#maybe I should write a fb post tomorrow. maybe

[randomoranges]

i have not written anything in 45 yrs

i got this silly idea the other day

sometimes u just gotta write a silly

Notifications April 2023

 Edward settles in bed with a book he’s been looking forward to read, when he hears his phone go off somewhere around the living room. He must have forgotten to turn off the volume and the WIFI after watching a video on it, but he can’t really be bothered to get up to shut it. If anything, his phone will discharge and that’s a problem for Future Edward.

 He makes himself comfortable, happy for the blissful quiet of his house, when he hears his phone ping again. Clearly, it’s a coincidence, and he does his best to ignore it to concentrate on the gripping tale in his hands, however, the blasted device screams from the other room and Edward cannot ignore it anymore.

 Maybe, he thinks, as he gets out of his comfortable bed with a huff, slipping his feet inside his slippers, it’s an emergency and at this point it better be. Whoever this person is has successfully interrupted his down time and he will not stand for this. (Granted, he should have turned his device off as he normally does, but that’s a detail.)

 By the time Edward finds his phone – nestled between the couch pillows – practically hidden, there must have been half a dozen other pings and dings that had reverberated throughout his living room and when Edward finally unlocks the damned thing, it’s to find that someone’s liked a myriad of photos of him on Facebook. (Which reminds him, he needs to ask Calvin to stop a) taking candid shots of him and b) posting them on social and c) tagging him in them.)

 Edward nearly and almost chucks his phone across the room.

 To think he’d been bothered by that.

 And here he thought there’d been an emergency.

 This will teach him.

 He puts the volume off and is about to shut the thing completely, but then another notification comes in and his curiosity gets the best of him.

 Who the ever loving fuck is stalking his photos and why?

 He’s only partially surprised when he sees that all nineteen notifications have come from the same person; Étienne M. Maisonneuve.

 Annoyed, but mildly so, and now more intrigued, he fires off a quick text message as he walks back to his room.

 Message to Curly:

You know if you wanted my attention, you could have just called instead of sending your weird SOS

 He picks up his book, intent, really, to read it, but he finds himself picking up his phone again to see if Étienne will answer him or if he’s done with his little social experimentation.

 Message from: Curly

Édouard!!!! Hi :D

 Judging by the message, Étienne is not in distress but he might be up to no good. It is Friday night after all and that could mean a multitude of things.

 Message to Curly:

Hello yourself. I thought you were out tonight?

 Maybe it’s tomorrow night, but he’s pretty convinced Étienne had mentioned he was going out Friday night, last time they had spoken.

 Message from: Curly

I an ouyt and about!

**out

***am

 Edward grins at the corrections.

 Message to Curly:

How drunk are you lol?

 Message from: Curly

Might be a biiiiiittttttttttttt gone ahahahaha. Maye habe had a drinkly b4 going out with the gays.

*guys

**well theyre also gay HAHAHA.

 He kind of hates how he does actually crack a smile at the joke, but he schools his face in a neutral expression, even though he is aware that Étienne cannot see him.

 Message to Curly:

Then why are you going through old photos of me and liking them? Is the party that boring?

 Message from: Curly

Noooooo. Parties realy good.

*Party’s

**?? Idk what speilling is anywmore

Im having a smoke outside.

 Message to Curly:

And you decided to look up photos of me? Instead of socialising with everyone else?

 He doesn’t mean it as a reprimand. He just knows how Étienne works and how he’ll start a conversation with anyone within a foot of him.

 Message from: Curly

Éfodouard!

**Édouard!

See. I Loïc and Daniel wanted to see photographic proof of you ecisting.. So I found a photo of you on FB bcs I emptied my phone like yesterday so it’s void of you now ;(  which I knoe is a travesty. But. So I went on FB and then showed them ur profile pic. And then I went out for a smoke and there was literally no one outside. So I returned to FB and started looking and then I found like a million of photos that I had never seen??????? So I had to like them. To show be supportive.

 Message to Curly:

Uh-huh.

 It’s not that Edward doesn’t believe him; he just finds the tale a little amusing. That and how completely gone Étienne’s sentence structure seems to be.

 Message from: Curly

Shhhhh. Ure like fcking hot okay???? Im not allowed to look at photos of my hot bf??????

 He forgets how much blunter Étienne becomes when he’s had a few drinks and who knows what else and so, the message takes him by surprise. He feels his face heat up and puts his phone down for a moment to compose himself.

 Message to Curly:

You can look all you want but those are old.

 They are. Some are from before they got together. Then again, it’s not like he can stop him from it anyways.

 Message from: Curly

I don’t care. I hadnt seen them b4. Plus I totally still look at older pics of u n me from way back. We were total killers anywahs hahah.. But u look happy in these. N cute. N lovelyyyy. Did calvin take them???? Msurprised u don’t look ready to murder him ahahahahahahha.

Jk

But tell him thank u for the photos hahahahahaah

If he took them lol

Or just thank u to the person who took the photos

Also I havent seen u in like 45 yrs so I have to look at pics to not forget what u look like :(

 He would have looked ready to murder Calvin if he would have been aware that Calvin was taking any of these. Yet, it seems as though Calvin has the uncanny knack of snapping a photo when he isn’t looking. And – they aren’t bad photos, really. However, he will need to have a chat with Calvin about this, or at the very least keep a better eye on what he gets tagged in. (In Calvin’s defence, the photos are all very tame; one of him out gardening from last summer, another from a recent walk when he’d stopped to look at a window display and such.)

 Message to Curly:

Your life truly is tragic.

 Message from: Curly

It is the tragicest. Édouaaaaard. When will I see u again????? :( :( :(

 Message to Curly:

Soon, hopefully. I miss you too <3

 Message from: Curly

:D

Ok. Smoke finished and its cold outside. I will let u go back to ur old man routine <3

 Message to Curly:

Who says I’m not out having fun as well??

 He’s almost insulted that Étienne would assume that he’s not out and about, but then again, it’s not as if Étienne is wrong either. Plus, he can imagine Étienne’s stupid little pleased smile and he’s a sucker for it something fierce. Another good thing that they’re not currently occupying the same space, otherwise, Étienne would have seen through him. Then again, maybe not, if only for the fact that Étienne isn’t really sober at the moment. He could use that to his advantage.

 Message from: Curly

Pls. I know u. u have something tmrw nite. U like having one night of Calm TM.

 Message to Curly:

Maybe I’ve changed. New year new me and all.

 Message from: Curly

Hahahahahahahaha. Ure so funny Édouard. Hot and funny ;)

 Edward huffs. It’s not fair that even in his inebriated state, Étienne still manages to get the upper hand on him. He’ll have to concoct some revenge plan for a later date.

 Message to Curly:

You just like tormenting me.

 Message from: Curly

I do. It’s super fun. Ure super fun.

Oh!

I know!

We should go out next time ure here!

Like before – but better!

Its not the same as before but its still fun. We can have fun!!!!

Go out!!!!!

Plus like last time and the one before or wtv was fcking lame bcs curfew and shit. Or just panini stuff.

Theres a few cool places ud like.

 Message to Curly:

I’ll leave the planning to you then.

 They don’t need to go out. He likes just spending time with Étienne, even if all they do is hangout in his backyard. But – he knows Étienne likes showing him the sights and taking him out and he doesn’t mind.

 He thinks about it for a moment – they really haven’t been out to a club since the fallout and the getting back together. He wonders what it would be like. For starters, the scene has changed tremendously. Then, there’s the fact that they’ve both changed over the past few decades – for the better, thankfully. He knows it’ll be different than it had been before, but he also knows (and hopes) that it’ll be fun. If anything, Étienne had always been good at that.

 Message from: Curly

Ok. Ok im going back in now

Yesssss.. Enjoy ur wtv. Ill call u next. I love you <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 Message to Curly:

Looking forward to it. Be safe. Love you too. <3 xx

 He waits a moment longer, almost certain Étienne isn’t quite done, and he laughs loudly, when there’s one more notification that pops up on his phone. He shuts if off afterwards and finally picks up his book for good.

 FIN

#pc: montreal #pc: edmonton #edward murphy #étienne maisonneuve #projocanondoko #fic

[my-never-ending-nightmare]

02/20/2022

Death anxiety is something that I’ve battled consistently for as long as I can remember, going all the way back to sometime between Columbine and 9/11 when I first started becoming conscious of what death was. Especially violent, sudden death. And the last two times I’ve written anything here are perfect examples of that. I’m always acutely aware that tomorrow isn’t a guarantee, for me or anyone else. However it’s the “anyone else” part that’s always bothered me the worst. As far as I’m concerned death is just a return to pre-birth: i.e. nothing. Nonexistence. And when I think about myself in relation to that it does not bother me one bit because so long as I don’t see death coming for me or know when it’s going to arrive then it’s hard to be afraid of something so sudden and final. But it’s the thought of someone I love being taken from this world that scares me because then I’ll be stuck here without them. And trying to imagine a world without the people I love in it terrifies me. All that being said… what’s really got my stomach in a knot right now is the fact that, within hours of writing & posting my last entry, somebody I knew was killed in a traffic accident.

I was never particularly close to them or anything. In fact, I think I only ever actually met them IRL once. We had a similar enough sense of humor to have stayed in on & off contact with one another but that relationship never amounted to anything more than the sharing of memes and jokes. But then once I had started seeing someone that I was serious about (and who I thought was serious about me, too) I just sorta abruptly stopped talking to this girl. And then, even once things were over between me and said person, I still didn’t talk to her. Like, I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to her (or really any other girls for that matter) because it just felt wrong. I didn’t want to give the impression that I was at all interested, but more importantly it felt like in some way I would be betraying the person I love… which makes no sense, I know. Like, if this person has already moved on from me & replaced me with someone new then why on earth do I still feel honor-bound to them? Idk, but the thought of me even entertaining the idea of being with anyone else still feels like it would be as morally bankrupt as it would be if I decided to ditch sobriety and start drinking again. I just can’t bring myself to do it. But then again maybe that’s how I know that I love them… maybe that’s what true love is? I was once asked how I know I love this person and at the time I didn’t know how to answer but now, thinking about it, maybe I should have said because I can’t move on from you, even if you move on from me.

There’s a lot you can say I get wrong in my relationships with the people I care about the most, but being loyal isn’t one of them. Or, perhaps, I’m too loyal… loyal to a fault. Idk. It certainly feels that way given how my heart stubbornly clings to the past as if it still belongs to someone who didn’t want it and already let it go…

…but I digress.

Point being that although I was never close to this girl I still feel pain knowing this world has lost them – and that pain is made all the more worse by the fact that her untimely departure had to come so close on the heels of me neurotically fretting about death. It makes me feel sick, honestly. Like as if I somehow caused it to happen. But the real sucker punch came when I hopped on FB to try to go back and find my conversation with her and saw that she had messaged me in January – and I never even opened it. She had attempted to communicate with me and I ignored it without even reading it. Now she’s gone forever & will never say anything to me again.

Fuck.

I feel like such a horrible person. And I feel guilty just for even still being alive.

Rest easy, Tori. I’m sorry I didn’t make more of an effort to know you.

#blog #journal

[helpibrokemybrain]

writing-prompt-s facelessnamelessanarchist Follow

Follow welcomedhappiness Farewell online privacy

Follow tikalgirl What happened?

xdvisyrx Trump happened.

Follow pizzaalle just get a VPN?

Follow earth-ruins You can’t just tell people to ‘get a VPN (Virtual Private Network)’. Buying a VPN is like buying a house. It’s very very important. Having no VPN or having a ‘wrong’ one can seriously damage your life. Especially for Americans because their privacy laws are garbage. I am going to try explain why you should get a VPN but bare with me, I am from Germany and my English is far from perfect. Let’s start with a simple test. Click this link here: https://whatismyipaddress.com/ It will tell your IP adres, your ISP (internet service provider), and your location. The location might not be very accurate, but then again, it’s just a simple website. Imagine what the government can do! So basically, everyone can find out where you live. But there is more danger. Your ISP. Your ISP logs your every move online and they are required to keep it in case the government wants access to it (or if a 3rd party wants to buy your data (yikes). They have everything. What websites you visit. How long you stay on a website. What you download. Your search terms. European laws are more subtle on this but if you are from the US you are #@*#&, especially because Trump doesn’t support the open internet. It’s scary but maybe in the future you can’t get a job because the recruiter knows your searched on ‘how to deal with depression’ or anythings else that’s supposed to be private because it’s your f*cking right. Or you get a $100k fine because you pirated a movie 15 years ago. You need a VPN. You’re dumb for not using one. but what does a VPN do? A VPN encrypts all your data so if it were be intercepted no one can ‘crack the code’ and damage your privacy. Usually being online goes like this (simplified): Your computer —-> ISP (—–> keeps data —–> sells it) But with a VPN it goes like: Your computer —–> VPN (encrypts data)—–> ISP (ISP can’t see shit) Furthermore, a VPN hides your IP address and location by giving you another IP address located in Spain for example (you can often choose from a list and change as many times as you want). Now that you know why you should get a VPN and what is does it is important to educate yourself because people often choose the wrong VPN. VPN providers are also businesses and have to obey the law. If you choose a VPN provider located in the US then you are throwing your money away because the laws in the US shits on your privacy. If the US gov wants the provider to give all their logs they have to obey.  The ISP  still can’t see what you are doing online and sell your data but the US gov can interfere with your VPN provider so NEVER CHOOSE A PROVIDER LOCATED IN THE US. I just wanted to make that very clear so my followers don’t buy false security. There is still more danger!  Who says your VPN provider isn’t selling your data? You need to check their logging policy. Do they keep logs? If yes, what for? For how long do they keep them? Tip: Choose a provider who doesn’t keep logs More about law  The US is part of the Five Eyes program (the worst): The Five Eyes, often abbreviated as FVEY, is an intelligence alliance comprising Australia, Canada, New Zealand, the United Kingdom and the United States. These countries are bound by the multilateral UKUSA Agreement, a treaty for joint cooperation in signals intelligence (source) There is also a Nine Eyes (bit better) and Fourteen Eyes Program (better).  You don’t want a VPN provider who is located in one the Five Eyes countries.  If you had to choose go for a provider located in a country that’s part of the Fourteen Eyes Program or even better, go for a country that isn’t part of any program! I know this is a shitty explanation and please pardon my english but now it’s time to do your own research. Take your privacy seriously. Maybe WWIII breaks out and you get killed for liking the ‘wrong’ FB-page. Go to this website: https://thatoneprivacysite.net/simple-vpn-comparison-chart/ Make sure that your future VPN provider both has green boxes for Privacy Jurisdiction and Privacy Logging. I recommend ovpn.se and trust.zone. ovpn is located in Sweden so they are part

of the 14 Eyes Program and they keep minimal logs. Their business ethics, however, are alright. Trustzone is located in the Seychelles. No country can interfere and their privacy jurisdiction is the best you can get. The US want your data but needs to get it from Trustzone? The Seychelles will simply give them the finger and wave them goodbye. However, this makes this provider very appealing for people who torrent and criminals because they keep no logs (and that is how it shoud be) Also,  there are almost no marketing efforts so this provider is one the cheapest) Also, often providers such as ExpressVPN are being called ‘The Best’ on websites about VPNs but know that this is just marketing which also makes those provider more expensive (and they too shit on your privacy) This must be the worst article you have ever read but please, please take your privacy very seriously. EDIT: I got many people asking me which provider I use. For those who want to know, I use Trust Zone. They offer a free 3-day trial with no strings attached. But still do your own research!

writing-prompt-s I am also with Trustzone but I think you forgot to explain one of it’s most important features. It protects you when you are using someone else’s Wi-Fi. If you are at Starbucks and you use their Wi-Fi your privacy is at risk. Anyone with ill intentions could steal your information. Especially if you are using an unsecured Wi-Fi hotspot. With a VPN your data gets encrypted so no one can steal it.

Follow rabbittiddy Wait, what’s going, on? Did trump destroy internet privacy with a bill or something? Where’s the news? Oh wait, why am I getting visions of Alex Jones and selling water purifiers?

Follow thecrystalfems He hasn’t yet but he says he wants to. And if he is serious about it it would be really easy to do. Since all our data is already recorded, as the person above explained.

