#maybe i just need to cry a bit today

[bluesidedown]

hnnnnnnnnngggggggg

#everything is Hard today ugh #i am anxious because i need to respond to some emails and deal with some student loans stuff that i've been putting off #and i frankly don't want to do anything. at all. #and i really should go out and figure out how to take the bus and explore the city a bit more #but that's frankly exhausting levels of effort actuallyj #and if i could bribe myself with going to a nice little coffee shop somewhere and hanging out there for a while i could maybe #convince myself. but that's hard too! #because i would have to do the thing where i look like an idiot when i order because idk quite how it works here and i don't speak enough #of the language to actually do that #and then idk what the acceptable kinds of coffee shop activities are. like am i gonna be super weird if i bring my laptop or a book #and hang out for a couple hours alone? idk. and also will they have wifi at the coffee shop? also do not know #and i should just bite the bullet and ask someone about it but that feels hard too because asking people things is hard. and honestly #i should just schedule in a good little cry but i don't wanna. ugh.

[cuteniaarts]

Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl

17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019

#my art #artists on tumblr #I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already #I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that #exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together #not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know #and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again #I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly #instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her #feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time #well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system #and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her #and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result #but it felt like to commemorate her in some way. #so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind #which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever #never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor #but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself #she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret #there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end #even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again #I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing #it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day #she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much #when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was #well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed #I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home #and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me #spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure #and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes

[dalkyeom]

Listening to Kidult has been so cathartic because I feel like maybe I’m not allowed to cry over things then Dokyeom goes “It’s ok, your world is precious” and I start bawling like a baby

#and he sings with so much warmth! like his voice is already infused with angel energy with the charged battery of the mf sun #also bc I just feel so replaceable and I dont matter #and idk maybe that’s true but hearing these 13 men sing about how every single person is precious #maybe I’ll cry a bit and believe them #I’ve loved kidult since the first listen but it’s extra meaningful to me rn #chia.diary #also I’m so sorry for slipping a bit of sad thoughts today #i’ll try to be back to happy chia soon! I just need a bit of time ;;; i’m really sorry!

[rosicheeks]

💖

#hi loves #I need some self care advice #ya know when life feels a lil too much? #like you’re drowning #what do you guys do? #I know some people lean on a higher power and all that — not really interested in going down that path at the moment #maybe I’ll revisit that again one day #but not today #I know others use crystals #I’ve been looking into those a little bit more #trust me I know the basics ‘go to a therapist’ I would if I had money and an easy way to see one #but I am looking into some options so hopefully something will work out #idk what I’m saying or asking #or really looking for #I’m just so used to going online and looking for ‘to do’ guides and shit like that #there’s no guide on a broken heart #or on depression #or on anything serious #idk maybe it’s just the 4am talking #also been crying most of the day #so that’s super fun #and might have something to do with why I’m so reflective right now #shut up rosie

[pepprs]

ok i took a nap sorry for miseryposting

#purrs #i don’t feel better per se but i do feel less angry so i think that’s good. but i did have a fucked up and disturbing dream so now im #focused on that a little bit but it’s whatever. i think i just feel stuck in my life and overwhelmed rn but i have to be gentle with myself #and okay with accepting outcomes that are compromises even if i really don’t want to. but idk. i have to think on it more. and i wish i felt #less lonely bc i KNOW i am not it’s just i have no emotional object permanence and i keep dismantling all my inoculations and then crying #out for more inoculations and i don’t know how to stop. and now im getting upset again typing this so I’m going to stop even though i havent #gotten to the end of my thought yet and like reblog some things or watch a video idk. i really need to find a counselor and speaking of #which i feel like someone told me lately (on here probably and ididnt reply im sorry) that my counseling place should give me referrals to o #other places and they didn’t and maybe it’s bc i told them i was taking a break from counseling but i am kind of like 😐😑. but i’ll figure it #out and find someone. i think there’s a thing i can do through work i just have to gather the spoons to actually do it and i spent all of th #them on the drivers manual today. also i read like half the drivers manual today! which is something to acknowledge. ok im done now bye

[izzy-b-hands]

Absolutely horrific heart pounding nightmare woke me up for the day. That's. a start to it lmao

