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kylesvariouslistsandstuff · 3 months

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I'm gonna need the current animation-twitter-blogosphere-youtube-content-mill to understand something... Or at least, listen for a bit. I'm no expert, but as someone who has watched box office - particularly animation box office - for nearly two decades now, I wanna talk about what's going on with a lot of animated features nowadays in a post-outbreak world that's still actually dealing with COVID-19.

Box office, the way Hollywood measures it, is already archaic beyond belief at this point. Success and the movie's justification for existence being determined by a thing's opening weekend and not the legs, the longevity beyond theaters, etc. etc. It's created this weird culture of deeming things "flops" and also creating this weird obsession with marketing.

And apparently more than one of the YouTube Toon Opinion Industrial Complex content mills are already calling a movie like MIGRATION, which is currently legging it up in a way that Illumination's SING movies did during the holiday frame in their respective release years, a money-loser... Like, pump the brakes, will ya?

I don't care if it's clickbait or whatever, like, c'mon... We're reducing the hard work of animators and filmmakers to how much the movie makes in its first weeks of existence.

The way I see it, we're in an era now where...

Theater trips are goddamn expensive and are kind of a gamble. Over $50-70 for a family to see a movie, with concessions added, and your experience may SUCK. (Take it from me, 8-year movie theater employee and loooong-time moviegoer here who has had plenty a shit experience.) It's a gamble each and every time.

And the same applies to maybe a friend group, or a dating couple, or even older adults looking to watch something.

So, either the movie has to be something audiences are familiar with AND know what they're going to get out of it (i.e. MARIO, certain Marvel movies, etc.), or it's lucky to hit audiences in the right place at the right time (OPPENHEIMER, etc.) and luckily tap into the zeitgeist- if not change the zeitgeist singlehandedly.

Box office alone is a gamble. When you start a movie 4 years before release, how the hell do you know what the world is going to look like by the time the thing is completed?

I'm repeating myself, like a broken mp3, I know I know.

But, that's how I see it... Thus, animated family movies and their usual family audiences are in a unique position at the moment. A pretty solid-looking, more original animated family film from Pixar or DreamWorks or Sony had more chances of opening with $40m than they do now. Say, a movie that's not based on a pre-existing IP or is based on one that was never before adapted into a movie or TV series (think something like THE BAD GUYS).

Of course, you have your MARIOs and SPIDER-VERSEs. Those were guaranteed big openers. Films like ELEMENTAL and MIGRATION weren't so clear-cut. Even TROLLS 3 opened fine-ish, significantly below what TROLLS took in some 7 years ago. PUSS IN BOOTS 2 was hampered by bad weather on the East Coast, yeah, but its opening wasn't going to be anything special either. Legs... Or wings in MIGRATION's case, cat claws in PUSS's case... Make all the difference.

They always have, actually. Animated family features usually relied on strong word-of-mouth if they had some kind of adult appeal. It's something similar to what Walt Disney had once "realized" in the late 1950s. Something to the tune of "If the film really appealed to mom... Then mom takes the whole family... And then tells all her friends, and they go, and everyone goes."

So I feel we're in an era where the success of an animated feature can NOT be determined too early. Remember how ELEMENTAL was written off as a big ol' flop, immediately? And that Pixar was toast? And that they needed to bring the Hawaiian shirt pervert control freak back in order to get a box office hit again?

Weeks later, everyone was singing a different tune. ELEMENTAL was an underdog, it had a "comeback" story. No folks, that's just classic animation legs. People liked the movie after hearing from the few people who saw it... That it was actually worth checking out.

But these films need the legs more than ever before, now. Especially in a competitive marketplace where stuff is coming out every week, and there's always something just as good at home to put on. (Some people are trying to suggest that Netflix's LEO cut into Disney's WISH... Because it's at home, right there, no overpriced snacks or disruptive strangers next to you.)

Luckily, TROLLS 3 and MIGRATION were lower with their budgets. Cost in the sub-$100m regions, weren't required to make half a billion like the $200m-costing ELEMENTAL and WISH were expected to do. Which is kinda unfair to begin with, but I digress. Pixar is sure to blow $175m+ on their future features, and WDAS too, while DreamWorks, Illumination, and Sony try to keep it below $100m. Even if it's through dubious means, like outsourcing and shitty pay.

So, nowadays with animated family movies, it's a waiting game. MIGRATION, as of now, is currently at $77m domestically. That's already 6.4x its opening weekend, a fantastic multiplier for any film. By the time it wraps up, it'll likely make over 8x its opening weekend, landing amongst the biggest multipliers for a post-90s animated feature. That Christmas-to-winter break-to-boredom season slot does wonders, doesn't it? And of course, the movie being liked by those who saw it. WISH could've been a leggy Thanksgiving/Christmas movie - like TANGLED and FROZEN and MOANA were, but audiences clearly weren't digging it much.

Of course, it's not easy to do that, either. Sometimes a thing just won't land. LIGHTYEAR, for example. That's also part of the gamble. More often than not, though, these kinds of movies usually get a good audience grade, MIGRATION's no different... So, it's leggin' it up, winging it.

Which is why we should maybe... Wait a few weeks on these kinds of things? I know these "content creators" have bills to pay and have to crank-crank-crank stuff out, but still-

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snakelaufeyson · 3 years

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look me i’m the eyes and tell me this isn’t what happened in the trailer, you can’t

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smokeybrandreviews · 5 years

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Smokey brand Movie Review: Summer Love and Peter Tingles

Marvel Phase Three has been goddamn excellent. A lot of my favorite MCU films just, up and destroyed everything before in this phase. I’ll probably get around to a top ten MCU films sometimes this week, i’ve been toying with that for a while, but i wanted to properly see this off. Far From Home is the swan song of eleven, fantastic, years. Being the immediate follow-up to endgame, it had the biggest of shoe to fill. Spoiler alert; It filled those shoes and needed a bigger size!

The Great

Tom Holland IS Spider-Man. I said this in my Civil War review, i said this in my Homecoming review, and i’m saying it again here; Tom Holland IS Spider man! Kid is as much Pete as RDJ was Iron Man or Chris Evans is Cap. I absolutely marvel at how the MCU casts. Seriously, the real hero over there is Sarah Halley Finn. Feige is the engine that makes that Juggernaut go but Finn is the woman who get’s the perfect parts to fit into that blueprint. After eleven years, i just need to mention ms. Finn, specifically. She’s giving lie to these characters and it’s about time cat gave her the due she’s owed. Now, going forward...

Zendaya is officially too dope for word. I loved her little interjections in Homecoming but in this one, she has a lot to do. There’s a ton of growth to her character and it’s fun to see. She and Holland have an irresistible and natural chemistry do it was crazy seeing them together. It felt real, even with kid standing there in the new Spider-suit, their interactions felt organic. I’m glad she had the opportunity to shine because, my goodness, ms. Coleman is bloody fantastic at her job!

Can we just stop and appreciate how Jake Gyllenhaal finally found his way into a Spider-Man movie. He was outstanding as Quentin Beck. Dude’s Mysterios was legitimately sinister. He never came across as unstable just, you know, homicidal and that sh*t was unnerving. In the comics, Beck is kind of a joke. In this movie, he’s a very real threat. A very manufactured threat, but dude has a body count, for sure.

Speaking of Mysterio the character, HOLY SH*T WAS THAT EXECUTION OUTSTANDING! As a life long fan of Spider-Man, i was a little upset that Sony got to keep the A-List villains for themselves but, i’m not going to lie, the MCU is doing a fine job with the scraps. The re imaging of The Vulture in Homecoming and now the way they actualized the utter nonsense that is Mysterio and his “powers”? man, these cats over at Marvel Studios are outright geniuses!

The actually illusion scenes were f*cking amazing. Like, you knew, eventually, Mysterio was going to f*ck with Pete somehow. I mean, he’s Mysterio. He’s gotta. But, my goodness, those two sequences were absolutely breathtaking. Not as epic as that final battle in Endgame but probably as exhilarating as the airport fight in Civil War, no exaggeration. i was enthralled!

The Better

My, God, this film was beautiful! I mean, it takes place all over Europe and those countries have so much history and culture. Everything was just so gorgeous and incredible and rich, even before all the SFX.

The scope of this flick feels massive but it, at the same time, it feels small, almost personal. While this is an “Avengers level threat”, Far From Home is definitely a Spider-Man movie. For Sure.

A lot of that consistency is all thanks to John Watts. His direction and vision has created a rather cohesive narrative that accentuates the strength of these characters while giving enough leeway to create something more. You can tell he is inspired heavily by John Hughes and that fits this version of Spider-Man. Homecoming kind of felt like Ferris Bueller and Far From Home feels more like Sixteen Candles. The influences are there but Watts has done a fantastic job of making these films his own.

The writing in this thing was top notch. The little dialogue ticks and plot development were all pretty legit. This script must have been inspiring to read because what they were able to do with some of the hokiest characters i have ever read, was kind of amazing. It makes sense where the characters were left after Endgame. It makes sense where and how they go forward. It makes sense where everything ends up. Mad surprised that everything as so tightly packed, considering this movie had to follow Endgame.

“Peter-Tingle”

That opening sequence set to “I Will Always Love You.”

The Blip explanation. Apparently cats just anti-bliped exactly where they were. f*cking weird, man.

But dem post credits scenes, tho!

The meaning for the acronym EDITH is the most Tony Stark thing, Tony Stark could do from beyond the grave. It was great!

“Don’t invoke her name!”

The Ned-Betty romance, although tacked on, was still hilarious to see unfold. Ned is ridiculous and Betty is a goddamn cinnamon roll. I’m glad both of them, Jacob Batalon and Angourie Rice

Watching Peter build his suit was incredibly bittersweet. He took to that Stark Tech like a moth to a flame and it was uncanny how accurate he mimicked Tony’s genius. That sh*t hurt the heart, man. I may or may not of had a heart swell and a man tear.

The Good

F*cking Brad, man. Remy Hii did a fantastic job because i hated his ass so much! Bravo, Remmy. Bravo! Kid was more of an antagonist that f*cking Mysterio!

