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#married smut
therealgchu · 1 month
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WIP Wednesday - Mirror Mirror
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trying to keep to a publishing schedule, folks. i am nothing if not self-disciplined. ok, that was a lie. just don't look at the state of my house.
tagging the coemancer crew for today. i am also eagerly anticipating bathrobe!del fics. i have a mighty need. @atonalginger, @silurisanguine, @eridanidreams, @toxiclizardwrites, @fangbangerghoul, @aro-pancake, @bearlytolerant, @lisa-and-shadow, @order-of-the-eye, @staticpallour, and whoever else i'm missing.
with the help and encouragement fangbangerghoul, i'm going to post up a sneak peek of what i'll (hopefully) be publishing on friday, so long as i don't chicken out. listen, i'm a genx woman raised catholic by silent gen parents in minnesota. you may think you know shame, but i was born in it. moulded by it.
anyway.
if you want to read my fic since the beginning, check it out on ao3.
sexy times sneak peek (sexy parts under the cut)
Hwa had just gotten out of the shower and was standing wrapped in a towel before the full-length mirror in their bedroom, glowering at her reflection. She didn’t like her reflection under the best of circumstances. At the moment, her curls were frizzing out wildly in all directions. She raked her fingers through her hair, trying to calm down the frizz, but only made it worse. Weren’t Asians supposed to have straight, glossy hair? So, why this disaster?  She was too short, too stocky, and had no curves to speak of. Not for the first time she felt that the universe was making a mockery of her.
Sam, wearing only sweatpants, walked up behind and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, noticing the face she made at her reflection. He looked back to her, then back to her reflection. “Tell me what you see,” he asked, nodding to the mirror.
Hwa sighed and looked away, “A very plain, very short Asian woman,” she answered.
“I’ll tell you what I see,” he removed her towel and let it drop to the floor. “I see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met,” he pointed to the mirror. “I see the woman who stole my heart. The best wife a person could have. A wonderful stepmother to my daughter. And the sexiest person alive.”
“You’re biased,” she said laughing, disbelieving, shaking her head. “And, insane.”
“I may be biased, but I’m not wrong. And, if I’m insane, you’re the one that married a mad man.” He leaned down and placed his cheek next to hers. “I wish you’d believe me,” he whispered in her ear. An idea popped into his head and he smiled devilishly. His left hand cupped a breast and his right slowly snaked its way down her stomach. “I’ll make you believe me,” he whispered in her ear, and moved to nibble on her neck. 
“Sam, I don’t think,” she started. 
“Shush,” he whispered as his left hand fondled a nipple. Hwa closed her eyes as she arched her neck and leaned into his body. “Oh no,” he said as he forced her to stand up straight. “Keep looking in the mirror,” he growled and nipped at her shoulder.
“But…but…” she moaned.
"No, this is a butt,” and he smacked her ass. “Now, look in the mirror,” he commanded. Hwa looked up at Sam as he placed two fingers in her mouth. “There, this will keep you looking where I want you looking.” He gently forced her head back down. His right hand reached between her thighs and began light stroking. His right foot nudged her feet further apart to give his hand better access. “Eyes open, darlin,” he said as his fingers parted her sex. She began licking and sucking his fingers and stared at his reflection instead. He slapped her ass again, “Eyes front, I said.” She nipped his fingers, but shifted to looking at herself. “Good girl,” he said and parted her nether lips.
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kenm4vhs · 7 months
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sorry for the noise that’s just me barking
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johannepetereric · 8 months
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Kon has constant metaphysical boners and blue balls. So Orihime takes advantage of that.
Kon is very honest about his feelings, especially for his attraction to other women, to a seemingly-masochistic degree. (Except Chappy. Never fucking Chappy, ever, he says.) Even in a world, where he isn’t jumping anybody with tiddles, I bet that would still be the case. So once Ichihime get married, it doesn’t take long for him to say, “Fuck me anytime! Even when I’m sleeping!” It’s Ichi time off to leave somewhere, and she elected to stay behind. That night, she thinks about Ooh Surprise Devil Idea, remembering the Mod Soul’s declaration (that he keeps repeating every once in a while). Kon sounds to be sleeping, so she crouches (maybe crawls) over to where their dick is (Depending on whether you think Kon sleeps as naked as his plushie form, she’d have to unravel that, too), and starts jerking him off. After one orgasm, it turns into a blow job deal, and he’s thrusting into her, and all that good Plotless Porn stuff.
No angst siree except trolololling over whether or not to tell Ichigo XD
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2hightocare · 3 months
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SNOW IMPRINTS ✷
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“I’m grown, I’m not dipping my dick in the snow to compare dick sizes.”
Synopsis: What was supposed to be a family reunion, ends in comparing dick sizes.
Genre: established relationship! married au!
Pairings: DILF!Jungkook x fem!reader
Warnings: Jungkook being whipped as fuck, Jungkook being a girl dad! (Cute.) a lot of cussing, mentions of sex, mentions of consumption of alcohol, found family.. Jungkook is just such a cutesy dramatic baby!
a/n: hai… I disappeared for a bit but happy new year!! I read “unravel me” and it inspired me to write this super short blurb so enjoy Jungkook being a golden retriever husband. (Ignore all mistakes, wrote this while high) 🤍 Word count: 1.4k
“I’m literally the biggest DILF,” your husband starts again. Jungkook points to himself while Iseul giggles in his arms.
“If you don’t shut the fuc—“ Yoongi irks.
“No cussing!” You and all the wives jump in. A heavy sigh leaves your mouth because this is like the hundredth time you have told all the boys not to cuss when the kids are around. Not since what happened when you decided to babysit Ye joon.
“Jeon, get your ass in here!” You shout from the kitchen, hoping your husband can hear you from upstairs. You stare at the empty cookie jar you had refilled yesterday, and there was only one reason why they were gone.
“What, baby?! What’s wrong?” Jungkook runs down the stairs with Iseul in one hand and Ye joon in the other. The two babies laugh at the bouncing. “Did you eat all the cookies!?” You glare at Jungkook, your hands on your hips as your husband looks everywhere but your eyes.
“Actually… Taehyung stole some when he left Ye joon.” He explains as if that would change anything. Knowing Jungkook for ten years, you know damn well Taehyung maybe took three cookies and the other fifty Jungkook ate them.
“No more cookies.” You announce with a shrug not wasting any time and move closer to your daughter who’s in your husband's arms, who stands there with mouth agape.
“No mowe cookies dada!” Iseul giggles as she makes grabby hands for you to pick her up, wiggling out of Jungkook's arms as you grab her.
“Now what do you mean no more cookies?” Jungkook switches Ye joon to his other arm, mouth hanging open dramatically. “There were like three packs in there, and you ate them in a few hours, so no more cookies.” You dance around the kitchen with Iseul in your arms, her chubby arms wrap around your neck as she laughs non-stop. Contrast from Jungkook on the other side of the white counter.
“What the fuck, baby?” Jungkook literally whines as Ye joon giggles, his little hands in his mouth, drool dripping down his chubby cheeks. “Come here, baby, come with your aunt.” You make your way to Ye joon only to stop in your tracks.
“Fuck!” Ye joon beams, clapping his hands, smiling up at you with all his baby teeth showing, as you stare at him dumbfounded.
“No, no, no, don’t say that.” You quickly interfere as Jungkook is staring at you with wide eyes. “Fuck! Fuck!” Ye joon laughs as Iseul joins in.
“Fuck!” Another giggle.
“This is so your fault!” You point to your husband who is trying so hard not to laugh. “Don’t laugh!” You put a hand over your mouth, trying to hide your amusement.
“I’m not— fuck!” Jungkook slaps a hand over his mouth.
“How the fuck are we going to explain this to Taehyung and Ari?” you sigh with a slight laughter in your tone.
“Fuck!”
“We couldn’t get Ye joon to stop saying the f word for like two weeks straight; daycare was seriously about to kick him out,” Taehyung sighs dramatically as Yoongi stares at Eunbi, his wife who stares down at her tiny belly. Wondering if that’s going to be his case in the future.
“Let’s pray for the new baby to not come out like this little beast,” Jimin squeezes Ye joon’s cheeks, making him squirm in Taehyung’s arms.
Ye joon, three years old, Taehyung and Ari’s child, the second-born from the group and the most mischievous, he really doesn’t listen to anyone but his parents, besides Jungkook and you. His godparents. Jiho, first-born, Seokjin’s and Lora’s child. He’s about to turn ten in January. Iseul, third-born, Jungkook's and your child, two years old and the only girl at the moment.
Besides Eunbi, who’s three months pregnant, no one else is going to have kids anytime soon, well, that’s what they say.
“It’s cold; let's go inside, girls.” You suggest as you pick up Iseul from her dad's arms, as the girls stand up following your movements inside the house through the glass door.
“Give Ye joon to Ari!” Hoseok hushes as he swats Taehyung on the shoulder. “Babe! Take Ye joon!” Taehyung shouts. Ari laughs at how her husband has Ye joon up in the air like the Lion King waiting to be taken.
“Come with mama.” Ari picks up the boy in a puffer jacket, making him look like a big marshmallow before skipping inside, joining all the girls inside.
𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒
“So sad Seokjin and Namjoon couldn’t come... they really decided on that cabin instead of us, crazy.” Jimin whines as he takes a sip of his beer before placing it in the hole he made in the snow before snuggling into his sweater.
“Honestly, I would take being in a cabin with my wife a hundred times more than being here,” Jungkook playfully jokes, “imagine the bomb-ass sex in the woods,” He smirks with the rim of his bottle on his lips, making the rest of the boys roll their eyes.
“Crazy how y/n has you wrapped around her finger,” Yoongi chimes in, blowing into his hands as if it would make them non-cold.
“Not even.” Jungkook playfully rolls his eyes.
“Dude, you’re so whipped, like it’s so fucking crazy,” Taehyung joins in, as he laughs when the boys hum in agreement.
“Dude, you tried to wrap her in bubble wrap when she was pregnant because you swore she would fall and hurt herself,” Hoseok recalls two years ago. “She could’ve fallen down the stairs; I needed to take precautions,” Jungkook tries to defend himself but fails miserably.
“What the fuck is that for?” You question your husband who enters the main door with a giant bubble wrap roll.
“This is for your safety, baby, can’t have you falling and hurting yourself, so I’m wrapping the whole house like it’s a Christmas present.”
You stare at your husband who is speaking literally, “Jeon, you are not wrapping anything,” you warn him.
“It’s either wrapping this house up or I’m wrapping you in bubble wrap for nine months... your choice baby,” Jungkook shrugs, looking down at your laying body on the couch, hands rubbing down your two-month pregnant belly.
“Be extremely for real.” Your mouth drops open dramatically.
“Even Iseul in her two years of life has you pining after her; imagine when she gets a boyfriend.” Jimin brings up, almost sending Jungkook into a cardiac attack right there and there.
“Fuck no! No boys till she’s forty!” Jungkook points his finger to Jimin. “Or girls either!” He finishes with a pout, making the boys howl in laughter.
𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒
“Excuse the fuck outta me!” Jungkook shoots up from his chair.
Somehow the conversation steered with a lighthearted joke about who was the biggest, and suddenly everyone ganged up on Jungkook, talking about he had the smallest dick of all of them.
“We all know that Taehyung has the biggest dick here, let's be honest,” Jimin shrugs, which only makes Jungkook's jaw drop lower.
“Say less, only one way to find out.” Jungkook reaches for his zipper.
“Ayo, what the fuck! There are children here,” Hoseok rushes out, “we are not about to whip our dicks out to compare sizes,” he finishes.
“Of course not.” Jungkook makes his way to the snow, his back facing the boys as his zipper gets pulled down, and before everyone knows it, he spreads his arms wide, face planting in the white snow.
“Shit, fuck, cold!” He scrambles to his feet, tucking himself in as he shivers from the cold. Then, he chuckles with a grin plastered on his face as he points to the snow angel on the snow… and a perfectly shaped imprint of his cock.
“So who’s next?” Jungkook asks.
“I’m grown, I’m not dipping my dick in the snow to compare dick sizes.” Yoongi shakes his head, crossing his arms.
They all dipped their dicks in the snow to compare dick sizes.
“What the fuck! I swear it shrunk cause it’s cold, I swear,” Taehyung begs to the boys who stare at all the lined imprints.
“Motherfuckers, I told y'all I was the biggest,” Jungkook smiles proudly as he sees he is the biggest out of all of them.
“I can’t believe this, we just boosted his ego more,” Jimin sighs as he stares at his own imprint and then to Jungkook's.
The glass door slides open, making the five men abruptly turn around. Five women come marching towards them, “what are you guys doing?” Ari asks, with a big smile on her face.
“Nothing,” Taehyung answers a little too fast.
You stare at your husband, raising your eyebrow at him, and that makes him fold like a lawn chair. “We were comparing dick sizes in the snow,” Jungkook blurts out, “I won though!” He cheers, pointing to his snow angel happily.
“Fucking shit, y/n how are you upright?” Eunbi gasps as she stares at Jungkook's imprint. “Now we know why you are always so damn happy,” Yoongi chimes in with a grin.
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carissime · 6 months
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Literally no thoughts just Gojo after your wedding carrying you over the threshold of your hotel room. You’re not leaving for your honeymoon until the morning but he nearly trips on the doorframe in his haste.
“You really don’t need to carry me—”
“But it’s tradition, we need to consummate the marriage!” he insists. Within seconds his lips are against yours and he’s fumbling with the light switch, and you finally swat his hand away and just beg him to take you to the bed.
He works the zipper of your dress down, part of him sad that he’s not going to see you in this gorgeous gown again, but then it reveals your white lace lingerie and the groan he lets out is broken and guttural and desperate.
This is far from the first time he’s seen you like this, but there’s something about this moment here and now that makes it so much more intense, so much more intimate and he just never wants to let you go.
“Satoru,” you whisper, and his breath hitches.
He leans down to capture your lips in a kiss. “Shh, I know. Just lemme take care of you, like I promised.”
And when he sees the gold band on his fourth finger pressing into the skin of your hips as he sheaths himself inside of you, he nearly loses himself, sending up a prayer to whatever gods are listening that he can keep his promise to keep you safe and happy forever.
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nanivinsmoke · 8 days
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Forbidden Fruit
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Toji x F!Reader
okay okay i know i just wrote something about toji recently but got this man is on my mind… this might be pretty short.
summary : can’t help but to taste what’s not yours.
warnings : small age gap, reader is in her late 20s and toji is in his late 30s, sexting, phone sex, cheating (toji is married to your sister), cream pies, mentions of breeding, & some anal. nickname: daddy, mama princess….
you couldn’t help yourself each time he came around and neither could he. what started off as small as flirting, quickly turned into something more serious.
sneaking away to see you even though he was married to your sister? it was wrong. he knew it and you knew it too. but, who gave a damn? your sister wasn’t a good person either.
you saw this as her karma for her breaking up your past relationships. fucking and flirting each of your ex-boyfriends and telling you that they were “no good for you anyways” as her reasoning.
the affair between you started the day they got married. as you sat in your hotel room, your phone chimed and it was a message from him telling you that he couldn’t keep his fucking eyes off you, no matter how hard he tried. the text followed with a picture of his boner behind his black boxers.
you couldn’t believe it when your first saw the message. you spent a good thirty minutes contemplating what should you do before you responded with a picture of your hard nipples, poking through your t-shirt you were sleeping in.
during his entire honeymoon, toji spent it sexting you. the both of you sending pictures and videos back and forth to each other, building up the temptation and excitement. the last day of their trip, he called you while your sister was asleep; voice raspy and sexy. he told you how they didn’t have sex this whole time they were away and that he needed some help to relieve the strain in his pants.
smiling, you sat on the edge of your kitchen counter and began teasing your nipples the more he talked. the more you pinched and listened to his voice, the hornier you became and before you knew it; you were two fingers deep in your dripping wet cunt.