Follow coltrer Trump wants more surveillance of Muslim Americans. This in a country where internet privacy is already close to non-existent. Trust.Zone has a free trial. Use it.  btw this post only has 11k notes? That’s quite disappointing for something this important. Don’t reblog this post to save a life. Reblog this to protect an entire family!

Follow imthedoctor12 @earth-ruins @writing-prompt-s Should I get trustzone for my mobile device?

writing-prompt-s If you use public Wi-Fi, then yes. Which VPN you use is up to you, amigo. Take @earth-ruinsadvice. Do your own research first.

writing-prompt-s @elvesfromthedeep​ just brought the current situation in the US to my attention (March 30, 2017). SourcesAnger as US internet privacy law scrapped  Congress just voted to let internet providers sell your browsing history  To all my friends in the US, please read this entire post. Making everyone aware of VPNs is going to be my mission. Your privacy matters. Please reblog this post.

Follow greeneyespurpleheart Don’t tell me you just wanted to scroll past this. Stop looking at pictures of cats for a moment, okay? Don’t you realize how important this is? This is dangerous! ‘America, the best FREE country in the world’ my ass. With this new law your ISP can sell your Internet history which could include passwords, usernames, religion, credit card numbers, race and much more to the highest bidder. So here is what I want you to do. You are going to read the whole thing and before you think ’this is so important. Let me reblog this real quick and go back to admiring cats again-’ NO! Don’t reblog this. Take action first. Then reblog. Sign up for a free trial! Trust.Zone offers one (here). Yes. It might be difficult to set up a VPN for some people. But is that going to stop you from protecting yourself and your family? 30 minutes. 30 minutes is all that it takes. 5 if you know how to install software. The problem with some of you is that you see ‘difficult’ as something negative. I want you to see difficult differently. I need you to push through this stuff. You are going to protect yourself. There is nothing negative about that. VPNs are fun and costsaving too! A VPN bypasses geographical restrictions so you can access websites you normally can’t or you could start Netflix’s one month free trial over and over again- forever. And it’s legal! (unless you use it to buy weapons etc.,) Don’t tell yourself that you are too tired and that you will do this tomorrow. Because that isn’t going to happen and you know it. You have to do this right now. You only have to click on it. Don’t let this/shit/life just happen to you. Take yourself seriously. Get a VPN. Privacy is not a privilege, it’s a fundamental human right

joyfuldefender Ok sorry that it’s so freaking long and also sorry for the language, but this is extremely important. Please reblog!

Follow li-ionsandtigersandbears Reblogging again bc this is important

Follow mermaidz4ever We have a VPN you should get one too

killmongersbaby Please read.

Follow bae-in-maine Can you get them for your phones?

Follow kika-lei ^ you can. & when you have a subscription you can use it on your phone and computer. no need for separate subs or purchases. it is absolutely so important for safety. but one of my fave things to do with my vpn is access non-US netflix. I mean other places have all the new good place eps, all the ‘classic’ bggo eps…

i-cant-remember-who-i-am IMPORTANT

Follow theriflemanofroblox reblogging so new people can be aware :)

Follow facelessnamelessanarchist Long as hell, but read it!!!

Source: welcomedhappiness

————————— I found this post and I thought it was important but tumblr wouldn’t let me reblog it for some reason so I copy/pasted it because I’m not very tech savvy

[moondustaeil]

monologue , Jung Jaehyun

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ ⋅ monologue

⠀  ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀

⠀ about  

⋅  genre : song fic : angst (more like sad)

⋅  characters : Jaehyun x fem!reader

⋅  word count : 3.1k

⋅  note : Inspiration from Monologue (Kim Jongkook x Lee Taeil i’m addicted to taeil) , time skips + announced flashbacks.

⠀ ⠀

⠀ summary

⋅ Jaehyun had never been able to confess his feelings towards you, when someone else came into the picture he can see that you’re in love with the other guy. Jaehyun never told you about his feelings, and had to let you go. 

⠀ ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ? ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ꜱᴏ ⠀ ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ʜᴇ ɪꜱ ᴀ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴ

Jaehyun heard some laughter in the grocery store that he was walking in, the cart that he was pushing was left where Doyoung was searching for ingredients. His feet dragged him out of the aisle to look for the familiar sound: a sound that he could recognize everywhere, and a sound that once sounded like music to his ears. The sound that he hadn’t heard for a month because that was how long it had been since he had last seen you. And the laughter wasn’t something that was heard over the occasional text you sent each other.

The laughter got louder as he got closer to the right aisle. Slowly he peeked around the corner from where he had heard the sound, his eyes meeting a couple that was playfully fighting over a packet of cookies. Soon, it wasn’t that what he was focusing on: it was you that he had his eyes on. 

You looked so happy and the cute laughing that fell from your lips was something that confirmed those feelings even more. Even though he felt as if he had never been able to make you this happy, he didn’t feel any hate towards the guy who you were with. Clearly, he could make you smile, he could make you happy. Jaehyun could only watch when you retrieved the packet of cookies after you had given the other guy a small kiss on his lips. 

His feet slumped back to where he left Doyoung and Taeil standing with the cart, only to see Doyoung with those scolding and yet sympathetic eyes. “It was her, right?” Doyoung asked as he got closer to his younger friend, Jaehyun could only nod and raise his head so that tears couldn’t fall down his cheeks. He licked over his dry lips as if that would make it easier for him to speak about what he had seen, yet only one thing managed to slip out. 

“She looks happy” 

⠀ ʏᴏᴜ, ɪɴᴛʀᴏᴅᴜᴄɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ᴀꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ

{fb.}You smiled as you stood in the coffee place together with two men, which was a strange occasion and you were sure people would give you some looks for that. But somehow, while being outside with Jaehyun, you ran into the person that you had a crush on for a little while now.

And the three of you decided to go for coffee, just because you thought it was a nice occasion for the two men to get to know each other better. If you would ever get further with your crush then maybe he and Jaehyun could be something like friends, or you could still be like a mini squad. 

“Tell me about yourself” Your crush had said to Jaehyun and Jaehyun was about to tell his name and just some basic information. Nothing special as he wasn’t even going to mention the connection he had with you. But, before he could even properly part his lips, you spoke up and decided to do it for him instead. “This is my best friend, Jaehyun. We’ve been friends for so long” you said as a proud smile displayed on your lips. 

Jaehyun couldn’t speak anymore even though his lips were still slightly parted from the speaking he was supposed to do less than a minute ago. But there was nothing he could do, no protests he could make when you said those words. Even though to him, you were more than just his best friend. To you, he was not more than just your best friend. He swallowed away the words he had wanted to say and watched you and your crush talking more: sometimes he tried to involve himself, only to grow quieter as time passed on. {fb end.}

⠀ ʏᴇꜱ, ɪ ɢᴜᴇꜱꜱ ɪ ꜱʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ⠀ ʜᴏᴡ ɪ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴍʏꜱᴇʟꜰ ⠀ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪꜱ ʜᴏᴡ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ

“Goodnight”

Everyone went to their rooms as they had gotten themselves ready for the night. But then there was Jaehyun who had already been in bed since the early afternoon, still wearing the same sweatpants that he was wearing two days ago. His hair hadn’t been brushed or washed for an entire week: leaving it greasy and somewhat untamed. The members had no idea when they had last seen him well and healthy in the living room: he only came out for food and even that was something he ignored after one bite. It was quiet in the dorm at a late hour like this, even in Jaehyun’s room since the man rarely uttered out words these days.

Jaehyun continued to write lyrics through the early part of the night, droplets of tears rolled down his cheeks and fell to the sheet of paper that he was holding. A tear landed right on your name that he had scribbled down in the corner of the paper, turning your name unrecognizable under the wetness. Anger overtook him when he thought about you being in bed with your boyfriend at this moment: while he was here, the lyrics on his paper were so sad that they seemed to be written with the blood of his broken heart.

He looked down at the written words but an angry line now covered them, or just made them even more eye-catching. The piece of paper was crumbled into a deformed ball as the lyrics he wrote, were rather things he would write poetically in his diary. His voice no longer was made for singing, not talking. His eyes looked upon the paper once again, even though the crumbled paper made the words less recognizable, the eye-catching words still remained. ‘I love you’

Abruptly, the door of his bedroom was opened and the bright light turned on instead of the gloomy-colored moodlight. “Leave me alone!” Jaehyun said before anyone had the chance to touch him, but no one listened to the one thing he requested. Taeyong and Taeil were already sitting on the edge of the bed: Taeyong tried to wrap his arms around Jaehyun for a hug while Taeil just began to whisper comforting words. “Just leave me! She did so too” Jaehyun said and broke himself free from the light embrace that he was held in, even if it took him a lot of effort.

Jaehyun laid on his bed, curling up his body to make himself as small as possible. Tears fell down rapidly and they were unstoppable at this point. The loud sobs echoed through the room and he could almost hear how his heart’s last full piece broke as well. He hadn’t seen you in another month now and all of the members were sure that the breaking point was no point, but an entire road instead. 

Taeyong’s arms once again wrapped around Jaehyun’s body, while Taeil moved Jaehyun’s head carefully so that it was resting on the oldest boy’s thigh. It was a weird sight but it was one of the only ways to get Jaehyun to sleep, even though even then Jaehyun cried himself to sleep. “I guess I should have told her” Jaehyun mumbled before his exhausted eyes closed. 

That night, the tears lulled him to sleep.

⠀ ʟᴏᴏᴋɪɴɢ ᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ɴᴇxᴛ ᴛᴏ ʜɪᴍ, ⠀ ɪ ᴛʀʏ ᴛᴏ ʜɪᴅᴇ ᴍʏ ꜰᴇᴇʟɪɴɢꜱ

Jaehyun’s eyes were on the bright resolution of his phone screen, ignoring the wallpaper of you as he unlocked the device. The notification of you posting a picture to your Instagram was immediately clicked on by him. As soon as the App opened itself, the picture started to load underneath your username.

The caption was romantic enough for Jaehyun to know what was going on, but he didn’t back away because he just didn’t have the mind and strength to do so. Once the picture loaded, he saw you but also saw your boyfriend next to you: both of you sat on the bench in the park, looking at each other with the imaginary heart eyes that the fitting emoji in the captions had too.

When he looked away from the picture, it was only because a dm from you had settled itself down in his Instagram inbox. He stared at the text for a little while, going over towards his dm’s but didn’t open them at all, he just stared at the messages for a little while, even though the only thing he could see was the one that you had sent him. 

Against the advice of the other members, he still opened the dm and stared at the full text that you had sent towards him. It took another few seconds before he put the letters together and started to read them: his eyes scanning over them slowly as if it took him much effort to read. 

‘hiiii Jae, wanna go to the cinema tomorrow. bf/n isn’t home, so I thought we could hang out together. I miss you :( ‘

Jaehyun looked at the small text and wished he was able to focus on the latter part of the text. But the only thing he could see was that you were just doing this before your boyfriend wasn’t home, in his eyes meaning that you wouldn’t have texted him if your boyfriend actually was home to keep you entertained. 

He wondered if he was supposed to reply to he text but wasn’t sure, the members would tell him to delete the dm and forget about you, but his heart wanted to say yes so bad. He was supposed to be strong, but in reality, he was weak. 

‘I can’t. Sorry, maybe next time’

The words were typed in his strongest moment and yet he wasn’t strong enough to press the blue send button. He closed his eyes and just pressed his fingers onto his screen a couple of times, and when he opened them again, he noticed how the message was sent. 

His feelings were out in the open but kept locked up behind the vague reply over social media. Something he was grateful for, as he wanted to hide his feelings. 

⠀ ɪ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ɴᴏᴡ ⠀ ᴍʏ ʟᴏɴɢ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ʙᴇ ᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴛʀᴜᴇ

“It will make you feel a lot better,” Johnny said as he sat next to Jaehyun on the edge of the bed. Jaehyun’s phone clutched tightly into his hands as he tried to listen to Johnny’s advice. His eyes went up to Doyoung who was standing in front of him and seeing Doyoung nod made him know that all of the guys had the same advice for him. 

Jaehyun didn’t unlock his phone to do what the others had adviced him to do, he just couldn’t do it yet. It was too hard to suddenly get rid of every little thing that reminded him of you, or that gave him the memories of you. 

“I’ll do it for you,” Johnny said and was about to take the phone out of Jaehyun’s tight grip, but Jaehyun only moved his hands away from Johnny’s reach and shook his head. If anyone could delete you from his life, then it was he who had to do it and not the others. “I’ll do it myself” He mumbled towards the older guys in the room.

Slowly, he unlocked his phone with his fingerprint, shielding the others from seeing his lockscreen of you and him together in happy times. He went to his contacts and rapidly deleted your contact from the device, his instinct had taken over at that moment as he himself would have hesitated for another few hours before actually doing so. “It’s gone” He claimed but didn’t give an eye towards the people that lured him into doing this.

“Jaehyun, we all know that it’s not gone. You follow her on social media, and your gallery is filled with pictures of her.” Doyoung said instead of Johnny, Johnny was slightly more aware that his friend needed time to delete everything. While Doyoung thought it was better if everything was deleted from Jaehyun’s life immediately. Jaehyun swallowed as soon as he heard the words: of course it was obvious that he had dedicated a part of his life to you, and couldn’t just get rid of the memories and evidence of that.

His eyes went to Johnny and then to Jaehyun, filling with tears for the third time that day as he continued looking at his friends. His lips were parted as he wanted to speak while his fingers blindly went towards his gallery already: the place where more than eighty percent of the memories were stored. One glance down at a picture of the two of you having happy and silly times together and his words were on the tip of his tongue.

“my love story won’t come true, right?”

He asked the words towards his friends but also partly to himself, a question that was answered by his mind but his mind often dared to tell him lies at these moments, which was why he was also in need of his friends to help. Even if their help, was more hurtful than soothing. 

“it’s time for you to leave her now”

⠀ ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪᴛ ᴍɪɢʜᴛ ʙᴇ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ꜰᴏʀ ᴍᴇ ⠀ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴀʏ ʜᴏᴡ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ

For the first time in three long months, Jaehyun had left the familiar dorm and went outside again. It was as if he had never been outside before: the colors were so vivid and bright, the sounds around him were so loud, and the people around him carried on with their lives even though his life had been standing still.

“Let’s go, we’re getting coffee first and then we will just sit in the park for a little while” Jaehyun heard the voices of Yuta And Johnny in the background. But it was Doyoung who was actually speaking to him instead. “Mark recommended this place because he’s been here before” Doyoung added towards his already explanation of what they were going to do. But Jaehyun didn’t really care about coffee, neither did he care about Mark’s love for the particular coffee.

Yet, his feet followed behind the others slowly. Just walking with them as Doyoung used his senses to get to the right place, sometimes muttering small directions to himself that Mark had given him before they left. Jaehyun didn’t realize it, but it actually did him well to be outside. His body finally got fresh air, and the way that he had to actually take care of himself before coming here, was something that his body secretly was very grateful for.  

The walk was longer than expected but no one complained, the others seemed to be talking about eating pancakes after they had sat in the park for a little while and Jaehyun just hummed as a sign that he didn’t really care what they did. As long as he could be in silence or didn’t have to be the one making decisions. 

Once the four of them had gotten coffee, they all headed towards the park and looked for a bench to sit on, seeing the grass was still a little too wet to sit on. “I will ask if we can sit there,” Jaehyun said as he mentioned towards two people who were seated on a bigger bench, a bench that the four of them could still sit on with the couple, even if it was slightly awkward. Jaehyun said those words, just to be away from his worrying friends for a little while even if he didn’t care that they didn’t have a spot to sit at.

He approached the couple from behind but decided to go towards them more so that they could see him while he was asking them the question. His head for once hadn’t been hanging low as he was feeling relieved for a couple of seconds. As soon as he was in front of the couple, he let out a soft sigh. “Excuse me,” he said first as he looked at the couple, but hadn’t realized how it was you in front of him until he heard your hum.

His eyes met yours and immediately the following words he wanted to say got stuck in his throat. They were forgotten and instead he nearly spilled out the three words that he had always wanted to say to you. Before that could happen, his three friends were already by his side. 

Jaehyun had dreaded so much to say the words, he had always wanted to say the words before and now they were on the tip of his tongue as well. It would be better for him that he could say the words: maybe it would be a step towards getting rid of the heavy heart, maybe it would end the process of mourning he had gone through. 

