#maybe this seems sad but that blog was my life blood

[changbunnies]

If You Call Me, (18+)

♡ Pairing: Bad Boy!Bang Chan x Fem!Reader

♡ Genre: heavy angst, fluff, very slice of life at times, strangers to friends to lovers, mutual pining, college au, slow burn, eventual smut, kind of love at first sight?

♡ Word Count: 43.4k

♡ Summary: After spending much of her high school life mercilessly bullied, Y/N hoped that going to college would finally allow her to move on from her past and put the pain behind her. Her hopes are crushed when it becomes apparant that the biggest perpetrator doesn't intend on letting the past stay the past- that is, until she gets unexpectedly rescued by the one person her past bullies seem to fear messing with, and he promises to protect her whenever she calls him.

♡ Warnings: flashbacks to bullying, physical assault, implied sexual assault (nothing is explicitly written), past / referenced parental death (not described), self-worth issues and self-destructive behavior, an abundance of strong language, discussions around depression / being depressed, brief descriptions of blood and injury, theft.

♡ Smut Warnings (contains spoilers): petnames (baby, angel), implied loss of virginity (reader), as usual for my works there is so much kissing, nipple play, oral (f receiving), fingering (f receiving), handjob, multiple orgasms, protected piv (shocking)

♡ Notes: please keep in mind that heavy topics and traumatizing events are a main theme of this fic, so please read with discretion! don't force yourself to read something you can't handle and won't enjoy! other than that, you can also read the story on my a03 where it is divided into chapters here (and includes an update on where i've been) and if you're interested, you can also check out my fic rec and feedback blog @stray-dreams

♡ Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.

Isolation, exile, a profound sense of loneliness. Those are the feelings you are used to, the feelings that have permeated your being and seeped into the very foundations of who you are as a person. And you weren't always this way– in fact, you can pinpoint the exact moment in time where a sad, loathful existence became all you knew.

It began a little over 3 years ago, when you started your first day of high school. That first spring semester came upon you quickly, and while you were anxious to begin, there was an almost equal level of excitement. You unfortunately were arriving alone, with your friends from middle school having spread out to various different schools that suited either their families or their own ambitions for their future.

While you would have liked to go to the same prestigious schools as some of your friends, your father simply didn’t have the money to pay for that sort of thing. On top of that, admissions were fiercely competitive, and being intelligent didn’t matter if you weren’t in the top 1% lucky enough to earn yourself a scholarship. You needed to be perfect in every single way to be considered for the honor, and that’s something you simply weren’t, and would never be.

Maybe that was bleak, but you preferred to keep your hopes and expectations grounded in realism. You wouldn’t say that you lacked confidence necessarily– just that you know what is a realistic outcome and what isn’t. And realistically, what were the chances of a miracle happening? Slim to none. So you tempered your expectations, you kept your hope on a leash, and you continued to have mundane hopes and dreams.

So it wasn’t arriving at your new, average school alone that made you the way you are now; you’d made your peace with that long before it happened. Sure, you would miss the friends you made in your younger years, but high school is supposed to be the place with the most opportunity. As long as you gave it your best effort, you’d make new friends and new memories. You’d discover what your goals for the future are, you’d work towards them with earnesty and diligence, you’d make your father proud.

At least, that was your mindset going into it; and maybe those thoughts were a bit more optimistic than your usual, but they weren’t unrealistic by any means. All those hopes were tangible and achievable, nothing about them should have been out of reach or unobtainable. And it wasn’t like you were losing contact with your friends forever– cellphones existed, and it would only be a matter of time before a free weekend arrived for you to meet up with them again. So all in all, you’d felt good. Sure, your circumstances weren’t the most ideal, but you were more than capable of making the best of them.

That’s what you thought at the time, anyways. Despite the perceived realism of your wishes, it quickly became clear to you that life had other intentions for you in the name of Park Jaehyung. A boy in the same class as you, who took a keen interest in you for reasons beyond your understanding.

It started with you noticing that he was often looking at you. You’d look up from your textbook or notes, eyes aimed at the board or your teacher for further instruction, and you’d notice his gaze in your peripheral vision. It didn’t bother you necessarily; you were friendless after all, and you thought maybe he was just trying to figure out if he should approach you.

You knew first hand how shyness or doubts could make a decision you really wanted to make more difficult than it needed to be, and the simple act of approaching a person for friendship could become the most nerve racking experience of your life. You even considered approaching him first to make it easier on him. There were plenty of times you were able to be the brave friend simply because you wanted to help, moments where all anxieties were trumped by the simple desire to help a friend.

However, he ended up approaching you first in the end, on an otherwise uneventful Friday. Most of your classmates left quickly, eager to get a start on their weekends or meetup with fellow club members for practice for their upcoming events. You were nervous as he approached but not necessarily in a negative way; at the time, you had no reason to believe he had any bad intentions with you. In fact, you were excited at the prospect of finally making a friend in your new environment after weeks of being awkward around everyone.

You were so ignorantly optimistic.

When you finished tucking your things away and lifted your head to look at Jaehyung, you met him with a smile. The conversation was pleasant at first, albeit a bit mundane. Simple small talk such as “how did you do on the test,” “how do you like the school,” and things of that nature. You don’t remember how long you two talked like that, but what you do remember is the shift in atmosphere when his friends came into the room looking for him.

“What are you still doing in here, Jae? We’ve- Oh?” you remember one of his friends saying as he stepped into the room, pausing his sentence when he noticed the two of you stood at your desk talking. The shift in Jaehyung’s expression was shockingly instant, the positivity of the boy in front of you quickly warping into an animosity that you could hardly comprehend. The friend, who you recognized as a boy who sat in the back of the classroom, let out a laugh as he stood in the doorway.

“I knew it! You do like her,” the boy chuckled with a smug expression. Jaehyung scowled as he turned away to face his friend's direction. “I told you, I don’t. I was just telling her to stay away from me,” he spits at his friend, “She’s obsessed with me.”

You were stunned, blood running cold as you looked at him in bewilderment. You just spent the last several minutes talking pleasantly and laughing, and now he’s lying about it right in front of you? So blatantly? Why? Before you could even open your mouth to defend yourself, his friend laughed loudly. “I told you, you need to stop playing with the easy ones. They get way too attached, man.” He’d said as Jaehyung stepped away from you quickly, making his way to the door with haste.

You simply watched, the words playing in a loop in your brain. Jaehyung took one last glance at you before the pair of them exited the room, leaving you by yourself with your thoughts running a mile a minute. Easy? Easy how? Because you were alone all the time? Because you’re shy? You didn’t really understand why his friend said that, or why Jae’s attitude changed so quickly. Naively, you started to think that maybe it was all a big misunderstanding, and you could clear it up on Monday when you saw him again. It was unlikely, but the shift in tone was so sudden that you really had nothing else to grasp onto to make sense of it.

But Monday came, and it was immediately clear to you that the pleasant Jaehyung you’d known for a short time was entirely fake. He’d approach you with venom, antagonize you any chance he got, his friends always cackling in the background. He’d call you names and push you around, a sick enjoyment clear on his face every time. You’d wondered if this was his intention all along; to make you like him, to spend time with you because you were vulnerable, before he’d turn it all around on you and embarrass you. His friend walking in on you in the classroom probably just sped things up a bit, and made him lose the need to build trust with you first.

Some days, you’d be lucky and were able to avoid them by bolting out of the room the minute the bell rang. Of course there were still times they caught up to you or got you into a corner, but for the most part, the strategy had worked. Eventually though, that method became nearly impossible as they got used to the trick and found ways to get you in a corner consistently. You only ever managed to catch a break on days that they needed to stay behind for detention or to be disciplined by the staff.

You hoped, you prayed, harder than you ever had for anything, that one day they would grow tired of tormenting you and just leave you alone. That staff would actually help you instead of turning a blind eye, only intervening when the boys’ actions inconvenienced their ability to work. You prayed they’d get suspended, expelled even- an unrealistic hope you knew would never come true, as little of a priority to the school’s staff as you were.

But hope was all you had then. In those incredibly dark days, where your life was the hardest it had ever been, you’d started to see the appeal of having outlandish dreams. It was comforting to imagine a world where everything about your life was perfect, where you'd easily obtained your goals and led the life you had always dreamed of, free of hurt and sadness. There was no comfort in being a realist, no solace in the tangible. And you were tired. Not the physical kind of tired that came with a hard day's work, but mentally.

You were exhausted from the constant abuse, the unending loneliness, the hopelessness that was laid out so plainly in front of you. And so you would hope; hope for a better day, an easier existence, a friend. You hoped that you’d be a braver person than you were the day before, hoped that one day the school would finally take action, hoped that one day Jae would get bored of you and finally leave you alone.

You knew painfully well how improbable it was, but it was all you had. All of it was out of your control, no matter what you did or how hard you prayed; it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t change, but even still you couldn’t let go of that hope. It was around that time however, that you realized there was something you could control- your academic scores. If you just devoted yourself to studying, to doing well on tests and keeping up your GPA, you could get yourself into a good school and put all this behind you.

You didn’t get into as good of a school as you would have liked, the strain that Jaehyung’s bullying put on your brain made studying a herculean effort, but you managed to do well enough to get accepted into a decent college just outside the city. It was enough- as long as you stuck to campus, you’d likely never see Jae again. He’d stay in the city, doing god knows what, and you’d get the fresh start you desperately needed, away from the person that made you miserable.

It's been 6 months since you moved into the campus dorms and began attending classes. Your roommates already knew each other, having been childhood friends who promised to go to the same school, but they never made you feel left out or like an outsider in your shared dorm room. They were kind, funny, and outgoing, and it would be no exaggeration to say they adopted you, bringing you out of your shell bit by bit and helping you return to the person you used to be.

There’s still pain, sadness, and loneliness, of course. Those feelings don’t just go away, but for the first time in years you began to feel.. Happy. Like things were finally going your way. You could breathe without needing to constantly look over your shoulder, or be perpetually afraid of when a moment of happiness would inevitably crumble. You could finally live. The universe seemed to want to have a laugh at your expense, however- because what would be more ironic and tragic than bringing you back to the person you hate most.

You’d never been to a party- not entirely by choice, but because the opportunity had never come your way, solitary and friendless as you were. And now that you were in college, where the surroundings are rife with parties and carefree nights, it just felt.. Unnatural for you to be involved. Like you were trying to blend where you didn’t belong, and that everyone would see through you, would recognize you for what you were all through high school; a girl desperate for friends that no one ultimately cared about.

But your roommates, the social butterflies that they were, insisted that you come with them after excitedly telling you of the invite they received. You protested at first, feeling like you'd be much too awkward and out of place in the situation to have any fun, but they were tireless in their efforts to convince you to go with them. And really, you couldn't blame them for trying so hard- you'd told them about your desire to branch out, to make more friends and experience new things, and a party was arguably one of the best places to do that. So you conceded in the end, letting them help you plan your outfit and be your guides through what was supposed to be a fun, new experience. 

And it was fun, for a time. Your friends helped you come out of your shell the most you’d ever had, introducing you to other people they knew either from their classes or from the clubs they were part of. You felt included, like you were finally part of a group, like you no longer had to be the person who watched from afar while others mingled and laughed together. 

It’s almost funny how that feeling of belonging and joy you finally felt came crashing down on you in an instant. You didn’t see him at first, and if you had, you definitely wouldn’t have separated yourself from your friends. You were supposed to be gone just a moment, a quick run to the bathroom and refresh of your drink before you’d rejoin them.

But there Jae was, standing near the stairs that led up to the bathroom, chatting with the same group of friends he’d had in high school. Your mind reeled, blood chilling as your eyes settled on him for the first time since graduation. You stood frozen for a moment, body being bumped by those trying to dance or move past you as the music continued to blare.

You suddenly became conscious of every little thing- the volume of the music in your ears, the amount of people standing between you and him, how the hairs on your neck and arm began to stand on end. You could feel the way your palms clammed up as you closed your fingers into a fist, and the thumping of your heart became loud and erratic, to the point it began to drown out everything else.  

You tried to rationalize with yourself, to calm your screaming nerves and bring your racing heart under your control. He hadn’t noticed you, and if you were lucky, and quick, he wouldn’t at all. Besides, you weren’t the same person you were in high school. You had friends now, a new home and a new life. He couldn’t torment you anymore- you wouldn’t let him. 

You take a breath, steeling yourself to walk past the man who brought you so much misery, and hope for the best. Your legs felt like lead, each step taking excruciating effort to complete. You try to keep your head down, letting your hair fall over your face to hide your recognizable features as much as possible.

You look up as you reach the steps, realizing that you’re unconsciously holding your breath as you do. Your eyes meet- not Jae’s, but his friends. And you can tell by the way he laughs, one of disbelief as much as it is amusement, that he recognizes you easily. “What?” you hear Jae question as he turns his head to see what his friend is reacting to, his eyes landing squarely on you. 

Dread is the only word that can be used to describe what you feel when his eyes meet yours. Your reaction is immediate, panic settling in before you could even hope to act rationally as you dart up the stairs. You just had to make it to the bathroom, and then everything would be fine. And you do, closing the door shut quickly behind you and locking it with a loud click.

You take a moment to breathe, to think with clarity now that you were within the safe space of a closed, locked room. You’re not proud of the visceral reaction seeing Jae gave you, the way you ran as soon as you saw him,  in what likely appeared to be a drunk girl’s desperate dash for the bathroom to those settled around the steps. It was certainly unceremonious and embarrassing, and you hate the thought that it gave Jae or any of his friends a laugh.

You let out a sigh, pulling out your phone to text your friends, hoping they’re not too drunk or that the music is too loud for them to hear their phones. You do your business, wash your hands, check your appearance in the mirror. You check your phone, and then check it again, and then once more, but no response from your friends ever comes through. 

You sigh, knowing you can’t camp out in the bathroom much longer than you have already. There are loads of people here, and someone’s going to need it sooner or later. And besides, he surely wouldn’t still target you now that you were all grown adults, right? It’s likely he didn’t even follow after you, and is just laughing that even now you’re still afraid of him. But you can’t let your fear of him control you the way it did when you were in school together. 

With another breath to calm your nerves, you unlock and open the door, and see that a small line did in fact start to build in front of the bathroom door while you were holed up inside of it. You offer an apology to the people waiting as you move past to allow the first person in, making your way quickly back towards the steps in the hopes that Jae is either no longer in that area, or has no interest in you anymore, and that you can return to where your friends are without issue. 

But of course, he’s there, standing at the top of the steps, very clearly waiting for you. Your heart sinks to your stomach, the smile that spreads on his face making you sick. “Long time no see, huh?” he says as he takes a step closer to you, his light, airy voice a stark contrast to the intentions you know he has. You don’t respond, which he takes as his sign to continue. “I didn’t expect to see you here. Don’t you want to catch up?” 

“I need to get back to my friends,” you say, finally finding your voice after the initial shock. It’s not as strong as you’d like, but considering you’ve never stood up for yourself before now, it’s enough to show how much you’ve changed since he last saw you. “Oh, you have friends now? That’s interesting,” he responds easily, taking what little pride for yourself you fostered and crushing it beneath his heel.

Before you realize it, your back is pressed against the nearest door, Jae closing the distance between you with proficient ease. Your breath catches in your throat, eyes darting to the side where the line for the bathroom remains unchanged. If you made a scene, would they help you? You honestly weren’t sure; they were all strangers to you, with varying levels of intoxication affecting them, and from their perspective, you and Jae could easily appear to be a couple sharing an intimate moment before trying to sneak away to a room. The thought alone makes your stomach churn. 

“Oh don’t worry about them, they won’t interrupt,” Jae says, that same sickeningly smug smile on his face as he seemingly has the same thought you just had. You know what comes next- his hands on you, a contact you loathe above all else, that makes your skin scream and recoil. Things were supposed to be different now. You weren’t supposed to ever see him again, but maybe you were a fool for believing that you created enough distance from him for that to be the case. 

But you didn’t come this far to be the same person you were then- you were supposed to be different, to be strong. You want to be strong, to have the courage to stand up for yourself and tell him to go fuck himself. If you don’t act now, then what was it all for? You can’t let yourself go back to the meek person who just accepted it whenever she was hurt. You clench your fists, you gather your courage, and for the first time ever, you raise your voice to him. “Don’t fucking touch me.” 

He doesn’t take you seriously in the slightest, laughing as if your words mean nothing as he reaches his hand out to touch you. In a moment of unparalleled bravery on your part, you slap it away, conveying clearly that you won’t allow him to torment you anymore. There’s surprise in his eyes for a moment, though it fades as quickly as it appeared, replaced by seething anger.

He wraps your hair in his fist, holding your head back with so much force that a searing ache spreads over your scalp. “You wanna try that again? I don't think you're thinking clearly." Jaehyung's voice is dark and threatening as he holds your head in place. So now he’s taking you seriously, huh? You glare at him, tears pricking the corner of your eyes as your fists tremble, 3 years worth of contempt rising forth all at once, practically begging to be set free, to be unleashed on the awful man before you who made your life a living hell. 

You were still scared of him, if you were being honest with yourself, but you had to be different. You had to. He was much stronger, his grip on you was painful, but if you gave up now, then what was it all for? Your perseverance had to mean something, it had to lead you to somewhere better, to help you become someone you were proud to be. You can’t let it be meaningless. 

You’re about to open your mouth to scream, determined to make a scene that can’t go ignored by anyone in the vicinity, when a voice you don’t recognize takes the both of you by surprise. “What the fuck are you doing?” You hear the unfamiliar voice call from the direction of the stairs, and you’re able to turn your head just enough to see someone standing at the top of them, arms crossed with an incredulous look on his face.

“Shit,” you hear Jaehyung mutter under his breath when he turns his gaze away from you, looking at the man who is (thankfully) interrupting the moment. “What are you doing here?” Jae asks as he slowly loosens his grip on your hair, his teeth clenching as he begrudgingly releases you from his grasp.

“Don’t tell me you came to this party not knowing you’re in my fucking house. That’s my room you’re blocking, so move,” the man says, voice stern and unflinching. Jaehyung’s expression in response is strange- he’s very clearly annoyed, angry, but there’s something else there too that you’ve never seen on him. He’s… intimidated? “Oh come on, man. You don’t mind letting an old friend borrow your room, right?” Jae’s voice turns jovial, a vain attempt at familiarity and friendliness. The stranger’s expression changes, a scoff leaving his lips as he looks at Jae in disbelief. 

The man looks at you next, observing your body language and quickly processing what it tells him. You’re very clearly distressed, body trembling, eyes angry and glossy with unshed tears; you want out of this, and now. “Doesn’t seem to me that she’s into you,” the stranger says matter-of-factly, stating the truth of the matter as he sees it. “And you’re insane if you think I’m letting you use my room for this shit. Or anyone’s for that matter.” 

“She’s just shy, isn’t that right? You’re not used to us being interrupted?” Jae says it with a sickly sweet smile before he turns his gaze back to you, leaning closer as his next words leave him in a whisper intended for only you to hear, a not so thinly veiled threat for you to play along with him, “I’m not done with you yet.” 

If it were the you of half a year ago, you probably would have buckled under the pressure, yielded to whatever it was he wanted from you. You would’ve been too afraid of the repercussions that would follow if you didn’t, afraid of what worse action he’d have in store for you if you didn’t listen to his commands. 

And that’s what Jae wants- he wants to put that fear back inside you, to remind you of all that he made you feel, all that he caused you to lose, to turn you back into the person he knew and expected you to be. You refuse to give him the satisfaction. “Get the fuck away from me,” you say, doing your best to make your voice as steady as you can possibly make it. 

You can feel the rage radiating off him, and you have to admit, it’s extremely gratifying to watch him struggle, to see him flounder after being challenged. He storms off, anger and bitterness seeping off him, as the man who saved you steps aside to let him pass. A sigh of relief leaves you once Jae is out of sight, thankful for the ordeal to finally be over.

“Are you alright?” the stranger asks as he takes a tentative step closer to you, clearly not wanting to make you feel boxed in and cornered the way Jaehyung had. “Yeah, I’m fine, thank you,” you say as you separate yourself from what is evidently his bedroom door, fixing your clothes in the places that Jae caused it to crumple. 

When you look up, you see that he is looking you over for any noticeable injury- whoever he is, it’s apparent he knows who Jae is and how he does things. It also makes you curious about how they know each other, and what it is about him that made Jae leave without putting up a real fight. 

He has dark curly hair that pairs well with his piercing gaze, but you didn't find him particularly frightening based on appearance alone. In fact, you actually thought he'd look sweet if he wasn't frowning so hard right now. He did seem quite athletic though, and you could see how bulky his arms were underneath the sleeves of his black tee. Maybe it was the difference in strength that deterred him? Jae is stronger than you, sure, but he wasn’t as built as the stranger who saved you.

Or maybe Jae is simply all bark, and no bite? That’d be ironic- your biggest tormentor being someone who is inherently a coward. But isn’t that how it usually goes? The weak preying on the weaker for the sake of gratification and a sense of superiority they wouldn’t otherwise obtain. And who better to play that role for him than you? You, who was lonely and eager to make a friend, who was too timid and kind for her own good, and without the inner strength to fight back. 

“You’re welcome to join me in my room, if you want. Uhm, not in like, a weird way or anything- just to make sure Jae will leave you alone. We’ll leave the door open so you’re comfortable and- uh, yeah.” You can’t help but smile a little following his suggestion- it’s a little awkward, but well intentioned, and you appreciate the attempt he’s making to comfort you following a tense interaction. 

You follow him inside, and true to his word, he makes no move to close the door behind you, leaving it wide open and looking out into the adjacent hallway. Looking around, you notice that his room is more.. Minimalistic than you would’ve expected from a college aged guy. A decently sized bed, a bookshelf that contained more empty space than anything, a desk that held only a laptop and a rather old looking stuffed wolf toy that you assumed was from his childhood. 

There was no clutter, no mess, no decoration- nothing that tells you a guy in his early 20s occupies the space. Apart from the led lights circling the ceiling, the walls are bare, with no pictures or posters to give insight into his interests or personality. “You can sit wherever,” he says, intending to let you have first pick for comfort’s sake. 

You decide to sit at his desk, deciding that is the better of your two options, and he flops on his bed, eyes on the ceiling as a slight sigh leaves his lips. “Regretting throwing a party?” you ask, noticing how exhausted he seems to be- dark circles under his eyes serving as a clear sign that something in his life is causing him fatigue and lack of sleep. 

“It’s not my party, it’s my brothers. The whole party thing isn’t really for me, but he wants the “whole college experience” or whatever, so, you know.. Yeah,” he closes his eyes for a moment as he speaks, seeming to think about what he wants to say before he continues to speak. “He won't have time for things like this once the fall semester starts, so why not let him have his fun until then? That’s what I think, anyways.” 

You nod, silently wondering if his brother is anyone you met downstairs, though you don’t recall meeting anyone that looks similar to him. “Do you both go to school here?” you ask, thinking it’d be nice if they do- you could do with some more friends in your life, especially ones that go to the same campus you do. 

“Oh, no, I-” he hesitates a moment, an almost indiscernible look on his face as he slightly tenses, just enough for you to gather that this topic is a bit tense for him. “I dropped out. Of high school, I mean. The whole school thing doesn’t suit me- got enough bills to pay and things to take care of without that added expense and worry, you know?”

You get it- you honestly do. Dropping out is a hard decision to make, one that society doesn’t understand comes with great personal grief and difficulty. Most people who drop out don’t do it because they want to, but because they have to, or feel there’s no other choice in the face of whatever it is they’re dealing with. There was either a time you considered it, when your bullying was at its worst, and before you found solace in pouring all your energy into studying. 

“I completely understand; I almost dropped out too. And I wouldn’t even be going to school now if it wasn’t for my scholarship.” “Really?” he sits up now, surprise written on his face as he looks at you. “Yeah, I.. didn’t have the best high school experience,” you sigh, hesitating to meet his gaze right away. He’s a stranger to you, you don’t know what happened to him, and he doesn’t know what happened to you, but there’s a strange sort.. Connection you feel? 

Like kindred spirits- two souls who lived different lives, who are on a different path, but somehow are still the same. You look at him again, realizing you don’t feel the need to hesitate or hold back your words. There’s something about him that seems trustworthy, and the sincere empathy in his eyes makes you believe that he’s someone you can confide in without regrets. 

“I was depressed, alone. I had no friends, and I don’t mean it felt that way, I literally didn’t have anyone. And Jaehyung, he- well, you saw. It was like that every single day, unrelenting. Studying was the only thing I had to escape my thoughts and feelings, so I poured everything I had into my grades. I started to view college as an escape- like if I got accepted, all my problems would be solved. I could start over, be a different person,” you swallow, emotions threatening to choke you up as you talk about your experience, but you continue on despite it. 

“Unfortunately, schools are competitive, and recruiters could easily see that despite having good grades I didn’t have the confidence or social standing to back myself up, so they chose other people. But the school here accepted me, and even though it’s still close to where I grew up I hoped it would be enough. I could meet new people, get away from everything that brought me down, and become the person I always wanted to be. And I have- you know, for the most part anyways.”

There’s a silence that lingers for a moment, one that makes you start to feel stupid for deciding to unload all that information on someone you just met, but when you meet his eyes again you no longer feel shame. As before, there is a sincere empathy, an understanding, a care, that you’d never experienced before now. 

You never talked about Jae to anyone new you met, and even your friends only know about him in the vaguest of terms because it was so hard to relive and talk about openly. But the person you met today- he saw it, in its rawest, unfiltered form, and he cared. Genuinely cared. And when you think back to all the times someone saw what was happening and ignored it, knew you were suffering and didn’t think twice about it, that care matters. 

He looks contemplative as well; like he’s thinking carefully on his words, and what impact they’ll have, as if formatting the perfect response to your admission is of crucial importance to him. And in a way, it is, because even though he’s just met you, he sees you for who you are- someone like him. Damaged. Lonely. Yearning for a connection that doesn’t yet exist, but could if you found the right person. 

He opens his mouth to speak, the words he wants to say on the tip of his tongue, but is quickly interrupted and drowned out by your phone suddenly ringing. You pull it out of your pocket quickly, and see your friend's name and photo brightly illuminated on the screen. “Y/N? I’m so sorry, I just saw your text! Are you still upstairs? I’ll come get you-” your friend comes through loud and urgent, doing her best to be heard over the loud music that surrounds her downstairs. 

“I’m fine, I promise! Where are you right now? I’ll meet you,” you assure her as you stand up from your seat, preparing yourself to leave the room. The conversation ends quickly, with you confirming with each other that you’ll meet at the base of the stairs and then head home together. 

“I’ll get going now, my friends are waiting for me, but.. before I go I just wanna say thank you for tonight, uhm..” your sentence trails off as a realization hits you. Right. You still don’t know his name yet. Thankfully, he seems to know where you’re going, and offers his name to you before you have to ask. “Chan,” he says simply, “I’m Bang Chan.” 

You smile as you repeat his name, offering your own afterwards to which he acknowledges with a nod. You make it to the door before you stop, turning back to look at him one last time before you go. “I’ll see you around..?” you ask, hoping you don't come across as too desperate to meet him again. 

“Mm, yeah, sure,” Chan replies nonchalantly, though the corners of his mouth raise in the hint of a smile. And though it’s only a slight display, it makes you smile back at him. Because even though he comes across as aloof and reserved, you've gotten the impression that he's a nice person underneath his layers. 

You found yourself thinking a lot about him when you were in bed that night; wondering about who he is beyond what you initially see, about what makes him who he is and drives what he does. Someone who is clearly empathetic beneath their rough exterior, who has compassion even for those he doesn't know, someone you want to befriend. You hoped you'd meet and talk to him again soon. 

You sigh as you approach Sunshine Cafe, your go-to stop for coffee and a sweet breakfast before beginning your day in earnest. The fall semester has spared you no mercy since it began weeks ago, with your new professors hitting you with an increasingly grueling workload and frustratingly tight deadlines. You’ve barely had time for anything, and your daily coffee is truly the only thing getting you through the immense amount of homework and academic papers that’ve been dropped into your lap. 

It always occurred to you that you greatly overestimated your ability to run into Chan again. You thought it’d only be a matter of time, at first. Though he doesn’t attend college like you and his brother do, he still has a house near campus, and even if meeting at another party was unlikely, there were still plenty of places you could end up seeing one another. And yet, either due to the amount of work that needed done keeping you home, or Chan himself also having a busy schedule, that time never came. 

Should you have just asked for his number before you left? It’s something you’d think about since that night, wondering if that would’ve been too forward or made him uncomfortable, because who knows if he wanted to be your friend as much as you wanted to be his. There was a lot you liked about Chan following your first interaction with him, but was there anything he liked about you? 

It was hard to say; you certainly hoped so, but you weren’t exactly confident in your ability to make connections with people. Apart from that, a search of his name online didn’t lead to any social media platforms you could add or follow him on. A bit strange for someone his age to be completely void of a social media presence you might think, but he didn’t really seem the type to spend his days scrolling instagram or writing personal posts on twitter in the first place. 

And honestly, wasn’t it silly to be so stuck on someone you’d met and talked to so briefly? You were broaching pathetic territory if you were being honest with yourself, but you truly couldn’t help it. There was something different about him, and not in that corny love at first sight way your friends might assume if you brought the issue up to them. You could see it in the way he interacted with you and listened to you. 

The more you thought about it though, the more embarrassed you felt about it; why did you unload your deepest feelings on a stranger? Because he was nice to you? That’s so pitiful, you’d laugh at yourself if it wasn’t so depressing. Even if you did run into him again, it’d probably be best to avoid his gaze, and save yourself from the realization that he actually thought you were a fucking weirdo and only listened to you to be polite. 

God, you were spiraling- one minute thinking it’d be best if he never saw you again, and the next praying he’d show up in your life again, even if just for a moment. But really, you just wanted to know- know for sure if you just imagined the way he cared to make yourself better, or if what you felt then was real. And if it was real, why? 

No one ever protected you before, and it was hard for you to imagine a world where someone would do that for you purely out of the kindness of their heart. You know selfless, compassionate people exist, but not for you. Even with the friends you had now, you’d hesitate to believe that they’d do anything for you beyond the surface level of friendship. And that was no fault of their own of course, you knew it was a response to your own trauma that led you to think that way, but now that you were met with the evidence that someone could be kind to you purely for the sake of it, you struggled to grapple with it. 

