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marigoldsinamber · 3 months

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The Devils on the Pew - Part 1

Summary:

Ned Flanders is a devil, a demon, Satan, whatever you want to call him. And his gorgeous wife is too.

They moved to Springfield with the idea of causing some trouble, earning a few souls, and having a little fun before they moved on. Their personas are perfect and their lives are comfortable but when they come up with an idea to seduce the local reverend and his wife, they don't expect to get into so much trouble. Or to actually grow this attached.

Ships: Devil!Ned Flanders/Reverend Lovejoy, Devil!Ned Flanders/Devil!Maude Flanders, Devil!Maude Flanders/Helen Lovejoy

Content Warnings: I suppose OOC for canon-Flanders but not for demon-Flanders.

Word Count: 3.3k

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

When a devil wanted to choose a town to live in for a couple of years, there were a few things they considered. Sometimes, they looked at the folk who lived there and decided they were wicked or greedy enough to fall prey to a demon’s bargain. Occasionally, they chose a place filled with idiots who’d never notice. Hell, sometimes they’d throw a dart at a map and get lucky enough to find a place with both.

And that was exactly what had happened when the devil found his way to Springfield with his beautiful wife right behind him.

Maude draped herself over his shoulders, sweet thing that she was, and gently kissed the corner of his mouth. Her tail swished through the air lazily as she smiled. “Bored, honey?”

“Undeniably,” he said with a dramatic sigh. “Why, it feels like years since I got somebody to sign a contract.”

“It was three days ago,” she teased. “Still, if you’re bored, we can find something fun. Do you want to drive somebody crazy again by following them around and singing? That makes so many turn murderous.”

She sounded so eager that he couldn’t help but laugh.

He’d chosen the right devil to stick by his side. The perfect combination of sweetness and danger, perfectly hidden beneath her acting skills. Why, if he didn’t know better, even he would think of her as a perfect suburban wife.

“Or you could always call the reverend again. Tell him you got a paper cut on your tongue and you think God’s punishing you.”

“Even that’s grown tiresome now I’m afraid. He’s started just giving me the most random verses for any problem.”

But it was tempting. This town gave him more entertainment than he’d bargained for with just about every fool you could imagine. A small nudge and they all fell into various sins without even a second thought. Even the sweetest of children hid dark desires and he’d really never felt more at home.

Unfortunately, even that wasn’t enough to keep him excited. He got awfully, maniacally bored with small temptations. Sometimes he just wanted to devour souls and wreak havoc upon the land.

There were footsteps on the landing and he hurried to hide his horns and goat legs as the children scampered around the corner. They weren’t demons. Maude had thought it would help their image to have a pair and honestly, he’d grown quite attached to the skittish boys.

“Daddy! Daddy! They’re throwing rocks at the windows again!”

He gritted his teeth, eyes narrowing as he heard the glass crack from the other side of the house. How he wanted to burn them all but punishing or, heavens forbid, slaughtering a few children would make them better behaved as a whole. The worse the kids were, the more everybody in town suffered.

Why, just the other day, he’d seen a few teenagers stealing an entire slushie machine from the convenience store.

He knelt down beside Rod and Todd and pulled them into a reassuring hug. “Don’t you worry about those boys, alright? I know they seem scary and intimidating now but remember, God will always protect us. You just have to have faith.”

They nodded their heads and buried their faces into his sweater before deciding by themselves to read a few pages of their bible. They hopped up to go find one and Ned wondered if maybe he’d made a slight mistake with how Christian he’d raised them. Certainly seemed more ironic with each passing day.

Maude smiled at him as he stood. “They’re so sweet.”

“Aren’t they?”

“I think we did a good job,” she said. “By the way, I’m going to our book club a little later so do you want to drop them off with a sitter? I made some sugar-free, flour-free brownies and everybody’s going to have to eat some to be polite.”

Ned chuckled. “You’re crueler than the devil himself, you know that? I can watch the boys though, so we don’t need a sitter.”

