#man I���m so sorry!! one of the sketches had him there too I should���ve read this better!!!
1834 April Tuesday 8th (part two) aka Mariana Lawton spills all her emotional guts out of the floor
She h[a]d th[ou]ght and felt me long in writ[in]g ‘I attrib[ute]d your sil[en]ce to mo[re] absorb[in]g int[ere]sts - those w[hi]ch writ[in]g to Mary c[oul]d gi[ve]’ – h[a]d notic[e]d the conclus[io]n of my 2 last let[ter]s, ‘Very especially yours’- leaving out the word ‘entirely’- earnestly prays for my happiness – ‘if I have any way interfered with it I have no less trampled upon my own for I have never loved anyone but you - This you know - a wife for eighteen years with nothing but the name. Your image alone awakened feelings for which otherwise I had no use. I loved you dearly and fondly - I do love you dealing and fondly and can neither understand nor account for the influence which circumstances , in spite of inclinati-on, have had over me.
‘The mind was less strong than the feelings, and unable to bear its own weight of sorrow,readily yielded to the comfort of having it shared by one whose sympathy I had believed had no other spring than what arose from a kind and affectionate [uses?]’
‘Unfortunately the confidence which existed between us and which at first were on matters least connected with the heart became from un-toward events of deeper interest. Yes, I am quite satisfied that until that fateful follyat Newton which awakened the pity of all and in myself a mental indignation which so disgust-ed me with Mr. L[awton] that it seemed to tear away the last link of anything like patience - neither party were aware of anything more than a friendly and brotherly regard. It was the affronting injustice then offered to us both and I tell you honestly, my friend, if it had not been for the thought of you and the virtuous feeling of the individual who had shared the insult, even stronger princi-ples than Mary’s might have been perilled. My regard for you has been a never dying security-for as the nominal wife of such a man as Mr. Lawton, I might have been subjected to more than the ordinary trials of my sex, had it not been for the too fortunate position in which you had placed to me. I always felt myself your individual property and forgot that others knew not of this. Poor Willoughby-sorrowed over the unappreciated life-his regard increased and I now believe his peace of mind might be endangered but yet he never told me- of all he now wr-ites is that in leaving home country and friends, one hope sustains him and that I may rest assured; that the being dearest to his boys will not be forgotten by him . I would give much to recall some part of the past, but that which is to come is alone within our power to influence, Freddy.’
It is difficult not to become a predestinar[ia]n - we seem allow[e]d so lit[tle] choice in wh[a]t concerns us m[o]st – tantaliz[e]d w[i]th an app[earan]ce of freed[o]m when in fact we hard[l]y seem to ha[ve] it. God grant that all may be for the best.
‘I am sick, I am sorry, my friend. I could be miserable- love me- think of me in pity –do both. Yes, you have indeed been my friend; a tried, a steady one and you're still the kindly prop which supports me under sorrowswhich even time has not taught me to bear with unconcern. Would that you were with me.Am I not to see you this summer? I am now alone . Mr. Lawton is gone to Lawton . I expect him back tomorrow but hardly know whether he comes or not . I enjoy my solitude for we have no feeling in common. There are few subjects, however matter of fact, which, somehow or other, he does not contrive to turn into discord. Freddie, I cannot touch on indifferent subjects- my mind is occupied by that on which I have written . I can add no more than that I am still yours affectionately and entirely Mariana -
Miss Chomley h[a]d just come in and begged to be remembered to me- M-[Mariana] was going to spend the day with her -
What a letter! We should not have been happy together . Now this cruel business even on her own stating is too much. I am better without her and rejoice rather than repent having escaped-
Poor Mariana- she throws it out there: all her passion and regret at what could have been. She still tries to entice Anne back and finally sees that the deathnail was her marriage to Lawton (referenced as the folly in Newton). But still, Mariana-like, she still wants to see Anne alone not yet reconciled to Anne’s new commitment.
Updated as later reading shows Miss Cholmely visiting Mariana not Marian (I feel I’m in a @vitawoolf sketch) The most jarring moment is while Mariana is scribbling out the letter, Mariana’s friend barges into her room. If this is not in series two I shall be so disappointed. Anne’s reaction is surprising equanimity faced with such an emotional outburst. Quite astonishing reading.
63 notes · View notes