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#major depressive disorder
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A lot of times I have all these complicated thoughts and emotions and memories that I don’t know what to do with.  I rarely discuss them with anyone and often just bury them somewhere in the depths of my soul.  So many times I just want someone to talk to, just to express this craziness and not feel so alone.  I just want to be heard, which is why I made this blog.  No one here knows who I am and I find it safe to release this nonsense that keeps me prisoner in my own mind.

Anyway, his is not a fictional story, as much as I wish it were.  This is a dream I had sometime last night or this morning.  The grammar is awful, it’s written in a disorganized fashion, and I may have jumped back and forth between past and present tense because that is how I remember it.  If I were writing a story or a poem, I would heavily edit it, but I wanted this post to accurately depict the raw emotion and distress that I was in.

The dream takes place in my childhood home when I was 14 years old. Names have been changed. Jessie is the name I’ve given to my sister, Andrew is the name I’ve given to my longtime childhood crush, and Shadow is the name I’ve given to my cat. 

-*-*-*-*-*-*- symbolizes a scene change in the dream.  The first half of the dream is a little fuzzy in my memory, but I can remember it vividly starting at the point when my mother comes from work.

Just to eliminate concerns or worries, I am doing perfectly alright and I have no intention or desire to cause myself or anyone else any harm whatsoever.  It’s been quite awhile since I’ve had intentions like that, which is perhaps why this dream was so jarring. 

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I would be perfectly happy never going back to work. I would continue to be much healthier. Every single task required and expected of me can be done at home, and done better at home. I’d like to pretend that things will actually change for workers for the better, but we all know that’s a pitiful joke.

Because for some reason, it’s “necessary” for someone’s ass to be sitting in a chair staring at a screen for 8+ hours every day in ridiculous, impractical clothes. Only brief glimpses of sunlight and fresh air. Never mind that it doesn’t take nearly that long to get the work done and people are far more efficient at home. Never mind people having quick and access to the resources they need at home.

Yeah, I get it. There are exceptions. I know too well how internet isn’t reliable or guaranteed in rural areas, and I realize some people have kids that distract them, etc.

But something’s got to give. It has to. I’ve watched my parents work their lives away and I absolutely will not go down that path. You get punished for doing the right things anyway.

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Hey! I don’t wanna be a downer, but does anyone have any advice on what they do when their depression gets extremely bad? Any fun things you do to help yourself?

Also cute pet pictures or anything that lifts your spirit that you’d like to share would be wonderful to see :)

If you are willing, prayers would also be great.

Update: I’m a little better. Been doing artsy things and bullet journaling the past month and it’s helping. Pet pictures are still appreciate tho ;D

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My current stash box in a container to house flower, tincture, vape carts, and cbd capsules next to smoking supplies.

Got on the scale today and saw 205. I know that it’s not a good indicator of health, but I’ve been feeling gross with what I’ve been eating. My birthday treat meal turned into a week. One strange effect of depression: my favorite food tasted like nothing. I would forget what foods I actually liked, or if order them based on memory and feel soulless when they tasted bland. Well…I can taste food again? And it’s delicious? And I cook more now?

Now that I’ve managed to get cooking down, I need to get a handle on the binge-eating from the sheer joy of recovering my taste buds…

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One of the most stressful things about having Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and being a creative is that even as you hear or see your creations in your minds eye you can’t focus enough to write them. You can find the main plot points, the bits of dialogue. But nothing else. And as you grow more and more anxious feeling yourself slipping deeper and deeper into the pit of depression you feel those ideas slip and hide behind a glass wall and you can’t do anything. How can I pull myself free from the pit if I can’t do the thing that makes me happiest? Creating.

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May 22, 2020

I feel like I’m already feeling better being back on my Synthroid. I also started back on Propanolol for my physical anxiety symptoms so that’s helping. I just picked up my Celexa, Seroquel, & Klonopin. I am going to work really hard to take my Klonopin as prescribed so I don’t run out so fast. 🙏 It’s hard with the addict in me but yet again, I’ll try. Also great news! I saw my parole officer & she told me that was our last appointment! I can pick up my paperwork June 7 freeing me from state supervision. Y'all I’m DONE!

🥰🥰🥰🤩🤩🤩

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It’s so crazy how every month I feel like “now I understand my disorders and how they have affected me so now I’m good”

and then literally the next month I’m thinking about my past and myself and I see another thing I missed. It’s just kinda like “oh. Well I guess we gotta add that to the list now”.

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About Me:

I’ve started this blog to have a space in which I can be frank and detailed about my health journey. Throughout the past ten years I have struggled with weight, extreme low energy, and various mental health issues. Recently I applied for a medical cannabis card after self-medicating with scarce availability of flower for a few years. I’m grateful to have connected with a good doctor who uncovered previously-undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder as well as potential thyroid problems that manifest in (what looks like and feels like but is not specifically diagnosed) chronic fatigue syndrome.

The best way to start any process is to define some goals and methods. So, what do I want out of this?

  1. I want to wake up with a normal amount of energy that allows me to do my job, keep my house clean, maintain my self-care, and partake in hobbies/social events.
  2. I want to achieve and maintain my well-being as measured by cardiovascular fitness, strength, flexibility, and stamina.
  3. I want a wealth of practices and skills I can use to lift me from depressive or traumatic episodes, from journaling to mindfulness exercises, routines, and more.
  4. I want a clear cannabis routine and access to medication to eventually end a dependence on prescription pharmaceuticals. This is not due to any innate issue with these drugs, but the adverse effects they have had on me. My baseline mental health is slightly improved, but my down periods are longer and more severe since starting them.

How will I achieve this?

I’m cooking more for my household, focusing on increasing vegetables, satiating fats, nuts and seeds, as well as foods with recommended amounts of selenium, iron,vitamins B-12 and D, as well as other minerals suggested for fatigue. We will limit any take out or fast food as well as reliance on simple carbs like pasta and potatoes for main meals.

One I feel it is manageable with my energy levels, I plan on incorporating some intermittent fasting protocols. This will be balanced with eating until satiated during my eating window and staying hydrated (with electrolytes) throughout the day.

I’ve also put together a slowly-progressing fitness plan with tai chi, gentle yoga, walking, and a handful of basic strength training that I will adjust every two weeks or so. This will focus on building strength, stamina, and flexibility without aggravating inflammation or spiking my anxiety.

Lastly I have put together a cannabis course with recommendations from my clinic. I will post more about that depending on the availability at my local dispensary. Generally I plan on using 1:1 tinctures and hybrid vapes throughout the day with a heavier indica vape or flower at night to help with sleep. I may also experiment with a sativa vape for energy, but I want to be careful to balance it with CBD if needed.

And that’s it. This upcoming week starts my cooking and fitness adventures. Week after next I may be able to go to the dispensary.

I’m staring at about 193lbs, able to do maybe 50 wall push-ups, struggling to get my 10k steps a day in quarantine. Today I was so exhausted I woke up three hours late and took a two hour nap, forcing myself to stand up through my drowsiness to cook and do chores. My concentration was so bad I had to walk around with noise-cancelling headphones, and I couldn’t stop myself grinding my teeth into a tension headache. After four cups of coffee of course.

Let’s blaze this trail.

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I don’t like people.

The truth is, I have friends and I hang out with family because I know what I would do if I allowed myself to be alone.

And that’s not fair to the people I’d be leaving behind.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t talk to anyone.

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