had?
back home by madmadmilk
summary: they thought it would be a funny prank to bring a celebrity back home with you for your high school reunion, but you never imagined who you could fool; not even yourself.
bed, booze and him by txmhoelland
summary: life as a university student is already hard. sharing a flat with two college guys (one semi-decent, one all-around-annoying) just to get through paying the rent? funnily enough, even harder. it’s halloween plus midterms just ended so that means parties are never-ending and students are getting wasted. you should be out partying but you’re stuck finishing a paper. how are you going to survive the night again?
bff tom has an interesting dream about you by duskholland
breaking the barrier by satellitespidey
summary: the one where tom and y/n break the roommate barrier.
crash course by greenorangevioletgrass
summary: fresh out of a breakup, tom moves in with his childhood best friend. she teaches him a thing or two about moving on.
domino effect by tommyparkerr
summary: “if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you feel nothing between us, then i’ll stop and leave this alone.” 
eyes so drunk by chkchkspidey
head over heels by duskholland
summary: tom’s been head over heels for you for three years. no matter how hard he tries, he’s never able to get the words out. but it’s harrison’s 24th birthday, and tom really can’t keep his feelings a secret any longer. 
home is where the heart is by pastelpeter
summary: “when i look at you, i can feel it. i look at you and i’m home” y/n and tom were very close in their teenage years and in love, but when he was cast as spider-man, they split and moved on. years later they meet again.
how you get the girl by spidey-writes
i love you by t-holland2080
summary: you and tom are childhood friends and reconnect down the road.
just another thursday night by wazzupmrstark
summary: as far as commercial holidays went, valentine’s Day was your least favorite.
just friends?! by tomhollandisabae
summary: a knock on the door leads to a huge change.
just like this by farfromparker
summary: you’re his best friend, and he’s been in love with you for the last 3 years. harrison finally convinces tom to do something about it.
k-i-s-s-i-n-g by cali-holland
summary: your first kiss occurs on the set of spider-man: homecoming.
love, rosie by dahliaspidey
summary: tom and the reader are reunited after years apart.
lovestruck and lipstick stained by waitimcomingtoo
summary: you and tom don’t feel entirely out of characters after playing lovers in the mcu.
more than that by softspideys
summary: looking back on it, you wondered why you thought that you and tom could ever be just friends.
my best friend’s hot by spxderman-s
summary: you’re one of yom’s best friends, but that’s all you’ve ever been. however, when asked about you during a live interview, maybe that’s not entirely true.
my favorite subject by evermoreholland
peach scone by whatevsholland
summary: tom finds himself falling for you the moment you begin as his co-worker, but then finds out about your relationship - and where it is heading - and has to try to keep his feelings out of the equation.
refuge in the storm by starksparker
summary: a horrible storm rips through tom’s apartment leaving the two of you in the dark.
she ain’t you by nothingbutimagines
summary: y/n is tom’s best friend and when he breaks up with his girlfriend, hidden feelings start to surface.
sincerely, by whatevsholland
summary: you and tom were childhood best friends. but when he started dating the girl who got everything you ever wanted, it began a falling out between you and tom. now he’s back home in london, just in time for your sister to host her engagement party.
something there by hilllsnholland
summary: you and tom were just friends. strictly platonic. until there was something there that wasn’t there before.
the proposal by waitimcomingtoo
trust fund baby by peterpparkrr
summary: after getting famous tom dates around in hollywood before realizing that it’s not working out because one of his friends from home still has his heart.
under the mistletoe by softspideys
summary: it might just take a christmas miracle to bring you and tom together.
you and me by sunshinehollandd
summary: you and tom are best friends, and have been forever, you’re both in love with each other, but are too afraid to admit it.
you are in love by starksparker
summary: tom drunk dials you in the middle of the night which leads to a heated discussion the following morning.
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alanjporterart · 26 minutes ago
Love can be yours, for I will be always in your corner fighting for your love cause and protecting your life with a love that is yours, but we believe with our love and life together, we could make a heavenly beautiful garden grow, as you know just like one of your dreams of having a cottage by the sea, being where we both want to be...
More on my Poem Gallery ... 
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sherryewing · 29 minutes ago
First Kiss Friday with Cerise DeLand
First Kiss Friday with Cerise DeLand
I’m so happy you’ve stopped by my website and my First Kiss Friday blog. Today’s guest is my friend and fellow Bluestocking Belle Cerise DeLand. Cerise has an excerpt from Ravishing Camille for your reading pleasure. Enjoy, my lovelies! Excerpt: “How would you kiss a woman you loved?” Oh, yes. She was a fool to ask. But in her curiosity, she knew power. Because he blinked and yet he did not…
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legend-of-a-savior-if · 30 minutes ago
Hey!!! Thanks for that link. I am going to order the starter kit soon.
My favourite kaiju is
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Awesome! Hope you'll be able to get started soon!
Also not a bad choice!! But King Ghidorah top tier
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civilizedancestors · 32 minutes ago
And i think we most fully understood each other when we were in the kitchen and i tried to stab you at the back with my kitchen knife and you hold my hand so tight that it felt like i sabotaged my own heart with it. The most intimate moment i ever had with him was in the kitchen, a place where we had shared the same orange, same food. From romance to murder, we understood what rage and love means to us.
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shinsengumi-archives · 36 minutes ago
Hijikata Toshizo’s arranged marriage to Koto
Hijikata Toshizo had a fiancée in Edo before going to Kyoto. That fiancé's name was Koto. But the engagement was never fulfilled.