She smiled and playfully bumped her hip against his. “I was thinking that while I’m with my friends, you can take the reverend on a few errands with you. Helen really wants him to get out more.”

Ned laughed and agreed. The benefits from being from Hell ranged from easily terrorizing his favourite humans all the way to lower taxes. And he did love tormenting the town’s pastor who seemed to be getting more and more exhausted of him by the day.

He pressed a sweet kiss to her cheek before he disappeared with a puff, arranging for a sitter who could come watch the kids. It was a shame they had to drive there but on a street with the incredibly observant Helen Lovejoy and the paranoid neighbour who lived close to them, they needed to take the long route. He didn’t blame said neighbour though. Anybody would be jumpy with that many stolen goods in their home.

His sweater felt a little scratchy that day when they left the kids with a young demon who had nothing better to do and a healthy fear of him. It was the best way to know nothing would happen to the boys.

No demon wanted to experience his anger if his children got hurt.

Maude knocked and they waited patiently outside the Lovejoy’s house, both noticing the open window with sheets tied together that led from Jessica’s room. They exchanged glances but no words until Helen opened the door, her smile decidedly fake.

“Hi-diddly-ho, Helen,” Ned greeted. “Maude told me this book of yours is a real tear-jerker so I brought you all some tissues.”

Maude wrapped her arms tightly around Helen’s waist, hugging the other woman in greeting before she held out the platter. “And I brought my favourite brownies! I tried something new with the recipe this time.”

Helen smiled though the excitement didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Sugar-free?”

“Of course.”

Ned leaned down to give Maude a kiss on the cheek. “Have a good day, dear. I’ll be back around dinner time to steal you again.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “And good luck with everything. Are you sure you don’t want company or anything?”

“I’ll be fine-diddly-doo. You enjoy your book.”

Helen’s attention had been caught. She couldn’t resist digging for information, even if it turned out to be awfully boring. “Are you up to something fun today?”

“My mother’s coming into town so we want to get her a small gift,” Maude filled in. “Neddy wants to pick it out himself but you know, I always worry because he gets so flustered about this kind of thing.”

Ned chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I just want to make sure I get the right thing.”

Helen’s fake smile gave way for a real one as she had an idea. “Well, why don’t you take Time with you? My mother’s always coming over so he has plenty of experience and it’s not like he’s doing anything important today. He’s just playing with his trains.”

“Are you sure he wouldn’t mind? I’ve got to admit, I wouldn’t mind the help.”

“Of course, he won’t mind. Why don’t you come in while I fetch him?”

Maude smiled at him as she went to put her brownies down in the kitchen, giving him a small peck on the lips as she went past. The other guests hadn’t arrived yet. Ned had wanted to get there as early as was polite to make sure Helen helped them out.

If the reverend wasn’t able to go though, Ned had been eyeing out the mayor of the neighbouring town for a deal. Or if that fell through, Mr. Burns was always an easy target.

He could hear a faint argument and he stepped ever-so-slightly closer to listen without anybody noticing. Maude waved at him from the kitchen and he waved back, curious.

“Helen, we agreed that this would be my uninterrupted time with my trains.”

“But I already promised Ned you’d be willing to help and it would be great for you to get out for a while. What if the other ladies start feeling jealous that my husband is here? Next thing you know, Marge brings that awful Homer Simpson over.”

“It’s my house. I live here.”

“Do you have to be so difficult?”

“How am I meant to know what to buy his mother-in-law?”

“Get her the same thing you’d get for my mother.”

“Like poison?”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Ned chuckled and strolled back to the front entrance when Helen reappeared with a promise that her husband would be out soon. It didn’t take long for him to drag his way up the stairs with an expression on his face that suggested he might be praying for salvation. It was too bad that Ned’s existence blocked off a good amount of divinity.

“Howdidly doodily Reverend,” he greeted despite the glare it earned him. “It’s such a beautiful day, don’t you think? Just filled to the brim with opportunity.”

