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eats-the-stars · 3 years

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ok so i’m probably not going to word this the best, but I think I’ve finally convinced my bro-in-law-to-be (white, straight) that he can’t keep making homophobic/racist jokes around the house or out in public. and for context, he’s actually not a very racist/homophobic dude, but when he hangs out with his dude friends (a group that includes one gay dude, a bi guy, and a black guy) they all tend to throw around those kind of jokes in good humor. which is fine if they’re out laughing it up or whatever. but...not around the house, when none of those people are present to reciprocate.

and the bro-in-law-to-be has explained over and over that “my gay/black friend was the one who said this joke so it’s cool for me to tell it” but...his gay friend is not here to laugh at the joke. his black friend is not here to laugh at his joke. The only people in this house are me (white nonbinary ace or lesbian i’m still figuring it out, also autistic), my sister (white, bi), and our straight white dad who is very racist/homophobic but usually keeps it on the down low since he knows that we do not share his views and WILL debate him if he makes a nasty comment.

So our dad is usually quiet about his messed up thoughts...UNLESS someone says something to indicate “Hey, I’m racist/homophobic, just like you!” and makes it a safe space to suddenly start talking about “the Chinese virus” or “businesses should be allowed to refuse service to gays” and all this other horrible stuff, which then means that my sister and I have to go through another grueling debate with our dad about how “eugenics is bad” and “refusing to bake a cake leads to refusing to lease an apartment and it’s a slippery slope” and EVERY TIME the bro-in-law-to-be has been like “wow i didn’t know your dad thought those things” while my sister and I are like “AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN IF YOU STOPPED TELLING THESE JOKES AND ENCOURAGING HIM TO BE OPENLY RACIST/HOMOPHOBIC.”

I can’t believe we had to explain to my bro-in-law-to-be that ppl who are racist/homophobic keep an ear out for these kind of jokes in order to recognize each other. A joke is the safest way for them to test the waters. If it’s poorly received, they can just brush it off and go “oh it was just a joke, guys, it wasn’t serious, I don’t really think those things, haha.” BUT it also provides the option for ppl to laugh and go “oh yes, that’s a good joke, i’ll tell you an equally horrible joke to prove that i share your beliefs.” and BAM, they’ve identified a fellow racist/homophobe/etc. and now know that they can talk openly in front of this person, or look to them for support if an argument breaks out. And then suddenly the space you’re in has the potential to become very ugly very fast if the majority of people signal that they’re comfortable with this, and then, if you’re a person who doesn’t agree, you have to either step up and try to shut that shit down and potentially put yourself at risk (which can range from actual physical risk to the emotional/mental damage that comes with listening to someone say terrible things about a group you belong to).

And my bro-in-law-to-be has the luxury of not belonging to any of these groups. Which means that if he makes a stupid joke at the wrong time that lights the racist/homophobic/ableist fire in the room, he’s not at risk of getting burnt. At most he’s going to be uncomfortable or feel like “wow that’s horrible” but he won’t actually be at RISK in the same way my sister and I will be. The way anyone else in that room who’s black or gay or autistic will be once he starts that ball rolling.

And right now we’re trying to focus on him not starting those fires inside our house, around our dad. Because my sister and I have tried very hard over the years to try to talk our dad out of a lot of his shitty mindsets and it’s slow progress, but we’ve managed to convince him of small things over time. he’s a lot less ableist and sexist, for example. Those were easier to work on because he has three daughters (us) and we milked that angle hard, and because I’m autistic, which we also milked hard since i was able to convince him to look at me as having expertise about disabilities that made him value my opinion. We’ve also made strides on the homophobia front, too. If I ever figure out that i like girls (still working on that) and actually date a girl, I think he would be uncomfortable at first, but he wouldn’t reject me as his daughter or anything. likewise, if my sister (bi) broke up w/her boyfriend and started dating a girl, he would probably accept that. We know this mostly because our dad apparently thought that our youngest sis (the irony is she’s the only straight one) was dating her bff in high school and was cool with it. Might have a harder time if, like, his grandson turned out to be gay (he’s more accepting of lesbians/wlw??), but we’re working on it, and we got him to accept using our trans friend’s chosen name and pronouns instead of his deadname, which took time (i’m still not out to him as nonbinary, tho. my sister and online peeps are the only ppl who know right now). So we’ve made progress!

But THEN my bro-in-law has to throw dad a bone with these lame jokes that are uncomfortable to hear coming out of his mouth in the first place (why is it always a cis straight white guy who thinks he can tell any kind of joke as long as he “doesn’t mean it”?) and so this has brought back a lot of those old beliefs in our dad that we’ve been trying to smother. These last few years under Trump have already set him back, ngl, but bro-in-law-to-be was not helping.

it’s also so hard to try fighting racism in our dad, partly because our area is so white and most of our POC friends don’t live here anymore (so far our best success is directly exposing him to a person belonging to the group he hates, and slowly letting him see that they’re human. he’s so non-confrontational that he’s not going to say anything in front of the person, either, and we supervise the whole time, and inform our friend beforehand–our trans friend volunteered to help us previously). and you can’t just say “black lives matter because they’re human beings with intrinsic value equal to a white life” because...he’s racist. he’ll debate you all day or say “ok ok” and let the subject drop w/out changing his mind. you literally have to force him to regularly have positive reactions w/a real life person to change him. god...it’s like training a dog or exposure therapy or something but it’s the best we’ve got. it’s not like there’s a school where u can send ur racist parents to learn human decency.

and it’s hard because he’s our dad and we love him and it’s hard to look at someone you love and know that he believes that straight white abled lives have more intrinsic value than anyone else...just because. i hate that we live in a society where so many ppl hate each other for these things. and it’s just...up to everyone else in their lives to decide to do anything about it. and even then, it’s so hard. and our dad is just one person, and we’ve had years and the benefit of him loving us enough to listen. i can’t imagine trying to reform a stranger, or tons of ppl all at once...

