#make me feel uncomfortable and in debt in a bad way. so when someone is nice to me i simply leave. but sometimes i can't make myself leave

[romana-after-dark]

The Wrong Way: Chapter 8

Dark!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader Tommy Miller x reader (secondary)

Masterlist

Spotify playlist

Summery: You are sold to Joel to clear up some of your fathers' debts, and he takes you back to his house where him, Tommy, and high ranking members of his raiding trope stay. Joel is mean, cruel, and hash, but had small moments of softness that confuse you in your venerable state. Over time, you get to know him and Tommy, and see different sides of each, and both are hiding secrets. Was it possible to fall in love under these circumstances? Or was that just another way Joel was fucking with you?

Aka: my mom sold me to One Direction

WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. Blow Jobs, PIV sex, lose of virginity, sex trafficking, past incest, death/people dying everywhere, Stockholm syndrome, falling for your rapist, victim blaming, torcher, branding, physical abuse, rape (not Joel), somno, dub con on tommy? idk he's not really into it but feels like he has to, self-harm/depression/suicidal thoughts (not a lot) but fair warning, major age gaps, love triangle, pregnancy/birth, threats of abortion, major character death, mentions of potential csa/child abuse but does not even come close to happening, forced pregnancy, forced housewife shit, breeding, breeding kink?!?!

I wanna add we're really heavy on the birth/pregnancy, forced birth, choking, domestic violence, threats of hanging and murder. Can't say I didn't warning yuh (unless i missed a warning of course. then please let me know so i cant edit ASAP) Like this is a rough chapter, a lot of violence to a pregnant woman. but I wanna say right now...

The baby will not be harmed in anyway. Baby will be born healthy, and live and have a good life in both the main ending and alt ending.

5k words (sorry not sorry lol)

Also to clarify a few things I guess i didn't make clear enough in previous chapters!

Joel only 'guessed' that Tommy and LO slept together. He had suspicions but thought he could trust Tommy and his 'girlfriend'. When LO rushed to stop Joel from hurting Tommy, that was his 'evidence'. Joel was beating Tommy because he found out about Maria.

Joel only heard part of the conversation between Zach and Little One. Nick said way back in chapter 3 the wall are thinner than she thinks. He didn't know Lorenzo had any part of it, and because LO didn't rat him out, he never will.

Thats my bad for not being clear!

Can you catch the Superstore homage? (aka i rewatched two episodes just to take it line for line lol)

***************

Month 3

No one warned you about morning sickness. 

You knew fuck all about sex before you came to Joel’s, just a thing or two from your friend back at the ranch and how to get a man off with your mouth or hands, but pregnancy and birth was next to nothing. You didn’t even know how pregnancy happened really, other than a penis in a vagina until you asked Tommy early on if you were going to get pregnant. After a very uncomfortable talk for both of you, Tommy explained that Joel told him he pulls out, so you should be good… Lorenzo said you can still get pregnant that way, but thinking back to the night Joel almost killed Tommy and you… Joel finished inside… the timing added up. 

Pregnancy and birth were entirely unknown to you, and you wished someone would just give you a heads up. Joel had a daughter and no doubt had been through at least once pregnancy, and Lorenzo had mentioned 4 of his 6 older sisters got pregnant before leaving the house… something about no sex education, men too old for them, and their religion not believing in birth control or abortion… but you didn’t know what half those words meant, and after Lorenzo mercilessly made fun of you for days about not knowing Joel’s song for you was actually a very famous song, you didn’t dare ask him about the words, or anything with pregnancy. You didn’t want to ask Joel either, not wanting to give away how terrified you were, not wanting him to think you didn’t want to… But you did! You did want this baby, you reminded yourself again and again and again, because Joel was good to you, Joel took care of you, Joel would care for this baby too. You’d be bound to him, and he’d never get tired of you this way, and he wouldn’t hurt the mother of his child, right?

The birth was something you tried not to think about.

So here you were, puking your gut out before you even had breakfast and Joel held your hair back.

“Shhh, shhhhhhh” he coo’d and you heaved, yellow bile and acid coming up from inside you since the little food in your stomach from dinner had been thrown up 5 minuets ago.

With a final spit into the toilet, you sink back and Joel wipes your mouth for you. “I think that’s it.” You mutter, and Joel carries you into your shared bedroom, laying you down with the care of an infant before kissing your forehead. 

“Don’t worry about breakfast, little one. I don’t need anything this morning.” He says before kissing your cheek. But you were worrying about breakfast, because you wanted it… but the only way you’d be getting food is if you made it. Tommy wasn’t here to care for you anymore. “I’ll be gone until the evening, what's for dinner?”

The thought of cooking, the thought of raw meats and the strong smells of spices made you want to vomit again. “I dunno…”

“I think a few of them chickens is ready to be butchered, you ever made chicken parmesan? We got that cheese I brought back yesterday, you could make something like that.”

You groan a bit, exhausted and tired despite being only 3 months in. You didn’t sleep at all last night, nightmares of the past and the future plaguing you. He knew that you didn’t sleep, you had told him… “Joel I can’t, the butchering, I feel so-”

“I’ll make Lorenzo do it.” He promises. “Chicken parmesan it is then?” He decided for you. What he didn’t understand is it wasn’t just butchering a few chickens. To make chicken parm you need chicken breasts, not the rest of it. You didn’t waste meat, so Lorenzo kills (you could do it on a normal day, but not with your heightened smell) then you pluck, clean, Lorenzo butchers, then you have to separate the different parts and put them into hygienic storage and take them to the freezer locker, then thoroughly clean yourself, all the tools and surfaces (and Lorenzo) to prevent illness. It would take hours. But Joel didn’t see that, he only ever saw the food at the end of his day.

“Okay” You agree reluctantly, and he begins kissing your neck and groping you, no doubt wanting a quicky before a long day of unspeakable violence. “Joel, please, I don’t feel good.” You beg him not to, but you learned in the past that this never got far.

His morning breath wasn’t helping anything as he tugged down your shorts. “I’ll be quick.”

You knew what that meant. Joel slid into you with no prep, no lubrication, and it burned. The steady rocking was the last thing you needed right now, and with his head buried in your neck, you covered your mouth as the nausea took over. You threw up, but like everything the last several months, you just swallowed it down again to deal with when Joel was gone. When he came inside (wasn’t he worried about you getting pregnant again?) you quickly pull up your pants and run to the bathroom, pushing past Lorenzo no doubt on his way to babysitting duties with you. 

As he watched you run past and heard the sounds of throwing up, Lorenzo caught Joel’s arm as he brushed past. “Peppermint or ginger. Find it, whatever form it's in. Oils, drops, whatever. If you can find the leaves or the root we can make it into a tea. Just find it, it’ll help her nausea.”

Month 4

“Okay Lorenzo, I got a question for you, and you can’t make fun of me.” You say as you cook, the swell of your belly beginning to show now.

“No guarantees.” He says, sitting his drink. How did he find so much alcohol?

“Fine. Okay… when Joel and I have sex-”

He visibly cringed. “Since when do we talk about our sex lives?” 

“Renzo.”

“Fine, go on. But remember I’m not exactly an expert on female anatomy.”

You take a deep breath. “Okay. Well I told you he always pulls out right? Um… ever since I told him im pregnant… he doesn’t.”

Lorenzo waits for you to continue, but you don’t. You think that’s it. “What the problem?”

You continue to avoid looking at him, stirring the soup. “Well.. what if I get pregnant again?”

He stares at you like he’s trying to make sense of your question before the recognition sets in. “OH!” But before he explains what he means… his face shifts… theres something sad in there, a hint of pain in his eyes you only saw once, the face he had as he looked at you in disgust while Joel carried you from the bedroom to the bath while you were covered head to toe in spit and cum and period blood… was it pity? “Jesus kid… No one really taught you anything, did they?”

“C’mon, just tell me.”

Scrubbing his face, he sighed. “No, you can’t get pregnant while your already pregnant.”

Oh. “Wait… really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Ah. Okay then.”

There was a long, long silence before he spoke again. “If you got any other question about, like… pregnancy and birth… I can try and answer.”

Joel had been trying to find a doctor, a midwife, something for you… but it was slim pickings in Wyoming. 

Five minuets later, you were squealing, covering your ears, but laughing. “Ew! What the hell is a mucus plug! You know what, I don’t wanna-”

“IT’S A PLUG FULL OF MUCUS IN YOUR VAGINA WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?!?!” He yells loud enough to get past your attempt at blocking your ears. 

“NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH!!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” But you still could.

“Honestly in the last month or two all kinds of weird things are gonna come out of you including but not limited to a very slimey and weird looking baby.”

You gasp, feigning indignance. “How dare you insult my unborn child!”

“It ain’t personal, sweetheart. All babies look ugly as fuck as newborns. Now, let’s get back to the gritty details.”

With a squeal, you try to run away. “No! I know enough!” But you’re laughing. It felt like you were messing around with Zach back in your childhood home. 

“My sister Elaina lost like 4 teeth.”

“AAAHHHHH!”

Month 5

Joel had finally found a midwife of sorts. Well, technically, Jack did, as it was his cousin. Maura had been a nurse in the birthing wing a short time before everything went to shit and had been helping women deliver babies ever since. Initially, she told Jack to keep his mouth shut. She hated Joel and didn’t want a thing to do with him, but when no one else showed up and you were in your 5th month, she relented, purely for the sake of the innocent kidnapped girl. 

“Put the fucking gun away, Joel.” She said as she entered your room, grabbing the barrel in Joel’s hands and pointing it to the floor. “Point that shit at me again and I’m not helping your child bride.” She stared him down, head tilted up only slightly to reach his eyes. If she was intimidated by Joel, she wouldn’t

Joel glared at her, but he didn’t have many options. “If you hurt her-”

“From what I hear, you’re doing enough of that yourself. Now, you stand up against the wall and watch if you want to, but don’t interfere, and do not try to intimidate me, understood?”

You watched in awe as she stood her ground… It had been months before you had done anything of the sort against Joel, only standing up to him when Tommy’s life was in danger. Joel gave a curt nod and she turn to approach where you lay, sat up against some pillows.

A gentle smile was on her face, but it was clear she was here for business. Still, her confidence and certainty put you at ease.

“My name’s Maura, I’ll be helping deliver this baby.” She was beautiful, with long black hair and a light smattering of freckles on her face, but got straight to the point. It was clear she knew what she was doing, asking you questions you hadn’t even thought of yet and examining you. When she was done, she stood up, looking at you, not Joel. “It seems despite the circumstances-”

Joel tried to interrupt. “The fuck’s that supposed to mean”

But Maura ignored him, keeping your attention with her bright brown eyes. “Despite the circumstances, everything appears to be progressing naturally, theres no cause for concern as of right now. But you need to keep things low stress.” It was then she turned to glare at Joel, to emphasize her point.

Maura said she’d be staying near-by and Joel was paying her a hefty price for her services. When you’d go into labor, Joel was to send a man on horse to fetch her, preferably Jack, but she warned she would armed, and she’d be there shortly.

That night, Joel held you close as you discussed baby names. 

“How about Loretta? Like that singer you liked?”