“soo wet for you—fuck im cumming~” you breathed into the phone as your creamed right there on your counter top, putting the phone on speaker so he can hear everything. he was right behind you on the other end, grunting and moaning out your name; shooting a thick load out onto his hand. a few seconds later he sent you a picture of his cum filled hand, begging for you to come help him clean it up.
when he finally returned from his honeymoon he immediately hit you up, wanting to come and see you. he told you that your sister wanted to visit your parents for a week, which meant he wanted to be with you for that week as well. so, you spent the early hours of the day getting ready for his arrival.
fridge was stocked with food and drinks. you went shopping, picking out lingerie you thought he might like, but you know once he sees you in it; he’ll be ripping it off in a heartbeat. you thought about cooking for him, but decided against it because you aren’t his wife. instead you ordered takeout for the both of you.
you were wearing nothing but a tight fitting t-shirt and your panties, watching reruns of your favorite show; when you heard your doorbell ring, followed by a knock. clicking the television off, you got up from your spot on the couch and walked over to your front door. after checking the peephole, you opened the door and immediately pull him in a kiss.
your plump lips melting on his, kissing him like it was the last time you ever will. and when you parted from him, a trail of salvia followed after you which you happily licked up. “damn mama, missed me that much?” toji chortled, closing the door behind him and handing you the brown paper bag he had in his hand.
“hungry? there’s food in the kitchen” you told him, looking in the paper bag as you walked. he had two bottles of wine and a box of condoms. “condoms? we won’t be needing those.” turning around to look at him, he raised an eyebrow and chuckled. oh, he was going to have way too much fun with you.
he grabbed the bag out of your hand and sat it on a near by coffee table, before grabbing your hand and leading you to your plush brown couch. pulling you down on his lap as he sat, his huge hands rubbing your ass that wasn’t hidden by your panties. “not hungry, hm?”
“not for food” he said lowly, hand tugging at your panties; his forest colored eyes darkening by the moment. your body got all warm and the middle of your underwear started to dampen. “don’t worry baby, I’ve got something to satisfy your hunger~” your words fueled him and his lips pressed on your’s as he pressed you down on his crotch hard, his boner poking you through his dark grey sweatpants.
his lips moved from yours to side of your neck, kissing and licking on it; finding the sweet spot immediately. moans and whimpers falling out of your mouth, your arousal building by the second. you rolled your hips against his clothed cock, your slick seeping out and onto his pants. his hands gripped the hell out of your cheeks, halting your movements before he pulled away from your sweet neck. a whine escaped your lips and you looked at him with a pout.
“calm down, princess. this couch is way too small for me to fuck you the way i want to” the older male said, a smirk printed on his tan face—his scar rising when he does. it took everything in you not to pounce on him, getting up from his lap your face flushed with embarrassment when you saw the wet spot you left on him. his smirk deepened when he caught your gaze. he grabbed your hand and you led him to your bedroom, where your king sized bed sat.
wasting no time, he attacks your body again with lust fueled kisses—both of your clothes being tossed on the bed one by one. his big hands gripping your ass, spreading them apart while his cock pokes you in the front. your slick had made its way down to your ass cheeks, which he felt as teased your aching hole from the back. “toji~!” you whined, spreading your legs further apart; letting him tease you some more.
his scarred lip turned up into a smirk again, thick digit pushing its way inside of you, “please, just fuck me already~.” with one swift movement you were no longer touching the floor, instead you were in the air, his arms underneath your thighs holding you up. reaching under, you angled his girthy cock to your wet folds—rubbing your slick on it before pushing the fat mushroom tip inside of you.
wincing at the pain that came with it, you leaned closer towards his bare, sculpted chest, gripping at his shoulder blades. “you can take it~” he coached, wiggling his hips so his cock could move around in your tight canal—letting you get used to it.
“so fucking good—shhhittt, right there” your cries of pleasure echoed in his ear, the minute you got used to him and his pace increased. his balls slapped your cunt, getting coated in your wetness which drove you crazy. the more he moved the more his cock drove you crazy. if you new how good this would’ve felt, you would’ve fucked him a long time ago, way before he got married to your sister.
toji’s hands moved to your ass, squeezing the fat together—his stroke deepening with each thrust. the way he filled you up in each stroke made small drips of fluid leak from your cunt. “squirting already? pussy’s too fucking good~” hearing you whimper and mewl ignited something in him, his dick pushing into you harder and deeper than the last. you was sure your pussy would be stretched and sore when he got done with you.
the feeling of your walls clench rapidly around him made him go insane. “you’re gonna cum for me, daddy? please. please. please, i want your cum so bad” you babbled, tugging at his hair, your own orgasm approaching.
his green eyes stayed locked on yours, lidded and blank—his hips slamming into yours. “cumming—fuckkkkk” his load shot out in thick ropes, filling your pussy up to the brim. you let out a loud moan and nibbled at his ear lobe, cumming all over his cock.
———
‘PLAP. PLAP. PLAP. PLAP’
the juicy sound of your ass clapping against his bare pelvis echoed in the room as he drilled you from the back. being that his wife wasn’t fucking him he was so pent up that his balls were still aching for another release.
you had never been fucked like this either. the way he made your pussy his, left you in awe. you were falling in love with him and his dick. and although he was with someone else, you were his and he was yours.
hearing his phone vibrate and ring, he reached over to his sweatpants that was tossed on the bed; he pulled out his phone and answered it once he saw the name that popped up. “hey honey? how’s your parents?” he spoke, greeting his wife; your sister while continuing to fuck your cunt sloppy.
you must’ve clenched around him a little to tightly because he sent a hard slap to your ass, making you moan into the mattress. the thought of you being caught fucking someone else’s husband only made you hornier. you swiftly reached underneath you and began to fondle his balls, earning a deep breath from him.
“nothing, just watching a movie. huh…miss you too” he looked down at you when you turned you head at him, smirking while you continued to massage him. toji looked down at your ass and at your puckering hole, smiling wickedly when your eyes widened once his finger prodded at it. “wait baby—nghhh~”
his thick digit sat curled in your hole, moving it around each time he dug himself deeper inside you. “uh huh. yes i love you too, bye” he tossed his phone somewhere on the floor, one large hand on your hip, pounding you deep into your soft mattress. he groaned at the tight sensation that engulfed his cock, so fucking wet—just for him.
“breed this little cunt, yeah? make you swollen with my babies~”
“cumming. im cumming so hard for you daddy”
with two more hard pumps, his dick twitched inside of you and he emptied his balls out; draining him completely with your orgasm following. your body shook and spasmed, whispering his name as you rode out the intensity of your orgasm. pulling out of you once he was sure every last drop was inside, he pulled your body close to his and pulled up the covers.
“there’s a possibility i might get pregnant. what if she finds out?”
“i know. and i meant every word I said, im going to breed you until your swollen with my babies” He started, leaning on his hand to look at you with that sexy, yet dangerous smirk.
“and that won’t happen. this will be our little secret”
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The falling | joel miller x f!reader, 5k
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Summary: It’s a weird feeling, the moment you realize you’ve lost everything. You're falling. It is never ending, the falling, even after the moment, that exact moment, is long gone. Or you catch Joel cheating on you. The world comes crushing down.
Warnings: 18+ MDNI, ANGST. That's it. Ok, bye. But seriously, angst, a whole lot of angst, alternated POVs, husband!joel, wife!reader, cheater!joel, married couple, Joel fucks another f!person, reference to sexual activity but nothing too detailed, as I said before-ANGST, excessive use of the word fuck, Joel is kind of a dick on this one, as always let me know if I missed anything!
A/N: Let me know how you feel about this lost little puppy, I know he sounds arrogant and awful, maybe I can rectify that, on a second part. If you're interested in a closure for these two, hit me in the comments! Thank you for taking the time to read anything I write! Love you all! 🥰😘
Dividers by @cafekitsune & @saradika-graphics
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It’s a weird feeling, the moment you realize you’ve lost everything.
Everything dear and loved and cherished and so close to your heart. Your heart itself.
You still can’t decide if it’s liberating or torturing, to have that exact moment burned in your thoughts like a Polaroid.
But the pain is real. The pain is excruciating. It spreads like vines through your whole body, starting from the pit of your stomach in the form of a bile you try to hold back, moving to your heart’s agonizing clench, licking to the ends of your numb limbs which remain obstinately immobile. It feels almost like floating, but not exactly.
You’re falling; you’re still falling as if there’s no luxurious, expensive floor underneath your feet, holding you surprisingly still up. You wait for the landing, the crush, unmoving, unblinking, not quite breathing. It is never ending, the falling, even after the moment, that exact moment, is long gone.
Your designer’s tote bag, another unnecessarily extravagant gift from your husband, drops from your hands to the floor with a loud thud.
Joel’s thrusts stop immediately and he turns his head to look behind him, while he’s on his knees, balls deep in a female body on all fours. His eyes shut tightly in something you’re not sure how to interpret, dropping his head between his shoulder blades and his palms squeeze the hips of the female body he's holding, until his fingertips go white.
And you’re just standing there, on the threshold of your bedroom, taking in the scene. It’s weird how the mind works under stressful situations. Is the absurdity of the reality that keeps you calm? Is it your brain’s reaction to protect you from collapsing? Are you shutting down right now?
You feel your eyes unable to move around and at the same time you see clearer than ever, as if you’re looking through a wide-angle lens.
You notice all of the stripped clothes, which they don’t seem hastily taken off, the way they pool on various surfaces of the room; they took their time undressing each other.
You notice the crystal tumbler of a half finished liquid, Joel’s whiskey, on his side of the nightstand; they took their time having fun.
You notice the absence of a condom on Joel’s cock as he removes himself from the female hole he was buried deep, all splayed out for him and now you; they took their time before, it seems, there is an intimacy there. This is not a stranger, this is not a first time.
Joel is calm, collected even, as he stands to his full height, grabbing his pants from the floor next to the king sized bed and putting them on. Calculated, steady movements, he looks like he’s trying to stay in control of the situation, diminish it to something else. You pray he doesn’t go down that path.
You look behind him, the female body’s gathering itself into a ball, sitting on your bed now, hands hugging it’s knees, trying to protect its nudity. Your eyes roam her form until they settle on her face. Oh, you know her. She looks -hm, there’s a mosaic of emotions behind her eyes, which are surprisingly bold to look back at you. You see shock, you see fear, you see.. satisfaction?
“Darlin’” Joel’s approaching you, crossing the ridiculously big room, with a steady pace.
His chest is heaving from the effort to regulate his breathing, he’s sweaty, his muscles all bulged from the interrupted fucking, his curls -your curls, fuck, that hurts- damp. He’s so handsome in all his disheveled form. He looks like your Joel.
Imaginary flashes of her fingertips combing through his hair are passing through your mind and you feel your esophagus contracting, a sense of a burning hot liquid moving up to your mouth. You swallow it down.
He reaches to touch your arm, don’t you dare, is all you mutter lowly, still without moving a muscle as if you do, the world will come crushing down. It already did, didn’t you get the memo? Your voice feels foreign to your ears, your tongue feels rough like sandpaper. He obeys.
When does this falling end?
“Baby-”, he tries again, while he steps forward, a condescending tone to his voice, like he’s addressing a toddler.
“Don’t-”, you roll your eyes in your head, god, he smells so good, even with the sweat someone else poured out of his skin, he smells so fucking good. He smells like your Joel. “Don’t come any closer.”
“This-” he exhales heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, as if it’s an unnecessary effort to explain, as if you should understand; of all people, you should know, “this doesn’t mean anything-” his hand gesturing between him and the female body, “she doesn’t mean anything.” You should understand, baby, you should know.
And for the first time her eyes leave yours and land on the face of the deceiver. If this wasn’t happening to you right now, you would take pity on her pained expression. You almost feel sorry for her. Almost.
“Does she know that?” you ask him, your eyes never leaving her tangled form on your bed.
Joel snaps his head to her direction, narrowing his eyes in warning, “Yes, she does.”, his voice comes out strict and final, signaling there’s no room for doubt. He doesn’t sound like your Joel.
“I need you to leave.”, you breathe barely audible, your eyes still on her face; now she doesn’t know where to look, the rug pulled out from under her feet from the man she had inside her minutes ago.
His gaze is cold and indifferent, as if everything is her fault, looking still in her direction. She looks like a deer caught in the headlights, the empathetic part of your brain feels for her.
“Get your shit and get the fuck out, what are you waiting for?” he snaps at her.
“Not her, you.” you whisper, it’s impossible to speak louder, all of your energy powers your two standing feet.
He turns to look at you, shocked, eyes wide, mouth slightly agape.
“Wh- what are you talking about, sweetheart?” he tries to reason with you, “We need to talk, to-”
“Joel-”, you try again and thank god he’s interrupting you, you don’t have the strength to negotiate right now. Let the dice roll. It’s all fucked, anyway.
“This is my home; I’m not leaving.” he simply states, shaking his head from side to side, staring at you expectantly.
“You’re right. This is your house.” you acknowledge, coming to a painful realization. “Everything is yours; you own everything, don’t you?”, you smile sadly, crouching down to collect you bag.
You turn on your heels and leave the residence formerly known and felt as home, behind you.
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Alarm system disabled.
Joe’s hairs are rising on the nape of his neck, when he checks the alarm app notification on his phone, thinking you came back home.
It’s been an awful month without you, without being able to contact you. He knew where you were of course, he could not for the life of him leave that information escape him, but he didn’t pressure you with an unexpected visit, he knew better.
It’s been a month. That’s plenty of time. You took your time and now you’re ready to talk. You have to be, this can’t be the end of this relationship, this marriage.
He presses your number and hits call. Fuck, he’s still blocked. Maybe you forgot to unblock him, it’s ok, it doesn’t mean anything.
He checks the house’s cameras. Shit. That’s not you. What is she doing there? What the fuck is going on? Alright, he’s going back to the house.
He stands on his feet, right in the middle of a meeting with the board and just leaves them. There’s a distant muttering of where does he think he goes, what happened, what’s gotten into him, this is important for the upcoming deal, but he pays no mind to them.
He needs to talk to you.
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“Yeah, I think I’ve got everything you need,” Maria facetimes you, showing around your closet via her camera. “I’m loading the suitcase to the car and I’m out of here.”
“Thank you Mar-”
“MARIA?” Joel’s voice travels through the space from the ground floor, up.
“Shit, shit, shit, what am I gonna do?” Maria whispers to you turning the call to voice only.
“Just take the suitcase and leave, it’s ok, I only got personal stuff if that’s what he’s worried about. Let him check if it comes to that.”, you try to calm her down.
“Ok, ok-” Maria grabs the handle of the suitcase and moves to leave the walk-in closet.
“Hey.” Joel comes through the door to the bedroom taking in the scene. He hasn’t set foot in this room for nearly a month now.
“Hey.” Maria sounds pissed on the line.
“What are you doing here? Where's Tommy?”, Joel’s face frowns in question. “Tommy's not my keeper, his my partner. My husband, not that you would know what that means, apparently.” Maria just shrugs and moves to pass him by.
“What are you doing, what’s going on here?” he insists, blocking her way.
“I’m just collecting som-”
“How is she? Is she ok?” his voice softening when he asks about you.
“Oh, please, Joel, how is she? Really?” Maria scoffs at him. “She doesn’t want to see you, Joel or hear from you, that’s how she is.”
“Yeah, I gathered that much, thank you.” he mocks back. “Is she on the phone, can I just talk to her?” he extends his arm to reach for the phone. “Over my dead and cold body.” Maria says, pressing the phone on her chest.
His eyes are raging storms, his nostrils flaring with quiet rage. He takes a deep breath “Can you please ask her if I can talk to her, just for five minutes?”
“Why don’t you call her, Joel?” Maria taunts him, emphasizing the pronunciation of his name.
Joel just stares back at her, unfazed. Maria doesn’t move a muscle, lifting an eyebrow quizzically. Well, she did move one muscle.
Joel sighs exasperatedly “She blocked my number.”
“I wonder why that is.” Maria twists the knife, “I guess you have your answer, then.”
“Christ-” he pinches the bridge of his nose, “just- just ask her, please.”
Maria lifts the phone to her ear, rolling her eyes in frustration in the process. “Hey, Joel’s here, he’s ask-”
“Yeah, I heard everything.” you interrupt her, “No, I don’t want to talk to him.” Maria is shaking her head negatively at him as you talk, to pass the message.
Joel’s face goes cold and emotionless. “Well, tell her if she wants her belongings, she needs to come and get them herself.”
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It’s been five weeks now and you can’t keep living in your best friend’s and sister in law's clothes. You’re gonna have to go and grab your stuff yourself.