#2020 #personal #racism #homophobia #it's one thing to hang out w/a bunch of LGBT+ pals and joke around #or to make jokes w/in your marginalized group #like here on tumblr it's generally fine to do that #i can make 'random thing' gave me autism jokes #or joke and say that i'm getting extra vaccines to level up to super saiyan autism #but i would never make those jokes around my conservative aunts #because i know that they genuinely believe that vaccines cause autism #and they would turn my joke into a debate #or literally not gonna lie ask me if i think 'random thing' really did give me autism #ah...but even then it's not the same as my bro-in-law because i AM autistic...#he's making gay jokes even tho he's straight #and like yeah ok w/ur friends who know ur not serious that's fine #but if you're in a room full of strangers and you make a joke like that #you're suddenly opening up a chance for the new topic of discussion to be something like #'should businesses be able to refuse service to gay people?' or 'should autistic ppl be allowed to reproduce?'#and BAM suddenly that space is very hostile for any gay/autistic/etc ppl #while bro-in-law will remain safe because he's not any of those things #which means his silly jokes are really hard for me to find funny at any time actually #because some ppl LITERALLY THINK THOSE THINGS #about ME PERSONALLY #i have to take these things seriously because they can affect my life #and i think it's kind of wild that it's the straight white dude who feels comfortable enough to throw these kind of #unfunny jokes around. like i get it he can just laugh and walk away but uh not everybody can do that #and there's a difference between cracking a gay joke on your liberal college campus #and cracking the same joke at your conservative family reunion #like just...don't do it please

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ibuproffie · 5 years

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snr szn ~ advice for high school seniors

it’s not gonna be perfect, and that’s ok. high school movies tell us that senior year is this amazing time in your life where you have all these formative experiences that shape the course of your destiny or something, but in my experience this is not really the case. my senior year was somehow both excruciatingly slow and very fast, and it had ups and downs just like any other school year. so if your senior year isn’t a wonderful collection of instagrammable moments, don’t worry. everyone else is finding “senior season” a little underwhelming too, even the people who seem to be having the most fun. quite frankly, you shouldn’t want your senior year of high school to be the best year of your life.

college apps are important, but you don’t have to kill yourself over them. i know, i can say this because i just finished them, but it’s so true. applying to college is a horrible, tedious process that i’m going to attempt to break down in another masterpost. i went to a high school where people were fucking obsessed with getting into college, and it was sort of horrifying to watch people self-destruct over the process. even i (and i consider myself a fairly private, non-competitive, even-keeled person) went a little nuts towards the end. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, there is no reason on god’s green earth to apply to twenty or more schools. it’s expensive (most application fees are 60+ USD), time-consuming, and stressful. the only reason i can even see why you might be doing this is if you qualify for a bunch of application fee waivers, but even then, it’s just stupid. most colleges make you write secondary essays in addition to the common or coalition app essay, and that doesn’t even factor in scholarship applications, interview prep, and keeping up with school on top of everything. the best thing you can do for yourself is pick around ten-ish schools that you’re actually serious about attending and skip the hassle. you will get into at least one college if you apply smart. trust me. the people i know who went ham with applications were miserable all the time (even the smartest ones) and most of them didn’t even get into their top choice schools. when you’re churning out 3+ essays every month, it follows that they’re not all gonna be winners. additionally, know that life will go on even if you don’t get into harvard. relax. you have an entire life ahead of you. even if it doesn’t work out exactly how you planned, good things take time, ya feel?

you’re still valid even if you don’t participate in every “senior activity” possible. “but it’s your last pep rally!!” “you HAVE to go to prom!!” “let’s go to every football game this season!!” no. just no. you’re really not gonna remember a lot of this stuff. if large crowds of ppl aren’t your thing, if you’re stressed or tired, if you don’t have the money (a lot of these “senior only” activities are EXPENSIVE expensive or at least they were at my school), or if you just have no interest in homecoming or whatever, IT’S FINE. you don’t have to justify this stuff to other people. i let ppl guilt trip me into doing a bunch of shit for our “last high school memories” or whatever and uhhh i didn’t always have a good time. for one thing, i’ve never had a shit ton of school spirit or whatever and two, being around crowds of ppl is pretty draining for me. the only “senior activity” i actually enjoyed was prom, but i knew ppl who skipped out on that and ya know what? i think they were ok. i never bought a yearbook. it’s fine. you should shape your senior year around what’s mentally/financially safe for you + and what you’re actually interested in, not what people expect you to do.

you don’t really have to do extracurricular activities this year, so don’t do anything you’re not truly passionate about. i stopped doing a lot of stuff like model un and science olympiad this year because i just wasn’t interested in them anymore. and i don’t regret it. to be blunt, you already have the lines on your resume filled by those activities if you’ve done them for a long time. so if you’re not feelin’ it, don’t waste your time. just do the things you wanna do. i did a lot of theater stuff last year and had a great time. it was super rewarding and i had a pretty good time with my castmates, and i was glad i had done that instead of more “academic” activities like scioly.

it’s ok to be unsure about your plans for the future. for some reason, this is the year, every adult in your life is gonna be like, “wHaT’s Ur MaJoR???” and “wHaT jOb Do YoU wAnNa HaVe wHeN u GrOw uP??” as a result, you can start to feel a lot of pressure around having an answer prepared, and if you are on the fence about what you wanna do with your life, you can feel like other ppl have their shit together a lot more and that you’re aimless and stupid. trust me, you’re not, though. i personally think it’s unfair that we expect 18 y/os, who in many ways are still kids, to have their whole life planned out. a lot is still liable to change even after high school, and I think you’ll be remiss if you don’t allow your dreams and ambitions to change with it. if you’re truly unsure about your plans but you know you’re going to college, i’d recommend making sure none of the places you’re applying to are going to lock you down in a major when you set foot on campus. i have friends who are going to large universities who have already basically declared a major, which to me seems like an odd system. if 4-yr college isn’t in the cards for you for whatever reason, try taking a year off, getting a job, or community college. a lot of ppl i know look down on ccs, but to my knowledge, community college can be a great start to figuring out what you wanna do with your life. you have time. don’t rush it.

getting sick of your school friends is normal. it sounds mean, but in my experience, it’s true. i mean you’ve gone to school with these people for 4 or more years now, and you’ve changed a lot. and that doesn’t mean you don’t like them and wish them well, but there can be days where you’re like “omg pls stop talking to me rn!!” especially in that lull after application season. don’t be mean to anyone ofc, but realize that feeling exasperated with your peers is just part of the process, and you’re not a bad person for wanting a little bit of space. in my experience, unless the issue is w regards to toxicity or people being generally shitty, ppl will be able to connect w each other much more normally after school is over.

you will get senioritis to some degree, but you have to push through it. it must be great to be one of those people who literally never stops working. but for the vast majority of us, some kind of senioritis will slap us in the ass after applications are done. you will have no motivation to do coursework but! remember that coursework needs to be completed! to be completely honest, once you’ve been accepted to college, you really only need to maintain a C average to not get rescinded, and i knew plenty of people who screwed around more than i did and they didn’t get their admission rescinded. but like, you don’t want to be one of those people who somehow fails a class because you don’t “feel like” doing the homework. you need to graduate, you need to hold onto your scholarship, and you need to maintain your accepted status. quite honestly, you need to kick ur own ass and make yourself work, whether that’s by turning down invites to hang out, or putting your phone in a different room. also, don’t be that person who’s playing iphone games in every class. your teachers will think you’re an asshole, and that’s really not the move.