#text post #it started out so cool and had like. Jim as a diver? in something v futuristic for some docu that olu was narrating #but it just got. horrible minute by minute #Olu's narration revealed that the earth had been decimated by a war involving multiple nuclear weapons #and somehow things were like. okay enough for some survivors like him and jim to make it? but things were V Fucked lmao #then midway thru jims device/pod thing broke and it felt like i was literally controlling them thru an ocean under the crust of the earth #(no idea what that's abt lmao i think my brain spaced on set dressing this dream a lil bit) #and it was like trying to swim them thru pudding but with so many irradiated and fucked up and ANGRY sea creatures all around #i got them to the surface after floating past a bunch of bodies but they were basically out of air by then so they were gasping hard #and i woke up right then and woke up basically the same way lmao #it's been several minutes now and my heart is still pounding like mad #and im crying a little and can't seem to stop but today i set aside to try and force myself to have a good big cry #i need to find something to watch to make me cry tho so maybe s2 thus far again lol bc certain moments might do it #more likely i need to see what else i have from my past watchlists that are Guaranteed Cry items and try one of those #so i can get over this current thing with the ptsd and get my shit back together even temporarily #duct tape that all back together in the box in my brain until the next random trigger (bc i still dunno exactly what made this one go) #i think it might actually be my brain processing late a lot of Move Feelings re: mum & family bc that's what Housemate #and i talked abt last night a lot but ultimately im ???? as to a for sure trigger #anyway GOOD FUCKING MORNING i guess aksndjffjfj

[daiseukiis]

hii how have you been?

i miss my family 🧍‍♀️

#my mom sent me a video about once your child leaves the mom also needs them #to like be there for them when their mom is stressed when their mom misses them #and i cried for a bit bc i argued with my mom a lot #we didnt see eye to eye but i really do think my mom still thinks of me as her little girl #bc despite not being as close i am to my mom compared to my dad i felt like i had so much burdens for being the eldest and girl #so sometimes i would get upset that my brother would get some special treatment from my mom #idk now i just rlly miss her cuz i miss actly waking up to have brekkie w her #i rlly missed cooking w her b4 i didnt like it bc i thought it was bothersome but now i miss it a lot and her cooking !!! #one of my roommates are husband and wife and i helped cut up the onions and garlic for her bc she started crying from the onions #and then i just completely rmbrd how many times my mom would ask me to help her cook and it makes me miss jmy family !! #i dont rlly get homesick often but i have been in a few arguments w my husband but its like those small quarrels where we're both #tired stressed n feeling defeated like there was no wrong but mentally tapped out #i feel hella lonely tbh ion have many friends outside from me talking to my roommates or my coworkers #and i go once a month to my friends thats an hour and half away but i never mind the travel bc their family treats me well #im supposed to go today but our plans got cancelled and since the travel is far i usually sleepover we were gonna watch a movie !! #we were gonna go watch the mario movie but i might go by myself w my teddy bear #or i'll ask my coworker maybe #but yeah other than that im just trying to survive xoxo im so tired #im also getting so much free cosmetics skincare and fragrances at work that i cant even use all of it #tha shit is displayed on my shelves just cuz #but so excited for my smau heheheheh #༊*·˚ koca has heard your wish #༊*·˚ a kiss of blessing #༊*·˚ a wish upon a goddess #༊*·˚ freddie <3

[averbaldumpingground]

It's not the city that it was, when you were 23 or nine or even 17. The plastic subway seats, those haven't changed. But there are buildings that don't fit right in the skyline. Like condos and bike lanes, a topographic shift.

Someone is pissing in the street; that hasn't changed. But all those neon lights, they're not as bright on 8th as you remember. The sidewalk feels too grey, a long walk home that you don't think is anywhere but here.

#January 23 2023 #Sunday night mental breakdowns are the best. #Like I need to be up early for work depression!brain. Can we just not right now? #I guess I'm staying up to an ungodly hour reading fanfiction for a show I've never even seen. #Instead of any of the three scifi novels I picked up today that I've been wanting to read for a while. #Probably for the best. I might manage a few hours of sleep this way. #Instead of crying into my cough drops about robots. #Daneel is no Mike though. Maybe I should just reread the last bit of TMiaHM again and get ALL THE FEELINGS out. #I will never not be EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED by that ending. #All this talk about suing over AI disrespecting copyright and I'm over here with my Chinese Room comparisons. #Thinking about epiphenomenalism and brains in jars and what makes a true AI less human? Nothing I'd say. #Clearly I won't survive the eventual robot uprising.

