#many conflicting thoughts abt how i love him and how much he sucks and how he's growing every day etc
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The Writing In Apex Kinda Sucks And Also They Use Ship Bait As A Plot Device I Hate It Here
a stupid essay/rant encouraged by @zombiegloss that originally started as a youtube video script so if its like. weird at points. this was intended to be a verbal rant SNZISKSIA
basically i'm gonna talk abt the caustic-wattson-crypto relationship drama and how i think it was mishandled and how much the writers kind of Suck because i Can
you are free to disagree with me on any of my points and think that this aspect of the story was handled well, this is just my opinion, and i'd love to hear your thoughts and counterpoints !
first, addressing some things:
i know this is a battle royale and not necessarily a story-based game, so i can’t expect it to have masterful witcher-style writing.
but with the direction the game seems to be going; putting quests, evolving interactions, and comics in the game, plus coming out with a lore book and hinting at something bigger in the future, i think it’s fair to criticize it for lackluster writing, especially since what i’m criticizing has been something present since Apex’s story technically began.
secondly, i am not a professional writer. i’m a high schooler who writes as a hobby. i don’t have the decades of experience that some of the apex writers do, and i can’t claim to be a better writer than they are--but i also don’t have to be a five-star chef to realize that something tastes bad. when i critique something and give suggestions, i am not saying i could’ve done it better. i’m just bringing up what i think could have worked.
third, before i upset anyone , when i say a relationship is badly written, i’m not telling you that you can’t ship it or that your ship sucks. i’ll briefly touch on the shipping aspect of this and how it’s a detriment to the story but Ye
okay, so with that out of the way, let us Begin
relationships are often the emotional core of a story, and how strong your reaction is to conflict in these relationships depends on how the story sets them up. if you want the audience to care about these characters and what they go through, you need to develop them and establish the type of relationship they have well. it’s why so many people cried in the last episode of telltale’s the walking dead. you’ve spent roughly 12 hours bonding with clementine and protecting her, and your relationship with her is part of several story beats as well as character beats for lee.
when these two characters’ relationship reaches its peak at the end of the game, it’s powerful, and it’s emotional. you care. you feel something, and the fact that you have to choose what to do to lee only makes it more gut-wrenching.
now, the walking dead is entirely story-based and especially character-driven, so it may be unfair to compare it to apex, but i just wanted to lay the groundwork down for what i think is a strong relationship that makes you feel something when conflict arrives, in this case the conflict being lee getting bit and clementine having to decide his fate.
the broken ghost in general is kind of not-good sometimes, tom casiello previously wrote for soap operas and you can really, REALLY tell sometimes.
this story feels like it should’ve taken place a little later, and that we should’ve had a season to actually set up the characters and their relationships, but that’s a story for another day.
to put it bluntly, the set-up for the crypto, wattson, and caustic conflict is done poorly. for caustic and wattson's relationship it’s a little better, but not by much.
wattson and caustic having a relationship was hinted at in season 2, when her lore indicated that caustic was among one of the Legends who comforted her after her father died. In season four lore materials posted on Twitter, an email from Jacob Young states that Caustic is acting paternal towards Wattson. In season five, interactions get added to the Game, and this is the first time we actually see their relationship in action, as they have unique revive voice lines for each other. in the quests, when wattson is injured, caustic lashes out at loba and attacks her out of what seems to be anger at wattson’s current state.
Side Note this plot point was really stupid and done for cheap drama because she literally wakes up like two chapters later and they don’t even give her anything to say it’s just suddenly oh yeah crypto and wattson are working together. the same exact injury thing happens to octane later but nobody gIVES A SHIT because again, it’s just cheap soap opera drama.
their relationship might seem a little bit sudden for anyone who wasn’t on top of twitter lore drops, but like, it’s okay, i guess. i’ll give it the slightest credit for at least establishing something between the two in terms of voice lines and stuff, even if for some it might seem like it came out of nowhere.
what did come out of nowhere, though, was crypto and wattson’s friendship. in the quests, crypto and wattson are tasked with rebuilding the broken ghost because of their respective skills, and they’re seen talking in chapter six while they work on it. we’re not really given a clear timeline on how long the story in the broken ghost is, but i think it takes about a week, maybe.
unlike wattson and caustic, their relationship has been given absolutely zero material to work with before now, not even a passing glance in the trailers--which is a little weird considering crypto took down the repulsor tower and destroyed wattson’s home, but. Whatever.
tl dr of the chapter: crypto and wattson talk to each other while doing nerd shit, crypto laughs at wattson’s bad pun, and then suddenly they’re BESTIEEEES, until a couple dozen lines later in the same chapter. then they’re Not.
crypto’s drone gets hacked by revenant while everyone was kind of on edge after the reveal of a spy in their midst, he gets framed as the spy by caustic, anddddd wattson gets upset.
before i get into how dumb this storyline is, i’m gonna talk about the set-up to this conflict.
we have been given no reason to believe that these characters have ever talked to each other, and quite frankly, their friendship doesn’t really make sense.
ignoring the fact that crypto destroyed wattson’s home--which she probably doesn’t know about, so that’s forgiven for now--crypto is a paranoid guy. in the lore book he makes people stand on fucking footprints in his house so he can scan them for weapons and listening devices, and he apparently doesn’t stick around much after the games and nobody knows anything about him because he doesn’t talk to them.
a key part of crypto’s story is the fact that he is undercover and afraid of anyone finding out anything about him ever. him becoming friends with wattson kind of comes out of the blue, and we’re not even given a reason as to why they supposedly became close in the first place. i would kind of understand if like, maybe he draws parallels with her and mila in his mind and it makes him open up a little more, but that doesn’t happen. he just laughs at her joke and suddenly they’re friends.
maybe they’re trying to go for this ‘wattson can become friends with anybody’ angle, kind of hinted at with caustic but not really we’ll get into that, but that also? kind of doesn’t make sense since so many of her voice lines straight-up say she doesn’t understand people and electricity is more her thing, but honestly, she also does have those really friendly elements in her voice lines too, so its not as egregious as what they did with crypto.
their sudden out-of-the-blue friendship would’ve been fine if they spent a little more time fleshing it out, and giving us something to work with, but instead, the story immediately tries to rip it apart and frame it as this grand conflict where crypto is framed as the mole, crypto then accuses caustic, and wattson feels betrayed.
except it doesn’t really work, because we don’t give a shit. for several reasons.
one: crypto and wattson became friends and then ended their friendship in the same exact chapter. they did not speak to each other onscreen until this chapter began, you can read the entire quest on the wiki and see for yourself that their interactions up until that point were nonexistent aside from mentions in the narration that they were building something together.
the reason wattson feels betrayed is kind of stupid too. why does she really care that much if one of them betrayed loba? nobody else really cared about the fact that one of them was a spy, in fact, nobody even seems to like loba that much, and they just found out that loba’s been lying to them this whole time, and wattson was conscious for that conversation and had a speaking line, so she’s fully aware of the situation.
maybe it’s just like, the idea that one of them lied, but that’s still kind of a weak reason.
this entire betrayal thing is just dumb, and it gets even worse when you realize that there could have been an actual legitimate reason for wattson to feel betrayed by crypto--even if it still would’ve come across as weak conflict because of their newly established friendship, it would’ve made more sense than this.
Crypto destroyed Wattson’s home. He took down the tower and then all the flyers and stuff invaded Kings Canyon and made it their bitch. Not only that, but Wattson considers the Syndicate her family. The Syndicate are the very people who framed Crypto for murder and he’s trying to take them down.
They could’ve set up actual conflict with these things, and it almost seemed like they would, because Caustic briefly brings up that Crypto could be working with Revenant because he has something against the Syndicate but then that doesn’t really go anywhere and we’re just back to Wattson feeling betrayed because either Crypto or Caustic was a spy and she doesn’t know who.
Weak conflict could’ve been made better by a strong relationship and a weak relationship could’ve still been interesting with strong conflict, but both the relationship between Crypto and Wattson and the conflict that drives them splitting up as friends were really weak and didn’t make much sense.
It would’ve been ten times more interesting if Wattson found out Crypto ruined her home, the arena she grew up in, and was now participating in the Games to take out the people she regards as her family. That’s where her distrust could’ve manifested and conflict could’ve began, but instead it was the stupid betraying loba thing. why do you care. you just started talking to this guy like 2 hours ago.
also caustic’s whole reason for framing crypto feels stupid as fuck. he didn’t just frame crypto randomly, he framed him specifically because he doesn't want him to influence wattsob because he likes her Big Brain, but this is the FIRST time we have seen those two interact.
what influence is he talking about? wraith and wattson have been shown to be friendly with each other in the trailers, according to tom’s tweets, and in the story too so why doesn’t he frame her? at this point the audience had slightly more build-up for those two’s relationship than crypto and wattson and a betrayal storyline would’ve felt a little more deserved if still weak.
this is the point where i briefly want to touch upon shipping, and the fact that part of this conflict feels driven by shipbait.
aside from their relationship coming out of nowhere and the writers trying to make the stakes seem high and deeply emotional to the characters involved (despite this essentially being the first time they’ve ever interacted) tom casiello literally addresses shippers in a tweet regarding chapter seven, and as the story between these characters progresses, it becomes clear to me, at least that the crypto-wattson thing is just bait for shippers, and it’s lazy.
it’s easy to get away with giving your characters little to no relationship development if you’re just counting on shippers to do the heavy mental lifting for you
why should i put any effort into making this relationship seem believable? people are going to see a young guy and a young girl having bare minimum interaction and assume there’s romantic interest! then i don’t have to do any work, see look, it’s a ready-made relationship wrapped in a bow for me! all that’s left for me to do is give them conflict so i can keep teasing shippers with lines like ‘you never deserved her’!
i think it’s reasonable for me to suspect shipbait, since tom casiello likes doing darksparks shipbait on twitter, and i’m like, eighty percent sure mirage and bloodhound suddenly being childhood friends in the book is shipbait too, because these characters were the number one ship in apex for a long time despite little to no interaction, and then all of a sudden in the lore book they’re childhood friends despite this literally never being mentioned before?
like bloodhound is set up to be mysterious and nobody knows what they look like, or where they’re from, or who their family is--except for mirage Apparently, who played with them when he was a kid on their home planet, and has seen them with their mask off, because bloodhound did not wear a mask when their parents were still alive.
i’m pretty sure they’ve said somewhere they were working on this book before apex even came out, so i could just be completely wrong and they always planned for mirage and bloodhound to know each other, but if that’s the case, why did they never mention it like they did octane and lifeline?
i refuse to believe MIRAGE never brought it up either like ‘heeeeyy bloodhound remember when we used to throw eggs at our parents lab haha wanna go do to that to bangalore’s room’
‘good talk buddy’
ANYWAYS I GOT OFF TOPIC. POINT IS, shipping is a detriment to the story because the writers don’t feel like they actually have to put any work into establishing or developing the relationship between characters when they know the community’s just going to do it for them anyways, and that they can put in shipbait and it’s fine and it makes sense when it really doesn’t.
imagine watching captain america civil war after not seeing a single other marvel movie.
why would you care about the avengers splitting up or tony and steve butting heads or steve’s commitment to bucky? you wouldn’t care, at least not as much as someone who’s seen all the movies and knows the relationship between the characters and why the sokovia accords exist in the first place. you don’t have context and you don’t have any reason to be emotionally invested in these characters’ relationship.
this feels like that. the writers tried to squeeze this relationship and stuff into a single chapter and we don’t fucking care unless we were already invested in the idea of their relationship (shippers) because we barely spent any time with it.
so to summarize this little section, the set-up of this storyline Kinda Sucks! crypto and wattson barely seem to know each other, because we the audience barely saw them together and the writers are relying on shipbait in place of a relationship.
wattson and caustic are a little better but not great, but the conflict is stupid and it only gets stupider.
moving onto summarizing the rest of the broken ghost, gibraltar and caustic talk, caustic LITERALLY confesses to being the mole and says he framed crypto so he couldn’t corrupt wattson and to appear innocent because his identity was suspected, then that wraps up the season storyline.
season six begins with new voice lines, where wattson has had enough of crypto and caustic’s shit and is all passive-aggressive and going ‘this doesn’t change anything’. she has to decide who to trust, and how to figure out The Truth for herself because she’s not a little girl anymore. crypto and caustic are both trying to convince her they’re innocent and it creates some interesting conflict.
just kidding. it’s terrible conflict. you want to know why?
