#makes me feel guilty but then I remind myself that I'm not holding anyone at gunpoint so

[hazbinhazbinhazbinreblog]

The other Overlords might have found a solution.

Vox wants to try it right away, but he's not the only guest in this universe.

“We need your Alastor,” Carmilla reminds him sternly.

Alastor still isn't back, and Vox has hit a snag in his work. Contrary to what he told the deer demon, Vox does need his expertise with radio waves and magic to finish it.

Vox sighs. He's been sifting through his memory banks all the way back to the 50s when he arrived in Hell. He can't stop thinking about what Alastor said to him the other day during his episode of anger. He's watched so many old memories of just him and Alastor. It hurts more than he expected it to. He's really tired. “Yeah, okay. Just give me a second.”

He closes his eyes and casts out radio waves. It's been a while since he's tried to find Alastor using just his—their frequency.

To the side, he senses how his other self and the Other Alastor watch him curiously. They can feel what he's doing.

He ignores it. His Alastor is more important.

He shuffles rapidly through the signals in the air and discards the ones that aren't Alastor's.

No.

Nope.

Not that one.

No.

Absolutely not.

There.

…

He's still mad.

Vox sighs again and opens his eyes. “Uh. I might be a while. He's still mad at me. I'll try to calm him down.”

He takes a step towards the corner and melts into the shadows the way Alastor taught him so many years ago, ignoring the exclamations of surprise and shock behind him as the darkness wraps around him like an old friend, much like how it did for Alastor.

In a way it is. It's one thing he and Alastor share, with Alastor introducing him to it once Vox recovered from his fall back then.

Vox feels conflicted knowing that Alastor still keeps the shadows open for him to use. That's a major amount of trust that he really shouldn't give Vox. But at the same time it makes him feel warm inside.

The shadows take him to the edge of the city, where he sees Alastor sitting on some rubble, facing away from him.

Vox approaches him silently and sits next to him.

Neither of them say anything.

In a funny way, silence is easier than talking for the two performers.

There's no tension in the air, just grief sadness.

"My biggest mistake is falling in love with you," Alastor says suddenly, breaking the silence. "I had gone on for so long without opening myself up to anyone even before I ended up in Hell. And then you came along."

Vox feels guilty at that admission. "Al, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you…"

Alastor chuckles and shakes his head. "You didn't let me finish. My mistake is loving you. Even if I walked away my heart wouldn't let me get far. But I can't bring myself to regret it. Even after all this time I still love you."

Alastor turns to face him fully, and Vox freezes.

Alastor is crying.

He's not smiling, he's holding back his grief, and Vox feels a sharper stab of guilt.

"Oh, Alastor…" Vox wraps his arms around the other sinner. "Al, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I hate you," Alastor sobs, "I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you! I hate that I still love you…"

Vox says nothing. Instead he hugs his Alastor tighter. He'll stay like this for as long as Alastor needs him to. It's not the same as before, but it's a hopeful start.

"His- their frequency" screaming crying throwing up I'm on the fucking floor and the leaving the shadows open for him I'm so.

Perfect and devastating as usual so bittersweet at the end but I love it

Someone made fanart for this!

#ask #fanfiction #staticradio #favorite

[deathofpeaceofmiiind]

high infidelity | twenty nine

I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending, I'm not your problem anymore…so who am I offending now?

*Ellie's POV* I closed the door to my Uber and just sighed heavily. The past hour felt like I blacked out, not remembering anything I said to him, and how I actually left him with no hesitation. I never thought in a million years I’d leave Noah, especially this quickly. When I took a final look at him before leaving, he was outside leaning against his balcony, his dark eyes met mine tear filled. Part of me felt guilty but, he just stood there, not bothering to fight me to stay. My Uber started to drive away and I didn’t even take another look back, I simply wiped the single tear that fell from my eye as I grabbed my phone.  

“Hey.” I sniffed. “What time are you gonna be the airport?”

“I’m just going now.” Hearing Matt’s voice on the other end was comforting, “is everything okay?”

“No.” I stopped, feeling myself wanting to cry, as if reality set in with what I did. “I’ll talk to you when I get to the airport.” I hung up and put my headphones on, closing my eyes.  All I wanted was to hear Noah’s voice again. I hit shuffle and Just Pretend came on first, making my heart split as I remembered how he dedicated it to me the first time he lost me. It seems like a lifetime ago, but it was only two weeks to the day. When I was with Noah, it really felt like time stopped completely, nothing else and nobody else mattered. I feel like I’ll be searching for the trait in everyone I meet, knowing I’ll never find it again. God, what have I done? “Ellie!”

I turned my head and saw Matt walking towards me with Folio. I smiled at them but I couldn’t hold it in my tears anymore, seeing them reminded me of Noah. I crashed right into Matt’s chest and I started crying. Both of them were confused, I’m assuming Noah hasn’t said anything to anyone yet. Not that I care if he does. Folio rubbed my back as Matt held me tightly as a few more tears escaped me. I finally came up for air and looked at them both, rubbing my tear soaked cheeks, both of them still staring at me for an answer. “I broke up with Noah.” “El…seriously? What happened?” “I don’t know. I just couldn’t handle how he was more worried about his internet presence than the fact I was getting bullied and harassed by his fans.” The anger was back, I couldn’t stand this back and forth how I was feeling right now. “So I told him he didn’t deserve me if he didn’t like the fact that I stick up for myself.” “And you can definitely stick up for yourself, you really clocked that chick.” Matt started to chuckle but Folio elbowed him right in the rib to shut him up. I just rolled my eyes, “Matthew…” “Sorry.” He replied, putting his hand up. “What do you want to do?” “Nothing right now. I just want to get home and see my son. Maybe I’ll talk to him when this settles down.” “This stuff usually blows over fast. Some fan will do something moronic tomorrow and they’ll forget about you.” Folio added, sending me a reassuring smile.  “We’ve got your back either way.” “Thanks guys. I’ll miss you.” They pulled me into a group hug before we all headed off in our direction. I had to go to another part of the airport since I was flying back to Canada, which of course Matt made some smartass remark about Canada not being a real country. My heart sunk when I turned around and couldn’t see them anymore. I don’t even know if we’ll ever be in the same room again.

*Noah’s POV* “So she just left?” I looked across the kitchen at Nick, who was sitting at my kitchen island. His face looked so puzzled with what just unfolded in front of him. Jolly leaned against the wall, arms crossed trying to process the news as well. Ellie just walked out and gave up on everything we worked hard for over these past few weeks. She never heard me out, she just thought about herself and that was it.

“Yeah. She was upset with me that I was more worried about what was online than being supportive of her.” “Supportive of what?” Nick replied, raising his eyebrow. “She punched someone.” “They called her terrible names, Nicholas.” Jolly piped in. “Matt told me all the things those girls were saying. They had it coming honestly. They’re lucky it wasn’t one of us that did it.” “Matt.” I scoffed, pouring myself a glass of Hennessy, “if it wasn’t for him, I don’t think we’d be in this mess.” “Seriously, is something going on between those two? They were inseparable last night.” “No idea, but he can have her if he wants her now.” I sighed, taking a long swig of my drink before pouring more into my glass. “You guys have it all wrong.” Jolly huffed as he grabbed his phone and keys and walked towards the door, I could tell he had enough. “Noah, you fucked up. Ellie was a headstrong, beautiful women and you just let her walk out the door. She’s probably one of the few women who would stick around despite all the shit we deal with because she can handle it. But if you want to make her look bad, go ahead, but I’m not staying around for your pity party.” “Go fuck yourself man, and get the fuck out of my house!” “I was already fucking leaving.” He replied, slamming the door shut. Fuck I hated it when he was right, but making Ellie the villain seemed like the best way to make myself feel better. Cursing under my breath I took another sip of my drink, glancing at Nick who looked like his parents told him they were getting a divorce. 

“Do you wanna change your flight and stay here another day? We should go out tonight.” Nick rolled his eyes as he took his phone out, assuming he was changing his flight, “I’ll only stay because I don’t trust you going out unsupervised right now.” “Alright, I’ll call some people up.”

I went to grab my phone, as I put my hand into my pocket, my fingers were met with a black velvet box. I took it out and threw it on the counter. I guess I don’t need this anymore. 

#bad omens #noah sebastian #fanfic

[shannonsketches]

Hello friends, today I would like to hold myself accountable and address the other side of my PSA, which is to say that I complain about things All The Time, and call myself a hater of many things.

I don’t legitimately Hate the things I complain about. I work in entertainment, and I know that it all has value, and it all has cool things to love. More importantly, I know everything has an intended audience, and sometimes I scream when that audience is not me. Which is selfish. And fun. And good! Because it challenges me to write my thoughts and come up with the story I would rather have, which I then get to come and share here!