[helennorvilles]

i wish they’d just tell us when the next dw episode is coming out bc i think i wanna take the day off work

#bc it'll be a monday morning and the thought of going through a whole work day while the doctor is regenerated is like. too much lol #and i think i need the whole day to go a bit wild?? and to cry?? and possibly to have a cheese board and rewatch it in the arvo? #just all that normal self care stuff #god im obsessed with cheese boards at the minute. i bought stuff yesterday for a grand final cheese board #and i instead had a cheese board for lunch yesterday lol #i'll still have one tomorrow during the game tho i think. and maybe today too #and obviously on whichever random bloody day they actually air the doctor who episode !!! #my post tag

[gommyworm]

:^/

#i look so fucking hot today #and i have nobody to appreciate it #my best friend lives 8 hrs away and constantly leaves me on read #which i understand we both tend to drop off the face of the earth when we arent around each other #my only other friend is a guy like 3 yrs younger than me who i have more of a like ? casual friendship w where we like #complain about the government and check in on each other n stuf #and like hes a very good boy but i cant like Talk to him about my life or show him my very attractive fit bc thatd be weird asf #and the only other person i talk to is my ex lmfaooo and that has its whole set of issues #i really desperately need friends or like a bf or something like i cant sit with myself like this every day or im gonna kms #i should hit up my therapist lmaoo i ghosted her a while ago and gooooood would i love someone to talk to rn lmao #like someone who already knows backstory and like the shit involved in my stupid shitty life #man i made my makeup look so nice so i coukd stop crying all day and now i fucking ruined it lmfao #idk why im so stressed these days i just want to be dead #i genuinely think i need like professional help lol like this is way worse than normal #maybe seasonal depression on top of the regular shit ? idk whats even happening anymore #i think im gonna really try and read a book so today so i can not exist for a bit #man and i got all fancy n shit 😔😔😔😔 this sucks ass #maybe i should get some sort of diary app or soemthing so i dont have to do this on tumbkr lmfao #prpbably less embarassing that way #whatever not like ppl reading this really care plus its interesting to see ppls thots i think #i hope u enjoyed the show :^) #gommywords

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

D (sort of) told me that I was good today 🥺 brb gonna go live on that like a big sad plate of leftovers for the rest of the week

#i know realistically it means nothing #but god damn just like the smallest bit of positivity from him is still 🥵 #also turns out we managed to get covid at the same time #so that explains why i hadn't heard from him for longer than usual #sometimes i worry I'm an asshole for wanting to keep in touch with him one the hope that one day he'll want me again #other times i worry I'm a fool for the same reason #most likely i am both #he did say that it wasn't out of the realm of possibility #but maybe he was just saying that to be nice #anyway talking to him distantly only once or twice a week is still more attention than I'm getting in dating sites soooooooo #and today he said i was good and it made me cry a little bit because i feel like shit for so many reasons but fuck i want to be good #at least good for him #for someone #sure maybe it's a praise kink or whatever i just need some fucking psychological validation and there's very few sources i trust for that

[truethes]

something that i think about a lot for licht is that part of his dreams have always included immortality, just in the sense of his talent. while he is aware, to an extent, that there will be a time that comes to pass for even him. there will always be a moment in time for the boy who’s hair turned white at his first ever public recital, the man who played a concert in boston who literally grew wings before america’s elite and famous. the music he plays, the renditions he creates - ultimately the pieces he goes on to make for himself. will always be written down on paper, his name will always have a say in the world of pianists. years later he, too, has the dream that someone else will be inspired enough to pick up the keys and play the same tunes that came from his heart, from his mind - and in those moments, licht todoroki will live as the angel he truly believed himself to be. 

that doesn’t mean he’s scared to die, however. to be forgotten, to have never made as much of an impact in bringing smiles to people’s faces an tears from his art. when the mother reveals that her previous eve has passed away due to old age despite their love and marriage, his expression becomes unreadable ( to the point where strike decides to not even draw his eyes despite doing so the pages before ), it’s clear that he too doesn’t look forward to such a future that awaits him, if he can help it.