Joel hums, none commital. “I always liked Dorothy, we could call her Dolly as a nickname. I know you like Dolly Parton” Joel had been teaching you about old country music, and you certainly had a few favorites. Not knowing many women in general, your pool of girl names was not strong so you drew from singers he’d mentioned. 

You scrunch up your nose a bit at that. “I like Dolly, I don’t like Dorothy.”

“It was my grandmas name, I’d really like to name our daughter after her.” His voice had that tone to it, the one that left little room to argue, but you tried to push past Dorothy.

“Maybe June? Like June Carter?” You knew how particle he was to Johnny Cash, but also... that was the name of the only friend you had before Tommy.

“That’s beautiful, little one, June it is.” He smiles into your skin, and you think you’ve won, when he says. “Dorothy June.” 

He had already decided, and there was no real option to argue or change his mind. You’d just call her Dolly, then.

You had one thing you really, really wanted for boy name, and you desperately hoped you could get it, but you couldn’t tell him why. You didn’t want any more kids so this was your only shot. You hadn’t even wanted this one, but as your stomach swelled with life, motherly love came with it and you decided you’d make the best of the situation. The child inside you was your number one priority. “Okay, boys? I really like Caleab… It’s my favorite boy name…” You didn’t have to tell him that was Zach’s middle name.

“I like it, bebita.” 

You got what you wanted. You knew Joel was hoping for a girl, so you figured he was less particular on the boy name. 

“Got any ideas for the middle name?” You ask him.

“Nothing in mind, really. I’m open…” He kisses your neck.  “Anything you want?”

You keep quiet. The name you wanted… he’d never go for.

Joel pulled you closer, nuzzling his face against you as he whispered. “Ah. I see.” You freeze. Tommy hadn’t been so much as alluded to since he barely made it out alive and you thought for sure Joel would have a fit, and you began to prepare yourself to feel a hand wrapped around your throat… But he tucked your hair behind your ear and kissed into your locks as he settled down for bed. “Caleb Thomas”

Month 6 

Lorenzo was getting on your fucking nerves today, and you were about to fling the frying pan, bubbling grease and all, at his face. 

“Will you shut up?”

“No, I’m not going to shut up because you are being fucking stupid!” Instead of his usual spot sitting at the kitchen table, he’s standing, arms crossed, in the doorway as you tried to get diner done. “I told you the first day, you are a dumb. Bitch.” he was drunk, three sheets to the wind and absolutely no filter.

“You have no fucking idea what I am! I am trying to fucking survive, Lorenzo, I am trying to keep myself and this baby-”

“You are playing housewife to a serial murder and a rapist!” He yells at you, clearly frustrated. “You are rewarding all the bad things he’s ever done you just give positive reinforcement-”

“Don’t fucking blame me! I’m not reinforcing the bad, I’m reinforcing the good!” You storm over to him, glaring Lorenzo down. “You have no fucking idea how bad things were! I used to dream about killing myself, about dying, about Joel finally snapping and doing it! I am doing the best in the conditions I have!”

“You could have left! You could have left with Zach and gone off with him for fucks sake!”

With a burst of anger you didn’t know was even in you anymore, you shove him, hard, causing the drunk to fall over. “You wanna know what he did last time I tried to run? He caught me within 10 minuets, dragged me back and chained me to this table-” You point at the table that you and Joel sit at most evenings now for diner. “And raped me in front of everyone, Lorenzo! Then he branded me and left me to be gang raped by all your little buddies here! And no one could stop him, not even Tommy! All Tommy could do is stand by and watch, and unchain me after Joel left before anyone could do anything more!”

Lorenzo was not deterred. “That’s my fucking point!”

“If I leave and he catches me, I am dead!”

Scoffing, Lorenzo rolls his eyes from where he’s slumped against the floor. “Yeah, that’s why”

Unsure how much more you can take from him, you motion him to continue.

“You just don’t wanna admit you fell in love with your rapist.”

That was enough. You begin to walk away from him, but he follows after you. 

“What about when you give birth, huh? What kind of father is he going to be? Are you going to stand by while he beats your kids?”

“SHUT UP!” You scream, still walking away. 

“And what if you have a daughter? You just gonna let him molest her like your dad-”

You wipe around so fast you don’t even have time to blink. “No, Joel isn’t like that.” 

Lorenzo laughs at you, cruel and loud. “You are 20 years younger than him, he raped you! You really think he’s above-”

“YES! He will not hurt her like that!”

“And if you have a son? Do you really wanna raise a man like Joel? The kind of man who beats and rapes innocent girls?”

Tears prickle at your eyes now, a terrible tightness in your chest bubbling with stomach bile. “N-no, that’s not gonna happen, I won’t let-”

“Oh, because you’ve had so much choice the last year, havn’t you. Sooooo much control.”

“I won’t.” You shake your head vigorously. “I won’t let anything happen to my baby, Joel won’t hurt them.”

“So, say he doesn't. You really gonna raise a kid here? Half the men here would’ve raped you, given the chance! You really think your child is safe here?”

You can’t argue with him when he’s right. But he doesn’t get it. Joel is good now, Joel protects you, Joel will protect the baby… Joel is gentle now… soft, kind… he thinks of you, he sings you songs… he plays music for you, he’ll be a good dad… You’ll be okay…

You shut down, going into autopilot. You don’t look at Lorenzo as you walk back to the kitchen to finish frying the chicken. Joel would be home soon.

Month 7

“JACK! GET MAURA!” Joel shouts as you groan on the bed, the tight contractions hurting.

“Joel, it hurts!” You call for him, and in a flash Joel is at your bedside, letting you squeeze his hand. 

“I know, little one, I know…” He pets your hair, having flashbacks to Sarah’s birth…. He wanted another girl so bad, but god, he just wanted a healthy baby and for his girl to make it out alive. Birth was dangerous in modern medicine, nonetheless a post-apocalyptic shitstorm. 

Lorenzo stood in the doorway, biting his nails. “You’re not due for another 8 weeks!”

Grunting through the pain, you let a rare bout of sarcasm slip. “Oh yeah, that’s right, never mind.”

“Could be false labor, you know? That’s called Braxton-Hicks contractions?” Lorenzo looked more nervous than you.

Joel ignored him. “It’s gonna be okay, Maura’s on her way and I think even out here 32 weeks is gonna be okay.” Joel wasn’t entirely sure about his own words. 32 weeks meant a premature baby, and pre-mature usually meant NICU… but there was no NICU to go to… if the babies lungs were under developed or anything like that, there were no options. 

Lorenzo was chewing through his nails enough to draw blood. “Or maybe it’s Braxton-Hicks”

At that, Joel finally acknowledges Lorenzo. “Okay, we get it, you know the term Braxton-Hicks, we’re all very impressed.”

“AHHHHHHH” You yell, wishing to get there was something for the pain.

Lorenzo wouldn’t shut up. “Okay, contractions are getting longer, that means your in active labor?”

“Her water hasn’t broke yet!” 

“Is she dilated?”

“Does it look like her pants are off to you?”

“Well check!”

“I don’t know how to tell! Weren’t you bragging last month you helped your sister give birth in a Walmart?”

“That doesn’t mean I know how to check if she’s dilated!”

“You know more than me!”

“I’m not sticking my fucking face between legs!”

“Oh, because you’re gay you’re suddenly scared of vagina’s?”

“What are you talking about?”

“So you’d rather let her just die?”

“DIE? Joel she’s not gonna die because I’m not looking at her fucking cu-”

“GUYS” you shout, causing both to turn and look at you. “The contractions stopped.”

There’s a moment of silence before Lorenzo speaks. “Oh. Huh. That’s uhhh… Braxton-Hicks I guess. False labor.”

As Joel kissed you that night, sex was the last thing you wanted, but you knew there was no point in fighting it.

Joel sucked on your throat, already bruised with dark marks from the night before, now sore and aching with new licks and bites, his hands roaming to expanse of skin presented before him. Gripping, feeling, pinching, tugging, some things felt good, some hurt, but that didn’t matter. He’d get you off, he always did, at night anyway, but you knew sometimes he just liked to feel you, feel what he owned.  The pain is mine. Your cries are mine, your cunt is mine. And if you bleed? Your blood is mine.

Your belly round and swollen with child, he could not hardly keep his hand off it, every time his hand traveled to explore, it quickly found itself returning to its home, never wanting to miss a kick. He slithered down, nestling his face between your legs and devouring your pussy the way he did your neck, the way he did every piece of you, body and soul and until there was nothing left but this subservient version of you, weak and obedient to his hands. He lapped you up, skilled tongue exploring through your folds only pausing to nibble at the soft skin of your thighs or kiss the round stomach above him. He felt extra possessive today, a desperate, anxious way about him as he devoured you so hungrily you wondered if he intended to eat you, swallow you whole to keep you with him forever; a communion, and you were the eucharist, a matrimony of cannibalism. 

You wanted to tug at his hair, you wanted to entangle yourself in him but your belly was in the way, so you simply laid back and enjoyed as he tongue fucked you, prodding at your entrance, his hands on the globe where your child waits to be born.

“Fuck, Joel, need you, need to cum, please.”

You beg for him, plead, and he devours. Joel knows you love when his perfect, plus lips such at your mound and your clit with long fingers fingering into you, and you yelp when they curl up and hit that spot inside you. “Keep moaning, little one, let me hear you.”

You obliged. Sometimes you wondered how sick everyone in the house was of hearing you, but they weren’t the ones you needed to please; pleasing Joel kept you alive.

“I need you inside me, please” Nudging him with your leg as you cry for his cock. “Joel, I gotta have you inside me, I need to cum on your cock, please? Please, Joel-”

A wet, sloppy sound as he detached from you, and his eyes looked just as hungry as he acted while he crawled up. “You beg so pretty, little one, such a pretty little cock whore.”

But you didn’t have time for his talking, you needed him inside you, now; the hormones of the pregnancy had a mind of their own. You take a chance and push him down, watching Joel smile as you straddle his waist. “God, I just- just need you.”

“The take me, little one, take me” 

You cry out as you sink down onto him, feeling your cunt split on him. “Fuuuck!” Sobbing, you take him fully and begin to fuck yourself on him.

“Just like that, pretty girl, fuck, taking me so well, gonna have you all stretched out to have this baby, huh? Gonna give me a child, little girl? A baby of our own? Fuck, fuck you look so pretty like this, swollen with my child, stretching your stomach as I stretch your cunt, fucking perfect, my perfect wife.”

Wife.

Wife.

Wife?!

You knew Joel was delusional… but fuck, Lorenzo was right… you were playing house wife. Joel thought of you as his wife… 

“Gonna fuck you full of my cum, again, and again, keep you constantly knocked up, make our happy little family, you and me and a dozen little kids running around, FUCK, our family, our family.”

You continued the pace, you couldn’t falter, you couldn’t slow down, you couldn’t hesitate; you couldn’t give any sort of reason for him to think you didn’t want this…

But it suddenly struck you

You were trapped. Joel trapped you with a baby, knowing you’d need him to protect it, knowing you’d never leave your child… and now he was going to keep you pregnant. You could never leave with 5,6,7 kids, it would be impossible. 

“Yeah, fuck yourself on my cock little one, just little that…” Joel reached out to touch you, roughly manhandling your tits that were swollen and engorged.