I got into this fandom when I was a kid, and I maintain that kids in fandom (especially fandom for kids media) should be allowed to play and enjoy and explore their own stories without feeling guilty for having an interest, and I don’t ever want a kid -- or anyone! -- to come here and feel like a stranger being mad about their interest on the internet means they’re a bad person. They're not! You're not! It's okay to have different ideas!

And because I talk an awful lot of shit about games, I'm gonna repost an older thing I had on another blog, because I stand by it:

My grumpy gamer takes should always be taken with a grain of salt asjkld  I’m a whole adult who has (for the most part, still making an active effort) grown out of  the ways of fandom elitism, and while my opinions might be screaming at the top of my lungs, I promise it’s just me letting myself be a kid and get mad about fiction for the catharsis of it.  Your gaming preferences and favored blorbos are never going to be used as a value judgement here. If I’m being a butt as a fan, as a person I definitely understand there’s a reason we love the things that we do, and I love that art can do that for us! Most likely if you see me yelling about something fictional, I am just having fun yelling, and you’re allowed, if not encouraged, to ignore me lol

#even stuff I don't like is an opportunity to ask myself what I would've done differently like. #it's all beneficial out here. #SS is not for me but it might be your favorite game in the whole world and that's totally fine! !#You're right! I'm right! Because art is subjective and that's the point. #anyway I just klasjd. #please know I'm just being a butt and it's not serious in any way

Anyway I am kissing you all on the forehead and reminding you to please not take fandom too seriously. Even if our little castles look different, we're all playing in the same sand ykwim? Be excellent to each other, and ignore or blacklist the stuff you don't vibe with, including my stuff! It's fandom! You're allowed to curate your experience, and you're allowed to be happy on purpose. Thanks for reading!

#sspsa #Trying to hold myself accountable!! #I am Grumpy and Spiky and Unpleasant often but that's always gonna be My Issue not yours #Please always remember to enjoy the things you enjoy at the top of your lungs and let other people do the same

[ryverbind]

Faceless Fixation {Sal Fisher}: Coffee? [4]

Me, Larry, and Todd are quietly sitting and waiting for Ash to convince Sal to join the voice chat. Apparently, the prick has never gotten angry enough to leave the chat before, so Ash is going nurse his bruised ego back to health. I laughed about it, but no one else found it that funny. I get it. I guess.

So I sit with my headset on and my arms crossed over my chest with Call of Duty's Warzone loaded on my screen. Todd and Larry haven't said a word-- I almost wonder if they're muted.

I hear some Discord notifications, then Ash's over-exaggerated sigh. I sit up quickly, uncrossing my arms as I prepare to get into another argument with Sally.

Instead of feeling remorseful or even guilty, I feel energetic to the point where I have to remind myself that stooping down to his level isn't a good thing. But it still feels so damn good.

"Alright everyone," Ash says. When she's serious, she always says 'alright' in that exhausted, slightly disappointed tone. "We're having a meeting. Call this therapy because, clearly, some of you fuckers need it!"

I hold my breath and my stomach turns with excitement as words just leave my mouth without command. "Yea, I'm sure Sally needs some therapy after that burn. It's okay, buddy. We all support you."

"Y/--" Ash chokes on the first syllable of my name and I hold my breath again, but this time it's not out of eagerness. Fuck, I guess that one was a warning for me to just shut the fuck up from the universe.

Thankfully, Ash spits out a random word that starts with the same sound as the beginning of my name. It's random enough and the others are used to it, so no one says anything.

"Dammit, Vi!" Ash tries again, a tremor in her voice. I gulp, chewing on my bottom lip anxiously. That was way too close, but it's my own fault. "This is serious. Sally's pissed off and the two of you are way too hostile. This needs to end, or tone it down a bit at least."

My mouth feels dry and sticky as the guilt I wasn't feeling earlier starts to pick at my brain. I don't want to feel bad because if anyone should feel bad, it's Sal. He's a dick to me for no reason and it's fueled every one of my reactions. That's exactly why we're having a damn group intervention right now.

But, then again, all we're doing is giving Ash, Larry, and Todd a hard time. I genuinely don't want to do that. I feel selfish realizing that I've ignored how they may be feeling over the situation.

I chew on my lip and try to bite back my pride because the truth of the matter is that I need to apologize. My insides burn and I swear I'll make my lip bleed, but it's for the good of the group, right? Sal will let up, and maybe we'll even become friends. Right?

"Sally," I say with a sigh, trying to push away the slight sarcasm that leaks through my words. Fuck, it physically pains me to have to do this. "Listen, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... done or said what I did. Can we, maybe, start over?"

I hear a scoff. My eyes narrow and my head clears. It's a moment of clarity for me-- not quite an epiphany, but a full second of time where I accept reality. It's a point in my life where I ditch any original plan I had just come up with.

"Shut up," Sally's voice bites out. Then he sighs heavily. "You're not my friend and there is no do-over. The only thing that's saving you right now is that I refuse to let you tear apart everything me, Ash, Larry, and Todd have built up. You will not get in the way. You're just an obstacle on my righteous path of life." His voice is confident, even amused as he speaks rather than the instant aggression he originally addressed me with.

I tilt my head and swallow thickly, "You know what?" I say, adopting a clear and gentle voice. Honestly, I'm kind of tired of fighting with him by now because he can't overlook whatever bullshit he's starting. He's a brick wall. At the same time though, I see how things must look to him. I'm some random person who's causing trouble-- a possibility that could break up the group he's worked so hard on. If I were in Sally's place, I'd feel threatened too. "That's fine by me. I have no intentions of breaking up your group-- I never have. I just want to get to where you guys are, make some friends in the process. I mean no harm."

"You do know that offering to choke on my cock is the quickest way to break up a group, right?" Sally snorts, his voice filled with accusation and humor.

So he finds this entire thing funny now. And for once, he scores a point. I can only win for so long, I suppose.

A blush tinges my cheeks and I pinch my lips together. He's managed to embarrass me and spew the truth at the same time. I can't fucking stand him, but I respect the accomplished attempt. I'm a fair person. He gets two points in my book for that one, but he doesn't have to know I respect him.

"So you don't want your dick in my mouth?" I ask, cocking an eyebrow even though he can't see it.

"Can you both just stop?" Ash says tiredly, clearly exasperated.

The reminder that I'm probably stressing all of my friends out makes me see rationally again, so I swallow back whatever else I was going to say.

"Sorry guys, I'm done with it. Let's play some games," I say, forcing a smile on my face. It's a facade to try and feel like I'm actually enjoying myself and not acting like a total bitch.

"I'm not done," Sally's voice comes in and his claim makes me sit up in my chair. No point in that, I'm just watching my character walk around with a gun at the ready-- nothing else. But it felt right to sit up-- to have a physical reaction. He never fails to fucking shock me.

"You've never seen my face, but you want my dick so damn bad, don't you?" he continues, chuckling at the end, like he genuinely can't help but find our situation funny. Probably because he knows he's beat me out on this game.

I sigh, and force myself to fight off the painful urge to kill his pride right now. I want to put him in his place so bad, but in the grand scheme of things, Sally means nothing. He has nothing to do with my future, nor will he be in it.

"That's highly inappropriate, Sally," I say softly, wincing at the obviously fake tone. "Let's just play, okay?"

Sally hums, the sound sending chills down my spine. It's sarcastic, it's meant to get under my skin, but fuck it feels good. I'm shocked into stillness for a moment, recalling the way his skin felt beneath my fingertips a few days ago. The way he spoke to me kindly, softly. His attractive mannerisms, his tattoos, and the look in his eyes when they met mine.

I shake myself out of the moment, taking a deep breath to quell the uncomfortable flutters in my chest.

"Let's play, then," he purrs, the sound of his voice digging into every inch of me in, unfortunately, all the best ways. "Just remember, if you end up with my cock in your hands, it's your position in jeopardy here, not mine."

Why is everyone so fucking silent?

Having to ignore his remark as quietude ensues around us makes me physically heat up. I've done a lot of averting and ignoring tonight and I can only do it for so much longer.

"The second you all start talking is when this ends," I snap harshly. "So talk."

"Yes, ma'am. Starting my stream now," Larry chuckles. It takes that instant of pure hilarity from my friend to realize that he genuinely has no issue with what we're doing. If anything, I think he may enjoy it. At least that's one person off my list of worries-- I'm not sure about Todd's stance. Ash has made her opinion clear.

We stay quiet out of respect for Larry, Todd, Ash, and Sally as they do their short introductions. I grow nervous as Ash closes her own intro up because that means I'm next.

There's no telling if anyone will even join my Twitch stream. I have hardly any followers anywhere, I've just started out. I don't even know what to say or do either. Todd and Larry had to break their backs trying to help me figure out how to work Twitch to begin with. The beginning of our Discord call was spent with panic and aggravated sighs.

"We have our sweet VioletViolence with us today and she'll be streaming for the first time too!" Ash chirps sweetly, addressing the fucking elephant in the room. "You know how to start everything up, baby?"