J.B. Smoove was hilarious in this thing. His role was small but it was integral. I enjoyed what little he had to do and kind of found myself wanting more. Hopefully, he makes it back for Spidey 3.

Speaking of tacked on romances, that Happy-May situation was kind of gross. I mean, i’m glad it was a joke and it was a decent vehicle to get Happy involved after Tony disappeared, but really? It seemed lazy and i’m kind of glad it as only a joke.

Tony Revolori was kind of sidelined this go around. He was in the film but wasn’t really given anything to do which sucked. I love his Flash Thompson. Kid has knack for being that clueless douche and it’s awesome. Super curious how he reacts after the events in that post credit scene. What we got felt organic but i just wanted more is all.

A lot of the principal characters from Homecoming were kind of underutilized and sidelined in Far From Home. I mean, that’s fine, the narrative called for that, but it still kind of sucks. I wanted to see more of that Pete-May interaction but it wasn’t in the cards this movie. Still, waht little we did get to see was outstanding.

Mild spoiler, Pete gets hit by a train and literally just walks it off. F*cking does whatever a Spider can, am i right?

The Verdict

Spider-Man: Far From Home is an outstanding film. I loved everything about this flick. It’s a near perfect movie, in my humble opinion, and a must see. This is one of the most deftly acted, ably directed, absolutely beautiful films i have seen all year. It is easily the best bookend to what turned out to be an absolutely brilliant Phase three celebration. Far From Home is a distinct end to something, definitely a punctuation, but it’s also a grand beginning to something more. If you’re a Spider-Man fan, see this sh*t repeatedly. If you’re an MCU fan, see this sh*t to keep up. If you’re just a fan of movies, see this sh*t, immediately! It’s well worth the good seats so, if you can, check it out in that XD 3D. If you can’t just check it out. This movie was f*cking awesome!

#Spider-Man: Far From Home #Spider-Man #Peter Parker #Marvel #MCU

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minaminokyoko · 5 years

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Venom: A Spoilertastic Review (that is mostly just a rant)

When the end credits to the Venom movie started, just as Eminem began his embarrassingly uninspired rapping, I turned my head to one of my two friends and asked her, "What the hell did I just put into my eyeballs?"

To be frank, Venom is one of the most peculiar, bizarre, baffling films I've seen in years.

I want to preface this review by saying I was against this idea when it was announced. I thought it was beyond idiotic to make a film about a supervillain whose entire creation hinges on a certain Webhead, and since Sony lent him out to Marvel Studios (the only smart fucking decision they've made in probably over a decade, imo), they went off half-cocked with the hair-brained idea that they could create an anti-hero solo flick for Venom instead. To some degree, sure, they were warranted because the general audience these days has low fucking standards and if you put the words "comic book movie" in front of them, they're usually going to lap it up no matter how terrible it is. After all, fandom doesn't care about things being accurate anymore, by this point, if you dangle fresh meat like Tom Hardy riding a motorcycle in front of them. As long as there's an attractive person at the helm, fandom will just adopt it as canon and ignore any red flags, as they have already done. That being said, I still think this is one of the most blatantly stupid things done for money and for notoriety from any studio toting around a popular comic book character.

Is Venom as bad as legendary awful comic book movies like Catwoman, The Spirit, Batman & Robin, Daredevil, Green Lantern, or Spawn?

Well, no.

And that's almost the only positive thing I can report about it, personally.

In short, Venom is inept. That's the word I'd choose, aside from bizarre. It has no fucking clue what it's doing at any given time, from start to finish. It's too wacky to be serious, too serious to be a parody or satire, too mature for kids, too childish for adults, too mainstream for nerds, and too nerdy for mainstream. It's just a piping hot fucking mess.

So let's dive into why. Spoiler alert.

Overall Rating: D

Pros:

-Note: I am being very fucking generous by giving this movie points for anything at all, just so y'all know.

-It's not boring. Other comic book movies that have failed, whether it's the really bad kind or just the mediocre kind, have failed worse than this movie simply because at least there aren't any dead periods. Venom doesn't have awful pacing, even with its sloppy, uneven story. It moves along at a steady rate and you can never accuse it of being a borefest like Superman Returns or something. Even though most of it is incomprehensible from a story standpoint, it keeps your attention throughout.

-The doctor boyfriend surprisingly averted the usual stereotype/archetype for this kind of story. For example, in the first Ant Man, the cop boyfriend who is with Scott's baby mama is a smug, overprotective dickhead who later gets better. Most of the time when a main couple breaks up, the girl picks some douchebag who is either so much better than her former lover that it just feels insulting or it's just a one-dimensional asshole for us to hate so we want the two of them to get back together. Hell, doctor boyfriend was actually TOO nice and understanding and helpful. There is no way in hell I'd have stuck it out after seeing Eddie bite the head off a goddamn lobster. I'd have sent his ass to a mental hospital immediately, fuck the regular hospital. That being said, I like the movie averting the trope. It was a welcome change and was awfully refreshing too.

-Even though this is one of his strangest fucking performances to date, Tom Hardy is doing what he always does and gives 110% to a film that really doesn't even deserve him. I've already been hearing rumors that he's not pleased with the final product and that doesn't surprise me, but he does what he can with that awful script and I appreciate the effort. In fact, the only reason I sat through this turd is for Tom Hardy. He is a dedicated, talented actor and even when he's in tripe, he's still busting his beautiful ass to make the best of it anyway. I like him a lot and I'd go to bat for him any day, which is the only reason I coughed up the money for Venom when I knew damn well it'd be a trainwreck.

-The effects are at least decent. Not always. But Venom and the symbiotes actually feel as if they're really there and it's not just the actors staring at a ball on a stick. I appreciate it, since Sony goes in and out of quality regarding CGI.

-Despite the fucking travesty of a fake clown wig on his head, Woody Harrelson is an excellent choice for Cletus Kasady. Everyone knows that. I just hope they get him a better hairpiece next time, sheesh.

Cons:

-Jesus fucking Christ, where do I fucking start?

-Plotholes. This movie doesn't have plotholes--it has plot canyons. It's plothole Inception, for God's sake, with holes inside of fucking holes. It's so clear that the movie doesn't give a rat's ass about anything because there are some of the most ridiculous moments you're expected to swallow with the power of Willing Suspension of Disbelief. It's why it took me a whole two days to try and write a review/analysis of the film. There is so much wrong with it that I frankly wasn't sure where to start and how to process it all. The best I can try to do considering the overwhelming number of holes in the story is go chronologically. First off, Eddie stealing Blondie's confidential documents (Note: Michelle Williams' character was so bland and unimportant I can't remember her name and I don't care to look it up because we all know she doesn't matter, so she is now Blondie) but then not doing his actual job as a journalist when making wild accusations is the first monumentally dumb thing in the film. Why the hell did he go through the trouble of breaching her personal security and trust if all he was going to do was rant about it to the Bad Guy without proof? What did he think it would accomplish? Why would you just confront the guy instead of looking for more proof? Plus, you stole that information, which means it's inadmissable in court since it was obtained illegally, so you still wouldn't have a case anyhow. Any writer with half a brain cell would simply have it so that Eddie read the document, became curious, and started snooping around Life Foundation himself looking for hard evidence that would stand up in court to get justice for the victims. The way they did it in the film makes no sense, but it's because they wanted to bust up the couple and make Eddie a "loser" to kickstart the rest of the film. Then, the girl who tattled on the Life Foundation 100% did not need Eddie Brock to do that. She had full access to the lab and the trust of her superior. All she had to do was document everything herself, send it to Eddie to pass along to his boss, and then skip town with her fucking kids to avoid being murdered. Hell, she could have given it to the authorities anonymously. Third, why after everything went tits up in the lab did she fucking return to the lab as if they wouldn't immediately know it was her? She was seen outside the lab seconds before Eddie set off the alarms and her palm print is recorded having opened the door to the lab. Why the fuck did she go back after she let Eddie in there with no way to cover her tracks? And then she actually told on herself and Eddie, which led to her death. I can't comprehend that level of stupidity at all. It's staggering. Because I'm trying not to turn this into a seven-page single spaced review, I'm just going to stop here and not try to point out all the other plotholes in detail, like the fact that the cops only get involved one time and are never seen again despite the fact that they'd be all over the explosions and missing people associated with the Life Foundation or Eddie's phone working perfectly after he swam under the fucking bridge or Eddie leaving his phone for his boss instead of just sending him the goddamn pictures or the symbiote magically knowing where Eddie was after they took him from the hospital. We'll be here all day if I keep going. I'll just reblog CinemaSins' eventual video of this movie and feel satisfied that way.

-The movie makes zero attempts at explaining anything about the symbiotes except for "they're vulnerable to fire and sound frequencies, need a host to survive, and eat brains." What is even stranger about the lack of explanation is that this isn't a long film. They could have easily added about ten minutes into the story to give us an overview of where they came from, what their world was like, how they found human contact, and why they were on that comet. All we can do is infer things, which pisses me off because this is YOUR story and YOUR new continuity that you just fucking made up on the fly, so I don't know the rules here and it's shitty of you to just gloss over it all. Why is it called Venom? Is that a translation from whatever the hell the symbiote was called on its own planet? Did it hear that somewhere and decide it liked the word? Why? Why does it get touchy if you call it a parasite when that is literally what it is? Is it like Ratigan from The Great Mouse Detective and it's just in denial? We have to guess that it knows whatever Eddie knows, but why does it have any conceptual knowledge of romance and relationships when it attempts to get Eddie to apologize to Blondie or when it says it "likes" her? Or that Eddie "changed its mind" at the end? And how can a symbiote even be a loser? That concept is almost universally human and it's a giant sentient piece of fucking tar? How can it possibly be a loser on its own planet? There is just no damn context for majority of the shit surrounding the symbiotes in the movie and it's all the more frustrating since we spend a great deal of time in the lab with them during the movie and yet we learn almost nothing.

