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starshipsofstarlord · 4 years

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The Past still hurts me - Luke Hemmings x Reader**

Summary: There was someone who was a big part of his life during his teen years and a couple after. Three years after Sounds Good Feels Good came out, that figure left. Luke never thought he would see (Y/N) again, but fate would have it that he did. And it wasn’t just her...

You walked to the coffee shop. It was a ritual every month, on the 4th of each one. The instance caused pain, but your presence was demanded by a well known Australian.

As you entered, you saw him, sat there, glancing over his coffee mug that was held to his mouth. His hair was shorter than it had been when you were young, but he was still Calum Hood.

He put the mug down as you sat opposite him, holding his hands together as he looked intently at you.

“What?” You asked him, turning your gaze away from his stare. Usually there would be laughing and reminiscing, but the bassist was in deep thought, utterly compelled by it.

“I didn’t know it was a crime to look at my friend.” He spoke. Over the years his voice had changed, all of theirs had, and you hated it. But you only really spoken to Cal now. He was the only one who could keep you stable. Grounded would be another word to describe it.

“Tell me what’s bothering you.” You said, noticing the crease between his brows deepening. He was raking his pupils over you. Searching. Looking for any excuse. Finally he sighed, giving in to your demand.

“Have you been using again?” He cared. It was nice, but you didn’t need his concern. You were fine. Perfectly fine.

But you felt offended. He always had to see if you had been dosing yourself in drugs, but you weren’t that user anymore. He should have had more trust in you.

“Of course not! Why would you even ask that?” You tried not to raise your voice too much, you didn’t need any more attention drawn to the pair of you. He was already a celebrity, and you were his bandmate’s ex. It was sure to draw eyes eventually, hence why the two of you would usually stay here for an hour, or just over.

“I just wanted to make sure.” Calum spoke softly, leaning over and resting his hand upon yours. “I know what you’ve been through.” He really didn’t. He just thought he did.

“Yeah...” Three years ago he was there for you, but you couldn’t do it. A part of you had wanted to, but you just couldn’t.

….

The two of you were in a waiting room, you were shaking as Calum put his arm around your shoulder. This was the right thing to do, for all involved. But you felt like a monster. This was a big decision, and you were happy you had Calum here so that you weren’t alone.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Luke didn’t know that this was where either of you were. Michael and Ashton were becoming suspicious, and they wouldn’t find out, ever, if you went through with it.

“I have to do this Cal. I can’t go into rehab with a baby.” That’s right, you were in an abortion clinic. Waiting for your appointment, waiting to kill your own child.

“Just know that there’s nothing wrong with it (Y/N), you just have to be sure.”

“I’m sure.”

….

Rehab had been a long haul. You hadn’t seen Luke or had any form of contact with him since he practically forced you to go. And that meant he hadn’t known about the baby. You had broken up by then anyway, but guilt still riddled you.

“You don’t regret it, do you?” Calum asked, watching your eyes flicker about in thought. What if there wasn’t anything to regret? What if you had also lied to him? What would he think of you?

“Not at all.” You regretted ever going to the clinic, thinking that could be a possible route. But you hadn’t gone through with it. You had the baby, when her cycle in your stomach was up. And she was at home right now, with her babysitter, probably scribbling on a bit of paper or balancing a crown on her blonde hair.

Calum’s phone began to ring from where it was laid on the table. His coffee stirred from the impact, and you looked away, suspecting it to be one of his band members.

“It's him.” That was code, although not a very good code, for Luke Hemmings. The father of the child no one knew that you had had. "Is it okay if I-"

"Answer it Cal." You smiled gently at him, before deciding to look down at you fingers. It's not like Luke could see you here, opposite Callum, but you still felt like he would judge you for it.

And so he did, grateful that you had allowed him to.

"What's up mate?" He asked casually, as if he wasn't with you. Neither of you were sure how Luke would react. And neither of you were too keen on finding out.

"Where are you?" You could hear Luke say. It had been so long since you had heard his voice, and you wished you could continue to listen to it. But you were interrupted from doing so.

Your own phone began to ring. It was the babysitter, you held your finger up to Callum, walking a bit away from the table the two of you were at.

"Is everything okay?" You asked immediately. Ever since you had (Y/D/N), you were concerned. You took as many procautions as you could, even to keep her a secret from the general public, including Luke and his friends.