“Truly.”

Ned’s smile was blinding as he bid goodbye to the two ladies. He kept up a stream of near endless and useless chatter the entire time he drove. Reverend Lovejoy barely responded to him but Ned made sure to intersperse enough questions to ensure the man couldn’t tune him out entirely.

Ned already knew what he wanted as ‘gift’ but he made sure to walk around the store and contemplated just about everything before he came to the selection of Bibles and hummed in appreciation.

He picked out two near identical ones with close prices and stared at them, contemplating which to buy with occasional muttered opinion.

“Ned, I believe those bibles are exactly the same,” Reverend Lovejoy told him after about two minutes passed.

“There’s a two-cent difference in the prices though,” Ned said and pointed to the sign. “There must be something missing from the cheapest one. What if I buy it for my mother-in-law and it’s missing two cents of content. I don’t think I’d forgive myself.”

“Buy her the more expensive one then.”

“But what if they haven’t taken anything out of this one and have instead added stuff to it instead?” Ned asked, sure to sound panicked. “What if they added something to the text.”

Reverend Lovejoy stared at him blandly. “I sincerely doubt that would have happened.”

“The devil works in all ways,” Ned said. “I don’t know if I can take that risk. Could you read this one and tell me if there’s anything untoward in it before I buy it?”

“You want me to read through the entire bible right now? In the store?”

“Well, the way I figure it, if anybody’s going to know if there’s something hidden it the pages, it’ll probably be you.”

“You can also get her both and then if she finds something strange or missing from one, you just replace it.”

Ned tapped on his chin as though thinking about it. “That sounds like a mighty fine idea but I don’t know if I want a possibly butchered bible in my house at all. God has been a little more sharp-eyed as of late, especially after we flicked to the wrong channel the other day. You remember it right?”

“You did call about it.”

“I wonder if she read through the last bible I got her or if she only read part of it…”

“Have you ever considered getting her a different gift?”

Ned took his time looking around the shop. There wasn’t really anything else fun – just a few incorrect psalms etched into mugs and dishtowels. He’d love to get one for Maude’s mother but he didn’t know her favourite, he told the reverend.

Honestly, one day he should buy something like this for Maude’s mother as a joke. He could imagine how she’d laugh at the idea.

“Oh, this one is almost in the same shade of blue as the one you used last week,” Ned said, eagerly picking up a third. “But it’s a whole dollar more. Boy for that price, I’d be expecting a new verse toward the back, wouldn’t you?”

“Sure.”

“Which bible do you use for sermons?”

“I… can’t remember.”

They could always stop by the library and pick it up but Ned felt that would be a little too cruel for now. Instead, he put all three back and nodded his head. “We should go look at a few other stores to make sure we’re not being ripped off.”

“I really don’t think that’s necessary.”

“No, no, you have to be careful. No sense in wasting money.”

Meanwhile, Maude gasped politely behind her hand after Luann finished her rant about how she hadn’t finished the book because of her husband’s childish tantrums. It sounded as though getting remarried had ruined their relationship exactly like it had the first time. She couldn’t help but feel bad for that poor child of theirs.

“I thought things would be different this time but he’s just as much of a loser now,” Luann complained. “It’s so frustrating. I just want to strangle him sometimes.”

“Men never learn,” Marge said sympathetically and put a hand on her shoulder. “I can’t begin to count how many times I ask Homer to do things nicely and he ends up completely forgetting. He can’t even remember my birthday.”

“Not all men are like that,” Maude defended. “Ned is great about those things.”

Bernice nodded in agreement. “Julius too. The biggest thing we fight over is him wearing his doctor’s coat out all the time.”

“They also fight about her day drinking,” Helen whispered, leaning in close so only Maude could hear her.

Maude giggled. She’d wanted to be friends with Helen from the day they arrived in Springfield and she couldn’t help but be proud of the accomplishment. The woman had more power over the people in this town than most imagined. The fear of getting into Springfield’s gossip mill kept many on her side.