Because it wasn’t enough what you’ve been through, what you’ve heard until you reached that goddamned bedroom door, what you’ve witnessed when you’ve entered, now he’s making you go back there to humiliate you. As you’re checking your calendar for your work schedule to decide on a suitable day, it hits you. You have Joel’s calendar on your phone, too. You always do, it was the only way to have some time together between his visits to work sites and board meetings and bussiness trips and fucking-behind-your-back, apparently.
And then you remember that day where you both stole some time off and decided to spend it cuddling with each other on the couch, talking nonsense and laughing at silly things and hugging and kissing and fucking all night long.
A brainstorm of thoughts run through your head instantly. How could he do that to you? He looked so happy in your arms. Maybe he was right, maybe it was nothing, maybe you should understand, you of all people, you should know. Do you need to do an STD test? How careless could he be? Where there others? Did he ever love you? Do you want to know?
Does it really matter?
You focus again on that day. He’d told you about a big deal coming up, one of the biggest in his career, if not the biggest so far and how important it was to the future of the company.
You searched frantically through his calendar until you found the date of the final meeting, the date where they’d seal the deal. Because there is no way they weren’t. If Joel wanted it so badly, he’d find a way to make it happen.
And you knew your husband, ironic as is sounds now. He was focused to a fault. He wouldn’t even check his phone that day. He’d done it every time since you were together. History indicated that he probably had other reasons, too, for not checking his phone in a timely manner, but you wouldn’t dwell on that. Not right now. Because now you had your chance.
That date was your chance.
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Alarm disabled.
Joel’s phone is vibrating momentarily, not that he noticed, it was silent and tacked away in his jacket pocket, the jacket itself hanging on the back of his chair.
Don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up, he’s chanting in his mind, under all this calm and confident demeanor, he’s sweating inside.
This is it, this is it, this is it, he repeats like a mantra, watching his opposite CEO, Leo Marks, playing with the pen between his fingers. He’s inspecting the contract again and he’s so close, so close to what he wanted. The room is silent, the long table full of seated lawyers and consultants from both sides, holding their breaths in charged expectation.
Joel knows that Marks is going to sign. He knows it. He worked for it. He convinced him, he made his vision clear as day and he lured him in. This is it. He got this.
Then your face appears in his mind. No, not today, he can’t do this today. You will have to wait. Like you always have. Joel shakes his head slightly, as if to remove you from his thoughts. His fingers get itchy, he wishes he could just check on you. Yes, he just want to check on you.
Are you alright? Are you thinking about him? Do you miss him like he does? Do you stay wide awake at night replaying the same scene over and over until you feel physically ill? Do you know that he thinks about you? Did he show you at all that night? Maybe he should have appeared at your friend’s door out of the blue. Maybe you think he doesn’t care. All he was trying to do was give you space. Respect your boundaries. Let you work everything out.
Fuck.
He reaches for his phone. He doesn’t know why. He knows his number is still blocked. He checks every night, when he's too exhausted from the lack of sleep and prays he could listen to your voice, or the soft sound of your breath when you slept next to him. But he fishes it out of his jacket pocket, anyway and then he sees it.
38 minutes ago.
Alarm disabled.
Alarm disabled. Alarm disabled. Alarm disabled, the only thought repeated in his head. He immediately searches the cameras for you but no movement is recorded right now. Maybe you already left. His heart rate spikes, his temples feel the pressure of his blood pumping violently in his veins. Cold sweat pours out of his body.
He’s squeezing his eyes shut, mentally counting all the places without cameras inside the house. What if you are still in there and he just can’t see you?
Fuck.
Mark’s voice extract him from his thoughts, “Mr. Miller, everything looks in order as we agreed.”
Joel snaps his eyes back to him, slightly irritated, “Of course it does, your legal team already did a thorough check all these months to get us here today.”
“Yes, yes,” Marks laughs entertained, “I just wanted to look it over one more time, I mean, we really are going to…”
What if you’re still there? What if this is his chance? He could always try to reach you after the deal, convince you to hear him out. Yeah, he can do that. He doesn’t need to chase you down. He can wait a little bit longer, can’t he? He can have it all, right? He was the man that had it all.
A mail pops up on his phone, a compliment note from the management of one of both your favorite hotels in Europe, thanking you for choosing their establishments for your stay, once again. Shit. You’re fleeing the fucking country? Are you fucking serious?
“..Mr. Miller?” Marks insists.
“Hm?” his eyes are glued to the screen of his phone.
“I said, before we sign, I need you to walk me through it one more time.” he demands like a little child asking for its favorite bedtime story. “I mean, this is the project of my dreams. I need your reassurance that this is as important for you as it is for us, that it’ll be your only focus for the foreseeable future.” he looks at Joel expectantly.
His only focus.
For the foreseeable future.
Fuck.
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“HONEY!”. Your blood runs cold in your veins to the sound of his baritone voice. Your hand freezes over the shelf with the t-shirts, not making a sound. You didn’t take that long, why is he here? Why isn’t he in his meeting?
Joel enters the bedroom but you’re not there. Fuck, you hear the curse running softly from his lips. You don’t move, you don’t blink, you don’t breathe.
He moves to leave and check elsewhere but then he stops. You hear soft steps and you see the door of the walk-in closet opening. His wide form blocks the light from the outside, his broad shoulders almost taking up all the space of the frame.
He looks disheveled, his baby blue shirt wrinkled and unbuttoned at the top, his hair a mess, like he kept combing his fingers through them. You don’t dare meet his eyes though. You keep your gaze as far as his chin goes, concentrating on the bare patch there. His sole presence electrifies you like he’s already touched you. Your whole body feels on fire and frozen simultaneously. God, you missed him.
“I was calling for you.”, he breathes out and you can feel his fear pulsing through his body. He’s scared you’re gonna run. That’s why he doesn’t leave his spot, blocking the door.
“I know.”
“Were you hiding from me?” his brows are furrowed in a seemingly pained expression from what your peripheral vision could help you understand.
“No, I just chose not to answer you.”, you lower your head, looking at your feet.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” you say hastily, but he’s waiting for a real answer. You breathe deeply, “It- it felt too domestic, you calling for me, me answering back, like how we were before.” He nods, biting his bottom lip. “What are you doing here, Joel?”
“In our house?” the edges of his lips are slightly turned up, his head tilting to one side.
“No, this is your house as you said yourself.”
“Darlin’, you know I didn’t mean it like that..” he sighs in regret, his head deepening in his shoulder blades in an effort to attract your gaze upwards.
“But you’re right.”
“I built it for you.” his voice soft, like it’s a secret mend to stay that way.
“Hm.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” his brows raise in genuine surprise.
“Nothing, forget it.”
“No, tell me.”
“You first.”
He looks perplexed, he forgot your question.
“What are you doing here, right now, Joel?”
“I got the alarm notification and.. it was the only way I could talk to you, honey..”
“But- your meeting-”
He searches your eyes, although you refuse to look at him, analysing your confused expression and it hits him. He smiles in understanding, nodding his head. “So, you chose today on purpose..”
You don’t respond, you keep looking everywhere but his eyes.
He laughs through his nose, rubbing a hand over his face. “Did you really think that I wouldn’t drop everything to come and see you?”
“I really did.”
He gasps in disbelief, almost offended.
“Baby, look at me, please; look at me..” he pleads with you softly. You close your eyes as if in fear you would obey, your chin trembling from the effort to remain calm.
“Baby, look at me. I want you to look at me, now.” he presses in a more authoritative way. He thought he could order you around? Break you?
“No.” you shake your head.
Joel calls you by your name but before he has a chance to spit another soft command-
“I SAID NO!” you open your eyes, targeting them to his chest, tears spilling uncontrollably now. You can see from your periphery the look of shock on his face, because you never yelled before. Ever.
“Why, sweetheart?”, he retreats back to his soft side.
“Because that’s exactly what you want. And you can’t always get what you want, Joel, not anymore.” You can’t hold back your tongue now.
“Jesus Christ,” you grit through your teeth, “what do you want from me, hm?” your eyes keep dancing around his face but never on his eyes. He looks dumbfounded, his lips part slightly but you don’t wait for an answer. “What else do you want? Is this some kind of ego thing? You expected me to shout and break things and hit you and tell you to leave her and come back to me? Because your ego is safe, Joel, if that’s what you worry about. I didn’t leave you, you did that first when you went behind my back. So, you walked out on me and not the other way around. Happy? Ready to go on with your life?” You’re grabbing the shelf where your hand previously rested so hard, trying to steady yourself.
For the first time Joel is speechless. He doesn’t know what to say. He can’t find the words to defend himself, to convince you about his feelings, to soothe you at the very least. He begins to have a glimpse of how he appears in your eyes right now. How much damage he’s done, even before that night. How much ground he lost over time.
“Darlin', I just wa-” he begins softly, almost like walking on eggshells, but your body visibly tenses, you jaw shuts tight, your eyes rolling back in your head.
“Stop, just stop! Stop saying what you want! Stop making this about you! Don’t you see? You keep asking me for what you want! Have you stopped for a second, just a second, to think what I want? What I need? I don’t- I don’t recognize you anymore.”
“I-” he closes his eyes in distress, “I love you.” His last retreat. He’s trying anything that could help him. He doesn’t get it. He can’t. He’s not capable. But he used to be. He was the most empathetic person you knew. What the fuck happened?
Your eyes snap though the open closet door at his admision and on to the perfectly made bed.
His gaze follows yours behind his back and shakes his head once more in regret.
“It really didn’t mean-”
“Joel-” you warn him, “have some self respect and don’t say what I think you’re about to say. At least have the guts to admit exactly what you did, I’d appreciate it more.”
He exhales heavily, you’re not giving him an opening to fix this. You’re hanging onto every word he mutters. Not a single one of them is left unparsed and he's not used to that. He knows that if he does not control his anger right now, it's game over.
Heavy silence is hanging between you, each one lost on their thoughts.
“Do you know when you really lost me, Joel?”, you ask him eventually.
Half an hour ago he would swear he had all the answers, but now? Now he sees he’s in the deep, so he stays quiet, searching your eyes that still won't reach his, for answers.
“You lost me when you humiliated her in front of me.”
His face goes white, shocked, he can’t believe his ears. His mouth opens and closes but he makes no sound, how on earth does he respond to that?
“You still don’t get it, do you?”, you pinch the bridge of your nose exasperatedly. “You valued her enough to endanger our wedding, you valued her enough to bring her to our own house, to our bed, Joel; you valued her enough to fuck her raw, to let her know that you were unhappy with me, before I had a chance to realize it myself-”, Joel interrupts you almost panicked “I’m not un-” and for the first time your eyes pierce his in such an anguish that the words die in his throat. “-and then you just diminished her like she was nothing, just to prove a point to me. While she was naked, vulnerable on our bed. And trust me, this is not me defending her, she is as responsible for this as you, but you’re the one I married, not her. I expected better from you, Joel, not her.”
Now he’s the one averting his eyes from you, looking down on his overpriced shoes, his demeanor defeated, this is not the Joel you know anymore.
“And what was the point, Joel? Hm? What? That she means nothing? Then why were you with her? Why did you choose her? Why did you spend your precious time on nothing, while I had to make an appointment to see you? That’s what you did with me, too? I mean nothing, too? Just a warm hole to fuck when convenient?” he snaps his head back to you, shaking it in denial frantically, his eyes blown wide and red from all the emotional stress you push onto him.
“But I guess I got my answer about a month ago, hm?” It’s one of those moments that epiphanies hit you as you speak uncontrollably, you just can’t stop your mind from running wild, your mouth from spilling bile, your heart from pounding so hard in your chest, your ears start to ring, your grasp on the shelf tightening even more for balance.
“And that tells me a lot about who you really are. It’s not just about the fucking, Joel, Jesus-, -for the brilliant man I know you to be, you’re stumbling through your blindest moment.”, you shake your head in disappointment, tears still running freely down your face, licking your jawline and falling like a waterfall to the carpeted floor. You feel so done, you find it pointless to explain any further.
“I- I don’t know you, Joel, I don’t know who you are anymore. Maybe I never did,” you conclude, “maybe you’re right,” you slowly nod to yourself, “and everything is my fault after all.” you whisper, not sure if you want him to hear that part.
He did. “I never said that it was your fault, baby. When did I ever say that?” his face is contorted in pain, “None of this is your fault, none of it, you hear me?” he wants so desperately to cross the fucking room and hold you tight, crush all your pain and insecurities and self hatred under an asphyxiating hug. He also knows that he won't make even two steps before you flee, or step back from him and he can’t for the life of him witness that. Because that’s how much he needs you. He prefers you standing there, where he can see you, where he can have you, even if you wither and die under the enormous trauma he’s putting you through.
“So stupid.. I was- I am so stupid..” you’re repeating to yourself almost deliriously, rubbing your fingers on your forehead.
“This isn’t you, sweetheart, you don’t talk like that, don’t- don’t do that to yourself.” Joel tries to bring you back.
“But this is you, isn’t it, Joel? The real you?” you bite back. “This isn’t me, really? How do you like the new me, Joel? Do you take pride on your creation?” you laugh bitterly at him. “Yeah, how you’d always call me? Polite little thing? Sweetheart?” you’re infuriated now, a rise fighting to explode through you. “How does it feel, Joel? To know you’re responsible for changing someone to their core? To know you had that much power over them?”
Joel’s shaking his head once again in desperation, hot tears spilling from his eyes, god, had he ever cried before? this is not a battle he can win, he sees that now. The damage is too great. What on earth was he thinking?
“Please, please honey, can we just take a breather, sit down and talk about everything?” he pleads with you, a last thread of hope shinning in his red rimmed eyes.
“Take a breather..” you mutter through your teeth, “you mean the breather you took while you were fucking someone else instead of talking to me?”, Joel shuts his eyes in defeat, there’s nothing he can say anymore. “I think you got it backwards, Joel.”
You take a steadying breath and command your legs internally to hold on a little while longer and move forward; clothes, suitcase, life left behind.
“Don’t contact me again, unless is via your legal team.” is the last bullet that hits Joel’s chest, right through his broken heart.
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⌗︙・⚠︎ nanook snatching you away and "destroying" you ⚠︎ ♡⸝⸝
To catch the gaze of an Aeon was something like a one-in-a-million chance—hell, it was practically an impossible task that even the likes of Herta would have difficulty completing. You're not sure if her Simulated Universe really counts, but given the number of times that Caelus had informed you of the Aeons he'd encountered, you guess that counts for something.
But when the gaze of Nanook swept over you, you felt anything but happy. It does not feel good, it feels wrong. Just seeing their molten gold eyes in all of their destructiveness focus solely on you made you feel things. Words like fear or dread were not enough to fully encapsulate what you felt at that very moment. You try to convince yourself that it's simply because Nanook is the infamous being of destruction that has made it their goal to eradicate all life within the universe. It's natural to be wary of the very being that wants to snuff out you and everything you have ever known.
But with the lasting impression that their eyes alone had left on you, it's pathetic to think that they had glanced at you with anything good in mind. Especially when they had not so graciously kidnapped you, vision filled with nothing glowing gold and black as it surrounds you——
——
————
——————
————————
————————————————————————————ah—.
You don't know why Nanook had taken such a liking to you, nor why they had taken you away from everything you had ever known and into the silent void of the universe. Hell, you don't even know how you're even alive and breathing in a place where that shouldn't even be possible, and yet here you are. Their once imposing and near galactic-sized body has shrunken down to what you can assume is their attempt at forming a mortal body, but they still tower over you. Even when they have made the attempt to look somewhat normal, they are still intimidating, and their very presence makes your skin crawl.
You don't want to look them in the eyes. But of course, Nanook grips your chin and forces you to look them in the eyes, not even a word leaving their lips. Behind those cold eyes, burns an infatuation that a human like you could never possibly fathom.
When they embrace you, it is awkward and cold, and you try to squirm out of their grip and push them away, but Nanook does not take well to rejection. Their already less-than-amicable expression bleeds into something even more unpleasant as their hands squeeze your wrists so tight you can nearly feel your bones shatter from the pressure. Your cries and pleas fall upon deaf ears, and they only let go when they are seemingly satisfied. When they try again, you do not resist their advances, fearing that they may not be so lenient the next time you were to be defiant.
So when they force their lips upon yours, destructive hands sliding up to come and grasp onto your neck, all you can do is close your eyes and hope that whatever their planning will all go by quickly.
