it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
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I feel like people sometimes have a tendency to paint Inej as a little too wide-eyed and borderline naive and I feel like that's such a misread and disservice to her character, because her faith and hope for a better future isn't some misguided assumption that everything will be okay or that the world isn't so bad. She knows exactly how bad things can be and exactly what kind of evil people are capable of, and she's saying "fuck you, you can take my autonomy and my childhood and maybe I'll never see my family or home again, but I will literally die before I let make me think that the shit I've been through is all there is. The beauty and love I experienced was real and valuable and nothing you do or say will make me let go of that or believe it's not possible for me to have again," and it is genuinely the most incredible and real thing in those books.
Inej has fought tooth and nail for every ounce of goodness she has and she'll keep wringing it out of the world because those things are real and possible no matter what, and there's nothing naive about it.
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JSJDDJS. seriously when you actually think about the implications of this ep. and what it means for stan. what it brings up. the boat. being left. IUUUEHGJXSO I CANT. this expression breaks me. HES SO SAD AND LONELY HERE i love him sm
‘talkin to my reflection’ WHAT R U TRYNA DO TO ME EXCUSE ME OUCH. UNCALLED FOR. UNNECESSARY.
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