#made this two days ago but forgot to post it i hate my life atm

[aimeegbbs]

sex education + favourite dynamics (insp. x x x)

#sex education #sexeducationedit #sexeducationsource #dailymoordale #tvedit #bbelcher #dailyreblogs #uservalentina #userreina #userana #made this two days ago but forgot to post it i hate my life atm #also sorry about adam and eric but i hate that trope #and maeve and otis... maeve deserves better after s2 #** #500 #1k

[angelsswirl]

Been Through

Chapter 6: What have I become

Notes: Sorry these last few posts have been ugly. I'm on mobile atm. But I'll be sure to fix them up on desktop sooner or later.

All that shame and all that danger. I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight.

Things were different with Jennie than they were with Lisa. And sure, that makes sense. They're two different people.

But it went deeper than that.

With Jennie...you were in control, and you were never tricked into losing it. It was one of the reasons your relationship lasted so long in the first place. With Jennie...everything was easy. Palatable, if you will.

Take, right now, for example.

You were sitting in a restaurant with Jennie. She had asked you out the day she stalked you into that bar. Then she had to do it again the next day when you weren't nearly as drunk because you had promptly forgot she asked you anything at all.

You were mildly put off by the fanciness of the restaurant, but that wasn't cutting into the insurmountable control you had over everything that was happening.

You took a sip of your merlot and frowned. You weren't poor by any means of the word, but you definitely preferred boxed wine over the bottled stuff. You think it has less to do with flavor and more to do with practicality. There's just something satisfying about the novelty of having to use a spigot to access your wine, reminds you of using the water fountain in highschool. Or that water dispenser that was in the break room of your boring office job you had in korea right before you met the girls.

So, yes. With Jennie...things were simple and easy and calm and collected and controllable.

And then there was Lisa.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Lisa.

With Lisa...you experienced the very opposite of everything you experienced with Jennie. It replicated the start of your "relationship". A "relationship" that was born out of loneliness and drunken necessity and maybe even a tiny bit of manipulation. With Lisa...everything was hard. Unpalatable, if you will.

Take, four years ago, for example.

You were sitting in a crowded bar with Lisa, drinking soju like it was your lifeblood. She had brought you there after seeing how broken up you were over your and Jennie's break up. You're pretty sure she didn't have any intention of sleeping with you. She just didn't like seeing you sad.

You were extremely put off by your own whilrwind of conflicting emotions and drunkenness. And your control had crumbled like a sandcastle as soon as Lisa put her hand on your lower back to guide you into the bar.

You had slammed a shot of soju and grimaced. To you, that stuff tasted like how rubbing alcohol smelled. Lisa met you shot for shot. You're still astonished to this day how she never got recognized, or at least no one had voiced that they recognized her. You preferred straight up bourbon to soju. You're not sure why, but hey, too each their own. Something about your conflicting emotions and drinking half your body weight in alcohol had caused you to throw yourself into an early heat. It wasn't due for at least another month. And your ability to make good choices had been turned off hours prior. Lisa was right there and ready and willing and what were you supposed to do? Not let her fuck you into the mattress of some hotel? That simply wasn't an option at the time.

So, yes. With Lisa...things were complicated and hard and conflicting and out of hand and uncontrollable. And, oh God do you hate that.