"Err," I spit out nervously, feeling around my keyboard for now reason at all as I start up my own stream. A spear of anxiousness travels through my system and I squint my eyes, wishing I could take it back.

But what helps is that ten people join the stream at the same exact time. From there, people join one by one every second or so.

This is real. I'm even more nervous now, but I'm hyped up over the fact that I won't be sitting in a barren stream.

"Uh, hi everyone. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing," I giggle, swiping a hand through my hair and releasing a shaky breath.

Ash giggles and Todd snorts.

"It's okay," Todd says reassuringly despite his somewhat monotone voice. "Introduce yourself and kind of go with what feels right from there."

If Sally was speaking at all right now, this wouldn't be going as smoothly. Another aggravating thing I respect about him, I guess.

"Thanks, Todd," I say sweetly, grinning as I look over a few comments on my screen. "My name is VioletViolence, and I don't have a cool trademark line yet, but I guess I'll say something ridiculous at some point. Welcome to my stream though, we're chaotic here and it's bound to get spicy eventually."

My eyes glance over a comment talking about Sally and how the person loves our banter, so I snort over it, scrunching my eyebrows. "That's cute," I laugh good-naturedly. "I think Sally would raise hell if he saw someone talking about our arguments as banter. Regardless, I'm glad you like it. It does get pretty fun."

An influx of comments come in and I lean back in my seat, grimacing. I should have stayed quiet.

"Banter!?" Sally exclaims over the mic, his voice cracking under the shock. "I can't stand this bitch!"

I roll my eyes, a smile pulling at my lips. He's such a literal cunt, but people love it.

"Awe, you love me. Don't lie," I coo, clicking on a couple things on my screen. Impatiently waiting to finish yelling at Sally so I can lose myself in Call of Duty. Kill bitches, feel better. "You couldn't shut up about having your dick in my mouth two minutes ago."

Sally grumbles, some aggression hidden in his deep voice that makes me giddy for a good fight instantly. "You're putting words into my mouth, dumbass. Get it right-- you're the one who offered to suck me off."

"Mmm," I hum, licking my lips. "You've read me wrong. I didn't offer, but you seemed intrigued by the thought and kept the topic alive. I'm sure you'd prefer something other than my fingers in your mouth, too, wouldn't you?"

"Oh, bi--" Sally's voice has real edge to it before he gets cut off by Larry. For a moment, I was a little worried he might try and find me to argue this out in person. The harshness of his voice actually made me flinch.

But now that it's over, the adrenaline rush feels fantastic.

"Oookay, that's enough you two. You gave the audience what they want. Let's move on," Larry actually cackles, loading up a new game. "Anyway, Vi! You any good at COD?"

I give Larry my best little evil laugh and scroll through my gun options. "Oh, I eat ass at this game so prepare yourselves," I say, clicking on my best options-- the options I know well enough, in and out, to really show what I've got. Call of Duty is the first game I've ever played, which means I've had plenty of time to get used to it.

"Is... that a good or bad thing?" Todd asks, genuine curiosity and a little bit of fear in his voice. The absurdity makes me want to laugh.

With a smile, I join the game with my friends and prepare to show up every single person in this lobby. "It means my skills are gonna leave you incapacitated for weeks. This tongue game is just as serious as my thumb game."

Ash, Larry and Todd burst into uncontrollable laughter, big sighs and choking the only thing I can hear for a bit. I didn't think it was that funny, but they did so that makes me smile excitedly. I'll have to keep working on my humor, but this is a start, isn't it?

I glance over at my twitch stream and note that 2,036 people are watching me right now and my comments are wild over the words I just said, one of them saying that I've already found my catchphrase.

I'm playing a game with over two thousand people in attendance to watch me kick ass. This feels amazing, but scary all at the same time. I have to watch what I say and do. The world is a beautiful place, but it's a haunting one too. One wrong move and shit can end just as quickly as it's begun.

I address some of my comments, grinning as our game starts and I hide myself behind a corner for a moment, listening to Ash yell at Larry to stop laughing.

"You guys like my serious tongue and thumb game? That got you?" I giggle, tilting my head curiously.

A ton of comments come in stating that they do, in fact, like the claim. "So what if I replace serious with dangerous?" I ask, spotting an unfortunate soul crossing my path.

"Fuck!" Sally exclaims suddenly, a lot of clicking and huffing going on on his end of the call. "I need help, some asshole's lighting me up."

Larry harrumphs, "A bro in need is a bro indeed," he says. "On my way!"

The phrase makes me laugh as I take off in Sally and Larry's direction as well, targeting who I can along the way. "You sure it isn't me kicking your ass?" I ask.

"That'd be cute wouldn't it?" Sally snaps, his voice grating. "Too bad you can't target group members in this setting. Otherwise, you'd be dead."

"Bold of you to assume I'm not already dead," I say sweetly, veering around a corner and finally spotting both boys.

"I wish you were." Sally grunts out, sighing exasperatedly.

"If I was, then you'd be dead, too." My tone is serious for a moment. Sally Face really was drowning in opponents and they were gunning him down bad, so I take out the last two to my left while Larry and Sally handle the others.

Sally's character spins around as I do and he notes my presence. I can't see him and I'm nowhere near him in person, but I can just smell his rage from across this continent that we both reside on.

"Fuck off," he bites out.

"I think you'd prefer to... fuck on," I can't help the smirk that envelops my face at the dumb joke. Sally doesn't find it funny, but my viewers, Larry, Ash, and Todd giggle at it.

Then an enemy pops up behind Sally while he's struggling to find something to say and the worst happens. Sally goes down in an instant-- I couldn't save him in time but I do avenge him by finishing the enemy. Friend or not, Sally is my teammate.

The issue is that he's dead because of me. Oops.

"Shit, sorry," I murmur, hot-cheeked and chewing my lips in embarrassment. I know he's going to be pissed.

"Dumb bitch," he spits out. "You just have to argue over everything."

Ew. Gross. "I apologized, asshat. Get over it. I was in the wrong, it happened, it's over. Don't be a dick," I grunt out, a little disgusted over his instant reaction as I keep playing with Ash, Larry, and Todd.

"Yea man, low blow," Larry murmurs.

"The two of you need to tone down the hostility. It's funny when it's friendly, but you went a bit far, Sally," Todd says matter-of-factly.

Fuck, his friends defending me is just going to piss him off even more.

"Yea, okay," Sally huffs out, less than pleased but forced to hold up a facade for the sake of his fans. I can only imagine what he's going to say when we end our streams later. "I'm going get coffee."

There's that damn accent. It's so nice and steals my attention immediately. The stupid way he says 'coffee' is so damn distracting that I can't stop myself from saying, "Wait, Sally, say that again."

The fear that erupts in my body gets me killed too. Everything goes to chaos for a moment, Larry yelling as I try to save myself, me panic running and still losing, then my comment section absolutely losing their minds.

Damn him. He could have just said something like "be back in a second." Why did he have to say the word 'coffee?'

I take a breath as I watch my dead body on my screen. Larry is breathing hard, Ash let out a little "oop" and Todd is off dominating elsewhere. Hopefully, Sally left before he could hear what I said.

That would be the best case scenario considering it was a moment of weakness for me. Please, let him be gone.

Of course he isn't though.

"What?" Sally suddenly asks, voice scrutinizing like he's trying to understand what just went on. The rest of the group is immersed in the game, so I lean back in my chair with wide eyes and a defeated little huff.

"What do you mean, what?" I ask nervously. Right now, Sally and I's viewers are just listening to us. This is a bad moment with no outside distractions to move us on to some other topic.

"You told me to say something again. What did you want me to say?" he says, seemingly short-fused. He's acting like he's sparing me just this once, like he's giving me a little break. The bastard.

I swallow thickly, squeezing my eyes shut as I try to remind myself that I really need to play up my act. No one can see how fucking embarrassed I am, so I can't let them hear that I am, especially Sally. "It doesn't matter. I thought you said something different."

"You sure?" Sally asks, a meticulous edge to his raspy voice. I shiver for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. He's too good with the way he speaks-- not specifically the words, but the way he uses them. "Did the accent get you?"

Dammit. This mustn't be the first time he's gotten shit about the way he says some things.

I try desperately hard to hold back a groan. What else should I say? How can I deflect-- deny? I... don't think I can.

"Yea," I improvise, bringing my fingers to my lips. "It sounded... cool. Where are you from?"

Sally and I have never had a normal conversation before so trying to initiate one to save my own ass is awkward. I don't know how to talk to him like a normal person.

Sally snorts. "Yea. I get bitches with the accent. Wish you were next?"

I roll my eyes and drop my hand back to my table. "You're such an ass. I was just trying to make casual conversation, you know?"

