idk how people with licenses dont have the urge to just like go somewhere past midnight and oh i just realized thats the must unemployed thought ive ever had.
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this is the second night in a row i’ve been feeling anxious, and i can’t pinpoint what it could be :-(
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I’m tired of the people who offer free diagnoses. I can respect and understand some self diagnoses. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that I deal with depression. That would cost money that doesn’t need to be spent.
Usually it’s harmless, something I’ve tried to reach myself to become immune to. It’s like hearing about tragedies on the news, after so many, you just stop crying and it’s not so upsetting anymore. I just got tired of people diagnosing me with ADHD or ADD. Really, it’s not their place. I didn’t ask for their opinion. They didn’t ask if I wanted their opinions conceding MY mental health. It makes me bone deep exhausted.
Some people suggest that I’m depressed-in certain seasons. Usually that comes after months of confusion as to why I’m functioning a certain way. It’s less offensive because it’s often accurate.
But it’s so confusing to have people ask me thinks similar to… ‘do your characters talk to you?’ ‘Can you see your characters?’ ‘Do you feel like sometimes you are your characters?’
On and on. And I feel panicked because I see what they’re suggesting. I’ve even asked to clarify and make sure I’m not assuming. And when I ask if they’re really trying to figure out if I might ‘see’ things-also known as hallucinating. Or if I believe I have multiple people inside of me… there’s so many things that can relate to. I get the most panicked because how do I respond? The answer is no, I don’t hallucinate in the way you suggest and no, those people aren’t apart of me… but… I mean they do come from me… Harley especially. I gift my OCs parts of me to keep safe… and yes I see them… but only through my stories… they don’t stand next to me. Though they do certainly comfort me more than most people who are next to me ever could. Also… they don’t speak to me… but I do hear them all of the time. I often refer to harley as the person making the jokes… but Harley got his sense of humor from me. How else do we cover up our insecurities? So is it me or is it Harley? I mean. I’m one person, right? But how do I explain the fact that Harley feels like a shadow living just to the right of my skin. As if we’re a drawing in red and blue, two different images depending on what lense you look through. How do I express that Harley isn’t real if he’s made up of very real parts of me? If he’s almost if not 100% me?
Do you see these questions that come up just from somebody trying to diagnose me? TEENAGERS WITHOUT ENOUGH EDUCATION OR EVEN EXPERIENCE?????????
And that’s not the least of it. I deal with enough identity searching while deciding who I want to be that when people ask me questions that suggest things like this, especially without permission I feel disrespected as if they don’t actually care. Which I can’t say for sure if that is or isn’t the case, I don’t live their life. But diagnosing others without permission isn’t always welcomed and I need a break. It’s been over a year and a half and it’s still stuck there, wondering, questioning.
*insert semi laughter* I can’t forget to mention all the times I use plural pronouns… “yeah we’re all okay over here”… it’s just me over here… right? How does that even fit into it? Is that me talking? Is it Harley? How the fuck am I supposed to know? I mean, all the years I spent with a blurred connection between me and the world, maybe Harley just took over.
Oh. My. God. I never realized this next part. I’ll change the color for ya.
In my story… Harley wasn’t the original. Harper was the “born” person if that makes sense. After her childhood traumatic incidents, she changed. Short way to explain the rest is that Harley is a mask. Harley and Harper are one coherent person with a different name for a different state of mind. But Harley is louder, funnier. Mostly he’s confident. Harper is quiet. She feels more secure in who she is even if she doesn’t want that to be the only part of her. She doesn’t force herself to smile, she’s graceful to herself and loves her family deeply. Harley is capable of this too. But there’s still some sort of split.
Connecting that back to me… What if I use Harley as my mask as well… he makes those loud confident jokes. I feel as though I’m secure through him. There’s a sense that nobody will know me better than Harley. I seriously think that Harley had saved me from myself. Maybe he didn’t stop the trauma but he was somebody I could rely on-because I was able to write him whenever. Of course all of this makes it even harder to prove that he’s not ‘me’. I know he’s fiction. That’s the truth. But how do I prove that to myself when everything suggests that in some fashion, Harley is something more?
It drives me nearly insane trying to understand this. Because he’s more than an imaginary friend. I’m aware of his fictional status but it’s hard to separate him from the real world when all of our ‘symptoms’ suggest we aren’t so separate. And when I mentioned us feeling like a blue and red drawing, why did that resonate so deeply? Why do I question myself so deeply.
And why is it that I do not feel this way with all of my other characters? Harley wasn’t my first OC. He was my fourth(-ish. He and Mazie developed at the same time). But still. What makes Harley and I different? Why do we feel more like one piece than two? But also like two very different people at the same time?
Also. Bringing it full circle. Can you see what happens to me when you suggest a diagnosis? Yes. I should be stronger to not entertain some of these thoughts but it’s actually not your place to try to insert yourself into this area of my life.
Respectfully-or not. I don’t care how you take this anymore. Shut the fuck up and get out of my private business.
Thanks guys. :P
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Work crushes are so stupid... Not only they're kind of delusional (or maybe just I am) but also like, STOP MAKING ME FEEL APPRECIATED. IT'S MAKING ME FEEL, I DON'T KNOW. BETTER.
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