Nanook truly lives up to their name as the Aeon of Destruction, that much you can say for sure. They've destroyed your happiness, isolating you within the very confines of an empty and expansive part of the universe for only their eyes to see. They've destroyed any hope and chance of possible escape, making it very clear when they forced you to watch as they destroyed yet another planet like it was nothing and making it clear they could very well do the same to you if you resisted again.
They're destroying your body, rebuilding it into something that desires them just as much as they desire you. Nanook repeatedly embraces you in this strange mortal body of theirs, seemingly viewing frequent copulation as the only possible way they could ever make you, a puny and ignorant human, understand their twisted infatuation. Their huge muscular body completely dwarfs you; you've never felt as weak and small as you do now.
Nanook is destroying your resolve to escape—
"N-no.. not there, s'too much, 'm gonna die—ughk..!" It's becoming harder and harder to breathe and stay focused, no thanks to Nanook's hands squeezing your throat from behind relentlessly. Their hips snap aggressively into yours, cock reaching places that trigger nerves that make your head spin and vision fade in and out. They're too big, too heavy—they fill up your lower belly with their cock, with barely any spare room left for anything else except for the copious amounts of their cum that they pump into you. They have to fill you with them—over and over again—until your mind can just barely grasp and comprehend their overwhelming love for you.
They're utterly ruthless, fucking you through orgasm after orgasm and never stopping to give you any breaks in between. Even when you've passed out because of how intensely they've fucked you, they still continues. Nanook only stops when they wants to, your pleas and cries for them to at least slow down, falling upon deaf ears. But sometimes if they're in a generous mood, they'll comply. Their stoic expression hardly ever changes, save for when they spill their seed inside you and lets out a few grunts and hisses. You're left gaping open, creamy white oozing out from your ruined hole as you try to piece together your pleasure-shattered mind.
Nanook is destroying your resolve to escape—
"Nanooknanooknanookna—" All you can fathom to do is cry out their name, the only plausible thing in your foggy brain. There is nothing around you to hold onto, nothing to at least stabilize yourself while Nanook blows out your backside and ruins whatever coherency you have left. But you can't even cry out their name, as you feel the grip on your throat move to your chin, letting you gasp for a brief moment before even that is destroyed. They're kissing you, drooling into your mouth as they grind their hips up into your ruined hole and groan against your lips as you squeeze and pulse rapidly around them.
Must feel nice, to copulate with and embrace such a destructive and cosmic being like them so frequently. No longer having to worry about mundane troubles anymore, like whether your next paycheck would be enough to support you for the rest of the month or whether the groceries you had just bought were about to expire the day after you bought them. All you have to worry about now is whether or not you'd pass out in the middle of sex because it's all too much or if your gaping hole would be oozing Nanook's seed and they'd have to scoop it all back in. You just have to be a pretty little thing and accept their affection in all of its palpable forms.
Nanook has destroyed your resolve to escape—
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© latimeriafellfromheaven
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kooklovee · 7 months
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Jungkook- ff recs masterlist 🔞
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So here's my fav Jungkook ffs of all time plus a MUST READ compilation 💌.
All the recommended ffs are 18+ so MDNI!!
S: smut | A: angst | F: fluff | ❤��: extreme favs
(fics are not ordered in any specific order of preference and neither do they entertain infidelity or any major triggering themes 🙃)
Starting off with the 2 most "SEVEN" mv inspired one shots I've read till now -
■ Night after night by @brown-bi-beautiful ❤️ ( S, A, F )
■ Devoted to trouble by @jeonsweetpea (S, slight A, F)
Seven days a week by @jjkeverlast (S, slight A, F)
Thirteen rounds by @moni-logues (S)
Slow motion by @rerefundslocals(S, A, F)
@personasintro 's masterlist ❤️
Legit ALL her ffs are TOP NOTCH. So here's link to her entire masterlist. Fav author for a reason 💜
Ps - Mutual help & Away from you are Ultimate lovee!
Stay with me by @jungk0oksthighs ❤️(S, A, F)
Reminder by @dollfaceksj ❤️ (S, A, F)
Over wine (Ongoing) by @koocycle (S, A)
There's no way by @redjoonie (S, slight A, F)
Seven ways to sunday (Ongoing) by @jeonjcngkook (S)
Bad Omega, Sweet Omega JJK by @helenazbmrskai (S, A)
Drabble collection by @onlyswan (F)
Office break by @vminizzle (S)
Two point five by @bratkook (S, F)
My you by @wnderkoo (S, slight A, F)
This is how we break by @ahundredtimesover (S, A)
Unplanned night by @vminizzle ❤️ (S)
Rolling stone by @kooktrash (S, A)
4-7-8 by @jiminrings (S, heavy A, F)
Sleepless nights by @wnderkoo (S, F)
Backstage quickies by @btsqualityy ❤️ (S)
So good by @ggukiepie ❤️ (S)
Lost on you by @letjungcoook7 (S)
Cramped quarters by @btsqualityy (S)
Kink series by @btsqualityy ❤️ (S)
Bts reactions by @cheolhub (S)
Early riser by @moni-logues (S)
Bf!Jk drabble by @letjungcoook7 (S)
Standing next to you by @back2bluesidex (S)
On my mind by @angelguk ❤️ (S)
Ceo!Jk one shot by @letjungcoook7 (S, slight A)
All over again by @jungkookstatts ❤️ (S, F)
Return the favor by @back2bluesidex (S, F)
Jk!drabble by @borathae (S)
The bet by @letjungcoook7 (S)
Bf!Jk (kinda break up au) by @letjungcoook7 (S, A)
Bf!Jungkook by @jungkookstatts ❤️ (S, F)
Cherry flavored by @jungkookstatts ❤️ (S, F)
Black dye by @mercurygguk (S, F)
When the end comes by @oddinary4bts ❤️ (S, F, huge A) happy ending tho
Down on you by @ki-yomii ❤️ (S)
I want you to stay by @ahundredtimesover (Ongoing)
Birthday boy by @jeonfics (S)
Wishing for you by @kookiestarlight (S, A, F)
Guilty Pleasures (Ongoing) by @kookslastbutton (S, A)
The violence of the dog days by @youarewhatyoulove-blog ❤️ (S, F)
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rougepancake · 1 year
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I can’t stop thinking about Husband!Zhongli who let you believe that we was innocent in bed, only to prove you wrong the longer you were married.
Warnings: 18+, sexually explicit content under cut, mentions of threesome, honestly just Zhongli being wild for you. Gn!Reader, minors and ageless blogs don’t interact.
- Husband!Zhongli who allowed you to “show him the ropes” when it came to being a good lover and tricked you into thinking he was both a god and a virgin.
- Husband!Zhongli who moaned so loudly the first time you made him cum, squirming around in the sheets and gazing at you lustfully.
- Husband!Zhongli who goes absolutely feral when he’s fucking you, not being able to control himself with how incredibly wonderful you make him feel.
- Husband!Zhongli who suggested that you have a threesome with Childe and loved seeing you squirm at the idea.
- Husband!Zhongli who whispers into your ear in a deep voice, “I will have order…” whenever you attempt to disobey him.
- Husband!Zhongli who becomes needy and childlike whenever you return from a long trip, only to fuck you like he hasn’t seen you in years afterwards.
- Husband!Zhongli who lets you ride him, becoming fully submissive to you as you toy with him and mock him like there’s no tomorrow.
- Husband!Zhongli who only ever lets you see him in such a state of desperation, regardless of his vulnerability, it only turns him on more.
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therealgchu · 1 month
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Mirror Mirror - To The Shore Vignette
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just posted the new vignette, Mirror Mirror, and it's SMUTTY. but, really, really fluffy. fluffy smut. ao3 actually has a tag for fluffy smut, which is convenient. thanks for @fangbangerghoul for her help on edits and tags =)
as with my other vignettes, this is part of my To the Shore fic.
if you want to read the fic from the beginning, it's on ao3.
you want more smutty sneak peek? it's under the cut. cos it's naughty. fluffy naughty. i should see if that's a tag.
“What do you want, beautiful?” he whispered in her ear as her hips began to gyrate against his hand. “Tell me what you want.”
“Fuck me. Make me cum. Just….” she moaned.
“What if I want to watch you like this? Do you know how beautiful you are when you’re losing your mind?” Sam removed his finger and instead lightly brushed his fingers over her sex’s lips. Hwa whimpered and tilted her hips to find a better angle. All the while, she kept her eyes on her reflection. Sam nodded approval. He returned his hand to her cunt and re-inserted his finger, which started pumping slowly, the heel of his palm grinding into her clit.
“So hot, so beautiful,” he growled and pistoned his finger faster. Hwa started bucking her hips against his hand and groaned. “Since you’ve been such a good girl,” he started, and with his left hand quickly pulled his sweatpants off, his erection finally freed of its confines, “you’ll get what you want.” He gently bent her upper body downwards, lifting her ass in the air, which gave him better access to slip his cock barely inside her wetness. “But, you have to keep your eyes open. Or, I stop. Same deal.”
Hwa nodded quickly, happy to agree to anything at the moment. She sighed rapturously as his cock slowly slid inside of her. It was almost beyond her ability to keep her eyes open and watching the mirror, but she didn’t want him to stop. Sam paused once he was totally inside of her, and leaned over and kissed the back of her neck. “My beautiful wife,” he murmured, and reached down again to thumb her bud. He slowly moved himself in and out, massaging her clit at the same slow speed. After agonizingly slow thrusting, Hwa started backing into his hips, trying to make him pump faster. “What do you want,” he whispered in the softest, most soothing tone.
“Fuck me…harder,” she grunted through clenched teeth, trying to move her hips faster.
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prazinos · 1 year
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Ghost in the Austrian Asylum
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Pairings ~ Ghost x You x König
König had a crush on both you and Ghost, but he would be surprised to learn that the two people he was practically infatuated with were married. Lucky for him, the two of you want him as well.
WC : 3K
Warnings ~ Oral {F&M} | PiV | Anal {M} | Toys | Masturbation {M} | Threesome | Unprotected Sex | Sub!König Switch!Reader Dom!Ghost | Descriptions of violence (just a little not a lot) | Creampie |
No use of Y/N (i don't think, there isn't supposed to be)
Not proofread (yet)
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When König joined the 141, he was terrified. He knew of Price's habit. Picking some of the most lethal men in the military.
So he was surprised when he met you. The notorious 'Asylum', greeting him with a smile and a hug. Talking about how she had seen his file. Really impressive work.
König knew about your file as well. Knew that most of it couldn't be seen as it was marked as 'confidential'. So, why were you called Asylum?
When he asked Soap about this, the Scotsman merely laughed, telling him that he'll find out soon.
Find out soon he did. You were on a mission, and the team had a guy kidnapped for questioning. Nobody could get anything out of him.
'We should send her in' Price stated, lighting a cigar.
Ghost merely chuckled while Soap went white.
'Put König in with her. He should see what she's capable of' Ghost suggested.
Price nodded and motioned for you both to head into the room.
König followed you closely. Curious as to what you would do.
The man tied to the chair lifted his head, smirking when he saw you.
'And what are you gonna do pretty girl?' He asked.
You merely got closer to him, leaning down in front of his face.
'Listen, you could tell me what I need to know, or you can be in a world of pain' you said quietly.
'Fuck. You. Whore.'
You sighed, getting up and exiting the room, before coming in with a duffel bag? König stared at you.
Watching the way you dumped the bag on the ground. Grabbing a hammer out of it.
You gripped the hammer tightly before slamming it into the mans left kneecap. The man screamed out in pain, the sound of his knee cap breaking making König shudder slightly.
'Are you gonna tell me anything yet?' you asked, almost kindly.
the man kept his mouth shut.
you shrugged, reaching back into the bag, grabbing pliers.
'I'm gonna pull out your teeth one by one, until you give me an answer. If the answer you give me isn't worth my time or untruthful, I'm ripping out a nail' you said grabbing his jaw.
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By the time you had gotten your answers, the man had only 4 teeth and 3 fingernails.
König understood why you were called Asylum now.
And he hated to admit that the scene had him feeling things. Watching you make this man who was at least twice the size of you break and cry, had him thinking.
But what felt most unsettling, you were back to smiles and jokes almost immediately after the ordeal.
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König had a crush. He hated that word. He had a crush on you...and Ghost. But he couldn't help it. Ghost had this voice that drove him crazy, and your lighthearted personality compared to you on a mission had König's head spinning.
And what was worse? Soap knew.
'You haven't got a chance lad' he laughed.
'W-what why? I-I think I'm nice enough' König spluttered
'because they're married-'
'wait what'
'-to each other'
'oh'
God that did not help König in the slightest. His mind now swarming with images of the two of you fucking. You pressed against a wall, Ghost fucking into you hard enough that picture frames were falling off the wall.
Images of you giving Ghost the most soul sucking head, Ghost fucking your face, tears streaming down your cheeks.
Images of Ghost biting your thighs before shoving his face into your cunt. You gripping his hair like a vice. Bucking your hips, practically riding his face.
But his mind crossed into new territory. Something he hadn't thought of before.
You and Ghost fucking him, together.
You grinding on König's cock as Ghost fucks him. Ghost grabbing your hair, pulling your head back to spit in your mouth.
You sucking König's cock, leaving a sticky ring around the base of his cock from your lip-gloss. Your ass in the air as Ghost fucks into you from behind, causing you to moan around König's cock, creating a vibrator effect.
The idea of you and König tying Ghost to the bed, teasing him, using a vibrator all over him, except the part he needs it most just to have his hard exterior crumble.
'König!' Soap said loudly, waving a hand in front of König’s face.
'Sorry, got distracted' König sighed
'I can tell' Soap chuckled.
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Thankfully, Soap didn't bring it up again. Merely throwing a glance when König would stare at you and Ghost for too long. To which König could feel himself burning up under the mask.
But one day Soap told König that you and Ghost were sparring. One of your guys' infamous sparring sessions. Everybody on base talks about them. Especially Soap.
As König and Soap walk in, already seeing the two of you in the sparring ring, König whispers to Soap.
'This is hardly a fair fight, they're gonna go easy on each other because they're married'
Soap just cackled, slapping König on the back.
König was so, so wrong. As soon as Soap said the word, you and Ghost were kicking, punching, König even thinks he see's you bite Ghost at one point.
König watched as you pulled Ghost's head down towards your raised knee. hearing the crack of Ghost's mask. Holy shit.
König hated how turned on he was. Watching you smile down at Ghost sweetly, before landing a punch on his jaw.
'I have to go' König mumbled
'Have fun!' Soap yelled
König got back to his room fairly quickly. rushing to lie down on his bed, his hands flying to get his belt unbuckled and fly unzipped.
Pulling out his painfully hard cock, he spat in his hand, stroking slowly, as his hand reached the tip, he swiped his thumb over the slit, causing himself to whimper quietly.
He couldn't get you and Ghost out of his head. What Ghost's cock would taste like, what you would taste like.
He imagined himself and Ghost, holding you, sandwiched between the two burly men, Ghost fucking into your ass, König fucking into the tight heat of your cunt. Your head lolled onto Ghosts shoulder, unable to hold in the whimpers.
And then his mind flew to having you sit in front of a full length mirror, Ghost devouring your cunt as you sat between König's legs, watching yourself come over and over on Ghost's tongue as König sucked hickeys and tweaked your nipples.
König was so close to his release. His eyes shut in pleasure, one more swipe of his thumb over his slit, he knew he would be done for.
But König was suddenly grabbed by his shirt, and slammed against the wall. His eye's shot open, to see Ghost, his piercing eyes, full of anger. König whimpered, he was fucking terrified, but he couldn't help the feeling of arousal that flooded through him and down to his cock.
Ghost looked ravishing. His balaclava not covering the chest that peaked from his tight fitting shirt, his chest (of what König could see) was sweaty, and König wanted to lick the beads of sweat that were probably running down Ghost's face.
His cock jumped at the thought, and that didn't go unnoticed by Ghost. König was roughly pulled from the wall before being slammed back into it
'You like getting off to the thought of fucking my wife?' Ghost practically growled.
'N-no! I swear, I swear I don't! Please!' König exclaims, tears filling his eyes.
'He's right honey, he wasn't getting off to the thought of just me' you giggled from behind Ghost.
Oh fuck, this was so much worse. So, so much worse. You were here too.
Ghost huffed letting go of König
'Are you okay König? Hope Simon didn't hurt you too badly' you asked, moving in front of him.