You begin to cry, but that wouldn’t give away anything for Joel; he fucking loved that shit.

One hand on your breast, one on your clit. “Cry on my cock, baby girl, cry when you cum.”

You did, you sobbed as you came, your body betraying the horrors you felt at his hands.

Month 8

“Hey Joel? Can I talk to you about something?”

You had to do it. You had to. And it had to be now. You two had fucked less than half an hour ago and he was currently eating your food, humming contently. He was always lovey-dovey after sex, and was always much happier after food… The pair didn’t line up often, so now was your chance. 

“What’s on your mind, little one? Nervous about being a mother? You’ll be a great mom; I just know it.” He smiled at you with puppy dog eyes, looking up from his plate, and you couldn’t help smiling back, not when he showered you with compliments.

“Well… you’ve said before you wanted lots of kids… but we… well this little baby was an accident.”

“A miracle, not an accident.” Joel corrected you. You didn’t see how conceiving a child the night he was threatening to blow your brains onto a wall for sleeping with his brother if you didn’t shoot said-baby’s uncle was a miracle… but you digress

“Right. Well… we never really talked about more kids… and although I’m over the moon about this baby, I did initially not want to have it.” Joel’s face began to darken, but you powered through. “Maybe we could see how we feel about one kid after a few years before thinking about-”

Joel slammed down his silverware. “What are you trying to say.”

But you freeze. This was a bad idea, you needed to placate immediately, you needed to calm him down. “N-nothing, Joel, just thinking out loud.”

He stood up, a deadly, blank stare on his face, so far removed from the adoration as he bestowed kisses on your ever-growing belly. Joel walked around the table, standing behind you and placing firm hands on your shaking shoulders, leaning into your ear. 

“You say’n you don’t want my kids? Don’t wanna be their mama? You don’t wanna be my wife?”

“No, no that’s not-” But you don’t get a chance to finish, his hand is wrapped around your throat and insane strength pulling you up and out of the chair, the wooden furniture toppled to the side in a loud clatter. He slams the back of your head against the drywall, you’re toes barely touch the ground; struggling to breath, you claw at his hand, but he doesn’t even blink.

The panic begins to set it.

“YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE! YOU DO NOT GET TO MAKE CHOICES!” He screams, and out of the corner of your eye you watch as a few men hesitantly gather, like vultures waiting on the next piece of deadmeat. You couldn’t see who, but it didn’t matter. Even the good ones couldn’t intervene.

Joel’s face was suddenly right in front of yours. “Everything you have, any freedom, any luxuries, any power you think you have is because I have given it to you.” Black spots appeared, your vision blurring, sinking into the unknown and god, did it feel sweet. Was it finally over? “I bought you, I own you, you have no rights! You are nothing! You are nothing but a toy for me to play with, a breeding bitch and you should be so lucky to sit at my table!”

He let go, but as you gasped for breath, Joel yanked at your hair and patched you across the room, not letting go of his grasp on you as you flung into the counter. What he didn’t know, what he could never understand was how the handle of the draw rammed into the brand on your side. Suddenly, all sense, all rational went out the window, and you were violently thrust back to last year as he burned his initials into your skin. The flashbacks were triggered, and the result was nothing short of hysteria. You cry out for the only person who would step in.

“TOMMY!TOMMY!TOMMY!TOMMY!TOMMYYYY” You scream, the fact Tommy was miles away didn’t matter, nor did the fact this would only anger Joel more. This didn’t matter; you wanted him, no one but him, and all sense was knocked out of you.

Joel pulls you up by your hair and slaps you hard enough that you taste blood and screams at you to not say Tommy’s name, but you can’t stop, you scream and scream and scream for him to come save you and your baby, the precious little life inside you that has never done anything wrong. 

You fight and claw and panic, hysterics drowning out the one or two voices telling Joel to stop; who they belonged to, you couldn’t say. 

Joel stopped listening, and the voices grow louder as Joel drags you, kicking and screaming, outside; rope and a chair in his hand, your hair in the other, and Joel walked with long strides to a tree outside.

****************

YEEEEEEESSSSHHHHHHHHHHH Cliiiiiff hanger, hanging from a cliiiiiiffff thats why he's caaaaallled, Cliff Hangers!

Who else used to watch Inbetween The Lions? Anyway.

Who wanna guess what happens!

Only two chapters left!

For the sake of credit, if you didn't find the superstore reference or dont watch the show, most of the dialogue between Joel and Lorenzo and LO was between Amy and Jonah from two birth related episodes of superstore

Also, Maura is named after my dear dear friend @maura-honey who although is not generally a fanfiction girlie, made a tumblr so she could read, like and reblog this series and always sends me such lovely messages <3

Reblogs are the best way to spread and support, but comments mean the world. I know not everyone likes to share dark content on their blog, but even a kind anon is such support!

for those who voted you dont like or hate or Lorenzo, I hope that doesn't mean you hate him as n he's a bad character. I got a comment on AO3 that said "i cant tell if i like lorenzo or not, but i like him in the story" which makes sense! His victim blaming is really fucking shitty.

no poll today, sorry!

MoonBanana said they think LO copes by lying to herself until she beleives it, what do y'all think? is she as delusional as joel?

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @howaboutcastiel @tidlewav3 @bunnnyy-dummy @slutfortimotheechalamet @foggymoonbanana @dinsbaby @miraclesabound @jenna-ortega @primosworld @marclovers @threeheadedlamb @secretwriterpp @the-fox-den

@bitchyglitterfox @0bsessedwithfictionalcharacters @alloftheboysivelovedbefore @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @lunar-ghoulie @pedritosdarling @dreamonseems @alwaysdjarin @amoramorquetepintas @milla-frenchy

#dark!joel #the wrong way series #the last of us hbo #dark joel miller #joel miller #joel miller smut #non con #dub con #the wrong way fic #joel miller fic #Tommy miller #dddne #joel miller reader #joel miller fem reader #fem reader #fem!reader #tommy miller reader #tommy miller fem!reader #tommy miller fem reader #tommy miller smut #Spotify

[justjams2003]

I’ll take care of you

Okay so, the person who requested this, asked for it like 2 weeks ago I think. I feel so bad for making them wait for so long TT. I do have several excuses of course but I don’t think that they’d like to hear them. Also I like finished writing it and then I reread the requist and I did like half of it wrong so then I redid it. Um so yeah, sorry for making you wait. I hope it is what you wanted, made the wait worth it :)

Pairing: Le Chiffre x reader

Summary: Your gambling father actually won a poker match against Le Chiffre himself. In a bout of anger, Le Chiffre makes sure to get his revenge

Warnings: Non-con, kidnapping, mood swings, blood tears, praising, degrading, p in v, tell me if I missed any

Word count: 2,4k

Gambling is a dangerous game. And you're a beautiful girl. One almost everyone sought after. Your father would bring you to his poker matches, he'd call you his secret weapon. It made you uncomfortable, but he's a scoundrel. Someone who begs and grovels and will look for the fastest way possible to make a quick buck.  

Most of the time, it worked. He'd ask you to wear your most revealing dress and when you walked in the room, he'd be able to figure out what his opponents tell. It's just plain dirty and low of him. Using his own daughter like that. He doesn't care though; he made his money.  

However, this isn't most of the time. Your father has got himself into quite the trouble this time. Somehow, he'd landed a gambling match with Le Chiffre himself. Of course, others are there but that doesn't really matter too much.  

This is your dear old dad's last buy in, and he's racked up quite the debt. It's only him, Le Chiffre and one other. He feels like he's sweating like nothing before. The Albanian man's stare is like a laser cutting through his bones. Finding all the little secrets and knowing exactly what his cards are. He's 3 million in debt to him already. If he loses this round, it's another 3.  

Now's the time, like you've rehearsed so many times. Your dress has a slit running all the way up to your hip, exposing skin and leaving the imagination excited. Your back is entirely open, and your front fabric is held up by barely a few strings.  

Your hips away as you walk in, and you grab a champagne from the first waiter you can find. You go over and whisper something in your dad's ear. Something unimportant, what is important is that Le Chiffre seems to lock his jaw. His eyes roam every part of your body.  

You feel hot, you never do, this is normal to you. But the way the scar on his eyes gives him this aura of danger that makes you slick. Not to mention his eyes don't even bother to look at your cleavage. They stare into your soul, grasping you and begging you to come just a little closer.  

No, you mustn't. You must stay true to your father. He does all this for you, yes? Or at least that is what you tell yourself. You sit down, crossing your legs and making sure your slit shows off as much as your leg as you can.  

The game goes on. It doesn't look like this distraction tactic has worked much. Your dad looks to be bleeding chips, he still has no clue what Le Chiffre’s tell is and the other man has already given up. Even winning though, the Albanian man still is pouring his heat onto you.  

Your father is down to his last few thousand. His leg is bouncing, and sweat is pouring from him. “I can smell you,” Le Chiffre leans over and whispers to him. Trying to save him just an ounce of his dignity. “I tell you what. You lose this and I’ll let you keep 3 million.”  

Your only parental figure lets out a huge sigh, “Thank you, thank you so much.” He’s practically praising the man for his kindness, Le Chiffre himself. “But I have a condition.” He continues but unfortunately at that point you couldn’t hear much else.  

Annoyingly the waiter kept bothering you and by the time you shoe’d him off, your father called you over. You thought this was another tactic of his. You saunter over, making sure to accentuate your hips. “My dear how old are you?” He asks, caressing your arm.  

You give your best most innocent smile, “I just turned 18,” you flutter your eyelashes at the older men. He seemed to swallow his breathe there and then. His eyes avoid you, everyone, they’re glued to the floor. “Well then.” He bites his lip and again he sighs.  

Then he waves his hand over to Le Chiffre, “You belong to this man now.” Your eyebrows furrow and air escapes from your mouth in disbelief. “Belong to him?” You scoff again and look from your father, then to the other Albanian man and then back to dad.  

“Yes, I’ve sold you to get rid of the debt I’ve racked up.” He explains still not being able to look you or his opponent in the eyes. The man, whom you’ve seen for the first time this evening and honestly don’t even know the name to, gives a vicious smirk.  

There are no words that can even find their way out. That isn’t legal, is it? Though, none of this is legal in any case. If you were to go to the police, you’ll most definitely be killed. By any of these men, they’re all rich by some degree and the fact that your father even found himself here is a miracle.  

Though now it’s turning into a nightmare. Le Chiffre calls for the dealer that he’d like the cards to be shown. You hold your breath. This one moment defines it the rest of your life now. “Mr. Black wins.” Your heart races as your father throws out a matching three eights and Le Chiffre has nothing.  

You two both jump up in joy, showing more emotion than anyone else in that room probably ever has. You give the man a smirk, who’s name you still don’t know. “Sorry mister, whatever your name is, looks like I’m staying all by myself.” You give him a smirk and you and your dad walk off to celebrate.

It’s the middle of the night and suddenly you can’t breathe. You can taste the dirty rag being pressed against your mouth. Even with open eyes you can’t see. You struggle but its big strong hands picking up. You can’t scream, you can’t see with the sack over your head.

Though soon enough it’s pulled off your head. The room has little light, and it definitely helps with the senses. There is no need for light though, the man with the scar over his eye is right in front of you. His bodyguards, presumably the people who stole you from your bed, scatter.  

