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ginger-canary · 7 months

Text

New Rules (And Why They Exist)

Chapters: 1/1

2459 words

Fandom: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Lucanus Aer'Tea & Jolene Cybin | Mee-Maw, Alanis & Lucanus Aer'Tea, Alanis & Jolene Cybin | Mee-Maw, Alanis/Jolene Cybin

Characters: Alanis (Not Another D&D Podcast), Lucanus Aer'Tea, Jolene Cybin | Mee-Maw

Additional Tags: Listen read into it how you will, Based on one interaction, Character Study, for Alanis maybe

Summary: Vibe check Alanis in College I read too deep into the interaction between Lucanus and Alanis when he went "Well I was blasted into space " and now the history expanded. Read into the relationships however you want because I sure don't know.

For @lovevalley45 happy birthday here’s the Alanis Jolene fic where Lucanus continuously loses his mind.

Follow the link up top to AO3 or check it out under the cut

Alanis was not really made for university life. Or- in some ways- she really really was. She enjoyed long nights in the large library and experimenting in the laboratory, going out on the town at night and making friends. But the strange competitive energy between different schools of magic and the envy between classmates who did better than the rest was absolutely not for her.

In full truth she just wanted to do magic, eat pizza, go on adventures, and get high. But the rich high elves were so fucking annoying.

So she’d played a few pranks, confusing her stuck up roommate into using a sharpie as eyeliner by saying that it was the newest invention in makeup for royalty. She kept transmuting the arcane chalkboard wipers into water filled sponges when bullies slapped them together, water going all over them and the runes on the board. Most frequently she confused everyone by casting Message in the voice of the king of the elves and telling them things like “I accidentally transformed myself into a rock, please help me”.

Headmaster Lucanus was not particularly affectionate towards her to say the least. He seemed to have good intentions but his sense of humour needed work and his punishments did too. If she had to spend another month working on the university gardens she was going to study druidism. Though that wasn’t the only reason druidism tempted her nowadays.

Alanis looked down at the angry Venus Trap she was tasked with wielding into obedience (or as Lucanus put it, “make it stop snapping at those just taking a walk”) and zapped it with a ray of frost. The plant momentarily crystallised in a pale blue. She wiped the sweat off her brow and moved out of reach, taking a sip from her lime flavoured soda. While she continued to complain whenever Lucanus made her work in the gardens because of her pranks, the dozens of interesting and rare plants did give her a sense of calm.

Then she spotted Lucanus and a red-haired freckled crick elf walking between the Grasping Vines and the Catnap- a catnip that caused every cat to curl up and fall asleep near the plant. As the crick elf held the Grasping Vines back from a flustered Lucanus, a large possum crawled out of the crick elf’s satchel and started chewing on the Catnap. Then it started hacking and coughing up the catnap before curling up underneath the plant, next to two cats.

Alanis snorted. She watched as Lucanus bent down to pick up the possum and put it back in the satchel only to be hit on the ass with a stray vine. Instead of picking up the possum he fell straight into the Catnap, tripping over the edge of his robes as he tried to get back up. Alanis and the crick elf burst out laughing in tandem.

They made eye contact from across the garden and Alanis lifted her soda in greeting. “Sup,” she yelled. “I’m Alanis.”

The woman grinned and shouted back, “I’m Jolene. What’re ya up to, youngin’?”

Behind Jolene, Lucanus managed to dust himself off and pick up the sleeping possum. He shot a disgruntled look at the Grasping Vines before turning to Alanis. “I would like to remind you this is your punishment for casting grease on the gym floor when the royal elves were forced to do the shuttle run test.”

“I’d like to remind you it was funny as hell.” She would never forget the yells of the royals as they slid right into the wall after making fun of the other elves.

Lucanus and Jolene walked towards her now that she’d decided to go in on their conversation- or rather their yells. “You cast Grease on the rich high elves?” Jolene asked, raising her eyebrows.

“Yeah.”

The Venus Trap chose that moment to return to its unfrozen form and snapped at Lucanus’s ankles. Alanis absent-mindedly slapped the plant with a Chill Touch. “I told you you can’t eat the humanoids,” she hissed. The plant hung its trap in shame.

“Here, let me see.” Jolene crouched down and cast Speak With Plants, spending a few seconds chatting in a strange language that sounded like leaves on the wind. “So I hear y’all used to feed it jerky but lately it’s been getting cat food?” Jolene and Alanis turned to Lucanus who blushed.

“We were out of jerky! The next shipment is late.” When the two women continued to stare at him he added, “last I heard it was taken by some gnomes.”

