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#maybe itll make things worse
puppyeared · 4 months
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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molliemoo3 · 5 months
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Can someone perform an exorcism on Lance's car please??? Or whatever you do to get rid of curses because that car has to fucked up in some kinda paranormal way
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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 months
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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tigeri102 · 9 months
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Hi there! I found your blog from reddit while looking for posts about how to grow a tumblr community as an artist (I used to be a regular here like 10 years ago, but I don't even use the email I had back then so I'm back fully from scratch). Any tips that you'd give to a newbie? ^^
oh ! henlo welcome to hell \o/ ill be real tho i truly have little to nothing you dont already seem to have figured out lmao. i dont know anything about community-building and i never have im just here to vibe 🙏
your theme, art, use of tags etc are all lovely fwiw !! but im no expert on getting any real mileage out of this site i just post bullshit all day baybee
edit oops i actually came up with a handful of tips while rambling in the tags and im too lazy to move em to the body text lmao but godspeed
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todayisafridaynight · 7 months
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Today at trivia: learned a baby hedgehog is called a hoglet. You've many hedgehog themed shenanigans here and I thought you'd like to know if you didn't already 💕
YEAAAHHHH LIL HOGLETS !!!!!! an UPMOST important fact to know...
#snap chats#class ended early since we were just introducing ourselves but i still managed to have the most annoying night oh my god#first my professor accidentally shook my bad hand and i didnt tell him it was A Bad Hand#people usually tell me i have a really good handshake but now my handshake look AWFUL like im sorry prof my hand has cysts in it#awful first impression and those are big to me..#it gets worse though cause i went to get eggs and detergent and my card declined For Some Reason???#the only strange thing i did lately was get gas LMAO I DONT ??? UNDERSTAND.#i mean i got my shit with another card i have but i didnt get the receipt the first time since i thought it was in the bag#but no it gets worse cause i cant even get into my dorm building cause for some reason my id card just. does not open that door#IT OPENS MY DORM ROOM BUT NOT THE BUILDING DOOR and then i couldnt find the housing department room#so i have to email them tonight. to fix my stupid card ig.#but no so i ran back out to ask the clerk if he still had my receipt and He Didnt. Fair Nuff so he just gave me a rough estimate#which is SOOO fun so heres to hoping i didnt underpay my credit card. overpay Ill Live itll prob just be a few cents more#AND THEN I HAD TO DO THE AWKWARD THING WHERE I SIGNAL TO THE DESK CLERK TO LET ME IN. AGAIN#but yeah... AND THEN I HAVE CLASS AT 8AM on god i might just skip since i want to drop the class anyway#but thats also MAD disrespectful.. ill just hope class ends early idk..#so yeah. terrible night. it WILL get worse.#maybe ill make eggs.... not like i can buy food. i mean i CAN but ugh i hate doing credit card payment that shit so extra#and to top it off as i was leaving the store Again some mate was liek 'excuse me sir- oh im sorry excuse me ma'am'#MY GUY I AM WEARING A SUIT AND A FACE MASK AND I HAVE SHORT HAIR STYLED LIKE A DEBATE CLUB MEMBER#YOU WERE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME I PROMISE LMAO kms. fr.#ok im done ranting SORRY. thank you for the reminder baby hedgehogs got cute as hell names..#im gonna try to think of old people to feel better...
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semercury · 1 year
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Also like. The insane thing is like. If what I'm afraid of happening did happen, like... Sounds like a personal problem? Skill issue?? Literally not my fault? I stay so far in my own lane that actually that's a problem in and of itself. I am vibing by myself and if people get upset to whatever degree (if!!! IF!!!!!!!!) that is not on me I am my own person doing my own things.