What was going on? You should be terrified, disgusted, mad, furious. But you're caressing König's face instead.
König swallowed thickly, looking down at you.
'We know about your dirty little thoughts König' you smile.
König wanted to die. Right then and there. How? How did you know?
'You aren't very quite soldier' Ghost said gruffly. König's eyes widened as he looked between the two of you.
König couldn't get the two of you fucking him senseless out of his mind. His hand moving at an almost inhumane speed, he tried covering his moans. But some slipped through.
'Scheiße! Bitte! Asylum, Ghost please, please let me come! oh Scheiße!'
Fuck. That was a week ago. König could've sworn he heard footsteps outside his door. But he couldn't care less as his orgasm rocked through him.
'König~' you said, his eyes snapping back to you. You reached down and gripped König's cock.
And König came.
König fucking came.
From your hand merely grasping his dick.
König could hear you and Ghost laughing together as he rode his high, bucking his hips into your hand.
As he came down from his (mind-blowing) orgasm, whimpering as he felt a hand stroking him still.
He looked down to see Ghost's gloved hand, König's head shot up, looking at the only slightly shorter man.
'Ha-ah~ Ghost, please~!' König cried out
'König, sweetie, you don't have to call him Ghost anymore. Call him by his real name, he'll go feral' you voiced from the bed.
'Si, Scheiße, SiMON~!' König wailed as cum spurted from his cock again.
König felt like he was gonna pass out, he felt tears under his hood.
The fabric sticking to his face was annoying him, and he wanted it off. He looked between the two of you, before yanking it off; hoping it wouldn’t ruin what was happening.
'Oh Köni~ you're so pretty' you smiled walking up to him, grabbing his face, pulling it down and inspecting it. Rubbing your thumb over the scar on his cheekbone.
He could feel the rush of blood go to both his cheeks, and cock.
'Isn't he pretty Si?' You asked the masked man now behind you.
'Real pretty' Ghost agreed.
You pulled König towards the bed, pushing him to lie down.
'Already hard again Big Boy?' Ghost asked. And König nodded pathetically.
'He has good stamina Si' you said, straddling König.
'God look how deep he's gonna go sweetheart, he's thick too. Have to stretch you out doesn't he' Ghost chuckled darkly.
He wasn't wrong. König stared at how you held his cock to you, seeing how far he would go. He would reach so far into you, the thought making his cock jump.
König moved his hands to your waist and moved you, so you were lying underneath him. He sat up on his knees, turning his head to Simon.
'Are-Are you sure this is all-um, okay?' he asked.
Ghost removed his balaclava, and grabbed König by his chin, locking their lips.
König gasped as Simon slid his tongue into his mouth. Moaning into the kiss.
They broke apart, a string of saliva connecting their lips still.
König could really admire Simon now, his blonde hair and sharp jawline. Something he thought he would only dream about.
König heard you whimper underneath him.
'She's so fucking impatient' Simon whispered. To which you groaned.
Simon helped König to his feet before practically tearing his clothes off. Doing the same to himself. And both men looked at you hungrily.
Fear flooded you but also flooded your hungry need.
König got back on the bed and pulled your pants along with your panties off. As Simon helped you to remove your shirt and bra. König settled between your thighs.
He wet his lips, moving forward to lick into you, but before he could he felt Simon grab his hair. Pulling him just enough so he wouldn't be able to taste you. No matter how hard he tried.
'Beg for it' was all Simon said. Staring directly into König's eyes.
'Please? Pleasepleaseplease, wanna taste her so bad, know she'll taste good, she'll taste so good. Please Simon!' König asked.
Simon shoved König's face into your dripping cunt. Almost immediately you arched your hips. König's large hands gripping them, and pushing them down.
You writhed in his iron grip. The pleasure overwhelming as he sucked your clit, moving his tongue to lap the juices practically pouring out your cunt.
You were close. Your hands pulling harder on König's hair. Moans moving to a higher octave.
Your thighs started shaking, so, so close.
Simon pulled König up from between your thighs. König's whines being louder than yours
'Please! She was so close to cumming! Please just need to feel her come on my tongue. Please!' König whimpered.
God he needed you to come more than you did it sounded.
Simon shoved König's face back into your cunt. König whimpering happily as he lapped up your juices.
König was gripping your hips and thighs like a lifeline. Something to keep him grounded.
'What's this?' Simon asked amusedly. König's eyes shot open and saw Simon standing next to his bedside table. Dildo in hand.
'No need to be embarrassed baby. Something we can have even more fun with' Simon said grabbing the bottle of lube from the bedside table.
König focused back on your clit, sucking on it like a lollipop, and your thighs started shaking again.
König removed his right hand from your left thigh, his finger dipping into your cunt, curling to hit the spot that would have you falling over the edge in no time.
König focused back on your clit, moaning as he felt Simon push a thick finger into his ass.
Simon moved his finger trying to find the spot in König that would make him-
'Mmmph!' König moaned around your clit, causing you to cum all over his tongue and finger. Pulling at König's hair and hips bucking sporadically.
König was addicted to your taste. His tongue lapping at your abused cunt.
You whined, overstimulated as König kept moaning around your puffy clit.
You shuffled out of König's grip finally. and motioned for Simon to remove his finger from König.
Simon did so, and flipped König over, smiling at his red chest and face.
'More' König moaned pathetically.
'Greedy' you laughed.
Simon squeezed a glob of lube onto the toy, pushing it slowly into König's hole. König let out a soft moan at the intrusion before relaxing into the pleasant sensation.
'How close were you? Huh König?' You questioned, letting a glob of saliva fall from your lips and onto König's cock.
You leaned down licking at his tip.
'So, so close!' König moaned.
You smiled, sucking on his tip. Causing him to buck his hips into the sensation.
You pulled off him, Simon pressed a button on the toy, a loud humming sound filling the room.
König moaned loudly, and you covered his mouth.
'König honey, I love your sounds but you don't want to get us caught do you?' you asked sweetly.
König shook his head no. And you started fingering yourself with two fingers, stretching yourself out. Watching as König's eyes rolled in the back of his head.
'Sweetheart, get on his dick' Simon said.
You smiled at him, before looking at König, his eyes almost comically wide.
You moved over and positioned yourself over König's large cock, sinking down slowly, your mouth falling open at the stretch, König moaning as you slid down his cock.
'Si-Simon' you moaned, swallowing before continuing 'fuck him'
You saw König's eyes widen again and he whimpers quietly from the feeling of Simons fat tip nudging at his hole.
You started bouncing on his cock, moaning quietly, and König moaned very loudly at the feeling of Simons cock entering him.
You leaned down quickly, covering König's mouth. Still bouncing on his cock.
'We gotta buy him a gag Si' you smiled
König nodded enthusiastically at the idea.
'He's such a slut' Simon commented.
You continued bouncing on König's cock, grabbing his hand and guiding it to your lower stomach.
'Feel that Köni?~ you're so deep' You moaned.
König’s eyes widened as he felt the bulge that disappeared and reappeared as you slid up and down him, and you grabbed your panties that were discarded to the bed and shoved them into König's open mouth.
His eyes opened widely before rolling to the back of his head, the taste of you invading his mouth, only adding to the mind blowing pleasure he was feeling.
'Fuck I'm gonna cum!' you moaned, reaching your fingers down to your clit, rubbing messy circles.
'Me too lovie' Simon groaned, fucking into König relentlessly.
König whined around your panties as Simon’s cock pounded directly into his prostate, sending shockwaves of pleasure up his spine and adding to the coil that was rapidly tightening in his abdomen
König still couldn't believe this was happening. Watching your tits bouncing in front of his face, his eyes couldn't stop glancing down to the bulge that continuously appeared.
'I think Köni has a size kink Si' you sighed softly
König heard Simon chuckle, his hips somehow pounding harder into him.
'Gonna cum!' König moaned, although muffled.
'Come for us Big Boy' Simon moaned, and König was gone.
His vision went white, he doesn't think he has ever come this hard in his life. And then he felt you clenching around him, your juices covering his cock, he also felt Simon shoot his cum inside of him.
He doesn't know if he came again or if his last one never ended. He swears he passed out.
He actually passed out.
He woke up to feeling a cold sensation on his dick, he whined but heard your muffled voice tell him that you were just cleaning him up.
He relaxed soon after, but not for long because he felt a water bottle be pushed against his lips.
König's tired eyes opened and saw Simon mouthing something to him, no he was saying something.
'come on, you gotta drink König' he said.
König gulped down the water, and pushed it away.
He felt somebody's warm body next to him but he couldn't care less who it was, he wrapped himself around them and judging by the size, it was Simon.
He soon felt your body on the other side of him and he didn't know what to do, did he hug Simon? Did he hug you? Should he have just left? It was his room though.
'You guys don't have to stay, I know this was probably a one time thing' König whispered.
'We're not going anywhere Köni, and this is totally not a one time thing'
'definitely not' Simon agreed.
König felt you pull his shoulder and he let go of Simon.
He felt you hug his side as Simon hugged the other, the sounds of soft snores quickly filling the space.
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HI BOZOS!!!!!!!!
Longest fic in a while goodness me
I did this in one sitting jesus.
Anyway hope ya'll liked it, lmk if you did by liking, commenting, reblogging, or maybe even following idk.
oh also that little title i did, i thought it was pretty funny
I think i'm gonna start writing more COD stuff just for funsies
Ok it's 3:19am and im tired
BYE BOZOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3K notes · View notes
samkerrworshipper · 1 month
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exhausted | barca femeni/alexia putellas x reader
reader has insomnia… but doesn’t tell her teammates alexia begins to figure it out though
was gonna make yall wait till tomorrow butttt i rlly can’t fucked lol
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Sleep is something that has never come easy to you.
No matter how hard you try, no matter how much melatonin or herbal teas or meditation you tried, none of it worked.
You, quite simply, could not sleep.
It was fine when you were just a student, when you could dip out of your morning classes or sneak in a nap here and there between classes, when you didn’t have to make it through full days of work.
It was fine when you were playing for London City, when nobody cared about what you were doing, only if you could stop other players from getting past.
It had all changed though when the Barca offer had come in though.
It was known to every single footballer in the women's league that Barca had major injury problems, specifically in their backline, injuries that wouldn’t be resolved until long after the season was over.
You’d never thought though that some absences in Barcelona’s star squad would crate an opportunity for you, but for whatever reason, the Barca selectors had seen something in you, and even though it was mid season, had been desperate to sign you, it was a big move to go from England to Spain, but one you were more than happy to make for the sake of your career.
You’d never thought that the move from home would be so much more detrimental to your sleep schedule, but slowly you’d found yourself becoming more exhausted as you struggled to keep up with your new life.
There were a lot of things that were different about Spain, or more specifically the Barcelona Women’s team. When you were playing in London, training every couple of days and playing once a week, you could afford to miss some hours of sleep during the night, especially considering that nobody in London was concerned about making school a priority over there. You could take some naps during the day, laze around as much as you wanted and go to school whenever you could be bothered.
Barca was different, and not in a good way.
It was good for your football, internationally and just in general. Before Barca, you’d been more of a bench player then a starter for the England under 17s, but your game had lifted and you’d been a consistent starter in every tournament and friendly since.
You were exhausted, more than you’d ever been in your entire life, and you were sure it was starting to show.
It was hard enough being 16, in a foreign country, getting hardly any hours of sleep, training at least three hours a day as well as gym sessions and playing twice a week. Trying to be a full time student as well, it was completely unrealistic and it was starting to show.
“Nena, do you want to slow down on the energy drinks? Someone so itty bitty and young like you shouldn’t be consuming any caffeine, let alone two red bulls before noon, we’re lucky you aren’t pinging off the walls yet.”
Mapi’s hands are on your cheeks, pinching and squeezing them as if you are a baby. Instead of paying her any kind of attention you keep your eyes fixed on your laptop screen and lips pressed to the can of red bull that you’ve been tirelessly sipping at for the past couple of minutes.
Integrating into the team had been hard, but you’d actually become far closer with the crew of injured girls, mapi specifically, as well as her girlfriend Ingrid. Frido had also been one of the first people to welcome you, accompanied by two familiar English faces, Keira and Lucy.
Mapi particularly, had taken you under her wing, or had sort of adopted you in an older sister type fashion. It was sort of annoying, the older Spaniard was constantly talking, to the point where you’d learn to pretty much drown out everything that left her lips.
“If you keep touching my face then it won’t just be your knee that’ll be injured, your hands will be broken as well.”
Mapi frowns at you, her pinching fingers moving to brush loose hair from your face and rub at your temples, trying to rub away the frown lines deeply ingrained on your forehead.
“Wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning did we, nena? You know you’ll get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that, it’s not good for your little baby face.”
You shake your head in an attempt to get Mapi’s hands off of your face, it partially works, but not fully.
“María I am serious, you’ve got three seconds before I tear this can in half and use it to cut off your fingers, don’t you have rehab to do or something more entertaining than bothering me?”
Mapi’s hands fly up in surrender, something you are infinitely grateful for.
“Fine, you want to be grumpy then you can be grumpy by yourself, don’t come looking for me later when you’re bored of school and looking for some fun.”
You don’t bat an eyelid as Mapi retreats from your table.
You take another sip of your drink, praying that it’ll somehow make it easier for you to read the words on your laptop screen, even though it does absolutely nothing.
You’ve read the same page, over and over again and yet it’s done absolutely nothing to make you understand what it is you are supposed to be learning. It’s a mess of consonants and verbs, jumbled up words that just can’t seem to resonate in your brain.
Whilst Mapi has left, unbeknownst to you, you aren’t completely alone in the recovery room.
Alexia has been sitting on one of the massage tables, doing her exercises for the last hour, watching as you’ve gradually been getting far more frustrated with your work.
Alexia’s relationship with you so far has been… rocky.
The captain had made it clear from day one that whilst the club needed you, that your studies were going to be a priority alongside football. If you had known that you’d be going from doing as much school as you liked, to hours of online school everyday, you probably would have reconsidered your move to Spain, but you were here now and struggling more than you cared to admit.
Alexia knew something was up, beyond your clear hatred for school, she just wasn’t sure what yet but she was determined to find out why.
“Everything alright pequena?”
You practically jump at the sound of Alexia’s voice, hand clutching at your heart as you suddenly become aware of a presence in the room that you were unaware existed.
“Perfectly fine.”
You do well to recover from the shock, your eyes darting straight back to your screen almost as quickly as they had left it.
“You’ve been staring at the same page for the last twenty minutes.”
Alexia notices that your hands are shaking slightly, most likely due to the insane amounts of taurine that your body is processing.
“There’s a lot of writing on one page.”
You take another sip, finishing off the can and sliding it across the table.
“Mapi’s right, it’s not good for pequena’s like you to be drinking stuff like that, it’s bad for your brain cells, and don’t get me started on what it does to your body.”
Alexia moves to take a seat beside you at the table, her concern for you growing even more when she took a look at your face and realised how exhausted you looked.
“I don’t need the lecture, I’m poisoning my body, I’m aware of it, now can I please have slime peace so I can finish this off before training starts?”
Alexia isn’t anywhere near satisfied with your answer, she wants you to argue with her, not admit your wrongdoing like it’s nothing.
“Yes, you are, you aren’t an adult, you don’t need energy drinks, you will do perfectly fine without them.”
Your eyes leave the screen to look at Alexia for a second, a little exhale huffing out between your lips.
“Okay, whatever.”
Alexia can’t get past just how tired you look, so tired that you’re seemingly agreeing with her just to avoid conflict.
“Pequena, how about you take a break for a couple of minutes, go get some fresh air, I’m sure you can finish this up later.”
Alexia’s never let you finish school early, you don’t understand why she’s deciding to today.
“I need to get it done.”
Your body is so tense, Alexia’s scared that you’re going to pull a muscle just from how tight your body looks.
“I’m sure it can wait till later, you’ve been sitting here for two hours now, you need a break.”
Your hands are still shaking, and you’re as hunched over as possible without being asleep on top of your laptop.
“Alexia, I’m fine, I’ve just got to finish this and then I’ll be done.”
Alexia’s hand reaches up to meet your shaking one, somehow hoping that it’ll stop the frantic tremors.
“You’re taking a break, just go and spend some time in the team room, or go for a walk, just take fifteen minutes and I’ll next you when you need to be back. Go, now, I’m not asking.”
