#makes that feel really brave and like a big deal honestly. it's not blatant in the lyrics but that context

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Sat 23 Nov

DON'T LET IT BREAK YOUR HEART is out! Interesting facts, it's incredible and beautiful, it's so good, but also, it's a single version! So the album track will be a different version meaning I can both listen to this on repeat and be excited for it come out still damn. It dropped a few minutes before Louis sang it on X Factor, this weird trend is stressful like yes I got two hands! I can love all the boys all day long! But I only have one pair of eyes and ears okay? Anyway so basically all at once, TV appearance, lyric video, general release. Also: stunning pictures courtesy of iHeart (who gave us an interview about Louis' new single WMI today, I guess we're just having overlapping promo, or promo focus staying on WMI which I was kind of thinking might happen tbh but we'll see) and a creepy cute filtered sibling vid via Lottie. Also TXF official Twitter referred to Louis as a cherry, I'm just gonna chose to take that as weighing in on the Fine Line stunting discourse don't try to talk me out of it.

Look obviously that's the biggest news of the day but GUYS NIALL SAID PRINCESS PARK WAS HAUNTED! Question, what's with these guys and haunted houses and should we be getting more literal about Two Ghosts?! (As for Habit, idek, I need more time for that analysis.) He described seeing (what I'm hearing described as) the Babadook lurking in his hall. It didn't scar him too badly though, just yesterday he said his biggest fears are claustrophobia, yep, and "putting shows on sale and them not selling," which has a rather 'hahaha JK! ...sort of...' kind of vibe, oof babe. He says he'll do some sketches for his SNL appearance in a few weeks but he doesn't know any details yet, and posted his daily chart watch and encouragement to buy and stream NTMY but today's had a change: you can see that he finally purchased the song himself!

The Fine Line writing credits are up, and Liam performed Stack It Up on Michael McIntyre’s Big Show! Sadly this was at the exact same time as Louis was on the X Factor so on the one hand, nice for UK channel flippers! But otoh see above re: how many sets of eyes and ears I have y'all! Inconsiderate. Anyway he looked nice and sounded great.

#more thoughts: official lyric is THEY LET you go meaning that the HE LETS was a lyric change. it was not casual #it was very clearly enunciated and he tried it out in lyric check but then didn't end up doing it at a show he was visibly nervous at #but then did do it at the next show where he was super comfortable and chill. i think knowing that the official version is they #makes that feel really brave and like a big deal honestly. it's not blatant in the lyrics but that context? it feels like a Thing💙 #also! they didn't use the yellow color coding for this single. but they also didn't NOT do it #they just skipped that altogether. so okay. for the last two releases he wore matching shirts and he didn't wear bright yellow today #but he also didn't NOT wear yellow like. it's not orange or red? TXF backgrounds were... very gold. all very suspic #Louis Tomlinson #Niall Horan #Niall #Liam #Harry #Louis #I've heard Niall tell that story before but i don't think we knew it was princess park? or we just didn't care before Habit? #idk #AS FOR HARRY. yes Camille does have a minor role in a film being released next week. I'm also very interested in the suggestion that they're #leaning hard on the ex girlfriend talk as a substitute for him having to actively stunt this album cycle. I'll be interested to see #fine line #michael mcintyre #sbb #princess park #haunted real estate #the babadook #23 Nov 19 #i told my friend earlier i was becoming a houie to distance myself from embarrassing dlibyh license plate theories #and she was like i dare you to say that in the discourse post! but nah that's too much discourse for me. not til April 1 😜 #until then i remain. sincerely yours: a larrie

[blazeperalta]

Hindsight 20/20

A week after Jake leaves for his undercover mission, Amy can't help but vent to her colleagues about how a certain someone's feelings have left her questioning everything.

I wanted to contribute something to this super creative fandom. I have no idea if it’s any good but I had fun writing it. Hopefully someone else enjoys it! :) https://archiveofourown.org/works/19192810 (AO3 link)

Amy Santiago has always prided herself on being good at keeping secrets.

It’s probably a skill that comes with being one of eight siblings, and the only girl at that, because keeping secrets about one brother from another was just a part of growing up. Keeping secrets from her parents was a big no-no. And her teachers. And her Captains, obviously. But anyone that is not keeping a secret from a superior has every reason to expect said secret to be well and truly safe.

Which is why it’s such a surprise when one week after Jake left for his undercover mission, she spills her heart out to Rosa, Boyle and Gina about something she thought would be just as much of a shock to them as it was to her.

Apparently not.

The precinct’s been feeling off for the last week. As annoying and obnoxious as Peralta was (is, she reminds herself), his voice and his bets and his antics and his general being just brought a specific type of energy to the Nine-Nine. She’s experienced the lull on the very limited times he’s taken a sick day in the last 3 years she’s known him, not to mention the short time he just had off after getting suspended. But back then she’d always known he’d be back. Now he’s working with the freaking Mafia. It’s a big deal and she’s happy for him of course and when she first found out about it all she could really think about was the amount of bragging she’d have to put up with when he gets back. But after her conversation with him right before he left, all she can do now is worry about him.

If something bad goes down.

Evidently, the rest of the squad feel the same way because after a full Jake-less week at work they all agree for a few drinks at Shaw’s to get drunk and vent any worries that comes with one of your colleagues getting fake-fired and going undercover with a strict ‘no contact’ rule and hanging out with a bunch of criminals that can kill him at any second and oh God she suddenly can’t breathe again.