You could argue that your friends are nice to you purely because you’re also assigned roommates, and you needed to have a good relationship for your home life to be copasetic. They introduced you to the people in their life because living in their space meant you’d be around them as well, and by extension they were only nice to you because they needed to be. But Chan- what reason did he have to do anything for you? To listen to you or offer kindness? 

He wasn’t the first person to show you kindness after you came here, but he was the first to do so with seemingly no explanation behind it. To be kind and help you just because it was what was right, and for no reason other than that. And that’s what made him different, and made you want to see him again, to get to know him.

Another sigh leaves your lips now as you stand in line, waiting to order. You really need to stop dwelling on it and focus on more critical things at hand, i.e your paper that's due tonight and still needs to be proofread. Yes, it’s best to do what you’re used to doing, and pour all your frustrations and worries into getting yourself the best grades you possibly can. You’ll head back to your dorm as soon as your coffee is in hand, and spend the rest of your morning (and a good portion of your afternoon) into ensuring that your paper is as perfect as it can be. 

Felix, the blonde, freckled barista who has come to memorize your order, smiles sweetly as soon as he sees you. “Here’s your usual,” he says as he hands it over to you the moment you reach the counter; benefits to being a regular, and a creature of habit, you suppose- lately, he always has your order ready for you by the time you make it to the front of the line. “Thanks, I really need it today,” you reply as you put your card in the reader to pay. 

“Professor still kicking your ass?” he asks as he confirms the payment on his screen, letting you take your card out swiftly and fit it back into your wallet. “Pretty much,” you answer, though it’s not entirely true anymore; the amount of work you need to complete is definitely a major stressor, but it’s your brain’s fixation on Chan, and your subsequent worry about how you were perceived by him, that plague yours thoughts and makes finishing your work much harder than it needs to be. Felix doesn’t need to hear about any of that, though. 

You thank him for serving you before you step away to allow the line to continue to flow, and he wishes you luck with the rest of your day before he greets his next customer. You scarf down your doughnut before you step outside to leave the building, the crisp fall air instantly helping to bring your mind back to a place of normalcy. A few small sips of your drink, a tossing of your trash in the public bin, and you’re ready to make your way back to your room to tackle the behemoth of a paper you wrote that needs reviewing. 

You make it only a few steps before you’re stopped by a voice you dread hearing saying your name from behind you, one that the universe seems to love to remind you that you can’t run away from. “I’ve been looking for you,” he smiles as he steps in front of you, cutting off your path and making you stop walking. The blood in your veins feels ice cold, the alarms in your brain deafeningly loud. Fuck. How did Jae find you here? 

Stumbling upon each other at a random party, as unpleasant and unfortunate as it was, was at least feasible. College parties weren’t limited to the host’s affiliation; word of mouth took campus parties to new heights, their friends invite their friends who then invite theirs, turning what one might intend to be a simple get together between close friends and roommates into something much larger than the host ever intended. 

Yes, as much as you hated it when you ran into him, the party setting you were brought into made the most logistical sense. But here? At a small off-campus coffee shop at 9am? What the fuck was he doing here? Surely if this was a place he frequented you wouldn’t have gone so many months without coming across one another. Which leaves you to think only one thing, that you desperately hope isn’t true- he sought you out on purpose.

“I don’t want to see you,” you say, voice as stern as you can possibly make it despite the way your nerves threaten to eat you alive. You’re doing your best not to panic, reasoning with yourself that things on your side in the situation; you’re in a public space, on a fairly active street with plenty of witnesses, and lots of options for safety. As long as you don’t freeze up or mentally shut down, you’ll be okay. 

You take a step in an attempt to walk past him, but of course, he doesn’t want to allow you to leave so easily. “C’mon, don’t be like that,” he says in a tone that’s supposed to portray himself as innocently pleading for your time, but his smirk deceives his intentions. You opt to ignore him, shifting to the side to once again make your way past him. 

He reaches out to grab your arm, instantly stopping you in your tracks. “Let go of me!” you protest, trying to pull yourself out of his grasp, but to no avail. Your eyes scan the area, seeking a way to get yourself out of this situation as quickly as possible. As if sensing this, Jae pulls you towards the nearby shop alley, dragging you into it with him. 

Your coffee falls to the ground in the struggle, splashing your legs and drenching the soles of your shoes. Your eyes water, race burning red as a wave of emotions washes over you- shame, anger, misery, all of which make him laugh. “It’s a shame we were interrupted last time, isn’t it? And you don’t have your guard dog here to protect you, how sad,” he taunts, infinitely condescending in the way he speaks to you, “Go ahead and cry, he’s not gonna save you this time.” 

You squeeze your eyes shut, trying your hardest to suppress the rising panic. You need to will yourself to move, to be loud, to make it impossible for him to take advantage of you any further. You take a breath and open your eyes, surprised to see someone standing directly behind Jae- Chan. He’s yanked away from you in a sudden motion as a hand grabs his shoulder, stumbling backwards and landing awkwardly on his right foot to steady himself. “Wha- Who the fuck?” 

“Fuck off. Don’t make me teach you a lesson again,” Chan’s voice is low as he grabs Jae by the wrist and twists it, causing him to grit his teeth and release you from his grasp. Jae scowls as Chan’s grip on his wrist loosens, curses and insults quickly being muttered under his breath as he shoots you both furious looks. “You heard me. Go,” Chan says, eyebrow raised with a look that says ‘test me and you’ll regret it.’

Begrudgingly, he retreats while calling you both less than kind names and rubbing his wrist. Chan hears them of course, but making sure you’re okay is more of a priority than fixing Jae’s loose mouth. “You alright..?” he asks, looking you over for injury as he did the first time he stopped Jae from harming you. You stayed silent however, your brain struggling to process the fact that Chan is here and helped you again, and he eventually frowns. Jae may be a fucking imbecile but he was smart when he wanted to be; he didn’t hurt you enough to leave any marks- at least not anywhere Chan could see clearly. 

On top of that, you still hadn’t responded yet, and wasn’t entirely sure when your altercation even began; it was pure coincidence that he turned the corner to reach Sunshine Cafe and saw you being pulled away to the adjacent alley. But he heard what he said as he approached; “guard dog,” Jae called him. Yeah, that’s exactly what he’ll be if Jae refuses to leave you alone- your personal guard dog, ready to attack as needed.

He cautiously taps your shoulder, his eyebrows knitting together in a clear sign of concern, “Hey… you okay..?” You nod, swallowing the lump that formed in your throat. You were in shock more than anything, you think. Jae tormented you for years, and you’d grown used to it over the years. Hair pulling, tripping, slapping, dumping water on you.. Things that though you hated, you were used to and came to expect. 

But now? Now that you’d left that behind, began to live your life with a sense of fulfillment and joy, were away from all that once dragged you to the depths of despair.. You realized how much those things still hurt, how the time and distance didn’t cure or absolve you of your pain. And you hated that he found you, hated that his presence still had an effect on you, hated how easy it was for him to reverse all of the positive progress you made, hated him most of all. 

You could tell you were shaking, felt the tears in the corners of your eyes threatening to fall, embarrassed by the fact that Chan once again has to see you at your lowest when you’ve just barely formed a friendship. It’s humiliating in a way that’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t felt it themselves- the shame that comes with feeling inadequate, in looking weak in the face of someone you don’t want to see you that way.

Chan looks down, seeing what he assumes is the remnants of your fresh coffee spilled on the concrete, whipped cream and caramel splattered in all directions from the impact they made with the ground. He kneels down, grabbing the plastic cup and turning it to the front, confirming what he already suspected; your name, written in big, black letters with a sharpie, followed by a sticker with the specifics of your order.

He looks back at you as he stands back up, still holding your cup in his hands despite how sticky it’s become from splashed coffee. “Hey, look.. I’m sorry. Jae was pissed that I helped you last time, right? Why don’t I buy you a new coffee?” “Huh? Oh- you don’t have to do that! It’s not your fault, he’s always treated me that way. He probably would’ve done this again even if you hadn’t helped the first time,” you respond, not yet meeting his gaze. 

Chan frowns at your answer; he knows Jae well enough to know that’s true, but it doesn’t piss him off any less. He’s always been like that- a coward in wolf’s clothing, always preying on whoever wants and thinking he can get away with it.  “Unlock your phone and hand it to me,” he says, holding his hand out to you expectantly. You furrow your brows in confusion, but do as he asks regardless, fishing through your pocket and quickly putting in your password before passing it to him. Chan locates your contacts page easily, adding his name and number to the relatively short list. “Call me next time,” he says as he hands it back to you.

You stare at your phone for a few moments, processing the information slowly before you look up at him. “You.. I can call you?” “Of course.” His response is nonchalant in tone, but you can tell he’s being genuine, just as before. You don’t understand why he’s consistently so kind to you, someone who is effectively a stranger, who he has no reason to look out or care for. Stopping a bad situation you come across once made enough sense, especially since it was happening in his own house, but to devote himself to regularly helping someone was completely different. Was he really that selfless? 

“What if you don’t answer..?” you finally ask after a moment, fully expecting a rejection. “I’ll answer,” he replies easily, as if that’s the only option there is. “What if Jae takes my phone? Or I can’t reach it?” you continue, because surely he can’t be serious. Why would he do that for you? Chan’s expression shifts to one you can’t read, full of thoughts and emotions you couldn’t possibly read before he speaks again, “Yell if you have to. If you call, I’ll hear it. I’ll come running as soon as I can.”

You tear up for the second time today, though this time for a reason completely different from before; you’re grateful to have someone who wants to be there for you unconditionally. After suffering for so long, you began to believe that you were beyond selfless kindness, that it was something you would never experience or have offered to you. And in your current state, it seems that even the smallest ounce of kindness is enough to make you emotional. 

“H-Hey, don’t cry!” Chan’s voice is suddenly filled with worry, a stark contrast to the aloof tone he seems to typically have. And really, he isn’t sure what to do- he’s never had to comfort a girl who was crying before. You wipe your face, trying your best to calm down quickly and offer him an appreciative smile. “Sorry, this is actually super embarrassing..” you awkwardly laugh as you rub your eyes dry, hoping that he won’t change his mind and decide you’re not worth it. 

“No, it’s okay.. You’ve been through a lot on your own,” his tone softens, clearly trying to relay sympathy for you. You nod, steadying yourself with a deep breath before you finally look at him directly, without embarrassment or shame for your feelings. “Thank you, Chan.” “Of course,��� he says, giving you a small pat on the head in the same way he used to do to comfort his brothers when they were upset. “Let’s get you a new coffee, yeah?”  

You nod again, deciding to take him up on his offer and let him buy you a new coffee. “Just stick close to me, okay?” Chan reaches his free hand out to you, offering for you to take it if you’d like to. And you do, deciding to ignore the way your heart picks back up in speed when your hand is in his. You know there’s no romantic intent, but that doesn’t stop the butterflies from erupting in your stomach at the contact.

You can tell he’s just a sweet person, that there’s nothing special about this interaction, that he’d likely do this for anyone in a similar situation to you, but regardless of your rational thoughts, you can’t calm your heart, or prevent it from skipping a beat when he gives it a reassuring squeeze before leading you out of the alley.  

It doesn’t take more than a few moments to reach the cafe again, the line having drastically shortened since you were here minutes prior. Rather than wait in the line however, Chan walks directly to the counter, with you nervously in tow. The waiting customers shoot you both angry looks, but ultimately choose not to say anything about your transgression.

“I’m sorry, I need to take care of this real quick,” Felix says to the angry girl waiting at the front that Chan just caused you to cut off, giving her an apologetic look before turning to the both of you. “Channie-hyung, and… Y/N..?” He looks puzzled to see the two of you together, and really you can’t blame him. You were just here, and now here you are again, with a guy you’ve never brought up, and- 

Wait. Channie-hyung? They know each other?

“Felix, can you make her another one of these? I’ll pay for it,” Chan says, holding your ruined coffee cup to the poor barista to look at. “Don’t worry hyung, I know her order. And you don’t have to pay! I’ll take care of it,” Felix says as he takes the cup from Chan’s hands, tossing it in a bin underneath the counter before he turns to make you a new drink. Chan grumbles something under his breath about how Felix should let him pay, a subtle frown growing on his face.

“Chan,” you speak up, and he turns his head in your direction, a small “hmm?” leaving his lips. “Your other hand- it’s sticky from the coffee, isn’t it? Do you want to go rinse it off?” “Oh- yeah, uh, I guess it is,” he says, clenching and unclenching his fist as if he only just realized when you brought it up. “I’ll be right back,” he says, letting go of your hand to make his way to the public bathroom on the other end of the cafe.

You breathe a sigh of slight relief, because as much as you enjoyed holding his hand, it made your heart feel like it was going to burst out of your chest. “Here you go,” Felix says as he holds your newly made drink out to you, though instead of his usual smile, he’s looking at you full of curiosity. “How do you know my brother?” he asks, and wow, does that take you by surprise.

The cute, freckled boy who takes your order everyday and serves you with a sweet smile is Chan’s brother? You honestly can’t believe it. “I uhm, met him at a party. Wasn’t it your party?” you ask, remembering how Chan told you it was his brother’s and not his. Though as you recall, you didn’t see Felix there, and you definitely would’ve remembered if he was. “Oh, no! It wasn’t mine, it was Changbin’s!”

Oh, so Chan has more than one brother then? You’re about to ask to confirm, but the lady you cut off clears her throat impatiently, clearly fed up with waiting. “Sorry ma’am, I’ll be right there!” Felix tells her politely before shifting his focus back to you, “Well, gotta get back to work, but I hope you’ll come by the house again when I’m there next time! So we can talk more and be friends outside of the cafe!” 

He then waves goodbye to you with a bright smile, turning his attention back to the customers in line while you’re left more than a little stunned. You always thought Felix seemed extremely sweet and fun to be around, so you’re definitely not opposed to seeing him outside of getting your morning coffee, but you didn’t expect a friendship to happen like this. Chan returns shortly after, and though he isn’t smiling, he does seem glad that you have a fresh coffee in your hands.

“You gonna be okay? Don’t need me to walk you to class or anything?” Chan asks and you shake your head, though the fact that he even asked practically makes your heart erupt. “N-No, I was just gonna head home, I have a paper I need to work on and turn in tonight,” you explain, and he nods in acknowledgment, thinking a moment before he speaks. “I’ll see you around then. And uh.. you know. Let me know if you need anything, yeah?” 

“I will,” you smile, one that he returns ever so slightly. You thank him before you say your goodbye, waving as you make your way out of the door and back out onto the street. You take a sip of your coffee as you take your first steps back to your dorm, finding that it tastes much sweeter than the first one you had- and you like that. Everything in your life has been that way; sweeter, more enjoyable, with Jae absent from it. And you hope that with your new friends by your side to help and support you, it will stay that way.

Chan is late getting home that night, the shit he had to do for work tonight being beyond exhausting and dirty. The first thing he does is shower, eager to get all the grime off his body so he can eat dinner and hopefully relax, if his brain and body will let him. He eats a microwave meal in relative silence when he’s clean, thinking about all that happened before he set off to work. 

He knew it was only a matter of time before he met you again, but he didn’t expect it to be in negative circumstances again. He had a job in the area that day, and figured he’d stop by Sunshine Cafe to see and get a coffee from Felix before getting things done, only to stumble on the sight of Jae dragging you off against your will. 

Without even thinking about it, he ran- he didn’t know how far Jae was going to take you, what he planned to do with you, and so he wasted no time to catch up to where he saw you go. Jae has a knack for pissing him off, but this went beyond a feeling as simple as that. What Chan felt instead was.. Disgust. The thought that Jae was easily the most reprehensible person he’d ever met, and that if he has nothing better to do than harass women, then he deserves to get his teeth knocked out of his skull- and Chan would happily be the one to do that. 

And that’s what he planned to do when he pulled Jae back, but when he saw the look on your face, your eyes full to the brim of unshed tears and fear, he stopped. He didn’t want you to see his violent side, he realized. The side of him that will punch and maim and hurt, that left people bloodied and bruised. When he told you that he was a drop out, and you didn’t judge him, and instead offered your understanding and shared your experience with him, he knew you were someone compassionate and good.

Why did people like you always get hurt? He’d seen it countless times, and it always made him sick and angry. And everyone in his life knew that about him, saw first hand the things he was willing to do to protect someone, but for some reason he didn’t want you to see it. Was it because he didn’t want to taint your impression of him? Because there was a part of him that was afraid that if you knew the kind of things he’s done, that you’d retract any desire to form a friendship with him? He wasn’t sure, but what he did know is that for whatever reason, he wanted you to see him as someone better. 

It’s just past 11:30 when he flops down the couch with a sigh next to Hyunjin, who has some drama Chan doesn’t recognize playing on the tv. It was nights like tonight he wished he could turn his brain off, and not worry about what people think of him, nor be plagued by the memories of horrible things he’s done just to survive. 

Checking his phone in hopes to find something else to focus on, he sees he received a few texts while he was in the shower- most from clients, a few updates from Changbin, who was complaining about the group project he was assigned from his professor and how he’s staying out tonight to complete it, and a few more from an unsaved number that he can safely assume is yours. 

Hi Chan, it’s Y/N! 

Thank you so much for everything. I really appreciate it <3

If you’re still sure, I hope it’s okay to rely on you while I keep gathering my courage

9:12 PM ✓

it’s fine rly i’m not gonna let some dickhead like jae do whatever he wants

you can rely on me as long as you want i don’t mind

call me anytime you need

11:34 PM ✓

“What are you smiling about?” Hyunjin asks as he peers over Chan’s shoulder to take a peek. Chan jumps slightly in surprise, locking his phone screen before sliding it into his pocket. “I wasn’t smiling.” “Uh-huh, sure you weren’t. I believe you,” Hyunjin laughs in response. Chan sits there in an awkward silence for a few moments, before he glances over to see Hyunjin looking at him with a grin. 

“What?” Chan questions and Hyunjin lets out another small laugh. “Y/N, huh? Is that the girl from Changbin’s party?” Chan wants to be angry that Hyunjin saw the name on his phone and is asking about it, but honestly, he’d be curious too if it were the other way around, so he can’t fault him for asking. “Yeah. I saw her again today and gave her my number. Jae was harassing her again, and it pisses me off when he gets away with shit, so. You know.” 

He’s leaving out the part about his complex, unfamiliar feelings towards you, but Hyunjin doesn’t need to know them, he thinks. Better to leave those unsaid until he figures them out for himself. Hyunjin meanwhile clicks his tongue in disapproval, displeased to hear that Jae’s up to his usual bullshit. “What’s wrong with that dude? He and his prick friends need to get a job or something and leave everyone else alone.” 

“Well if at this point he still doesn’t get the hint, he’s an even bigger dumbass than I already think he is,” Chan says and Hyunjin laughs, agreeing with the sentiment instantly. Chan feels his phone vibrate against his leg as Hyunjin shifts his attention back to his show, and is surprised to see its response from you this close to midnight. 

Don’t say that, I might rely on you for a long time then!

11:47pm ✓

i said i don’t mind

i’m here for you okay? 

11:48pm ✓

The two of you continue to text, and unbeknownst to himself, Chan has a small smile on his face again, that definitely doesn’t go unnoticed by Hyunjin. However, rather than tease his older brother again, he decides to let it be. As fun as it is to poke some fun, he did genuinely like seeing Chan smile. It felt so rare these days to see happiness on his face, and he was grateful to see it now, even if it was only by a small margin. 

Chan glances up from his phone to see if Hyunjin is still peeking at him, and is relieved to find that he isn’t. It’s not that he’s embarrassed to be seen texting you, but.. Before he dropped out, he had a reputation in high school for being a bad guy, with all kinds of rumors being spread about him during his freshman year. And while a lot of them weren’t true, he didn’t mind leaning into them and letting people believe whatever they wanted to if it meant he was left alone. He had no interest in the things his classmates were interested in; grades, exams, college applications, after school clubs… None of those things mattered. 

He was forced to grow up quickly after his parents passed away, and it left him jaded to the worries someone his age would typically have had. And while he encouraged his friends-turned-brothers to do well and go after anything they wanted to, he couldn’t find it within himself to care about such fleeting things after all he’d been through. At the time, all he wanted was to coast until graduation, and then start working full time to support himself and help his found family reach their goals. As long as the people he cared about had a chance to lead a better life than him, that was enough. 

Chan figured then, and especially when he dropped out and started working full time, that he wouldn’t have time for new friendships until much later in life, and he made his peace with that a long time ago. However, he couldn’t deny the possibility that perhaps he pushed down the idea that he did want someone to spend time with that wasn’t from his own bubble. Someone he could talk to about mundane things, who lived a normal life with normal hardships, someone who knew nothing about the shady shit he had to do to survive, and who could distract him from the weight of his responsibilities. And maybe it was okay to let you be that friend for him. 

He was sure the others would tease him and say he has a crush, but honestly, his intentions are nothing like that. Despite what rumors would lead you to believe, he’s always been the kind of person to lift up those who needed help, and give them a place next to him. Anyone who had been dealt bad cards in life, he would help if he had the means to, because he knew how awful it felt to be alone with no one to turn to. 

Regardless of gender, you both needed someone. And if you could be that someone for Chan, he would be that someone for you, because that’s just the kind of guy he is. As long as you needed him, he’d be there for you, he’d protect you, he’d be your friend. And he hoped you’d be his friend too, and that you’d never stop needing him. 

Hiraeth; a deep sense of longing, a deep-rooted desire to return to home that no longer exists, or never existed to begin with, a homesickness tinged with grief and sorrow over what is lost and cannot be regained. A word that encompasses Chan in his entirety, though he’d be loath to admit it to any who asked, emotionally solitary as he is. 

When others feel nostalgia, there is an associated happiness- that even though you miss or long for that period of time in your life, you accept that you cannot return to it, and look back on it fondly, happy to have those memories and able to appreciate what you had. You miss the joy you felt in those simpler times, the days where you were taken care of and pampered by your parents, where every meal was provided for you and you spent all of your free time worry free, watching your favorite cartoons on tv or playing video games for hours on end. 

But what do you do when your only memories of childhood are encompassed by an overarching sadness? When what should be happy memories are tainted by the knowledge that you lost your joy too young, that fate held no mercy, not even for a child so young- what do you do? Chan wished he knew, because the reality is that even nearly 15 years since the day he lost his parents he still doesn’t know how to cope with his grief. 

And those are the thoughts that kept him up at night, his insomnia complexly woven with heartache and melancholy, unable to be separated no matter how hard he tried. He doesn’t dare check the clock, knowing that whatever number he sees reflecting back at him will just add to the misery he feels. He shifts onto his back with a sigh, eyes now pointed directly to the bare ceiling. 

How different would his life be now if his mom and dad were still here? It was no use thinking about it, it didn’t accomplish anything other than making the ache in his chest grow tighter, but he couldn’t prevent it from happening anymore than he could turn back time and change it. There was no way to make the impossible possible, and there was equally no way to prevent his brain from fixating on the what-ifs and should-bes of his life.

There was a part of him that felt selfish for not being happier- like he was asking for too much, expecting some sort of retribution for all the suffering he’d endured, though such a thing would assuredly never come. It wasn’t like he was always miserable, either- he had so many people in his life he cared about and made him feel sane when life was running him to the ground, he had enough money to afford the things he needed and keep everyone afloat, he was strong and (mostly) healthy.

He should be grateful for all those things, and he certainly is, but just.. It’s hard. You never stop missing the people you lose, he supposes. Even when you’re grateful, even when you’re happy and smiling, even when everything is seemingly perfect, the pain is still there. Lingering in every interaction, present in every moment, sometimes ignorable but never forgotten, always reminding you that the hole in your heart exists, and will only ever grow larger, impossible to fill. That’s what Chan feels. 

Fuck it. 

He reaches for his phone on the coffee table, bright light immediately straining his eyes as he unlocks the device. 2:14am- not the worst it could be, thankfully; it means he’s only been stuck in his head for a little over an hour. Should he text you and see if you’ve fallen asleep yet, he wonders? No- better not to disturb you, and risk himself saying too much about what he feels due to lapse in judgment. 

The thought of telling anyone about how sad and lonely he is inside makes him physically ill- he dreads the feeling of vulnerability, hates the way his emotions catch in his throat and eyes fill with tears whenever he tries. He’s always regretted sharing in the past, not because of the fault of anyone he told, but purely due to his own inability to not feel shame and embarrassment when he lets someone in. 

His friends, brothers, found family, whatever you wanted to call them- very few of them saw Chan at his worst, but in an ideal world, none of them would’ve seen it. He can still remember the look on Minho’s face the first time he broke down in front of him, and it plagues him. He couldn’t control it- the tears just wouldn’t stop coming no matter how hard he tried to keep them in, choked, broken sobs leaving him uncontrollably as his body shook and trembled. 

Minho comforted him, of course- he wasn’t going to leave Chan to suffer alone after seeing him in such a state. But when the moment passed, there was no comfort or consolation within him to be felt- just the shame and embarrassment that twisted itself into a gnawing self-consciousness. And the thought of being in that state of self-doubt and hatred in front of you was even worse, because you were the absolute last person he wanted to see him that way. Maybe one day, but not now- not when your friendship was still relatively fresh and still being built upon. 

But.. even if he’s not ready to share his deepest thoughts and feelings, he still wants to talk to you now. He wants to see you smile at him, he wants to listen to you talk about what your plans are for when the winter semester is over and the weather starts to become warm again, he wants to see the twinkle in your eye when you talk about what your newest favorite song or meal is. Because as silly as it is, in the few months it’s been since he first became your friend, those are the things he’s come to enjoy most and look forward to. 

Are you still awake now? Are you staring up at his ceiling the way he is now in the living room? Is his bed comfortable enough for you? Did he leave you with enough blankets? He could text you so easily to find out, but for some reason the thought of it makes him extremely nervous. You’ve been to the house plenty of times now since becoming friends with not only him, but Felix, Hyunjin, and Changbin, but this is the first time you’re staying overnight. 

You initially came at the request to help Changbin, who is currently taking a class you took last semester but is struggling with the material and needed assistance to understand the concepts he was being introduced to. You brought your laptop with you, using it to show Changbin the detailed notes you took and offering him copies of the study guides you made, and it truly made Chan happy to see you helping his brother out so diligently. 

After a couple hours, Changbin let you off the hook, citing that his brain was tired from the overload of information and he’d be hitting the gym to let off some steam. “Oh my god, it’s this late already? I still have to work on my discussion post for this week,” you groaned, evidently dreading the work you’d have to put into making it decent enough for your professor’s obnoxiously high standards. 

“I can help you,” Chan offered without even thinking, and God, why did even do that? Because how was he, a high school dropout with no GED, realistically going to help someone as smart as you? He wasn’t dumb by any means, but what kind of input could he even offer that would benefit you? But despite the way his brain made fun of him for his lapse in judgment and convinced him that you’d absolutely refuse his help, you smiled at him.

“Yeah, okay! We should get some food too, I haven’t had dinner yet and I don’t know about you, but I’m starving,” you spoke cheerfully, opening up a new tab on your laptop to check over the delivery options in the area. He was stunned for a moment, feeling like his entire nervous system was zapped the moment you accepted his offer. There was no hesitation, no doubt in your mind that he could help despite what you know of his education history- why did that make him feel so warm inside? 

The corners of his mouth tugged in a smile as he helped you pick out a restaurant to order from, the two of you munching on burgers and fries as he listened to your thoughts on what your discussion post should be about. You bounced your ideas off him, and while he wasn’t knowledgeable on the subject you needed to write about, discussing it with him still seemed to help you. It was kind of like thinking aloud- like voicing what you thought worked and what didn’t, what you thought your professor would like to see and what he wouldn’t helped you to formulate a more cohesive outline in your mind.

Chan watched as you typed furiously, tongue slightly poked out and brows furrowed as you concentrated on the screen in front of you. You’d occasionally seek his input, asking things like “does this make sense?” or “do you think this is too much or not enough?” He was entirely out of his depth if he was being honest, but he was happy you wanted his input regardless, and enjoyed seeing a side of you he didn’t typically see. 

With Chan’s (albeit limited) help, you managed to finish before the midnight deadline, hitting submit on your post with just a few minutes to spare. You stood up and stretched your arms and legs, feeling stiff from all your time spent hunched at the same spot, a sigh of relief leaving you shortly after. But then there came the next dilemma- getting home this late into the night. Chan didn’t live far from campus, and thus was near the dorms as well, but the thought of you walking home in relative darkness by yourself didn’t sit well with him. 

“You could stay here if you want. You can take my bed, I’ll stay here,” he suggested. You blinked, staying silent as you processed the offer. Chan, who took the quiet as discomfort, was quick to speak up again and try to remedy it, “Or uh, I could walk you back if you’d prefer that-” “N-No!” you quickly blurted out, face reddening slightly as you clear your throat to speak more calmly, “I mean- I’ll stay.” 

Chan nods, standing up to go up to his room with you; you don’t need to be led there of course, you already know where it is, but Chan needs to at least grab a few things for himself before leaving it to you for the rest of the night. A pair of clothes to sleep in, a blanket, a pillow, his phone charger, and he’s all set. You watched him move about the room while sitting on his bed, nervously fiddling with your fingers as you did. 

“I’ll see you in the morning, uhm- let me know if you need anything, yeah? I’ll be on the couch, so.. Yeah, good night,” he says with a slight smile before he departs, doing his best to close the door behind him despite how full his hands were. Another sigh leaves his lips now, followed by another check of the time; it’s already 2:30am. Well, if he’s going to lose sleep no matter what, he’d rather lose it thinking about the fact that you’re upstairs in his bed right now than anything else.

How on earth were you supposed to sleep?

You were in Chan’s bed, surrounded by the smell of his cologne, his stuffed toy wolf clutched closely to your chest because you always held something to fall asleep, but obviously didn’t have any of your own plushies here to do so. And God, your heart absolutely refuses to be still no matter how mundane of a situation you’re in. Who cares if you’re spending the night in the bed of the guy best friend that you’ve started to develop a crush on? It doesn’t matter!

You’re going insane, you think- you can’t take it. You’re stupid, delusional, thinking about if he was still here with you, what it’d be like if he were laying down next to you. Wrapping his arm around you, pulling you against his chest, speaking to you in a gravelly, tired voice and- PLEASE BRAIN STOP.

You pour all your mental effort into stopping yourself from thinking about it any further as embarrassment flushes over you. Isn’t this kind of.. Cringey..? Getting a crush on the first guy to ever be nice to you seems so.. Cliche? Pathetic? What is even wrong with you? But when you look at him, you can’t help it. 