BECAUSE GIBRALTAR TRIED TO TELL HER THE TRUTH, RIGHT AFTER THE SEASON 5 QUEST HAPPENED, AND SHE LITERALLY REFUSED TO HEAR IT.
LIKE THERE’S A SEASON 6 LOADING SCREEN WHERE HE’S TELLING EVERYONE THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, AND WHEN HE GETS TO WATTSON AND IS LIKE HEY I KNOW WHO THE MOLE WAS AND WHY THEY DID IT, SHE JUST GOES i dont wanna hear it. i need to think
IF YOU WANT THE TRUTH WHY ARE YOU REFUSING TO HEAR IT
SHE SPENDS ALMOST TWO ENTIRE SEASONS MAD AT CRYPTO FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO BECAUSE SHE TOLD GIBRALTAR TO FUCK OFF WHEN HE TRIED TO TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED
ITS SO DUMB
i think it was towards the end of season 6 or the beginning of season 7 where apex posted this picture of wattson asleep at her desk where she has a letter from gibraltar on it that looks like it tells her the truth, so she knows now, she knows what happened, but NOW her issue is the fact that she doesn’t know anything about crypto.
WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IS YOUR GODDAMN DAMAGE. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BLOODHOUND EITHER ARE YOU THIS UPSET WITH BLOODHOUND TOO?? HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO PATHFINDER. DO YOU HATE PATHFINDER TOO
oh but she was friends with crypto and now she’s mad that he lied to her EXCEPT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WASN’T BUILT UP WELL SO IT JUST FEELS STUPID. THEY SPENT LONGER BEING NOT-FRIENDS THAN THEY SPENT BEING FRIENDS. THEY BECAME FRIENDS IN ONE CHAPTER AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AT THE END OF THAT CHAPTER THEIR FRIENDSHIP ENDED AND THEN WATTSON SPENT LIKE 2 SEASONS MAD AT HIM FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO .
AND THE WRITERS TRIED TO RECTIFY THIS BY SAYING OH SHE’S NOT MAD ABOUT THE TRAITOR THING SHE’S MAD BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM AND IT’S LIKE WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT MAKE THAT CLEAR WHY DOES SHE SAY ‘IT DOESN’T CHANGE WHAT YOU DID’ IN HER VOICE LINES WHY DOES SHE CALL HIM A TRAITOR IF HER CONFLICT WAS HER NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT HIM . WHAT DID HE DO.
HE JUST STOOD THERE AND LAUGHED AT HER JOKE AND THEN HE GOT FRAMED AND THEN THAT WAS THE END OF THE CHAPTER AND NOW SHES SUDDENLY LIKE IM ACTUALLY MAD BECAUSE YOURE A LIAR AND I CANT TRUST YOU EVEN THOUGH I NOW KNOW YOU WERE FRAMED I STILL DO NOT LIKE YOU AND HES LIKE YEAH THATS MY FAULT
The Caustic voicelines are stupid too, again his reason for framing Crypto was stupid and a lot of his voicelines just seem to be that shipbait thing again but like from the angle of overprotective dad who doesn’t like the new boyfriend. it’s stupid but not as egeregious as this next part which is
crypto telling wattson his identity.
CRYPTO was framed for MURDER and is paranoid and can’t trust anyone and doesn’t talk to anyone and the last time he did talk to someone he got framed for Another thing and the person he was talking to turned her back on him and actively refused to know the truth for like 2 seasons and then he went This Is Fine I Can Tell Her My Identity
the stupidest update to this storyline was crypto telling wattson the truth
why did they do it on the dropship where there are presumably syndicate members and other legends around.
why didn’t he scan wattson for listening devices like he did for pathfinder in the book.
why is he telling her his identity when he knows she has very close ties to the people that FRAMED HIM for MURDER. Does he trust her that much? WHY? They spoke to each other in a chapter and then spent two seasons not talking to each other beyond passive-aggressive BS. why are you so fucking stupid taejoon
their relationship was so poorly set-up that even if the writers maybe intended for them to come across as close friends who had spent weeks bonding, it really feels like they became friends in a single conversation, had a falling out, and now crypto suddenly trusts her with his identity after an undetermined amount of time because he wants to be friends again.
that does not make SENSE this conflict feels contrived AS FUCK and the resolution feels even worse and unearned UGGGHHHH
it honestly comes across as crypto feeling desperate for friendship, and maybe this would’ve worked better if that’s the angle they played it as.
he’s been alone for roughly two years, and just wants a friend, and he’s honestly so lonely he just breaks down to the first person who’s really talked to him. it could’ve been an interesting little part of his character, and they could've gone into depth about how much this situation has affected him, but that’s not what they’re doing. he’s still paranoid and anxious and doesn’t trust anyone, except for wattson, because the plot needs him to or else there won’t be any stupid soap opera drama.
and to rub salt in the wound, wattson’s new voice lines with caustic have him telling her that she forgave crypto.
WHAT ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR. ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR BEING FRAMED? WHY DID HE HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE THE ONE WHO REFUSED TO HEAR THE TRUTH?
did the conversation just go hey my real name is taejoon park and something bad happened to me and she went aight i forgive you WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
Caustic’s new voice lines to Crypto where he’s like ‘what did you tell her’--YOU TOLD GIBRALTAR STRAIGHT-UP YOUR EVIL MASTER PLAN LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN AND NOW YOU’RE SURPRISED WATTSON AND CRYPTO ARE ON GOOD TERMS NOW?!
THAT’S LIKE TELLING SOMEONE YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND THEN BEING SURPRISED WHEN YOU BECOME THE VICTIM OF IDENTITY FRAUD. YOU SET YOURSELF UP FOR THIS WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE CRYPTO DID SOMETHING SINISTER OR LIED OR WHATEVER. WHAT THE FUCK. WHY DO YOU HAVE LIKE 3 BRAINCELLS
this is at like ten pages already so i’m going to just try and wrap this up quickly.
it’s frustrating seeing this storyline play out when there are actually good relationships and storylines written into apex. i’m kind of getting tired of the loba and revenant conflict, but we at least had set-up to it in the form of a few animated shorts and it doesn’t play out as stupidly as this story does. bangalore and loba’s friendship is actually developed well, even if the point between the end of season 5 and season 6 where they suddenly talk like each other feels like it could’ve used a little more.
where crypto and wattson having an established friendship in the broken ghost failed, lifeline and octane’s established friendship works because we’ve been told since octane’s release they were childhood friends and given lore materials that indicate they’ve known each other for a very long time.
apex wants this storyline between crypto and wattson and caustic to feel dramatic and tense and ultimately rewarding when crypto and wattson did become friends for real and stuff, but instead it just comes across as hollow and empty.
there’s nothing there. it’s a case of tell, don’t show, and it looks like this stupid conflict is gonna keep going for another couple of seasons at this rate.
side note: this entire script was written before the new twitter comics
please tell me ur thoughts and feel free to respond with ur own lil essay
also believe it or not this is not the "shipping is a detriment to apex's story" essay i was gonna write this is a completely different essay that has some overlap SKXISOSOW
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ani!!!! hi hello hey i have Not read tgt & don’t think i will but!! i was hoping you could clear up some mal vs the darkling stuff like i keep hearing conflicting stuff i mean i’ve gathered that the darkling Sucks and ppl kinda only like him bc ‘ooo sexy ben barnes villain ooo’ which 😐 can’t agree personally sorry but!!! i’m more confused on why so many ppl dislike mal!!!!!! he (read: archie lmao) seems like such a nice guy i mean mal & alina are like childhood friends to lovers what’s not to love yk :/ feel free to go in depth or write a sentence!!! also spoilers are okay & if you think the books are actually good lmk!!! i just . haven’t found someone that sold it to me yk. anyway anyway sorry this is so long i hope you’re having a lovely lovely day !!!!!!! 💘💙🤍💘🤍💙💘💙🤍💘
hi h!! yay thank u so much for this ask it made me so happy and i have a lot of thoughts:)
OK-- so to start with, I haven’t finished the trilogy so I only have first hand experience reading the 1st one so far but ive got plenty to say whoops!
so in terms of being a y/a ~villain~ the darkling is actually like fine i think. he’s adequate and has some cool moments. BUT the thing that rly bothers me and makes me dislike him is how so many ppl are obsessed w him and alina being together and they use it to constantly diss mal/alina and mal in general. and yeah ur right now a lot of ppl are hyped up abt the darlking bc ben barns is playing him (legit just a white man??? i didn’t know he existed before this) and like im actually rly excited i think he’ll do a good job as a villain.... but do i think him and alina should end up together/even be shipped together? no that’s gross ( hello 400+ yr age gap and the fact that he’s abusive ) and also pointless when MAL IS RIGHT THERE!!!!!
and now to the completely unwarranted (in my own professional opinion blah blah we know) mal hate by what seems to be the majority of the fandom (again idk but from what i see it looks like it.... especially tik tok where everyone is obsessed w b barns) i honestly dont have a good explanation for it.... i think in the second book he might act more jealous.... or boring or moody or angry or honestly idek but those are some of he words that i’ve seem ppl use to try and explain why they dont like him. i’ll see for myself when i start reading it. BUT i still think he’s one of the most interesting characters and i love him idk. his devotion and willingness to sacrifice himself for what he believes in is ughghglsd!! like what’s not to ship?? childhood best-friends to lovers!!! mutually saving each-other over and over again!!! not being evil and manipulative(looking at u darkling stans). Also the way he cares for and is worried abt alina is !! chefs kiss and 5 course meal !! if i do say so.
ill just say that the extent to which so many ppl seem to hate him is kinda crazy given that all he rly does is... exist??? lmao idk like going into reading it i assumed mal was gonna be super problematic/actually do terrible things but like...... nah he’s just a boy
as far as the actual series goes... it’s not... great?( sdjfhk sorry if im meant to be convincing you to read it haha) i mean ok so im having fun reading it in preparation for the show, and it’s a rly fast read bc the writing’s pretty simple. but ill be honest when i started it i was kinda ehhh abt it bc it felt very surface level and it was so different from six of crows (idk if u’ve read that but i did rly like those books like fully obsessed i would recommend it’s why im watching the show).
again! thanks for this ask h i had so much fun responding. i love when ppl ask abt what im reading:) hope you’re doing well xoxo
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Whenever someone says love at first sight it needs to be followed with 700 paragraph essay to validate it BUT hearing PAULIE be somewhat aligned with love at first sight makes me heart go HJaHhsgKgaJfJa😭💖💕💝❤💖💕🥺💝😭❤🥺💖💝💕❤💖💕💝🥺 i would still love a 700 paragraph essay just abt Paulie's feelings tbh....................
i am still always completely shocked any time anyone asks me to talk abt my ocs cuz im like WAIT U ACTUALLY CARE???????? D’:
its prolly super obvious by now paulie is my favorite to talk about so ive got a TON to say about him (including his crush on eliot), which i’ll put under the cut!!
the powah of ADHD made me write 1,315 words about their love story so BE WARNED it’s a whole lot. like A LOT x_x
paulie met eliot when they were young kids, and connected immediately!! when i say ‘love at first sight’ it’s a little vague cuz paulie didn’t truly fall until they were tweens!!
king gabriel’s (eliot n jason’s dad) magic gave him the ability to see foggy glimpses of the future in his dreams, and when eliot was born he saw a glimpse of paulie’s bakery, and paulie + eliots wedding! the images were vague since the future isn’t absolute, but gabriel wanted to make sure that this future would come true. so he brought little eliot on a trip all around the kingdom (which was really just his way of finding the bakery), and when they met it was almost like a fate thing, since the bakery ended up being super close to the castle itself!!