You hadn't met with Callum after you grew a bump, but you still facetime his, only showing the neck up.

"She's been sick. She wants you." You had hired a good babysitter, but your daughter was ruthless when she didn't get her way.

She was only 2 and a bit, but for the entire time of her existence she had been your whole world. If she wanted you home, there was only thing you could do. Go home.

"I'll be there in 30 minutes. I'm on my way now." The call ended, and you went back to your table.

"I've got to go. It was good to see you." You said, leaning down to pick up your bag and hug Callum whilst he still had his phone against his ear.

"Okay be safe." He told you as he watched you rush out the door. It made him worry, there had to be some sort of an emergency that required your presence.

"That was a girl." Well done Luke. The statement made Callum freeze, as if Luke had caught them.

"Yeah it was." She wasn't his girl though, she had been Luke's.

....

You unlocked your door, rushing to get inside. Quickly shutting it behind you, you found the woman you hired and your daughter in the living room.

"Thankyou for calling me." She stood.

"No problem, I'm going to go home, but call me if you need anything." And that was one of the reasons you hired her. She was helpful, and a great support system.

"Will do." You smiled at her, watching her leave before going on your knees to reach your daughter who was chewing on her toys.

"Mummy." She cried, reaching to loop her arms around your neck.

"I'm here baby."

....

Callum entered Luke's apartment, hearing him and the other two boys in the living room.

"Hey." He said to them. Ashton only cheered at his arrival, coming over to pat his friend on the shoulder.

"Who's the lucky girl then Cal." Now this was awkward. That was to say the least. Callum reached his hadn behind him to run the back of his neck.

All three boys had their eyes trained on him. They were interested, but there was nothing to tell. Nothing he wanted to tell.

"There isn't one." It was the truth, even if it didn't seem like it.

"Bullshit." Luke announced. "I heard her, so what's her name."

It was so much easier when they were clueless to it all. When they had no interest in what he did with his free time outside of the band.

"She's just a friend." Michael laughed at that. But it was the truth, why couldn't they just accept that?

"Yeah right." Callum frowned, only for Michael to continue. "Don't act like we haven't noticed. You always have plans on the 4th of every month, clearly for a date."

"It's not a date."

"What is it then? Who is she?" Luke carelessly opened a beer. This was the moment that all would be revealed, but he didn't know what would be set out into the open.

"I check on (Y/N)." He answered, this time not steering around the elephant in the room.

"What?" Ashton was taken aback, and so were the others.

"She's out of rehab?" Luke asked. He was surprised, it had been 3 years, but they had informed him that you would probably be on there for around 5.

"Yeah, she is." Callum responded.

"How is she?" It was all that mattered to him. Luke set his drink down coming closer to Callum, needing to hear it all.

"Better." That was the only word he could think of. You looked healthier, even happy. He wasn't sure what had triggered the happiness, but for once it was neither drugs or Luke. It was something else, something you weren't informing him about.

"She hasn't called me." It was the first thing he had expected you to do when you got out. He hadn't been allowed to visit, but he had hoped at least you two could reconnect.

"I don't think she's going to." You looked like a deer in headlights when Luke had called him earlier.

"Give me your phone." Luke didn't ask, but he spoke gently. Callum struggled, he wanted to protect your privacy but he didn't want to see his friend suffer. "Please."

That was when the final straw broke. He couldn't refuse. Over the years you and Luke had been together, nothing had kept you two apart until the drugs came into the picture. And now that they were gone, Callum didn't want to be the obstacle that was in the way.

Instantly Luke scrolled and found your name, tapping on it so that he could hear it ring.

"What's up Cal?" You asked casually, not expecting to be speaking to anyone else.

"It's not Cal." Shit. It was Luke. "She hung up."

....

You walked through the park, your mini you holding your hand. It had grown colder, and you were wrapped up in layers of clothing, and so was (Y/D/N).

It was the 4th. Of the next month. Opposite the park was the cafe you met Callum at, and then you saw him looking out the window, seeing you.

He practically ran out the door when you attempted to walk out of his sight. "Wait (Y/N)."

There was no point in trying to flee now, he had already caught up to you. Defeated, you turned, holding your child's hand a little tighter.

"It's you this time then. No Luke?"