you don’t have to take everyone’s advice. this is the year everyone wants to be an expert on adulting, whether that’s your peers or parents’ colleagues or school counselors. in the end, your are the only one who can decide what’s right for you based on your financial situation and what you are comfortable with. i’m not saying “don’t take anyone’s advice”, because i truly believe there are some people out there who have the means to help you succeed. but i think you should pick and choose because you’re about to be fed a deluge of information that may or may not be useful or relevant to what you want to do. for example, people told me that i was limiting myself by not applying to any ivy league schools or very many competitive universities, or that i should lie about my race on my application (!!) because of the bias against ppl of asian descent in college admissions (note: i actually wrote about my heritage in my common app essay so it wasn’t like it was some secret lmao), which were uhhh not helpful. do what feels right and don’t feel the need to humor ppl who don’t have your best interests at heart.

don’t compare yourself with other ppl. it’s natural to be a little jealous of peers who snag acceptances to prestigious colleges on full-tuition scholarships or land dream jobs/gap-year programs right out of high school. it’s a bit of an ugly feeling, but i’m not gonna sit here and say i didn’t wish i was one of those people at a point. that’s disingenuous in the extreme. it’s ok to be disappointed if everything doesn’t all work out, but at a certain point you need to accept what’s happening to you and make the very damn best of it. wallowing in self-pity just because your classmates are succeeding is just stupid. also, recognize that everyone’s ability to achieve their post-hs goals is wildly different based on their own circumstances. if you are less financially able to pay for college, for example, your opportunities are more limited than someone with a six-figure college fund. it’s quite frankly naive to assume that everyone shares your experience. be happy for people who do well. be happy for people who are proud of themselves. don’t try to take other people down because you’re feeling bitter. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again-other people’s success is not your failure.

take time to do some much needed self care. senior year can be hectic, and it’s important to disengage from stressful situations. take a walk. watch a movie with your friends. take a long shower. don’t think you have to be “productive” all the time. you won’t be, and that’s ok.

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perpetualmood · 5 years

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not an anti your anti-anti post got popular so i wanted to know why u ship bkdk? i'm genuinely curious bc i;ve only seen ppl say it's abusive and i'm new to mha

first of all anon thank you for approaching me respectfully about this. there are a lot of people i know who aren’t as lucky but really, thank you for possessing the basic human decency that so many others on this fucking hellsite can’t muster.

now, first of all let me say that i’m not a “““hardcore shipper””” or anything of the sort. i just think that bakudeku/katsudeku has a pretty good dynamic with lots of potential, along with a lot of other plausible ships in the series. i don’t get into a series for its ships, and even when i ship something i won’t let it take over my experience of fandom, which is why i’m def posting less bnha and ship discourse. this’ll probably be my last post about it, ever.

now, about bakudeku.

on bkdk being abusive:

it is not.

i first want to clarify that while bakugou bullied midoriya in the past, that doesn’t fucking make it abuse. i know abusers, and i know bullies. bakugou was shitty, and i’m not excusing his actions or saying they were okay because they were fucking not. most antis get all their fuel with the line “take a swan dive from the roof” that bakugou says to midoriya in the first chapter.

did he actually mean it? did bakugou, a boy who was told all his life he would be a hero, who wanted to be a hero, say it with the intent of midoriya actually killing himself? no, he didn’t. it would go against everything a hero stood for, and being a hero was bakugou’s only aspiration in his life. unless anyone is iterating that he’s stupid (which canon proves otherwise almost constantly) he knew that when he said it, midoriya wouldn’t do it.

(and while it is important to note that horikoshi has explicitly said that he went too far with that line, as it is not how bakugou should be seen and/or characterised, i’m still treating it as canon because it is, antis don’t @ me.)

and, as midoriya makes very clear later, he has absolutely no intention of taking bakugou’s words seriously. instead, he brushes it off as ‘kacchan being a proud idiot who doesn’t think before he speaks’. however, while he did not take those words seriously, that doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt even a little. his expression when bakugou says it is hurt, but more than that, shocked. obviously, anyone with a brain can infer that it is not something midoriya is accustomed to hearing things like that from bakugou. if it had been a regular occurrence, his reaction would have been a lot more subdued as he would have heard it before and therefore expected it.

even if you look at the scene later on, bakugou does not go out of his way to target or even interact with midoriya up until their teacher brings up the fact that midoriya wants to go to ua. bakugou does not see midoriya as “his old friend” or “the kid who he grew up with”. what he sees is “a quirkless kid who can’t do anything is trying to get in his alley, the one that everyone told him was handcrafted for him”. is he right? absolutely fucking not. does he realise this? again, no. this all leads to bakugou having a��major gifted kid + inferiority complex, but i digress.

(i feel like it’s necessary to say once again that i am not condoning bakugou’s behaviour just because he didn’t really intend for midoriya to commit suicide or midoriya didn’t take it seriously, or saying that it’s okay if nothing happened.)

anyway, back on topic. later during the final exams arc, midoriya also states explicitly that he and bakugou have not talked properly to one another since they were kids. this makes it clear that bakugou did not, in fact, ceaselessly torment midoriya throughout their elementary school/junior high years. they just didn’t interact, plain and simple. the experience shown on the playground when they were four and the one after school on this day were likely two of very few, perhaps ten at most, incidents in which bakugou and midoriya’s difference in power and therefore status was made clear to show what it means to be quirkless in this society.

(i’d like to talk about how fucking messed up this society is, but that’s a whole other can of worms.)

bakugou has been a bully to midoriya. has he been abusive? absolutely fucking not. do i think their relationship is repairable? yes. i’ve been bullied before. i know what it’s like when you can reconcile with your bully and when you can’t. this is very clearly something that can be salvaged.

on their canon relationship:

do i think of bakudeku as a “he pulled your pigtails because he likes you” situation? am i infatuated with the ever-popular childhood friend trope? not a chance, and dismissing any shipper’s evaluation of their relationship to that is fucking low.

let’s start with their relationship at the beginning. bakugou harbours obvious animosity towards midoriya, and the only reason appears to be that it was because he was quirkless. (again, fuck quirk society) bakugou had always been told he was superior, and midoriya had always been told that he was nothing without a quirk. when you’re a young and impressionable child, having these things said to you a lot will make you believe it. in a sense, it’s akin to brainwashing. bakugou was made to believe that midoriya was worthless in comparison to him, a natural-born hero, and midoriya was made to believe that bakugou was amazing and undefeatable.