He may look intimidating to others, but you’ve seen the truth of him since becoming his friend. Maybe it’s just puppy love that will fade with time, but you can’t help but admire him. And maybe that admiration is being fueled by the fact that he’s also incredibly handsome, but that’s besides the point. Underneath the aloof exterior, he’s sweet, caring, humble, generous.. How could you not like him? 

And you think about the first time you saw him smile- really smile, full and bright, teeth showing and eyes crinkled as a laugh escaped him. It was so beautiful, you felt like time slowed down around you. You learned that he had dimples that day; cute ones that made his smile endearing beyond explanation, and that you hoped you’d see again and again and again from that day forward. You loved the way he looked when he was happy, when his hard exterior melted away to reveal the soft features he hid underneath.

Every day spent with Chan was full of a joy you thought you’d lost the capability to feel. You found yourself endlessly enamored by him, and every thing you learned about him, every interaction you had with him, intensified the feeling that welled in your chest. He was so considerate of you, always watching out for you and making sure you were okay when you were out together. Like the time a few weeks ago when all of you were out together, celebrating Felix’s birthday.

You also met the other guys Chan considered his brothers that day; Jisung and Seungmin, who also had birthdays very close to Felix’s, Minho, who was close in age to Chan and equally as aloof in appearance, and Jeongin, the youngest of them all, though only by a small margin. It was fun to watch them all interact together over dinner, their dynamics quickly becoming apparent.

Changbin, who was typically loud to begin with, became even more so in the presence of Jisung, the pair becoming so explosively loud and chaotic that even the quieter ones like Chan and Minho would end up roped into whatever shouting was currently taking place. You’d laugh as you observed the chaos, and you enjoyed seeing a new side of Chan- one who let loose and had fun, who smiled freely and laughed just as much, who was beautiful beyond words. 

You learned a lot about them that day too- about how Minho moved to the opposite end of the city to go to vet school and how Jisung moved into a small apartment with him to make sure he was taking care of himself (and to help care for the cats the older had adopted shortly after.) Hyunjin, who you already knew was an avid painter, expressed his desire to own a studio some day, and Felix, your favorite barista and baker, talked about all the times he failed at a dessert and forced the others to eat them anyway so they wouldn’t go to waste. 

Seungmin was scouted to play baseball, and so moved pretty far away from the others now, but still loved to come back to the city and visit when he could, often with a camera in hand to capture moments he found beautiful. Jeongin was taking a gap year before going to school again, trying to make sure that he was sure about what he wanted to do with his life before committing himself to the hours of work and money spent. 

You were in awe of them, truly; they were all so different, yet came together and loved one another so genuinely, as real brothers would. And they all unanimously agreed that Chan was the one who held them together, the one who supported them through everything and helped them during the hardest times in their life. You loved how anytime someone praised him or had something positive to say about him, his ears would light up red with embarrassment as he turned his gaze away from them. 

You knew Chan was softie underneath, that was obvious to you from the day you met him, but it was still nice to have your opinion of him affirmed by others, to know that was the kind of person he always was. And he expressed that he didn’t see his actions as praiseworthy, always feeling awkward when it was brought up. To Chan, it was just human decency to help someone if he had the means to- a feeling that stemmed from the time he spent alone and in need of help when he was a child. 

He was well acquainted with that pain, knew how miserable it was, and he didn’t want anyone else to experience it. He couldn’t ignore someone who was clearly in need, so he always helped; even if he wasn’t in the best of circumstances himself, he would do whatever he could for them, no questions asked. And he never asked for anything in return, because to him, seeing the person back on track and happy again was reward enough. 

You knew every kind thing they said about Chan was no exaggeration, knew first hand that he truly was the kindest person you’d ever met. He put on a mask of toughness, sure, but there was no one in the world who was as generous and caring as him. You looked at him with pure adoration, which certainly didn’t go unnoticed by Hyunjin, who smiled to himself whenever he saw the way you’d blush or smile whenever Chan looked back your way. 

And when you were leaving the restaurant together, each saying your goodbyes as you readied yourselves to head in your separate directions, you saw him. It was pure coincidence- Jae was across the street, talking with some friends as he stood outside the bar smoking, completely unaware of the fact that you were even in the area. Chan looked at you, noticed the way you suddenly stopped in place and just stared across the street, and he followed your gaze to the culprit.

He stepped close to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and pulling you closer to his body. “It’s okay, he didn’t see you,” Chan comforts you, bringing his other hand to your face, directing you to look away from Jae and at him instead, “and even if he did, I’m right here. Just stick close to me, okay?” 

You nodded slowly, wondering if the thumb that rested on your cheek could feel the way heat rose to it. The others who were there, a group consisting of just the 3 who lived with Chan, just observed, not daring to step in until the moment was over. They all knew Jae well, and were also well aware of the things he’d done to you, at least on the surface level, and they promised that they’d look out for you too. 

You thanked them earnestly at the time, honestly unable to think of a single time you’d ever felt such solidarity, deeply appreciative of them, and Chan, who brought you all together. But now, as they all stood there watching, they felt it’d be best to leave it to Chan, who you quite obviously had feelings for. Hyunjin and Felix shared a knowing look, deciding to drag Changbin down the street with them before he’d have the opportunity to accidentally interrupt your moment. 

Butterflies erupted in your stomach as he squeezed your shoulder, leading you to walk away from the area with him. There was no romantic intent, you knew that- he was keeping you close to make sure you were okay, to ensure that you were within his reach should anything happen. Chan was a kind hearted person who did anything needed to protect others and there was nothing special about this interaction, you knew that. 

But regardless of all those rational thoughts you were repeating to yourself, you couldn’t stop the way it made your heart skip a beat, couldn’t help the way his care for you made your knees weak and face hot. Because even if he never liked you the way you liked him, he still cared about you, and that was enough for your growing crush on him to make your heart beat out of control. 

Was he still awake? Chan and the others told you before that he was an insomniac, so it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility that he was just as wide awake as you are. Should you go check? There was certainly no harm in it- if he did happen to be asleep, you’d just quietly slip back to his room and let him get some much needed rest, and try again to get some sleep. There was really no reason not to go. 

Carefully, you rise from the bed, wolf plush tucked safely in your arms and blanket wrapped around you, quietly opening the door and exiting out into the hallway. You’re careful not to make the stairs creak as you make your way down to the living room where Chan is supposed to be, and he immediately comes into view once you’re at the bottom. It’s obvious he’s awake, phone screen brightly illuminating the otherwise pitch black space.

He hears your footsteps as you step closer, lifting his head just enough to see who is approaching him this late at night. He looks surprised to see you for a moment, an emotion you can’t read in the relative darkness on his face for just a second before he’s sitting up and scooting to the side to make room for you on the couch next to him. “Can’t sleep either, huh?” he asks as you plop down in the spot he’s provided for you next to him, “Is my bed uncomfortable?” 

“Oh, no! Your bed was fine, it’s just..” I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and it was driving me crazy “.. a lot on my mind, I guess.” He hums in acknowledgment, definitely feeling the same way; but he didn’t need to drag you down with all that. “Do you want to talk about it?” he offers, but you quickly shake your head, mortified at the thought of revealing your crush on him. That’s the last thing you should do. “Thanks, but no, I just want to take my mind off it.” 

He chuckles a little at your response, opting instead to change the subject, “I see you have Wolf Chan with you.” Wolf Chan? You look down at your arms, the cute wolf toy’s head peeking out from between your arms. “Oh, he has a name?” you ask and he nods, smiling ever so slightly as he speaks. “Yeah, kinda embarrassing but I had a huge wolf phase as a kid, so my mom and dad got me him for my birthday. Named him after myself cause, you know, kid brain thought it was cool.” 

“That’s cute! When is your birthday?” you ask, hoping that you’d have the chance to plan something nice for him as thanks for all he’s done for you in the time you’ve known him. “October 3rd,” he answers swiftly, and you frown. “...What? It already passed then? Why didn’t you tell me?” your frown transitions into a pout, sad at the realization that you all celebrated his brother's birthdays but not his. 

“I.. don’t really celebrate it. Wolf Chan- it was the last gift I got from my parents, the last birthday I had with them before.. Yeah. So I just.. Don’t acknowledge my birthday anymore, I guess?” Your heart sinks, not only because of how sad that is, but because you’re holding something clearly so important and personal to him without even having known it. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know- should I go put him back?” 

“Oh no, don’t worry. I like it actually,” he smiles softly, sincerely, “I haven’t touched him in a long time myself, so.. He needs the attention. I’m sure he was feeling neglected.” You smile back, relief washing over you instantly, thankful that you didn’t unintentionally make a drastic error. “Well I hope you know, I can’t let your birthday go ignored now that I know it.” “I expected that,” he replies, knowing full well you’d share that sentiment with his brothers, who still always wish him a happy birthday and get him a gift despite how often he expresses that they shouldn’t.

“Can I ask you something? It’s okay if you don’t want to answer,” you ask carefully, voice quiet and unsure, an underlying worry carried in your tone. Chan swallows, already anticipating what the question will be, the same question he’s answered countless times, but never gets any easier to talk about. “Do you think about them a lot?”

Oh. That wasn’t the question he was expecting; he’s used to being asked what happened, how he feels, if there’s anything he needs.. He anticipates pity, or a sympathy that while mostly appreciated, makes him feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. Even with practice, there’s still times where he doesn’t know how to react, a hesitant, “I’m fine, thanks,” leaving him as he plots the quickest way out of the conversation. 

Safe to say, Chan isn’t good about talking about his feelings, or even feeling them to begin with for that matter. Apart from moments of weakness, when his facade cracks due to the mounting pressure and overload of emotions, he shares only what he deems necessary, never offering more than the minimum of what is needed. Even when it came to his brothers, who he trusts more than anyone else, it was hard for him to go beyond his practiced response, taking him a great amount of emotional effort to do so. 

“I do,” he answers after a moment, surprising himself with how easily he was able to do so. It was a simple question, sure, but not for Chan- nothing related to this topic is ever simple or easy for him. But somehow he feels.. Comfortable. And maybe that’s because it’s encroaching 3am and lack of sleep really takes a toll on one’s mental defenses, but he doesn’t think that’s all there is to it. 

He trusts you, as he does anyone he’s grown close to, but it takes more than trust alone to be able to open up. You could trust someone with your life and still struggle to express an emotion, still have the words you want to say die in your throat. Maybe it’s because of what else he feels when he’s around you- an unfamiliar emotion that encroaches on his chest whenever you’re in the room with him. 

The one that intensifies his desire to protect you from people like Jae, the one that leads to him wanting to talk to you at all hours about any and every thing that comes to your mind, the one that makes his heart pick up when you smile at him and always makes him return the smile despite himself. He wants to share with you, he realizes; share everything he can, from his happy moments to his sad ones, his thoughts, his feelings, his entire life even.

“Even just before you came downstairs, I was thinking of them,” he continues, his honesty unfamiliar to himself but not unwelcome; it’s not that he’d lie about anything he felt, but he was just.. Avoidant. He didn’t want to talk about it, refused to even, most times. But you- you make him want to be honest, not just with you, but with himself. Maybe it’s because of the feelings for you that have begun to accumulate in his heart, or maybe because he knows how similar you are.

The circumstances were different, but the feelings were the same; isolation, sadness, hopelessness. No one to turn to, no one to rely on, fighting all by yourself, with only your own ability to pick yourself back up to carry you forward. Chan knew first hand how painful that existence is, how much it hurts to have nothing, no one. He’s also come to learn, time and time again, that even when you’ve found your place in the world, the void lingers.

The hole in his chest never closes- even if he can stop it’s growth, it never shrinks, never collapses or recedes. There’s reasons for that, he knows; it’s his own fault for not allowing himself to feel, to share, his hesitancy to allow anyone past arm’s length or to chip at his walls. He doesn’t want that with you- if he wants something with you beyond this, beyond the boundaries of simple friendship, he needs to do more, feel more, share more. It was something he thought he would be terrified to do, an irrational fear that your opinion of him would change if he wasn't as strong as he appeared to be; but now that he's met with the opportunity, instead of fear, he feels.. safe? 

“I lost them really young, you know; I was just a kid with a lot of grief he didn’t know how to handle, and the people who took me in didn’t care. ‘Suck it up,’ ‘get over it,’ ‘stop being a baby and grow up,’ shit like that. Didn’t matter that I was only 7 and lost everything, I should just be grateful they gave me a place to sleep and eat. Got emancipated at 16 to get away from them, dropped out of school cause I couldn’t balance it with how much I had to work, and I wasn’t gonna miss it anyways. And here I am now,” Chan is hesitant to meet your gaze when he finishes talking, worried about what feeling it might conjure in him when he sees your eyes laden with sympathy. 

You move across the couch and wrap your arms around him in a hug, an action he didn’t expect and takes him entirely by surprise. “That must’ve been so hard..” you say softly, care and concern for him evident in the way you speak to him. He blinks, a lump forming in his throat that normally he’d try to ignore, to push away and act as if he’s fine, but this time he doesn’t. He’s choked up, he’s emotional, and for once, that’s okay. 

Carefully, he wraps his arms around you as well, his head resting atop yours as he lets out a shaky exhale. “Can we stay like this for a while?” he asks quietly, his fingers clutching at your shirt, as if afraid you’ll leave him the moment he lets go. “Of course,” you assure him, moving just enough to make yourself more comfortable and settle in against him, “as long as you need.” He mumbles a ‘thank you’, to which you hum in response, following his lead as he lays back and settles with you in his arms. 

You stay like that for a long time- long enough for your breathing to slow, eyes closed and arms beginning to fall from the hug as you drift off. Your head has sank to his chest, his heartbeat, that started fast and erratic, has slowed to a comforting, steady rhythm that lulled you to sleep. Chan is careful to pull the blanket up to your shoulders, ensuring that you at least are covered and will stay plenty warm until you wake up. 

He closes his eyes, keeping his arms wrapped around you under the blanket, wanting to keep you close and not let go. He doesn’t know if he’ll always have this with you; this close comfort, this feeling of peace and calm, of having you in his arms and being able to be held by you, while holding you in return. He likes it, wants it engraved in his memory in case it never happens again, to always remember the way you felt, the way you cared, the safety he felt with you. A small, but cherished moment, special and important to him beyond words.

Was it okay to be this happy? It’s something Chan thought about lately, whenever he had finished spending a day with you, laying in his bed and playing them over in his mind, making sure every little detail was memorized. The way you smiled, the way you laughed, the feel of your soft skin when he touched your hand or you hugged him tight, the way your perfume lingered in the room long after you’d left it. 

Did he deserve it? He certainly didn’t feel like he did, but he welcomed it all the same, too selfish to let go of the small piece of joy he’d obtained. His feelings for you had grown considerably, and he was sure it was obvious to his brothers, who never failed to notice the way he'd change when he was around you; they just knew him too well and were around him too much to not notice something different about his behavior. 

He liked you a lot, and there was certainly no way he’d be able to deny it if they asked about it. They didn’t overtly ask about it though of course, more often opting to make subtle nods to their knowledge of it or make suggestions like ‘wouldn’t it be fun if Y/N came too? You should invite her!’ when they had plans together. Sometimes they even lightly poked some fun, one instance that sticks in Chan's mind being when Hyunjin wanted to show him what he called an “adorable picture.” 

It was of you and Chan, asleep on the couch together that first time you stayed the night; your head on his chest, his arm loosely wrapped around you, blanket having fallen from your shoulders just enough to make Chan’s hand on your back come into view. His face flushed when he saw it, ears burning as they turned red. Hyunjin was right, it was an adorable picture, and Chan was embarrassed beyond belief to see the moment captured. 

Hyunjin giggled in a mischievous sort of delight upon seeing the older’s reaction, evidently very pleased with the result he obtained. His typical response in a situation where his feelings are exposed like this would be to play it cool and act like it’s not a big deal, which truthfully, he didn’t want to do. Why should he pretend he doesn’t like you as much as he does? Especially after he’s decided he’ll do his best to be honest with himself, and by extension, the others in his life (you especially.) 

Even if it’s embarrassing, or uncomfortable because he’s not used to his emotions being obvious and out on display, it’s what he wants, needs even. He needs to let them out if he’s going to be a better man than he was the day before, to be deserving of you when the time is right. So instead, he does what would normally be the unthinkable- he owns it. No denial, no avoidance, no playing it off as less severe or important than it really is to him. 

“Can you.. Send it to me? I- I want to keep it,” Chan asked, easily the most shy and embarrassed to ask a question he had ever been in his entire life. Hyunjin blinked, initially surprised, but then immediately smiled. “Of course Channie-hyung! You should send it to Y/N too, I’m sure she’d like it,” he said as he eagerly opened his message tab, clicking Chan’s name to send the photo he took. 

“You could send it to her,” Chan responded before the words following fully sank in, “You think she’d want it too?” “Why wouldn’t she? You’re friends, aren’t you? And it’s a cute memory,” Hyunjin said, doing his best to convey why he thinks you’d want it without revealing that you absolutely have as bad of a crush on Chan as he does on you. (And it’s not like you explicitly told him either; it’s just that you’re as obvious about it and easy to read as Chan is.) 

“Right, yeah, of course.” Was it silly to hope that Hyunjin would say something like ‘obviously because she likes you!’ …Yeah. Definitely. But when he looked at the picture, it gave him hope that maybe you felt the same way; and if you didn’t, that maybe you would in the future, after he gave his earnest effort to be someone good. 

His next bit of hope came during a get together for Hyunjin’s birthday. The weather had just begun to turn warm, the days slowly getting longer and longer and allowing for more frequent outings. Thus, by Hyunjin’s own request, you went to have some fun downtown, hitting up local art scenes and scouting out opportunities for the birthday boy to get some fresh, new supplies. It turned out to be a long day, with Hyunjin’s interest piqued towards various different places and sights, and as night rolled in most of the group had empty stomachs and aching legs. 

You all settled for having dinner at the house, picking up takeout and a birthday cake on the way back. You seemed different after eating dinner, Chan noticed, sitting on the couch away from the group in the kitchen, who were crowding around the birthday cake waiting for a slice. You were watching them with an almost somber expression, and Chan could’ve sworn your eyes were fixated on him in particular. 

Had he done something to upset you? There was nothing he could recall, but he wasn’t exactly well versed or experienced with understanding or handling the complexities of feelings. He could easily imagine a world in which he unintentionally said or did something wrong, but he hoped that maybe you were just tired, and Chan only thought you were looking at him in sadly, when in reality, exhaustion was just catching up to you. 

In reality, you were staring at Chan, but not for the reason he feared; he hadn’t done a single thing to upset you- quite the contrary, actually. He was good- not just to you, but to everyone. You watched the way he’d shoulder everything, how he’d support endlessly and rarely accept anything back, always so selfless and caring, withstanding anything thrown his way with generous consideration. 

You learned a lot about Chan in your time with him; about his youth, what his family dynamic used to be like, how even before he dropped out he had a bad reputation at his school for appearing stand-offish and cold. That reputation followed him for a majority of his life after leaving as well, with most people who knew him having a great dislike for him due to their perceived vision of him and the half-truths (or outright lies) they believed in. It was only people like you and his brothers, who took the time to know him beyond the superficial front, that knew what a great person he truly was. 

And truthfully, it angered you; why were people so quick to judge someone they didn’t know? Sure, that impression helped sometimes, like with Jae who obviously wanted nothing to do with him, but he was the exact opposite of what people made him out to be. He wasn’t violent or cruel, nor was he scary or someone to be avoided at all costs. He was just a boy, now a man, who had suffered far too much pain and cruelty for someone his age, who was just doing his best to navigate the world with the limited resources he had. What was so wrong with that? 

But despite all the misconceptions of others, the burdens he carried, or the responsibilities he had, you never once heard him complain about any of it, or show any sign of annoyance. Because despite what people might think about him, the people close to him knew who he truly was- someone who lived his life with compassion and kindness, who was misunderstood but not ill-intentioned, always trying his best despite the difficulties that came his way. 

Sometimes you would wonder, though- is he really okay? Chan had dealt with so much, enough to easily break down even the most resolute of people. And as much as he shared, there was equally as much that you didn’t know; about what he felt, if he ever received as much as he gave, if he was truly happy. You did your best to ensure he was, that you always returned whatever favor he gave you, by being a reassuring presence for him as much as he was for you, but it was hard to know if that was enough. 

You wanted to ask, but you didn’t know how best to broach the subject, or if he’d even be willing to talk about it if you did. He had opened up to you before, during late night chats or if something he saw reminded him of a memory he held, but the moments themselves were quite fleeting, and you worried about him. You always worried about him, no matter where you were or what you were doing, because simply put, you loved him. 

You weren’t in love with him (you definitely were), but he was an undeniably important person in your life, who you had a lot of love and care for. He was your friend, and you wanted the best for him. You’d never force him to share with you or tell you anything he didn’t want to of course, but you hoped he knew that he could if he wanted to, that he never had to be scared or uncertain when it came to opening up to you, and that you would always listen and be there for him. 

Chan approached you carefully, working up his courage to talk to you and see if you were okay, and to know if there was an apology he owed you for some unknown grievance. “Are you okay? What’s got you so deep in thought tonight?” he’d asked, trying his best to not show how nervous he felt; you’d stopped looking at him, but he could tell even from afar that you were focused on something. “Oh, I..” You hesitated a moment, wondering how you should best phrase what your honest thoughts were. 

You took a quick glance towards the kitchen where everyone else was, noting that everyone still seemed to be involved in their own conversations and antics, not paying any mind to the two of you. That made it a little easier; you think you’d die of embarrassment if they heard what you planned to say next. 

“I was thinking about you actually,” you said quietly after turning your gaze back to Chan. What surprised him wasn’t just how openly you admitted it, but how you didn’t seem the least bit angry or upset with him like he was worried you were. So.. what about him had you so deep in thought, then? “What about me..?” he asked hesitantly, hoping for the best but still slightly scared he was reading you completely wrong. 

You swallowed before continuing, worried that you were somehow going to offend him by bringing up what you were thinking. While you felt like you knew Chan fairly well at this point, people can still become defensive or agitated when asked about something personal, and that’s the last thing you wanted him to feel. But he’s looking at you expectantly, eyes fixed solely on you as he waited to hear what you had to say, so there was no getting out of it now. “I was wondering if you are okay lately. Like.. really okay, and not just saying you are so we don’t worry about you.” 

Oh. He was completely stunned by your words, unexpectedly taken aback. No one had ever said that to him before, and he didn’t know how to respond to such earnest concern for him. Obviously, he had been asked if he was okay plenty of times in his life, but never in a way such as this, that insinuated there was a lot more hiding below the surface. And there was. Deep buried feelings gnawed at him, begging to be acknowledged, but he always pushed them down further, reasoning that now wasn’t the time and he’d confront them later, when the time was right. 

But when was the right time? It never came, no time ever feeling like the right one, or maybe Chan just spent so much time avoiding his feelings that now he didn’t know how to confront them. He was so used to sharing so little, that even his earnest efforts were still small in comparison to what most others were able to do, he was sure. But how did you realize that about him? Was it just coincidence, or were you already so acclimated to him that you could recognize the way his brain worked? 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” you said after his prolonged pause, worried that you did in fact make him uncomfortable as you feared. “I- No, I was just surprised,” he finally responded, turning to look in the direction of his friends just as you had done a moment prior. They were all joking around, laughing loudly as they made the birthday boy wear a stupid party hat they picked up and putting frosting on his face, leaving Chan in his own little bubble with you. 

He turned his gaze back to you, wanting to say something, anything, but finding it difficult to speak, as usual. His words were trapped in his throat, refusing to come to the surface no matter how much effort he poured into trying. You took notice of his hesitancy, and decided to speak again in the hopes of giving him some comfort. “I just.. You’ve done a lot for me since I met you, more than anyone ever has, so… I want to be there for you too. If you need it, I mean, because I really, really care about you..” Your face heats up a bit when you’re finished speaking, feeling nervous from the admission. 

This must feel so out of the blue from Chan’s perspective, and that thought made you feel silly for bringing it up in the middle of a birthday party in the first place. And on top of that, you’d openly said how much you care about him, which is embarrassing all on its own. Even if it’s not a love confession by any means, it feels similar enough that it makes your heart pound like crazy. 

Chan’s face grew hot, positively burning, heart rate picking up drastically. He hopes you don’t notice the obvious red creeping on his features, or hear how fast his heart is beating against his chest. It wasn’t just the fact that he hadn’t expected this moment to happen that made him react this way, but the way you expressed your concern for him. You wanted to support him, you wanted to make sure he was okay, you were thinking about him. Normal things, sure, but when coming from someone you have undeniable feelings for, it’s enough to make your blood pressure skyrocket. 

He swallowed, preparing himself to make another attempt at speaking. “Thank you, Y/N, I really appreciate that,” he said, offering a timid smile your way to ease your growing anxiety as he continued, “It might be hard for me, but.. But I’ll try, at the very least.. To tell you if I’m not okay, I mean.” You returned his smile earnestly, evidently pleased with his response. You couldn’t ask him to open up easily or suddenly share all his close-held concerns and deeply buried thoughts, but the fact that he’d try and was open to it was what’s important. If he could trust you the way you had grown to trust him, that’d be more than enough for you to be happy.

From a distance, Felix had taken notice of the way you and Chan hadn’t joined in on the chaos of chasing Hyunjin around the kitchen to cover him with icing, and paused to look in your direction. The others stopped too when they noticed his pause, following his gaze to be met with the same sight of Chan’s burning face and the beaming smile you held towards him. They had hope, as much as Chan did, that there would come a day where the two of you would become a couple. 

Was it okay to be this happy? Was it okay for Chan to hope that you returned his feelings? Was it okay to plan his confession, to wonder how his life would look if you said yes, to picture himself kissing you and holding you close at all hours of the day? There were still things he had to do first, things to get out of and people to get away from, but you were his driving force to do that, the motivation to turn his life into something better, the hope he needed to get through it all. 

Even if he didn’t deserve it, you made it worth trying. His life, which was plagued with bad memories and remorse for actions taken, became brighter and more livable when you were there to share it with him. Maybe it was okay to have someone to lean on, someone to confide in and share his burden with, someone to ground him and remind him that happiness is possible for him, and that it doesn’t always have to be a fleeting hope or dream. 

That’s what you were for him- hope in human form, a dream come true. Everything he wanted, everything he needed, beautiful and perfect in every way. And if you accepted his feelings, he’d never stop showing his appreciation to you, he’d shower you with all the love you could handle and then some, making sure you always knew just how much you meant to him.

There were many things in this life that left Park Jaehyung feeling resentful; the way adults expected absolute obedience from him, the way he was expected to be an exemplary student with no flaws, and the way society projected their version of ‘success’ onto him. He wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it, with no one to tell him what is or isn’t proper. All he wanted in life was to have fun and live by his own terms, consequences be damned. If he wanted to smoke, he’d do it. If he wanted to party, he’d do it. And if he wanted to get with a girl, even one who absolutely loathed his existence, he’d do it. So, what by far angered him more than anything else was the way Bang Chan had thrown himself into your life. 

Jae would say that he knew Chan and his crew fairly well, often finding themselves within the same spaces. And from an outside perspective, comparisons definitely could be made between the groups; after all, how different from each other could some ex-school delinquents be from a shady drop out that no one gave a shit about and his friends that followed him around like lost puppies?

They’d often find themselves rooted in the same places, attending the same parties, pissing off or scaring the same people; but that was the extent of any similarity between them. Contrary to what an outsider may believe, Jae absolutely hated Chan and his group of stupid ass friends. And anyone who would look at them and come to the conclusion that they were friends were blatant fucking morons. 

From Jae’s perspective, Chan was pretentious and irritating; he always had a holier than thou attitude, looking down on Jae and his friends as if he was any better. Who was Chan to preach about morals and principles? Who gives a fuck about any of that bullshit? Jae certainly didn’t, and he was tired of being told he was ‘in the wrong.’ If Chan wanted to spend his whole life worrying about whether or not what he was doing was right or wrong, he could, but Jae wasn’t going to listen to it. Besides, it was pretty fucking ironic to get lectured by a “professional” fixer of all people. He really should drop the “I’m better than you” act.

But for the most part, Jae could live his everyday life without interacting with Chan or seeing any of his loyal idiots. The occasional glare on the street or punch thrown at a party was the extent of their relationship, if you could even call it that. As long as both sides minded their own business, there wasn’t much conflict to be had. Sure, Jaehyung would love to instigate a problem given how much he disliked them, but he wasn’t stupid enough to start a fight he wouldn’t assuredly win. Some might accuse him of cowardice, but he would argue that it was just being smart. There was nothing to be gained from a losing battle; it was better to bide his time, and wait for the right moment. And there was a critical piece missing in the “right moment” that he still needed; you. 

For as long as he could remember, Jae found school pointless. It was repetitive, boring, and everyone around him was exceedingly fake. They all wore such obvious masks, trying (and failing, in Jae’s opinion) to appear without fault. No one was perfect and he found it pitiful to even try and pretend they were. No matter who you are or what you do, something will be flawed. There will always be something wrong with you, always something there for someone to criticize. So what was the point of it all? By the time he entered high school he was used to this monotony and the ignorance of his peers. 

And that’s when he saw you for the first time; shy, vulnerable, unmasked you. You weren’t trying to project anything to anyone that wasn’t authentically you, though at first he couldn’t tell if that was intentional or not. Whether you simply had no reason to, you were comfortable not to, or maybe didn’t even realize how different you were amongst the people he’d grown to hate; whatever the reason, he was intrigued by your ‘realness’ in a sea of two faced, judgemental people. You were smart but not boastful, kind but not pretentious, beautiful but seemingly modest; and he liked it. 

At first, his fixation with you started with simple curiosity driven observation. You were always at the top of the class but never once looked down on anyone below you. And while he personally found studying incredibly tedious and pointless, he did oddly admire how much you devoted yourself to it. You weren’t born smart, at least he assumed so from how often he witnessed you studying, rather you reached your heights through effort and determination. And instead of finding it a worthless effort like he would if it were someone else, he found himself meeting a strange feeling he couldn't name. 

He wasn’t sure why, but watching you give your earnest effort to your studies didn’t piss him off like it did with everyone else. Normally he’d tell someone like you that they were wasting their time- studying was stupid, school was stupid, and anyone who cared about it was stupid as well. So why didn’t he have that same sentiment towards you? Why did he want to encourage you? 