You slam your laptop closed with more aggression then Alexia’s seen from you all morning, your body dragging itself out of the room without any regards for your captain whatsoever.
Alexia begins to get worried when twenty minutes later, after multiple text messages, you are yet to return.
She knows you’re stressed, that school isn’t what you want to be focusing all of your energy on. But Alexia knows from personal experience how easy it is for somebody of your age with your kind of talent to disregard things like education, something that she believes is so crucial to any adult's life. You need options, Alexia is trying to give you them, even if you seem to hate them with every single fibre in your body.
Alexia decides to go looking for you once twenty five minutes have passed and you are nowhere in sight and have ignored every single one of her messages.
It doesn’t take her long to find you, although she does almost miss you.
Alexia peeks her head into the locker room, simply to ask if anyone has seen you, the room is silent and empty though.
She almost leaves, but just as she’s about to close the door, she spots your body, tucked up inside of your locker, your head tucked into your knees.
You look frightfully unrestful, you don’t look like most people look when they’re sleeping, most people look peaceful, you look bothered, like your body is fighting against the sleep that you so clearly need.
Alexia walks over to you, now more than ever she’s certain you’re sick, that you’ve caught some kind of cold that’s causing this exhaustion and the short tempered mood you’ve been in.
She brings the back of her palm up to your forehead, an action that has your eyes snapping opening immediately.
Alexia’s sort of surprised when she realises you’ve got no fever whatsoever, although she’s well aware that not all sicknesses result in fever, something about it is putting her off.
“Hola pequenita.”
It takes you a few seconds to realise where you are and what’s happening, but as soon as you do you are shaking Alexia’s hand from your face and pushing yourself out of your cube.
“Sorry, time completely slipped past me, I’ll head back now.”
Alexia’s hand grabs your forehand before you have the opportunity to slip past her, tugging you backwards until you’re standing directly in front of your captain, forced to look at her.
“Are you sick?”
Alexia isn’t sure what’s wrong, but it’s clear something is up and sickness is the clearest option. She knows that you are no stranger to energy drinks, she spends most of her time heckling at you to try and put down whatever drink you’ve got in your hands. She’s never seen you down two in such a short amount of time though and sickness would be a good explanation.
“No, I’m fine.”
Alexia can’t find any deceit in your words or mannerisms, it appears that you are being completely honest with her, something that makes Alexia even more confused. None of the tell-tale signs are there, you are telling the truth.
“I know you aren’t a stranger to a midday nap, but it’s unlike you to be so tired.”
Alexia’s arm moves from your forearm up to your face, gently tracing the deep purple bags that are sitting below your eyes. Her thumb is soft, it feels like she’s mending all of the fatigue that lies there, but as soon as her thumb moves it all comes back.
“I’m fine Capí, just stayed up a little bit later last night.”
Alexia can tell that’s a lie, a cover up from whatever it is that you’re hiding from her.
“Well see to it that you get into bed earlier tonight. The team is out on the pitch, I told Jona that you’d join them once finished up with your work that you’d head out but I think you need some fresh air. Better get moving.”
Alexia’s voice is ridged and your body reacts to it, reaching into your locker with more speed then she’s seen you work with all day, you grab your cleats and before Alexia has the chance to speak anymore you are marching out of the rooms and out towards the pitch.
It’s perplexing to Alexia, she hates being lied to, especially when it’s clear something is wrong. She waits in the locker room for a few minutes, trying to piece together the mystery yet she comes up with nothing.
Eventually she makes the decision to go out and watch the training, pitchside, maybe you’ll have perked up now that you’re out doing something you enjoy.
The first thing Alexia notices is how frantically you are playing, it’s unlike you to be sloppy and yet as she watches you it’s all she can observe.
You are sloppy, messy and uncalculated, something that you are normally the opposite of.
You are a technical player, something that has helped you settle into the Barcelona squad with ease, you adjusted to the Spanish way of playing without much fuss.
What Alexia is watching though, you look like a completely different player. You’re practically passing the ball directly to Salma, goal after goal being put through your legs and around your body. It’s embarrassing, and she’s certain other people are picking up on your abnormal behaviour, multiple people, specifically Ingrid coming to check on you and make sure everything is fine.
You shake all of them off, even though it’s clear that something is up and whatever that something is, it’s big and it’s affecting your game and mood majorly.
Alexia’s not surprised when Jona drags you from the field, already yelling at you and sending orders your way, what she is surprised by is the way that you don’t even flinch as he throws never ending criticism your way.
You just stare at him, neither nodding or trying to reply to him, Alexia’s not even sure if you’re hearing him, if you’re present enough to be listening to the words that are leaving his mouth. For a second she considers the possibility that you’re violently hungover or acting under the influence of some kind of substance, it would explain the drowsiness and weird behaviour.
The idea makes Alexia instantly filled with anger, you are 16 and she will take you to the grave if you’ve been touching any kinds of substances. She’s mad enough as it is over the energy drinks, and she’s going to express that when the two of you are in private later on, but the chance that you’ve consumed something illegal for someone of your age, it sends shivers down her spine.
Jona has you back out on the field before you can even begin to respond to his critiques, back into defence where you are brutally humbled time and time again by the likes of Aitana, Salma and Caro.
Alexia cringes every single time, she knows that you are struggling, what she’s completely unprepared for is for you to fully collapse on the field.
Caro volleys another ball over your head and for a second Alexia doesn’t even notice you crumpled up on the ground of the pitch, she’s too busy watching the sight of Caro’s ball perfectly managing to slot in behind Cata. It’s a truly beautiful goal, and truly there isn’t much you could have done about it.
She only notices you when Cata doesn’t turn around to grab the ball, instead, she rushes forwards, leaving the ball long forgotten beside the bottom right post. She’s rushing forwards, down to her knees, directly beside your crumpled up body.
Alexia jumps up from her spot immediately, running faster than she should considering the current state of her knee, it doesn’t matter to her though, seeing your tiny little body all clumped up against the grass terrifies her.
Cata’s smart, and apparently fast acting because before Alexia is sitting down next to you, Cata’s already got her shirt off, drenched it with her drink bottle and has it folded up over your forehead. The cold water seems to bring you back a little bit, your head jerking upwards in reaction to the sudden change of temperature across your skin.
Just as Alexia’s crouching down next to you, the medics are pushing everyone out of the way, kneeling down next to you and doing the same as Cata had done, placing wet towels across your skin. They’re treating it like you’ve got heat stroke and whilst Alexia is aware it’s a warmer day, she knows that whatever is wrong with you, it most definitely isn’t heat stroke.
One of the medics squirts some water onto your face, something that Alexia doesn’t like the look of, but it seems to bring you back awake, your eyes bursting open and blinking furiously as you take in your surroundings.
Alexia can see you panicking immediately, your eyes flashing to the multiple faces that are crowding your vision.
“Everyone take a step back, give her some space.”
The medics and your teammates take a step back, leaving Alexia to skoot herself closer to you. Her hand comes to rest on your face, gently brushing the water residue off.
“Hola nena, stay calm for me, you had a little fall, we’re going to get you inside now, do you think you can get up for me?”
You nod at Alexia, you can’t remember what happened but you don’t want to be on the floor any longer than you have to be.
Alexia helps you up and off the pitch, the medics leading the two of you inside.
Alexia immediately gets you situated on a table, the medics immediately getting their hands all over you.
“Test her heart for me please, and her caffeine and sugar levels. I’ll be right back nena, I’m just going to grab something from my locker, text me if you need anything.”
Alexia is inexplicably angry and she knows that if she spends any more time in a room with you she’s going to yell, or say something that she’s going to regret. If it wasn’t for all the doctors, she probably wouldn’t care but she doesn’t need to air out private situations in front of people who have no business in your private life.
So she stomps her way to the locker room, set on trying to detangle the mess of emotions that has developed deep in her gut ever since this morning.
It’s been longer than this morning, Alexia’s noticed oddities in your behaviour, ever since you’d arrived. The energy drinks, the constant eye bags, power naps whenever you could fit them in. You live by yourself, something that Alexia deeply disapproves of and after today she doesn’t think it should continue on like this. You’d requested your own apartment for two reasons, privacy and because you didn’t want to disturb the private life of your teammates.
Alexia wanted to punch a wall, or throw something. That was all that was running across her mind as she paced back and forth in the locker rooms.
All Alexia could think about was your body, crumpled up on the pitch and she had no idea why and no idea how to help you.
You were sitting in the medical room, by yourself, beside the many doctors and physios who were poking and attaching you to different things.
You were exhausted, you were finding it hard to keep your eyes open. You’d felt the same way all day, hitting the pitch had been too much, too hard, too much energy for your exhausted body.
You wished that you’d feel the same every night when you tried to go to sleep every night, but alas, it felt like as soon as you got into bed, or as soon as you tried to close your eyes sleep just avoided you.
Alexia was probably two laps of the locker room away from throwing her phone at a wall when Mapi walked in, weirded out by the sight of her best friend grinding her feet into the floor as she walked back and forth in the locker rooms.
“Ale?”
Alexia’s pacing doesn’t stop, but she does take a second to look up at María and for some reason the concernedly smiley face of her best friend seems to help the anger bubbling up inside her simmer down slightly.
“Alexia, what’s wrong?”
Alexia’s hands are fidgeting wildly in front of her, her fingers clicking and toying with each other.
“Somethings wrong with Nena, she’s exhausted and frantic and she looks like she hasn’t slept and she’s downing all those energy drinks and maybe they’re getting to her heart? Maybe that’s why she collapsed or maybe she’s sick but somethings wrong and I don’t know what and she collapsed right in front of my eyes.”
Normally, out of the two, Mapi is the one who confides in Alexia the most. Alexia isn’t an openly emotional person and when she is it’s with Olga, because for some reason that woman can get everything and anything out of her. Here though, it’s clear Alexia needs someone to de stress with and Mapi is happy to take up that role.
“It’s just her Alexia, she’s always tired and drinking energy drinks, it’s how the kids these days do it.”
Mapi’s words are supposed to soothe Alexia, honestly they do the complete opposite.
“But she shouldn’t, she’s an athlete, she shouldn’t need them. Mapi, I am telling you, something is seriously wrong, I can feel it. I know she’s always tired, but she looks like she hasn’s slept in weeks and I don’t know why.”
Mapi, for the sake of trying to calm Alexia down, decides that instead of trying to invalidate her worries, it’s best to just try and reason with Ale.
“Ale, how about we go see her, if somethings wrong I’m sure she’d tell us.”
Alexia nods at Mapi, taking the extended arm that her friend gives her and allowing the Zaragozan to lead her back to the physio room she’d previously been in.
When she returns, she’s relieved to see that you look a lot better than how you had on the pitch. There are still grass stains across your face, but you’re less pale than you were before and you’re sipping on a gatorade which somehow makes Alexia feel less guilty about the whole situation.
“Hola pequena.”
Your eyes manage to meet Alexia’s, something that kind of shocks her, considering just how weighed down your eyes seem to be by the deep purple bags underneath your eyes.
“Bon dia.”
Alexia would not call this a good morning, she couldn’t even call it an okay one.
“What’s wrong?”
Alexia’s focus is on the physios, not you, she’s saving you for later.
“Luckily, not a lot. I checked her heart and I couldn’t find any abnormalities, it’s clear that she’s tired, she’s told me she woke up a little bit earlier than normal this morning which paired with the warmer weather and some minor dehydration is probably the main cause. She’ll take today off, rest up, but I can’t find anything that would indicate any serious underlying problems so there isn’t any reason why I would say she couldn’t be back on the pitch tomorrow.”
It’s a positive sign, but not what Alexia wants to hear, she wants something to be wrong, so that she can get to the bottom of whatever is happening to you.
“Good, thank you, do you think you could give us the room for a couple of minutes, por favor?”
The physio smiles at Alexia, giving her a nod before leaving the room discreetly.
As soon as Alexia is certain he is no longer within hearing distance, she pivots on her heel, so she’s facing you directly.
“What are you hiding?”
It’s so ominous, even Mapi thinks it’s a little bit far-fetched, as a 16 year old, Mapi was probably hiding more than she was sharing, it’s not really a fair question.
“What am I hiding?”
It sounds like you're even struggling to get words out, your voice is just so tired, like it’s taking up so much energy for you to speak a few simple words.
“Somethings wrong, you’ve been drinking all these energy drinks, which are not only far too caffeinated but also extremely bad for you and you look like you haven’t slept properly in weeks.”
You want to tell Alexia that she’s right, you aren’t sleeping properly, you haven’t been your whole life, but she wouldn’t be the first person who tried to help you and has failed miserably in the process, it’s quite simple, sleep and you just simply do not work.
“Anyone from England would tell you that I just drink energy drinks, it’s not that deep Alexia.”
Mapi is teetering on the edge of having to hold Alexia back from causing you bodily harm.
“Deep? Collapsing on a pitch is not deep? It seems pretty deep to me amor, you can hardly talk, you could hardly read this morning, it’s clear something is wrong and I want to know what.”
You don’t know how to tell Alexia that something isn’t wrong, this is just you, or the new version of you in Spain. Your insomnia had always affected you, moving to Spain had seemed to make it worse but you’d always lived like this, ever since you could remember, sleep was just something that you could never have consistently.
“Nothings wrong, I am fine, I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”
Alexia’s jaw sets and for a second Mapi does truly worry for you.
“I want you to not lie to my face.”
You visibly flinch at those words, you don’t want nor mean to lie to Alexia, but you figure you are saving yourself from a merry go round of painful conversations.
“I’m not lying.”
Alexia knows you are, she’s not stupid.
“Right, well you’ve got the day off, you’ll be coming home with me and staying with Olga and I until you look less like you are on the brink of a coma. María will go get your things.”
Mapi nods quickly at Alexia, walking out of the room as quickly as she can manage, leaving just you and Alexia.
Even though Alexia is mad, she begrudgingly helps you up from the bed, draping your arm over her shoulder to give you somebody to lean on as she walks the two of you out to her car. She’s just gotten you seated in the passenger seat and closed your door when Mapi pops up with your things. Before Alexia can hop into the car and get going, Mapi stops her.
“Be easy on her, si? She’s going through something and I know you want to know, I know you want to help her but whatever is wrong, she’s not talking about it for a reason. Maybe she doesn’t need you questioning her, just take a look, a proper look at her and see if you can get a better idea. For me?”
Alexia knows that Mapi won’t let go of her shirt without some kind of acknowledgement that she’s going to agree to her.
“Okay, I’ll go easy on her.”
It’s a half truth, Mapi seems to accept it though, letting go of Alexia’s shirt so that the Catalan can take her seat in her car and begin to drive the two of you home.
The car ride home is eerily silent, Alexia keeps her eyes focused on the road, her knuckles whitening from the grip she has on the steering wheel and her jaw so set that you begin to worry that her teeth must hurt from the constant clenching.
When the two of you pull up to Alexia’s house you’re feeling a lot better, your head is clearer and you don’t feel as broken as you had earlier.
You clamber out of the car, walking your way slowly to Alexia’s front door. Alexia bothers around with the keys, twisting them in the hole before opening up the door for the two of you.
“Ale? You’re home early.”
Olga’s voice filters in from the kitchen, the two of you making your way through until you spot her.
“Nena, is that you? I didn’t know we were going to have company, if I had I would have cleaned up a little bit for you.”
You shake your head at Olga, giving her a small smile that you’ve reserved just for Alexia’s partner.
“Go sit down on the couch, get your feet up.”
Alexia’s voice is stern, it immediately makes Olga frown at her.
Alexia allows her girlfriend to drag her from the kitchen and into their pantry.
“What’s with the mood?”
Olga’s happy space is her and Ale’s house, it’s supposed to be the one place that the both of them can get away from football and stress.
“Nena is hiding something, she collapsed at training and we don’t really know why but she does and she won’t tell us.”
Olga nods her head, the somehow younger but wiser woman putting on her thinking hat and trying to rationalise what Alexia is telling her.
“Don’t you think it would be smarter to try and be nice to her? I know that she’s fucked up, but it’s clear she just needs some love right now, maybe you should be giving it to her.”
Alexia thinks that Olga doesn’t understand the whole situation, she doesn’t see you everyday, doesn’t see how ragged you are and how deep this issue stems, but she also can’t not listen to her, the woman somehow tends to always be right and she can’t see why that would change now.