-Eddie and the symbiote don't actually form a proper bond or partnership. This is one of the things that's irritating me about people who seem to have taken to the movie. I was told multiple times by people that the movie is stupid, but the repartee between Eddie and Venom is enjoyable. Not really, no. Are there quips? Yes, there are quips. But quips do not inherently create a bond. Anyone can bounce dialogue off each other. If said dialogue does not change the characters, then it's just lip service. Sadly, though, a lot of people don't notice that absolutely nothing between Eddie and Venom lines up. Venom helps Eddie survive the attacks, but is killing him in the process. It's self-interest alone. The truly confounding part is when they get Venom off of Eddie and find out Venom has basically been consuming Eddie's organs to stay alive inside him, Eddie acts betrayed and storms off, but then when Venom returns wearing Blondie as his guise, he just accepts it and they go off to the badly filmed climax. What the hell changed in between those scenes? Nothing. Eddie still runs the risk of dying being piloted by the symbiote, and while Eddie has motivation to stop Bad Guy (again, another character that is so thin I can't be bothered to learn his name) from bringing the symbiotes to earth, Venom is given zero reason to want that at all. As mentioned above, there's no backstory. Is Venom concerned his race will consume the earth? If so, who cares? There's seven billion people and Venom has already found Eddie, who is a suitable match for him to survive, so why does he care at all? Eddie would survive an invasion anyhow. It makes no damn sense. Films that have dealt with symbiotic relationships always establish a common ground at some point but Venom doesn't for some inexplicable reason. I'm incredibly frustrated that everyone's just going "tee hee, look, they're best friends now, it's cute" when in fact Eddie is just running around committing murder randomly without ever really contemplating how serious it is, even though he claims to only be eating bad people.

-Nitpick: Fridging two different female characters, the homeless lady and the Life Foundation tattletale, rubbed me entirely the wrong way. Both of them were in Eddie's vicinity, both die, and both are never brought up again or shown to have impacted Eddie's motivation or life. They are simply used and discarded, which is another thing that makes this movie feel so hollow.

-The tone is all over the fucking place. It can be argued that Venom never went full serious and is always sort of tongue-in-cheek, but there's just this ridiculous whiplash feeling when you watch it spike from an action scene to "wacky" Brock antics to Venom quips. Eddie's personality even before the symbiote is just confusing as hell. It's like stuffing a bunch of random character traits into one man and all of them are fighting to get out at once like the characters from Split. The most consistent thing is he's sarcastic, but even then his moods range far too widely to get a bead on him. He can be dry one minute and then frantic and excitable the next, and that's before the symbiote. After the symbiote, it's like they gave Tom Hardy cocaine and steroids. The man's acting is simply all over the damn place. He accepts near-impossible things sometimes with a shrug and other times he freaks out. The movie just doesn't know what the hell it's attempting to accomplish, and that's why mood and tone are important to set from the get-go with a film. It just slingshots between a faux-horror film and a snippy action flick over and over again until your head feels pulverized.

-The final action sequences is one of the dumbest, messiest things since Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It's an ugly, dark, jumbled up mess. It's so indistinguishable that Godzilla (2014) can take potshots at it. Why in perfect blue hell did they choose two symbiotes with such similar appearances to showdown with each other on top of a rocket at night? It's so hard to see what the two of them are doing, who is winning or losing, or what kind of movement is happening at all. We also are never given the full range of their abilities, so the only real stake is when they pull off their hosts and their bodies are vulnerable, but even then it appears that Venom can raise Eddie from the dead seconds later anyhow. I'm stunned the movie couldn't even do a fake out death properly, which is so fucking easy that even Disney can do it. Eddie dies and is revived in less than fifteen goddamn seconds. The camera doesn't even linger on his body to sell the emotion (not that we'd ever have one, he is just barely a character anyway) before it just takes it right the hell back. That's filmmaking 101, for God's sake, and the movie blows it too.

-The last scene in the movie. In its entirety. I haven't been that exasperated since I stupidly forced myself to watch Pacific Rim: Uprising. There are so many things wrong with it that it's hard to know how to tackle it. I don't care that Eddie stopped that guy from extorting the shop owner--he openly turned into a 10 foot tall alien and ate a guy in front of her, and the movie just laughs and shrugs like it's just totally fine, like that woman isn't about to lose her shit, call the cops, or fuck, the NSA/FBI/CIA/Avengers on Eddie for making her a witness to murder, and endangering pretty much anyone around them. To say nothing of the fact that there is no reason a 10 foot tall alien with a million sharp teeth needs to say a single word to threaten someone. You are the threat, buddy. Your existence is the threat. Why did you need to insist on threatening to bite things off? You're terrifying and nothing you say is going to somehow make you scarier, especially when you just ate the guy anyway. It's like they just made that scene for the final trailer, much like that "I thought she was with you" comment all the way back in Batman v. Superman despite in-canon it made no sense. It's so unnecessary. And don't get me started on the fact that the crook actually asked the giant alien who it is. Fuck you. That was a lazy, transparent attempt to spoonfeed the wretched cliche that Michael Keaton's Batman made famous. (Consequently, all movies ever, please stop doing this cliche. Stop it. Just find another way to announce yourself. It's really tired, y'all, let it go already.) No human would ever look at that thing and ask it who the fuck it is. He'd piss himself and die of fright. Period. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Piss. Die. Period.

-Nitpick: Why was there that weird Godzilla (2014) trailer noise every time Venom attacked someone? Did they just steal it from public domain? They used it almost like the Inception horn cliche that Hollywood was obsessed with for a while and it took me right out of the scene every damn time.

-Nitpick: They really thought we're so stupid that we needed Kasady to actually say his character's name out loud. Look, you fuckers, you know goddamn well that end credits scenes are extras and that people can go home and Google things instead of you literally spelling it out for us. Hell, you know that not that many Average Joes and mainstream people went to this movie anyway since Venom is a second-stringer villain and your main demographic is die-hard Eddie Brock fans anyway. So having Kasady say the damn name “Carnage” in the post credits scene really was the final fart in my general direction. Give us some fucking credit, man. Venom has barely five plotlines to his whole character anyway. Of course we knew you were going to drop Carnage for the Sequel Hook, you condescending twat of a film.

Look, I get it. I'm hypercritical because I write fiction for a living. There are plenty of movies where turning your brain off is required in order to enjoy it, but I think this movie is asking me to get an entire lobotomy to be able to swallow the big-ass pill it's offering. It's just so sloppy and uncaring and yet it's holding its grubby little hands out for your money and your love and I think it's undeserving of it on every last level. It has zero comprehension of what it's trying to accomplish since it's a money grab, and its artistic choices are nothing short of bonkers. It's so strange that it even veers outside of the So Bad It's Good category for me. I can't in good confidence recommend it to anyone even though it's almost like a study in what not to do in both comic book movies and movies in general. It's weird in a distasteful way rather than in a charming way for me, honestly. I know people have rallied around it for being different and out there, but I don't think different and good are the same thing in Venom's case.

#Venom #Venom 2018 #Eddie Brock #film review #movie review #film rant #rant #movie rant #spoilers #spoiler alert #don't @ me #i don't care #anti Venom

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smokeybrand · 5 years

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Smokey brand Movie Review: Summer Love and Peter Tingles

The Great

The Better

“Peter-Tingle”

That opening sequence set to “I Will Always Love You.”

The Blip explanation. Apparently cats just anti-bliped exactly where they were. f*cking weird, man.

But dem post credits scenes, tho!

The meaning for the acronym EDITH is the most Tony Stark thing, Tony Stark could do from beyond the grave. It was great!

“Don’t invoke her name!”

The Ned-Betty romance, although tacked on, was still hilarious to see unfold. Ned is ridiculous and Betty is a goddamn cinnamon roll. I’m glad both of them, Jacob Batalon and Angourie Rice

The Good

F*cking Brad, man. Remy Hii did a fantastic job because i hated his ass so much! Bravo, Remmy. Bravo! Kid was more of an antagonist that f*cking Mysterio!

J.B. Smoove was hilarious in this thing. His role was small but it was integral. I enjoyed what little he had to do and kind of found myself wanting more. Hopefully, he makes it back for Spidey 3.

Mild spoiler, Pete gets hit by a train and literally just walks it off. F*cking does whatever a Spider can, am i right?

The Verdict

Spider-Man: Far From Home is an outstanding film. I loved everything about this flick. It’s a near perfect movie, in my humble opinion, and a must see. This is one of the most deftly acted, ably directed, absolutely beautiful films i have seen all year. It is easily the best bookend to what turned out to be an absolutely brilliant Phase three celebration. Far From Home is a distinct end to something, definitely a punctuation, but it’s also a grand beginning to something more. If you’re a Spider-Man fan, see this sh*t repeatedly. If you’re an MCU fan, see this sh*t to keep up. If you’re just a fan of movies, see this sh*t, immediately! It’s well worth the good seats so, if you can, check it out in that XD 3D. If you can’t, just check it out. This movie was f*cking awesome!

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jd-rush · 7 years

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Close Encounters

TITLE: Close Encounters AUTHOR: J.D. Rush FANDOM: Marvel: Guardians of the Galaxy; Iron Man PAIRING: Tony Stark/Peter Quill RATING: NC-17 for M/M sexy times and language. SUMMARY: Hours after meeting the Guardians, Tony makes good on his promise to Quill. Sequel to “Units from Heaven”, which can be found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11102664 WARNINGS: Spoilers for “Guardians of the Galaxy 2”. Also, not exactly Team Cap friendly. Just a head’s up. DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Disney, Marvel, Sony, and anyone else who can sue me. I’m just taking them out for a spin. I own nothing. AUTHOR’S NOTE: Thank you to everyone who read my previous story and left such lovely feedback. This probably isn’t the sequel you were expecting--it’s just a little ‘space boyfriends’ thing to set up the next story. The Guardians will return. I promise. AUTHOR’S NOTE 2: No betas were harmed in the making of this story. All mistakes are mine.

Tony had to admit that as far as alien invasions went, this one was a lot more fun than his first go round.

“Fuck yeah, that’s it,” he groaned, tossing his head back as he impaled himself once more upon Quill’s cock, going where no Stark had gone before.

“Fucking perfect,” Quill echoed, bucking up hard, driving in a bit deeper. “Just like that.”

“So good,” Tony moaned, clutching at the headboard with both hands to anchor himself as he bounced up and down enthusiastically, undulating his hips, matching the low throbbing bass of the AC/DC song pulsing through the room and the couple writhing on the bed. “Jesus, fuck!”