“You.” You narrow your eyes at him, the ropes burn your wrist. You feel exposed, your pyjamas don’t really count much considering it’s only your panties and a tiny, cropped tank top. You clench your legs trying to hide yourself at least just a bit.  

“You lost. I’m not yours to own.” You almost bare your teeth at him, though you feel that might just anger him. He scoffs at this. “This is what you believe. But I saw you and you are mine. That is something that neither of us will question.”  

He commands, stepping closer to you. He crouches down in front of you, his hand lands on your thigh. He bends over, his nose grazes your inner thigh making his way up to your stomach with a deep breath in. “You want it though; I can smell it.”  

He smirks, it might just be true, his touch does things to you, his gaze but this is too much. Far too much and you feel uncomfortable, and you just want it to stop already. “No, no, it’s not true.” You shake your head and bite your lip to keep the tears at bay.  

He coos at you; his other hand takes your chin in between his fingers to look you in the eyes. “You do want it, you showed me with your eyes. You were more than eager, practically jumping out of that little dress of yours.” He licks his lips thinking back to it.  

“No, please, I-I was just flirting, my dad asked me to.” You beg him, shaking your head as the tears begin to fall. His hand begins to creep higher up your thigh. “Why would want to stay with a man like him? He shushes, wiping the tears off.  

He goes behind the chair and unties your ropes. You try to fight back but already he has your hands in a tight grip. “No don’t fight.” You don’t listen of course and throw your limbs around. “I said not to fight, I will tie you back up, do not test me.” He commands, your hands burn from his constraint.  

A sob racks through your body and you give into the pain. “Such a good girl, so good,” it doesn’t help, obviously. You’re not sure why he thinks it would. His hands find their way to your waist, what you don’t expect is for him to pick you up.  

He places you, even if gingerly, on the bed. His tongue is up and down your neck, sucking here and there only causing more tears to flow from you. “I’m saving you. He didn’t care. I fucking care. Just fucking accept it.” He grunts out.  

Then suddenly his mood changes again. “I’ll take care of you.” Now he’s soft and sweet again. He grasps you by the neck and forced his lips onto you. And when you refuse to kiss back, he grips your neck tighter to the point that it begins to burn.  

That doesn’t part doesn’t break you though, it’s when you begin to feel your lungs burn as well. He does go up to breathe but even then, his hand around your throat is so tight, no air seems to enter your lungs. And finally, when he presses up against you, you give in.

“See? Doesn’t that feel good?” He smirks and nods and when you return the kiss again, he grinds his tight bulge against your crotch. Even if he has his hand wrapped around your throat, you can’t help but feel good. Your panties are wet, after all just earlier you did want to jump on him.  

Your body moves without thought. Shoving yourself closer to him, to get more of that friction he’s craving as well. He groans out when you do this, letting go of your lips, still tasting your spit in his mouth.  

He stands up, you think this is it. He’s letting you go. That’s all he wanted. Yet when he unbuttons his shirt, throwing it over your shoulder, you know it’s not true. You don’t know what to do, what to say. You scootch yourself up to the furthest point on the bed away from him.  

You wrap your arms around yourself, trying to cover what rest of you that you have left. Though soon enough his pants and underwear drop. Showing his massive cock spring out. Already it’s oozing, he’s getting off on your shivering form.  

He grasps his dick, giving it a few pumps. His eyes, half lid, look straight into yours. Again, it seems like he’s into your soul, he’s filled with lust. It feels as though he’s fucking you already. You look away, you feel yourself pulsing. You can hear him chuckle at this reaction you have.  

You hear the drawer open, and your curiosity gets the best of you. You glance over just to be met with a knife in his hand. “No, no wait, please,” you begin to beg already. Only thoughts of the violent things he might do to you run through your mind.  

He coos at you and climbs on the bed again. You begin to thrash and scramble but he grabs you by the ankle. He pulls you closer with such force that you’re laying down again. “Stop it, little girl. You were so good just now.”  

He prods the knife against your neck. You gulp and nod, if you’re good he seems to be nicer. You nod, “I’ll be good, sir,” it’s almost ironic that you still don’t know his name. He hums and nods, “I like the sound of that.” He smirks and again he sucks on your neck.  

Then he grabs the small straps of your shirt and cuts them off. Then shreds your shirt up, doing the same with your panties. You gasp at the cold metal. Fear laces your body every time the edge comes closer to your flesh.  

He hums again, “Your skin is so soft.” You curse your body as your thighs clench together and your cheeks get dusted with blush. His eyes flick down to your bare pussy. He grabs your legs, right by your bum. Already lining himself up with your throbbing hole.  

He doesn’t even bother to prepare me beforehand. He shoves right into you, you scream out, his size is just plain uncomfortable to begin with. He begins thrusting already, not even allowing time for you to adjust. He groans in your ears.  

Holding your legs right up against his pelvic bone, making sure he’s all the way inside you. His lips attach themselves to any part of you he can find. He moves from your one nipple to the other. Unable to be able to keep his lips off you.  

You can feel him inside you. His every grove and vein pressing as far as possible inside you. Your bodies are so tightly pressed up against each other, each thrust causes so much friction. Right up against your clit.  

You can’t help but start to beg for more. “Please, please sir,” it just slips right out of your mouth. You’re bright red, and Le Chiffre gives a wicked smirk. “Please, what?” He asks, thrusting into over and over making it almost impossible to say something.  

Though he’s going with such a force that soon enough he’s groaning and moaning in your ear. You can feel his hot and heavy seed mixing deep inside your body. You can see his muscles strain. And in the moment of pleasure and heat of his body, you feel your stomach tighten.  

And on those last few pumps there is a release in your whole body. He rides out his high and you can feel his gaze on your shivering body. “You’re mine, yes?” He nods, guiding you to say yes.  

After the exhaustion you see a single drop of red flow down his cheek. He slaps your ass, making sure you reply. To be honest, you’re in such awe, shock and exhaustion that the only reply you have is a meagre nod.  

#le chiffre #le chiffre x reader #le chiffre x y/n #le chiffre x you #james bond #casino royale

[stardustdiiving]

I would read your zhongxiao codependent yuri Like, I do generally picture them as a vaguely father/son dynamic BUT THAT IS NOT CANON. It's just as much fun to view them through a romantic interpretation! Idk why people can't view the same characters in different kinds of relationships without being weird about it.

Anyway I love your vision and would love to hear more about it lakdjs

THANK U SO MUCH Im not sure if I’m gonna write zx in the future since I’ve tended to be shy about posting my stuff relating to them for over a yr now, but I did post this fic with them last year while trying to get a hold on how to write them (mind the tags it’s pure angst omg). I was too shy to tag it as ship since it didn’t feel shippy enough, which is kind of funny to me in hindsight bc I reread it and am like. Man I think only a zx shipper would write this NUFNVJVJV

Post got kind of lot Im gonna go on a tangent about them under the cut

Honestly my theory for why ppl r very set on the father/son interpretation is everyone’s immediate thought on to how to make the power imbalance between them seem less uncomfortable is to apply a parental interpretation to it. Which is fine ofc, I get it, but the way ppl push it as canon a lot kind of grates on me a little bc they’re usually incredibly passive aggressive and pushy even if u clearly designate ur post as ship OTL

Also not really a fan of the characterizations either since ppl tend to treat Xiao like a moody teenager Zhongli has to reel in (this is hilariously reminiscent of the post I made about how ppl handle scaramouche and nahida a bit ago haha). And idk I just feel kind of polarized about the headcanon overall bc I associate it with people being really uncomfortable and frustrating about zx

I just like how there’s sort of an imbalance to them, some zxs like them being more fluffy and functional but I sort of like it where it’s not like, entirely dysfunctional but I’m prioritizing a specific kind of character study over romance. This tends to be how a lot of my ships go ngl I just sometimes enjoy the intensity/intimacy of romantic feelings thrown into the mix if it makes it interesting but I’m not often interested in a lot of my ships following more standard romance plots(?) I guess? Unless it’s specific ones. Which sounds clinical when I put it like that but this is just bc I am very aromantic NHFBVJVJ

When I say codependency in zhongxiao honestly it’s sort of a theoretical(?) codependency—not sure how to word it? I think Xiao would be really fucked up if he didn’t have Zhongli in his life suddenly but I don’t think his relationship with getting attached to people invokes what people would majorly think of when they think of codependency in a ship I suppose. It’s moreso I just feel Xiao could be at his worst with dehumanizing himself in comparison to other people with Zhongli, because said mental state is driven by how he feels about debt, service, and duty which are very closely tied with devotion and how he would feel about someone he considers his god and leader, as well as someone who saved him

It’s fun this is paired with Zhongli who generally knows how to work with Xiao kind of understands the self destructive depth Xiao’s loyalty/devotion comes with. Also fun they have been around each other for a very long time and Xiao as one of the adepti is familiar with the past I think Zhongli appreciates having around. They work but it’s also a case where Zhongli is in such a position of power over Xiao its kind of very delicate situation that’s hard for both of them to navigate. Which is fun to explore. I esp love contrasting it with other Xiao pairings (actually i think i still have that xiaoven fic up on my ao3 where I tried to convey a specific interpretation of them in a similar exploration vein too)

I totally get why people wouldn’t like it (I feel a lot of my opinions on xiao ships just clash with a lot of fandom consensus so bad all the time And it’s just bc I’m like this I’m not even trying to be contrarian or anything. HELDINCJD) but I just tend to handle shipping in a specific way. It’s not I don’t enjoy fluffy or lighthearted zl and xiao stuff I actually enjoy it a lot I just like there being layers. This makes it feel more impactful when I think about how Zhongli looks out for Xiao in canon or how Xiao gets like textually flustered talking to him (lantern rite 2023 was so tailored to my tastes it’s not even funny)

#the yuri part is more of an inside joke w my friends bc this is how we all talk but I did once compare zx to my sapphic awakening pairing #which is rose & Pearl from steven universe and it is truly my favorite thing to pitch to people verbally bc It kind of sounds #incomprehensible but also I’m totally onto something….no one understands…. #Pearl and xiao r literally both spear wielding birds who’s arc revolves around being ok w being a person who lives for themselves :// #and they r eternally grateful to their war general leader . no one gets it. it torments me personally bc #I loved Pearl SU when I was 11 and now I enjoy xiao a lot and it’s like…we’ll these r very different characters but also I think I have not #changes. JUDJDKXJD #it’s 3am I woke up in a haze to answer this…I need to go to bed smh #fern.txt #zhongxiao #Edit: I woke up and finished writing this post and I a #am so tired #asks

[kyra45]

Hi! I think I saw you said you were looking for peoples experiences with Laura so here’s mine.

I came across one of her donation posts a while back and reblogged it, I wasn’t in the best financial place at the moment but I wanted to boost and maybe send money when I got my next paycheck. After I reblogged it, though, she showed up in my DMs asking for help and saying she was desperate and needed money for food, and since I’ve been in a similar place (relying entirely on donations to get things like food or medical care) I sent her some money. But after I sent money, she continued to DM me sending countless photos and videos, some distressing, and constantly begging for more money, even if I didn’t respond she would keep spamming DMs begging and emphasizing how dire her situation was and getting more and more insistent and distressing. I felt bad not being able to help and also had for feeling uncomfortable with how she was interacting with me.