Callum looked down by your legs, seeing the creation of you and Luke.

"You lied, didn't you. You never went through with it."

"I couldn't." You argued back. At least now you could guide someone through life, teaching them better than you knew. "And I'd never go back if I could."

And then it clicked in his head. It wasn't a drug or Luke, as it once had been that gave you a sample of peace. It was this being that you had kept a secret.

"You didn't have to keep it to yourself. I could have been there for you. So could have Luke." You winced at the name. Your daughter looked strangely at the man, as if she was remembering his voice consoling you in the clinic before she was born.

"He forced me into rehab Callum. That hurt. I know I needed help, but he broke up with me and sent me away. A baby didn't need to be brought into that mess."

Callum sighed, running his palm against his buzzcut hair. This was complicated, and it wasn't his situation, but both you and Luke were his friends. You were both suffering, feeling the burn of the distance that had been wedged between the two of you over the years.

"There's no mess now, he deserves to know he has a kid (Y/N)."

And now you sighed, extending your hand expectedly. "Fine, give me your phone."

He did so immediately. He wasn't going to hesitate, it would only give you time to change your mind.

"Hey Cal." He sounded off, upset. It was probably your fault. Little did Luke know though that he was not talking to Callum.

"Luke."You spoke, looking down at the combination of you and him. She seemed confused, she was so young. She had no idea what was going on.

"(Y/N)?" His voice now sounded urgent, as if he needed confirmation that it was really you.

You told him your address. "Be there in an hour."

Cal smiled reassuringly. Perhaps things were on the mend. It would take time to reinstall the trust and all, but it'd be worth it. There was no point in throwing away all of those years when the two of you had a kid together, even if Luke didn't know about her yet.

....

The wall revelled in the attention of your eyes. What had you done all these years? You built up to a moment that was approaching.

Since (Y/D/N) was born, you never once doubted your decision in keeping her. When you had decided to secretly go through with the birth, you had been considering putting her up for adoption. You felt too young, and naiive and addicted.

But when you held your little girl in the arms for the first time, looking adoringly into her small chubby face, you realised you couldn't.

You couldn't give her away. Never in a million years. She gave you a reason to get better, not for Luke or yourself, for her. It gave you the purpose to be a mother, care for her each day, watch her grow and become a beautiful person.

Keeping it from Luke had never been your plan, at least not for that long. But you were scared, of him and what he might think.

Luke was the love of your life, up until you finished labor with your daughter. When you held her in your hands for the very first time, there was no weight attatched to her. She was we light as a feather and free of baggage, and from that, she helped you rid yourself of your own.

A knock interrupted your train of thought, making you look away from the plain, boring wall. It startled you, although you had been expecting it.

It could only be Luke Hemmings. If he were to angry when he discovered your large secret, he had every right to be. You had kept his child from him. Despite not wanting to face his anger ever again, you knew you had to.

She needed her father. It wasn't about you and Luke anymore, it was always about her, and always would be from now on.

Slowly, you walked to the door, imagining all the ways Luke would be pissed at you. It had been over 2 years since you had seen him, over 2 years since he had knocked you up.

Opening the door, you looked to see Luke. He was still tall obviously, but his hair was longer, he had lost the fringe and died it a little lighter. He looked good, other than the blossoming blue under his eyes.

"(Y/N)." It was nice to hear him say your name in person again, instead of through a phone.

A small smile crept up onto his face at seeing you wearing a large jumper that went down to your knees. You always wore that to bed, if you couldn't get your hands on one of his shirts. "Can I come in?"

You stepped aside, allowing him into your and (Y/D/N)'s home. He looked subtly around, tilting his head when he saw a child's drink bottle on the counter.

You bit your lip. "Do you want anything to drink?"

When he looked at you, it felt like he was looking through you, discovering all the little and big things you had kept from him.

"I'm okay." Luke smiled gently, keeping his blue eyes frozen on you. "Are you?"

You knew what he meant by that. He was wanting to know if rehab had actually helped. He wanted to know his reason for sending you away had actually worked.

"Callum probably told you that I'm better Luke. I didn't call you here to talk about me though. There's something else."

Something you had kept from him for years. Someone who meant the entire universe to you.

"What?" His voice remained gentle, as if he was afraid to lose you again.