“Aw, yeah, keep doing that,” Quill commanded. “Don’t fucking stop.”

Tony chuckled breathlessly. “Not. . .planning. . .to. . .” he grunted, grinding his ass into Quill’s lap, wondering if all spacemen were as gifted as Star-Lord.

Quill gripped Tony’s hips, strong fingers digging in, guiding his movements, quickening the pace. “Just. . .a. . .bit. . .more. . .”

“So fucking. . .go-o-o-o-d. . .” Tony could barely get the words out. He was close, so goddamn close! Bracing himself with his left hand, he wrapped his right around his cock and stroked himself vigorously, gasping with every slick slide.

Quill moaned at the sight. “Yeah, like that,” he urged, even as he pumped into Tony, faster and faster. “So fucking hot. Do it, Stark. Do it!”

“Oh, oh. . .god. . .oh. . .fuck. . .!” Tony’s climax hit him hard and fast, Quill’s just a few seconds behind. With no strength left, Tony fell forward, crushing Quill into the mattress, both men breathing heavy, sweat clinging to their bodies. Unnoticed by either of them, the lights dimmed and the music lowered in volume, shifting to some soft, mellow piano jazz.

FRIDAY knew what her boss liked.

As Tony laid pressed to Quill’s warm skin, waiting for his racing heart to slow down, he thought back over the past few hours since the Guardians’ unexpected arrival at the Avengers’ Compound. Rhodey’s reaction to meeting their long-distance space visitors had surpassed even his high expectations. (“Oh, honey bear! You should see your face! Priceless! FRIDAY, get a shot of it! That’s gonna be my Christmas card for the next decade, I swear!”) After a quick round of introductions, he left the still stunned man to sort out the dinner order with the Shawarma Palace (“Just have them send one of everything on the menu. Actually, make it a double”) while he took his guests on a tour of their new home.

Along the way, they met up with Vision, who was watching a cooking show in the large common room. After another quick round of introductions, during which he regarded the motley crew with a mixture of curiosity and quiet scrutiny, he bowed his head cordially towards them and stating softly but resolutely, “I sense no malevolence in these individuals,” causing Tony smile in relief. He had a good feeling about the Guardians, but it was nice to get confirmation, especially since his track record was rather shaky when it came to judging people.

Not that he was still bitter about what went down in Siberia. Well, not much at any rate.

Tony’s tour of the Compound showed off all its highlights and amenities, ending with a visit to R & D, where they encountered Bruce Banner. (“My science bro!” he proudly proclaimed, planting a big, fat kiss to Bruce’s bright red cheek) After yet another quick round of introductions, Tony gave the group a run-down of the lab’s features. Rocket’s interest in all his high-tech equipment and projects pleased him immensely, and he freely extended an offer of full access to the lab (“supervised, of course”) for anything that might be needed in their fight against Thanos. Quill once again warned against that idea but Tony just waved him off. (“No worries. It's fine. How much trouble can he get into anyway?”)

None of the Guardians answered that.

The food, once it arrived, was a hit, as Tony knew it would be. Bruce and Rhodey joined them because, hey, who doesn’t like shawarma, right? Conversation was kept light and fun with everyone trying to come up with the most entertaining story to tell (“I am Groot.” “Yeah, I would have kicked you in the knothole for that, too!”) Mantis’s excitement at trying a new, exotic dish was charming and contagious, and if Drax looked upon her rather dotingly, no one mentioned it.

Once dinner was done, Tony powered up the entertainment center. Everyone enjoyed ‘The Lord of the Rings’ and ‘The Two Towers’, which of course they HAD to watch because Tony had forgotten there weren't any Ents in the first movie. (“Twenty fucking hours of film--how am I supposed to remember all the details?”) Groot kept jabbering about Treebeard to Dum-E and U, who were whirling around the room, excited to have a new friend. Bruce and Gamora seemed to hit it off, though it was hard to tell as Banner mostly just stammered and fidgeted--even more so than usual-- while Gamora watched him with curious eyes and a little Mona Lisa smile. Still, she hadn’t threatened to pull his spleen out and make him eat it, so he was definitely one up on Tony in that department.

By that point in the evening, things started winding down. The Guardians had traveled a long way and were tired, so Tony promised they’d watch ‘Return of the King’ the next night, showed everyone to their rooms, then grabbed Quill and dragged him to the master bedroom.

All in all, one of the most entertaining nights Tony could remember having in a long time.

“Well, that was nice,” Quill panted out once he had regained the ability to speak a few minutes later.

“Nice?” Tony repeated, incredulously. “NICE?!? I just rode you for 30 minutes like the winning jockey in the Kentucky Derby and all I get nice?”

Quill gave him an amused grin. “Very nice?” he teased.

“That's it,” Tony grumbled good-naturedly, as he rolled off Quill and flopped onto the mattress beside him. Oh, he was gonna be feeling that tomorrow morning. So worth it. “Next time, YOU do all the work and I’ll just kick back and enjoy it.”

“So there's going to be a next time?” Quill asked as he removed his condom and tossed it off to the side, hoping it hit a trashcan, but not really caring if it didn’t.

“Well, yeah, if you want,” Tony replied, grabbing his discarded tank top and clumsily wiping down himself and Quill before dropping it on the floor beside the bed. “I mean, I thought that was a given. Mi bed et su bed, or whatever that saying is. Open invitation, as long as you guys hang around. Then again, if it was only nice. . .”

“VERY nice,” Quill corrected with a quick kiss to Tony’s left shoulder. “You put Captain Kirk to shame. But, um. . .I’ve kinda got a confession to make.”

Tony whipped his head around to face Quill, panic in his eyes. “Please don’t tell me you’re one of those male aliens that can get pregnant?”

“What?!” Quill might have squeaked. “No. NO!”

“Thank Christ,” Tony sighed in relief. “That almost took ten years off my life.”

“Besides, you were the catcher. Shouldn’t YOU be the one worried about getting knocked up?” Quill joked.

Tony glared at his bedmate. “Not funny, Quill. I’ve read that fanfiction.”

“The what?”

“Nevermind.” Tony reached down and haphazardly pulled the bedding up over the two of them. “So what’s this big confession of yours?”

“It‘s just, well, I’m not really an alien. I mean, I’m half-alien. I think. Or I was.” Quill ran his hand nervously through his hair and huffed an awkward laugh. “I’m honestly not sure anymore.”

“That sounds complicated. And intriguing.” Tony turned onto his side, head propped on his hand. “Do tell.”

Quill stretched out on his side, mirroring Tony’s position, before explaining, “I’m originally from Missouri.”

Okay. That was unexpected. “You mean the Missouri here on earth?”

“You know of another Missouri?”

“Well, no, but who knows, right? Big cosmos, lots of planets. . .”

“Never thought of it that way. But no, I’m talking about plain old earth Missouri. St. Charles, to be exact. I lived there with my mom when I was a kid.”

“And your dad?”

Quill shrugged. “He wasn’t around. Didn’t even know who he was. Mom used to tell me that he was from the stars. I thought she was simply being romantic about a one-night stand or something.”

“But she was telling the truth?” Tony guessed.

“Yeah. We--the Guardians and me-- met up with him a few years ago and he was, um . . .” Quill flashed a sheepish grin. “Okay, don’t laugh but he turned out to be a celestial.”

“Why would I laugh at that?” Tony asked, seriously.

Quill gave him a look. “I just told you my father was a deity from outer space. You don’t think that’s weird?”

“I might, if I didn’t have the Asgardian god of thunder on the payroll. Hey, maybe they know each other. You should totally invite him to visit the next time Thor’s in town. THAT’S a guy who knows how to party, let me tell you. He bought this special home-brewed grog or something with him one time? I woke up in Vegas wearing a feather and sequined showgirl outfit, I kid you not.”

“Sorry I missed it.”

“Rhodey’s got pictures. He claims he doesn’t but I know him too well. I mean, if HE had been the one in that outfit you can bet your sweet ass I’d have pictures of it. Wow, I just had a great idea. Okay, all my ideas are great but. . .I should call Jane Foster. I’m sure she has a way to contact Thor, a raven or something, and we can get him down for the weekend, give you guys a grand ‘Welcome to Earth’ party. How long would it take pops to get here?”

“We aren’t really in touch anymore,” Quill said with a grimace. “He turned out to be kind of a . . .what did you say earlier? A twatwaffle?”

Tony scoffed. “I hear ya‘. Dads, huh?”

“You, too?”

“Oh, yeah. King of the Twatwaffles.”

Quill chuckled at that. “Tell me about it. I was much better off thinking David Hasselhoff was my father.” At Tony’s raised eyebrow, he explained, “When I was little, I used to pretend that . . .”

But Tony cut him off, “No, I’m with you. I wanted my dad to be The Fonz. Just a laidback gear-head with a black leather jacket, a cool motorcycle and a fuck-you attitude. Well, I guess Howard got the ‘fuck-you’ attitude right, but he was a total dick about it.”

“You know, I never thought anyone could be 100 percent a dick until I met Ego.”

“Ego?”

“That was my dad’s name.”

“Seriously?!” Tony sniggered. “Talk about a big flashing neon sign. Damn, not even Howard was that dickish, though not for lack of trying.”

“I heard Howard Stark was a great man.”

“Didn’t make him a great dad.”

“His son didn’t turn out half bad.”

Tony gave a self-depreciating snort. “Yeah, that’s just because you don’t know me.”

“I think I do,” Quill replied softly with a small, sad smile, and the sympathetic expression on his handsome face left Tony feeling oddly exposed.

Trying to get off this suddenly serious--and frankly, uncomfortable--topic, Tony did what he did best and used humour to change the subject. “So, am I going to find out how a hot, possibly half-alien guy from The Show Me State ended up guarding the galaxy?” he teased.

Quill hesitated for a moment and Tony thought he‘d refuse, but eventually he said, “It’s kind of a long story.”

“We’ve got all night,” Tony replied, as he ran his hand down Quill’s left arm and stroking along his muscular chest. “Plus I’m gonna need some time to recover before our next round.”

Quill smirked. “Ambitious.”

