#maybe it’ll go away when my ovulation time goes away

[seriouslysnape]

Hi!❣️ Your writing is pretty cool, and I love the way you portray Sev, especially!

If it isn't a bother, of course... Could I make a request? Where Snape and the Reader are expecting, and go through all the nine months (like, through things like cravings, mood swings Snaddy has to endure, buying the child's stuff and decorating the room, all of that), till delivery? Only if you'd like the 'prompt', of course.

Wish you a nice day☺️

I LOVE THISSSSSS. YES DAD SEV >>>

__

Paternal Figure

Severus Snape x Fem. Reader

Warnings: Language, Emetephobia, Sexual implications.

Word Count: 5,161

“We’re going to be one happy family.”

__

“How much longer?” Severus questioned, eyeing the pregnancy test that was lying face down on the bathroom counter.

You looked at your wrist watch that was secured on your trembling hand. You saw that it had been more than enough time for the pregnancy test to do its job. A quivering sigh flowed from your chest as you reached for the test with trembling fingers.

“It should be ready.” You replied.

Severus sat up straighter from where he sat on the bathroom floor, his blood pumping with eagerness and nervousness. You held the test to your chest for a second with your eyes closed and head lulled towards the ceiling.

You and Severus wanted a baby badly. After being married for a few years, the baby fever was becoming harder to resist between the two of you combined. It started out as a casual thing. Severus first briefly mentioned how there was still an empty room in the house that needed to be occupied. You assumed that he meant as an office space or maybe even a large walk in closet.

But when Severus suggested that the two of you turn that space into a nursery, you knew what he was implying. You had always wanted to have kids with Sev. In the beginning, Severus wasn’t totally sure how he felt about having a baby. He wasn’t great with younger people, and he was always afraid he wouldn’t be a good dad.

However, the longer the two of you were together and the more life you shared together, the more he wanted nothing more than to put a baby in you. He wanted to raise a child and teach it all the wonders of the wizarding world. He wanted your baby to be perfect.

The two of you sat and chatted for a long time about it, not wanting to rush into things. It was a huge deal after all; bringing a human into the world was a life changing ordeal. You talked it over, and you both happily agreed that you would start trying for a baby.

You admittedly became a little obsessed with getting pregnant in the first few months. You tracked your menstrual and ovulation cycles much more than usual, eventually memorizing everything down to the minute. You tried any wizard (and even a few Muggle) tricks in the book to increase your chances of conceiving, including basically pouncing on Severus any chance he was around.

If you had a free minute to spare, you were shoving him into bed and having sex with him. At first, Severus found it rather endearing that you were so excited to have a kid, but he became concerned as time went on. Getting pregnant isn’t always a quick process. Some women can so much as look at their husband and get results while some spend a better half of their life trying to even get a positive pregnancy test.

You were proving to be one of the harder cases.

With each negative pregnancy test, the more frantic you became. You felt like your fertility window was closing in on you rapidly, and if you didn’t get pregnant soon, it’d be too late. The first few negatives didn’t phase you much, but by the fifth or sixth, you were feeling discouraged. Severus was much more patient than you during all of this, holding you flush to him when you burst into tears of frustration.

It had become a monotonous and vicious cycle. You’d try to get pregnant, buy a pregnancy test, get a negative result, and fall into a weeping heap onto the bathroom floor. After one particularly hard let down, Severus stepped in. He was rocking your sobbing frame in his arms, hushing you and comforting you as best he could.

He suggested that the two of you take a break for a while, and that maybe you were trying too hard. The stress couldn’t have been good for you as a whole, and maybe taking a more casual approach would be best.

“Here’s what I’m thinking, my love. You and I take this step by step. We continue life as normal,” He said softly; “If you get pregnant then that’s good, and if you don’t, then we remain calm and try again. If much longer goes by, then we can go see your doctor.”

You nodded into his chest with heartbreaking sobs, agreeing that this had taken a huge toll on your body. You apologized for your crazy behavior, but Severus only gave a light laugh and kissed your head.

“No, no, my dear. Don’t be sorry. I want this just as much as you do.” He consoled, sweeping you off of the floor.

You were a bit apprehensive about Severus’ approach to this, but you were willing to try anything. Fast forward a few weeks later, and this was the first test you had taken since taking Severus’ advice.

“Sev...” You croaked out; “What if it’s negative?”

You were sitting against the door in your tiny bathroom, Severus sitting on the wall across from you. Your knees were almost touching one another’s as he replied.

“Then we accept it, take a few days, and try again. It’ll be alright, [Y/N].” He reassured, resting a hand on your knee in a loving way.

You exhaled deeply, already half expecting to be disappointed. You nodded, and quickly flipped the test so you could read it. Your heart hit your feet and bounced back into your ribcage at the sight. You were stoically silent as you stared in silence at the test.

Severus was watching with a clenched jaw, prepared to comfort you in case it wasn’t what you wanted to see. You kept looking at it for a few more seconds to make sure you weren’t dreaming. The double pink lines were as clear as day.

You were pregnant.

Tears filled your eyes, but they were tears of happiness. You turned the test so he could see it.

“It’s positive,” You said, smiling through the tears streaming your face; “We’re going to have a baby.”

Severus’ jaw fell open and stars of delight shot over his eyes. He himself gazed down at the test as if it would explode right in his hands.

“You’re pregnant...” He breathed out.

You nodded, wiping away at the tears with a genuine laugh. A blinding smile appeared on Severus’ face as he moved to pull you into a tight embrace. A few tears leaked from his eyes as well, the two of you mumbling “I love yous” to each other as you cried out the adrenaline and undeniably glee that you were feeling. It had almost been a year since you started trying, and now it seemed that it had paid off.

You were going to be parents.

__

The first trimester of your pregnancy was less than pleasant. While you were eternally grateful to be carrying your first child, you weren’t too thrilled about the symptoms that came with it. You were violently sick for the first few weeks, basically bringing back up anything you tried to hold down. Even something as mild as pumpkin juice was enough to make you sick just from the smell.

As disgusting as it was, Severus was by your side any time you fell ill.

“It’s okay, darling. Let it all out.” He soothed, rubbing circles onto your back as you let out another hurl.

You seemingly puked up everything you had eaten in the last ten years into the toilet bowl, a new groan escaping your chest every time you had a chance to take a breath. Severus kept your hair out of your face as best as he could, trying not to visibly grimace every time you threw up.

You closed the lid of the toilet for a minute, draping your arm over the top of it and resting your forehead on the heated skin of your forearm.

“Don’t look at me. I don’t want you to see me like this.” You grumbled miserably.

He gave a chuckle, and even though you couldn’t see it, he raised his left hand to reveal his silver wedding ring.

“In sickness and in health.” He said, wrapping his long legs around your from behind, resting his head on your back.

“I think this is an exception to that vow.” You joked, hoping that the relief you were feeling was to signal the end of today’s sickness.

Severus hummed.

“I think that this is exactly what it was referring to,” He corrected, his heart fluttering when you lifted your head with a weak smile; “Just as beautiful as ever.”

You snorted at that, but you were heartwarmed.

“How did I ever deserve you?” You asked, falling into his open arms.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

When you were actually able to have an appetite, you wanted any and every food imaginable. The pregnancy cravings were insanely hard to ignore, and it was even harder to ignore the weird things you craved.

“What...is that?” Severus questioned cautiously as he entered the kitchen, catching you in the middle of biting something he couldn’t even discern.

You looked at him with wide eyes and stopped mid-chomp. You didn’t respond, not even sure how to explain this to him. His gaze averted to the open pantry, and saw that mostly everything had been raided and placed on the kitchen counter. He had noticed that satisfying your cravings had proven to be the most difficult thus far. He inspected the food item in your hand and his stomach lurched when he realized what it was.

“Is that a treacle tart with...” He trailed off, barely able to finish the thought.

You finished his sentence, rather ashamed.

“...pickles.” You confessed.

Severus was sure that his face had turned a nasty shade of green at the thought of your concoction. He shuddered and made you put it down. You had always been creative and experimental in the kitchen, but this was too far.

“Okay, I’ve been supportive of every strange food combination you’ve come up with, but I draw the line at treacle pickle tarts.” He said with a voice full of amusement.

You whined.

“I know it’s weird, but I can’t help it. Everything we have sounds good.”

He scratched the back of his head. He never liked to tell you how to live your life, but there was no way that this was good for you or the baby.

“I don’t think Little One is going to appreciate pickles and desserts.” He noted, placing a hand on your very small baby bump.

“Little One” was the nickname that he had coined for your developing child. You and Severus had decided early on that you wanted to keep the baby’s gender a surprise up until delivery. Severus hated to keep referring to the baby as...well, “the baby”. So he had instinctively come up with all kinds of nicknames along the way.

“Well, I’m pretty sure that Little One is the only reason I want pickles.” You snapped back.

“It’s not the pickles. It’s the pickles with the tart that I can’t stomach.” Severus explained.

You sneered at him, but Severus continued before you could snark back at him.

“I’ll tell you what, princess. How about we whip up a bunch of your favorite foods, and we’ll have a nice dinner together?” He offered.

Your belly grumbled at the sound of that. You nodded in agreement, and you and Severus prepared a heavenly meal.

On top of the all day morning sickness and the nauseating cravings, your hormones were going absolutely nuts. You had never experienced such frequent mood changes like this, and poor Severus was the victim of all your emotional outbursts. It seemed as if you were blowing up at the smallest of details.

“Damn it, Sev. How many times have I told you not to leave your socks on the floor?” You hissed, angrily picking up his dirty socks.

Severus poked his head out of the bathroom that was adjoined to your bedroom, a guilty look on his face.

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I left them there.” He said truthfully.

“Just like how you didn’t realize that you left the sink faucet dripping or how you forgot to put the pillows back on the bed when you got up at 10 in the morning?” You mocked, throwing his socks into his laundry basket.

He caught how aggravated you were, and exited the bathroom to talk things over. Severus didn’t want you to be upset with him, but he knew you were just going through a lot of changes and couldn’t really control your emotions well.

“I assure you that I didn’t do those things on purpose,” He said, not even an ounce of irritation in his voice; “I’ll pick up after myself.”

His light and friendly tone made you realize that you had overreacted once again. Severus had not once lost his temper with you, no matter how bad you had nagged him. Your shoulders slumped and you looked at your feet that were close to being covered by your steadily growing bump.

You felt bad for being on his ass about something 24/7. He was trying his best to help you and make your pregnancy as comfortable as possible. You yelling at him all the time wasn’t fair to him.

“I’m sorry, Sev. It’s not you.” You uttered for the hundredth time in the last three months.

He only smiled and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Not to worry, my dear,” He mewled; “I can handle being screamed at for as long as it takes.”

__

The second trimester was actually easier than the first as far as symptoms goes. Your morning sickness had subsided, you had adapted to your ever changing hormones, and you weren’t tempted to eat everything in sight. While the symptoms were still there, they didn’t completely dictate your life.

You and Severus were well into the finer intricacies of planning for the arrival of your baby boy or girl. You were in the process of converting your extra bedroom into a nursery, which was a challenge for Severus. He was a shitty interior decorator, which wouldn’t be an issue if he hadn’t insisted that he decorate the baby’s room.

Severus wanted to be as involved as possible, never wanting you to think that he wasn’t there for you. You were ecstatic with the idea of him taking charge of the nursery, but you soon realized that wasn’t a good idea.

“We are not painting the baby’s room BLACK, Severus.” You protested, eyeing the cans of black paint on the floor.

Severus had gone out and bought all kinds of paint supplies. Paintbrushes, paint rollers, stencils, tape, etc. He was adamant about doing it all by hand (as opposed to using magic; a suggestion that he was horribly offended at), and had taken it upon himself to buy everything.