"Just after we ended," he winced at the mention of it, "I found out I was pregnant."

His eyes widened, making them look even bluer. "Was it mine?"

Pursing your lips together you nodded your head. "Callum never said." He spoke.

"That's because he came with me when I went to get an abortion. I didn't want to go through rehab with a baby."

Luke's nostrils flared, but he maintained his composure, his arms flexing just a little. It was possible for him to understand, and he was trying to. You deserved to explain yourself, even if the truth hurt him.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

That question broke your heart. Made it crack down the middle, all because of your own self protection.

"I was scared." It was the only thing you could think of.

"So was I when I found you overdosing, I can't even remember how many times I found you on the fucking bathroom floor."

It wasn't necessarily parts of your life you wanted to remember, but Luke clearly hadn't let them go. "I was bloody terrified. There was always the chance that you wouldn't wake up, that you'd stay under its influence. Being scared is no excuse for aborting our child (Y/N)! All parents are scared, and now I never had the chance to even know of their existence when they were alive! "

"She is alive Luke." You informed him, he wanted you to go. "I couldn't go through with it."

His laughed with his breath. "So Callum knew and I didn't?"

"He found out today Luke. In the park, when I called you." Callum didn't deserve any blame in this mess. He did nothing wrong, he was just a bystander, a supportive one. A friend, that only wanted to help.

"She?" He asked, catching up with the information. "We have a girl." He sat, giving up on arguing with you.

He should have remembered that arguments got the two of you nowhere. "Where is she?" His mind raced to you giving her up, although he didn't accuse you of doing such a thing this time.

"In her room. Asleep." You crossed your arms, looking at the man. "You can see her in the morning."

You sat at the table beside him. He looked forward, focusing on the wall that you had been before he had been welcomed inside. "Have you given it up?"

The drugs. That was what he meant.

"Since the day I found out I was pregnant." You reached your hand to his, letting your fingers run through his.

You wondered if he felt the spark. The running of blood. The pounding of his heart. You felt all of those things and more. You felt anger. Love.

"What's her name?" Back to your daughter.

"(Y/D/N)."

"It's a pretty name." He moved his hand away from yours, bringing it up to be positioned at the back of your neck, holding the hair beneath in his palm. "I still love you."

Your eyes met, it felt like two world colliding. "Then show me. Let me feel it. Let me feel you."

He didn't hesitate, he dragged the two of you up from your seats and pulled your mouth to his. It felt like nothing had changed.

You tugged at his shirt, pulling it from his lanky body and discarding it on the floor.

"Bedroom?" He asked distractedly. You pulled him in the direction, losing the oversized jumper in the process.

You shut the door behind you, pushing the blonde man onto the bed. Straddling him, you felt his arm rub against your bare back. The contact elicited a moan from you which he devoured in his own mouth. He didn't want to wake your daughter up. That would be an awkward meeting.

As you sat on his lap, you felt his cock grow in his pants. Getting down on your knees, you unzipped them, even as Luke tried to drag you up to him.

"(Y/N), no teasing."It came out in a guttaral way. He was desperate for you, and so you pulled the layers on his legs down, pulling them from his ankles with his shoes and socks.

You grasped his shaft in your hand, pumping him, watching the head come out from the skin. You gave the tip a soft lip, making him throw his head back. "Stop."

"Fine." You sighed, rolling your (Y/E/C) eyes, you complied, climbing back onto his body.

Luke grasped his dick running it through your folds, gathering the moisture at his tip. "Now who's teasing?"

He shook his head, grasping one of your hips with his free hand, encouraging you to sink down on him.

It had been years since you had been this full, you had to adjust. "Fuck."

Your hands went to his chest when you felt ready to move, bringing yourself up his shaft and back down. You created a rhythm with your bodies, making the mattress squeak under the pressure.

Sweat began to gather upon Luke's forehead, he wiped it with the back of his hand, dismissing it from layering on top of his skin. And then he began to give hard thrusts up into you, making the pleasure almost unbearable.

"I'm not going to last if you keep doing that." You warned him through gasps of air. It was difficult not to squeeze your eyes closed, but you refused, wanting to seem him in a state of euphoria once more.

"That's the point." He responded, moaning at the end of his words.

And then it hit you, like headlights in the road. You came crashing down, your body molding closely to Luke's as you struggled to stay upright.