#❛ ♡ › licht : 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗰𝗮𝗻𝗼𝗻𝘀. #death / #me trying to write the mortal character after writing so many immortal: so ... hows this making you feel lich.t????????? you wanna talk abou #t it?? at all?? #HE HAS NO MORAL SUPPORT FROM MY OWN MASSIVE MUSE LIST IM SO SORRY KING ..... #i think a lot about that bit bc u know. wraths subclass' predicted licht's future. so uh. maybe she has too #even angels have to go. he'll be the first to tell you that #i feel i may be looking into the eyes not being drawn bit but they were drawn for every panel above it. and the last time they werent drawn #for him was when him and lawless were captured so hm. hm hm hmmm #crying bc the beauty of licht and lawless is that licht only imagined becoming immortalised through his music #but lawless will immortalise him for the boy outside of that. #the boy who buys two crepes just to take a bite out of both before handing it over #the angel who demands even more when he becomes drunk. the boy who managed to tell him to reach his dreams. #the way he fell for animals. the way he treated demons. #(listens to bastilles poet for two hours straight) #even if he passed. licht would find a way to reincarnate the moment he could #tumblr has now enabled javascript so after doing all i need to today ill be editing themes to add new muses bc ... i cb

[figtreeandvine]

I want to write a movie that is sort of the flip side of a Hallmark holiday movie. Not an anti-Hallmark movie, just like the other side of the same coin.

It starts with a well-dressed professional woman driving a convertible along a country road, autumn foliage in the background, terribly scenic. She turns onto a dirt road/long driveway, and stops next to a field of Christmas trees, all growing in neat, ordered rows, perfectly trimmed and pruned to form. She steps out of the car--no, she's not wearing high-heels, give her some sense!--and knocks on the door of a worn but nice-looking farmhouse. An older woman, late fifties maybe, answers the door, looking a bit puzzled. The younger woman asks if she can buy a Christmas tree now, today. The older woman says they don't do retail sales--and the younger woman breaks down crying.

Cut to the two women sitting at the kitchen table with cups of tea. The young woman (Michelle), no longer actively crying, explains that her mother loves Christmas more than anything, but is in the hospital with end-stage cancer. Her doctors don't think she'll live to see December, let alone Christmas. Nobody is selling Christmas trees in September, so could the older woman please make an exception, just this once? The older woman (Helen) regretfully explains that they have a contract to sell their trees that forbids outside sales. The younger woman nods, starts to stand up, but the older woman stops her with a hand and asks her what hospital her mother is in. After she answers the older woman says that "my Joe" will deliver a tree the next day. "Contract says I can't sell you a tree, but nothing says I can't give you one."

Next day "Joe" shows up at the hospital in flannel and jeans, with a smallish tree over her shoulder. Oh, whoops, that's Jo, Helen's daughter, short for Joanna, not Joe. Jo sets up the tree and even pulls out a box of lights and ornaments. Mother watches from hospital bed with a big smile as Jo and Michelle decorate the tree. Cue "end of movie" type sappiness as nurses and other patients gather in the doorway, smiling at the tree.

Cut to Michelle sitting in her dark apartment, clutching a mug of tea, staring out at the falling snow and the Christmas lights outside. Her apartment has no tree, no decorations, nothing. She starts at a knock on the door, goes to open it. Jo is standing there, again holding a tree over her shoulder.

Plot develops: the second tree is a gift, because Michelle might as well get it as the bank. The contract for the tree sales was an /option/ contract, which prevents them from selling to anyone else, but doesn't guarantee the sale. The corporation with the option isn't going to buy the trees, but Helen and Jo can't sell them anywhere else, and basically they get nothing. They'll lose the farm without the year's income. Michelle asks to see the contract and Jo promises to email it to her.