But enough about Lisa. You're own a date with Jennie. So, enjoy your date with Jennie.

~~~

"You know, when my assistant said I had a meeting, I thought he meant with one of my bosses or clients." You said as she sat in your desk chair.

"I am a client." Chaeyoung pouted. Jisoo who was seated next to her nodded in agreement.

"No, you're a friend."

Chaeyoung's face grew mischievous. It was then that you noticed the notepads and ink pens, her and Jisoo were brandishing.

"Speaking of friends...how'd your date go with Jennie?" As if to emphasize what they were doing, the two clicked their pens in sinc.

"Oh no. I'm not talking about that with you too. This was supposed to be a meeting about the book."

"But this is about the book." Jisoo whined.

"How?!"

"We still need to write the happy ending! And this is apart of that."

"Why don't you write about one of your relationships instead of mine?"

"That's not nearly as entertaining." Chaeyoung said as if it was obvious.

"So, what if I told you that after the date she kissed me goodnight and it was so good I couldn't resist bringing her up to my room for some more fun. And then she slept over and we did it all over again in the morning."

Chaeyoung and Jisoo scribbled in their notes frantically.

"Yes! This is great, keep going."

"Oh. I can't."

"What?"

"I just made all that up. None of that happened."

"What the fuck, Y/N?"

"You wanted a story. So, I gave you one."

Jisoo glared at you while Chaeyoung pouted again.

"You're a liar." Jisoo exclaimed. You think she might snap her pen in half with how hard she's gripping it.

You rolled your eyes, "No. I'm not. I was just messing with you."

"You kind of are tho." Chaeyoung said almost as an afterthought.

"What are you talking about?"

"Okay, well maybe you're not a liar, but you do lie. You told me that you didn't know who Lily's other parent was, but I think you at least have an inkling. You want all of us to believe you don't love one of them over the other, but you most definitely do. I can hear it in the inflection in your voice when you talk about them. You want us to believe that this isn't about who you love, that this is about the "better fit", that this isn't about you, but it is. This is about who you're in love with. It's only one of them. You're kind of obvious. This has nothing to do with who's the better fit. You wouldn't have fallen in love with her if she wasn't. This is all about you, Y/N. Not your daughter, at least, not directly. You make decisions on autopilot when it comes to her because you're a mom. It's what moms do. This is about you and how over the last four years, you've convinced yourself that you're unlovable." Chaeyoung shrugged as she finished her monologue.

Jisoo seemed to be mulling over her member's words just as much as you were. You could practically see the conclusion jumping playing on her face.

"Oh my God! You're in love with-"

"Would you shut the flying fuck up?!" You shouted. You brushed your hands over your face harshly.

"So, maybe you're right. Maybe I do have an inkling. I'm her fucking mother of course I have an inkling. I fucking see her everyday. I know her personality. I know her likes and dislikes. And she might look like me, but you she sure as hell doesn't act like me. Yes, I want you to believe all those things. Because that's what makes all of this easier. I've never been more stressed out in my life. Not even while I was pregnant. Or that first year after Lily was born. And yes I feel unlovable. I feel yucky and gross. I feel like a whore. You don't get it. I would sit in my apartment, with my feet propped up on the table dreaming about how I wished I could rub them because they hurt so damn bad. But my giant whale of a stomach was in my way because I was growing a fucking person inside of me. You think I've been single these last four years on purpose? You think I don't want my daughter to have a normal fucking family? NO ONE WANTS TO DATE A SINGLE MOM!...Did they even try to contact me after I left?" You stood from your chair, a mistake because your legs felt like jello. But you remained standing even when you realized your makeup was melting from the warm tears you were pouring over it.

"You blocked their numbers-"

"But I didn't block yours."

Chaeyoung promptly closed her mouth.

"Or Jisoo's."

"Y/N-"

"Nope. Just let me yell at you, there's blood on your hands too," You took a deep shuddering breath before speaking again, "Not. One. Call. From any of you. No one even tried. No one called me, or my mom, or my sisters."

"And I know what you're thinking. I obviously didn't want to be found or contacted. But maybe, just maybe, I needed to be."

"After Lily was born, I got diagnosed with postpartum depression. I would look down at the beautiful baby girl in my arms and feel absolutely nothing. I would be confused as to what I was doing with a child. One day, I'm not sure how, we'll call it "mother's will", I snapped out of it. I went to a therapist and got my life back. It was just her and I agaisnt the world. And I didn't want it to be. It was unfair to Lily to only have to rely on me. I dated anyone I could. Alphas, beta, even other omegas. And nothing stuck. So, excuse me if I feel unlovable. But that's just because I am. And yeah, maybe I am head over ass in love with her, but it doesn't matter. She'll never love me back. You can write all of that in your precious little book." You sat down heavily in you desk chair.

"Y/N-"

"I'm going to get your case transferred to one of my colleagues. I probably shouldn't have taken it in the first place."

"Can we please talk about this?"

"We just did. All of that talking pushed me to another conclusion actually. Not only am I unlovable, I'm simply unobtainable. No one deserves me."

"Come on. That's not true. At least not the first part. You're extremely loveable. You'd know that if you just talk to her. And sure, maybe no one deserves you. But could you at least let her try?" Jisoo spoke with a severe intensity that made your shoulder's tense.

You swallowed a large lump in your throat, "Please, leave."

Chaeyoung rolled her eyes before practically stomping out the room. Jisoo stayed back for a few seconds longer. Only leaving with a shake of her head when she finally realized you really weren't going to listen to anything anyone had to say.

And you? You just cried.

#blackpink fanfic #jesssica's fanfic #lisa x reader #jennie x reader #lisa fanfic #been through #jennie fanfic

[naptoons]

Haunt you - brandon arreaga

Warnings: drinking substance, mild language.

Theme: angst

Summary: Brandon regrets breaking up with you for the sake of protecting you, everyday memories of you guys together haunts him, so he decided he’s going to talk to you again and apologize.

A/N: I didn’t proofread, but this song is my current fave atm I’m literally obsessed with it lol. And I saw Brandon fitting this scenario I was in my feels blame the Scorpio in me🥺🤟🏾

You and Brandon were perfect. Every one looked up to y’all as couple goals. You were happy with Brandon, and he was as well with you. Wherever he was you were there. Even Zion would tease y’all and shout “can y’all unstick from each other for two minutes?!” Which ultimately made the both of you blush. Three months into the relationship you’d asked him was he going to introduce you to his fans. Brandon froze up and your question and decided not to answer. From that day forth you haven’t talked to him. Until three weeks later he texted you and broke up with you.

It was hard on you, he never told you why or even tried to talk about it. And that bothered you. But at the same time you thought how could you easily talk about pain? Pain isn’t a buttery smooth topic. Five months passed and you tried to forget about him, throwing yourself into your studies, going outside whenever you felt the need to cry. Texting your friends and practically begging them to come over or hangout with you. Matters didn’t get better when you realized all the members were still following you on Instagram. So you saw all their stories and posts.

Seeing Brandon’s smile made you miss his, made you miss the way his nose slightly crinkled when he smiled. The way his nose ring would constantly shift everytime he laid a kiss on you, caressing his tattoos after both of you came out the shower. The way he would tap your thigh softly while making beats because he wanted you close at all times. It was the little things that made you happy. And now you felt as if you were being greedy and that’s what drove him away from you. Putting on your favorite movie and grabbing your chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of wine. You begin binging the movie. Drinking glass after glass. An hour later the whole bottle was gone.

And your nose was red and your eyelids were puffy, slumped in the covers on your couch. Maybe it was better off this way, he could live his life and travel go on tour do his music. Hell he could get drunk if he wanted too, have one night stands, maybe even find someone whose job is just like his. But you can’t help how badly you want him. Even though you and Brandon have broken up the other members have been texting and checking up on you.

Feeling yourself falling asleep you phone buzzes scaring you , looking at the caller ID you see it’s Zion wanting to FaceTime you. Pulling the covers up to your nose you answer his call. “Hey y/n are you sick?” He asks in a concerned tone

“Having a little allergy problem, that’s all so what’s up?” You ask

“On our way to your house, we’re in town and thought we’d visit, come take you out or something” Zion adds Edwin gets in the camera slightly “y/n!!! We’ve missed you dude” Edwin chimes. You smile, sinking further into the covers.

“I’ve missed you guys too, how are y’all?” You asks

“Pretty great, how’s college going?” Edwin asks

“Sluggish” you giggle, they look at you with furrowed eyebrows “y/n? Are you drunk?” Zion questions you sink your head in the pillow as you start giggling even more but now it’s mixed with salty tears. “We’re on our way y/n” Zion whispers, Zion hangs up the phone as you stand up making your way to the shower, to clean yourself up.

Fifteen minutes later, a knock is at your door, your hair was still semi wet, you step to the side letting them all in, all expect Brandon he wasn’t here. In a way you really wish he was. Just to see how he was doing.

“Y/n? Talk to us, you’ve kinda been ignoring us since...” Zion starts but you cut him off “since we’ve broken up yeah I’m aware, it’s just really hard Zion, getting used to something that isn’t your routine, reverting back to normal, when what was normal before was beautiful” you rant “maybe I’m reminiscing too much on the past and it’s hurting me, but I’m hurting...”

Your voice choked up “I’m hurting cause I’ll never know why” Zion wastes no time pulling you into his arms, followed by the rest of the members wrapping their arms around you. They made you feel a bit better.

They stayed with you for a couple of hours playing board games, screaming at each other in uno, Zion getting real salty about you beating him in Mario kart. Brandon saw all of this through Instagram, seeing that smile it's the way you look, he won't forget it. His friend taps his shoulder making Brandon screenlock his phone.

“Bro you know you still love her, so go tell her” he advises

Brandon shakes his head “no, I can’t but it’s better this way”

His friend chuckles “it’s better for y’all to be miserable and running away from fake fans? Those are the only ones that are going to hate on y’all relationship dude”. Brandon broke up with you because he wanted to save your heart from the ruthless cyber space. He knew that on the internet it can be harsh, and he didn’t want you going through the same thing he does.

He didn’t want a psychopathic liar, twisting things around and making you doubt his love for you. He didn’t want anyone to make a fool out of you. He didn’t want anyone to publicly embarrass you. All he wanted was to see you smile, to see your eyes glisten at him, laugh until y’all turned blue in the face. Cuddle up on the roof at night and paint out fake constellations. It was the little things that haunted him. But he would rather have you away from this dark world than drag you in it.

“Brandon, listen your true fans will support and love you no matter what, look how they treated you and Charlotte. They will do the same with her, and plus if they don’t that’s okay, your family loves her, your friends life her and y’all love each other” his friend further pushes. “So get it through your thick skull and fucking talk to her,get your girl back, hug her kiss her before it’s too late, then it’ll really haunt you”

Brandon nods his head softly knowing one hundred percent his friend was right, texting Zion asking for your address, he grabs his keys rushing to your apartment.

The members left your house an hour ago, leaving you with a sore stomach, they made you laugh, they tried to teach you a dance. You really forgot about your problems for today. But when the moonlight peaked through your curtains. Your emotions would turn detrimental. Your doorbell rings just as you were heading towards your bedroom, confused and startled you wander towards the door, unlocking it you peep your head around seeing the raven haired boy, soaked from head to toe, his glasses glistening from the droplet.

“Brandon?” You question, Brandon weakly smiles at your sudden emotion, you never thought about the day you’d see him again. And now that he’s here your mind is empty. “May I come in?” His voice is soft being careful to think his words through.

“Yeah, of course you’re soaked” you open the door wider letting him step foot on your welcome mat. Closing the door and locking it behind him , Brandon starts taking off his shoes by the door tugging them away in the corner. “Want tea? Don’t want you sick when y’all start recording” you smile remembering how upset Brandon used to get whenever he had a cold and couldn’t record.

Music was his first love you would always tell him, but he’d always argue with you and say “no you’re my first love, stop trying to compete, with something you know you’ll win at”

“Sure, I’ll take your tea, just this time let’s hope you don’t give me diabetes” Brandon jokes

“That was one time !! Ugh” you yell, putting the water in the teapot you turn with the bag, turning around to meet Brandon’s eyes.

“Y/n?” His voice shakes “I’m here to say I’m sorry,you didn’t deserve to be in a toxic relationship, I didn’t deserve to give you pain, and to say I did it because I was scared of what the media would think is beyond fucking stupid” Brandon rarely cursed, and if he did he was serious about it, it had to be something he was passionate about it.

“I know your heart its way beyond being fixed, but I want to try, I want to take my time and heal you, and love you, because y/n I do love you more than I can comprehend, your pain is something I thought about for a while” Brandon reaches for your hand caressing your fingers. “I have a lot more words but I’d rather you hear it” Brandon’s voice vibrates appearing that he may break into tears soon. You nod your head getting the tea off and pouring it into a travel cup, adding in the organic honey and organic sugar, then stir with a spoon.

“I promise it’s not this sweet this time” you smile

“If it is that’s okay, I’ll drink it anyways” Brandon grabs your hand walking towards the door. Putting on his shoes. “What about me I need shoes” you try to turn around but Brandon pulls you closer lifting your legs off the ground.

“No worries your stuff is still at the house” getting outside you lock the door with the keys and he places your phone in his pocket. Running to the car you’re giggling in excitement and a sudden rush of butterflies. He places you in the car, rushing to his side as the rain started to trickledown.

“You’re insane” you giggle

“All because the name of love” he replies smiling

Arriving the the prettymuch house Brandon is holding you as he opens the front door with the key, walking in the house Zion and nick are in the couch. “Hey y’all” you giggle

Zion can’t help but to smile a little “hey” he lets out softly, Brandon smiles back at Zion nodding his head, Zion winks at him and Brandon walks to his room. Placing you down on your feet. You scan his room looking at his new set up, really have changed his sense of style. Brandon grabs your hand sitting you on the chair next to him.

“I can sing better than I can talk, so listen to this” he places his headphones on your head. The guitar begins to strum with the soft vocals of Brandon singing the first lyric of the song “How do I measure up to heights you've been to? How could I ever love you like you're meant to?” Looking at Brandon his fingers tap against the wooden table. Your eyes focused on the fidgeting nerves in my jawline. Sooner or later the chorus comes around.

“Never thought something so beautiful could haunt you Haunt you, haunt you”

You could feel the emotions in this song. Yeah you know he didn’t write it but he sung it as if he did, because it was meant for you to hear. After the song is done you look Brandon in the eyes. Hes biting his nails aching at your sudden response. He wasn’t prepared for your words. You sit on his lap cupping his head. “Brandon, my heart isn’t past broken it’s still trying to heal, and I’m scared, I’ve wished for this day I wished for this conversation, but I don’t know what to say”

Brandon’s eyes sparkling into euphoria, you can tell he’s still in love with you, but you were scared of what may happen. “Brandon I’m really scared” you whisper

“I’m sorry I made you scared baby, but I just wanted it to be known that my actions weren’t the way I truly felt, I still and will always love you” Brandon kisses your cheeks, his hand rubbing your back softly. “Would you like me to take you back home?” Brandon asks you.

“No, I wanna stay here and work it out with my boyfriend” you blurt out, Brandon widen his eyes up at you trying to calm the nerves laugh building up in his throat “I’m scared but I wanna give it chance, Brandon I still love you a lot and if theirs a chance of maybe reconnecting I’ll give it a go” you giggle caressing the nape of his neck “but can we take it slow?”

