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popculturebuffet · 2 years

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Lightyear of Two Worlds Part 2 of 2: Lightyear: The Toy Story that Shoudln't of Been a Toy's Story. (Comissoned by WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy space rangers and welcome back to Lightyear of Two Worlds, my look at Disney's two very different attempts at defictionalizing the media that lead to the Buzz Lightyear toyline in the world of toy story.

Last week we looked at the pilot for Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, which is awesome and it's absence from Disney+ continues to be one of the biggest examples of Disney Logic I have ever seen, keeping a series off the platform to honor the wishes of Sexual Harassment John Lassiter, who they fired for said harassment and whose now bafflingly working at competition because someone was stupid and selfish enough to hire him.

So with Pixar actively trying to forget BLOSC despite being a critical and commercial hit loved by many, it does make sense they'd take another stab at it and that stab is really why we're here: Lightyear, the latest Pixar Film at the time, their first theatrical release since Covid… and the first since Soul to not be warmly received, ending Pixar's hot streak it was on.

As you can guess this was far from their most popular film: Toy Story fans dislike it for not really fitting at all as the movie the Buzz Lightyear Toyline came from, replacing the beloved BLOSC, and being yet another mediocre addition to the franchise after the divisive Toy Story 4 aka the only toy story film I haven't seen at the time of this review out of sheer disinterest. And you have to work pretty hard to not make me want to watch a film with Keanu Reeves, Annie Pots, Christina Hendricks, Kegan Micheal Key, and Jordan Peele all in one place. Just saying. General fans didn't like it for assuming it was an attempt to MCUify Toy Story and start a new cinematic universe, which it wasn't any of those things, and fans of Soul, Luca and Turning Red were livid that none of these films got a theatrical release but THIS did. And…

Soul at least got a huge Christmas Day release, competing directly with the highly disappointing and previously reviewed Wonder Woman 84, and giving families something to watch on Christmas, giving it the closest to a theatrical release Disney could mid-pandemic and doing so for both smart commercial and genuinely kind reasons. Luca and Turning Red… both just kinda got released because the pandemic was still very bad for Children and was having a new wave and could've simply been delayed so those are less understandable. Turning Red especially given it clearly wasn't to keep Lightyear in it's place and what i've seen of it is excellent and I intend to finish it, I just made the mistake of trying to watch it while very tired already and felt it deserved my full attention and energy. And the more I unpacked all of this as I prepared to watch the film, watched the film and tried to write this review MULTIPLE times but Tumblr done ate it, the more intresting things became and the more I was excited to cover it. Lightyear may not be pixar's best film, but it's a throughly intresting one to unpack both for what it does right, where it failed, and where Disney and the films own director failed it. So join me to infinity and beyond as I take this verison of buzz otu of the package and see what works and what needs to be sent back to the factory for repairs.

What Does That Mean I Ask You? Before we can get into the actual film we have to get into it's marketing.. which is one of the things I felt hurt it the most. For starters while the first trailer is majestic as hell, showing off the film's gorgeous animation and using one of my favorite songs from the Late, Great David Bowie, Starman, in one of the best ways i've seen, it was also maddeningly vague, as was the films marketing marketing it as "not a prequel but the origin of the REAL Buzz Lightyear that inspired the toy"

It was a question everyone has as what it actually was in relation to Toy Story, an alternate universe, a reboot, a cabin in the alps, was VERY unclear and no one could give a straight answer. And in hindsight… there is NO reason they couldn't have. The film is meant to be the in universe film, the first of a trilogy at least in the Toy Story Universe, that inspired the Buzz Lightyear toyline, the movie that Andy loved enough to want a Buzz Lightyear figure more than anything. I will NEVER get why simply saying that was so difficult for the film's crew and Chris Evans himself. I mean in the real world it's basically a reboot of Buzz as an actual space ranger and not a living toy, and in fiction it's a movie. That's all you had to say. I managed to lay it out in a sentence. The film itself lays it out in the opening text: In 1995, a boy named Andy got a Buzz Lightyear toy for his birthday. It was from his favorite movie. This is that movie. Were they trying to hide that to avoid controversy, trying to build up mystery, trying to use it as part of a complicated heist?

It's some of the dumbest marketing i've seen… and just yesterday I found out the cover to the Plesantville soundtrack is this

Which is somehow less confusing than this choice. You had the perfect, simple explination of it, the perfect marketing line IN THE FILM ITSELF. WHY DID YOU TAKE SO LONG TO USE IT

This is Disney Logic at it's purest: not doing the obvious things for reasons only known to the unkonwable cosmic entity that lives in the disney boardroom and makes most of their decisions lest descenters be sent into the void. It's understandable people weren't really excited about the film when the marketing was confusing. You can be vauge about something and still get people hyped, Jordan Peele is a master at this, keeping his movies tight lipped since their built on sizeable twists and suspense, but this was trying to do that and instead steping of a field of rakes. And speaking of stepping on a filed of rakes let's talk about this being the in universe film that inspired the Buzz Lightyear Toyline shall we?

This FIlm Makes No Goddamn Sense as a Film In the Toy Story Universe I could leave it at the title but this is something that utterly baffled me and continues to. While Lightyear works okay as a film, as THE film that inspired the Buzz Toyline and, according to it's director, BLOSC, it is laughably nonsensical. Not as much as the films marketing but stil VERY close. I knew from just from research that this was going to need it's own section.

See the IDEA of making Buzz a movie instead of a tv show isn't bad. The director, Angus Maclane described it as "What if we made the movie that inspired the Buzz Lightyear Toy and made it awesome". And for all the faults with the film Maclane wasn't a bad choice: This isn't his first time with Toy Story having directed my personal faviorite of the Post Toy Story 3 shorts, Small Fry, in which a happy meal toy of buzz ties up our buzz and tries to replace him. The sheer hilarity of this tiny big headed toy trying to swagger in while no one remotely buys it (and only fake it so they can go find the real buzz), while Buzz is forced to deal with a support group for abandoned toys is amazing and still one of my faviorite toy story things. Angus also directed Toy Story of Terror, an excellent special. He knew the franchise and clearly does love it, to the point that despite the frequent burials of star command it not only inspired the film a bit, but he still treid to fit it into the verse when he didn't really have to nor Disney didn't care if it lived or died. It dosen't quite work in that regard and i'll get to that, but he still tried.

The idea is good, and honestly Buzz , while making a tiny bit more sense as a tie in to a tv show, still makes perfect sense as a movie tie in: the 90's were RIFE with movie toylines, to the point the lost in space movie i'm sure 80% of you didn't even know existed and which somehow shares a plot point with this movie had a MASSIVE toyline, one I almost forgot happened till I stumbled across one in package at a thrift store. They would give any movie a toyline and given Angus says the LIghtyear film got two sequels to make it a trilogy, and that Star Wars had a big toyline in the 90's to go with the relreases, it did make sense.

The problem is despite Angus saying that was the idea… Lightyear never REMOTELY comes off as the kind of movie that would've promoted the toys we see in the Toy Story movies. Lightyear.. isn't a star wars or star trek style space opera.. it's a hard sci fi story about guilt, lost time, and moving on. It's a pretty great story, one i'll get into the meat of soon enough, but it's not the kind of cheesy but still damn cool space opera like Star Wars or Star Trek that Buzz was clearly supposed to be, nor that kids would buy the merch for.

As my good friend Jess said as we watched this as I needed a copilot, this makes more sense as an in universe reboot of the Buzz Lightyear franchise than the original film. And I agree. It would've still kept what they were going for but worked much better. Out of universe.. this film IS a reboot and clearly trying to take a goofy property dead seriously. It fits more with modern sensibilities and is written and designed that way. If they wanted to make a reboot or make a cheesy 80's or 90's style sci fi flick that still kicked ass, either was viable but by trying to do both it fails. And that's not even getting into the fact that Buzz' best friend being openly gay and having an onscreen kiss disney SHOCKINGLY tried to cut out before sheepishly reinserting it for florida shaped reasons.

There's also a TON of little things that just don't add up: Buzz' ship doesn't look a ton like the classic one, Zurg looks and acts NOTHING like the one we see in Toy Story 2 in toy or in the video games, and Buzz really doesn't look a ton like it. It just takes you out of the movie trying to figure out how the hell this movie came out in kayfabe 1995 and drags the film down slightly as a result. Onc eagain, easy solution in sight, stupid solution taken instead lest get sent to the void. We Should Be On By Now

So we've gotten into why the movie dosen't make a lick of sense in the Toy Story universe.. but what is it as a movie? What it is is honestly pretty good. While it has some flaws, we'll get to those the core of the film is a moving, high concept sci fi piece. The Film is a character piece, one centered around Buzz.. and the greatest mistake of his life. We see this mistake at the start of the film: Buzz is a Space Ranger, part of Star Commands mission to explore new worlds to settle on and explore. Buzz's job alongside his best friend and commanding officer Alisha is to check out these worlds ahead of time to see if their habitable before waking the science team. I find it neat this is done in resonable shifts: make sure ther'es a reason to stay and not a ton of hostile critters, then thaw out science team to likely check for toxins and other hidden dangers that Space Rangers prelimnary scans might have missed.

America's Ass Chris Evans and Uzo Aduba who unsuprisingly is playing someone who tries to find a way to save the day because that's who she is. Both are excellent. Evans admitely stumbles in this first act, which has a bit more comedy and most of it not landing, that has Buzz more like he is as a toy and patrick warburton: a tad hammy and jokey. It clashes with the more serious tone of the rest of th efilm and thankfully once we're past that Evans slips into the roll far better and plays the comedy scens like we know we can. Uzo is just great from start to finish as she always is when she shows up in a work, and plays Alisha as the compitent commander and compassionate but needed check to Buzz' love of protocol and obsessive need "finish the mission". THey have great chemistry and you really feel like they've been friends for a LONG time and this is just one adventure of many. I was also shocked to be reminded by Wikipedia this WASN'T Evan's first voice role: He played Casey Jones , and did a decent job if memory serves, in the excellent 2007 TMNT movie. He was also in Battle For Terra which I honestly forgot existed and probably will after this review finishes.

Things go bad fast though and all thanks to Buzz: His refusal to really work with a rookie they brought leaves him open to the planets living plants, and they quickly find out this planet is hostile as hell and try to leave. An engine failure and Buzz' half assed attempts to land with no help seal their fate and leave the crew stranded.

This is the moment I talked about and it's telling Buzz's first instict is to handcuff himself and insist he be court martialed, recognizing his ego and overconfidence has trapped hundreds of people on a hostile world with no easy way off as they'd need to try and synthize the crystals that make warp flight possible. It shows Buzz not only took his horrible mistake hard, but that he's geninely repentant. Alisha wisely get shim to pivot, using Buzz' sense of duty to point out the mission isn't done: They need to set up a colony so they can sythisze the fuel needed to find some way out of this.. and they need Buzz to both make sure they get that far and to do the flight work It's a heartwarming well meaning gesture, Alisha not likely happy with the crash but understanding that beating up her friend over it may send him spiraling further and that by giving him a purpose, it'll have him put his guilt towards making up for his mistakes and instead of drowning in them. As a wise man once said

The problem is telling him to Finish The Mission.. also leaves Buzz using said phrase as an unhealthy coping mechanisim for his own guilt. To him the ONLY way he can ever forgive himself for what he's done to these people is getting them home. The ONLY thing that matters is making the fuel stable and no matter what it costs him he'll do it. It's all he has to hold onto.

And thus we get a decent twist and one the trailers hid: while the trailers did reveal the plot involves buzz ending up generations after his friend with her dead, I assumed it'd be, funnily enough a Captain America situation: Buzz goes forward, his friend is long gone and he's a man out of time. While he's a man out of time HOW it happens is something I never could've imagined but it's incredibly creative, heartbreaking and tragic: Buzz lands from his first failed test flight.. and finds the tech who helped him years older, having grown a beard.. and thinking Buzz was DEAD. Buzz lost four years of his life due to time dilation, a scientific principal often mused about in space flight and why the cryosleep was likely applied: While Buzz himself doesn't age everything around him does, so while for him it was likely a few hours, for everyone else it was four years. As such he lost those years, missing his best friend getting engaged to a wonderful woman she met. It's driven home painfully by the fact he's shocked it just happened.. only for Alisha to interject it was three years ago. They've been together that long and Buzz missed all of it

Buzz is given one of the best parts of the film to cope. To Star Command and Alisha's credit, they've prepared for things like this and thus Buzz is given a therapy robot, Sox, a cat robot voiced by Peter Sohn. If that name doesn't ring a bell it's fair: Sohn's mostly done small rolls like the mugger in incredibles and is more a behind the scenes man, with his directorial debut coming soon with the awesome looking Elemental. I assumed going in Socks was simple Disney mandated comic relief. And while part of that is true, he's very deadpan and very hilarious at times… he's also endearing, genuinely trying to help Buzz with his trauma and process things while Buzz is determined to do the flight again, keep going and Finish the Mission. In this trying time where he's lost so much time and is only going to loose more, Sox is a lifeline, doing research on the crystals between flights and being Buzz's support and friend. Buzz , while slightly annoyed by his robot buddy, does genuinely apricate his efforts. Sadly Buzz fails to see the lost time as something to mourn nor takes any time to regroup, get counseling that isn't a robot cat, or reflect: he instead pushes forward.. and the insuring montage is tearjerking. Buzz continues to loose year, after year, only seeing his best friends life in glimpses as she has a child with her partner, anniversaries and other events. Buzz gets to intend, as Alisha makes sure he's included.. but he looses so much. By focusing so much on his past mistake, a mistake that to him was just days ago, a mistake he never took the time to forgive himself for, he's missing the key fact: That everyone and everything else has moved on. What he did was a terrible blunder, yes. Him trying to make up for it for noble.. but letting his drive to do so consume him cost him a life.