“Well, I’m hoping to improve from nice. I have a reputation, you know.”

“Very nice,” Quill reminded him, clasping Tony’s roaming hand and brushing a kiss across the knuckles, causing Tony to smile.

“You keep that up, and I’ll just want the Cliff Notes version,” Tony warned with a playful glint in his eye.

Quill kissed the pulse-point of Tony’s wrist. “I can do that.”

Tony gave a low impressed whistle. “Oh, you’re good. I mean, I thought I was good, but you? I could learn some tricks from you.”

Inching closer, Quill murmured, “My pleasure. . .and yours.

“Fuck me twice.”

Closer. “If you insist.”

They were so close now Quill could feel Tony’s breath against his lips. He leaned in for their first proper kiss, only to be stopped by Tony‘s finger pressed to his mouth and a whispered, “Story first.”

Quill pulled away with a rueful grin and a half-shrug. “You drive a hard bargain, Stark.”

“If you think I’m bad, don’t ever try to negotiate with Strange. Trust me. So. . .?”

Quill settled back on his side of the bed, still holding Tony‘s hand. “So, when I was about eight years old,” he kissed Tony’s palm. “Shortly after my mom died,” a kiss to Tony’s wrist. “I was abducted,” lips skimmed Tony’s thumb. “By a group of space pirates called the Ravagers,” and a final kiss to the back of Tony’s hand before Quill released it.

He recited it matter-of-factly, and didn’t seem overly upset by his revelation, but Tony certainly was. “Jesus. Why?”

“Dad hired some them to find me and bring me to him, but when they figured out what an asshole he was, they kept me instead. It was actually kind of them, I suppose, though I didn’t know that at the time. I thought they just wanted me around because I could crawl into small spaces to steal things.”

Tony frowned. “That’s. . .” There were so many things he wanted to say after the word, but all of them involved a serious amount of f-bombs and vows to hunt down every last Ravager in this universe and make them pay for doing such a thing.

His expression must have spoken volumes because Quill quickly jumped in. “Hey, it‘s okay. Happened ages ago. And really, it wasn’t so bad. They taught me a trade, right? And I got to travel around the galaxy. And their leader, Yondu,” Quill’s voice cracked on the name. He glanced away from Tony for a moment and took a deep breath before he continued. “Anyway, so I traveled with them for about 20 years, seeing the stars, perfecting my stealthy skills, making a name for myself. Then, a few years ago, I struck out on my own-- doing odd jobs, whatever paid the most, and that’s how I ended up meeting the other Guardians. After I stole the Power Gem. . .”

Tony wanted to go back and find out why Quill suddenly looked so sad when he said ‘Yondu’, but sensed it was a probably a sensitive matter that should wait for another time. Instead, he exclaimed, “Wait a minute. You STOLE the Power Gem?!”

“Well, I didn’t know what it was at the time,” Quill shot back, defensively. “Like I said, I was a thief for hire. It was a job, that’s all. I did it for the money. And just so you know, I don’t do that anymore. I’m totally reformed.”

“I sure as hell hope not. I like bad boys.”

And just like that, Quill’s impish smirk was back. “Score one for me. So, yeah, before I could fence the gem, Gamora tried to steal it from me. Then Rocket and Groot got involved because they were trying to capture me for a bounty that was on my head. And so we all ended up getting into a big public fight on Xandar, which resulted in us getting arrested and thrown into prison. And that’s where Drax tried to kill Gamora but he helped Rocket to break us all out so we took him along and we’ve been together ever since. Just one big happy dysfunctional family.”

“And Mantis?” Tony asked, curiously.

“Dad was keeping her as a pet on his planet, so we rescued her. Did I mention he was a twatwaffle?”

“Yeah, you did, and I’m starting to think he’s actually got Howard beat in that department, which I didn’t think was possible.”

“And so, that‘s my story.” Quill chuckled uneasily. “That must all sound pretty crazy to you, huh?”

“Crazy?” Tony laughed. “You want crazy? Let’s see. . .” He started counting off on his fingers. “Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and can now climb walls using just his fingertips. Bruce overdosed on gamma radiation during an experiment that went spectacularly wrong and turns into the Unjolly Green Giant when he stubs his big toe. Our two super soldiers, Bucky and Cap, are nearly 100 years old, although admittedly they spent most of that time as Swanson’s frozen meatloaf dinners. Oh, and there’s a talking tree and a homicidal Davy Crockett hat sleeping one floor below us.” He gave Quill a pitying look. “I hate to break it to you, Star-Lord, but you barely register on the crazy scale.”

“Well, that’s a first. And what puts you on the crazy scale, Tony?”

“Besides the fact I just had a very dirty close encounter of the third kind?”

Quill’s face split into a big smile that showed off his dimples, and Tony had to physically restrain himself from leaning over and licking them. “Great movie, but I’m not an alien, remember?”

“Yeah, but you’re half-alien. That totally counts. And I’ve never been plowed by a guy from Missouri before, so I can check that off my bucket list.”

“And, of course, there’s always Gamora, if you’re still interested in the full-on Captain Kirk experience,” Quill pointed out.

“She’s definitely a looker, but I think I’ve got my hands filled with Captain Hottie,” Tony joked, tapping a finger against Quill’s chest. “Besides, I don’t poach another guy’s girl. Okay, I do. Sometimes. But not a friend’s girl. Well, not in a long time anyway.”

“Wait, you think me and Gamora?” Quill gaped. “Oh, God, no! Are you kidding? I’m too attached to Little Star-Lord, thank you very much.

“I can see why, but I was talking about Banner.”

Quill shook his head in confusion. “I don’t get it.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “You didn’t see the way he was looking at her?”

“Well, yeah, like you said she’s stupid hot. Anybody with a pulse would notice her, but . . .no, hold on . . .” Quill trailed off, and looked at Tony who was nodding his head and smirking. “Really?”

“Yup.”

“No way.”

Tony’s smirk grew. “Oh, yeah.”

“You mean tonight, during the movie. . .was he FLIRTING with her?”

“Uh-huh.”

Quill suddenly burst out laughing. “But that was so. . . so. . .”

“Painful? Sad? Pathetic? Hilarious? All the above?” Tony filled in cheerfully. “Yeah, our Doctor Banner is a lot of things. Mr. Smooth isn't one of them.”

“Does he have any idea who she is?”

“Not to worry. He can take care of himself. Big green rage monster, remember? Plus I have a hunch deadly female assassins are kinda his type.” Tony rolled onto his back with a snort of amusement. “Oh man, I just had a thought. Gamora and Black Widow in the same room.”

“Is that gonna be a problem?”

“Let’s just say that maybe you better keep a close eye on Little Star-Lord.”

“I’d rather keep an eye on yours,” Quill leered, running his gaze up and down Tony’s toned body, barely covered by the crumpled sheets.

“Pervert. I like that in a person.”

“Perverted bad boys. I’m two for two.” Quill reached over, trailing his fingers lightly down Tony’s neck and along his collarbone. Tony watched as his gaze was drawn to the ugly circular scar where the arc reactor once resided, and waited anxiously for the inevitable questions, but was surprised when Quill instead inquired, “So this Black Widow is out with the rest of the Avengers?”

“Yeah, they‘ve been over in Latvia fighting Doctor Doom. Real piece of work. Gets a bug up his ass every couple of years, tries to take over the world with his,” Tony made air quotes, “ ‘doom bots‘. Fucking original, that guy. The Fantastic Four usually take care of him but since they’re away investigating an incident in the Negative Zone, we got the call instead. You'll meet them when they get back, I guess.”

“You don't sound excited about that,” Quill observed.

“No, no,” Tony replied quickly--too quickly. “It’ll be great to have the whole band back together again.”

“Well, THAT sounded convincing,” Quill said, sarcastically. “What’s going on?”

Oh, he really didn’t want to get into all this. He was having such a great night--the last thing he wanted was to think about Rogers and Nat and Clint and the rest of Team Backstabbers. . .ahh, Team Cap. “It’s nothing. Just. . .we had a bit of a disagreement a while back and things are still a little tense. Does three years count as ‘a while back’?”

“More than. Must’ve been a helluva disagreement.”

Oh, no, he really, REALLY didn’t want to get into all this. Not now. Not tonight. Just. . . no. “Difference of opinion, that’s all,” Tony replied, waving his hand around dismissively. “Ancient history now. All water over the bridge and under the dam.”

“I think you have that backwards.”

“I do?” Tony tried to look innocent; he failed miserably.

Quill gave him a shrewd look. “And I don’t suppose that this ‘difference of opinion’ has anything to do with why you stayed behind to help that Parker kid with a science project?”

“Wow, beauty AND brains. I think I’m in trouble.” As if on cue, FRIDAY announced, ‘Intruder alert!’ and a loud electric crack was heard, followed by a string of very creative --and rather impressive--cursing. Tony grinned maniacally. “And it sounds like I’m not the only one.”

Quill had jumped at all the sudden commotion. “What the hell was that?” he cried out.

“That, I believe, was Rocket trying to break into my lab. I warned him not to mess around with it. Those locks would put Fort Knox to shame, and FRIDAY is a very vigilant, and efficient, security guard.”

Quill glared at his bedmate. “Tony Stark, you just kill my co-pilot?”

“No. But I bet his tail is a bit singed.”

“Are you nuts!?”

“Seven years later, jury’s still out on that one.”

“That’s only going to encourage him to try again, you know.”

“I hope so. I need someone besides Parker and Bruce to keep me on my engineering toes. Can‘t let that asshat, Justin Hammer, get the jump on me.”

Quill just shook his head and sighed dramatically. “I don’t even want to imagine the mischief you idiots are going to get into.”

“Probably for the best.”

“This must be how Gamora feels all the time.”

“I guess we know who wears the pants on that spaceship.”

“You have no idea, which is too bad, because she looks amazing in a mini-skirt.” Quill gave Tony a panicked look. “Don’t tell her I said that. I like my spleen just where it is.”

“You’re secret is safe with me,” Tony promised. “You know, for a group of outlaws who met up in prison, you’ve got a pretty awesome team.”

