in internet posts it is easy to cut them out of your life. they are hurting you! they aren't listening to you!
they held your hair back. they lent you lipstick. they held your hand at the train station and got you home safe. they rounded on your bully, got loud, said get fucked, spitting-mad in your defense.
they also cut the hair off again. told you that you should really think twice before wearing something like that. took you for granted. took your insecurities and threw them in your face again.
you know logically it should be easy. all the internet advice comments always read it will feel better. like an equation - if a person is rotten, you just remove them. you pull the tooth that's hurting.
but it was never a big flare-up moment. you don't live in a sitcom. they never tried to take your boyfriend or steal from your apartment. they showed up to birthdays and they wrote songs about you and bring you water without you asking. once you found out they carry an emergency inhaler for you, even though you haven't had an asthma attack in years - just in case.
where is the line? people fuck up. sometimes they fuck up badly. sometimes people have raw personalities, like a powerline, and being around them is dangerous. addicting. sometimes they can't help themselves, but you know they're trying. sometimes they are just rough-around-the-edges. sometimes they don't even realize how they sounded when they said that. sometimes it's just - you've both loved each other for so long now, the way this thing hurts goes back to the root.
and that's the fucked up part. you have pushed your fingers against the sweetheart of memory. things these days are electric, tense, harrowing. they didn't used to be. there were a lot of good days in there. sometimes you want to just close your eyes and say can this be over yet? do we still need to be fighting?
doing that would give up any chance you get of getting an apology, but you don't always know that you need an apology, you love them. once they flaked on your birthday party. once they told you to get over it, people are always dying. they also let you crash on their couch for a week after the breakup, handfeeding you when you were so sad you couldn't eat. they are also judgmental about everything, occasionally react to banal statements with an attitude that is weird and fiery. they also love you like a lighthouse sometimes, so strong they cut the storm like lightning.
but the problem is that you might be storm. you might be the thing that needs breaking. what if you are two forces who are desperately, horribly drawn to each other, shaped by the other person's passions, and both good for each other and bad in equal measure.
what if you're both just people, and you're no saint neither.
just cut them off! swallowing the saltwater, you catch yourself in the mirror. you've been shaking more than usual. there's an ache in you that is oblique, loud, impossible to soothe. is this what it looks like? when life is "easier"?
your mouth will always have a hole, is the thing, if you remove the tooth.
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something i noticed is that whenever crowley and aziraphale do have physical touch it’s always ( ? ) aziraphale initiating it . it’s aziraphale who occasionally puts his hand on crowley’s chest , arm , back , whatever to guide him . it’s aziraphale resting his hand on crowley’s arm to tell him something . it’s aziraphale took crowley’s hand to dance , something crowley would have never done otherwise . but the kiss . that is the first time crowley has been the one to initiate physical contact . the first time . and as far as he knows , the last .
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I don't know about anyone else but, Aziraphale being "chubby/soft/not thin" is a real self-esteem booster.
As someone else who is also "chubby/soft/not thin" I really love reading everyone's fanfic about how Aziraphale feels that someone like Crowley wouldn't even look at him. Which is something I thought constantly when I had a crush on someone.
Then getting to read how Crowley thinks Aziraphale is the most beautiful creature he's ever seen. And he loves all the things Aziraphale hates about himself. His softness, his belly, his upturned nose, his weight, ect.
Micheal Sheen/Aziraphale is truly beautiful inside and out. Now anytime I feel unworthy of love due to my weight/looks, I just think about Aziraphale. 💛💛💛
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I just realized Aziraphale and Crowley are the art and science gays trope. Aziraphale likes reading, theater, writing and drawing while Crowley likes gardening, animals, and astronomy (dude literally made the universe and helped come up with gravity.)
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things i headcanon Crowley invented:
only one sock disappearing in the washer/dryer. you know the one
youtube ads
gum on shoes
that one wobbly wheel on every shopping cart
you know when you're in traffic and one lane is going faster than the one you're in, so you switch to that one, but now this one's going slower than the other? that. it's one he often regrets.
back when wired earbuds were a thing - only one of them going bad
Nessie - an accident. he went swimming in his snake form once and someone took a blurry picture
unsynced audio or subtitles on media
pineapple on pizza - he did it to piss of Aziraphale
instagram poetry
pens/markers than run out of ink by the 3rd day (i'm looking at you Sharpies)
airplane food
the very common phenomenon when you forget your old password, go to reset it, and then get told your "new password can't be the same as your old password"
long red light/short green light
shower knobs that can't ever get the right temperature, it's either 3rd degree burns or hypothermia
crocs
feel free to add your ownnn
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