plus, king gabriel totally loved edna’s pies and treats so they became regulars: which means paulie and eliot developed a friendship pretty quick!
the scene where paulie truly falls in love is pretty bittersweet, cuz its when eliot has his first major break down at around 12 years old. paulie takes a major risk and sneaks eliot out to walk in the rain with him super late at night. it really hurt them because it made them both realize this was something they can’t do all the time.
it would be one thing if it was just paulie sneaking into the castle, but bringing eliot out is something he could be SEVERLY punished for, and he knew this very well. yet seeing eliot smile mattered so much more to him and when he did, thanking him with teary eyes, paulie was like. uh oh!!!!
so after that point he wanted to see eliot more and more, which was harder since the king hadn’t been around for a few years and eliot was banned from leaving the castle. he’d make sure to sneak out at night and see eliot every chance he got, and even developed the night guard’s trust because of how frequently he’d visit. (and, his pastry bribes shhh).
but the thing is, paulie had some major self esteem issues. some from being introverted and not having many friends growing up, and some from his dad leaving at an early age. he didn’t think eliot could ever like him back, so he kept quiet about it. and of course, there’s the cliché of not confessing because you don’t wanna lose your best friend.
to cope with this, he developed the mindset of “i love you so much, but i don’t deserve to be with you. so i’ll show my devotion to you by making sure no one can hurt you.”
this isn’t a healthy way to think and allowed his jealousy issues to fester, and associate anyone with romantic intentions towards eliot with horrible scenarios that made paulie panic. eventually this does come back to slap him in the face when eliot meets liam.
by the time liam is in the picture, eliot had JUST turned 20 and paulie 22, so this had been going on for a bit. eliot realized on his 20th birthday (which is a very cute scene i’d love to draw sometime >w>) that he does want paulie romantically. but because of his storybook mentality that i’ve mentioned previously, he wanted paulie to tell him first and sweep him off his feet like a prince charming.
and by this point, paulie had started to realize that he’s being unintentionally cruel. eliot is finally free after the queen’s sudden death, and it would be wrong to hold him back from pursuing whatever he’d like to pursue. he’s too insecure to see that eliot wants to pursue him yet, but he makes an attempt to express himself at Jason’s coronation festival because he felt he had nothing to lose, what with eliot and liam’s spark.
and it fails, miserably. he begins to tell eliot how he feels but stops, because he sees liam over eliot’s shoulder in the distance. liam, who is being nothing but genuinely kind and the kind of prince charming (literally, he’s a prince) that paulie KNOWS eliot has always dreamed of.
it makes paulie stop, and think that he could never be that good, and that maybe he really doesn't deserve eliot. so he brushes off his confession, and this is the first crack in their relationship.
before this, liam actually noticed in paulie and eliot’s interactions that they’re absolute pining IDIOTS, and made the decision already to let eliot go gently before they became anything.
and this also goes really, really badly.
because in eliot’s mind, paulie had rejected him. and eliot was pretty insecure as well to begin with, so to be “rejected” twice in a row by both of his romantic interests breaks his heart.
liam has a talk with paulie about being honest, and it actually does get through to him a bit. but this happens after eliot starts to crash, so when paulie approaches him again he’s pretty distraught. it’s really their first fight and it happens at a HORRIBLE TIME, cuz for plot reasons shit starts to fall apart.
so the major story conflict begins before eliot n paulie can sit down and work through their miscommunications, but still have to go on their adventure/arc together. its awkward and tense and so unfamiliar to them, but right as they begin to lightly talk about things, paulie dies.
like, actually dies.
context would require me to explain a lot of the plot, but basically eliot triggered a trap, which triggered an arrow, and paulie realized what was happening and pushed him out of the way without a second thought. it went straight through his lung, so he basically drowned and it was not pretty.
so because its my story and magic is epic, I BRING HIM BACK YAYY. blood magic is a thing that exists but its heavily frowned upon, cuz the success rate is like. below 5% and usually does more damage. like nevermind necromancy, its just not a good idea. but eliot is completely desperate, and does it anyways. because he’s particularly skilled in magic, and with a shit ton of luck, it works.
and when paulie wakes up and they finally have a moment of peace to talk, it doesn’t really go well. eliot is really upset that paulie would do something like that, and asks him why he did. paulie still can’t bring himself to tell the truth, even with his second chance at life. this causes a pretty intense argument, and my trope loving ass decided that this is when they’d have their first kiss.
it wouldn’t be soft and romantic like they both wanted deep down, it’d be sad and desperate. just doing it because they realized they could, that luck is the only reason they can. it’s something bittersweet like when paulie fell in love with eliot, but more adult and more depressing. because now, they can do this all the time but yet are still afraid to just tell the truth. They eventually just collapse, defeated and not saying much else the rest of the night. and oh yeah there’s the looming threat of the end of the world and it really sucks >:’/
Despite kissing and somewhat addressing their feelings, this is the second crack in their relationship. It wasn’t a very productive convo so its kind of left hanging until they catch their next break later on in the story.
I’m actually still workin on that next step, but this is what i have of their love story so far!! They end up talking through everything, and i’ve been thinking about letting them go on a REAL journey together once the conflict is resolved!! Like on a boat traveling the world together or somethin! Just cuz i think it’d be cute ;w;
And ofc… married n then babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! coughs
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Pls give us the AtLA rant, I have a mighty need!
askjskjsdkjdskj i copy and pasted my rant from last night bc imo the raw energy of “i am genuinely shocked and angry (in a good way)” is something i cannot recreate right now
so here is the rant i went on in my groupchat + the secret side conversation i had in DMs bc, in my 3 person gc, 2 of us are watching it for the first time and i already knew some stuff going in so i didn’t want to spoil
it’s all under the cut bc it’s long as fuck (like almost 2k words if not more)
but basically i go into my own type of avatar-state while talking abt zuko!!!!
(I HAVEN’T STARTED BOOK 3 YET, PLEASE NO SPOILERS)
but i just finished book 2 and it took a completely different turn from what i thought it was going to like i am actually in shock and have officially reached my point of "zuko what the actual fuck" because the choice to do good was right there after everything he and iroh went through and after all that he saw and letting aang go multiple times and he was starting to be happy in this new life and saw that he and iroh could be free and he still went back to azula for his pride and honor, turning against aang and katara after he and katara could have finally reached a moment of understanding
but like what the fuck i am more mad at s2 zuko than i was at s1 zuko bc, in season 1, the avatar and his honor was the only thing he thought about, but in s2, he met people who had their lives ruined by the fire nation!! and he worked with them!!!! iroh was showing him what it was like to live completely free, doing what he wants!!!! and he was starting to understand!!!!! but im so pissed and so fucking shocked bc, this entire fucking time, i was like "oh yeah the end of s2 is going to be when zuko joins, right? bc i mean book 3 is fire, so zuko has to teach him fire bending" but no, he willingly chose to keep pursuing the avatar after fucking everything he has seen, after knowing how people were affected by the fire nation, after everything iroh did for him
and he knows what he did!! he knows!!!!! he told azula that he betrayed iroh!!!!!!! he fucking knows
when iroh showed up to fight both him and azula, i was fucking losing it bc iroh's love has been so unconditional for zuko, he supported zuko through everything and even helped him try to capture the avatar at times, but that was the final straw
zuko willingly walked into world domination. he doesn't even fucking trust azula! he never has! but she brought up his pride and honor, and she's powerful as all hell, and he sided with her! after everything!
i really thought he was learning that his quest for the avatar was fruitless! it's not going to bring him happiness! his life in the fire nation will never return to normal
aang has saved his life so many god damn times, him and katara were reaching a point of understanding! they fucking talked about how the fire nation took both of their mothers
and i'm so floored bc this was all willing
when zuko was exiled, he had no choice! it was either find the avatar or have no home. but he was finding a home! he finally seemed so happy with iroh! it really seemed like iroh's teachings were getting through to him! that he was learning what he really wanted (freedom)! but he still went back to the fire nation except this time he chose to. he looked at the people he was starting to understand, at the man who has been a better father than ozai ever could, and willingly chose to turn away for the sake of pillaging and conquering and "honor" in a family that doesn't care about him
at first, i was like "this has to be a trick, right? he's fighting them now so that he can backstab azula later, right?"
but when katara said to him "i thought you changed!" and he said "i have" i was fucking besides myself
im so angry but im also fucking exhilirated bc this i did not expect
i would've put so much money on there being a meaningful moment of zuko stepping up alongside aang
like, i was so sure this would happen
i was convinced
but holy shit
and fucking!!! zuko knows what iroh went through at ba sing se with the loss of his son (and probably the realization that what the fire nation was doing was fucked up) and zuko still turned against iroh
after everything iroh did for him! iroh was the only person who stood by zuko's side during everything. he pleaded zuko's case over and over, he seeked out the gaang bc he needed their help and he was so sure that zuko would make the right decision!!! he saw zuko let the avatar go before, but when zuko was faced w/ azula's assistance and the avatar right there, he just went back to his old ways except worse bc this is willing
am i discounting the manipulations of azula and ozai? no!!!
that definitely had a hand in it, bc azula has been dangling honor and ozai's love in front of zuko the entire time
but i really thought that the end of s2 would be when zuko sees past all of that
except he turned back to the family that doesn't even love him, betraying the only person who truly cared for him and loved him unconditionally and wanted the best for him, and now he has a direct hand in the collapse of ba sing se and world domination
like okay let it be known that this is some of the best writing ive seen and im fucking obsessed and im living for this and it's so fucking good so my anger is fueled by excitement and shock
and also i fucking love negative character development
like. i love zuko. and literally i think that's part of this too bc i was so sure that he was going to make the right decision
and instead i had to face the dawning realization that he wasn't
and now he and azula are teaming up to end the earth kingdom
like i thought i knew where this was gonna go and now i'm genuinely lost (in a good way)
and like i haven't even touched upon aang's chakra being locked bc he went back to katara
(also don't even get me started on the painful irony of iroh telling aang that sometimes it's better to choose love and friendship over power)
(like really don't get me started because i'm about to combust)
after everything iroh did for zuko!!!
after the gaang has saved his life!!!!!!!
and the best thing is, it was shocking but still not out of character
that's the beautiful thing
this was always an option for zuko
it's the point of the crossroads!!! you can go either way!!!!!!!
i just thought he was gonna go...................... the other way
and like literally the fact that he sided with azula after obviously not liking her basically his entire life (or at least his adolescence) is so fucking telling for how he made this decision bc. unless there's some behind the scenes stuff, he saw the avatar and his pride and his honor so clearly, and he saw how powerful azula was becoming, and decided that he would still take it even in the face of azula's manipulations and violence
if that makes sense
if you can't tell, i'm kinda reeling right now
like, apparently zuko wants his honor/power so badly that he'll side with azula!!!
after they spent an entire season fighting her
but also....... azula finally gave him that option of working together. before, it was always azula vs. zuko
now, though, azula was offering a world dominating olive branch
so now like im thinking....... what if that happened earlier? would zuko always have turned? or is it just because everything he ever wanted was so close to him?
and it's wonderful bc it's still so in-character. like, even siding with azula, it's not bc he suddenly cares for his sister or whatever, but it's because he chose honor/pride/the fire nation over freedom/giving up what he always wanted. i don't think he was choosing azula, he was choosing his pre-written destiny over making his own
god is any of this making sense i am literally so fucking shocked
i literally need like 3 episodes solely on iroh at this point bc you know what probably fucking sucks??? losing his first son to the war in ba sing se, and then losing his nephew (who he saw as another son) to starting war in ba sing se
like? that has to feel like a fucking slap in the face ten times over
especially bc iroh left the fire nation with zuko (and probably for zuko), most likely giving up his full title there
and like? the fighting sequences are so cool but it was so fucking heartbreaking to hear iroh tell aang "you go on ahead! i will hold off both of them!" because like. iroh can't wait any longer! he thinks (and knows) that zuko is making the wrong choice, but he can't wait any longer! he can't stand by while zuko dominates an entire city and say "oh, he's really complicated, he's going through something"! because zuko did go through it and he came out of it and he still made that choice! iroh probably feels like all his patience, all his efforts, all his teachings and love, went to fucking waste! because it didn't get him anywhere!