there were a lot of ways it could have turned out, honestly. midoriya could have become someone bakugou saw as someone needing protecting, and as cliched as their relationship would have been were that the case, it would have been the only ““functional”” one they could have had. hence the dysfunction, because midoriya is not someone who can sit back and take hits. he wants to be a hero, which is half the reason he admired bakugou in the first place.

so in the beginning of canon when midoriya’s desire to go to ua to be a hero is made known, bakugou, as i said before, feels as though his space has been invaded. he’s marked his territory, and all of a sudden this quirkless nobody i used to know wants to take it from me. of course, his way of thinking is wrong, but he’s never been corrected properly (sorry mitsuki, i love you but you’re not good at parenting, and masaru, please do something about your emotionally constipated son).

bakugou’s reaction to midoriya saying he “just wants to try” makes it look like it was just a trivial matter for midoriya, as opposed to bakugou, who has been working towards wanting to become a hero since he was small (as opposed to midoriya who wanted to as well, yes, but never did anything being analysing the heroes for fun). he feels as though midoriya is going through it with a ‘meh’ attitude, which deeply offended by the sentiment and takes it personally.

so bakugou obviously hates it. he hates feeling like someone that was, in his words, “a pebble in [his] path” could possibly even fathom overtaking him, when they were compared all the time.

additionally, midoriya has been a part of bakugou’s ego fodder. he followed him around, praised him like the rest, yes, but it’s very important to note that even though midoriya showered bakugou with praise he still talked to him as though he would someday be on that same level, even as a kid.

they were kids. they were dumb. but you know what? they grew.

bakugou especially has gone through so much development, even comparing him to the piece of shit he was in chapter 1 is a huge insult to bakugou, to horikoshi, and to midoriya, who has played an enormous part in it, especially after the sludge villain when it is very explicitly stated that bakugou didn’t even interact with midoriya until

in the beginning of their first year at ua, bakugou learned for the first time what it meant to have people who were equal to him, that he wasn’t as exceptional as he thought. midoriya, too learned what it meant to stand as equals, but instead of falling from a platform above, he was thrown up from the ground. and during the battle trial, bakugou tasted bitter defeat for the first time, and it shook him to the point where he had a panic attack in class (which i’m disappointed all might didn’t notice, but i digress) upon seeing midoriya get k.o.-ed but still win while he was left unscathed physically, and lost to deku of all people.

do i think their dynamic from the beginning of the year would have worked as a ship? no, abso-fucking-lutely not. bakugou feels nothing but betrayal (as in, he would obviously believe midoriya was hiding his quirk from him and lying to him their whole lives) and hatred for midoriya up until the battle trial, after which he doesn’t respect or even accept midoriya, but he acknowledges him because he beat him and then admitted half the secret to his quirk.

their relationship is an absolute shitshow for a long time and it shows, but the battle trial was a huge part in the beginning of their relationship developing. and of course, it has to – midoriya is the protagonist and bakugou is the deuteragonist, after all.

but the real turning point where bakugou comes to grudgingly accept midoriya is during their final exams before the training camp, where they went up against all might. being forced to work together and for bakugou to have to listen to midoriya really showed us depth in him we hadn’t seen before. sadly, all might was absolutely no help in their teamwork (despite that being the entire reason aizawa had paired bakugou and midoriya together) and instead made them try to focus on defeating him rather than working together, but somehow, that got the two of them to cooperate in battle.

(personally, i believe that they would have been better matched against a more strategic teacher like aizawa or nedzu as they would be forced to come up with a strategy together, and all might provided an unrealistic situation for them overall and the entire fight makes absolutely little to no use of their intelligence, something that is canonically a prevalent strength for both of them.)

but honestly, after kacchan vs deku 2, where they finally become ““proper rivals”” according to all might, where they both finally, finally talk out their issues and try to patch their shit up. @dekatsu explains it really well here and i’ve rambled for long enough about it.

now, after that fight, they’re both at a point where instead of being at each other’s throats, they’re pushing each other forward, and that’s why i like them together so much, whether platonic or romantic. which brings me to...

what i like about bkdk

aka, the thing you asked me in the first place.

do i approve of their relationship before kacchan vs deku 2? no. but after the fight, it blossoms into something absolutely brilliant. while they’re on their house arrest in the days after their fight, midoriya asks bakugou about his shoot style, and bakugou tells him exactly what he thinks and how it can be improved. and he admits, however backwardly, that he approved of it.

from literally that moment on, their communication and relationship develops so so much (not getting into the later arcs because manga spoilers) and bakugou becomes a huge part of the “one for all” secret, and every. single. time he sees midoriya use it, he encourages him in his competitive way and he does want to make sure he sees deku become a great hero, dammit.

relationships where both parties push each other to do better always seem to be the ones that work best. bakugou is constantly striving now not just to better himself, but he’s making sure that midoriya is getting better too. the more the story progresses, the closer they grow.

we’re at a point where bakugou sits in on midoriya’s meetings with all might about one for all and its technicalities and history, and is willing to train separately with midoriya because of it. they don’t have any problems with each other now -- even all might has properly acknowledged bakugou and midoriya as great friends.

it’s indisputable.

and whether you ship it or not, now if you deny that they have a bond that’s strong as fuck, you’re only making yourself look silly.

platonic or romantic, these two have chemistry and they complement each other so well that it almost hurts. i can’t wait to see them grow into a hero duo.

. . .

anyway, that’s the end of my 2k+ word long meta (which i honestly wouldn’t have been able to complete without the help of a tumblr friend who would like to stay anonymous) and i hope it answers your question and hopefully, it showed you a side of things that not only the antis are seeing. thanx, this is been my last ship discourse post.

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sanguinarius-archive · 4 years

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Hey! Could I get to know some of your headcanons about dickfigures/your designs for them? :D

ya ya sure!!!!

i already have my designs for them up if you havent seen, here they are!

as for headcanons idk how long this post will be so ill just add a read more for anyone who might not wanna scroll thru it all lol

red!!!!!