Quill chuckled at that. “Yeah, I do, but trust me, it’s not all smooth sailing. We have our ups and downs, and we drive each other crazy sometimes, but that’s what family does, right? None of us are perfect, and we accept that. At the end of the day, there’s no one else I’d rather have at my back than those guys. I trust every one of them with my life.”

“That must be nice.” No, he absolutely was not still bitter about what went down in Siberia. Well, not much at any rate.

“Don’t you trust your team?” Quill asked, concerned.

Tony heaved a deep sigh. “I used to. Now. . .it’s all messy and complicated and fucked up.”

“Well, that’s family, too,” Quill said, another small, sad smile pulling at his lips.

Again Tony felt that odd sensation of being totally exposed, as if Quill could look inside him and read all his flaws and fears. Just who was this strange, sexy spaceman from Missouri who seemed to know him so well after such a short time? And why didn‘t that scare him as much as it probably should? “Yeah, I suppose it is.”

“Look, Tony, I don’t know what’s going on with you and the other Avengers, and maybe it’s none of my business, but can I give you some advice? Whatever this disagreement was, whatever happened in the past, it has to stay there. We all have things we wish were different, things we have to learn to live with. We can’t change them--we can only change the future.” Quill grasped Tony‘s hand once more and gave him an encouraging smile. “Your team and mine, Tony. We take on Thanos together, and we win, and we save the universe, and we can all heroes, even if it’s just for one day.”

And even with the seriousness of the situation, Tony couldn’t help but grin at Quill‘s heartfelt speech. “That album was the first one I ever bought with my own money,” he divulged. “I wore the grooves out I played it so much. Dad hated it, which made me love it even more.” He sighed heavily. “God, I fucking miss Bowie.”

Quill mouth fell open. “You got my reference,” he whispered, a hint of awe in his voice.

“You sound surprised.”

“No one ever gets my pop culture references.”

“That definitely won’t be a problem around here,” Tony assured him. “Strange is positively obnoxious about his knowledge of obscure pop songs. Parker and Rhodey are in a tie for biggest sci-fi nerd you’ll ever meet. And though he’ll deny it to his dying breath, Bruce has seen ever rom-com and chick flick ever made.”

“And you?”

Tony replied with a campy, “Honey, you should see me in a crown.” At Quill’s puzzled expression, he added, “Okay, ‘Sherlock’ is definitely next on the ‘must-see’ list.”

Quill gave Tony a cocky smirk. “You know, I think I’m gonna fit in well here.”

Tony flashed Quill a seductive smile as he parted his legs slightly. “Well, we already know you fit in well here.”

A quirked eyebrow joined Quill‘s cocky smirk. “Is that so?” he purred, crawling over and on top of Tony, pushing aside the annoying bedding as he moved.

“Oh, yeah,” Tony sighed, wrapping his right leg around Quill’s hip, his hands resting on Quill‘s broad shoulders.

“So, I told you my story,” Quill murmured, leaning down until his mouth hovered over Tony’s. “Do I get my kiss now?”

“I think you’ve earned it,” Tony said, raising his head and brushing his lips across Quill’s in the barest hint of a kiss.

“That’s it?” Quill asked, incredulously.

“You didn’t specify the type of kiss you required,” Tony replied with a smug grin.

Quill took the teasing in stride. “Well, I was hoping for a bit more. . .” The rest of the sentence went unspoken as he leaned down again, licking a leisurely stripe along Tony‘s lower lip.

Tony shivered at the contact. “Mmmm. Not bad. But how about. . .?” Sliding his right hand around the back of Quill’s neck, Tony finally pulled him in for a long, lingering kiss. Mouth, tongue, lips, fluids. It was incredible. Amazing. Perfect. And a hundred other superlatives Tony couldn’t possibly think of because all his brain could think was, ‘Fuck, this man can kiss!’

Quill’s hands, meanwhile, were busy skimming along Tony’s hips and slipping under him, coming to rest on the his ass, pulling him closer, crushing their bodies together, and there had to be a word beyond ‘perfect’ in some language, but Tony was too busy losing himself in Quill’s kiss, melting into Quill’s embrace to even care what it might be. There was no question he was going to have serious beard-burn tomorrow morning.

So worth it.

After a minute or so of their tongues becoming intimately acquainted, Quill pulled away, ignoring Tony’s small whimper of disappointment. Crystal green eyes held Tony’s gaze as he said, “Tony. . .”

“I swear on my Black Sabbath tee-shirt, Quill, if you say this is nice, I‘ll kick you out of this bed.”

“Do you like to dance?”

Tony was thrown momentarily by the odd question, his mind still a bit foggy with his desire to simply continue kissing Quill’s talented mouth, but found enough brain cells to reply, “I love to dance.”

Quill beamed. Oh, those dimples! This time Tony didn’t hold back and licked the closest one, which made Quill smile wider. “Just checking,” he said, before claiming Tony’s lips once more.

And then there was no more talking for a long, long time.

THE END

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jtam · 7 years

Text

Captain America: Civil War

Reviewing a movie I've seen a bunch of times a year after it's come out. Why not?

You know, it's funny, but prior to seeing them I never thought I'd like the Captain America movies. I mean I guess to a point that's true of all the Avengers but Cap in particular -- even before I became a filthy commie I was never that patriotic, so a guy who dresses up in the American flag and throws a shield (of all things) at the bad guys seemed like an obvious miss for me. Of course, I was totally and completely wrong. The direction Marvel took with the character was pitch-perfect, and I defy anyone to play the role better than Chris Evans.

I wish I had the discipline to look like he does, yeesh.

Anyway.

I bring this up because, despite the fact that I love Captain America and the Avengers, I kinda didn't like this movie. I mean the acting is great, the direction seems solid, good production values (goes without saying). But ... the story just ... doesn't work.

First of all, there's the fact that this movie is both Captain America 3 and Iron Man 4. Not complaining, exactly, but it's worth noting that Tony gets almost as much screen time as Steve does. Moreover, Tony basically drives the plot -- which isn't necessarily a bad thing, since heroes are by definition reactionary, but it puts Tony in the role of villain, to a point, which is ... kinda weird?

Okay, let me get the big one out of the way first: this is Captain America's movie but he, himself, is ... not really the protagonist. Not really the hero.

Sigh. I'm having trouble articulating this.

The original "Civil War" arc was about the Mutant Registration Act -- American citizens being forced to register with the government if they had mutant powers. This is, for obvious reasons, a dreadful idea -- and parallels actual proposals coming out of our current President, like registering Muslims. It's very easy to see how problematic this is, and it's easy to see how a moral man like Steve Rogers would oppose such a measure.

Adapting it the way they did, though ... the Sokovia Accords are actually kind of hard to argue against, and it seems pretty out-of-character for Steve Rogers to be so strongly opposed. The Bucky arc, I have no problem with that at all, but ... Captain America, this Captain America, wouldn't object to the Sokovia Accords, and writing him that way is a little bit of character assassination. They needed him to be against them to set up the central conflict of the film, and so against them he is, even though it doesn't make sense for his character.

Steve is a former soldier who was ultimately betrayed by everyone he ever served. The US military didn't treat him super well and, well, SHIELD was HYDRA. He built his early career on disobedience, but was also fully prepared to face the consequences of his disobedience. I guess it seems like a bit of a stretch that he'd do a complete 180, to believing only in himself. Like, isn't it pretty arrogant to say that "only I can be trusted with my strength?" "Only I can be trusted to decide when it's time to get involved?" Gotta tell you, Steve, that's the kind of shit a bully says, and we know how you feel about bullies. Yes, people have agendas, and no, you're not as naive as you were when you stepped into Howard Stark's hottie machine, but to actively reject the idea of oversight for the Avengers is just ... arrogant. Grossly out of character.

And then, mid-film, it seems like he's actually willing to do it (for all the wrong reasons, but still). But then Tony says something and suddenly Steve is all opposed again, only now he's opposed specifically because Tony is for them. It gets very personal and that is definitely not Captain America.

So I guess that sums it up -- my main objection to the film is that it, a Captain America film, drops a big ol' deuce right on Captain America's shield. It doesn't make him the antagonist, exactly, but he also isn't in the right -- and it completely wastes the potential of the "plant yourself like a tree" soliloquy, which he doesn't even deliver.

Okay, and now for some lesser gripes.

The Spiderman scene is so offensively gratuitous. Jesus, Tony, the kid is sixteen fucking years old and you're taking him into battle against a super-soldier and a brainwashed assassin? Yeah, you didn't know about Wanda or Clint or Ant-man, but you goddamn well know the Winter Soldier is a terrifying badass. Bringing this kid into the fight should have landed Tony in jail, and all because Sony wanted to set up the second Spiderman reboot of the 21st Century.

And while we're on the subject of Tony, jfc. How many people died in the Hulkbuster fight? How many innocent people did the Avengers kill in New York? What was the collateral body count from Iron Mans 1 and 2? And suddenly it's Alfre Woodard's kid who tips him over the edge of accountability? Idk I guess it "works" but it's a little weird that he goes from zero to guilty in the course of a single conversation.

Which brings up another point -- it was Tony who was against oversight all along. He was the one who didn't want to join the Avengers. He was the one who didn't want to give up his suit to the government. It's so fucking weird to have Steve Rogers playing the part that Tony Stark should have played when for nine movies now it's been Tony Stark who's been pushing back against accountability. Yeah, it's nice that his man pain has shown him the light, but that should have just resolved any conflict he had with Steve. Steve should have been glad Tony was willing to grow up and sit at the big boys' table.

This isn't a complaint but Black Panther is so goddamn badass. Love that guy, can't wait to see his movie. (Though one does wonder when a prince has the time to achieve that level of fitness and puissance -- typically royalty have matters of state to attend to near-constantly. And I'll save my thoughts on the "Wakanda keeps their tech to themself" thing until the Black Panther movie comes out.)

Crippling Rhodey was kind of a bullshit move. Like, first of all, why couldn't Vision or Wanda catch him, second of all Iron Man can break the sound barrier at a whim, don't tell me he couldn't catch up to a human falling at terminal velocity, third of all ... why do it at all? It didn't serve to advance the plot and Steve couldn't have even known about it so there's no "look at the consequences of your actions" -- in particular because about this specific thing, Steve was in the right. Like. Was it meant to make Tony have second thoughts? Because that didn't come through in the writing, and also it isn't an Iron Man movie.