Koto, a woman who was supposed to be Hijikata Toshizo's wife
Koto-san was a signboard girl at a shamisen shop in Tozuka Village, which is close to the post-town Naito Shinjuku, and was a beautiful girl with a good reputation in the neighborhood.
Moreover, this Koto-san was not only a beautiful woman, but she was good at tuning instruments, and of course, even plays the shamisen (because she is the daughter of a shamisen shop owner). She enough skill in Nagauta music to be an accredited master.
It was Tamejiro, the eldest son of the Hijikata family, who brought such a perfect lady Koto-san and Toshizo together. Tamejiro was man of culture who loved haiku, and was a regular customer of the shamisen shop. After visiting the store several times, I found out about Koto-san and liked her so much that he came up with the idea of ​​marrying her to his youngest brother, Toshizo.
It is said that Toshizo’s brothers were very excited about the idea, and they were on the verge of the wedding.
However, the two did not actually get married.
Toshizo said to his brothers who were excited.
“I would like to make a name for myself by accomplishing something in the affairs of the world. So leave me free for a while longer.”
The brothers who were interested in Toshizo's ambitions said that if that was the case... Koto-san was only engaged to Toshizo.
Judging from this situation, I think that Toshizo was a little moved by his engagement to Koto-san.
He didn’t say no to it, so if he wasn't interested in Koto-san, this marriage story would have ended.
The reason why Koto-san was made his fiancée despite having to leave her in Edo was because his heart was conflicted between his faint love for Koto-san and his ambitions. Is it not?
The fiancée he left in the past
After that, Toshizo, who went to Kyoto, would spend his days as the fearsome Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi.
Moreover, even after becoming known as the Demon Vice-Commander, his popularity skyrocketed. There were many rumors of affairs with geisha in Kyoto, and some even had children.
He once sent a package full of love letters to his hometown, bragging about how popular he was with the women in Kyoto. It seems that such a Zareuta (comedic waka poem) was attached to the package:
The will to serve my country,
Has left my heart,
Because of women, I guess.
For Toshizo, who spent his busy days in a new world, has the fiancée he left in Edo already become a thing of the past?
After that, Koto-san and Toshizo were able to meet again only once. It was when Toshizo returned to Edo.
However, it was a farewell between the two.
As Toshizo got up to leave again, Koto-san only said to his departing back: "Take good care of your body..."
The love of the shamisen shop's signboard girl ended quietly in this way. After the Meiji Restoration, Koto-san's whereabouts have not been reported at all.
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confession-of-a-drama-queen · 39 minutes ago
I hate people who say, “if you love him, you’ll let him go”
NO. I love him and I’m selfish. I’m gonna fight to keep him. I’m NOT gonna let him go.
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scngbiirds · 41 minutes ago
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 𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐀      𝐀𝐘𝐃𝐈𝐍  .     how    can    i    feel    so    overwhelmed    &    underwhelmed        at       the      same    time    ?
i. character application
(  özge  yağız  ,  26,  cis  female  ,  she  /  her  )  *  hey,  i’m  looking  for  the  office  of  talia  aydin  .  they’re  the  employee  (  translator  )  who’s  known  around  the  office  as  the  rich  kid,  if  that  helps  ?  not  to  be  a  gossip,  but  i’ve  heard  that  they’re  optimistic  but  deceitful,  is  that  true  ?  i  also  heard  that  they’re  the  one  who  still  doesn’t  have  their  driver’s  license.  anyways,  here’s  the  coffee  they  ordered.  (  nina  ,  18+  ,  she/they,  awst  )
 ii. in character introductions .
full name :  talia  aydin 
face claim :  özge  yağız
age : twenty - six
occupation :   translator 
label : the  rich  kid 
iii. in depth .
family .
defne  aydin  nee    ( mother )   --   unemployed .
burak  aydin   ( father ) --   ceo  &  owner  of  aydin  universal .
emre  aydin  (  brother )   --  junior  coo  of  aydin  universal  .
background .  
           if  talia  aydin’s  life  was  a  movie  ,  it  would  go  something  like  this  .  queue  expensive  -  sounding  orchestral  music  !  presented  by  aydin  pictures  ,  directed  by  khan  aydin  ...  FAKE  IT  TILL  YOU  MAKE  IT  !  starring  ,  emre  aydin  ,  with  talia  aydin  !
            sharp  cut  to  the  first  scene  :  a  little  baby  girl  ,  wailing  in  the  arms  of  her  mother  ,  midwives  ,  nurses  ,  doctors  ,  maids  and  family  bussing  about  .  she’s  well  taken  care  of  ,  shes  an  aydin  for  goodness  sake  !  the  wife  of  a  descendant  of  royal  turks  ,  the  mother  of  basically  a  princess  !  a  son  would  have  been  desirable  ,  the  man  to  inherit  the  aydin  fortune  &  all  the  other  good  stuff  !  but  alas  ,  fate  gifted  (  read  :  cursed  )  them  with  a  girl  —  cut  to  a  close  -  up  of  a  grandmother  bejewelled  with  every  gem  that  could  possibly  exist  on  every  possible  external  body  part  ,  lamenting  on  the  specifically  tailored  cashmere  of  a  very  old  man  wearing  a  very  stoic  expression  .  the  father  khan  aydin  tried  his  best  to  conceal  his  grief  and  in  the  end  ,  did  do  better  than  others  .  he  plastered  on  a  happy  smile  ,  kissed  his  wife’s  forehead  and  displayed  an  extraordinary  &  extremely  rare  level  of  affectionate  by  giving  two  gentle  pats  on  the  baby’s  head  —  zoom  in  on  the  pats  (  to  exemplify  they  weren’t  loving  strokes  of  a  grateful  father  but  the  awkward  affection  of  a  disgusted  man  )  .