like, iroh probably still loves zuko but he probably feels so fucking betrayed and hurt and disappointed because, after seeing zuko let the avatar go before and seeming so happy, he probably thought that zuko was changing for the better! and now, he has to fight his niece AND his nephew! this no longer is zuko insulting some other general or his crew that iroh can fix by explaining what happened w/ ozai and how zuko is very conflicted! this is a situation that zuko willingly walked in, even after hearing and knowing all of iroh's teachings!
anyways! poetic cinema
like also pls dont think im ignoring everything else in the episode, like aang's chakra being locked was fucking wild and that entire episode was so good, with the fight sequences and everything abt azula, and toph’s metal bending, just forgive me bc im a little uhhhhh distracted by a twist that i genuinely did not expect
i feel bad for how focused i am right now on zuko but also how can i not be bc that feels so connected to literally everything else
also tho on a brighter note, true serotonin was when appa finally returned :')
it's so wonderful that appa broke out by himself. he did it all on his own! no one else was there. at all :)
(im kidding that was actually a very important moment in zuko's character)
(or at least i thought it was going to be)
(well actually it still is, but it's come to the question of "you can always say what you're going to do in a situation, but what happens when you're actually faced with it?”)
i know that zuko gets redeemed, right? like i know, in the end, they will all team up
but the fact that it didn't happen now
like.......... a whiiiiiiile ago on tumblr, i saw a post that was like "zuko has a great redemption but he needed to work for it bc he did awful things" and like? tbh yeah i got that s1 zuko was the antag and he did shitty things but like...................... this feels so much more poignant
like zuko literally has a direct hand now in the collapse of the earth kingdom
literally not to be dramatic but this is like. taz-reveal levels of shocked right now.
i thought i knew the zuko arc
bc i know he gets redeemed!!
so, after watching this season, i was thinking "oh okay it's gonna be this season! makes sense!"
but.... deep down
a part of me was kinda like "so is season 1 zuko....... it? is that the end of his antagonisms? is season 2 meant to be his redemption? i dig it, but i thought it would be more...................... dramatic"
got what i wished for!
and i am in the best kinds of hell
like i almost feel bad bc so much other stuff happened in the finale (like, for example, aang's chakra being locked, which i screamed at, it was so good) but like. i genuinely did not expect this.
like. holy fuck.
like, now i really understand why people say that zuko needed to really work for his redemption bc he and azula are tag teaming the end of the earth kingdom
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I'll bite. Tell me about your s/i!
OKAY SO THIS TOOK ME A FEW DAYS TO ANSWER SORRY FJGKGMF it’s bc i started writing a full entire story right here but it was just too much to unpack all at once so the general tldr rundown is her name is Mae and she was from a little craftsman/merchant village outside of Sunagakure and her family moved there when she was somewhere between 6-8 (havent decided for sure yet) bc they were never shinobi but wanted her to have the opportunity to be one if she wanted.
She’s always been an art kid with an artsy family but her interests in it are so varied and her home life was kinda chaotic that it was hard for her to sit down and just master one thing. She didn’t function very well in a school environment and i’m on the fence about whether or not I want her to not actually be a registered ninja but sent on missions anyways bc they need as many young vital bodies who have useful skills as possible or having passed but barely and at a very average age. I’m also not positive about her jutsu? I fucking suck at coming up with jutsu. I’m thinking a ninjutsu and having something to do either with some sort of cat familiar thing (kinda like w Kiba and Akamaru, I want her to have a little pet cat bc i have a little kitty who i love so dearly) or something kinda tarot card themed. I’ve also been stuck on the idea of a seamstress theme and she adds to some sort of something w that by learning some chakra thread technique from Sasori.
Speaking of him! Since I don’t think she’s graduating the academy at 8 or something like him, they meet through something regarding their families being into Art Stuff. Mae’s mom is very social and I can picture her striking up a conversation with Chiyo and offering to maybe have her and Mae make garments for their puppets if needed. And Chiyo being like “sure” and seeing that Mae is abt the same age as Sasori and being like “thank god finally i can get my grandson socialized”- Mae even as a child has always been pretty mellow and quiet and kind, if not a little bit sensitive sometimes and also not very good at socializing w other kids AT ALL kinda like he is. I could see them probably sitting in silence together a lot as kids while her mom and Chiyo talk and like, drawing or something and eventually getting comfortable enough to talk about common ground without being too intimidated by the other. As they get older they still hang out a lot when they can because it’s comfortable and they’re coming more into their own and it’s just nice. their relationship builds very slowly over time but it’s stronger than uhh. guys give me something strong to compare it to i’m brain dead rn. anyways
She’s got some traumas and issues and an ongoing struggling relationship with her mother specifically (her dad is actually really nice just emotionally unavailable, they have a much better and less turbulent relationship than Mae and her mother). She also has a little sister and a lot of extended family! I’m also again, still on the fence about her exact role in the village. I’ve also HEAVILY considered her being more someone who handles a lot of work behind the scenes and sometimes going on missions when absolutely needed. Her family struggles financially so she does what she can prolly? And I’m probably not going to make this her actual story but the idea of her, Sasori and Komushi being on a team together is very cute to me and is in my AU box for her. idk there’s a lot fjgjfkf that’s long and it’s not even getting into her struggle to find her art and why her relationship w her mom is Bad and her personality and inner conflicts and MAN I AM . JUST PIECING IT ALL TOGETHER HERE. personality tldr is mellow but passionate, kind, patient, creative, thoughtful, quiet but Knows Things, intuitive, kinda sensitive and sometimes moody and over time builds an ongoing rage bc of village corruption and how ppl treat her and the roles she’s been forced to be in and 😺 yeah. she headbutts her kitty ears on sasori sometimes :)
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tf liveblog 1
sooo welcome to my latest liveblog, i love talking so i decided to liveblog my re-read of the transformers comics, specifically mtmte/ll. so, here goes!
starting out today w/death of optimus prime...i read mtmte/ll about 2 yrs ago, and i almost immediately re-read it, this time w/ruth...the first time i read it i missed a LOT, and reading it again really helped me actually understand what was happening lmao. so this’ll be my 3rd time reading it overall! so SPOILER WARNING for anyone reading this, i have read the whole series and will be referencing stuff that happens in future issues (tho i doubt anyone will read these, which is completely fine lmao, i love hearing my own thoughts so these are for me first and foremost)
on we go!
omg i forgot how dramatic this is. ok lets do it, monologue time
‘afterspark’...i love transformers words lmao
hvbhdjfsdf optimus being like ‘I'm still alive it seems...bummer’
gps meaning ‘galactic positioning system’ vbajkhfdsk again, love the terminology
optimus rlly just went on the biggest bender of all time and then wandered into a city like ‘where the fuck am i. this is the future right?’ lmao bro
WHIRL!!!!!!! i forgot he showed up this early
RODIMUSSSS my fucking boi
and bumblebee and wheeljack! i remember first reading this and recognizing basically nobody aside from optimus lmao
ooooh is that cyclonus i see in the bg of rodimus’s mini flashback explanation?? MY MANNNN
also i have no idea what they're talking abt vhbhadjskhfjsf I'm w/ya there optimus....i never read anything other than mtmte/ll so i really am not filled in on any of the other lore
ultra magnus arresting swindle in the bg lmao
i love the fact that there were all these like, refugee cybertronians all around the galaxy who didn't want any involvement w/the war for a variety of reasons...like, that makes so much sense!!! love it
god i love the politics in this world. its all so nuanced and interesting and grey, bc everyone’s side has Some logic to it
‘the decepticon pen’ vbhsdfhsajbfk i cant why did they call it that
oh god i almost forgot they threw poor cyclonus in there. let him live
[sees soundwave] <3<3<3
perceptor and rewind!!!!!!!
rewind...so tiny and smart...love him
TRAPPED LIGHT....aughhhhh i love all the mfing FORSHADOWING stuff
THE MATRIX IS A MAP YEAH BABEYYY
the optimus prime effigy omfg
also the fact that the knights of cybertron supposedly left cybertron abt 10 million yrs ago...in the grand scheme of transformers that's not even that long ago tbh
also bee is so ufcking tiny oh my god
oh god prowl. #1 jackass
i feel like rodimus only understands part of what's going on and is like. ok this politics stuff sucks lets DO something
bumblebee out here quoting hsm
hvabjdfbsaf i remember the first time i read this i lichrally didn't know who any of these characters were and finally when someone said prowls name i was like THATS PROWL?????? lmao
like as a kid i watched tf animated and the bay movies so all my lore knowledge came from there. and well also transformers was my first foray into fanfiction so theres that too lmao
‘terrible things happen in war. terrible things happen in peace, as well’ LOVE IT
oh yeah those i/d chips sure are FUCKED UP jesus christ
magnus: yeah I'm down for a road trip actually. this place blows
also I'm sure magnus knew that rodimus & drift’s party ship would last about 5 seconds without some sort of solid authority to prevent everyone from dying immediately, so
i rlly love the conflict between the autobots and the nails bc both sides have really valid points abt everything
oof optimus leaving cybertron bc he recognizes that he as a figure represents the war...bro
bee rlly is hardcore in this continuity
optimus silently handing bee and rodimus a half of the matrix and stalking off...peak tired dad energy
optimus orion: fuckkkk yea i can finally do shit without my hundreds of kids bothering me for stuff. exile rules
so that's it for this issue!! ill probably try to keep these shorter and more coherent than my hxh liveblogs lmao. not sure if ill do quite as much meta here as I did there, since this isn't the first time I'm reading this
anyways, great start to a great series, i love the post-war setup SO MUCH, especially since so many other pieces of transformers media takes place during or before the war
and like, this feels pretty earned (at least to me) bc there WAS a bunch of comic stuff from the war period (not that i read any of it...)
god i wish idw didnt reboot the tf comics. there's so much more they could've done w/the post-war setting ugh
anyways, great start, cant wait to reread more!
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The 100 rewatch- s3 ep5
thoughts while watching the episode:
“we bring them peace” NO YOU DONT BECAUSE PIKE RUINED IT
and i oop- while you were away Pike ruined e v e r y t h i n g
Indra’s teeth are so bright white do they brush their teeth?? with what??
Kane’s so prepared to help Octavia break the rules, love it
“we went too far” yeah no SHIT SHERLOCK
KANE KNOWS WHATS UP
“no, your leg is never going to heal”
“you can still be useful” terrible choice of words Abby, seeing as that’s what Raven fears most: being useless
GOD FUCK ALIE NO I CRINGE EVERY TIME I SEE HER
Jaha Is Not The Man You Think He Is
Jaha’s lil beard is getting on my nerves
AYYYY MURPHYS BACK
“he says you’re cute... for a thief” they have so much chemistry im losing it
STOP talking about THE CITY OF LIGHT STOP IT
Michael Beach is a great actor send tweet
she believes in Bellamy :,((((((((((((
“in this world when people leave they don’t come back” aw poor Murphy :(((
“they’re being interned” hm
it is interesting how ALIE IMMEDIATELY realizes how much pain Raven is in, so sad
“so much suffering”
“you’re my brother i shouldn’t have to tell you that” yEAH BELLAMY
the look on Bellamy’s face when he sees Clarke, so many emotions GOD THIS SCENE
“please tell me that going to war is not what you want”
“this isn’t who you are”
“i need the guy who wouldn’t let me pull the lever in Mount Weather by myself” truly, Bellamy isn’t the same guy, while she was away, he changed drastically
“people die when you’re in charge” hate that this line comes back, HATE IT
THEY ARE SUCH GOOD ACTORS AHHHHH
“i’m sorry for leaving. but i knew i could because they had you.”
Bellamy’s so conflicted, he’s literally crying. he knows that he has to stop her from stopping Pike, but his love for her, the fact that he cares so deeply for her, is holding him back.
what really hurts Raven is what Abby accidently implied earlier, that she’s useless, that no one needs her
and now begins the crazy conspiracy of Becca and “the sacred symbol”
how do they have a grounder word for “gun”?