So she’s been sitting there pretty numb ever since they’ve arrived and has been silently sipping on her beer. She also knows Teddy’s been texting her asking if she’s still heading over to his apartment tonight but she can't bring herself to text back. Which is wrong, she's aware, but she’s enjoying half-listing to the conversation the others are having about Jake (they haven’t really expressed any worries since they got here - it’s mainly just reminiscing about the ridiculous things he did before he left).

But then Holt goes home to his husband, Terry to his family, Hitchcock and Scully to whatever it is that Hitchcock and Scully do, and Amy still can’t bring herself to go to Teddy’s. Out of guilt she sends him a quick text saying she doesn’t feel well after drinks and is heading to her own place. Teddy of course texts back with an “I understand. Feel better” and it only makes her feel worse for lying to her perfect boyfriend.

“You’re being quiet, Santiago”. Rosa’s abrupt voice snaps her out of her own thoughts and she glances up from her phone.

“Sorry,” Amy replies.

“That wasn’t a complaint”.

Amy looks around the table at the remaining members of the squad and is suddenly mindful of the fact that they all look concerned for her. It puts her at ease slightly. These people will understand what she’s going through. Holt and Terry care a great deal about Jake. She knows they see him as a son, whether they want to or not, but at the end of the day they both have a spouse - someone else to vent to. And she doesn’t feel like this is something she can vent to Teddy about

Gina of all people gives her a sympathetic look. “Ames, Jake leaving sucks balls but we’re all here for the same reason.”

“Yeah, I don’t know who I am without Jake!” Charles is heading towards hysteria again. She’s seen it a lot from him this past week. “I need a shoulder to cry on! And because I don't have Jake’s broad shoulders, you three are going to have to do!”.

Rosa pipes in again, this time in a softer voice. Well, as soft as Rosa can sound anyway. “Yeah. Look, as much as I hate…feelings. The last thing I want is for you to have a breakdown in the middle of work because you haven't dealt with what’s going on. So suck it up, man.”

Amy risks another glance at her colleagues. Gina wasn’t supposed to find out about the undercover mission but somehow figured it out anyway. She's Jake's oldest friend -known him since they were children and she stood up for him when one of the other kids stole his inhaler - Gina knew him too well to think he cut her out of his life just because he got fired. Rosa was Jake’s closest friend in the Academy; both brilliant at the time but not nearly as brilliant as they are now, and Amy knows her friendship is a big reason why Jake made it through. Charles became like Jake's brother when they were both already detectives. He always thought the world of Jake, and Amy suspects that feeling has since become mutual.

They were all Jake’s partners in some way, shape or form throughout all the most important moments in his life. And they’ve lost him for an undisclosed amount of time too. Now Amy’s definitely feeling brave.

She exhales, dragging out the pause for as long as possible. “Right before Jake left…he told me something that kind of threw me.”

She expects them to jump in - as the Nine-Nine is known to do - but they all just stare at her, eyebrows raised and drinks on the table.

“He told me he liked me. Romantic-stylez”

Rosa’s face doesn't give much away but Amy thinks she sees her eyes widen a fraction. Gina silently sips her wine while giving Amy a knowing look. And Charles—

“HE TOLD YOU??”

All of a sudden, Amy’s jaw drops. So much for being numb. “You knew?”

“Of course I knew! Who do you think urged him to ask you out?”

“He didn’t ask me out”

“Oh, my sweet naive Amy. You have no idea what you have put that boy through in the last few months.”

The words exchanged with Charles has left Amy pretty much speechless. Here she’s been feeling bad because she thought she was spilling this big secret that was supposed to be between her and Jake. Apparently Charles already knows, and Jake tried to ask her out?

Rosa and Gina were watching the whole interaction while casually sipping on their respective drinks and enjoying the free show. It piques her interest.

“Did you guys know?”

At that, Gina finally puts her glass down and licks the last remaining drops of red wine off her lips.

“No offence ‘cause you're a good detective, but I think you're the only one who didn’t, boo.”

“Wait, so he told everyone except me?”

“He didn't have to. I think the only person he actually told was Ter-bear. Everyone else kind of figured it out.”

Rosa, never one to skirt around a subject, asks the question that has been on Amy’s mind for the last seven days, “You really didn’t know?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean Gina’s right, you’re a good Detective. And Jake’s been openly flirting with you since you started working with him.”

“Okay, that’s not fair. Jake and I never even got along when I first started at the Nine-Nine, and there’s a difference between flirting and bickering. He's like that with everyone.”

Rose scoffs, “he’s not like that with me.”

“Or me.”

“Or me”, Charles sounds sad for some reason.

“Look”, Rosa continues, “Don’t worry about it too much. I’ve known Jake a long time and he’s never going to do something to make you feel uncomfortable. If he does, tell me and I’ll kick his ass."

“No, you’re right. I’m not worried about that.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, I’m just shocked. How long has he even felt this way?”

“Longer than he realised,” Charles butts in, “but he didn’t admit it until you ran into Teddy at Tactical Village."

Everyone gives him a look.

“Oh, was that a rhetorical question?”

“Yep,” says Rosa.

“Dammit!”

“So what exactly did he tell you?” Amy never took Rosa as the type that was invested in her friends’ personal lives, but maybe she cares more than she normally lets on.

“He saw me and walked over and made a joke. Normal Jake stuff at first. Then he suddenly seemed nervous so I asked what was wrong. He said he knows I’m with Teddy and he didn’t want to be a jerk but that he wished something had happened between us…romantically. And that he would be pissed at himself if he hadn’t told me and something bad happens while he’s undercover.”