He could've found a partner himself if he wanted to , help settle this world as his friend had, been a part of her joys and triumphs and been there for her children and grandchildren. Instead he's just a passing figure, a story she can tell them.. and when she finally passes of old age, he's not there for it. He lost his best friend and being a part of her life all because he coudlnt' get up.. and the sadest part is he STILL plans to keep going, not realizing that in the decades that have passed the mission is obsolete: generations have grown up here and while space flight COULD be useful, escaping..is no longer necessary. And you can see why Buzz dosne't realize this: in his dogged pursuit only months, maybe a year has passed for him while DECADES have gone on. Oceans rised, empires fell.. and he stayed the same, trapped in the worst moment of his life trying to make up for it long after said mistake has turned from a horrible surivival situation to simply the way things are.

The film tries to hammer this home with the new commander, Cal Burnside> The problem is Cal.. is the worst character in the film and would be the worst part if not for the. For starters shortly AFTER Buzz just found out his friend was dead he decides to just.. tell Buzz the missions' canceled, his work was for nothing and it's over. Now granted, I get why: like I said this is home. Cal had his WHOLE LIFE here from birth to now. I suspect the ONLY reason Buzz wasn't stopped sooner is Alisha coudln't bare to do that to her friend and likely planned to simply talk him down from escaping and find another use for space flight once he was done.

Cal however dosen't seem to Graps Buzz woudlnt want to give up that easy, to him only a year, if that has passed while decades have passed to him or you know get him a therapist to help him adjust to his new life. Canceling the project is fine but the callousness this bastard has for a man who just found out the one shot he felt he had at redpention is dead, his best friend is dead, and he has NOTHING left but his robot cat is MIND BOGGLING. Oh and because the missions over he plans to have said cat memory wiped and murdered.

So yeah I do not like this guy at all. He was clearly meant to be gruff but well meaning.. but comes off as an unempathetic ass not helped by trying to arrest buzz for taking off soon after… even though that's obviously what he'd do and maybe treating him like a criminal instead of TALKING TO HIM MORE would help. Cal really fails to grasp what Buzz is going througha nd while I get it, unlike Alisha he dosen't know the guy, you'd THINK a legendary hero who had been around for decades at this point and been doing this for so long woul dbe someone he'd at least read up on heavily or something he'd read the breifings for if Alisha left any. Sure she could've done nothing and this could be her fault.. but given Cal's impulsive, overly holden to the rules, needlessly if unteitonally cruel actions, i'm inclined to beleivie he woudln't of cared.

So Buzz takes off again and ends up a few weeks later, finding the city covered with a dome and under siege by the forces of Zurg, whose also taking an intrest in Buzz. The only help he has are the incredibly green cadets of the local base who happened to not be behind the city's shield, what Burnside pivoted research too, at the time and are trying to find some way to stop Zurg: Izzy, Alisha's enthuastic granddaughter whose a big fan of Buzz' played by the radiant Kiki Palmer, Mo, a nervous sort played by a criminally misused Taika Watiti and Darby, played by Dale Soules of orange is the new black, a convict doing this as community service. Buzz naturally given the weird rookie thing doesn't want to use them, but is of course forced to rely on them

The cadets are a mixed bag. THe whole having to rely on them thing feels contrived and done a thousand times before, and they feel like the most cliche part of a film that's mostly fairly clever in doing space stuff. That said Izzy and Darby ARE endearing: Izzy is cheerful, genuinely wants to help and get better, and wants to take her shot. l She's also helpful, pointing out the space rangers suits stealth functions when the group gets some and having come up with operation surprise party, the plan to defeat Zurg, herself. You can't help but like her as she struggles to earn her uncle's approval. Darby is less complex being the comic relief, but she's still useful and entertaining, casually hot wiring stuff for the crews needs, making fun quips and generally being what scientests call a hoot. Mo is the weak link: Watiti CAN be funnier and deeper than this as seen with What We Do In the Shadows, Our Flag Means Death and The Thor Films, but is wasted here on an underdeveloped cowardly guy stereotype

I do get why star command fans aren't fond of these guys though: Their, aside from Izzy, a weak substitute for strong characters with far better designs. Izzy is still great though an emotional bedrock that helps Buzz see the life Alisha had, that it may of not been what she was planning.. but she wouldn't trade it. A life well lived.

The Man Who Sold the World And it's around this time Buzz gets kidnapped by our main villian, Zurg, played by character actor i'm not too familiar with but does terrific here James Brolin. And it's here we get a twist MANY hated: Zurg.. is an older Buzz, one from another timeline who did land on time.. and was nearly arrested. Understandably bitter at Burnsides treatment of him after FINALLY mastering the fuel he sped off and ended up aging some.. and ended up in the past. The time dilation turned out to work both ways and provided Future Buzz an opportunity: go back to when the accident happen, stop it and prevent this timeline from ever happening. Admittedly we get one of the dumbest parts of the film as Future Buzz just.. found the Zurg equipment. There might be a real Zurg whose shit he stole, the robots just call him that. It is impressively half assed, having the main villian just find this stuff instead of having Future Buzz' socks simply come up with the robots and ships. We know our Socks has been spending the decades studying the fuel and likely thus the ships himself, and givne he hacked star command to get the test flight going could probably do the same now covertly to get robot plans and anything Future Buzz needed. It's UTTERLY lazy in a film that's usually anything butt when it comes to it's plot.

That said while the "he found this stuff' thing is VERY stupid.. I have to admit.. I LOVE Future Buzz. Yes really. I get the hate to a point: evil future self isn't the newest thing with Hulk having done it brilliantly with Future Imperfect and the Maestro back in the 9's and other films like said Lost in Space and Lego Movie: The Second Part being brought up. But the thign is just because a trope HAS been done.. dosen't mean it can't work again. The way it's done here is better than how it seems for LIS, and is far different from Lego Movie 2. The motivations are different, the characterization is diffrent and the intent is different.

The reason Future Buzz works is he's the embodiment of our Main Buzz's obession with "finishing the mission'" Our Buzz has finally stopped long enough to see his guilt is no longer needed, that his friend had a full life as did everyone else and they created somethign wonderful out of a terrible situation: generations of families, a life well lived and a home.

Future Buzz, who yes I get is Zurg but is not really zurglike so it's easier to only call him that when I want to rather than all the dang time, never stopped. He never stopped thinking of the mission, never stopped trying, and only thought of that. And it's divergince that gives Buzz clarity: he realizes that if he does this, resets time anjd finally fixes his mistake he'll reach his goal: but Izzy , Mo, even Commander Douchecanoe will never exist and the good life Alisha had, the partner she met will never happen. All that will be gone.. and in the end when faced with getting what he want, with seemingly getting his redemption.. Buzz backs away. He's finally done one of the hardest things a person can do, a thing I struggle with when I fuck up, and perhaps why this film hit so hard: he forgives himself and lets his mistake go

Naturally there's more to this: Zurrg refuses to see reason and plans to still hard reset things, Buzz' crew save him, as does Future Socks who realizes his old friend has lost his way and invests in a new buzz.. before sadly getting killed by Zurg!Buzz for his betryal. An actiony and decent climax has had but for me the most important part is done: Buzz forgave himself , broke the cycle and finds a new future. Commander Steaming Bowl of Elephant Piss while arresting buzz depsite you know CLEARLY stopping Zurg

Reopens the Space Rangers, now dedicated to exploring nearbye systems with the perfected crystal and protecting their home from threats, with the Zurg incident having shown there's more out there. Our heroes head to infinity and beyond.. and Buzz finally embraces the future. It's a good ending and as you can see the plot.. really isn't that bad. I get Future Buzz being divisive, but to me it's a solid tale of living and guilt.. and moving past it to infinity and beyond The problem isn't future Buzz as a character: Brolin is fantastic and he's a perfect evil oppisite. The problem is the biggest one with the film

This Shoudln't Of Been A Toy Story The thing that holds the film back from being a true classic.. is that it's a Buzz Lighyear tale. on it's own it's fucking amazing and could've easily been a pixar sci fi movie about a man grappling with his mistakes. But the buzz bits grafted onto it don't take. The Space Ranger Uniforms for staters are too goofy for the tone: Buzz and co wear realistic nasa style uniforms when not in flight and Buzz has a realistic flight suit he uses for the tests. Their iconic outfits dont' get me wrong, but they just don't fit this movie with their gaudy color scheme and space age design. More importanntly though in connection to the toy versions.. it just dosen't work. Zurg is modernly redeisgned to be threatning, and isn't the hammy darth vader clone he was in Toy Story. As I said NONE of this makes sense as the original toy story. There's a clever bit here and there, the space ranger suits Mo and Darby use are the Blue and Red Variants used in the original toyline. I love that so much. But ultimately it just feels like a familiar IP Grafted onto a truly great story.

That's the tragedy here: This is a fairly decent film. It's not as bad as it's hate, but it's hampred by trying to be something it's not. It was assumed to be a star wars style action film but it's not. It was saddled with a lisence that only actively hurt it. If LIghtyear were just allowed to be a cool high concept sci fi film with some action, fun characters, and a truly deep core it'd work. As it stands, Lightyear is a flawed messy film that I still feel is woth a look. The three films before it are objectively better, again even with just maybe 20 minutes of Turning Red it's far more cohesive, personal and well thought out than this entire film, and the three after it, Elemental, Elio and Inside Out 2 look far more intresting, this flim dosen't really deserve to be remember as this hated failure it's become. It should be remembered at what it is: a mistake in making it a toy story film.. but a decent sci fi story about letting go of guilt all the same. Thanks for reading, follow for more, consider reading my patreon.. and as all three Buzzes would say, all deserving of the uniform, To Infinity, And Beyond.

#buzz lightyear #toy story #lightyear #chris evans #pixar #disney #disney+#kiki palmer #disney plus #animation #taika waititi #uzo aduba #film

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disneyharmony · 2 years

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some of my own unpopular pixar opinions:

-lightyear was GOOD

-luca is one of the best pixar movies ever made

-cars 2 isn’t that bad

-the good dinosaur isn’t bad at all

-toy story 2 & 3 are better than toy story 1

-the incredibles is one of the weakest pixar movies

thank you ❤️

#text #pixar #these are just my opinions but feel free to fight me 🥰

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gemtvusa · 7 months

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The Best Upcoming Movies on 2024 Netflix

THE BUZZING LINE-UP OF 2024 MOVIES From epic action sequels to superhero phenomena, animated adventures for all ages, and beyond – here’s why 2024 is shaping up to be a cinematic thrill ride! The movie realm is ever-evolving. The shadow of a global pandemic, the burgeoning domain of streaming platforms, the rise in franchise-centric blockbusters, and the challenge for theaters have stirred numerous questions about cinema's trajectory. Yet, as we inch closer to 2024, the cinematic horizon gleams with promise. We're set to be graced with high-voltage superhero sagas, a musical interpretation we can't wait for, George Miller's fresh take on Mad Max, another dive into the world of Avatar, and a plethora of other delights. Dive in to discover the gems 2024 has in store, and keep an eye out for constant updates to our line-up!

The Best Upcoming Movies on 2024 Netflix JANUARY

El Muerto (2024)

- Director: Jonás Cuarón - Star Power: Bad Bunny - Release Date: January 12, 2024 Though initially Sony had slated Madame Web for an early 2024 release, they’ve now shifted gears to ‘El Muerto.’ The limelight focuses on the musical maestro, Bad Bunny, as he takes on a lesser-known Spidey comrade's role. While production details remain under wraps, we’re keeping our fingers crossed for the January launch. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tTwPQKY6vc

The Best Upcoming Movies on 2024 Netflix FEBRUARY

Madame Web (-1)

- Director: S.J. Clarkson - Featuring: Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Celeste O’Connor, Isabela Merced, Tahar Rahim, Emma Roberts, Mike Epps, Adam Scott, Zosia Mamet - Release Date: February 14, 2024 Sony’s Spider-Man universe (minus Spider-Man, ironically) has seen peaks with ‘Venom’ and troughs with ‘Morbius.’ Now, Madame Web is on the horizon, with Dakota Johnson leading the way as the mysterious, clairvoyant Spider-ally. With a cast that boasts Sydney Sweeney, Adam Scott, and Zosia Mamet, it’s already piquing interest. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTU-h-unzBk

The Best Upcoming Movies on 2024 Netflix MARCH

Elio (2024)

- Director: Adrian Molina - Featuring: America Ferrera, Yonas Kibreab - Release Date: March 1, 2024 Revealed in 2022, Pixar's next masterpiece comes after 2023's 'Elemental.' This intergalactic tale revolves around Elio, an 11-year-old Earthling, who finds himself mistakenly thrust into space, deemed Earth’s representative on a foreign planet. Director Adrian Molina, known for his stellar work on Coco, Toy Story 4, and Luca, makes his directing debut here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w_K3CB8PuE The Fall Guy (2024)

- Director: David Leitch - Lead Stars: Ryan Gosling, Emily Blunt - Release Date: March 1, 2024 When it comes to pulse-pounding action, David Leitch has made quite the mark with movies like John Wick, Atomic Blonde, and Deadpool 2. He's now reviving an 80s TV classic – a tale of a stuntman with a double life as a bounty hunter. With Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt leading the charge, this is set to be an adrenaline-packed ride. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Id0PrIwhPn0 Kung Fu Panda 4 (2024)

- Director: Mike Mitchell - Lead Cast: Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Jackie Chan, Seth Rogen, Lucy Liu, Dustin Hoffman, David Cross - Release Date: March 8, 2024 The acclaimed "Kung Fu Panda" franchise by DreamWorks Animation is a masterclass in storytelling, transcending a comical concept (a lovable panda voiced by Jack Black mastering kung fu) into an epic tale packed with humor, emotions, and breathtaking action sequences. The recent CinemaCon 2023 announcement revealed Mike Mitchell, renowned for "Trolls" and "The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part", as the director. The upcoming sequel promises an intriguing journey where our hero Po confronts a chameleon antagonist and embarks on a quest to find the next Dragon Warrior. https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=dR1LjDVXQtg A Quiet Place: Day One (2024)