“ends the cycle of violence” HAHAHAHA YOU THINK ITS GONNA END??? HAHAHA
“Titus is my subject” FUCKIN TITUS
“blood must not have blood”
oh ok i like this song im ok with this
kinda sucks how Raven backed down and got rid of her pain, i know why she did it but STILL
ok i forgot how much i fuckin hate ALIE. like there’s a deep, primal feeling of utter hatred when i see that goddamn red dress. the actress is amazing, don’t get me wrong but when she does that head tilt and i’m like... bish get outta here i hate you. not that the plotline is mad, i highly prefer the season 2 plotline that explored much deeper morals and both sides of a war. season 3 is very strange, seeing as our main antagonist is a purely evil entity. she doesn’t have feelings. she just follows her code. i like the plotline, since we actually get to see the fallout and horror of the overcoming in season 4. this episode really didn’t spend too much time with Jaha and ALIE until like the mid to late part of the episode but it really sticks out to me.
also, we have to talk about THAT scene: Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship is so complex and interesting. it isn’t perfect, it’s rather torn apart and barren at times, but it’s always there. they know each other so well at this point, even though they’ve only known each other for a short time. their relationship right now is complicated and all over the place. Bellamy is so torn apart by his grief (i believe he’s the Heart at the moment, but i’m open to talk abt it) and Clarke is trying to be diplomatic and paying more attention to politics (aka the Head). their argument scene is electric. i shipped bellarke before this point in the series when i first watched the show but THIS SCENE is when i went “oh OH OH MY GOD”
overall, i’m finding with these season 3 episodes is that i can’t say much BAD about these episodes but there’s nothing amazing, fantastic about them either? so that puts them at about a (score given below)
next review tomorrow!
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Happy Birthday!! I always enjoy your eastenders content! If you want a prompt, I am p interested in how you view Ben trying to become less crime involved and what that means for his character, and how you think Phil will react to Ben's behavior??
thank you!!! and thank you for enjoying my ‘content’ (calling what i do content seems disrespectful to the people who do create actual quality content lmao), i’m glad!! i’m not exactly sure what you mean by prompt, but i can certainly talk abt my opinions on it all a little bit!!
from the spoilers, i believe we’ll actually get the answer to these questions in the coming weeks! i won’t go into detail in case you don’t want spoilers, but all i will say is that we’re going to see phil’s reaction to ben’s choice sooner rather than later.
as for my take on it, i think ben’s relationship with crime is kind of a complicated thing tbh. as much as i love dark ben, i don’t think those cruel, manipulative parts of him were ever just like... a part of his nature. they’re like.... adaptations, because of the things that have happened to him during his life and because of who his family are and who his dad is. i don’t think a life of crime - no matter how serious or petty the crimes in question were - would have ever been on the cards for ben had his dad not been phil mitchell. like he was a quiet, shy kid who liked musicals. not exactly criminal material, is it?
but then he moves back in with his dad when kathy ‘dies’ and sees how much of a ‘man’s man’ phil is and is not too young to realize that phil doesn’t really know what to make of him and then you combine that with stella’s abuse and manipulation (telling ben - a 10 year old child - that he was weak and pathetic and that his dad thought he was weak and pathetic too because ben wasn’t like him and that phil is the Epitome of what a Man Should Be, and that he has to be like his dad or else he will be weak and pathetic forever) and him realizing he’s gay (i don’t need to explain why this was a fucking nightmare for phil mitchell’s son, do i?), and him changing and becoming bitter and cruel and acting out makes sense. not only was he essentially manipulated into it, but it was a survival tactic on so many levels. plus he was a little boy, and he wanted his dad’s love and approval and attention! that’s normal! that’s understandable! but the sad reality is ben’s dad is phil mitchell, and basically the only way he could get any of those things was by acting out and doing bad things which undoubtedly reinforced the idea in his head that if he does bad things and hurts people then his dad would love and respect him more, and then the older and more confident and more desperate for his dad’s love and attention he got (not to mention the fact that he probably felt the need to ‘make up’ for the fact he was gay), the worse the things he was doing would get. and eventually this way of thinking changed from ‘if i act this way, my dad will love me’ to ‘if i act this way, people will respect me’, and then eventually it became less of an act and more an uncontrollable part of his character. but really, he really stood no chance at all in that house. he was bound to get fucked up to a certain degree, just growing up and seeing what his dad was like.
and now he’s an adult, and he really was not lying when he said he doesn’t know anything else. what the audience need to understand is that the way ben views things - himself, his relationships with others, how to create and maintain healthy relationships with others, how to treat other people etc - is fucked up! it’s warped! and it’s warped mostly because of his dad!! and i think ben is at a point in his life now where he can recognize these things (to a degree - although that’s much better than not bein able to recognize it at all - and imo ever since he first come back this has improved a lot) and can recognize that most roads lead back to phil, but he’s also not necessarily able to change those things. he’s trying, that much is obvious, but this is years and years of ingrained abuse and trauma and learned behaviour!! he can’t just get over that, especially not alone!! he needs help! and were it up to me, he’d be getting professional help!!! which is why i think callum has been so naive about this whole ‘just stop doing illegal things!’ thing he has going on - not only in the sense that you can’t just go ‘oh i’m on the straight and narrow now’ and have there not be any repercussions, but because this is years and years of ben’s life that he’s having to basically give up (ok you could argue that it’s not much to give up, but that’s not the point, and that doesn’t make it any easier), and also because imo ben’s relationship with crime is directly linked to his trauma and directly linked to his relationship with his dad. the only time his dad wants anything to so with him or shows him any kind of respect is still when ben’s doing jobs for him, p much. to a certain degree, ben’s ability to do dodgy shit determines his self worth because it has always determined how his dad sees him, and how his dad has seen him has determined how ben sees himself imo (again, not entirely, but to a certain degree). plus it’s a respect thing. he’s talked about his reputation before, and if he has a reputation then he has respect and ben wants respect, that much is clear. and i think that’s to make up for the fact he rarely got that respect when he was growing up, you know?
(plus, just my personal opinion, but i still think there’s a part of him that feels the need to ‘make up’ for the fact that he’s gay in his dad’s eyes. i think he’s come a long way (esp when you look at harry’s ben vs max’s ben) and i don’t necessarily think he’s ashamed of or sorry for who he is anymore, but judging by his actions i do think there’s still a part of him that’s like ‘well i couldn’t be the son he wanted in that respect, but i can be the son he wanted in this respect’, does that make sense? like a ‘i know he doesn’t like me being gay, so the least i can give him is this’ kind of thing, mixed in with the ‘this is the only way i can get my dad’s respect, this is the only way i can make him love me’ thing.)
basically: imo ben’s desire to do these illegal, criminal things is not as much to do with him liking doing them or wanting the money or anything like that, but it’s more bc in his head that kind of behaviour is linked to his relationship with his dad and his trauma and how he views himself. and despite his best efforts, ben was never gonna be able to just walk away from it all and have that be that, you know? because it’s not that simple.
as for phil’s reaction, it’s gonna go exactly how you expect it to go: badly. there’ll probably be some manipulation (i see something along the lines of ‘what, you’re gonna fuck over your own dad for someone you’ve been seeing for five minutes?’ being said) to get ben back on side. probably some dramatic shit about ‘ruining the family legacy’ or smth. he’ll probably make fun of ben similarly to how jay did but in a much less jovial, ‘i’m only teasing’ way. probably say some shit about callum. i see ben putting up a fight and defending himself (and callum) at first, but phil can wear ben down like no one else and will having him doubting himself in record time. phil will probably say some shit like ‘you gonna let callum tell you what to do, are ya? he says jump and you say how high, is that it?’ and that will absolutely press ben’s buttons and he’ll be desperate to prove that that’s not the case and phil will have manipulated him back onside, just like that. like it’s that easy. which it is really, bc despite what he says ben still wants his dad’s love and approval more than anything.
it’s gonna be horrible, basically. ben’s gonna be caught between a rock and hard place, not knowing what to do or who to listen to. he’s going to be so conflicted between not wanting to fuck up his relationship with callum (bc he clearly cares about callum A Lot) and keeping callum happy and allowing him to do what he wants to do and also trying to keep his dad happy and not fall out with him bc like i said, despite what he says ben still wants his dad’s love and approval more than anything and it would crush him to be cast out by him again after everything that’s happened, esp after they seem to have been getting along so well. so i think he’s going to struggle a lot over the next few weeks, trying to decide what to do. bc u know... despite him adoring callum and wanting their relationship to work and ben taking steps to make that happen, it’s been clear that he hasn’t exactly been over the moon abt going legit. (callum definitely didn’t force him, but after it was clear callum wasn’t changing his mind, ben obviously felt like the only options were him going legit and them breaking up, and after realizing he didn’t want to lose callum, he was only left with one option. so it wasn’t really a choice for him, was it?) and phil has a hold over him like no one else does, so who knows how this is all going to play out. like ben being on the straight and narrow isn’t going to last long - at least right now - but beyond that? callum’s reaction? the long term? who knows!! not me!!
but yh it just sucks bc you know ben has a Struggle coming and it’s gonna be horrible to watch bc no one deserves to be happy more than ben :-(
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so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition
- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....
- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts.
- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/
- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people
- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)
- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry
- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor
- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not
- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you
- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons
- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie
anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)
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i used to think that but like. the more i play the more i realize thats just. not tru like as long as you stick to the roads you zoom thru the island. that or ill use the boats and shit. ill walk Sometimes but im really impatient i just wanna Get There Fast so ill either drive or fast travel. and like yeah? like you see abandoned houses but theres also like. dedicated towns that have. a multitude of people. and everyone walks around like its nothing.
ive got ziggys mod on rn bc it adds a Little bit of danger. pirates are harder to see, you Have to buy all the guns, and guns dont automatically reload. and it makes Sense like. jasons not counting bullets. hes just shooting and believing the bullets gonna come out. idek what else it does thats the big thing i remember bc i, also, dont notice until its too late All The Time.
ic ant stand his tatt. . i just dont like all the little things. i like Simple.. geometric shapes (but not normally the tattoos that use them. actually. . idk. i like triangles in rows. and stripes & circles. thats all im into) and thats like.. what his concept art is like. but at the same time j having a fucked up tattoo makes sense bc im 90% sure dennis would nearly start putting dicks on him. like fuck this dude. also yeah like vaas would have Very Serious(ish) tattoos that he designed. like his murals but cleaner. i feel like vaas is just a really talented Artiste like on top of his abstract wall art he does (messy) realism.
like i like fluff... as much as the next person. bu t having no conflict just gets boring.. and if something im watching is too like. Dramatic like thats the only reason i can think of to dislike conflict. that whatever youre watching is just like draining and in that case just ! watch smthn else. idgi.
god when i worked at dg there were sso many kids just walking around. with their phones loudly playing a video theyre watching or music theyre listening to like i Get it. i have a 4 (3 at the time) yr old sister and she can get Loud in stores but like?? theyre not even watching where theyre going?? with the phone?? also its just plain rude dont teach ur kids that. and like i didnt even really get my own phone until i was like 19. and it Did make it hard to be able to talk to people but the people who really wanted to talk to me like worked around it. and the people who didnt didnt! like i had a couple months w a phone @ like 16 and like.. it was still abt the same. if they rly wanna talk to me theyll talk to me like you dont Need a phone to form friendships w ur peers.
im sure there'll be spaces where its like.. Obviously got more attention and way more interesting but i dnt think itll be a boring space by any means.. except mayb the camps. fc5 honestly had some p lame camps. i remember like 2 that i like. al so its so funny like fallout didnt even bother w deer for SO long until fo4, the game they gave up on,
i really really really hate the way they wrote keith like hes absolutely the most abysmal character. they made such a huge show of how much of a dick he is, always ready to fight everyone so when hes the one you have to save from buck its like ~such a shock~ like oouuh hes so Totally Different Look at him ~woaaaaoo~ this sure did suck for him like fuck off. fuck ooofffff. you didnt have to make such a Big show of how much of a bastard he is.