She’s paraphrasing like she hasn’t had every single word he said memorised verbatim from the second they crossed his lips.

“What happened after that?” Charles asks with freakin’ tears in his eyes as if he’s just watched the cheesiest proposal video on YouTube.

“He just left. Didn’t even give me a chance to respond.”

“Well what would you have said, girl?” Asks Gina.

“I don’t know”, Amy admits. “I was so shocked. I always thought the teasing and banter were just some sort of competitive part of his personality. Now I can’t help but think of every interaction we’ve had ever since I’ve met him and pick it apart. I mean this is Jake Peralta we’re talking about! I didn’t know he had feelings!”

This time, it’s her turn to be the recipient of judging looks.

“You know what I mean.”

“Amy,” Charles sincerely looks at her, “I honestly think he’s the greatest person who ever lived. But Jake’s never been great at emotions. I had to basically spell it out for him that night he won the bet and took you out on that date.”

“Yeah”, Gina quips “If the blatant flirting wasn’t enough of a clue, fake-proposing to you and spending a fortune that he didn’t have on a bet where his prize was literally a date with you kind of gave it away.”

“Oh, God”. She spreads her arms out on the sticky table that must not have been cleaned all day, getting whatever alcohol has accumulated since on her fancy new blouse, and lets her head fall onto them.

The relief team. She knew he turned down the relief team. She remembered thinking it was weird at the time, and he never brought it back up which was even weirder. She remembers how upset he got when she told him she might be moving to Major Crimes. She remembers that he framed a picture of the two of them and put it next to his desk. She remembers that he wrote her a recommendation letter. She remembers it still goes on the good date list and it sucks a little less when I get to do it with you and you look great.

And now that she thinks back, maybe he did look a little bummed when she told him she was going out with Teddy and when she told him she’s going away for the weekend with Teddy and when she said she wanted to take a dance class with Teddy. She’s thinking back to every interaction she’s had with Jake in the last few months and hates herself for it. She knows she shouldn’t. She hasn’t done anything wrong, point blank. But Jake’s her partner. Her friend. The person that makes her laugh more than anyone in the world (though she wouldn’t admit it) and she hates that she hurt him - intentionally or not. Jake having feelings for her is the last thing she wants, but it’s also surely the last thing he wants too. It’s inconvenient and messy and things will probably be awkward when he gets back. And she knows it’s a long wait until then.

“I juuuu vaa to tallll to hii abooo id n i cannn”

“What?” Rosa sounds annoyed. “Get your head off the table”.

Amy shoots her head back up. She looks pained; her brow’s furrowed and her frown prominent.

“I just want to talk to him about it and I can’t.”

It’s normal for Gina to give her a look of pity, but Charles? She’s feeling really pathetic right now. Rosa’s face remains indecipherable but Amy knows.

“I guess I’m also pretty mad at him for dropping this bomb on me when he knew he was leaving.”

“I get that.” Rosa admits, “Jake could have handled this better. But I think if he wasn’t going undercover, he would have taken this secret to his grave. At least as long as you’re with Teddy. The undercover thing was probably the push he needed. It sucks for you, but people do crazy shit when the stakes are high.”

“Okay, it wasn’t like an admission of love or anything, it was admitting to a crush. He’ll probably come back with a girlfriend having forgotten all about it.”

There’s that look of pity again.

And when he eventually comes back six months later and she tells him she's still with Teddy, he tries to take back what he said. Which hurts her feelings for some reason. But he gives her that look. She knows that look now; recognises it from the other times she mentioned her boyfriend. Hindsight 20/20 and all that. Later that same day he takes it back again and tells her he meant it and he still does, but he respects her relationship with Teddy.

It’s frustrating and infuriating and it confuses her to no end. It takes an undercover mission and a further six months away from everything he knows for Jake to fully admit his feelings.

It takes Amy a lot more than that to admit hers.

#b99 #peraltiago #fics

[onlydogscanhearme]

Breaking Free (Roger/Brian)

Summary: Roger has been keeping his darkest desire a secret, until John finds the clothes he’d thought he’d hidden so well. Warnings: Roger wearing women’s clothing, feminization, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending. Chapters: 3/? Links: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, AO3

“Where do I start?”

“Well,” Freddie said kindly, leaning back and crossing his legs, “you can start with me.”

It was daunting, talking about it for the first time. It wasn’t a conversation that Roger had ever had before and he had no idea where to start. How was he supposed to look his best friend in the eye and tell him that he liked dressing in women’s clothing?

“How did it start?”

Roger tried his best to not shrug in immediate response and push the query aside. It was a good question, but honestly Roger had no clue.

“I don’t know,” he finally said. “I knew I was bisexual when I was a teenager, but I hid it for so long. I had to, living at home with my dad. When I went to uni, I finally let myself explore. Just looking at guys, you know? Flirting a little more openly, dancing with them in clubs after a few drinks. And then I met you.” Roger looked up and smiled softly at Freddie.

“You and I opened that stall in the market and I started to want more of all the things I’d never been allowed. I started letting myself want more. Bright colours, bold patterns. I grew my hair our and started wearing skin-tight stuff. Staying out later and later, going on date after date. And then there was Tim.”

Freddie bristled at the name of Roger’s ex and Roger dropped his gaze again. “Well, one night about six months into our relationship, he took me to this little pub, out of the way on the other side of High Street, where all the staff were… well, you know. Like me. But even more so. They were fully made-up and I’m pretty sure half of them dressed up all the time. They looked so natural and so at ease in their dresses and makeup. They were just so beautiful, all of them; so delicate and so soft. No judgement, no questions. I wanted it. It hit me like a fucking train. I wanted that look, that image. Didn’t know which part I wanted more; I just knew I wanted it all.”