his real name is rowan bc i thought it was cute, also it means “little red one” which is eVEN BETTER

he’s nonbinary masc and bisexual! the self projection is REAL

he has adhd

most of my headcanons kinda flow into my own version of dick figures because i’m not very Satisfied with canon NJSJDNSKM so like. for example red doesn’t just kill people or whatever. he gets into fights and has scars and wears bandaids a lot bc of them

he graduated college with blue, he got a bachelor’s degree in fine arts (honestly idk how college works bc im a grade 10 baby so if thats like totally wrong just let me know also im. canadian so idk how american school system works LOL)

red got suspended a lot in high school but never expelled. mostly bc he got in fights that were mainly him protecting stacey from shitty people (he sees her as his sister so he was rlly protective) and the school wasnt really sure what else to do so they just. you know. suspended him a bunch of times hoping itd do something but it didnt

he hates his dad! reason being is bc when he was born, his dad was actually an alien able to disguise himself as human, so he wanted to take red back to his home planet cuz red turned out to be more powerful than anything his dad had ever seen. but red’s mom was like Nope, so she snuck out with him and his plush cat (kitty amazing) and they were never found. red is very close with his mom and is scared of his dad coming back someday

we know he canonically likes rlly loud music so im just gonna project here and say he’s a metalhead. at least, some form of it. he likes the alt scene music and industrial rock. examples being deftones, nine inch nails, skinny puppy, rage against the machine, kittie and others. it keeps him focused and calm

bLUE!!!

we know blue was bullied as a kid but i dont wanna say red also bullied him bc i feel like thats just wrong to me? MAYBE ITS NOT ACTUALLY but it just makes me sad so like. lets say red, being as protective as he is, stood up for blue a lot cuz he was like “oh this kid cant fight” so he knew what to do

blue dated pink for awhile but they mutually agreed to break up after blue realized this wasnt what he wanted (he came to the conclusion that he was gay, well, he knew for awhile but it was Internalized Homophobia)

he grew up in a very conservative family so to see the world completely differently by meeting red, ems (lt), pink and stacey was a very good thing for him. unfortunately even tho his family did love him, it was conditional so they stopped talking to him after he came out. thankfully he’d already graduated high school by that point

despite being emotional blue isn’t very good at understanding how he’s an emotional person. he’s able to distinct one feeling from another and analyze them, but it’s just... hard for him to kind of. process WHY he feels a certain way? which is what’s led to a lot of his struggles in getting closer with ppl

he loooves reading and writing we already know this but i mean come on. he also got a bachelor’s degree in english/ela. so he’s able to become a teacher ig but he doesn’t really want to? at least not for awhile yet

blue was ems’ first friend. at first he couldn’t understand why they had tics but decided he shouldn’t get into someone else’s business. he didn’t find it weird, just cool!

he and red would always pair up for projects if they had classes together!!!!!! blue would do the writing/research and red would do the illustrations. they always turned out really good even if it ended with red cramming it at the last minute

surprisingly hates broseph more than red. well i mean its not surprising, because broseph was always a huge DICK to him

blue’s real name is wyatt!!!!! i forget the meaning but i felt the sound of it and the meaning fit him well

piiiiink!!!!!!!!!!

she’s still in college, getting her doctorate to be an astrophysicist!

pink is very very smart and will help anyone who’s struggling with something in school. she was basically the genius who always got in the honor roll every year. but, she actually was really anxious especially with exams

pink encourages stacey to go back to school, and sometimes stacey does, but she always ends up leaving again. it’s a little stressful but pink has hope for her

she’s never drank one sip of alcohol in her entire life. she smoked weed once, but it felt weird so she didn’t do it again

ever since she and blue broke up she’s been very supportive of him bc she herself is bisexual!!! so she sees nothing weird about it. in fact, about almost a year later she started dating stacey

pink’s real name is lily. when she became friends with blue she met red through him and she was like “can i join your nickname thing” and they said “sure” so they called her pink. stacey sometimes calls her pinky or just pink but mostly lily

pink helped red with academics. even tho he was sometimes insufferable to work with (/j thats a Joke i promise she’s a very patient person) she didn’t give up on him!!!! in return he helped her out with some fitness stuff cuz pink was always insecure about gym, and later when she graduated she actually got into exercising bc of red!

she loves travelling and going for walks. she owns a lot of houseplants and she’s given them all names and takes very good care of them! she also owns an albino ball python named Velvet

STACEYYY!!!!!!!

stacey is nOT actually all about sex this time ok. i don’t like that. i mean she did have some personality in canon but it wasn’t much? anyways she just really likes to express herself thru tight/”risque” clothing like fishnets and leather and pleated skirts and thigh-highs and platform boots, all of that. basically she’s a goth girl but doesn’t really “act” like one

she’s really intelligent when it comes to animals and insects and will tell you anything you need to know. when she goes back to college she gets a degree in environmental science

stacey can play the electric and bass guitars!!!! she was in a band back in high school but it never really went anywhere beyond performances at parties in someone’s garage. not that she didn’t like it, looking back on it makes her feel happy, but she wished it continued. probably why she has a hard time going back to college bc she’s not sure what she really wants

stacey is a trans woman btw!!!!! unfortunately it was a little difficult in high school to be who she was bc some kids were jerks, but there were a lot of others who supported her which is good

she views red as her brother as well and they still hang out a lot

i haven’t really had time to focus on stacey and make headcanons and stuff for her so i don’t have a lot but... let’s say, secretly, she’s a scifi nerd. and for the sake of debate, let’s say she’s a marvel fan. if you count being a fan of deadpool as being a fan of marvel

LOVES GIRLS.... loves pink!!!

has very similar music taste to red’s!!!!!

emssss!!!!!!! (lt)

instead of being a stereotype of ppl with tourette’s syndrome, it’s just a normal thing that isn’t focused on a whole lot. it doesn’t make ems swear but if they get really really frustrated they’ll curse while doing one of their tics

ems is agender, i’d say they’re also ageless but i don’t really want to make them too “nonhuman” because i feel like that’s dehumanizing to people with tourette’s. so let’s just say most laws of existence don’t apply to them

they’re very friendly!

they’re an aspiring musician, just like in canon

ems is also big into horror movies believe it or not. they’re pretty critical of them though like most horror movie fans, and only like specific ones (i’m not a horror movie fan myself so i can’t say what Specific Ones they like ajsdhbjn just imagine they have good taste okay)

they r very artsy too and like doing crafts cause it gives them something to focus on. it’s just a hobby though it’s not something they’re Professional at

they love nature and flowers and trees and all kinds of plants and animals!!! they like to document what they see when they travel thru nature and stuff so they bring a camera with them (and their phone, but, you know whatever)

ems was never really affected by things people said to them regarding their syndrome. to them it was something they were born with, so they couldn’t bother to feel bad about themselves. in certain situations theyre able to control it but 90% of the time they don’t care about what ppl think

aaaand there u go!!! as for minor characters like raccoon, jason/trollz0r, broseph, dingleberry, they all exist (raccoon isnt a racist stereotype tho), i just dont focus on them a whole lot. most of my hcs for stacey and ems here were thought up on the spot since i havent had time to lay out all my ideas for them but i hope what i have here is good !!!!

also, red and blue ARE dating, and pink and stacey ARE ALSO dating. gay rights

#asks #dick figures #Anonymous

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theleastcarefulofgamedevs · 5 years

Note

whole "talk abt ___" meme. go off. (answer privately if u like.)

ham time

1. First time you watched your favorite movie

I’ve only seen Spiderverse once! I went and saw it with my mom at the theater over by our place. I loved it!!