            fast  forward  to  childhood  :  a  family  of  three  becomes  a  family  of  four  .  finally  blessed  with  a  little  baby  boy  .  they  light  fireworks  &  throw  parties  ,  it’s  a  week  -  long  celebration  for  the  direly  long  -  awaited  arrival  of  their  prince  aydin  .  little  talia  aydin  is  asked  to  wait  in  her  bedroom  ,  she  plays  dolls  with  her  maid  and  worries  what  all  the  fuss  is  about  .  she  meets  her  little  brother  a  weak  earlier  (  her  parents  feared  ,  she  would  do  something  to  ruin  him  —  they  always  said  she  was  a  troublesome  kid  with  the  ability  to  ruin  everything  she  touched  !  )  .  she  had  always  felt  their  detestation  ,  how  they  eagerly  looked  for  ways  to  scold  her  ,  how  their  punishments  were  always  just  a  little  too  harsh  ,  how  that  love  (  that  was  so  fundamental  to  the  growth  of  a  healthy  individual  )  was  so  brutally  nonexistent  .  at  least  she  had  parker  .  (  one  of  )  the  aydin  manors  was  ridiculously  isolated  from  everything  else  --  twenty  -  seven  acre  lands  don’t  really  leave  much  space  for  neigbours  .  but  some  of  the  staff  lived  on  site  .  the  kitchen  hand  ,  eloisa  would  sometimes  be  visited  by  her  son  ,  daniel  parker  .  to  quote  a  question  that  the  great  philosopher  avril  lavigne  once  posed  ,  he  was  a  boy  and  she  was  a  girl  ,  can  i  make  it  anymore  obvious  ?  they  were  eleven  years  old  and  they  were  the  best  of  friends  .  she  had  read  in  many  books  ,  that  friendship  often  provides  a  path  for  romance  later  on  .  and  despite  being  only  eleven  years  of  age  ,  she  knew  that  her  one  great  love  was  the  kitchen  hand’s  boy  .
           adolescence  swings  through  like  a  wrecking  ball  .  it  turns  out  that  her  one  great  love’s  heart  was  captured  by  someone  else  .  she  felt  so  pathetic  ,  the  fool  that  she  was  ,  gave  her  iron  -  clad  heart  to  a  twelve  year  old  boy  with  arms  too  weak  too  carry  it  .  camera  2  zoom  in  on  silver  heart  clasped  in  itty  bitty  hands  !  cut  to  a  close  -  up  of  talia’s  eyes  ,  one  blink  away  from  a  tear  rolling  down  ,  as  she  stares  on  to  the  fields  of  the  manor  where  her  brother  and  parker  laid  ,  finding  pictures  in  the  clouds  ,  feeling  love  in  their  hearts  .  and  for  the  second  time  in  her  life  ,  talia  was  once  again  second  -  place  .  *  jump  -  cut  to  the  seasons  changing  in  the  background  [  snow  falling  ,  leaves  dying  ,  leaves  growing  ]  as  a  tear  gently  rolls  down  talia’s  right  eye  *  it’s  then  she  realises  that  she  will  always  be  second  place  to  her  brother  .  in  everybody’s  eyes  ,  she  is  invisible  ,  unworthy  of  time  and  love  ,  undeserving  of  the  life  of  the  girls  in  the  stories  .  even  in  her  own  life  ,  she’s  nothing  but  a  passer  -  by  ,  a  small  face  in  the  background  ,  an  extra  in  a  movie  .
            adulthood  brings  its  own  storm  .  queue  stormy  scenes  ;  rattling  windows  ,  shadows  of  lightning  in  an  elegant  bedroom  ,  the  boom  of  thunder  echoing  through  empty  hallways  .  jump  cut  to  talia  sitting  at  her  desk  ,  a  candlelight  flickering  in  the  gentle  breeze  of  the  room  ,  toiling  away  at  her  books  ,  eyes  straining  and  turning  red  from  a  computer  screen  too  bright  &  the  lack  of  sleep  .  but  she  works  and  works  and  works  .  if  her  brother  was  going  to  inherit  the  company  &  family  fortune  then  she  will  create  a  success  of  her  own  .  of  course  it  isn’t  enough  .  nothing  is  ever  enough  for  them  .  but  in  the  eyes  of  mr  .  masters  ,  it  was  .  the  only  person  who  ever  saw  her  true  potential  for  greatness  was  the  stranger  she  had  always  been  taught  to  be  wary  of  ,  her  parents’  company’s  greatest  rival  .  but  her  loyalty  lies  with  them  now  .  masters  international  was  where  she  belonged  .
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vyduan · 48 minutes ago
Reckless: Ch 3
Author: vyduan Pairing: Kim Namjoon | Reader, Jeon Jungkook | Reader Genre: angst, idolverse, friends to lovers, slow burn, canon compliant Word Count: 5,642 Rating: Explicit Warnings: Eventual explicit f/m sex, past child abuse (implied)
Notes: suicidal ideation, mention of past domestic/child abuse
Summary: Jungkook knocked and opened the door to your studio in one smooth motion. “Noona, did I leave my — oh my god — noona!”
You were on your knees, gasping. Your father was in front of you, cupping your face frantically. Jungkook could have sworn his hands had been around your throat when he’d come in but that was preposterous. 