This past Ramadan, as giving charity is part of it, I was donating to a handful of mutual aid posts I came across, and while I had been put off by Laura, I saw many blogs claim she was legit or even spreading the word for her or doing fundraisers on her behalf, so I sent a decent amount of money her way (I can’t fast for Ramadan, so I focus on doing a lot of charity). I remember wondering how Laura was doing and checking her blog some time later and immediately seeing a photo of her supposed dead body which was incredibly distressing. Shortly after I started seeing stuff about how she was scamming people and I realized I had given her a lot of money that I could have put towards my own medical expenses and debt or someone who actually was in desperate need.

Hi! Thanks for the ask and telling of your situation with her after you had encountered her!~

I’m sorry she was bothering you even after you had already helped; It seems like it was a common occurrence that she’d continually ask for money when someone had already given what they could. You did what you could before you found out the truth, and I hope you don’t blame yourself too much.

I’ll be sure to add everything I can when I make the post where I compile everything into one post as the one blog that did have information has since went down and most of their posts are long lost.

#kyra45 speaks #answer

[joyandeggs]

OK I REALLY HOPE THAT YOUR WRITING REQUESTS ARE OPENN

i saw ur writing with knuckle and shoot, and im fan girling so hard right now 😭😭

(tw!!) been going through a tough patch recently. if you could maybe write head canons on how they’d react if their significant other attempted suicide, i’d be forever in your debt 😔

TW: Talking about sad stuff, suic*de, intrusive and depressing thoughts

Hey! I saw this the other day, and...can I just say how thankful I am? For you checking out my writing, and for wanting to message me. Seriously, thank you so much.

I am so sorry you have been going through a tough patch lately. To be completely honest, so have I. A lot has happened to me the past year or so, and it hasn't been that great. I get too deep into my own head, overthinking everything and letting awful intrusive thoughts take me over. Depression tries to get the best of me, especially when I genuinely feel like the world would be better if I was not here. That I have no purpose in life, that my loved ones really do not love me like I do them, that nobody would ever even care about me. All of that is not true. It is not true for you, and it is not true for anyone reading this who needs to hear reassurance right now. Absolutely not. I have been doing much better than what I was for a long time now, despite the new year personally getting to me. Life for me right now is just...unfullfilling, conflicting, and stressful. Hopefully, I will get through my own rough patch. It just takes time. In the meantime, I have been sticking to making my own happiness, taking it one day at a time, and trying to stay positive. It is what it is.

I will keep you in my thoughts. ❤️‍🩹

You Are Not Alone

Knuckle

Knuckle has had his fair share of his own awful thoughts. With his unspoken past, what all he has been through growing up and making his way to become a highly ranked Beast Hunter, he has come a long way to get to where he is now.

Seeing you attempt anything leaves him wide eyed, panicking over your safety. Heartbroken, shaky, holding onto for dear life. At first, he doesn't know what to do or say, other than think of how could you possibly want to do something like that to yourself?! You are too good, too special and too important to him and to others-- But of course, he doesn't say that. He knows you, but he doesn't know what all you're going through. The best thing that he can do for you right now is, if you are comfortable with it, hold you to his chest and quietly reassure you with calming words that he can manage at the time.

"_____... Please know that I am always here for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, someone to sit with when your thoughts get to be too much, tell me. I don't care if it's the middle of the night or I'm in the middle of a mission, I will answer the phone if you call! ...You probably want me to shut up, huh? Heh, I can do that. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. How much I love you. Alright?"

Shoot

Shoot knows of these feelings well, and it breaks his heart to hear and/or see someone else going through the same. He has been through so much throughout his life, the struggles of becoming a Hunter, losing his arm, becoming stronger physically and mentally...

The moment he sees them attempt something life threatening makes him act fast. Don't. One word, and he is holding onto you, your hand, your face, or hugging you to his body. At first, he is going to awkwardly stand there and hesitate what to do, but that's just because he wants to know what he can do for you. He doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything by doing something you wouldn't want (if you prefer a bit of distance compared to actual touch and closeness.) Shoot just wants what's best for you. That being said, he will softly talk to you in order to distract you from any further bad thoughts.

"I am so sorry you're going through all of this. I know how hard it is. Trust me. I...I struggle with the same thoughts. You're not alone, _____. We'll get through this together. If you ever need anything, I will always...always be here for you."

#tw sui talk #askbox #anon #shoot mcmahon #knuckle bine #hunter x hunter #hxh #joy

[abaharashi]

I was 27 when i first discovered Night in the Woods. I was piqued by its art style and charm. I had been needing something to jist BE with. I didnt newd achievements, i didnt need scores or mechanics. I didnt need difficulty or grandiose stories that stretch across the stars and peirce hearts unseen.

I needed a game i could sit with. Take my time and just relax, and enjoy.

Gregg was a favorite early on. Its easy to see why. Everyone should have a Gregg in their life. But i quickly grew attached to Bea. I was drawn to why she waa so...snide with Mae. And given their supposed history i felt so inclined to learn more aboit Bea. And try to reform what friendship was there before things when caput.

Im not going to talk about the rest of those adventures or stories. What i want to talk about is how i am now 3 years into my transition, and playing this game through for the 3rd time now...and its so fucking cathartic in a way.

I related to Mae alot, given how i felt when i was 20. I dont have derealisation but i do get anxiety and depression. Its been notoriously bad recently.

And in a world entering the year 2024 on calander, with so much going on all the time, everywhere. I know i can go back to Possum Springs. And just try to emjoy life and get through another day.

Its not real, but i cant get out much. Adulting will do that to you. Capitalism has made it difficult regardless of age. And those trips with Gregg to the park and having a mini knife fight. Or going to the mall with Bea and shoplifting because "cool kids stickin it to the man" or finding out why Angus doesnt talk with his family much these days.

It brings me back to a time when things did seem uncertain. When i was scared and anxious. But when i also had this bravado to see another day and put 1 foot infront of the other. Because Life.

Those days are so difficult now. You go to work and then feel like super heated glass being doused in water. And you cant stay at work. You cant. Youre akin to a mannequin at that point. You have to go home because youll end up hurting yourself somehow, intentionally or otherwise.