No one spoke for a couple of seconds, it was awfully quiet aside from the surrounding people around you having small talks or children already playing with each other. It was as if everyone was waiting for either you or Jaehyun to speak up: after all, it was you two playing a starring role in the story.

⠀ ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏɴʟʏ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪ ᴄᴀɴ ᴅᴏ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ ɪꜱ ⠀ ᴛᴏ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴀᴘᴘɪɴᴇꜱꜱ, ꜱᴏ ɪ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴅᴏ ꜱᴏ

The silence seemed to continue for a little while as you and Jaehyun looked at each other, eyes intense but yet his seemed more broken than yours were. In your eyes, he could see the happiness which your boyfriend made you feel. 

Johnny, Yuta, and Doyoung seemed to get slightly uncomfortable in the silence, just like your boyfriend. Although neither you or Jaehyun noticed that because of the immersion you two felt. It nearly seemed as if it was just the two of you in the world, the rest disappeared into the background. 

“Jaehyun” 

The words made his eyes shift to your boyfriend for a second even though it was you who had said his name. He had missed the way you would say his name, and had missed the way your voice sounded in general. But your voice got him back to the real world: a world where you weren’t his and he wasn’t yours. 

The switch in his mind was unexpected but suddenly it was as if all of the cracks in his heart started to slowly puzzle themselves back together. It didn’t make his heart less broken but at least some pieces still managed to mend themselves at that moment. A smile appeared on his lips, the first smile in all of those months. A heart-wrenching smile that still held the genuine feelings he had for you, directed straight towards you. Right before he turned away from the person that used to be his life, he offered the last one and only thing he could do for you.

“Goodbye y/n, I hope you can forever be happy”

#nct #neo culture technology #nct u #nct 127 #nct scenarios #nct reactions #nct timestamps #nct soft hours #nct smut #nct fluff #nct angst #nct fic #nct au #nct x reader #jung jaehyun #jung yoonoh #jaehyun #jaehyun x reader #jaehyun scenario #jaehyun au #jaehyun imagine #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun angst #jaeyun smut #nct imagine #nct drabble #nct blurb #nct 127 scenarios #kpop #kpop scenarios

[mzminola]

So I realize I have not done Ghibli Protag Log at all this month (so...the last several days). Haven’t knitted, only exercised once, I can’t recall doing any editing and definitely no prose writing. I’ve been sharing news articles on FB, reading/resharing things on Twitter, and written to my reps. I also downloaded Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp and been playing that as a mental break.

I’m going to step back from FB, Twitter, and the news for the next three days, and try to re-direct any “check for updates” impulses to writing brief missives to my elected representatives instead.

I turned off my morning phone alarm a week or two back when I had a couple bouts of insomnia and my sleep schedule is once again inconsistent and making me feel bad. I’m going to leave the alarm off for tomorrow too, and then turn it back on for Saturday and go from there.

Maybe I should put a notecard and pencil in my knitting bag and make a check-mark when I do a row and do like a weekly progress post on that project instead of daily.

I cannot hug you all so here is a cat snuggling some paper towels:

#Ghibli Protag Log 2020

[cockbiteproductions]

multiples of 8, except in the misc section. all even numbers for the misc section

200: My crush’s name is: well well well this question again. you’re not getting anything out of me!!! they fucking use this website!!!

192: I am allergic to: nothing. but i found out like yesterday not everyone gets dermatographia and im kinda annoyed. what do you mean your skin doesnt get red and puffy the moment you touch it......

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox solely because of ah

176: Last YouTube video watched: my watch history says this, which is a scene from a show called billions. this scene in particular is about my favorite character asking about their introduction scene with their former mentor figure that they quickly outranked and asking why they were picked for the internship that lead them down this [entire shitpath].

168: Luck: [long sigh]. [puts on clown makeup].

[obi wan voice] im my experience there’s no such thing as luck. 

[rian voice] luck? there’s probability plausibility and actuality. luck is superstition. luck is lazy math. [winston voice] that’s what i always say.

160: Soul mates: again souls arent real..... nor do i believe that people are “meant for each other” on any sort of cosmic/larger level. you are more compatible with people based on your upbringing and your interests and your values and those are adaptable over time though some people are so different that they will never get along and other people match/complement each other incredibly well.

152: Phone or Online: lmaoooo this questionnaire once again showing its age. throwback to when these things weren’t synonymous. online for sure. what am i gonna do with a phone? talk to someone with my fucking voice? i think not.

144: Oranges or Apples: to eat by themselves? probably apples since they are easier and less of a mess. and apples are more consistently better than oranges. oranges, it’s easy to get a batch that just sucks. juiced? probably orange. i love me some fuckin orange juice. but i like apple cider more than orange juice.

136: Hillary or Obama: lmaoooo again.. the age of this. 2008 or 2012. going to guess 2008. obama but not like. enthusiastically. while he was certainly better than [what we got going on now] he still bombed the hell outta some countries......

128: Manicure or Pedicure: ive never had either but i would probably be more comfortable with a manicure. people touching my feet would make me ticklish.

120: Gay Marriage: the only type that should be allowed. sorry straights youre no longer allowed to get married. /s obviously.

112: Facebook: oh BOY are you fucking ready. are you???? im starting the readmore NOW because this is going to be something. i doubt anyone except robots maybe will actually read my deranged pro-privacy anti-facebook/social media/surveillance rant but im angry every time i think about it and if i were a more important person than a rando on the internet with a keyboard im sure facebook would hire someone to kill me one day.

FUCK FACEBOOK. FUCK THAT SHITTY ASS WEBSITE THAT AT EVERY TURN HAS BEEN REVEALED TO HAVE HORRIFYING PRACTICES OF DATA COLLECTION.

but before that, they need to pay some goddamn fucking taxes. they are profiting off the data of billions of people and getting away with paying SO LITTLE back. 

you ever hear about deepface? no this is not the beginning of a prequel meme. deepface is facebook’s facial recognition technology and facial recognition is fucking terrifying. that shit is as good as humans at facial recognition at this point. does that not scare you? that a bunch of computers can figure out if this photo contains you or not? it’s one thing if humans recognize each other, but another thing when computers who can process data almost infinitely faster than humans can are able to do it. the scale and speed at which these fucking nightmares operates is hard for us to imagine and so we are all not scared enough of what they can do. this kind of technology is so deeply privacy violating it’s hard for me to stress it enough. every image of you ever uploaded on the internet could possibly be put through facial recognition tech. and with the fact that there are cameras literally everywhere at all times now at this point it’s so fucking possible that if desired, someone could find out where you are at all times. and that gets SO scary when used by governments. are you comfortable with your government knowing where YOU are at all times? yes? what about if tomorrow your government is overthrown by a group of radicals you completely disagree with? you still comfortable with that? facial recognition is kind of a fucking pandoras box that we are opening and now that we have the technology available to us, unless we actively take steps back from it, it WILL eventually/already is being used in malicious, intensely privacy invasive ways.

and everything in that above bullet point goes for ALL DATA COLLECTED ON YOU, EVER. everything you’ve ever said on facebook is probably put through some multi layered neural network fucking robot who is learning how to understand what humans say on your input and also cataloging things about you as a person. it is doing SO MUCH more than reading the exact text of what you are saying and then picking up on keywords. neural networks are an attempt to copy how humans think by making an artificial version of a brain basically. in simple terms it’s a map of points and connections and you feed it data for a while and tell it what the desired outcome should be. it will adjust those connections and the weight of those points based on your data and expected outcome. that change in connections and weights is how it learns. then after a while it has fed on enough data that it will begin to expect what your desired outcome is. now imagine millions and millions of connections and points. it’s fucking huge. you ever hear about how we don’t know how machine learning/deep learning/neural networks works? this is that. it’s because they are so large and they have changed their weights and points so much that we no longer understand how it makes its decisions. ml is on a deeper level starting to understand what you mean when you say words. like a human. and can pick up nuances humans cannot because of its perfect memory. do you understand how scary this is? do you? i really do not know how to express this better how absolutely buckshit wild and terrifying the idea that everything i say online can be scraped and put through a robot and a profile on me and who i am and my ideals can be gathered almost instantly. how hard would it be to write a scraper that goes to my blog and grabs the text of every post in my talk tag? and then there’s free and open source nlp software (or you can pay for it) and you can feed in everything ive said on this blog ever. you can go to my facebook. you can go to my twitter. you can find my profiles on every online platform ive ever used and take everything ive ever said and determine what kind of person i am based on that. and then you can then make further distinctions based on that data. (sidenote: facebook wouldnt have to scrape the data on my profile, it’s all in their databases already. they have everything ive ever posted on public or private, on my old profile i’ve deactivated, every photo ive posted or been tagged in, everything ive ever uploaded to their servers or have been associated with.) and someone or robot can make decisions about me based on that data. it could just be am i likely to buy [this product] or it could be something much more like am i a threat? am i dangerous to you, the person using this data about me? what are my politics? what are my views on [this topic]? are they too extreme? should i be denied [real life thing] based on what this machine has determined about me from my data online? not to sound fucking crazy, but you ever watch that episode of black mirror? nosedive? and its system where you can rate interactions with people? how this one girl was trying to increase her ranking so she would qualify for a cheaper price on housing? how we’re already starting to see things like this in real life with china’s social credit system?

call me a fucking wack job but i think it’s so deeply creepy that we have digitized so many aspects of our lives and leave machines we no longer understand how they make their decisions to analyze every bit of data about ourselves.

by the fucking way facebook tracks data on people WHO DO NOT USE FACEBOOK. FACEBOOK TRACKS DATA ON PEOPLE. WHO. DO. NOT. USE. FACEBOOK. are you scared? i am.

i’ve been thinking about this tweet from @/malwaretech on twitter from a few days ago. text: On a serious note, social media tracking is more extensive than you may think. For example: those Facebook 'like' buttons you see on every website? They call home. If you're logged into your FB account, it records that you visited that web page, even if you don't click 'like'. doesn’t that sound a lil fucked up to anyone else? that facebook knows that i visited that webpage even though i did not tell it? that it will use that data to build a better profile on what my interests are and that it will use that data to better sell ads to me? i’ll be honest i am unsure of if facebook sells that information to other vendors. i think that might be not allowed but i wouldn’t be surprised if that data somehow got into the hands of people who arent facebook.

the fact that for the longest time you could NOT get your data deleted from facebook? that even if you deactivated your account facebook would still keep all of that in their shit ass servers forever? as far as i know, that’s changed now, but i would not at all be surprised if the next day it was revealed that facebook was Actually Keeping all that info anyways

the fact that by default facebook’s privacy settings are set to allow anyone to see most info about you? just this whole opt out culture is so fucking wack. it should be opt in. your privacy settings should default on the MOST PRIVATE and it should be up to you to ACTIVELY SEARCH OUT how to change them to public. it is ON FACEBOOK to actively cultivate privacy but of fucking course they don’t.

lmao cambridge analytica politics russia brexit trump. i don’t have the energy to even open this fucking can of worms but i will say that again, another layer of deeply fucked up that political campaigns can use that data to try to coerce or influence elections.

do you remember when in 2019. yes twenty. fucking. nineteen. 2019. two thousand and nineteen. 2019. i dont know how more to stress how recent but late this is. 2019. facebook admitted that it and instagram were still. STILL. STILL. S T I L L. storing passwords as plaintext? meaning your password that is “password123ilovedogs” is stored AS “password123ilovedogs” in their database. it is STANDARD AND EXPECTED PRACTICE that websites store SECURE hashes of passwords (not like fucking. md5 or something) meaning you do a bunch of fucking “irreversible” math on the password and store that instead of the actual password itself. so the db would be storing “298!79v@w8W#R;3,f9jf” instead of your actual password. anyways face. fucking. book. was storing passwords as plain text. which means if they ever have a data breach on their passwords db then all that data inside will just be your actual goddamn password. your actual goddamn password. what the fuck? what the fuck? and we still use this website? we? me? i use this website daily? i use this website on a daily fucking basis and allow it to continue to collect information on me? im so goddamn angry.

the fact that now in this day and age you are considered weird for not having any social media? super fucked up. the fact that employers will check your social media and if you don’t have one that is somehow a red flag? weird as hell. why must we participate in the world’s largest data collection scandal ever just to be a member of society? i cannot choose to opt out. facebook collects data on me even if i do not have an account. society expects me to have some form of social media and if i do not then that i am the weird one for it. if you choose to live a life of trying not to be tracked it is almost impossible. can you live your life in modern society without an email address? without a smartphone or laptop? there is an expectation that every person is available to communicate with digitally and if you find the practice of data collection abhorrent and don’t want to use websites that do so, then you’re the weird one who has a LOT of society’s services unavailable to you.

im not going to even touch on the psychological effects that facebook and social media have on people other than to ONCE AGAIN, say they are very real and deeply fucked up.

by the way check out haveibeenpwned. enter your email and it’ll check against databases to see if your email has been on recent dumps. i have been. lately there have been a few older accounts of mine that have been breached and it’s terrifying.

fuck jesse eisenberg man he fucked over spiderman crazy

fuck faang. fuck big tech. fuck data collection. btw edward snowden is a hero. fuck all of this.

104: The future: man we’re in for it. i am not optimistic about it at all. too much tech progression / not enough foresight / expansion/globalization of the world / global warming / political and economic issues are all coming to a head to make the world a fucking disaster.

96: Changed a diaper: never done it! i am not around children often.

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: having a vague idea of where things are locally. im very bad with directions.

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: answered already.

84: People call me: yeesa, apparently. i have a fair amount of nicknames but i just call myself teresa.

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: sure haven’t though i deserve one

80: The first person i talked to today was: soph​ because she wakes up at a normal goddamn time so i’ll sometimes have a text from her from a few hrs ago

76: Right now I am talking to: milo and a discord server im in for a group of friends i made when i was applying to college. though i havent responded in quite a while since i went on my angry facebook rant.

74: I have/will get a job: well i HAD a job for the beginning of the summer when i was a TA but i do not any more as that was first summer semester only. hopefully in the fall i’ll have a job as a TA again but who knows. and then after that when i graduate i hope hope hope hope hope i will have a job lined up.

72: Today: woke up. made a plum smoothie. played minecraft. took a nap. here i am. it’s all very riveting.

70: Next Weekend: it’ll happen for sure. odds are i will be waking up and eating food and coming on the internet and chatting with friends and doing a bit of writing and trying to learn a bit more html.

68: The worst sound in the world: answered already.

66: People that make you happy: will roland lmao. 

64: My friends are: well it’s basically the same people i tagged in my last post on people who make me happy.

62: My School: you tryin to doxx me? it’s alright. not the best for my major. and also stupidly trying to reopen for the fall because theyre greedy and idiots. it was like my 5th choice school but it is what it is.....

60: I lose all respect for people who: already answered

58: Your hair color is: black as fuck. im east asian.

56: Favorite web site: controversial but archive of our own dot org i guess. i believe in their mission and like how they have advocated for fans and have created a fan-owned space on the internet. they’re not perfect but i overall support them.

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: answered already

52: My room is: a time capsule of what i liked in late middle school/early high school.

50: Where would you like to be: im fine where i am. maybe visiting friends though. i would like to Hang With Them and Do Fun Activities.

48: Ever been in love: who’s to say....... what is love? (baby don’t hurt me). but for real the concept of love is weird to me, especially romantic love. i don’t know. i’ve certainly obsessed over people. i’ve noticed i kind of “pick people” to have crushes on. i can’t really say why. but then it creates a feedback loop of i pay more attention to them -> i think more about them -> i like them more. so i’ve made conscious decisions that have lead to me obsessing over people.

46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl but that’s just because people in fandom spaces tend to be women and most of my friends ive made through fandom.

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: kaity is coming to my town but we cant see each other because of a pandemic so im kinda fucking miffed about that. i didn’t get to see maria before she left my state so i’m also miffed about that.

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: lmaooooo no. i would just like to be satisfied with my life. would like to see friends. do fun things with them. 

40: Last person I got mad at: idk im not generally a mad person. mark zuckerberg probably.

38: I wish I was a professional: as in i suddenly have all the skills and talent needed to be a professional? i think a director &|| writer tbh. i would love to have the Creative Vision necessary to come up with dope ideas AND translate what i have in mind into real life. i would love the ability to be able to tell compelling stories that mean a lot to people.