“Slow burns are all I want with you” Brandon mumbles pulling you into a soft kiss wrapping his arms around your waist,lifting you up the both of you lay down on the bed. You in his chest with one leg on top of his. “You know if I fuck this up Zion said he would beat my ass?” Brandon laughs

“Really? Zion has feelings?” You laugh caressing his jawline with your fingernails, Brandon nods his head falling into your trance while rubbing the tips of y’all noses together “I’ve missed you so much” you whisper

“I’ve missed you more babylove, so much” Brandon hums on your ear laying kisses from your ear to your lips “and I love you” Brandon just spills his body tensing at the words that flew out. you just giggling kissing his lips on last time. “I love you too honey”

#prettymuch #prettymuch imagines #brandon arreaga #brandon arreaga concepts #brandon imagines

[kyrenrayne69]

9.20.2020, 9:19pm

I don’t know why I’m here really. I’ve just been kind of feeling weird? lately. Like I can’t explain how I’m feeling or what’s causing it, but I just haven’t really been feeling myself lately. Like I haven’t really been living these past few days. By that I mean that I’ve done things and time has passed, but sitting here now, I just feel like I haven’t been a part of those things. Like it wasn’t me who was doing them. Almost like I’ve been out of body and in a state of existence but unconsciousness? for the past couple of weeks.

Besides that I’ve been very manic depressive. I’ll have a day where I’m very energetic and all about self care and dressing cute and wanting to do impulsive things. The next day I’ll be super down and hate myself and be really fed up with everyone and everything. And this cycle just kind of repeats.

I hung out with my sister one day last week. Our plan was just to get drunk and have fun because it’s rare that I have any time to just chill lately. Well, she ended up sitting me down and having this long, serious conversation with me about how she thinks I’m in a bad place right now and need to do something to get out of it. I won’t go into the details of it, but I felt that she’d gotten a lot of it right. She also did a tarot card reading for me (she’s really into that stuff. I’m not, but I don’t not believe in it), and everything really seemed to add up. It was almost uncanny. I’ve really been thinking over everything she said, actually planning and taking it serious, and some part of me agrees but another sees a lot of drawbacks to her idea. I still haven’t really made up my mind on it, but I have time.

One of the things that she did get wrong (at least in my eyes) is my eating disorder. She told me that she thinks I obsess over my weight and make myself throw up because in my current situation, my weight is the only thing I can control. I don’t think that’s why I do it. I just see myself in the mirror and think that I look disgusting. I want to be skinny and prettier. That’s why I do it.

On that note, I’ve hit below the weight “tier” I was previously at (i.e. if I weighed 96 lbs before now I weigh 89, or if I weighed 102 lbs before now I weigh 99. idk if that makes sense). I don’t really want to share my actually weight because I’m sure that some people will still think I’m fat, but I’ve lost about 50 recently. I’m less than 20 pounds away from my goal weight. If I reach that I’ll be so freaking pumped. I doubt that I’ll stop throwing up after I reach my goal though. Despite it being my goal, I’d obviously still like to be skinnier.

Although I’ve still been making myself sick after eating, I have been being slightly more healthy. I’ve been actually eating less and not as unhealthy foods. I’ve also started casually working out, mostly focusing on my arms and stomach atm. I’m hoping that that’ll help me reach my weight goal faster.

*[I came back after adding my tags because I forgot about this.] I cut myself again recently. It was quite a bit, but I haven’t really thought about it since. It had been a while since I’ve done it, but I’ve just been feeling really overwhelmed lately. It seemed to help at the moment, and now I haven’t felt like doing it again so maybe it did actually help this one time lol.

Completely unrelated, I mentioned this in a previous post, but one of my dogs recently passed away. Ever since that day, our house has felt really empty. I love my other dogs, but I just sort of feel like I’m going through the motions with them now. Like I’m not excited to feed them or take them out. It’s all just sort of things that I do. None of it really seems real. Just that it’s happening. It’s a lot like that feeling of emptiness I mentioned in the beginning. Maybe it’s related, who knows.

The last serious thing I want to talk about is my education and career. This is supposed to be my last semester of university before graduation, as long as I pass my classes. But I just haven’t been motivated. I don’t know if it’s because of the new online class format that we have to use or if I’m finally just burnt out from my years of schooling, but I just don’t feel interested or motivated. I’m hoping to get out of this slump though because I would hate for my last semester to be the one that holds me back after so long. However, I’m also scared to be getting out of school and starting a career. Maybe I’m self-sabotaging myself because I’m nervous. I like my current part-time job enough and wouldn’t mind staying there for a while, but I know I need to get out into the real job world and try to get a better paying, more stable job.

Now that that’s all off my chest, I at least have one positive thing to look forward to. Well, two I guess. The first is that Cyberpunk 2077 comes out in a couple of months. I preordered that game like a year ago, so I’m excited for that to finally release lol. The other thing is that I actually managed to get a ps5 preorder. As a long time playstation fan, I’m super excited. It’s kind of exactly what I need in my life right now. A bit of fun in an otherwise bleak and boring reality. I can’t wait for it to arrive.

Sorry for the long rant, if anyone actually reads this. I just had a lot to think about lately.

#9.20.2020 #tw #trigger #trigger warning #feelings #emotions #personal #rant #ranting #vent #venting #depression #manic #manic depression #weight #eating #eating disorder #bulimia #self image #self harm #family #sister #pet #pets #dog #dogs #bennie #school #college #job

[huds-hub]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; MUN & MUSE - MEME

FILL OUT & REPOST ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

Stolen from @mrfunnybone. Since this meme has a bias for canon muses, I’m tagging two of my favorite canon writers that I know didn’t fill this out yet: @soulcoerced and @spearslinger (I wonder if a fellow Undyne RPer has a different take on some of these questions? ^^;;). For everyone else, feel free to steal it and tag me if you do! I’m curious to see how OC muns answer some of these questions...

MY MUSE IS:   CANON / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated [[ The adult version of my muse is canon, but her teenage equivalent is not present anywhere in Undertale / Deltarune. So, uh… canon but kind of complicated I guess??? I like describing my muse as canon-wise. My Deltarune fishies are undoubtedly AUs at most, canon-divergent at least. ]]

[[ Mun’s note: I’m going to cheat on this. For the next 8 questions, I’ll answer for both Undyne as my teen muse AND regular adult canon Undertale Undyne. My thoughts on her counts as something, right? My muse is based on canon! ]]

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK [[ Undyne’s character to the rest of the fandom is unpopular (compared to Sans, Chara, Gaster, etc…). It’s a shame, because her dialogue portraits alone would make great meme fodder. HOWEVER, among Undyne fans, I notice there’s an interest in depicting her early years because she’s one of the few cast members who’s had their childhood explicitly mentioned. ]]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK [[ She’d better not be, because my muse is a  C H I L D. As far as I’ve seen, canon adult Undyne is depicted more often as a ‘badass’ than a ‘sexy fish.’ ]]

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK [[ Younger Undyne is definitely interpreted to be a determined, tough kid. Of course it’s the same for adult canon Undyne. It’s basically her most distinct character trait. ]]

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK [[ Lordy, Undyne as a whole is entirely underrated by the fandom... ]]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO [[ OMG... you’re gonna get me started. I’m marking ‘no’ on this question because this is supposed to be about my aged-down muse. But Undyne... sweet violent Undyne’s very important to Undertale’s story! *fangirling START* Besides being the mid-point antagonist in the game, Undyne adds a layer of the theme of DETERMINATION to the game and how it can manifest in monsters if their bodies are strong enough to handle it. In an allegorical sense, she represents extremism in reaction to oppression and how that passion can take on the form of extreme love or extreme hatred depending on circumstance. So HELL YEAH she’s important to the main story of the game! AAAHILoveThisFish!! *fangirling END* ]]

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. [[ Same as the previous answer for my teen Undyne: begrudgingly marking this with a ‘no’... It’s a YES for canon Undyne. In all routes, original game’s Undyne is the first character who is purposefully trying to kill the Player. Players can’t get the best ending without helping her hook up with Alphys and not incurring her wrath by killing any monster. In the worst ending, she’s one of the two antagonists that put up enough of a fight to make any player abort the Genocide Route. ]]

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO [[ My muse WANTS to be significant to her world. In the original game, Undyne’s only mentioned by others in Snowdin and Waterfall (not counting Alphys in Hotland). She’s described as a “local hero” by Gerson. I get a sense she’s not exactly famous to the people in the entire Underground compared to, say, Mettaton. ]]

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL [[ Oof. Pretty sure my teen fish annoys the residence of Waterfall for being a loud-mouthed little scamp. The only reason she’s not considered ‘bad’ is because it’s pent-up energy and misguidedness, not flat-out cruelty. In canon, it seems like the people who talk about Undyne do it in either a positive or neutral light. You have Monster Kid, Papyrus, and Onionsan singing her praises. The Royal Guard members respect her. Asgore thought of her well enough to have her lead his military. Uhh, for a neutral instance, I remember an NPC in Snowdin saying she’s “loud, rude, and beats up anybody who gets in her way” (I don’t remember the exact quote). To weigh this more on the side of my muse, I’ll mark this answer as ‘neutral.’ ]]

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?  [[ Since I have an aged-down character, canon is literally my END GOAL! I gave her a “starting point” on her journey to the determined, dedicated, and excitable warrior fish we all know and love from the game. I filled in the gaps from there, using parts of her past mentioned in the game to glue the headcanons together. Deciding what she was like when she was younger – What’s her family background? What aspects about her changed as she matures? What internal and external conflicts would she deal with as a teen? – THAT’S the non-canon part. My Deltarune AUs are… different. Canon is my end goal too, but the timelines are all wonky to fit the needs of wanting to interact with the Fun Gang. LOL ]]

SELL YOUR MUSE! AKA TRY TO LIST EVERYTHING, WHICH MAKES YOUR MUSE INTERESTING IN YOUR OPINION TO MAKE THEM SPICY FOR YOUR MUTUALS.   [[ This kid is spunky, loyal, compassionate of the plight of her people, and will see through anything she sets her mind to, despite life’s barriers. She’s got a lot of pent-up energy and is searching for what she can do with it to help her achieve her goal of setting Monsterkind free! ]]

NOW THE OPPOSITE, LIST EVERYTHING WHY YOUR MUSE COULD NOT BE SO INTERESTING (EVEN IF YOU MAY NOT AGREE, WHAT DOES THE FANDOM PERHAPS THINK?).  [[ The teen fishy has a streak of selfishness and short-sightedness. Being honest, Undyne would be a racial supremacist if she existed in real life. Big yikes. Also, she’s willingly being trained as a child soldier. Another big yikes right there. ]]

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?   [[ Ages ago, I RPed the adult version of Undyne, which resulted in a bunch of headcanons for her past. I had no desire to RP any of them after it ended. A year later, I commissioned an artist for a Gerson vs. teen Undyne piece. That single-handedly made me want to get back into RPing again. ]]

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?   [[ My fellow RPers wanting to interact with this silly fishy! When I first started, I expected my interest to peter out over the months. I didn’t expect many RPers wanting to interact with an aged-down character. But here I am, wanting to expand my headcanons further and making AUs so I’m not limited to canon. ^^ It’s all thanks to you guys!! ]]

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO?

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF?     [[ I should do it more often TBH. But I find showing them via story-telling more fulfilling than just explicitly explaining them in posts. Plus, it gives me more leeway if I’m still playing around with an idea. ;) ]]

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO  [[ I’m not counting the three pending drabbles until I finish them. ^^;; ]]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO [[ She finds a way to bother me! Usually in the form of sudden inspiration for how to respond to RPs. ]]

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF? [[ Sometimes I wonder if I forgot some aspect about Undyne that’s in canon, or unintentionally exaggerating other less-important aspects of her other characteristics… ]]

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO / SORT OF? [[ Generally, yes. But I do have my days when I suffer from low self-confidence. ]]

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / SORT OF? [[ It depends on what’s meant by that. I’m sensitive to other people’s feelings, so I don’t intend to sound rude OOC, even if I’m expressing something negative about something I think the other did. If this is referring to being sensitive about events in RPs… my sensitivity is equivalent to that of being invested in any work of fiction. I know it’s not reality. I can pull away from the fictional world and it won’t bring down my real life. ]]

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?   [[ If it’s given in good faith and is constructive, sure. ]]

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?   [[ Hell yeah, give them to me! ]]

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  [[ It depends if they want to tell me. I don’t mind either way. Personally, I like hearing other people’s interpretations! ]]

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?   [[ *shrug* It doesn’t matter as long as they don’t harass me. ]]

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?   [[ I’d just ignore it. They don’t need to interact or follow me. If my muse really is a bother to them, they can block my account. ]]

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?   [[ I hope my grammar’s good enough, or else my English degree studies went to waste! But yeah, sure. Fun fact: explaining grammar rules so people can avoid major errors in the future is more helpful than nit-picking insignificant errors without explanations. ]]

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?   [[ As long as fellow RPers aren’t being rude OOC, don’t break any serious rules, or do something that I mention are personal triggers to me, I am easy-going! RPing is fun and it should stay that way for everybody involved! ]]

#mun monday #ooc #long post #yikes that took me a week to finish writing #but it was fun #this post was such a pain to format

[fulltimeviking]

Hoppípolla

Summary: Hiccup is a semi-stressed out chief and Nuffink is just a hyper active ball of energy wanting to play in some rain puddles with his Dad - Takes place a year before the epilogue in httyd 3 and is based off of a Sigur Rós song. 

Imma be real with you chief - this is 100% unapologetic fluff, written purely for the reason that I just needed some more fluffy fics about the Haddock family in my life and decided to provide some myself no matter how badly written or rusty my fanfic writing skills are 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also forgive me if it seems a bit unpolished or kind of rushed, I’ve been trying to get this done for weeks and yesterday I finally put my foot down and decided I was going to finish it this week, and I managed to wrap it all up this evening. I’m also lowkey drugged up on medication atm so I wrote the last paragraph and edited the entire thing through half lidded eyes, so if you see a spelling mistake, that’s probably why. 

Anyway I could make up excuses about my writing and keep putting off posting this all day but I’m going to stfu now - I hope you like it!

“So you have all the plans? Nothing else you need or-” “I’ve got everything I need to start right here” Fishlegs patted the scrolls “I promise you’ve got nothing to worry about chief, I’ve got it all under control” “right” Hiccup sighed a little, another weight off his shoulders “great, thank you”. 

A passing storm had done some wreckage to a few houses and whatnot and everyone else had been preoccupied with their own reconstructions, the chief being left with the bulk of it all, but his council members had been willing to help out and for that he couldn’t be more grateful.

Nuffink was sat down fidgeting with the hem of his oversized tunic, swinging his legs on a chair ten times too big for him in the Ingerman’s living room, it wasn’t an anomaly for the chief and chieftess to bring the kids on errands with them and at this point Zephyr and Nuffink were fully accustomed to it. That didn’t stop them from being boring sometimes though, especially when the rain had calmed down and there were over a hundred puddles outside with his name on them. “Nuffink?” Hiccup called from the door “we’re done now!” the little boy perked up and slid down from the seat, running to the to meet his father who picked him up and rested him on his hip “now what do we say?” he asked him as they stepped outside. Nuffink looked blank for a second “umm- oh, thank you for letting me sit in your house Uncle Fishlegs”