You had forgotten that there wasn’t much color interest in the world of Severus Snape.

“And why not? There’s black in other parts of the house.” He argued.

You put your hands on your hips, your back beginning to arch from the weight of your five month swelling belly.

“Yes, but this is a baby’s room. I don’t think he or she is going to like it,” You retorted back; “It’ll be too dark and...scary. I want Little One to be comfortable in here.”

Severus looked around. Perhaps, black was too extreme for such a small human. He looked a tad defeated and disappointed in himself. He was trying his hardest. You caught his dejected look.

“Oh, honey. I know you want it to be perfect,” You said, taking his face into your hands; “We can do it together. Maybe we can sneak a bit of black in here somewhere.”

He nodded.

“So, what color should we paint the room?” He asked.

You looked around this time, biting your lower lip in thought. You wanted to have gender neutral colors, and something that would be cozy for the baby.

“How about we paint the walls white? That way we can add pops of color wherever we see fit.” You said after a moment of thought.

Severus agreed, but was holding to your promise to have at least some black in the room. The nursery was an ongoing project, lasting about a week and a half. The crib was the last item placed in the room, and it was complete. You and Severus stood in the middle, basking in the finished nursery.

“It looks great, S.” You said, looking at the black painted changing table and the mobile above the crib.

“It does. I’m glad you helped me.” He admitted, eyeing the moving pictures on the walls.

You wrapped your arms around your husband’s waist, his lips falling to your head in response.

“We’re going to be one happy family.” You announced.

Severus laughed into your hair, his heart beating with hope.

“We already are.”

You had officially made it past the halfway mark, and your due date was quickly approaching. There was still so much to do, and not a lot of time to do it. Your bump was already huge, and you still had another trimester to go. You were getting to the point where swollen feet and an aching lower back was crippling your ability to go out and do much.

You were laid out on the sofa with Severus rubbing your tired feet. You were fighting the aching pain in your back and legs from the unevenly distributed weight from your midsection.

“I really need to go out today.” You winced as another round of soreness flooded your body.

Severus’ careful hands continued to massage the aching muscles of your feet.

“Why, love? You can surely go on a day where you’re feeling in higher spirits.” He said.

While he wasn’t totally wrong, you were at the point where every day was the same as the last. You had a feeling that you wouldn’t have a “higher spirits” day for a while.

“I suppose I could. But I need to get baby clothes, pacifiers, bottles.” You grunted, exhaling heavily.

You really needed to do this, but you just weren’t feeling up to it. Then you had an idea. Since Severus didn’t get to put all his effort into the nursery, you thought you could give him a second chance.

“Severus, could you possibly go out and buy baby stuff today?” You suddenly asked.

You were honestly expecting him to say no, considering he knew nothing about baby fashion. Instead, his face brightened and he leapt up from the couch.

“Of course! Why didn’t you just ask?” He queried, giddy with joy.

You laughed at his anticipation, giving him a few instructions.

“Alright, Sev. Don’t buy anything ridiculous or anything that’s made of uncomfortable material,” You said; “And do NOT get anything Slytherin related. As much as you would like it, we have no clue what Little One is going to be sorted into when he or she is old enough.”

Severus groaned.

“Not even a-”

“No Slytherin stuff.”

“Well, what about a-”

“No, Severus.”

He groaned again, but accepted your request. As badly as he wanted his daughter or son to be a Slytherin, there was always the chance that they wouldn’t be. He’d love them regardless of what House they were in, but it would tickle him to death if they were a Slytherin.

So Severus went out into Diagon Alley with extra pep in his step, jittery as he went from store to store getting stuff for his little girl or boy. Severus had never paid much attention to baby clothes, and now that he was looking, his heart was swelling with excitement.

There were so many cute sweaters, onesies, socks, and pajama sets that absolutely made Severus burst with joy. He would pick out about a dozen outfits to start out with, knowing that you’d have to go buy more once the baby was older. But each time he thought he had enough, he’d spot two or three more outfits that he just had to buy.

He could not WAIT to see his baby in all of this stuff. It had obviously been a while since he was a child, and he was amazed at all of the new things that had been invented to make parenting easier and childhood more fun.

He bought a pacifier for every day of the week, and enough toys that would last your kid through kindergarten. He bought blankets and stuffed animals and anything else that a baby MIGHT want. Your baby was going to be spoiled to the max.

Truth be told, Severus went a little overboard with his purchases. He came back with no less than ten bags full of baby materials. You not-so-gracefully lifted yourself from the couch when he entered, several bags hooked onto each of his arms. He had a proud smile plastered on his face.

“Oh Merlin, Severus! What all did you buy??” You questioned, eyes bugging out at all the goodies in front of you.

“Clothes, pacifiers, bottles. Everything you asked for.” Severus stated innocently, you rifled through the bags at all the baby wonders.

“And toys, blankets, and stuffed animals.” You finished his list.

You looked at Severus with an entertained smile, his cheeks glowing red.

“I just want Little One to be happy.” He shrugged meekly.

You let out a soft “awh” and captured his soft lips in a sweet kiss. He already loved this baby so much that it melted your heart.

“With you as their dad, they absolutely will be.”

__

You had never been happier to enter your third and final trimester. You were in the home stretch, and you were so excited to meet your baby. You were about to pop like a balloon and, quite frankly, you had enough of it. Don’t make any mistake about it, you had cherished every moment of being pregnant, but you were ready to get some somewhat decent sleep without being kicked in the ribs every 5 minutes.

Although, with a newborn around, you weren’t sure how much sleep you would get.

Over the course of your pregnancy, Severus had become more and more protective the more your baby grew. Now that your due date was only a few days out, he jumped at any sudden movement or noise. He had eyes and ears like a hawk. He came barreling into the living room, completely naked and dripping with water from where he had just stepped into the shower.

“Darling, what was that? Are you alright?” He asked frantically as if he had just heard an airstrike.

You looked up from your book, readjusting the pillow that was underneath your massive belly to support the weight.

“Severus. I sneezed.” You declared.

Relief washed over him, and he ran a hand through his damp hair.

“Oh. Do you need anything?” He asked you for the millionth time that evening.

You laughed shortly, nodding your head.

“Yes. I’m fine,” You said; “Please try to enjoy your shower.”

Severus had been on your tail nonstop for the last three weeks. Even though most pregnancies go the full 40 weeks, your doctor said that labor could be expected once you hit 36. Sev didn’t want you out of his sights in case you went into labor early. He didn’t want to miss anything.

You had begged him to break away just for a minute, for his sake and yours. He padded back to the shower, ignoring the way his heart was thumping in his chest. You went back to your book, grinning to yourself at your anxious husband.

Once Severus was showered and somewhat calmer, you had grown tired and were ready to get in bed. Growing and carrying a baby had really tanked your energy levels, but Severus didn’t mind going to bed early. As long as he knew you and the baby were safe, he was content.

He laughed out loud when you slid into bed wearing only a pair of panties and a t-shirt that you had used a spell to stretch out. It was the only sleepwear that fit you due to your risen belly.

Getting comfortable was next to impossible, but you had gotten used to it over the last few months. You didn’t mind, because you knew it’d be back to normal soon. Severus was eyeing your tummy, looking to you with expectation once you were settled.

“Go ahead, Sev.” You giggled, knowing what he wanted.

Every single night since you had been pregnant, Severus would rub your belly and tell the human growing inside of you goodnight. Severus shimmied down to where his face was in front of your bump. He lifted the shirt up to reveal your bare belly. He left a kiss on the stretched skin, carefully placing both of his hands on you.

“Hello in there,” Severus said, smiling proudly when he felt the baby move at the sound of his voice; “Are you still kicking your mother?”

You even nodded at that, thinking about all the times that the baby had soccer kicked your ribcage or hit your bladder just right. You placed one hand over one of Severus’, and put your other in his hair as he spoke.

“I’m so ready to meet you. I love you so much already. Other than Mum, I never thought I could ever love someone this much,” Severus spoke gently; “You two are my whole world.”

You rubbed his hair as you listened. Severus had been nothing short of amazing during this process. He was more than you could ever ask for. This baby was going to be loved endlessly.

“I don’t know how great of a father I’ll be. I didn’t exactly have ideal parents. I admit that I don’t have a model to go off of. But I will love you no matter what,” He spoke; “I hope you sleep well, Little One. I can’t wait to see you.”

He pressed another kiss to the side of your belly, before returning to your side. You were misty eyed at his words, turning so you were facing him.

“Oh, Severus. You’re going to be a wonderful dad. I’ve seen the way you love this child,” You assured; “Little One is going to love you. And there’s no one else I’d rather bring a baby into this world with.”

Severus still had a modest amount of nerves, but it was drowned out with joy. He was so ready for this baby.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you, Sev.” You whispered back.

You leaned to kiss him, but just as your lips touched, you felt a contraction and a massive gush of fluid flushed out between your legs, soaking both of your lower halves. A startled gasp fell from your mouth, and Severus eyes grew about three times their normal size. You both knew what that meant.

Little One was about to make his/her entrance into the world.

__

Getting to the hospital from the time that labor began was a blind rush. Severus was positively panicked, which didn’t help your attempts to remain relaxed. He had spent 9 months preparing for this moment, and he was still caught off guard.

The hospital was busy, but you had a team of nurses and doctors ready to go. You were wheeled into a delivery room, your doctor checking to see how dilated you were. He let you know that you had one of the fastest dilations he had ever seen, because you were already at 10 centimeters. There was no time for an epidural or a spell.

It was time to push.

The nurses got your legs into delivery position, Severus taking your hand as the doctor and nurses guided you through it. You gave a hard push, screaming bloody murder and squeezing the circulation out of Severus’ hand.

“You’re doing great, my love. Keep pushing.” He praised you.

Your head fell back onto the pillow with gruff, heavy breaths. You were filled with a pain you couldn’t describe. You needed this baby out. The doctor gave you a second to rest, before instructing you to push again. You took a deep breath, every muscle in your body tensing up as you pushed. Severus scrunched his nose at how badly you were hurting his hand, but he didn’t dare say anything.

The baby’s head and shoulders were out, ear splitting cries echoing through the room. It was the most beautiful sound you had ever heard. Severus peeked between your legs, and you saw the way his face filled with pure love as he saw your baby for the first time.

“Oh, [Y/N]. Little One is gorgeous...” He breathed, wanting you to push again so you could be able to see; “Push again, darling. You’re almost there.”

The nurses and Severus were encouraging you as you pushed hard a few more times, your baby finally entering into the world. Severus was a little too squeamish to cut the cord, but he watched every single movement as the doctors and nurses cut the umbilical cord and got them cleaned up. You were breathing heavily, your entire body shaking from the strenuous action. You whimpered out to Severus, who had a better viewpoint than you did.

“Is the baby okay? Please tell me the baby’s okay...” You whined out, desperate to see him/her.

Severus was close to crying, but it was the happiest he had been in his entire life.

“The baby is perfect. You did so well, my love.” He said, kissing your sweaty forehead.

The chaos in the room died down, and one of the nurses had swaddled the crying baby. She gave a huge, kind smile and set the baby in your arms.

“Say hello to your baby girl.” She cooed.

Tears fell from your eyes as she was placed into your arms. Her cries dwindled out at the feeling and sound of your and Severus’ voices. She was the most stunning baby you had ever seen. Severus felt something awaken in him. A side of him that had been itching to come out.

“A girl...oh, a girl.” You cried happily.

Severus sniffed, holding back tears.

“She’s beautiful. She’s perfect.” Sev croaked.

He placed a kiss on her forehead, her small baby whimpers making his heart explode. The two of you sat in silence, raking over your baby’s perfection. After a minute, you looked up at Severus with a smile.