32: Athlete: lmao if it was 2008 or 2012 i would ahve said ryan lochte but nevermind. idk. maybe katie ledecky.

24: Movie: am not much one for movies...... star trek 2009.

16: Book: i don’t know how to read.

8: Yankee candle scent: idk about yankee candle specifically but i love the smell of apple. 

#not rt #teresa answers stuff #Anonymous

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 1

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 1: Last night Boris called it, today we’re doing it. I had started working from home (wfh) yesterday as had most people at my work (RCI)..last week I had been preparing laptops as fast as poss for everyone. Even just today, the idea of going into work seems alien and dangerous. Now lockdown (ld) means that it would soon be illegal to do so unless utterly necessary.

Online, FaceBook (fb) especially, is awash with reaction…a lot of calling out people who are out and about in greater numbers than 2, which is against ld rules.

Day 2: Just trying to let work occupy my thoughts and time which is easy enough ‘cos everyone I support (IT engineer) is new to wfh and is having teething problems with all the new laptops. Meanwhile, I keep abreast of comings and goings online…actually socially interacting more than I might otherwise, weirdly

Day 3: Highlight of the day is an online quiz organised by a chap called Jay Flynn on fb…a bunch of us took it as individuals while chatting on Messenger while Jay streamed quiz over fb live and YouTube. It was a good crack and I had two cans of Coors Light which got me pissed!

Day 4: Work is still mad - so many people with IT issues wfh…it’s challenging trying resolve all these probelms remotely but I am rising to it. I actually enjoy it. It satisfies my want for problem-solving.

The ld is in full swing but it’s very early days. The news is dominated, obviously, by Covid-19 and the ever changing stats of infections and deaths. Today, for example, the USA took over, from China, as the country with the most infections. I know there will be an end to all this and I am determined to be there, going out, getting pissed down the pub, gigging, shaking hands with my mates, hugging anyone and everyone who’ll let me - it’ll be a proper party. But I am filled with a dread that it’s going to be a fucking long time coming.

This evening was spent virtually with Foggy, Ham and Andy P…doing a quiz - a rehearsal for Foggy in the hope of doing one to a wider audience next week. It was good fun and great to have a few beers chatting with everyone, Later I video called Fog and we drank ‘til gone midnight, putting the world to rights. I was well pissed.

Day 5: First non-work day of the ld. Housework, daily walk, out for supplies (drop a script order off…queuing outside boots for 15 minues!, bread, baccy and booze). This evening, I’m listening to the next album in NME list of 1985 albums I’m working through - Grace Jones Slave to the Rhythm…fucking pain in the arse ‘cos it’s not on Spotify so I am searching for each song, in order, on YouTube. Plus eating and drinking, of course. Quick video chat with karen and Grace, Dan in the background. I wanted a tin of kidney beans for chilli but Karen hasn’t got one ffs. Burger it is. They are all playing scrabble - I���d love to join in…

Day 6: A quiet day…housework, cooking, daily walk. Highlight was a half hour chinwag with dad who, as I would expect, despite his 84 years, is coping and doing just fine. Most other people with a dad that age would have, on top of their own concerns, something more to worry about during this crisis….for me, it feels like I’ve got someone to turn to, should I need to.

Day 7: Work is starting to feel more routine but it’s a long way off being in the office, which is never routine anyway. That may seem surprising since I do IT support but it’s a varied role, especially at the modern dinosaur of an organisation that is RCI. I try to be as disciplined as possible but I miss not dressing for work, not driving to work, not needing to actually prepare lunch (until lunchtime). I don’t actually need to shower every morning. I don’t think I have to ordinarily but do because I’m mixing with others in the office. I certainly don;t need to now. I only mix with me, so showering becomes a chore but I’m doing it every other morning in the name of the aforementioned discipline. I am worried how long RCI can keep going before laying staff off. I dread being out of work full stop, let alone during this ld, or even thereafter. I think the economies of the world will need time to recover so finding work will be tough à la 2008. I think, if lay-offs were to occur, I’d be in real danger. Last in first out and all that. But, I’ll cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

Day 8: At work there was a large online meeting whereby the MD told us that RCI are going to furlough some staff. The UK, and Ireland staff will be consulted this coming Thursday and Friday (it’s Tuesday today). I shall be reading up on what the furlough arrangements are in the UK due to Covid-19. I know the government have set aside some money, I need to know what I might get paid and how to claim it. In the past, when I’ve been out of work, I’ve been entitled to jack shit other than JSA, This time around, should I be laid off as I expect, I might not have to eat into my savings, fingers crossed. Meanwhile, I have decided to knock up another blog with a photo of myself each day of the ld (from now on) - it’s a sister to this diary.

Day 9: Actually typing this on day 10. Yesterday was a strange day as I contemplate being furloughed (hope for the best, expect the worst)…I’d be paid 80% of my wage according to what the government have said to assist in the Covid-19 crisis…so, were that to be true, I’d be OK money-wise, although still earning way less than I want to prepared for retirement (I am currently still waiting for feedback on a pay increase request I put in at work last year!) I’m more worried about how I would fill my day if I wasn’t working. So, that being said, I flopped and moped about all yesterday evening after my daily walk and, without achieving much at all, didn’t find time to write this entry on the right day…so maybe I can fill my days without much effort!

Day 10: I was furloughed today, starting 5pm tomorrow (Friday 3rd April) and it’s fucked me off. I know it’s not personal but, actually, do I? They’re cutting back the Kettering Desktop team by one, redacted It seems obvious to do this by the ‘last in, first out’ maxim but what about money? others are on more than me (redacted). What about offering it voluntarily - others might go for 80% pay for fuck all - others have family at home to occupy the day  (redacted) . A little bit of me thinks it might be preferable furlough me  (redacted) …others seems to be a favourite and that annoys me. It annoys me because I think I shoot myself in the foot too often. I’m too vocal about some of the (redacted) decisions and practices at work, plus other reasons that I know but can’t be bothered to type. But, my point, is I don’t play the politically correct, corporate game and therefore forget to look out for my own best interests. FUCK.

So, as of tomorrrow evening, I’ve no work to do. The challenge will be to find a way to occupy my day. I’ve already registered to volunteer for the NHS during the ld…let’s see what becomes of that. And I’ve signed up for web development course. I’m going to get fucking pissed this w/e, starting early tomorrow evening.

Day 11: It’s day 12 as I am writing this entry…that might tell any reader, and remind me, that I did as I promised and got pretty drunk. I spent the day geting my work affairs in order i.e. clearing down support tickets assigned to me. I did a good job, nothing left to handover to the remaining team (Jim, Cristina and Mark) and onky one ticket put into the assigned pool. Some nice converstaions were had with associates, many of whom are, too, being furloughed. Nice words were said and Jim and Mark both were supportive in conversations and messages - they both know I don’t wnat this and, I think, they are both relieved it’s not happening to them. 5 pm arrives and I shutdown my work laptop for the last time for at least 12 weeks. After my daily walk, I video chat with Karen, crack open a beer, make Chinese chicken curry (fucking loads, fucking tasty), finish watching The National Theatre stream of One Man, Two Guvnors (really good, see twoinchreview) and the caught up with, and talked bollocks with Andy, Marc and Ham - we tried getting Rog in on it, no dice. I then watched The Heat (I fucking love that film), ate some more, smoked several single-skinners, drank, in total, three cans, seven bottles. I went to bed shortly after 4am. I felt resigned to my furlough and pleasantly wasted.

Day 12: A subdued day…didn’t wake until gone 1:30pm. Jaded but not really suffering. Mooched about, social media, listening to music, watching telly, farting about on the iPad. My daily walk, over the last fews days, has taken a twist…I am trying to run parts of it. Mainly short distances, 80-100m (I estimate) three, maybe four times. It’s fucking knackering me out. I used to run everywhere when I was a teen. Attempting to run now just makes me feel fucking old. Well, I am, so that’s about right.

Day 13: Another day like yesterday except I got up at 10:30 and didn’t feel jaded. The subdued feeling comes from the realsiation that the ld isn’t being treated as seriously as it should be across the board. The news and even posts by locals on FB (Oundle chatter group) suggest groups still meeting up. The weather this w/e has been a factor - 17°c today. I think a total ld will be enforced soon and that would fuck me off. My daily walk is pretty essential for me nowadays not least for the ‘good for your soul’ benefits that dad has always mentioned. Even today’s walk saw a car parked at the gates to the field on the way to Ashton and people on a blanket soaking up the sun, dogs off their leads and people (looked like a family) playing footy on South Road field. Individually they are not presenting any danger, what with the fact they are either living together or far away from others. But they are flaunting the rules and the more that happens the less likely they’ll carry on getting away with it, which will mean total ld for all! I finished the 50 1985 albums today. It mostly confirms to me that I only listened to two albums released that year (Kate Bush, The Waterboys) any other vinyl I spun would have already been in my collection pre-85.

The sausage casserole I made for tea was fucking lush - 4 birdeye chillies. I saw and spoke with Dan and Grace this morning, they were just coming back from a walk. I am pleased to fuck they are together and sorted out the issues they had earlier this year.

Day 14: My first day proper of furlough. Finished my two inch review of the NME 50 albums. Long chat with Rita, quick one with dad. Messaged Sam about Romiley’s present - she’s 10 on the 9th April (Thursday) - ordered some Lego thing from Amazon. Turned the car engine over (reminded myself the driver-side wing mirror is fucked) and moved it to another spot in the Co-op car park - bumped into Matt T. He’s struggling - no work coming in and he can’t claim any of the money on offer ‘cos he’s not being totally honest about his circumstances - made me realise I’m not that bad off…..but I feel depressed about it all, especially with the news that Boris has gone into intensive care.

Day 15: I began a diploma (?) course on web design with Shaw Academy (it was free). They have actual classes (which are recorded) which you schedule yourself. The first one was, I have to say, really interesting - I look forward to continuing. On my walk today, I saw a car parked at the gate to the field at the bottom of Riverside Close; it was branded with Cunninghams Estate Agent with a 01536 number. I am pretty sure I saw the driver walking her dog (unleashed) on the field. I took a photo and rang the number. Yes, I ratted the culprit out…fucking annoys me that I had to. Better than reporting to the police, all round. Hopefully her work will put a stop to her doing it and, the more people that adhere to the rules without the police getting wind of infractions, the more likely we’ll be able to continue to exercise away from home.

Day16: More online learning including checking out other sites (pluralsight) for more learning opportunities. Coded my first web page, basic but mine, in HTML and CSS. A few beers & smokes and watching White Boy Rick in the evening, interspersed with the usual social media / messaging shit, incuding this entry, of course!

Day 17: Typing this on Day 18. After a few beers last night while chatting with Fog (twice - the first chat ended with him ‘having’ to go to bed. Later, I noticed he was commenting on FB, so I video called him…round two of chatting!). I got quite fucking pissed. Bed around 4am.

Day18: Up at 1pm. Long walk today, 7 km. Anything over 40 minutes, I’ve realised, results in a hypo.

Day19: Well, having gone to bed at gone 5am I got up at nearly 1pm feeling far better than I should have. Breakfast followed by a walk, spoke with Karen (mowing her front lawn) and Dan. He and Grace have split up which is sad news but he seems OK. Went shopping (milk and sweets) and ended up with a shit load of booze, the post of which on FB was quite amusing. Homemade burgers for tea (they’re in the fridge as I type) - gonna try and make Five Guys…

Day20: The Five Guys burger attempt didn’t go as well as I wanted. I think less than 5% fat mince just doesn’t bind that well. However, I managed to get something resembling a burger into the bun and, with cheese, hot sauce and jalapeños, it was tasty enough. More of the same when I finish typing this entry. Strange Easter Day today, as I knew it would be. The best thing I saw today was a video Tom posted on FB of him and Molly doing a mashup of Starsailor and George Michael - Tom on guitar singing the former, Molly singing the latter. It was fucking fantatstic.

Day 21: Easter Monday. Surreal…it’s feeling very surreal now, this lockdown.

Two things that bother me right now:

i) The political point scoring on FB. I get it, I really do…people like to bring up ‘obvious’ failings in the party’s mistakes. For example, Marc posting comparisons between UK and Germany’s figures of cases and deaths due to Covid-19. I doesn’t make impressive reading for the government and it should be held accountable. But not fucking now!

ii) Will they introduce rotational furloughing at RCI? It’s only been a week, 11 to go. And, it bothers me that I was furloughed rather than Mark. Pathetic of me, I know! But, should it last the 12 week stretch, I want to go back to work and let someone else have the chance to have fuck all to do all day! That being said, I’m still learning web design through Shaw Academy. Even today, bank holiday, I revised Lesson 2.

Day22: Nice catchup with Dad today - he and Rita seem to be more than OK with lockdown. I actually cannot wait until we can meet up at The Farmers again!

Day 23: While I had a Corvee engineer come to the house today to do a gas safety check (I waited upstairs while he was here, self-isolation and all that), and had the fourth online web design lesson, had a trip to Boots to pick up insulin, got milk from Tesco’s, saw American Rachel and had a chat (while we both queued to get into Tesco’s) and had a very nice walk along a different route from the norm, in the pleasant sunshine and watched Contagion on Netflix - all today - I AM STILL BORED AS FUCK!

Day 24: I had plans for today - revise the last two lessons of Shaw Academy’s web design course, investigate a ethical hacking course, do some washing, clean upstairs (or at least the bathroom) plus all the usual stuff. Then, as a reward, have some beers. Well, guess what. I am not having beers this evening. I managed the laundry. Plus I manged to subtitle my YouTube perfect snabby video (something I have been meaning to do for a while, but, come on!) It took me fucking ages. But it is funny! So, a fucking far from fruitful day. Plus the government announced at least 3 more weeks of lockdown. There’ll be loads more, I reckon. Tomorrow…I promise I’ll be better tomorrow…

Day 25: I did do better! Firstly the Corveee man fucked the boiler which I only noticed late yesterday but still managed to get sorted today. I did some excellent revision and learning of HTML (tags) and CSS. I cleaned the bathroom and hall. And I discovered TikTok (fucking excellent dancing and funny vids) plus discovered a new FaceBook word game (Sam sent me an invite) called WordBlitz and I am pretty good. Having beers now (nearly 11pm).

Day 26: Today I found myself calling 111. I had a pain in my side last night, I thought it might be constipation! That not being the case (!), today I went to 111.nhs.uk and, following their questions, it recommended I seek out a GP straightaway. Once I let the website know that is not possible, it directed me to visit walk in centres. I spoke with Karen thereafter - for advice about whether it’s a good idea to enter such an establishment - I really don’t want to increase me chances of catching the Covid-19 virus. Karen recommended ringing 111 since the website does not take into account my diabetes (so bloody sensible a suggestion!)

After ringing and answering many questions, the lady said she’d get an OOHS GP to call. The doctor called soon after and it seems most likely I have a grumbling appendix (chronic appendicitis) and to ring again (well, 999) if the pain becomes unbearable.

I now have a bag at the ready for hospital which I really hope I don’t have to use. Today, I  have, therefore, done fuck all - not even a walk - but I am having a beer now (midnight) and shall attempt to sleep as well as possible and hope this pain subsides naturally…

It occurs to me that I turn to Karen when things become flumoxing - my excuse, this time, is she works at the surgery but that was mere convenience.

Day 27: My ‘appendicitis pain was the same when I woke up (10:20) but no worse. I managed to change bed clothes and clean my bedroom but didn’t risk a walk (in case something drastic happens when I’m in a fucking field).

People’s responses and questions online have been heartening (Rachel Harris, Susie Grange, Bethan, Jo, Tracey Weber, Debbie De Prisco and, not least Dan). As the day progresses, I feel better but not right. I spoke with Dad about it and, as I told him, I shall ring Oundle GP tomorrow. Meanwhile, I did Sam Clew’s FB Live quiz, which was good, and am now having a beer or two.

Day 28: The pain in my side has definitley diminished. I called the Oundle surgery today to talk about what treatment I should have for ‘grumbling appendicitis’. The reseptionist organised a call back from a GP - Dr. Cash. Basically, he said he didn’t believe the condition existed, that acute appendicitis doesn’t happen after the age of 35, and ‘his gut felling’ is it will all just clear up.

I shall seek a more sensible diagnosis after lockdown and hope it doesn’t flare up again before then.