i really do love sam.. hes a fun guy. you can tell hes smart. im Upset he got outsmarted by hoyt. but i understand that if he didnt then they wouldve had to make a slightly different ending and they didnt wanna do that. so ill Accept it but im still like mad. j could write a letter. itll be really good really get the point across. "hi mom, its Me, Jason, im here. bye ! :) eks eks ou"
ive read more of the bad fanfic just to poke fun at it than i have the like.. serious fanfic. and i havent looked at ao3 in like.. a year or two. and that was to look for more bad things to read. i just. i think its interesting. when people are so far off. its like shocking Myself. citra doesnt even really see thru j she just sees like. that hes easy to manipulate like thats it. she doesnt kno shit abt j she doesnt want to..
also vaas isnt lean so jot That down. i literally hate that. like i kno michael mando is but idfc what micael mando looks like vaas just isnt that ripped. not on the chest/stomach anyway. like yeah hes muscular but hes got Tub.
also literally cant stand fanon j like they make him into such a baby. (sometimes literally). it like theyre not even playing the game where hes a Nasty Man who kills for fun! like hes not a 6'2 grown ass 25 year old who like pushes cars around for fun. who can Break Glass underwater. Deep underwater. hes Strong as Shit. hes been thru College he has a Girlfriend. hes got a BEARD.......
im normally really tied to what the author thinks.. like even if i have my own ideas i still like. accept and acknowledge the writers intent and it usually. morphs? my perception? bc its not like i Kno More than the actual person who wrote it. i like to think im Reasonable.. and i dnt think i have to be like its not out of like respect or anything its just like.......... i mean its Theirs. i dont Own it i cant ignore what they said its just not how i am.
im so mad you cant pet the dog.......... whats the point if i can t pet him............ ive been likejsh curious abt the cod story modes bc im really not big on multiplayer. like i play overwatch and thats it.. but theres so MANY cods.. i cant wade thru all of em.. n ill watch a decent bit of playthroughs but i mostly feel like i Have to play the game. like i have to be a participant for it to be Real so that i Know ive Seen All there is to see..
i like to complete shit 100% and ill normally stop in the middle of a game to make sure i Do have it 100% unless im rly rly into it. or its just too much stuff
i can be really patient actually, but only in a few very specific situations. like. i can walk (like, irl) for five hours next to a road and not get bored as long as theres like plants to look at. yea like abandoned houses occur in all kinds of environments, it doesnt automatically point to the inhabitants being like. dead or whatever. thats not environmental storytelling. it just means you got fewer humans to render. thats an issue in 5 to, like, where did all these people live before they joined the cult? and uh for that matter where do they live now? how are they all fed? is the sewer system working? if not, why isnt everyone sick and/or dead? its like they made up the towns/bunkers completely independently of the actual people. designing working cities is so fun like. if youre not into micromanaging logistics why even design a video game honest to god?
god i hate the abundance of ammo. for all sorts of different weapon types, too. like where are those coming from. how are all of those getting here. how big is the market for ammunition for like. anything at all thats not an ak. why would there even BE anything thats not an ak all the way out in the third world, especially considering the mud and the climate. they HAD IT in fc2, they KNEW, theyve clearly thought about it, bc yea realistically all the guns that people have here Would be from the soviet union, bc thats how that goes, every time. no matter where you go in the world. if theres a conflict in a poor country, theres gonna be 1. machetes and 2. decades-old aks. oh and those homemade guns! yknow like in the chechnyan civil war? those are fascinating. whys no one ever put some of those in a video game. what about tacticals? people putting guns on their regular old ford pickup trucks, like in syria and iraq? theyre like real life mad max cars. that would be incredibly little fun to play thru for most people, of course, bc nothing would ever work right, but like. itd be. better. and also like. jason does not fucking know a thing about guns. hed get shit wrong all the time, and ruin his guns that way. hes an incredibly careless person. i actually consider the fact that his phone screen is canonically not cracked a (cinemasins voice) plot hole. i just want shit to be sooo much harder for him
yea like hes just putting all that in dennis’ hands, he gets no say in it, though like, if he did, it would probably look worse. i barely trust j to get dressed by himself in the morning, much less make decisions that will permanently alter his body. either way they couldve done much worse than w/ the whole heron/shark/spider theme. still not sure how exactly those tie into the actual skills you learn but. im ok w/ them. Yea im very attached to the idea that vaas is an artist bc like? he is? i mean, i dont love everything of what theyve shown in canon bc its just. kinda cliché. i see him as more of an adolf wölfli type. itd definitely suit him to be obsessed w/ symmetry. and i hate to armchair-diagnose a character thats so incompetently written but i dont think its up for debate that hes psychotic. you could convey so much of his worldview thru his art but they just. didnt u_u
i cant get invested in media thats not dramatic n angsty. i just cant. like i like a lot of light-hearted media like animal crossing, the simpsons, but im not gonna get into them the way im into e.g. fc. theres nothing in there for me to latch onto. that even goes for iasip, which is arguably just a serious interpersonal drama w/ jokes. i need a dark tone, and i can only deal w/ an amount of humor if it serves to underline that dark tone. i mean, theres a reason its called fluff, which literally means filler. you cant just eat candy for every meal yknow.
my first phone was a 2002 nokia w/ Snake on it and my mom only gave it to me bc she wanted me to be able to call her in an emergency. thats what phones are supposed to be for imo. now that theres so few pay phones around anymore, cell phones make sense, for emergencies. id never ever ever give my child a phone with internet access or a camera. like, im not even old, and even i remember calling someone on their house phone and asking if they could come out to play. that was normal just a couple of years ago. then around 11 we all got on icq, and it was all downhill from there. im just straight-up anti social media at this point, i really dont see any positives in it. it doesnt help you Connect w/ people. its a substitution for connection. i wouldnt be on here if i had a fun real life.
the camps in 5 all look the same. at least in 3 you have more than one group of Bad Guys and their environments look a bit different but. 5 was just? regular real world american buildings but w/ a edens gate flag flown out front. felt like larping in a boring small town. except that wouldve been more fun bc it wouldve been real. im really not a fallout person and idk a lot about it but like, why. do they confine themselves to such a small space. thereve been plenty of fallouts by now, why havent we gone somewhere new. i feel like a wasteland is a wasteland whether you render it in 2d or 3d. wheres the mississippi fallout. wheres the delaware fallout. why is the world so small. like i totally get the appeal of The Fallout Aesthetic but to me personally it just feels kinda limited.
its really hard to feel sympathy for keith which is like. awful. like god knows im not saying you only deserve sympathy as a rape survivor if you happen to be a likable person from the start like. thatd be terrible? god fucking knows im not saying he deserved it. people do only care about rape/abuse survivors if theyre sweet and innocent (and white) and thats a massive problem, but this is certainly not gonna convince anyone to change their perspective on that. like this doesnt challenge anything. you just made me feel bad for not feeling bad, thats not like. enough. i didnt like keith before and i still dont like him now. great. really pushed the envelope and made a point about rape culture there.
sam is like the only character who you get to spend some time with before they die, like you actually get to build some sort of emotional connection, and on top of it hes actually a likable person. was that so hard? could we not get more of that? if you want the audience to care about a death, you first have to make them care about the person themselves. like. did you not know that? did you get sam right purely on accident?
thats literally it yea thats his idea of an explanation. and hes not even aware that hes bad at writing letters bc hes not aware of like anything. he thinks he nailed it. like you cant leave things like that to j, you shouldnt let him unsupervised at all, and you cant just let him ruin his moms day like that. idk what id do in that situation either but i would not let j talk to his mom about it under any circumstances
its not hard seeing thru j. hes not like. complicated. hes hard to understand if you approach him from the wrong angle, like, if you expect him to be a normie. in that case hes probably Baffling. but once you catch that first glimpse of how simple and unassuming he is and youre like Ooooh ok Thats what this is. its so easy from thereon. its still kind of a luck of the draw whether you can make him do sth or not bc it depends on whether he happens to feel like doing it, like, if citra tells him to kill this or that person hed be like Ok. if she tells him to like, stack some crates, hed pout and be like Nah i dont feel like it. like a Child. so, hes a wildcard, but hes also like, stupid. ive compared him to homer simpson before but he also reminds me of spongebob in that way.
vaas has an incredibly unhealthy (and inconsistent) lifestyle. he lives on meat, krupuk, deep fried everything, various filipino pastries, and booze. maybe the occasional mango. i dont even know if he drinks water. also, realistically, he should have coke bloat. if he was Lean itd be because he doesnt eat enough. not bc hes on some sorta natural paleo diet. also he spends a lot of time in his designated Staring At Tv Static While High room. hes not fit
goddd yeaaaaaa thats so fucking annoying. as soon as fandom designates a character as a bottom — which? first of all? no? — they instantly turn them into a shy whiny twink. it makes me sick. people will apply yaoi logic to Anything. at this point its not even funny anymore its just straight-up homophobic. the worst part is that it aint even just straight people doing it, its lgbt teens whove internalized that shit. i hate it. i hate it so much. and j of all people is like, an absurdly violent person. he fits that cliché to literally zero percent. (thats not gonna stop me from calling him Baby and Child and Idiot Baby Child but im an actual gay man whos also not a virgin so im allowed to do that. im allowed to do anything. i just wish teen girls would stop doing it.)
yea i cant ignore the canon/the authors intent even when i really want to. which Sucks honestly. but like, i make a difference between art art and corporate products (though of course the line is blurry). id never ignore the intent of like, an independent author whos just expressing their personal experiences. but if were talking blockbuster movies, aaa video games, or wwe? yea i dont care. those are written by committees, not people. those are fair game. i still want to know everything about canon and ill never be able to unsee canon entirely, but i do actively try to ignore all the parts i dont like. like, on a case by case basis. idk my whole entire media experience is Messy
yea i couldnt care less about multiplayer im just here for the campaign, or rather, the characters in it. and the characters in modern warfare are just really, really good. ghosts sadly has one that looks exactly like keith lmao. (though i do love that one too.) mw1 was remastered in 2016 (as a last ditch effort to get people to buy the mess that was infinite warfare) so theres a bunch of recent-ish playthrus of it out there. its literally the comfiest game in the world to me, its all gray and drab and early 2000s-looking, and its just. the perfect embodiment of the type of game that it is. and of course nostalgia is a factor but i think just general nostalgia for the Era is enough, you dont need nostalgia for mw1 in particular to find it comfy. in my very biased and subjective opinion it holds up
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ABOUT my OCs
an excuse to talk about my OCs basically but also for future ask games i can link this post to anyone asking who tf they are
COURIER SIX: memphis six
memphis is 19 in canon and doesn't really remember who she is when she wakes up, so when she wanders back to primm and finds an old brochure abt tenessee that floated back to the mojave via the mojave express, she just starts calling herself memphis six.
basic info is that she is skilled with melee weapons, medicine and speech. independent vegas and she travels mostly with boone, arcade, veronica and ed-e. loved by the ncr anyways and hated by the legion, and shot house to death. she is a lesbian and sucks at gambling but likes playing caravan
she is the daughter of a priest and his husband, a mercenary, and her mom was a wandering doctor before deciding to settle down and create the 3 parent family and having memphis (longer story). basically her dads are in love and her mom is a part of the family even if she isn't in their relationship. they live somewhere south of nevada and she reunites with them a couple years post-game
other things abt memphis is that she is religious, even after getting shot, but grapples with the definition of "god" in the mojave. she claims to be non denominational but most of her religious practices and beliefs reflect baptist christianity. throughout her "canon", however, she will expand her views and appreciation for other interpretations of god and comes to the conclusion that all are true, in a sense, and religion is most valuable when it's used to bring people together to do good.
her religion is also a conflict for her because she's also very prone to violence over forgiveness and repents everytime but struggles to change her ways because she just fucking hates those legion bastards and starts firing on sight. she also tends to choose violent solutions on impulse. it's not that she has a bad temper, necessarily, but more of a bloodlust.