“I just thought of something we have to do.” You said.

Panic flashed over his face again. You had done everything he thought. What could there possible be to do?

“What is that, darling?” He acquired.

You giggled, kissing Severus’ cheek.

“We’ve got to pick a name for her.”

#severus snape #severus snape x reader #severus snape x you #severus #severus snape x y/n #alan rickman #Harry Potter #harry potter snape #severus snape imagine #severus snape blurb #seriouslysnape

[lemonpeter]

Sugar and Spice

Chapter 2

Sorry this one is slightly shorter, I just wanted to get the actual information and plot with all the complicated bits out of the way lol and liked the way this ended 💕 next week will be a much longer chapter with more fun stuff. I hope everyone enjoys 💕

Warnings: medical discussions, talk of a procedure (IUI) (Intrauterine Insemination), discussion of pregnancy

1.7K words

————

So much paperwork.

Peter and Tony felt like they were drowning in paperwork, something new to fill out or finalize every time they got a chance to relax. It was exhausting.

They kept telling themselves that it was worth it. It would all be worth it to have their beautiful baby in the end.

They’d had in their minds that Beatrice was going to be their surrogate since that first in-person meeting with her. So all it had taken was finishing up the remainder of the official process for them to have it all in writing. No more tense meetings, very little questions or concerns. She was who they wanted. And she was happy to work with them.

It was beyond relieving when they got the notice that they had finally finished all of their side of the legal process. And Beatrice was finishing up hers as they spoke.

It wouldn’t be too much longer before the insemination process started. Then things would really get rolling.

Everyone involved was excited.

Peter laid in bed with Tony the night it was all finalized, arms wrapped around his husband. They had laid in silence for a while, each thinking their own thoughts and processing the events of the busy day.

They’d finished up their paperwork. Beatrice had finished hers just before their lawyer closed his office for the night. Just in time. So the rest of the process could be started in the morning.

Tony sighed softly, breaking Peter out of his thoughts.

“What is it?” He asked softly.

“I just...are you sure that you’re okay with the baby biologically being mine? And not yours,” Tony asked quietly. It had been on his mind a lot. He knew they’d been through it all, pros and cons, and decided together. But he wanted to be sure that his husband wouldn’t regret it.

Peter’s expression softened. “Of course it’s okay. And- aside from all the paperwork for it being finished now- there’s nothing I’d do to change it. This is the best option, Tones.”

It was no secret that Tony was getting older. And there was no telling how much longer he would be fertile enough to help conceive a child. Peter was still younger, if they later decided to have another child then he would be the donor. But for this baby, it was decided that Tony was the best choice.

“Okay, honey. Okay. If you’re sure.” Tony turned slightly, kissing Peter gently. “This is just such a big thing. I want everything to be perfect. No regrets.”

“I promise you there won’t be any regrets. I promise, Tony,” Peter whispered. “Now...it’s been a long day, yeah? We should get to sleep. You get cranky if you don’t get your eight hours,” he teased.

Tony huffed softly, trying to mask the laugh that came with it. “Says Mr. I’ll kill you if you wake me up before eight.”

Peter laughed, holding his husband close. He moved one leg over his hip, relaxing as he got into a more comfortable position. “Sleep. Then we’ll both be happy.”

“Uh huh. Goodnight, honey.”

“Goodnight, grumpy.”

————

They were in contact with Beatrice the next morning, going over all that would have to be done.

A meeting was set up for a few days later so they could talk face to face. And it was the last time they’d see each other before the actual procedure.

Being so close to the big day made both nerves and excitement high.

They met up at the same cafe as before, gathered around the table and were comfortable as they talked.

“You don’t need to worry, I’ve already been monitoring my cycle for weeks now, since we started talking. Just so we wouldn’t have to wait too long to see where things were, yeah?” Beatrice told them with a smile.

It wasn’t her first time, so she already knew what to expect. And she was happy to walk the couple through the entire process.

“Yeah, that’s really helpful. Perfect, even.” Tony nodded. “So...what’s next?”

“Next we do the actual IUI because if we don’t within twenty four hours of ovulation, we’ve gotta wait all over again. And that’s not ideal.”

“And- so you’ve already got the stuff?” Tony asked her, fingers tapping at the table. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of what they were doing- it just didn’t seem like appropriate coffee shop conversation to ask if she had his sperm samples. So he tried to casually avoid the actual phrasing.

“Don’t make it sound like I’m doing drugs, please.” Beatrice laughed. “But yes, I have the stuff. If you don’t want to call it what it actually is. The procedure is gonna be done tomorrow, if you want to come see me or anything.”

Peter tugged on Tony’s arm gently. “We’ll definitely come see you,” he assured the woman. “You have to stay there a little while, right?”

“Yep! Gives everything a chance to settle in and…” she gestured vaguely towards her stomach. “Yknow. Take hold.” She chuckled.

The man nodded. “That makes sense. But...there’s a chance it won’t take after just the first cycle,” he said nervously. “Right?” He’d done a lot of research, wanting to understand what she’d be going through for them.

She sighed softly. “There’s always that chance. But we just have to hope for the best. I’ve been on medications that are supposed to increase fertility, your man here has nothing wrong with his end of the bargain, so we should be good to go.” She gave him a reassuring smile.

“You’re just going to say everything but the technical term now, aren’t you?” Tony asked, trying not to look amused. He failed.

“Oh, that’s on you. You refused to say it first, now I’m gonna do everything I can to avoid saying it as well,” Beatrice said innocently. “Wouldn’t want to make my intended parents uncomfortable.”

Peter laughed, covering his mouth. Oh, there was no doubt in his mind that she was the perfect person to be helping them. There were a lot of other good factors, but the fact that she had a sense of humor and was even willing to tease Tony made everything that much easier. Nothing tense between any of them. It was all light and fun and as easy as possible.

“Okay, yeah, I guess I did start this,” Tony agreed, snorting. “Whatever. Have your fun.” He gave her a more sincere smile. “But I do hope everything goes well tomorrow.”

“It’ll be fine,” she assured them. “Nothing I haven’t done before.”

“Not too much pain?”

“Not much. And I’ve been through worse, so it’s alright. And it’ll be worth it,” she told them. “It will all be worth it to me for your baby.”

Her phone chimed and she glanced down to check the notification. She smiled a little. “My ex is dropping off Nikki. So I can let you guys go,” she told them, answering the text quickly. She’d told them all about her own daughter during their various meetings, gushed about how much she loved her.

She really loved being a parent. And she loved being able to help others be the same.

“Maybe we could-“ Peter stopped himself, shaking his head. “Sorry. That was definitely overstepping. Forget it.” He didn’t want to overstep, asking to meet the woman’s child. It was different than asking to meet a child she was just a surrogate for, he knew, but he still didn’t want to make her uncomfortable at all.

“No, finish what you were going to say. It’s okay,” she told him.

“I just...maybe we could meet her? I don’t know, I just kind of want to meet your daughter.” He smiled a little. He wanted to meet the girl that would technically be his child’s half sister. And he kind of wanted to see Beatrice interacting with her daughter.

“Of course! Yeah, that’s totally okay,” Beatrice assured him. “She’ll be here in just a couple minutes. I’ll warn you, she’s kinda shy, but you two are fairly calm so she should warm up quickly.”

Peter glanced to Tony. “I mean, I’m calm. You might have to work on it,” he joked.

“I bet she’ll like me sooner than she’ll like you,” he challenged.

Beatrice snorted, shaking her head. “Are you fighting over my kid now? Maybe you two should just get home and relax. Already trying to be competitive.”

Tony laughed. “Nah, we’ll be fine. I wanna meet the little squirt. And-“

His phone went off, lighting up with a notification from Pepper. “Shit, I must have forgotten something.” He read over the text, wincing. “Forgot to send her that document...Which is sitting on my desk at home. Tell Nikki we’re sorry we missed her, next time. I’ve gotta get this to Pep.”

Peter pouted, bottom lip poking out. He knew they had to get home. But it didn’t mean he had to like it. He had really wanted to meet the girl. But he figured that it could wait until a little later. It wasn’t like there was much choice. “Okay, okay.”

He stood up, pushing his chair in. “We’ll see you tomorrow, B, the procedure is at…?”

“Noon,” she answered, a soft smile on her face.

“Then we'll be there at one. Does that sound alright?” He asked, grabbing his phone and tucking it into his pocket.

Beatrice nodded. “Of course. I’ll see you then!” She said happily.

“We’ll be thinking of you,” Tony told her. “Hoping everything goes smoothly. And we’ll be right there once it’s done.”

“That sounds perfect,” she told them. “Now shoo, don’t want you to miss anything for work. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll text you when I’m going in and once I’m out.”

The couple nodded, saying their goodbyes and heading to the car.

“Sweet guys,” Beatrice murmured to herself, smiling. She glanced up when she heard an enthusiastic ‘Mommy!’ and caught the four year old that ran to her.

Being a parent was something she loved more than anything. And as she hugged Nikki close, she watched Tony and Peter’s car drive away.

Being a parent wasn’t something she’d recommend for everyone. But she was beyond thrilled to be able to help others that clearly were going to be good parents. She was happy to be able to give them the opportunity.

#starker #peter parker #tony stark #tony x peter #tony stark x peter parker #married starker #pregnancy fic #tw pregnancy #not mpreg #Beatrice (sugar and spice) #original female character #tw medical #lots of medical discussions in this chapter #sugar and spice au

[stillwithkoo]

Mindflayed | JJK pt.1

A JK halloween fic/Stranger Things AU

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: horror, smut, e2l, f2l, angst, cnc, breeding kink, daddy kink, choking kink.

Summary: Strange things happen after a one night stand with your friend, Jeon Jungkook. But you didn’t realize it’s only the beginning, and Jungkook is not who he seems. 

A/N: this is a short series lol bec im 2 lazy to write a long fic. I still hope you hoez enjoy tho! 🥴🥵 my halloween gift for y'all 💜

You recently moved to Hawkins, Indiana after staying 21 years at your family’s place or more like hellhole. In this town, you met a guy named Jungkook and his crackheady lookin gang. (his friends) they didn’t really do crack though, they were just dorks.

You became friends with them, and they made adjusting to the new town a whole lot better. You didn’t think strange things would happen in this town, as cliché as it seems- nothing ever happens here, they say. One night, seemed to change that though. You were currently on the couch, trying to doze off while watching TV with Jungkook. He was probs already asleep you thought, well that was until he inched a bit closer to you.

You paid no mind to it, since he was probably just sleepy and it probably didn’t mean anything. Well, now his head was on your shoulder. Okay? maybe he likes to cuddle? you didn’t feel uncomfortable really, because he was your friend and he was cute too. You just hoped he couldn’t hear how fast your heart was beating at his very close proximity.

Then it happened, you weren’t sure when but he was breathing on your neck. Was he awake? he was kissing your sensitive spot, like he knew it. he was peppering small but sensual kisses to your neck. You were still immobile, because of the emotions you were feeling at his sudden actions. 

He was awake now, you were quite sure. He looked at you and you couldn’t really decipher what his eyes were trying to tell. They were dark and clouded. Was it with lust? or was it with hate? you weren’t sure. You didn’t really think he’d have feelings for you, and he didn’t show signs of being interested with you at first, so you aren’t sure what to do now. You didn’t have time to decide though, because he already did it for you by attaching his lips on yours. He was kissing you kinda rough but in a good way. You kissed him back soon enough, you just blamed it on your raging hormones. Maybe you were ovulating and getting your period soon. After the passionate kiss, you think he stopped just to tell you, 

“I want you." 

