#ltleramblings

[ltleflrt]

Caelnir, Astarion, and Kestrel from my fic The Sun, The Moon, and The Night art by @velnna

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH 🥰🥰🥰

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #bg3 tav #male tav #caelnir tav #kestrel tav #tavstarion #astarion x tav #ltleramblings #oops i ficced

[fuck-yeah-astarion]

#ltleramblings #bg3 #astarion #jaheira

[ltleflrt]

Figuring out I'm on the ace spectrum was so difficult because I have always been a horny bitch. I knew what sex was at a fairly young age, because I'd asked my mom and she's one of those good parents who'll answer questions like those, and as I grew older and would ask more complex questions, her answers would evolve along with my curiosity and understanding of the world. And I remember having fantasies as young as 9 or 10 years old, even if they were hella vague and nothing close to what sex actually is lol

So as I became a teenager, and all my friends' focus turned from playing with dolls to flirting with boys, I automatically thought I was attracted to boys. And I paid more attention to Cute Boys than I did to Cute Girls, because girls were just nice to look at while boys were People To Have Crushes On. Because of heteronormativity. Looking back on it now, I know there were girls I liked to stare at just as intently as boys, although less often because I wasn't trying to pay attention. And I certainly didn't fantasize about girls because I started reading romance novels in 5th grade, so I was fantasizing about male romantic partners because that was the fiction I was consuming. I didn't even realize fantasizing about girls was possible until I was 17, and I had a few "am I a lesbian" internal crises for years because of it.

So when I did start having sex, I had A LOT OF IT with SO MANY different guys, and eventually a couple of women once I started accepting that bisexuality was real. But it was never really fulfilling. Not like my fantasies were. Not like my books were. I was slutty because sex was fun, I was horny, there were plenty of options so I kept searching for that satisfaction I was craving.

Getting married was a relief (even though it turns out I'm aro-spec too lol) because I was tired of hunting, and even if sex with my husband was meh, at least I had someone around to scratch that itch if I had it, and he didn't mind if I occasionally took care of things on my own because I'd read an especially hot scene in a romance.

I learned about asexuality in my early 20s, but I brushed it off. Couldn't be me, I'm far too horny for that. But I think that comes from the fact that everything you hear about Aces is attached to sex-repulsion or sex-indifference. I wasn't either of those things. I was horny all the dang time. I was fantasizing about sex all the dang time. I figured actual sex was meh because my imagination was so vivid that real life could never match up. Which could be true to an extent, but I think not as much as popular opinion would have us believe. If fantasy was really that much better for everyone, then I think we'd have less incels and unplanned pregnancies than we do.

In my 30s I finally saw people talking about The Spectrum, and I started examining my past, and I figured out I wasn't really attracted to anyone I had sex with. I do occasionally find someone attractive; there are men and women and enbies who make my skin feel tight and give me a little wave of lightheadedness lol... but it's always always the fantasy that gets me really going. If given the opportunity I wouldn't have sex with any of those people. Thank you, but no thank you, I'd rather just imagine it than physically participate in the act with them.

(Ok I might go down on them, but that's less about wanting sex, and more about being able to add them to my Tally. Hell yeah I want to brag about making *insert hot person* have an orgasm. There's PRIDE in that kind of accomplishment lol)

I have a lot of respect for aces that are not horny. I understand it even if I don't share the sentiment. And I feel like most of them understand me even if they don't share the sentiment. There's a solidarity between us.

Until I go into a fandom tag for a character that the aces have glommed onto because they're canonically ace or headcanoned as ace. Good lord, the non-horny aces can turn into downright vicious bastards if a horny ace sexualizes their blorbo.

This post is for them.

Horny aces exist. Please look up "autochorissexual, lithosexual, and aegosexual."

Refer to those definitions in regards to romantic attraction as well as sexual attraction.

Some aces may not fall into one of those definitions, because asexuality is a spectrum, but they may still be horny.

Horny aces are not disrespecting you by enjoying being horny on main. We promise we'll wash the stickiness off our hands before we hold your hands in queer solidarity.

And most importantly: Your blorbo is fictional and does not need to be defended from icky sexuality. They exist in an infinite multiverse, so your blorbo and my blorbo are not the same, even if they appear to be on the surface.

AND:

This post is also for the people who are confused about themselves because they're horny but don't actually feel attraction. You're not crazy, you're not wishy washy, you're not "waiting for the right person to come along" (unless you are, in which case I hope you find them). You're just a thin strip of color on a massive rainbow that holds more unique shades than anyone can perceive at a glance.

You're valid. You're one of us too.

And don't be mean to the non-horny aces. Tag your smut so they can avoid it. (But actually so I can find it lol)

#ltleramblings #queer stuff #seriously the fandom fights are so exhausting #thank goodness for the block button #asexuality

[ltleflrt]

The thing about Anders, the thing is, like, he’s so funny right?  Snarky, flirty, and you’re never really sure if that threat to toss a fireball at your ass is serious or not, but you’re pretty sure it’s not, because Anders is a nice guy.  A fun guy.  He loves cats!  He participates in random orgies in brothels, and he uses his magic to create tingly fun times! 