"That's not a 'no,'" he chuckles lowly and I feel like I'm going to fall apart. He needs to contain this asshole-ish, aggressive flirting because it's tearing me apart. It fills me with rage, but attracts me to him at the same time. I've never hated a guy's charm more than I do his.

"It's a no. I do not want you, Sally Face," I rush out, attempting to keep any hostility out of my voice even if it's incredibly hard. "Just tell me where you're from."

"Nope. I don't see why that's relevant when there are more important topics, such as your very obvious attraction to me." Sally quips, laughing lightly like he enjoys terrorizing me. He definitely enjoys it.

"Oh, really?" I grit out. "You keep bringing up this attraction you think I have for you, so are you sure it isn't the other way around?"

"More than. I've never seen you before. How could I be attracted to you? Not to mention, your personality is utter shit." Sally's insult is fired back at me angrily. Every time he's not in control, he gets pissed off. All I have to do is flip the switch on him, huh?

"Oh, there's no need to lie, Sally," I antagonize. "What about when I sent photos on Discord earlier? You disappeared then came back so, so angry. Were you just upset that you thought I was hot? What happened there?" If he can play this game, then I can, too. Fuck moving on, I'll bring up the past if it just so happens to be in my favor.

"I disappeared because there were more important things to do. You just think so highly of yourself, don't you? You think you're the center of attention. I saw your bullshit in the chat and left to get some water while everyone else hyped you up for no reason." Sally's smart, I'll give him that. He's quick with his rebuttals and he knows how to make me fucking itch.

For example, he pulled out his trump card-- that fucking accent again. He said 'water' on purpose. And no, I'm not hearing anyone out. Of course he said that on purpose.

No, I'm not just losing my mind because he's hot and and irking me all at once. I'm fine.

Before a syllable can even leave my mouth, Ash pipes up and cuts our argument short.

To say I'm fuming and yearning for Sal's neck in my hands is an understatement. And I'm not even quite sure how I want his neck in my grasp-- to assert dominance or to actual wring him fucking breathless.

"Hey, you fuming little fairies," Ash chirps with a giggle. "We won. Let's start a new game."

"No thanks to the bitch in the chat, of course," Sally's sighs. I can hear the mocking smile in his voice. "But yea, new game."

Things are getting worse, not better.

#sally face fandom #sally face #sal fisher #sally face fanfiction #future smut #ash campbell #larry johnson #enemies to lovers #todd morrison #travis phelps

[aprilsadviceaskblog]

// examples of self-hate thoughts, sh mention

I often look back at moments where I've had episodes of acting awful towards people close to me. Voicing those thoughts which plague my head when I'm at my lowest. "You'll get tired of me", "I don't deserve love", "I like falling apart like this", "I'll never get better".

I've been straight up cruel. Mentioning harm I'd do to myself, either through actual nssi or by self-neglect like not sleeping, all just to intentionally make them worry.

And I just look back and think, how could I do that? I haven't done anything like that for several months now, but I just look back at those moments and I feel guilty all over again. Especially since those people were always so compassionate and understanding every time. It's like they could tell it wasn't really me.

Which all brings me to my main question: how can I accept others' forgiveness when I can't even forgive myself? It feels like I was let off way too easy. It feels like I should have faced more consequences, they should've gotten mad, they should've made me feel bad for what I did because it *was* wrong. But they didn't. They said they would stand by me always, and that they would never give up on me. How does one even begin to understand that? I don't think I'll ever understand it.

Hi anon,

I actually think the advice I gave to the last ask I answered is relevant here.

"It’s important to remember that part of making mistakes is working to do better in the future and part of that can’t happen if you’re holding onto them and beating yourself up. Reminding myself that beating myself up actually holds me back from growing is something that helps my thought process. Because growing means I can be better for the people I love.

In a perfect world, I'd do it just for me but I can't at this point. So the reminder that me moving on is better for my loved ones helps me to move on."

If they've made the decision to forgive you, that's their choice. You accept it because you accept that they have the freedom to make that choice. Forgiving yourself is complicated and hard. And it was wrong. But punishing yourself forever doesn't do anyone any good, especially you.

#april answers #tw self harm #tw sh mention #tw threats #tw manipulation

[kakushino]

Who I am - What I feel - How I feel

Tw: depression, passive suicidal thoughts, gore imaginery

This is something very personal to me. I have been struggling with mental health problems for years until it all came to a head two years ago. I've been on medication since then, and am able to somewhat manage the symptoms.

This is not a call for help, nor do I want pity. This is simply how it is for me during my episodes of depression, which still do happen. Everyone experiences it differently, this is just my version.

I like to say "It is what it is," because there is no other way for me to be.

The 'he' is my comfort character. I've never been comforted during my lows, but I wanted to be, once upon a time. I don't think I'd be able to handle it now.

At times, I felt unworthy.

The warmth inside of me didn’t feel natural. It didn’t feel like my organs worked to keep me alive with each breath, each beat of the heart; instead it felt like rot, like decay of my flesh from the inside out. 

It felt like I couldn’t breathe too deep for the fear of ripping myself apart. 

I curled closer around the blanket, it serving as a substitute for someone, anyone, who could hold me in this time. 

I felt alone, lonely.

I’ve been laying in the bed since morning, it was dark outside now.

I didn’t move except to roll over to the other side or check my phone for notifications. There were none.

I didn’t know if I could handle any notification either.

I didn’t know if I could handle any one person seeing me like this. Maybe I could, but I wouldn’t want to talk to them; I just wanted quiet and I wanted this to end - I wanted this feeling to end.

My mouth was dry, I didn't feel any hunger, I shouldn’t feel any hunger.

Why was I taking up space?

Why was I even… alive?

I knew deep down that I was too much of a coward to do anything about it though. There was simply no will; there was apathy and the sickly and wrong warmth of a slowly-rotting body on a too hot and too cold bed at the same time.

The oversized t-shirt felt too rough on my skin. The mattress was too soft, too hard, too much. The blanket I was hugging was too warm, too-

I was too much and not enough at the same time.

A teacup cracked and spilling everything it was supposed to hold. A useless teacup. A teacup that should not be.

The door opened.

“I’m home.”

Fuck.

He shouldn’t be home now. I should get up. I should go greet him as I always do.

“Dear?”

Move. Get up.

His steps came too close and I knew he saw me. I tried not to move, imitating sleep.

"I know you aren't sleeping."

I exhaled softly and hummed. 

"Is it one of those days?"

Warm hand touched my shoulder, but stayed there. I was grateful for that, anything more intimate would make me cringe and feel like I'm tainting him with myself, with my filth.

I couldn't handle touch at all right that moment.

"What do you need?"

The softness of his voice created a lump in my throat; my breath hitched, moisture gathering in my eyes. I couldn't answer. The only reaction I could give was my ragged breathing, suddenly too emotional, when before, I was just a sludge of apathy.

His hand disappeared, and he walked away.

I suppressed a sob, tears slipping one by one. 

Did I want him close? Or did I need to be alone?

I didn't know.

I felt so fucking guilty.

He didn't deserve this. He deserved someone who could support him always, who would love him with everything they have - not a walking corpse, spreading ruin to all she touched.

I heard the shower running for a time, laying there, crying, gasping for breath.

When it shut off, I shut off myself too. He didn't need to see this pathetic thing I was. 

I calmed down my breathing while he rummaged in the kitchen. My stomach hurt a little, reminding me I didn't eat all day, nor did I drink anything.

I was too tired to get up.

I would just eat something tomorrow.

It wasn't like I deserved to eat anyway.

His steps neared me again. The bed dipped. He set something on the night table and then I felt his warm hand again, turning me over. I rolled onto my back, but I was too ashamed to look him in the eye, staring at his clavicle instead.

"Are you with me?"

I blinked. "Yeah," I whispered, voice breaking. It echoed strangely. I should have stayed quiet, my presence was too disturbing, too wrong.

"Did you take your pills this morning?"

I couldn't remember.

I'm sorry, I wanted to say. I shouldn't be your burden to bear. I shouldn't be.

Rough calluses scraped against the skin of my cheek. A thumb swept over my lips, making me open them instinctively.

A sigh. 

I closed my eyes. I wouldn't be able to watch his pity.

He helped me sit. Embarrassment flooded me.

The crinkle of pill platter.

I'm just a burden, aren't I?

Two pills were pressed past my lips; then a glass with water.

His thumb traced my lips again, collecting the drop of water stuck there. 

I still couldn't open my eyes. I still felt too hot and too wrong. I still felt rotten and rotting.

"Let's get something in you."

He hand-fed me, piece by piece. Sweet grapes, my favorite snack. We didn't have those yesterday.

It felt too much.

Tears fell one by one, and he hugged me, he pulled me to lay in his embrace, not speaking and not judging.

I snuggled close to his warmth, exhaustion weighing down my muscles, my bones, my soul. Each breath felt like a chore, empty and not refreshing at all. 

But it was a breath.