Roger bit his lip, suddenly fascinated by the swirls of milk in his mug. “I don’t think Tim had a motive for taking me to the bar. Not right at the beginning, anyway. He’d never hinted that he wanted a girlfriend, or that he wanted me to change in any way. But, I don’t know. Things just never really felt right after I’d found that place. Or found that need, I guess. Tim started to make comments when he noticed something was off, just here and there. Nothing major or too direct to start with, but… well. You knew him. You know what I’m talking about.”

Roger gave a self-deprecating chuckle and Freddie reached out to take his hand. Tim had turned out to be a bit of a shit-head and Freddie had taken the brunt of the breakup. “The clothes started, well I let it start, when we broke up. I went back to that pub that night we saw Tim with the guy from the front desk at the library, remember?”

Quirking a slight smile at the venom in Freddie’s eyes, Roger squeezed his friend’s fingers. It looked like Freddie remembered that day all too well – it had only been about three weeks after Roger and Tim had called off their relationship and it had shaken Roger pretty badly. Enough that he’d fallen into quite a few beds in the following weeks and spent more than one night hunched over the toilet with tears falling down his cheeks and John holding his hair up out of the way.

“Well, I went that night and started talking to a couple of waiters,” Roger continued. “They were all really nice to me and I found myself wanting to spill all of my secrets. I felt encouraged, you know? Brave. Like I could actually do something that I wanted after so long of having to check every small decision. The next day I got the train to Manchester and bought a skirt from a little boutique there. It was only cheap and didn’t exactly fit right, but it was mine. I could put it on and feel…”

Roger shrugged and took his hand out of Freddie’s grip, falling back on the sofa and sighing. “I don’t know, really. Free, I suppose. Pretty, definitely. I’d brush my hair and put stuff on my lips; pretend I was something more than boring old Roger Taylor, university dropout and parental disappointment.”

Freddie reached out swiftly and kicked Roger on the shin. “You’re a lot more than that, arsehole.”

“Oh darling,” Roger clasped a hand over his heart, “you say the sweetest things.”

Freddie kicked him again and Roger’s smile became a little more real. He took a sip from his mug and licked his lips.

“You really want to do it for a video?”

Freddie nodded thoughtfully as he settled back in his chair, lifting his leg and tucking it up underneath him. “I think so. I know I just said it to cover you, but I think we could pull it off. Only if you think you can do it, darling. I would never make you do it if you didn’t–”

“I know, Fred. I know.” There was a comfortable silence in the room for a long moment before Roger sighed. “I have to tell him, don’t I?”

It was hardly even a question, but Freddie nodded anyway. Roger sighed again and set down his mug on the coffee table, running a hand through his hair.

“Fuck. Haven’t even got my good-luck underwear cause I’m pretty sure I last saw them hanging over Deacy’s arm.” Roger heard the laugh that Freddie tried to bite back and gave him a tired smile. “You coming with me?”

Freddie returned his smile and blew him a kiss. “Always.”

/

Roger didn’t think he’d ever felt so nervous in all his life. And wasn’t that just ridiculous? It was only Brian, after all. His best friend of however many years; his bandmate, his boyfriend. If Roger believed in soulmates then he might even go as far as to say that Brian was his. There was no way that Brian would ridicule him or reject him, right? Brian loved him. But would he believe him?

Roger hadn’t actually been with a woman since he and Tim broke up, but he had been somewhat of a playboy before that. Maybe Brian thought that Roger was going back to that lifestyle, had gotten bored of their relationship and been unfaithful. Not that Roger would ever do that. No, what he did was even more fucked up than that.

Roger stood outside his flat, hand raised to knock but not actually moving. God, this was his fucking house and yet he was struggling to open the door and walk inside. He didn’t have to knock to go into his house, surely. The longer he stood there, the more time he had to think about what he was actually doing. Which was confessing his deepest and darkest secret to the love of his life. No big deal.

Roger took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He was being such an idiot, standing on the doorstep to his own damn house when he didn’t even know if Brian was home. As soon as he pushed open the door it became clear that yes, Brian was home because there was the other man sitting on the sofa. He was wearing worn jeans and a baggy maroon sweater, his feet bare and most of his hands covered by the long, woolly sleeves. If it had been any other day, Roger wouldn’t have hesitated in running forward and throwing himself at his boyfriend looking so invitingly comfy, but today his feet were planted firmly on the floor.

“Hey.”

Brian didn’t startle at Roger’s voice, but simply lifted his head slowly and gave a small smile. Something loosened in Roger’s chest at that and he swallowed thickly.

“Hey, Rog. I didn’t know if you’d be coming… well.” Brian cleared his throat and licked his lips. “I see you found some clothes last night, then.”

Roger nodded, glad for the excuse to look down as he tugged at his shirt. “Yeah, well. You know Fred. I think we each have enough clothes at each other’s places to move in.”

“That’s true.”

They lapsed into silence once more. Roger hovered awkwardly by the door before he finally let out a deep sigh and walked into the living room.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry – what?” Roger cut himself off when Brian’s words registered and he stared at his partner like he’d gone mad.

“Are you okay?” Brian repeated, brow furrowing in concern. “You ran out of here so quickly yesterday. Are you feeling any better?”

Roger’s heart swelled at the blatant concern in Brian’s voice and he swallowed thickly as he lowered himself into the armchair.