CHOSEN ONE: winifred
born in arroyo, winifred was named after a female protagonist in a very popular horror novel about a family in a hotel during the wintertime. growing up, she never really thought much of what was beyond the bridge, content with her home. while she was hesitant to leave, she understood that if she didn't try then arroyo would certainly perish.
basic info is that she is 17 in canon, skilled with unarmed, first aid and outdoorsman primarily (but quickly learns to improve her speech skill as well). travels mostly with marcus, john cassidy and goris and earns the title of champion for her good karma
she is very temperamental and picks a lot of fights, even if she can't win, but can also talk her way out of a situation in the same breath. growing up, her older cousins taught her boxing and she was a sort of a troublemaker (and a bit of a bully when she was a lot younger). as she grows and finds her morals, she becomes a good person but, like, aggressively good. she will bully you into doing the right thing and bully you into loving yourself, y'know?
what she hates about the developing wasteland is everyone's affinity with technology beyond what is needed for survival (i.e. new reno, the enclave). she would totally join the BOS if that was an option in the game, but reject their personal use of energy weapons and tech. she's a very DIY, nature loving girl preferring to do things "the old fashioned way"
she is also terrified of losing the people she calls family. her companions and her home are all very important to her and she becomes very domestic after the events of fallout 2.
VAULT DWELLER: mary anahid
in vault 13, when the bombs were dropping, an iranian ambassador was granted entry. he had a son, and then he had a son and so forth until mary was born as the first girl in his line (thus how she kept the surname anahid through so many generations).
basic info is that she is skilled in lock picking, small guns and speech.
mary is born with both parents still alive, being the last of three siblings, and they were older and became a bit sickly when she reaches the age of 23, when the events of fallout take place for her. within the vault, her g.o.a.t. was vault loyalty inspector which was ironic because she had a lot of anger towards jacoren. when the water chip broke, and the other vaulties perished not long after being sent out, jacoren decided that sending mary out would be a good way to get rid of her since she was raising a lot of animosity amongst the other dwellers against him.
once she left, she got the water chip on her own because she was very untrusting and wary of people. however, she hooked up with ian, katja and tycho when jacoren sent her back out to stop the mutant invasion. the adjustment to wasteland life was harder than she thought, but she manages. unlike my other ocs, she's very thoughtful and dislikes impulsivity.
also, before finding arroyo near the end of her life, she becomes a stand up comedian and was a bit of a popular act in new reno, before it was the bit city you see in fallout 2. she is very fond of writing and preforming.
SO YEAH feel free to ask questions about them
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oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???
got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker
the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.
her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like
basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that
girl be actin homeless---mood
so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like
‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’
n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao
‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’
i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao
anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!
cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke
i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that
but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me?????????????????????
like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway
cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’
n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE
n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.
n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time
n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate
and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve
n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset
cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck
deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts
n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT
n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO
n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS
n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually
n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive
n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like
no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here
n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...
cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane
n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more
n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican
and she gave me a sideeye
but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right
im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?
like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race
n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen
like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?
my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school
n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh
im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist
i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule
like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack
wat is the truth rip
the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.
my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow
n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.
which is ye know good for her rip.
i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities
like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like
binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye
n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm
mine is for science n validity
hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...
bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip
but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?
im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???
prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???
what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.
i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.
that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.
n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip
i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man
meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip
god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly
# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me
now im sad
omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’
DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready
like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love
the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love
the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness
but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh
bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip
meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...
i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do
but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble.
bitter but like...humble
‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’
‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’
‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’
oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?
had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.
my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni
rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you
n she was like so no children then:(
n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro
but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?
anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...
sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji
rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh
At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that
then she was like ew nO
then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card
which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.
so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth
but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?
really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.
nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR
rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand
i miss the gays
i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well
add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand
n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--
n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’
n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’
n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip
Big sand honestly.
it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand
i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8
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Lawlight (duh) for the ship thing Also, if you're into any of these - Drarry, Malec, Ichiruki, Sakunaru
uhhhh i only know drarry tbh but not well enough for a ship meme dlfajsda sorry. anyway here’s lawlight.
who is more likely to hurt the other?
they both hurt each other on some level just bc they hv v combative personalities and also they r WATER SIGNS which means they r constantly in a fight over who is more valid. jokes on them tho: they r both unvalid as hell. light will center an entire week around getting back at L for something he did bc he’s basically amy dunne playing the long con all the time. L will hurt light in ways that last. he’ll just come out of nowhere with something like, “maybe it would be better if we hadn’t met” and light will just go quiet. that’s like, a sore spot L will push on if they argue bc he knows light is incredibly insecure abt his standing in L’s life. idk man. they love each other but there’s a lot of stuff they’re working thru and they’re leaving some scars along the way.
who is emotionally stronger?
hm. i think L is. he’s toughened up from all his experiences as the world’s greatest detective and had to deal w a lot more emotional crises than light. when it comes to big setbacks, he’s more likely to take them in stride whereas light is like that post that’s like “i’ll deal with it but you gotta let me be dramatic first.” before anything, he’s gotta scream in his scream jar then he can put those anxieties into the fridge and go back to figuring out his life.
who is physically stronger?
they hv abt the same physical strength. that’s less of a contest between them, altho light does sort of like it when L can lift him up. he’s done the same for L a couple times but its more fun to b carried than to b the carrier. anyway. if ur asking who wins more fights? then i would say that light wins a lot of their brawls bc he’s not afraid to play dirty. he has a sibling, he’s fought these battles many times before. its no rules just right in this house.
who is more likely to break a bone?
light has a lot of sports related injuries but not a lot of broken bones. meanwhile, mr. stays inside all day on my laptop has had three broken bones all from falling down the stairs or slipping on shit. just, like, hold on bc i’m picturing light and L sitting in the urgent care waiting room, both with broken arms bc of a roller skating accident. i don’t know how ppl break bones.
who knows best what to say to upset the other?
see this question and the first question r so close and so the answer is like both of them know each other well enough to hv their fingers poised over a particular emotionally destructive button at all times. i only say L is better at upsetting light bc he’s more willing to go the extra inch of underhandedness. of course, light nvr shows that he’s upset on the outside. no, he remains cool and calm, laughs it off probably, and then goes into the bathroom to hv a full scale meltdown in the dry bathtub. to b fair, that doesn’t happen often. its only during big, BIG arguments.
who is most likely to apologize first after an argument?
oh i don’t think either of them hv apologized once in their whole lives so it was a big step for them to apologize to each other. light caves first, trudging into L’s office with the most pathetic look on his face and being like “i’m sorry i called you a trash bag with arms.” and then L sort of sits there and has an inner conflict for a second before saying, “i’m sorry i told you looked like a kohl’s mannequin but not hot.”
who treats who’s wounds more often?
if their fights ever get too intense and someone gets hurt, its usually L knocking his head against something sharp and light has to like sit him on the toliet so he can fix him up. when he’s administering first aid, light starts to fuss over L and makes a lot of concerned noises.
“that hurts.” L squirms as light gives him stitches. “don’t pull too hard.”
“relax.” light says. “i’m actually quite good at this.”
(will i ever stop quoting that one line? no, i won’t.)
who is in constant need of comfort?
i don’t know abt comfort but light needs a lot of reassurance, both verbal and physical, that L does care abt him. he needs to b assured of his place in the world and in their relationship which L isn’t super great abt doing. but light is usually vocal abt when he needs comfort around L, whomst he rarely hides much of himself from, so its nvr a problem of L just not knowing. he just has no clue how to react.
there’s been a scarce few times when L has needed comfort after a taxing case but light is right there to just sort of, uhhh, hold him. let him make some horrible noises and talk. they try to b there for each other. its something they’re working on.
who gets more jealous?
oh for sure light. he gets flushed w jealousy anytime L shows a little more attention to someone else who could possibly usurp light’s romantic position in L’s life. its not fair. those ppl nvr worked as hard as he did to get L’s attention, to get his love. L thinks its kind of funny and will do shit to make light go green eyed. but that shit stops after they work with a french officer who gets a little too flirty w light and L just like, shuts that down. not so fun to b on the receiving end of that kind of jealousy.
who’s most likely to walk out on the other?
light. he’ll fucking do it at the drop of a hat too, just fucking walk out and not come back for three days. of course, they both think they can handle being separated so neither of them calls the other. but on the third day light’s trying to eat mcdonalds in his car and put a sausage mcmuffin in the hole L’s absence made so he goes to call him but his phone rings and it’s L on the other line like “please come back i forgot how quiet things r when ur not around also if ur at mcdonalds can u get me an apple pie okay thanks i love you.”
who will propose?
dklfsadlsfkj neither of them. they don’t want to get married tbh. i just literally can’t see them ever wanting to get married. if ur gonna put a gun to my head abt it tho, i would probably say light does but its only bc his mom started a campaign to get him to make an honest man out of L.
who has the most difficult parents?
um. i mean i guess light’s parents r more difficult. its not that they’re difficult tbh its more like they’re still adjusting to the life their son decided to lead bc its waaayyy different than what they thought was gonna happen. like first he’s gay (which isn’t a huge surprise to them like they’ve seen queer eye for the straight guy. they know things.) and then he’s dating some 24 yr old reclusive detective that happens to hv been soichiro’s boss for like a couple months and now light just sort of solves crimes w his boyfriend. so they’re being supportive but they’re also a little bit confused so sometimes it ends up in awkward situations where everyone’s at the dinner table and sachiko is like “so. what do your parents do, L?” and L is like “i don’t know who my parents were. i think they’re dead.” and she’s like, “oh. hm. well. that must b rlly rough for you.” meanwhile light is p much eating his napkin so he doesn’t start screaming at how little control he has over this shitty conversation.
who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public?
they r rarely in public but uh. light does. he’s getting used to being out and part of him just rlly enjoys the physical evidence of their relationship that hand holding provides. that closet was so suffocating. it’s time to let those hands breath a little.
who comes up for the other all the time?
i still don’t entirely understand what this means entirely but i’ll take my best stab at it. i think L comes up for light a lot, esp if he’s talking to like the wammies or literally anyone who isn’t light himself or his family. like, p much everyone is like “but.....he’s kira???” and L is like “look. listen. i don’t know why but he’s. he’s rlly important to me. so its maybe better if we don’t shit talk the guy who sucks my dick? at least not rn.” he doesn’t do it v often bc usually the insults thrown toward light r well deserved but sometimes he does. light doesn’t come up for L like ever. he nvr talks to anyone abt L. whomst would he tell? yamamoto? secretly he goes on a couple message boards tho and send mean anon messages to ppl talking shit abt L but that’s as close as he gets.
who hogs the blankets?
L will b wrapped in a big old blanket bundle like that picture of homer simpson where he’s like “ah. i’m just a big cozy cinnamon bun.” light’s like curled up on his side of the bed w just the sheet but then L reaches over and drags him into the blanket bundle so they r both toasty cinnamon buns together.
who gets more sad?
L is more prone to bouts of depression and can get lethargic if something hits him the wrong way. the first few times it happened, light tried to shake it out of him but he’s learned since then that he’s just gotta ride this shit out. so for a few days or weeks, he’s just got a sad boyfriend so they watch a lot of netflix and don’t get a ton of work done.
light v rarely gets sad. he’s got a v positive outlook on life and doesn’t let a lot of stuff ruin his mood. but when he is sad, its like a big event and he’s crying in the dry tub in just his briefs and a sweatshirt while listening to sufjan on repeat. look. he’s just gotta get it out of his system and then he’ll b fine!
who is better at cheering the other up?
light is better at finding stuff to cheer L up. if L is in a funk, he’ll go search for a good case or an interesting lead so he can present it to him like a cat dropping a mouse in front of him. L is.....not so good at cheering light up. all he knows is how to piss him off. but after a while he starts to puzzle out that light flourishes under praise so he’ll try to keep telling him what a good job he’s doing.
who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?
i said this in my mikami/light post but uh, light laughing is so uproarious that he just. whacks the person making him laugh on the back super hard. L doesn’t do anything the first time but the second time he grabs light by the wrist and is like “don’t. control ur self, u loud scream laughing monster.” light keeps his hands to himself when he laughs after that. he’s actually quite embarrassed of his natural laugh bc it is so obnoxious so he often tones it down but sometimes!!! shit’s just too funny!!!
who is more streetwise?
neither of these two know a god damn thing abt the streets. ok, L knows a little bit but he forgot it after building a giant fucking building for one investigation team of like six ppl.
who is more wise?