2. Talk about your first kiss

I don’t really know how to put this one, to be honest. It was like something out of a fanfic lmao

3. Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for

Two people qualify for this, I’d say. The person I had a crush on before my current girlfriend just... up and vanished one day, without a trace. Nobody’s seen them since. My current girlfriend is amazing tho and i could never ever ask for anyone better because nobody better exists,,,, uwu

4. thing you regret most so far

oh christ okay. this ISN’T about the stalker, for those in the know, this is abt someone else who only i’ve encountered. there was this person who was interested in me but i was already dating someone else so i couldn’t let them down softly, and instead of doing the smart thing and explaining the situation i just cut off all contact with them,,,,

5 + 6: i don’t rlly remember much abt em, sorry,,,

7. biggest insecurity

i hate feeling like i’m not enough for someone or that they’ll find someone better than me and only keep me around because they’re afraid of hurting me.

8. thing you’re most proud of

my writing!!!! i think i’m good at it, at least. it makes me rlly happy when people critique it and engage with it, and it makes me a little :||| when people don’t,,

9. little things you’re proud of

di- *i am shot and killed*

10. talk about your biggest fight

i don’t have any real fights

11. Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

bein with my geef

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

there was this weird string of nightmares i had over 3 days two years ago that were all about this one weird girl ive never seen before dying over and over?? i think it was supposed to be my gf in the dream but i didn’t have a relationship at that time??

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

14: Talk about a vacation.

i’ve always wanted to visit japan!!! i might choose to live there too at some point but that’d have to be an agreement between the ppl i care abt

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

rn tbh

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

i don’t go to parties

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

All Of My Mutuals

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

i dont remember anything from elementary school except for the time one kid got called an ass by the substitute once in 5th grade

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

my class made a teacher run out of the room crying

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

I Am There Now

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

ive had two stalkers

22: Talk about your worst fear.

See Question 7

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

the only time ive been turned down relationship wise really is in elementary school which i mean *shrug* whatever

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

all of danganronpa 2 chapter 5 and 6

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

theyre racist and homophobic now :\

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

i sit in bed. i sleep. i sit again

and then i puke

27-30:

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

I like to believe in an afterlife where you get to be with those you care about most.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

My old apartment my parents used to live in was really cozy and small!

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

i cry and talk to my geef abt it

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

i woke up one day when i was like 7 and couldnt use either of my legs. i woke up the next day perfectly healthy. this is not a joke

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

being sad

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

I like shitty anime rpgs and dating games owebgaewugbaeiwugb

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

See Question 4

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

Every love song makes me think of my geef,,,,, uwu

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

it’s alright my man. you’re good. you’re chill. i’m you from the future, little homie. it’s all cool. put the axe down. you are swinging an axe at me now

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

a lot of people have died in my life,,,,, wish they didn’t.

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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oh, continuing on from too-long, incoherent post made hours ago when nobody was online, obvs, No-Friends Club members put ur hands in—

one weird thing i remembered is the Experience of like, time to put interpersonal boundaries in place by setting boundaries on My Own Emotions, you know what i’m saying! like for example the Cold Math issue of having no friends, where like, you have a few ppl who talk with you, and just like, thanks to proportions and statistics alone, on your end its like thank god for these noble few who are each like, 490% of the good interactions you get in life, the beautiful line of defense between you and utter isolation, and on their end its gonna be like, you’re a person they talk to sometimes. and that’s too easy to forget sometimes so i just commit to remembering it, and like, deliberately Not getting overenthused/overinvested about it, cuz it’s just not fun to sorta put the cart before the horse and then have the repeated realization that you’re really not going to be an official friend or whatever or that significant a figure in other ppl’s lives. rough!! you know what i’m talking about re: this experience?

it’s just tricky and i don’t even entirely have a handle on it to this day (tho a way better handle on it than when i had to figure out how this situation worked years ago) in part cuz like, actually, despite having been isolated in varying degrees for like, basically my whole life except less during college tho i often had Big Lonely problems then too, despite that and also despite anxiety ishes (issues) and discomfort with social situations sometimes for other reasons, i’m like, actually a real social person when its the kind of social setup i Can be comfortable with, which is a decent variety imo. and i really like people actually, if they arent terrible, and i really like interacting with them If They Arent Terrible, and in theory i would Love to have friends and that’s always been true. and im an enthusiastic and passionate person, what can i say, so it’s a funky time having to reign that in when yknow, generally, like “oh im excited to have a friend” should be a wholly positive sentiment that’s not gonna burn you as long as the other person isn’t evil. but! i do gotta rein in that sentiment. like settle down. like i was saying before about not “hoping” to have friends technically even tho of course i’d always like to and like, if anything erring on the side of caution and not being like, oh yeah these ppl who interact on occasion / amicably with me are my friends. undersell myself eh. if i have friends i’ll try to figure it out after the fact rather than overestimate connections and be disappointed ad infinitum or what have u

also! bring it tf in for ppl with “weird” social skills! losers since preschool or whenever you started being around groups of your age peers! having the intangible Vibe that ppl pick up on and you get sort of socially written off or the Sort-Of-Contempt which is loads of fun. and kind of operating on slightly different frequencies communication wise, or having your social / behavioral cues be misread b/c its not the “normal” meaning, all that kinda thing, so that your Trying To Be Friendly might be Weird In A Bad Way to other ppl, or your social discomfort getting read as “they don’t like us” instead of “they aren’t comfortable with some aspects of this situation”, etc etc etc.....it’s a bummer cuz like, thank god for online socialization b/c in a lot of ways for a lot of reasons its so much more doable for me, but there’s still ways it has downsides, like, i don’t like groupchats which is like, synonymous with We’re Actual Friends Now, so, tough break for me there, and i don’t often start talking to ppl b/c i don’t assume any particular individual would be interested in that and it takes ages for it to occur to me that anyone might, and i don’t think i always am that good at writing my thoughts and also just like In Person i often don’t know what/how to say things even with zero pressure and also just like in person i can be sort of cagey and Underwhelming......whereas IN person i can actually be chatty as fuck and often overtalkative and i like to Get Silly and all that shit. not to say im not underwhelming in person, too! cuz yeah most of the time im overly quiet and people are surprised when i talk or when i make reference to the fact i have Big Opinions and big emotions b/c they thought i just had an equally quiet inner world i guess lol.......like yeah!! on one hand i’m like woops im fucking this up cuz im holding back and on the other hand its like uh oh now im making a mess cuz when i dont hold back im generally not In Accordance With Ppls Tastes And Preferences cuz im being too much. sort of lose-lose-lose. me and cats are the same. also i ought to be better at initiating conversation but i’m crap at it cuz im like, lowkey constant assumption that if ppl arent talking to me they don’t want to and it’d be annoying to say something, which is not Correct. but also i’m always nervous and nervous about ppl. oh well, we’ll get there maybe