“I’m okay,” he promised, only half-lying. He wasn’t the best he could be, but he didn’t feel as sick as he had done last night. With Brian looking at him like he always did, so openly and longingly, Roger felt a strange burst of confidence.

“I’m sorry for running out,” he continued. “I just – I couldn’t, I needed to…”

When he trailed off, Brian gave a half-smile. “I know. And it’s okay; I had John.”

“Right.” At the mention of his friend, Roger began to feel the nerves fluttering in his stomach again. “Is he…”

“Confused.” Brian’s smile fell flat and he lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Like me. Very confused. Hurt. Trying not to jump to the very worst conclusions.”

Roger flinched and stared down at the ground intently, looking at the patterned carpet without actually seeing anything.

“What did you come to?” he finally made himself ask, voice hoarse and not really sounding anything like his.

Brian let out a slow breath. “It looks like…” he sighed as he broke off and Roger waited, his heart nearly beating right out of his chest, “like you’re cheating on me.”

Roger had almost known that that was coming, but it was still a punch to the chest. He didn’t bear look at the other man and instead let himself fall forward as though his strings had been cut. Bracing his elbow on his knee, Roger dropped his head into his palm where the tears started to fall. It was a wonder that he actually had anything let to cry, but somehow he managed.

His heart twisted at the thought of cheating on Brian, or maybe at the thought of Brian thinking him capable of cheating. That was probably what hurt the most; Brian had been there to witness Roger’s lifestyle after his breakup with Tim, but for whatever Roger had done, he was never disrespectful. And all of the bed-hopping had all stopped from the moment that Roger had begun to realise he’d been feeling something deeper towards Brian anyway. Just the mere thought of cheating on Brian was enough to make Roger want to hurl. There was just no way.

But maybe it was easier to let Brian think that than have to come forward with the God’s honest truth.

Roger buried his face in his hand as his shoulders shook. God, he felt like shit. He was such a shit boyfriend, such a useless and worthless friend. More thoughts began to race through his head, all as self-deprecating as the last. They were poison, dripping with venom like tentacles of a monster wrapping around him and holding him tight.

Roger jolted when he felt the cushion beside him dip and an arm curl around his shoulders to pull him against a warm body. He started to lean into the touch before he registered the familiar scent and he pulled away to blink up at Brian.

“What?”

Brian reached up slowly and brushed away a few tears dripping down Roger’s cheeks. “You’re crying, Rog. You really think I’m going to stay over there?”

Roger sniffed loudly and a fresh wave of tears hit him. Brian reached up and cupped the back of his head, fingers tangling in long blond hair as he guided Roger to lean on his shoulder. The gentleness of the embrace made Roger cry even more and he lifted his hands to clutch at Brian’s sweater. He curled his fingers into fists as he choked back sobs, feeling more pathetic with each passing minute. Brian didn’t loosen his hold, merely stroking Roger’s back and swaying them slightly where they sat.

The minutes passed in silence before Roger finally tried to pull away, having had enough embarrassment for one day. Anyway, the longer he spent in Brian’s arms the harder it would be to pull away when Brian inevitably broke up with him.

Pulling away was also a lot less painful than being pushed.

“Hey,” Brian whispered, his hand cupping Roger’s cheek and wiping away even more tears. Christ, where the hell were they all coming from? “Talk to me. Please, Rog. I hate seeing you like this. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m not cheating on you.” Roger wet his dry lips and tried to swallow around the lump in his throat before he spoke again, voice hoarse. “I promise, Bri, I’m not. I wouldn’t.”

“I didn’t want to think you were. I didn’t really, I just – well. It was hard to think of another reason. I didn’t want to–”

“I know.” Roger swallowed again, barely holding it together. “But I’m not, I swear. I wouldn’t, Bri. Baby, I love you. I love you so much.”

Brian surged forward and wrapped his arms around Roger once more.

“I know,” he said into Roger’s hair. His fingers were curled tight enough to hurt, but Roger loved the feeling. He wanted the pain, wanted to know that Brian was there and holding him. “And I love you, angel. Talk to me. Roger, please.” Brian’s voice wobbled and Roger was struck by the desperation he heard there. “Nothing can be this bad, nothing.”

And Roger wanted to believe him; he really, really did. But he’d heard so many horror stories at the club and, on top of that, he’d had so many years of his dad spitting filth and beating him down. Roger wanted to trust Brian, but he couldn’t just expect the man to be okay with something like this. Not many people were that accepting of things they couldn’t – or wouldn’t – understand.

Brian pulled away and, though Roger longed to follow the embrace, he let him go, teeth digging into his bottom lip in a weak attempt to keep in his whine. Holding his boyfriend’s gaze, Roger took a deep breath. His heart was thudding and his hands shaking. He didn’t dare move, didn’t even blink as Brian cupped his face once again, thumb sweeping softly over his cheek.

“It’s me, Rog. You can tell me anything.”

“They’re mine.” The world seemed to stop as soon as the words left Roger’s mouth. “The clothes.” Whose voice was that? Roger barely recognised it. “The skirt. The bra. They belong to me. They’re mine.”

Silence. It stretched on and on, only broken by Roger’s choking breaths and the occasional sniff from Brian. Their gazes were still locked as though they could never look away. Brian didn’t say anything for a long time, nor did he stop the gently stroking of his thumb. His other hand lifted to cup Roger’s other cheek as he gave the tiniest hint of a smile.

“Okay, sweetheart,” he said quietly, so softly, “it’s okay.”