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spootsaline · 1 year
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(( ...iiiiii think that was my scheduled big mental illness talk of the year
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ayakinari · 1 year
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you ever just
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#duck rants about something#hoooooo man. why did all my motivation and ability to create go out the window as soon as i finished that valk piece#i cant draw. i dont know what to draw i knew what i had to draw but i cant. put it on canvas#cant go in an art block now of all times theres less than one month and a half until finals and i need some sort of portfolio put together#by then and. i am Still exhausted i thought !! it was getting better but nope i am still incredibly fatigued by Everything#and to make matters worse its thursday tomorrow meaning the classes i dislike the most i just want to lie down for 10 years maybe i dont kn#maybe pursuing art as a career was a bad idea. maybe im not fit for this but im already over a year into this art school and i dont want to#waste the money my family's put into letting me go to this school#and i absolutely love it here the teachers are nice and my classmates are cool and i made friends for the first time in years#but god if i havent been in the worst headspace of my life this past year.#well this year was going a bit too well for me in terms of art i had a steady pace of imrpoving and trying out new things but now its just#i cant do anything. no matter what i doodle or sketch or just let my hand do whatever nothings coming out and it terrifies me#maybe im being dramatic! i know someone would say im being just that#god i dont want to go to class tomorrow either im not in the mood for a religious lecture but ive already skipped the past two weeks#keep it up any more than that and itll probably result in a call to my parents#my parents are probably gonna call me later tonight anyways. should get it together til then#maybe i need a nap. maybe i need to go outside and take a walk and look at a bug. maybe i just need to go out in a field and scream#auhgh but i need to draw i need to make Something i cant halfass something the way i did last semester and barely pass#and now im getting dizzy just typing this out thanks brain#ill probably delete this later i just really need to. hhghghhhgh please let me draw. please let me make something or anything at all#i dont know what id have if it isnt art.#ive always been mediocre at everything in my life the only thing giving me peace of mind is drawing#if thats all im good for then what even use am i without it#and sure! maybe im actually not that good at it! maybe my artstyle is uninspired and boring maybe im just wasting my time!!!#but i still love it immensely i love making my silly characters i love drawing out my dumb stories i love just.#making things and being okay at it. maybe. am i actually good at this probably not. maybe im also mediocre at this and just kidding myself#sorry for being emotional on a wednesday. must be the curse#anyways
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demdol · 2 years
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new charter school makes me wear only polo shirts with its logo on it, only sweaters/hoodies with its logo, dressy shorts that are so fucking uncomfortable and prohibits anything on backpacks (keychains, pins, writing, etc). and also doesnt allow earbuds/earphones/any electronics on break. maybe im just spoiled from my old high school but this genuinely makes me want to **** ** *** ****** (i ended up venting a lot in the tags sorry but heres a little warning in case you dont want to read all of that shfbhfbvb)
#for legal reasons i cant uncensor that sorry#my old high school was so fun. sure i was extremely nervous but everybody my age was in that same boat.#at this school not only am i not in the same boat since everyone my age is already aquainted with one another-#-but i cant even use music or something to help quell my extreme nervousness. at least in my old school at the beginning i had music to get-#-through it before i had any friends.#another thing im nervous about is the fact that im unfamiliar about how this school works since its a charter and outside of the district-#-ive been in my whole school life. so now i have to adapt to their way of teaching while starting at the bottom since currently im not even-#-enrolled in honors classes. before this it was a 'given' for me to be in those as per my father's and past teachers' requests for some-#-reason. now that im not it already feels like im more inadequate and i havent even started the fucking year yet! im just so tired.-#-im tired of having these school goals thrust upon me. if anything im grateful short term wise for not being placed in honors classes but-#-the suggesting of taking all honors and ap classes is constantly being thrust upon me by the school and by my dad because itll look good-#-for college. what am i supposed to say? 'actually i dont really care so please dont make me take them as i already plan to be dead before-#-college'? my dad would drag me to the hospital like he promised as soon as he hears me say that. i just wanted to live out my last few-#-years in peace at a high school id finally become comfortable in and made friends in. but no you have to send me to the fucking charter.-#-i get the whole safety part of it but it just frustrates me so much that i have no power over any fucking thing in my school life-#-i genuinely cant make any fucking decision thatll make things happier and easier for me in school without my dad fucking interfering it-#-pisses me off so much that soemtimes my thoughts spiral out of control but i cant act on them they stay in my head. they stay in there-#-they have to. and then my dad wonders why it seems like my irritability has gotten worse ever since the transfer was finalized-#-like gee i wonder why! aughh at least the charter's free but the fucking uniforms were not. 700 dollars for uniforms for two kids. 700.-#-if i had just never been transferred in the first place then maybe he wouldnt have had to pay so much. in fact if id never been born-#-neither of my parents would have had to struggle with money as much as they have. i need to get a job soon but i am not fucking driving-#-no way am i going to make my dad pay for classes and a car and insurance. ill be dead in two years why should i make him do that. anyways-#-the job will let me earn money and when i die ill split what ive saved between my parents as an apology for wasting their money for as-#-long as ive been alive. it wont even come close to a fourth  of what theyve spent on me but i cant just give them nothing. i need to pay-#-them back at least a tiny bit. aaa im sorry for suddenly venting umm i hope the trigger tags will still work#suicide#school#parents#fathers#mothers
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saddlepunk · 2 years