- Director: Michael Sarnoski - Starring: Lupita Nyong’o, Joseph Quinn, Alex Wolff, Djimon Hounsou, Denis O’Hare - Release Date: March 8, 2024 The "A Quiet Place" series has predominantly centered around a post-apocalyptic world, dominated by lethal extraterrestrial creatures with hypersensitive hearing abilities. But as hinted by its name, this third installment offers audiences a rewind, diving deep into the terrifying initial days of the alien onslaught. The narrative unfolds at a time when humanity remains clueless about the impending doom or the capabilities of these alien beings. Directed by Michael Sarnoski, celebrated for directing Nicolas Cage in the acclaimed 2021 movie "Pig," this installment is set to be an exhilarating experience. While the ensemble features fresh faces, fans will be delighted to see Djimon Hounsou reprising his role from the second film. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9If0ZPaCHU Dune: The Next Chapter (2024)

- Director: Denis Villeneuve - Starring: Timothée Chalamet, Zendaya, Rebecca Ferguson, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, Stellan Skarsgård - Release Date: March 15, 2024 The resounding success of the initial Dune adaptation paves the way for this enthralling sequel. With esteemed director Denis Villeneuve at the helm, the next chapter promises to be a captivating continuation of Frank Herbert's monumental science fiction saga. A stellar ensemble including Florence Pugh, Léa Seydoux, Austin Butler, and the legendary Christopher Walken join the existing cast. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Way9Dexny3w The Return of Snow White (2024)

- Director: Marc Webb - Starring: Rachel Zegler, Gal Gadot, Andrew Burnap - Release Date: March 22, 2024 Disney's iconic fairy tale returns, decades after its original animated debut in 1937. This time, the retelling features West Side Story's sensation Rachel Zegler as Snow White and the iconic Gal Gadot stepping into the shoes of the menacing Evil Queen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=IEYZNZF4-pA Ghostbusters: Legacy Continues (2024)

- Director: Gil Kenan - Starring: Carrie Coon, Paul Rudd, McKenna Grace, Finn Wolfhard, Kumail Nanjiani, Patton Oswalt - Release Date: March 29, 2024 Under the fresh direction of Gil Kenan, this sequel promises to stay rooted in the original's legacy while charting a new course. The ensemble is spearheaded by Carrie Coon, Paul Rudd, and others, with an exciting backdrop set in New York. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k52DmOaVXk8 Mickey 17: The Odyssey (2024)

- Director: Bong Joon-ho - Starring: Robert Pattinson, Naomi Ackie, Toni Collette, Mark Ruffalo, Steven Yeun - Release Date: March 29, 2024 From the visionary mind of Bong Joon-ho comes another gripping tale. Inspired by Edward Ashton's novel, this cinematic journey depicts the life of a recyclable worker, portrayed by Robert Pattinson, as he undertakes a mission in outer space. https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=-iY5l9JcOWY

The Best Upcoming Movies on 2024 Netflix APRIL

Godzilla x Kong: Rise of the Titans (2024)

- Director: Adam Wingard - Starring: Dan Stevens, Rebecca Hall, Brian Tyree Henry, Kaylee Hottle, Fala Chen, Alex Ferns, Rachel House - Release Date: April 12, 2024 The titanic monsters, Godzilla and Kong, return for another monumental showdown. This sequel promises unforeseen twists and turns, hinting at a possible alliance against an emerging global threat. With Dan Stevens leading the human cast and Adam Wingard ensuring an epic direction, this is one not to miss. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJEpl4ty4Sw Challengers: Love & Tennis (2024)

- Director: Luca Guadagnino - Starring: Zendaya, Josh O’Connor, Mike Faist - Release Date: April 26, 2024 Zendaya takes center stage in Luca Guadagnino's intricate narrative that blends tennis, passion, and intricate relationships. The tale revolves around a prodigious tennis coach (Zendaya), her once-champion husband (Mike Faist), and his former close friend (Josh O’Connor), who shares a complex past with her. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDnVk5jIJr0 MAY FILM ROSTER Deadpool Returns (2024)

- Director: Shawn Levy - Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, Leslie Uggams - Release Date: May 3, 2024 Deadpool, the iconic and irreverent anti-hero, makes a spectacular comeback. With the surprising reintroduction of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, fans are buzzing with excitement. Given Deadpool's trademark adult humor, how it will synergize with Disney's more family-friendly Marvel Universe is eagerly awaited. Jackman's return, especially after his unforgettable performance in Logan, only heightens the anticipation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqa3wjsBN_0 Furiosa's Origin (2024)

- Director: George Miller - Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Chris Hemsworth, Tom Burke, Nathan Jones, Angus Sampson - Release Date: May 24, 2024 Delve deep into the world of Furiosa before the events of Mad Max: Fury Road. This gripping prequel unveils the journey of a young Furiosa, played by Anya Taylor-Joy. Directed by the maestro, George Miller, and co-starring Chris Hemsworth, this narrative explores Furiosa's tumultuous past and her ascension in Immortan Joe's dominion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm9xMNZSuDc The Legendary Garfield (2024)

- Director: Mark Dindal - Starring: Chris Pratt, Samuel L. Jackson, Nicholas Hoult, Cecily Strong, Hannah Waddingham, Ving Rhames - Release Date: May 24, 2024 Chris Pratt lends his voice to the iconic, lasagna-craving, Monday-averse feline, Garfield, in this delightful reimagining of the classic comic. With a surprising twist, Samuel L. Jackson brings Garfield's father, Vic, to life. An animated treat awaits! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXWvmPGjVXI The World of IF (2024)

- Director: John Krasinski - Starring: Ryan Reynolds, John Krasinski, Fiona Shaw, Cailey Fleming, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Steve Carell, Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Maya Rudolph, Awkwafina - Release Date: May 24, 2024 In this enchanting fantasy comedy created by dynamic duo John Krasinski and Ryan Reynolds, the narrative revolves around a young girl's discovery of her unique power – perceiving forsaken Imaginary Friends. With Krasinski penning the script, the tale is brought to life by a constellation of stars voicing these fantastical companions. MAY'S CINEMATIC LINEUP Planet of the Apes: The New Era (2024)

- Director: Wes Ball - Starring: Owen Teague, Freya Allan, Peter Macon, Eka Darville, Kevin Durand - Release Date: May 24, 2024 After Caesar's iconic leadership came to an end in "War for the Planet of the Apes", the saga continues. Directed by Wes Ball of the Maze Runner fame, this installment advances the storyline to the future, post the events of the last war. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HimhSuITJdY

The Best Movies on 2024 JUNE

Ballet of Vengeance (2024)

- Director: Len Wiseman - Starring: Ana de Armas, Keanu Reeves, Ian McShane, Lance Reddick, Norman Reedus, Anjelica Huston, Gabriel Byrne - Release Date: June 7, 2024 Ana de Armas headlines this gripping tale set in the John Wick universe. As a trained assassin under the watchful guidance of the mysterious "Director", she embarks on a whirlwind journey of revenge. The timeline offers insights into events that transpired between the third and fourth John Wick chapters. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3njg62ni8lE Bad Boys: The Final Ride (2024)

- Director: Adil El Arbi, Bilall Fallah - Starring: Will Smith, Martin Lawrence - Release Date: June 14, 2024 Will Smith and Martin Lawrence reunite for an electrifying adventure, further fueling the legacy of the Bad Boys series. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnmig3tXeiQ Emotions Rekindled: Inside Out 2 (2024)

- Director: Kelsey Mann - Starring: Amy Poehler, Phyllis Smith, Lewis Black - Release Date: June 14, 2024 Venture into the intricate labyrinth of a college-bound Riley's emotions. As she navigates this new chapter, the sequel promises a fresh array of feelings, introducing new emotional avatars to accompany the beloved originals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuFVmdIgkiQ Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning's Echo (2024)

- Director: Christopher McQuarrie - Starring: Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames, Henry Czerny, Simon Pegg, Rebecca Ferguson, Vanessa Kirby, Hayley Atwell, Shea Whigham, Esai Morales, Pom Klementieff - Release Date: June 28, 2024 Tom Cruise returns with death-defying stunts and thrilling espionage in the newest Mission: Impossible film, which picks up where 2023’s Dead Reckoning Part One left off. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDRHI24zrzw

The Best Movies on 2024 Netflix JULY

Despicable Tales: Minion Mayhem (2024)

- Director: Chris Renaud, Patrick Delage - Starring: Steve Carell, Kristen Wiig, Miranda Cosgrove, Steve Coogan - Release Date: July 3, 2024 The Minions are back with their lovable mischief alongside the iconic Gru. This chapter promises more chaos, humor, and heartwarming moments. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYaZlsoxTHo Mufasa: Rise of the King (2024)

- Director: Barry Jenkins - Starring: Aaron Pierre, Kevin Harrison Jr., Seth Rogen, Billy Eichner, John Kani - Release Date: July 5, 2024 Delve into the origins of Mufasa, the regal lion before he became king, in this immersive prequel to the "Lion King". Experience his early adventures and the bonds that shaped him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY2yo7H2XUo Symbiotic Struggles: Venom 3 (2024)

- Director: Kelly Marcel - Starring: Tom Hardy, Juno Temple, Chiwetel Ejiofor - Release Date: July 12, 2024 Tom Hardy returns as Eddie Brock, wrestling with the alien entity, Venom. While the narrative remains shrouded in mystery, expect thrilling confrontations and unexpected alliances. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2GVcQbmryE Tornado Tales: Twisters (2024)

- Director: Lee Isaac Chung - Starring: Daisy Edgar-Jones, Glen Powell, Anthony Ramos, Brandon Perea, Maura Tierney - Release Date: July 19, 2024 More than a sequel to the iconic 1996 film "Twister", this "new chapter" promises high-octane action as tornadoes wreak havoc, with a fresh ensemble cast ready to face nature's fury. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7pXSgIxe2U Captain America: New Frontiers (2024)

- Director: Julius Onah - Starring: Anthony Mackie, Tim Blake Nelson, Harrison Ford, Carl Lumbly, Danny Ramirez, Shira Haas - Release Date: August 26, 2024 Sam Wilson, once known as The Falcon, steps into the spotlight, wielding Captain America's shield against new threats and age-old enemies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dvb97m_gCUY

The Best Upcoming Movies on 2024 Netflix AUGUST

Borderlands: Galaxy's Edge (2024)

- Director: Eli Roth - Starring: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Ariana Greenblatt, Jamie Lee Curtis, Edgar Ramirez, Haley Bennett, Florian Munteanu - Release Date: August 9, 2024 Journey to the outer reaches of space in this adaptation of the hit video game series. As chaos ensues on an alien planet, a group of unlikely heroes forms an alliance to seek untold treasures and battle formidable foes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAs6cyCfIAQ Read the full article

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oathome · 1 year

Note

10, 13, 19 and 20 for the end of year questions? <3

thanks so much for sending me some anon <3

10. Something that made you cry this year?

god first thing to come to mind is when i watched pixar's Luca for the first time bc i cried my eyes out omg - idk why this movie hit me so hard but i love love love it and it made me super emotional lol

13. How was your birthday this year?

my mom and best friend always make my birthdays fun but honestly i didn't really celebrate it this year bc lots of my friends weren't in the country so nothing too special !!

19. What’re you excited about for next year?

oooo so much - moving into my own place with my friend, improving within my job, and hopefully lots of travels and concerts 🤞

20. What’s something you learned this year?

honestly - that i'm capable of much more than i ever thought i'd be :-)

#thanks again <3 #diary

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purpleratbastard · 3 years

Text

Luca & Alberto 🎣🌌🛵⛲️🍦🧜‍♂️💫🐟

the most adorable gay love story disney has ever accidentally coded :)

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themeganator5000 · 2 years

Text

Underdog Growed-Up Headcanons

I started these way back in August when I first saw the movie and I just wanted to post them before “Ciao, Alberto” for, like, posterity or whatever. I’ll probably be coming back and adding to this for the rest of my life. This is sorta like a cheat sheet for my fanfics, a lot of body headcanons and relationship descriptions type stuff. Take this all with a grain of sea salt because they’re obviously just my own personal opinions, but I’m also extremely funny and always right, so keep that in mind too. And, yes, this is INSANELY long so let’s all hope that I can figure out how the read more function works.

Luca Paguro

One of the biggest differences between land monster and sea monster cuisine is that there is no sugar underwater. Or ovens. Or sweet and melty gelato or warm and toasty focaccia… Needless to say there’s a lot of delicious foods that Luca has been missing out on, especially in Italy, and he’s determined to try every one. He gets a bit chunkier in his older age. And while, yes, new and exciting human foods are a contributing factor, his genetics also play a part. All of his family members are rather stocky and heavily built and Luca is no exception. He still stays rather short, in comparison to his friends at least, but bulks up considerably into a soft, but sturdy, young man (think Harvey Guillén).

He keeps his baby face and the increased roundness in his cheeks only add to the effect. He would look absolutely cherubic if it weren’t for his body hair. He really has no more body hair than any other man, but the contrast of the thick, dark curls against his creamy skin makes it more noticeable than usual. And his cable-knit sideburns only stand out all the more as they frame his young and boyish face. He never tries to grow facial hair because he fears he might look too much like his father (he still gets some stubble from time to time, tho). He also has big, thick eyebrows.

He has glasses, but they are huge, chunky, 70’s ones and he only ever wears them for reading. Yes, he looks adorable, but even Luca knows that he looks extra nerdy with his glasses.

Abso-fuckin-lutely loves dumb fish puns.

L: Alberto, Alberto, listen to this.

A: ?

L: Okay, what’s the difference between a piano and a fish?

A: Uhh, I dunno?

L: It’s- it’s- you can tune a piano, but you can’t- *laughing* b-but you can’t- *laughing even harder* but you can’t tuna fish! *inhuman wheezing and snorting*

A: *slightly concerned, but adoring smile* Santa mozzarella, I love this man…

Luca clicks and chirps even in his human form whenever he feels especially affectionate or sometimes stressed. This is heavily inspired by the fact that clown loaches make clicking noises when they’re happy or territorial. It’s also sort of a stim for him, he’ll be studying for a stressful exam and start clicking with his teeth and Giulia will be like “????” and he’s like “ah sorry that’s just my pharyngeal teeth” and she’s like “your WHAT?!???”

He often chokes while drinking water because he’s not used to, like, not being surrounded by it. Drinking is a foreign concept to him (no i am NOT self-projecting my tendency to choke on water when i drink it, leave me ALONE).