Day 29: I sent an email to the team at work today (Jim, Mark, Cristina and Sueanne). I hadn’t heard from them and I wanted to check in and, also, make a point that I will be posing the ‘rotational furlough’ question to HR at some point. It was as I wrote the email that I realised it’s only been two weeks and two days of furlough, and that includes Easter! Seems so much fucking longer. Anyway, everyone replied and it was good to hear from them….Mark came off his bike and broke ribs and collarbone! Lesson 5 of the Web Design course with Shaw Academy. It’s becoming apparent that, if you don’t pay for the course ‘toolkit’ it’s all rather patchy! The instructor dives into lines of code (HTML, CSS and Java) with no explanation….I feel like I did on the ifrst lesson of further maths ate Stamford School! I shall soldier on and beef up the missing parts with W3Schools (a great website and learning aid for coding). Two quick points. I am no longer running any part of my daily walk; hurts too much. I am addicted to Wordblitz and TikTok. Day30: I am writing this on day 31, I just forgot yesterday! It was a non eventful day. I did watch Midnight Run (again!) and had a couple of midweek beers though.

#diary #tumblr diary #lockdown #covid19 #lockdownuk

[sirjustice233-blog]

Dont dude, Kinda, Sickening bro

We were fighting me against ya and vice versa, so don't send folks to ambush me that i ought to have opened 1 a/c 4 that time to post never to return to it, like sometimes i do 4 some days b4 resorting to the above as they see an additional writing. Its me not u and why u see that yet 4 like 5 years u have refused to accept the fact that if u guess the email  of tumblr a/c u cant return to it. Looking 4 places to eat at, stop dude, me i will hurl u with stone lest police shoot me even in their post which when i report the same they have placed women with big 4heads which dont know where they are going. Look 4 ya types dude, u big 4headed women, i can be ya client in prostitution but not in matrimony dude period.

They came to ya door, Congo blooded men who still think Kenya IS RICH and they will manipulated the negro women as they have purported and what u like is what u like so competing with ya. Bringing kids they played part to up-bring while disrespecting ya and at that time have a sad face as if they talked to God, if u fail to hearken to their plights, kinda, u risk going to hell and they are here to help u get out of the same which as below is a big lie. Lazy people of no definition dude but the above is pure jealousy gimmick. They think at that time u live good, so after get ya poor story they immediately belittle ya which again is u show signs of maneuver, they show you their risk watch “SA“ in Swahili to signal u of organized theft in SA as i have explained it in sirjustice199 where a friend inducts u, with u if u do the same they have organized a shoot out 4 ya cause if they eliminate ya in the country it will be known is the Big man friends which can be catastrophic so they wanna do it the SA way dude liaising with some Chinese, Indian and Russian people. Big shame dude, your kids we mark, once all go well they are point of elimination either via frustrations or killed in other unknown ways dude.

Yeah, he has refused, yes i have refused and who is you dude, who now wants may food and kinda stay at my premise. Shoot me from the back or hurl grenade at me, you gays of no shame. Even that SA i want to make poor not to be thinking of getting to it like with how to make artificial oranges, fruits, eggs that don't spoil the teeth, making electric poles and AE generator and Pay TV as u can google new African countries with home made such as 2goinvoice online source they get the same by placing money online as explained above. They monitor ya cash in pretense, u r lazy of little income but deep down want to send kinds to ya house. Very bad character indeed. If u can understand judgement is done in Minneapolis, get their, and if still not then playing insane to get buy or needs killing as king of the jew come in handy to solve that puzzle dude. Memorandum building in Clinton ave Minneapolis-  Jesus alluding in swahili Mfalme wa yawhodi. They even say now u r Christo yet u have warned them many times of the same wanting to hit ya eye and still come back to ya the next minute wanting ya food together with their kids, eti they got something special in store so in future dont want mant to join to benefit from them, so u feel early as they are feeling to stop yet when u ask them of that thing, its hacking a tumblr a/c to delete which the software u have used they know not cause each timke u visit the cyber u download a new 1 altogether from the net and use as u open another everyday tumblr on their placed on computer software like mozilar and chrome which if they find the same when you left not logged off, they get happy they have the software they want to shift the a/c to cement the jew/Egyptian thing will rise to no avail dude. Stop guys and resort to farming as u have always done or other feasible ways known after heavy consultation dude. An advice bro

Kikuyu are now engaged in war as violence and the Somali to cement the truth in the link below that their teeth will be made white not with milk but by Hydrogen peroxide made out of Euphorbia in the boom process that if people could have not known the same they could be placing such in toothpaste can and selling like 300% above normal price as teeth whiteners so they build USA as most people use such to white their teeth from them and the bible was written to talk of the future that Christ is not yet buried or crucified as which year was hydrogen peroxide that use to teeth unearthed? Along time dude even b4 Africa colonization and their eye aint dark as the white eye rather red but can be brown out of illicit liquor sold and another reason they buy from Mr Hindu another set as can shift ya teeth to be white sometimes b4 they shift ya normal teeth or if u have eaten deep fried Nile perch hot they got nothing to do. So the people who changed the bible must rethink twice b4 they say they are insane reason why Kebi went their to investigate the above whether true or false.

https://biblehub.com/genesis/49-12.htm

They detergent in the bottled pictured below as 1 send me that link in my Fb as a text has the ripple effect of shaping ya head and very smoothing ya face. Try it women, stop much with ya face to no avail as the mirror u got aint perfecto dude, u may think 1 got to plastic surgery if they use the same

https://www.google.com/search?sxsrf=ALeKk03nZXDU0oDq384iYxfOtZ4m6TgxDg:1591611156916&source=univ&tbm=isch&q=baby+starsoft+bottle+images&client=firefox-b-d&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwi2n4PN_fHpAhVVUBUIHYncDzEQsAR6BAgKEAE&biw=1280&bih=910

When after making holes to below the earth crust on ya boarder line from below as u now know the bearing, place cameras with lights which only can be switched on when need be as the camera got night vision to monitor any intruder objects. The camera can be wireless as the boosters that connects to such place at intervals until it reach near the hole as they USA the cooker timer and a dynamo technology to operate so no worry dude or just used cabled wire with like supplied electricity. No need 4 placing drones beneath if such proves futile or expensive to ya, moreover the camera should look down to monitor intruders coming from down as the mention in the former case looks forward as with Christ posture on cross after and b4 he died. Read between the lines dude, don't be over taken by time.

The whites knows that kebi has defeated them, yet they want to know which kind of abuse that fellow will push forward maybe in terms of their old age skin type or of race as many are kikuyu and masai/trukana blood which kebi likes not and even more as he leaves his Fb not logged off so 1 can do the art of abuse b4 he is queried dude. India still rich with plastic surgery as they can shift ya baldness with a new airline from 1 who is shot or due to be buried, teeth or any body part dude and that's the remaining strength dude

Kebi with Amagy mkubwa, get the story dude, dont wait

Magy come and shower, amagy answer my legs are swollen, or am experiencing a slight headache, an old some1 from Kenya countryside bad smell choked me to make me loose control to hit my head on the floor to bring the same, Now amagy come and cook my eyes are heavy will not make me tomorrow work good at work, or am applying make up a friend of mine is coming to pay me a visit, amagy come wash plates, it will erase my nail polish, amagy come mop the floor, am sleeping if i do so tomorrow i will be late 4 work, amagy i have bought food at the local Mcdonald, amagy insinuates gives me 2-4 minutes babe am coming and Finally amagy come and we have sex, amagy ni seke seke, oketo ng’amruok mbele ma yaani ameweka kutobwa mbele, setting her legs atease is her 1st another job as made easy without of thinking of the dubious tricks she purported b4 or wanting to play like still young yet grown. Middle life crisis, big shame girl, nene kaka-ongiyo kebi ka-ochongoriyo bird as women watch Christ crucifixion tentatively as if missing the grinding ripple of kebi tendentious manhood. Change girl, it high time.

Their is a certain glass like bulb that u can open as it houses the many bulb technology inside, when burns up u get them out and close the big bulb and still works. On the tip of the big open like bulb it has a step down transformer 120-240 to 30 V which the place inside bulb uses to brighten the whole house as if it was the normal 240 bulb releasing their4 less heat and radiation to ya body and a big plus 4 people who don't want much heat in their houses at night.

Now its end signs with alternator generator u have disturbed Kebi 4 almost 5 goods years and with this will not take even 1 year to elapsed b4 u r finished lest u change. With source with aluminum bars are not yours 4 u to claim only the cooker timer and dynamo technology, question is why not the former to be claimed or u make? Stop dude!!! Time 4 reckoning is handy as a day of judgement around the corner dude the same Italy makes even small and cheaper more than China made 1 like Linz or Merrali Alternator Generators.

Dear mama please we give you that name to keep ya head up high that we mind ya, Dont allow any1 with a grenade down the now spring in the bush at Bar Kalare or defecate or urinate on it as we use it even in cosmetics, facial wash and cleanser as scrubs to do the same purpose described in the tumblr a/c sirjustice199. That water built Kansas City, MO with its environs dude. Keep an eye on it dude thats why many who live their where brought from the USA 4 the same purpose bro, the like of Delan and Kebi.

The already dug holes leading to the below of the earth should be Gazetted and camera placed to capture all that happens around such fissures as the videos placed like in computer 24/7, 365 for the public to see or witness. Some people go as eating in peoples houses to get the last glimpse of such people character to act as a precedent to be with them later in good life or not and some are even chased 4 the same, so they write 4 the public to know, so don’t rush to criticize the same, as that can save them out of hell fire as question that day will be, if u want us to acquit y of hell fire, then, well, what did you do to others, Please give us your account in detail. Wait until the people who lived with me to die to give u my helping hand a/c as they fear to be in hell fire immediately rather be in custody dude

Russians love free things from people,in that if that friend has became sturbon to offer the same, they resort,kinda, walking with him to reach out to his pocket if he can realize,if u can they can kill ya if u still wanna be with them and not offering the same offer u did previously, so u disassociate with them as even u can leave them in ya house and if u got a pretty wife they long to do the same to her to find out if they are still accepted to survive which if all Lupe holes blocked, kinda, they wish the ground to break and swallow them alive as the Luo got that character so in times futurity benefit from Russians or claim that pride if the Russian people win to get respect which now aint the case as seen dude, better change ya tactics dude

Guyana and Filipino people knows well their ears aint the same and are not ashamed, still want to 1st and geared towards hard work as opposed to the Luo tribe, change dude or change will change ya, they don’t claim other tribes being them. Accept ya self dude as well as those fellows with gap between their teeth, accept ya tools and limitations don’t transfer such blames to others as u want only to say they are ya roots dude yet obvious not bro

Clinton Ave Building structures in Minneapolis link below

https://www.google.com/search?source=univ&tbm=isch&q=images+of+building+on+cliton+ave+in+minneapolis&client=firefox-b-d&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjygZ3wxvHpAhVmx4UKHeQ0A6YQsAR6BAgJEAE&biw=1024&bih=654#imgrc=veEn-EtYkH9APM

The casket or Coffin that can be carried on handle without breaking as this elevates a certain spirit as calm u down as shows respect to the dead rather than that they are just maridadi and casket carried from below to signify short-coming can be made this way, Metallic hard plate or mesh, placed bellow the bedding/ casing the corpse rest on with protruding end to the casket holders name above, with that in mind if u carry the coffin the metallic plates a above hold the dead man weight as it carries the corpse not the wooden casket if it so cause now we got metallic. Dude hard to explain but u got it now as in the link below

https://www.google.com/search?source=univ&tbm=isch&q=inside+of+a+casket+images&client=firefox-b-d&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjerPmEyfHpAhUHkxQKHdEHBEcQsAR6BAgKEAE&biw=1024&bih=654

[thiswasinevitableid]

For the college AUs 7 for Danbry or 61 for Indruck? (I’m super excited for any of these btw. You are definitely part of the reason I started shipping Sternclay jsyk ❤️)

Always makes me smile when I learn I write something well enough that I’m part of why someone starts shipping it  <3

I’m doing #61 first, #7 will come next. I’m putting a minor CW for bullying on this one, since some people on the confession page are dicks about Indrids appearance.

Prompt: our school has a student-run confessional fb page/insta/etc. account where people can anonymously submit things related to the campus and some of these posts are 100% about me???

Indrid should probably sleep. But he can’t. He’s been having weird nightmares. So instead he’s laying in the dark, refreshing things on his phone, like the “campus confessions” page.

There’s a guy in one my folklore classes who looks like a moth, y’know red eyes, looks like he’s bumped into one too many windows. Total weirdo.

Well, that hardly seems fair. But he supposes it’s vague that the other person won’t know they’re being insulted.

Dude who smiles too wide?

Maybe ;)

What’s with him? He’s always in like ten layers, never talks about anything normal. Should wash his hair too.

Indrid’s stomach drops. He touches his glasses (red lensed), pulls his sweatshirt tighter (he’s always cold), looks at his hair with a frown. Given he’s in one of the few folklore classes on campus, he’s sure they’re talking about him.

There’s a new comment. He may as well look, it can’t get much worse.

Hey y’all, this page is for talking about crushes or weird shit you pulled, not making fun of some fella who ain’t done anything to you.

He sets his phone down, rolls over onto his side.

At least someone doesn’t hate him.

------------------------------------------

He keeps his hood up, doesn’t make eye contact, doesn’t even look up as the other students come into the classroom. He doesn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, really, he doesn’t. He thought he was being friendly.

There’s a plunk of a backpack next to him.

“Mornin, Indrid.”

He breaks his promise not to look at anyone. Because in the seat beside him is Duck Newton AKA the hottest guy in the whole school (according to Indrid). Indrid wants to look at him all day, would do even more than look if he thought Duck would like it.

“Good morning, Duck.” He starts to smile, snatches the gesture back before it becomes weird.

“You, uh, you okay? You look a little under the weather.”

“I didn’t sleep well.” He murmurs.

“That’s rough, buddy.” He peers at what Indrid is drawing.

“Wow, that’s real good. More cyrptids?”

“Yes, the hodag and the flathead lake monster. And thank you.”

They settle into silence as the lecture starts, although Indrid swears he catches Duck glancing his way more than usual.

----------------------------------------

It’s nearly midnight as he flips over to the “campus confessions” page. Reads over them, only half paying attention, until:

I got a crush on a guy in one of my classes. The “wanna see what’s behind those red glasses and get my hands into that white hair” kinda crush.

Funny, once again this sounds like someone’s describing him.

He writes it off as an anomaly. But then, the next night:

My folklore class is the only one I like because the cute guy I sit by makes it easy not to be bored. Plus he’s always drawing cool shit. I’m this close to offering him my jacket the next time he starts shivering.

Okay, maybe there is someone in that class who has a crush on him. Still, he’s not about to get his hopes up.

-------------------------------------

“Hey, stranger, this seat taken?”

Indrid looks up from his notes to see Duck leaning on the chair across from him, smiling. He wants to say something clever, instead shakes his head. Duck drops his backpack on the floor, puts his coffee down on the table between them.

“Midterms?” Indrid indicates the large stack of books Duck removes from his bag.

“Yeah, got two back to back tomorrow.”

“Oh dear.”

“Eh, ain’t the end of the world.” He sniffs the air, “what’re you drinkin’, smells good?”

“Eggnog Latte.”

“In October?”

“It’s never the wrong time for eggnog. And whoever makes the menu for the coffeehouse seems to agree.”

“Fair enough.” Duck grins at him, turns his attention to his notes. Indrid does the same, but he can never focus on one thing for long, keeps making comments or asking questions and he’s afraid Duck will get fed up with him and leave.

Instead, Duck matches him question for question, and ends up going on a twenty minute tangent about trees that Indrid finds captivating. When they eventually have to leave (Indrid to attempt to sleep and Duck to barricade himself in the 24-hour study room), Duck puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, this was real nice. We oughta do it again.”

Indrid smiles, nods, “I’d like that, so very much.”

--------------------------------------------------

The compliments that are almost certainly about him continue, frequent enough that he starts taking time to make sure he looks nice before each class (which means he actually tries to brush his hair or put on clothes that are flattering). He and Duck have more study sessions, and he can sometimes bring himself to believe that Duck looks at him like he wants him during those meetings.

Of course, it can’t last.

Think my crush might be on to me, he’s been dressing extra nice, even got a glimpse of his moth tattoo the other day.