He said, voice a bit hoarse from kissing. "Do you want me too y/n?” His question caught you a bit off guard. “Jungkook… I…” you actually didn’t know what to say. All you knew was that you felt good, but could you really do more than hook up with him? won’t it ruin your friendship that was just beginning to bloom?

“Answer me, baby. Do you want me too or not?” His tone demanding. He looked so hot with his long black curly hair and annoyed facial expression that you couldn’t say no. “Yes, I want you Jungkook.” you said voice barely a whisper, you were still too shy to admit it. 

But then, he curled his fingers around your neck almost choking you but not quite, and then said, “I can’t hear you babe, I need you to say it properly and louder so I can hear.” He then removed the fingers wrapped around your neck. “I want you, Jungkook. I really do.” You said voice much louder this time. “That’s my good girl. It’s good that you want me, cos I want to breed you. Can I breed you kitten?”

He said, catching you off guard again with his dirty talk. Well, if that was his kink too, then who were you to disagree with him? you were on the pill anyway. “I’d love for you to Jungkook…” You replied. 

“Call me daddy, kitten. Say it again.” he demanded. 

“I’d love for you to breed me, daddy.” He then smirked, seemingly pleased with what you said. “Part your legs then baby, let me take care of you first.” he said, and you did as you were told. You parted your legs and he peppered soft kisses on your thighs. Then he started getting a little rough and leaving bites as he goes near to where you want him the most.  

To your surprise, he fingered you first. Inserting one, and then two fingers inside your tight hole. Making digit eights on your clit, and soon enough you were shaking and cumming just from his fingers. He licked them, and watched your post orgasm face. He couldn’t deny he enjoyed seeing you like this. You’d make a perfect vessel for his offspring to be in. So if in case he dies, there will still be a mindflayer in this realm. A new one. Of course he had to use this mortal’s body to get what he wants, but he knows it’ll be worth it anyway when his plan succeeds.

He doesn’t waste time and eats you out before you can even recover. Using his tongue like he was made to do this. To do you. Licking and sucking on your sore clit like he was paid to. Leading you to your 2nd orgasm. “Are you ready to take my cock now baby? can you still take another mind blowing orgasm?”

Jungkook asked you, while you were still coming down from your high. “I dunno kook… I meant daddy- I’m pretty spent, but I’ll try.” you tiredly replied. “I’m sure you can handle one more baby, you’re a tough girl. And you’re my tough girl.” he said seductively, giving you hope that you can still take one last orgasm at least. He then picked you up bridal style and went to his room. And after laying u on his bed, without warning, he slipped his big fat cock inside you stretching your walls in a good way. In a satisfying kinda way. He was pounding into you with so much force you don’t even know where he got his strength from.

And after a while- you came the hardest you could. And he does too, inside you. Creaming your pussy with his dark-ish cum? or were your mind just playing tricks with you? maybe you were just really exhausted, you did orgasm 3 times now. 

You were so sensitive and sore, but Jungkook wanted to go at it again. You can’t believe his stamina. He wanted to fuck you doggystyle and so he did. He loved the feeling of reaching inside you even deeper, and cumming inside you even more. After you got your 4th orgasm of the night, you just wanted to sleep, too tired to get out of jungkook’s bed and take a shower. Jungkook decided he wanted to make small talk anyway. 

“Y/N, you’re still awake right?” he asked. 

“Yea, guess I am since you’re keeping me awake.” You teased. “Sorry…I just wanted to ask about what happened with us tonight…You’ll keep our offspring right?” He said, voice seeming much deeper than his usual one. It was kinda creepy, his voice and his question. 

What did he mean by keeping your offspring? “Offspring? I don’t understand what you mean Jungkook, I’m on the pill.” You retorted. “You mean you’re using protection? you can’t get pregnant?” he asked, voice seeming a little mad to be not. You nodded, obviously to say yes. Albeit, quite frustrated with his reaction.

Well shit, he can’t get you pregnant if you’re preventing yourself from the actuality of it. He was mad and pissed. You were a useless bitch then. He was gonna kill you. And so he did, by bashing your head against the wall repeatedly. But, of course, only in his mind. He couldn’t kill you yet, or another useless mortal. It would arouse suspicion, and he was trying to avoid that for now. Because he still needs to accomplish his plan, and he doesn’t want any distractions. The friends of this mortal’s body he’s inhibiting- mustn’t find out. 

Hopefully, they’re too stupid just like this mortal Jungkook, If he hadn’t followed the rats, then he wouldn’t have found him. His curiosity for the unknown had killed him. Though, the shadow monster still would’ve chosen and possessed another host, to help in making his plans come to life. And if the real Jungkook was here, well, he probably won’t be doing this with you. It’s pityfully pathetic how hard he’s trying to take control back of his own body, he’s also really quite idiotic, he should know that his attempts are futile.

But, the mindflayer took pity on him for a bit, to see what he would do. If he could warn her somehow, of what’s going on inside of him and what’s gonna happen to this town. So, he let him take control just for a little while, and warned him to hurry up before he ran out of time. 

🍁🎃🍁🎃🍁🎃🍁🎃🍁🎃🍁🎃🍁🎃🍁🎃

Jungkook sucks in a breath, shock flooding through him now that he’s finally back in his own body and consciousness. Though he knows this wouldn’t last long, and he’ll corrupt him again. He has to warn you, all of you. And you all need to stay away from him. “Y/N, wake up! wake up! You need to get the fuck out.” He yells to you and woke you up with a start. “Jungkook, what the fuck? it’s still 3am can’t you at least let me stay til the morning?” You were embarrassed and appalled at his rude behavior. 

You just fell asleep, and here he was wanting you to get out of bed and his house, away from him. Wow, he was totes such a gentleman. Men really only want you as their sextoy. “I can’t explain right now, but I don’t want to hurt you anymore than i already did. So please listen to me and just go.” He said with his voice tired. 

Was he tired from awhile ago? or was he sick? You looked at him closely, and realized there were dark bags around his eyes, and he looked more exhausted than he did last night. “Jungkook, what do you mean? you didn’t hurt me. I enjoyed it, I mean- I wanted it too. Did you regret what we did last night?” You said frustrated and meekly. “I did. It was a mistake, and now I want you to go.” he said so coldly, and he looked like he meant it.

I wanted it too. But at the right time, and I wanted it to be me, the real me to do it with you. Jungkook said in his mind, the words he couldn’t say right now to you. He grabbed your arm and made you wear a big and long sweater, then gave you some pants but he was already ushering you to go outside before you could even put them on. You couldn’t believe he could be so cruel. His front door was now open, and he was just waiting for you to finally get out and leave him. But you didn’t leave without telling him, “You’re such a cock you know that? don’t worry I’ll never talk to you again.”

And that was the last words you ever spoke to him. Jungkook was hurt. Physically, mentally and emotionally. He was also drained because of everything. Maybe he had himself to blame, maybe if he didn’t let his curiosity get the best out of him and followed the goddamn rats, this wouldn’t have happened. But, he also knows that the mind flayer would’ve just chose another host. It wouldn’t stop at anything. But what it didn’t know or might have underestimated is that, Jungkook wouldn’t stop at anything too. He just needs to get it back. His supernatural abilities, he lost it because of a tragic incident before. But he knows it will come back. And when it does, (hopefully it will, before the mindflayer kills everyone and he’s too late-) He’s gonna save everyone: You, his friends, his town, and himself. And that dickhead mindflayer will be eradicated forever.

Part 2 coming soon. ty for reading! pls reblog and comment if you liked it, positive comments and feedback are highly appreciated 😊 Reblog and tell me if you want to be added on the next taglist! 💜

A/N; also, my mindflayer in this fic is kinda ¼ human or at least it was human before shsh. and it’s a very horny mindflayer 🤣 it wanted to breed y/n to create a demon heir/child so if inc it dies, there would be a new evil monster to create havoc in the town. fortunately y/n was on b/c so thank the gods for that. 😂

#jungkook x reader #jungkook smut #jungkook fic #jungkook angst #jungkook imagines #jungkook fanfic #jungkook scenarios #mine #mindflayed part 1 #jungkook stranger things au #stranger things #jeon jungkook #jungkook aus #jungkook horror au #bts imagines #jungkook fic series #jungkook e2l fic #bts stranger things au #bts scenarios #bts fic

[butterflyinthewell]

To autistic people who are starting to menstruate...

Okay I’m gonna go all auntie Cyndi on all my younger autistic followers who are new to having periods. I’ve been having my periods for over 20 years now, so I’m experienced in this.

First off, you may have your first period and not have another one for a few months. Your periods may start and happen like clockwork. Your periods may always be irregular.

It’s normal for your ovulation and menstruation to shift throughout the year just like the seasons shift the sun’s position in the sky.

On average, your period comes about two weeks after you ovulate. I’ve pinned mine down enough to know I bleed exactly 19 days after I ovulate, so I can look at a calendar and figure out within a four day margin of when to expect my period. Note that I said on average, some people may have a shorter or longer menstrual cycle.

You’ll know you’re ovulating when you produce a lot of mucus from your vagina that looks and feels like raw egg white. It’s clear, a little more viscous than your spit, it’s very slippery and it will drip out in long strings. I produce a lot, another person may not produce much. If you notice you’re really slimy down there when you’re wiping after you pee, and the toilet paper comes away with stringy slimy stuff on it, take note of the date you saw that and note the date again when get your period. Keep taking notes and a pattern may emerge. That’s your menstrual cycle.

NOTE: If you have unprotected sex during this time, you have a strong chance of getting pregnant. Sperm can swim a long way and survive a long time in the Fallopian tubes, waiting for an egg to come down. Always assume you can get pregnant between the time of finishing a period and starting the next one.

(And I hope this second one never happens to you, but...)

If you were raped during this time, and if they ejaculated inside you or on your vulva, you may get pregnant.

Always practice safe sex and use birth control if you want to avoid pregnancy, and if you were raped you need to assume they got you pregnant and get help to deal with it ASAP.

Now, lemme tell you a little about periods and autism going together.

PMS and your period can really mess with your sensory issues, your meltdown / shutdown threshold, your tolerance for socializing and your ability to control emotions.

You might have brain fog and just feel yucky and groggy.

You might find you want to sleep more or can’t sleep at all.

You might wake up with your armpits sweating heavily.

You may notice you start sweating with less exertion, or you walk into a warm room and swear you’re standing on the sun.

On the flipside, you may feel colder than usual, so walking into a cooler place will feel like walking into Antarctica.

Your skin may get more oily and that may mean greasier hair and more pimples. I know that feels unfair if you already have a lot of acne and problems with hygiene. If your hair length permits washing your hair in a sink, you can do that if a shower is too much. Try to wash your face gently with a wet washcloth when you wake up and before going to bed. Make sure to remove all your makeup before retiring to sleep if you wear any, because it will clog your pores even more if you don’t.

Your body odor may intensify, so keep baby wipes and deodorant / antiperspirant around if showering is hard. Hand sanitizer wiped on your pits can help in a situation where you realize you reek and can’t wash off, but only use that in emergencies.

You may experience some constipation and gas. That’s progesterone’s fault, sometimes it slows down your colon.

You may go from constipated to having huge, greasy poops or even some diarrhea. That’s your hormones shifting. Sometimes a period is a natural laxative because your intestines move a little faster thanks to the hormones that make your uterus contract (prostaglandins) to push out the endometrium. So if you have issues with fecal incontinence, you may have to deal with extra odors and messes when you change your incontinence protection.

Once your period starts, you’ll probably have to pee a lot more often. This is your body getting rid of the water it retained. If you deal with urinary incontinence, this might mean you need to change your incontinence protection more often to avoid infections, skin breakdown and odors.