#my writing #breaking free #roger taylor #brian may #freddie mercury #brian may imagine #roger taylor imagine #rogerina taylor #rogerina #john deacon #queen fic #maylor #maylor fic #maylor fic rec #brian may x roger taylor

[mannatea]

incoherent ranting below

so i’ve been in this constant ‘i hate men’ mood for like, weeks, probably because a coworker of mine works nights at the bar sometimes and men are unsurprisingly disgusting and hateful creatures who prey on women who dare to exist in any space, especially if that space is one that demands she serve him in any capacity, no matter how professional

and i realized something i hate about shows that are dark & gritty and claim to be (by the fans or creators) “realistic for the time” which of course everyone wants to claim = superior writing

first of all NO it’s not better just because it’s “realistic” and LOL at “life just blew chunks back then that’S JUST HOW IT WAS” like??? can we stop pretending that everyone was miserable always that’s your shitty modern air conditioning loving ass talking through your overlarge facehole. 

secondly history is written by the winners, which we know, so we mostly have rich white men who obviously still don’t have a fuCKING CLUE what goes on in their OWN GODDAMN HOMES let alone what goes on around them like are we really going to believe that what they say was real was not only real for them but like, commonplace???? lol

but even if a show managed to be 100% historically accurate, there’s no need to adhere to history because (and CHECK THIS OUT, it’s WILD) this is

a

fictional

fucking

story!!!!!!!!

anyway what i hate about gritty grimdark “”””realistic”””” pieces of media is this: 

i’m tired of them!!!!!!!!!!

and hey, maybe because they all subscribe to the same newsletter, which has some kind of nutty philosophy: to be dark and gritty we gotta deal with Controversial Awful Topics preferably in ways that feel like they cOULD be historically accurate just to acCENTUATE how terrible life can be

like man i love realism as much as the next guy, but when it’s piled on too thick it’s just a drag to stick with, you know???

i watch a mediocre tv show that wants very badly to be a wholesome family western drama. it’s called when calls the heart and it lacks diversity. it lacks good writers. it lacks a good budget. it has its good moments of course. there are some amazing characters, some lovely moving scenes... but it’s not The Family Western Drama, and so a number of fans put it down because they think it ought to be more like The Family Western Drama of the 90s: dr. quinn medicine woman. 

which was one helluva brave show for its time!! don’t get me wrong here. it dealt with scary topics for the 90s: homophobia, racism, domestic violence, and the most controversial topic they dealt with (according to lashback from viewers): hitting children is abuse.

but the characters in dr. quinn are downright HATEFUL when you look away from the main cast and their bffs. the townsfolk are all extremely racist, bigoted, sexist, violent, women-hating pigs who want to shoot literally everyone for any possible reason they can come up with. they don’t change. all they do is hate, have an episode arc of learning something or maybe some backstory that makes you feel something for them, and they go right back to being hateful again. 

and look, i do wish wcth had more courage. i do. i rEALLY do. the structure is sound. it could be so good if it tried and it had the budget. but it doesn’t, and it isn’t, and honestly? i’m okay with that.

sometimes it’s nice to have a piece of media where the men aren’t all irredeemable fuckwads!!! where i can pretend the town is made up of open minded loving people who usually mean well and aren’t hateful!

it’s soothing to watch a show where i don’t have to see men treating women with blatant disrespect, where i don’t have to look at them being viewed by the characters as property. where the saloon in the show DOESN’T HAVE whores at all, let alone whores that are OWNED BY THE OWNER and regularly treated like shit throughout the series. 

like look i get it, yall like dr. quinn cause it’s “”””realistic”””” but it’s hard to enjoy a show that’s just more of the same irl stuff i deal with AND it never gets better AND the characters all remain civil and friendly AND it’s just accepted that that’s how those characters are AND--

i mean, i get having to be civil to your neighbors because you’re the town doctor and this is now your home and you have kids to take care of!! but how can you love a town where nearly everyone in it wants your cheyanne friends dead and would shoot them themselves if given half a chance? like, i can’t love that town. and i want to love a town a tv show centers around.

gilmore girls featured stars hollow and it was a nice town. not everyone was wholesome and good but there were people to like. the town means something to the characters = it should mean something to me by proxy. who didn’t fall in love with avonlea in anne of green gables, right? hope valley is likable. colorado springs in dr. quinn is not. it’s hateful.

anyway i just wanted to vent. dr. quinn is a decent show. sometimes it’s really good. but most of the time i just sit there and prefer mediocrity. i want to like the town! i want to like the featured male characters! i want to like the world these characters come from, even if it’s not always kind to them. but in dr. quinn it’s like??? i can’t. i hate the town. it’s shit.

as a writer i want flaws. i like seeing characters change and evolve. but in dr. quinn it’s like they don’t ever change. they’re still nasty and evil and willing to turn on one another at the drop of a hat. the fans say it’s good, realistic writing. i say it’s trash writing on a good budget. again, “””dark””” material doesn’t make the writing good. if i’m gonna watch mediocrity i’d rather it be something that gives me characters and a town i enjoy seeing on the screen, even if it’s “not realistic” or “fake.”

and like, i’ve dissed when calls the heart for trying too hard to be “feminist” and accidentally going in the other direction, but at least they made an effort? at least they tRIEd to give us strong characters? sure they failed and disappointed me but i can tell there was an effort. and their failure generally didn’t ruin the characters for me, either.

it’s painful watching dr. mike forgive the evils of her fellow townspeople every single episode only for them to be fine letting her or her kids or her beau or the cheyanne or the immigrants die because of one (1) minor thing happening

