Akudama Drive Episode #4: Speed Transcript
This episode has the battle aboard the Shinkansen between the Akudama and the Executioners.
{Caption #1: Kansai}
{Caption #2: Kansai Station}
{Caption #1: Kansai}
{Caption #2: Shinkansen platform}
Pupil: Heaheaheaheaheaheaheaheah…ugh! We’re too late! It already left!
Master: To think they actually raided the Shinkansen. How interesting.
Pupil: Dammit! Rotten Akudama!
Master: There’s still time before it picks up speed. Let’s go.
Pupil: Ehm! Yes, sir!
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{Caption #1: Shinkansen}
{Caption #2: Carriage 6: Freight Car 1}
Black Cat: The Shinkansen departing like that was unexpected…but the invasion was still a success.
Swindler: Wait, does that mean things aren’t going as planned?
Doctor: Well, it’s not like we failed the job yet.
Black Cat: We’ve made it onboard. As long as we secure the vault, we’ll have cleared the mission.
Courier: Meaning all of this has been within your expectations.
Black Cat: Having a plan doesn’t guarantee anything. That said…we only have ten minutes remaining. If we take any longer, we’ll be plunging into the void of doom: the Absolute Quarantine Zone.
{Caption: Absolute Quarantine Zone}
Black Cat: But knowing you guys…that should be plenty of time.
Brawler: Heuh! Damn straight; that’s more than enough!
Doctor: Cut the chit-chat; the kitty just said we have ten minutes. We should hurry and find the vault.
Swindler: HEAAH! Um, please tell me that isn’t what I think it is.
Hoodlum: Crap, Executioners!
Black Cat: Were they able to piece together what we were plotting?
Doctor: That huge power outage may have tipped them off. Just a guess.
Swindler: You accounted for this though, right, Mr. Kitty?
Black Cat: I did not.
Swindler: WHAT?!
Black Cat: Brawler and Cutthroat, if you’d please dispatch them? Stealing the vault is futile as long as they’re around.
Brawler: You know you ain’t gotta ask me twice when fightin’s on the table!
Cutthroat: Aw, I’d rather go with Swindler.
(Swindler: Aah!)
Swindler: Priorities, Mr. Cutthroat!
(Cutthroat: Mmhm! Mm!)
Black Cat: Ugh, whatever, the rest of you are coming with me. Hacker! If you would open the door to the next carriage.
Hacker: Hacking the Shinkansen, huh? Sounds like fun!
Brawler: Bring it on! ‘Cause I’m like a moth to a maim!
Hoodlum: I think you meant “moth to a flame”, brother.
Brawler: Yeah, what my boy said!
Master: You’re busted, Akudama.
Akudama: Auh?
Swindler: Heuah…
Brawler: Man, this is gonna be fun!
Pupil: This time, I won’t fail!
Brawler: DUAH! Eh!
Pupil: Eugh! You won’t get away! AAH! Uah!
Brawler: A brawler never takes his eyes off the prize. EHHHYAH!
Pupil: AAH!
Doctor: WAIT!
Pupil, Doctor: DUAGUMPH!
Hoodlum: DUAAH!
Master: It appears that’s one thing we have in common, scum.
Brawler: Call this revenge for what happened at the hotel.
Master: This weakling again.
Brawler: I’ll execute your face! DUEH!
Master: Watch yourself.
Brawler: Right back at ya. I knew you wouldn’t take me seriously!
Master: Ehum!
Hacker: I got it open!
Swindler: We gotta move, Courier! Hello? Are you listening?
Courier: My bike. We need it for the job.
Swindler: Auh…
Brawler: DUWAH! Wah…dueh.
Black Cat: What do you think you’re doing? Hurry up!
Swindler: Hold on, Mr. Kitty.
Black Cat: Euh!
Swindler: If Courier says we need his bike for the job, then we probably do. We should trust him.
Black Cat: Fine.
{Caption #1: Shinkansen}
{Caption #2: Carriage 5: Freight Car 2}
Swindler: Seems like another freight car.
Black Cat: Damn Executioners! If we don’t get rid of them…all our work will have been for nothing!
{Text on sign: 5}
Swindler: Mr. Kitty…HEY! Let’s just stay focused and make our way to the vault! That way, at least we can say we accomplished something.
Black Cat: You raise good points, Swindler. We have to try.
Hacker: Looting, right in the middle of a bad-end scenario.
(Swindler: Heuh?)
Hacker: Sounds like an entertaining challenge.