Reckless Masterlist [IN PROGRESS]: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | Epilogue
For more of my fics, here is my Masterlist.
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Chapter 3
February 2017
Jungkook knocked and opened the door to your studio in one smooth motion. “Noona, did I leave my — oh my god — noona!”
You were on your knees, gasping. Your father was in front of you, cupping your face frantically. Jungkook could have sworn his hands had been around your throat when he’d come in but that was preposterous.
“Help!” Your father cried in English. He looked panicked and confused. “I think she had an asthma attack and started choking. Do you know where her medicine is?”
Jungkook thought he understood most of it, but wasn’t quite sure. He definitely had no idea what to say back. He should have studied English harder in school. He wondered briefly if this was how you felt all the time.
You were doubled over and coughing. Tears streamed down your face.
“Noona, are you okay?” He made to come closer to you but you extended your arm and waved him off with your hand.
Your father bent down to stroke your hair and you snarled and lunged at him, raining slaps and half-formed punches at his head and shoulders. “Get the fuck away from me!” you yelled.
Jungkook couldn’t believe what he was seeing and rushed in to hold you back by the arms. “Noona, calm down. He’s your father!” It took all his strength to hold onto you. He called for his hyungs to come help and he heard them rush down the hall.
February 2017
Namjoon had heard Jungkook’s call for help and ran. His adrenaline spiked again when he entered your studio and saw Jungkook pinning you back as you struggled against the younger man, kicking out and screaming like a crazy person.
“Don’t ever fucking come near me again, you motherfucker! The next time you touch me I will kill you! I will fucking kill you!” You were hysterical.
Your father had crouched down, shielding his face with his hands. “Please don’t hurt me, Y/N-ah! I love you! I promise not to ask for money anymore. Please don’t be angry at me, bǎobèi! I am just a stupid old man!”
He couldn’t believe his eyes. Namjoon ran to your father, bowing. He said in as soothing a voice as possible, “It’s okay, sir. Please, let me take you somewhere safe.” And then, he took your father to his own studio as you railed obscenities in the background. “Can I get you some water or something? I can call you a taxi?”
Still in shock, Namjoon tried to reconcile the you he had just witnessed and the you he had thought he’d known. Somehow, it didn’t surprise him in the least that you could be so violent. Hadn’t he seen you punch Johnny in the face and lash out at trolls online? In the back of his mind, he worried that your father would sue the company for assault, jeopardizing everything he and his bandmates had worked so hard for.
You were a ticking time bomb. A liability to his company and to yourself.
“I am so embarrassed about my daughter’s behavior, Namjoon-ah,” your father said. He sounded so anguished. “I am afraid I haven’t been the best father to her.”
Namjoon felt incredibly awkward. “Ah, I’m sure you’ve been a great father and tried your best.”
“She’s ashamed of me, you know. That I am not successful. She hasn’t spoken to me in years.” Your father started crying. “I just needed a little help with my business — she’s so successful now — I am so proud of her! I never thought fame would change her so much that she’d treat her own father this way!” He sobbed even harder.
Namjoon thought of his parents and his members’ parents. If any of their families needed money, he wouldn’t hesitate to help. They were like his own family. They had watched him grow up.
“I’m sure noona wouldn’t refuse to help her own father. How much do you need? Perhaps I can help?”
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly. This is so humiliating,” he cried.
“Ah, Mr. L/N, sir —”
“Please, call me Uncle.”
Namjoon cleared his throat. “Uh, Uncle, please. It would be my honor to help.”
“You will think I am such a foolish old man and that Y/N is a terrible daughter — that I raised her with no honor.”
That was exactly what he was thinking but he obviously couldn’t say that. “No, sir. Please. I insist.”
“U.S.?” Namjoon felt faint. “I, uh, wow.”
“Ah, I knew it was too much to ask. Please, forget I said anything.”
Namjoon swallowed. “Uncle, I cannot give you that much, but I can give you some — and maybe the other members can contribute some, too.”
“Oh, that is too much to ask.” Your father sank his face in his hands. “Please don’t tell my daughter. She will be so angry.”
Namjoon had no idea how to proceed. “I can give $20,000 —” Your father’s face made a moue and then curved up to a grateful smile. “ — I suppose I can bump it to $30,000.”
“Thank you so much, Namjoon-ah. I am so grateful — you are so generous. I will pay you back as soon as I’m able.”
“There’s no need to pay me back, Uncle. I’m doing okay for myself.” Namjoon was flustered at your father’s profuse gratitude and tears of happiness. “I’ll make sure to ask the other members and see if they can, too.”
He got your father’s information and promised to send him the funds by the end of the week. He listened as your father told stories about your childhood, how he had coached you in Chinese speech contests and attended all your piano, violin, and voice recitals.
Your father really was so charming and self-deprecating and proud of you. Namjoon couldn’t understand how you could possibly be so rude and awful to your own father. He recalled how you had sworn at your mother. Perhaps it was because you were raised in America?
Namjoon pitied you, making a mental note to discuss with Bang PD about the incident and his worry about your father possibly suing you for assault. You may have two critically acclaimed and high-selling albums, but you were a loose cannon. Maybe Big Hit wasn’t a good fit for you after all.
February 2017
Jungkook was terrified. He held onto you as you lost it, trying to chase after your father as Namjoon escorted him out of your studio. “Noona, please calm down,” he begged. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”
After a few moments, you finally stopped thrashing about. You kept rubbing your throat and it was red and irritated. He noted tiny red flecks in your eyes and dusting your cheeks. You must have strained harder than he’d thought.