“Awwww the pleasure is all mine little guy” Fishlegs cooed “you’re welcome round any time” “thank you again” Hiccup said “they just grow up so fast don’t they?” the ingerman carried on “Little kids, I swear he was getting carried around like a baby not that long ago” he said a little tearily “… you okay there?” “yep!” he answered too quickly and rubbed at his eyes “it’s the humidity… because of the rain, and allergy seasons coming...  makes my eyes misty” he shuffled awkwardly for a second before quickly turning on his heel and going back inside “see you around chief!” he didn’t wait for a response as he shut the front door hastily behind him.

“Well” Hiccup looked at his son with a smile and Nuffink showed off his own toothy little grin “guess we’re heading home now bud” Hiccup moved to start walking down the steps but Nuffink wriggled around in protest “I want to walk!” he insisted “okay okay” his dad chuckled and put him down “hold my hand while we walk down the stairs though, yeah?” he offered his hand and Nuffink instinctively took hold of it - just one of the upsides to having such a cuddly child “don’t want you to faceplant in the floor again” Hiccup mumbled under his breath cringing a little at the memory - stairs had never been such a menace.

He kept his eye on his son as they walked carefully down the slippery stone steps, the little boy walking one at a time and looking intently at the big rain puddle at the bottom. Hiccup grinned “big step down here buddy, you’ll have to jump!” Nuffink’s face lit up instantly and Hiccup kept hold of his hand, helping him jump up a little higher so he splashed down hard into the puddle, making him giggle in delight. He let go of his father’s hand and ran ahead, splashing around in all the massive rain puddles the small storm had left behind, the actual rain now just mere droplets so he didn’t need to worry about the boy catching a cold.

The two stayed that way for a while, Nuffink running ahead and splashing in all the puddles before him, his dad not too far behind with a small smile on his face that he couldn’t contain.

Maybe it was just because he was still a relatively new parent, only 5 years in the game and whatnot - but Nuffink although a little quiet, was an adventurous and turbulent kid, and seeing his offspring so joyful and carefree made him ridiculously happy. “Daddy!” the 3 year old snapped him from his thoughts and tugged on his sleeve, pulling him as best as he could towards the small pools of water ahead of them “oh no, no can do buddy” Hiccup pulled back a little and laughed awkwardly - he always tried to deny it when his wife, or his friends, or his village accused it of being so, but he had to admit he really hated to say no to either of his children.

Nuffink cocked his eyebrow, puzzled “why?”

“Because I could hurt myself”

“Why?”

Hiccup knelt down to his level and pointed at his prosthetic “because of my leg, you know my fake leg?” Nuffink nodded knowingly “It’s metal see” Hiccup gave it a knock to prove his point “so it makes it easier for me to slip-” “I won’t let you slip!” he insisted and took a tight hold of his father’s hand, pulling him along. The chief nearly fell forward on his face but caught himself last minute, walking hunched over at a low level as his youngest child dragged him onwards “I’ll hold your hand daddy and you won’t fall!” “Nuffink!” Hiccup tried to sound firm but laughed heartily instead, great job Hiccup, very disciplinary, he thought. Without warning the toddler gave him another tug and pulled his father into one of the multiple shallow puddles on their path home. Before his dad could get in a word of protest Nuffink grabbed at his free hand, jumping up and down. Hiccup sighed, though truthfully he had no intention of not indulging him, he took a slightly tighter hold of his hands as he raised him up and let him drop back down with an almighty splash “Again!” his son kept demanding eagerly grinning “Okay! Up again!” Hiccup obliged everytime and lifted him up. One time he lifted him with a bit more gusto, and dropped him down hard sending water up in both their faces making Nuffink laugh and wipe at his face with his hands.

Hiccup forgot that it was his son that was the small support that kept him in one place as he took a step forward, accidentally placed his prosthetic on a small rock in the floor and slipped, landing on his backside in the water cursing and making his son laugh even harder. “Oh it’s funny is it? my pain is funny to you?” He joked as he moved onto his knees and Nuffink giggled “it is?!” Hiccup said in pretend shock and the young boy shrieked in laughter “oh my gods, of all people, my own son!” he dramatised “the betrayal!”

Nuffink pulled at his arm “stoooppp” he whined guiltily “I’m sorry” “Buddy I’m just joking” He smiled reassuringly and ruffled the boys dampened hair “okay” his son was unable to hide the mischievous smirk on his face before completely splashing his father in the face and running off “what- you tricked me!” Hiccup said in disbelief, albeit a little impressed. Oh yeah, he’s his mother’s son. He gathered himself and set off in a careful run so he wouldn’t slip, and tried to catch up to him, the two laughing ridiculously. They carried on like that for what felt like nowhere near enough time, messing around in the rain puddles, Hiccup enjoying it almost as much as his son, but more because he was spending time with his child and less because he enjoyed getting splashed in the face with cold water.

Every time there was a long puddle Nuffink ran straight at it and went sliding on his tummy, his dad only a pace behind him ready to help him up so the little boy could set off looking for more. Whenever Hiccup thought he was going to slip and fall again he’d slide to the ground on his knees before his prosthetic got its chance, Nuffink took to habit of using this opportunity to kick a bit of water at him and even though it barely reached him, Hiccup would act appalled, get up and catch him by his arms and swing him around, his boots skimming the water on the ground and the boy screaming in delight.

His father couldn’t wipe the stupid smile off of his face, it’d probably been the most relaxed  and happy he’d felt in a while - although the storm was passing, it was a big one and probably wouldn’t die out for another few days or so if the elder was right, and she was always right. The thought gave the young chief a migraine, he hated to admit it, it felt like admitting defeat in a way, but the workload seemed to pile up easy for him so easy these days and he’d be lying if he said it never got on top of him.

Then ironically enough, it was the thing that should have been one of the most stress-inducing things that turned out to be a source of relief. Zephyr and Nuffink. Not even just playing, but spending time with and being around his children made him feel like he himself was a young boy - spending time with his own father… it dwindled as he got older, the war between dragon and viking taking its toll. They grew apart. From the minute Hiccup found out he was going to become a father with his first he had had been slightly fearful of history repeating itself, but hearing his youngest laugh and watching him look up at him with those familiar green eyes made him 100% certain of one thing. He would never let that happen, not in a million years.

He shook his head and scoffed at himself. Thor almighty, he was turning way too soft.

The wind started to pick up - it blew by not too bad but enough to make Hiccup and the boy shiver in their drenched clothes. Hiccup looked up at the sky and saw the storm clouds getting darker, covering up the what would’ve been a nice sunset. He grimaced, more bad weather meant more damage to occur and more work to be done, though the toddler’s sniffling snapped him back to his current situation. Nuffink’s clothes were entirely soaked through, his boots making funny sounding squelching noises as he walked and his long-ish blonde hair hung dripping down his face.

Hiccup stopped and knelt down to try sort him out a bit, he brushed his hair back with his fingers so it didn’t hang over his eyes and tried to wring out the bottom of his tunic best he could without taking it off him and making the poor bugger shiver any more then he was.

Nuffink wasn’t one to complain too much, he was a relatively well behaved child, but the look of discomfort on his face at being wet and cold was unmistakable, the puddles suddenly seeming a lot less appealing then his warm comfortable house. “I think we better hurry on home now bud” his dad noted as the rain started again. Hiccup took off the fur chiefs cloak he wore and wrapped it snug around Nuffink before picking him up to carry him -  it was so big on him it hung down by such a margin that if you looked from a distance you would think he were carrying a baby “better not catch a cold eh?”

The chief picked up the pace, sticking to the dry bits of grass as the rain picked up and came down heavier, fortunately the bulk of the storm only kicking in once they finally entered the Haddock household.

Zephyr was sat at the table, drawing something in one of her many little notebooks, whilst Astrid tended to dinner, which by the look of their seemingly clean little kitchen area, must have been prepared by somebody else (thank odin). The boys presence became known when Hiccup shut the door behind him hastily before any rain could fly in, Zephyr looked up from her drawing and laughed a little at the sight of them “aha! Momma look! They’re all wet!” the girls mother turned around and stared a little

Astrid stood back, taking in the sopping wet mess before her, hands on her hips looking them both up in down in question “what in Thor’s name have you two been doing?” Nuffink tugged on one of his dad’s braids as he nuzzled his head into the crook of his shoulder, tired from his days ventures. Hiccup looked at Astrid with a daft grin “puddle hopping”.

#I'm so tired #and my head hurts #but this took me forever and I'll be damned if I didn't post her tonight #I hope you all like it! #I was going to put a link for ao3 but I think I'll post it on there and update this post with a link in the morning #Hiccup #Hiccup Haddock #Nuffink #Nuffink Haddock #Haddock family #httyd #httyd 3 #httyd 3 spoilers #httyd thw #httyd thw spoilers #my writing #my fic #oneshot fic

[sign-from-god-complex]

A Gift From Me To You - Chapter 3

Chapter Summary: Patton reminisces, reflects, and helps Virgil work some things out.

Warnings: A continuation of Virgil’s panic attack from the last chapter and some negative thinking. (If there’s anything else let me know!)

A/N: I think I’m pretty happy with this chapter overall! Ngl, a tiny bit worried about keeping up the schedule of posting every two weeks considering that I only have one more chapter pre-written so far--I'm working on chapter 5 atm--but hopefully I'll manage to get some stuff done in the next couple weeks now that I'm a lil less busy.

But anyway, I hope y’all like it!!!

AO3 Link //  Link to Chapter One! //  And Two!

————————————————

Patton’s first class had gone by like a breeze. Truthfully, he felt like he was walking on air. He knows he told Roman that nothing had changed, but really, it was hard not to be a little bit excited when you find out the boy you love is as perfect for you as you’d always thought.

Of course, his excitement also came with a few points of sadness as well.

When you don’t have a soulmark, society doesn’t see any of your relationships as more important than any other. Everything had equal potential. A friend had the potential to become your best friend or a partner. A partner had the potential to become someone you hated or someone you’d spend the rest of your life with. It was a grab bag; nothing was guaranteed.

When you had a soulmate, that person was always going to be the most important person to you in society’s eyes. It didn’t matter if you had a partner you loved with all your heart, your soulmate was more important than them. It didn’t matter if you had someone else you wanted to ask to be your boyfriend too, your soulmate was more important than them. Your soulmate was always going to be more important than them.

Patton hated that line of thinking.

There wasn’t some weird cap on the amount of love you can give out to people—if Patton’s parents had taught him one thing, it was that. Patton was perfectly capable of loving someone else just as much as he loved Ro, and as a matter of fact, he did. He was just afraid he’d missed his window.

Logan had weird beliefs about soulmates. Despite Patton’s insistence that they’re just another form of relationship, no different than a regular friendship or boyfriend—except maybe a bit closer—Logan refused to agree. He remained adamant that soulmates were somehow more special and resulted in an infinitely closer bond that none of the three of them could ever understand.

It bothered Patton because he always looked so bitter as he said it. Logan wasn’t a romantic, in fact, he’d expressly stated on more than one occasion that he was glad he didn’t have a soulmate. It was something him and Roman had argued about several times before, slightly more angrily than their regular arguments since it seemed to be a sore spot for both of them.

Patton wished he knew why soulmarks upset Logan so much, but he refused to talk about it. Every time Patton asked Logan just mumbled something about abandonment or hypocrites, before changing the subject.

Logan would definitely see his and Roman’s relationship as more “special” or “important” than either of their relationships with him and this worried Patton a lot. Barring any other feelings Patton may have for Logan, he didn’t want to lose their friendship because Logan thought Patton cared about him less than he cared about Ro, or something equally as silly.

He’d managed to convince Roman to hold off saying anything to Logan until they were both there, but they knew they had to talk to him about it today, or else Logan may find out through someone other than them. They didn’t want to risk him feeling like they didn’t trust him or something.

A lot of their evening had been spent discussing what was going to happen with Logan now that they had soulmarks, actually. Because this was more than just Patton being worried about slipping away from his best friend, Patton was also worried about losing his chance to ask Logan on a date so soon after him and Roman had finally worked it out.

The day he had confessed to Roman that he had a crush on Logan had not been a good day.

Patton had come to realise his feelings for Logan at some point almost 6 months ago. It wasn’t like Logan did one thing and suddenly Patton had felt completely differently towards him than he had before, it was more subtle than that. Patton had noticed one day just how his feelings had changed from that platonic appreciation he had felt when he met Logan to something more complex.

And it had been exciting! Patton liked developing new feelings for people! It just filled his heart with wonderful new possibilities. And sure, there was a chance things wouldn’t work out, but there always was, and he was willing to risk it anyway.

The two of them had gone back to Roman’s house after school that day. Logan didn’t join them as he had a test to study for and Patton had thought it was the perfect time to tell Roman about his feelings. Communication was the secret to a healthy relationship after all; it wouldn’t do to keep something this important from his boyfriend.

Patton sometimes forgot that not everybody saw the world as he did. So when hurt had flashed across Roman’s face as quick and bright as a shooting star, Patton had realised he’d messed up.

Roman had turned away almost instantly, though not before Patton had seen tears welling up in his eyes.

“Oh, shoot, Ro,” he’d whispered, “No. Hey, hey, hey, come here.”

Roman had walked over to the window, away from Patton, wrapping his arms around himself. He’d been shaking slightly and Patton had longed to hold him until he was okay again.

“Logan’s great,” Roman’s voice had broken, though Patton had known he was trying not to show it, “I’m sure you two will be very happy together.”

With a barely audible sigh, Patton had moved to stand behind Roman, leaving some distance between them.

“Roman Prince, you turn around and look at me right now,” Patton had said, as sternly as he could muster. Which hadn’t been very stern, considering he’d been watching Roman’s heart break right in front of him and it was all his fault. He should have been more careful.

Roman had turned around, his eyes falling on a spot over Patton’s shoulder, and Patton’s gaze had followed the tear tracks leading down Roman’s face. All he’d wanted to do was wipe them away and wrap his arms around him, but he knew he couldn’t. Not yet.

“Roman.”

Patton’s voice had been soft and kind and infused with all the love Patton had for him. It’d caused Roman to flick his eyes to land on Patton’s face and in return, Patton had given a soft smile.

“I love you,” Patton had put as much conviction into the words as was possible, urging Roman to believe him, “I love you so, so much.”

Roman’s eyes had become watery again, and he’d sniffed slightly as Patton had put his hands on Roman’s waist, drawing him in closer.

“I have an infinite amount of love,” Patton had said, “You know that about me.”

Roman had laughed a little as he nodded. Patton loved Roman’s laugh. It was anywhere from big and boisterous to soft and shy, and every time he heard it it made him want to cover Roman’s face in kisses. But this laugh was tired and self-deprecating and Patton couldn’t stand for that.

“I love animals; I love cookies; I love my parents,” Patton had continued, “I love sunsets and I love hugs. I love onesies and blankets and helping people in need.”

He’d looked Roman directly in the eye.

“I love you. And I love Logan.”

Patton had paused for a second, thinking his next words through. Their breathing had been soft and quiet, barely taking up an inch of space in the bedroom.