Why did he want to always look at you? What was it about you that infatuated him so much? He could have any girl he wanted, ones who lined up with his view of the world and he could woo as easily as he could tie his shoe, but instead he always found his gaze landing on you. To like someone like you went against everything he ever told himself, but maybe that was okay. Maybe you could change his perspective, make him the kind of person that could care about shit like this.  

That’s why he approached you that day. He didn’t tell any of his friends what he was feeling or about his intentions to get to know you- it was something he wanted to do for himself. He didn’t want to look at you from afar anymore, he wanted to be next to you. He wanted to talk to you, get to know you, find out what makes you the person you are. 

And then his friend fucking ruined it. Maybe it was Jae’s own fault for always putting himself in the leader position, for being the kind of person who can’t let someone else take charge, because that meant he had people waiting on him. In hindsight, it was obvious someone would notice his absence from the group and come seek him out, but it still pissed him off. And what pissed him off even more was the words his friend spoke. 

“I knew it! You do like her!”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now what was he supposed to do? His friend’s smug fucking grin was infuriating. Who was he to look at Jae like that? He couldn’t admit he genuinely liked you or say he wanted to get to know you, he had a reputation to maintain. So, he did the opposite of what he truly wanted to do; he treated you the same way he treated the girls he had flings with, acting like you were some lovesick puppy who couldn’t handle that he didn’t like you the way you liked him. 

You were going to hate him after that, he knew it; and maybe he was stupid for even thinking he could have genuine friendship with someone like you given the kind of guy he was. And why should he want that? He doesn’t do shit like that, he never has, and the fact that you even managed to get into his head and make him doubt the way he’s lived so far pissed him off. You were just a girl, at the end of the day. 

And so his complicated, unresolved feelings of frustration and hatred were endlessly unleashed upon you, the undeserving outlet for his confusion and stubborn desire to never change his ways for anyone. He’d live his life the way he wanted, regardless of what anyone had to say about it, and like-minded people could come along for the ride as long as they recognized him as the one on top of it all. 

And you, the one he liked for a fleeting moment before it all came down on him; he wouldn’t let you go. Because whether you liked him or hated him, you wouldn’t be able to ignore him. As long as you felt something for him, even if that feeling was hate, fear, or dread, it was a feeling for him, and he’d take anything from you he could, because that was the best he was ever gonna get. 

When he saw you at that party, it felt like fate. God didn’t do favors for men like him, but maybe he could start to believe in shit like that if he kept getting blessed like this. When graduation day came, he was sure he’d never see you again. You were moving to god-knows-where, while he’d stay stuck in this shitty city with his shitty friends, doing the same shit he always does. 

Well, his time with you couldn’t last forever; this was the inevitable conclusion, after all. He’d just crash wherever he felt like it, work when he felt like it, and maybe get a girl on his arm to take your place when he felt like it. But then he saw you, at this random ass party he went to by chance, purely cause his friends were going and booze was promised. 

You hadn’t moved all that far, it turned out. You were still within his reach, and he had you now. Oh, and the look you gave him when your eyes met; he knew he missed it but damn, did it light a fire in him. He had you again, he had you, and then Chan fucking ruined it, like he ruins everything he comes in contact with. 

It was okay, he thought. There would be more chances, and Jae could be assured of the fact that no one fucking likes Chan, and you wouldn’t either. Now that he knew you weren’t all too far from where you grew up, he could find you again, and relive his glory days before they ever even faded. But every fucking time he saw you again, Chan was there, ruining it. 

Fuck, it infuriated him. And the way you looked at him? What the fuck was that? The way you smiled at him made him absolutely sick; Jae never knew you could smile like that, and why would he? He never did anything to warrant something like that, but if he didn’t get to have it, then why did Chan? Chan didn’t deserve shit, and especially not you. 

You smiled at him like he was the world, stared at him with twinkling eyes and a flushed face, let him wrap his arm around you and hold your hand with the most shy delight Jae had ever seen. And it all went to Chan? All your pretty looks and radiant smiles were for him? No, he couldn’t take that. If there was one thing Jae was going to do, it was going to be making sure he ruined it for Chan, the way that Chan ruined everything for him. 

And finally, his patience was rewarded, because he sees you walking alone in a shopping plaza not all too far away from where you go to school. It’s a popular spot for the local college students, carrying everything they need to get through their daily lives, as well as a few luxuries. It’s not all that busy at this time of day however; it’s still fairly early on a Friday evening, and if Jae had to guess, that’s precisely why you’re here now, instead of an hour or two later when there will be a rush of students all looking to do some shopping or have a bit of weekend fun. 

He wasn’t here for you, having come instead to look for a hook-up, but he’s not going to ignore a perfectly good opportunity when it’s presented to him. He wastes no time in approaching, smiling has he does, eager to put a plan in motion to bring everything Chan wants crashing down on his fucking head. You freeze when he calls your name, heart sinking as you register the voice you’re hearing. 

You know it all too well, never able to forget it. Despite your better judgment screaming at you to just keep walking, you turn in the direction you heard the voice to see Jaehyung standing against one of the plaza’s many support beams. What was he doing here? You want to believe he didn't come out looking for you purposely, but you wouldn't put it past him; he's certainly capable of it. “Long time no chat, huh? Have you missed me?” he asked with the signature condescending tone you were once so familiar with. 

“What do you want?” You ask sternly, deciding you absolutely will not entertain any of his mocking. “Wow, so hostile already,” Jae fakes a disappointed sigh as he crosses his arms, “That’s pretty brave of you given your guard dog is nowhere in sight.” You glare at him as you stick your hands in your pockets, wanting to have your phone at the ready in case he tries something with you. “If you touch me you’ll regret it. Chan will know it was you,” you say, trying to sound braver than you feel. You had no doubt that Chan would kick his ass if Jae did anything to you tonight, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t try anyways if he really wanted to. 

“Yeah, you’re right, which is why I’m not gonna do any of that shit. I just wanna talk to you," Jaehyung says, and your brow immediately raises in suspicion. He just wants to talk to you? Yeah fucking right. “Talk about what? There’s nothing I want to hear from you,” you counter, and he chuckles, fully expecting a reaction like that. 

“Just hear me out. How well do you know Chan? Like really know him?” he counters back. “..Why?” you ask with a frown. You wanted to say you knew Chan well, but the truth is that there’s still a lot about him you don’t have insight on. Despite that, you’re sure that anything Jae has to say about him isn’t going to be the truth, and you certainly won’t let anything from Jae’s mouth change how you feel about someone, especially not Chan. 

“Mm, I see,” Jae responds, seemingly amused at the way you refuse to offer anything up. “How about this then, do you know what he does for a living?” You narrow your eyes at his question. What is he getting at by asking you something like that? “He works at a convenience store,” you respond flatly, not wanting to give away anything you feel from his pestering. “Oh, does he? Are you sure about that?” he responds with a sarcastic smile that leaves you feeling uneasy. “What are you insinuating?” 

“Do you really think that the money he makes at a convenience store earns him enough money to pay for that big ass house he lives in? All the food they eat, their bills, school expenses, everything? Even with some extra help and a hell of a lot of overtime, that’s a bit unrealistic, don’t you think?” he once again counters your question with one of his own, clearly trying to plant seeds of doubt about Chan within you. “Come on, you’re smarter than that, why don’t you think about it harder?"

You glare at him again, refusing to listen any further or reach whatever conclusion he is attempting to bring you to. “Whatever you’re trying to say about Chan, I don’t care. Tell it to someone else.” You start to turn to walk away, feeling fed up with his game at this point, but he quickly grabs your arm to stop you. 

“Let go,” you protest as you try to tug your arm away, but he tightens his grip. “Just listen,” he says as he keeps a firm hold on you, “Chan isn’t as good as you think he is.” You scoff at his words. As if someone like him was any better? You’d take Chan over him any day, no matter what it is you don’t know about him. “You’re going to lecture me on good people? After all you’ve done to me? Whatever Chan may or may not be involved in, I’d take my chances with him rather than spend even another second around you.” 

Jae’s face contorts in anger at your words, and he roughly throws your arm back at you. “Fine, go fuck your piece of shit criminal boyfriend and see where it gets you!” 

…What?

Jae sees the shock and confusion clearly on your face, and his usual smug smile replaces the scowl he held just a moment ago. “What, you didn’t know? He does some real bad shit in his free time, sweetheart. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets arrested one of these days,” he returns to his mocking tone, clearly trying to get even more of a reaction out of you. 

“I don’t believe you,” you respond and he laughs, as if he expected to hear that. “Of course you don’t. But I can prove it to you.” “Prove it how?” you question despite your better judgment. You know you shouldn’t indulge Jae by leaning into whatever he was trying to make you think, but if there was some semblance of truth in his statement.. What would that mean for Chan? What would it mean for you?

“Meet up with me later, you’ll see then,” he says plainly and you frown in response. “I trust you even less than I believe you,” you say as you cross your arms and Jae laughs again; you certainly have gotten more of a spine since the last time he saw you. “If I did anything to you, Chan and his friends would find out about it, so I really have nothing to gain from tricking you unless I have a death wish.” 

You narrow your eyes, contemplating the situation before making any definite decision. You supposed what he was saying is true at least; anything he tried would get back to the guys and they’d go after him with no hesitation. But even so, you were still hesitant to go along with this. You really didn’t want to give him any satisfaction by buying into whatever he was trying to tell you, but now there was a gnawing feeling in the back of your head telling you that if it was true, and Chan is a criminal, you needed to know. 

“..Fine, but don’t expect me to go anywhere private with you,” you finally say, a knot building in your stomach as you commit to seeing what Jae thinks is so terrible about Chan. “Fine with me, princess, just show up where I tell you to and you’ll see everything you need to,” he smirks at you and your stomach churns, both from the smug look on his face and the nauseating nickname.

“I’ll reach out, so don’t chicken out, ‘kay? I expect to see you,” he grins before he turns away, leaving you to resume your evening. As he gets further away, guilt and uncertainty begins to creep up on you. What if this is something you and Chan can never come back from? What if you can never trust each other again? Is it worth potentially losing someone so special to you? You hope beyond words that this isn’t a decision you’ll come to regret.

It takes Jae a week to reach out to you again, doing so on social media cause there was absolutely no way in hell you’d ever give him your phone number. You also didn’t see Chan much that week, the guilt and worry eating away at you every time you looked at him, knowing that at some point, Jae was supposedly going to present you with evidence of Chan being a bad person. You still don’t believe that he is, but you need to put this to rest yourself, and not give room for any doubts about Chan to live in your head. 

The address Jae sends you is indeed a public one, a relatively large park just outside of the city that you imagine is popular with the families that live close to it. At the time you’re going though, there definitely won’t be any families there. You have reservations about meeting up with Jae at night, even if it’s at a public place, but he insists that night is the only time that’ll work because “people don’t do shady shit during the day” apparently. 

Begrudgingly, you go to the park well before the appointed hour, passing the time on a bench until Jae shows up, having your phone at the ready just in case this is all some sort of elaborate plot to get you where he wants you. He grins when he sees you, shooting you a wave that you don’t reciprocate. “Nice to see you,” he says with a smirk as he walks up to you. 

“Can’t say the same about you,” you respond flatly, “let’s just get this over with.” “Gladly,” he responds, motioning for you to stand up. You do, hesitantly, and he walks over to a small hill at the edge of the park, walking up it and expecting you to follow. “What are we doing?” you ask, cautiously taking steps to reach the top. “Look there,” Jae points across the street, where street lights illuminate a rather empty street, with a small alley just within your line of sight. 

“Just wait, this won’t take long,” he says, holding his characteristically smug smile as he leans his weight against a tree. You frown as you turn your attention back to the street, looking around for anything you’re supposed to be noticing but aren’t, but you don’t notice anything in particular of importance. On top of that, your mind is at war with itself, one part scolding you for really following along with this, while the other demands you see it through so you can put any doubts about Chan’s character to rest.

“There we go,” Jae says enthusiastically as two figures appear on the street walking next to each other, one man that you don’t recognize and one that you definitely do- Chan. “What is this?” you ask, not sure what’s so critically important about watching Chan walk the street with some guy you don’t know. “You’ll see, just don’t take your eyes off him,” Jae responds, pointing forward and urging you to not look away for even a moment. 

The pair step into the alley, and while there’s no light to illuminate them fully when they’re off the main street, you can still see them well enough. They’re talking, you think, calmly at first, but then it becomes more animated, with the stranger becoming increasingly more expressive with his arms and hands. He’s.. panicked? He takes a step back, trying to put distance between himself and Chan, but then it happens- a punch thrown, by none other than Chan himself. 

He hits the man hard, and he crumples to the ground instantly, arms coming up to protect his head after he’s hit the floor. That should be it, you think, but no, it continues, with Chan throwing punch after punch, unrelenting. You can hear the main cry out in pain now, his voice carrying easily to you in the otherwise silent area. You don’t understand- what is Chan doing? You’ve never seen him like this, but surely there’s a reason, right? 

Chan reaches into the man's pockets now, fishing for something, and he finds it soon enough- his wallet. You watch in disbelief as Chan takes the money and shoves it in his own pocket, throwing the wallet back at the man as if it’s worthless now. When he emerges from the alley, it’s even worse- you can see the blood on his knuckles, can see how it drips down to the ground, evidence that there was no mistake in what you saw. 

“Chan!” Jae calls out enthusiastically, rushing down the hill to make his way to him, “Thanks for the show!” Chan looks visibly surprised to see Jae running up to him, but then sighs, rolling his eyes as Jae approaches him. You move down the hill hesitantly, not sure if Chan has noticed you’re here too, but hoping for some kind of explanation. “Why were you watching?” You can hear Chan question as you start to get to the bottom of the hill. 

“What, can’t a guy watch? It’s entertaining seeing a shitty guy get what's comin’ to him,” Jae answers and Chan scoffs before he holds his hand out to Jae, clearly waiting to be given something. “Ironic coming from you. But whatever, I did what you asked, so just pay me so we can get out of here.” “Yeah, yeah, good doin’ business with you and shit,” Jae smiles as he reaches into his pocket, putting a large stack of bills into Chan’s hand. 

Jae looks back at you then, who is still standing across the street at the bottom of the park’s hill, confusion and disbelief threatening to rip your brain apart as it tries to make sense of everything. “There you go princess, all the proof you need,” he says with a smirk; he accomplished exactly what he was hoping to- anything you had with Chan is ruined.

Chan is clearly confused, and follows Jae’s gaze straight to you, who he realizes just witnessed the entire exchange. His face changes in an instant when his eyes meet yours, blood draining from his face and eyes going wide. Jae says something to him then, but he says it so low that you can’t hear it, and Chan’s gaze remains fixed on you, as if Jae isn’t even there anymore. “Well, I’ll leave you two to sort this out. And don’t worry about the guy in the alley, he’s a good friend of mine so I’ll get him home,” he says in a smug tone, clearly happy with the situation he’s created. 

“Fuck you Jae,” you bite as you shove past him, rushing up to Chan who has begun to hurriedly step away from the scene. You hear Jae laugh behind you, but you ignore it, fixed on your goal. You need to talk to Chan. “Chan, please wait!” you call to him, doing your best to keep up with him despite how much faster he is than you. You know what happened just now is wrong, that whatever is going on with him is bad, but you need to hear him tell you why he’s doing it, you need to know what’s going through his head. 

“Chan-” you’re about to plead again but he stops, allowing you to catch up with him. He slowly turns to you, hesitant to meet your gaze even as you look up at him. Fuck, he felt so stupid. How could he believe you'd never find out about his secret life? How could he believe that one day you'd be with him happily? He was so incredibly naive, and he hated it, hated how he had tricked himself into believing he could have normalcy and happiness with someone else. Who was he kidding? There was no way he'd ever be allowed to live a life like that. 

“..I need to call Changbin, and then I’ll take you home,” he says lowly as he takes his phone out of his pocket, and you watch as he puts some distance between you, not trying to get away from you but just far enough to have as private of a conversation with Changbin as he can. “Hey hyung, what’s up?” Changbin’s voice comes through on the other end, but can tell immediately something is wrong when all he hears is a shaky exhale as Chan tries to find the words. 

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” A million possibilities race through Changbin’s mind; he knows what Chan does for extra cash, and he knows the dangers that can come from it. He’s trying not to assume the worst, but fuck, whatever happened must be bad if Chan is choked up on the other end. “I’m gonna be late coming home tonight. I, uh.. I need to take Y/N home. She’s with me,” Chan says and Changbin is quiet for a moment as he processes the information he was given.

“I thought you had a job tonight, though. Are you saying..?” “Yeah, she saw me,” Chan interjects, not even needing to let Changbin finish his question. “Fuck, okay, just.. Take your time, alright? Don’t rush to come home, we’re fine. I’ll let them know what's up so don’t worry about it, just take care of Y/N.” “Yeah, I will.. Thanks, I’ll see you later,” Chan mutters into the phone before he hangs up, stuffing it back into his pocket and taking another shaky breath before he turns back to you.

“Chan-” you start when you see him walking back over to you, but he quickly cuts you off. “Let’s get you home, I didn’t park my car from here,” he says tersely, walking briskly towards the end of the street. You frown, but decide not to dwell on it too much; you can’t imagine what he must be feeling right now, and the last thing you want to do is make the situation even worse than it already is. 

You follow him swiftly, trying not to be concerned about the silence between you. It doesn’t take long for you to see his car, parked in a nearby empty parking lot, the only car in sight. Chan doesn’t drive much, his car basically reserved strictly for work and emergencies, so you’ve only been in it a handful of times. You wonder now though if this is the reason he only uses it when he has to- do police know his license plate? You don’t know if you’re ready to find out. 

When you reach his car, he unlocks it wordlessly, and you both enter quietly, neither of you uttering a single thing even as he starts the engine and pulls off the street. You want to try talking to him again but you aren't sure if you should even try yet; he's very clearly upset but if he's not ready to talk about it yet then there's nothing you can do. 

Truthfully, Chan desperately wants to say something, hating the silence he was subjecting you to, but found himself at a loss for words and stuck in his own head. Jae's words before he walked away rang in his head over and over again. "If you think a good girl like her can fall in love with trash like you, you're pathetic." And it was true, he was pathetic.

It was pathetic to pretend he could have a better life than this. Pathetic to think you would always be with him. Pathetic to think anything about him was worthy of love. What kind of happy life was he hoping for when this is what his life was truly like? He knew there was no easy way out of this kind of shit once you entered it, but at the time he really had no choice. He tried everything else possible and there was nothing left; and even with how dangerous he knew it could be he was resolved to see it through because when he began he was just a kid in desperate need of cash at any cost.  

He wishes things could be different now. He didn't want you to ever see this side of his life, to see the kinds of things he had to do to afford all of the things a person needs to survive. And while the rational part of Chan's brain was telling him there was no way you'd just walk away or hate him, it was overpowered by the wave of self loathing washing over him. 

Because even if you didn't hate him after this, could you love him? Could you even still look at him the same way you could just last week, when you gave him that bright smile you always did. Would you still want to confide in him? To rely on him? To let him rely on you? He doesn’t know if you realized it, but Chan has come to rely on you a lot. 

Not in the overt ways like asking for help or opening up about his deepest thoughts, which he only did on occasion, but in the normalcy you offered him. In your presence, Chan felt like the life he wanted was attainable, like he could leave all the bad behind him and have something good. You were always there to distract him from the life he led privately, to give him a sense of peace. He could be comfortable around you, and allow himself to relax. 

He could be carefree and live in the moment instead of being stressed about what the future held for him. He could forget about all his regrets just from seeing you smiling up at him. Late at night when insomnia was gripping him, he would look over your messages fondly and wonder what it would be like to share a bed one day. For you to be next to him on his worst nights and help lull him into a peaceful sleep that he wasn't normally rewarded. To kiss you awake and bask in how beautiful you’d be naked with the morning sun glowing around you. 

To Chan, any chance of that future with you was taken away the moment you saw the ugly truth of his life. Even if by some miracle you decided you still wanted to be around him, he knew it wouldn't be the same. There was no way your view of him wouldn't be tainted after this. You'd become strained, being pulled away from each other little by little until nothing was left of the friendship you once held, or of the feelings he'd hoped to admit to you when he was able to leave behind the things that bound him. 

He should just leave your life now, before things get even worse; the pain he'd have to endure if he held on now would become unbearable. You'd distance yourself from him, you'd meet a good guy who actually deserves you and fall in love, you'd forget all about him.. And that's how it should be. You deserved better than him; he knew he had nothing of worth to offer you. 

And he was sure in response you'd bring up how he was there for you and supported you, but anyone could do that. That was the bare minimum of a relationship. What did he have to offer you other than support? There was nothing he could think of that felt good enough or like he was worthy of anyone's time, much less yours. It was better to get the heartbreak over with now.. it would hurt, but much less so than if he prolonged the process. He needed to just rip the bandaid off now and get it over with for both your sakes. He couldn't delay the inevitable.

You felt stiff, the silence deafening as he drove you to your dorm. You couldn't tell what Chan was feeling anymore, his face completely void of anything, as if he turned his emotions off. You didn't know what to do; he cut you off when you tried to speak to him earlier, and now it seemed like anything you said now wouldn't reach him. It was as if he was running on autopilot, like he wasn't truly there with you anymore. 

It didn't take all that long to reach your street given that you were traveling by car, and you felt dread welling in your gut. You wanted to talk to him, to tell him you know he must have his reasons, that you understand that life is cruel and he's probably just doing what he has to, to tell him you understand why he didn't tell you but that you want to hear him out and be there for him regardless. You were approaching your dorm now, and you turned to look at him once again. 

He was so close but felt so far away, his face remaining devoid of emotion. His gaze didn't meet yours, instead he stared straight ahead at the street even after he parked, as if purposely avoiding your eyes. "Chan.." you start again, hoping he'll finally respond to you. You see him swallow and his hands tense up, clutching the steering wheel tighter now. 

His lower lip begins to tremble, but he tells himself he can't give in. This is what is best for you, he's sure of it. Just rip the bandaid off now, it'll be better that way. He can't make your life worse if he steps away now. He can't give himself false hope if he lets you go now. "Chan, I-" "Just go inside," he cuts you off, the pain evident in his voice despite how hard he's trying to mask it. 

"But I-" "Don't. Please don't. Just go." Tears well in your eyes, but you obliged, feeling like now isn't the time to push him on anything. Chan doesn't watch as you exit the car, nor does he acknowledge the way you look back at him one last time before you enter your dorm. It's better this way. It's better this way. It's better this way. He lowers his head to the steering wheel, resting his forehead against his shaking hands. And for the first time in years, he really cries, knowing that you'll never look at him the same again. 

You woke up the next morning with the hopes that Chan was ready to talk to you. You texted him when you were in bed last night, telling him that you care about him and that you just want to talk to him, but he left you with no response. You reasoned with yourself that he’d need more time; Jaehyung unveiling Chan’s deepest secret to you must have shaken him far more than you can imagine, and it makes sense that he’d need time to process. 

Chan led an undeniably hard life, you knew that well at this point; he lost his parents young, his adoptive family were terrible to him, and he dropped out and left them behind to try to make it on his own. He never shared any details about the things he had to do as a child to get by, just leaving it at simple statements that offered no further context. And you weren’t deluded into expecting anything from him; regardless of details he did or didn’t share, you knew he had been through a lot and you weren’t going to ask anything of him that he wasn’t prepared to offer up himself. 

You figured that one day, when Chan had grown comfortable enough and was assured that you were a safe person to share the details of his life with, he’d break down his barriers on his own. All you had to do was be there for him, be consistent with your words and actions, and offer him a safe space to be his authentic self; whatever that self may be. 

And while this wasn’t the outcome you had expected, you hoped that all your efforts up until now had shown him that you were someone he could trust. You weren’t going to judge him, you weren’t going to abandon him, your opinion of him hadn’t changed with the truth. And you told him as much through messages, hoping that when he read them that he’d believe your words. When he didn’t respond you were saddened, but it had only been a few hours since everything took place so you didn’t fault him. You were sure he just needed time, and you didn’t want to put any further pressure on him when he was clearly upset, so instead you just offered kind words to assure him everything was okay. 

However, as the days passed on, you began to lose hope that he’d ever respond. You did your best to stop the sadness encroaching in your heart, telling yourself that there could be a ton of reasons he isn’t speaking to you right now. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions, there was surely a reasonable explanation. His life didn’t revolve around you after all, and a small break in communication shouldn’t linger over you like this. You continued to comfort yourself with rational explanations as you went about your days, hoping with all your heart that you weren’t just deluding yourself.

Felix, who saw you most days due to your routine of coming into the cafe he worked at, could see the toll it was taking on you to have Chan not talk to you. He didn’t even know what exactly happened; Changbin said the two of you had a tiff, but that it should resolve itself after a bit since the two of you cared so much about each other. But as time went on, with Chan so distant and holed up in his room unless he was working, he wasn’t so sure that whatever went on between you was something minor. 

And then when you stopped in one morning, you confirmed what Felix already feared; that Chan’s isolation didn’t extend to just them, but to you as well. He wasn’t replying to any of your texts, and that made Felix’s concern for the two of you grow tenfold. So he talked about it with the others he lived with, barring Chan, and the 3 of them agreed that you should come over to try and make whatever happened right. And besides, all of you were friends, so it only made sense to facilitate a resolution between you. 

They ask you over on a friendly pretense; it’s been a while since you all hung out together, and some fun seemed like it was much needed. You were nervous given the state of your friendship with Chan, but ultimately agreed because you really did miss them as well. Changbin was the one to answer the door when you arrived at their house, smiling and easing your anxiety by making casual conversation with you. Hyunjin and Felix smiled as well when they saw you, greeting you warmly and offering you hugs before you sat down on the couch. 

Hyunjin sat next to you, while Changbin and Felix sat on the chairs nearby. “Is Chan here?” you asked, nervously fiddling with your fingers as you glanced toward the stairs. “Not yet, but he will be soon! While we wait, we should figure out dinner. Anything you want?” Felix suggests and you smile as you nod, feeling comforted by the fact that you have such good friends. 

Chan walks into the house not much later, freezing up once further inside and seeing you sitting there with his brothers. “Hey hyung, we’re just ordering some food before we have a movie night! You should join us,” Felix smiles, hoping that once Chan sees you all together, he can put aside whatever made him so upset and can go back to how things were before. 

Your heart breaks when you look at him, noticing that his dark circles are worse than before, hurt by the knowledge that he must’ve lost even more sleep than he already does, and it’s all your fault. He avoids your gaze, looking instead at his brothers; he knew this was bound to happen, you became friends with them just as much as him, after all. And while Changbin knew the real reason behind Chan’s distance from you, the other 2 didn’t, so of course they’d invite you over to the house and try to rebuild the bridge that he’d burnt. 

But he couldn’t take it; the way all of you stared at him, expecting something from him. You swallow, trying your best not to cry as you look at him, waiting for him to say something to ease all the sadness and anxiety within you. “..No, thanks,” he mutters, going quickly up the stairs and straight to his room, the sound of his door closing clearly heard once he’s reached it. Dejection settles in your gut, your heart shattering into more pieces than you could possibly count. 

Changbin, who is sitting directly across from you, is the first to see your crestfallen expression, and he tries to offer you words of consolation, but you can barely even hear them. You stare down at your lap, trying to blink away the tears that welled in your eyes. Would he never speak to you again? Did you irreparably damage his trust in you? Why wouldn’t he say anything to you?

He was the first person in your life to ever see what Jae was doing to you and help, and he brought with him the kindest people you had ever known. He supported you through your tears, he protected you from the people who wanted to hurt you most. He listened to you as you talked about your life's worries, even when it was something silly like not wanting to do the night's homework. Chan became a constant in your life, truly living up to his promise to be there for you during any and everything, both good and bad. And now that same person was pulling away from you for reasons you couldn’t understand. 

The tears begin pouring before you can even try to stop them, falling to your lap and darkening the fabric of your pants where they fall. Hyunjin notices right away, and pulls you into a hug, trying his best to comfort you by assuring you that nothing happening was your fault. “It is my fault,” you choke out between sobs, burying your face in Hyunjin’s shoulder as sobs escape you. Felix quickly moves in next to you as well, rubbing your back and offering just as much kindness as his brother. 

Changbin’s expression turns into a grimace as he listens to you sniffle and sob, how you blame yourself for everything that was happening despite his brother’s best efforts to calm your aching heart. What the fuck is Chan doing? Felix watches him stand, a look of concern painted on his features; nothing good happens when Changbin is angry. “I’ll be back,” he says with irritability clear in his voice, stepping away from the chair and to the stairs. 

He reaches Chan’s bedroom door in a matter of seconds, trying the door knob without hesitation and is pleasantly surprised to find it unlocked. Good, so he didn’t have to pound at the door and make him come out then. He opens it swiftly, met with the sight of Chan simply sitting on his bed, doing not much of anything. Chan frowns as he turns to his now open door, but isn’t all that surprised at this turn of events. He knew one of them would confront him eventually, and Changbin wasn’t one to hold his tongue if something was on his mind, so it was only a matter of time before Chan got what he was anticipating. “What the fuck are you doing?” Changbin questions, wasting no time at getting straight to the point. 

Chan expected that Changbin wouldn’t waste any time dancing around the subject, but he still wasn’t prepared to unearth the extent of his self loathing. Was he really going to admit how pathetic he felt out loud? Admit to how much he hated himself? Admit to how he felt unworthy of anyone’s time? The silence only served to spur on Changbin’s annoyance, and he crosses his arms as he steps closer to Chan. “Are you really not going to say anything?” 

Chan looks up at Changbin from his seat, meeting his accusatory gaze. “It’s better this way.” he says and Changbin scoffs in response, clearly finding his answer unsatisfactory. “Oh yeah? Y/N crying her eyes out because you refuse to acknowledge her is better?” Chan’s heart squeezes in his chest at hearing that you’re crying, but he still knew it was for the best. After the initial pain she’ll move on and forget about me like she should. She shouldn’t want someone like me. She shouldn’t support someone like me. I have nothing. I am nothing. “Yeah, it’s better.” Chan manages to force the words out. 

“What about what you promised her? Are you going to sit around and do nothing if Jae targets her again?” Changbin’s voice raises, not quite a yell but still louder than his previous speaking tone. “She still has you and the others.” Chan frowns as he answers. It’s not like he was leaving you completely alone and defenseless; his friends were your friends too now, and he knew they wouldn’t let anything happen to you. 