He still rides his bike often or whenever he gets a chance. To and from classes, a ride to the beach to watch the sunset, stuff like that. He develops rather strong legs from it and while he could never beat Alberto in a foot race or Giulia in a game of football, he is the undeniable champion of bike racing. His legs are like tree trunks.

His arms are decidedly more fat than muscle, but that by no means means he’s weak. He is his mother’s son, after all.

Alberto absolutely adores Luca’s pleasantly plump physique. He takes to calling him pet names like “cherubino”, “angelo”, and (his personal favorite) “bismalva” [i don’t know what Italian people call marshmallows…]. Alberto also looooves to hug his wonderful squishy husband. If you thought he was clingy before, hoo-boy, you better watch out now! It’s a miracle Luca ever gets to breathe while Alberto is around. Whether it’s keeping an arm around his shoulder, holding his hand, or wrapping his tail around his waist, Alberto never lets go of Luca. Not that he minds it, of course! But, ‘Beto, please, I can’t reach my cup with you holding me like this. Alberto’s favorite spot to rest his head also just so happens to be wherever Luca’s tummy is.

They also both like to teasingly call each other “seppia” [cuttlefish] whenever one is being overly clingy or cuddly.

Luca especially likes to butt his head up against someone as a way to ask for affection. He does this a lot if he’s tired or stressed out or just needs a hug. Since he’s a good deal shorter than his friends, he’ll usually end up pushing the top of his head into Alberto’s chest or resting his head on Giulia’s shoulder. They both know this means he needs some love, so they’ll always wrap him up in a big hug or rub his back or whatever it looks like he needs. Luca is also very fond of nuzzling his face against Alberto’s neck or forehead. Sometimes he’ll laugh into Giulia’s shoulder or rub noses with Alberto. He’s like a ram, very face-first into affection.

Alberto Scorfano

Speaking of Alberto, he has also grown during his time in Portorosso. While he still keeps his tall and lanky figure well into his prime, he gains quite a bit of muscle from fishing with Massimo. Not quite as Herculean as his adoptive father, but definitely in the Disney prince category. But what he gains the most in his line of work is scars. He’s covered in them from head to toe and he’s got a story to tell for each one. Most of them are just from careless accidents like holding his knife wrong or bumping up against some fishing equipment, but he’ll be damned if Expert Fisherman, Alberto Marcovaldo, sounds like anything less than a legendary hero in his stories. Unfortunately for him, Giulia knows the truth behind most of his stories from their father and she’s always quick to tell Luca, too, so really any chance he had of impressing his love with tales of his daring feats of heroism is gone before he knows it. He still tries, though.

Luca always plays along and pretends to be astonished by Alberto’s tales.

L: “You really wrestled that shark all the way into the Deep?”

A: “Of course! And all he managed to land on me was this scratch on my knee.”

L: “Wow, ‘Beto, you’re so brave…”

G: “He tripped and fell on a rock!!”

The kids really enjoy his stories, too, but sometimes their parents don’t approve of how gruesome they can get.

He really is somewhat of a living legend. Luca, too, to a lesser extent. Being the first sea monsters to not hide themselves from humans will do that to ya. Everyone knows Alberto, either from the Portorosso Cup, Massimo’s pescheria, or his job as a lifeguard, not one resident of this small coastal town has not shared at least one friendly chat with this personable pesce. And everyone who knows Alberto, knows Luca. Whether he’s ever met them before in his life or not, they know him.

When he’s not teaching young kids how to doggy paddle or bragging about his incredible boyfriend to strangers, he is with Massimo. Massimo is a better father to him than he ever could have hoped for. He’s taught Alberto countless things, including how to cook and bake all of Luca and Giulia’s favorite dishes for when they return to Portorosso (although, he mostly makes things for Luca). The first time Alberto made tiramisu for Luca, he had been so excited that he gave Alberto a kiss on the cheek (they weren’t even dating yet). Since then, it has been Alberto’s personal mission to perfect every dessert that Luca has ever raved to him about in his letters or phone calls. And if Giulia wants some special pasta, he’ll make that for her too, I guess.

Massimo also teaches Alberto how to sing. Massimo usually sings along with his radio while he cooks and since Alberto started cooking with him, Alberto sings along with him as well. At first it was just a fun way to pass the time and bond with his father, but the more he practiced, the better Alberto got at singing. He hardly realized it until Luca heard him sing. It was… eye-opening for the both of them. Later, he asked Massimo about different singing techniques and how he could become a better singer. Massimo was surprisingly knowledgeable and taught Alberto all about opera singing and breath control and how to take care of your voice and bought him some records to sing along to. Even though Alberto never told him, Massimo knew that Alberto was learning to sing for Luca. And who was he to deny him of that?

On his sixteenth birthday, Massimo officially adopts Alberto. It was already well known that Alberto was like a son to Massimo and everyone considered him part of the Marcovaldo family, but now he no longer shared the last name of his abusive birth father. He was Alberto Marcovaldo, Master of the Sea! Alberto Marcovaldo, Savior of the Beach! And, most importantly, Alberto Marcovaldo, Son of Massimo and Brother of Giulia! He was finally part of a real family and, honestly, good luck topping a birthday present like that.

When he and Luca finally get married, he will become Alberto Paguro-Marcovaldo! A mouthful, maybe, but Luca Paguro-Marcovaldo will never get over the way he says it with such pride.

Luca’s pet names for him include cheesy things like “bello”, “caro”, and “amante”, but Luca’s favorite by far and the one that embarrasses Alberto the most is absolutely “Girolamo Trombetta” [from what i’ve heard it sorta means “twisty trumpet”].

Luca visits Alberto very frequently while he’s doing his lifeguard thing and one summer a group of younger kids overheard Luca calling Alberto “bello” and they just assumed that was his name so they started calling him “Signor Bello” and Alberto doesn’t know how to tell them to stop calling him “Mr. Handsome” and Luca’s over-amusement at the situation isn’t really helping, caro.

He and Luca can both lift each other up. Luca may be a chunky lad now, but Alberto is a big strong fisherman who can easily carry his boyfriend wherever he wants to go. for like a few minutes. Luca, on the other hand, may not be as strong as Alberto, but Alberto is surprisingly light for his size (he’s very aerodynamic), so Luca can hold him fairly easily and has been known to just lift him up and carry him away if Alberto is being disagreeable. Alberto’s favorite thing to do, though, is to sit in Luca’s lap while he cradles him like a baby. They look pretty ridiculous, a six-foot-something tall man being held oh-so-dearly by his 5’6ish tall lover, but Alberto feels so loved and comforted that there’s no way he could ever care.

In fish form, Alberto also loves to wrap his entire body around Luca like a big eel. Luca likes this, of course, but sometimes Alberto doesn’t realize how strong he is and Luca feels more like his prey than his boyfriend.

He does not brush his teeth as often as Luca would like. He also doesn’t bathe as frequently as he should, but that bothers Giulia more than it does Luca. Sea monsters have their own version of teeth cleaning, but they don’t really ever take showers or bathe like humans do. (Translation: Luca is GROSS and likes his stinky boyfriend’s stinky smell.)

Alberto goes back and forth on whether or not he should grow facial hair. On one hand, the man he looks up to the most in his life, Massimo, has a pretty righteous mustache that makes him look cool and rugged. But on the other hand, he is absolutely terrified that Luca will remember that one time he called Ercole a catfish because of his sad little whiskers and he doesn’t want Luca to think he has sad little catfish whiskers and if Giulia ever made that connection he would never hear the end of it so it takes him some time before he finally decides to keep a short, neatly trimmed mustache that makes him look suave and cool and basically like Robin Hood [Marcello Mastroianni maybe??] and DEFINITELY not like a catfish, Giulia. Luca thinks it makes Alberto look very handsome and he likes the way it tickles his face when they kiss (he’s very supportive).

Author’s Note: I don’t like it. I don’t think he looks good. I hate it actually but it’s What. Makes. Sense. He canonically tries to imitate Massimo and he’s a gay man in the 70’s of COURSE he would have a mustache.

He stays taller than Luca and thankfully his sister as well. Unfortunately, Giulia becomes an absolute beefcake so any power he held over her by being tall is immediately neutralized by the fact that she’s stronger than him. She’s only a bit taller than Luca (ok she’s maybe 5’8ish? {im 5’1 don’t ask me about heights 😖}), but c’mon, have you seen her father?

Giulia Marcovaldo

As was stated, she obviously grows up to be an absolute beast like her father. She gets her red hair and spunk from her mother and everything else? that’s her dad. Her hair is also almost always tied back in some poofy ponytail or messy bun. Eventually, though, she will decide to cut it to nearly pixie cut length because 1. it was getting out of control and her shorter hair is much more practical and comfortable and 2. Alberto was growing his hair out, too.

She ABSOLUTELY inherits her father’s eyebrows, of COURSE she does.

She definitely becomes an activist later in life. Her whole “evil empire of injustice” thing? The fact that it’s the 70’s now? How she immediately accepted Luca and Alberto and tried to protect them when she realized they were gay sea monsters? Yeah, you’ll be seeing her at quite a few marches and rallies, that’s for sure.

I’m still not entirely sure what I want her job to be, though. I like the idea of her as some kind of athlete, but there are so many other good choices as well. I’m not sure if she goes to college. Luca definitely does, but I don’t know about Giulia. For now, I’m fine with her becoming an Olympic triathlete and fierce gay rights activist on the side. Those might interfere. Sports are all about publicity, after all. Maybe that would make for some interesting character conflicts, who knows? (Edit: Nah, marine biologist Giulia all the way. Weird girl rights.)

She’s a lesbian, of course, and she has a girlfriend. I don’t know who she is yet, Giulia refuses to tell me.

Luca sometimes joins her when she’s working out. He says he just needs the exercise since he’s spends so much time studying (which is true), but really he wants to gain some arm muscle so he can carry Alberto easier. Giulia doesn’t really care either way and is more than happy to show her friend some exercise techniques.

Y’know, I had a thought the other day. I think Giulia is asexual. No real reason. I just think it fits her well.

I was also thinking that when Giulia grows up she’ll marry a sea monster. Again, no real reason why, I just think it’s fun. Giulia and her sea monster wife will adopt a child, maybe an abandoned sea monster egg, and Luca and Alberto will be uncles. That’s why Giulia should have a child. Luca and Alberto need to be uncles. Anyway, Alberto is always teaching his sea monster niece (why not a girl) how to do sea monster things cause he didn’t get to have that when he was growing up. He’ll growl at her and she’ll growl back and it’s the sweetest most adorable thing in the world, Luca did you see that she growled at me, Alberto’s heart is so full. Giulia is in general very supportive of this, but she does have to draw the line when her brother and two-year-old daughter come into her house with raw fish in their mouths, dripping blood all over the carpet.

Luca isn’t as naturally good with kids as Alberto is (no one is), but whenever his niece needs help with homework he is there to assist. You need someone to explain the laws of thermodynamics to you? On it! Need help with biology homework? Absolutely! Want someone to just ramble off on unrelated topics until you both forget what you were talking about and get very confused? He’s your guy! Giulia’s daughter learns to be kinda cautious about asking Uncle Luca for help with things, but she knows he’s genuinely very knowledgeable and really only wants to help.

I also thought maybe Giulia could become a marine biologist. I couldn’t think of a good reason why, but she hears there are many benefits to it.

Sometimes when Luca and Alberto fall asleep together on the beach (it happens very frequently), Giulia likes to play a game that she has affectionately coined “Beached Whales” where she screams “BEACHED WHALES!” and rolls the boys into the sea so that they wake up. Neither Luca nor Alberto really like this game, but eventually they become so accustomed to it that they just don’t wake up anymore.

Luca and Giulia both absolutely adopt each other’s swear words. Luca will see Alberto trip on the same crack in the sidewalk for the third time today and be like “Santa mozzarella, my boyfriend is an idiot…” and Giulia will be painting her nails and spill some on her already horribly stained carpet and be like “Ah, sharks.”

She and Luca are the type of friends that are so close that, if you didn’t know any better, you’d think they are married. They are, just not to each other (L: Well actually, there was that one time… A: exCUSE ME?!?!???). Luca is gay (Albertosexual, to be precise) and Giulia is an asexual lesbian, so obviously there’s nothing going on between them, but they still occasionally blur the line between friendship and romance juuust enough for Alberto to get a little worried.

Luca and Giulia: *kissing each other’s cheeks, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, etc.*

Alberto: *slightly panicked* Hey Luca, we’re still married right??

(Author’s Note: yes obviously he has nothing to worry about, Luca is just extremely affectionate like that. also i just think it’s funny to think about.)

Luca’s nicknames for her include “GIULI-IULI-IULIAAA!!!” (when he’s really excited), “Giulietta” (a classic), and “amica del cuore” (cause he’s a big softie). Alberto’s nicknames for her are “Giulie”, “Gi”, “sorellina”, and if he’s looking to get his tail fin ripped off “Spewlia”.

(Also: this is pretty much how i’m picturing them all. and this is just an incredibly beautiful and sweet piece of fanart as well <3)

#luca #luberto #luca paguro #alberto scorfano #giulia marcovaldo #pixar luca #alberca #luca x alberto #Tails from the Notes App #Uwuca 🐟#woo-hoo here we go boys!#i saw that new trailer and was like ‘shit i don’t wanna have to backpedal any of this’ so ur getting it now before i’m proven wrong #or right!! either way i just wanna get this all out there #also i first watched Luca at a sleepover with my two best friends and that was the most perfect way to watch the movie i highly recommend it #also also jsyk i wrote these like MONTHS ago so some of my headcanons have shifted a bit since then (dad bod Alberto RIGHTS)#but i still like the majority of ‘em and i don’t feel like changing anything #and lastly JESUS FUCK that’s the longest post i’ve ever written #actually also fuck tumblr’s post format entirely this shit took forever to edit and it’s still practically unreadable #my writing

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iivindeadboy · 3 years

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also the fact that im so so incredibly obsessed with luca my therapist reccommended i write a fanfic about them dealing with my issues as a way to cope

#pixar luca #that isnt some madeup thing for tumblr liked #we incorporate pop culture in things because thats the best way i respond yo his advice and such #and i wouldnt shut up about luca so he asked what i do while watching the movie and i was like i just consume all content of it #fanfics and fanart and everything #and he was like maybe you could write about one of the characters going through what youre going through?#and i was like oh my god thats the best idea ive ever heard

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4c1d-5p1ll · 3 years

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0K4Y,,, 1 KN0W 1M 4 SC3N3 4327H371C 8L0G 8UUUUUUU7,,,,, LUCA 12 7H3 21NGL3 8327 M0V13 1 H4V3 3V3R W47CH3D T^T PR3P4R3 F0R 4 2P4M

#translation: okay i know im a scene aesthetic blog buuuuuuuut luca is the best movie i have ever watched T^T prepare for a spam #pixar luca

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kylesvariouslistsandstuff · 1 year

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TOY STORY 5, ZOOTOPIA 2, and FROZEN 3 Oh My!