Indrid glances at the rosy maple moth on his arm with a smirk. His smile falters as soon as he sees the comment below the post

Dude, I know who you’re talking about and if you’re looking for a pity fuck there are way better options.

He doesn’t wait to see other responses, instead drags the covers over his head and falls into an unhappy sleep.

The next morning when Duck sits down beside him in class, all he can manage is a weak smile in his direction. He doesn’t really feel like talking.

That night, there’s another post.

If the guy in my folklore class likes me back, he should meet me on the red bench outside the coffehouse at six tomorrow night.

Which is how Indrid finds himself sitting on a bench as it gets dark and the wind picks up, hoping beyond hope that this was a genuine offer and not some kind of prank.

“Hey, stranger.”

He jumps, turns to see Duck standing there with a coffee cup in each hand. Oh no, if he sits down, the other person may decide not to come and Indrid will never know who his-

“Glad you got the message.” Duck gives him a crooked grin, sits down and hands him a cup that smells like an eggnog latte.

“I, you, wait, you’re my admirer?”

Duck snickers.

“Here I thought I was beein’ obvious, especially with the wantin’ to spend more time ‘studyin’’ with you.”

Indrid’s heart leaps up, then lands with a splat as he remembers one of the posts.

“No, no, this is some kind of pity thing, you, you must feel sorry for me-”

Duck sets his coffee down, reaches for Indrids hands.

“Contrary to what some assholes on that confession page think, pity ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. I did post the first compliment because it seemed like you mighta seen the mean ones and I wanted to balance it out. But I’ve had a crush on you since week three of classes, and I was pretty sure you liked me back. Kept hopin’ you ask me out.”

“I didn’t think you’d want me that way, you’re so handsome and I’m so..not”

Indrid blushes, notes the matching color creeping up Ducks cheeks.

“You think I’m handsome?” He says softly.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Indrid blinks, confused. Duck gestures to himself, mainly at his stomach and face

“You are soft and solid looking, which I like. and I enjoy your blue hair. I, on the other hand, am angular and skinny.”

“Which I like.” Duck wraps an arm around Indrids shoulder, pulling them against each other, “not to mention the best part of my week is the days I see you, cause I like talkin’ with you and you make me happy.”

Indrid’s not sure where the surge of bravery comes from, but he leans forward and kisses Duck, who makes a surprised “mphh!” before smiling into the kiss. It’s fumbly on account of his glasses and the odd angle he’s sitting at, but he can’t bring himself to care.

“Was that alright, I’m sorry I should have oh!” Duck grabs him and pulls him back for another kiss with enough force that he nearly ends up in his lap. From the way he’s hungrily mapping the shape of Indrids mouth with his own, Indrid guesses he’s not the only one who fantasized about this moment. He’s eternally grateful everyone else is sensibly holed up indoors when Ducks mouth drops to the crook of his neck, the shorter man yanking his scarf aside to kiss the sensitive skin there. Because Indrid gasps, follows it with a moan and fists his hands into Ducks jacket, which makes Duck growl against him in response. He looks up, cheek still pressed against Indrids shoulder, panting and smiling.

“Better than I imagined.”

“Me t-too.”

“Are your teeth chatterin’?”

“Y-yes, c-cold.”

“Can’t have that” Duck nuzzles his neck, “you wanna take this somewhere warm?”

“Please.”

“Your place or mine?”

“Whichever’s c-closer.”

“Mine it is. Come on, darlin’,” He stands, offering Indrid his hand. Indrid interlaces their fingers as he joins him and then they hurry off, together, into the night.

#indruck #indrid cold/duck newton #college au #college prompt fills #prompt fills #cw: bullying #kinda

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 1: "I'll either flop hard or finally fucking win so let's see how this game plays." - Ian

season starts in t minus eleven minutes and I'm SO READY TO FLOP WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

give me an idol thanks

Hi!!! Im back on tumblr survivor omg I thought I would never return cuz I am so inactive on skype but here I am with the best hosts ever seamus and drew even tho seamus bullies me... This time now that I actually have some experience I hopefully wont be first boot and can play better rather than be a sheep LOL

So far I like my tribe, Ali and mitch are prob my favs so far both kings

The only people I have ever heard of before is willow one of my bffs from FB orgs and jones bc shes jones but both on the other tribe so hope I can meet them at swap or merge!

But apart from that no clue who these ppl are, kinda nice tho and refreshing since on fb its always the same people so this should be fun

Bro we got 2 sandwich artists. And a sandwich related challenge. If we don’t win I’ll be mad

Okay so right now I don’t know anyone or anything what the fuck. This is so different from zwooper everyone is here to play. Right now I’m getting good vibes from Caleb and I think I’m gonna make him my go to. I know Noah on the other tribe but I know he doesn’t like me and I really don’t like the way he plays games. I heard Jamarcus was in this game but I guess not :(. But yeah so this is gonna be one wild ride!

submitting this before i forget/decide not to do a video on it: 

http://bit.ly/2ZoKSiK <- Jason’s First Impressions

Hie Montenegro,,, im here,,, and full of existential fear!! I wanted to do a full video cast assessment but my phone storage truly sucks on this night at 3:00 am and I have shit to do tomorrow so :) gotta write!! Myfeelings!!!! David - has said Hewwo when we were revealed and vanished. Hopefully he can deliver in a comp Bc rn he’s kinda irrelevant :( holding out hope tho Willow - queen of being busy,,, we talked in pms but for like a minute,, she knows some of my friends from an FB game I watched her play tho! So that’s SOMETHing, but not a lot. I’ve heard not the greatest things about her social game in the past tho, so I’m not shocked rn Evan - I think I’ve actuallh played w him before assuming this is the same Evan from  erinsborough? Big shrug, he was inactive that game tho and would’ve striked out if we didn’t vote him,,, hopefully things are different tho? His picture is Gavin from DP and I appreciate it greatly,, Tom - I just got off of a 5 hour call w him and he seems really chill!? Haven’t talked in pms yet or anything so hopefully we can do that soon? But he seems like a great dude!! His dog is super fucking cute too. JJ - I think of my entire tribe, he’s the epitome of extra. He has 50 fucking sugar gliders like??????? Ma’am?????????? Also he’s from tengaged and MORE IMPORTANTLY he knows keaton apparently!! So,,, probably a crackhead knowing my luck w Keaton. He’s very outgoing and friendly tho and definitely seems like someone i COULD work with,,, but I wanna see how everything plays out, Caeleb - adopted him as my grandson. Bc he called me his grandma. He seems like a sweetie pie it’s his first org ever though so go him!! Hopefully grandma can take him under her wing hehe Mo - literally one of my first close friends in the community,, an angel whom owns my heart, I feel like he’d wanna work w me but I’d never know fully until we prove our loyalties yk? So I’m also holding out hope for him,,, king. Alex - I love him!!!? So much???? He said he stans me I love him sm Bc I remember stanning  him when I first started playing Bc he’s all I’d heard about art in the community lolol but I’m v excited to actuallh play with him I fucking called him being here :) Jules - my love my light we just clicked real quick, she’s legitimately an angel whom I adore??? It’s her first survivor game I’m rooting for her. But ya I’m exhausted so that’s it for now UwU gn bois

okie I feel like I should do a cast assessment of my tribe, just as a starter. my opinions will like 1000% change so this is by no means final but woo I'll go with this! 

In general... this cast is... pretty good? Like I was very very worried since I'm so annoying that everyone that hates me would reappear for this season, but I think(?) only like... one person in the cast would dislike me/gun for me for preseason stuff. Anywho:

Benj: Okay he seems super super nice! Like he seems really friendly, we have a lot in common already and I think since we are both in weird timezones we could work really well as allies! He seems super like chill and would work with just people he seems to get along with, so I feel like... that could be a real potential alliance in the future ahhh!

Ian: Ian I haven't spoken to all that much yet (he was towards the end of the cast reveal) but he seems really really chill! He has also come 2nd twice which is something I can relate to, so maybe we will be on a similar page as players? 

Jared: Okay first fellow newbie. We haven't spoken much or had the chance to really like have a good conversation so far! I feel like since its 12-8 for newbies, maybe its a good idea for us to group up tho, idk if it can happen since at least for me, I haven't really connected to the newbies as much?

Jason: He is so so fun! Like I've really liked talking with him so far, he was on the CAH call yesterday and was getting along with Julia which is really good too, since I defo wanna work with them both!

Julia: A QUEEN. okay I was very worried seeing her on the cast reveal since both times I've played with her, I've voted her out very very early.... BUT, she seems interested in wanting to work with me and I'd love to because such a wild time, and I feel like... me and her strengths/weaknesses can kind of counterbalance in a way that'll work really well! She could always be playing me, but tbh... its what I deserve anyway, and I'd LOVE to see her do really well this season.

Madeline: I really like her! I've spoken to her probs the most of the newbies and she seems really nice and social which is super good! I feel like she'll fit in for a while and have quite smooth sailing

Michael: I'm sure he is great, but we haven't really.. been able to talk all that much? I feel like if I had to predict who would go if our tribe lost, I'd... probably say him?

Mitch: omg this cast is so big I'm not even through my tribe AHH. anyway mitch was on the first cast reveal like I was. I get ok vibes from him, he seems like... he is here to play the game hard which makes me nervy, but hopefully I can like fudge that to my advantage?

Noah: okay he is super fun, I feel like... our conversations have been very dry, but also that its 100% my fault. idk the ability to be interesting just kind of _dropped_ out of me but I'll try and redeem that today

okay the other tribe I'll just skim through and do the ones I know:

Alex C.: he seems like a king! I've been in VLs for seasons he has been in, I feel like he will not like me but I'd love to meet him!

David R.: okay he will 10000% not remember me, but he was in my first season ever! he was very inactive and his only like... confessional was about me being annoying KJSLDAD which is maybe a.. bad sign! lets see how it goes this time

Jones: She seems SO nice! I have been in VLs with her before, and she seems so so so nice! I'd love to play with her down the line, but I think she is also probs here to WIN which is scary.

Jules: A LEGEND! I love Jules, would love to work with them if possible! They're probably the person I am closest to pregame but can hopefully keep that hush hush...

Mo: a king! I hosted him for his first season, and he was SO much fun. I feel like he has gone off me, but I'm super excited to see how he does!

Tom: he is... probably the biggest problem for me in the cast? Like he was in the only season I won, and saw me play a snake game which I do not intend to play like this time? But I feel like if he still dislikes me (which he might), he could like... tell people how snakey I was! I would love to like work with him if he wants, but I feel like he wouldn't trust me at all KASDLF

Willow: A queen! I haven't spoken to her in ages but used to around her first season a lot! so so nice.

Yeah so overall thoughts on each tribe:

Durmitor: Almost everyone I knew preseason was on this tribe, which is probably to my advantage, that'll hopefully help out in like... a swap situation? Worried about Tom but am cautiously optimistic about Willow/Mo/Jules! I feel like this tribe is gonna do very very good on challlenges which... AHHHH i don't wanna go to tribal

Budva: Okay I really like my tribe! I get the best vibes from Benj, Julia & Jason who are all people I'd love to work with! I think(?) I could be okay for now, like I feel like I've already got some good ties, and that there are other people that would go... before me... maybe? Its probably only like 2 rounds on these tribes so I maybe don't even need to last that long aksfda

Ugh honestly why am I back and like... I DON’T ANYBODY HERE? Nicole G is my spirit animal.

Well except for Jason and Julia. I do know them as well as Alex and Rob. Basically I don’t know anyone post chamonix and I feel like a fish out of water. I’ll either flop hard or finally fucking win so let’s see how this game plays.

My tribe is idk, quiet? But like we called and played cards against humanity which was fun but like idk Anau and Monte Rosa were just more active and fun and all.

Julia - fellow oldie, I might work with her since she’s quite social and all. Witchcraft and all.

Jason - I wanna work with him because 1) oldie 2) fellow runner-up and 3) he knows josh. And if my TS career hasn’t proven me wrong, people who I play with who know josh are a huge BOON to my game so yeahhH

Benj - he seems nice. He lives New Zealand so we will probably be the only ones awake at our respective time zones so that can be grounds for something :D

Ali - seems nice as well. We talked about the weather and all so that was fun.

Mitch - we had a short convo so idk him very well to get a good read on him.

Jared - We only started talking now so we will see hmmm

Michael - I’m 50% sure he’s a robot. Just because he sends messages like a robot but I could be wrong. Idk it’s hard to get a read on him but we talked some and I hope he is good at challenges

Madeline - She told me she was a returnee but the wiki says she ain’t? What is the truth. Seems nice?? Idk

Noah - we haven’t talked

Tbh this is probably the most quiet starting tribe I’ve been on. Nicole G is my sprit animal btw 

(hi plss add this to the first confessionals i sent) Asya - haven’t talked to her as well. But she did briefly joined the tribe call

Here's a Video Confessional that details what’s on my mind:

America I think I fucked myself over on this one. I told JJ and Tom last night that I got 155k in sandwich stacker the last time I played it and now I think they’re expecting me to recreate that score?? And like,,, do better?????? But it turns out I’m unexpectedly very busy today and I can’t even do it when I get home Bc I’m not gonna have a laptop to play it on,, so I fucked myself over on this one chief. Not only am I most likely not doing this challenge, but I set myself up to look like a challenge threat!! When I can’t even back it up???? Love that for me :)

okay so I've now had a chance to talk to pretty much my whole tribe more which is fun. I LOVE THEM ALL AND REFUSE TO EVER. GO. TO. TRIBAL.

So my favourites atm are defo Julia, she is SUCH a legend, and her hex powers will carry us to success. I'm also really liking Benj & Jason on a personal level, they are super fun, and like chill on a game level which I really like!

Of the rest, Jared approached me to work with me which AHH exciting! But it was kind of unprompted and outta nowhere, so I'm worried he could play a bit too hard too fast, so will try and keep an eye on him. Madeline is super fun, I'm really liking talking to her, and I'm more reassured about working with my fellow newbies now, since Jared/Madeline I'm really liking! Michael is super sweet, he sent me this long nice message about how to pronounce my name which was super sweet, I haven't spoken to him too much yet! Noah I've spoken to the least, he is my biggest ??? so far, which ahh but I'll figure that one out. Mitch is quite quiet but I really like him! Ian is a king!

AHH I LOVE EVERYONE THIS IS A PROBLEM. I always do this where I make friends with everyone and then have to betray someone every round. I'm determined to pace myself this time. Julia is my Number #1 rn, she approached me first and I think we are a great balancing pair. I also really like Benj/Jason, would love to maybe be in a bigger alliance with them? Jared I'm like... apprehensive that he is gonna play really hard, but also wanna work with him. Those are probably my top four rn? I'd then put Madeline/Ian on the next level, Mitch the level below and Noah/Michael on the bottom level as my biggest unknowns!

otherwise this challenge is so demonic, and one day I will get revenge on seamus for making us endure this. I think I'm doing pretty good, and like... can't face the bread anymore, so will probs stick with my score. I really don't wanna go to tribal so hope my tribe can pull this out wooo!

Hi it’s Mo, I’m the dumb bitch who thinks he needs a Gatorade after walking up a flight of stairs. At the moment I’m feeling very distressed because I sat outside for a good hour or so and some mosquitos decided to take it upon themselves to go to town on my legs. But game-wise I’m feeling very comfortable on my tribe. I think I made some good connections on the tribe call last night and I got to know everyone really well and literally I have no complaints about anyone at the moment. They’re all super chill. My biggest fear is letting them down so I’m doing my best to get a good score on sandwich stacker.

Wow It's great to be back and not know like a single soul! I will kms because of that! Also wow my boss sprung a double on me today so I didnt get to talk to anyone! In the first 24 hours! I love this for me! Im on call right now so hopefully I can do SOMETHING and get good with people!!