Maude took advantage of that. Neddy liked to torment through pestering and an ever-happy grin but Maude preferred a subtler approach. Nobody ever suspected she might be the way Helen found out so many private details.

After all, how could a regular person know what went on in their homes?

“Maybe we should have some of the baked goods?” she recommended to Helen. “I think everybody could use a bite of something sweet to help settle the nerves before we talk about the book.”

“Of course,” Helen said. “I cannot wait to taste those brownies.”

Such a lie. One day, Maude would make actual brownies and they’d all be hilariously surprised.

Helen grumbled under her breath when they entered the kitchen and immediately began snatching various catalogues off the counters. She shoved them into an overflowing drawer nearby with great effort. “I’m going to burn all of this nonsense one day,” she complained. “I keep telling Tim to leave his train stuff in the basement but he never listens.”

“It’s sweet he has a hobby though,” Maude mentioned and leaned against the table. “Neddy doesn’t really have anything like that aside from reading the bible.”

Maybe they should choose a more obvious hobby. She enjoyed having the reputation of being the bland, boring family in town, but eventually somebody might wonder what they do during the day and tormenting townsfolk never sounded good on record.

She did want to cause some ripples soon. Maybe she would fake her own death? If it wasn’t for the kids, she’d eagerly do it in a second. Imagine…

“At least reading the bible doesn’t send your electricity bill through the roof,” Helen griped.

“It can when Ned gets to a really exciting part of it and he just can’t stop turning the pages. Once, he stayed up the whole night without even realising.”

She should read the bible again to keep up her charade. She had no idea how Ned had managed to remember all those verses and passages when the most he did was flip through the pages in between signing deals and cashing in on them.

Helen sighed and took out a few large plates to put things out on. “It’s rather funny, don’t you think? We complain all the time about our husbands but it could be far worse. I can’t imagine living a life like Marge’s.”

Maude shuddered dramatically. “I feel so sorry for her.”

Although years of living alongside the Simpsons had helped her realise Homer wasn’t all bad, she still didn’t like the man much. His children were menaces also and she hated inviting the family over even when Ned asked her to.

“And Luann’s husband somehow managed to be even worse. I think he must have stalked her the entire time they were divorced.”

“That’s very sad,” Maude said though she didn’t mean it in a pitying way. “I feel so sorry for their kid. He probably needs far more attention than they give him.”

Helen scoffed and rolled her eyes. “It’s pathetic really. I don’t think Luann’s mentioned him once today.”

Maude did find it hypocritical for Helen to lecture anybody about not paying attention to their kids when her own daughter was far worse than any of the town’s hoodlums. Jessica wasn’t a bad child deep down but Maude had never gotten the opportunity to properly speak to the poor thing. She wasn’t often home or at events with her family.

Helen hadn’t mentioned her daughter either though she did leave one brownie in the tin, likely for either Jessica or Tim. Maude winced. She didn’t want to eat the things herself.

“He has a crush on Marge’s girl, Lisa,” Maude offered, providing enough gossip for Helen to be happy. “But from what Todd saw, I think she’s more interested in one of those crass boys who terrorise everybody.”

“Oh really?” Helen asked. “Gets her taste in men from her mother.”

“Obviously.”

Maude brought the cupcakes from Bernice and Helen carried out the brownies when she noticed the light in the basement had been left on. She mentioned it to Helen who quickly hurried down the stairs to turn it off, muttering the whole way.

Maude peered down curiously, only getting a brief glimpse of the massive collection of model trains before everything plunged into darkness.

“His collection has grown since I last saw it,” she commented to Helen. “It’s almost impressive.”

Helen rolled her eyes. “Of course, it has. It’s the real love of his life, don’t you know? The other day, I saw a receipt for flowers and I got so happy, only to find out they were fake miniatures for the grass next to the train. We haven’t been on a date in forever but he’s there every day.”