So that's where we're at, huh?

Disney recently did an earnings call, where these surprise sequels are usually first announced. That's where, in 2014, we first heard of TOY STORY 4, CARS 3, and INCREDIBLES 2 all happening at Pixar... And in 2015, when they announced that FROZEN II was a thing happening at Walt Disney Animation Studios... Not-sequel animated features, they save for elsewhere: D23, announcements in the trades, etc.

Time for some unorganized thoughts!

TOY STORY 5...

Well, that's a real bomb drop right there...

Even though TOY STORY 4, at least to those who liked the film like I did, was arguably a firm conclusion to the story... Maybe it's a firm conclusion to Woody's story, much like how TOY STORY 3 was to the toys' lives in Andy's room... Maybe TOY STORY 5, following Buzz Lightyear and the Bonnie's room gang, will be about the end of *their* story? It feels kind of wrong to me... Especially since Don Rickles has not been with us since 2017. Mr. Potato Head's few lines in TOY STORY 4 were a pieced-together zombie performance from lines recorded for the first three movies... Either that, or they just follow Woody and Bo Peep as vagabond lost toys... Also, Estelle Harris, the voice of Mrs. Potato Head, is not with us. But, like... Honestly, how much longer can you stretch this? I would've preferred if LIGHTYEAR had done well and had gotten a small series of spacebound adventure movies. To me, that was the best way to continue this franchise without having to make another TOY STORY movie proper... But you can't have everything I suppose, haha. I'm surprised this is their next big sequel announcement, and not something like... Say... LUCA 2 or whatever. (Hey, it is a possibility.) Heck, at this point, A BUG'S LIFE 2 wouldn't be too farfetched. Pixar made sequels to movies where some of the cast had passed away (CARS with Paul Newman and George Carlin, TOY STORY 3 happened after Jim Varney's passing), so... they could possibly make that movie if they wanted to.

These announcements are usually vague anyways, so who knows... Maybe it's just 90 minutes of Ducky & Bunny. That would be funny. Key and Peele spearheading a wacky TOY STORY spin-off where they just kabitz and goof around, I mean... What else could they possibly spin off? They won't be doing a WOODY'S ROUNDUP-style Western, for sure. LIGHTYEAR lost money and proved to be divisive. So much to think about, so much to ask... Who is even directing/writing? Lee Unkrich retired, Pete Docter is CCO of Pixar and is likely too busy to direct this (he was already working on SOUL before he was named CCO, and that's likely the last film he'll direct), Josh Cooley isn't at Pixar either. Andrew Stanton is off trying to get live-action movies off the ground, but I assume he'll at least contribute to the story/script, ditto Docter... It's all so weird.

Capitalism, ya know? If characters are beloved and your latest sequel makes over a billion at the worldwide box office, you bet 'yer behind it's getting another installment. The wheels keep turning. STAR WARS went on without George Lucas, etc. Maybe a reinvention is in order? Whose to say we can't follow *other* toys that are alive in this setting? I haven't seen LOST OLLIE yet, but it shows there are other ways to tell the "toys come to life" kind of story in a post-TOY STORY age. TOY STORY 5 doesn't have to be about Woody or Buzz or anyone we've met in the series on screen over the past 28 years. What about the humans themselves? What's Andy up to as a college student? Where did Al McWhiggin pursue after he got his comeuppance at the end of TOY STORY 2? (There was a sketch made during the making of TOY STORY 3 indicating that the toys at one point would've visited Al's Toy Barn, now known as Hal's Toy Barn. Under new management.)

TOY STORY 5 would mark the second-ever American animated movie series to reach five mainline *theatrical* movies, not counting spin-offs. (DESPICABLE ME is at five, soon to be six. SHREK is at six because of the two PUSS IN BOOTS movies.) The first ever was ICE AGE, whose fifth installment, COLLISION COURSE, came out and made enough money in 2016. I think Disney, since they shuttered Blue Sky, will just keep that franchise going as a Disney+ thing. After all, that BUCK WILD movie exists. Back to the fifth mainline movies... SHREK will be next, whenever SHREK PLEADS THE FIFTH bows...

On the Walt Disney Animation Studios front, FROZEN III was always a given. What it could be about, I don't know. Anna and Elsa, similarly, went their separate ways at the end of the sequel... Though travel is a thing, so... Again, I don't know what to add. I quite enjoyed FROZEN II and felt it was an improvement over the original, so yeah... FROZEN III, do whatever. Makes coin, helps fund original movies, it's all good and... Ahem, cool. When does it come out, anyways? Next year after WISH? FROZEN II will turn five that season. WDAS is doing one a year every Thanksgiving from here on out, so it could be one of the 2025 or 2026 releases, too. One of those "Untitled Disney" placeholders for live-action/CGI tech demo movies could go to a WDAS as well, if they want to get a sequel and an original out in a calendar year.

ZOOTOPIA 2 was a given as well, even if it has been a while since the original bowed in the late winter of 2016. I love the detailed and carefully-crafted world that Byron Howard, Rich Moore and the film crew created. ZOOTOPIA was an on-the-move 48 hours adventure, so we didn't get to see all of that big metropolis. ZOOTOPIA+, the Disney+ midquel series, showed us a little bit more, which was nice... But now a whole other movie? NOICE! I wonder if it'll work in elements from scrapped earlier versions of the movie... When it was known as SAVAGE SEAS/SAVAGE CITY, and was more of a James Bond-inspired movie. I think that's the logical next step, honestly, for Nick and Judy. From cops to spies. Especially in a day and age of us being more informed and aware of what the real-life police have done. That 1st movie is in some hot water now. Without getting too political, I'll leave this at "I'm curious to see what they'll do"...

That could also be a 2025/2026 release... Some 9-10 years after the first movie came out. Who directs? Does Byron Howard return, now that ENCANTO is done and out of the way? Co-director Jared Bush confirmed on twitter that he's still involved. Was it given to someone else?

For anyone not in the know on how animation works, the question would be "why'd they wait 10 years to make ZOOTOPIA 2?"... Animation takes a long time, originals and these sequels have to co-exist, but time is time... and maybe WDAS should consider upping that recently-opened Vancouver studio (who are currently at work on the MOANA Disney+ series) to feature-making status? Much like how the Orlando unit in the '90s and early '00s started doing whole features with MULAN and went on to make LILO & STITCH and BROTHER BEAR before their unfortunate shutdown? Again, Disney locked a bunch of placeholder dates for different movies... Whose to say WDAS can't up the load and release two movies in, say, 2025 or 2026? Why not two in the year Pixar does only one new movie?

So yes, this is all so very, very wild... In addition to the company marking WDAS and Pixar releases dates from 2024-2026 weeks ago, we now know that... TOY STORY 5, FROZEN III, and ZOOTOPIA 2 are all happening. I have *several* questions about TOY STORY 5, I look forward to seeing what Anna and Elsa are up to next time around, and I'm totally game for ZOO2PIA...

#zootopia 2 #zootopia #toy story 5 #toy story #walt disney animation studios #disney animation #pixar #sequels #animated movie news #animation #opinions #unorganized thoughts

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thechampagnelovers · 3 years

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Luca was the most ghibli movie pixar has ever made and I mean it in the best way possible

#I am obsessed #luca #pixar luca

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by-any-other-games · 3 years

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okay, luca time:

this movie is so so good

i watched raya a bit ago, and wasn’t like, amazed, it was fine. acceptable movie, 7.5/10

so that was what i was expecting when my wife and i chose to watch this, standard disney/pixar movie, but not at all

spoilers ahead for luca

so the first act is mostly just luca and alberto goofing about, building their fake vespas, disobeying parents, and having a good time, its here where their relationship is established, their boundaries defined, and the audience falls in love with their dynamic.

look at these goofballs

gotta love em

the 2nd act gets shaken up with the introduction of the town and giulia and the race, they end up living w giulia for a bit, they both train, luca with a bike, and alberto with a fork. over the course of the weeks(?) they spend there, luca learns how much he likes to learn stuff, about planets and stars and stuff, and alberto ends up getting some hints of father and son experience with giulias dad. but it all gets shaken up when alberto becomes jealous of luca for spending so much time with giulia. this climaxes when luca calls alberto a sea monster in order to keep his own cover

i promise im getting to the actual analysis i just gotta summarize first

the third act starts with their relationship in tatters, but luca tries his best to repair it regardless, he goes to the island where they met, to find alberto sulking, he says some stuff, and tries to remind him about how they became freinds and always would be, etc. luca starts the race, finishes it and wins, but it rains and they both get revealed as mer-people (did they ever use a word besides sea monster?)

luca goes to school w giulia, alberto moves in with massimo (giulias dad), and people live in harmony on the surface and the sea. nice good ending

the whole thing encircles a coming of age story, but never quite gets there (this is a complement) there is no loss of innocence, no stepping up to be an adult, nothing like that,

luca and alberto keep their childhood intact, despite dealing with the obstacles, emotional and physical that their situation creates, they never stop laughing, never let go of the awe that they see everywhere they go

the whole thing kinda reminded me of a separate peace, a book which i havent read since highschool, but after a quick google, i think im right: two younger boys become freinds, some betrayal happens, they become better freinds, but then one dies (parallels kinda end just before that).

but what im really here to analyze is how this movie depicts masculinity and intimacy

luca and alberto are amazing freinds, some argue more than freinds, the director says otherwise, but author’s dead bucko. the director did have some good thoughts tho, so ill mention them: he wanted this to be a movie set before the confusion of hormones and boyfriends and girlfriends starts to almost taint that childhood simplicity and joy, (he totally succeeded w that)

but he forgot one thing: you dont need to have gone through puberty to know what love feels like. while the twos’ relationship might be purely platonic, whats the difference at that age anyways? the care and thought that these two have for one another is astronomically beyond anything that two ‘traditionally masculine’ protagonists might share with one another

literally the only other example i can think of is lord of the rings (cry with your bros more often)

in the end, alberto ends up selling his vespa to buy a train ticket for luca, so he can go to school, which gives us this heart wrenching scene

and my favorite through out this sequence is that last one, the island where alberto lived alone, the island where they played together, the island where they became freinds, the beginning of their story, a literal light in the heart of the storm,

luca watches that go by while hanging out of the train, watching alberto disappear around the corner. he sees a rock, something he knows and loves, something to keep him company while he journeys in to the frightening new world of school, the city and the unknown. while his childhood is not over yet, that doesn’t mean it will be free of trials. but he knows that alberto will always be there for him, through letters and phone calls, they definitely keep in touch, and they definitely stay freinds. (maybe more)

whether or not the two do feel romantic love is kinda beside the point i think, because regardless of that, they do love one another. and their experiences during this summer they had together only showed them that love is always worth feeling.

#love #pixar luca #luca #analysis #i love overanalyzing #go watch this movie #gifs #theosthoughts #everything

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bao3bei4 · 3 years

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what is going on in pixar cars: a manifesto

so this series of essays on pixar cars trilogy was umm. basically the first thing i wrote for fun! it’s very sentimental to me for that reason. i wrote it back in october 2018 :) but a lot of my friends have been talking about cars lately! so i thought i’d unearth these for public consumption. okay have fun :)

Chapter 1: Sally Is a Cougar

Sally is a cougar.

Lightning McQueen is an up-and-coming rookie in his debut season when we meet him in the original Cars movie. On the other hand, Sally Carrera, his love interest, has had time to go to college, graduate college, go to law school, graduate law school, achieve success as a lawyer, become disillusioned with said success, amass enough earnings that she could move away from Los Angeles, purchase a motel, renovate a motel, and become a respected community member.

She’s a rich older woman looking for a boy toy, and boy, did she ever ﬁnd one.

Further evidence:

ON MCQUEEN’S AGE:

The rookie sensation came into the season unknown...

ON CARRERA’S AGE:

Carrera: Well, it’s really pretty simple. I was an attorney in LA livin’ life in the fast lane, and—

McQueen: Oh, you were, were you? Were you rich?

[...]

Carrera: Yeah, okay. Well, that was my life.

Chapter 2: Auto Bodies 101

Car biology is a wild subject. So, let’s talk about a couple pressing questions.

First up, the question of car sentience: where does intelligence reside in a car?

The easiest answer to this is in the engine; after all, what separates Mack from the trailer he pulls Lightning McQueen inside? But this is complicated. In Cars 2, Miguel Camino “has blown an engine!” Clearly, then, catastrophic damage to car engines can occur without fatal repercussions.

Cars 2 delves deepest into car biology, and the case of Sir Miles Axlerod proves most illustrative. Tow Mater comments, in reference to a picture of Axlerod’s engine, “See how he’s had most of his parts replaced? And see all them boxes over there? Them’s all original parts.” Axlerod also comments in a later scene that he “can replace an engine block.”

This is a pretty unambiguous reference to that classic philosophy thought experiment, the Ship of Theseus, in which the question is posed: if a ship slowly rots and has its parts replaced over time until it no longer is constituted of its original parts, is it still the same object? Then, if the original parts are saved, later repaired somehow, and the ship reconstructed, is this ship the original?