And underneath that is a man who was so traumatized by being taken from his family and locked in the Circle that he wouldn’t speak.  No one knows his real name, because he would never tell anyone and he only answers to a nickname that probably wasn’t intended to be kind.  He runs and gets caught and runs and gets caught again.  He spends a year in solitary confinement, and it didn’t break him because he runs again.  He’s terrified all the time.  He opens himself to possession.  He’s claustrophobic.  He’s angry.  He’s done running.  He’s making a stand.  The world will see what oppressing mages has wrought.

Gods, I fucking love him.

#ltleramblings #anders #dragon age #AND INQUISITION DID HIM DIRTY

[ltleflrt]

My husband looks over at my computer while Astarion is monologuing about something while splattered with so much blood, and my hubs is like "I'll bet he curls up like a cat and cleans all that blood off with his tongue" and I'm like "babes, you cannot give me ideas like that" and he's like "you're welcome" and this is why we're married.

#ltleramblings #playing bg3 #bg3 #astarion #fic idea

[ltleflrt]

This whole backlash against printing fics irks the fuck out of me, and I got some shit to say about it. Mostly "Fuck You" but here's some nuance:

On the surface, I understand where the naysayers are coming from. It's a legitimate fear that making a profit from fanworks will bring down the C&D Hammer on fandom. I get that. Do not put on the One Ring, or you'll risk the Eye of Sauron.

But here's the thing. Fuck capitalism. Fuck digital only. We're living in the digital dark ages, and 100 years from now huge swathes of our history, fact and fiction, will be lost to our descendants because there will be no physical copies of our lives for them to find in old libraries and boxes in the attic, etc.

Creators deserve physical copies of their creations, and so do the other people in the world who love them.

I don't want to profit from letting people print my fics. That's why I use Lulu, since they have an option to set zero profit and make the links hidden so only fans in the know can get a copy. Other printing sites I've looked at in the past don't have those options. In fact, the first time I ever even thought about printing one of my stories was when I won NaNo for the first time and one of the prizes was a coupon for 3 free printings of your story. HELL YEAH, that's a copy for me, a copy for my beta, and a copy for the artist who made the cover for me. Perfect! But I ended up not using that coupon, because the site required I set a profit margin, and did not have an option to make it private. Ummm, no thanks. Not worth the risk. And even though the profit margin could be set as low as ten cents, I did not want to make ANY money from my fic, because I know that would be breaking Fair Use rules. I found Lulu instead, and decided to let other people get copies too, because I'm nice. And if I don't, it's not like I can stop them from doing it themselves, no matter how much I'd rather they not do that.

But that's not good enough for the Reporting Trolls. Their argument is that it's not possible for it to be completely profit free, since Lulu makes a profit on the printing costs and the shipping carriers make a profit off the shipping costs. Someone is making a profit, and that's unacceptable, even if that someone is not Me, The Person Who Made The Printing and Shipping Worth Paying For.

I would like anyone who thinks that to delete your accounts where you read fanfiction. AO3, Wattpad, FFNet, LJ, Dreamwidth, hell even Tumblr for the short ficlet stuff that only gets posted here. Because even if the website it self isn't profiting, (AO3 for example), the companies that sold them their server hardware made a profit. Since utilities are privatized, the electric company that runs those servers are making a profit. IF YOU PRINT IT ON YOUR PRINTER AND PUT IT IN A 3 RING BINDER, the paper, printer, and ink manufacturers made a profit from your dinky little print out. The companies that build all the parts for your computer or your smartphone made a profit on your portal to the internet, who profits from your monthly subscription, just like your electric company profits from the power it takes to run your pc or charge your phone battery. IT'S A SLIPPERY FUCKING SLOPE, AND YOU NEED TO LEARN WHEN TO BACK AWAY FROM THE LEDGE.

We live in a Capitalist Hellscape, and if a company could figure out how to charge you to breathe and for every single beat of your heart, they'd fucking do it. So get off your goddamn high horses with this "wELL SoMEonE iS makINg PrOFit" bullshit. Or if you truly believe that, shut off every account you own, turn off your utilities, and go live in the woods and make up your own goddamn stories, which you can only share orally to the local wildlife. They give kudos by biting you and giving you rabies.

(not to mention; these assholes don't go after fanartists who are ABSOLUTELY making a profit off their work. but noooo, Flirty can't format a fic for print and allow other people to pay for the printing service and shipping, while never seeing a penny of that herself, despite all of the GODDAMN WORK I HAVE PUT INTO IT, WRITING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE INCLUDED FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucky--)

#ltleramblings #printed fic

[ltleflrt]

Y'know, just in case.

#ltleramblings

[ltleflrt]

My trekkie husband just said "Pikachu, his face shocked" and I want to marry him again.

#ltleramblings #memes within memes get me hot ok

[ltleflrt]

At the airport for my Philippines trip. Massive storm coming in is making my anxiety worse, yay.

#ltleramblings

[ltleflrt]

Everyone is always "tag the kinks!" this and "tag the triggers!" and I'm just over here begging people to tag their kidfic and their oc genders because I'm the real fandom weirdo I guess.