“I don’t love you any less because I also love cookies. It’s not like, onesies get 15% of my love and animals get 23% and I have to ration it all out. You all get 100% of my love. You, Roman, get 100% of my love.”

A tear had rolled down Roman’s cheek and Patton had moved his hand from Roman’s waist to wipe it away. As Patton’s thumb had slid across his skin another tear had mirrored the action on Roman’s other cheek, so Patton had reached up to cradle Roman’s face in his hands.

Roman’s eyes had been closed. Tears had clung to his eyelashes and his face was covered in a light blush. He’d looked so fragile and beautiful that Patton couldn’t have done anything but slowly bring their lips together.

The kiss hadn’t been heated, but it had been warm. Roman had poured every insecurity he had into it and Patton had felt his chest expand as he’d responded with love. The kiss had been soft and slow, like a lazy Sunday morning waking up next to your partner, the sun shining in through the open curtains, knowing you’re safe and you are loved. Patton knew he was safe and loved, and he’d needed Roman to know he was too.

As they’d broken away, Patton had leaned his forehead against Roman’s. Roman’s hands had migrated to rest on Patton’s hips, so Patton had linked his hands together behind Roman’s neck, gazing into his boyfriend’s eyes.

“My love for Logan does not diminish my love for you, my dear,” Patton had finished, “I love you with all my heart and I always will.”

Patton was pushed from his reminiscing by a text from his aforementioned boyfriend.

👑 My Prince 👑: cute boy just ran me down in the hallway. seemed upset. can you go check on him? i gotta get to class.

Patton smiled. Roman seemed to act like he didn’t care about other people’s feelings sometimes, but that wasn’t true at all. Half of the people Patton comforted he only knew were upset because Roman pointed them out to him.

Roman knew Patton loved helping people and Roman liked to claim he wasn’t any good at comfort, though Patton knew that wasn’t true either. Really, he thinks the incident with Logan spooked him. Roman was always excellent at cheering Patton up when he was upset, just another way they worked so well together.

He had a free period now, which Roman knew, so he typed out his reply.

Patton-Pending: Sure!! Where were you?? <3

Barely a second went by before Patton got another text; Roman always was a scarily fast typer.

👑 My Prince 👑: main corridor of the west building, near the english classrooms. he was headed towards the bathrooms i think xx

Patton-Pending: On it!!! Xxx

Thankfully in Patton’s nostalgic haze, he’d wandered somewhat in the direction of the right building, so it only took him a couple minutes to arrive at the bathrooms Roman had indicated.

As he pushed open the door, Patton could hear heavy breaths echo around the room, interspersed with the occasional quietly muttered swear word. Patton wanted to chastise the boy for his language, but he also knew that now really wasn’t the time.

“Hey, kiddo, you alright in there?” Patton asked as he slid down the wall to sit outside the boy’s bathroom stall.

It was a mostly rhetorical question since Patton knew he clearly wasn’t alright, but his answer, or lack thereof, could give Patton some insight into his state of mind.

There was a slight hitch in the breathing, but no audible reply from the other side of the door, so Patton tried again.

“Kiddo, I’m gonna need you to breathe with me, okay? Do you think you can do that for me?” he paused for one moment, but after receiving no reply, continued, “Knock once for yes, twice for no.”

There was an agonising moment where he didn’t think he was going to get an answer from the boy at all before Patton heard one quiet knock on the bathroom floor. He breathed out a sigh of relief. Although there were things he could still do to help the boy calm down, it was much easier with some degree of cooperation.

“Alright, you’re doing so well already, okay? I just need you to breathe with me, in for four, hold for seven and out for eight and I’m gonna count out loud, okay?”

There was one more soft knock before Patton began to count, listening carefully to the boy’s breathing to check whether he was able to follow along. There were a few failed attempts, the boy’s breathing unsteady and panicked, but after several minutes, he seemed to have calmed down quite considerably. Patton relaxed just a little bit more.

There was a short moment of silence before the boy spoke up, “Thank you.”

Patton smiled. The boy’s voice was sort of croaky, but Patton was glad that he felt confident enough to talk to him. Patton may even be able to get him to discuss what it was that made him so upset in the first place, as long as he makes it clear that he’s willing to listen.

“No problem, kiddo! That’s what I’m here for!” Patton responded, “My name’s Patton, what about you?”

There was a quiet, semi-humourous chuckle from the other boy.

“You can call me Anxiety.”

Patton hummed slightly. If Anxiety wanted to go by a fake name, Patton wasn’t going to call him out on it. There are tons of reasons why he might not want Patton to know who he is, including feeling embarrassed about having a panic attack in the bathroom.

“Okay, Anxiety,” Patton said, “You think you feel up to talking about what made you so upset?”

There was a long enough pause that Patton felt for sure he was going to refuse to talk, but just as Patton was going to let him know that there’s no pressure to agree, Anxiety said, “I found my soulmate today.”

Patton gasped. “That’s amazing! I’m so happy for y-”

“No.”

Anxiety’s voice was harsh and pained. Patton immediately snapped his mouth shut. He should have been more careful. It was clear that this had upset Anxiety, so he shouldn’t have acted so excited about something that was obviously not a positive experience for him. Before he could apologise though, Anxiety pushed on.

“He… He already has a boyfriend. And they’re good together. Better than we could ever be, I’m sure. He’s- God, Patton, he’s too good for me. I know that soulmarks are designed by the universe, or whatever, but they must have made a mistake. I’m not good enough for him.”

Patton let Anxiety’s words wash over him as he tried to come up with some advice. He thought it was best to deal with this issue bit by bit, rather than addressing it all at once and overwhelming him.

“Now, kiddo, if you keep talking bad about yourself, I’m gonna have to physically fight you!”

There was another chuckle from Anxiety, though this one slightly more upbeat.

“Gonna have to get to me first, Pat.”

A few knocks sounded against the locked door of the bathroom stall, making Patton grin. If Anxiety was feeling good enough to joke around, then Patton was doing an okay job.

“Raincheck on the fighting then, kiddo,” he hummed, moving on to the next topic of discussion, “You know not all soulmates are romantic, right? Just because he has a boyfriend doesn’t mean you can’t be in his life.”

There was a sigh from Anxiety.

“I’ve had a crush on him for years, way before I knew we were soulmates. I don’t think I can do just friends,” his voice sounded muffled, like he was talking with his head in his hands.

Patton considered this for a second.

“Well, then what about polyamory?”

Patton was gearing up to give an explanation of polyamory and how it differed from cheating, all the usual stuff, but Anxiety beat him to it.

“I mean… I guess… but I don’t know. I still don’t understand why they’d want me. They’re better off without me.”

Patton frowned.

“Kiddo…”

“No, it’s true, Patton,” a sob broke free of Anxiety’s throat and Patton winced slightly.

He leaned over towards the door, wishing he was able to physically comfort Anxiety. The other boy may not necessarily want that, but Patton definitely wished the option was there.

“Just take a deep breath, love, everything is going to be fine,” he cooed, voice as soothing as he felt he could make it.

A laugh from the other side of the door, this one cracked and so sure of its lack of self-worth. It was hollow and messy and tired, filled with so much emotion and so much sadness but at the same time none at all. Patton tried to piece it together, attempting to get a handle on what he could say to make this okay, but it was almost overwhelming to think about.

“Is it, though? Is it going to be fine? I love him! But I can’t do this to him. He deserves better.”

Anxiety’s voice echoed around the bathroom, filling Patton’s ears with disjointed syllables, and he opened up his mouth to speak before he could even register what had been said.

“Well, don’t you think it’s up to him to make that choice?”

There was silence.

Patton wasn’t exactly sure where the advice came from, but it felt like the right path to go down. Before Anxiety could likely even open his mouth again, he pressed on.

“Shouldn’t you let him decide whether he wants to be with you or not? Is it really fair to deprive him of his soulmate just because you think he deserves some arbitrarily-decided ‘better’ person, who he may not even find? They may like you, but you haven’t even given them a chance. Other people always see things in us we don’t see in ourselves.”

Patton thought of Roman. Of how he always felt like he was everybody’s last choice, a consolation prize while you waited for the one you truly wanted. It didn’t matter how popular he got—those people didn’t matter—but the people he truly cared about, those are the ones he always felt will leave him when they get a better offer. A better offer that Patton knew in his heart didn’t exist. He wasn’t leaving Roman, not for anything; he was going to stick by his side until he realised that he was loved. All of him was loved.

Patton thought of Logan. Of how confident he was in his intelligence and how insecure he was in his emotions, never letting his real feelings shine through for fear of… what? Being shunned? Breaking down? Patton didn’t know, but he wanted to be there when it happened. He wanted to catch every falling piece of his broken best friend and help him understand that this is what he was made out of—stardust and light, not cogs and wires. He wanted to show him that it’s okay to be loved and to love in return.

Patton thought of himself. How he was never doing as much as he could be doing, and how he was always hurting the people he loved by being reckless. He thought of his family, how they were the best at everything they did, and all Patton was good for was making other people cry. He couldn’t help all the people he needed to help, it was all too much for one person to handle.

But when Patton felt hopeless, Roman was there. When Patton felt stupid, Logan was there. When Patton felt unloved and unwanted there were a dozen hands lifting him up showing him how wrong he was.

He wanted Anxiety to feel that too.

“Your self-worth issues are clouding your judgement,” Patton whispered, “We’re all human, Anxiety, we all have our issues. Nobody’s as perfect and wonderful as you think they are from a distance.”

There was a shaky inhale from the other side of the door.

“Yo-”

Anxiety’s sentence was interrupted by the sound of the bell. Patton heard him curse under his breath, he imagined due to having missed almost all of the period sitting in the bathrooms. Patton was about to ask Anxiety to continue when he heard the sound of shoes squeaking against the floor outside and the door to the bathroom flew open.

“I thought you were gonna call me, V-!”

The figure in the doorway stopped short, the bag they had in their hand swinging back-and-forth due to their abrupt stop; their other hand held a reusable Starbucks coffee cup, which now had spilt slightly from the top of the lid and onto their skin. Patton gave them a small smile and they returned with a nod, their previously shocked expression having melted into something more confident.

Dropping both the bag on their back and the bag in their hand at the door, they strode up to stand in front of Patton.

“I think I can take over from here, gurl,” they said, offering him their hand to get up.

Patton gratefully accepted before turning to face the bathroom stall once more.

“Anxiety,” Patton began, “‘There are millions of possibilities for the future, but it's up to you to choose which becomes reality. Please understand. You choose your own future,’ but you don’t have the right to choose other’s futures for them.”

Remy whistled. “Woah, deep.”

“It’s a Steven Universe quote,” Patton laughed, “Good luck, Anxiety; I have full faith in you.”

And with that, he walked out of the bathroom to find Roman and Logan for break.

————————————————

Chapter 4

————————————————

Tag list: @bunny222 @jadedfantasies231 @221b-quote @reinefandoms @i-really-dig-the-purple @bionic-egypt @not-so-innocent-bi-sander @mistress-jinx09 @soijusthavetoask @iamsexuallyattractedtopans @the-writersblock @theunoriginaldaisy @therubyjailcell @sandersfandersblog @hghrules

General tag list <333: @mutechild @super-magical-wizard  

#woo! new chapter! #glad to get that out of the way #maybe I can even write another one shot now #it's almost been a week I really need to get on that #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders side fic #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #lo can write

[rubyastari]

What I’ve Learned From Being Pickpocketed...for The Third Time!

“On July 30, at around 8:00 pm at Karet-Kuningan Trans-Jakarta Shelter, South Jakarta, somebody behind me had dared unzipped my backpack and taken my phone and wallet away. I'd realised then about 30 minutes later. My phone number is **-***********.

Fat chance that I'll ever get any of them back. So I'll be doing a lot of 'first things first' tomorrow, from visiting the police station to the bank to the Trans-Jakarta centre with a police warrant for a permit to watch their cctv records.

Whoever has my wallet and phone now, they'd better pray they'll never have to deal with me.”

 Alright, I know I sound scary when posting that on my social media. I guess many people could already tell just how freaked out I’d been when that happened.

For your information, this is the third time I’ve been pickpocketed. Believe me, this is not because of my pure recklessness. Jakarta is shady in so many ways. In short, let me recount the other two similar incidents:

1.    At the mall.

The first time I got pickpocketed was at one of the malls in South Jakarta, about a decade ago. (Yep, you can tell how old I am now!) That night with Ma, I was searching for a pair of new shoes for me.

The M.O. was the same: somebody had snuck behind me, unzipped my small backpack, and then taken out my wallet. Thankfully, my old phone back then was so small and right at the bottom of the bag inside. It was safe.

Of course, I never got the wallet back. I was so crushed that day, because it was the most beautiful wallet (with cat pictures on it) that my sister had given me for my birthday. Plus, I lost the photos of my friends and I.

What had annoyed me the most? The police officer at the precinct close to home had asked for IDR 10K (as part of the admin fee) for him to type my missing wallet report. I remember gaping at him before replying: “Sir, I lost my wallet. I have no money, okay?”

Unfortunately, he wouldn’t budge. I ended up handing him the note from Ma...sulkily of course. That was some protection and servive, eh?

 2.    The bus, a few years after.

I forgot what year, but it happened while I was on the bus – on my way to work. Feeling tired from lack of sleep, I’d fallen asleep.

I’m sure you can tell what happened after that. I woke up to find my bag unzipped...and my wallet gone. Thankfully, not my phone. I’d stored it somewhere in the inner pocket of the bag.

Still, that was bloody annoying.

The good thing was, the police officer was kinder and more sympathetic than the first one when the same thing had happened to me.

Since then, I’ve hated public buses. Trans-Jakarta is relatively okay, as long as the other passengers are not literally pushy like a stampede!

 Those two events had occured when I was still living in my family. This one was different.

I had to admit, I’d freaked out quite much that night. After calming myself down, I retraced my steps and asked anyone at the last bus shelter I’d been in. No such luck. I returned home empty-handed and with absolute fury.

First things first, I requested all my ATM cards in the wallet to be blocked – via online. Then I emailed my boss to let me skip work to do all the missing/lost/stolen reports.

After that, I alerted anybody I thought I needed to be alerted. My family, my friends, and even my freelance clients and my current editor. (I’m working on a book.)

Of course, I tried to do some work that night, but only managed to finish a little. I’d been too upset, so I finally fell into a very, restless sleep.

-***-

The next morning, I tried locating my phone via Google. No such luck. Whoever did it must have turned it off or exchanged my SIM card. To secure all my data, I digitally deleted my phone.

Then I went to the nearest police station, which was far from pleasant. (Is it ever?)

For the record, this is no Hollywood action movie where the cops are always willing to help by jumping straight into action. Just like before, I could only file a report and then...that’s it. Nothing else. Don’t expect too much.

Maybe I shouldn’t act all privileged. We’re talking about government officials, law enforcement who are overworked, exhausted, underpaid, and probably have seen too much of ugliness in the world already. No wonder they’ve become skeptical...almost rather cynical.

No wonder one of the officers on the second floor, who had read my first report made by the first officer on the first floor, sneered at me:

“This is just a general missing case.”

GENERAL. Thank you so much. How belittling.

Not wanting to stick around their negativity, I left the police station and went straight to the bank instead. All day long, it was totally an emergency treatment for the loss.

Don’t ask me about work that day. I’d tried to catch up with as much as I could, even when I didn’t go to work at all. (Thank you, digital life!) Even with my freelance stuff, I’d lagged behind.

What I’ve learned from being pickpocketed? Just don’t get pickpocketed. You have no choice but to be careful and more aware with surroundings. This is important, especially if you’re on your own in big cities. You never know.