She was keeping her voice down to make sure nobody else heard. A lot of her superiority came from the idea of her life being better than the other woman she surrounded herself with. Maude had a strong suspicion she was the only one who knew about Helen’s true feelings surrounding her marriage.

And the more she thought of it, the more of an opportunity she saw.

“Maybe we should go on a double date,” Maude said. “We can do something we’ve never done before like go on a camping trip or a hike. Wouldn’t that be lovely?”

Helen’s eyes brightened at the promise. “Oh, I don’t camp but I do know where this lovely little log cabin is we can rent. It would be amazing! You could even bring the boys if you wanted to.”

“They’ll be so excited! They’ve been getting much better with nature lately.”

Maude watched Helen carefully for the rest of the day, appreciating how her expressions stayed neutral even when she was irritated or smug. She couldn’t even deny that Helen was quite pretty when you looked past the judgmental sneer.

When Ned picked her up, she had a plan in mind.

Tim looked awfully unimpressed as he marched back inside his house, rubbing his temples as though a headache had formed over the day. Three bibles sat on the front seat and she laughed and she put them in the back after they’d driven away. Ned’s day had been a stunning success it would seem and she was mulling over offering Luann a deal.

“I have a brilliant idea,” she cooed as they made their way home. “I thought about it while I was talking to Helen.”

Ned raised an eyebrow at her; the very edges of his horns were beginning to poke through and she laughed, pushing them back down. It usually meant he was using some of his more demonic forces to watch the road while paying attention to her.

“You know I love your ideas,” he said.

“The Lovejoys have been going through a rough patch in their marriage,” Helen said. “And I think we could help them out in a more… physically fun way.”

Ned chuckled almost demonically. She wouldn’t even run a contract by him so this must be something far more interesting. “And how will we do that?”

“I just think they could use another avenue to release their frustrations.”

He inclined his head to her. “Well, that does sound like the best diddly idea I’ve heard all day. So neighborly of you and I know your devilish temptations are strong enough to charm just about any man.”

Maude preened beneath the praise. She knew she had talent when it came to drawing men’s eyes to her but no, she had no interest in seducing the Reverend. He’d never been that interesting to her. Not like Helen was.

“I’m thinking more about his wife.”

“You want to seduce Helen Lovejoy?”

“I want to try,” Maude said. “I like her Neddy and I think it would be great fun. Her soul would practically be mine after that. She’d have to sign a contract rather than let it get out.”

He chuckled. “Now, you don’t have to lie and say it’s for a contract. If we get one out of this, all the better but you know you’re allowed to have your fun without stealing any souls.”

“And I want you to seduce her husband.”

There, Ned hesitated. He tilted the car’s mirror down to look at himself, wrinkled his nose and frowned. “I don’t know about that. Maybe if I’d chosen a better form but… not this one.”

Maude rolled her eyes. “Are you joking? You’ve taken your shirt off before, right? This form is delicious.”

“Maybe to those who like men but I don’t think the reverend of a church is going to let his gaze wander to me,” Ned said. “You, I think, might have a chance.”

Did she notice a hint of jealousy in his tone? Her attention hooked, she leaned forward to ask, “Do you find him attractive?”

Ned scoffed. “Obviously. Why do you think I bother him as much as I do.”

“Then why not try? If he’s not interested, you leave it to me and I’ll just swoop Helen right out from under him. Best case scenario, we end up with only one soul rather than two but I have some stories from Helen that suggest you might have a better chance than you think.”

He shrugged. “I suppose there’s no harm in it. We should try not to get our names too messy though. I don’t want to have to move towns.”

“I promise. I’m a very smart devil.”

Ned smiled proudly at her. “That you are and hey, I’ve always rather liked those collars he wears.”

This work was inspired by this absolutely stunning artwork:

#the simpsons fanfiction #the simpsons #the simpsons fanart #ned flanders #maude flanders #devil ned flanders #reverend lovejoy #helen lovejoy #flanjoy

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