anyways i like when characters have no friends and it’s not for lack of trying/wanting them!! it’s a weird experience and ya love that Relatable Material. like its funny alana calling everyone “acquaintances” cuz im out here doing that already lol my friendly acquaintances......like ideally yeah it’d be nice to have close friends but i do appreciate Being A Casual Fixture On The Perimeters Of Someone’s Life And Maybe Sometimes I Get To Be A Small Positive Experience In Their Existence for what it is, but it Is fairly depressing being the fleeting NPC in the outer / tangential orbits of mostly everybody who knows you. c’est la vie!!!! it is both good and not good. anyway back to acquaintances. yeah like seeing that “earnest efforts to have friends but it fails for various reasons” is fun cuz like yeah!! population: Same! though i’ve never really been like that specific character. i also like the book “the murder of bindy mackenzie” and the character is kind of like alana’s too. an academically supersuccessful girl who tries to reach out to her peers but her methods don’t work and she’s misreading others and others are misreading her and she’s distressed about various aspects of her life and also, someone’s trying to kill her. though i wasn’t too much like those other characters either. i feel like luna lovegood makes the list, on account of she like, is just nice and friendly but nobody likes her because of apparently weird interests which shouldnt be considered weird but i guess that was a probably-accidental commentary on how arbitrary Social Acceptability can be, and also because she is sort of unusual in terms of her average demeanor, and that’s not really reason not to like her but not only does she have no friends but also people are just sort of mean to her. feels real man! fondly recalling the times i’ve had to realize in retrospect that people were actually making fun of me...etc etc...other depressing things......and shoutout to the black suits for having that collective representation of varying ways to be a weird dumbass with Issues who nobody likes. very meta that i’ve wished i could be in a shitty for-fun high school garage band for the Hanging Out With Friends aspect of it alone. nato is also great representation for “superlative academic performance but doesn’t actually care about school and only cares about like, a snail he saw today, and being a weird goofaround loser 24/7”

where was i going with this!! just adding on more ideas i guess. Tumblr Mobile Don’t Eat My Post. other lifelong members of the no-friends-and-it-sucks club @ me!! struggling with figuring out how to at least feel more okay with your crappy social experience because there’s no real way to feel good about it but we’re at least trying to feel less bad, @ me! we’re valid and we’re Didn’t Ask For This But Here We Are

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ardentlythieving · 5 years

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HEWWO EVERYBODY IT’S END OF YEAR RECAP TIME WITH ME: UR PAL ARDO

First of all if ur reading this, merry christmas if u celebrate it and happy holidays if u don’t!!! Y’all are amazing people and I hope this time of year is a good one for you, and if it’s not I hope you find the time to do smth nice for urself!!

Dam this year has been crazy tho. I mean if ur dash is anything like mine you’ve prob seen all those posts talking about how long this year has felt re: the sheer amount of stuff happening. But on a more individual level there’s some stuff I wanna say I guess so in no particular order here is my Thoughts™ coz there’s been some good, some bad, and some weird this year.

So, this year has been a kind of wild one for me in terms of things changing. The big one being that I started university and kinda lost contact with most of my pals from high school. All goods tho, coz I met some amazing new people thru tabletop gaming who idk if I’m at the friends point with yet, but I defo wanna try and get there coz they’re cool as heck. It’s true what people say that starting university is a big change coz DAM things have been wild and hopefully are gonna keep being wild next year espc coz one of my online friends is moving down to start at my university and I’m super excited to meet her in person!! Speaking of meeting people in person I finally got to hang out with @chipmunkwithwings at her place and that was one of the highlights of my year for sure! She’s a super cool person and that week was just utterly brilliant.

Anyways while we’re on the topic of friends this year sure has been exciting for that as well. I’ve made some amazing new ones, gotten closer with some older ones, had some drift apart and thru it all I’ve learnt something important. Namely that, there’s nothing wrong with the friends I had before, but I’ve felt so much better and it’s just been so much healthier for me now I’ve also started pursuing and focusing on friendships with people around my age. It sounds weird to say, but despite having a good collection of close friends there was a part of me that was lonely, and that part has kinda stopped being so much now not all my friends are 10ish years older than me.

That’s one thing I’ve discovered, but this year has been a big one for discovery for me. I tried a bunch of different papers and found out that I hate international relations and love philosophy. I’ve started learning Swedish!! And probably the biggest and most important discovery: thanks to my friends telling me “dude you really need to do this” I’ve gotten on anti-depressants!!! Which have really been helping me so much. That’s probably.... my biggest regret is that I didn’t get on them a few years ago. Still, I’m on them now and my head is just working so much better. Also, and I’ve talked about this in an earlier post so if you wanna kno deets you can go read it, I properly I guess remembered? stopped repressing? how a friend abused me a few years ago and started working thru the issues I have because of that.

At this point I’m gonna put things under a cut coz this is where shit is gonna get long.

Some letters, to the people I’ve known this year. I know a LOT of people so I’m prob gonna not mention anyone so if I don’t mention you: I love y’all. Ur so so fucking brilliant all of u and I’m honored to know you and to have had this chance to be in contact with y’all. I’m deeply sorry for any way I might have wronged you over this year, and if any of you wronged ME I forgive you entirely. If any of you haven’t really talked to me, but want to; or if we’ve drifted outta contact and you wanna pick things back up or ANYTHING at all feel free to msg me anytime. My discord is ardentlyThieving#4893 and this is an open invitation to anyone reading this coz there’s a ton of cool ppl on here who I haven’t talked to as much as I’d like. Anyways onto the individual stuff.

To the afternoon gang. You guys all mean so so fucking much to me, more than probably anyone else. Ur my best support network, my greatest pals. Being friends with you all is a fucking delight. I know I’m not always active in our server, but trust me that it’s nothing on you. I’ve enjoyed every moment hanging out with you guys. Or well, most of them at least :P. We have the wildest conversations and trust me, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know some of you guys have had a hard time this year and I’m so sorry that you guys are going thru that shit coz y’all deserve so much better. It’s my deepest hope that next year is a good one for all of you and if there’s every anything I can do you guys know where to find me. I love you so so so so so much and I hope these last few days of 2018 are as good for you as they can possibly be.