While this perhaps diverts overly into car metaphysics, the problem here is far more biological than for the cars’ human counterparts: where can car intelligence reside that allows for sentient continuity amid dramatic repairs? More troublingly, are cars just the sum of their parts?

Cars 3 makes clear, however, that one cannot completely overhaul oneself. The movie traces McQueen’s inevitable decline as a racer as newer and more modern cars overtake him. Doc Hudson’s backstory, revealed in Cars reinforces this: Hudson, after a traumatic crash, took a leave of absence during which he “ﬁnally got put together,” and upon his return, was already obsolete.

Clearly there is some intrinsic “carness” (a car essence, so to speak) to each that does not allow for a true transcarism—a car variant of transhumanism—and cars are indeed constrained on some indeterminate level by their biology. They are not truly modular. It could also easily be some social taboo, but the process of car creation described in Cars 2 suggests otherwise.

Chapter 3: On the Origins of Cars

Car reproduction is best not thought about. Nonetheless, Agent Holley Shiftwell in Cars 2, in reference to Axlerod’s “aluminum V8 with a Lucas electrical system and Whitworth bolts,” describes it as “standard in seven models over a 12-year period. At least 35,000 cars were made with this engine.” These lines have staggering implications.

First, and most obviously, this implies cars are made and designed, rather than born naturally. Who is making cars? Who made the ﬁrst car? That cars must necessarily have had a creator lends credence to the theory that Cars takes place in a post-apocalyptic setting wherein cars are all that remain of human society. (This also helps put to rest the unfortunate implications of the Cars movies that Cars history has in any way mirrored real history via the existence of the Popemobile as religious figure.) But on a purely textual level, this question is unanswered and the existence of intelligent car design is taken for granted.

Secondly, it hints at immense scale to the world. For merchandising reasons, even the ensemble cast of Cars is diverse in make and model. Many are not even an identiﬁable single existing car, but an amalgamation of many to create the desired effect by the animators. Therefore, this also unsettlingly implies that the cars of Cars have upwards of 400 doppelgangers created a year—more, likely, as the car models described by Shiftwell were unlikely to achieve mass manufacture having “one of the worst engines ever made.”

Thirdly, this vastly complicates the existence of car children. Car children are shown throughout the Cars movies in crowds, with a young fan of McQueen (and later Cruz Ramirez) in Cars 3 most prominently displayed. If cars are manufactured, does that mean that they are manufactured to physically grow? Or have that car’s “parents” commissioned a designer baby to stay forever young, or perhaps to be laboriously updated?

Cars most certainly do age, as shown by the aging racers of Cars 3, but it is unclear if they physically age, or are simply made obsolete by technological progress. In Cars, the cast contains a multitude of cars manufactured from the ‘50s on, but only one truly old car: Lizzie, a 1923 Model T. She is a widow, her former husband the now deceased founder of Radiator Springs. She is clearly experiencing some degree of senility, further compounding the thorny question of car intelligence, but more relevantly, is clearly affected by the ravages of time beyond simply being less advanced in design.

Despite this hint, Cars movies boldly leave this question answered too.

Also, this means that when McQueen is revealed to have a tongue in Cars, someone, in universe, designed him that way for reasons as of yet unknown.

Chapter 4: Eugenics and You

Yeah. So.

Shiftwell’s observation is made supremely sinister by Axlerod’s motivation in Cars 2. In a villainous monologue (not dissimilar to this essay), Axlerod states:

The world turned their backs on cars like us. They stopped manufacturing us, stopped making our parts. The only thing they haven’t stopped doing is laughing at us.

Huh!??!

Axelrod asserts, and is never contradicted that the Cars universe practices car eugenics. Shiftwell, in fact, validates this claim: “Everyone involved in this plot is one of history’s biggest loser cars.” Certain models of cars are considered history’s biggest losers by virtue of their manufacture, by a government employee, no less.

These cars were manufactured, for over a decade, with inferior non-standard parts, (As Mater complains, “Shoot, them Whitworth bolts is a pain, tell you what. Them ain’t metric, they ain’t inches...”), until they’re phased out, and it’s their fault? Who is manufacturing them?

Moreover, and most ethically abhorrently, Axlerod’s claim that the nebulous “they” had “stopped making our parts” is also completely true. Mater comments that Axlerod’s multitude of replacement parts “ain’t easy to come by,” and Shiftwell conﬁrms this, noting that these are “rare parts.”

These cars not only were created with inferior parts, but shunned by society, the parts they require to live discontinued and then exorbitantly priced. Is Axlerod still a terrorist if he has a point?

Chapter 5: The L-Word

The luxury cars that make up the majority of the Cars movies’ cast are unconcerned with the plight of Cars 2’s antagonists. Axlerod lists the “terrible names” that he and his peers have been called by mainstream car society:

Jalopy. Rustbucket. Heap. Clunker. Junker, beater, wreck. Rattletrap... [dramatically] Lemon.

Out of these slurs and denigrations, the only one actually used by the onscreen characters is the one Axlerod views as most heinous: “lemon.”

Its ﬁrst appearance is in Cars, used by Lizzie, where she derisively calls Ramone a lemon. However, Lizzie’s name is canonically derived from “Tin Lizzie,” a euphemism for a lemon itself. It is unclear, therefore, whether Lizzie’s usage is a holdover of politically incorrect language in a relic of a car, or the jocular jab of a car who has come to terms with societal prejudice against her over her long life.

Cars 2, the movie most concerned with this uniquely car prejudice, contains the most use of “lemon.” Otis, a “broken-down sedan” is the ﬁrst to introduce the term to the ﬁlm, calling himself a lemon for his leaky gaskets after needing to be towed for the tenth time that month. He tells Mater, “You’re the only one that’s nice to lemons like me.”

This is a highly revealing line. Radiator Springs, the site of Cars, a movie about tolerance and acceptance, is actually a hotbed of car-racism. Otis completely unironically uses the language of his oppressor, having internalized his ostracization from the sleepy town. This is also important because it clearly sets up Mater, while run-down himself, as not a lemon.

Mater’s kindness, while set up in opposition to the entire town of Radiator Springs, is only as deep as his business interests. After all, he is the one who introduces the derogatory term to Agents Shiftwell and Finn McMissile, deﬁning it as “Cars that don’t ever work right.” He immediately contextualizes this judgment: “Lemons is a tow truck’s bread and butter.”

Mater is kind to Otis not out of compassion or empathy, but on a purely ﬁnancial basis: Otis, as one of the few lemons of Radiator Springs, is integral to his continued business. The minute Otis is offscreen, Mater demonstrates greater solidarity with the interests of non-lemon cars and teaches them the alienating language used to demarcate lemons as inadequate and perpetually “other.”

Moreover, Mater, with a thin disguise, inﬁltrates the lemons’ meeting on the spies’ behalf to learn that the lemons themselves are reclaiming this language, rallying under the idea that “their insults just give us strength,” that they will be needed, that they will ﬁnally be respected, and can live with their hoods held high—all with control of the world’s oil reserves, another deceptively heavy plot point.

But Mater responds to this, when his disguise is exposed and he is cornered by lemon mobsters, with trite platitudes—“I know what you’re going through. Everyone’s been laughing at me my whole life too, but becoming powerful and rich beyond your wildest dreams ain’t gonna make you feel better”—completely missing the point that the power and wealth is a means to an end: commanding dignity, respect, and the ability to pay for healthcare (albeit a means co-opted by a rogue capitalist).

Mater so dramatically misses the point here because he’s determined to conﬂate his own ineptitude with the societal oppression that he himself perpetuates and proﬁts from. Without lemons, does Mater have a business? Mater is parasitic, and so needs to maintain the status quo, hence his continued alliance with the state and able-bodied cars.

Ultimately, like Rod Redline, Mater is able to drop his lemonface—and limited empathy with lemons—he, after all, “was just wearing a disguise. You guys are stuck looking like that.”

Chapter 6: Fender Gender

Another bafﬂing part of the Cars universe is car gender. Cars clearly shows that cars self-segregate into car bathrooms. But what basis do cars have for gender, let alone one that even sort of approaches human conception of gender?

Cars are not born “naturally”, so they have no real need for sexual dimorphism, especially as the only visible signiﬁers of gender are eyelashes and voice. Yet the divisions are still rigid in pronoun usage, in gender expression, and in sexuality.

It’s also unclear what sociohistorical justiﬁcation there was for the establishment of car sexism, but it exists nonetheless. Louise “Barnstormer” Nash, contemporary of Doc Hudson, describes how, when she started racing, “The fellas in charge didn’t like the idea of a lady racer showing them up, so they wouldn’t let [her].” Nash details how she stole one, and never took no for answer, then asks River Scott if he agrees.

He does.

For that matter, Scott, while never explicitly given a race, from this exchange and by virtue of his voice actor Isiah Whitlock Jr, is coded as black. Therefore, there’s also car actual racism in addition to distinct car-based racism. Lit.

At any rate, Scott explains that “if we waited for an invitation, we might have never raced,” thus highlighting the necessity of their civil disobedience to integrate the track, which is excellent praxis for a children’s movie. But even all these years later, however, the cars are mostly male, for whatever male actually means to the cars, and Cruz Ramirez is an anomaly.

She confesses that at her ﬁrst race:

I didn’t belong. The other racers looked nothing like me. They were bigger and stronger and so conﬁdent and when they started their engines? That was it.

While Cars 3 deliberately depoliticizes the nature of this lack of belonging, Ramirez is explicitly car-Hispanic (whatever that means) and the ﬁrst signiﬁcant female car to exist independently of a love interest. Her experience is immediately juxtaposed against McQueen’s.

Ramirez asks him, “What was it like for you when you showed up to your ﬁrst race? How did you know you could do it?”

McQueen’s response is telling: “I don’t know; I just never thought I couldn’t.” So if you ever wanted conﬁrmation McQueen is a white guy? There you go.

(Mater’s conﬁrmation is that in Cars 2, he gets away with an attempted suicide bombing. That’s not a joke. He literally corners a billionaire, about to explode, wearing a live bomb in an attempt to coerce him into submission. He’s then knighted.

Cars 2 boldly highlights how any violence can be apolitical and legitimate if you’re white and committing it on behalf of the state.)

While Cars 3 refuses to outright state the reason for the pushback against Ramirez—it distills it down to “She’s a trainer! Not a racer!” and “You don’t belong here” and “costume girl”—it’s not an accident that the cars around her cast her as support staff, as an imposter, and as a “girl.”

McQueen in Cars falls into easy chauvinism with respectto his love interest Sally Carrera as well. While he recognizes her as an attorney, he immediately tells her: “Yeah, your job’s pretty easy today. All you have to do now is stand there and let me look at you. Listen, I’m gonna cut to the chase. Me, you, dinner.”

Racing, as in real life, turns out to be shitty to women.

And while McQueen ultimately grows beyond his courtroom proposition, how much of it is due to the fact that Carrera—for the rest of the franchise—does end up just “stand[ing] there”?

Chapter 7: The Piston Cup

There’s an odd tension running through the Cars movies between the series’ reactionary language and setting and its commitment to blurring certain lines.

Cars’ idyllic southwest small town setting (that somehow doesn’t have any non-white cars until Cars 3) clashes with McQueen, the “city boy.” McQueen abandons his decadent liberal elite ways and realizes the joy of simple, humble country living or other such blatant conservative propaganda.

Sally, who herself left fast-paced Los Angeles life for Radiator Springs, explains the history and appeal of the sleepy town, claiming the town’s economic fate is due to being “bypassed” by modern development and the new interstate, a clear metaphor for globalization and, dare I say, economic anxiety. Cars (2006) was before its time.

Sally bemoans the plight of her adopted home and idealizes it as a rustic throwback, ignoring car colonialism and the unfortunate romanticization of the Old West. Sally, our former high-powered HBIC, unironically sighes, “The world was different” then, bemoaning that things just quite aren’t what they used to be.

Nonetheless, there’s a certain raw sexuality shot through this children’s movie franchise. Speaking generally, Lightning McQueen’s name alone speaks to his subversive potential. Much of the naming in the series follows in this vein.

Consider the following car names:

Lightning McQueen

Jackson Storm

Strip “The King” Weathers

Brent Mustangburger

The Fabulous Hudson Hornet

Tex Dinoco

Rod “Torque” Redline

Luigi

Lightning as his ﬁrst name suggests an inherent virility and masculinity to natural phenomena of the “Mother” Earth, radically eliminating heterosexuality from his sexually charged (pun) name. However, his last name is the most obviously suggestive. “McQueen” is a corporate—Disneyﬁed, if you will—take on queen, long used to refer to gay men.

To elaborate, the addition of “Mc–” makes it more palatable to mainstream America in the following respects: it modiﬁes “Queen” to be more familiar to capitalist and democratic America, in its association with the McDonald’s franchise, a longtime stooge of Disney; it is another step removed from making the vehicular protagonist a “drag” Queen; the preﬁx codes McQueen as unambiguously white (likely Irish).

But beyond this, on a textual level, a queer reading of Cars proves illuminating. The intrusion of McQueen into a dusty throwback town in the middle of nowhere is suggestive of the perceived “intrusion” of real life LGBTQ people into mainstream America. Thematically speaking, the call coming from inside the house is not very heterosexual.

McQueen is basically called out—ahead of his time—for being a coastal elite, for being ﬂamboyant, for not understanding their simple rural ways, as commented on above.

Sally represents the hegemonic heterosexuality to which McQueen must succumb (“settle down”) for acceptance into Radiator Springs. She functions as his beard. But interestingly enough, Sally herself resists easy feminine characterization, having been associated with androgyny through every step of the design process.

Ultimately in their chase for sleek feminine lines, Pixar traveled far into traditionally masculine territory. Here’s Cars art director Jay Ward on Sally:

The original Sally was a Mustang, because we thought about the song “Mustang Sally.” The problem with the Mustang is, it has a very thick grille in the front that looks like a mustache on a female car. People say, “Why did you guys use a Porsche for Sally? That’s kind of a guy car.” A Porsche has a rear engine and no radiator grille in front, perfectly smooth, like you want a female shape to be.