(Seriously, it's a Captain America movie, why is it Tony who gets the arc?)

The concept of the Raft is fucking stupid. And I'm positive the American Secretary of State has better things to do than hang out there.

You're going to tell me the Quinjet doesn't have tracking? My semi has a tracking chip in it, don't tell me they can't track the Quinjet. Plot hooooole. But a small one. And speaking of tracking -- Steve sends Tony a phone that he'll use to call Steve in Infinity War, but for that to work at all, Steve has to have a number that he can receive calls on -- which means he can be tracked.

Finally, Zemo's plot ... I mean I get what he's trying to do and that makes sense enough. I'm just not sure how the Winter Soldier plays into it. A debriefing, as far as I'm aware, includes the details of the mission's execution, which would include mission locations, targets, methods, outcomes, timeframes. It wouldn't include "where is your secret base." Yes, Bucky would have known where the secret base was but one would assume part of his programming would be to keep that secret at all costs, since, you know, anyone who had "triggered" him would presumably already know where that base was. There's no reason to assume the Winter Soldier would ever have been briefed on what it was he was retrieving or any of the details about the Russian super-soldier program. These are not "need to know" details and telling them to a field soldier who might well be captured by the enemy would be a tremendous security breach. Zemo already knew what happened in December 1991. Bucky should have had no new information to provide to him.

Anyway, sure, it's a fun movie. It's just "we needed to get from Age of Ultron to Infinity War and didn't know how, so we put together a list and wrote a script to check all the boxes with no thought to whether or not it made sense." I love Cap to pieces but this was definitely the weakest of his movies.

#captain america #civil war #review #critique #marvel

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kylesvariouslistsandstuff · 5 months

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Quick recap.

David Zaslav should not be running a movie studio. Yet another film has been locked away, one that was near-completed that you'll likely never see, because "tax write-off". First BATGIRL, then SCOOB! HOLIDAY HAUNT, now COYOTE VS. ACME... And even crazier, that production - which tested extremely well - involved James Gunn, one of the architects of Warner's new DC movie universe... Zaslav likely pissed Gunn off, big time... What kind of ineptitude is that?

He could've offloaded it to another distributor, like how the Looney Tunes movie THE DAY THE EARTH BLEW UP and the series BATMAN: CAPED CRUSADER were. But no, a $30m tax write-off. Because fuck everybody who worked hard making these movie, and fuck everybody who will be its audience - me included. Yachts do weird things to your brain. This is why there were strikes, and whatever happens with the Animation Guild next year, I hope that end of things gets to go HAM next year, because this is all kinds of bullshit. No movie should be locked in a vault because some dingus who doesn't like movies can't be bothered to actually do his job.

Lighter note...

The INSIDE OUT 2 teaser. At last. Funny how it came about right after the actor's strike ended. And even more egregious that while Disgust and Fear are still in the movie, their actors Mindy Kaling and Bill Hader didn't come back because the pay was below that of Amy Poehler's. Tony Hale - previously TOY STORY's jumpy Forky - takes over for Fear, Liza Lapira of many TV roles is now Disgust. New characters! I hate my anxiety, but I like this movie's Anxiety. The design, just. WOW! A scrunkly bunko chewed up Fraggle Rock reject, I dig. Funny how three of the four teased new emotions begin with "E", and the fourth with an "A". All vowels.

Voice work resumes on SPIDER-MAN: BEYOND THE SPIDER-VERSE. Please, no crunch this time. Lock the picture before frames are animated, no last minute changes up until the week before release.

The Netflix-exclusive DreamWorks feature ORION AND THE DARK, from director Sean Charmatz, has a release date, February 2nd... And a trailer... It has a very fun, subtly sketchy look, with characters looking like they were cast from notebook scribbles. Looks to be a fun kid-centric spooky time, like something the ill-fated Disney/Guillermo del Toro animation partnership "Disney Double Dare You" could've made.

The other big Netflix animated movie of 2024 doesn't have a concrete date, but its new trailer is quite striking. Shannon Tindle's ULTRAMAN RISING looks to work off of a SPIDER-VERSE-esque playbook with its textures and modeling (worth noting that Tindle was supposed to direct a superhero movie for Sony Animation up until the plug got pulled in July 2018, just a few months before SPIDER-VERSE 1 came out), but totally doing its own thing, with - as expected - all the anime influences. Another worthy experiment in CG animation pushing the medium in different directions once more.

Now that the strike is over, more delays are likely to come... Disney delayed a *ton* today on the Marvel and CG tech demo end... Their LION KING remake prequel leaves July 5, 2024 (where it was to open opposite of DESPICABLE ME 4) for December 20, 2024 (where it will go head to head with SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 3)...

Marvel saw the biggest shakeup.

DEADPOOL 3 is now the sole MCU movie of next year, set for July 26, 2024.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: BRAVE NEW WORLD now opens 2/14/2025, followed by FANTASTIC FOUR on 5/2/2025, then former 2024 movie THUNDERBOLTS hits 7/25/2025, and the year ends with BLADE, 11/7/2025.

I get that two of these movies are former 2024 titles, but goddamn 2025 still has *four* MCU movies. They should really just do 1-2 solid movies that they took their time on every calendar year. For me, if the bar is GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 3 and BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER, the MCU would be in good standing every year...

They also still plan to release four movies, including AVENGERS: THE KANG DYNASTY, in 2026... Nah, this train I feel has to slow down a bit. You also have all those Disney+ shows as well, it's a bit overwhelming a feel.

So now Disney's 2024 slate, following the delaying of ELIO and all these Marvel movies, is down to... KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (the first of their new movies, opening in late May), INSIDE OUT 2 (June), DEADPOOL 3 (July), a new ALIEN film (August), an untitled Disney live-action film (September), 20th Century title THE AMATEUR (November), an untitled WDAS film (November), and MUFASA: THE LION KING (December).

Two recently delayed Searchlight movies, THE BIKERIDERS and MAGAZINE DREAMS, can feasibly take some early 2024 slots. They may miss the Oscars, but I'd rather see them sooner than later. I don't know if they can reclaim their December slots with the actors now available to promote them (MAGAZINE DREAMS is tricky because its lead is Jonathan Majors), or if Disney/Searchlight would rather just focus primarily on POOR THINGS.

Untitled Disney September 2024 could just be a placeholder for another 20th Century or Searchlight film, and I doubt they move SNOW WHITE forward from March 2025 to that date. Otherwise, I can't think of any other movie in the tank that could make that date. At least one I've heard of or know that was in production before the strike.

I'm just hoping, since WISH is right around the corner, that we hear what WDAS 2024 is going to be. Who's directing, what it's about, the title, etc. From the trenches, I hear it's a fantasy film set in the Middle East, possibly directed by Suzi Yoonessi, who is of Iranian descent. Maybe, maybe not. I'd love to know soon, though. But whenever they're ready, they're ready. No rushing, now.

I expect a lot more scheduling developments to take place over the next month or so, now that the dust has settled...

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smokeybrandreviews · 5 years

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Smokey brand Movie Reviews: You’re A Sunflower

I finally got the opportunity to see Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. I was suppose to check it out on Friday but some stuff happened and knocked me back on my heels. I just now got to the point where life feels steady and, fortunately for me, this flick only enriched that sentiment. I mean, if you can’t tell, i loved this movie. It’s pretty good. But how good is it, you might ask? Well, True Believers, let’s get into it!

The Best

Can i just take some time to acknowledge how f*cking gorgeous this movie is? Seriously, just on aesthetic this is a must see. I’ve seen some visually striking films this year, Suspiria is a goddamn feast for the eyes and Aquaman is suppose to be stunning, but this one takes the cake. Spider-Verse is, by far, the most gorgeous film released this year and you’d be doing yourself a disservice not taking that shine in.

The interpersonal relationships in this flick are surprisingly heartwarming. Miles and Pete, Gwen and Miles, Miles and his dad, Aunt May and literally all of the Spiders; They are all endearing and feel genuine. This isn’t a perfect film by any stretch but those relationships go a long way to cover up some it’s more glaring flaws.

All of the little easter egg were delicious. My Spider-Sense was having a goddamn blast spotting all of the nods and nudges, especially all of the shine in the Spider-Cave. Yes, apparently the Pete in Mile’s universe had a Spider-Cave. AND IT WAS AWESOME!!

Okay, so all of the performances were dope. All of the ones that needed to be, were great. Even the supporting Spiders were awesome. I’m a fan of John Mullaney and was still apprehensive about Spider-Ham but he pulled it off. There’s even a little scene where he gets pretty hardbody but there are several standouts which need their own entries.

Shameik Moore as Miles Morales was perfect. Perfect. He took to this role as organic as any of the MCU castings and i was stunned. Miles is the linchpin of this movie. Indeed, the film is at it’s best when he’s on screen and Moore does a brilliant job bringing that character to life.

Yo, i am falling in love with Hailee Steinfeld, man. She is fast becoming one of my actors to watch. Not only do i have palpable anticipation with her performance in Bumblebee, but her take on Spider-Gwen was awesome! Full disclosure, i don’t care for Gwen Stacys but this one? This one is adequate. I’m lying, Steinfeld did the impossible and made me actually like a Gwen Stacy. Seriously, she’s the second best thing in this movie after Miles.

Jake Johnson as Hobo Spider-Man was pretty cool, too. I mean, i already adore Johnson. Dude is hilarious on New Girl and was the one bright spot in that god awful Mummy but this is probably the most natural i’ve ever seen him. Dude might have a career in voice acting is regular acting craps out on him.

I would be remiss not to specifically mention the glorious re-imagining of Olivia Octavious, this film’s Doc Ock. Ma was sinister, and vicious, and hilarious, and gorgeous, and just perfect. I loved this character and Kathryn Hahn gets all credit for making that happen. Seriously, of all the villains in this thing, and there are many, she was the best and deserved much more screen time.