And this great sadness overtakes you and its joined with mania and you just...dont know how youll get through the day. Or if you even want to wake up the next day.

~~~~~~~~~

I've been listening to the NitW OST for the past.... 2-3 days now. And all the tunes are so...simple in their construction and melodies. But they hold this special place in my heart. Maes House especially. It reminds me that my house and family are not like Maes. And i wish they were. Atleast in how the game portrays them presently. I cant even go upstairs to get food unless i cover up now or dress in modest fashion because transition had made people uncomfortable around me expressibg my body in ways i nevwr could before. Not in sexual fashion but showing a bit more skin and wearing tighter clothes and such. And its an insidious uncomfortable they demonstrate. They dobt say it vocally most times to try and be respectful i guess. But i can feel those thoughts burring into me and the....velcro fuzzy distortion that builds between us.

I cant be myself and they don't want me to, because it makes them uncomfortable.

So ive been going back to Possum Springs. And talking with Gregg and reading his enthusiasm helps alot. "I have a friend whos super supportive and would punch someone out for me"

"But hes not real"

I need him to be. Ok? I need Gregg to be real. I need Possum Springs to be real. I need that feeling to be real for me again. A world where im not so...beaten by life and wanting to hope for a better day bit having to fight tooth and nail for every good day i have. Where i dont have to worry about the financial burden of debts, or the worry that this procedure will set me back an additional 20k.

I just want to feel that youthful joy and energy again.

#night in the woods #gregg rulez ok #Maebea #Possum Springs #transitioning later in life #depresso #anxienty #coordinating with friends is so difficult these days #indie games #being a girl #in a sad world

[ash-mars207]

~~MONKEYS TESTIES~~

((18+ smut))

jschlatts monkey balls statue x male reader. yeah. this was written as a joke but i spent way to much time on it so..

(dont show this to schlatt)

If you have any ideas to add or spelling corrections please comments. I genuinely can not spell for the life of me.

warnings: contains smut, gun play, cussing, mlmonkey, it’s literally monkey statue x reader. the title itself if a warning.

i did refere to jschlatt as ‘Jay’ because nicknames n shit. (it’s annoying to type out jschlatt everytime.) so if someone knows hes uncomfortable with it please tell me and ill fix it.

some backround: you and schlatt have been friends since before lunch club. like fresh out of highschool friends. you both went to college and when he was getting good money from twitch you tried it out. starting as his editor (you still do some of the editing). you both hit it off and both dropped out to make videos. so your a guest on OTKs new video with schlatt when he finally shows monkey.

Word count: 3238

((I had to turn on my auto caps for this. At least pretend to like it.))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/NS POV:

He was serious.. Schlatt was genuinely serious. When he told me he was gonna buy the monkey statue i thought he was kidding. I should have known. It is Schlatt after all.

“Hes a beaut aint he.”

“Schlatt what the hell. Your in debt and this is what you buy??”

“Eh. If harvard really wanted my money they would have sued me by now.”

“Thats not a good thing-“

“Anyways! We have a video to record so say your goodbyes to dick dong.”

“You fucking named it??”

As Schlatt walks out and to the office you take one last look at the ape. He looks like hes looking at you. And for some weird reason your just attracted to those big carved bronze eyes.

“Uh.. Bye monkey..”

The video was going pretty good. We had a bunch of fun little bits. Schlatt kept bringing up the damn monkey. The fucking monkey and his big golden balls. I wonder how nice it would feel to sit on them- YN WTF. NO. ITS A STATUE.

“Y/N!!!”

“Huh? What. What did i miss.”

“You good kid? You spaced out there. Should probably stop drinking the fireball.”

Of course i take another shot because fuck him (jokingly (we stan j man here)) and i can not let myself think these thoughts sober.

“Yeah yeah im fine.” Im not. “Just spacin out. Im good. What were we talking about?”

“Dick dong-“

“NOT THE FUCKING MONKEY- SCHLATT DONT- SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN- and hes gone.”

As im waiting for him to come back from god knows where i scroll on my phone while talking to camera man, whos name i forgot but feel to bad to ask, about what ever. And of course we both stop as we hear wheels rolling towards the room- he has the monkey..

“GUYS I GOT KING DICK DONG.”

Please let this video be over soon.

*small time skip*

For the rest of the video we talk about other things, keep coming back to the monkey, the gun gets into the bit, we wrestle or some shit idk. The camera man name is apparently Jermey had to go out and fix one of the cameras battery or something. But every once in a while i keep looking at that damned monkey.. I mean look at it. Its nice craft mens ship (i cant spell). As an artist myself, its nice. The bronze is so detailed and the gold is so. So shiny. Its nice to look at. Does Schlatt polish them? I would. They look soft.

“Y/n. Dude you sure your alright?”

“OH! Yeah im fine. Just a bit out of it. Ill be fine.”

“Hm.. Im gonna go get you some meds alright? Just stay here.”

Great. What i need right now is to be left alone in an office that i dont know.. whatever.

As im playing on my phone i hear metal moving around. And.. is that pink smoke??? What the hell did jschlatt put in that liquor.

“I see you looking at me. I know you want me yn.”

As i turn to look at where the voice is coming from schlatt walks in with the meds.

“This should hold you over for a while. God you got even whiter/paler while i was out. What did the pope come to life or something??”

“Uh.. no. No im good. Just a headache.” I have to force myself to look at schlatt and to stop looking around. What the hells gotten into me.

“Then lets get this shit over with.”

While recording the rest of the video i cant help but feel a pair of eyes on me the whole time. I try to ignore it while we finish the video. Once we finished we just chilled for a bit and talked about new video ideas and when we should hang out, with out the cameras. You know. Bro shit.

“Well i gotta get back to Jambo. Probably eatting more fucking magnets. Little shits gonna run me broke.” As schlatt stands up and walks towards the door he stops and turns to look at me. “You comin with?”

“In a bit. Im gonna start working on editing. I’ll meat you back at the house for dinner.”

“Alright. Don’t stay to long.”

As he walks out i turn to work on the computer. Putting my earbuds in i keep one out just in case. After about an hour or two i hear some type if metal being thrown around behind me an.. whos there.

THIRD PERSON POV:

While y/n was focusing on the computer, music blasting threw his earbuds, something was almost transforming behind him. He didnt notice it until he heard a bang coming from behind him. Being startled, he takes his earbuds out and turn to see a shadow of a freakishly large man in a cloud of pink smoke.

“Whos there!”

Y/n screams while jumping up for his own gun schlatt made him get for the bits. Aiming for the huge shadow.

“I see the way you look at me y/n. Thinking those dirty thought.”

The man speaks in a deep rock n roll voice. ‘Theres no way thats Jay. His voice isnt that deep.. Nor is he that. Big. Is this thing even human??’ Y/n asks himself while squinting to see the black figure.

“Who the fuck are you.”

“Wow. You really dont recognize me? You would thing you would know me after the hours of looking at me.”

‘What in the hell.’ As y/n cocks the gun the mysterious man leaps over the couch like nothing. Pushing the hand with the gun up, setting off a bullet in the process. Leaning in and kissing y/n.

Slowly yn loosens there grip on the gun while Dicky slides his hand up his wrist to take the gun out of the humans hand.

The shorter male pulls away to look at the taller male. (And i mean tall. Mans like 7 something. Your up to his chest and your like 6’3 cause i said so)

“Who.. who are you.”

While trying to connect the dots he spots the empty table that Schlatt rolled Dicky in on. Glancing down he sees that the balls do in fact glow a nice golden color. Dicky slowly smirking while watching yn connect the dots. Laughing a bit watching as the small man infront of him looks back up with his eyes widened.

“Dicky. How did you-“

“Dont worry about it. Just live those nasty fantasies of yours.”

Without skipping a second yn does what hes told and smashing his lips woth Dickys. Of course yn thought about how fucked this is. I mean its a monkey statue but. Human? Ish. He still has his tail and ears but damn.

As yns hands travel to lay on his soft, hairy chest Dickys hand grip his small hips tightly, leaving the other with the gun resting on his hip bone, making yn moan. Dicky takes this opportunity to shove his tongue into yns mouth. Exploring every single bit.

The bigger male pulled away letting them both breath, rubbing yns hips with his thumb.

“Fuck- you taste so fucking good darling.”

As Dicky murmured into yns ear, he starts kissing down his neck onto his collarbone. Yn started unraveling at the feeling, moving his hands up into Dickys hair. Slightly pulling every time he hit a sweet spot. Yn whimpers as the brunette pulled away to look into yns e/c eyes. “So beautiful.”

The beast reaches his hand to place on yns gentel skin. Yn leaning into the touch. Knowing how wrong this must be, yn cant help but feel so. Safe.

*click* “Now get on your knees for me darling.”

“What?”

Yn can feel the tip of the guns barrel press against his temple. And even though he should feel frightened, he still feels just as safe as he did before.

“Yes sir~”

Yn slowly gets on his knees while sliding his hands down Dicky causing him to grunt. Once yn is on his knees he looks up into the eyes of a lust struck mad man. Knowing what he needs to do next he waits for Dicky to demand it.

“Cmon sweetheart. You know what to do.”

“Do I?” Yn asks, trying to get his monkey lover riled up.

He grabs yns hair, pushing the gun into his temple even more. “Don't play with me brat.”

Yn knew he was in for it now. Slowly opening his mouth, he cups his hand on Dickys smooth glowing gold balls. Starting to message them while licking his tip. Dicky, with little to no patience, pushes his huge dick into yns mouth with a moan. Holding him there just for a moment before he lets go and let's yn take over. Almost.

Dicky still has the gun placed by his side facing the h/c man at his waist. Other hand sat on top of his head in case yn needed any more assistance. Slightly trusting into yns deep throat every now and then.

“God that feels perfect.”

Throwing his head back Dicky let out a moan. Yn started playing with his balls once again, speeding up. Before he could send Dicky over the edge, Dicky gripped his h/c pulling him off with a soft pop.

“Stand.” He demands. Yn listened of course.

Dicky starts kissing him once more with much more pasion while moving them over to the couch. Ripping off yns shirt, pushing him onto the couch only breaking contact for a moment. He reaches down to undo yns belt, button, and zipper. Palming him with only the cloth of his boxers in the way. “Ff- oh shit-“ yn became a moaning mess, Dicky moving to his chest/neck area. Playing with yns nipples, he rips off his pants leaving him in just his boxers. Looking back up to yn for consent to continue, yn nods, feeling his dick only get harder by the second.

“Shit- what if someone comes in-“

Before yn can voice his worries Dicky genuinely shoves the guns barrel into his mouth to keep him quiet.

“Then I guess you'll just have to be quiet.”

Dicky slowly inserting his finger into yn to prepare him, making let out small muffled moans. Seeing how easy the first finger slipped in, he added the second rather quickly.

Yn was falling apart underneath the bigger man. Nothing but clouds filled his mind untill he felt Dickys fingers being removed from him core, whining as he now felt empty.

“Quiet. Don't want anyone to hear you now do we.”

Yn nods as Dicky pounds his dick into yns entrance causing yn to let out a scream. Holding in that position to let yn adjust, he starts leaving little kisses over his neck. Removing the gun from yns mouth just to replace it with his lips. They stay there passionately kissing one another until Dicky starts moving his hips ever so slightly.

“Mmh.” Yn moans into the kiss throwing his arms around the bronze colored man, slightly digging his nails into his shoulders.

“Faster. Please.” He whispers into the kiss. Dicky pulls away to look into his e/c eyes.

“Wanna say that again darlin?”

“please dicky. Please just fuck me.”

As if on cue, Dicky starts slamming into his smaller lover. Yn starts almost screaming, clawing down Dickys large back, holding back screams as much as he can.

“FUCK RIGHT THERE!”

He howls right when Dicky finds his prostate. Abusing it to its fullest.

“Im- m close.” Yn manages to get out between moans. He lets go of Dicky with one arm to cover his mouth in an attempt to muffle his orgasm. Dicky, who already placed the gun to the side, grabs yns thin/thick wrists and holds them both above his head.

“I wanna hear those beautiful sounds baby.”

After a few more thrusts yn lets loose and cums over both his and Dickys chiseled stomach. Dicky continues chasing his own orgasm. Releasing inside of yn.

They both sit there catching there breaths before Dicky pulls away to look at his work,

“What a work of art.”

Yn chuckles, “Says you.”

As yn starts to get up to clean up the monkey man grabs his hips, placing him on his lap.

“Where not done here beautiful.”

“Dicky, I need to get home. Schlatts gonna start to worry.”

“He can wait. He's had you all day. It's my turn to play with you.” Dicky nibbles on yns neck once more. Yn places his hands on Dickys broad shoulders. Leaning his head back, letting out a soft moan. “One more round. Then I gotta go.” He kisses Dickys temple.

“That's my boy~”

Dicky grabs at yns hips and slowly lines his entrance to his tip. Kissing his neck.

“Mh- no. No its my turn to control.” “Is that so?” Dicky, calling his bluff, pushes into him even more to shut him up. “You fUck-“

Yn grabs the hairy man's hair, tugging at it. Causing Dicky to scream out of pure shock. Dicky picks the gun back up, pointing it at yns temple.

“Wanna try that shit again?” He growls out, trying to gain his dominance back.

“I fuckin dare you.” Yn states, gripping tighter to his curly locks. He starts lifting himself off Dickys dick just to slam back down. Slowly thrusting and grinding on his dick.

“God that feels so good-“ Dicky whines out gripping the guns handle and yns thigh for support. Yn wraps his free arm around the beasts shoulder, hiding his face into the crook of his neck. With his other hand he slides it up into Dickys hair even more. Tugging everytime he hit the perfect spot. Dicky, chasing an orgams, starts bucking into yn abusing his prostate.

“Damn it- fuck right there~” yn lets out quite moans into Dickys ear driving him other the edge.

“Just like that baby~ dont change a thing. Fuck im close~” Dicky announces. Yn only being able to let out moans and soft screams. His head full of lust and maybe even love.