“We’re not the ones she wants,” Changbin nearly shouts, and Chan tenses at this, the statement clearly striking a chord in him. “That’s the whole problem! I shouldn’t be the one she wants!” Chan shouts suddenly as he stands from his bed now, seemingly unable to control the sudden outburst. He freezes after realizing he just said what he was thinking out loud for Changbin to hear; now he knows how pathetic and cowardly he truly is, and there would be no taking it back. 

Changbin’s brows furrow in bewilderment at Chan’s sudden outburst. He understood that what Chan did to make money has risks, and he understood why Chan wouldn’t want you to be a part of that. What he couldn’t understand was why Chan was shutting you out now that you knew about it. Why was he needlessly subjecting you to pain when, in his opinion, you could simply talk it out? 

From Changbin’s perspective, everything would be okay. You clearly didn’t think negatively of him after the reveal, you were still seeking him out and wanting to be near him regardless of what you’d found out about him. And even if you did harbor some ill feeling about it that Changbin couldn’t notice, you were at least trying. You weren’t going to let something you cared about go over a single event, unlike Chan, who was acting like a fucking coward right now. He was throwing everything away, and for what? He just couldn’t wrap his head around it.

“You’re being a fucking idiot,” Changbin scowls. “You just don’t understand,” Chan counters and Changbin scoffs at the statement. “Then make me understand. What am I not getting here? I’d love to know.” Changbin challenged him, words dripping with animosity. 

You don’t understand that she’s too good for trash like me. What is there to love about me? What can I offer her that couldn’t be given by someone else? What kind of life can we live together with the things I've done? She’s smart, ambitious, beautiful.. She can strive for better life and a better person. Someone with high aspirations. Someone who has a better education. Someone who didn’t lead a dangerous life and could put her in danger just by association.  

But instead of saying all that he just averts his gaze, stepping down from Changbin’s challenge without a word. “Fine then, you can have fun with your pity party by yourself, cause I’m not staying to watch it,” Changbin bites as he swiftly turns his back to Chan, preparing to leave his room. “You may be willing to treat a promise like it’s nothing, but don’t expect the rest of us to be okay with it.” He leaves as soon as he’s finished, slamming Chan’s door behind him as he goes.

Right. This is what he deserves. To have nothing and no one, just like before. Because why should he have anything good after what he’s done? He wanted to be the good person you saw him as, but he just isn’t. He’s the worst kind of hypocrite, his virtue circumstantial and fleeting. The good things he did for the people he cared about didn’t cancel out all the bad that came before it, forever staining him no matter how many layers he scrubbed. 

He tried to comfort himself by saying he did it because he had to, because he had no other choice and couldn’t afford to live otherwise, but did it matter? Could he say he lived a life his parents would be proud of? No, but you made him want to try. And he was trying, so, so hard; to leave all that bad shit behind, to be someone worth caring about, to be better. But there are some things that never change, some things that can’t be left behind or escaped from no matter what you do, and he supposes this is just another reminder of that lesson. 

The weeks that followed Chan’s refusal to see you were easily the most painful of your life. You’d never experienced a heartbreak like this before, any pain you thought you felt before paling in comparison to the utter anguish you felt from the loss of Chan in your life. At least before, when you had become distant and separated from friends, you still had contact; you could message each other freely, you could meet up during school breaks or even weekends if time permitted, you still had your bond despite being in different places. But with Chan, it felt like he burnt every bridge he ever had with you. 

You gave up trying to talk to him all together, letting the amount of messages you’d send in a day fizzle more and more, until they inevitably reached zero. In your daily life, you still had the others, but it didn’t feel the same; you felt like an intruder now, like you were encroaching on their space and would just cause strife by being there, so eventually you stopped accepting invitations to hang out with them. Even when you saw them away from the house, you couldn’t meet their smiles the way you once had, because all it did was deepen the ache in your heart. You wanted to appreciate it, to thank them for trying to keep your friendship alive, but every time it just served as a reminder that Chan wouldn't be there for you anymore. 

You also felt at fault for causing a rift between them. Though you stopped staying around the group pretty soon after Chan made it clear he wanted nothing to do with you, you could tell things weren’t the same between them anymore. Changbin especially always seemed to be upset with him, calling him an idiot or a coward, making his distaste for what happened well known. Hyunjin would continue to assure you that nothing was your fault, that Chan just had complicated feelings to work through, but despite his words, you couldn’t stop yourself from feeling at fault regardless. 

If Chan had never helped you in the first place that day he saw Jae on you, their friendship wouldn’t be in this state. If you were a stronger person back then, someone who could handle things by herself, then he wouldn’t have had to step in. And now even Felix makes an effort to comfort you all the time, going as far as to give you an extra cookie and discounting your coffee whenever you’re in his cafe. They always showed you just how kind they were, compassionate beyond words and so patient (well, maybe except Changbin, who definitely was not patient.) 

Truly, you admired them, and Chan above all, who they credited for bringing them together and making them who they are in the first place. But now that same person who you had quickly grown to admire so much was avoiding you on all fronts, leaving you with nothing else to do but move on or wait for him to come to terms with whatever he was struggling with. And truthfully you didn’t want to move on, but waiting wasn’t becoming any easier. Despite the fact that he was within reach, there was nothing you could do. Every glimpse you caught of him or reminder of his absence from his friends left your heart aching in your chest. 

Before you realize it, your last class of the day has ended, and you sigh as you look down at your nonexistent notes. You found it difficult lately to focus on your work with your mind cycling through all its thoughts about Chan. Before, you used to find an escape in your school work; even if everything was crashing around you, you could pour your energy into your work, and find some satisfaction with the good grades you got in exchange for your efforts. But now even that was difficult for you, and you sighed as you knew you’d have to play catch up in your spare time if you wanted to maintain your grades. 

It was the first time in your life you’d ever felt so inadequate; even though it was merely a stress induced performance loss, it still tanked the confidence you had in your ability to succeed, which was the last thing you needed to add to your growing list of problems. Your only saving grace at this point was that Changbin agreed to help you out, and that your professors were gracious enough to let you re-do assignments or get in some extra credit (which they only did because of the good track record you had before your personal life tanked.) 

Truthfully, you felt terrible requesting Changbin’s help to catch back up in your classes, but he didn’t seem to mind in the slightest, and thankfully agreed to study away from the house so you wouldn’t risk seeing Chan and having your heart shatter again after having just managed to start picking up the pieces. You text him now that your class has ended to make sure the study session is still on, and with his confirmation, you decide it’d be a good idea to head back to your room and prepare to meet up with him. 

It takes you no more than 15 minutes to get back to the dorms from where your last class was, and you spend a decent amount of time cramming your bag full of all the textbooks and supplementary materials you’ll need for the evening. The plan was to study together at Sunshine Cafe, where the two of you could sprawl your belongings out on one of the coffee tables towards the back and sit on the comfort of the couch, while Felix would provide you with snacks and drinks to get you through the brain overload you’d certainly begin to feel. 

It’ll still be some time before Changbin meets up with you given that your class schedules don’t entirely align, but it’d still be good to head out and get some self study in until he gets there (and you could really use a change in secenery given that all you've done lately is go to you classes and then straight back to your dorm when they were over.) Once assured you have everything you need tucked in your bag, you sling it over your shoulders, letting your roommates know you might not be home till late before you head out. 

Walking to the cafe with all the extra weight on your back and shoulders certainly isn’t pleasant, but you’ll just have to deal with it if you want to make sure you do well on your catch-up assignments and upcoming exams. And all in all, you actually feel pretty good right now; your friendship with Chan and emotional state might be in shambles, but at least you’re trying your best to pick yourself back up, and that’s what matters most, right? 

But all that positivity you feel is drained in an instant, when at the end of the street you’re on, you see Jae standing right in your path, looking at you with a smile once he notices you’re there. You curse, knowing you still have a few blocks to traverse before you reach your destination, and that anything could happen in the time it takes to get there. 

He starts to approach you, smirking as he does- you don’t know what he has planned when he reaches you, but you don’t want to find out. Did he know that Chan stopped being there for you? Does he think that now that Chan is out of your life he can do whatever he wants? Or was it a cruel coincidence that he saw you here, a coincidence that he now plans on taking advantage of? 

You still have the others, but it’s extremely possible that Jae either doesn’t know, doesn’t care, or is willing to risk it now that Chan being out of the picture takes away one of his biggest threats. There’s a slight hope that maybe he just wants to say something, rubbing salt in your wound by saying “I told you so,” and then he’d go on his way, but the look in his eyes tells you otherwise. He has the same insidious look you saw every day when you were in school together, the twisted delight in his eyes that told you whatever you were in for wouldn’t be pleasant. 

You quickly turn the other direction, ducking into a side street you’d passed moments prior, hoping that you can either use the side streets to make it to the cafe or make Jae lose sight of you. If you were lucky, you’d make it there with no problems, and Felix could shelter you in the cafe until Jae left on his own or Changbin showed up and made him leave. You hear Jae’s laugh behind you, and you panic as you notice that he’s catching up to you much quicker than you’d hoped, the weight of your countless textbooks and study materials definitely not doing you any favors. 

Shit- what do you do now? It becomes increasingly apparent that Jae catching up to you is inevitable, and there is nowhere for you to turn to escape him. As quickly as you can, you grab your phone from out of your bag, hoping that Jae doesn’t realize what you’re doing. You needed to call Chan; you weren’t even sure if he’d uphold the promise he made to you at this point, but what other hope did you have? Chan was the person who said he’d always answer if you called him, and you wanted to believe that. No, you had to believe that. 

Not wasting any further time thinking about it, you send Chan a ping of your location before promptly pressing the call button on his name, haphazardly shoving your phone back in your bag and praying that Jae doesn’t notice as thing when he reaches you. 

Chan frowned as he sat on his couch, once again thinking about you despite his best efforts to get you off his mind. Despite how much he knew it was best to detach himself from you, he still found himself unable to do so easily. Maybe it was his underlying selfishness that didn’t want to let you go, or that his feelings for you had just grown far too much to be quashed, but he couldn’t help but continue to worry about you every day. He felt stupid being so upset about a decision he made, that he truly felt was the right thing to do, but the right decisions are never the easy ones, or so the saying goes. 

Despite all he told himself though, the gnawing feeling continued to eat away at him day after day. ”You’re seeing Y/N today right?” he couldn’t help himself from asking Changbin before he left for the day, and he rolled his eyes, giving Chan an incredulous look. “So you care all of a sudden, huh? Heard me talking about it with Felix? Yeah, we’re meeting up when my classes are over. But don’t worry,” Changbin says with a mildly sarcastic tone before he continues, “I’ll do a good job of looking after her since you won’t.” 

Chan frowned at Changbin’s tone, but he knows it isn’t entirely undeserved given the circumstances. You’re their friend too after all, and he wouldn’t talk kindly to this either if the roles were reversed and it was someone else doing this to you. “Binnie-hyung is still giving you a hard time, I see,” Hyunjin said as he stepped in from the kitchen, sitting next to Chan with his breakfast in hand. Chan just sighed in response, closing his eyes and letting his head hit the back of the couch. 

Was he really doing the right thing or was he just deluding himself into thinking so? Even putting aside the fact that he hasn’t loved himself a day in his life, isn't it just objectively true that you should want nothing to do with him? He knows you care about him, but it’s not exactly uncommon for good people to put their love in the wrong places, and Chan was definitely one of those wrong places. “It’s not too late to make up with Y/N if you want to, you know,” Hyunjin spoke carefully, hoping that at the very least Chan would openly admit and talk about what went so wrong instead of keeping everything so bottled up inside. 

Time passed, and for a moment Hyunjin thought Chan wouldn't say anything at all, before he suddenly spoke up. “I.. don’t know about that. I’m not sure if I even want her to forgive me.” “Why not?” Hyunjin asked, taken aback by the admission. Chan sighed again, self-doubt and anxiety making their presence obvious as they always did when he was dealing with complicated emotions. Truth be told, there was a lot of lingering doubt about his reaction towards you that Chan was scared to confront. 

Should he stop being so stubborn and talk to you or should he be assured in his decision and maintain his distance? He heard multiple times that he was an idiot for detaching himself in the first place (mostly from Changbin, who was the most outspoken with this thoughts), and though he felt like it was the right decision at the time given all his faults and self-doubt, he couldn’t fight the way he missed being around you every day. He knew how much it would hurt to separate himself from you, but it’s what felt right at the time given the tirade of self-hatred that told him he had to. 

He knew the guys didn't agree, and he knew it hurt you just as much as it hurt him, but how was he supposed to explain to everyone how much he hated himself? How much he loved you but knew he would just hold you back? You deserved better than to fall in love with a criminal for hire with no future ambitions. You deserved better than someone who was just coasting through life until the day no one needed him anymore and left him behind. Not to mention that the only ones who knew what he did in secrecy were Changbin, Minho, and now you. 

He used to not think at all about what it would be like to fall in love with someone; he assumed he could just figure it all out when the day came, even if it was years down the line. His mental health was in the gutter and life was hard, but when isn’t it? Aren’t most people unhappy? Besides, he still had his friends, and that was good enough for him. And he didn’t want it to sound like he was never happy, or always miserable, but it wasn't until he spent more and more time with you that he realized how much he yearned for a deeper connection with someone.

Sure, being with his brothers made him happy, and the time he spent with them was valuable and irreplaceable to him, but what would happen in the future when they had their own lives? He barely sees half of them anymore, and soon the other half will move on too, following their dreams, meeting more and more new people, making new friends and building families. And what would Chan have at the end of it all? Nothing, he had come to realize, he would have absolutely nothing. 

No goals, no ambitions, and nothing to offer other than the bare minimum. And he knew you well enough now to know you would say that it's enough, but he just couldn't agree; to Chan, it was nowhere near enough for you, enough for anyone. Becoming your friend opened his eyes to how many mistakes he’d been making, made him confront the reality that feelings and wants you bury deep down will always resurface, and he knew he couldn’t avoid all the things he’d been trying to anymore. 

A lifetime’s worth of sadness, more regrets than he could count on his fingers, and a longing for connection with someone who would love him as he was, faults and all, and help him become better. He had that chance with you, and he blew it; and then, instead of trying to make it right, he retreated back into the very shell he tried so hard to break out of. Instead of putting out the fire that had grown, he watched it burn, telling himself it was better to let everything become ash than risk the burns he would suffer from trying to salvage what little he had. 

In the end, it’s all excuses. He didn’t want to face the fact that he was scared, or admit how little his self-worth he really has, so he fled the scene, and when he was called out, his arguments rang hollow, because even Chan himself knew how little his words could actually be believed. It was true that Chan didn’t believe he deserved anything good, but maybe it was okay to let people care about him regardless. Maybe he needed them to, so that he could finally allow himself to be happy. 

And so he talked to Hyunjin; he told him everything, about what he did, how he felt then and how he feels now, and about how much it hurts to be away from you when he’s so fucking obviously in love with you but feels too worthless to be around you. It was a lot of information to take in, but Hyunjin was truly happy he was finally doing something that was long overdue. Chan had spent so much of his life avoiding his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself, that Hyunjin expected him to dance around it, but he hadn’t. It was proof of the positive effect you had on him, evidence that Chan needed you maybe even more than you felt you needed him. 

Chan didn’t cry, though he certainly felt like he would at times, and Hyunjin truly was proud of him. Sure, he learned some things about Chan that definitely came as a shock, but he had hope that once Chan was done processing all his complicated feelings and getting himself out of the bad shit he no longer wanted to associate with, that the two of you could go back to the friendship you once had. 

He’d left Chan alone after that, citing that he had commissions to work on, though really he just thought it would do Chan some good to have some time to himself to let his thoughts and feelings settle, and hopefully get another step closer to reconnecting with you. Chan himself was still on the couch, thinking a lot about what he should do going forward. Why did everything always have to be so complicated? 

He’s there for a while, cycling between various thoughts related to you and his feelings, when his phone suddenly buzzes from within his pocket. He pulls it out, immediately being met with a message from you, the first you've sent in weeks. But it’s… your location? You’ve never sent him it before, and the fact that you did so without a follow up explanation spreads worry through him. And before he can even react to receiving the message, a call comes through, caller ID clearly displaying your name. Out of all the time you'd known him, this was the first time you were actually calling him. He swallows before he answers, nervous as all hell but knowing he shouldn’t hesitate if you need help. 

“Hello..?” Chan answers carefully, unsure if he should speak at full volume until he knows what kind of situation you’re in. His hand immediately clenches around his phone when he hears Jae’s voice clearly taunting you on the other end; it’s muffled, your phone’s speaker clearly blocked by something, but the voice Chan hears is unmistakable. He curses under his breath as he moves the phone from his face to mute himself, not wanting to accidentally make Jae aware that you managed to call him. Chan refused to risk Jae finding out and ending the call before he can find out what exactly he’s doing to you. 

"Aww, crying already?" he hears Jae's voice patronizing you. Chan scowls, fully aware that there’s no time to waste. He gets his shoes on as quickly as possible, sprinting out of his front door and rushing down the street in a matter of seconds. The location you sent him is on a side street not all too far away from the house, and he hopes that Jae hasn’t dragged you too far away from the spot you sent him. The city is huge when you’re in the heart of it after all, and there would be more possibilities than Chan can count as to where you would be if you’re no longer there. 

He runs as fast as his feet can possibly carry him, not wanting to waste even a single second in getting to you, or give Jae the opportunity to do something terrible. He holds the phone to his ear even as he runs, desperate for a sign that you’re doing okay despite whatever situation you’ve been put in. “Chan taking you away from me really pissed me off. I like you a lot, you know,” Jae’s voice comes through the phone again, and his tone makes Chan grit his teeth. 

Chan wants to rain absolute hell on Jae, make him regret ever laying a single hand on you, but he knows he likely won’t get that chance. Making sure you’re okay and getting you away is his priority, and as much as he wants to obliterate Jae, it will have to wait until after he takes care of you. No matter what Jae deserves, no matter how much he hates him, you are his one and only priority right now, and he will protect you. 

You stare up at the bright blue sky, eyes fixed on the fluffy, passing clouds above you, and you don’t react. You’re limp against the cold, unforgiving wall you’ve been pressed against, completely numb, blocking out everything around you. You hear Jae’s voice but his words don’t register, his hand on your body but your skin no longer reacts to what it feels. Your vision has blurred from tears in your eyes that haven’t fallen, but you continue to stare upward, making no effort to blink them away. 

You had no words to describe the way you felt; it was a devastation so deep that it turned into nothingness, a void. You knew Chan wasn’t coming to help you and you shouldn’t have hoped for it. All you did was set yourself up for the worst heartbreak of all, an incomparable feeling of betrayal and hopelessness, the solidification that this was your reality now, and you just had to face it instead of holding onto hope that it would be different. 

But despite it all, you can’t really blame Chan for not being here. You knew you were weak, and you knew you were a target, but that isn’t Chan’s fault or responsibility. It must be a burden to worry about you all the time, or annoying that you don’t stand up for yourself nearly as much as you should. Your few moments of strength get reduced to nothing in mere seconds, and you always revert back to the scared person you’ve always been. 

And no matter how foolish it is to hope for, all you can think about is how you wish Chan was here. You hoped he’d be here, hoped he’d reassure you. You wanted to feel his gentle embrace and hear his voice, knowing he’d console you with tender words and a soothing tone. And most of all, you really just missed him, missed him more than anything, so, so much.

The way he smiled at you, the way his expression changed when he was embarrassed or being teased, the way he cared for everyone and everything more than you’d ever think a person capable of. Though he certainly did bad things, his kindness towards you was radiant. You didn’t want to define him by what you saw, because you knew him beyond that. You knew how sweet he is, how caring he is, how much he wanted to help others. He understood the value in a helping hand and offered it freely to anyone who needed it without a second thought.

You couldn’t find it within yourself to feel anything but compassion for him even with how alone you felt from his absence. Your glimpses into his life allowed you to see him for who he was beyond what his appearance would suggest. You knew there was more to him than you even learned, hidden parts of his past, his life, and his feelings that you hadn’t yet uncovered. So even when he distanced himself from you, you couldn’t hate him. You knew there was a reason, knew there was something underneath that he was scared to share with you. Chan wasn’t the type to leave someone behind nor break a promise, you refused to believe that he was. 

You just wished he was here, wished that he’d share his thoughts and feelings with you. Wouldn’t things turn out differently if he had? You wanted to support him as much as he supported you. You wanted to encourage him and cheer him on. Even with Jae’s words circling around you and his touch against your skin, your mind was consumed by Chan. At this point you felt you were crying more from his loss than from anything Jae was doing to you. He had just become a catalyst for your feelings to burst, his presence feeling almost nonexistent against the yearning you felt for Chan. 

You loved him. Truly, and above all else. And you knew that no matter what, it wouldn’t change. Chan’s presence in your life irrevocably changed you; he supported you when no one else had, and you loved his personality and his endearing smile. You loved the contrast between his tough exterior and his sweet characteristics. He was simultaneously strong and gentle, both cold and warm, sunshine and rain wrapped into one person. And you loved him, for all that he was.

"Get your fucking hands off her!" You hear Chan's voice shout and you blink in confusion, allowing the tears that were stuck to fall. Is he really here? Or are you in so much pain that now your brain is tricking you, trying to comfort you with a lie? You don’t know, but you welcome it all the same, because even if it is just a trick, it’s the best one you’ll ever be given. 

Your body barely registers the feeling of Jae's weight being shifted off of you, Chan's voice having a chokehold on your senses. Your gaze shifts from the sky to the right; You see Jae, who has evidently fallen backwards onto the floor, the left side of his face a stark red from what you assume was an impact. He’s clearly shocked, but the emotion quickly changes into one of pure hatred directed to the presence left of you. You swallow as you shift your gaze to the left, heart squeezing in your chest when you see Chan, more tears welling in your eyes. He's really here? He really came for you?

Chan's fists are clenched, gaze piercing into Jae with disgust and vitriol. He wants to fucking kill him if he's being honest, but he has to do his best to keep a level head for your sake. He has to get you out of here, keep you safe. "You ever fucking touch her again, I promise you'll regret it," Chan spits at Jae, stepping closer to him and giving one more punch for good measure, assuring he'll stay down and not follow your exit. 

"Y/N, don't let go," Chan says as he turns to you, taking your hand in his. The moment still feels surreal to you, but you do as he says, keeping your grip tight as he runs with you, leading you quickly away from Jae. You run for what feels like ages, but surprisingly don’t feel tired; must be adrenaline coursing through you, or maybe the emotions you feel right now are preventing you from noticing any sort of ache in your legs. 

The next thing you know, you’re at his house, with him leading you up to the safety of his room. You collapse to his bed the minute you’re fully inside, trying to catch your breath after all the running as you still hold tightly to his hand. “I’m just gonna close the door, okay? I’m not leaving,” he says when he notices the way your hand clings to him when he tries to separate, not wanting to let him go. You hesitate, hand trembling as you hold onto his. Everything still feels unreal, and like if you let go he’ll vanish from your sight, and you’ll wake up in the same place you were before, with none of this having happened. 

You look at his face, taking in his soft but serious expression. You feel the warmth in his hand, see the care in his eyes, and you know- you’re okay now. You don't have to be scared anymore. So you eventually nod as you let go, watching as he closes the bedroom door before returning swiftly to your side. He examines you carefully, scowling at the disheveled state of your clothes but overall relieved to see no injury. He steps away for just a moment to rifle through his drawers, pulling out a shift and handing it carefully to you. 

“Here, put this on,” he says, and it prompts you to look down at yourself for the first time. The buttons at the top of your blouse are almost entirely undone, with some buttons completely missing and leaving your bra partially exposed. You frown at the realization that with the buttons missing you won’t be able to button up your blouse again and it’s effectively ruined, but you’re thankful that Chan is offering you something to wear in its place. 

He turns his back to you to let you change in peace, and he doesn’t turn back around until you’ve made it clear that you’re done. “Are you okay..?” he asks softly now as he kneels in front you, eyes fixed straight on you. You meet his gaze, lip trembling as you look at him. You feel overwhelmed, confused, relieved.. Where do you even begin? You look down, swallowing the lump in your throat as more emotion threatens to spill out from your eyes. 

"I'm sorry," he breaks the silence, and you look up, blinking away the tears in the corners of your eyes. "I.. I should've been there for you. I shouldn't have let that happen to you.. I'm sorry," Chan tells you, voice shaky through his apology. He feels so fucking guilty. He wished so badly he didn't let the voice in his head affect him, that he didn't self-destruct so badly and drag you down with him. 

"It's okay," you say, reaching your hand out to grab his, and Chan shakes his head, voice breaking as he talks to you. "It's not okay, I- I broke my promise to you." "You didn't," you say with a small frown and Chan's brows furrow in response. "Yes I did, I-'' You shake your head, cutting him off with your own words, "Do you remember what you told me when we first became friends? When you put your number in my phone?" 

Chan swallows as he thinks back to nearly a year ago, when he found you cornered and vulnerable, Jae tormenting you and expecting to get away with it. "I.. told you to call me," he says after a short moment. "Call me next time, I'll answer. If you call, I'll hear it. I'll come running," you quote him, the words having engraved themselves in your memory. They were probably small to Chan but they meant so much to you. You'd never experienced such kindness before, such an earnest care for your wellbeing, and from someone that was basically a stranger to you. 

That was your proof that he was a good person; someone who deserved kindness and appreciation just as much as anyone else. He was kind, caring, and selfless even to a fault. And you knew Chan didn't believe he was, didn't think anything he did was special but it was, and you want to repay all the care he's shown you, in any way you could. "That was your promise," you continue and Chan's breath hitches in his throat at your words, "I called and you came, just like you said you would, so.. You don't have to apologize. Not for that."

He curses, turning his face away from yours with a small chuckle of disbelief. "I should be the one comforting you right now," he says and you smile softly as you respond. "No matter what you might think, I'd never hate you. Never. And I forgive you." You squeeze his hand in reassurance, trying to convey the sincerity of your words.

"I.. don't think I deserve that," he whispers, swallowing as he tries to control the shakiness in his voice. You're forgiving him this easily? He hasn't earned that, doesn’t deserve it.. You should be furious with him, you should hate him.. So why don't you? "I can't think of anyone who deserves it more than you, Chan," You say and his lip trembles, eyes squeezing shut as he tries not to embarrass himself by crying in front of you. 

He’d grown a thick skin in his life, built his walls sturdy and high, or at least he thought he had. But there you always are, tearing his barriers down so easily, prying open the confines of his heart with the simplest of words and actions. And that's the feeling of love and connection he'd been missing in his life, isn't it? The one he’d be yearning for despite all his doubts and concerns? 

All he can think about when he looks at you is how much he hopes you'll always be with him, even if it's just from afar. He wants to protect you, wants to hold you close, wants to laugh with you on good days and support you during the bad. Even if he never gets the courage to tell you just how much he truly loves you, he'd be happy just being near you. And that’s why he owes it to you to be better, reaffirms his desire, his need, to be honest and open about everything.

“I should.. Be honest with you. About why I was avoiding you,” Chan says after a shaky exhale, and you nod, ready to hear him out. “I was.. Ashamed, when you saw me like that. I never wanted you to see it, you know? I was- I still am, trying to get out of it, and I hoped that when you did know about it, it’d be like.. A thing that happened in my past that you’d never have to worry about. So when you saw it, I just.. I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do, and so I just..” 

Oh no. He’s tearing up again, and the empathetic look in your eyes doesn’t do him any favors. The way you look at him, the way you hold and squeeze his hand as he speaks, the way your eyes water with his, as if it’s just as emotional for you to experience as it is for him. It probably is, to be fair; you cared a lot about him, cried a lot because of him, tried countless times to support him, even when he was closed off, hesitant and scared to try. 

He’s still struggling to believe he deserves to receive your compassion and understanding, but he wants to accept it regardless. He wants to let you care about him, to let you console him, to let you be his comfort, his home. And he’d be that for you, he’d give you back all you gave and more, all to make sure you would never cry because of his actions ever again. 

“I just-” Chan tries again, falling short as the words get stuck in his throat. You’re patient though, giving him all the time he needs to collect his thoughts and put the words he wants to say together. “I just.. Everything felt like it was caving in on me. When it started I was just a kid desperate for money, you know? No one wants to pay a livable wage to a 16 year old, they think you don’t need it, assume you still got your parents and a cushy bed to go home to. So when the offer came up for me to make some quick, good cash in exchange for a favor, I took it.”

“The favors.. What I’d do depended entirely on the person making the request, but they were never good. Usually it was something the person desperately wanted, but didn’t have either the strength or willpower to get their own hands dirty, or couldn’t risk their public image by being associated with a criminal act, so they look for someone to do it for them under the table. So I got mine dirty in their place, and got paid well doing it. And I truly fucking regret it,” Chan spills it all out for you- the woes of his life, his bad deeds and regrets, all for you to see and judge. 

But you don’t judge him; you never would, even if he deserved it. What he said is what you expected, what you hoped to hear- that he wasn’t given a real choice, his circumstances unfair and the world before him too cruel. It hurt your heart to know someone as kind and caring as Chan was forced to do things he hated for money, things that plagued his mind with guilt and tanked his already low self-esteem to new depths.

This wasn’t a case of “ashamed only because he got caught”; his shame and guilt was true, the resentment he felt for himself complexly interwoven with his human nature to survive at all costs, a dilemma that no one should have to face, but that he was forced to time and time again. To say it was unfair felt like an understatement, but it was all you had to describe what life had offered him. 

And still, you admired him; you hear all the time how the circumstances of one’s life changes them, how good people can only tolerate so much pain before it warps them into someone unrecognizable. But through it all, he was still someone full of compassion, of tenderness, who was doing his best to make amends with himself and make up for what he’s done. It wasn’t your place to tell anyone to forgive him, but you hoped that one day Chan could be free of the shackles that weighed him down, both physically and mentally. 

The world doesn’t exist in black and white; good people do bad things, make mistakes, and hurt others, often even without meaning to. What truly makes a person good isn’t whether or not they’ve never hurt someone before- it’s whether or not they’re truly sorry. No one can exist without making mistakes, without hurting feelings and having theirs hurt in return, the human experience is far too complex and not meant to be perfected. No one is perfect, but imperfection is what allows you to grow. 