I didn't know if I needed this or if I needed something else, but it was what was given, and I couldn't do anything about that. I didn't deserve it, but I was going to take it anyway. 

Like a little thief.

#tw.depression

[shrekgogurt]

Thanks for the tags! @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @artsyunderstudy @cutestkilla @sailorblossoms

I have a head full of thoughts and a body paralyzed by anxiety. I’m sure y’all know that old song. If I could spend my days just thinking and being, how magnificent would that be? But, then no one else would get to know my thoughts and I would probably get evicted. How sticky and tricky life is…wouldn’t you agree?

I have a few stories holding me hostage. The main one is my Secret Snowflake Exchange submission. One of my undergraduate professors showed us a TED Talk during my first year at uni titled “Your Elusive Creative Genius.” Somewhere in the middle, Elizabeth Gilbert discusses creativity as something outside of oneself; sometimes it grabs hold and you manage to eek out some content, but other times it moves along. In short, we are hosts of a creative essence rather than the creators of the essence. Well, this story has chosen me. It has been bubbling for some time (I can literally feel it boiling my insides, making me nauseous) and threatens to explode out on a page. (Doesn’t it know I have to give myself a crash course in Koine Greek over the next 32 hours?) I’m all sorts of unsettled.

As some of you know I currently attend seminary, or as I like to call it ‘Grad School for Jesus.’ (Don’t worry, it’s in a gay way.) This fic is quite vulnerable because it deals with my complicated feelings about my own religion. I’m cautious about sharing because I don’t want to spoil the surprise or like trigger anyone since Christianity is often quite the harrowing ordeal. However, it only vaguely follows the prompts (which I feel quite guilty about…) so I don’t think the person will necessarily guess.

Simon doesn’t know. He was so damn sure or maybe he was never sure at all. He can’t form words, gasping for the breath someone said God breathed into his lungs. His heart hurts in a twisting tension that threatens to rip him open but won’t budge. He wants to pull the hair out of his head. He wants-

He wants. And isn’t that the problem.

Because I'm me, I have a song I've been listening to a lot for inspiration. It isn't directly as a songfic rather just general vibes.

Thank you to everyone for the love on my little song I wrote for Carry On Countdown Day 19: Heal. If you haven’t checked it out yet, I’m pretty proud of it so I don’t know, I would recommend it. (Please just ignore the fact that I’m straight up actually bad at guitar like this isn’t me feigning incompetence I am not good at the instrument.) Now, to hope for a Hail Mary (and maybe say a few who knows maybe I’m feeling saucy today) to pass Greek. My prof just sent me an email…

Tagging because I think you're cool!

@aristocratic-otter @asocialpessimist @bazzybelle @bookish-bogwitch @captain-aralias @facewithoutheart @fatalfangirl @hushed-chorus @ic3-que3n @ileadacharmedlife @theimpossibledemon @ionlydrinkhotwater @ivelovedhimthroughworse @johnwgrey @larkral @martsonmars @missbliss12 @moodandmist @onepintobean @pacey-bunce-loves-joey @palimpsessed @raenestee @taramembrence @takenabackbytuesdays @tea-brigade @twinkle-twinkle-up-above @thewholelemon @whogaveyoupermission @yellobb @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

#im being melodramatic again #literally cringe of me ngl #wip wednesday #carry on fandom #all my fics are an amalgamation of the music im listening to #TW: uhhhhh god ig but like the christian brand in particular #fucking nervous to post this #lol coming out as queer and coming out as a christian depending on which environment you're in #again fucking cringe #Youtube

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Four, Part 1

-455 I was standing above the sink, washing the day's dishes. For most people, this was just a normal part of the day. Those people didn't have a person shouting at them from the living room. Screaming how she hated me and wanted me gone. Right now. Just get out. But the minute that I'd actually go to leave, she come running holding me back. Telling me she was sorry and that she loved me, and that she'd try harder. I had learned how to deal with it, slipping into the fake world I was building in my head. A fake world that wasn't this sharp.

As I stood there, washing a knife and wondering what would happen I just drove it straight into my chest. She kept screaming. I actually found myself feeling guilty, like always. I know I had done something wrong. I always did. And she was always there to remind me how I fucked up. Lately, it seems that's all I did.

I stood there, washing the dishes, and wishing I was dead. She yelled at me that I didn't vacuum the floor right. Or there was dust on the TV stand. Or accusing me of cheating on her.

I started drying the dishes and put them in the places she wanted them in. In the end it didn't matter, because she would change her mind and claim to have told me. Sometimes, it seemed like she did those things just for a reason to fight with me. To hate me and break me. Then love bomb me for a week so I'll forget all about the time she cut my hand so bad I had to go get stitches in my palm. Or the broken mirror she had shattered over my head. Or the time she straight up punched me in the face. I wore a black eye of domestic abuse shame telling everyone I walked into a door.

It had become routine though. And I loved her. I loved her for all the good times, with all my heart. And to me, that made it worth it to stick through all the bad. I'd take her jabs and low blows, just to hear her say she loved me sometimes. Sorry had become my prayer. And if I wasn't apologizing, she was. The codependency was far from healthy or safe. We were horrible to each other. But those moments where we somehow worked? We were the king and queen of the entire planet.

I put the last plate away and sighed. I headed out of the kitchen and into the small living room. She didn't say anything now, just staring at the TV that was so quiet you could barely hear it. You couldn't actually make out what anyone was saying. A cigarette slowly burned between her fingers. I flopped own into and old and torn up recliner we had scavenged somewhere, probably from the side of a road.

"What? You can't sit by me now?" She asked, with venom in every word.

"Sorry," I moved from the chair, next to her, lighting my own cigarette. I watched the smoke for a second, envying its ability to escape into nothing.

"I don't what you next to me if you don't want to be by me," she growled.

"It's not that at all. I just sat down. I'm tired and just sat down in the closest spot."

"Fuck you, Chris. You're a shitty liar." I looked at her. I knew in a few hours I would be talking to someone else. Someone who did love me. Under that thick hide of anger and resentment was the person I had loved. It was all because of me.

I caught her picking up the crystal ashtray, just in time to duck as it smashed and added a new hole in the apartment wall. Our landlords were going to hate us.

* * * *

My eyes snapped open. It was still dark, and the red glow from my Christmas lights were the only light on in my room. They cast shadows that danced on the walls. From behind my shades, a streetlamp was just the right angle to cast a shadow of slats across my bedroom floor.

My heart was beating quickly. I could feel the blood violently rushing throughout my veins and arteries. As if I'd been running in my sleep. And maybe I was, I was covered in sweat, but was extremely cold. The hard bite of panic does that. It freezes you right to your core. Its cold knives being driven into your flesh. I pulled my blanket up and shivered slightly. Waiting for my breathing to catch up with itself. Waiting for my heart to slow down. To stop seeing movement in the shadows. To remember where I was. And know I didn't need to duck from an ashtray aimed at my skull.

#fiction #artists on tumblr #writing #my writing #spilled words #writers on tumblr #poets and writers #writeblr #creative writing #writerscommunity #writerscorner #writer #lierature #cynical #cynic #free verse #free form #Stories #autobiographical fiction #art #literure #howispentmysummervacation #september sky

[buckgasms]

Today was my last day of counselling because my therapist has a new job.

I feel absolutely devastated but in the last few months I have created a list of things that I'm hoping will keep me going.

I'm adding them here in case they are helpful for anyone else and when I need a reminder

❤️❤️❤️

🏅If you stop, you haven't failed. You can pick it up again whenever you are ready.

⚓Turn blame/guilt into accountability

What do I feel guilty for? Is that realistic?

Own it & apologise (make amends etc) / brazen it out / hold on to it forever

🪞Is this situation realistic to put myself in? What standards am I holding myself to?

🙅🏼‍♀️Limit the exposure to situations that make me feel down about myself

🌻What do I think is really beautiful? Those are the only 'standards' I need to care about

💜 The love you give can be conditional and still be all encompassing.

🗣️When dealing with confrontation

⭐Who am I talking to? Can the relationship be tested?

⭐Take your time - you don't need to rush to get it all out

⭐What are your values? Stick with them

⭐Section out your emotions - decide which ones you want to focus on

✨This is my body.✨

✨This is how I look.✨

✨My body is full of positive qualities✨

✨I don't have to like everything✨

✨But I must love everything ✨

✨Being perfect is not real or fun✨

✨Being myself is real and exciting✨

If someone said something nasty:

✨Was that supposed to embarrass me?

✨You've really shown how toxic you are

🔆When I start dating I need to stay with myself not with the person I am dating or anyone outside of that

🔆I present myself honestly so that's enough

🔆Make dates less about an opportunity to be evaluated and judged and return the focus on finding out more about that person.