Don’t expect too much from the local law enforcement. This is not a movie where the good guys always win. Sometimes you have to accept that you don’t get what you want.

That’s just it.

If you ask me, I can forgive the officer’s cold response – as long as the cops pay more attention to cases like rapes, human-trafficking, and murder. I still know how to earn more money.

 R.

#writer@work

[bellarke-angel]

I Miss You.

I’ve been posting a lot of fics recently but I can’t help it, I feel so inspired right now lol. Anyway you guys were really sweet about the previous couple of fics so I thought why not write another and you wanted this one so here you go, I hope you like it! Enjoy! (My keep reading button is playing up atm so sorry if this is really long on your dash)

Her voice was the one thing in the damn ship that kept him sane, kept him on his game and keeping him from losing it whilst they floated in the ring. Day by day they’d adapted to living back in the ship, Echo was still wary of being there, still thinking space was some sort of sorcery but Emori was settling in like she belonged in space. Raven had been helping Bellamy as much as she could, she’d tried to help take the world off of his shoulders, to let him grieve for Clarke even though she may not be lost to them, her missing presence had taken a toll on him. Monty had been stuck in the generation room working on improving their living conditions, fixing the oxygen so it wasn’t filled with the dust that had been clogged in the ventilation system. Harper had been busy helping Murphy with the Algae farm, it was their only source of food and they had to make sure it survived even if it tasted like pee as Murphy claimed every time he had a piece.

Clarke would always radio at the exact same time during each day, he didn’t know how she could possibly know the time but he made sure he was alone when she radioed, closing his eyes as he heard her speak, relief hitting him every time thanking he was alive. That she never died. He missed her so much, her bright shining blue eyes, the blonde locks of her hair, the scent of the earth when he hugged her and just being able to hear her voice let him imagine her talking to him in person. It killed him not being able to tell her he was ok, that everyone was ok. That everyone was grateful to her, that they were happy she was alive. Nevertheless, Bellamy responded to her words, whether it was a simple smirk as she made a joke for his benefit or whether it was an actual response. He prayed she’d never give up on radioing him, never think he was dead because she was the light in his dim lit life and if her light flickered out, he was sure his own would.

“Madi and I went to the sea today,” Clarke’s gentle voice echoed through the radio, Bellamy knew all about the little night-blood that had stumbled upon Clarke, from the sounds of it the child was a mini Clarke. “And you’d never guess what I found...funny I was going to wait for a response, I don’t know why I still do that,” Clarke’s words broke his heart, he couldn’t imagine how abandoned she must feel. Clarke cleared her throat. “Anyway we found fish, only small but they’re returning Bellamy, the animals are somehow showing up again. Madi and I will be eating well tonight, finally something other than berries and nuts.”

Bellamy grinned, glad she was eating well once more, he knew the importance of the animals returning, it was their main source of food and the radiation had killed half of the animals population, then scaring the others off into hiding. Bellamy concentrated again as he heard Clarke sighed. 

“Two more years to go, Bellamy, but god, I miss you so much already. Even your stupid jokes. I’d give anything to hear one now.”Clarke mumbled, he could imagine the sad on her face and his own came across his face.

“I miss you too, Princess.” He whispered to himself, hoping that Clarke could somehow telepathically receive his words, but he knew she’d never hear him. Raven knew about Bellamy and Clarke’s one way conversations, she’d done all that she could to get the communication system working, to help him be able to actually respond to Clarke. She’d done her best to pull out some of the communication wires from the rocket to connect to the ones in the ring but just as the computer in Alie’s lab had confirmed three years ago. The communication system was irreparable, it was fried.

“I’m counting down the days Bellamy, everyday until we meet again; and we will.” Clarke muttered, trying to assure herself. Bellamy wondered if Clarke realised she’d only ever referred to Bellamy, it was never to the others, not that she didn’t speak of the them, she just didn’t speak directly to them. It was always Bellamy. 

“730 days until I see you.” Bellamy whispered, like Clarke, he’d been counting down the days, he’d taken the day off every year from his duties to celebrate Clarke’s birthday, something he’d done his best to celebrate with her on Earth but Clarke was presistant, she hated her birthday but Bellamy had always at least made her smile more than he usually would considering it was her birthday. Plus the ability to make Clarke Griffin smile, he’d never skip the opportunity. Clarke always spoke of how he’d always joke on her birthday, how much she missed it. She told him she missed him everyday, it was something she never forgot to say. And he never forgot to say it back.

Bellamy’s heart fell when Clarke told him Madi was waking up, that she had to leave. He wanted to tell her to wait, to talk a little longer, to keep him company to make him smile once more. But of course, he couldn’t. And he wouldn’t be able to for another two years. The line cut and all Bellamy could hear was the sound of the static signal and he took a moment before placing the radio in his hand down on it’s holder. He sucked in a breath and pushed himself to his feet. That was the worst part of his day, going back to his cycle, working until it was time to sleep acting as though Clarke hadn’t just been talking to him. He wanted to smile, he wanted tell the others about Clarke’s day when the asked but it just felt like someone was taking his ability to talk about her, his eyes watering at the mention of her. But the thought of her was what kept him strong. Because he used his mind instead of his heart now. He did what she wanted. And in order to use his head he left his heart down on the ground with her and he felt it swell every time she radioed and that way he knew his heart was still beating. That fact was what kept him moving everyday, fighting to survive until the day the return to the ground. Until the day where she was back in his arms.

#bellarke #bellarke fanfiction #enjoy #otp: together #the 100 #bellamy x clarke #he is the heart #she is the brain #clarke x bellamy #clarke griffin #bellamy blake

[wingslovesfiction]

tagged by: @monkeysatemylastrolo (here is her post) who is writing the lovely Supernatural/Avengers crossover fanfic Trading places on AO3 under the username Vegetableswillhavetheirrevenge. I think I found your AO3 profile and therefore your fic through your tumblr, then promplty forgot about it cause you have a very different username :D rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people tagging: This is so difficult... @tigerlilynoh @semirahrose @denugis @l-e-i-n-t-h @posingasme I’d tag @eruthiawenluin but she’s already answered here, @rirren @fioreitaliano @mixgoldenphoenix @forlorn-kumquat @waterbird13 but only if they want to. Any anyone else who wants to. :)

Sorry, but I’m incapable of giving short answers, apparently.

the last 1. drink: water. pretty much always. 2. phone call: my father, day before yesterday, about some potential tenants. 3. text message: ...also to my father, apparently. It was over a week ago, letting him and my mom know know when I was getting back. 4. song you listened to: not sure... it was in a fanvid, probably? I’ve rewatched sone SPN fanvids recently. Oh, no, it was that Anaconda/Phantom of the Opera mashup on here, wasn’t it? Yikes. 5. time you cried: I cry pretty rarely, and that’s usually because of a piece of fiction... it was either Atonement (movie with James McAvoy), or else a movie I don’t even know the title of, it just involved a grandmother almost dying, and I happened to be in the room at that part, and a relative of ours died recently - and I did not cry then, this stupid movie just triggered it somehow. 6. dated someone twice: how do you even count dates if you’re aroace but you slowly drift into a relatioship with your best (only) friend on a “I want to try this” basis? But I suppose the answer is: now, since I have a boyfriend at the moment. 7. kissed someone and regretted it: 2012 iirc, first time I tried kissing and hated it. But it was also good to know I don’t like it, so it’s not a big regret. Recenty it turned out I can like kissing, though. 8. been cheated on: never. 9. lost someone special: Mum’s cousin died a couple of months ago. 10. been depressed: it’s not to diagnosable levels, but I’m depressed and anxious a lot when I’m stressed, so this January-April had some difficult parts when I was writing my thesis. But 2013 autumn (I think?) was the only time I went to a therapist for it, cause wanting to die instead of dealing with stuff is not a nice thought to have that often. 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never. I drink so rarely and so little when I do that I don’t think it will ever happen.

3 favorite colors 12. green 13. blue 14. yellow if mixed with the first two. Otherwise silver?

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes (but not close friends) 16. fallen out of love: so far I seem to be 100% aromantic... 17. laughed until you cried: Laughed a lot, yes, but I don’t remember if I ever cried from laughing. 18. found out someone was talking about you: what does this even mean? in secret? no. 19. met someone who changed you: do people who teach you stuff count? 20. found out who your friends are: ...no? 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: what facebook list? I only kissed one person, and we are friends on fb, yes...

general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them. I only have people on there who are to do with my real life, not my internet life. “knowing” them might be an exaggeration, though. 23. do you have any pets: my family has one cat atm. 24. do you want to change your name: Nope. 25. what did you do for your last birthday: parents, siblings & their SOs, cake. 26. what time did you wake up: Midday... 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sat in my parents’s car, coming back from a day trip to the Cserhát mountains. 28. name something you can’t wait for: I’m good right now... I’d rather this summer dragged on forever, since I just got my degree and start work in September (as much as I love my future job). There’s movies I’m looking forward to, but I can wait. 29. when was the last time you saw your mum: a second ago. 31. what are you listening to right now: birdsong; my parents talking at times. 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: I don’t think so. Maybe. Does the Hungarian equivalent of the name count? 33. something that is getting on your nerves: politics and news. More personally (tmi?): the roots of my body hair getting inflamed all the time. 34. most visited website: gmail, technically, from where I go to FFNet or AO3 for fanfic updates. Recently, tumblr is creeping back up. 35. hair colour: brown. 36. long or short hair: short (pixie!). I got it cut almost exactly 2 years ago, I wore it long before then. 37. do you have a crush on someone: No, still aro. 38. what do you like about yourself: I have a high IQ. It has its drawbacks (mainly my conscience screaming “why are you not doing MORE if you have the ability”), but I don’t know what I’d do without it. 39. piercings: no. 40. blood type: I don’t know. 41. nickname: Wings on the internet, rather not say in person. My given name is from the Bible so it’s pretty common in a lot of countries, but the nickname for it that I use only exists in my country (Hungary). 42. relationship status: like I said: ‘dating’ my best friend who knows I’m aro and (mostly?) ace, on the basis “let’s give it a try since we enjoy each other’s company”. It’s going well, so far, but he’s been in Germany for the past few months on a scholarship. 43. zodiac: Taurus (ascendant: Libra) 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: I have a lot of stuff I love a lot, it changes over time which one I’m focused on. I don’t have the objectivity to choose from them. Supernatural and Stargate: SG-1 deserve mentioning because I haven’t only read a ton of fanfic for them, I have also written a bit. 46. tattoos: nope. 47. right or left handed: right. 48. surgery: None. My broken arm only needed a cast. 49. piercing: I’d like to leave monkeysatemylastrolo’s answer here: “Why is ‘piercing’ any different from the ‘piercings’ of question 39? Is there some special magical power people gain depending on the number of piercings they have?” 50. sport: Tai chi (Taijiquan). It’s great. It’s martial arts and meditation but it’s slow moving and graceful and I could start it when I was out of breath just going up the stairs. Never looked back. I would like swimming, if *something* wouldn’t always get in the way. 51. vacation: I’m spending my summer with my parents in my childhood home. It counts as vacation because there’s clean air and lakes and I won’t be living here from September, when I start working in Budapest. 52. pair of trainers: yes? What about them? I have two pairs of cheap flat-soled ones for tai chi, and a pair of not-really-trainers for street wear (white, black, and light green, respecitvely). 53. eating: I just had some ice cream cake left over from my dad’s birthday. 54. drinking: water. again. 55. i’m about to: dunno. Read fanfic, probably, or answer some emails if there are any potential tenants. 56. waiting for: my graduation ceremony in two weeks? 57. want: realistically? To enjoy and earn enough money with the job I’m starting in September. Unrealistically? Superpowers, preferably ones involving flight, preferably wings + the assorted powers I made up. 58. get married: Probably not. I might enter a long-term relationship in order to raise children, if I come to want any, and then it might be worth it for legal&economic reasons, but... 59. career: Translator (Hungarian, English, some German). Just starting out. 60. hugs or kisses: Hugs. Not from everyone, though. 61. lips or eyes: is this a “what do I notice on people as attractive” question? In person: nothing. I do notice the eyes of some actors I’m a fan of, and the lips of one cause they’re always improbably red. 62. shorter or taller: I’m of average height for a woman, I think. 63. older or younger: Than whom? I’m 27. 64. nice arms or nice stomach: again: is this a “what do I notice on people as attractive” question? Again, nothing. 65. hook up or relationship: Mostly neither, but I have to say relatinship since I have something like that at the moment, and I never had a hook up. 66. troublemaker or hesitant: I’m mostly hesitant, except about stuff like climbing a tree on a hike or stuff like that.

have you ever 67. kissed a stranger: No. I’m definitely not attracted to strangers. 68. drank hard liquor: yes, to try the tase, or to settle my stomach, but always just a minimal amount. 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: Nope. Never had contacts. I did sit on my glasses on a holiday once, and they warped pretty badly, so I was without them for a little over a week... 70. turned someone down: Yes. All three people that ever asked me out, all of them after one or two dates (I felt like I had to try), all before I heard or thought about aromanticism and asexuality. The second involved a lot of tears, but then I was friends with him for a long time after that. 71. sex on the first date: Nope. 72. broken someone’s heart: I don’t think so. It might be on the horizon, though, if the boy I’m dating comes to love me and comes to hate the fact that I don’t feel that strongly... 73. had your heart broken: Romantically: nope, still 100% aromantic. It breaks my heart what we’re doing to the planet (and ourselves), though. Seriously, I have cried about that more than once. 74. been arrested: No, not even close. 75. cried when someone died: I think I only cried at the funeral, not when I got the news. 76. fallen for a friend: Never been in love!

do you believe in 77. yourself: Repeat after me: “I believe in myself.” 78. miracles: I believe in some stuff that sceptics would say is unscientific nonsense, partly cause I’ve experienced some of it, partly cause I’m hoping it’s true, but I wouldn’t classify them as miracles. 79. love at first sight: for some people, I guess it’s possible, I mean, there are enough stories about it. 80. santa claus: we don’t even have him in Hungary in the same form as americans&co do :) A dude based on Saint Nicholas comes on his day, the 6th of December and brings chocolate, tangerines and peanuts, but I know it’s my parents :) Christmas gifts are brought by the baby Jesus’s angels (again, also known as my parents). 81. kiss on the first date: Is that something to believe in? If you want it, do it, it doesn’t have anything to do with me. 82. angels: Ehh... no? Souls or similar, yes, some kind of afterlife, yes, because I don't think the human mind is just flesh, but anything as specific as angels? I have no way of knowing, and I don’t want to dismiss other religions by saying I believe in something that’s specific to only a few of them, so...

other 83. current best friend’s name: I only have the one close friend, who I’m “dating”, and I’m not telling you his name. (I’m bad at relationships. Not just romantic ones, but friendly ones as well. I have people I’m friendly with, but maintaining a relationship outside fixed programs like school, work, tai chi training, choir practice, etc. - how does one even do that?! I’m too lazy and too selfishly satisfied with my own company to spend my energy on that, apparently.) 84. eye color: green, but brownish (is that hazel?) 85. favorite movie: see question 45 about favorite TV show, except I never actually managed to write fanfic for any of them. How do I choose?!?! Star Wars, I guess? Return of the Jedi, if I have to choose one from them. The Matrix, if you want something a bit less fandom-y.