Dicky once again throws the gun to the side. Tosing his arms around yn holding him close, almost bruising his ribs. His thrusting picks up. Yn lets go off the bigger males hair and thrown his other arm around his neck, digging his nails into his shoulders. With just a few more aggressive thrusts they both release almost at the same time.

Dicky softens his hold on yn to let his ride out his high. Slowly coming to a stop with. They both look into eachothers eyes. Sharing a quick but pasonint kiss. Yn melts into his chest, both hands sliding down to his cum covers abdomen.

“You doin alright there darlin?” Dicky plays with yns hair while rubbing his back. Kissing his forehead.

“M alright.. just need a moment.”

And so they sat there for a few minutes before yns phone started to ring. “Fuckin-.”

Reaching over to answer the call “hello?”

“Yn buddy! Where you at? Its been like three hours man.”

“Shit. Sorry. Ive been workin on the video.” Yn look to Dicky with a small smile while the other male has a huge grin on his face.

“Damnz better be a good bideo then. You need to get home though. Its late and youve got that recording with swagger and them in the morning.”

“Oh yeah i forgot about that one. Yeah im on my way.”

“Oh and jambo ate your papers.”

“WHAT?!”

“BYE-“ He hangs up before he can even finish his own sentence. “What was that about?” Dicky asks lookin down at a pissed yn.

“Schlatt. His dumbass cat ate my work.”

“Damn. You gonna be alright??” Dicky looking worried.

“Yeah? It's just a paper or two. If anything the cats in more trouble then I am. It's not anything important anyway . I keep those away. I do have to get home though.”

“Do you have to??”

Dicky holds yn toghter to keep him from leaving.

“Dicky. If i stay hes gonna start askin questions. And hes annoying when he does so ive gotta go. Ill be back soon dont worry.” Yn kisses Dicky before he gets off and cleans off with the jacket he brought. Getting dresses in his pants and shirt, makin his way to the door.

“Ill see you tomorrow Dicky,” blowing a kiss twoards the ape man. Waving goodbye and closing the door behind him.

Dicky sighs slowly getting off the couch to go clean up. He fixes the room back up and walks to his place of the moving cart schlatt brought him in on. Taking a glance at the pope cutoutin the corner he turned to face away from the couch earlier that day.

“Don't look at me like that.”

WITH YN:

What.. what did.. am i high? No.

Monkey man was real. That was real. I know it was. My ass still fuckin hirts from it. But how in the hell did that- i mean he was a human.! What the hell was in that wiskey..

As I walk in to the door of me and jschlatts shared house seeing jschlatt on the groups playing with jambo.

“So.. how's your head?”

“Haven't gotten any complaints yet.”

“..what.”

“Uh. Good. I'm good. Just gonna relax.”

“Alright whore. I made food so that's in the fridge when you want it.” Bullshit.

“..what did you order?”

“. Chinese..”

I walk to the fridge opening the door to see the food still in the bag. Definitely homemade. Placing it in the microwave, I head over to flop on the couch. Jschlatt crawling onto the couch next to me, Jambo following right behind.

“Wanna watch a movie??” Jschlatt asks while grabin the remote and looking through netflix.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Nah.” Hearin the microwave i go grab it and sit back down. Jschlatts got some action movie on. Hitting his hand away when he tries to grab at my food.

“Fuck off. You already had your dinner.”

“Rude ass bitch.”

As he goes to grab a snack I can't help but to think back to Dicky and what we did. What the fuck am i going to do.

I wanna sincerely apologize- if you’ve read this far then uh.. theres a book two in process. And im sorry for your mental health. And just because i thought yall should know, i wrote moth of this in class so your welcome.

#jschlatt #schlatt #monkey ball #dsmp #funny stuff #king kong #for the bit #sleep deprived #jokes #its a joke #gay mlm #mlm post #gay men #minecraft #twitch #youtube #gun play #furry pecs #lgbt pride

[weebsinstash]

Ignore me, but I'm Proud of you Weeb. It took a lot but you did it. I know it's easy to feel negative about the situation, but **please be kind to yourself** and remember you saw the warnings, didn't ignore them, and removed yourself from the situation that was making you uncomfortable. And that's a good thing. You did right by you, I hope that makes you proud too.

Now that the situation has passed and I look at it in hindsight, I knew something was fishy the entire time but was essentially bullying myself into continuing the interaction out if some misplaced uncalled for guilt. Like jesus st one point he said something like "I also enjoy video games" and i was like???? Not many "24 year olds from Florida" speak like that, ya know. I bounce back and forth between being midwestern/southern to being more formal and eloquent but like I at least? Don't structure my sentences like a fucking robot?

The entire time I was thinking "theres no way you actually want a relationship when you're telling me literally nothing about you like the literal most you're after must be nudes or something". and did you notice when I typed that paragraph at him about being sus he only answered the two specific things I had used as an example of basic details he wasnt sharing about himself, and he then offered nothing more, and even changed the subject to how I was typing a lot?

and even after he made that comment here I fucking am "explain to him why that's weird. Maybe he literally doesn't understand" so I think I quite literally said things along the lines of "if im typing a lot its because I am confused by what you want or are trying to do here" and just. Like im speaking to a fucking gradeschooler.

Like here's how I would like idk "in his shoes" kind of advertise myself to someone, or at least open up the conversation: "hi! I noticed we had a lot in common so I wanted to say hello and maybe get to know you a little better! :)" His opening line to me was literally "Hello.. What's good?" two periods bad grammar and everything. His speech read as very "English as a second language" to me which I only bring up because, YEAH HE WAS DEFINITELY CASING ME LIKE A SCAMMER, asking me my hours, my wage, trying to calculate my income!

Oh mother fucker! Him saying he's unemployed may also be part of the scam! "Oh im unemployed please tell me about your job and your wages because I'm looking around" LIKE THAT'S WHAT I ASSUMED? I really am too fucking kind sometimes. He was trying to figure out my income and my potential as a cash cow. Dude I work in fucking retail, you think I have money to send you?

But that's how these sorts of people get you, isn't it? They find out you're vulnerable or lonely or kind or all of the above and they make you attached to them and then suddenly "oh my god im in horrible debt and idk what to do please help me 🥺" or "oh no I had a horrible accident can you please send me money to help while I recover". It's not always so outright as simply asking to borrow money

Anyways. God. I guess it shows I'm always trying to be empathetic, if not to my own detriment. I've just been struggling so much for so long that I try to be nice when I can. People don't deserve to be miserable. Unless you're an asshole. Then you're on my list.

[goldenboygate]

also while i'm ranting i'm just going to say it. as someone who was (unfortunately) born in a conservative state in the united states and doesn't really have a way out financially at the moment, this man's glamorization of conservative states (Texas, Montana) and his fans' subsequent romanticization of them makes me so fucking uncomfortable. his manager is bitching about him being dealt a bad hand in life because he got fired for underperforming? i'm in my 20s, have a chronic illness that I'll likely be dealing with for the rest of my life, and already have more than tens of thousands of combined student loan and medical debt to pay off. i have to go to work even when i feel like shit due to said chronic illness because my lackluster health insurance is directly connected to my employment. cry me a river, but i don't care about a multimillionaire's "bad hand." while his stans are out here talking about how he could [redact] them in the woods while the horse watches or some shit, people in many of these states can't even access abortion without traveling, sometimes numerous states over. my own state has a strict abortion ban; as someone with endometriosis and an unpredictable cycle, i likely wouldn't even know i was pregnant until it was too late to even have a choice in if i wanted to pursue abortion or not. he's out here decking himself in stars and stripes, meanwhile i'm fucking relieved if we can make it 3 weeks without some school or workplace mass shooting hitting the news because this country cares more about "the second amendment" than people's right to safely pursue education, or even safely go to grocery stores, malls, or movie theaters. he has the finances to go anywhere in the world for vacation, and he picked fucking montana during a time in which one of the main current events was whether Roe v Wade would be overturned and how that would directly impact people in those states? hell, he has his own home GP that he did nothing this special or that significant for, but he can go through the effort of getting approval to bring a horse and coordinating a whole outfit to go with the whole thing for the US GP? i know caring about other people and educating himself on what they're going through "kills his fun vibes" or whatever, but just 1 google search before he does these cringy antics. that's all i'm asking.

babe you can rant in my inbox any time you want, please i am here to listen. and i have to agree with everything you just said and not just in regard to dr3. we've got people writing 5k posts and protesting f1 racing in middle eastern countries while we got shit like you just described happening in the usa but hey, apparently we get fun cowboy texas vibes so women's and poc's rights do not matter because lol horse in the paddock, stetsons and ridiculous texan accents.

#anti ricciardo #anti us gp

[palaceofpassion]

(Human MLP AU) Rarity needs help in her job so she asks Twilight to help her. However she unfortunately is busy so she sends Spike to help. Things are akward after what happened at the truth or dare. However he shows that he can be very helpful and is someone who makes sure to give it his all even if that isn't enough. Could even see Rarity deciding to reward Spike for the assistance. However Spike doesn't need it since he just wanted to help someone in need and wasn't looking for payment. Whether she still takes him out shopping for some clothes for him or not that depends on you.

"Spike Darling, I must say! You are quite proficient at this!"

Rarity was initially hesitant when Spike showed up, saying that he was taking Twilight's place to help her with her overdue work. Not only did she still have that nagging feeling in the back of her head, she wasn't sure she could trust him with more delicate tasks, or to do the simple moving of items that could break.

But as it would have it, he was a far more efficient worker than any of her friends, or her own sister! He worked with such speed, that not only was she already done, but she'd even managed to finish quite a bit of extra work on the side as well. The most interesting part?

The tingling feeling hadn't been there at all while they'd been working. Mayhaps keeping him busy was the answer? Though that would only solve the issue on a small basis. Regardless, she felt she owed him, and as remise as she was to spend too much time in his company. 'That was a rather rude thought...' She did think he deserved something.

"Spike."

His head swiveled slightly, "Yes Rarity?"

"It would seem I am once again in your debt. It would do me no well to not repay you."

He gave her the strangest of looks, as if she was speaking another language all together! "Rarity, I'm not doing this for payment, you don't owe me anything. I just like helping people." 'It makes me feel like I have some use.' "So it's alright, and... and I'm not dumb. I know that everyone's uncomfortable with me. So yeah, it's alright."

When he smiled she felt a warm fuzzy feeling in her belly, but that was quickly overshadowed by a sense of remorse. "Spike, dar...darling, I'm sure that no one means any harm." She didn't, evne if she felt bad about it now... but... she couldn't really argue with the fact that she had been actively avoiding him.

"I know... I know, I don't blame anyone. It's just the way it is." He took a breath as he placed down one last piece of material, "It's alright. I appreciate it. If you want to help though, help Twilight get out more. She needs to spend less time studying. Anyways, I'm going to head out now, take care."

She was left speechless as the young man simply waltzed out. Usually... people wanted things from rarity, and those were usually things. She'd seen the way he'd looked at her during the dance, as hard as it was. So... it was oddly surprising. 'Quite the gentleman... though I do wonder what's wrong.' She wanted to get to the bottom of this now. No one should be that lonely.

#h!spike #h!rarity #mlphumanau

[cazort]

Now and then I see posts on Tumblr or other social media from people who are struggling to make rent or pay other basic, essential living expenses, asking for donations. Often the posts are being reblogged or shared by people I follow.

I feel ambivalent about these posts, and I feel this way even if I assume that the people are being 100% honest and not lying about their financial trouble or otherwise scamming people. And I often feel very uncomfortable with the way people talk about and circulate these posts.

I always care about the people in the posts, and want to help.

But I have this fear that the people are not actually making good decisions in the long-run, and that if I and others keep giving them cash, it's gonna encourage them to say in a bad situation that is draining their money, and that the money being sent to them isn't actually helping anything and is just reinforcing systems of exploitation. Some evidence I see for this is that a lot of people who ask for money in this way will do it repeatedly. I've seen some blogs where it's like, an old, established blog, but the person will post something like that every month over a period of several months, and it's like, is this a good thing that people keep giving you money? This is clearly not a one-time crisis, but rather, an ongoing situation that has become chronic.

And I start to ask questions:

If someone is renting from a bad, exploitative landlord, am I just funneling money into the hands of that landlord? Am I enabling or rewarding exploitation?

If someone lives in a high-cost-of-living metro area, am I just pumping money into the economy of a metro area where the rich soak up all of the money?

If the person has a large amount of high-interest-rate debt like credit card debt, am I just paying money to service their debt, basically giving my money to a bank? Or worse, to a payday loan company or other aggressive predatory lenders?

If the person has high expenditures on food and basic daily supplies because they live paycheck-to-paycheck and buy things in small unit prices, am I just paying money to become profits for exploitative businesses like dollar stores, that sell deceptively-priced items with small unit sizes to look cheaper than they actually are?

Am I really donating money to help you get by? Or has the system of exploitation just recruited you to exploit others? When I give money to you, I'm just being exploited by your landlord, your bank, and the businesses that have roped you into spending at them. They're now exploiting me, profiting from me.