🔆Listen to my intuition. If it doesn't feel good, then that's enough

❤️Be kind to yourself about what you've gone through

❤️You got yourself here, look how amazing you are

❤️Is the opinion you have subjective or based in truth

❤️It's ok to be sympathetic towards yourself. Do that more than anything else

🫂Wrap a warm hug around yourself when you need it

🎧You know exactly what you need, just listen to yourself and trust yourself

🧘🏼‍♀️Take time to explore thoughts. Be critical of core beliefs. Be gentle. Take time.

#self love #i’m so sad #therapy #pom speaks

[angelbellelc2]

Dark Blue Shadow chapter 2: The Professor's lamemt

Luke continues to stare at the hat as he felt the sudden need to ask his mentor something that's bothering him. Luke feels like there's more to the note as he notices the Professor's saddened expression spread across his face hidden beneath his treasured top hat. Luke begins to adjust himself to a certain distance between himself and the professor holding both note and hat. "Hey Professor would it be alright if I could ask you more about the note? I would like to know what happened to Clive and what is on your mind." Luke speaks with a very respectful tone but at the same time sounding very worried.

"If you want I could make us some english tea to make this easier for you and to let you know that I have been practicing." Luke suggested trying to make the atmosphere more palettable for the grief stricken gentlemen. Professor Layton adjusts his top hat as he agrees to the offer of freshly made tea and to speak his story of events. As Luke makes his way to prepare tea for his mentor the professor starts to retell the all to quick horrid events from gaining the note to the sudden death of Clive.

"I remember the day when I received the note my boy. Reading Clive's feelings of regret and self hatred made myself think that he needed to know that he shouldn't think of himself like that. That he deserved a second chance even if he himself didn't believe that." The professor continued on as Luke begins to firmly pour the tea into both cups slowly still listening further into his mentors story. "I made my way to where Clive was being held to try to talk himself out of taking his own life. I spoke about him being able to go on parole and that I could advocate for him if needed."

Clive listen fully to the professor word's taking to heart. "Alright then Professor I understand what you're coming from I suppose if you are sure that's still something worth living for. I would have to take your offer." Clive smiled even though it's a little faint confirms that there's still a chance for him. Clive then handed the professor the hat as his note mentioned.

The Professor continued on telling of the parole hearing and that Clive was finally allowed to be among the public once more but only if the Professor took full responsibility of Clive. "As a gentleman I felt it was my duty to help Clive in any means necessary so I agreed in taking him in as my responsibility my boy." For a quick moment the Professor's saddened expression became almost hopeful. The hopeful expression slowly transitioning into a more somber one as he continues.

"On the day of Clive's release at first glance Luke everything was going in a splendid way that looked hopeful for himself to start again. Everything was is perfect order as I made sure everything was prepared for his rehabilitation and Flora as thoughtful as she is made sure to make her ever so flavorful foods to celebrate." Professor Layton adjusts his top hat once more hidden beneath it as to endure speaking of Clive's fate.

Luke looks with concern as his mentor then starts to take out quick sip of the tea still hidden beneath his hat. "Luke you asked me of Clive's fate and what bothers me my boy. The truth of the matter is what exactly was Clive's fate. His death was undetermined and apparently classified. I felt like I failed him my boy he was ready to start once more but then taken before he had the chance. " The professor speaks with a guilty heart looking away from his ever loyal apprentice.

Luke shocked by this still makes an effort to comfort his mentor smiling softly. "Professor I'm sure you did the best you could and I would believe that Clive would be thankful for what you did for him. A gentlemen always goes out of his way to help anyone in need no matter the circumstances and he does the best he can." Luke says with a familiar tone that the professor usually used bringing a smile to the professor.

"Thank you for reminding me Luke. You're right a gentleman does his best in the end anyway." The professor says in response to his student and he starts to think of something himself. "Luke I thank you for the tea as I now have to take my leave now." The duo part ways until the next time they see each other again. Luke picks up the hat making his way back towards his bed seeing the professor through the window leaving until the next meeting.

#detective luke #luke triton #clive dove #professor layton unwound future #pl nwos #pl au #hershel layton #fanfiction #professor layton

[sailing-through-hawkins]

tagged by @xenon-demon @rogueddie and @a-little-unsteddie (≧∇≦)ﾉ

this took me SO LONG to compile because not only did i change my username to be like three times longer but i also added a challenge for myself to use songs i associate with steve (and tumblr deleted my drafts. three times.)

i've also added why i associate them with steve because some of these options may seem odd and also because i love going off about my steve thoughts (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧

edit: FORGOT TO ADD THE RULES -

put a song for each letter in your url! either in a reblog or new post!

S: Solar Powered by Fulton Lee, Jacob Sigman

(i imagine a very light-hearted rollerskating session with Steve and Max during summer time, both pulling fancy moves while the rest of the UD gang cheer them on)

A: A Little Bit Happy by TALK

(this gives me Steve talking about how Robin sees him, major self-esteem issues, etc etc)

I: I Was Made For Lovin' You by KISS

(this is the one KISS song i put on loop, and like to me, steve feeling like he was made to love just hits different)

L: Lovely (cover) by Lauren Babic

(i ADORE this artist and this particular cover makes me think about separated stobin in the russian bunker, major angst, 5k with a happy ending -)

I: I'm on Fire by Bruce Springsteen

(i started listening to springsteen after reading this fic that i highly recommend, and this song just got me, it felt so appropriate for steve)

N: Not Alright by Pink Sweat$

(very big steve coping all alone after he deals with the latest UD incident vibe)

G: Golden Hour by JVKE

(i will always promote sun-and-gold-coded steve, always)

T: The One That Got Away by Katy Perry

(okay this one's a little tricky, but after i started this blog i listened to this song and was struck by a steve-centric animatic concept that would take way too long to explain but the Story is There)

H: Her Song by Kaylee Federmann

(same situation as above but this animatic would be a college au ft. Steve's serial dating)

R: Rot by DBMK

(SUCH A STEVE SONG IF YOU LIKE STEVE BEING GUILTY/INSECURE OVER HIS OLD REPUTATION THIS IS THE THEME YOU NEED)

O: On and On by Djo

(i'll be honest this one is purely because it's by Djo but it's a good vibe!!)

U: Untouched by The Veronicas

(OKAY THIS ONE this one gets me it gives me pining and touch-starved friends-with-benefits steddie, the chorus goes so hard for me)

G: Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy by Queen

(it's by queen, it's called lover boy, need i say much more?)

H: Holding Out for a Hero by Adam Lambert

(i was struggling and went through charlie's wonderful playlist and was like oh OF COURSE how did i miss that?? but i went for this version because it really does remind me of steve back in the junkyard)

H: Here's to Being Single by Lost Stars

(ooooh this one!!! it makes me think of stobin lamenting over not being able to get their romantic relationships just right together)

A: Ashes (cover) by Lauren Babic

(again UGH this artist sings so beautifully and this cover really makes me think of the desolation spreading after season 4 and the whole UD gang doing their best to push it back)

W: When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going by Billy Ocean

(i imagine steve thinking about leaving hawkins often and listening to this song while he drops Dustin off just so he can daydream about it)

K: Kids In America by Kim Wilde

(more of a general UD gang vibe, like the camera cuts to each of them prepping for battle and then fighting against every UD creature that comes their way together)

I: (I Just) Died in Your Arms by Cutting Crew

(once again provided by charlie's playlist after i was struggling to find a good match, like hello self-sacrificial steve anyone)

N: Night Vision by Drives the Common Man

(i loooove the chorus in this, and it also makes me think of monster!steve which we know is what i'm all about)

S: Stranger Things by Survival Kit, IAMCOUCHSURF

(yeah this one was purely for the title, also more monster vibes ( •̀ ω •́ )✧)

i'm too tired to tag anyone so if you see this and wanna try it out yourself, consider this me tagging you!!

#sailor✧speaks #music #tag game #it sure would be embarrassing if i misspelled my username here hahaha

[jaynnie-jane]

For years I have asked my mum to "just listen".

She has wanted to finish my autism assessment (without me foing back) at the place that straight up verbally assulted me. I have continuously said to her "I don't want to give them money, I don't want to have anything to do with them".

She has constantly pushed to finish the process there. The other night I said "fine, it's your money, do what you want". But then I did some more reading about how other places assess autism.

The thing my therapist said to keep in mind while going through the process is that "this isn't to get a diagnosis, this is to help you understand what's going on".

Mum has been fixated on the diagnosis, despite my therapist AND doctor saying to her it's not about that.

Today was hard. Trying to say no to her in a way that she understands for a reason she is okay with is really hard. She believed that by me completing it through the current people she was "saving" me from further hurt. She wouldn't accept for what ever reason that what happened to me should never have happened, while also agreeing it was negligent.

We ended the argument with her saying "well you need to communicate better!".

A bit later I was reminded of just how solidly unheraing she is. I was mid league of legends game and she came in and said "can we talk?" My response was "I am mid game, I will come up when it's finished"... sure, I didn't say no and in retrospect I could have added a time estimate in there. Perspective taking after crying for an hour and while playing ARAM is not my strong suit.

