|| You never saw me on the right side ||
|| You never saw me on the wrong ||
|| You never saw me on the right side ||
|| You never saw me coming ||
Lately I've been kinda obsessed with "Gloves" by Saint Punk, and whenever I'm kinda obsessed with a song for a specific character, I'd ideally love to make a music video... but since I currently don't have the time for that, I opted for an edit based on the lyrics. I don't think I've ever done anything comparable, or at least it's been a long while, but I really had so much fun with this xD I might do more for the rest of the song, because there's some more lines in there that just hit hard and that I'd like to visualize wit VP 👀
Also, in general, I see such cool more graphic-y edits by others in the fandom all the time (especially @pinkyjulien and @chevvy-yates come to mind, like... your stuff is *so good*), I wanted to try something along those lines myself with this xD
I just really really love the intro lines so much, because it reflects so many aspects of Vince as a character, I'm going feral just thinking about it... How neither his corpo-past nor his merc career are better or worse than the other (same shit, just a slightly different packaging, to him at least), how he himself is always kind of morally grey and a little unpredictable in whose side he's gonna end up on, how he never really fits in where he goes, but uses being underestimated because of that to his advantage, how he rose from a nobody to an Afterlife legend through sheer spite and determination, and so on!! asjdökfjdfaöjsf I love him so much and I love that song XD
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want to & probably should talk to my therapist about how i think the only way i can get my mind to accept that I've overcome a huge mental ordeal in my struggle to get on disability is by transposing it with a physical ordeal in the form of some kind of BDSM scene but. I do not know how to discuss this when:
1) I am coming from a place hyperaware of all the deranged fetishistic ideas people have about any transmasculine person even vaguely interested in any kind of bottoming or experimenting with masochism. That kind of dehumanization directly led to me being repeatedly sa'd so I have good reason for the level of aggression & wariness the topic triggers in me But good reason or not it makes it extremely painful to think about let alone discuss with my therapist Bcuz:
2) my therapist is a cis woman who interacts primarily with cis queer spaces & never in gay male sexual spaces where trans & cis men overlap so she has No Idea About & No Frame of Reference For the baggage I am bringing in here
3) talking about any kind of interest in masochism has to inevitably result in us discussing interest in sadism & domming, bcuz both are things I'm generally more interested in doing!! We've discussed BDSM loosely enough that I know that she knows dom ≠ top & sub ≠ bottom but I genuinely cannot gauge how she will react to any expression of like, a desire to do sadist shit. I see sooo many people all the time who are ostensibly 'kink friendly' get weird about sadism that I have been deliberately avoiding bringing up being a switch/sadomasochist/whatever. it is making our sessions about sex & dating circle the drain ! It's embarrassing!! I feel like I should just be able to vault over the discomfort & SAY THINGS even if that is an idiot's impulse.
4) If I want to talk about the kind of scenes that would be therapeutic for me right now I don't know if she'd Get It, considering when I said I wanted to try dating/fucking older men her first question was 'do you mean you want a sugar daddy' & then later '...so do you mean like, 30s?'. Like it really makes me think she's going to get the wrong idea or get weird. the amount of vulnerability it's going to take for me to even give her the chance to misunderstand me is. A lot. It makes me feel so crazy.
5) I don't know ANYBODY here in Maine so even if I could perfectly articulate my desires & their impetuses to a therapist (lol as if that should be my ultimate goal 🙄), & then find a man or men I could do these things with, by the time the trust necessary had developed it would be like. So far in the future idek if this need would ever get fulfilled. God this would be easier if I already knew a leatherman who could beat me up for a little bit if I asked nicely. Guess I just have to keep a fond hope alive for now...<- said with a bitter tone
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Watched A Most Wanted Man (2014) for a special Monday Philm this week—since last March, I’ve been rewatching all of PSH’s films in chronological order and this one completes the cycle (I know, the Mockingjays were released later, but I grouped The Hunger Games films together for my own continuity).
To be completely honest I spent most of this rewatch counting how many cigarettes Günther Bachmann smokes throughout the film (keeping a real pen-and-paper tally in my movie-watching notebook)—the answer is about 22. Real ones, the herbal cigarettes Phil said he was smoking all day anyway. There is much to be said about the cinematic value of smoking cigarettes—and I plan on writing more about that at some point!—but man there’s no doubt not many people (if anyone) do it better than him. It’s so much a part of Bachmann, of Hoffman—his breath made visible, hanging in the air. Cinema!
“We find them. We become their friends, their brothers, their fathers, their lovers, if we must.”
Still one of my favorite films, even more so since I read the book a few months ago. Surprisingly high rewatchability factor, especially if you’re like me and generally do not know what’s going on in espionage stories ever. I think I’ve finally caught up to this one—but the tension is so thick, I still find myself half-hoping, half-begging, “Maybe it will go right this time, maybe it will end differently, maybe he will not walk away.”
Watching all of Phil Hoffman’s films in chronological order was supposed to give me some kind of insight into his development as an actor, the various periods and patterns of his career, his artistic growth. But really, pretty early on, I kinda forgot I was supposed to be thinking about that. I just loved being surprised by what was next on my schedule, seeing him for a few extra hours each week. Lately I’ve been thinking about how Phil made watching films very easy on us, the viewer—he is so good, it’s so natural, you can forget you’re watching PSH the actor and instead witness a real soul brought to life from a screenplay, he suspends your disbelief for you and you go willingly—and also so very hard—how does someone breathe life into a few lines on paper like that? why do I see myself in this character I’ve been told to hate, to be repulsed by? why can’t I look away, why is this painful, why am I still thinking about it days and weeks and years later? He always delivered, from that youthful (over)exuberance, a palpable excitement like static on your screen, to the quieter, more mature gravity he found later in his career (The Master, A Most Wanted Man). His entire life he gave it 110% and then some.
The first time I watched his filmography through, I did it in random order, whatever I felt like that week. This time was (mostly) chronological. I’m not sure what I’m going to do next, except I know I’m not ready to give this series up quite yet. It’s been over two years now and it’s hard to imagine not having something to look forward to on otherwise bleak Monday nights. And no, as my family and friends have asked, I don’t get tired of them. The volume of his work is so extensive and the material is so wide-ranging, there’s always something I’m craving or haven’t seen in over a year. Tbh I’ve missed the 90s lately—it’s been months since I’ve sat down to watch almost any of them, I miss that buoyancy and his babyface.
I’ve been thinking about doing a little less in these posts—collecting and editing the stills and writing the reviews is time-consuming (and sometimes emotionally taxing) late on a work night and how much, really, can I say about Patch Adams (my beloved)? But, idk. “And the zen master says, we’ll see.”
Over two years of Monday Philms and this blog, which I kinda started as a place to put these reviews, has a couple hundred followers now. Thank you for being here for this journey. But I can’t take much credit for that—I think, I hope, most of y’all are here because of Phil, his work, his life as a brilliant artist and a sweet, handsome, generous person, all the ways he’s inspired and understood you. I like to think we have a nice little community built around that shared love. For me, I am forever indebted to him. My life is changed in every way—fuller, better, more loving and relentless—because it’s now intertwined with his. Thank you Phil so much for everything I love you <3
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