The things in your life that you regret, that make you feel embarrassed, ashamed, sorry- they make you human. They make you someone worth loving, someone deserving of compassion and empathy. To be human is to love and forgive, to make mistakes and pick yourself back up and try again to be better, to connect with others and build a life with them that makes you happy and proud to be where you are. And it’s what Chan deserves to have a chance at, just as much as anyone else in the world does. 

“You can cry if you need to. I’m here for you, Channie,” you offer, holding your arms out for him to accept a hug if he wants one. It’s a promise, really. You’ll always be here for him, because he’s the person you love most. “I might take you up on that,” he says as he accepts your hug, his tone the most light-hearted you’ve heard all evening, but you can tell he’s grateful. He squeezes you close, and you can feel his body start to release all its built up stress as he relaxes against you. 

He needed this; needed the reassurance that unconditional love is available to him and obtainable, that happiness was something he was allowed to have, that he wasn’t an irredeemable person doomed to endlessly suffer. “There’s something else I should tell you,” he says after a few moments, voice soft and a bit timid, his arms still holding you firmly. You hum in acknowledgment, pulling back from his embrace just enough to look at him. “Whenever you’re ready,” you encourage him, and he smiles just a bit before taking a breath to steady himself. 

“I love you. And I didn’t want to tell you that until everything was behind me, because I thought you wouldn’t return my feelings if you knew about it. If it was just a part of my past, and not something I was actively involved in anymore, then maybe you could, but I didn’t think you’d ever love me otherwise, so.. That’s the other reason why I freaked out.. I thought I ruined any chance I had at being with you.”

Oh. Did you hear him right? He loves you? He wanted to be with you? Wants to be with you? Romantically? “You don’t have to return my feelings, I just.. Wanted you to know, because it played a big part in why I acted like I did to you. You didn’t deserve to be ignored just because I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings, you know?” Chan elaborates, your silence making him increasingly nervous. God, he hopes you respond soon, even if it's a rejection, because the silence is killing him. 

“You didn’t ruin your chances,” you finally say, a shy smile on your face that instantly fills Chan with relief. He smiles too, and you settle fully back into his embrace, your head against his chest as your arms hold him close. You hear the thumping of his heart, the evidence that his feelings for you are indeed real- that he loves you. Maybe this happiness is more than Chan deserves, and maybe you’ll change your mind about him someday, but for now.. He’s happy, and that’s all he could ever ask for. 

-

Chan spent the rest of the evening glued to your side, the two of you only separating from each other if you had to. You canceled your study session with Changbin for the night as well; way too much happened today for you to be able to even remotely focus on school work. He understood completely though, and was more than relieved that you and Chan were talking again. 

You had dinner together, all of you, and you finally started to feel like your fractured relationships could be pieced back together. There were still lingering questions, a litany of things to still discuss together, but now that you knew you could, there was a sense of calm you felt; like no matter what happened going forward, everything would be okay because you had each other, and neither of you would let that change again. 

Even in a group, your eyes would always unconsciously find their way back to Chan, and he’d smile back at you. Not a big, toothy smile, but a small, soft one- a special one just for you. He loved you, and you felt it; and you knew without a doubt that this is where you belonged. In their group, among the kindest people you’d ever met, with Chan by your side.

When night settled in, he did everything possible to ensure you were comfortable, such as offering you another change of clothes if you wanted it, or to take you home if you’d prefer that. But honestly, you wanted to stay with Chan as long as possible, not just because of your desire to stay at his side, but because of how safe being with him always made you feel. You always felt secure in his presence, like any problem you had just melted away when he was hugging you or holding your hand. And despite the good turn the day had taken, you could definitely still use his comfort. 

“Wait,” you called to him when he was going to turn to leave, his plan the same as the other times you stayed the night; he’d be on the couch, while you took the comfort of his bed. “Did I forget something you need?” Chan asked, quickly surveying the bed; you had plenty of pillows, and you weren’t too in need of blankets given that it was summer now, but he wouldn’t put it outside the realm of possibility to forget something you needed. 

“No, it’s not that,” you say, and you can see the gears turning in his head, mild confusion mixed with concern appearing on his features. “What’s wrong then?” he asks carefully, stepping away from the door and back to you. “I.. want you to stay. Here, with me,” you mutter, shyly looking down at your lap and his face flushes as he tries to blink away the initial shock. “Like.. until you fall asleep, or..?”

“N-No,” you look at him, a bit hesitant to meet his gaze due to your nervousness but doing it anyway, “like.. Sleep with me..?” Fuck. He knows you don’t mean it like that but what the hell, you’re gonna give him a heart attack. “Are you sure? You won’t be uncomfortable?” Another careful step closer, watching you closely for any sign of hesitation, wanting to make 100% sure that you really want him next to you all night. 

You nod, scooting to make space for him so he knows you mean it. He swallows before he crawls in next to you, doing his best to settle in comfortably despite the way his body tenses from laying so close to you. What makes it even worse is that instead of laying with your back facing him like he expected, you’re turned towards him, looking straight at him. He’s never been this close to your face before, and he feels like his heart is going to erupt. 

“Don’t need Wolf Chan?” he asks after you’re settled, noting the fact that you don’t have him in your arms as you normally did when you spent the night. “Not when I have you,” you reply, and thank God he turned off the lights before he got into bed with you, because you definitely would’ve seen the blush on his face burn tenfold. “Chan..” you breathe out, your voice slightly hesitant and tense, and though the room is dark, his eyes have adjusted enough to see you looking at him nervously. 

“Yeah..?” he asks softly, and carefully you reach out to him, your hand lingering on his arm. “I want you to promise.. That you’ll keep trying to get away from the people who have you do bad things, and that you won’t do them anymore once you’re out,” you say, eyes still nervous and desperate to find reassurance. That’s exactly what he planned to keep doing anyway, but hearing you say it just reaffirms his choice- he’ll get out of it no matter what, for your sake. 

“I promise. You’ll be the first to know, I promise,” he affirms, and you finally smile, fully believing in him. “I’ll make a promise too! That once everything is settled, I’ll officially be your girlfriend.” Chan chuckles at your statement, pulling you into a hug as he does. “Wouldn’t have it any other way,” he tells you, smiling at you fondly as he pulls you in closer. “If it’s okay.. Can I kiss you?” he asks softly, and you nod, heart racing in anticipation.

Your first kiss- soft and sweet, his touch light and gentle, your stomach erupting in butterflies. Again, again, and once more, both smiling when you pull back. You’ve never felt so warm, pure elation in your veins as he holds you close. “I love you,” you tell him as you settle your head against his shoulder, closing your eyes and basking in the joy and comfort you feel. “Love you more,” he says, landing a soft kiss on the top of your head, “Goodnight, Y/N, sweet dreams.” 

Was it okay for Chan to be this happy? Was it okay to have the things he dreamed of? Regardless of the answer, he was thankful. There were few things in this world that Chan allowed himself to crave selfishly, you being the most primary desire of them all. Did he deserve you? Maybe not now, but he would someday soon- he’d make sure of that. He’d keep his promises, make sure he became someone worth being around for, someone that you could be proud to say is the person you love.

6 months since the day Chan told you he loved you and made you his girlfriend. Well, maybe not officially one might argue, since he still had a myriad of promises to uphold before then, but as far as Chan is concerned, it counts! And to the credit of his point, you still acted like a couple most of the time, all sweet touches and bashful glances whenever he was near you. Neither of you could help it, really; how do you resist in that scenario? All he ever wanted to do was shower you with affection any chance he got, and why would you deny the opportunity to experience it? 

Chan’s duality also extended towards your romantic relationship, in ways that endlessly endeared and fascinated you. He adapted to the boyfriend role well all things considered, or maybe his kind hearted and compassionate nature made him naturally good at caring for you. He was extremely open with his love for you, full of soft touches and charming words. That was always in private however; when around his friends he was much less.. Sauve, you could say. 

He was shy, simply put; his face and ears burning red whenever you kissed him for all to see, bashful giggles leaving his lips whenever you complimented him or told him you loved him so, so much. You always loved seeing his cute dimples show up whenever he was happy, and knowing you were the person making it happen filled you with more joy than you could express in words. 

But the biggest display of his duality would always come when he felt the need to protect you- all his shyness would melt away, his desire to keep you safe and close much stronger than anything else. Whether it was holding your hand as you walked through crowds of people, directing you away from the edge of the sidewalk when you walked together, or kept an arm snuggly around you when belligerent, overconfident men approached you at a party- he was your protector above all else, and he made that clear to everyone. 

He was perfect in every way, at least to you. It’s not to say that he was suddenly without fault, and he certainly wasn’t absolved of all the wrong he’d committed in his past, but his growth and earnest effort didn’t deserve to go unrecognized. He was the sweetest, kindest person you’d ever known, and every day he showed his resilience and determination to make a better name for himself, and that made him perfect to you. 

Chan worked hard to get away from what kept him connected to the dark underside of the city, and it didn’t come without its sacrifices, but he did his best to make it work and come out of it all ready to wash his hands clean of the past. He made substantially less money for one, but a fair exchange when you consider that the money he made now was through honest means. He agreed to share the burden as well, to accept help and not take on so much responsibility all on his own. 

He was used to taking the brunt of everything, shouldering it all for the sake of everyone else around him. He thought that's what made him useful, what made others want to be around him- what use did he have as a person if he wasn’t providing something for them? Chan was a pillar, one who didn’t want to acknowledge that his foundation was inherently broken and not built on solid enough ground. 

Slowly but surely however, he began to see his worth beyond the material, and stopped seeing his friendships as ones that could easily be stripped away from him by superficial means. It’s not that he thought the people in his life were shallow either, it’s just.. When your self-esteem is so low, and all you’ve ever known is pain and sadness, where the people that were supposed to care for you were either gone or didn’t give a shit, it’s hard to see yourself in the same lens that the people who love you do.

It’s nearly impossible to shake doubt once it has its grip on you, hard to convince yourself people mean it when they say they care when you’ve only ever experienced the opposite. You can’t explain what it’s like to have a brain at war with itself, and he imagines that the only ones who would ever truly understand are the people like him, who have experienced it for themselves and truly know what it means to be lonely. 

But he had come to realize that he wasn’t as alone as he felt; he had countless good people in his life, and all he had to do was open the door and let them in. It wasn’t easy to unlearn all the things Chan had told himself over the years, and there were still many days where he struggled with his self-worth and having compassion for himself, but the people he loved made it worth trying his hardest. 

And you, the person Chan loved most of all, was the catalyst for the change he needed. You pushed him in the right direction, opened his eyes to all the feelings and wants he tried to push away and made him face them head on. He was endlessly grateful to you, and he wanted to show you just how much; which is why now, on your 6 month anniversary (which was actually more like 3, officially speaking), he wanted to do something special. 

But what should he get you? What would be good enough? He knew you’d appreciate the sentiment of his gift more than the price tag of it, but he still felt stuck when considering what would be best for you. He could take you out on a date, but what he really wants is the chance to be alone with you. As much as he loves his brothers, and loves that you’re all friends and get along well, if they interrupt or crash his alone time with you one more time he might burst a blood vessel. 

Theoretically he could do some research and find somewhere for the two of you to be one on one, but his career change didn’t leave him with much of a travel fund (or a gift fund, for that matter.) He could always ask the guys to make themselves vacant for a night, or to just please let him have some alone time with his girlfriend, but God, he could already picture how they’d tease him for asking. Or worse, ask him what his intentions are and make him embarrassed in the process. 

In the end however, Chan swallowed his pride, and asked his brothers kindly but firmly to let him have the house to himself so he could spend his 6 month anniversary alone with you. He did get some teasing and embarrassing questions, but overall not as bad as what he anticipated, thankfully. Did he want to have sex with you? Yes, obviously. Was that the reason he was doing this? Absolutely not. 

That’s not to say he wouldn’t welcome it if it happened of course, but it was in no way his sole motivation. He hadn’t done that with you yet, and though he wanted to, he was in no way going to rush you into it. Sure, it drove him a little crazy every time you stayed the night and he had you pressed up against him, but he was a gentleman above all else. He had self control.

What he didn’t know though, is that you were also being driven a little crazy by him. The first time he called you “baby”, your stomach did full on somersaults, and if he called you that before he kissed you? Your heart went absolutely crazy! Then, the first time he removed his shirt to sleep you nearly had a heart attack. You’re guessing he usually slept that way but kept a shirt on when you were spending the night, but now that you were a couple, he didn’t have to. 

He was so toned, and well, you figured he was from how strong he appeared to be, but actually seeing it with your own eyes made your heart race unbelievably fast. And then, one night when you were lying in his bed together, your back pressed against him as you watched a movie on his laptop, and he leaned forward to kiss you, but the kiss landed on your neck- it was over for you. 

You bit your lip to stop yourself from making an embarrassing sound, face flushing and growing hot. And lately, you came to realize more and more how bad you wanted Chan more intimately. Every time his hand lingered on your waist, every time you felt his body pressed to yours when you hugged, every time you were laying together and he had his arm wrapped around you- you wanted him. 

But how do you go about admitting that? You’d never done this sort of thing before, nor had you been faced with such a strong desire to be intimate with someone before being with Chan. But now, that it was your 6-more-like-3 month anniversary, you thought maybe now might be the right time to talk about it. It might be difficult to do so without getting shy or embarrassed but you definitely wanted to, and to find out if he ever thought about you in the same way.

Much to Chan’s delight and relief, you didn’t seem at all upset that his plans with you involved having a date at home. His gift to you was a cute, new wolf plush, that while certainly was no Wolf Chan, he hoped would comfort you when you weren’t with him. You loved it, instantly hugging him and promising that you’d sleep with Wolf Chan Jr. (as you promptly named it) every night that you weren’t with Chan. 

He put on a movie that you’d once said was a favorite of yours but that he had never seen, and it warmed your heart that he remembered and wanted to watch it with you. He ordered your favorite take out meal, spent the entire evening cuddled close to you and sweetly reminding you how much he loved you. When night settled in and you began to grow tired, you changed into your pajamas separately before you went to his room.

“Chan.. can I ask you something?” He sat up a bit upon hearing you, finding your eyes in the darkness to give you his full attention. “Of course, what is it?” He asks and you swallow, taking a moment to steady your voice before you come right out with it. “Do you ever.. think about having sex with me?” Holy fuck. That is the last thing he was expecting to hear. “W-What? I-I-, well-” he sputters nervously, his face growing hot within seconds. “I-I just.. I have so.. I thought I’d ask..?” You mutter shyly, hoping you won’t be faced with a mortifying rejection. 

Oh no. That admission makes his brain short circuit for a moment, mind reeling as he processes what you’ve just said. You’ve thought about it? With him? You want to… with him? “O-Of course I have, I just didn’t know if you wanted to, a-and I didn’t want you to feel pressured if I instigated so..” he trails off, hoping that he didn’t unintentionally make you feel undesired by holding off on touching you more intimately. 

Relief rushes through you, happy to be reminded what a gentleman your boyfriend is and to know that he wants you too. “I-In that case.. do you want to tonight?” you ask, and you feel him suck in a breath before he answers. “Yeah, I want to,” he says, shy but honest as he seeks out your hand, “as long as you’re sure you’re ready.” “I’m sure, I really want to,” you tell him, squeezing his hand and offering him a smile. 

Chan gets up from the bed to turn on some dim mood lighting, because he definitely doesn’t want his first time with you to be in complete darkness- he needs to see you. You sit up, watching him in nervous excitement before he sits next to you. “I’ll.. I’ll take care of you so.. Just let me know if I’m going too fast or you need to stop, okay?” he asks and you assure him that the minute you feel even slightly uncomfortable, you’ll let him know. He smiles, a shy and cute one, guiding you to turn so both of your bodies are facing each other before he lets you know, “I’m going to kiss you now.” 

His hand rests just below your ear, fingers on your neck and his thumb tracing circles on your cheek as he leans in to kiss you. The kiss is slow- much slower than all the others you’ve shared with him until now. It’s.. sensual, each kiss soft and languid, pulling away for only a second before he connects his lips with yours again. You can feel the butterflies flutter in your stomach as he deepens the kiss, his other hand carefully landing on your waist. 

Your hands sit awkwardly in your lap at first, not quite sure what you should do with them and what’s okay, but to your surprise, the more Chan kisses you, the more you find yourself naturally following his lead, as if this isn’t something entirely new to you. He tilts you back, carefully guiding your back to the bed, his body finding its place between your legs. 

You bring your arms around his neck, urging him to press his body closer to yours and leave no free space between you. You want him as close as possible, to feel his weight on you, to be enveloped by him and feel him all over. You’re so responsive to his touch that it drives Chan crazy with want; the way your body shivers when he runs his hand down your waist to your hip, the way goosebumps rises on your skin when his fingers linger near your waistband, the way your mouth opens for him when he licks your bottom lip- he loves it all. 

A soft sound escapes your throat when he lets his tongue in your mouth, your arms moving from around his neck to let your hands explore his body, running down his chest and feeling his abs under your fingertips. Feeling his tongue circle around yours, his breath being shared with you and yours with him, it’s enough to make you dizzy already; you’ve never felt a desire like this before, this overwhelming want to have his hands explore every inch of your skin. 

When he pulls away from the kiss, wow, he’s breathless just from the sight of you. Your lips red and glossy, your eyes hazy with need, your hair having fallen around you like a halo; his angel- you’re forever his angel. Chan caresses your lip with his thumb, wanting to stare at you for just a moment longer before he diverts his attention elsewhere. He smiles when you kiss his thumb, finding the action cute (and hot if he’s being honest, but he’ll explore that thought later.)

He lowers his head back down to you, giving you one more kiss before he leans towards your neck, kissing just under your ear before trailing hot, open mouthed kisses slowly down the expanse of your jaw and to your neck. Some of them tickle, making you giggle softly in response, but he knows he’s found the right spot when instead of giggling, you gasp, eyes fluttering closed as you tilt your head to the side, allowing him to have more access to your sweet spot. 

You can feel him smile against your skin before he resumes his wet kisses and licks, latching his mouth to the spot that makes you react the most and sucking gently. The noises that leave you are intoxicating and addictive, soft breathy little moans that almost get completely drowned out by the sound his kisses leave on your dampening skin. His hands travel to the hem of your shirt, and he separates from your neck, looking at you for any sign that you want him to stop before he begins to pull it up. 

You look shy, maybe a little nervous, but not at all hesitant or scared of his touch. You welcome it, letting him strip you of your top and toss it to the floor. You’re not wearing a bra, you never do when you go to bed, and while Chan suspected that to be the case, he never asked or commented on it, because admitting that he noticed a difference would also mean admitting that he’d look at your chest. But now, he'll be able to do so freely, to stare at you openly (and hopefully not be too embarrassed about it.)

The way he stares in awe of you makes you blush, and when he calls you beautiful on top of it, you almost want to cover your face from how shy you feel. He can’t compliment you while you’re exposed to him like this, you don’t think your heart can take it. Your reaction makes him smile, but he hopes you know that he means it; Chan isn’t saying you're beautiful just to say it, you truly are- the most beautiful person he’s ever met, both body and soul. 

“Is this okay?” he asks, hands lingering patiently near your breasts, not wanting to touch them until you give him clearly spoken permission. You nod, but he still hesitates until you say it, which you simultaneously appreciate but feel extremely embarrassed from. Chan rewards you with a kiss, another long one meant to ease away the embarrassment and put your focus entirely on enjoying the moment. 

Your breath hitches when he finally touches your breasts, your body quivering when his calloused thumbs brush over your nipples. He lingers on every kiss so sweetly, every touch of your body slow and careful, not just for your comfort but also to commit it to memory, to ensure that he always remembers what his first time with you was like. He kisses down your neck again, and you watch with bated breath as he draws closer to your chest. 

Chan takes his time fondling your breasts as he covers them in kisses, squeezing gently and listening intently to all the sounds he draws from you. He takes one of your nipples into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it and spending some time softly sucking before giving the other an equal amount of attention. The more attention he showers your breasts with, the wetter you become, your panties becoming increasingly drenched with your arousal. 

If he wasn’t between your legs, you’d be pressing them together in a desperate attempt to gain some relief, your pussy aching to be touched but at the same time wanting to let Chan take his time making you feel good. He doesn’t separate from your chest until he’s satisfied, starting to trail kisses down your stomach, stopping to look up at you once he’s at the waistband of your shorts. “Still okay?” he asks and you nod (perhaps a bit too eagerly), lifting your hips up so he can easily pull your clothes down your legs. 

He hooks his fingers into your shorts and panties, hands slightly trembling as he pulls them down your thighs and then off your legs, discarding them off to the floor with your top. Now that he sees you fully exposed to him, Chan feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest, his cock unceremoniously twitching as he stares at your body. You can see how hard it’s grown from beneath his sweatpants, and God, you can already tell it’s big. 

You sit up, this time being the one to initiate a kiss as you tug at Chan’s sweatpants, not so subtly asking him to help you take them off. It’s his turn to feel shy, face starting to burn to the tips of his ears as he separates from you to remove them more easily. The way you attentively watch him certainly doesn’t help, nor the way you overtly stare at his cock when it’s freed from his clothing. 

You look back to his face, and though he’s feeling shy, he offers you a smile, one that you return just as timidly. Another kiss before you lay back again, your heart racing as you watch him resume his earlier path, placing kisses to the soft expanse of your skin. From your cute tummy down to your thighs, it’s driving you crazy how close his face has gotten to your core without having given it any attention yet. 

He carefully spreads your legs further apart, swallowing when your pussy comes entirely into his view. So cute and dripping wet, all for him, because of him- God, you’re perfect. As he’s done with every inch of your body up to this point, his first course of action is to kiss. Your hips jolt when he kisses your clit, and when he flattens his tongue and licks, oh, you’re in heaven. 

You’ve never felt anything as good as this, your entire body shuddering as you sink your teeth into your bottom lip. The slow pace he starts with drives you wild, taking his time familiarizing himself with the way you taste, the motions you like, and indulging in the pretty sound of your whimpers and moans. Chan picks up the pace exponentially, alternating from pushing his tongue as deep into your hole as it can go and then back to your clit.

He uses his hands to keep your legs spread, can feel the way they tremble and twitch as your orgasm grows closer. Your hands clutch at his bedsheet, desperate mewls growing in volume as the knot in your stomach builds. He diverts all of his attention to your clit, keeping his pace steady as he squeezes your thighs in his hands, his eyes closed as he focuses entirely on getting you to cum all over his tongue. 

He can’t help but groan when your hands move to his head, your fingers tangling in his hair and tugging just enough to cause a slight sting. “C-Close, so close-” you warn and he hums, ready and eager to taste your release. You cum with a choked cry, your entire body trembling as the blinding white pleasure courses through your veins. Your heart pounds, chest heaving as you try to collect your breath, mind hazy from your post-orgasm bliss. 

You don’t even register that Chan has moved from his spot between your legs until he kisses you, tasting yourself on his tongue bringing you back to reality. Seeing you like this not only fills Chan with an insane amount of want, but also with pride, knowing that he’s the reason you’re in this state. “Baby,” he calls to you, urging you to look at him. His face flushes when you do, cause fuck, you’re so pretty like this, but no use getting shy again now.

“I– I want to get you ready to take me, i-is that okay?” Chan hates that he stutters a bit while asking, but he can’t help it when he’s this worked up and you’re laying there looking pretty beyond words. “Y-Yeah, please,” you practically beg, and fuck, he’s weak for that. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to resist giving you whatever you want if you make begging like that a habit of yours. 

He carefully moves from between your legs to be next to you, kissing you sweetly as he rubs his fingers between your folds. You can feel his erection pressing against your thigh, hard and leaking, his pre-cum smearing on the skin it touches. “C-Channie-” you call and he immediately comes to stop, looking at you in concern. “What’s wrong, angel? Change your mind?” he asks, brows furrowing in worry. 

You quickly shake your head, trying to dispel any concern before you speak up again, “I want- Can I touch you too?” You can feel his cock twitch from your question, his face flaring and ears burning. “Y-Yeah, of course,” he says, adjusting his position enough for his cock to be within reach of your hand. He can’t help but shudder and gasp when you bring your fingers to his flushed tip, coating your fingers in pre-cum and spreading it down the length of his shaft. 

Your hand is so much softer than his, so warm, and fingers barely able to wrap fully around due to how thick he is. He can’t help but get lost in watching for a moment, eyes transfixed on the way your hand slowly moves up and down. You look at Chan, watching the way his expression changes as he bites his lip- how does he look so gorgeous and sexy at once? 

Regaining his focus, he prods at your hole with his fingers before he slips the middle one inside. God, you’re so warm and wet and tight, that the thought alone of being inside you is enough to make Chan want to cum. He can’t wait to fuck you, to feel you squeezing him and to find out what noises you’ll make when his cock is touching the deepest parts of you. 

But first, he needs to prep you well- so he starts by moving his finger in and out slowly and carefully until he’s sure you can take another. You whimper when he adds a second finger, your motions on his cock stopping for just a moment as you adjust to the new sensation you’re feeling. His fingers are much longer and thicker than your own, and it sends ripples of pleasure throughout your body with every move they make. 

You match the pace of your hand with that of his fingers, mirroring the slow movements, but adding pressure by squeezing your hand around him. When he picks up his pace, you do as well, and your stomach flips when he curses under his breath and groans. You’re mesmerized when his head falls back for a moment, his breathing becoming heavier and his stomach and thighs flexing from the pleasure he feels. But when his fingers curl, your concentration breaks, the spot he touches making you see stars as loud a moan falls from your lips. 

It feels so good you almost can’t breathe, head falling back against the pillows and your eyes rolling back as he prods it over and over again. Your pace on his cock loses its rhythm, trying your best to keep steady through the immense pleasure you feel but failing at the task miserably. Chan doesn’t mind in the slightest- in fact, he welcomes it, because he doesn’t want to cum before he's had the chance to be inside you.

He brings his thumb to your clit, applying pressure as he draws circles over it, and that’s enough to make you entirely crumble. “Oh my god-” you gasp, your hand falling away from his cock as you succumb to what he gives you. You’re cumming before you can even really process it, tears pricking the corners of your eyes as your body trembles. He doesn’t stop until he’s sure you’ve come down from the high, carefully sliding his fingers out of you and licking them clean. 

Your eyes are closed, breath shaky as your heart pounds, and you feel so good. Chan carefully pushes the hair stuck on your face with sweat away, and you smile at him when you open your eyes. “Felt good, huh?” he asks with a shy smile of his own, “Do you still want to keep going? Not too tired?” “Wanna keep going, wanna feel you inside me,” you answer, and you can feel him twitch against your thigh again, evidently excited by your words. 

He stands from the bed to rifle through his nightstand, pulling a condom from the drawer as you settle comfortably in the middle of the bed. Chan takes his place between your legs, and you watch as he opens the package and rolls the condom on with no trouble (despite how much his hands are trembling from the anticipation.) He takes his cock in his hand, lining himself up with your entrance and then looking back to your face. 

“You’re still sure?” he asks, and you nod without hesitation. “Mhm, I love you so much Channie, wanna do this with you and only you,” you assure him, and wow, does that make him positively melt. “Such an angel,” he tells you before he kisses you, happy beyond words, “my angel.” He slides inside with relative ease given how slick you are, the only resistance he meets being from how tight you still are even after having gotten his fingers. 

He watches you the entire time, stopping when he notices you wince, and only resuming his slow push when your body starts to release its tension. Chan kisses you, holds your hand and lets you squeeze as hard you need, not moving a single inch until you’re ready for it. To your surprise, it doesn’t take all that long for you to adjust to the stretch, and soon enough you find yourself eager for stimulation. 

You don’t verbally say it, but Chan can tell you’re ready by the pleasured whimper that pours into your kiss when you feel him twitch inside, and how you unconsciously move your hips to try and seek the friction you crave. He starts slow, for his sake as much as yours, because he’ll cum much sooner than he wishes to otherwise. He’s still kissing you, swallowing your soft moans and letting you consume his low groans. It takes him a moment to find your spot with just his cock, but he can tell he’s got it when you loudly gasp and clench tightly around him. 

He moves his hands to your hips and then to your legs, holding them in his hands and using them for leverage when he starts to pick up his pace. Your hands are on his face, holding him close as you continue to kiss and muffle each other’s noises that are beginning to grow in volume. You’re glad Chan asked the guys to leave for the night, because with how good it feels you couldn’t possibly keep your voice down even if you wanted to. 

“Fuck, baby, feel so good, ‘m gonna cum,” Chan tells you between breathy groans and your stomach flips, eager to find out what he looks and sounds like when he’s cumming inside you. He brings two fingers to your clit, rubbing in quick circles to ensure you cum again too and that he doesn’t leave you wanting. You whine, sensitive from all the attention you’ve received but still feeling way too good to ask him to stop. 

“Cum again for me, please angel, need you to so bad, please-” Oh, that really does it for you. You cum hard, making a mess of his fingers as you do, clutching tightly to his arms as your head falls back. Chan’s high follows close behind, his thrusts turning sloppy as he chases it, his cum spurting into the condom in quick bursts. The two of you stay like that for a time, breathing heavily as you come down from your highs together. 

Chan pulls out slowly once he’s caught his breath, quickly removing the condom and trying it off, disposing of it in the trash can at the foot of his bed before he lays down next to you. You immediately turn towards him, wrapping your arm around him and pulling him into a hug. “We should get cleaned up but.. Wanna cuddle first,” you say and Chan smiles, always finding it so cute when you’re clingy towards him, and even more so now after an intimate moment. 

He rubs soothing circles on your back and kisses the top of your head, watching you fondly as you yawn and snuggle as close to him as you can. “Baby, you’re gonna fall asleep if we stay like this too long. Let’s get you cleaned up before you get too cozy, yeah?” Chan reasons and you pout, knowing he’s right but not wanting to leave the comfortable, blissful place you’re in. He chuckles when you look at him with that pout, so adorable and cute in his eyes. 

“C’mon, won’t take long. And we’ll go straight to bed as soon as we’re done, promise,” he tries again and you reluctantly agree, begrudgingly tearing yourself away from your boyfriend's warm embrace. Your legs are a bit wobbly after your endeavors so Chan helps you stabilize yourself, walks you to the bathroom and helps you in the shower, takes his time to dry you off well and get you dressed in fresh clothes, and helps you back into bed.