#ltleramblings

[ltleflrt]

I feel like I'm not allowed to complain about lack of engagement on my fics, because I have one that is creeping up on 10k kudos, so I don't deserve to feel sad. I stood in the spotlight for years, so what's my problem?

Well, my problem is that I'm still insecure about my ideas because I'm a people, and people want other people to care.

I figured when I switched fandoms my interactions would go down, but not this much. I got a surprising amount of attention in the Dragon Age fandom back in the day when I wrote my first fic, and going back to it now is a weird feeling because it's so quiet. But it's an older fandom, and I'm writing fenhanders which isn't one of the Big Ships, so I figured that's the reason, and I've been mostly cool with it.

Then I started writing BG3 fic with Tav/Astarion, which is a really busy and growing fandom right now, on top of Astarion being an incredibly popular love interest, so I figured I'd get more interaction. Not Destiel levels, never Destiel levels, but more than 1 comment per chapter maybe. Nope. I'm lucky if I get 2 comments per chapter. But again, I figure it's because I'm writing a poly fic that includes 2 brothers so it's probably a squick for a lot of people even if it's not incest. And on top of that it's male Tavs, which seems to be less popular.

I must be writing things no one wants to read now, and I suppose that's fine, even if it bums me out. But I still feel like I shouldn't even be posting this, because I don't deserve to be bummed out after the success I used to have.

The thing is though....even in the Destiel fandom, I could sense things slowing down. And I figured oh it's just a matter of the fandom slowing down because the show has ended. But then I get my kudos email every day and I see how many people are still reading my fics, especially that last omegaverse fic, and I'm like... why crickets? Why so quiet?

But at least I know people are still reading those fics. Thank goodness for the daily Kudos email. I sure wish my new DA and BG3 stuff was showing up on there with more frequency tho.

Anyway, all this is to say that the only reason I bother to write at all is because of the audience of 1 I've cultivated for both of my current WIPs, and the writing goes slow because it's easier to just talk to them about my ideas than actually write the next chapter. Also, if no one else is going to read it, I'm going to lean into the incest in the non-incest poly fic, because if I'm writing it for myself and for the one friend who I know doesn't mind the problematic stuff, then I'm going to mash my OCs faces together because no one is going to notice I'm being weird anyway.

#ltleramblings

[fuck-yeah-astarion]

#ltleramblings #bg3 #astarion #gale of waterdeep #bloodweave

[ltleflrt]

I saw a post once that was half-seriously joking about asking what the souls of aborted babies are like. Because there are child ghosts, right? So are there fetus souls? Are they tiny as the fetus? Do they flit around in heaven being obnoxious because they're mindless little puffs?

And my brain kept going with that. Are there clouds of them in heaven, and the angels feed on them like whales feed on krill?

WAIT. OH NO.

BETWEEN NO ABORTIONS AND LESS MISCARRIAGES DUE TO BETTER HEALTHCARE (kinda) DOES THIS MEAN THAT WE'RE NOT FEEDING THE ANGELS? ARE THE ANGELS STARVING??? IS THIS WHY WE HAVE LESS MIRACLES IN MODERN TIMES????

ARE THE PRO-LIFERS THE REASON THE ANGELS ARE DYING OUT??????

Anyway, this is the kind of bullshit my brain grabs in its teeth and runs away with.

#ltleramblings

[fuck-yeah-astarion]

#ltleramblings #bg3 #astarion #halsin #halstarion

[ltleflrt]

So when I bought this house in 2009 I was told the roof had been replaced in 2003. Now it's 2024 and I'm getting it replaced again because I've noticed some tiny leaks in a few places. Very tiny. Like, the damage probably took a few years to get to the point where I'd notice it.

As they start pulling up shingles, it is discovered that the roof wasn't replaced, it was just a second layer of shingles added. That's fine and normal. I'm like, rip it all off and repair anything underneath that needs it.

As my roofer sends me pictures of the damage he's finding, because he wants me to have a record of all of it, I'm feeling very grateful that the roof hasn't collapsed. Jeebus, there is so much rot.

And on top of that, when the solar guys took down my panels, they found one of the arrays wasn't grounded. So, fire hazard.

If I had a nickel for every time we found a fire hazard in this house, I'd have THREE NICKELS.

Anyway, my useless psychic power has been giving me nightmares about my roof for about 5 or 6 years. And now I'm thinking it's not as useless as I thought.

#ltleramblings

[ltleflrt]

I need to talk about Durge/Astarion, and my fucked up headcanons about them.

WARNING: FUCKED UP.

Ever since I learned that Durge was into necrophilia before his brain got wormed, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that in regards to Astarion. We know that Astarion hides the smell of his dead body under specially created perfumes. What if Durge can smell the death underneath all that? What if one of the things that attracts him to Astarion is the faint scent of death? What if one of the things he likes about having sex with Astarion is his cold body, because it feels like having sex with a corpse?

Anyway, my Durge Gethin said no to daddy Bhaal, but the fact that Astarion is undead is still absolutely a bonus to him.

#ltleramblings #gethin durge #durgestarion #bloodurge #playing bg3 #dark urge