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the thing they dont tell u abt writing a piece that cribs a lot on ur own emotional trauma is that writing it will trigger ur emotional trauma
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haravatats · 23 hours
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yeah nobody understands this guy like i do 😒
#.txt#^ Guy whos been into this shit for under 2 weeks. Dont even worry about it#hmm..#i saw smn that was like mad about bm winning all of their matches so far and being like isagi needs to lose#etc etc. which is like em well. the thing is that he hasnt been satisfied. at all. he hasnt fully gotten where he needs to be#NOR has he been able to do things on his own. he had noel backing him up.#also bm was winning because of evolution of other characters. particularly hiori in the last one#AND THIS MATCH IS ALSO LOOKING LIKE. kunigami gets to evolve this time for real.#isagi has been winning because hes been such a major tool in assisting other players in leveling up..#one of the main pieces of the whole thing is that isagi's evolution leads to the evolution of everyone else. and then using that he climbs#further and so on. but hmm. actually#i think maybe bm will lose the final match but not because isagi needs to lose to grow but so that rin can devour him and claw his way even#further up. and then isagi can use that for himself#and in the matches after that he'll be able to evolve past rin then because of that growth..#but i think if bm DOES lose now itll be. i think isagi might succeed in beating kaiser more fully on his own. or he'll fail to do so in a#way that he can learn from in the match. because that is his next step. like he does WANT to beat rin but his achievable next goal is#to beat kaiser. and to be able to beat him on his own without noel backing him up.#anyway. the bm wins have been more oriented around growth of other characters and isagi's getting closer but still falling short of his goal#i dont think isagi is at the point anymore that he needs to fully lose the games themselves to 'lose' and grow from it. which is what#i think people seem to be saying. i think ppl r mad that hes the protagonist and treated as such like. erm. idk. hes my favorite and im#biased but like the protagonist is the center of the story still.#AND he literally put forth so much effort in the last match b4 pxg that he fucking PASSED OUT at the end.#also i think pxg and bm both winning every single match is supposed to be not just abt the players but rhe coaches#like. its intentional that the others are doing worse because their styles arent really bringing out the best possible results the same way#loki and noel are. but loki is a 17 y/o prodigy for a reason. and noel is the best striker in the world. tbh i feel like ppl criticizing#bm having won every match are forgetting tht pxg has won every match as well. bc weve seen all the bm matches bc. isagi so..#whats my point. im lost. erm. isagi sweep forever. right now hes the key to elevating specific other players and itll be so that he can use#them for his own gain after. and the bm winning makes sense as well as pxg winning because of their teams + coaches in particular.#also its interesting that rin doesnt care about being no1 anymore. he just wants to beat isagi. so its like alright well what after that.#so i think pxg will win and rin will beat isagi and have to consider what next? and isagi will beat kaiser and be able to win against rin fr
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be-good-to-bugs · 4 months
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why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel
#the bin#shes also the only normal person in my family#and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way#cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default#idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right#i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies#and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice#i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but#i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable.#ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly#ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now#if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse#i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not#and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad#i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be#the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me#idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be#it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible#idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone#cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water#it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing#still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy#maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body#and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing#but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things#i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they#crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord#and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness#i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give#interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year#was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped#the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury#and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right#but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel#fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe#but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water#anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time#vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see#unrelated
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arolesbianism · 9 months
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Having random card au thoughts again, which is bad cause it's just reminding me how hard it's gonna be to put mygo in there unless they get useful cards rly fast </3 besties I love you but I can already smell the boring ah cards coming
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coldcrypt · 10 months
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just ate a bag of expired stir fry veg. It was smelling sweet even from outside the bag.. thats how you know its off . yummy. Hopefully I die
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toastsnaffler · 11 months
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I mean rly the only reason I got angry is bc I feel so desperately ashamed/guilty but dont want to face + accept the burden of that as my own responsibility + fault for not trying hard enough or at all lmao. so for someone to targetedly ask why I'm not trying cut a bit too close thats all.
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