To the people of Eff’s servers. You guys are super duper cool. Being salty with y’all is so much fun and also so deeply annoying that people keep pulling this shit that we gotta be salty about. I love the fact that we can go from shitty meme posting (usually my fault) to having in depth n thoughtful conversations about just about anything (hopefully usually not my fault). Y’all are amazing people and it feels like you’ve all found urselves a bit more this year, which I’m so happy for you about.

To Sakshi. That’s right, u get an individual one. Ur like, my hero. Srsly dude the fact that ur so fucking patient with the utter dumbasses msging you and that u started this whole deep conversation that ur not backing down from? I’m so proud of you, I admire you so much, and you have my utmost support. Hmu if you ever need me to drag someone for you. Also i’m sorry to out you as a gamer to the fine people of tumblr dot com (actually I’m not that sorry) but it’s been so much fun playing swtor with you. And salt watching things with you. I love how fun our friendship is and also how we can have proper deep conversations like 10/10 A+ content.

To Hammi. Dude you are awesomesauce. My fave lesbian pal. I love memeing with you and gaming with you and chatting with you. Here’s to another great year broski!

To Clare. We’ve only just met at the very end of this year and I’m so glad we did. Ur super cool and funny and I love ur art n posts.

To my swtor guild. Another group of wonderful people who I’ve only just met. i’m so fucking excited to get to know all of you better coz y’all have such great swtor opinions and are so much fun to play with. Sorry about what I did to the Gizka flagship bridge lmao.

To Sofa. DUDE HI! becoming friends with you this year has been one of the highlights. Thank you for all the support you’ve given me and for all the fun times we’ve had. I adore playing video games with you and I fucking love ur swtor ocs. You’ve been there for me so much, and I hope I’ve been there for you as well. Thank you for everything.

To Marie. Yet another person I met later on this year and haven’t had the chance to get so close with. Defo my bad there I need to msg you more often. Thanks for being there for me, even though I was kind of a shitty friend to you at one point. I didn’t deserve ur patience but you gave it to me anyway and I’m so fuckin grateful for that. I hope to make that up to you in the coming year. <3

To Jason. We were tight at the start of the year and kinda drifted apart which I regret. Msg me anytime dude and if you ever reinstall swtor you should totally hmu coz playing it with you was a ton of fun!!

To Traya. I know we’ve only talked on and off this year, but I’m so excited for you to be at my university and to hang out in person!! Hang in there dude, coz there’s so many cool people for you to meet and take it from me that university really is so much better than college.

Ok this is where the happy positivity ends!! Again I love y’all so much and I hope that next year is better for all of you then this one was!!! Thanks for being pals with me, I appreciate it so much even when I’m not great at showing it.

Coz there’s one more letter I gotta write coz after however many years I want closure. This is where it ends.

To Teri. Wow. I never thought I’d be saying ur name again. Well typing, but w/e. That first year we were friends was so fucking good and I’m glad we had that, coz you were a pretty cool person. I dunno why you decided to change all that and start hurting me and I’m probably never gonna understand but you know what? That’s ok. I don’t need to. You hurt me, I got out. I’m not sure, but I think you were being hurt by people as well and I hope you got out like I did. No matter how badly you treated me you still don’t deserve to be abused urself. Nobody deserves that. I don’t know if I forgive you, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I hope things are better for you now. I’m sorry for the times I wronged you while we were friends. This isn’t me saying I deserved to be abused by you, because I sure as hell didn’t, but well. Two wrongs don’t make a right and ur abuse doesn’t magically erase the times I wasn’t the greatest friend. I thought ignoring the things you did to me would make things better, but instead I let it all fester inside me and change my behaviour without realizing that’s what happened. So this is me letting go of it all. Coz you don’t get to fuckin take anything else away from me. I’m better now than I was then despite everything you did to me. This is me, making a conscious choice to heal and move on and grow. It’s not gonna be easy, but imma do it and it’s gonna be so fucking wonderful. This is Arden signing out because you don’t GET to have any control over my life anymore. Never ever again.

#ardently original #happy long ass christmas post lads

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identitycris1s · 3 years

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im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:)

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes.

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kyunsies · 3 years

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hi madch!! i'm doing ok - i Finally made a gifset today bc i felt like playing w colours - unfortunately not from my gif ideas list but it was a set for the secrets band ver video!!! (you might see it on your dash but idk 👀 + out of curiosity what are you working on)

i get what you mean abt IB/AP war flashbacks LMAOO it was really stressful for me, and in my final year of hs i realized how toxic some of the people were - some of them had huge egos/superiority complexes esp those at the top of the class (+ they weren't funny. at all hahaha) or were really entitled it was... yikes. first 2 years of hs is something called "pre-ib" and then last 2 years (grades 11-12) is the actual "ib diploma" program (we also had 2 semesters in an academic year so 4 semesters of hell and constant burnout). i didn't actually do the full diploma program,, i did certificate for my own sanity - for me i did 3 IB courses instead of the normal 6. and ofc i'll tell you when i'm in the mood to watch food vlogs <33

i think he'll post when he's enlisted too :)) esp after his training period. and you're right abt the civilian stuff, i heard he was gonna work a 9-5 office job for his enlistment lol. i think mbbs will be ok though :)) - 🌱

AHH angel u are back <3 hi !!!!! it's good to hear from you before tomorrow ;_____; i'm glad u were able to make a gifset baby !!! i haven't been giffing much lately bc my brain is was just laskfslfsdj this week but i have something lined up in the queue for tomorrow :') i miss giffing i cannot bear to NOT gif for too long i love it too much ...... also DSLKFJLSKJF i don’t really know if i want to give away what i’m working on but i’ll say this !!! i hope it helps mbb tumblr in some way 🥺

but omg yes WAR flashbacks !!!!! i can't believe i actually tortured myself with 6 ap classes throughout my whole time at high school .......... and i was always just a B student hhhhh i work hard for mediocre grads that's just my life ;____; i really feel you about the cut throat atmosphere tho !!! :( i went to an all girls catholic school so lskdjfskldfjk jesus christ u could probably imagine ;____; even with my 3.7 gpa (which i know it's nothing to boast about) i was still middle of my class :/ not even the top 3rd....... so AH i never want to think about high school ever again honestly :') !!!!!! my friends were so shitty to me ,,,,,, why was i friends with these ppl HHHH but anyways enough about high school I ACTUALLY JUST WATCHED a food vlog just now i think you would like these bc they're short and cute <3

and yes i have no doubt in my mind he will post !!!! i just hope mbb will be okay ahhh we just need to support him and them all well can <3

#asks #🌱 anon

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