So I have yet to do a formal confessional but let me just tell you my tribe is so cracked and I love it. I'm gonna give y'all my thoughts on the players of my tribe because why not. Ok so first off we have Julia. Julia is so cracked but I LOVE HER. She is the good luck charm of the tribe because she is involved in witchcraft and honestly I find that hilarious. Then we got Ali. He seems super sweet but I have yet to get to know him well. I think he has been in the tumblr community for a while but I'm not sure because im not in that community (whoops). Jason and I have meshed pretty well together over the love for the cowboy emoji, Madeleine seems like an easy number for me, and same for Jared. I think if we ever go to tribal I might try to connect us three with Benji who I also think I can trust really well. Then we have Ian and Noah. Honestly my conversations with them have been pretty awkward??? Idk if that is just because they are busy but like I don't rly mesh well with either of them. Then there is Michael who literally talks like his username: A Big Blue Robot

someone literally said they were worried that me being so into astrology would influence how i viewed other people and i told them that it wouldn't but the tea is it will, try to stop me

Heya its me. Rookie here on survivor Montenegro. Never played before. Kinda nervous. I'm trying to keep it light and airy with my chats with all the tribe members, because I don't want them thinking I'm trying to create drama too early. They seeeeem to like me and I think I really like them too. Evan kinda has latched on to me, and I like having an easy go to for talking shoppe, but he's super paranoid and thinks he has no shot at this. Even said that everyone else is fully bonding without him. And thats fine of course, I can handle supporting him especially if it seems like a surprise friendship, but his scaredyness might be rubbing off because its making me a little afraid that people are talking shoppe much more than they're letting on with me. Alsooo, low key a tiny bit annoyed with how much we love to call. Like y'all are nice but it seems to be the same person (eyooop) every time and the same person talking in the tribe chat. hehe peace out

hi okie i would've filmed a video confessional, but i look DISGUSTING so you will have to settle with type type typing!

so lots is happening REAL fast and my head hurts so i need to talk it out. We won reward which WOO, and the reuben sandwich also gave me 3 free checks for bridge steps for the idol so GOOD NEWS. I also used it to build trust with Benj & Julia, and told Jared who kind of put me on the spot and asked me about it (more on Jared later).

So I now have my chart to map idol progress titled 'Bridge to Terebeth-idol' and I'm using all the info I get to slowly get an idea of idol progress, the idol is MINE and I'm determined to play it WRONG. otherwise, I'd love to see Benj or Julia get it, love 'em both.

Anywhomst back to Jared. he is VERY forward with game stuff and is like... going 0 to 100 waay too quick, and its making me and Benj nervous. We are both going to keep an eye, I could see Jared burning out quite quick akdlfas. For the rest of the tribe, I really really like Jason he is such a king, Madeline is super nice but I think quite quiet so could potentially go if we lose. Michael is great at challenges, but his social game is a bit ahh (he like.. told Julia she would be a target for making a mistake in the challenge akjsdfaslfladfjla). Noah I really like, but we are kinda out of sync with timezones which is no good. Mitch filled in for me in teh challenge so I owe him bigtime.

ANYWAYS. this is already waay too long, the summary is WOO JULIA AND BENJ, woo (at a slightly lower volume) for Jason and Jared. Love the hosts, loving this game so far, only thing I'm not loving is sandwiches (unless they are reuben sandwiches asjdklfa).

Okay so little recap of the first night on Montenegro Durmitor Beach.... I really felt worried! Like from the first impressions and the intro's I thought okay i have nothing in common with any of these people, this is going to be so hard to get in a safe spot and go far in this game!

After jumping on call with the likes of Jules, Jones, JJ and Mo I felt a little bit safe as they were laughing at some of my jokes and i felt like i could contribute to the conversation which is nice. I really tried my best in this sandwich stacker challenge to show the tribe that i can perform in flash games and help win immunities for future rounds so it gave them a reason to keep me and potentially the stronger players on the tribe would want to add me to an alliance...well i mean that didnt happen but hey who knows its only day 2

So i recognised that JJ was from Tengaged and i had played with him a little bit whilst on that site so i tried to connect with him and make conversation with him and that dramatic little boy decided to drop his vocabulary and use his silly little boy one word responses which wasnt very uhm reassuring. HOWEVER I feel like over the past 2 days JJ and I have formed some sort of bond and i believe its mutual that we want to work together and help each other out in this game. MY ONLY CONCERN about working with JJ is that I dont want to be seen as in a duo with him so him and me need to stop bullying each other on calls and staying on tribe calls when no one else is on them. He helped me out in the idol hunt as well so he is already giving me some information showing he is down to work with me

Okay so overall i feel like my tribe is full of very big personalities and thats concerning a fight will be had for majority i reckon.

Jules: She is so nice, and we connect pretty good, i know she is one bad ass game player though and definitely a threat down the line so keeping her on my side is beneficial for now and hopefully if she does become seen as a target i can use that to my advantage and she can be a meat shield.

Mo: Mo is cool and chill to talk to, we dont really speak that much on pms however i want that to change i get a very loyal vibe from him so yeah something i am willing to explore

Willow & Evan: They both have similar standings with me in this tribe, i feel like they both want to work with me, Evan has said he does and that he gets a good vibe and wants to work with me which is good and i feel like willow is also leaning towards that as well. The only issue with working with these two is they arent very big personalities so i will be targeted before them however i feel like they could be very loyal. Its going to be hard to integrate them into a large alliance unless one of them start because others will be closer to people that isnt them.

Alex: So Alex is a weird one for me, he seems super emotional and honestly someone i just cant really relate to or connect with. I may be wrong but thats my first impression of him, he seems to be all up in Jules/Jones grill which is something i will have to keep an eye out for.

Jones: Jones is a big big big big threat i think everyone on this tribe can already tell this woman will be hard to get out, socially she is impressive and she said she is pretty good at challenges as well so........i'm just going to try and act really dumb around her and make her believe that im willing to work with her till the end as a loyal sheep. However for now i would like to work with her (even though probably everyone does)

David: Well i mean he is like not active very much, he came on call and i have a fear of drag people and he is a drag people so i hope he doesnt rock up to tribal in drag because it is a serious phobia..... wouldnt mind if he went first just because we dont really talk!

JJ: already spoke about him

Caeleb: Everyone is very nice in this cast but i feel like caeleb is a little bit uhh reserved, i feel like hes a little shy at the moment but i think he can be a gem to work and play with. Idk what type of player any of these people are so just gotta test the waters.

All i know is that this tribe is ready to play....and play hard so survivors ready: game on bitches! #STAYLOWANDGOGOGO

Oh wow this twisty twist twist, hate it!! So anyway now that we have to go to tribal Idk who the heckie to choose to vote! The only people I feel like I have absolutely no connection with so far are Evan and Caeleb, everyone else ive at least talked to a bit?? Jules is cool (also havent talked to her that much) Mo and Jones are the people ive talked to the most so far and I really wanna work with them I think, we will see DREW YOU HAVE MESSED ME UP

This twist is very fiendish and I love and hate it!! More stress ensuing the more fun for drew hmmm

Anyway, right now I want Madeline gone. I feel she’s not putting her all into this game and in the challenges. Plus she told me she was a returnee but the wiki says otherwise grrrr

For now I think I’m gonna work with Julia and Jason. Might also wanna work with Benji and Ali. Ali is very intuitive because he noticed that it’s important to keep any voting plans under wraps because if word got out of the plan and we’re not actually going to trial, oh hell will be loose!!

So far Julia and Jared are eyeing Madeline as a target and I am here for it! She may have sealed her fate by like going to sleep at this hour but let’s see! She might be faking it lol

Okay fuck you guys for this twist my anxiety is running RAMPANT I know everyone is gonna wanna Vote me for being the youngest I hope you all die and literally choke on your own liver. Anyways my day has been GREAT, thanks for asking!! I feel confident with my comp performance, so hopefully they choose to keep me in?? If not it was nice knowing you guys except Johnny

Oh this- this is terrible. I did so bad on my sandwich tray thing even though at the time I was like IM FUCKIN SPEEDY GONZALEZ WERE GONNA WIN and I scored like 48 but then I find out that everyone else scored somewhere in the 90’s and now it’s just kinda... fuck.

Blind Tribals? What kind of tomfoolery is this. Im surprised my tribe came up with a consensus of voting off someone this early even though we still have a full 24 hours. I was fully prepared to take charge but I guess I don't have to anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cax7k6-mA-A

^ Video confessional not letting me post tho

So everything has been like a legit clusterfuck and I see this tribes dynamic starting to play out. I think socially I have done my job and excelled. I would say I feel as if I have established a good personal relationship with most of my tribe members except two of them- Madeleine and Michael. Both of them talk very little and it's honestly very frustrating for myself. Not to mention Michael last night sketched me out very bad after we had finished playing the role call part of the immunity. So I had found an error that I had made, and it scared me and I thought I could talk to him about it. I was like, well I hope this doesn't put a target on my back. He responds with this: we can make sure you won't be. will just take some work. Hold the damn phone. It will take some work? Why would it take work period? It just freaked me out so I went to Jason and I told him about it. Jason made me feel more comfortable and I decided to tell him that I trusted him and I was on board with him. So after immunity is done, and the whole blind round twist is revealed I decided to go and talk to basically everyone on the tribe. But Jared stuck out the most to me. He is playing the most aggressive game at this point which I respect. Also, forgot to mention, I trust Ali the most. 100% Ali will be my ride or die person this game. So nothing will come in between the bond we share. Jared decided to throw out Madeleines name out. And I am totally okay with this. He also subtly hinted that Michael would be a good option. But lets be real, I am not a fool and I will not make a big move this first round. This is a tribe of 10 people, not 6 like I'm used too in my prior TS I have played. It is more difficult to rally all the numbers. So this would be the exact reasoning behind my social game I am playing at the moment. I have Jared than tell me he wants to work with Ali, Benj, Himself, and I. This, I can enjoy. I don't have to struggle to protect from this alliance I knew Jared was bound to create, and I didn't have to suggest to include Ali, possibly exposing my relationship with Ali to Jared. On the other hand, I have Ian and Jason who I feel like I can trust in this game. I proposed to Ian I would not vote him out this round, and he said he would do the same for me. I tell Ian that I trusted Jared and we could possibly work with him, and that Madeleines name is being thrown out as the vote. Ian was vague with answering me about working with Jared which sussed me out. But Ian later tells me he wants to work with Jason, Himself and I. So this puts me in TWO potential alliances already in this game. Literally fuck this twist. I am glad my social skills have finally paid off and I am seriously learning from prior mistakes I have made in my orgs from being too abrasive, being too loud, being rude. I had such little self awareness of the way I communicated with people. I would talk and be this extremely social girl but I always left a bitter taste in people's mouth because of how I said things and I had no clue. So I am playing this better game and it is totally opening up new opportunities and all these people I can work with but on the other hand, puts me at a serious disadvantage. If this tribe will be an ultimate flop tribe which I am seriously hoping is NOT the case, I am going to disappoint someone. And that is how you become a target and lose all the hard work you have built up. So even though socially I am totally preforming beautifully compared to my prior three tries at TS, and strategically I wouldn't say anything about that I mean.... it's the first few days of this game. I would say competition wise, or the more physical part of the game I need to get it together. I'm hoping I can motivate this tribe into playing extremely hard for the immunity wins because who freaking knows what could happen? In the best case scenario, I would love for immunity to be brought to my tribe. This would mean that for the next round the target would probably remain the same, and I don't have to get so worked up about who is the new target of the tribe.

https://youtu.be/qsjQtYfiCec <- Video Confessional; Not letting me post

Editors note - I think I’m 80% sure my name’s not going around Bc I think everyone’s under the impression I got us the win for the flag making? Big shrug

Damn this twist has really screwed things. At this point in the game I have some strong (I think) alliances. I'm worried that I have put a target on my back for playing too hard though, and it might be all for not if we find out we won immunity.

https://youtu.be/RR4BRMFKjDU <- Another video confessional that won’t embed lol

What the fuck is this twist like okay sure, tumblr survivor is generally fucking stressful like a pig getting choked im always trying to gasp for air.....this season i am the pig on the spit roast just deceased. I'm a nocturnal pig throughout this game i guess because tribal planning starts like 6 hours ish before tribal and the last 2 hours is the most important and that would be from 4-10am so no sleep for the weak i came to win

https://youtu.be/sarbjplslHk <- Another video confessional that won’t embed

SO I think at the moment my closest allies are Tom & JJ which is a relief because I was intimidated by the two of them at first. The plan for now is to vote for David due to him being the most antisocial out of the bunch. He’s talked to me quite a bit actually but apparently he hasn’t talked to some of the others that much.

The first few days of this game has been really fun. I'm enjoying to get to know everybody, and just dicking off on tribe calls all the time. So far I've really enjoyed looking at Tom & Alex, they're definitely the tribal eye candy.

It seems as though I've gotten myself into a really cute alliance consisting of Alex, Jones, and Jules. A group I've definitely enjoyed talking to the most. I think it'll really work in my favor.

Tom is really fun to talk to, he's giving me truthful information on what planks have been good and bad in the idol search. Which is nice, but it might be a cultural thing, but I can't tell if he likes me or not!?? There's too much sarcasm in his voice.

Mo & Caeleb are really nice, they've both talked to me on a pretty shallow level so far, but I'm enjoying them a lot.

Evan, David, and Willow have been fairly MIA. Evan is on a vacation, so I'm impressed by how much he truly has been able to contribute to the tribe.

As far as the vote goes, I'm debating between Willow, and David. Alex, who I'd really like to work with, really is pushing for David to go home, but David is better at comps, and a less dangerous social player, he hasn't talked to anyone. Whereas Willow is being a social butterfly in everyone's PMs. Seeing that she made runner up in one of her seasons is also a little bit scary.

This twist is scary, but considering my last ORG, its exciting. I felt like my downfall was not being able to forge game relationships with people because I was the last person to attend tribal. Winning every tribal immunity all the way up to the final 13 / 21. Once the merge hit, every time I tried to talk strategy, the person I was talking with would run, and tattle to the person I was trying to target instead of listening to what I was saying, because they had forged game relationships at prior tribal. Being forced to go to tribal regardless of the outcome of immunity should help me solidify game relationships much easier.

I have one question for the twist. WTF DREW???

Right as we found out that both tribes had to go to tribal, Evan was immediately concerned that his name was being thrown out. The boy needs to calm, but I think our connection is really strong and honestly he's fun to talk to. Today though, most people I have been talking to have said David which is perfectly fine, he barely had talked to me at all so I am happy to be a tribe player and vote him tonight if nothing changes. I think people are starting to make connections all around. I really like Willow and have like an on and off thing with Mo and Jules. Tom is the first person to let me in on the vote, and JJ said he'd work with me and not vote me tonight, BUT Tom and JJ and Jones are always in the calls and that's making me nervous they'll have a longterm close bond that could be disastrous if it turns into a Monica, Jervase, Tyson type thing. Also I don't fully trust JJ he's good at talking to everyone. I have my eyes and ears open and I'm just trying to get as much information as I can at this point in the game.

okay I have thoughts and they are 100% NEGATIVE.

so dua lipa cave can CHOKE, i hate this twist so muchhhhh, its gonna give me an aneurysm. I just feel bad, I don't like voting people out and this makes the process so weird and awkward.

Okay like tonight, Madeline is... seemingly going home? And I'm so so sad, she is super sweet, but I think everyone was reluctant to throw out names except Jared who was super, super gung ho about Madeline leaving? Jared is stressing me out akjsldfaf, he is so forward and aggressive as a player, and I can kind of see him burning out and dragging me down with him asdfklaf.

Otherwise, I'm really liking working with Julia, she is super fun and a really savvy player, I hope our alliance can do super good long term! Otherwise, Benj is SUCH A KING, he is so friendly and fun, and we are like really on the same page for game stuff? Those are the only two who its not negotiable, on my watch they are going NOWHERE.

for the rest? I really like Jason, he is just super mellow, like I think if I had to make a winner pick for the season, I'd probably say him? I vibe with him on a personal level woo, could be an ally down the line. Michael I tbh expected to maybe be first boot, but he seems to have unexpected connections! I really like him tho, he is super sweet, its no biggie that he is staying? Mitch/Ian kind of fall into the same category, I really like them but I've not spoken to them... all that much, but I really like them!! Noah I really haven't spoken to too much, and if we do go to tribal tonight, I'd probs want him to go next (Mitch also threw his name out for this round, so it seems I'm not alone on that?).

I feel REALLY REALLY bad about Madeline JKLSADFLSAJFA, like already our tribe is being meninist we do not stan, but also she is so nice. I feel bad and kind of blame Jared for her going grrrr.