And I wonder if others ask these questions. Sometimes it seems like no one else is really asking them. And I'm not talking about far-right types who just don't give a shit about the poor. I'm talking about the people who really care, the people who are reblogging these posts. People who are concerned about wealth inequality.

In these situations, if a person can't make ends meet, they need to take action in their own life. I can't solve their problems by giving them money. Maybe they need to find a place to live that is cheaper and has a better landlord. Maybe they need to move into a different city, town, or metro area with a lower cost-of-living. Maybe they need to restructure their debt, refinancing, consolidating, or negotiating it to cancel some of it. Maybe they need to get credit counseling (which is often available for free.) Maybe they need to find new stores to shop at. Maybe they need a financial cushion so that they can start buying items in larger quantities to get lower unit prices. I'm not saying every one of these options is available to all people. But I bet at least one option is available to most people, and probably two or more to many.

I love helping people and I am always more than willing to help advise people about this stuff. Also, after giving people advice about this stuff, I often become more willing to help people by either giving them money or loaning them money.

I also feel like the amount which I can help people through advice is massive. Like I'm well off but I'm not super well off. I just can't donate hundreds of dollars to every post I see, even if I knew the money would help, I just don't have that kind of money. But I've been able to give my friends advice in ways that has helped them to save and build thousands of dollars in wealth.

However I have found that an overwhelming majority of times, when I've reached out to people who ask for money, and asked if I can help them with financial advice, finding ways to improve their life and save money and build wealth, 99% of the time people aren't interested.

And like, I just can't donate to these people. And that reinforces that it would be a bad decision for me to donate to these people. I'm not really helping them, I'm just enabling them.

I'm not saying to blame the poor for being poor. But some of these people aren't even poor, they're just really bad money managers. Like I can't even count how many times I have seen people asking for amounts of money to pay rent, when the amount of rent they pay is higher than an amount I've ever paid. When I've gotten to know people well, I've realized that a huge amount of people who complain about being poor and not having enough to make ends meet, make more money than I do and some of them make more money than I ever have.

And this all makes me really uncomfortable. It's like, I want to help everyone, I care about everyone, but I refuse to subsidize people's bad habits and I especially refuse to subsidize the exploitation of others by predatory lenders, landlords, and unscrupulous businesses.

And so much of these donation posts seem to be feeding right into those systems of exploitation.

I wish people could both ask for money, and respond to those asking for money, with greater awareness of these things.

I also wish there was less emphasis on just funneling money into stuff and more emphasis in deeper, more sustainable ways of helping people. Stuff like helping people networking to find better, cheaper places to live, or better-paying jobs. I want more emphasis on financial literacy and frugality and how to shop effectively, how to manage relationships with banks and lenders, how to pay off debt, negotiate, consolidate, restructure debt. I want to see posts raising money to help people pay off high-interest-rate debt after they already carried off a clever consolidation of debt with the guidance of people like me. And I then want to come back to these people a few years later and help them open retirement accounts or save for down-payments on a home they can own.

I know this is a tough pill to swallow for some people but this is what I want and this is how I operate. This is who I am.

#wealth building #exploitation #poverty #financial literacy #money

[timeoverload]

I have spent a lot of my weekend sleeping but I keep having horribly vivid nightmares. I woke up at 5 because I had another one.

I've had to cut down on smoking a lot (against my will) since the person that was helping me with that is strung out on coke now or something and I don't feel safe going over there anymore. They have changed a lot and I can't trust someone in that state, especially when they have weapons laying around. I don't want to be around that stuff and I'm not going to put myself in a potentially dangerous position just for that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now but I will probably have to stop entirely since I don't really talk to anyone anymore. I'm pissed that I can't just go to the store and get it myself and I wish it was legal here. It's so much better than drinking all the time and I haven't really wanted to do that either. I don't handle hangovers very well anymore. It's probably good for me to take a bit of a break but I hate it and I'm grumpy. I think that has contributed to me having more nightmares and definitely isn't helping with my pain, appetite, or my mood. I thought I would be more motivated without it too but now it's worse.

I decided to get up and force myself to go to the grocery store this morning since I couldn't fall back asleep. I bought way more stuff than I normally do so hopefully I can get myself to eat more. I like going to the store really early when there aren't very many people there so I don't get overstimulated and feel like I need to rush out of there. I don't feel like I did that much but I'm worn out again. I also feel like I have a migraine coming on. I need to force myself to get more stuff done today and tomorrow. It feels like any time I make any progress, I have to start over again. I'm tired of it being that way.

I greatly appreciate my family letting me live here for free because I would probably be homeless otherwise but I really wish I had a little more room. I really like my bedroom but with all of the stuff in here it feels small and overwhelming. I really miss having my own bathroom and my washer and dryer. It is nice not having to pay rent since I was spending almost $1000 a month on that since I usually ended up having to cover most of it. I like being able to save some money and also buy myself the things I always wanted when I wasn't allowed to spend money on myself without getting in trouble. I've made quite a bit of progress with paying off my debt too.

I guess I've still been feeling a little bitter though because the person who ruined my life has gotten to live comfortably in a brand new place since I left and I have had to struggle to do everything. I'm still angry with his family for treating me like I'm a bad person and spoiling him when they witnessed how he treated me and they were fine with it but I don't think they ever liked me or understood me anyway. They could tell I was traumatized and I wanted to tell them that he hurt me but I couldn't trust them. I also couldn't sleep at night without worrying that he would do something to me while I was unconscious. He was a creep and lacked self-control. He didn't get my permission. He didn't have respect for my bodily autonomy. I remember him insulting my appearance and then later trying to say he was just joking. Apparently no one ever taught him that it's not ok to hit a woman either until I came along. I remember him responding to my panic attacks by trying to wrestle me and pin me down and I had bruises on my arms from trying to get away from him. Sadly that's not the worst thing he did to me. There is a lot of mental illness and violence in his family too. It got to the point where I had to start fighting back and I'm not that kind of person. I didn't like how he and his dad started buying lots of guns and it made me uncomfortable to know there was one in the closet when we lived in the apartment. I don't miss getting screamed at on a regular basis either and getting in trouble for doing anything. Mental illness isn't an excuse in my opinion and he refused to get on medication until after I broke up with him and tried to use that as leverage to get back together but obviously I said no. He also wrote me a 40 page love letter and forced me to sit on the couch while he read it to me after we broke up even after I begged him to stop and was crying. He also went and got tattoos on his arms that matched the color and theme of the ones I have after we broke up because he wanted to match and I thought that was weird. He was just being obsessive and wouldn't leave me alone for a while even when I would ignore him. His mom always hated me too because I "took her son away from her" when he was the one who pursued me initially and wouldn't back off until I decided to date him. It still grosses me out that his dad also tried to sexually harass me on multiple occasions when he was trashed and I was still expected to be around him despite my complaints. I want to warn his current girlfriend about him because I don't want to see anyone else get hurt but it isn't my place to do so. I'm happy he moved on. I don't miss him and I don't care that he's with someone else but I just hope he treats her better than he treated me. I know I wasn't the perfect girlfriend but I spoiled him and did everything he asked me to do and it still wasn't enough. I let him manipulate and control me for so long and I had to relearn how to make decisions for myself. I'm so happy I never have to see those people again. I would never go back. I can't say they never did anything for me but they definitely didn't treat me with respect a lot of the time. I'm really surprised that our last conversation was amicable considering what a nightmare it was trying to get out of there. Lately I have been thinking about all of the bad things that happened to me during the time I spent with him and I know I made the right decision to leave. I don't think he ever truly loved me because that's not how you treat someone you love. I'm so thankful we never had any children together despite him pressuring me to do so. I couldn't imagine trying to raise a child in that environment. It wasn't healthy at all. I spent so long questioning my reality and wondering if I was as evil as he said I was. Unfortunately those memories have been resurfacing in my nightmares and I feel like I need to talk about it because it has been bothering me. I definitely have PTSD from that situation. I'm glad that I feel safe here with my family because I never want to experience that again.

I know I will always have a home here. I know my dad has tried really hard to be patient with me and make me happy and I'm not sure where I would be without him right now. He stepped up and took care of us when my mom couldn't do it anymore while trying to work full time and take care of the house. I know that being a single parent isn't easy. He has a lot of responsibilities and things to worry about and I don't want him to be super stressed out all the time. He doesn't show it but I know he is. I'm thankful that he has helped me take care of the cats too because it has been difficult for me to do anything. I wish I could do more for him and help him more and maybe I will be in a place soon where I am able to do that because he deserves it. He hasn't had an easy life and has worked really hard and I think he needs to take a vacation soon. I definitely feel like I owe him a lot for helping me get my life back.

I just can't wait to get out of this slump because I don't think I have ever been this bad. I know I'm capable and I'm not giving up on myself. I think I am also getting stir crazy because I have been cooped up in here for a long time now. The weather has been really nice lately and I want to go outside more because my vitamin D is extremely low but I don't really like going for walks by myself because of past experiences. I really hope I can get out and do something fun this summer because I really need it. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day and try to stop thinking about bad stuff so much.

#personal #tw violence #tw abuse

[nanaj-diary]

second part of my therapy:

3. Here im gonna count everytime she left me for a guy, everytime that i thirdwheeled, everytime that i had to lie to her mom and everytime she made me feel like i didnt belong in a place or situation just because she wanted the attention of a male.

- like i understand that getting rid of your daddy issues is hard as fuck, but these situations were a pain in the ass sometimes, and she still does this nowadays, she never learned that shit made me uncomfortable.

4. following point 3, and one of the things that got em mad at her lately is when she fucked with our friend right in front on me, while being full aware that i was completely awake.

-dude, out of respect, like i know that she feels that we are in debt because i fucked my ex in her moms bed, but fuck it, ive done enough for the friendship to pay for that one time and ok, she did it once, i got mad at both of them they promised that they were never going to do that again and i said it was fine, then a week later... they did it again, the diference, this time, they did it in the same bed where i was laying, they knew i was awake and that made me feel really bad, anxious and disgusted, i cant explain why, it just felt wrong. 

-they never said sorry about that and tried to invite for another sleepover after that and i declined.

5. when she asked me to kiss her ex so she could kiss with the guy i was flirting with

-so, we were in a “party” her ex, his best friend, her and me, so the other dude started flirting with me and i felt good because i havent met someone in a while after all the madness that was going on with my ex at that time, so i flirted back and we were making steps, so, when we were about to kiss, she came and pulled me apart and told me if i could please kiss her ex so she could be with the other guy, because she was cause she fought with the boy she liked (the same dude she said i was fucking uo the relationship with) so i accepted, she dated this new dude for a week and the left him for the same boy she originally liked. 

-so i was mad, cause i liked him i could have dated him and idk have something nice for once, but she decided that nope, masculine approval was more important than how i felt or what i wanted.

-recently she denied the situation and said that never happened.

6. of course, i have to mention the fact that she was taling with my ex behind my back about my mental health and told him that i was faking my suicide attemps for attention.

- he blocked fucking everywhere and stopped answering my calls and when i told her that i felt bad because i didnt knew what ive done this time and why was he acting that way and she said that it was for the best, like she didnt knew the shit she made.

-then, whe i confronted her she said that she didnt wanted to do that and that she didnt have an intention with telling him that i was faking, and that she knows that i dont fake.

-and that hurt more, because she wasnt even able to give me a reason to cause so much pain and hate between him and me

7. everytime she defended the boys when they made me feel bad, like sometimes she would be on my side obviously, but she is always so severe when i fuck up and so chill when they do.

-like, they could made cry and she would literally say, its okay, youre sensitive.