Next day at a very upscale law firm, Michelle asks at the end of a staff meeting if anyone in contract law still needs pro bono hours for the year. No one does, but a senior partner (Abe) takes her to his office and asks about it. She says the contract looks hinky to her ("Is that a legal term?" "Yes.") but contract law's not her thing. He raises an eyebrow and she grins and pulls a sheaf of paper out of her bag and hands it over. He reads it over, then looks up at her. "They signed this?"

More plot develops. Abe calls in underlings--interns, paralegals, whatever--and the contract is examined, dissected, and ultimately shredded (metaphorically). It's worse even than it looks--on January 1st Helen and Jo will have to repay the advanced they received at signing. The corporation has bought up a suspicious number of Christmas tree farms in previous years after foreclosure, etc.

Cut to Abe explaining all this to Helen and Jo while sitting with them and Michelle in a very swanky conference room. The firm is willing to take on the case pro bono, hopefully as a class's action suit for other farmers trapped by the contract--but there's no way it can go to court before January. Which will be too late to save the farm's income for the year. They might get enough in damages to tide them over, but….

After Michelle sees Helen and Jo out, she comes back and asks Abe if there's anything they can do immediately. Abe looks thoughtful for a long moment, then gets a really shark-like grin on his face. "Maybe…."

Cut to Helen wearing a bathrobe, coming into her kitchen in the morning. She looks out the window…and there's a food truck stopped in her driveway. She pulls a coat on over her robe and goes out--two more trucks have pulled up while she does this. Driver of the first truck asks her where they park. Another truck pulls up behind the others. Behind that is a black BMW--Abe rolls down the window and waves. Helen directs the trucks to the empty field/yard next to the house. Abe pulls up next to Helen's car and Jo's truck and parks. He and Michelle get out--Abe wearing a total power suit, Michelle in weekend casual.

The case will be easier if the corporation initially sues them for violating the (uninforcible!) contract, rather than them suing to corporation (damn if I know, but it's movie logic). So they're going to sell the trees now, and rounded up some food trucks and whatnot to draw people in.

Cue montage of Jo and Michelle running around helping people set up while Abe and Helen watch from the kitchen table. The table starts out covered in file folders…and slowly gains coffee cups and plates of cinnamon rolls. It becomes increasingly clear here that Abe and Helen are becoming as close as Jo and Michelle.

Everything gets set up and a very urban, very motley crowd appears--tats and studs and multiracial couples and LGBTQ parents and everything--and everyone is having a wonderful time eating funnel cake and choosing their tree so Jo and a bunch of rainbow-haired elves can cut it for them. At which point someone shows up from the corporation (maybe with a sheriff's deputy?) and starts yelling at Helen, who's running checkout. And suddenly Abe appears from the house and you realize why he's wearing that suit on a Saturday….

Cue confrontation and corporate flunky running off with their tail between their legs, blustering about suing. Cue Jo kissing Michelle. Cue Helen walking over and putting a hand on Abe's shoulder and smiling at her.

I want the lawyers to be the heroes because they are lawyers and know the law. I want a lesbian who lives in the country with her mother. I want urbanites to turn out as a community to help someone who isn't even part of their community. I want Michelle to keep working at her high-power job, loving Christmas and grieving her mother.

#hallmark #anti-hallmark #movie plot

[skhardwarevers1]

hot take I shouldn’t be allowed to be scared

#Send post !!!! #(Bombed a quiz and I feel like I’m gonna get yelled at(I will cry and feel worse about it)) #(And also just daily interactions with cis boys my age have me terrified of what they truly think of me !!!!) #Today is not a splendid day #Vent #ish #Idk I’m mostly freaking over the guy thing #Cuz someone I kinda know moved to my table and stuff and like. Was engaging in conversation with me specifically despite me working on stuf #And being visibly very stressed. And I know that he’s like one of /those/ guys who are a little weird in a bad way !!! So I’m a bit worried #And also there’s this other guy I know and idk if I’m overthinking the way normal people act but like every time I walk past him #Or into the room he’s in. He just. stares at me ??? Like I can’t make out his facial expression cuz I suck at that and also I avoid looking #At him and all but like. Why. Do you do that. All the time. I literally hate you sometimes leave me alone #Idk maybe I’m overthinking maybe I’m rightfully a bit weary around my cis guy peers #I just needed to express. Whatever this is. Bye I have work to do </3