“Are you okay, noona?” he asked gently.
Yoongi and Seokjin had accompanied Namjoon into your studio and they hovered near you, clearly worried. Yoongi handed you a bottle of water he found on your desk and you sipped at it slowly.
“What happened?” Yoongi asked.
You sucked in deep breaths. “It’s nothing.” Your voice was hoarse and raspy.
“It didn’t look like nothing,” Seokjin noted.
You were shaking. Clearly, you were still furious and loaded up on adrenaline.
“Did you hurt yourself?” Jungkook asked.
You speared him with a look laced with contempt. “Something like that,” you spat.
You had never spoken to him with such venom before and Jungkook wanted to disappear. He had never been on the receiving end of your temper; you were dreadful.
You refused to speak anymore and after a few more awkward attempts, Jungkook left your studio with Seokjin and Yoongi to go to dance practice. On the way there, they ran into a thunderous looking Namjoon.
“What the fuck was that?” asked Namjoon. “Did she tell you what happened?”
“No,” answered Seokjin. “She refused to say anything and basically kicked us out of her studio after she calmed down.”
“Jungkook, what happened?”
“I — I thought I forgot my jacket in her studio so I knocked and opened the door. Noona was on the floor, choking — and her father was trying to help her. He asked for help but I didn’t really understand what he was saying. Something about medicine?”
Namjoon nodded for him to continue.
“And then, her father tried to help her and she started to scream at him and hit him. That’s when I grabbed her and called for help. She went crazy, hyung.”
“Do you think she’s unwell? Like she had a psychotic break?” asked Namjoon.
“I don’t know, hyung. She said she was going to kill him. She was so mean.”
“Well, she’s never been the nicest person,” observed Namjoon.
Jungkook shook his head mournfully. “She’s always been nice to me.”
Namjoon opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it. “I’ll tell you guys later,” was all he said when pressed.
They all entered the dance room and Jungkook couldn’t concentrate at first, getting chewed out a few times for not paying attention. He finally got his shit together after he got his head in the game. He was a professional after all. He could worry about you later. Right now, he had a job to do.
April 2017
Jungkook was bored. He was stuck in a Hawaiian bar where he couldn’t drink alcohol because he wasn’t of age in America and he was tired from filming their latest Bon Voyage series. They had just finished and all they had left to film were scenes to the airport the next day.
You looked just as bored on the edge of the table, body positioned away from him and the rest of his members. You’d been in Hawaii for a friend’s wedding and management had thought it would double nicely as a photoshoot for a summer package. They’d booked you at the same resort as his group to take advantage of group rates and there you were, barely attempting to make nice with Namjoon and the older members.
Ever since your dad’s visit, things between you and Namjoon had been especially tense. At least they’d been traveling on tour for most of it so it wasn’t too awful. It had been so hard for Jungkook. He loved Namjoon — he was his leader after all — but he also loved you. He knew he was stupid for harboring his one-sided crush for so long, but he couldn’t help it. There was just something about you.
The other members couldn’t see it. He could tell they often held back what they really thought of you around him. But Jungkook wasn’t stupid. He knew you were a bitch. But also, he got the feeling that buried underneath all your anger was a soft heart, capable of great compassion and kindness. Not that he saw it much anymore. He held onto hope that whatever it was you were going through, that it would pass soon.
Jungkook tried to take you in without being too obvious, but you weren’t paying him any attention anyway. You never paid him any attention anymore and it hurt.
You were so hot in such a terrifying way.
You had filled your left arm with an intricate tattoo of a traditional Chinese calligraphy painting of mountains, water, and trees and you’d shaved the sides of your head close, the rest of your hair styled in a short, spiky blue mohawk ending in a mullet. You wore an ensemble Hoseok had deemed “lesbian bait” as soon as he’d laid eyes on you — much to your amusement. You had said it was exactly the vibe you were going for and had immediately headed to the bar for a drink.
A beautiful woman slid into a chair at the neighboring table and leaned over to ask you a question. You laughed kindly, your eyes warm and your cheeks slightly flushed from the heat and the drinks. “Ah,” he heard you say, “I’m sorry. I’m strictly dickly. But I am flattered.”
The woman made some other comment and you sucked in a breath and then downed your drink. “I guess it doesn’t hurt to double check,” you said and then bade him and his members good night. You got up and followed the woman out the bar.
“I thought she was seeing Dean hyung?” Jungkook commented.
Namjoon shrugged. “Don’t look at me. Dean hyung doesn’t tell me everything. We’re not that close.”
“Mind your business, Kookie,” Jimin said as he got up with Taehyung and headed to the dance floor.
Jungkook watched as Yoongi picked up a muscular Asian man and Jimin snagged two women. He supposed he, too, should take advantage of the looser restrictions in the states. He finished his drink and joined the crush of attractive bodies to find himself a body to warm.
Approximately twenty-four hours later, Jungkook, you, and his members were being escorted through the Incheon airport after a nine hour flight. His head was still muzzy and he was trying to shift his heavy backpack into a more comfortable position. A masked woman suddenly sped up to him with her phone held out, calling his name to get his attention. You stepped in between him and the overzealous fan to block the shot and the sasaeng went ballistic, cussing you out. One of the bodyguards was making his way over to the woman when she suddenly shoved you roughly to the side and in her haste to bring up her camera, she knocked you in the mouth with her elbow. That movement unbalanced you enough that you tripped and fell to the ground.