“Okay, okay.”
Olga smiles at her, getting up on her tiptoes to press a kiss to Alexia’s jaw before pushing her out of the pantry and back into the kitchen.
Alexia is unsurprised to find you dead asleep on her couch, your head lulled against one of her couch pillows. She’s glad, and decides to pocket the inevitable conversation she is going to have to have with you, instead opting to help her girlfriend make lunch.
You sleep for a total of 40 minutes, something that Alexia is less glad about. As soon as she notices you’re awake she’s forcing a bottle of water into your hands and two aspirins. You take them before she shoves them down your throat, taking multiple gulps of the water so Alexia didn’t have another reason to be mad with you.
To be fair, she looked a lot less mad than she had earlier, you wouldn’t even really describe how she looked as mad, more concerned.
Alexia sat down in front of you on the couch, taking a deep breath before she started speaking.
“I’m not going to force you to tell me anything, I understand that you are going through a lot, I just need you to know that I’m here for you, anything you need nena I am here to support you and try and help you however I think best.”
Alexia’s words cut deep for you, it’s a struggle for you not to break out in tears, as much as you really want to.
“I know Ale.”
She nods at you, holding back her own tears, there’s some kind of understanding between the two of you, that you aren’t going to cry or speak, just acknowledge each other for now.
“Olga’s made up the spare room for you, you’ll stay here until you’re in a better place. You’re welcome here and you’ll be no bother for the next couple of weeks.”
You nod your head, biting down on your tongue to stop yourself from arguing back to her.
The rest of the afternoon is fairly similar, you are fed by Olga and then spend the majority of the rest of the day lounging on the couch, occasionally falling asleep, but as Alexia notices, never for longer than 40 minutes. It’s like your body refuses to properly rest.
When dinner comes around you look just as exhausted as you had this morning, you just look a little bit less dead.
After dinner, you head off to bed, alexia’s glad, she’s hoping that you’ll have a nice long proper sleep and that all of this will be solved.
She’s wrong.
Instead of hopping into bed, you pull out your laptop, knowing that if you stand a chance at getting even two hours of sleep it’s not happening any time soon.
You work at your school work, completing the things you hadn’t finished earlier. When 12 o’clock rolls around, you force yourself away from your laptop and underneath the covers of alexia’s extremely comfortable spare bed.
You stare at the roof, every now and again you’ll twitch and for some reason it’ll hurt your brain. You play your favourite song over and over again in your head, praying that it’ll somehow lull you to sleep, it neves does. You stare at the ceiling and try to focus on the sound of the fan. You stare at the ceiling and wonder if the swirl pattern in it is mobing. You think about your favourite film and how the characters used to provide you so much peace. When you remember how much they meant to you, you let a few stray tears fall.
You stare at the ceiling.
Every once and a while, you’ll roll over and press your face into the pillows and pull the covers over your head and hope that if you hide somehow you’ll fall asleep.
Eventually, you’ll fall asleep.
Sometimes it takes hours, all for you to wake up half an hour later feeling as unsatisfied as ever.
It’s how you live, it’s the same routine every night, it’s your normal.
When 4am rolls around and you’ve managed to get a measly twenty minutes or so of sleep, you climb out of the sheets, annoyed that your glass of water is empty. Your eyes are dry and itchy with the feeling of needing to cry, you push that feeling deep into your gut, ignoring the desperate need to ignore your feelings in favour of keeping a strong face.
You try to be as quiet as possible, filling up your glass and taking a seat on Alexia’s couch, looking out of the window of her lounge room at the Barcelona skyline that lights up along her back fence.
“Nena is that you?”
You nearly jump out of your skin.
Alexia is standing in the kitchen, leaning up against the island, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and staring at you inquisitively.
“What are you doing awake?”
The words trigger something in you, it’s probably the half dazed state you’re in, the complete exhaustion and annoyance you’re experiencing at your inability to sleep, but all of a sudden, tears are dripping your face and you don’t know why or how.
Alexia freezes for a second, she’d expected something obviously, but crying was not one of those things.
She’s never seen you cry, she’s never had to deal with a teenager who is breaking down right in front of her eyes. She doesn’t know what to do, or how to help you, all she knows is that you are crying a lot and she is just standing and watching.
The problem solver in Alexia tells her that she has to do something, so she paces her way over to the couch, sitting down beside you and tentatively wrapping an arm around your shoulder. She doesn’t know whether or not it’s the right way to go, but it seems to pay off when you immediately relax into her, your head craning into the pocket of her neck and shoulder. Fresh, warm tears drip down onto Alexia’s skin.
Alexia is tense, her back as straight as a board. She doesn’t normally have to deal with this kind of thing, she doesn’t have to try and sympathise with feelings. She’s not an emotional person herself, she cries once a year normally and that’s on the anniversary of her fathers death.
“Nena, it’s okay, I’m here.”
Alexia’s words are calculated, strategic, like she’s reading them off of google or something. Truly, she doesn’t intend for them to come off that way, but it’s kind of just how they do.
Alexia waits for the tears to stop coming, she figures it has to happen, you can’t just cry forever.
The two of you sit like that, crisscrossed on the couch until you manage to compose yourself, until you’ve cried out all the annoyance and grievances over your current predicament.
In the past, your insomnia would stop you from sleeping for days, but eventually the exhaustion would catch up with you and you would get a good night or a few of sleep, but it had been weeks now of you living in Barcelona and sleep had been avoiding you the whole time.
“Nena, what’s wrong?”
Right now, it feels like everything is wrong, it feels like your whole world is upside and you want it to be normal, you want to just be able to close your eyes and get some fucking sleep.
“I can’t sleep.”
Alexia’s brow furrows.
“Well maybe you shouldn’t have had so many energy drinks, no?”
It’s the kind of reply you should have expected.
“No Alexia, I can’t sleep, I have insomnia.”
Alexia struggles with the translation in her head, in-som-ni-a?
“Sorry, what?”
You take a deep shaky breath, pulling your head away from Alexia’s chest so that you can rub the tears from your eyes with the sleeve of your shirt.
“Insomnia, I can’t sleep, medically. I have a condition that stops me from being able to sleep regularly.”
Alexia’s head all of a sudden starts working, she’s a little bit behind, it’s 4am after all and she’s struggling to keep her eyes open.
“You can’t sleep?”
You shake your head, Alexia wants to tell you that you’re being silly, but when she sees the pure heart break and exhaustion in your eyes she knows that you can’t be lying. You look so young, tear tracks all over your face and body caved in on itself.
“I can’t sleep.”
It makes more sense to alexia now, all the energy drinks, the exhaustion, the power naps.
“Have you talked to the team doctors about it, I’m sure they could give you medication or something that could make it better, this can’t go on forever, nena.”
You shake your head at Alexia, your exhaustion turning to fear.
“No and you have to promise you won’t either. I’ve been through it, the sleep tests, all of it. I won’t take drugs, you can't make me and I refuse to.”
It’s like you go from being a mellowed out version of yourself to an attack dog.
“Nena, you need help, you can’t keep playing when you can hardly keep yourself standing.”
You shake your head, so fast that Alexia worries you might pass out from the sudden and frequent movements.
“I’m not taking drugs, you can’t make me, I won’t do it.”
Alexia doesn’t know where this sudden defensiveness has come from, but she knows two things. She needs to make sure that you understand that she can be there for whatever you are going through whilst also trying to figure out what is your random refusal to not take medication.
“Wouldn’t it help some?”
It’s hard to explain your complete hatred for any kinds of drugs. You’d grown up in a household where your mom might as well have been a druggie with how little she was invested in your life and where your dad was a legitimate druggie.
You struggled to take paracetamol, let alone any kind of prescribed drug.
You were scared shitless that somehow, you would turn out like your father and that was the last thing you could ever want.
You didn’t come from a loving home, you didn’t come from a place where you got the newest cleats every year and the best training. You came from a home where grocery money was spent on cocaine and any football money was spent on heroin. You’d been lucky enough that you were good enough for England teams to notice you, for academies to notice you. You were always good enough that you didn’t have to fork out the extra money and if you did it was your own money.
That’s why you’d been so eager to get out of England, to come to Spain. It saved you from the lifestyle that you had been so desperate to get away from.
“I’m not going to take medication Ale.”
For a long time, you’d blamed the insomnia on the constant partying that happened at your house as a kid. Your dad was a revolving door house kind of person, there were always people inside of your house, women, druggies, sex workers, partiers. It was never ending, and for a logn while you’d just thought you couldn’t sleep because of the constant noise inside of your house. When you went away for your first camp at 11, you realised that just simply wasn’t it, you had a serious problem. Maybe it was a byproduct of always being in a house full of noise, or maybe it was just your fucked up ness, you just knew that somewhere along the way, everything in your brain started working backwards.
“Nena, you don’t have to take medication, but can you tell me why?”
You figure that you’ve already told Alexia too much, why stop now?
“My dad has drug problems, always has, probably always will. My mom was never really home as a kid, when she was it wasn’t pretty. I don’t want to turn out like them. That’s why I didn’t go home over the break”
Alexia’s heart drops. She’s been through her own problems with her family, her fathers death and so on. But she’s always had something and that is a safe place to go if she ever needs it. Her parents loved her, they did everything to protect her as a child, Alexia grew up in a space where she could be whoever she wanted and her parents would support her. You, to some extent, clearly didn’t and it explained a lot to her. It explained why you were so hesitant to accept help from anyone, and why you were such a lone wolf, you had to be for survival.
Alexia suddenly wraps her arms around you, all of a sudden feeling an overwhelming sense that she has to protect you, that you need her to keep you safe.
You’re crying again, it hurts less this time, it comes more from a place of exhaustion than annoyance and anger.
“I just want to rest Ale, I just want some peace.”
Alexia’s grip tightens, she’s compressing your bones in the best way possible.
“It’s okay nena, I’ve got you, it’s going to be okay.”
Alexia just holds you, until you exhaust yourself so much from the crying that you fall asleep.
She doesn’t want to wake you, not after everything you’ve just confessed to her, so she lays herself down on the couch, keeping you pulled tight to her chest as she drapes a blanket over the two of you and rests down against the pillows, deciding that she might as well get a few hours in for herself.
You wake up to the sun in your eyes and the smell of bacon and pancakes.
You feel better than you have in weeks, blinking the sleep away from your eyes and slowly sitting up as you adjust to your surroundings.
Alexia and Olga are in the kitchen, talking hushedly as Alexia cooks over the stove and Olga rocks with her from behind. It feels and looks intimate and you are so tempted to sneak out of the front door to leave them to their peace and avoid all the obvious issues that are going to have to be unpacked with your captain.
You’re seriously considering, but your plotting is stopped when Olga turns around to grab something and she spots you on the couch, conscious and awake.
“Bon Dia, nena.”
Alexia pivots as well, sending a smile towards you.
“Good morning, what time is it?”
Olga detaches herself from Alexia, moving towards the fridge.
“It’s just past six.”
2 and a half hours of sleep, that’s not bad at all, it’s better than you’ve had in weeks.
“Breakfast is almost done, if you want to take a seat at the table.”
You nod at Alexia, standing up from your spot on the couch and walking over to the dining table, taking a seat at the table and trying to tame your bed head whilst Alexia plates up the food.
The plate she hands you is full of food, bacon, toast, pancakes, sausages, fruit. It reminds you of home in a weird way, it’s not a truly traditional Spanish breakfast, more English and it seems like Ale’s done it for a reason.
She waits until you’ve started to tuck into your food before she starts speaking.
“I’ve scheduled a meeting with Jona and the medical team this morning, for you.”
Your boyd goes from relaxed and at peace to tense, Alexia knows it’s breaking your trust in a way, but she also knows that she’s now obligated to protect you.
“I told you I don't want doctors or drugs.”
Alexia takes a deep breath, looking over at Olga and being reminded that sometimes she has to do hard things.
“I know nena, and i’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to, I don’t think I could if I tried, but this can’t keep going. I did some research, there are some really good drugs for people that struggle like you, that aren’t addictive and can help lots. I’m not a doctor and neither are you. We don’t know about these things, it’s not our job, but there are people who do know about this stuff and they can try to help you, really help you. You can’t live like this, it’s not sustainable in any way, we need to find some way to fix this. Whether it’s therapy or medication or resting, you need something and you can’t provide it yourself.”
Alexia words are a punch to the gut, but they also make sense, she knows what she’s talking about.
“You promise that I won’t have to do anything I don’t want to?”
Alexia nods her head, she’s shocked that you’re already sort of agreeing with her.
“I promise nena, I just want to help you somehow, however that may be.”
You take a big bite of your food, and a gulp of the orange juice that Olga has set down next to you.
“I slept better than I have in months last night, because of you, I don’t know how or why but something you did made me sleep and if you think that I need help, then I can’t really argue with that. It needs to be on my own terms though.”
Alexia nods, this is so hard for you, accepting help, accepting that you have a problem that needs fixing.
“Of course nena.”
You nod, drawing all of your thoughts together.
“I think I need help Ale, I want help.”
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heartstoptrying · 2 months
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Hot for Teacher
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damn🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵
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justagirlwholikesadam · 3 months
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Missing My Werewolf Husband
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A/N: David Thewlis has taken over my mind lol. Enjoy - L
Summary: After two weeks of Remus leaving to teach Hogwarts. He finally comes back.
WARNING: Being married, smut, breeding, NSFW, SFW, angst
Word Count: 2.7K
═ ≪ ❈ ≫ ═
Remus was happy when he got an offer to teach in Hogwarts. The money would help a lot, that’s what he told you as you helped him pack. He notices your quiet demeanor as you fold his dress robes neatly to avoid any wrinkles. You had even patch a few holes on them in the morning.
He calls out your name as he sits on the edge of bed. His heart breaks into two when he notices how red your eyes are. You were trying your hardest not to cry. You were happy for him, yes. The money would be nice, yes but you didn’t care about that. As long as you had him with you everything worked out.
Both of you had settled in his little cottage after graduating Hogwarts and after the war. The cottage was small but it was everything to both of you, making it into your home and using magic for a few repairs. It was paradise and it was a place where Remus could transform every full moon.
“I’m sorry.” You cried softly and he goes close to you in the middle of the bed wrapping an arm around you so you can lean against him.
“Don’t cry, love.” He tells you as he kisses your forehead and hugs you. You hug him back, laying your head on his chest.
“We can send letters. I’ll see you every two weeks when I'm settled down in school and you can use the floo too. Dumbledore was kind enough to add it to my chambers, he said he will connect it with the one in the living room.”
Remus cups your face with his hands, wiping your tears away with his thumbs. You look up at your husband, his blue eyes are filled with his own tears. You pushed his sandy brown hair away from his face so you could kiss him.
Remus was the first to pull away and leans his forehead against yours, his hands going down to touch your arms. “You’re scaring me. You’re not going to leave me if I go, right?” He asks. You shake your head before answering him.
“No, I’m not. I'm not going to leave you not after all the work and time I spent trying to convince you that I love you.”
Remus lets out a chuckle as he kisses you again. You were right, you were in love with him since you were children in school. He knew he was in love with you the moment he saw you on the train to Hogwarts. As he grew he believed that he didn’t deserve to be loved. He didn’t deserve to have friends because of what he is. He didn’t deserve to have someone so beautiful and kind hearted like you but you managed to change his stubborn mind.
“Sometimes I think it’s a dream being married to you. I'm scared of waking up one day and finding out you're not mine. I don't deserve someone like you.” He confesses as he thinks about how you manage his moods when a full moon is near. Helping him clean and dressing his wounds for him after a full moon.
He thinks about the late night you wait outside for him. His chest fills with warmth as he remembers how you learned to make homemade chocolate for him.
When the day comes for him to go to Hogwarts, both of you couldn’t stop from crying. Remus didn’t sleep the night before. He watched as you slept after an eventful night. He traces the love bites marked on your skin, your eyes are shut but your lips are a bit open. He uses his thumb to pull your bottom lip before touching your face again.
Giving you a last kiss before boarding the train he looks out the window to wave at you. He finds an empty cart and places his luggage and suitcase above the seat. He watches out the window as he sits down, with his head against the window. He sniffs before wiping his tears with the back of his hand. There were so many memories about this train, his friends, his life in Hogwarts when he was younger. He can hear Lily and you talking about Charms while Sirius and James planned their next prank. He smiles at the thought of you cuddling with him on the train after graduating from Hogwarts. He feels his eyes grow heavy and he enters into a dreamless sleep.