Okay I'm gonna wrap this up, hope we don't go to tribal tonight, Madeline stays and we WIN till merge WOO WOO WOOOOOO!

omg also julia is already at #46 for the idol her MIND! i hope she gets it, that'd be iconic. I feel like she must be working with someone to get that far already, maybe Jason? like the host, i need to (nancy) drew and investigate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRd_z6-ycno <- another non embeded video confessional uwu

Lol idk where this girl came from but Madeline’s a mess.

She vanished after the twist reveal because her “WiFi getting shit down” then suddenly she’s strong arming me to vote Mitch

Sweaty, compared to you I’ve actually interacted with Mitch over the course of this 4 days unlike you.

She claims she’s got Julia, Jason and Noah but I know where they’re really at. If we are going to tribal Madeline’s gone!!

okay tribal is (maybe?) in 6 minutes and I have THOUGHTS:

1. Madeline is make me so nervous, she like says things in the tribe chat and its like AHH idk how to respond, I'm being so obviously shady and its INCREDIBLY clear I voted for her, but idk what to do or say asdkjflsafafjdaf

2. Benj is a king, we are like... on the same page a lot, and someone I wanna go super far with!

3. Madeline gunning for Mitch is weird because... she is targetting him for past placements, when... Ian literally made FTC twice akjsdfslafsa like wut? Also I am screaming at her like saying Mitch isn't denying that she is going home in the tribechat, when she is voting him? I'MMMMMM

4. If I go home, it's been super super fun, and first boot is a cute placement! Benj  & Jason have both been first boot before, and I love 'em both, so am joining a great club!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgF_VAczF2g <- Another non embeded video confessional

[quixotickaya]

Time to Write

Well, I guess it’s time to write.  The bad times are just about over for the month, though I seem to have a headache coming on again.  The hormone supplements seem to be helping in the way I want them too.  My PMS has not disappeared by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s much, much better.  I’m hoping the 10# that I put back on is mostly salt and water.  I’ve tried to keep my calories low, but not as low as during the rest of the month.

The oddest sensation?  I want to have an orgasm, while at the same time I want to be left completely the fuck alone by any other beings.  Masturbation it is.  Super weird.

I’m not sure if this qualifies as “moody,” or “bitchy,” or if it will just pass, but I’m getting really fed up with other people’s bullshit.  I’m tired of offering help and encouragement to people who just want to complain.  It’s not that I lack the empathy these days, I just lack the energy.  That’s my time, my effort, and my emotional investment.  I care too much about people, and when I offer them advice, I can’t help but feel emotionally invested, especially if they’re long-time friends that I really just want the best for.

Also, sometimes I just think of things and post them.  I guess there are people out there in FB friend land who can’t understand that not everything I post is directly related to recent drama.  I’ve had some really, really shitty relationships, for example.  If I post something about men being assholes, that doesn’t automatically mean I’m mad at Jared.  I haven’t seen Jared since Saturday.  I won’t see him again until tomorrow.  Given that that’s the usual schedule, I don’t have time to be mad at him.  I do, however, have plenty of unoccupied time with my thoughts, much of which I try to use to get over my past.  This is the source of the stuff you see on my wall.

Sometimes my brain just churns and churns, and I realize something that I should have realized a dozen years ago.  I post it because it should be out there.  It’s not related to anything that happened today, especially if it appears on my wall before 8am.  That means I probably thought of it in the shower, and it bears absolutely no relevance to anything recent.  Today, while I was on my way to work, I thought of something I wanted to post while I was daydreaming.  I posted it early afternoon.  Nothing changed between now and then, I just suddenly remembered that I was thinking it.  It has nothing to do with Jared, or our relationship, but it totally could be taken that way.  It’s actually about something my father said, and he’s been dead for 5 years.  Sometimes I “hear” him, though.

I had a fight with my Go-Tcha watch.  Apparently if you sync it to another phone, you have to completely unsync it in both the PoGo app and the Bluetooth settings before it will sync back to the first phone again.  That only took like 2 hours of my time and energy.  Noting it here in case I forget.  There’s a man whose real name I don’t know wandering Main Street taking gyms for Team Instinct.  His handle is MeanPean16 (I think), and I walked around with his this morning for about 25 minutes.  He’s nice.  Works in Chester.  Apparently he picked up the game to impress a girl, but when she lost her phone, he kept playing.  It’s funny how addictive that game can be.  It’s fun, it’s cheaper than a gym membership (unless you’re buying tons of pokecoins, but you really shouldn’t need to), and it gets you off your ass.  I see no down side.

I had a great walk with my friend Rachel yesterday.  She’s so buff and motivated, I don’t know how she does it!  Seriously, no matter how much I have ever worked out, my biceps never looked like her biceps.  She could bench a grown man, I’m sure of it.  I’m hoping to spend more time with her.  The clouds rolling in suggest that maybe walking time won’t happen today, though.  I guess we’ll see.

That’s all I have for now.

-Angelique

#pogo #weight loss #period #being a woman #exercise #moody #hormonal #bloody #pokemon #poketech #pokemon go #facebook #social stupidity #social media #fails

[werevulvi]

I... probably should have known this would happen to some degree or another, but somehow I wasn't prepared. I think I've lost 2, if not more, friends. Both trans. Obviously due to my views on trans stuff having changed, and me daring to be vocal about it. Like what else...

One of them still interacts indirectly with me on facebook by liking some of my comments/posts, but he has seemingly stopped speaking to me, since about a month ago. I've only met him online, since about a year or so ago.

The other one... well he's the trans guy I had such a huge crush on for several years but he didn't reciprocate my feelings, and we even thought of each other as pretty much best friends for a couple of years, then drifted apart a bit but kept in some kind of contact. Until I broke up with my ex Y. I know that Y (whom I broke contact with cause the relationship went bad for us both) most certainly warned my friend about me being a "toxic" person, and unfairly so.

Since then he hasn't said a single word to me, or even acknowledged when I've made friendly comments on his posts, etc. And I just now noticed he has blocked me here on tumblr and unfriended me on facebook. Without a word. We were friends for over 10 years, maybe 12. It does hurt, but I do understand. No reason for me to be mad at him about it or try to contact him. It's his choice. And most likely because of what I've posted and reblogged here recently, which I know is entirely on me. But it's just hard to see that friendship die like that.

Cause these past few weeks or so, I've been suspecting more than usually that my best friend has abandoned me just the same as well. Like I felt the last few gasps of our friendship dying, and I've panicked. She always sends me a text message for Christmas. She didn't this time. I could have sent her one, but then I couldn't. My heart sank too much. Her birthday is tomorrow, as she turns 30, and I can't decide if I should force myself to send her a hopeless "happy birthday" message or not, still desperately holding on to a dying breath.

I've been thinking about writing her a letter, by hand or something. To tell her that I never wanted to lose her as a friend, but that I've felt it was coming to this for a long time, and that I'd accept it if she wants to move on, but can't pretend it doesn't hurt. If only I had her new adress... or her email. I do have her parents' adress though. Worst case scenario I could go via them, and ask them for her adress. I was always on good terms with her mother. She'd know it's not something I've done wrong, to cause me to drift apart from my life-long friendship with her daughter. Or I could just write the letter to have for myself if I can't figure out where to send it.

I'm pretty sure she unfollowed me on facebook sometime around spring last year, when I completely stopped getting any sort of notifications from her. I used to check her profile page every once in a while, maybe once or twice a month, cause my feed was getting too cluttered and she didn't post often, so I kept missing them. Her posts were mostly just about her kid which I couldn't relate to, so I mostly just gave it a "like" or "love" but didn't say anything, cause I just had nothing to say. I checked again just now cause had forgotten for a few weeks... but her facebook page is gone. She never told me. I dunno what's going on. She's had that account for as long as I've had mine... 9 years, and never even went inactive before. But now it appears her account has been deleted. You don't just do that for no reason, right?

Her husband is still on facebook and on my friend list, but I think he unfollowed me too, cause I haven't gotten any response from him for a really long time either. I used to be close friends with him too, since before they got together some 8 years ago. Last I ever heard from either of them was an invitation to a party, in the city they live in, back in November. I didn't go, cause I was in a terrible mental state due to my detrans-tragedy and couldn't handle traveling so far with flights and all. They didn't say anything to me, it was just a plain fb invitation, no explanation or anything. I thought it was odd and it gave a bad gut feeling. Not that long ago, but the next last thing I ever heard from them was when I texted her about my detransitioning, back in July, and she just stopped texting me back after a couple of days, without notice, which upset me. Before then... I don't remember.

I guess our friendship wasn't worth more than that to her. I guess I was right after all. That her boyfriend, then later husband and then her kid all just mattered a million times more than I ever did to her. I was the first person she ever knew except from her parents, when we were 2 years old and met in kindergarten, and instantly liked each other. We were classmates from grade 0 to 9th grade. She had a few other best friends until we really connected at age 12. I was never into her romantically or sexually (despite my gayness and her beauty), and she's super straight, but we did get a lesbian reputation in late elementary school, cause we were always so close. Losing her does break my heart, but why can't I even pick up the phone to text or call her?

I lost her the moment I moved to this island 6 years ago, cause I had noticed she seemed to care less about me a year earlier, and I think me moving halfway across the country was the death blow... and I never managed to rebuild my life since then, while her's flourished. Am I jealous? Well of course.

Early in life, we basically had the same potential... then we both had some issues with mental health, but she found love, got a job, got married, got a kid, bought a house, lives in the city we both always loved... whereas I got too fucking traumatised, wasted my 20's getting a sex change I then regretted, moved to an island I also regretted and can't move back, ended up in a series of shitty relationship with men until discovering I'm a lesbian, I'm single again, living on sickness compensation in a place I hate, with my anger issues, tragedies and inability to function well enough to even get a cat. How different life can turn out for two people, even though we were always so similar in personality, behaviour, humour, interests, lifestyle, the life goals we had, and even in our looks. I think about that sometimes, and how much I struggle to be happy for her. I guess I just got the short straw.

But even though I'm jealous that life went so much better for her, at least I still always cared about her as a person and the friendship we had. At least she always remained in my mind and in my heart. For recent years I've kept imagining I held onto her by my pinky finger, but my grip kept slipping by the day, as we drifted apart more and more. I think our bond is now broken. She let go of my pinky finger. That hurts more than I can let myself feel right now. How long were we best friends for? If I count up until today... then it was 17 years. And how long have we known each other as friends for? 28 years. It's a 28 years long friendship in our 30 years long lives. How she can just shake that off and move on, I don't understand.

The physical distance shouldn't matter... but it was what made her take distance from me, little by little. Like slowly pulling off a band aid. I should have been there with you when you got married. I wasn't. I should have been there with you when you got your daughter. I wasn't. I'm sorry I failed you, but you failed me too. Soulmate sister... may our past friendship rest in peace. I will remember you.

Every single memory I have of her flashing before my eyes. My entire body hurts. I feel nauseous. I can't process this, I don't want to feel this.

Correction, I've lost 3 friends.

#long rant #personal #sad post #lost friendships #feeling heartbroken #losing a life long friendship #like literally #i used to think this could never happen to us #but i guess everything is possible

[rezilient-m3]

Wow Dec 30th 2021

Sorry I've been so long in between posts. Last time I wrote to Alex about responding to when he wrote and I was scared lol. And I was just on day 2 of my practicum. Then updated on the guys in my life or whatever.

Anywhoo, Alex didn't say much after that. He just left it as is. We did have sex once... that was my bad. I forgot when, but I went over to get Xmas decorations during school hrs and fell asleep in his bed. He slowly made his way there to show me video on his phone. (Smooth). I was falling back asleep until he held my hand, moved closer to hug me and I let it happen. Then we started kissing and had sex quickly because school was almost out lol. Went get my kids, dropped off our son and said bye lol. And that was that. Nothing more. Still civil ish. Well, until I went over another night right before Xmas. This would be a third time he's shown me a house property in his home province. And I asked why and if he was planning on moving. He says in the spring. I say, "What about him?" (Our son) He says, "He'll come with me." "No he isn't." "Yes he is." "No. He's not only yours, you're not taking him." "Well, I'm not moving alone and I'm not going to sit around to see what you decide to do." Idk what he meant by that, cuz I didn't want to start fighting in front of our kid. And I never asked. Maybe he thinks I'm still moving away for school for the degree program I'm considering. Or to the city for a low income house I'm approved of? Or I'd he meant, to see if I'm going to take him back? Again, I didn't ask for clarification. So, that was annoying. But this Xmas, I took the kids to my parents house. Came back Xmas day to spend the evening with him to open kids' gifts. So, that was nice. I just felt bad that he'd be alone. 🤷‍♀️ So, that's where that stands. Civil. Lol.

Guys? Hard to write about which first. Kinda getting out of hand here. But none are serious lol. The snap guy started snapping me again wanting to hook up again like a week ago. I probably would have but I was on my period. And right now, he's in the next province visiting his mom until the 3rd I think. So, that's kind of open. But again, I don't think we'd ever be anything more than just a hookup. I didn't even think I'd hear from him again lol.

A, the Indian guy that gave me the morning after pill. He texts me almost everyday to check in. Always asks me to come over, but asks so late. Or when I'm alone with my girls. But he has asked me to hang out tomorrow night for new years. We'll see.

Not much to say about the guy I drove around with all night, and turned me off by his fb posts. But we had messaged here and there. I feel like he'd be good in bed. But not for a serious relationship at all lol. But that's the problem, because he says he's given up on the idea of someone, but yet says I'm the only one he's interested in. Contradictory. And maybe a sign I should just leave him be, because I don't see a future with him, and maybe he does. Idk. Lol.

New guy that I had known from rehab almost 3 yrs ago, when I went the last time lol. He's been on my fb since. And recently he's been commenting on my pics that says "Looking good auntie." Lol. I am only 2 yrs older than him, but he called me that since we've met. Anyways, he randomly called me early this morning at 730. I didn't answer right away and asked why he was calling lol. He said just to talk and say hi. That was a weird conversation that Idk about yet lol. He said he wants to come take me out for supper or coffee and just catch up. Then asks if he could be step-dad. Like, what? "What do you think of being the step-dad?" "What!?! Idk, you didn't even give me time to think about it, because I had no idea you were even interested that way." Which is true lol. He texted me this morning to ask for a picture to use as his background photo on his phone, I told him to smartnup lol.... idk wtf. So random. Thing is too, he has something. I don't even remember what exactly, but it's caused him to be in a wheel chair. Nothing wrong with that, but I automatically thought of this house being totally inaccessible lol. Anyways, he's a "gangster" I think. Says he wants to straighten out. But red flag went up for me lol. I've seen him with guns in a picture before. He always posts about have gabbies for sale.... like, what? I don't need that. Especially around my kids, and for my future career that wouldn't allow for gang affiliation by association. Or whatever. Lol. That could get me in trouble. But not that I'm saying I know he's involved with one, but just gave me those kinds of vibes. Idk.

But none of these guys are sweeping me off my feet lol. I want how I felt with Alex in the beginning. That new and exciting feeling. Young love feeling. Where I'm exciting and genuinely interested in getting to know them. But, idk. Waiting for that, I think.

Anyways, it's New Years Eve tomorrow. Right now I have all 5 children under my roof. My eldest has been visiting me since Xmas. He wants to go home tomorrow though, so I'm meeting my dad in a town 3 hrs away from here, so he can take him back. Which is fine. We had a good visit. Last night we stayed up until 530 just talking. He asked me questions about my life, our families, my exes, how I lost all of them, and about my drinking, then my recovery. I was open and honest about everything. Or anything I thought he should know anyways lol. And I gave him advice about opening up about his feelings, whatever they may be. Cuz he's lost his best friend last year. Had a hard time with that. He's told me that whenever he tried talking to his gma about personal stuff, she always turned it into something else. Hard to explain. But I imagine he's been left feeling unheard, and unimportant. (Hope not) But I said it's good to let things out, and to never hold onto to feelings, or try shut them out. Told him that's how I've helped myself. It was just all advice I hope he takes with him. He's a good kid. My lil best friend. We always laugh when we're just chilling. I'm grateful for that kind of relationship with him. Love him.

But it's 11pm. I'm tired. I should get some rest to take that early drive in the morning. I'll be back soon to update anything else I might have missed. And whatever else might go on until then lol.

Happy New Years guys.

& here's to 2022. 🥂

✌&❤

#allofme #thisisme #new years #honestyisthebestpolicy