Jungkook rushed to your side as his bodyguard tried to prevent the sasaeng from getting closer. Your lip was bleeding and you actually spat blood onto the ground. He heard you exhale a hard pant and watched as you wiped your mouth on the back of your UCLA hoodie. He saw in your eyes the instant you’d decided your course of action. You lunged towards the sasaeng, yelling “you motherfucking cunt” and ready to brawl. Luckily, Jungkook had faster reflexes and caught you over his shoulder mid-pounce and hauled you away as your legs and arms flailed in the air.
You were not going to be charged with assault today. Not on his watch.
The ensuing videos went viral.
He had inadvertently gone up in public opinion — and his fans had swooned over how easily he’d scooped you up. They sighed over how much they wanted to be his noona and most applauded your vigorous defense of him though they conceded you had perhaps some questionable impulse control. As for your reputation, your bad girl and rebellious cachet only increased with detractors calling you a barbarian — no better than a wild animal. Of course, rumors swirled wondering if you and Jungkook were an item.
Namjoon just sighed at Jungkook’s involvement but Jungkook couldn’t bring himself to regret it. He had liked the feel of you slung over his shoulders.
“‘Anatomy of a Heart’ (Big Hit Entertainment, 2017), the latest album from Y/N L/N and her first full album in Korea is overwhelming. As expected, L/N’s lyricism and storytelling are superlative. L/N is also a surprisingly excellent rapper — her flow and delivery at times sharp and brash and others, dark and menacing. Unfortunately, for an album ostensibly discussing the anatomy of the heart, there is surprisingly little heart present. An artistic choice to be sure, this reviewer cannot help but wish there were more moments of joy.” - The Hankyoreh, July 2017
“Cynical. Cruel. Callous.” - The Korea Herald, July 2017
[1] Intro: Palpitations [2:46] [2] Quick [3:48] [3] Confessions of a Hidden Romantic [3:12] [4] The Heart Is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist [3:46] [5] Expanding Unto the Infinite [4:29] [6] Interlude: Atrium Sanctus [2:28] [7] Of Glass, Of Stone [4:21] [8] Swipe Left [2:39] [9] Squeeze [4:02] [10] Outro: Code Blue [4:44] - Track list, “Anatomy of a Heart” (Big Hit Entertainment, 2017)
The heart is a muscle the size of your fist My mouth is a weapon in the guise of a kiss You used your words like fists and your fists like a whip Joke’s on you; I will never submit - “The Heart is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist” (Big Hit Entertainment, 2017)
July 2017
Namjoon had to give it to you: you were a solid rapper and your beats were also innovative. He had heard from the producers that you had used your violin and viola to create many of the sound effects from scratch. He still recalled hearing your initial forays into rap and wincing at your delivery and flow. Granted, he didn’t know if you wrote your own verses or came up with the rhyme schemes yourself, but he highly suspected you did.
You were many things, but you had never shunned hard work. Every time he caught glimpse of you, you had your nose buried in a book or were tearing apart a piece of music or lyric. Your Korean vocabulary and ability had expanded and sometimes, he forgot that you were foreign.
Of course, then you had to go attack a sasaeng and he would remember right quick.
Though your latest album was respectable and well-crafted, Namjoon had to agree with the critics. It felt cold and distant for a work revolving around the concept of a heart. Or perhaps the lack of heart was a purposeful commentary in itself. Whatever the reason, your album made him feel uncomfortable and angry and he did not particularly care for it.
It still did great numbers though, so what did he know?
September 2017
“Noona, I can’t believe the company let you buy a motorcycle,” said Jungkook enviously as he admired your new BMW G 310 R. “You got red, too!”
“Yeah, I’ve been taking racing lessons,” you said. At Namjoon’s disapproving face, you added, “But obviously, this isn’t a racing bike.”
You watched as the younger members took turns sitting on the bike and snapping pics for each other. You had purchased the bike as a reward for your latest album selling well but every now and then, an idle thought would flash and you would yearn to round a corner a little too quickly on a rainy day and be wiped away clean. You did not dwell on such things, but you did up your life insurance and changed your account beneficiaries to your younger brother.
There was something wrong with you but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. You felt as if you were underwater all the time. Everything felt distorted, either too close or too near, too muffled or too loud.
It didn’t help that Namjoon was obviously pissed at you — for what reason, you could not imagine. Everyone else had moved on from the incident with your father and hadn’t mentioned it again. Things had only recently started easing between you and the older members and you still couldn’t believe you had lost your temper as badly as you did. You supposed your father throttling you had something to do with it, but it still made you too incoherent with rage to think about so you actively avoided it.
“Are you ready for your concerts, noona?” Hoseok asked as the eight of you headed back up to your studios.
“Yeah. They had to change some of the choreography because I couldn’t rap and dance simultaneously,” you laughed. “My body and brain just couldn’t hold all the different rhythms and patterns together at the same time. It was spectacularly bad.”
Hoseok hummed sympathetically. “It can be difficult, but I’m sure you’ll get it.”
“It’s nice of you to pretend you can relate, Hobi.”
He just grinned good-naturedly back.
“Hopefully we’ll get a chance to watch you in concert, noona,” Taehyung said. “I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you live.”
“Ah, I’m not that great, honestly. Your concerts are way more exciting,” you said. “I don’t have a lot of choreographed sets and mostly play with the band.”
“That’s cool in its own right,” comforted Jimin. “We have different talents.”
“Where are you touring again?” asked Jungkook.
“I have two shows in Seoul, two in Tokyo, two in Hong Kong, and two in Taipei. We’re working on two in LA and two in New York. We’ll see.”