It was two weeks later and Remus was filled with anxiety. He had sent you a letter on his first day of Hogwarts, telling you all about his position and about the students he is teaching. He wrote to you the next day that he couldn’t sleep the first day there because you weren’t there next to him. You weren’t there to cuddle him and scratch his back. You weren't there to run your fingers through his hair to help him fall asleep.
He found himself daydreaming about you during his breaks and meal times. To make matters worse, Moony missed you too. He can feel it, the wolf needed to be with his mate. Two weeks felt so long, he hasn’t touched you, he hasn’t smelled you. He hasn’t tasted you.
He graciously thanked Dumbledore and the elves for properly connecting the fireplace in his chambers to the fireplace to his little cottage. He quickly used it when they left.
Remus calls your name when he walks into the living room of the cottage. It’s quiet and he calls your name again. Looking in the kitchen and finding nothing he decided to go check the bedroom. The door is open and he can hear you humming. Calling your name again, he looks inside to see you on the bed.
He smiles wide when he notices you. You’re wearing one of his dark gray cardigans. It’s big on you, all of his cardigans are oversized. He saw your bare legs and saw the cardigan was half zip up, showing your cleavage.
You’re holding a book in your lap and he notices the Walkman near you. You’re wearing headphones and now he knows why you couldn’t hear him. He’s surprised you still haven’t seen him, especially when he walks into the room. He slowly starts to make his way up the bed and crawl to you. Feeling the bed dip, you looked ahead and you let out a yelp. Ripping the headphones off your head and pushing the book to the other side of the bed, you throw yourself onto Remus making him laugh as he lays flat on his back on the bed. You had crawled on him, sitting on his lap and kissing him.
Remus moans as he opens his mouth to deepen the kisses. He cups your face, tugging you closer to him as he turns his head to the side to slip his tongue in your mouth.
He looks up at you when you pull away. “Hi.” He says making you smile.
“Hello, Professor Lupin.” You said in a teasing tone as you looked down at him. He smiles at you before puckering his lips at you so you can give him another kiss. His hands find their way onto your legs and rub them up to your hips. He hears you squeal when he pulls the thong before releasing it, making it snap back against your skin. He grows hard at the thought of you home wearing only his cardigans and a thong on.
“Remus.” You whisper to him as you grind yourself against his crotch.
His eyes harden when you sit up straight, staring intensely at him as you bring a hand to the zipper of the cardigan. Pulling it completely down, Remus helps you, pushing the cardigan off of your shoulders showing him your bare chest. You hear him whine before pulling you toward him. He latches on one of your nipples as he uses his hand to pull the other one.
You moaned as he licked and sucked your nipple. Your moans turns into a giggle when his mustache tickles your nipple as he makes out with your breasts.
You can hear Moony growl as he licks the valley between your breasts all the way up to your neck. Remus pulls away to kiss your mark. Nuzzling in your neck, he quickly turns around making you laid down on your back. He spreads your legs wide open for his frame.
Remus doesn’t wait, he’s always been impatient when it comes to touching you. He feels you pulling his tie as he kisses your neck, his eyes roll in the back of his head when he feels you cup him though his trousers.
“Take this off, baby.” You tell him and he obeys you in a hurry. Removing his tie, throwing it over his shoulders with his shirt and sweater. Your eyes watched the scars on his rib cage expand as he took a deep breath. Remus’ body was a work of art to you. His fair skin was a canvas, some of his scars were pink, some were red and others were darker color. You love all of it, you kissed every one of him, even the ones on his back and legs.
You have kissed the ones of his handsome face. You watched as Remus kicked his shoes off and took his trouser off. You bite your bottom lip as your eyes wander down to his light brown happy trail, it disappears under his pitch tent boxer.
Wanting to taste him so bad, you felt his hands grab a hold of your ankle tugging you to the edge of the bed. You call out his name, laughing as you see him with a grin. He knelt down between your legs, his nose bumps with your cunt. He kisses it over the small fabric of the thong.
“Remus!” You moan when you feel his tongue licking your slit, he nips the fabric and uses one of his hands to pull it to the side. He latches on to your clit as he slowly slid two fingers in you.
Throwing your head back when you felt Remus hitting that sweet spot in you. You can’t help yourself and grab a hold of his hair, pulling him closer to your cunt. He moans at your action and eats your cunt messy. You don’t say anything when Remus rips the thong off your body. Another pair down the drain, you joke to yourself but you should have known better. Remus doesn’t like it when your sweet pretty cunt is covered. You blush as you remember what he told you. “Prettiest fucking cunt. You smell so good. Don’t cover up.”
Remus watches you as he comes back up, leaning over you. He kissed you and you moaned at the taste of your cunt on his tongue. He pulls away and signals you to get in the middle of the bed with his head. You quickly do and whine when you feel him slap your ass. Remus is quick to remove his boxer and follows you into the bed. Your head hits the pillow as he gets on top of you. Remus tells you how much he missed you as he kisses your neck. His hands go under, behind your knee and push them up to your chest.
“Let me..” Remus knew what you were going to ask. He would have loved your mouth on him but not right now. Two weeks without you, he needed you now. He needed to be inside of you.
“I’m so hard for you, already.” He tells you and you follow his right hand. He's jerking himself off. His cock looks so pretty and pink, he’s uncut and you can see the precum dripping out of his slit.
“You haven't cum in these two weeks?” You ask him and Remus shakes his head, pouting at you as he continues to touch himself.
You reach out for his cock. Going under to cup his balls making him moan. “Balls are heavy with cum, baby.” You whispered.
“You're going to give it to me right? You're going to give me all that cum you store for two weeks?” You asked him and Remus’ face turns red from your words.
You had a habit of making him blush red from your dirty words. “Yes, please.” He whines as you gently give his sack a squeeze.
Removing your hand, Remus gets closer to you, your legs are draped over his thighs as his cock hovers over your wet cunt. You moan softly when you feel him playing your clit with the fat head of his cock. He gives it a few slaps against your clit and pussy lips.
“Remus.” You cry his name out feeling impatient. He gives you a smirk at your plea to hurry up.
He quickly leans down to capture your lips as he slides himself in until the hilt. You cry out in his mouth at sudden movement. Remus fucks you as he's on top of you. His arm is behind you, your head is laying on his forearm as he watches your pretty face. He holds the edge of the mattress with his other hand, gripping it tightly as he thrusts in and out of you.
“Baby.” Remus whines as he looks down to see his cock going in and out of your pussy. What a lovely sight, a sight he missed so much. Letting go of the mattress he goes to your left breast fondling it as he continues.
You can't help but cry as he fucks you. Remus looking at you, his pretty blue eyes staring down. You feel him so deep in you in this position, his heavy balls are slapping your behind while rutting into you wild. The growl he gives you doesn't scare you one bit, it makes you clench around. Remus pants your name, you feel him tremble as you grab a hold of his thighs to help you stay in place. Remus' harsh thrust makes the box spring of bed squeak loudly. Your toes curl up when you feel his thumb on your throbbing clit. Remus leans back to see you come undone on his cock as he keeps fucking you. His hand becomes drench when you cum.
“Oh fuck-fuck.” Remus whines as he releases your clit and quickly leans back over you, his arms go under you to hold you close to his chest. He hides his sweaty face in your neck. You hold on to him for dear life as he catches up to his own release. Remus shouts your name and he gives you one harsh thrust and holds himself deep inside of you.
Remus is breathing heavily, he whines to you when he feels you stroking his back with both hands. He can hear you calling his name out softly trying to catch his attention. He moans as he feels his legs start to ache from holding this position but he ignores it. He lifts his head up from your neck and looks down at you. Your cheeks are flushed and your hair is tousled. He hums when you bring your hand to brush his own hair out of his face not minding how damp it was from his sweat.
“I missed you.” Remus hears you whisper.
“Me too. Me too, Y/n.” He croaks out to you before giving you a kiss on the lips. After a few moments, he’s off of you. He keeps kissing you softly, enjoying your warmth and your presence. He wipes you clean, carefully to not hurt you. Remus tries to push back Moony but the wolf inside of him is satisfied with the sight of your wet puffy cunt, blobs of his cum dripping out and wetting the blanket under you. With a warm damp cloth he wipes you with it, he gives your mound a kiss when he finishes.
You listen as Remus tells you about being back to school as you lay with him on the bed. He has his right arm around you as you laid on his chest. You trace the scars on his chest as he spoke. You catch sight of his left hand when he touches his lower stomach. The golden wedding band shines in the light and it makes you smile, you were so happy he was back. Oh merlin, how you missed your werewolf husband.
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mvltisstuff · 9 months
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mirrorball - c.f
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summary: you’ve tried anything and everything to get conrad to notice you. it’s until you start losing yourself that you finally speak up.
conrad fisher x reader
a/n: y/n is lowkey giving me in this, leave some conrad requests ;)
it started off with the way she wore her hair. it was naturally down, cascading down her head with nothing new to it. she always noticed how conrad would eye girls with luxurious hair, always looking perfect even when it looked normal.
it progressed to daily trips to the gym. she bought a membership and began going every day. she saw all the other girls in the gym with their friends, boyfriends. they looked amazing, having the ideal body for a girl and the ideal bodies that conrad and his friends look at. conrad goes to the gym, too. maybe he’d notice a theme with her.
then it was the clothes. she’d change into tighter clothes. crop tops, shorts, jewelry, anything uncomfortable for one glance from conrad.
she’d loved him for years. ever since her first summer at cousins and staying next door to the fishers and conklins. conrad had been so nice all the time. he was strikingly handsome, and she just wanted him to look at her. she hated to say she was desperate, but she was. she was changing herself to be more like conrad, and less and less like herself. anything that happened to her, she pushed away because conrad was on her mind. she put herself on a pedestal for him. she observed his every move, and every person he darted his eyes at.
her makeup, her interests, her personality had become a whole new person that she couldn’t even recognize. somehow, she was still proud of herself. everyone knew something was off. belly tried to talk to her and see if something was going on. however, it was partially her.
she saw the way conrad glanced at her with affection. she saw the way he saw nicole. she saw the way he noticed girls at the bonfires. she wanted it to be her turn, but every time was shut down by someone better and new.
she ‘fixed’ herself until there was literally nothing left to fix. her entire closet had been changed along with the makeup in her bag. her daily activities had changed and she watched herself to make sure anything she was doing wasn’t contradicting conrad. the only place she was herself, was her room. and she couldn’t even accept herself anymore.
when she looked in the mirror, she picked at things on herself that she never used to. every part of her face and every part of her body had become an inconvenience. things other girls might not have. she wanted to recognize herself but the old, happy version was just a ghost at this point. as much as she wanted the old y/n, she couldn’t stop herself from preventing her from coming back.
she watched her mood deteriorate every day. it wasn’t just conrad, it had grown into something bigger. hating her reflection and just wishing she was someone else. someone he looked at, someone that everyone wanted. she tries to show off a confident front, but it all disintegrates when she disappears in front of a bathroom mirror. it’s not even alarming at this point that she doesn’t know who she is or what she wants.
her bank account had been drained of money from products and clothes that would make her more like someone else. things that were never her.
it started out as a slight obsession with a boy, and it progressed into self hatred. she wanted so badly to be enough for conrad, but she wanted to be enough for herself. she felt like that would never come. she can’t win this battle with herself.
she resorted to drinks with her friends all the time to try and forget some of the pity she had for herself. smoking pot and doing anything that takes her mind off of herself and conrad. every time she came over, she thought maybe this is it. maybe he’ll look at me and realize that i’m great. maybe he can find the old self in me.
the debutante ball was coming up shortly. she had been practicing her dances with a boy she barely knew, one her mother set her up with. this boy had nothing for her, but she had nothing for him. she still wanted him to want her because it was just more approval that came her way. she’d picked out an bewitching dress, one that transformed her into a queen. she picked one out in hopes that conrad would like it, but also so it covered all the things she can’t fix. it snatched her waist, it brought in her ribs, it made her boobs look good, it made everything better than natural. that’s exactly what y/n wanted.
even watching y/n pick out the dresses, suzannah and laurel noticed the switch in her behavior. she dodged every single dress that fit her perfectly, and ran toward every one that sucked her in perfectly. y/n would usually go for the simple, casually-fitting dresses, but now she wanted ones that turned her into a barbie doll.
she was thrilled with her choice, getting it fitted and getting her makeup done exactly how everyone else would like it. her body looked exactly how everyone else would like it. her hair looked exactly how everyone else would like it.
she looked pleased with herself, but she still saw someone else in the mirror. nonetheless, she walked out on the stage, linking arms with the boy at her side. she put on a fake smile, one that people would find enchanting to see. she tried not to look at conrad, but failed in the end.
on the other hand, conrad had to pretend that he wasn’t completely staring at her. her beauty was poisoning the whole room. he had to pretend like everything was fine when he didn’t have her. she was the only one who truly had his eye for the longest time. even conrad was slightly disappointed in seeing the change, oblivious to the fact that it all started for him. however, he wasn’t able to peel his eyes off of her with a small grin.
y/n’s heart raced in ecstasy when she saw his eyes on her. his smile was for her. she swore she could run off the floor and into his arms, but she tried to keep her cool as she was in front of almost the entire town. she pranced around in her white dress, looking happier than ever because conrad finally noticed her. all the changing must have paid off, or at least she thought so. it wasn’t until she saw him dancing with belly in the corner of her eye.
all of her positive thoughts about herself quickly vanished. she thought she finally had him, but she was so clearly wrong. all of her optimism from earlier had left her with watery eyes. she could not cry here, her makeup would be ruined in front of everyone and she couldn’t look bad in front of anyone, not even herself. again, she forced another fake smile on her face until the dance was over, and she scurried out of the room.
she stood outside, right by the entrance with a small bottle of alcohol in her hand. she’d snuck it in her purse, being able to bring it outside. she took a massive gulp of it, not being able to face her own thoughts. she wanted to give up, but it was too late. the damage to herself was already done and it would be a burnout to have to reverse it. she was a failure. she failed conrad, her family, and herself. even in the reflection of the stupid fucking glass bottle she saw a complete disaster of a girl.
she was picking at her freshly done nails when the footsteps came echoing behind her. she didn’t give a shit about who it was. no one could change her mind about anything, and there was no comforting to do. she swipes the tears off her cheeks before conrad steps into her peripherals vision.
“i thought i’d find you here,” he says.
“i just needed some air, conrad. go back inside.”
“i’d believe you if you didn’t have that bottle in your hand,” she looks down at the liquid in her hands, tempted to take another gulp of it. “what is going on with you? i’ve known you for so long and i just don’t remember this side of you, so who is she?”
“conrad, don’t start.”
“no, y/n,” he argues. “i have to know you’re ok, i barely know the y/n i love anymore.”
“well, i wish i could answer that for you, but i don’t know who she is!”
“what?” he asks sadly. she begins to laugh, almost bending over in hysterics.
“i literally changed myself so much for you,” she replies. “and you just proved that i made it even worse. i don’t recognize myself anymore, got it? i flipped myself inside out for you to just look at me.”
her words are slurred together and she’s speaking with her hands, which worried conrad even more.
“i’ve had my eye on you for years, y/n. why would you do that to yourself?”
“i ask myself that question in the mirror every. fucking. day. i just want my old self back and i barely remember who she is!”
conrad realizes the severity of her emotions. he debated whether to step closer, and he acts on it when he sees even more violent tears running down her face. “i’m not even myself anymore, i’m everyone else.”
“shh, it’s ok,” he says, pulling her into an embrace and running a hand across her back. “it’s gonna be ok. i remember you every single day. i could never forget.”
“you don’t have to-“
“no, listen to me. you were the sweetest person ever, and i was ashamed of my excitement whenever you walked into a room. i didn’t wanna freak you out or anything. you were brave, you never once gave into other peoples shit. and you still are all these things. and i’ll spend every day proving it to you.”
she cries harder into his shoulder. the last thing she expected was the boy she loved comforting her outside of the building.
“i miss not giving a shit,” she peeps out, making conrad’s heart shred a bit.
“let’s stop giving one,” he looks her, cupping her face in his hands. “you and me, we’ll do it together, yeah?”
y/n creeps out a small smile at him, a genuine one for the first time in months. “you and i.”
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