You yawn and snuggle into Chan as soon he’s settled next to you, eyes heavy and body beyond exhausted. You’re a little sore, but so happy, and Chan took such good care of you that you feel relaxed despite it. He holds you close, whispering a soft ‘I love you’, smiling when you sleepily mumble it back. He’s so lucky to have you, so blessed to have you here in his arms, loving him in both his good moments and his bad, never giving up on him even when you likely should have. 

You saw how flawed of a person he was and loved him regardless, knew of his mistakes and regrets and supported him anyway, encouraging him every step of the way on his road to change. There were so many times he felt he didn’t deserve the love and compassion he received, so many times he felt worthless and miserable, and you graciously helped him to see that he was a person worth more than he gave himself credit for. 

It was still hard at times to have love and compassion for himself, to extend himself the care he freely offered to others, to believe it’s what he deserved, but he’d never stop trying. Until the day came where he could confidently say he loves himself, that he believes in his heart that he’s not someone worthless, he’ll keep trying. And you’ll be there, holding his hand, giving him the safe space he needs to cry and to feel, your unconditional love giving him the reassurance and hope he needs to live a life he can be proud of- a life he promises to always share with you.

#skz x reader #bang chan x reader #skz smut #bang chan smut #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz fluff #skz angst #literally posting this after 4am fdsgsdfg GOOD NIGHT #mdni + divider graphic credit: @cafekitsune

[crisiscutie]

Dissidia Darling's Disaster Dates! Round 1: Sephiroth

In celebration of Rebirth's upcoming release, my blog's anniversary and the sad demise of Opera Omnia, I might just do a mini-dating series, set at the Gold Saucer. Let's see how it goes. Enjoy this scenario! Features slight Aerith/Darling.

Content Warning: Slightly NSFW. Yandere/toxic relationship. Blood. Some physical abuse. Emotional abuse and manipulation. Skinshipping. Lots of dialogue. Darling's POV is trippy and unreliable.

You looked around with worry, desperately searching for any sign of your allies. Somehow, you had become separated from Kadaj, Aerith and the others while exploring a haunted mansion. You looked all over this damn amusement park searching for them, but with no luck so far. Why the hell is everything so eerily quiet now? Everywhere you went, there didn't seem to be signs of life. But all the bright lights and machinery operated as normal, oddly enough. The round square is one of the last places you haven't checked, so you went there to see if they're around.

But the longer you walked, the hazier your vision became and your kimono felt constricted, causing you to readjust your obi. Maybe it's just your anxiety making you feel that way. But you hated being alone. You just need something, someone, to keep you from going mad. You didn't even notice a black feather landing on top of your head as you approached a gondola ride. Maybe this will lead you to the others? The reason you all came to this world was to hunt for crystals, but Aerith came up with the idea for everyone to take a break and enjoy themselves, which is why you opted to dress up. Kadaj and the others must be worried sick about you. You hoped that no monsters or summons had caused any trouble in your absence.

"...Are you lost?" a deep voice purred from behind you. Coming to a sudden stop, you turned hesitantly to face Sephiroth. His gaze was so intense that it practically rooted you to the earth, and your vision became clouded by a pink-purplish tint, blurring everything but him. The man who rescued when you first arrived in this universe, the one who masqueraded as your jaded, but caring mentor. He had treated you so well. But now, you knew the truth about him - he had used you for his own gain. What could he possibly offer you now that you knew his true nature? Yet, you're alone, with no one else by your side. The void was becoming unbearable. But the simple act of him offering his hand shattered your psychosis, bringing you back to reality. You couldn't resist the impulse to take his hand now, though it was against your judgment. When you took the final step into the gondola, your body stiffened, causing you to stumble and lose your balance, but Sephiroth acted swiftly. He caught you, wrapping his hand around your waist.

He pulled you close to him and your hands gravitated towards his chest as he leaned down to your level. And without warning, his luscious lips inched dangerously close to yours, making you gasped. He smirked, savoring the way you reacted and how you shifted uncomfortably. Then, he moved his lips to your ear, almost brushing against it, and spoke in a soft whisper.

"You know, you could thank me for catching you." He chuckled when you quickly took a step back, too flustered to respond. Though, he still kept his hold on your waist. With a heartfelt sigh, he reached out and took hold of your hand. His lips hovered above it as if he were about to kiss it, but instead, he lovingly nuzzled it against his cheek and closed his eyes. Your touch alone sent shocks of euphoria to his cold heart. Slowly, he guided your hand down his neck, collarbone, and chest, while wearing a euphoric smile that seared itself into your consciousness.

"I've missed you..." He then sat down on the seat, pulling you into his lap soon after. He gave your neck a small kiss before locking his slit eyes onto you. Even with all that transpired, every fiber of your being craved him. You wanted him to keep holding you, touching you, worshipping you. This had to be the reunion instincts Cloud and Vincent warned you about, it's a mix of unsettling rightness and wrongness that erupted goosebumps all over your body.

"Have you been keeping up with your sparring?" he asked, adopting the caring tone of a father checking on their child. You shyly mumbled a "yes," which earned you another sweet neck kiss from him.

"Good girl..."

"Why did you lie to me, Sephiroth?" you huffed out, as you tried to resist the reunion and the euphoria building up within you. Your face grew hot, and beads of sweat trickled down your forehead.

"I never lied to you, my darling. In fact, I played my role well. Guiding you in this realm was my duty. I was always there for you. And let's not forget, it was you who offered to help summon 'Mother' for me." As these words sunk in, your heart dropped.

"I... did.. But-"

"and you had to know that she didn't have a physical form," he interrupted you, still nuzzling into your neck. He had you cornered. What he said was certainly true, but there had to be some lie in there. Like the others told you, he's always lying... Right!?

"I NEVER AGREED TO BE ITS VESSEL!" you shouted, a surge of strength and anger flowed through you in that fleeting moment. In response, he erupted into a series of dark, eerie chuckles like a deranged maniac, almost as if he was emulating someone.

"Foolish girl," he hissed, his voice cutting through the gondola, making you feel like an unruly child being scolded. How else could she come into this realm without a beacon? You're the one who called her, so it's fitting she chose you. It is my duty to see this through, as her chosen son." His lips curled into a sneer as the horror and self-doubt washed over you like a wave. You had gotten yourself into this situation, but now you didn't know how to deal with it or even put an end to it. Your arms instinctively wrapped around his neck, drawing him nearer to you. The expression on his face suddenly shifted from sadistic and smug to... almost comforting and warm?

"I know you're scared, darling," his voice was smooth and reassuring, almost hypnotic. "But I'm here for you, and we're in this together. Remember the good times we had? Do you really want to throw all of that away? We could rule this world, the entire cosmos, if you'd only come back to me." He finished his speech with a relaxed sigh. In one swift movement, he tore your kimono open, exposing your soft skin to the cool air. He then pressed his cheek against your upper chest, causing a sigh of pure bliss to escape your lips. He gave your collarbone a firm nip and left his mark, his slit eyes glowering at your belly with a solemn look when he's done.

"You are carrying our future within you," he whispered. "And soon, it will be born."

Afterwards, a blissful silence enveloped the gondola, as both of you became completely engrossed in each other's presence. You two just wanted to keep holding each other for eternity. Your trance started to end when you heard the familiar voice of Aerith calling out to you. You muttered her name in return and glanced out of the gondola's window to see her and the rest of the group waiting for you two at the final stop, weapons drawn and prepared.

"It seems like our time together has come to a close," he whispered, hissing softly in your ear. Your heart raced, and your vision blurred, focused on his alternating expressions, a sinister smirk, and a euphoric smile. His slit eyes widened, and his pupils dilated, fixated solely on you. As soon as you blinked, his Masamune blade was pressed against your neck, its icy touch leaving you paralyzed with fear. "If I take your head, darling, I can keep better track of you. No one will ever separate us." His velvety voice betrayed a glimmer of giddiness, revealing cracks in his composed demeanor.

"No! Don't do this! Nothing will come out of it!" you exclaimed. His blade barely moved, and already a small trickle of blood ran down your neck. You closed your eyes, hoping this nightmare would end soon.

"Nonsense, it will work just like last time, Mother," he whispered, his thumb gently caressing your left cheek. He slightly moved the blade again, the flow of blood increased. But then, his Masamune vanished, and he pressed his forehead against yours.

"The manifestation is not yet complete. Go on, my darling, continue filling your hollow heart with despair so that we may achieve the reunion we seek." After those words, he carefully and tenderly positioned your weakening body onto the seat, like a precious doll being prepared for exhibition. He kissed your foreheadbefore disappearing, leaving his dark feathers scattered around you. Your vision was clouded by that same pink-purplish tint from before as your body went completely limp, just as the gondola ride came to a hard stop.

The others were geared and ready for a fight when the gondola's doors automatically opened, but they were surprised to see Sephiroth gone already. Aerith was the first to rush inside, making a beeline for you. As she examined your body for injuries, she noticed something peculiar when she looked into your dull eyes - a brief, faint pink glow. Her gasp was followed by her gaze drifting downward, where she spotted a strange dark feather resting on your swollen collarbone, covering Sephiroth's lovebite. With a grimace, she gently removed the feather, watching it disintegrate in her hand. It was undoubtedly his twisted way of asserting ownership over you, a taunt to her and the others about your impending "destiny". Despite her efforts to lift you to your feet, your body remained dead weight, making it impossible to get you up.

"Zack, I need your help!" she yelled. He nodded, quickly rushing over and utilizing his SOLDIER strength to carry you out of the gondola.

Your last thought before fully losing consciousness in Zack's arms was whether there was time to enjoy the fun night with other dates. Got those priorities straight, don't you darling?

Date rating: 2/10.

Sephy tried, but he just couldn't help himself after being separated from darling for far too long. 😔 As I said, I might make a mini-dating series with other FF characters.

#sephiroth #final fantasy 7 #ff7 sephiroth #ff7 #sephiroth x reader #doll darling #final fantasy x reader #yandere sephiroth #dissidia final fantasy #dissidia final fantasy opera omnia #aerith x reader #one winged masquerade AU #aerith gainsborough #aerith gainsborough x reader #yandere x you #yandere x reader #x reader #female reader #fem reader #reader x character #final fantasy vii #yandere x y/n #yandere x darling #yandere imagine #tw: emotional abuse #tw: abuse #tw: yandere #tw: blood #tw: violence #yandere fanfiction

[teyamwa]

 ⠀⠀⠀⠀🏹⠀⠀@teyamwa⠀  ──⠀(⠀avatar )

full of avatar fanfics (re-blogs) ! credits are given

note: this master list updates from time to time

these are the fics that I recommend (it's all good) 🫶 | authors will be tagged so if you don't want to get tagged again please tell me!

★ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎SULLY FAMILY ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎☆ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎platonic

l'appel du Vide by @neytiriswife

summary- You feel the urge to engage in destructive behaviors just to feel alive and your family wants to get to the bottom.

warnings- self destructive thoughts/actions, getting slapped, biting someone's ear off, hateful thoughts, description of self harm, self harm, blood/bleeding, crying

you're dead to me by @chaethewriter

warning: english isn't my first language, angst, fluff, barely proofread, kinda rushed, prologue type of part.

In which Jake Sully leaves his life on earth to settle down with the Omatikaya people as Toruk Makto. Having a family that consists of four kids with Neytiri, everything seems to work out just fine, but what if the past comes back for him? And his babygirl is right there in front of him?

tame impala series by @lvrcpid

general includes/warnings : reader is gender neutral. this au is really angsty but it has a good ending i promise. the chapters are based off of tame impala songs. the first two chapters aren’t even really chapters cause i didn’t expect to make this a series.

you’re the oldest sully child. only born a year before neteyam. everything was sweet until your siblings came along. your parents slowly forgot you, soon your siblings did too. you were the forgotten sully. but what happens when you’re given another chance at life after your death.

too late by @iikatsukii

synopsis: they loved you when it was too late. 

warnings: mentions of death, attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts(?), swearing, familial issues. 

change is scary by @stomach-bugg09

summary: [y/n] sully is in love, and everyone is scared.

warnings: literally none, maybe some language, a bit of angst at first ( just sad — i made myself very unhappy ), emotionally hurt + comfort, a sickening amount of fluff, really long, [y/n] x oc but this oc is actually such a sweetie pie i love him, [y/n] being the cutest little patootie of all time

one last promise by @eywahasheardyou

content warning; — angst, mentions of death?

★ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎JAKE SULLY

jake sully x female! reader by @tojixz

warnings: No y/n? vomiting, pregnancy problems, fluffy!! I don't know how to mark

summary: jake sully x female!reader, where the reader is in Neytiri's shoes (that hurts me) and is currently pregnant with Tuk and with pregnancy comes her stages. Just Jake and his family taking care of mommy!

dilf jake who's obsessed with human! reader by @tojigasm

dilf!Jake who's obsessed with you from the second you show up with Norm's group of scientists from the lab; a daughter of one of the lab members.

dilf jake x reader by @tojigasm

It's when you confess. When you pour your heart and soul into sobs and tears that seem to swallow you whole as he holds you.

folklore by @theseuscmander

warnings: no use of y/n, angst, a marriage of convenience, jake being mean? but he is a grieving boy! mentions death

synopsis: widowed jake sully tries his hardest to heal from the loss of neytiri and you’re there to pick up the pieces and mend him back together, even if neither of you wanted to or realized.

i knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss by theseuscmander

summary: in which jake would haunt all your what ifs, angst, sad! not a folklore drabble

★ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎NETEYAM SULLY

special friends by @justasimps-blog

warnings: explicit smut, super heavy corruption kink, innocent / virgin reader, secret crush, slight age difference but both are adults, childhood friendship, hand job, masturbation, praise kink, he calls reader 'peach' a lot

summary: neteyam was so used to being the golden child of his family, always doing as he’s told… he wanted to be bad sometimes too. He wanted to be the one that would teach you all these filthy things. All the things you were never allowed to do, talk or even think about.

kitty, kitty by @loose-angel

neteyam x human! reader

obsessed with you by @astrxq

where neteyam is obsessed with you

warm hands by @loaksky

the lowdown — the one where neteyam is shackled by appearances, but you couldn’t care less. 

the tags & warnings — language,, misunderstandings, neteyam’s friends can be shitty, but mean well ,, reader just wants to love up on her boy :(

stupid by @justmywriting1313

synopsis: “Fuck Yawne I am sorry... shit sweetheart please, please, please look at me... Y/N I swear I didn’t mean to–” or where you were reckless with your actions and Neteyam with his words

be mine by @randxmthxughts

warnings: none really, pure fluff, fake dating trope, jealousy, loak x tsireya canon, events take place five years after the battle between the metkayina and the sky people, so aged up characters

summary: the one, where neteyam pretends to court the reader to avoid all of the nagging from his parents and a group of admirers. of course, it doesn’t take long for her to fall for him too

neteyam sully masterlist [more story are there]

★ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎LO'AK SULLY

here with me by @lvrcpid

includes : nothing just dad! lo’ak telling his children about their uncle neteyam.

best friend! lo'ak by @lola-bunn1

you and Lo'ak have been best friends for the longest time, you did everything together. You grew up together and never left each other's side.

meet cute by @odysirena

“you make it a habit to look at everyone?” You ask him playfully. 

he furrows the ink above his eyes in thought, “No, not really,” he smiles at you, “You would definitely catch my eye though.”

★ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎TONOWARI

tonowari praising you by @tarrynightss

smut, fem!reader

soft dom! Tonowari headcanons by @alien-magnolia

tw: 18+ minors DNI, size kink, bj, major daddy kink, slight breeding kink, (hyperfem!clueless!sub reader x daddy!tonowari )

★ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎AO'NUNG

listen by @ohdeersthings

summary: ao'nung has loved you since childhood.

warning: fluff, ao'nung is a jerk to everyone but reader, some angst (I love emotional revelation of feelings), characters are aged up 18+ but no warnings here! Ronal ships reader and Ao'nung.

the weight of your words by @adrunkskeletonsduck

warnings: body shaming, mentions of having body image issues

★ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎TSU'TEY

way of the heart by @lovebeinaprincessworld

warnings: smut, fingering, oral (f! receiving), p in v, breeding kink

description: being Jake Sullys sister always came with consequences, mating with a tall, blue Na’vi warrior was one of the more unexpected ones.

to lose you by @neteyamslovrr

summary: tsu'tey had lost everyone he had ever loved. fearful of loving you to lose you, he pushes those feelings down just for you to dig them back up

★ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎MASTERLIST

avatar masterlist by @justasimps-blog

all of their stories are explicit — minors dni

all characters that you‘ll find here are either already of age or aged up. If that makes you uncomfortable please just leave or block me.

avatar masterlist by @neteyamslovrr

all fem! reader

avatar masterlist by @theseuscmander

content warning; — not really none but it's a lot so hehe

#avatar smut #avatar the way of water #yandere avatar #avatar x reader #avatar #atwow angst #atwow x you #jake sully smut #jake sully #neytiri #neteyam smut #neteyam sully x reader #yandere neteyam #loak x you #loak x reader #aonung #tw dark content #cw yandere #neteyam x reader #neteyam #yandere x reader #masterlist #avatar masterlist #jake avatar #neteyam avatar #kiri avatar #xreader smut #Masterlist !

[jasntodds]

Caving In [12]

Pairing: Gar Logan x Fem!Powered!Reader, Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader

Words: 10,267

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, angst, hurt/comfort, blood, lots of feelings of guilt amongst Jason, Reader, and Gar, I’m asking you all to have faith in me for a minute lmao, Jason Todd is sad™️, there’s an author’s note at the very end with who the endgame is if you’re curious lol

Summary: ❝Tell me Atlas: What is heavier, The world or its people’s hearts?❞ You never expected your life to end up this way, turned upside down by an infamous Gotham villain. It’s been a living hell, every single day, until Dick Grayson brings you to Titans tower where you meet Gar Logan and Jason Todd.

A/N: Look, I love this chapter. I’ve had it picking at my brain since I started writing this. I love a vulnerable Jason Todd idk lol I am easily motivated to post more often when I get feedback 😂 You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary​ and turn on notifications if you prefer that!!

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

You hear Jason scream and your entire world crumbles in that instant. Kory rushes over to you, and you almost don’t notice her. The breath is gone from your lungs and a lump forms instantly your throat. Your arms go weak and you swear the only reason you don’t slip is because your hands are impaled. Kory grabs you though, and pulls you into the window, Dick sliding over to help. You sit for a second, letting your hands bleed onto the ground under you as your legs are bent and pulled up to your chest.

You failed.

“Come on.” Dick is kneeling in front of you, a hand on your elbow to help you up. “We gotta go.”

“I-I-I-I-” You choke on a whine, tears brimming your eyes. “I couldn’t…I couldn’t save him.” You lock eyes with Dick and his heart is broken for you but Jason’s alive.

“Someone caught him.” Dick’s words are slow and you think he’s lying. Jason is human and couldn't survive a fifteen story fall.

“None of the Titans can fly.” Your voice is a broken whisper.

“Wasn’t a Titan.” Dick adds. “Come on.” He grabs one of your elbows while Kory grabs the other one to help you up. “We have to get out of here.” Dick pulls you with him, he’s worried maybe you won’t follow him if he’s not dragging you along.

The three of you, quickly, make your way through the building. You still think Dick is lying because you understand you need to leave because Dick and Kory didn’t take down Deathstroke. He escaped and he’s out there. There’s no way he’s just done. Not with Rose still at the tower. You think Dick is lying to get you all out of the building and everything is a mix of pain and numbness. It’s the worst cocktail ever poured down your throat.

The numbness clouds your bones. It’s somehow so painful and painless. That’s the thing about being numb. It doesn’t always mean pain-free. It lingers and covers you like a black cloud of doom, just looming over you but never doing anything. It taunts you, stalks you. You’ve felt like this before and it’s so hard. It’s so painful. It's paralyzing.

The three of you exit the building and Dick is first to start running, followed by Kory. You drag your feet as your breathing is ragged. Everything seems to be going in slow motion. You reach the front of the car that Dick and Kory ran behind and there’s Jason. Your heart stops in your chest and everything freezes for just a second. Jason gets to his feet and he’s okay. Given everything, he is, for the most part, physically okay and you have never felt more relieved about anything in your entire life.

You sprint to him and collide into him like a tidal wave at full force, wrapping your arms around his neck. Jason nearly collapses from the impact, the car being the only thing keeping him on his feet. Jason lets out a breath and takes just a second before wrapping his arms around you as tightly as he can because he swears you’ll disappear if he doesn’t.

This hug is the most cathartic thing he has ever experienced and Jason is not a hugger. But, he can’t help it right now because you’re crying into him and you’re alive and you’re okay and he’s alive. And at least right now, you don’t hate him for him being the reason you were basically dropped from a skyscraper and he never wants to let go of you. He wants to live in his exact moment forever, his eyes closed and his arms wrapped so tight around you, Dick would have to pry him away from you with a crowbar.

Dick looks up from mending the strange man that saved Jason, someone you didn’t even notice, and looks at Jason and you. You arms are wrapped tightly around his neck while Jason’s arms are wrapped around your waist, his hands holding his own forearms. Jason buries his face into the crook of your neck and Dick remembers that night he caught you both in the bathroom together. And the night he caught you both training and he remembers how Jason told him about Jerry.

The first words that came out of his mouth when Dick picked up the phone were “it’s not her fault.”. Jason threw himself in front of the bus Dick was driving to try to protect you that night. He took the blame and he never told you about it. It’s why you were so mad when Dick pointed the finger at Jason. You took the blame that night in the sparring room and Dick is watching you both feeling like maybe there’s something to the two of you, you’re a little bit of chaos together, sure. But he’s never seen Jason look so content and after something like this, Dick expects Jason to lose it but he’s just hugging you with everything in him. But, he feels bad because he knows this night will change everything between the two of you. The relief of being alive will wear off and something will shift. 

You pull away, just enough to get a look at his face, as if making sure he’s really here. His eyes are dark behind the mask as they move over your face. The whites of his eyes are bloodshot but he looks relieved. You’ve never felt panic like you did with him falling. Heights, foster care, the streets, none of it even competed with that feeling. You were so certain if he died, you’d be devasted, it would destroy you. You were so certain of it before but now, you know that without a doubt, that would be it. That would be the thing that finally shattered you into slivers of glass that can’t be glued together. Everything else that’s happened, adding the death of Jason onto that, would be it. Because you adore him with every bone in your body. So, for the first time, you commit to it.

You place your fingers on his jaw, trying to avoid touching him with your palms, and bring his lips to yours. Jason freezes. He doesn’t move, he tenses up completely because not in his wildest dreams did he ever think you’d ever commit to it. It was always jokes and banter, he swore you’d never do anything about it. Jason swore he was the second choice for you. That’s why you’d forfeit the game, save his feelings if he decided to keep it going. He never thought it’d get here and then a beat passes and he relaxes into you, squeezing you closer to him. His world stops and it all goes quiet.

The guilt riddled in his blood and bones and veins evaporates. The constant voice in his head, blaming him for everything horrible that’s ever happened has finally shut up. It’s gone to hide in the shadows and it’s quiet. The weight on his shoulders is gone and his heart doesn’t feel like it’s being crushed by an elephant. Despite it all, despite tonight, in spite of tonight, you kissed him. And for the first time in a long time, Jason Todd does not feel like damaged goods.

The world spins for you the second you feel Jason squeeze you. Everything spins and you can’t hear the other Titans coming up from behind you, questioning the strange man. You don’t hear the helicopter above you or the cars still passing by on the street. Everything goes silent around you while your stomach jumps into your throat. You kind of thought Jason didn’t want you to commit to it. He tossed you the ball and hoped you’d play, but he never asked. But, he’s pulling you closer and relaxing under you touch, unbothered by the blood that’s definitely getting on his face and it was never a game. You’re so sure of that, it was never a game to him and it wasn’t to you. Your heart beats for this boy against you like it’s never had a purpose before.

Jason pulls away first, resting his forehead against yours, his eyes closed as he takes a breath. It’s like this is the first full breath he’s taken all night. And you can feel it. Jason Todd thinks he’s hard to love and hard to care about but right now, you swear it’s the easiest thing you’ve ever done. Despite everything and every bad decision you both make, caring about him the easiest thing you’ve ever done. Caring about him is like breathing, effortless and easy. I’s always there tugging at the bottom of your heart and echoing in the back of your head, silently like calming sound of a soft rain again the window.

“You're alive.” Your voice is fragile against him.

“So are you.” Jason's words are soft as he opens his eyes. “You held on.”

“You let go.” You whisper and you’re so thankful he let go.

“I had to.” Jason pulls away just enough to fully look at you. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“I know.” You nod your head quickly and you move your hands down to his shoulders, getting a look at the blood on his face. “Thank you for saving my life, Jay.”

Jason nods at you and he gets why Gar gets touchy-feely. There are a million things he wants to say to you but he can’t get his voice to work and he doesn’t know if he should say any of it. He doesn’t know how. So, he just pulls you into a tighter hug again because that’s the only way he can express how he’s feeling. He saved your life tonight by letting go of you but what you don’t know is that you saved his life tonight, too. You saved him because if it weren’t for you, he would have fought so fucking hard against Deathstroke and Dr. Light, they would have had no choice but to kill him. Jason doesn’t give up that easily but you’re a reason worth living for, you’re that person worth protecting to him. You don’t know it, but you saved his life, too.

“I’m sorry I got blood on you.” You whisper to him, grabbing your sleeve to try and wipe it off without smearing more blood on him.

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it.” Jason shakes his head at you and if you keep this up, he’s sure you’ll have his blood on you at some point. It’s bound to happen at this rate.

"Hey, guys." Kory calls, getting your attention and this time, neither of you step away from each other like you would have yesterday. "Come on, we have to get back to the tower." Kory jerks her head towards the black SUV while Dick and Hank are lifting the strange man's arms over their shoulders to help him up.

Jason and you nod at her, finally pulling away from each other. The two of you follow the Titans to the car, getting into the third row with Kory. The car is completely packed but none of you are willing to complain about that small detail right now. Instead, Dick starts driving while Kory has a look at your hands, using the dome light to have a look. She can't see much given the bad lighting and blood everywhere, unfortunately.

Meanwhile, you ask about the guy and Jason explains that he came out of nowhere, midair, and caught him, that’s it. But, you catch the lack of excitement in his voice that would normally be there. He’s flat and dry, distant. And you get it. To say tonight sucked, would be an understatement.

Everything is starting to settle in Jason's bones. The adrenaline is starting to crash and he feels the weight creep back over him, inch by inch. The darkness migrates from the shadows of his head to the very front, damaging every thought that pops into his head. The kiss with you, scared the darkness away but now he’s in silence, putting himself in his own bubble and thinking about every single thing that happened tonight. The weight almost feels too heavy.

The rest of the ride is quiet but the air is the car is stiff. It's as if tiy and Jason can feel all of them wanting to yell at you at the same time but they're managing to bite their tongues for the drive. But, you're both thankful for the silence anyway. It does, however, worry you for Jason to be so quiet and have nothing to say about anything. Not to harass Dick about failing tonight or about him dropping Jason. Jason is silent as he stares out of his window. And you’re worried.

Once you get back to the tower, you and Jason are the last to leave the elevator with your heads hung. The other Titans take the strange man off to the infirmary to try and help him. You look over at Jason as he's limping with every step.

“Meet me in the bathroom, okay?” You ask. “Your leg.”

Jason glances at you. “Yeah, alright.” He nods and decides to not to fight it.

Yes, he saved your life but the adrenaline of it all is wearing off and is being clouded by guilt. He saved you but you shouldn’t have been in that position in the first place. At the end of the day, he still failed. This was his chance to prove himself and instead, he got kidnapped, tortured, and then dropped from a skyscraper. Every minute that passes, adds ten pounds to his shoulders and it’s crushing him. He’s supposed to be Robin but he couldn’t even take out a lightbulb.

Gar is the first to greet you and Jason, rushing over to you and hugging you both at the same time. You turn your hands, palm up to hug him back and Jason pats Gar’s back. The both of you feel a bit of relief to have Gar hug you. And then you both feel worse all over again because you just put Gar through hell. The helicopter was likely the news meaning it was probably live and Gar was probably watching it. At least you and Jason were together, knowing what was going on. Gar was stuck here with radio silence from you. And you both swear the guilt from it might eat you whole.

“I’m so glad you guys are okay.” Gar rushes his words as he pulls away, seeing blood on your clothes, Jason’s suit, neck, and jawline. “I mean…are you guys….okay?”

You look to your hands. “It’s fine. I’m fine, Gar. Thanks.” You nod at him and give him the weakest smile he’s ever seen.

“It’s mostly hers.” Jason states, his voice still flat. “I’m gonna change.”

You and Gar watch Jason limp off and Gar looks back to you with furrowed brows. Jason is hurt and Jason doesn’t get hurt. Of course, Gar expects you both to be traumatized and weird but not…quiet. Jason is never quiet and you look like you’re holding your breath.

“Deathstroke carved the tracker out of his leg.” Your voice is sad and hushed.

Gar's eyes widen and it feels like he’s being stabbed in the chest again. “Seriously?”

You nod. “Yeah…so, um…” You swallow thickly. “I’m gonna meet him in the bathroom and help him clean it. I just…I think we need to talk about tonight.”

“Yeah, yeah, no I get it.” Gar nods his head, understanding why you and Jason would want to talk about everything. He has to be patient. “I’m really, really happy you’re okay.”

You see the worry lines and you think they might be permanent now, because of you and Jason. “Yeah, me, too. I’m really glad you weren’t there.” You say quietly. “I’ll catch up later.” You cut it short because if you keep talking to Gar you’ll lose it and you can’t lose it, not yet.

You go right into the bathroom and get out the medical supplies. You wash and wrap your hands haphazardly with gauze. You’re not all that concerned about yourself and really just wants to help Jason. This isn’t about you because it can’t be. This is going to take time to recover from mentally and you know that but that’s thing. You’ve been through it and while it is unfathomable to have gone through it twice, you’ll get better from it because you did before. And tonight was not for you, it was always for Jason who wants nothing more in the world to be the best Robin. He let himself down and you can’t let him do that to himself. You need to shelve how you’re feeling for him. You can break over it later.

“I can do this in my own, ya know that?” Jason asks as he stands in the doorway.

You look to him, now in a pair of shorts and a black t-shirt. You can see the gash on his leg that’s deep, blood stains go down his thigh. “I know.” You state as you look back to him. “But, you cleaned up my hands last time, so sit your ass down, Jay.” You try to give him some snark but you can feel that your tone failed.