(and hey i know shit like typhus was a big deal but maybe actually write the fear in there and make a real episode about it? it stops meaning something when your characters fly off the handle about lITERALLY everything. like at this point neal and i start a new episode with: who’s gonna be irredeemably evil today? hank, jake, or loren?)

dEEP BREATH

maybe i’m being a little unfair. it’s interesting to have a town of characters where some are just completely terrible people and that’s just how it is because they’re There and It’s Their Town Too and so on.

but that doesn’t mean i want to watch it. and i don’t think it necessarily means it’s a better written show, either. it’s just exhausting to me. i don’t need to see more anger. i’m tired of it. it’s everywhere.

okay okay at its core this was a rant about the bullshit fake ass “realistic media” = better media thing but also...

why would i want to subject myself to 30104012 hours of nonstop violence against women, when it’s been a part of my everyday life from the moment i stepped out of the womb?

no thanks. i hate men as a general rule but i like to indulge in the fantasy that there could be a town made up of mostly good ones!! so sue me if it means i like a shittier piece of media!! i don’t care!! I DO NOT CARE!!! i just want to think ‘hey this is a nice place these people live in and everyone has their faults but they’re not waving guns around beating up people.’

i literally don’t care how “unrealistic” that makes the show. do not care. i give...no fucks about that. let me indulge.

and also, you know what? other shows were brave in the 90s, too, but i don’t see people talking about touched by an angel even though it handled all the same topics that dr. quinn medicine woman did AND MORE

lol but i guess it’s embarrassing to admit you got something out of tbaa huh

again, don’t get me wrong. there are things i enjoy a LOT about dqmw. but boy does it piss me off to see wcth compared to it as if dqmw is this paragon of good writing that all other period dramas must aspire to, and if you don’t do literally all of these grimdark things that dqmw did, you’re not good enough...is just so exhausting. there’s nothing wrong with a show choosing to skirt the horrible things for a lighter fare. sometimes that’s just what the audience needs.

and like lmao none of this is real it’s ALL MADE UP!!!!! so who cares if abigail’s a female mayor in 1915 like

that’s the magic of fiction, babe!!!!

#feminism and women's studies #thoughts about writing #i edited like 5 times in 3 minutes i'm the worst

[catlinblogs]

HOW AND WHY YOU’RE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND WHY YOUR HEART IS SO AMAZING

I have always lived my life in a very black-or-white way:  something is either 100% right and correct or 100% wrong. Easily one of the hardest parts of growing up and being exposed to new people, cultures, and values, for me was learning that a gray space (usually) exists. That is to say that something can be both right and wrong at the same time, or exist somewhere on a right-to-wrong continuum.

This is inevitably why some people can justify actions that so many others identify as unfair or wrong. That said, when somebody’s actions negatively affect you in a big way, regardless of whether it’s physically or mentally, I don’t give a fuck what anybody says: the offender is dead wrong. Here’s why:

You are a living, breathing, worrying, loving, scared yet brave, amazing masterpiece of a person. You have value, you are worth more than you will ever know. You deserve to be respected, not just by your friends and family, but by your coworkers, teammates, fellow civilians, subordinates, and your superiors.

You have feelings, needs, flaws, things that make you you, and others should respect that, especially if they would expect you to have tolerance and respect for them and their needs. It is very true that you give what you get today in America; If you expect me to be kind to you, you best not treat me like shit, otherwise you will get nothing from me but my basic, “civil” self.

That said, I really do have a big heart. Even people who have metaphorically drug me through the dirt can get favors or sympathy out of me because I am so incredibly empathetic that it’s painful. And while I haven’t met too many people out there who are quite as empathetic as me, I have met plenty of people whose kind-hearted, selfless, nurturing personalities are continuously raped by people who couldn’t be bothered to give a single fuck about anybody but themselves.

And what hurts me the most is that those amazing people either allow themselves and their fragile, sensitive personalities to be used over, and over, again while all it does is break them further and further down, OR they slowly become more and more desensitized. They then either become shells of humans who try not to exude any emotion and distance themselves from things like commitment and friendships or (possibly even worse) they themselves turn into those nasty people who leech off the kindness of others.

I believe that we are all born with the same compassion in our hearts, regardless of race, gender, income level, or family dynamic. It’s what happens along the way, and how we’re prepared to deal with it, that determines how empathetic we come out to be in the long run. That said, I’m not entirely sure that “mean” people always know that they’re “mean”. And I don’t know that super empathetic people understand that they don’t have to cry every time a stranger has a bad day. There is a middle ground, and if you can find it, or have found it, that’s great. And if you can’t find it, there are things you can do to get yourself into a better place if you’ve found yourself in some sort of emotional turmoil (which happens more often then you’d think).

I think many happy people often believe that “mean” or cranky people have something else going on in their lives that makes them rude or harsh on others. That may very well be true, and to some extent I do feel badly for them. But you get the respect you give. You have to realize that your actions and words do affect other people, frequently negatively if you’re upset with them all of the time. I work with people like this every day: People who think they’re better me because they have more money, more authority, are older (or, in some cases, younger), who think that they can be rude to my face or talk shit about me behind my back because it doesn’t matter to them, it doesn’t hurt them any.

What they don’t know is that I frequently find out about it, and that it really does upset me because I never did a damned thing to them to make them so hateful. I used to be the girl who would cry over things like this, but I’ve since learned that I can’t let negativity get to me like that otherwise I would spend forever feeling badly for being the person I’ve become. And, honestly, I think the person I’ve become is pretty great. I’m not perfect, but I don’t think I’m the worst person who ever lived.