L knows more abt the world and has more experience than light does. he’s not quite wise?? but he’s definitely more knowledgeable and it smacks him in the face a lot how super young light is. how much he just doesn’t know. but L’s only in his mid twenties. what the fuck does he rlly know?
who’s the shyest?
mmm. they aren’t shy ppl by nature so i’d say neither of them. esp when they’re together. combining their levels of pure confidence is like putting a fire in a room with more fire; it just increases the amount of fire. as their relationship progresses, they get more assertive w each other and idk man. they just don’t do that shy shit.
who boasts about the other more?
mmmm. i don’t think they brag abt each other a lot but i think light kind of wants to brag abt being w L. i mean, he didn’t think it would happen but then L did come and want to start something with him and its like?? wrow. but he doesn’t rlly hv anyone to brag to so he just sort of lets it sit like a smoldering piece of coal in his stomach, keeping him warm. L exculsively brags abt light during video conferences w the wammies like “MY PARTNER, WHO IS A GENIUS AND V ATTRACTIVE, AND I, WHO IS DATING THIS ATTRACTIVE GENIUS, HV FOUND A CLUE” and like everyone rolls their eyes like “dude u told us the same shit last week like please please please stop telling us abt ur hot boyfriend.”
who sits on who’s lap?
light!!! sits!!! on L’s lap!!!! all the time!!! he curls up in there like a cat and plays w L’s hair.
“am i making it hard to do ur work?” he asks, fingers scratching on L’s scalp.
“yes. but that’s okay. light shouldn’t move.”
so he doesn’t and just falls asleep there, hand on the back of L’s neck and drooling on his shoulder. its cute in like an ugly way.
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odfidk: 140818 - 1
ok so i really want to talk to a therapist but i wont be comfortable explaining my life story if theyre white. i just want help cus im always so tired but no one helps. ive been angry, fighting my whole life but no one cares. i came as an angry anxious baby. i was furious when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time, abandoned multiple times just to be bought by these white foreigners i didnt even understand. but no one cared. no one knew how to handle my loss and pain, and my dad’s emotionally abusive as it is, making me grow up, feeling like theres smth wrong with me. that im just an annoying angry kid by default or smth, while my sister was the perfect one. thats why i always protected her. thats why i always stood up against his accusations, guilt tripping and anger. because my little sister was too afraid and i was already labelled as the problematic kid. but im tired. she’s fkn 15. after all the things ive done for her the least she gan do is ask me how im feeling fromt time to time. my whole family knows ive been depressed for like 2 years and the only one who cares is my mom who just survived a 7 year old long ptsd. i hear from her that my sister appreciates it but i never get anything from her. i dont feel appreciated in this family at all. im still the angry annoying sjw and nothing i say will ever be taken seriously by our dad cus hes a master of making both me, my sister and mom (probably brothers too but they fkn abandoned us a long time ago those pussies, leaving 10 year old me to fend for me and lil sis all on my own while our parents were divorcing, mom was suicidal, dad abusive and economy crashing) feel like shit. their divorce was probably my first trigger factor. it took me 2,5 years, i was 4 the first time i dared to let go of my parents. first time they could leave me out of sight without me being ”annoying and screaming” aka having a fucking panic attack. their divorce was another abandonment, another trauma and i never learnt how to get over that either.
yesterday i was crying in the bathroom for 2 hours straight bc my family doesnt love me, i get out and no one cares. i literally told my dad he wouldnt care if i died yesterday and he didnt react. he fkn closed the balcony door bc he didnt want the neighbors to hear me ”so angry and upset”. i yelled at him that when i commit suicide its going to be his fault but hes so narcissist and dumb he doesnt understand. so i threw smth and destroyed smth and tHEN he reacted. i love having to use unhealthy techniques like suicide threats and murdering threats to get a reaction. i once did that and this ex friend threatened to report me to the police for murder threat. her mom even called my boyfriends mom to warn them of me but she didnt even call my mom??? she didnt care abt the fact that next to my ”i want to kill everyone. dream of murdering my family” i also wrote ”i want to kill myself”. dont remind me of this though. im not proud of it. i know its weong to manipuqlte like this but no one teached me how to deal with my feelings and avandonemnt issues in a healthy way. and so i’ve took after my dad and turned into this controlling emtoionally abuser, all bottled up, constantly angry and sad, guilt tripping and manipulating the people im supposed to love in fear of them abandoning me. and i will always hate the world for making me suffer like this.
i just want to rest. im tired of always fighting for something as basic as love and safety. i never got over the loss of mom and culture and people. and i lost every sense of safety i had built up during my adoptive parents divorce and older brothers leaving. and im unhappy, im always unhappy because i miss my mom and culture and people so much. i feel misplaced and lost. the only thing keeping me alive being the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of being able to actually help people with my experiences and knowledge, to help other international transracial adoptees or maybe fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like.... nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. if im never going to be happy ive been suffering for nothing. ive tried so hard in my life but nothing works. im cursed. i really am cursed but not only do people leave me im also incapable of feeling other peoples love. i cant feel other peoples love because the only love i want is my mothers. my REAL mother, my ACTUAL mother, the chinese mother society loves to shame and make me forget because you all see her as a threat to my white parents claim over me.
the only difference between me and all those other ”normal” adoptees (aka my little sister) is that they’re whitewashed to death by their family, probably even more emotionally abused than i was and also they’ve repressed their feelings and trauma and I AM THE VERY REASON ADOPTEES DO THAT. ME AND ADOPTEES OVERREPRESENTATION IN SUICIDE STATISTICS ARE THE REASONS BECAUSE ITS GOING TO KILL YOU. my abortion and friend-break up was the last trigger before i exploded but believe me, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. my whole life has been a trigger. however many adoptees live their whole lives without ever waking up from this pretty little perfect sunshine story their parents and society had told them. there’s a reason so many adoptees are whitewashed to death and hates your disrespectful nosy questions. its a survival technique. we know that if we want to survive a life with our background conditions, then we have to repress our feelings concerning our adoption and everything associated with it. its not conciously, ITS A DEFENSE MECHANISM. and we get so much shit for it, which is understandable because many adoptees are fucking racist asshats. but you need to fucking understand that its because they’ve learnt to hate themselves and their own people. they’re TERRIFIED of being associated with immigrants and people of color because they know their white racist parents secretely hate them and actually secretely hate them too. all they want is love, they dont know anything else. it sucks to argue with a 40 year old adoptee of color though who’s still racist and whitewashed af, thats just sad and i would love to focus more on younger adoptees and help and support them through their ”awakening”. the awakening is much like learning about sexism or racism and how its ingrained in everything and practiced by your family and friends. just 100x worse cus you realize your family isnt even your family and you’re all alone in your thoughts, feelings, experiences and eventual search.
and adoptive parents and adoption organisations need to take fucking respnsobility for once without blaming everything on our traumatic past. you’re not ready to adopt non-white kids with trauma. you’re not educated enough and you placing us in all-white countries and neighborhoods, with problematic and abusive parents will not help. and im not speaking for myself, im speaking for ALL international transracial adoptees. im tired of hearing ”but your sister”, ”but my daughter is not”, ”my son doesnt care” WELL AS I SAID THEY DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN THEM THE CHANCE OR REASON TO CARE. IVE SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR MY SISTER. IVE FOUGHT OUR PARENTS, IVE TOLD THEM I HATE THEM, IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO TEST THEM, MY MOM WAS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND I WAS THE MOST ANNOYING PROBLEMATIC KID EVER BECAUSE 1. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN AND 2. TO SEE IF THEY WOULD FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH AND LEAVE ME. I DID THAT BECAUSE I COULDNT LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR OF ONE DAY HAVING THEM GROW TIRED OF ME AND ABANDON ME. I WANTED THEM TO BECAUSE THEIR DIVORCE WAS AVANDOBMENT ENOUGH. I DID THAT BECAUSE MY KIND LITTLE QUIET SISTER WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO. SHE WOULD NEVER DARE TO STAND UP AGAINST OUR DAD OR QUESTION THEIR BAD PARENTING AND UNDEDUCATION WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM/ADOPTION INDUSTRY BECAUSE SHES SCARED. SHE HATES CONFLICTS AND FIGHTS BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT TRIGGERS HER. SHE GETS TRIGGERED BY FIGHTS AND I GET TEIGGERED WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME BECAUSE SHES AVOIDANT AND IM ATTACKING. I WANT TO FIGHT BC THATS HOW I FEEL PPL CARE. WHEN MY DAD WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGHT OR SAY SOMETHING THATS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER. WHEN I FIGHT WITH MT BF AND HE DOESNT ANSWER MY TEXTS OR HE SUDDENLY HUNGS UP ON ME THATS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER. MY SISTER WOULD HUNG UP BC SHE WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME SCARY BUT WE ALL GET TRIGGERED BY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR TRUSMA AND OUR ABANDOMENT ISSUES. SHES ALSO AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, WE ALL FUCKING ARE, MANY OF US JUST DONT KNOW IT YET BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ARENT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE KIDS WITH TRAUMA. I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE POLITICS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE SO I EDUCATED MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. MY SISTER LOVES NATURAL SCIENCE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW A SHIT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BISEXUAL IS AND SHES FKN 15, SHES AWESOME AT NATURAL SHIT AND THATS IT. I KNOW BECAUSE IVE ACTIVELY SOUGHT INFORMATION ABOUT IT BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. NO ONE HELPED ME. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS THANKS TO MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. ADOPTIVE PARENTS DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT RACISM OR TRAUMAS. MY MOM UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT IF I DIDNT COME UP WITH THESE THEORIES ON MY OWN SHE NEVER WOULD. SHE TELLS ME NOW AT AGE 19 THAT ADOPTING ME, SEEING ME SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE AS I WAS HANDED OVER FELT WRONG. SHE FELT LIE SHE WAS TAKING ME, THAT IT WAS INHUMANE. AND NOW SHE KNEW WHY. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING WRONG AND INHUMANE. SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION IF I DIDNT PUSH HER WITH MY KNOWLEGE. IM THE ONE EDUCATING MY PARENTS AND ITS ONLY MY MOM LISTENING AND SINCE SHES WHITE AND NOT ADOPTED HERSELF SHES STILL ONLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND LIKE 50% OF IT
i honestly dont get enough appreciation in this family. the only thinkers in this family is me, my mom and one of my brothers. but fuck him as i said, he abandoned us during their divorce and he’s been absent all my teenage years. we could have been close, he could have helped me bc he also suffered from depression. he gould have protected me like i proteced my little sister but he didnt. maybe it was the age gap or the fact that me and my sister are adopted while he and our other brother isnt, we’ll never know. all i know is that unlike my other brother and our dad he’s not completely unfamiliar with what racism, sexism and capitalism is. he’s not dumb and empty. he got a brain and he would be capable of understanding these things just like mom if he wanted to. but its been so many years, he’s fucking 28 and he betrayed me that bitch.
i really dont get enough appreciation. no one ever tells me they love me or appreciate my brain since im the only one analyzing shit. my mom does too but only personal and psycholgy shit never society or groups like oppression and structures and systems. im the only one doing that and im good at it. i always see patterns and i know my politics very well so i can easily see what kind of ideology people have. but i never get credit for it. im still just the lazy kid while my sister get cred for..... idk studying and working our and being didciplined. also ive been through mich more than anyone in this family. my mom and brother has also been through shit, i mean okay ALL OF them have because all people go through shit, but ive LEARNT things and they havent. they’ve repressed it or ignored it. only my mom and brother have also learnt but they never talk. my brother is avodiant like my sister. he never talks. hes quiet to himself and thinks. my mom talks but shes still a pussy