“That should be fun,” Seokin commented. “Are you going to see your family?”
You froze. Hong Kong was right next to Shenzhen so you technically could see your father — but Seokjin likely didn’t mean that. They’d never brought him up again after you’d made it clear you refused to talk about it. Bang PD had called you in his office but when you’d said it was personal and wouldn’t affect your work, he had just sighed and let it go with a warning for it not to bleed over to your labelmates.
“Oh, I will probably swing by Kaohsiung for a day to see my aunts and cousins after Taipei. If the U.S. shows happen, I may swing by the Bay Area either before LA or on my way back from New York. If Mattie has time, maybe he can take the train up from school and see me in New York.”
Your anxiety spiked at all this talk of your family and all of a sudden, you couldn’t breathe. A familiar vise tightened across your chest and you burst into a cold sweat, your vision swimming. Your heart raced and your hands tingled. You felt as if you were outside of your own body watching yourself go through the motions of walking and being human.
Thankfully, with that many members in the group, BTS didn’t really need you to hold up any conversation and they chatted amongst themselves all the way up while you tried to take deep breaths subtly and stay outwardly calm while wedged in the corner of the elevator. You’d had plenty of practice over the past few months doing so — but the panic attacks were getting worse and more frequent. That fact alone started a whole new wave of panic crashing through you.
When they invited you to join them for a snack, you declined abruptly.
You missed their disappointed and resigned expressions; you were too focused on making it to the privacy of your studio without freaking out in front of them.
You locked the door and sank to the floor, head tucked between your fisted hands and knees. 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, you counted and continued to count, eyes screwed shut, desperately trying to force your worthless mind into submission. You lost count and still the edges of panic clawed at your brain. You huddled against your door and repeatedly murmured “I am safe and secure. I am anchored like the roots of a tree” until your breathing eased.
You wiped away the tears that had tracked down your face and lay down on the floor, exhausted.
December 2017
“Noona, please let me drive it!” exclaimed Jungkook at your new Porsche 911. “I promise I will treat it well.”
“Can you drive a stick shift?” you asked, a smile in your voice. At his dejected expression, you sighed. “Alright, Kook. I’ll teach you. But I’m going to make you pay for the servicing if you fuck my gears up.”
“I know how to drive stick,” Yoongi piped up. “Can I take it for a spin?”
“Same,” said Seokjin.
“You literally have a Porsche Panamera Turbo, oppa.”
“So? Doesn’t mean I don’t want to drive your 911,” he said with a wink.
You dug your keys out of your purse and threw them at Seokjin. “Have at it then.”
The oldest two members cheered and decided they would take turns driving another member or two. The maknaes were busy playing rock, paper, scissors to determine who had to sit in the cramped back seat. You noted Namjoon’s scowling face and wondered what his problem was. Maybe he was just upset he didn’t have a license or something.
Who knew with Namjoon, really. He was always annoyed with you.
“I never took you for a flashy sports car type, noona,” Namjoon said, an edge to his voice.
“We all have your vices,” you said, determined to stay calm. “You buy ugly figures and clothes, I buy things that go vroom.” Welp, there went that resolve.
Namjoon exhaled a noise of disgust. “At least I do that after I take care of my family first.”
“What?” you asked, voice low and dangerous. The silence from the other men was stifling.
“Namjoon,” Yoongi said, a warning in his voice.
The younger man glared at his hyung and pursed his lips. You had never seen Namjoon this furious. You supposed maybe you did push his buttons a little too hard.
“Forget it,” Namjoon said and his members seemed to let go of their collective breaths.
You were always too stubborn for your own good. “No. Finish what you started, Namjoon. Enlighten me as to why you think I don’t take care of my own.”
He glanced around the parking structure and at his bandmates and then said, “Let’s not fight in public.”
December 2017
Namjoon turned and went back to the elevators, his body thrumming and pulsing. You and the rest of the guys followed close behind. The entire trip to his studio, his wrath, frustration, and sense of righteousness churned until he felt as if he would explode.
The door closed to his studio. You leaned against the door, arms crossed. “Alright, Namjoon,” you said. “Now let’s fight in private.”
“Shit,” he heard several of the members mutter.
Namjoon just clenched his jaw, the pulse in his cheek betraying his controlled fury. “I just find it interesting that you bought a 112 million won car instead of helping your family.”
“What do you know of my family and what help they need?” you growled.
“Your father said — ”
“My father is a liar and a cheat. If your righteous indignation is based on anything he said, then your data set is corrupted.”
“I know you’re mad at your dad, but you needn’t slander his name,” said Namjoon, doggedly pursuing his point. “It shouldn’t matter that you don’t get along. Your father needed help with his business and you just left him to flounder.”
“You know nothing about me or my father,” you spat.
“Well, who’s fault is that?” Namjoon persisted.
You pushed off the wall, hands balled in tight fists. “It’s certainly not mine because it’s none of your fucking business!”
“It is now that we’ve all given your father money —”
“WHAT?!?” You slammed your hands over your mouth, your face horrified. “What?” you repeated in a whisper.
Seokjin held his hand out to forestall whatever Namjoon had been about to say. “Your father asked us not to tell you, and we didn’t want you to feel embarrassed, Y/N. He told Namjoon he needed 225 million won —”
“HE WHAT?!?” You looked like you were going to throw up.
“— and that you refused to give him any money. We thought it was because you didn’t have it —”
“No,” you gasped. “Nonononononononono!” you wailed. You collapsed onto Namjoon’s couch.