He gave a few more sharp thrusts from beneath you before letting go, cumming inside of you. "You didn't say it back."

Then you remembered. He had told you that he loved you. Your emotions were on overdrive right now, but you knew what you felt was real.

"I love you too."

....

Luke was still there when you awoke, his face mushed into a pillow and his arms around your waist. Luckily you were able to escape his grip without interrupting his slumber, and so you crept out of bed, going to the second bedroom in your apartment, picking up Luke's shirt from the kitchen floor and putting it on.

(Y/D/N) was still asleep in her crib. Soon she'd have a bigger bed, it felt like it was just yesterday when you had given birth to her.

You felt a presence behind you, and you turned defensively, only to be relieved upon seeing Luke.

"She's beautiful." He watched her with you, rubbing your shoulder contently.

You smiled at the comment. "I'm going to wake her up."

He took it as a hint to leave the room, deciding to turn the kettle on for the both of you.

It would be strange for your daughter to see a stranger as soon as she opened her eyes, and you were glad that he had considered that detail.

Going towards the bed, you picked her up, her eyes opening as you did so. "Come on baby, you're going to meet someone really special."

"Who?" She asked, looping her arms around your neck.

"You'll see." You entered the kitchen, finding Luke disposing of the tea bags, and then putting the tea spoon in the sink. "This is your daddy."

"Daddy?" She asked you, making Luke light up at hearing her voice. You continued walking slowly towards him.

"He's like mummy, but he's a man." You explained to her, as she had never known the term of a father up until now.

"Hi (Y/D/N)." He spoke to her watching as she mumbled a soft 'hi' back into your shoulder.

"She's shy." You told him.

"She's perfect."

....

As much as Luke loved his job, he didn't want to go to the studio. He wanted to stay with you and your daughter. Eventually you pushed him out the door, prompting him to leave.

"How did things go?" Callum asked him as they entered the building.

"I think we're back together." There wasn't confirmation, but it felt like the good old days, except with one difference. The addition that stole his heart.

"Mate, that's amazing." Callum stopped walking, Luke doing the same. "So you know about..."

"Her names (Y/D/N). She's perfect."

Callum couldn't help but smile at the twinkling in Luke's eyes. He was truly happy again.

"Hurry up." Michael pushed past them, Ashton stopping alongside the other two.

"Did something happen?" He noticed there was an unspoken tension. "Is this about (Y /N)?"

Ever since the other day since you had been mentioned, the boys noticed how quiet Luke was.

"It has everything to do with her. And (Y/D/N)." Luke smiled to himself. Michael came back over confused and wanting Intel.

"I know (Y/N), but who's the other one?" He asked.

"My daughter." That caused quite an uproar from the two boys. They were shocked, and obviously weren't expecting such a thing.

....

Luke got home, or at least what was your home. He had spoken to the boys and he wanted answers now. It had been a couple of weeks since he had spoken to them about it for the first time, and he was living the good life. But what were the two of you?

"Daddy." His daughter squealed, xlambering over to him.

"Hey princess." He picked her up in his arms, very easily may I say. "Where's mummy?"

"Potty." Bathroom then.

"Why don't you go draw while I check on mummy? I'll show it to all my friends and we can put it on the fridge, yeah ?"

She seemed to like that idea and scrambled off to her room.

Luke went and stood outside the bathroom. He could hear you emptying your guts, vomiting into the bowl. "You okay in there babe?"

"Fine." Clealry you weren't, so he twisted the door knob, finding you on your knees in from of the toilet, tears in your eyes from how much your throat burned.

"You're not fine." He came down beside you, pulling your hair back and stroking it out of your face.

"I'm pregnant." You groaned, passing him the test from where it was on the floor beside the bathroom counter.

You remembered how you felt when this all started for the first time. Callum was there for you, but now Luke was here.

"That's great." He pulled your body close to him, running his hand over the material that was ontop of your stomach.

And now he had to ask, for the sake of your second child together. "What are we?"

"Luke and (Y/N)." You answered. And that was confirmation enough to know that the two of you were more than an item. It was how you always used to describe the two of you.

The Past still hurt, but the present was bringing happiness, healing the old wounds, ceiling them up. They no longer needed to air out the truth, there were no more secrets.

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