Seriously, the cast in this thing was brilliant! Easily the best of the year! side from those four, you got Liev Schriber, Greta Lee, Nic Cage, Zoe Kravits, f*cking Mahershala Ali, Chris Pine, f*cking Oscar Isaac, Lily Tomlin, Bryan Tyree Henry, Lake Bell, and even Post Malone is in here a little bit. Bro, this sh*t is stacked!

The Good

The plot itself is a little generic. Sony is bad at that in general, which is odd. They use to do very well with films but, lately, they’ve been trash. Just throwing money at anything to see what sticks to the wall, i guess. No pun intended. The narrative of this film feels early 90s Superhero flick, like Steel or one of the Schumacher Batmans but it works for this type of movie. It feels like a cartoon because it’s a cartoon. While i like a little more bite in my three acts, i wasn’t mad with what i got here. It works, keeps thing accessible to newbs, and doesn’t clutter sh*t up so the kiddies can follow along.

Yo, this soundtrack is kind of amazing. it feels mad organic to the style of film making on hand. I’ve heard that some critics found the music choice in certain scenes to be a little jarring or out of place, but considering this is a film about a half black-half Puerto African kid, living in Brooklyn,i think it hits exactly the notes it needs to. It’s not American Gangster or Black Panther, but it’s still pretty good.

The Okay

Kingpin was mad underwhelming as the big bad. Seriously, i touched upon this in The Best, but this version of Doc Ock was f*cking amazing and should have been the primary villain. She should have been using Kingpin for his resources, preying on his insecurities, advancing her own agendas with every intention of a double-cross. Cliche, i know, but she was just SO great in that villain role.

Speaking off, the antagonists didn’t get enough time to develop into anything substantial. I gush about Olivia but i legit could have spent a ton more time with here and not complained at all. The only really villain to get enough characterization was the Prowler, but that was almost a certain, given this is a Miles Morales origin story. I think Tombstone was in this as well as a version of Scorpion, but they were just fodder for the fights, nothing more; I would have liked to have delved more into their characters.

You know what, while i’m thinking about it, it kind of feels like none of the supporting characters got enough time to shine, either. Aunt May was shafted! And she was amazing! There was next to no MJ, which is a TRAVESTY on the highest order! Mile’s pops had some decent moments but even his shine seemed to be a little dull in the grand scheme of things. I guess that’s what sequels are for...

This movie is obviously a set-up film for future outings in this universe and, if i’m not mistaken, there’s already two sequels in the works; a direct one for Mile’s story where that adorable romance between he and Gwen will be expanded upon into her on film? i think i read somewhere that Spider-Girls was going to be a thing? I’m good with that. If we f*ck around and get Mayday in one these, i’ll squeal like a pig! Even with all of the Horse-before-carriage nonsense, it’s not super detracting from this movie. It all feels organic, for the most part. Not like BvS or the like. That sh*t was real sad, man...

The Verdict

If you can’t tell, i adored this film. It’s easily top three of the year for me. Probably Suspiria, Hereditary, then this. I know, that juxtaposition is wild but i think it deserves it. There was just so much heart in this movie. It reads genuine to who Miles Morales is as a character outside of the suit and as his version of Spider-Man. It has an all-star cast, with a few standout supporting roles, and the visual presentations is just breathtaking. Seriously, Sony is right to try and copyright this style of animation because it really is just that good. There are issues, underdeveloped characters, a flaccid big-bad, mild pacing hiccups here and there, and a very obvious priority to set up a universe but, the thing is, these gripes are relatively small. Sony is most definitely going to expand upon this universe, something that they should do as a means to standout from Marvel and what they’re doing while simultaneously maximizing profits. The MCU is a singular, contained world but Into The Spider-Verse bust s out with infinite possibilities for Sony to play with and it does it in a wildly entertaining fashion. I highly recommend checking this thing out, It was areal treat and i look forward to what’s next for these characters.

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smokeybrand · 5 years

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Smokey brand Movie Reviews: You’re A Sunflower

The Best

The Good

The Okay

The Verdict

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smokeybrand · 6 years

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Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Up An Asshole

So Venom is better than it had any right to be. Also, it’s a f*cking quandary, man. Like, straight up, Venom is not a good film. It’s not. But, at the same time, it’s not terrible. It’s the oddest sh*t i’ve ever experienced. There is a lot of good here. In theory, this should have worked and it kind of does but not really. Full disclose, i am approaching this as a thoroughly versed in the language of Spider-Man and his mythos. I know a great deal about the Venom character. In fact, he’s my third favorite Marvel character. Spider-Man, Dr. Doom, Venom, Captain Marvel, and X-23. Top five, right there. I’m going to do my best to be as objective about this review as possible but, understand, i am wildly biased.

The Good

The performances in this thing were really f*cking good. It’s rare that i see a flick where every major character gives it their all like this. In a bad movie. That’s the thing about this; I don’t know if it’s really all that bad. Independently, the components are mediocre to terrible but together, with an added lift by how great the leads are in their respective roles, this thing gets elevated considerably. it’s schlock, don’t misunderstand, but it’s schlock handled with care, love, and reverence which makes it more? I dunno, man.

Tom Hardy does his thing as usual. I’ve seen a lot of reviews saying this is the worst he’s been since his last terrible performance but that’s not the case. I don’t think those people actually understand the character of Venom. I don’t think they get that he’s a dark reflection of Peter Parker so, yeah, he’s gonna be quick in an edgelord, try-hard, kind of way which is exactly what Hardy gives you. Dude is one hundred percent true to who Eddie Brock and Venom are as characters.

Michelle Williams as Brock’s Ex-fiance (Ex-Wife in the comics) Anne Weying was phenomenal. She’s everything i wanted Mary Jane or Gwen Stacey to be in Sony’s Spider-Outings. Madame is intelligent, strong, and a force all in her own right. Plus, i mean, but dat She Venom, tho!

Rhiz Ahmed does a fantastic job as Carlton Drake. Seriously, he does insidiously sinister Elon Musk brilliantly. There was a quiet danger to this cat that just seethed with every second he was on screen. This is a man who knows he can destroy a person with little more than a phone call. His metered, subtle, insanity is just f*cking breathtaking to watch. Drake, as the main antagonist, would have been spectacular if he maintained a kind of Kingpin-esque level, someone who is just out of reach of our protagonist, as Brock tried to find a way to topple his entire regime. Think Lex Luthor. Bring in Cassidy to play the part of The Joker but with more slaughter, and you’d have a rather compelling narrative to follow through a trilogy of films, i think. But Sony dumb and blew their load on this one movie so we’ll never get to see just how smarmy of a sociopath Rhiz could have crafted with Drake.

The adaption of Lethal Protector for film was pretty dope. I like the liberties they took with the characters while still hearkening back to the comic origins. I didn’t think Venom could work without Spider-Man but it kind of does. There is a lot here to unpack for a first attempt but, as a first attempt? it got a lot right. There is a solid foundation to build something better on and that bodes well for the future. Unless this thing doesn’t make any money. it might not make any money...

The Meh

Everything is cohesive, for the most part. The pacing here is brisk but competent. You get from one scene to the next, all in service toward head-biting and tongue-punching. It’s not the most smooth in it’s stride but it gets to where it needs to, even if it stumbles more of then than it should.

The script was ehh. You can tell someone had some ideas and they are very apparent but the execution just didn’t do it justice. I don’t know if it was the overall plot or the characters, themselves, or the corny dialogue but everything felt just under good. Not pitch enough for me to say it stinks but nowhere near good enough for me to praise it.

The fact that this flick is PG-13 is a goddamn disservice. Seriously, there is, apparently, 40 minutes of raw, violent, footage left on the cutting room floor. This movie probably needed that.

The tone of this flick is mad jarring. I feel like if it was hard R but kept that rather sarcastic, nonchalant, tone, it would have been a better film overall. Not quite like Deadpool but more like Kiss Kiss Bang. I think this film’s strength was when it was calling out the absurd nature of it’s own premise. Which brings me to my net point....

The direction in this film is... wrong. Like, it doesn’t fit the film, you know? Ruben Fleischer, the guy who did Zombieland, helms this and he does a decent job. Dude sucks at directing action but the interpersonal parts, the actual character dynamics, are spectacular in this film. I particularly enjoyed the weird love (?) triangle between Eddie, Anne, and Venom. While i was pleased with what Fleischer gave us, i can’t help but feel like this was the perfect vehicle for Shane Black. HIS version of Venom would have been spectacular.

The Bad

The plot holes in this thing are ludicrous. There are entire subplots just dropped. Main characters are killed off left and right. There are rules established, things inherent to the logic of the world that was created for Venom, that are just thrown out the goddamn window for plot convenience. It’s f*cking insane

Riot is a flaccid antagonist. I understand you don’t blow your load with Carnage in the first film, but really? Riot wasn’t even good in the comics. Dude was a red shirt symbiote. Seriously, he gets consumed and amalgamated, along with, like, three other ones, into a D-Class antihero called Hybrid. If i’m not mistaken, Scream, a female symbiote from the same lot, is the only on that doesn’t get fridged by the end of that Life Foundation arc. To make him the big bad was ridiculous.

That climax was sh*t. I literally didn’t know what the f*ck was going on. Nonsense looked like a f*cking Pollock painting with teeth.

This movie looks like sh*t. The CGI is poor, man. Almost unforgivably so. This thing cost 100 million to make and it looks like it cost a quarter of that. There’s been a lot of comparison to Upgrade but for the money, Upgrade is a FAR superior situation. I can’t say if it was a better film overall but it definitely did the whole takeover thing just as good as Venom, but for a fraction of the budget. Hell, f*cking Life is a better looking Venom movie and it only cost 70 mil!

Why are all of the goddamn symbiotes named human things? The host comes up with that name in the comic. What f*cking alien even understands the English word “Riot”?

The Verdict

Overall, Venom was entertaining. There are a TON of issues, man, but i don’t think it’s as bad as everyone is saying. This sh*t ain’t Shakespeare but it definitely isn’t Batman vs Superman either. There is a lot to like and a clear path toward something better. I think, in the hands of a better director who understand how to execute this type of film, we could have something fantastic. Still, for what we have, it’s pretty decent. I’d say give it a chance. It’s mad entertaining and watching Hardy do his thing is more than worth the price of admission.

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