Ward’s descriptions displays the tension real life cars experience between being signiﬁers of masculinity (in the macho drive for power and technical prowess) while being objects of male desire and ownership (how does a car handle?).

This tension is, incidentally, the actual source of the undoubtedly unintentional homoeroticism above. I am perfectly aware that most names in Cars are references to the names of real life cars and drivers.

Hot take: Cars is homoerotic because cars are.

This complication carries over to the movies and McQueen’s troubled relationship with masculinity. McQueen opens two out of three movies with his monologue, “Speed. I am speed...” and Cars 2, the movie that begins without it, still includes the iconic speech elsewhere.

This reinforcement of his body, his ability, his prowess, borders on delusional. McQueen doesn’t leave this speech behind in Cars, even as he grows into a fully realized adult car, but rather clutches to it as a security blanket in Cars 2’s high stakes races. It isn’t until Cars 3 that he mockingly asks “Did I used to say that?”

Therefore, it isn’t representative of simple immaturity, but rather the character of his masculinity, redirected from pseudo “husband” to pseudo “father” (the function of his masculinity).

But I digress. Nonetheless, McQueen’s sexual drive (pun) is the force behind much of the McQueen persona. To be a male, to possess a male, is inextricably bound up in car culture itself. Look, the plot of Cars makes the dude plow the entire town; what can I say? The absolute dudeliness of it all.

McQueen is the object of female car attention throughout the series, beginning with his fairweather groupies who scream for him wearing matching paint jobs, and continuing into Radiator Springs where the female cars of the town enjoy “watching him work.”

(Interestingly, the only car McQueen ever watches work is Doc Hudson, just a few scenes later, with a distinctly voyeuristic air.)

Even Lizzie gets in on the straight fun, sneaking a good peek at “that sexy hotrod!”

These overt expressions of heterosexuality are at odds with the decidedly not heterosexual ﬁlm at the thematic and aesthetic levels. This familiarity reassures the concerned parent watching along: boy cars like girl cars and vice versa, even though they’re cars who are functionally identical. But that’s Cars: the Gays Are Just Like Us.

Cars 2 is similarly unsubtle. For example, Eddie Izzard is the villain. And she wants revenge for the way society has treated lemons. Disney, in its usual tepid shorthand for civil rights, positions radical liberation as opposed to assimilationist survival tactics, and narratively privileges the latter. This is explicit: the Queen knighting Mater is a direct reward for positioning himself in league with mainstream society by putting down the lemons he turned away in alliance from, and in doing so, he enters the upper echelons of society.

Cars 3 is probably a forceful screed on how heterosexual America has co-opted gay culture, even as it struggles to accommodate its less glamorous parts, with biting commentary on the HIV/AIDS epidemic, trans activism, and intersectionality even as the tension between McQueen and his young sleek rival Jackson Storm ratchets their seething attraction up to the next level.

Cars 3 rebukes the conformity promoted by the earlier ﬁlms, even as it fails to envision an alternative. Paul Newman may have died of lung cancer between ﬁlms, but his character Doc Hudson died of AIDS-related complications. Why? He’s the only aged racer to be dead; his racing persona was ﬂamboyant and purple; Scott and Nash, both trailblazing racers, include him in their comment that, despite their marginalization in the sport, “once we got on the track, we didn’t want to leave, and that’s how Doc felt too.” He’s the Fabulous Hudson Hornet. This chapter should have ended pages ago.

Chapter 8: Auto Bodies 201

Returning to the concept of car intelligence, this time concerned with intelligibility over its physical location, what makes a vehicle a car?

Cars depicts McQueen and Mater participating in the car equivalent of tipping cows—pushing over tractors. In response, the tractors moo plaintively, unable to get up on their own, and are protected by an even larger tractor, which McQueen and Mater have a narrow escape from.

On an intelligent vehicle—henceforth referred to as a car, regardless of its technical classiﬁcation—this would be clear assault. But, in the ﬁlm, is it acceptable because these are “animal” vehicles? Or are McQueen and Mater attacking cars with disabilities? If the former, what differentiates a full car from one deemed subhuman, or rather, subcar?

It’s not wheels—while the tractors, unlike the majority of cars, have three wheels—so too do the forklifts, which are cars. Bessie, the road paver from Cars that McQueen uses to ﬁx the road he damaged, proves an interesting case study.

She has no eyes and cannot speak. Bessie also cannot move under her own power. The only thing she does onscreen is toil endlessly without reward. Yet Cars expanded universe content reveals her to have an anthropomorphized personality beyond simple mechanical function:

Everyone agrees she’s a low maintenance gal, but more than one unsuspecting hitcher has learned her quirks the hard way. Doc likes to say laying asphalt with Bessie is more like dancing than paving. Fill her with kerosene, gravel, and tar, and she’ll produce the most beautiful ribbon of blacktop you’ve ever seen. But be careful! Don’t pull her too fast or get her steamed up. Bessie has two huge buckets of molten tar and she knows how to use them!

Is the basis for carhood utility? That is, are both the tractors and Bessie viewed as tools, rather than cars?

But trucks, in the Cars universe, whether their purpose is pulling (Mack) or towing (Mater)—and forklifts for that matter–are treated as full cars. Both Bessie and trailers cannot move under their own power, but tractors can. A car is clearly more than an assemblage of mechanical parts, but what is the missing piece? The whole concept between more and more unnerving for its lack of internal logic.

The treatment of cars without an able mind or an able body (the lemons) is deeply fucked up. They are excluded from full participation in society; they are assaulted and forced into labor. Disability within the Cars universe functions as an impenetrable barrier to civil society. Cars 2 portrays the lemons’ plight while condemning their struggle, and ultimately, no lemon is ever a main character throughout the entire series.

On a metatextual level, this is because Pixar couldn’t care less about ableism. On a textual one, this is because the Cars universe is so deeply concerned with predestination and ability. Cars, as previously discussed, are designed, not born.

While this is by no means a prerequisite for ableism (e.g. the real world), this is a huge exacerbating factor. Some engines are objectively better than others. Some cars are better than others.

Cars are continually “progressing,” in terms of both form and function. They grow sleeker, more fuel efﬁcient, more powerful. McQueen, once top of the line, becomes obsolete. The car medical system, the mechanics, is always concerned with returning the body to its ideal state, that is, its original. The Cars universe centers its main form of entertainment, racing, which is inherently—and eminently—concerned with the physical performance of the only true purpose of a car, driving.

Disability is an existential challenge to this world order. It must refuse to accommodate them. Why are cars still created with defects, inefﬁciencies, or differing abilities? These are core car fears: that the body is fallible and technological progress illusory. (Well, it’s either that or a subhuman underclass of cars is created for enslavement to exploit their labor, and is that preferable?)

A disabled car is McQueen’s antithesis, and their challenge to his security in his embodiment cannot go unpunished.

Disability reveals that the mechanical body of the car resists “order” nonetheless. Could this represent the human element?

Many cars are voice acted by race car drivers portraying their carsonas, hence the pun names that abound in the series. For instance, Michael Schumacher becomes both car and driver in the series. He is a car that moves himself, that possesses himself, that is the master of himself. Is this representative of the car effort to imitate that unmoved mover, that creator of the ﬁrst car? Who could say :)

Chapter 9: Revolutions Per Minute

We need to talk about Cars 2. There’s one question that must be asked: what?

Seriously, what’s in happening in that movie? It features a car being tortured to death and then exploding onscreen (rest in peace, Redline). What.

Genre aside for the moment—as well as minor nitpicks—the best part of this movie is its jumbled indictment of the oil industry and capitalism in general.

That’s right, the real villain was Big Oil this whole time.

They even needed to make an organized response to the movie in the Wall Street Journal:

“We understand movies need villains but hope people attending, children and adults alike, would come to appreciate the world needs oil as well as alternatives,” Bush says. “The beneﬁts of oil are enormous, and people in the U.S. oil and natural gas industry work extremely hard to provide oil products to Americans.”

Sorry, Bill Bush, spokesman for the American Petroleum Institute, you’re the villain in real life too. But what exactly does Cars 2 have to say about the oil industry?

The plotline is foreshadowed in Cars: Fillmore, the hippie van, tells McQueen the reason he hasn’t heard of Fillmore’s special oil blend before is because “It’s a conspiracy, man! The oil companies got a grip on the government. They’re feeding us a bunch of lies, man!” I mean, that but unironically is both true and the thesis of Cars 2.

Axlerod articulates this problem in an early speech, as he advertises his alternative fuel Allinol:

Big Oil. It costs a fortune. Pollution is getting worse. I mean, come on. It’s a fossil fuel. Fossil. As in dead dinosaurs. And we all know what happened to them. Alternative energy is the future.

There is no credible alternative to fossil fuels in Cars 2, however. Allinol is actually regular gasoline the whole time. It’s just slickly packaged bullshit. We Live in a Society (bottom text). Or, as Sarge pithily puts it, “Once Big Oil, always Big Oil.”

The only reason McQueen doesn’t “explode in a ﬁery inferno” due to using Allinol is because Sarge “switched out that rotgut excuse for alternative fuel with [Fillmore’s] all-natural, sustainable, organic biofuel just because [Sarge] never trusted Axlerod...”

The problem of course, is that Fillmore’s alternative fuel does not exist. One must live entirely outside of the system one wishes to critique, dreaming of an impossible perfect solution. Unsurprisingly, as a children’s movie, Cars 2 prioritizes moral purity above all else. Either that, or they’re a bunch of anarcho-communalists (or both).

Oil is the downfall of the revolutionary lemons, as they end up “sitting on the biggest oil reserve in the world,” with governments from all over the world attempting to inﬁltrate.

The lemons see oil as a means to power, even as it leads into conﬂict with foreign powers. This is an unsubtle parallel to international intervention in resource-rich developing countries. After all, what happens to the oil at the end of the movie?

The lemons don’t get it, because their ringleader is exposed and likely arrested for murder.

Considering that Mater is knighted by the actual Queen of England, it’s highly likely that McMissile was able to seize the oil reserves for Queen and country. Props to the Cars 2 crew for unﬂinchingly portraying the mechanics of neocolonialism and state violence. No one is any closer to alternative fuel, the oppressed lemons are in even worse shape, and Great Britain stole even more from marginalized people.

Let it never be said that Cars 2 is not committed to gritty realism.

Chapter 10: Stock Cars

Some concluding thoughts on genre: how do the genres that Pixar seeks to integrate and reference in their children’s movies interact with the fantastical G-rated setting?

The problem of the car-that-drives-itself complicates calling the Cars movies, well, cars movies. Are they sports movies or car (road) movies? That is, are they movies about drivers as people or movies about the car as location?

The simple answer is that Disney is doing their take on the following: Cars a road movie, Cars 2 a thriller, and Cars 3 a sports movie. and that would be... true. But why and how?

Cars has a preoccupation with location. Radiator Springs is the site by which McQueen is able to interrogate himself, his feelings of alienation, and his struggle with his own masculinity, and journey, both literally and ﬁguratively. This interacts intriguingly with the traditional boys’ movie ﬁxation on emerging masculinity, the erotic, and the complex relationship between actual embodiment, anticipation, and fear (i.e. puberty).

This is context we have built in for cars themselves, as discussed in Chapter 7, but moreover is clearly visible in Doc Hudson’s initiation of McQueen into manhood. However, because it’s an animated children’s movie, it opts to convey this with a frenetic pace and McQueen’s unrepentant childish jackassery.

Thematically, it’s at odds with the adult appeal Pixar folded in for their signature all-ages-approach. After all, children have no nostalgia for the way things used to be; that reactionary theme is all for mom and dad. This is both a movie about moving forward and returning backward, which is, in itself, a decent way to sum up a road trip.

Cars 2, in departing so radically from its predecessor, proved once and for all the appeal of the characters. Even removed from the setting and the conventions of the ﬁrst movie, it still made bank (its box ofﬁce, at $562m, is the highest for any Cars movie). Such is Larry the Cable Guy’s inexorable attractiveness to the youth. This is the movie that opened the ﬂoodgates for the multitude of spinoffs.

Cars 2, however, is a movie bristling with tensions.

It’s a spy movie where the actual suave ladykiller spies are relegated to the sidelines in favor of Larry the Cable Guy. It’s an international globetrotter that responds to foreign cultures with bafﬂement and mockery. It’s cynical of the neoliberal world order as well as any alternatives that are presented. It’s aware of—and thinks of itself as sympathetic to—the untenable race relations of the status quo while simultaneously thwarting attempts to change it as illegitimate and disruptive.

What I’m saying is, it’s a prototypical small town country boy power fantasy.

These contradictions at the heart of this bizarre entry in the Cars canon are necessary. The thriller genre necessitates stakes of some kind. Cars 2 responds with murder, maiming, and torture. It’s still a G-rated movie. Cars 2 responds with its protagonist Mater to maintain stakes but increase levity by having the absolute waste of space be oblivious to them. And so on and so forth. And so Cars 2, tonal whiplash comedy thriller, is created.

Cars 3, in comparison to the other two, is incredibly straightforward. Mike Ryan explains how Cars 3 is Rocky 3 (or at least hits the same narrative beats):

The beach race [the two movies share] aside, it’s about a champ (Rocky/Lightning) losing to a better opponent (Clubber Lang/Jackson Storm) and having to ﬁnd a new trainer (Apollo/Cruz) after his old trainer dies (Mickey/Doc) and having to go back to basics after a new and improved training regimen doesn’t work—then eventually facing that same better opponent once again.

So, it’s a straightforward sports movie that mines its predecessors for inspiration.

Chapter 11: Cruz Control

Cars 3 has an interesting subversion that elevates it beyond a simple anthropomorphic car Rocky tribute ﬁlm, though, in the role reversal of Lightning McQueen and Cruz Ramirez.

This is, in no small part, because Cars 3 is the result of Pixar’s ongoing attempt to take on its “girl problem.” Brenda Chapman, director of Brave, for instance, was originally brought on to ﬁx the unrelenting vapidity that is Cars’ female characters. (She was also ultimately unceremoniously replaced in Brave.)

Despite this clearly being motivated by that sweet, sweet merchandising cash in the wallets of parents of daughters, props for effort.