Btw, you can dehydrate a little as your body sheds the excess water, so make sure to stay hydrated. I take three small sips or one big gulp from my water bottle after I use the bathroom during my period. It’s a helpful routine.

You may have food cravings and appetite changes. You may feel always hungry or not want to eat much or at all. Your desire to samefood might increase. (Mine is currently the cheese pizza flavored Cheez-Its.) Increased hunger is your body getting ready to lose nutrients through your menstrual flow. If you don’t feel your hunger signals, notice if you feel irritable or weak more often, it may mean you need to eat.

Your boobs may get a little bigger and get achy-feeling, so much that you can’t stand a bra or binder. You may get achy feelings in your joints or muscles. It’s likely water retention.

You may put on some weight. This is also water retention. You may find you always gain around the same about of weight each time you’re close to your period.

You may be really impulsive or take risks you wouldn’t usually take, sometimes to the point of recklessness.

You may feel restless like you want to climb out of your skin. Your frustration threshold might plummet to nothing, so everything is aggravating.

If you have self injurious meltdowns, you may have more SIB than usual. You might also notice an increased need to stim, and sometimes stimming doesn’t help you feel better or calm down.

If you’re physically able, try to do something that makes you exert yourself, like jogging, moving heavy things or some other kind of vigorous exercise. Even dance is good if that’s what you enjoy. Think of it as venting excess energy so it’s not stuck in your chest.

If you’re not physically able to exert yourself, try snuggling under a weighted blanket and pressure stimming. Think of it as drawing excess energy to where you’re putting pressure so it’s not stuck in your chest.

You may have mood swings and default to a certain mood so much that you feel stuck in it.

If you’re prone to migraines, you’re more likely to have one when you’re premenstrual.

All of this can be scary if you’re still new to having periods.

See a doctor if your bad feelings are so bad that you get super depressed and have suicidal thoughts two or more periods in a row, It could be PMDD, which is the nasty older sister of PMS.

PMDD is premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or a very extreme version of PMS.

It’s kinda normal for PMS symptoms to vary in intensity from month to month, but if you find yourself consistently in a very bad mental state before your period, you may need extra help to handle it.

Once your flow starts, you might have bursts of feeling REALLY good or affectionate: that’s because of oxytocin and maybe some serotonin, enjoy it.

Your flow may be fairly light, get heavy and then lighten again. You may start with a lot of gushes and then it lightens up until it stops. If you normally have a light flow and suddenly it turns heavy with an increase in cramping, there may be a problem that needs a doctor to check out. If your heavy flow gets even heavier, to the point that you’re soaking through the thickest pads, there may be a problem. Don’t let them blow you off, be firm. “I don’t normally bleed this much or have this much cramping, something is up.”

Things like stress, weight gain or weight loss can affect your period. Being sick can sometimes throw it off. Periods are fickle, annoying and weird things. Keep track of them, take note of the color and amount of your flow and get to know it. Knowing your body at its baseline will help you recognize it later if something goes wrong. It may take your cycles time to find their “normal” as your body figures out how to handle having periods.

It never hurts to always have a pad, tampon, menstrual cup or whatever you use to catch your flow. Keep it in your backpack, purse, pocket, etc.. If you prefer pads, it’s always a good idea to put one in your underwear if you’re expecting your period and you go out somewhere. That way it won’t be a huge emergency if your flow starts. Putting one in when you go to sleep at the time you expect your period flow can also help you sleep easy and not worry about making a mess in your bed.

(I personally prefer thick pads, so it feels like I won’t leak, but I know that may be a sensory yuck for someone else. Try different things till you find what works.)

Those little gushes you feel occasionally are normal. Yeah, sometimes you will feel your period goop coming out. Some advice: when you’re using the toilet, push a bit and then do a kegel, which is squeezing the muscles in your vagina that stop your pee from flowing— you might push a lot of period stuff out. It’ll help you not have to change your pad as often.

I’m cis, so I can’t speak on how taking testosterone will affect periods. I will leave this open for an autistic person who is taking T to add to this if they want. 👍🏻

Now that I said all that, it’s possible you may have zero premenstrual issues and your period won’t cause you much trouble at all. Every uterus-owning body is different. People already dealing with depression or other mood disorders may have more trouble during their period, or their period may even boost their mood for a short time. As I said, everyone is different.

❤️ Take care! ❤️

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #asd #tw rape #tw pregnancy #tw menstruation #tw suicide mention #food mention

[concentrateandpush]

Lauren had worked in the fast food restaurant for 4 years, her and Dan were studying the same degree. Sometimes Dan would come and eat before the end of shift so they could walk home together. She was the girl next door and they'd lived next to each other their whole lives.

They were best friends, always had been, but one night when the families had a barbeque, both Lauren and Dan had a little too much to drink and ended up sleeping together, nothing more was said and they kind of forgot about it, despite it being both of their first times.

It was getting late and Lauren was sweeping up and in scrolled Dan, he was wearing his typical attire, a check shirt, jeans and DMs. The shoes were something that him and Lauren shared a love of.

"Hey hey hey, could I get a cheese burger and fries with a coke please madam?" Dan asked hanging on to the bar weightlessly.

Lauren chuckled and replied with "Only if you'll walk me home" and with out hesitation, Dan bowed to imply yes.

Lauren had been getting so tired recently, her back was hurting and she constantly had headaches, she assumed this was because of college stresses. But today, she was feeling super crampy, she put it down to not having a period for so long as she had always suffered with irregularity.

"You dont look great Lau, are you ok?" Dan had picked up on her uncomfortable stature. "I guess, I think I just need a hot bath, not long anyway, 45 minutes left then I can leave" Lauren powered through until she went in to the kitchen and picked up a dust pan and brush. As she bent over she felt such a strong pain that she fell down on all fours "F*ck" she shouted, it was a pain she had never experienced before, like a cramp but with severe amounts of pressure.

Gordon, the chef, went over to Lauren and asked if she needed help, by which point Lauren was embarrassed and ran to the bathroom. She slammed door behind her and sat on the toilet seat looking at the mirror to pep talk herself.

"Hoo, okay, not long left then you can get out of here, get some pain killers, have a bath and chill out, you'll be fine, stop thinking about it and it'll go away it's just a period pain, it's been months, it'll all be ok" as she said the last word the pain came back, but somehow even stronger. "Ahh, shh, hoo hoo hoo" she couldnt understand what was happening but heard the bell go off for service, gathering herself and breathing through the pain, she ran out and grabbed Dan's meal and took it to his table.

"What's going on with you? You're sweating, you really dont look well, are you ok?" Dan knows Lauren so well, he can tell something isnt right. "Honest, I'm fine, girl troubles I think" Lauren laughs nervously and runs back to the bathroom to look at her period app. The app she uses tracks periods, ovulation and sex, so when she had sex with Dan it's logged in her diary.

She slept with him in January, her last period was two weeks before, that was 9 months ago. "No, no, no, f*ck" with the realisation of what's going on dawning on her. She locks herself in a cubicle and takes her fingers to her self and touches the area, inserting her fingers slowly to see if she feels anything, she questions whether or not she would be able to feel anything, would it be too early? She feels around forcing her fingers as high up as she can and she touches something, as she touches it, a load of water floods out of her.

"Oh f*ck, I need help, I need to call someone, stay calm, I'm so stupid, oh my god it hurts so bad" panting and crying, she gets her phone out and calls her best friend Sally, she always picks up first time, breathing as rhythmically as she can so when Sally picks up she can talk

"What up gurl" Sally answers.

"Ok I need you to not freak out" Lauren warns Sally.

"What's going on? Where are you?" Sally demands.

"Okay, I need you to listen. About 9 months ago, we had a barbeque and Dan came over, I may have had a few too many drinks and we kind of.."

Sally interrupts Lauren "Girl, tell me you didnt have sex with Dan?! Are you kidding me?"

"Yes, we had sex, but this is serious, how soon can you get to the diner?" Lauren asks.

"If it happened 9 months ago why.. is this a prank? Holy shit Lauren, are you having a baby?" Sally says, putting 2 and 2 together.

"Listen to me, come in through the back door, DO NOT speak to Dan if you bump into him, come straight to the bathroom, I'm in here and I need help, DO NOT bring anyone and do not tell mom or any of my brothers"

Sally doesnt even answer and hangs up, Lauren knows she is on her way. Breathing through the contractions, Lauren has so many things on her mind, where is the baby going to sleep? Should she call Dan in? Does she even want a baby? She rubs her underbelly and realises how much weight she had put on, having always been plus size, she never noticed any difference as her clothes were so baggy.

Ten minutes pass, the door slams open and she hears Sally "Lauren?" She slams every cubicle open and Lauren pushes her door wide. Shes sat on the toilet seat and her legs are wide open, she's in the disabled cubicle so there's loads of room for Sally to get in.

"How long have you known?" Sally asks, offended that he didnt tell her.

"I didnt, I had no idea until the water came out, I haven't even done a test, Sal please help, I can feel something up there, will you look? Is that awkward? F*ck here it comes again"

"Right, Lauren look at me, you can do this, yes it's scary, but I'm here and I'm not leaving. Open your legs up, breathe through the pain and let's see what's going on yeah?"

Sally takes her eyes of Lauren's sweaty, red face and looks between her legs, "oh my god Lauren, I can see the head, the head is coming out, have you been pushing?". "No, hooo hooo, I didnt know if I should, how far out is the head?" Lauren asks as she reaches down and feels the head poking out, "Sally, go and get Dan, I think he needs to be here" Lauren orders.

Sally gets up and goes to the door until Lauren shouts "Wait, please dont go, I need you here, ahh, I dont think I can do this, I dont think I can get it out" she's overwhelmed and frustrated. "Of course you can, you can do anything, here let's get you on the floor, I'll put down my coat, sit on this, get comfortable".

Lauren is half sat up and half lying down with her hands supporting her weight. "I think I should stand up" she says frustratedly. "Okay, maybe try squatting?" Sally suggests. Neither of these girls have even seen someone give birth let alone given birth themselves. "I need to scream, but I dont want anyone to hear, I need Dan".

Lauren starts actively trying to push out the baby, panting through the pain panting, pushing, panting and pushing until she feels the ring of fire. "Sally, rub it, It hurts to bad, rub the sides, please please. Hoo hoo hoo hoo, am I stretched out fully? Ahhhh nghh". "Stay calm, the heads nearly all out, you're doing so well, I'm rubbing around the head, does this help?" Lauren starts to run her fingers around the head with Sally. "I need to push more, nghhhh, hoo, ahhh AHHHH" pushing as hard as her body will let her, gritting her teeth, the whole head is out.

"Lau? Are you in here" Dan shouts from the outside of the door.

"Dan?! Come here, come in the bathroom, please, ahhhh, DAN" Lauren shouts, needing his support, begging for his help.

Dan comes in the bathroom and opens the door to the disabled cubicle to see Lauren, legs spread and his childs head hanging out of her. Lauren is surprised that he smiled excitedly firstly, then he kneels down and holds her hand "Is it mine?" He asks. "Yeah, it's yours" she smiles. "You should have told me, I would have helped you" he says with a frown on his face. "I didnt know, I had no idea, I.. ngh, ahh". "Come on, let's get this baby out" Dan orders.

"Come on, push as hard as you can, like you're going to the bathroom, come on, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. That's so good Lau, now try holding for 10" Dan guides her.

"How do you know that?" Sally asks, curiously.

"I helped my sister give birth to my nieces, the ambulance didnt come fast enough" Dan answers.

"Come on, push down here" Dan puts his finger where Lauren can push, "Let's do this, pushing after 3 for 10 seconds, come on".