#I'm not proofreading this #sorry if I accidentally left in an answer by monkeysatmylastrolo #or for spelling mistakes #I have my spellcheck off because you can't set two languages at the same time #so it would always underline either everything in hun or everything in eng and that got annoying #personal #tumblr stuff #tumblr games #reblog if... #my post #post by me #I need to revise my tagging system #this took absurdly long #but it's way less stressful than answering people lookinf for a flat #which is what I'm supposed to be doing

[entj-werewolf]

I actually got tagged, so I’ll give this a shot! Since it’s big, I’ll put it under the cut...

Tagged by: @unlimited-goldfish​

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

(As usual with the tagging part of rules, I also just let anyone do this if they want. Idk who to tag most of the time...)

LAST:

1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: Can’t remember... I think my mom was the last to call me today? 3. Text message: Mainly to my little sister. I’d been texting her about some Splatoon stuff! 4. Song you listened to: Some Splatoon 2 music... 5. Time you cried: I don’t remember, but even if I did.... I’d keep that to myself, ahaa. Lots has been going on though.

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: Nope, never dated before either 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I don’t like kisses, soooo I haven’t kissed anyone at all. I’d probably regret it if I did, tbh. 8. Been cheated on: Nah 9. Lost someone special: A few people, yep... 10. Been depressed: Boy, it was pretty bad when I was a kid I think. Came across some old journals of mine while cleaning through stuff recently, and yeesh, the bullying got to me worse than I remembered from that time. As of recent? I’m... Not too sure. I have drastic confidence drops under huge stress, but idk if they’re depressive states or not? Also, dealing with life loss is rough. I had a horrid time last year after losing my last grandparent. It’s still sometimes unpleasant to think about, so I try keeping my mind off of that... 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: No way. I hate alcohol anyhow... And I dislike dealing with drunk people.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: Green, Dark Purple, Dark Blue!

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: It’s not common that I outright make new friends. It’s mostly acquaintances and mutuals! Sooo, nah, haven’t technically made any new friends in the past year.

16. Fallen out of love: Haven’t had any feelings for anyone like that, so nope

17. Laughed until you cried: YEP. Great times...

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Ahh, yep... I’m talked about a lot by family, mostly in negative light. This is every year. RIP. 20. Found out who your friends are: Known that already before the past year! 21.  Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Heck nope

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Only irl people or trustworthy online friends of mine can have my Facebook, buuut... I hate that site. So I actually rarely go on it. (I only signed up ‘cause my family made me when I was a teen, pfffff) 23. Do you have any pets: YES! My black cat, Luna! 24. Do you want to change your name: I thought about this once or twice in my life, buuut I’m fine with Sarah for now. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I went out to a new place to try out its vegan donuts, and they had some fresh coconut too. So, as a bonus, I got to have coconut water fresh from the thing itself! With amazing donuts. It was a good start to my birthday - but the rest of my day was being stuck in Ikea for 3-freaking-HOURS with my mom and older sister. I forgot how bad my legs could hurt before that.... 26. What time do you wake up: Technically 11:30-something-am, but I couldn’t get out of bed until like.... 12pm. My sleep is screwed up again, yeah... 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Drawing, I think? 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Nintendo Switch Restocks... just PLEASE, EVERYTHING HOLY, GET THEM FREAKING RESTOCKED SO I CAN GET ONE. Besides that, I can’t wait to move on from my job to a better one. My job situation is driving me insane. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom? Just tonight when saying g’night to her, pffff 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Hmmm.... Better luck in general would be nice. 2017 is like the freaking biggest pique of my bad luck from what’s happened so far. 31. What are you listening to right now: Still listening to Splatoon 2 music! 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I... Do not recall meeting or talking to a Tom in my life. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Lots of things... Mainly my job and money circumstance stuff.

34. Most visited website: I’m not 100% sure, but it miiiight be Youtube 35. Mole/s: I think so, but only the flat, not-dangerous types. I had one mole removed a couple of weeks ago though and..... That... was NOT pleasant. Turns out I do NOT have skin cancer, so that’s good?

36. Mark/s: Not that I’m sure of or remember atm, but I used to get scars pretty easily 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a veteranarian and actually would do a lot of side studies on my own about animals. This dream changed, of course, once I got older and learned more about what felt to be my “purpose” and I aim for that now. But I still like learning about animals and have scrambled knowledge on nature because of that! 38. Hair color: Dark brown 39. Long or short hair: Fairly long hair 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Nope! I have no idea what a crush feels like either..... 41. What do you like about yourself: Uhh... Hmm.... For several years, I’ve been liking my ambitious “energy” of sorts? Makes me feel like I’m living a full life as long as I’ve got that, hahaa... 42. Piercings: Nope, needles and anything that pierces my skin freaks me out to nauseous levels... 43. Blood type: If I recall correctly, it’s O negative; and apparently I can donate to most/all other blood types? (Too bad I don’t physically or mentally handle getting my blood drawn, otherwise I’d be fine with occasional donations to make use of that) 44. Nicknames? Wolf, Kat, or WolfKat - when people try referring to me based on my common online alias; “Fluffy” by some other people; and then freaking “furry” being a more rampant nickname by my friends recently..... -heavy sigh- 45. Relationship status: Single

46. Zodiac: Haven’t been much into this, but I only recall I’m Pisces ‘cause of my birthday. (Those Pisces descriptions are like the dang opposite of my MBTI type.....) 47. Pronouns: Just female stuff. I’ve been mistaken for a guy a lot online somehow, though.... I find it oddly amusing, pffffft. 48. Favorite TV Show: “Gravity Falls” and “[The] Slayers” are my top favorites, and I enjoy several other animated shows alongside these two!  50. Right or left hand: Left-handed pretty much, but I’ve taught myself to use my right hand decently for stuff like holding forks/spoons for eating. And I actually don’t like using left-handed computer mice... Regardless, I draw and write best with my left hand.

51. Surgery: Wisdom teeth surgery - which I had when I was 18 I think? That was a very weird experience for me. I’m glad I only talked to my close friends during the first part of my recovery... I would’ve died of regret if I tried posting anything online while I was drugged with pain killers and who knows what else. Eugh. 52. Hair dyed in different color: Nah, I like my natural hair color as is 53. Sport: Basketball! I’ve always liked this sport... I haven’t played in a long time though. 55. Vacation: My vacations in terms of travel and being fun for me, tend to be for conventions... Like Dragoncon and Momocon. Whenever they can be affordable, at least. 56. Pair of trainers: Idk what this refers to, sooo I looked it up. Synonymous with sneakers and tennis shoes, it seems? In that case, I have a few pairs of these ‘cause I LOVE sneakers/athletic shoes!

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Not eating anything atm. I’m staying up late to wait for my acid reflux to chill the heck out, actually... (I can’t lay down when it gets like this. Ugh.) 58. Drinking: Some sips of water here and there. 59. I’m about to: Try and sleep, maybe. 62. Want: A lot. But for this very moment, I want to be able to lay down without feeling like I’ll throw up!

63. Get married: Nope. Probably never? Idk how to fit marriage into my future, and having to be in such a relationship like that is very.... Overwhelming and intimidating for me atm. 64. Career: I want my dream career right now but I don’t know when my skills will be professional enough for it so it’s just waiting and trying to find other jobs until then.... Game Development is my future, though.

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs only. No kisses! 66. Lips or eyes: Huh? I dunno. I don’t like eye contact, aaannndd I have no idea what’s significant about lips. Just... Lips are lips? 67. Shorter or taller: No strong preference, but shorter people I tend to like being around the most (’cause lots of tall people treat me in an annoying way TBH. Like petting my head or trying to lean over me? Excuse you.) 68. Older or younger: Uhhh... ? In general, I don’t mind what age people are when I meet them... With friends, I tend to end up with lots of younger ones in my close circle. Very few are older than me. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I do not like either... Or caring about looks at all. Sooo, none/neither. 71. Sensitive or loud: I don’t like loudness in general (got sensitive hearing as well), so sensitive would be more preferrable. I mostly have sensitive friends too anyhow. 72. Hook up or relationship: Preferrably neither, but if I ever ended up in that kind of relationship, it would need to be under mutual merits and built from a deep friendship. No casual hook ups. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I tend to prefer hesitant people over troublemakers.... But some of my more mischievous friends can keep life interesting at times, hahaa

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: Heck no 75. Drank hard liquor: Again, hate alcohol 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I think I’ve lost my glasses once or twice? Those moments are true suffering 77. Turned someone down: Many times. Idk why people keep getting crushes on me... Like... Have mercy for once.... 78. Sex on the first date: Nopenopenope, and I NEVER want that at any point in my life either. 79. Broken someone’s heart: A few times on accident toward friends... Sometimes feel guilty about those moments again even if all is forgiven now. 80. Had your heart broken: I think so, but it’s not often in terms of friendship-based stuff. 81. Been arrested: Thankfully, nope! I intend to keep it that way. 82. Cried when someone died: Definitely. 83. Fallen for a friend: I’m not too sure what this means? Ummm... I mean, I assume it’s like making a huge/important sacrifice for a friend, but idk. I don’t recall anything like that atm other than the times I’d stand up for friends, against their bullies in high school.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84: Yourself: Normally, yeah. When overwhelmed with stress though? Nope. 85. Miracles: Yup. I’ve experienced quite a few either as an observer/witness, or a few times personally. 86. Love at first sight: Nah. Sometimes, there’s an instant “click” with people even for potential friendships, but that’s not always reliable for something long-term. 87. Santa Claus: Not now, but as a kid, I of course believed in Santa. A ton. 88. Kiss on the first date: Noooooope

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: Pao/Paola! We’ve been close pals for about 8 years now 91. Eye color: Greyish Green? Sometimes looks more blue-tinted in other light sources? 92. Favorite movie: A tough pick... Hmm... Maybe Zootopia or Inside Out? I also really love Lilo and Stitch!

Alright, so yeah... No specific tags, but if anyone wants to do this, feel free to count it as my tag toward you!

I also noticed some numbers were missing from this list of questions, so who knows where those are? It’s almost 92. Have fun anyhow, maybe!

#not mbti #technically #about me #tag stuff #unlimited-goldfish

[wellimhavinga3outof10day]

All right, so @thislifeisawasteland tagged me to answer a bunch of questions that are actually an ask meme, but w/e. (There are kind of Riverdale spoilers in this post? I’m bitter, sue me.) Here we go:

Full name: I’m not really gonna tell you that, so settle for Jessica

Zodiac sign: Taurus

3 Fears: Death, spiders... that I’ll never fall in love?

3 things I love: Chocolate, green tea, & my laptop

4 turns ons: Humour, kindness, bad pick-up lines, goofy smiles

4 turns offs: Racism, homophobia, an annoying voice, a terrible smell in general?

My best friend: Like all of them

Sexual orientation: Bi

My best first date: I’ve only had one first date, so walking around the mall

How tall am I: 5'8"

What do I miss: My friends, knowing Jughead was safe and happy smh

What time was I born: 9:04 a.m.

Favourite colour: Red

Do I have a crush: Not unless we’re counting fictional characters

Favourite quote: *gross sobbing* “It’s like my home.” Nah, I’m kidding, I don’t really have a fave quote

Favourite place: My library

Favourite food: Chocolate

Do I use sarcasm: No, never...

What am I listening to right now: "Leave” by Jojo (lmao, idk why)

First thing I notice in new person: Their hair, tbh

Shoe size: 6 1/2 (yes, I have tiny fucking feet)

Eye colour: Blue

Hair colour: Brown/blonde

Favourite style of clothing: Casual, comfy

Ever done a prank call? Yes and omg worst experience of my life, almost had a panic attack, never again

What colour of underwear I’m wearing now? Pink

Meaning behind my URL: It’s a line from White Collar

Favourite movie: He’s Just Not That Into You (it’s on Netflix now, I’m so excited!!), also Pretty in Pink

Favourite song: Atm, “Prom Queen” by Molly Kate Kestner

Favourite band: ??? idk man

How I feel right now: Pretty good

Someone I love: Jughead Jones (honestly, fight me)

My current relationship status: Single af

My relationship with my parents: It’s good

Favourite holiday: Christmas

Tattoos and piercings? My ears are pierced and I have no tattoos

Tattoos and piercing i want: I kinda want a sternum piercing, and a rose vine tattoo up my side

The reason I joined Tumblr: I was filling out my social media quota before I went to uni

Do I and my last ex hate each other? Well, I didn’t think so but then she made me answer all these questions, so? It’s up in the air ;)

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts? Nah, never (unless you count my mom checking to see if I’m awake when I’m home alone)

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Nope

When did I last hold hands? ...? Fairly recently probably, I hold my mom’s hand all the time.

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes, maybe?

Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? Nope

Where am I right now? At my desk

If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? N/A, never been that drunk

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable (pretty quiet actually if you ask other people)

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Yup

Am I excited for anything? Jughead to be loved and cared for and warm and safe, for the love of god.

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? All right, well “can” and “would” are different words, so technically yes, but I wouldn’t?

How often do I wear a fake smile? Rarely

When was the last time I hugged someone? Last night?

What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? Eh, might bug me a little, but you go girl. (I mean, as long as it’s not an old man.)

Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? I don’t think so?

What is something I disliked about today? Today just started, buddy. Umm... for some reason my hands are really sweaty? I hate that?

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Atm, the cast of Riverdale, but that’ll change in like a month if not a day.

What do I think about most? Probably w/e I’m writing atm.

What’s my strangest talent? ...? I don’t have very minute talents, idk what to tell you. I’m very talented at drinking too much green tea and procrastinating things I actually want to do.

Do I have any strange phobias? Mustard

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind, probs.

What was the last lie I told? ...? I lie a lot, idk. I probs lied on here. Kidding, don’t think I have. Umm... I honeslty have no idea. It’s anyone’s guess.

Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Both are horrible and probably the worst forms of communication, but I’m gonna go with the phone b/c I have an unnecessary grudge against Skype.

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Maybe? and yes.

Do I believe in magic? Little magic, sure.

Do I believe in luck? To an extent.

What’s the weather like right now? Sunny, average temp

What was the last book I’ve read? I’m in the middle of Crooked Kingdom right now, but the last book I finished was I’ll Give You The Sun

Do I like the smell of gasoline? Yes

Do I have any nicknames? Yes: Jess, Jessie

What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I broke my wrist by getting knocked down a hill and landing on concrete.

Do I spend money or save it? Save it.

Can I touch my nose with a tongue? Nope

Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? Yeah, more things than I expected too, tbh.

Favourite animal? Pigs

What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Talking to Rachael on Tumblr/watching Misfits

What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Claus (yes, I know it said Satan not Santa, but it’s a conspiracy)

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? I Don’t Wanna Be Sad by Simple Plan

How can you win my heart? Be nice and funny and care about me (honestly giving a shit about me is really all I need, my standards are fucking low as shit)

What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Idk but something kind of weird and maybe a quote I like?