Swindler: Dude, this isn’t some sort of game, y’know! Eheheh…
Cutthroat: Spilling the blood of Executioners is all right. But nothing compares to being at your side.
Swindler: Is that a compliment? Woah, wait a second! You’re the most infamous murderer in Kansai.
Hoodlum: Lady, chill!
(Swindler: Go take care of those guys!)
Hoodlum: We’ve got no clue what’s waiting for us up ahead. Don’t you think it’d be better if we had some backup?
Swindler: I guess, but what about the others?
Door: Thud!
Swindler: Eheah!
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Courier: Em…em…hm…phoo!
Master: Without that bike to save your skin, you’re nothing but a common thug.
Courier: Actually, I’m an exceptional thug. And plus…no matter how shit the situation, I never fail.
Doctor: DUEH! THAT DAMN DREADLOCKED OAF! I’m gonna dissect him!
Master: Worthless Pupil. Doctors, on the other hand, can be quite useful. Curious. If I split you in two, can you stitch yourself together?
Doctor: Never had the luxury of that happening before, but I think I could manage. You should know some people don’t need doctors.
Brawler: EHHHHYAH!
Master: Dueh!
Brawler: Heh! I ain’t gonna lose to some prick with a glowstick!
Master: Eauh…sorry, I don’t take criticism from meatheads.
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Hacker: The encryption on this door is heavier than the previous. You don’t want us to see what’s ahead, huh? Now I’m even more interested.
Hoodlum: At this rate, we’re not gonna make it---
Swindler: Eeuhm!
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Brawler: Woah!
(Master: Huh?)
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Hoodlum: So, uh, we goin’ faster, or…?
Black Cat: We’ve left Kansai, so our acceleration’s increased.
(Swindler: Ehuh…)
Black Cat: Five minutes until we enter the Absolute Quarantine Zone.
Hoodlum: WHAHAHA! HOW’RE WE SUPPOSED TO STEAL THE VAULT IN FIVE MINUTES?!
Swindler: We have to try; we’re already this far in, so why not?
Black Cat: Swindler’s right.
Hacker: As long as the other four doors take an average…
(Hoodlum: SURE, BUT IT WON’T MATTER IF WE’RE DEAD!)
Hacker: …of one minute to break through, we should have enough time to make it.
(Cutthroat: Aw phoo, if we’re gonna be dead in a few minutes, that means I won’t get to kill you, Swindler)
Hacker: But if we assume…
(Cutthroat: That’s not fair!)
Hacker: …each door is going to be progressively more difficult to crack, we’d only have a matter of seconds to break…
(Swindler: Not funny, Mr. Cutthroat! If you claim to love me, why aren’t you doing anything useful?!)
Hacker: …through the final lock!
(Black Cat: Hacker!)
Black Cat: What’s taking so long?
Hacker: Hmhmhm!
(Hoodlum: Eh?)
(Swindler: Mm?)
Hacker: HAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS THE BEST TIME LIMIT GAME I’VE EVER PLAYED! THESE ARE THE KIND OF THRILLING CHALLENGES I LIVE FOR!
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Courier: Duegh…uh eh…piss off already!
Master: Pretty careless. You hit one of your buddies.
Courier: Yeah, we’re not friends.
Brawler: Heh! Phoo!
Master: Euh! Eum…hm!
Courier: Duoh! What about the two of you?
Master: Heyuh!
Brawler: Remember, eyes on the prize! Huhah?
Master: Fine. Let’s get serious.
Brawler: Dueh! Duoh! Houh!
Swindler: No way!
Brawler: Cough! Cough!
Cutthroat: Awhuah! It’s just like a pretty red sparkler!
Hacker: Second door’s open!
Black Cat: Let’s go!
Swindler: Ehum! Mr. Brawler! Are you okay? Ehuah? Not good…
Hoodlum: This dude’s sick, like making-Brawler-spit-blood-all-over-the-freakin’-floor sick!
Black Cat: Just leave him behind, Swindler! There’s no time!
Swindler: But if we abandon him here, he could end up killed!
Cutthroat: Maybe I’ll take a turn.
Swindler: Ehuah…
Cutthroat: I want you for myself, so I can’t let you stay and die. Plus, I wanna be useful. Oh, and then…there’s the red blood.
Swindler: Huah!
Brawler: Stay outta my way.
Swindler: Uhoh?
Brawler: This is my fight, got it? Yo, bro!
Hoodlum: DUEH!
Brawler: Sorry you had to see me bein’ so lame!
Hoodlum: Eh, eh!