“You know it could just eat meat, right?” Alanis went through her bag, pulling out her sandwich and took the bacon out. She tossed it to the Venus trap as you would to a dog and it seemed much happier.

Jolene suppressed a grin. “Ye are a wizard, right Lucanus?”

“Yes?!”

She smiled and playfully punched him in the arm. “So why couldn’t you put together that the meat eating plant wanted better meat?”

Lucanus stood for a moment clearly firing on all cylinders to find an acceptable excuse. “I… have a lot going on. I’m not actually in charge of the garden, okay?!”

Alanis felt a tug at her lunchbox only to watch the now-awake possum attempt to steal the rest of her sandwich. “Hey!” She tugged it free from the possum paws.

The possum looked at Alanis then held up it’s front paws and said “reer.”

“Alright I think we’ve solved this problem, you, come here.” Jolene scooped her possum back into her bag where it instantly fell asleep. She straightened and held out her arm for Lucanus. “Nice meeting you, Alanis.”

“Ah, um. Yes, let us continue our walk.” Over his shoulder he yelled, “see if you can grab some more bacon from the cafeteria. For now you can feed it bacon.”

Alanis shrugged and looked down at her now sad sandwich. “I wasn’t even in charge of feeding these plants to begin with, this was my detention,” she muttered.

The Venus Trap made a swipe for the rest of her sandwich.

“Fine, fine! I’ll go rob the cafeteria.”

~~~

Another day, another good natured prank. She could actually defend this one- it was good for the environment! She was putting the frogs back into the large pond that existed near the divination tower. The pond was filled with lily pads and koi fish, weirdly shaped fountains and no frogs. It was simply not right. She’d even done the research to make sure the frogs could live with the koi- there had been no reason for the royals to get rid of them. Other than a weird hatred towards frogs.

“Don’t let Lucanus see you do that.”

Alanis almost dropped the entire bucket of frogs on her toes when she was spoken to by one very large koi. She looked around then leaned in closer. “Are you a prisoner of the king? Did they turn you into a fish?”

She was met with a face full of water. When she’d wiped her face with her cloak, in the fish’s place was Jolene.

Sitting in the middle of the pond, a lily pad with a frog on her head, she grinned. “Sup. I was just chilling with your fish.” She stepped out of the pond, dripping water everywhere. “Why are you fillin’ the pond with frogs?”

“Well, uh. There always used to be frogs, the high elves just kicked them out for no reason. I even checked some books on whether they could live with the koi. It’s fine! So, I’m putting them back.” To demonstrate she carefully took the lily pad and the frog from Jolene’s head and put them back in the pond.

“Where did you get these frogs?”

Alanis put on a shitty high elf voice. “From our ancient moat.” She dropped it. “I cleaned them and everything. The frogs- not the moat.”

“Usually I say nothing’s wrong with a little dirt but even the fish in this pond seem stuck up. Won’t you get in trouble again when the others complain?”

Alanis shrugged. “Nothing in the rulebook that says you can’t help frogs.” She continued placing frogs on the rim of the pond, watching them leap into the water one by one.

Jolene snorted. “I doubt there’s a rule against casting grease on the gym floor but ya still got punished for it, huh?”

“Okay, true.” She held up a finger. “But there’s probably one now.” Placing the last of the frogs in the pond, Alanis grinned. “If there’s no place where a rule has been invented because of your actions, have you lived?”

She held out her arm waiting for Alanis to take it. “I’m seein’ now why Lucanus complains about you so much.”

Alanis raised her eyebrows. She tossed the remnants of the water from her bucket then placed her arm in Jolene’s. “I’m in his head rent-free.”

“I don’t think he dislikes you,” Jolene laughed. “He’s definitely frustrated that you’ve chosen to use your powers this way.”

“So what do you think?”

“Me? I think it’s funny as hell.”

Alanis grinned as they slowed to a stop in front of one of the student towers. “So you’re a crick elf, right?”

Jolene’s expression became guarded. “Yeah?”

“How do you feel about weed?” Alanis bumped her hip against Jolene’s.

“Oh! Weed’s great, we love all the drugs Melora gives us.”

“Wanna go smoke some?”

Jolene opened her mouth to respond but before she could, Lucanus appeared- his robes dishevelled while he breathed heavily.

“Alanis!” he wheezed.

“Uhuh, wassup?”

“Manners! You’re not supposed to have drugs in your dorm- this is a no drugs school.”

Jolene lowered a flask. “Huh?”

He scrambled, “uh, okay listen. You’re not a student here.”

“Wow. So it’s only a no drugs place for students? Buzzkill.” Alanis crossed her arms.

“You’re here to learn!”

“About drugs, yeah, among other things.”

Lucanus put his face in his hands and started muttering in Sylvan as if she couldn’t understand it. “She’s top of her class, you can’t suspend her. She’s the best wizard in the transmutation tower, it doesn’t matter what she does in her free time.”

“...Thank you?”

Jolene just sighed and passed Alanis her flask. “Here, huff, don't drink. It’s what I do when he goes all highfalutin on me.”

“Ooh okay.” Alanis didn’t hesitate and huffed the mystery liquid, grinning as it hit her. “Oh, that’s good.”

“You bet your ass it is, it’s crickwater.”

Lucanus groaned. “Okay both of you. Stop getting intoxicated right in front of all the other students. I came here for something else.”

Tentatively, Alanis held out the flask for him.

“Not that!” Then quietly, he added, “maybe later.”

“Well then what? You wanna smoke some pot too?”

“Boundaries!” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Alanis, did you put frogs in the pond near the divination towers?”

“I mean, yeah.”

“Why?” He sighed.

“‘S good for the ecosystem.”

Lucanus closed his eyes. “The royals are complaining.”

“Okay and? When are they not complaining?”

“Just… I don’t fuckin’ know. Don’t do it again.”

Alanis shrugged. “Okay.” She turned back to Jolene with a sly smile. “So do you wanna go smoke?”

“Alanis!”

“Fine, fine.” She put her hands up, handing the flask back to Jolene. “I’ll leave you two to your… whatever this is.” She bumped her hip into Jolene’s with a grin. “See you around.”

She entered the transmutation building feeling like she’d at the very least gotten away with her frog move.