"Ooooooooooooooooooo" Lauren is in the zone and is pushing, shes almost singing with the sounds she's making. "Well done, you're getting there, the shoulders are the hardest part, just concentrate and push, okay?"

Lauren nods and pushes down as hard as she can "nggggghhhh, get an ambulance, it's coming out" Sally runs out and tells the chef to call for an ambulance and runs back in as fast as she can "Mmmfffff, shit, whoooooo, AH shit". "You're doing so good, you're beautiful doing this, you got the shoulders out, let's just push now and it should just slide out".

With one last push the baby is out and Lauren and Dan are parents.

#birth #pregnancy #pushing

[pmddnutter]

Running a business with PMDD

I suffer from a condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD for short, its sometimes referred to as severe PMS although it is certainly way worse than PMS.  It has only recently (May 2019) been recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a unique condition meaning that PMDD will be considered a separate condition to severe PMS, should see more funding and research and allow doctors across the world to standardise their terms.  Hopefully leading to more diagnoses and better treatment and understanding.

The WHO defines PMDD as:

“a pattern of mood symptoms (depressed mood, irritability), somatic symptoms (lethargy, joint pain, overeating), or cognitive symptoms (concentration difficulties, forgetfulness) that begin several days before the onset of menses, start to improve within a few days after the onset of menses, and then become minimal or absent within approximately 1 week following the onset of menses.”[i]

PMDD is debilitating, it has caused women to commit suicide.  There are no specific treatments for it; for some women hormonal contraception works well, for other antidepressants, and for a handful of women only a full hysterectomy has helped.  Whatever the treatments, PMDD is different for different women – it affects us all differently.

PMDD and Me

For me PMDD is that girl in high school that was a bit two faced, smiles to your face when she needs you but when your back is turned pulled that ‘urgh’ face and rolls her eyes to her ‘real’ mates – you know the one I mean.

She is never the same though, some months she can be quite mild and meek, maybe a bit of insomnia and overeating, sometimes a bit grumpy or irritable – kinda friendly but you know that there is a storm brewing.  Other months she is in full on Bitch Mode!  She makes me believe my husband is having an affair, she makes me eat ALL DAY, she tells me I’m no good, she makes me want to get in my car and drive as far away as possible.

And when you have this whilst running your own one-man band business it’s really bloody hard!  As a small business owner hand making you own products you already question yourself pretty much daily; is my stuff any good, why do people buy it, why aren’t people buying it, shall I just jack it in and go back to ‘real’ work full time?  So, add PMDD into the mix and I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I bloody hate rollercoasters!

With PMDD I get these amazing times of euphoria, exciting manic times where my creativity and enthusiasm are in overdrive and OMG these times are awesome.  I come up with some of my best work during this time, my marketing strategies all just seem to work, I love being around people and go out and network loads.

But then I have to crash, and I kinda know I will but I never know how hard.  Sometimes I’ll just have a teary day, one where nothing goes right, I miss stamp literally everything and nothing I post on social media is interesting, so no one comments.  But sometimes this just lasts 1 day and I don’t even realise until my period starts that this day happened.  But other times I crash bad…  I just hate everyone and everything, my customer service goes out of the window as everyone is against me.  Why bother posting on social media as I can’t make it sound nice or enthusiastic.  I spend pretty much all day holding back the tears and my horrible attitude, I just want to stay in bed but I can’t sleep, I eat EVERYTHING in sight and I literally have to force myself to do even the most menial of tasks.

One of the very worst things about these really deep lows is that I don’t recognise myself, I am usually (for the other 2/3 weeks of the month) a really happy and enthusiastic person which is why I sometimes don’t even realise the manic days have happened until the low starts.  The lows that scare me are the ones where I don’t want to be around people, especially when you have a house to run with 2 small children and a husband and a part time job.  The ones where I just can’t seem to snap out of it, I know I’m in deep, I can’t stop myself saying some nasty things and snapping at those closest to me.  The lows where any orders I get don’t matter, they’ll probably just hate it when it arrives anyway so what’s the point making it at all.  Any messages I get I just can’t be arsed to reply as the questions are just so inane and pointless, or they’re just moaning at me for no reason – no your order that you placed 10 mins ago won’t be with you tomorrow as I have to HAND MAKE IT!  I have to stop myself replying with a message saying ‘won’t you just f*ck off already, you’ll get it when I decide you’re worthy enough to make my crappy handmade sh*t that you probably won’t like anyway and you won’t bother to leave me any feedback even if you do’ (that’s a whole other blog for another time!)

So why am I writing this blog now?

It is now December 2019 and I’ve been trying to write this since PMDD awareness month back in April 2019!  At the beginning of the month I had a plan to do some awesome posts about it, create some keyrings, maybe even raise some money.  Then it hits… why would anyone want to buy any of my keyrings, I’d be doing the cause a grave injustice in creating such shit products.  Believe me, the irony of this is not lost!  The irony of the negative thoughts is never lost once I come out the other side, and it’s this irony that delays me getting the help I need.  A few days passes and you convince yourself that it wasn’t so bad, it was just you feeling a bit blue for a day.  You get on with life, looking after the kids, bury yourself in work; the high is well and truly convincing you that you are absolutely fine and that next month won’t be so bad.  But then you notice the date, it’s a few days before you are due to ovulate and here we go again…

I went to my GP in May 2019 as the symptoms were not getting any better and asked to have the hormonal coil fitted again as it had helped me so much before I had my second baby.  It was fitted in June this year and I waited the 3 months to see if it would help, it unfortunately didn’t and in October I had one of my worst lows to date.  It was horrendous and I booked a GP appointment at 2am after being awake for nearly 48hrs, having eaten god knows how much food, drunk far too much wine and cried at every little thing I watched.  I saw my GP a couple of weeks later, obviously I was feeling much better but I am determined to get this thing sorted and she was amazing and we went through the options and I decided on trying oestrogen for the 2 weeks prior to my cycle.  I had to giggle to myself when reading the instructions; firstly because I have to rub 1 squirt of this gel into my thigh at the same time every day, and secondly because this is effectively HRT given to older ladies at the time of the change LOL!

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this is working for me, I’m 4 days before I am normally due on and the symptoms are back.  Definitely not as severe as the October crash but the feelings of annoyance, self-doubt and pointlessness of it all are here, my next step is perhaps anti-depressants, so I’ll book an appointment with the GP and see what the next steps are.

My battle with PMDD and keeping sane for my business continues, even as I write this I am questioning all my plans for 2020. I have/had some great ideas but that little well of anxiety is brewing up again and I’m thinking it’ll just be better/easier to scrap it all. I won’t though, I’ll step away from social media, take some time out for me (although with this comes the Mum Guilt fun) and give myself a good talking to that this will pass and next week I’ll be buzzing and posting non-stop and bugging everyone again! Until next month…

Thanks for reading,

Emma xx

For more information and guidance for PMDD please check out the MIND website here or IAPMD here, or feel free to drop me a message.

You can also download an app to track your symptoms here.

[i] https://iapmd.org/position-statements-1/2019/6/11/world-health-organization-adds-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd-into-the-icd-11

#living with pmdd #pmdd #running a business #mental health

[twohearts-hs]

‘Can’t Have Kids’ - Harry Styles  Imagine

Words:  1,436

Pairing: Harry Styles & (Y/N) (Y/L/N)

Warnings: Swearing 

Requested: Yes @your-darkhearted-universe 

Requests are OPEN

He brought the subject up more than once, more than twice, and more than three times, but every time he did, she brought it down. He thought about it over, and over again, was that she was not ready for the fact she does not want kids with him?    Harry and (Y/N) have been together since they could remember, starting their relationship at the ripening age of nineteen, and continuing it until their age now, twenty-three. The relationship is growing, constantly, every day they learn something new about the other, and it brings much joy to both. The pair are inseparable when he goes somewhere, she’s with him, and likewise; they act like a married couple.    The one thing that has not happen is putting the ring on it. They’ve both discussed it, but she kept telling him that she is too young, maybe that’s his answer for the kids question, or maybe she wants to wait to marry. It won’t be a surprise to anyone if they told they were expecting or trying, it has to happen at some time, right?    Harry decided to bring it up once again, on a Friday night, about to go to bed. The two of them were on their bed, she was reading her book, while he was scrolling through his phone. The bedroom lights were off, except for the one light next to her, the curtains were drawn, and they were both wearing their pajamas. Harry was wearing just boxers, lying with his head on her lap, (Y/N)’s hand going through his hair, gently caressing it.    He took interest off his phone, and looked up her, noticing how her nose crinkled whenever her glasses were falling down, not wanting to put her book down or take her hand away from Harry to push them back up. Her hair was in a low bun, and all she was wearing was an overlarge shirt, and knickers, making him happy that she was so relaxed around him.    “(Y/N)?” He stated, putting his phone on his chest. She placed the book gently down from her face and looked down at him, smiling.    “Yeah?” She asked, pushing his hair back once again.    “You know I love you, right?” He said, starting out with a leading sentence, getting ready for the big guns.    “Yeah, and I love you.” She said, leaning down, quickly kissing him. He pushed up, turning towards her, and looking at her. She knew it was serious now.    “Have you ever thought about having kids… with me?” He said, her eyes grew, lip quivering, not knowing what to say.    “H, babe, I have to go brush my teeth, ok?” She stated, getting up and going as fast as she can to the bathroom.    “(Y/N), please wait!” It was a lost hope, turned down once again. * He woke up to an empty bed, there was a trace of her, with her side of the bed unmade, her glasses were gone, and as well as her phone. Harry groaned to himself, knowing that she’ll try and make it seem like it never happened, once he is downstairs. He rolled over, getting out of bed. His ringless hands come to contact with his hair, pulling it up in a bun with an elastic from her vanity. His hand came in contact with a pair of pants that were lying on the side of the chair, pulling them on quickly.    She could hear the thumping of his feet coming from upstairs, sighing to herself, she tried to keep busy. Moments later her hip came in contact with heat, her knowing it was Harry straight away.    “Morning, love.” He said, pecking kisses on the side of her neck. His hands rubbed her hips, eventually arms wrapping around her.    “What are you making, hun’?” He asked, creating conversation even though he knows that she was creating them both a cup of tea.    “Making a cup of tea, for the both of us, gorgeous.” She said, turning around, and handing it to him.    “Hmm.”    She made herself comfortable on the counter, watching him walking back and forth making himself a smoothie.    “Are you working today?” He questioned. She was watching him, amused by him in general.    “No, this is my day off and Wednesday.” She stated, taking the cup to her lips, enjoying the warmth on a cold day.    “That's weird, you’re off on a Saturday, and a Wednesday, that’s ways away.” He stated, leaning across the counter, catching her lips.    “Hmm, but it's an internship, I got to survive it to move on.” She told him, patting his cheek. He just smirked.    “So about last night?” He asked, still leaning against the quartz. She just hummed, trying her best, hoping, that he’ll not bring up the conversation.    “I liked the sex, the shower sex was nice; with all the rain and all... pure bliss.”She grinned at him, Harry chuckled, remembering the beautiful moment between one another.    “It was pretty magical, there is a lot I can do, in many ways and places.” He said, smiling. (Y/N) shook her head, looking down, chuckling.    “You are one dirty boy, Styles.” She said, sipping once again from her mug.    “But seriously, (Y/N),” he began, his smile dying to a frown, looking straight at her, her eyes fell towards her cup, finding it more interesting than anything, “I really want to start a family with you, I think we’re ready, but you keep turning it down, creating an excuse every time.” He finished, trying to grab her hand. She pushed away, trying to walk away, but Harry ran up to her.    “(Y/N) you’re doing it again.” He said, holding her arm, but she kept pushing away.    “Harry, I have to go make the bed.” She said he pulled her to the couch.    “Cut the shit, (Y/N). Tell me, just say the reason, and not make excuses.” He told her, she looked up, him taking in that she had tears in her eyes.    “Harry I don’t want to talk about it.” She said, trying to get up, but her hand was still in his.    “Can’t I talk to my girlfriend about having a family? I’ve always wanted a family with you, and you keep ignoring me! Can’t you give me that! Or at least talk to me about that!” He said silence arose.    “Seriously, (Y/N), tell me. This is an open relationship, there is honesty. Tell me please, honey. Tell me why.” He told her, wiping away the tears that ran down her cheeks. Her mouth was fumbling, words could not coming out, he wanted to hold her, and tell her it was ok; he needs to know why, though.    “Is it because we are not married, we can get married? Or you’re not ready, then you can tell me, and I’ll wait.” He said, caressing her cheeks, rubbing her shoulders.    “No, it’s not that.” She mumbled, the confusement came in him, he pondered, he needed to know more, and why.    “Ok, then…” He edged on, she broke away from him, wiping her tears, harshly, looking at the ground.    “I can’t have kids.” Those words hurt, he looked at her, poker face upon him.    “There you have the answer, Harry. I can’t fucking have kids, ok. I knew it will hurt you, your mother is edging me on, your sister, and you. So I fucking told you. I can’t have kids. I have a thing called anovulation, I was diagnosed at twenty, knowing that I could have kids, but I will have to go on a ton of drugs, and it will take time. I don’t ovulate. You may say that I have my period and all, but that does not mean I am ovulating. I can’t have kids, ok?” She said, turning to him, he was gobsmacked, speechless. He was wanted to say something, but he did not know what.    “Please don’t get mad at me. I never knew I’m sorry. We can work through it, babe. If you want to go on the drugs, go on the drugs, or we can just adopt.” He said, pulling her in.    “Yeah, of course, I’m ready; it just takes time, it’ll be a lot of work.” She said kissing him.    “Yeah, but at least that means plenty of sex.” He said, kissing her.    “God, Styles, always thinking about your dick's needs.” She said smiling at him.    “Always after yours, of course, lovely. I love you, ok?” He said, kissing her on the check plentiful of times.    “And I love you, Styles.”