Brawler: I’m gonna whoop his prick ass and get a 500 million year sentence like you!
Hoodlum: Uhuhuh…wait, for real? Hm…heuah…bro! Imma whoop his ass too! You’ve given me no choice but to go all out!
Brawler: Oh, it’s on! Hear that? You’re a dead man!
Hoodlum: DUEAH!
Master: Huah…plan to sleep forever, stupid Pupil?!
Pupil: Euah! Uh, I’m up!
Master: What’s an Executioner’s duty?
Pupil: To remove the dregs of society, sir!
Master: Then get on your feet and do it! Those unable to perform have no right to the uniform!
Pupil: Right!
Doctor: Wow, you’d fit right in with these stiffs.
Courier: Shut your mouth, shithead.
Hoodlum: Go out there and give it your best shot. I don’t wanna show off and upstage anyone.
Brawler: Are you sure? ‘Cause after I’m done with him, there’s not gonna be a whole lot left.
Hoodlum: Neahah! Yep, all yours, my dude! Phew!
Swindler: But you just coughed up blood!
Brawler: You should get lost if that’s enough to scare ya.
Swindler: Huaoh?
Cutthroat: I’ll slice anyone who tries to take you from me.
Black Cat: Swindler, come on!
Swindler: Neah! You two better not die!
Master: Three minutes until the Absolute Quarantine Zone. Before then…I’ll execute you all!
Brawler: Deah…neagh!
Cutthroat: Such filthy eyes. Neauh! But that’s okay. Blood makes everyone pretty. So I’ll make you bloom like a big red flower!
Master: You certainly earned those 900 plus years.
Hoodlum: Eeheaugh!
Brawler: Uegh!
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Swindler: Huh. How bizarre.
{Caption #1: Shinkansen}
{Caption #2: Carriage 4: Second-Class Passenger Car}
Swindler: This is a passenger car, right?
Hacker: For real? So people ride on this too?
Black Cat: It certainly appears that way. Huah, let’s continue.
Hacker: It’s unlocked.
{Caption #1: Shinkansen}
{Caption #2: Carriage 3: First-Class Passenger Car}
Swindler: Wait, is this one the same?
Hacker: Then it’s true. This thing does take people to Kanto.
Swindler: You’d think there would have at least been some rumors about that though. If it does, that’s kind of terrifying.
Hacker: A while back when I was digging around the Seal Center…I discovered there was a profile on the Shinkansen. Diving deeper, I discovered some sort of connection between the train and seals from Kansai.
Swindler: Then that would mean the people of Kansai have some sort of tie to the Shinkansen? Huh. I’ve never seen anything about that.
Hacker: Neither have I. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to investigate any further because a stupid firewall got in my way.
Swindler: If these are passenger cars, it’s likely people have taken the train to Kanto before!
Hacker: Huoh! Yeah, that’s true. If it’s been done already…then maybe I’ll actually make it to Kanto after all. I’ll say goodbye to crummy Kansai for good, and then start over fresh in an unparalleled utopia!
Black Cat: It’s no utopia!
Swindler: Neah!
Black Cat: At this rate…we’ll enter the Absolute Quarantine Zone. Even if you survive that, there’s the Decontamination Zone afterwards, which purges all organic matter.
Swindler: Uh, Decontamination Zone?
Black Cat: I’m saying you can’t reach Kanto alive. It’s impossible.
Swindler: So, um…question. How exactly do you know so much about the place?
Black Cat: Doesn’t matter. It’s of no concern to you.
Hacker: I’ll get there.
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Pupil: HAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Yeuh, yeuh! Huah, yah! Deuh!
Courier: Euh!
Pupil: Idiot! I know you’re after that stupid flashy bike. I wasn’t born yesterday, Akudama scum! Crushing your pathetic skulls is what gives us Executioners pride!
Courier: Augoh! Neah…tch.
Pupil: Eum! Cough cough cough! Cough, my eyes!
Courier: What was that crap?
(Pupil: Cough cough! What the hell is this?!)
Doctor: Something similar to tear gas. Here.
(Courier: Augh…)
(Pupil: Cough cough cough!)
Courier: Auhn…
Doctor: Now stop being such a feminist and take her out.
Courier: Ehum!
Pupil: HEEEEYYYAH!
Courier: Oh holy sh---!
(Pupil: Duyah!)
Pupil: Don’t expect your cowardly tactics to get the best of me!
Doctor: Would you look at that? In the end, it was pride that put the woman on top.
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Cutthroat: Ehahuah! Uhn!