Instead of saying "how long?" Or "no worries" she pushed it and tried to do it there and then...

I have spent so much of my life feeling hurt by and feeling guilty for being hurt by others. My early childhood was full of lessons about not challenging my parents in any way shape or form otherwise they would get upset.

So, over protected, taught to fear the world and taught never to upset my parents or else I would feel guilty for making mum feel like she had failed as a parent...

When that is considered it is little wonder to me that I have anxiety issues, general guilt for being alive and an innability to keep saying "no" when pushed by the ones I love.

Combine this with the amazing, attentive caregiver that mum was from 0-4 I also have freaking high resilience. When I fall in a heap, I'm still able to function in a very short period of time. Unfortunately that combo means that I consistently fall through the cracks of support frameworks.

I don't believe anyone owes me anything, and as difficult as it is I also believe that people have a right to change their minds .

I also believe that or relationships to work, you gotta stop overly protecting the people that you love and you absolutely need to be able to communicate openly when shit changes.

The MOST important thing I have learned is that we have to know how to take responsibility FOR hurting someone when we do. It doesnt matter if I ment to or not. I needed to learn how to hold that responsibility and that "sorry" just as well as I hold that compassion for myself of "I did the best I could".

So many people out there say that you should only apologise if you plan to change your behaviour.

My mum apologised for not letting me be the one to make the decision/ not hearing me/ being preoccupied with doing what she strongly believed was right. Do I expect or want her to change? No. I know that this behaviour comes from a good place (sure it makes it difficult at times for me). I don't want her to stop caring, I don't want her to feel as if she's not allowed to say anything. Would I like for her and I to be able to talk things through a little better? Absolutely!

I believe that every time it comes up, I can (and do) become a little more resilient to this specific behaviour. I also want to work on being a better advocate for myself in these types of relationships.

Awareness and working together is all I ever really want.

[piece-of-hweat]

Hi I'm back on my Little Nightmare bs again ODJSOID

SO, The Crane Wives' "Coyote Stories" and "Foxlore" albums remind me a lot of Mono and Six's silly little relationship, and now I'm here to ramble about it to you.

Never Love an Anchor - Coyote Stories This song, I've already had a storyboard ready for, but it's old as hell so I ain't showing it lmao The song feels like it's a song Six would sing (if she had the skills to L) to Mono, after The Fall(tm). "On some level I think I always understood that these hands of mine were clumsy not clever. And I tried to do the best that I could, but try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to hold you." I've always imagined that in canon (so not my personal feral-child-Six headcanon), Six has always struggled to show affection to people, especially after the events of The Nest. As a result, she's been very quiet and distant with Mono. I personally believe it's because she's become way too familiar with (always understanding, perhaps) people she's cared about meeting an unfortunate end by her "clumsy not clever" hands. She's scared to be friends with Mono, she's scared to hold him and his hand. And as much as she may try to overcome the fear, she could never "bring myself to hold you". "There's a secret I keep tucked inside my chest, with this heart that's guilty not remorseful." Six feels guilty for every misfortune that came to everyone. Raincoat girl, Mono, and most likely some more people. Of course, she wouldn't share this with anyone, they don't need to know, it'll forever be "a secret I keep tucked inside my chest". "There is love it doesn't have a place to rest- but it would've buried you if it settled on your shoulders." She does love people, there is that in Six, but she's afraid of showing that affection, because from her experiences- sharing that with anyone, Mono included, would've buried him alive. It would've hurt and most likely, killed him- at least that's what Six feels/understands. "On some level I think I always understood that a ship could never really love an anchor. So, I did the only thing that I could and severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbor." On some level, Six understood that she fucking sucks ass bro. Loving anyone like her is a death sentence, she'd lead anyone who wanted to be friends with her to their eventual demise, because that's all she's known. No one could really love an anchor who'd weigh them down beneath the waves and drown them. So, Six concludes that the only way to save them is to take the first step- to start removing the rope (bond) to set them free from her. (…) "And you'll never see the reasons I had for keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you." Mono will never, ever know the reasons as to why Six was so distant, because he's gone- and Six can't really… change that. I also wanna draw attention to the word "claws". Six sees herself as a dangerous monster, with claws and fangs and teeth so sharp it'd hurt anyone she met. She wants to keep Mono safe from her. (…) "Do you ever look at me and my two hands and wonder why they never soothed your fevers? And wonder why they never tied your shoes? And wonder why they never held you gently? And wonder why they never had the chance to lose you?" Six wonders if Mono ever wondered why she was so cold and quiet towards him, when he's been practically anything but mean to her. She wonders if he hates him for everything she's done, or more accurately- everything she hasn't done. Six wonders if Mono hates her for not showing him the kindness he showed her.

Okay that was... a lot. As you can see, this post only analyzed "Never Love an Anchor" from the Coyote Stories. This is simply because the original plan of analyzing three songs ("The Moon Will Sing" - Coyote Stories, and "Allies or Enemies" - Foxlore) wouldn't work out. I' may or may not make two other posts talking about the other two songs I had in mind. I'll probably make two other posts about the songs in the future. But for now, I'll leave you with that non-sense. Have a nice rest of your day/night!!

#tl;dr: Six is being a sad wet cat over her trash-fire life and friendship with Mono #little nightmares #little nightmares 2 #Welcome to me talking about random songs #little nightmares mono #little nightmares six #crane wives #I have no clue what I'm saying ngl-- /nsrs #hweat rambles

[adagioapassionato]

Thinking about...Reflection by RM.

I would today like to talk about the multiple ways in which ‘Reflection’ breaks my heart and what it means to me. I seriously cannot listen to it without feeling completely broken inside and wanting to cry because I hate that Namjoon has felt like this and I also hate that I know exactly the feeling he tries to portray here. I think the way this song is constructed is incredibly beautiful. Namjoon begins with the words "I know every life's a movie..." and the entire song is constructed exactly like a movie scene.

The song begins with background noise that sets the scene: a bar, noise, talking, and as the music begins to fade in, it’s as though a camera zooms in on Namjoon, who then begins a sort of monologue. "I know every life's a movie, we got different stars and stories..." Although he wants to continue “shooting the movie (of his life) well,” he can’t help but hate himself. It’s a beautiful way to describe attempts to ‘romanticise’ your loneliness. That’s something common people say these days – to ‘romanticise’ and fall in love with your alone time, pretending you’re a ‘main character’ in a movie or a story. However, doing this also overlooks the feelings of self-hatred that come with loneliness and make it hard to continue pretending your life is a movie. He goes on to talk about why he comes to this bar in Dduksum when he hates himself. It reminded me of going out and surrounding myself with people when I felt lonely, which hardly helped and often made me feel worse and even more like I didn’t fit in. However, doing this is something of a guilty pleasure – “when I hate myself I come to Dduksum...fear, which holds my hand/it's alright if everyone is in 2s and 3s/it's good that I have a friend too." Although he hates himself, although coming to a noisy bar reminds him of the very self-hatred and loneliness consuming him, he still returns each time he feels this way. He almost romanticises fear holding his hand as his only friend – as he tries to maintain this movie-like, romantic aura around his loneliness, he ends up creating an eerily sad image.

After he says this, the instrumental break is cinematic and adds further to conjuring a scene that seems to zoom out from Namjoon – the music is emotional and sad, creating the feeling of gazing on as the world passes by around you. We observe the whole scene of the bar while also focusing on Namjoon who is alone in a crowd, and how his fear, loneliness and pain are mixed in with the scene. In the following verses, he progressively breaks down and overthinks about his loneliness, getting further into his head. Where the first verse was like a slow description of his feelings, the second verse gets more desperate as the tone of his voice and his rap flow get louder and faster: "the world is just another name for despair/my height is a diameter of the earth/I'm all my joy and hate." He desperately describes how he feels too big for his body, too distant and out of place, an outsider and alone even when he surrounds himself with people. He captures loneliness accurately with heart-wrenching lyrics: “Everyone else knows where they’re supposed to be/But only I walk without purpose” “I want to be free/I want to be free from freedom.” Loneliness, being on your own, is often considered as you being ‘free’ to do what you want without being bound to anyone, but it can also be disorienting and feel like you’re suspended in time without an idea of where you want to go. The record scratch before the instrumental break is jarring here – it’s as though he is suddenly jerked out of his thought spiral and returns to a reflective state of watching the world pass by him in his loneliness.

The last verse, which contains only one line, is the most desperate of all: "I wish I could love myself." He repeats this over and over – a solution he knows would end these feelings, but one he simply doesn't know how to reach. He seems to rap this melodically, blurring the lines between whether he’s singing or rapping – creating further this dichotomy between romanticising and loving loneliness and screaming the pain that it brings. Then the music fades out as a camera would in a movie, zooming out of this sad, upset character to the general scene before it turns black and ends the song.