Xx - Thanks for requesting - REQUESTS ARE OPEN

#Harry Styles #harry styles one shot #harry edward styles #harry styles imagines #harry styles preferences #harry styles concepts #one direction #one direction oneshot #one direction imagines #one direction preferences #one direction concepts #1d #1direction #1d imagine #1d preferences

[helencorsicadmore]

My ectopic pregnancy

5th September 2017

My ectopic pregnancy, a year on.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for nearly a year, we thought it would be easy, I’d come off the pill and thought it’ll all be simple, we’ll get pregnant and then all we’ll have to worry about is what pram to buy. Unfortunately, on 5th September 2016 our lives changed forever.

Here’s my story of my ectopic pregnancy.

My periods were always pretty straight forward being on the pill from such a young age, I knew when they were due, how long they’d last and how much pain I would/wouldn’t get. I was always pretty lucky, I only ever suffered with a few spots, slightly bigger boobs and a little bit of lower back pain throughout my period, that’s about it.

In August 2016, I was away with work when I was anticipating my period becoming due, I felt like it was coming but as I was away and busy on a work trip I didn’t think anything about the fact that I was actually 3 days late. I had the usual period like symptoms and was just ‘waiting’ for my period to start. It was an extremely busy time of year so I just put it down to a bit of stress for the delay.

On the evening of Friday 12th August 2016 my husband and I (James) were going to a friend’s wedding party, for some reason I wanted to drive, it was only a 10 minute drive but we were trying to save a bit of money and I didn’t really want a hangover the next day. We got to the party, I felt very anxious as I often do in large groups but had a lovely evening none the less.

I woke up early on the Saturday morning, 13th August 2016. I’m always an early riser (we have a Labrador that insists on a walk asap in the mornings!) I had this sudden urge to do a pregnancy test, I didn’t wake my husband, I did it alone, not really having any major thoughts about it being positive or not. It was a cheap test I had bought months ago, I waited and it was positive, ever so slightly but it was positive. I didn’t know what to do next, what to feel, I just put the test next to my husbands bedside table and went to walk the dog. I was in a bit of shock I guess, happy but in shock, we'd being trying for so long.  I left my husband sleeping and I set off with Stan (Our dog).

On my return with Stan I went up to see to James in bed, he hadn’t seen the test. So I told him I was pregnant. He gave me the biggest smile, he had just woke up mind so he was slightly confused, he thought the positive test may have just been an ovulation stick as we’d been trying those aids for a while. He was very pleased as he has always wanted to be a dad.

We both wanted to make sure it was 100% positive so we said we’d go out to get a more expensive test, by this time I was nervous but happy.

We got showered and changed and headed out to obtain a pregnancy test from the local chemist. We bought it and went across to a local café. I immediately disappeared to the toilet to do the test, to my absolute joy it was still positive. I took it back to show James (in a tissue in my bag of course) and he was just so happy, he smiled from ear to ear, I remember him saying my beautiful pregnant wife. I took a picture of the test as we were discussing how we should tell our family further down the line. I’ve still got that picture saved, I don’t think I’ll ever delete it.

We carried on our day as normal, bumping into people and feeling like I wanted to tell the world, I was only 5 weeks pregnant so obviously didn’t. We both decided not to tell anyone and would wait until we had a proper scan before we broke the news.

I called the doctor on the Monday morning and said ‘I’m pregnant’, I didn’t have clue what I was supposed to do! The lady took a few details and advised that a midwife would be in touch, she ended the call saying congratulations, I smiled.

On the Tuesday I started to bleed, it was very light to start with, so I googled it and read that this can be normal in early pregnancy so I tried to think positive. I also spoke to my midwife, she seemed pleasant enough. I gave her my dates of last period etc and I remember saying ‘oh and I think I should mention I have some bleeding’ she didn’t seem phased at all, she asked me a few more details and advised I should see how it goes and if it gets worse to contact her.

The next few days were just spent thinking will the bleeding stop or not and constant google searches about bleeding in pregnancy, not once did ectopic pregnancy appear in searches.

I tried to contact my midwife but kept getting her voicemail. I contacted my doctors again as I was by now getting very anxious and they gave me an external midwife number to contact. I called the number and it stated, ‘This line is not monitored, do not leave a message’ I was at a complete loss as to what to do next. I felt like I had nowhere to go next. I had gone from being happy to very scared and lonely with no professional support.

The bleeding was getting heavier so at this point I thought I was suffering a miscarriage, I wasn’t in any real pain but just wanted the bleeding to stop. I was bleeding so much I had to change my underwear every few hours, this was distressing for me.

It got to the stage where I wasn’t able to concentrate in work so I had  to discuss the situation with my business partner as I suffered quite a heavy loss that morning and was constantly back and forth to the toilet. Her mother was an retired midwife and she advised me to call the hospital. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate hospitals, I’d been in a few times to visit my family but not really for myself. I called the EPU (Early pregnancy Unit) and the lady I spoke to was fantastic, she advised me to come in as soon as I could.

James came with me to the appointment in the hospital, I was met by a lady called Jo, she was really gentle, really listened and took the usual observations. She advised my husband and I that it was highly like I was going through a miss-carriage. She also took my bloods that day and I got the results a few hours afterwards. The doctor explained my hormone levels should be a lot higher than they were and that I would need to come to the hospital every 48 hours to be monitored. She explained the hormone levels should be doubling every test, this is what happens when you’re pregnant (I didn’t have a Scooby about this!) if they were falling then I was losing the baby.

48 hours later I went back to the hospital as planned and had another blood test. The test showed that my hormone level had increased. But only slightly and nowhere near doubled. James and I were very confused and James asked a nurse what does this result mean? The nurse casually said to him it maybe ectopic and they need to see if the hormone levels plateau. James didn’t really have a clue what she meant and had never heard the word ectopic before. I didn’t hear the nurse mention this but James did tell me what she said.  

I spent the next week at the hospital every 48 hrs checking to see if my hormone levels were decreasing…this was so disheartening and draining.

The 3rd blood test showed my hormone levels had decreased. This is when James and I got into our head I that was having a miscarriage.

We had planned a trip to London a while back and decided to still go and visit family even though I was going through a horrible time. I explained what was happening to my brother and sister in law. On the way back from London we attended my nephew’s birthday party, this was a particularly hard time for me as trying to keep a smile when all I could think about was what was wrong with me. Nobody knew at this point I was pregnant let alone what James and I were going through.

James told his family at the birthday party. We had to leave early to do another blood test so he wanted his family to know why we had to leave early. They are a very close family. His family were very comforting towards me.  

On the Sunday evening at the hospital my blood test showed that my hormone levels had increased again, so this was even more confusing and upsetting. At this point I still thought I may be pregnant and was hoping for the absolute miracle. I was told to call again if I had any pain in my shoulders or if the bleeding got heavier.

I had a very busy week ahead, we were opening a new store and I was the lead in the opening so I was trying my best to do what I could, but my bleeding was causing me some discomfort at this point and also trying to keep a smile when all you want to do is cry was so hard. I was trying to keep focused for my colleagues. I couldn’t.

I was booked in for an ultra sound later that week to see if the baby was there, I remember being so scared, you see things on the TV that all look happy and seeing the baby on the screen, this was so far from that, I was scared shitless. I knew deep down it was bad news but I remained hopeful that my baby would suddenly be ok. The sonographer I had was to put it bluntly, very rude. It didn’t seem to bother her that I was potentially going to have some very bad news, there was no emotion, compassion, nothing at all. After what felt like an age she finally advised she couldn’t see a baby in the womb but she could see a clot in my left fallopian tube and it was not a viable pregnancy and that it was ectopic.

I was then asked to go and sit in the consultant’s room, the consultant gave me two bits of paper with no real information on and said I needed to decide whether to have keyhole surgery or have methotrexate to remove the pregnancy (A toxic injection that medically manages ectopic pregnancy). This was the most horrendous few minutes of my life. Whilst my husband and I were trying to decide what was best for me the two women in the room were laughing and joking about their day, I felt like I wanted to scream. It was so unprofessional.

We decided to have the methotrexate injections instead of opting for surgery.

That afternoon I had the methotrexate injections in both my thighs, this was the worst pain I had ever felt at this point. I couldn’t walk very much after and my stomach pain was increasing. As the nurse advised me it would get worse before it got better I just assumed this was normal.

On the evening of Sunday I was in such intense pain I was screaming when going to the toilet, I didn’t know what to do, I remember my husband asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 what is your pain, I said I think 10. We called the EPU straight away and they advised to take me to A&E.

The car journey to A&E felt like a lifetime, I could barely walk at this point as I was crimpled in pain. The lady at the desk at A&E was great, she took me through to another section of the hospital to be away from all the waiting room staring at me, and I saw a doctor immediately.

I was rushed up to EPU and saw a consultant, she examined me and advised I needed emergency surgery in order to save my life, your ectopic has ruptured and I was bleeding heavily internally, we need to act now before the worse could happen. I didn’t really know what to do or say, I was in so much pain, I was terrified. I kept saying “why me?” I was so upset and in a great deal of pain.

The next thing I know is I signed a form and I was on a bed being take to theatre. I remember saying to James if I don’t make it I love you, I’m sorry and look after Stan (Our dog). I was so scared, it suddenly dawned on me that I could have died.

I had to have a laparotomy and lost my left fallopian tube.

The next few days in hospital were the worst ever, I had not only lost our baby but having the most evasive surgery, (basically having a C-Section but not having a baby at the end) just ruined me. I had never had surgery before, never been in a hospital for myself and just felt so alone.