In these situations I usually just brush it off, figuring that it must make them feel better to make me look so small. If that’s what they need to do, then so be it. But the point of this blog is that not all of us are capable of just not caring about something like that. Some of us try to be the best people we can be, and we bust ass not only for ourselves, but for our friends, family, and even complete strangers. So when somebody who we’ve tried to be nothing but friendly and polite to goes and does something rude like talk shit about us, it’s going to completely devastate us. We suddenly then find ourselves thinking things such as:

Am I really that bad of a person?

Have a seriously hurt them that badly without realizing it?

When did I become so unreliable/unlikable?

What am I doing wrong?

Will they always be like this?

I try to help everybody, why are they trying to make me look like a bad person?

And those thoughts will hang around with some of us, even into our sleep. Sometimes those words and actions will give us anxiety and make us shake like a tree in the wind or just break down and cry. Sometimes those words will hurt us so badly all we can do is wonder what we’ve done wrong in life and be too consumed with it to remember to eat or sleep or shower. If you’ve ever been the person who treated another unfairly I need you to hear me when I say that I am not making this up. People really do feel like they don’t deserve to breathe when all they do is live to please people and then “realize” they’ve failed because you can’t be bothered to be polite to them. They are NOT being overly-dramatic.

While you grew up to poke fun at people or boss them around as a way to cope with your daily issues, they learned to be compassionate in hopes that others would understand and be forgiving when/if they should make a mistake. So, the next time you decide to do or say something petty (even when you think they won’t hear or find out) just remember that those actions are literally what lead some people to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, social disorders, and even suicide. Not everybody can be perfect all of the time, and if it’s isn’t directly affecting you, you need to let them be. If it’s something that really bothers you, go ahead and talk to them directly, but try and be polite about it. Being rude isn’t going to get you anything in life but what you deserve, which is frequently nothing. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. The universe prefers understanding and forgiveness to unkindness and unguided hatred.

And, my empathetic friends, I want you all to know that you guys are what keeps civility and “everyday” miracles alive. While being a kind-hearted person can hurt like nothing else some days, it truly is a great quality that even hateful and/or non-reciprocating people search for in others daily. This is how it happens that sometimes that person who makes you feel so miserable is actually your best friend, your partner, or even your spouse.

I once took a sociology class in college, and one of the things that stuck out to me was a unit on relationships: friend, family, professional, and romantic relationships. The basic takeaway, there are “good, helpful, meaningful, reciprocated” relationships as well as, “bad, damaging, degrading, one-sided” relationships.

When we talk about break ups, most people think of romantic couples. But friendships are some of the most important relationships in our lives—and just as good friends provide support and give life meaning, toxic friendships can make you physically and mentally ill.

-Olivia Goldhill, 2016 “The sociological argument for breaking up with bad friends“

I know first handedly what it feels like to be trapped into a relationship with somebody who did nothing but shove my face in the dirt and then ask for favors later. This same person, though, couldn’t be bothered to help me out with anything when ever I needed support. If you find that you have these kinds of relationships in your life, be them professional, friendships, family, or romantic relationships, you owe it to yourself to get out.

And that it 100% more easily said than done. Often time these bad partners will have you believe that you wouldn’t know what to do without them, that you needthem, that you’re nobody without them. I had a manager who told me I should beg for my job back after I gave my 2-weeks notice (because I wanted to wash my hands of all of the negativity and blatant taking-advantage-of) because I’d never make it anywhere else: my expectations where too high and I clearly didn’t have an idea what what work was really like. Needless to say, I gave a separation from employment, effective immediately note to the first manager I saw as I walked out the door that day and never went back… But that does not mean it was easy. First I had to reassure myself that my co-workers, who I loved, would not hate me and think of me as adding to their burden. Then I had to tell myself that just because I was walking out of this job didn’t mean I didn’t still have great work ethic: just that I also have respect for myself. I also had to remind myself that it’s okay to respect yourself, if you don’t, you’re likely to let yourself slide into something that makes you miserable.

Point being: if you think you’re in a bad relationship, if you think you’re being bullied, if you feel like you’re being degraded or used or abused, you just need to take that first step. Somebody will be there to help. Damn, if nobody else is, I will be–you can contact me at [email protected]. But I think that you’ll find that if what you’re doing is something that’s going to help you, heal your soul, let you live again, let you be that amazing, brilliant-hearted person you were meant to be, that support will start pouring in. Everybody loves a good comeback story.

And I wont lie to you, releasing yourself from that bad situation is going to fucking suck. Big time. But I’m also speaking to your from my heart when I say that you’re strong enough to do it and that once it’s done and in the past, you will quickly realize how much more easily you can breathe. Your quality of live will go up.

Taking care of yourself should not be an afterthought. It is not something you should feel badly about. You don’t have to tell yourself that “it’s fine, everybody else can handle it”. Every person is different, and only you know what you need or what you can handle. If you you don’t take care of yourself, nobody else will be able to either, and you’ll find it harder and harder to worry about anything else. Your emotional, physical, psychological health is paramount. No matter what else you may have been led to believe.

You don’t have to stop being so understanding, forgiving, friendly, outgoing, helpful, or loving. You don’t have to live in a world that makes you sad, depressed, scared, or upset. If you can identify what needs to change in your life, be it a situation, a physical location, or even a person you never thought you’d walk away from, you’re already half way there. You do you, lovely, and even it hurts, or its hard, or scary… once it’s done you will feel so much better. I promise you. Just promise me that you’ll always take care of yourself, because the world can’t handle losing a beautiful soul like yours.

I love you. Stay strong. -Catlin