Fuck my thoughts on marriage/relationships swing from like wanting absolutely nothing to do with it to longing for it and back in like 5 seconds flat
Like, sometimes there’s just this gentle idea of two people just,, being there,, together. Being there for each other. Someone you know you can count on, to spend time with for the rest of your life. And yeah you can have that without marriage, and yeah friendships are important and valid too but having one person there for you for all the ups and downs, enjoying life’s simple pleasures together seems nice.
But then I’ll think about like having one person around you all the time seems exhausting, like needing to tell someone where you’re going before you go somewhere (or at least when you decide to go somewhere) because they’ll be worried about you seems so stifling if I want to freaking take off down the road for a sudden road trip I can’t just do that if I have a partner like that, or a relationship, a marriage. I couldn’t hop on a plane on a whim with just my purse, a jacket, and my passport if I were in a stable relationship. I’d have to coordinate with someone, telling them my plans in advance, have to accommodate their stuff in my life. I couldn’t just decide to get up and go on a walk at 3am without telling the partner, bc it’d be inconsiderate of the other person in my life that I had made a commitment to.
And then I think about like the trope of a contractual marriage, or a marriage out of practicality instead of love and that kinda interests me in that it’d be based on a different kind of relationship from the start,, like you do your think ill do my thing and when we’re together we’re together. I feel like a relationship that is less restricting than the traditional one thought of when you think of marriage might be ok, like because this is for reasons other than pure love and affection for each other there wouldn’t be as much obligation to do the things that I feel would make me feel stifled or controlled or restricted. But would that kind of relationship be worth it to me in the first place? Would there be any emotional support or emotional reasoning at all for that kind of relationship? Bc like I said, the thing that kinda makes me want a relationship or marriage is the allure of having a constant, having that shared domestic bliss stuff I already talked about.
And then there’s the societal thing to consider, like do I really want a marriage or a relationship or am I just brainwashed by the heteronormative, monogamous nature of our society, so I really want romantic love or do I just like the idea of it? And if I did decide I wanna do marriage, I know that if I marry a guy, I’m just reinforcing the heteronormative patriarchal narrative, like I’d wanna be on equal footing with whoever my partner may be, but are there truly any guys out there who really don’t consider women to be less than men? Are there men that exist that have not been, even down to the subconsious level, affected by the patriarchal views and norms of society? Would there be a guy that would view me as a true equal, rather than someone inferior? Even if there’s a guy unaffected though, society as a whole would never see us as true equals, like even if I’m assertive and confident, he would always be viewed as the man of the household, the leader in the relationship to society at large. Like, even in media, fiction, etc the relationships between a man and a woman always have a balance of power that favors the dude. Like, even if the woman appears to be on equal footing, the way the actions are framed, the dialog, the narrative, it always ends up favoring the dude. The dude always has control. Like she might be able to turn his head but when it comes down to it, she is the one that capitulates, that is subservient, that acquiesces to him. And that is squicky for me. The whole concept of marriage is a bit squicky for me because of the power dynamics intrinsically tied to marriage, especially between a man and a woman. (side note, I think this is a big part of why I read gay shit more than straight shit)
The way to somewhat avoid this would be to go the other way, get into a relationship with a lady or non-binary or genderfluid person, but am I really confident that I’d be able to face my family with a partner that isn’t a straight man? Like, in my life there are so many things I do to keep the peace in my family, to not rock the boat, to not be weird, to not be an outcast. There are so many choices I make that I make in the vein of going along to get along. I hold my tongue, I make a different choice, I say something else, all because it is so much easier to do so. In my immediate family, there is no one who has come forth, or has even slightly hinted at, being LGBTQ+. Even in my extended family, there’s only 1 other person I know of that is confirmed to be not straight, and she isn’t out either, for probably similar reasons. Like, I can pass as straight for now, but could I ever become brave enough or willful enough to make a choice that isn’t the path of least resistance?
There’s always the option of just living with people, being a family without marriage. I almost feel like marriage is the thing itself that establishes that inequality, like once you say I do with a guy, that’s it, you are never again seen as a truly independent, equal human being. So avoid it, just cohabitate with people. If you never make it official then you never make yourself permanently less than, you still can maintain that slippery slope of being seen as an equal human being. Because if you aren’t tying the not, then they never truly hold that power over you. But still when I think of the idea of having someone to report back to, to consistently communicate with, to accommodate, I get this stifled repressed feeling, like I’d almost rather die alone than have to be tethered to someone like that.
And sometimes the idea of being alone, independent, no kids, no partner, just me, my life, my desires, my freedom, my travels sounds amazing. I’d be free for the rest of my life, only choosing to return to my family when I want to return to my family, only choosing to be around people I truly want to be around. And it’s not like there aren’t other important relationships in my life. Like, a good half of my relatives I do enjoy being around, and I have friends that are important to me. I’m already an aunt (I have some pretty awesome niblings) and I could probably be an adoptive godmother to someone for the children thing. I’m not even really sure I want kids, like that’s a lot to handle. Plus I wouldn’t wanna fuck them up with my own fucked up stuff, or subject them to the half of my relatives that I’m not such a huge fan of. But if I did need kids I could adopt. Or hell, just get the kid and skip the sex via a sperm donor. Or foster kids. Or just fucking babysit other people’s kids for a couple of days, that might cure that desire. Or get an animal. Animals are great too.
But then I think of domestic bliss?, but then I think of being stifled, then I think but marriage/relationships?, then I think but w/guys the perma inequality, but what about a not straight relationship? then i think but the fear and panic and unease of doing not straight bc my family
And then sometimes, I just wish I had been born as a guy, never having to worry if I’d be seen as an equal to my partner. Sometimes I feel like it’d be easy to just chop of the boobs and move on with my life. Maybe then I would feel less stressed about it all. Or maybe I should make like the historic not-straights and just live with “a good friend” for the rest of my days. Or maybe just die alone after a long, fulfilling life of just doing my own thing.