What is my favourite word: Feral

My top 5 blogs on tumblr: Ugh, I don’t want to do this.

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? “I love you, take care of yourselves.”

Do I have any relatives in jail? I don’t think so...

I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Flight

What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Umm... lots of things, I’m sure.

What is my current desktop picture? It’s a city that Natasha made for a class and it’s super pretty and green.

Had sex? Nope

Bought condoms? Yes, actually

Gotten pregnant? Nope

Failed a class? Nope

Kissed a boy? Nope

Kissed a girl? Yup

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Nope

Had a job? Yes

Left the house without my wallet? All the time

Bullied someone on the internet? I don’t think so, I hope not

Had sex in public? Nope

Played on a sports team? Yes

Smoked weed? No

Did drugs? No

Smoked cigarettes? No

Drank alcohol? Yes

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No

Been overweight? No

Been underweight? No

Been to a wedding? Yes

Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes

Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes

Been outside my home country? Yes

Gotten my heart broken? Eh, probably not

Been to a professional sports game? Yes

Broken a bone? Yes

Cut myself? No

Been to prom? Graduation in Canada, but yes

Been in airplane? Yes

Fly by helicopter? No

What concerts have I been to? So I went to like three in a row a few years ago: One Direction, Marianas Trench and... shit, I thought there were three... it might have been two... oh! Shawn Mendes! (And I’m listening to him right now and I forgot that, lmao)

Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Yes

Learned another language? Kinda

Wore make up? Nope

Lost my virginity before I was 18? Nope

Had oral sex? Nope

Dyed my hair? Yes

Voted in a presidential election? Federal election yes, I’m Canadian

Rode in an ambulance? Nope

Had a surgery? Nope

Met someone famous? Nope

Stalked someone on a social network? I don’t think so

Peed outside? Nope

Been fishing? I have.

Helped with charity? Nope

Been rejected by a crush? Yes

Broken a mirror? Nope

What do I want for my birthday? *laughs* Umm... not a clue. 

How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 4: Marcia, Whit, Eli, & Beth

Was I named after anyone? My middle name is my Oma’s middle name too, but my first name’s not from anywhere

Do I like my handwriting? I used to b/c it was literally flawless when I was younger, but now it’s like a mess, so no.

What was my favourite toy as a child? Should I even remember this? Barbies, probably.

Favourite Tv Show? Atm, Riverdale

Where do I want to live when older? Not a clue. Probably Toronto or Vancouver? Maybe somewhere in Europe. Who knows?

Play any musical instrument? I used to play guitar but I probably can’t remember any of it.

One of my scars, how did I get it? Idk if I have any scars, man. There’s like kind of a scar by my elbow? But how I got it is a mystery.

Favourite pizza toping? Green peppers

Am I afraid of the dark? Nope

Am I afraid of heights? Nope

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? No, I don’t think so. (I once was caught squirting water in a guy’s face? But he kind of deserved it.)

Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? I don’t think so...?

What I’m really bad at: Figuring out my life

What my greatest achievements are: I once predicted the end of a book, does that count? And my highest post here is almost at five thousand notes?

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: "I love you, but sometimes I just don’t like you.” (Honestly, I deserved it, but it was savage af.)

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: Buy a house, buy a lot of fandom merch, invest a bunch... 

What do I like about myself: I’m pretty laidback, I know what I want for the most part, and I try to be a good person.

My closest Tumblr friend: Not this again.

Something I fantasise about my ex: (lmao my first instinct was to put “dying” and that’s not true, my babe, I’m sorry) Honestly? Just having sex, like nothing fancy.

#welcome to my life #thislifeisawasteland

[mynameisnotcelia]

‘Another Shade of Melancholy’

This is all I have written of the story so far. It’s written in random memory fragments from the girl’s life (Suhar). This is a lot to post all at once, but I figure if someone out there really cares, it will all be worth it. 

Excerpt #1

The tiny blue Christmas lights twinkled in vain attempt to light the entirety of the bedroom. White painted walls seemed to reflect the light like soft neon signs, comfortingly melancholy. I continued to stare at them as if to congratulate their efforts.

“I guess I should sleep now.” I sighed and listened for the reply.

“But I don’t want to go.” It promptly came from the phone. A voice I understood.

“I know.”

 Excerpt #2

“You could leave the room if you wanted to. You just have to try.” The voice in my headset encouraged.

I declined the temptation to reply.

“Suhar? Are you listening?”

“Let’s build the tower here in this grassy area.” My avatar pointed on screen to an in-game plain full of tall grass and wildflowers. Innocent.

“Suhar. I won’t let this go.” My favorite voice just sighed, his avatar motionless, lifeless, refusing to give aid.

I sighed back. It was all I felt like giving.

“Can you at least tell me why?” The tiny blue Christmas lights on my ceiling shone in attempt to comfort me, adding to the screen’s light. My eyes felt numb.

“Here’s why, Galen. I don’t see the point. It’s pointless. I have everything I need. I have you. I don’t need to move, or change, or leave.” I spoke in a curt, detached manner. He probably wasn’t satisfied with that answer.

“Okay. I guess I can’t change your mind.” The headset crackled with the sound of his deep exhale.

“No, you can’t. But I won’t stop you from trying.”

We sat in silence for a moment there.

“Let’s get rid of all this grass first before we start building.” Galen’s avatar was breathed to life again and he moved, beginning the pointless task we’d set out to do.

“Okay.”

 Excerpt #3

I remember the first time I met him. My favorite voice. He was a paper boy in the culture that doesn’t read the paper.

It was just a simple walk to the end of the drive to get the mail. It took a lot of self-convincing to get there though. Flurries drifted down feather-like from the gray sky to cover everything. A maroon van with some news logo on it drove slowly by and he stuck his arm out to fling the newspaper wrapped in plastic into the driveway. November edition.

“Thank you!” I shouted at him to be heard over the wind. ‘Maybe paper boys don’t get enough “Thank you”s,’ I thought.

He didn’t miss a beat and even smiled at me. “’Welcome!”

The paper came next month. I waited, interested. It was the same man. I waved and thanked him. He smiled and waved back, as if also interested. But why would he be?

I started seeing him around if I looked hard enough. He was at the grocery store buying soup when my mother dragged me there (she doesn’t even live with me, so how does she still control me?). He was at the bank ATM when my older sister took me to input her deposit (she can’t love me, so why am I her last resort companion?). And of course, I saw him in the newspaper van. Various news kiosks around the city. He probably had multiple jobs.

He took my order at a coffee shop while I was on a date that I never asked to be on. The guy left the table with the excuse of an emergency call from work. I knew he must be disgusted by me.

“I’ve got a cup for… Su… Suhay? Su-hair?”

“Suhar. The ‘a’ rhymes with ‘car’. Thank you very much.” I was used to everyone saying my name wrong one way or another.

“Alright, here’s your small light brew, cream and sugar. Taking a break from finals, huh? Oh hey, wasn’t there a guy here just a minute ago? I’ve got a large cappuccino here for him.” He tried to make amiable conversation. His efforts were already better than most.

Didn’t even take his drink with him. I was cynically amazed and saddened at the same time.

“Oh, I guess he just left it. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. You can just throw it away or something.” What a waste of money.

The man’s face seemed to hold an expression of genuine concern. (How was that so?) “Wait, did you just get stood up? Did he just leave you here?” He looked back at the door as if to confront my absent date. “What the hell? Who does that?”

“It’s not a big deal. It’s happened before.” I tried for a polite smile but it probably didn’t turn out that well. Why did I bother going on these blind dates anymore? I was begging for pity, wasn’t I?

The man with the nice voice looked determined, as if he had made up his mind. “You know what? I haven’t taken my break yet today, how about I fill in for him? Would you mind chatting with another stranger for a while?” He gave me a smile. “My name is Galen, by the way.”

I was dumbfounded but amused. I had already been on a blind date with one stranger, what was one more? I had nowhere else to be. My lips curved into a small, cynical smile. “Sure. Why not?”

Galen’s grin got even wider. “Alright, let me just go clock out. I’ll be right back.”

I let myself laugh a little. He had set down the cappuccino across from me as if he was going to drink it instead.

 Excerpt #4

Light smoke from 18 bright, colorful candles and a few relative’s cigarettes fogged up the room, making everything blurry. The open windows helped alleviate this vision impairment.

I remember the cake was red velvet with black icing.

The smile on my face felt 80% forced and 20% genuine, to be specific. Scattered applause and whooping echoed around the room.

Then something strange. My mother leaned forward in her chair, and everyone turned to bask in her sophisticated aura that I did not inherit. All I can remember is the image of her face, set in its ways, in high detail compared to everyone else’s. The other people were like strangers in a dream; you can’t make out their features or anything about them, but the blobs of color they add to the reality-canvas are still perceivable. She looked me dead in the eye with her headstrong gray ones, and demanded,

“So when are you moving out?”

 Excerpt #5

“Your room is so boring. Not even colored walls. Why don’t you put up some posters or something?” My older sister oh-so-lovingly suggested as she waltzed into my room uninvited.

“I don’t have any poster-worthy interests, I guess.”

“You’re so weird. Anyway, Mom said it’s time for dinner. You should come up.” She shifted her weight onto one leg and gave me an odd look.

I turned to face her from my nest by the laptop. “Emims, you already know my answer.”

“Oh god, don’t ever call me by my full name, SUHAR. I hate it.” The emphasis on my own full name was probably meant to offend me. “Call me Emi like everyone does, got it?”

“Sure.” I never thought her name was that bad. It was formidable sounding though, I would give her that. “Kindly tell Mom that I’ll get something to eat later if I’m hungry, but thank her for inviting me.” It almost hurt to be so polite towards the woman.

“Yeah, figures. Well, have fun wasting away down here. See you whenever you come back to the land of the living.” Emims turned on her heel to leave.

“You’ll be the first to know.”

The door shut. I was alone again.

My gaze wandered to the ceiling. Maybe I could use some decoration.

+++++

“Hey. You know what I’m gonna ask you.” And here she was once again, disrupting my game in the middle of a very important pointless project. “What’s with the lights? It’s not even Christmas.”

I felt disappointed at her judgment, for some reason. “I thought you said I should decorate my room.”

“Not like this! These just look tacky on the ceiling. It’s not like they’ll help you see any better anyway.”

I decided it best not to respond.

“Well, I’m just gonna tell Mom you’re not coming up tonight. See ya.”

“Emi?” She stopped in the doorway, the light painting her as a dark silhouette. “Tell her to stop asking me. Please.”

Her expression was unreadable. “Sure.”

She lingered just a second longer than normal before shutting the door.

I was alone again.  

 Excerpt #6

There was a time when I was a young girl when I used to ask where daddy was.

“He’s at work today.” A glance to the side at some bills I couldn’t comprehend.

“You said that yesterday. He hasn’t come home yet.”

“He’s going to be at work for a while, okay Su?” Mother tried to smile at me but it just looked like a grimace.

Another day would pass, a few, a week, a month. Many more of those. Daddy was missing.

“Are you sure he isn’t coming back soon?”

“Yes, I am; will you stop asking for God’s sake? He’s not coming back and Mommy doesn’t want him to.” More bills and cigarettes.

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

Simultaneously, I saw two images in my little brain. One glazed in sunlight, of a man stretching his hand out to me with the neighborhood park behind him. “Come on Suhar, you can’t keep a man waiting.” His smile was so gentle.

The other of that man coming home smelling strange and calling everyone bad names. “What do you keep bothering me for, Rani? Just let me go!” He shouted to my mother.

There was a time when I was a young girl when I used to ask where my father was. I stopped asking when I was 10.

Excerpt #7

How many times did we meet in that coffee shop? I remember visiting Galen during his shift and talking with him during his breaks. It was the only time I left the house. It became so a part of my routine that I forgot to question why.

Why was I interested?

Why was he interested?

No one had been interested before.

We usually sat at the same table I had met him at, as if to deny that my saddening blind date had never happened there. He’d make me the light brew I liked for free since it was “no trouble at all”. I hated and loved that simultaneously.

What did we ever talk about? I can’t recall. It was just words, sounds, his presence. All of it fascinated me.  This human was endearing, somehow.

And somehow, I was endearing to him. He never once looked disgusted.

Galen always smiled when I walked in.

Why?

 Excerpt #8

My mother climbed the business ladder so desperately; it was painful to watch her struggle in those maroon heels. The ones that click-clacked everywhere.

Because even when she reached a marvelous height, she kept reaching still higher. It was never enough for her.

“I’m only doing what’s best for my two daughters,” I’m sure she reasoned. Father wasn’t coming back, and so it was up to her to make sure that all was right with the world. That bills didn’t look so menacing anymore.

“Just another cigarette to ease the stress. Then I’ll quit.” I’m sure she thought. Father wasn’t coming back, and so she had to relieve the pressure, the frustration, somehow. Even if the bedroom smelled more like smoke than it should.

“If I can just make more money, I won’t have to worry anymore.” I’m sure she decided. Father wasn’t coming back, so someone had to make sure that no one had to feel her anxiety. Even if it meant pushing everyone else to be just as “successful”.

Those maroon heels stabbed my ears with their finality. Every time I heard them, I had the urge to hide. It was no use. If she wanted to say something, it would be said. If she wanted something done, it would be done.

But if she wanted her youngest daughter to become more like herself, the daughter would certainly refuse. She was the last person I wanted to become.

 Excerpt #9

I imagined our relationship like dance:

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Somehow, my voice trembled.

Why would you?

“Wouldn’t want to waste a good slow song.”

Why does he feel the need to whisper?

“Okay.”

The first movements were slow. Awkward. Unsure. How to proceed, how to go on? I followed naively to Galen’s lead. He was strong, kind, confident. At least it seemed so.

He twirled me around once, twice, then held me for a moment.

Galen’s smile was sheepish and sad. “I’ve never done this before. I hope I’m not hurting you.”

“No no, it’s fine. You’re wonderful.”

That smile, that smile. “Good.”

It almost hurt me, being here. How could you love a girl who’s dead, how could you? It’s absurd. It’s pointless. I’ll only drown you in the end, with my everything. I will drag you down; your terrified, disappointed, shocked… betrayed… face… will be the last thing I see before I sink with you. With my apathetic emotions around your neck like a lethargic noose, you will sink, and I will let myself fall with you to keep you company in that internal death.

But as Galen held me in his strong arms, I thought that maybe he was able to tolerate it. Perhaps he could handle it. Perhaps, just perhaps, this was all worth it to him.

My cowardice to his confidence… his feigned confidence.

Excerpt #10

She must have felt the pressure. It must have been deafening her ears until she could only hear what the queen told her. The damsel coerced into finding her own way out of the tower and to another higher one, rumored to be filled with success and happiness.

Emims must have felt it. Or, “Emi”, as she commanded everyone to call her.

That was why I never wanted to be like her.

She was the firstborn, the one who had to do well. My mother made sure of that: she put her in dance, speech class, monitored grades to make sure she was in all AP and Honors classes, the occasional sports team as well for good measure. Emims did everything she could to be good enough, though I know it was never good enough for Rani, my mother, the queen with a cigarette in one hand and a word-whip in the other.

My older sister’s views were never able to be individually formed; they were shaped by those thin, smoke stained fingers. Mother taught her to be bossy, confident, to pave her own way, to be superficially smart and efficient. Everything was on the surface, “You’ve got to always have that poker face,” she would say. So, that’s what Emims did.

Even so, there was always one hole in her fashionable armor: her real name.

She hated it. She was ashamed of it. It bothered her to no end.

That’s why I never called her “Emi”. Perhaps someday she would see that she didn’t have to hide to be beautiful.

#lots of writing #my writing #melancholy #aesthetic writing #character development #personal project #hope you like it