Master: Sleight of hand?
Cutthroat: Up next, I’ll pull red from your hat! Aw, why’d you dodge it? Now my trick’s ruined.
Master: Heugh!
Cutthroat: Still, spilt blood’s always beautiful. Wouldn’t you agree with me?
Hoodlum: Cutthroat’s an absolute beast. Nothin’ to be scared of when they’re around. Huh? Sorry, bro, but I gotta go with the facts.
Brawler: YAAAAAHHHHH!
Hoodlum: Eeheeee!
Brawler: Fear ain’t a word in my dictionary! So why the hell am I backin’ down like some freakin’ coward?! Screw that. I’m supposed to be the strongest! Get outta the way, Cutthroat! This fight’s between me and him! And the two of us are about to put our lives on the line!
Hoodlum: So badass!
Master: I’ll teach you the difference between spunk and skill.
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Hacker: Nice…
Swindler: Awesome! At this speed, it’ll be open in no time at all!
(Hacker: …figured out the control protocol. With this, we’ll be able to sneak in)
Black Cat: It’s too late.
Swindler: Huh?
Black Cat: We’ve reached the Absolute Quarantine Zone.
Swindler: AAHAH!
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Pupil: Neaugh!
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Master: Auh!
Brawler: Heaheaheah…
Hoodlum: Wooaah---dueh! Ergh!
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Bunny: Heyo! Bunny here!
Shark: And your pal Shark!
Bunny: Hey, Sharkie! You know about the Absolute Quarantine Zone, right?
Shark: The Absolute what? Tell me more!
Bunny: Remember when we talked about the war?
Shark: Oh, sure! The one between Kanto and Kansai, right?
{Text on background #1: WEST}
{Text on background #2: BATTLE}
{Text on background #3: EAST}
Shark: Kanto dropped that huge bomb.
Bunny: Bullseye! The war wouldn’t have ended without it! But it turns out the ground, air, and water were contaminated by the explosion, leaving the area of this blast this totally uninhabitable wasteland!
Shark: And that’s the Absolute Quarantine Zone?
Bunny: Yep! It’s between Kansai and Kanto! The Shinkansen has to travel through it every single time to reach the other side!
Shark: Wait a second, Bunny. Wouldn’t that mean Kanto would end up getting contaminated too?
Bunny: That’s what Kanto’s Decontamination Zone is for! It sterilizes and breaks down any toxins or organic matter that comes through, making everything clean and shiny!
Shark: Phew! Well, that’s a relief!
Announcer: Now leaving the Absolute Quarantine Zone. Entering the Decontamination Zone.
Bunny: What’d I tell ya?
Shark: You sure know your stuff, Bunny!
(Announcer: Five, four…)
Announcer: …three, two, one!
Bunny, Shark: Aaaah!
{Caption #1: The End}
{Caption #2: Produced by Kansai}
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Swindler: Ugh…ow!
Hacker: C’mon, I was about to break through! What just happened?
Black Cat: We’re in the Absolute Quarantine Zone. There’s no turning back now.
Swindler: Euh, I thought we were as good as dead if we got here. What do we do now?
Black Cat: Even if we took the vault, you can’t go outside. All that awaits is the Decontamination Zone. And once we enter that…everyone on board will die.
Swindler: So, uh, I guess that means we can rule out making it home safe and sound.
Hacker: You phrased that oddly. Almost as if there’s a chance we could survive if we manage to finish before then.
Swindler: Ahuh! Wait, is that true?
Black Cat: Open the vault.
Swindler: Are you sure that’s a good idea?
Black Cat: Don’t worry. At this point, we don’t have much of a choice. If we’re able to get it open, we’ll work things out.
Hacker: This keeps getting more interesting. THE GAME IS BACK ON!
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Pupil: What the shit?! The hell just happened?!
Courier: Watch your language, shithead.
(Pupil: Auh!)
Pupil: Dueh! AUH! Uegh…
Doctor: Aw, how cute, so you are a feminist.
Courier: I try to avoid killing if it’s not necessary for work.
Doctor: But this is work. So…what are we doing with the bike?
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Cutthroat: Dueah, owww! That made me hit my head. Oh…this sucks! I give up! I quit!
(Hoodlum: Erghghghghgh…dauschchchchch… )
Master: Auhn! Didn’t expect that.
Brawler: Hahaha! Well, well! We made it to that Absolute Quarantine Zone. So much for all that Executin’ stuff, huh?
Master: Neurgh…
Brawler: Deauh!