Why? Because Cars is a series that, up until Cars 3, could have eliminated all its female characters with no narrative repercussions, while being completely unintelligible without its male characters. Cars did not give a shit about women.

It’s about bros, it’s about male friendship and homosocial bonding, it’s about dudes just pal-ing around, driving fast. Cars 3 ﬁnally clues into the existence of the girl demographic, but fails to learn much else.

Cars 3 may be about a girl, but it’s not for girls. Cars 3 is tapping, instead, into the potent narrative force that is dadliness. McQueen becomes a coach-cum-father-ﬁgure. In what may or may not be news to the good team at Pixar, I don’t care about being asked to identify with fathers. This is the same thing that happened that happened with the boys club of video games, and now is happening at the boys’ club that is Pixar: men are having daughters and are making stories about wanting to protect them.

Ramirez isn’t a true Cars protagonist. After all, she doesn’t get a poorly developed love interest she has no real emotional connection with. Moreover, Ramirez, unlike her eminently bro-y predecessors, is never actually wrong. The lesson she learns is that it’s wrong to doubt herself.

You might argue that girls might need different Teachable Moments than boys. This is where the motivation of dadliness becomes relevant, however. The surrogate—or actual, depending on the ﬁlm, game, or book—daughter must never be culpable in her own plight. Maybe there’s a zombie apocalypse, or she’s been abducted after stranger danger online, or she’s been beat down by the haters, in the case of Cars 3. Whatever it is, it’s unimportant and interchangeable.

Even as Pixar becomes more progressive in its Latina (car) protagonist, it’s still regressive. The ﬁlm’s “innovation” of role reversal isn’t quite that new: a young woman telling an older man what to do? That can’t be what she really wants. She just needs her father to show her the error of her newfangled ways and she’ll ﬁnally be able to achieve her childhood dream.

This is unfair. But I’m also so deeply skeptical of the paternalism that characterizes male depictions of female leads in recent years. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this plotline. But in context—in 2018, after years of pitched dadliness; in Pixar, noted boys’ club; in the Cars franchise, noted cesspool of masculinity—is Ramirez that much of a move forward? She deserves to be a Cars protagonist—a real racer, as she’s always wanted—to have the world meet her on her terms. And she doesn’t get that.

To pose an objection: you can’t erase McQueen from the movie! He’s a big deal! Of course Ramirez would be deﬁned in relation to him!

Counterpoint: Cars 2. That was the Mater show, through and through. McQueen was a sidekick.

This is a problem inherited from Cars 3’s inspiration, Rocky 3. In Rocky 3, Rocky is still the main character and still ﬁghts the new champion. In Cars 3, it’s revealed that you volunteered to help others but you were the one who was really helped the whole time.

So McQueen and Ramirez end up co-protagonists. This irrevocably subordinates her character growth to his. This is where the Rocky 3 problem becomes evident: Apollo isn’t really a co-protagonist in Rocky 3.

Therefore, even as Ramirez is theoretically promoted, McQueen’s bloated plotline (containing his dead mentor angst, his fears about aging, his new feelings of parenthood) makes little to no room for her. As a result, both her characterization and her story arc suffer.

Unlike McQueen in Cars or Mater in Cars 2, she can’t be genuinely unlikable or unsympathetic: 1) McQueen needs to like her enough to let her race, 2) she doesn’t have enough screen time for recovery in her underdeveloped character arc, and 3) dadliness. And so, her greatest ﬂaw is her self-doubt.

As noted above, this isn’t an inherently bad idea. But she doesn’t have, like, actual anxiety. It doesn’t really hold her back. She’s shown to legitimately enjoy her training job and to be good at it—she just has a vague sense of unfulﬁllment that most people who aren’t rock stars, sports players, or the unholy combination of the two that racers are in Cars have—and she always is able to perform.

The moral of Cars 3 is that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Which... Okay?

On the beach, her self-doubt doesn’t show up. In the demolition derby, she wins by accident but she wins (for reasons unrelated to self-doubt). When practicing with McQueen in Thomasville, she beats him handily. Her self-doubt doesn’t arrive onscreen until the midnight hour in the ﬁnal stretch of the race, and with a few pithy references, she wins. The only time her fear ever prevents her from doing anything is at some nebulous time in her past that set her down an unglamorous career path.

Each of these events has far greater signiﬁcance for McQueen than for her. This is still McQueen’s ﬁlm, sure, but see Cars 2. The ﬁlm also doesn’t necessarily have to be about Ramirez. She’s a female character who is actually relevant, even integral, to the plot. This is ostensibly what I wanted.

But she’s the ﬁrst big deal female car, and she has... no character arc. This is poor execution.

Much like real women trying to inﬁltrate boys’ clubs, she can’t have any ﬂaws and that’s a shame!

IN CONCLUSION, THE CARS MOVIES AREN’T THAT GOOD, I GUESS.

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NOW: here are a couple of appendices i wrote to the original piece. they’re basically just pitches for cars fanfiction. you can skip them... or NOT!

APPENDIX 1: C 4 R S

So by the unofﬁcial Cars movie pattern (normal movie, batshit movie, normal movie...) , we’re due for a doozy of a movie in the hypothetical Cars 4.

Here are some genres and concepts that it could take on:

POLITICAL THRILLER:

The Queen of England is back, and has credible information on a threat to Car America’s upcoming election. The gang heads on a road trip across the country, with tons of scenery porn and charming local ﬂavor, to secretly protect and investigate the candidates stumping through swing states.

They soon learn they’ve been tossed into a den of wolves with far more happening below the surface. Can any of the candidates be trusted? This installment seriously contends with the series’ reactionary rhetoric, as Mater accidentally becomes President, in a thinly veiled Trump allegory about white America and its fears and desires, as well as the collective declining trust in politics.

HORROR:

Sally’s old friend from Car LA needs someone to house-sit her huge McMansion. However, what she doesn’t tell them is that she’s actually skipping town. There’s a menace on the streets of Car Beverly Hills nicknamed “The Mechanic”, and it already has a body count. What does it want? Money? Chaos? Revenge? But the neighbors aren’t talking, and Sally seems to know more than she’s letting on.

The crew defends the house, as good cars are picked off one by one, with plenty of good ol’ body horror. It’s still G-rated because they’re mechanical! This movie grapples with questions about small town America’s insularity, the fear of the “other” in suburbia, and how exactly cars die in the ﬁrst place.

SUPERNATURAL ROMANCE:

In a strange accident, when out for a drive late one summer evening on Radiator Spring’s backroads, Lightning McQueen returns home... almost 70 years earlier. There, he meets The Fabulous Hudson Hornet: young, angry, and recently sidelined with an injury that may or may not be career-ending. As he struggles to see the man he once respected in the young punk, he begins to see someone entirely new.

Lightning isn’t sure how he’ll get home—or if he even wants to. But as the lies pile up and time ticks on, he needs to decide. This movie delves into the complexity of a crossgenerational relationship (on multiple levels!), the emergence of a gay consciousness in America amid the social mores of the ‘50s, and actually talks about the importance of found family in Cars. (Like, no one has any parents!! Or family! What’s happening?)

SPACE OPERA:

Okay, there’s Planes, there’s Cars, and now? There’s Rockets. The privatization of space travel has accelerated the new space race to dizzying heights—and depths. After a highly public crash, although with no fatalities, Space WreX needs good PR. So they send global racing celebrities Lightning & Co. up for the space gala of the century.

Once in space, though, geopolitical tensions on Earth heat up far above. The race cars are the only ones high-tech enough to pilot the experimental space mecha. It morphs into an Evangelion ripoff aesthetically. This movie grapples with Cars 2’s consistently iffy take on Japan (and generalized orientalism), Hollywood’s love affair with the military and its aesthetics, and the dangers of CS guys who don’t take any liberal arts classes.

APOCALYPSE:

The world is ending because, yknow, Allinol scuttled alternative fuel in the Cars-verse. Global warming doesn’t slow, spiking global temperatures, destroying habitats, and sending global climate refugees all over etc etc. As society begins to collapse, Lightning and his fellow racers ﬁnd themselves the face of all that’s hated on apocalyptic Car Earth: the decadent self-absorbed racers whose glamorous gas guzzling ways doomed us all.

But as the collapse of the world comes with a mysterious plague, the band of survivors in Radiator Springs doesn’t know who to trust. A splinter faction, led by Fillmore and Sarge, who both anticipated the crisis (for very different reasons), emerge as a threat to Lightning & Co.’s hold on the town. Can Radiator Springs survive its last ﬁght?

APPENDIX 2: AU Where Cars 3 Is Good

Welcome to my Cars 3 fanﬁction. Don’t like, don’t read!!!!!!! Canon divergence!!!!

I actually think Cruz’s plotline could be mildly redeemed if she had lost at Thunder Hollow, and big, due to her performance anxiety or whatever we’re calling it. So you get all the exposition as is, but when it’s just Cruz and Miss Fritter?

Cruz: gets wrecked. Lightning is forced to pretend to be a functioning adult for 30 seconds, and has a Serious Talk with her, like “hey Cruz, you were zooming at the beach, having a good time. What’s going on?”

Cruz explains her backstory, this time focusing heavily on her fear of being judged for not being good enough at something she likes. She’s still struggling with imposter syndrome or whatever is canonical (she’s a high achieving WOC in a macho profession; this is an acceptable character detail), but this time it’s going to actually be a legitimate ﬂaw and not totally valid.

At any rate, she’s demoralized; Lightning still comes off as a jerk, but this time his frustrations are more valid and not just an inept bro-y temper tantrum. He also demonstrates a little more initiative than he does in canon. Cruz literally has to beg him to ask about where she’s coming from, which is not a cute look. I mean, go Cars 3 for addressing the fact that Lightning is a major tool, but also, this version of Cars 3 isn’t completely devoted to his manpain.

This version also achieves more in the same timespan. As is, it’s all about him: he’s putting her down due to his inadequacies, he hurts her, and she responds to that hurt. But that’s been their dynamic. He’s been an open wound of confusion and manchildery this whole time. So this, in the movie, is supposed to be his wakeup call in noticing his emotional bodycount.

But I think it’s more useful, characterization-wise, in having them both be changed by each other in their short amount of time together: Cruz is unexpectedly vulnerable, which he’s never regarded her as (no less someone with emotional depth), and he responds to that with a surprised, helpless sort of “This is the socially appropriate response” and realizes that maybe it/she isn’t so bad.

Change number two: Thomasville. So, ﬁrst, the whole “Cruz’s Jackson Storm cosplay” is emphasized a bit more. Because this time, more narrative emphasis is placed on how Cruz feels at any given moment. So, this digs into how becoming Jackson Storm in character allows her to express her competitive nature in a safe environment.

Actually, make Cruz a little bit of a bitch here. Maybe she loves roleplaying as Storm a little too much. Give her some grit beyond bubbly and earnest and mildly anxious. She’s got a trash-talking alter ego. You can’t tell me someone who’s internalized as much as she has hasn’t been coping with a metric ton of resentment towards the racing bros who get what she dreamed of handed to them.

Finally, when the whole gang splits off for some moonlit racing, just like how Lightning got his new paint job peeled off by branches? Cruz’s Jackson Storm slapdash paint comes off too. She beats them all handily, as she does in the movie, just yknow, with a bit more aggression.

When she realizes she won, she tries to play it off with a Storm joke, worrying about Lightning’s chances at the Cup. Lightning again gets a big growth moment when he tells her that that race just now? Was all her. She’s been more than a Jackson Storm impersonator for a while now. The lead up for the Cup is her trying to cope with this.

I also think that Lightning, in my version, is already seriously considering having her sub in. He obviously still wants to try his last race, but he’s already giving her signiﬁcant looks. In the original, he literally comes up with the idea mid-race, and I’m not a fan. At any rate, when Lightning taps out of the Cup as he does in canon, Cruz is going to have the hiccups she originally does. But I think they should be subtly different.

Because Cruz has the theoretical game down. I mean, understanding race theory is her day job (wish I could say the same ig). Lightning coaches her through her nerves (that arena goes quiet from Cruz POV shot is nice) and offers insight as an experienced racer. Dealing with actually racing against other cars on a real track? That’s ﬁne.

But I want this to dig into Cruz’s strengths more—she has more to offer than just a more modern body. Make it clear she does remember the lessons they’ve learned. Because the current scene focuses on, to her detriment, Lightning’s recall of the movie’s takeaways. She chimes in, but never initiates.

Jackson goes in for the mindgames. But this Cruz also pushes back—just differently. I understand she can’t be legitimately mean in a kids’ movie, but also, canonically she wins by annoying him the way she’s annoyed Lightning inadvertently. This Cruz has more anger. She’s also been ﬂexing her trainer cred this whole race, once Lightning helps her adjust. So, instead of just ollying on out the way she does in the OG scene (although that was fun and can be kept in), she gets in his head too.

What scares Jackson Storm? This version makes him a little more dimensional too—he won’t be another body tossed on the pyre of Lightning McQueen’s stunted development. He becomes more than just Young Lightning to be cast against Lightning’s early douchebaggery. Now he’s Cruz’s foil explicitly. He has the same fears as her, but ofc has grown up expressing them differently.

So she throws back every fear of not belonging—he is an aloof asshole—every fear of not being good enough—he does have an awful lot of bravado—every fear of being disposable—the whole movie is about how racing and celebrity commodiﬁes you and denigrates your authentic desires—and asks him what it means that someone who’s just a costume girl can take away everything he’s worked for so easily.

And then she does the ﬂip.

Now she’s an unrepentant asshole, just like all the Real Cars protagonists.

Anyway, Jackson Storm starts crying and she tells him since he’s only good for his body anyway, she’ll take him out for dinner sometime. That’s how romance starts in Cars, right? Negging? Okay, maybe not this bit.

I’m not going to pretend I’m a Writer(TM), or that the people at Pixar aren’t competent writers. But I think I have a stronger vision on how to make Cruz a character worth caring about. Not as a pseudo daughter, not as a plot device, not as a generic Female Character. But as a ﬂawed but lovable car who can stand as a Cars protagonist in her own right.

#x #cars spoilers

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