~~~

Another day, another summon to the principal’s office. They’d stopped trying to literally summon her there after she made duplicates of herself which piled atop Lucanus’ receptionist.

She sighed and kicked the nose of her scuffed boots against the wall. As far as she knew, she hadn’t even done anything to get detention this week. Too busy hanging out with Jolene.

Eventually Lucanus stuck his head around the corner. “Let’s get started.”

With a shrug, she walked in and took a seat in front of his desk. “So I just want to say whatever it is I supposedly did, I didn’t actually do it this time. Oh, hey Jolene.” She grinned at Jolene sitting on the edge of the desk.

“...What?” Lucanus shook his head. “You’re here so we can discuss your summer internship. “You had said you wanted to work in the garden?”

Alanis blinked and scratched the back of her neck. “Ah, right. Yes.”

He sighed. “This is a big responsibility, Alanis. I’m only considering it because you already have quite a bit of experience with our plants.”

Jolene rolled her eyes. “What he means is that he’s trusting me because I told him I’d love to help you out. Kinda be your guide.”

“Yes, that.”

Alanis grinned and wiggled her eyebrows. “My guide, huh?”

Jolene winked at her.

“Jolene, please… that is a 20 year old elf.”

“And? At least she flirts with me!” She slapped him on the arm.

“Should I be here for this?” Alanis slowly stood up from her chair. This seemed like their personal drama.

“You’re not done with this appointment!” he waved his hands.

She shrugged and sat back down, leaning toward Jolene. “So are you free tonight, or…”

“Yeah!”

“No!” Lucanus turned beet red. “Gods give me strength… Alanis. Do you agree to work in the garden as your summer internship with the help of Jolene and agree to do whatever she tells you to while in that garden?”

“Hell yeah man.”

“Great.” He signed a scroll then turned it towards Alanis. “Please sign this and leave my office.”

Alanis scrawled her name across the dotted line and handed the quill back to Lucanus. “A’ight dude, see ya.” She slipped out of his office with a wave to Jolene.

In the hallway, she leaned against the door. She didn’t have to- it was easy enough to hear the pair argue through the wood.

“Jolene, please. I know crick elves are poly but don’t hit on my student. She’s like 20!”

“Hey I meant what I said, at least she’s flirting with me!”

Alanis grinned and opened the door again. “So, are you free tonight or?” She put her head around the corner.

“Yes.”

“Dope. Can I see you at like eight?”

Lucanus loudly sighed and put his head down on his desk.

“Sure.” Jolene pat Lucanus on the head. “I’ll see you at eight, youngin’.”

“Cool, bye! Bye Lucanus.”

“Gods give me strength…”

Alanis walked to her room with a big grin on her face. She wasn’t going to get involved with whatever Lucanus and Jolene had going on but she was going out with Jolene. Or at the very least do some drugs with her.

#writing tag #naddpod #not another dnd podcast #lucanus aer'tea #jolene cybin #alanis #behold the most normal ship i've written in a while

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