I've cried to this song playing on repeat, and it now brings that memory to mind. I interpret the song in this way because my emotions while listening to it progressed in much the same way. It reminds me of a day when I was slapped in the face by the realization that I. Didn’t. Have. Friends. To add insult to injury, I decided to listen to Reflection on repeat that day. I sat there sobbing my eyes out every time Namjoon said "I wish I could love myself," because God, I wished I could love myself, but how, when I felt like no one would ever love me? The instrumental break too, I sat sobbing as the ambient music of life passing by me played behind me. It was such a painful and heartrending experience that I don’t think I'll ever forget how understood I felt by the song. There are some days where I cannot bring myself to listen to it because it brings this feeling back to me. It's truly amazing how he captures one feeling in so many different ways and yet makes it so relatable for everyone. Thus, this song reflects my own feelings of loneliness, of being alone when surrounded by so-called friends, of watching the world pass happily by around you while you stay stuck in your head wishing that for once in your life that you could just be part of that world, but you can’t.

Reflection. You reflect and think a bit too much as the world passes by you. Reflection. You watch the world as though it is reflected in a mirror – it seems like you know it and recognise it like it’s facing you, but you still can’t touch it: it’s far away, distant, alien. This song breaks me so much that I often struggle to listen to it without feeling hurt and sad, but it is so beautiful, just like everything else Namjoon writes.

-a slightly old piece of writing, but this song means a lot to me. i hope you enjoy my take on it :)

References:

Reflection English Lyrics

#bts #namjoon #kim namjoon #rm #reflection #wings #writing #music #thinking about...music #adagio apassionato

[disorderly]

Its been said before, but I'll always hold a specific hatred for the idea that you should never leave a loved one behind. That there's shame or guilt associated with giving up on someone you love. That, no matter what the circumstances are, there is always a connection worth fighting for.

My dad would tell me after so many arguments growing up that he'd still show up in hell for me, and I found comfort in those words. As if no matter how terrible I was, no matter how terrible he thought I was, there was always someone who'd save me at my lowest point. What kid wouldn't? Who doesn't long to hear that someone has their back even in their darkest moments? But I felt comfort in it, even after he beat me down so far emotionally that picking up the pieces myself was hardly plausible. I felt that I was truly the terrible person my dad told me I was. That I should be grateful to be so vile of a person, but have someone there to fight for me despite it. And the only reason I felt dumb enough to believe he'd actually show up in hell for me every time he promised was because I was too young to realize he was my hell.

I started to associate love with a specific kind of forgiveness that has no limits. I created this idea in my head that most people who have gone through trauma have. It screamed love and abuse are two sides of the same coin. It screamed that without something to hate about yourself, there is no one else to pick you up. You're born broken, disgusting for every innocent mistake you make. And that you should kiss the sweet ass of anyone who will take you because no matter how much they remind you that you're broken, they're still willing to show up in hell for you. It was the only way to be towards others, too. If you'd show up in hell for me even though I'm unworthy, I must do the same for you no matter how cruel the things you say are. I adopted this guilt surrounding any sort of hatred I felt towards my dad. I felt guilty for hating him, because if at my worst, he'd show up in hell for me....then what's it say about me, if I no longer showed up for him? If I can be awful, terrible, a bad child...but be forgiven..? Well, that must mean he can be twice as bad and I too should show up and forgive him.

I had to start thinking, was it worth it? Who broke me in the first place? Is a child really born broken and bad....or is it the parent that instills that idea in them...and then tries to carry it out like they're some sort of saving grace in the end when they pick their child back up? Why break down what you're going to save? Well, it leaves someone reliant... and too guilty to leave. But would I want a man who has spent my whole life destroying me to suddenly turn around and decide it was time to defend me? No. Hate me for saying I'd rather stand in hell by myself, but I've realized I've been doing it all my life anyway. And don't cry to me when I don't show up in hell for you, because I'd rather feel guilty than spend time saving the person who destroyed me.

#vent #trauma vent #trauma #actually traumatized #childhood trauma #my writing #writing vent

[vanillawhiskeyflavoredkisses]

You know, when I first heard about claims of JD physically abusing AH (I think no joke, maybe 2019 was the first time I heard them? maybe even 2020? I was not a fan of either and don't follow celebrity news that closely, outside of a few specific individuals), I thought to myself, omg another man abusing a woman, thank God she spoke out.

Then I heard the rumblings about the UK trial. Again, not something I followed closely, so I didn't really know the full context of it.

Sometime between 2020-2021, during quarantine, I heard these on these three videos:

I didn't listen to the commentary (no offense, but when I'm trying to hear something, that irritates me, especially when it's peppered consistently in between, so I was thankful the poster put time stamps), I listened to the audio itself. While the template of the video as well as the description painted AH as the aggressive party, I came into it as objectively as possible, wondering how they could paint her in a bad light when it was JD allegedly physically abusing her.

And boy did it blow my mind.

I immediately heard the gaslighting, the talking in circles, the refusal to consider outside perspectives of these arguments (AH: 'I'm not fucking talking to nobody, you go jerk him off!'), the double standard bullshit (AH: 'and you hit back!' JD: 'I pushed you' AH: 'I'm not going to get into the details of that fight'), the fluctuating emotions and tones of AH, the push to make the other party feel guilty for trying to get away from the abuse, one party (JD) requesting the recordings after the other kept threatening regarding them & then the other (AH) getting defensive with 'I don't know how else to say I will to you' and then the turnaround 'I haven't because we have not been well, we have not been good' and then proceeding to tell him that when she moves out, if she moves out, then he'll have the recordings and he can relish them but he won't like how they sound and it won't make him happy. (this is such a roundabout way to get him to stop asking for the recordings, btw) I heard all of it.

From that moment on, I could no longer pretend I didn't hear what I had heard myself so many times in my life in the past. And JD's responses reminded me so much of myself: trying to keep my sanity, trying to talk to them calmly, trying to come to a logical solution, trying to say 'but you hurt me when you hit me and that's not okay', and all of it.

So even before this US trial, I knew. What I did hear and see in the US trial, though, only reaffirmed what I already knew to be true: Amber is a horrible person who abused many (not just JD, let's not forget this please), hid behind a powerful and impactful movement that was crucial for many survivors to come forward and tell their stories while holding their abusers & attackers accountable, just so she could take advantage and stand on its collective throat to amass more notoriety and sympathy, falsely stood for domestic violence and sexual assault survivors as a spokesperson knowing full well at the time that she had not experienced either in the relationship that she claimed it happened in, lied about her injuries and the details of the incidents while collecting narratives from others who had suffered such assaults which violated these people all over again, and single-handedly did damage to said movement she is still hiding behind and ensuring real survivors fearing coming forward in case their claims are now not to be believed should they not have full evidence of the abuse.

The fact that anyone would stand behind this horrible person just because of her gender or celebrity or whatever is just truly horrifying and sickening. You're empowering an abuser and you need to stop. Maybe you can turn a blind eye to what was shown visually in that court room, maybe you can turn a deaf ear to the recordings above (that she made herself btw, funnily enough), and maybe you can pretend that things like narcissistic abuse, psychological abuse, and women abusers don't exist in a physical and domestic capacity, but ultimately, she will show her true colors again. This will not be the last you hear of her being abusive (which saddens me greatly, no one deserves to be abused). And I'm not talking about her supposed planned appeal of the verdict. Being physically, verbally, and psychologically abusive is a behavioral pattern that she has in her relationships and has been documented even before JD. She may try to be more careful from now on, in the wake of all of this negative attention, but trust me, she will do this again. And it will keep happening until she finally takes accountability for her wrongdoings and gets the help she needs.

So for the love of every survivor out there, please stop empowering her. She needs to learn that this behavior is not okay and she needs to get help because I truly believe that while she knows she's lying and is maliciously using these claims for her own purposes and gain, a part of her really does believe some of the narrative she has come up with. And she doesn't see (or maybe chooses not to is a better way to describe it) just how much damage she's done, not only to those in her personal life and in her former relationships/friendships/working relationships and family, but also to many. She said it herself in her testimony, she has a platform and an opportunity to speak that not a lot of others have due to her chosen career path and influence. Not for nothing, but so did Hitler and Bin Laden and so does currently Trump and Putin. Am I saying she is as bad as those people? Obviously not; she is nowhere near them and I am not trying to compare apples to grapes. My point is, those who have a platform and influence, I do believe have a greater responsibility, and if they use it for the wrong things, that's just terrifying and nothing but damage and chaos can come from that.

So please, stop uplifting an abuser. She's done enough damage as it is. Enough is enough.

#from the bottom of my heart #i'm begging you #please stop supporting her #you're only making it worse #anti amber heard #amber heard is an abuser #amber heard is a liar #justice for johnny depp #justice for all dv and sa survivors everywhere #justice was served