“You were so angry that night, your father didn’t want to upset you,” added Yoongi gently. “He didn’t want to cause us any trouble.”
“How much? How much did you give him? Please tell me you didn’t give him the full amount,” you begged.
Namjoon started to feel a little bad at causing you this much distress — but really, you should feel a tiny bit guilty for not helping your father when you clearly could have.
“We each gave him about 32 million won,” Namjoon said. He tried not to feel smug but he knew it came out in his response.
You sagged against his sofa, breaths coming in shallow and fast. “Oh my god,” you choked. “There’s no way I can pay you back this much right away. It will take me a few months to liquidate assets and move things around,” you said. “Unless you want stock or property in kind,” you appended awkwardly.
“It was a gift, noona,” Jungkook said. “You don’t have to pay us back.”
“Are you fucking kidding me, Jungkook?” you snapped. “Of course I have to pay you back. My father is a con artist.” Your voice started to rise sharply. “He does this every time — racks up debt with shady business practices and then flees the scene or gets someone else to clean up after him.”
Namjoon’s earlier confidence started to fade. “What? I’m sure it’s not as awful as you’re making it, noona. Business requires a lot of capital and lenders.”
You looked as if you wanted to rip his face off. He gulped and put more distance between the two of you.
“I suppose you know all about my father, don’t you, Namjoon? How clever and charming and funny he is,” you hissed. “Of course you don’t believe me. I’ve only been his daughter my entire life.”
“I —” he sputtered.
“Did you know that I had just finished paying off his debts from his Taiwanese creditors? That was also several hundred million won, by the way.”
“Oh.” Namjoon felt like an asshole. He looked around at his bandmates and they all seemed similarly abashed.
You clearly were just getting started. “I am also paying around 68 million won a year for my brother’s college tuition as well as paying off the additional mortgages my father took out on my parents’ house. Would you like an itemized list of that payment?” you asked rhetorically. “I think it’s about half a million won a month. But tell me, Namjoon. Tell me how I should take care of my family.”
“I — I didn’t know,” Namjoon said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“You’re sorry. You didn’t realize.” Your voice dripped with scorn.
You were just being cruel now. He obviously felt bad — and had just apologized — why were you being so ungracious about it?
“After all, he’s never hit you. He’s never tried to smother you. He’s never held a butcher knife to your throat or tried to beat you to death with a wooden post.” Your voice was a tightly controlled whip. “So, of course, I’m the ungrateful daughter. I’m the dishonorable one. Is that the narrative he sold you, Namjoon?”
“Yes,” he whispered. Namjoon’s body coursed with shame.
“Did he really do all those things to you, noona?” Jungkook asked quietly.
“No,” you said. “Some of it was to my mother.”
“Fuck,” he heard his members curse, echoing his own tumultuous thoughts.
“What really happened that night at your studio?” asked Taehyung.
Your breath hitched. “I — he —” You took a deep breath, held a few counts, and then let it go. “He asked me for money and I said, ‘No.’”
Jungkook’s head popped up. “Noona, did he — did he hurt you that night?”
You looked away. “Yes.”
“I thought — when I came back into the room, I thought I saw your father with his hands around your neck — but it was so fast because next thing I knew, he was shouting ‘Help!’ in English and was checking on you so I thought I was seeing things.” Jungkook paused. “He was strangling you, wasn’t he?”
You nodded and stared at your hands. You refused to look at any of Namjoon’s fellow members. Namjoon felt horrible.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” asked Seokjin, his face anguished.
“No one ever believes me,” you said softly. “Not after they meet him.”
Namjoon wanted to cry.
“No one?” Jimin asked.
“They always think it’s a one time thing or an Asian thing. After all, what Asian kid hasn’t been hit by their parents?”
Namjoon saw Yoongi nod silently in agreement.
“They always say it’s a one time loss of temper or accident.” You wrung your hands. “My mother would make me apologize for making my father angry enough to beat me.” You laughed ruefully. “I think once I had to apologize for making my father hurt his hand because he hit me so hard.” You hiccuped a sad sound and your face crumpled as you blinked back tears.
“Oh, noona,” cried Jimin as he wrapped himself around you.
You stiffened in his embrace but tried to relax when you noted his distress. You stiffened once again when the more physically demonstrative members piled on you with more hugs. You refused to look at Namjoon and Namjoon despised himself.
“I’m so sorry, noona,” Namjoon started to say but you cut him off with a curt “It’s fine” and attempted to stand, scattering the guys who had been hugging you.
“I’m sorry my father took advantage of your kindness. Thank you for being willing to help,” you said politely. “I will try to pay you all back as quickly as possible.”
When he and his bandmates protested, you glared at them, your features hard. “I will pay you back and you will allow it,” you gritted out. “If your own father did this, would you not want to make it right? Would you not be overwhelmed with shame until you could make your friends whole?”
They reluctantly assented and you seemed satisfied. You thanked them and after being forced to hug them all again, you left.
Though you had reverted back to polite speech and acted as if everything were back to normal, Namjoon could not help but feel as if he’d irrevocably smashed something fragile and precious. He felt the ponderous weight of regret.
Notes: I know I've been updating really quickly, but the next chapter maybe at least a week's time. I'm super super behind on a ton of work. (I really only have myself to blame.) So this will likely be the last update for at least a week or two. Thank you for your patience and reading!
Notes: If you are being hurt or abused, you're not alone. Get help at: 
National Domestic Violence Hotline Advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages. All calls are free and confidential.
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