I was a fit, healthy and a young (ish!) woman.  I couldn’t even move, let alone walk. I couldn’t even move to sit up, I felt lost, angry and very sad.

I had some other minor issues after the surgery which meant I had to stay in for nearly a week. The hospital left a lot to be desired, but I felt safe in there as I didn’t know what to expect when I knew I had to leave, I would be on my own. I was scared to say the least. The worst thing was we were in the middle of moving house at the time, I was so frustrated, I couldn’t help at all, I couldn’t pack or unpack or anything. I’m such a hands-on person and this frustrated me so much.

Throughout the whole experience my husband was the strongest most wonderful man, I felt so sad that I couldn’t carry his baby and that I was now dependant on him to get better. But he didn’t moan, he just looked after me.

Despite this he is also a very practical person and needed to move on very quickly, I felt couldn’t.

I had lost a huge part of me, I had lost one of my fallopian tubes and of course our baby. Despite being very lucky that I was alive, I suffered with PTSD, my body had dramatically changed and I couldn’t look in the mirror for a long time. I needed counselling, I simply didn’t know where to turn.

After my operation, I didn’t have any guidance or wasn’t provided with any information on what to do next, I needed someone to talk to, some friends or just someone to listen. I was just sent away from the hospital with my pain relief and that was it.

If anyone knows me I am a google geek, I’m always like ‘oh wait I’ll google it’…through google I found a fantastic site that helped me through some of my darkest days.

I spent a lot of time on the ectopic.org.uk website, they have this fantastic forum and the volunteers on the site made me feel very comfortable, they listened, they offered advice and were the most fantastic sounding board. I cannot thank the ladies enough. The best thing about the site was they have all suffered in the same way, some worse, so they understood what I was going through. I hadn’t just lost a baby, I had lost a part of me and having a constant reminder on your body in the shape of a 5 inch scar where the baby should have come out of is difficult.

My original due date was a tough day (April 17th), you’re always thinking why isn’t she/he here? But I got through it.

Still to this day when I look at my scar I have very mixed feelings, lucky to be alive and a reminder of what I had been through. I often can’t touch it and rarely look at it.

 What I have learned.

There is not enough awareness of ectopic pregnancies, if I had been diagnosed sooner I may have not lost a tube, which meant I would not have a less chance of getting pregnant in the future and may have not needed such evasive surgery, which I have to see every day.

There is definitely not enough support afterwards, or easily available advice.

Having an ectopic pregnancy was a hugely overwhelming experience. It’s not just the physical demands, I have never felt so much emotion of grief, anxiety, being so fearful of everything and everyone being so confused all in one go.

To this day I have never heard back from my given midwife.

It is ok to grieve. I still grieve, not only about the loss of the baby but the loss of how my body changed so dramatically and how deep my PTSD went. People will avoid you as they don’t know what to say, I get that.

What I understand is that it was and still ok to avoid people that were/are pregnant. I still find this difficult to this day, not that I am not happy for those people, it just takes me a while to come around.

I now suffer quite bad ovulation pains and my scar tissue gives me jip all the time but it reminds me that I’m alive, so for that I am grateful.

I’m very open about my situation and comfortable talking about it if I need to.

Each day a year on, I remember how lucky I am to be alive and am eternally grateful for all the love and support I have had from family, the friends that were there for me, my counsellor and some complete strangers.

James and I will hopefully be able to have a family one day, I can’t say I am not scared in the slightest, I'm so scared but now I am positive to feel able to move on.

The only way is forward now, I must remember each day to be kind to myself (wonderful advice from my counsellor) and James and I are together stronger.

#ectopicpregnancy

[fostertoforever]

Infertility.

This one goes out to all the ladies struggling out there… The women who desperately want to be a mother. Who physically ache in defeat month after month after month. The ones who pay thousands of dollars to get poked, prodded, and pumped full of hormones in hopes of a miracle. Who take their temperatures and pee on sticks and hang upside down in hopes of creating life. The ones who lose faith in their bodies….faith in their God as time goes on and failures continue. As your biological clock continues to tick on and every pregnancy announcement you see gets more and more devastating- not because you’re not profoundly happy for them, but because there are no words to describe the sadness you feel for YOU. There is a unique pain that comes from loving a child that might never exist. It’s extremely hard to wait for something that may never happen, but harder to let go when it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. You fall apart, then start again, fall apart, start again, fall apart, start again. You hear other mothers complaining about their kids, about their pregnancies and you think, “God, what I would give to have one day of your life! Don’t you understand how lucky you are, you twit?!?!” You get told, “Ugh! You can have my kid! He’s driving me crazy!” (Oh yeah, because that’s a big consolation prize for my infertility, thanks). You find out that so and so is pregnant AGAIN when she doesn’t even take care of the ones she has! She said she’s too selfish to have a baby, that she hates kids, and my personal favorite, “a baby is the worst STD you can get,” but there they are. Pregnant. Again and again. Weekend flings gone wrong. Drug addicted women having sex to score drugs are giving birth but you can’t. You can’t, you can’t, you can’t. But you keep trying and trying, don’t you? Because medicine is not an exact science and you convince yourself there’s hope- there’s always hope, right? This time it’ll be different. Doctors scratch their heads and say, “Let’s try this” month after month and you follow the rules to a tee! You take your vitamins, you don’t drink caffeine or alcohol, you exercise, you journal, and you pray. You are strong. You are made for this. “It’ll happen, I just know it!” you tell yourself…And then you walk by the baby section at Walmart, and you die inside. And suddenly you’re the crazy lady in aisle 12 sobbing over burp cloths. Because it’s too difficult to think that everything you’re doing won’t work. That this is all for nothing. I remember through my fertility treatments, my doctor recommended I talk to a therapist about my issues, my feelings of inadequacy for not being able to get pregnant. I think she was getting nervous because of my hysterical sobbing (and sometimes angry outbursts) at every appointment when they’d tell me I didn’t ovulate again that month. So, I went. I sat in this guy’s office and poured my heart and soul out and all he could say was, “I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful than a pregnant woman. I hope it works out.” Seriously. I came unglued. Yes, pregnant women are beautiful. You know what else is beautiful, dufus? STRONG women. Women who have tried, who’ve failed, and who’ve pulled themselves up, put their big girl panties back on, and tried again. Should’ve known better than to pour my infertile heart out to someone with a penis. Let’s be honest here. (I apologize to any of my readers who are reading this and who have a penis. No offense, but this post is mostly for the ladies.) It’s been over 4 years since I went through this, and let me tell you, it STILL hurts. I STILL ache and I STILL grieve for that baby I’ll never have. It sounds stupid, right? Get over it, Jess. I have a son after all. I’ve had him since birth. He calls me Mommy. I have no reason to have those feelings, right? Wrong. It never goes away for me. I am profoundly sad I’ll never feel the kick of life in my belly. That my body will never be able to make a life, grow a life, and bring life of another human being into this world. I frequently feel like less of a woman. I do. And it hurts like hell. Still. And I admit that I am sooo bitter and soooo angry when I hear of abuse, neglect, drugs, etc. towards children, which is an occupational hazard in my line of work. Women that don’t deserve to be mothers- who clearly do not understand the miracle that is motherhood- getting knocked up all over the place. Sigh. So, when did I give up hope? When did I finally accept my infertile fate? It was shortly after the final phone call on October 29, 2012 when my doctor called and said, “We overlooked a test result. This one little hormone shows that you don’t have a lot of eggs and unless you do IVF, which will be a stretch, it’s going to be very difficult for you to conceive. And even then, with your other issues, you may not be able to carry a baby to term. Maybe you should consider surrogacy.” My world stopped. Maybe I had known this in my head for awhile, but I had never accepted it in my heart. I was always so sure it was going to work out- that I was meant to be pregnant. For a brief moment, I considered begging my family for their life savings. I considered quitting my job and moving to Syracuse, New York, to be near a good IVF clinic. I thought of what friend I could ask to be my oven and have a baby for me. Seriously. But after about 5 minutes of these crazy thoughts (which were done hugging my toilet on the floor of my bathroom- because I wanted to puke after I got off the phone), I knew my journey was over. This was the end of the road. (And yes, I’m totally singing Boyz to Men now). So, my husband and I decided to do foster care. We gave up on the dream of pregnancy, but we never gave up the dream of becoming parents. Four years later, we are getting ready to celebrate our son’s 4th birthday. We have a little baby girl in our home, who I thank God every single day is with us. I wake up every morning and look at her sweet, chubby face and am so grateful for another day with her. When times are tough and I’m uncertain of the future or I play the “what if” game, I’m reminded of what I just wrote- we never gave up the dream of becoming parents. Motherhood came to me in a way I had never dreamed of, but it was no less of a miracle. Maybe I’ll never get to grow a baby in my belly, but I’ve got two growing in my heart and that’s an amazing blessing. And just because I still think of the baby I never got to create, doesn’t mean I don’t love the two precious angels that were chosen for me any less. I have friends going through the long struggle of fertility treatments right now- wonderful women who would be amazing mommies. And I can see it in their faces. I know their pain and I know their heartbreak. They smile and go on with their days and pretend it’s all ok. Believe me when I tell you it’s not an easy dream to give up on. The pain will always be there. BUT the hole in your heart can be filled. It seems impossible, I know you don’t believe me, I know you think pregnancy is the only option, but it’s true. There are little people out there who need you, who are just waiting on you. After I laid eyes on my Baby P for the first time, I knew why the fertility treatments never worked. He was MY baby. And yes, the journey to forever sucked. I’m not going to sugar coat it. But he is mine and I am his and we get to live happily ever after…at least until his teenage years. Ha. Foster care isn’t for everyone. I know this better than anyone. And this isn’t some sales pitch for DHHR to get you to sign up. But I KNOW there is a need. I KNOW lots of babies need homes. When I tell people I’m a foster mother, I still get the “Oh my gosh, I could NEVER do that!” But, you’d be surprised what you’re capable of when given the opportunity. The system sucks at times. Those workers are overworked and underpaid. The goal of foster care is reunification with their family. Blood is thicker than any love and security my husband and I can provide for these kids- a fact that I sincerely struggle with, but fully accept. It’s not easy. But it’s what we signed up for. I could have either spent my life savings and my family’s life savings to try IVF and/or surrogacy OR I could’ve opened my home and my heart to children in need with the knowledge I may have to give them back. Double edged sword. What’s worse? It was a gamble we took and we won with P, but it was a hard game to play. Will we get lucky with Baby C? Time will tell. We never gave up on the dream to become parents. Bio, Foster, Adoptive, Step…..it truly doesn’t matter what comes before the word “parent.” What does matter is the love you give. We wanted to be parents. I always thought I was born to be a mother. I THOUGHT that would happen through pregnancy. Turns out, I WAS meant to be a mother, just in a different way. It doesn’t make the role any less important, especially in the eyes of my babies. My husband and I weren’t meant to create a life, but we were meant to change one (or two or three or four). We have the power to say “Nope. I am not going to let their lives be this way” and work every day to provide a safe, healthy, home full of love and laughter so these kiddos can thrive- whether they are with us forever or not. It’s pretty simple. Heart wrenching, yes, but simple. And so I truly encourage those families out there who are struggling with infertility and the immense pain and sadness that can go with it to consider opening their hearts and home to these babies in need. It’s not easy, but clearly, neither is infertility. So, to my fellow infertile sisters out there…please don’t let your hurt and your wounds stop you from becoming a mother. Don’t let defeat after defeat turn you into something you’re not. You are strong, you are valuable and you matter whether your stupid uterus is cooperating or not. And I am here to share my story and commiserate with you any hour of any day. Until next time, Mama Jess