Master: Being straddled like a horse…
Brawler: Dueh!
Master: …is a disgrace to my NAME!
Cutthroat: Hm?
(Hoodlum: Duah!)
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Swindler: Huah! Mr. Brawler?
Black Cat: Damn Executioners!
Hacker: Another one down!
Black Cat: Let’s move! Once we’re through here, there’s only the front carriage!
Hacker: Huah! OUTTA THE WAY!
Swindler: Heaah!
(Hacker: Neauh!)
Swindler: That was close!
{Caption #1: Shinkansen}
{Caption #2: Carriage 2: Security Room}
Hacker: So you’re the security, huh? I see how it is. Time for our big boss fight. FINE, BRING IT ON!
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Brawler: Neauh…
Master: I don’t intend to make this train my grave. It’s about time I finished the job!
Brawler: Duagh! Eagh…eeh! Told you I’d put my life on the line.
Master: Heauh!
Brawler: HEHHHHYYAH! Heah…heah…neah! Heah…heah…it’s done. I win.
Master: Wouldn’t be so sure about that.
Hoodlum: YAAAAAHHHHHH!
Master: Duoh! Neagh…you snake!
Hoodlum: AAAAAHHHH!
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Hacker: Well, well. It looks like I’ve reached the bonus stage!
Swindler: It’s Courier!
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Courier: Would you get off, you’re making it hard to steer.
Doctor: Everyone knows it’s easier to drive with a pretty woman on board. Silly boy.
Cutthroat: Let me on too!
Master: You’re filth. The maggots of SOCIETY!
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Hacker: You know, I was expecting more bite from a boss!
Swindler: Huah! Quick, Hacker! The others need a hand!
Hacker: Eum! Crane game time!
Hoodlum: WAAAAAHHHHOH!
Courier: A little somethin’ for ya.
Master: Huaoh, eugh…
Swindler: Huoah! Cough! I can’t breathe!
Doctor: Eum!
Brawler: So what’d I miss? Who do I fight next?
{Text on sign: To Kanto: 3 Minutes}
Black Cat: We’re running out of time! This is our last shot! Quickly!
{Caption #1: Shinkansen}
{Caption #2: Carriage 1: Vault Car}
Swindler: There’s the door!
Hoodlum: Yeah, but how’re we supposed to open it?
Black Cat: Hacker, take care of it! Hurry!
Hacker: You love making me work, huh, kitty?
Swindler: Well, we got here.
{Text on screen: Locked}
Hacker: It’s not gonna budge without the right seal. And based on what I’m seeing, it’s gotta be a pretty special one.
Swindler: Uhn! You mean you can’t get in?!
Brawler: Looks like it’s up to me to pry this baby open with my–-uhawwwww…
Doctor: Yep, you do that.
Swindler: Is he all right?!
Announcer: One minute until Decontamination Zone.
(Swindler: Huah?)
Swindler: AAH, what do we do?! C’mon, any suggestions, people?!
(Announcer: Any organic material may be killed off)
Black Cat: Everyone. Thank you for your exceptional work. It’s time.
Swindler: Time for what?
Black Cat: It’s all right. The final piece to open the vault…is me.
Swindler: Ahuh…no, wait! Eeah! Uah…it’s a seal.
Hacker: I’m willing to bet that’s the key we need!
Hoodlum: Come on, hurry up!
Swindler: Uhehah, yeah, right! Huah! Ch–-children?!
Boy: Mission accomplished. You’ve done a marvelous job.
Recorder: 🎵Duuuuuummmmm🎵
Doctor: The train stopped.
Hacker: I guess everything worked out, just like the cat had implied they would.
Swindler: Hueah…who in the world…are you guys?
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Doctor: All done.
Hacker: How fascinating. So the two of you were our objective…
(Brawler: Hey. Good as new!)
Hacker: …all along. Go figure.
(Doctor: No, it was just first aid)
Boy: Yes, that’s correct.
Swindler: Sorry…is it just me, or do you and Mr. Kitty sound a lot alike?
Brother: Of course we do. After all, I was the one who was operating him.
Girl: Brother’s a very smart boy, you see.
Brawler: You guys have been rescued now, so guess that means the job’s wrapped up and we’re all good to go.
Hoodlum: HELL YEAH! I’M A FREAKIN’ BILLIONAAAAAIRE!
Swindler: Hueh…why are little kids being shipped off like goods to Kanto?
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{Caption: DEAD MAN WALKING}
Brother: These are coordinates pointing us to our destination. Expo Park.
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