“Whatever you say, bOsS.” Jason mocks how you’d normally respond if he were you.

“Ha-ha.” You roll your eyes but give him a smile.

Jason hops on the counter of the sink, putting his hands behind him. He doesn’t like to deal with this stuff. It makes him feel too exposed but after tonight, he can’t very well be more exposed to you. And it’s you, it’s different with you. It doesn’t feel all that scary and you want to help. Jason would do anything you told him right now.

You get a wash rag, soaking it before starting to clean his wound. Jason hisses as you touch it. “Sorry.” You mutter, trying to be more gentle.

“It’s fine.” Jason lets out a breath, seeing the gauze in your hands that looks like a complete mess. “How’re your hands?”

“Oh,” You pause for a second before continuing. “Fine, they don’t hurt really and they’re barely bleeding.” You lie, trying to brush it off for Jason's sake.

Jason nods. If it weren’t for everything else that happened that night, he wouldn’t be feeling too guilty about your hands. It would just have been an accident of trying to save you both, which it was. But given everything that happened, he blames himself because it’s about the injury you sustained tonight because of him. It was his idea for you to melt the glass and that’s what lead you to fall onto the shards. Deathstroke beat you up and now you have cuts on your hands and he’s blaming himself for it.

You glance up to him, the distant look in his eyes haunting you. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” His voice is stern this time.

“It’s okay if you’re not. You were just dropped fifteen stories.” You state as you clean the dried blood around his thigh.

“I’m fucking fine.” Jason huffs. “I can do this myself if you’re gonna fucking badger me, alright?”

He’s completely fine, except for the fact that he feels like he’s still falling, the pain in his leg, his hands shaking, his arms feeling like they’ll fall off at any moment, the whole thought that he’s a failure, and the guilt that’s eating him from the inside out. He’s completely fine, besides all of that.

“Fuck,” You let out a scoff. “I’m just saying that it’s okay if you’re not, alright?” You glance up to him and his eyes are trained on the wall in front of him, glossy and it breaks a part of you. You look back down at his leg. “It’s normal. It’s okay. You don’t have to be fine around, Jay.” Your voice goes quiet. “It’s you and me, okay?” You look up to him and Jason’s eyes just barely glance in your direction as if looking at you makes it real. “I’m not fine, for the record. Nightmares will definitely be coming back in full force but ya know, you told me to talk about shit. I did and it does help. You know that and I know that. So.” You suck in a breath and you want Jason to talk because he has to be okay.

“I’m sorry, alright?” Jason huffs. “I’m not trying to be an asshole, it’s just,” He pauses. “It’s my fault, alright? And it fucking sucks.”

“It’s not your fault.” You shake your head as you continue to clean the wound.

Jason scoffs, shaking his head as if to not believe you. “Right, just my dumbass idea, right?”

“No,” Your voice is soft as you ditch the rag in the sink and reach for a few butterfly stitches, wishing you knew how to do proper stitches because Jason probably needs them. “It’s not. I was mad.” You feel the guilt wash into your blood. “You called me useless.”

“I didn’t mean it.” Jason’s words are rushed and he finally looks down at you fully. The guilt coats his stomach like cement. “I’m really sorry.”

“No, I know.” You nod at him, but don’t keep your eyes on him, getting the sense he doesn’t want you looking at him very long. “We say these in high-stress situations that we don’t mean.” You state. “It sucks but it happens. I didn’t mean it and you didn’t mean. It’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, it fucking is.” Jason groans, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “Can’t you pick any other topic?”

“It’s not and I will tell you that every single day until you believe me.” You ignore the question because you know he’s going to drown himself in his own guilt if you don’t get him to listen to you.

You’ll suck up your fear of heights and scream it from the rooftops if he needs you to. This isn’t his fault and you will do everything and anything to get him to believe you. You can’t let him drown himself. You can’t lose him.

“I got you kidnapped, beat up again, and dropped from a fucking skyscraper.” His eyes are narrowed at you but his voice is pleading. It’s as if he’s pleading and begging for you to put the blame on him. Let this be his fault. He deserves it. He’ll never forgive himself for it. Jason huffs. “If I would have just….fucking listened and stayed behind, none of this would have fucking happened.”

“We.” You correct him and he quirks a brow at you. “We, had we listened but there were three of us who didn’t. So, it’s not your fault.”

Jason thinks you’re just trying to make him feel better. How isn’t this his fault? Everything about tonight came down to the decisions he made. Maybe had he just escaped instead of helping you, he could have brought to the Titans to where Deathstroke was and saved you from the rest of the night. Had he been faster, maybe you both could have escaped. If he could have escaped the restraints on the building, he could have gotten you to melt the window faster and you would have been saved. This is his fault, every single way he looks at it. It is.

“Yes, it fucking is and you don’t have to fucking baby me trying to make me feel better.” Jason barks and you pause again, eying him. “This is on me, okay? I had one fucking job and I fucking failed at it.” Jason’s voice cracks.

“We all fuck up, Jason.” You keep your voice calm and kind.

“Not like this.” The tip of his nose starts to turn pink. “I could have gotten you, Dick, and Kory killed tonight. Being Robin is the best thing that’s fucking happened to me and I fucked that up, too.” Jason sucks in a ragged breath and he just can’t take it. The night is too much and it’s all overflowing like a dam after a hurricane. “It’s my fault, Y/n.”

You shake your head. “You are a great fucking Robin and you know I wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t mean it. You have saved people. Tonight was just…a lot. Deathstroke was just better than all of us. We never stood a chance.”

“We should have though!” Jason argues. “I fuck everything up. I touch anything and it just gets messed up over and over again. It’s like I’m fucking cursed.” Tears brim in his eyes.

It breaks your heart to hear that’s how he views himself. He doesn’t deserve it and you want to hunt down every single person that has ever made him feel this way.

“It’s….it’s fucking heavy, alright?” Jason lets out a breath and he hates this. He hates feeling useless and weak and vulnerable. He hates it all and he wants to leave and run but he doesn’t. “It’s all my fault and I have to live with it.”

“Put it on me.” You state, similarly to what he did to you that night at Jerry’s and Jason’s brows raise. “You wanna blame someone? Blame me. That’s fine. I will carry it for you, Jay.” You start placing the butterfly stitches carefully. “You carry it for me and I carry it for you, okay?” Jason shakes his head and he opens his mouth to argue but you start first. “You do it for me, right?” Jason nods. “Okay, let me do it for you. You know I, uh, don’t read but I can read to you if it’ll help. I’ll do whatever you want me to to help you. I promise, I can carry it.”

It simmers in his stomach and in his chest. His chest burns, aching with the offer because maybe it’s the nicest thing someone’s ever said to him. But he can’t let her take that blame. It’s a heavy thing to carry and for him, no less.

“Not your responsibility.” He tries to make his voice sound stern but it comes out broken.

You can't tell if this is one of his self-sabotaging things, where he pushes and pushes and pushes the argument until the other person literally gives up. Or, he fights and fights, trying to get someone to agree with his haunted thoughts or say something worse about him because he thinks he deserves it. You don't know if it's self-sabotage or if he's genuinely having that hard of a time believing you. But, either way, you feel this anger bubble in your stomach because how could the world have the nerve to treat him so poorly that you're even having this conversation right now?

People give up on him. It’s what they do. Jason pushes those people away because he doesn’t deserve the help. He pushes them away because if he pushes and pushes and pushes, they eventually leave. They give up and no one is ever up to the task to really, ever, truly help him even through his shit. No one ever sees through his shit and then there’s you. You see through him like cellophane. He is transparent and it makes him want to explode. No one sees him for him but you do. It’s just him and you.

“I need you to listen to me.” You cup his cheeks and Jason gets a good look at the fat lip and black eye this time. “You are one of my favorite people on this planet and I am not giving up on you. You can push all the fuck you want, Jason Todd but I’m gonna be up your ass every fucking day until I die. I give a very big fuck about you, okay? You do not deserve to blame yourself. You do not deserve what happened tonight, okay? You are good enough, Jay.” Your eyes are locked on his and your voice is unwavering. It is stern and solid but lacking harshness. It’s breaking you seeing him like this and Jason can tell. But, he’s never seen anyone, ever like this with him. If anyone else had ever said any of that, he isn’t sure he’d believe them but he believes you. But, he has one last argument because that's what he does. Push until he can't push anymore.

“Not to Dick or Bruce.”

“Fuck them! You’re good enough to me, Jay.” Your voice breaks with the last sentence, your brows are knitted together and your breathing is slightly ragged. Your eyes are rimmed with tears and Jason can't argue anymore. That’s enough for him.

He nods against your hands. “Okay.”

Your eyes scan over his face, as if making sure he’s not just saying that to get you to stop. You nods. “When you can’t sleep, you’ll come to me, right?”

“Yeah,” Jason nods his head once more. “You do the same, then, right?”

You nod. “Yeah.” You normally go to Gar but this is too much. He’s had so many nights awake with you because of nightmares and Jason was there this time. If you can’t sleep, you’ll go to him this time because at least you’ll be together in your guilt.

“Thanks.” Jason states, “For everything.”

You give him a smile. “I’d do anything for you, Jason Todd.”

You moves your hands from his face and wrap your arms around his neck. You pull him in for a tight hug. His arms wrap around your waist and he buries his head into your neck because this is cathartic. You help him breathe again. When it feels like the air is being ripped from his lungs, you push it all back in. He’ll never be able to repay you for it.

And because of that, he knows he can’t say anything about how he feels about you. It’s silly to think about that right now but he does. He does because he adores you and that is the one thing he is certain about. But, tonight, he almost got you killed. You’re begging him to blame you because you worry too much about him. If he told you and you made that decision to follow him into the dark, he’d never forgive himself if he ruined you. You’re worried about ruining Gar and Jason is worried about ruining you. But, he can keep you in a safe distance, friends. Keep everything else silent between you because Gar is good. Gar is careful and safe and protective. Gar is everything Jason Todd is not. Jason swears his best friend is better for you and you’re better for him. So, he swallows the thunder in his chest and bites the sour taste of silence.

You pull away and nod at him. “Thank you again for saving my life.”

Jason smiles softly at you. “Yeah, you’re welcome.” Jason clears his throat, glancing to your hands and then back to you. “Switch with me.” Jason jerks his head up while you take a step back. “You did a shit job with your hands.” Jason scoffs as he hops off the counter. “I’ll do it.”

You give him a tender smile. “Was a little too worried about you to focus on it.” You shrug but do as he asks and get on the counter.

“You don’t have to worry about me.” Jason assures you, taking one of your hands in his and unwraps the botched gauze job.

“Always gonna.” You quip.

Jason lets out a huff as he gets the gauze off, this time getting a good look at your hands. Your hands are practically shredded, still bleeding. He can see some of the muscle through one of the large cuts and it twists his stomach in a knot. He is not squeamish but it’s you and it’s your hands. He shakes his head and moves to the other hand.

"Doesn't really hurt." You clear your throat, seeing the look on Jason's face.

"Yeah, okay." Jason scoffs. "Who's bullshitting now?"

"Well," You let out a chuckle. "I'm not bullshitting, doesn't really hurt which, uh, probably isn't good, right?"

Jason looks up at you, still holding your hand and he pauses for just a second. "Might just be adrenaline. You should be fine." Jason reassures you.

"How's your hearing?"

"Sounds like I got a gallon of water lodged in my damn ear." Jason huffs but there's a smile tugging at his lips.

"Here." You say as Jason finishes unwrapping your hand and you grab a wash rag.

You rinse it under warm water and motion for Jason to come closer. He does as asked without hesitation, standing between in your legs. Jason dodges eye contact while you move his head so you can see his right ear. There's a heavy blood streak down the side of his neck. You aren't sure exactly how hard he was hit or if he was hit more than once after he was knocked out but by the blood, you assumed it's not good and he was hit a little too hard. But you don't badger him, you just take the warm rag and start to clean the blood down his neck.

Jason's jaw clenches with the movement and he's never had anyone take care of him, not like this. Bruce and Alfred showed him how to clean his cuts and wounds properly, but it was never this. They mostly told him what to do, which was also partially because Jason wouldn't let them actually help even when they did offer. This is so new to him and a part of him doesn't mind. It feels nice being taken care of and because of that, he feels a little uncomfortable. It makes his jaw clench and he straightens his stance just a little. When he does, you’re more gentle and slower.

That's the thing, you can read him. You knows Jason has never had the privilege of having someone do this for him, but he doesn't have to do it on his own anymore, so you’re slow. You don't want to scare him off. She's gentle and careful with him.

"I got it all." Your voice is quiet as you pull the rag away.

Jason finally looks at you and he struggles so much because he just cares so much about you. He doesn't deserve your tenderness or your care. He doesn't deserve you but he can't bring himself to pull away either. Instead, he rests his forehead against yours and takes just a few seconds to breathe.

Your heart stutters in your chest. You never thought Jason would be the one to move closer. Especially right now. There is no banter here, just care for the other. It's soft and gentle. Quiet. The room is quiet and your head is quiet. Your eyes close and you swear you feel so at home. You don't feel that weight on your bones like you usually do. You feel...happy. Right here, right now, with Jason. But, this is just a moment and you cannot live in this moment forever.

Jason squeezes his eyes before pulling away and going back to her hands. "I'm sorry." He clears his throat. "We gotta talk about that kiss." His eyes are tired and red. "I can't. I'm sorry." Jason glances to you and then to your hands again. "Please don't hate me." There's an innocence in his voice with the request.

"I could never hate you." You let out a sigh. "I get it, it's okay." You assure him.

You want to ask why, after all the jokes and banter and his reaction to you kissing him, you know it's more than a game. You want to know why he can't and not because you’re offended or mad, but because you’re worried this is another way for Jason to self-sabotage. The two of you are very similar. You have a lot in common and you think similarly. But, one of your main differences in how you react to good things and people. Jason pushes until they leave, sometimes it doesn't even take much. And you, you've been told your entire life you’re a flight risk even when you try not to be. But, right now, with Jason, you don't want to run from it. Not now. So, you find it in yourself to ask.

"Can I ask why though?" Your words are slow, etched with hesitance.

"I'm fucked up." There's a hopelessness in his voice.

"So am I." You shrug and you’re not convincing him, just stating something that should be obvious.

"Okay, we're both a fucking  mess and that's not fair to either us." Jason shrugs his shoulders and maybe he is self-sabotaging a little. "You like Gar anyway, I'm kind of into Rose." His voice turns nonchalant as he tries his best to brush it off.

It's more than all of that. It's that you would die for him and he would never let you. He can't let you. It's that he's seen you through this terrible, horrible shit and he knows what happens when he gets involved. More terrible, horrible shit. Jason is aware that he is reckless and impulsive. He has no intention on stopping, it's how he is. It's rooted so deep in his blood, he can't imagine not being reckless or impulsive. He's also Robin, even if Bruce doesn't want him to be right now. He is. With all that, he might die one day because of it. Bruce hasn't and Dick hasn't, but he might. He doesn't get it, but that would be another terrible, horrible thing you would have to suffer through. At least, if you're friends, maybe it won't hurt so bad when it does happen.

Jason Todd believes he poisons everyone around him, he will not poison you. Not you.

"Yeah, that's true." You clear your throat and decide to drop the conversation. He's right and you know that. It's not worth discussing further. "I get it." You assure him. "We okay then?" You offer him the fakest smile you’ve ever given.

"Yeah, of course." Jason gives you a weak smile as he finishes wrapping your hands properly.

"Gonna get some rest?"

He shakes his head. "Nah, I'm gonna train a bit."

"You're insane." You let out a laugh and you laugh but you’re worried about him training.

"You did the same shit." Jason chuckles, the warm chuckle fills his chest but there’s a hollowness in it.

"Yeah, that was different.” You defend, eyes squinting slightly at him. “Can I stop you?"

Jason shakes his head. "Nope." Jason sucks in a breath. "I'm fine, alright? I won't train hard." Jason's voice is mocking as he forces a grin onto his face.

"I'll kick your ass if you do. I can do that now." You hold your head up high.

"In your fucking dreams, babe." Jason quips and for a second, it feels normal because it came out with ease.

"You wish I were dreaming about you, shithead." You mocks and it gets Jason to laugh again.

"You wish." Jason chortles and backs away so you can get off the counter. "Thanks for helping."

You smile softly at him and nods. "Yeah, of course."

"Meet up later?" Jason asks as he walks towards the door.

"Ya know where to find me." You let out a gentle laugh as you look to the ground and back to him.

"Alright." Jason nods at you before exiting the bathroom, his heart weighing heavily in his chest.

With Jason gone, the strength you had starts fleeting. The smile falls and your heart plummets. Your eyes burn and water as you clean up the supplies. You work as fast as you can so you can get back to your room and shut the door, shut the whole tower out for a few minutes.

When you get back to your room, you’re so quick that you accidentally slam the door but can't be bothered to even notice. You walk over to the table you have against the window, a sketchbook and liners scattered about the top. You place your hands on the surface and sucks in a ragged breath. Your chest feels like it's going to cave in and tears spill from your eyes. Her head hangs and you’re so tired of the pain. Being strong for Jason wasn't easy but it had to be done. You had to because he was going to fall apart. If you fall apart in front of him, because of him, he will lose it and you couldn't let that happen. But now you’re alone and you’re reminded and haunted about being kidnapped twice and beaten and almost fucking murdered. You were dropped from a skyscraper and you’re just supposed to live with that forever.

"Y/n?" Gar's voice pulls you from your thoughts.

You shake your head. "Go away, Gar." Your voice breaks as you sniffle.

Gar's brows furrow and his heart breaks. He can see you shaking and hear you crying. He's worried about you in the same way you’re worried about Jason. The last time you flew off the deep end, you went after Jerry. What if you go after Deathstroke? He kidnapped you and tried to kill you. It wouldn't be too far-fetched for you to do that and Gar can't lose you. He swears that he can't lose you and the guilt starts gnawing at the pit of his stomach, the voice in the back of his head is howling at him. This has to be on him, too because he never should have let it happen. He's supposed to protect the people he cares about.

"Are you okay?" Gar asks, taking a step forward.

"Go away!" You let out a sob, gritting your teeth with your eyes slammed shut. You can't do it right now.

"I'm not gonna do that." Gar's voice is quiet as he steps closer to you.

"Please, I can't..." You let out a cough. "I can't do this right now, okay?" You keep your back to him and your legs feel weak. The night has sucked all of the energy out of you like a black hole.

"I'm worried about you." Gar's voice cracks and that's it.

You let out a wail that sends a dagger through Gar's heart. He nearly shuts his eyes with the sound as if that will damper the noise. Your legs start to give out and Gar is quick to move behind you, wrapping his arms around you. The two of you go to the floor, you holding onto his arms tightly as you sob. Gar squeezes you in his lap, holding back his own tears as he rocks you back and forth slowly.

It's a tidal wave that finally pulls you under. There is only so much one person can take and you are at the end of your rope. This wasn't supposed to happen. You’re traumatized and scared and tired. You’re fucking exhausted and you want to let the water in, let it take the air from your lungs where you can finally feel relief because it's all just too much. The guilt glooms over you like the Reaper and you know you can't live with him staring back at you, a cruel reminder that you’re the reason you almost lost your best friend tonight.

If you were faster, if you were stronger, if you were more focused, if you didn't care so much about him, if you weren't so fucking scared, it all would have went differently. The Reaper will haunt you more than Deathstroke, more than Jerry because this one time, this is on you. This is your fault and when you tell Jason to put it on you it's because you believe, truly, that this is your fault. If anyone deserves to be haunted for it, if anyone deserves to drown, it's you. So, you sob and break as Gar holds you as close to him as possible and tell you over and over and over again that it's okay.

Gar left your door open and now Dick is standing in the doorframe watching. All he can see is Gar's back to him, rocking back and forth with you sobbing in his arms. Dick was just on his way back from the straining room where Jason has his leg bandaged and is still kicking and punching his way around the training room. He isn't pulling his punches, he's just training and training and training. He was on his way here to check on you and now he's witnessing something absolutely crushing.

He expected you to be not good, to say the least, but outright completely breaking wasn't what he expected. Jason is going to train himself into the ground and you’re having a mental breakdown and Gar is right in the middle of the two of you. This night did more than break the three of you because Dick is watching all of this happen to the three of you that he took in. The three of you he's been training. And part of this is on him. He's worried he'll end up losing all three of you in one sweep. He's supposed to be better than this and the only thing he can do is walk away because he can't say or do anything to make this easier for any of you.

"He dropped us." You whimper against Gar, ragged breaths leaving your lips.

"I know." Gar whispers to you. "I saw it." His voice breaks and he hates himself for it. He's supposed to be strong for you but he can't.

You shoot forward and look at him with horror. "What? What the fuck do you mean you saw it?" Your words are jumbled together, your face soaked in her own tears. You figured he did because of course they would have the news on, but it’s shocking and devasting to have the confirmation anyway.

Gar nods, his eyes haunted. "It was on the news."

You swing your arms around his shoulders and more tears leak from your eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"No, it's not your fault." Gar pulls away so he can look at your face. "It's not."

"You shouldn't have had to see that and--"

"Stop." Gar cuts you off. "It's okay. I'm okay." Gar lies and he's not okay. The sight of watching two of his favorite people get dropped fifteen stories will haunt him for the rest of his life.

"It's not okay." You whine. "It's not because you saw it. Because I should have done something. I could have and I didn't. We got kidnapped and beat up and Jason got fucking tortured and it's all my fucking fault, Gar." You let out another sob. "And Dick picked Jason."

There's a lot to unpack but you have the rest of the night so Gar picks one thing at a time. "What do you mean Dick picked Jason?"

"We were hanging there and Dick picked Jason to save." The cry that leaves your lips this time is so fragile, Gar thinks if he breathes too heavily it'll tear.

You know that picking Jason was possibly a smarter option. You actually get it because if it were Dick and Jason, you would have picked Jason, too. You know you can't possibly hold that against him because Jason was further down than you were. You could have pulled yourself up, you’re strong enough. Saving Jason was a priority and you know that but right now, with the weight of the world on your shoulders, it hurts.

It hurts because Dick didn't pick you. Dick didn't save you. He could have and he didn't. And he should have. In some way, Dick should have been able to save both of you because he was supposed to be Robin but he didn't. It doesn’t matter that Kory was there because you and Jason are Dick’s responsibility. And it hurts so bad you want your heart to stop beating because if it stops, maybe the pain will stop, too.

How is Gar supposed to respond to that? Call Dick an asshole? Maybe that's what you want to hear, he just can't tell. You’re logical, you understand why people do the things they do, usually. So, he knows, that somewhere inside that broken heart of yours, he knows you get it. So, he won't blame Dick.

"I'm so sorry, Y/n." Gar says quietly because apologizing might work better than putting blame on people.

"I get it, ya know?" You let out a cough and a ragged breath. "I get it because I would have saved Jason, too but it hurts anyway because I could have died again and it's just not fucking fair and Gar it fucking hurts." You sob once more, putting your hands over your face. "Make it stop, please." The word please shatters every piece of Gar. No amount of superglue is going to put him back together after that.

"Come here." Gar moves your hands from your face because he needs to do something, you don’t deserve to feel like this. "You're gonna be okay." Gar nods at you, cupping your face in his hands just as you did for Jason. "It's gonna hurt and I wish I could make it stop but I can't." Gar states, watching the tears fall from your eyes as your chin quivers. "But, it's not your fault, okay? You did everything you could. Deathstroke was just ahead of you guys the whole time. He was ahead of the other Titans, too."

"I should have been able to save us." You whimper.

Gar shakes his head. "You did everything you could and that's good enough. You melted the window, right?" Gar asks and you nod. "So, you did save yourself. Deathstroke was just faster."

"But, if I were faster then I could have melted the window and gotten us both in while Kory and Dick fought him."

"He would have seen though, right?" Gar tries to talk you into believing him. He wasn't there so he doesn't know but he can only guess everyone could see through the windows. You nod. "So, if you tried to get into the window, even while he was fighting Dick and Kory, he would have seen and set the bomb off anyway, right?"

You nod, realizing that's probably true. "But, I was focused on Jason and I wasn't fast enough. You know I can sense when people are gonna attack and I dropped the fucking ball." You whimper but it's calmer this time.

"But, none of us knew Deathstroke was working with Dr. Light. Why would you be on high alert?" Gar asks and he's just trying to give you some reasoning. He wants you to stop blaming yourself. He's worried about you. "You've never seen Jason fight before and you said you liked to watch Robin videos on YouTube, it was cool, right?" Gar asks and you nod. "Okay, so it makes sense, ya know?"

You sniffle and nod your head. "I should have known though."

"Hey, no. That's not how it works, okay?" Gar moves his hands to your shoulders. "Rachel and me got kidnapped and I got tortured." Gar states with furrowed brows. "We also got Dick and Kory tortured." Gar lets out a sigh. "We should have known. We should have expected something but we didn't but that wasn't our fault. It was a hospital, we shouldn't have needed to expect something like that to happen to any of us. It wasn't our fault then. And this, this isn't your fault either. This is Deathstroke's fault and Dr. Light. Dick didn’t blame us and he’s not going to blame you for this so you shouldn’t either."

You rub your eyes and nod your head. You have a hard time believing him but Gar is making you feel a little bit better. "I'm just..." You swallow the lump in your throat. "You and Jason just mean so much to me and I don't know what I would do if I lost either of you and I've done everything I can to survive. I don't wanna die either. It's...so fucking much." You let out a breath. "And I know that I should put myself first sometimes that like my mental health is important, blah blah blah, but I'm also so worried about Jason because you didn't see him in the bathroom tonight. And how am I supposed to deal with tonight," A few more tears come from your eyes as you work yourself up again. "And Jason because I won't abandon him and he needs me, he needs us. It's just so much and so fucking loud."

Gar cups your face again and he offers you the softest of smiles. "We take one day at a time, okay?" He asks. "I care about you and you don't have to do this alone. You or Jason." Gar states. "You're not alone in this, I promise."

You backs down. Your thoughts swirl in the forefront of your mind like that waterslide at the big waterparks. Just swirling, waiting to be sucked into the open but you push them down because Gar is trying to help and it's working. You hate feeling alone but Gar promises that he won't leave you alone with this, it means everything to you. You can't be alone in it, not right now. And you’re so grateful for him.

"Okay." You nod, putting your hands over his.

"Wanna keep talking about it?" Gar asks.

You shake your head. "No, no, not anymore. I want...to forget it." You nod quickly.

"Okay." Gar nods and he wishes you'd talk more about it. He doesn't want it to simmer too long but he won't push. "Movie?"

"Please."

"Okay." Gar offers you a smile, brushing your hair from your face. "Let's get up."

You nods softly, carefully getting up, feeling the weight of everything making your limbs heavy. But, you get to your feet, Gar following as you do. He's standing close to you, as if afraid if he steps one step away, you'll shatter again.

"C-can I see if Jason wants to watch?" You suck in a breath, your breathing uneven. "He's training and um...ya know?" You dodge his eyes and even after all that, you revert back to worry about Jason. Worrying about him is significantly better than trapping yourself in your thoughts about yourself.

"Why the hell is he training right now?" Gar's voice goes up an octave. He's really starting to wonder if anyone in this tower has any healthy coping mechanisms. He's guessing not.

You shrug. "It's Jason." The sigh that escapes you is defeated.

"We should probably tell Dick, then. Lock the training room or something." Gar suggests and Jason is his best friend. Gar doesn't want Jason running himself into the ground or causing himself more physical or mental pain. He's had enough for one lifetime.

You shakes your head quickly. "Hell no, Jason'll be pissed. If Dick doesn't fucking figure it out, that's on Dick." You snap, getting a quick glance from Gar. "Sorry, it's just," You grit your teeth. "Had he just let Jason fucking help, none of this would have happened." You scoff. "We can't tell Dick."

Gar nods, not liking the response but you’re right. "Yeah, we should probably invite him then." The corner of Gar's mouth twitches up slightly into something sad and hopeless.

"Thanks, Gar." You smile shyly at him.

"Yeah, of course." Gar's smile is sad.

You tell Gar you’re going to change and then grab Jason. While you change, Gar goes off to his room to grab one of his blankets. For you, it feels good to get out of your blood-stained clothes. There's a comfort that fills your blood when you put on your pajamas, feeling far more comfortable in them. It's as if changing, puts a close on the night. It's over and that, for right now, is what's important. You’re safe in this tower.

You walk into the training room where Jason is punching one of the punching bags, favoring his left leg. It pains you to even watch. He shouldn't be training at all.

"Hey, Jay?" You call and your voice brings a sense of comfort over Jason.

He stops looking over to you as you take a few steps toward him. "What's up?" He asks.

"Uh...Gar and me are gonna watch a movie." You state and you feel nervous for the first time around him. "Do you wanna come?"

Jason lets out a breath, looking to the ground and back to you. "Nah, I'm good," his words are short as he turns back to the bag and you won't take no for an answer.

You close the distance between you, walking just to the side of him as he takes a swing. "Why not?"

"Don't want to." His words are snippy now and you aren't having it. He's watching the movie even if you have to drag him out of here by his ear.

"Jay." You urge and Jason ignores you. "Jason." Your voice goes louder, a hoarseness to it but Jason keeps ignoring you. You grow frustrated but choose not to show it. Instead, you walk up to him, putting a hand on his bicep and Jason stops punching. He glances at you as you move in front of him. Your puffy and red eyes don't get unnoticed by him. "You're not doing this to yourself, okay? It's fucking late anyway."

Jason scans your face and he can't let you down again, not tonight. "You're both fucking worried about me and I don't wanna fucking talk about it, alright?"

"I don't want to either, that's why we're watching a movie. We don't have to talk, just the three of us." You scrunch your face as if Jason should have known you’re also done with the talking.

Jason lets out a sigh. He is tired. He's somehow consumed with his own thoughts and none at all from the exhaustion that has his head turning foggy. Jason doesn't like to listen to many people who have his best interests at heart, but he decides to listen to you this time.

"What movie?"

"Didn't discuss one, but I always really liked Now You See Me." You give him a cheeky smile, knowing you’ve won this one.

"Which is what?"

"Magicians—"

Jason lets out a genuine laugh and every bit of you feel better with the sound, it's better than your favorite song. "Magicians?! I might be thespian but at least I'm not a fucking magician."

"Yeah and are you robbing banks with your theater songs?" You quip and Jason's eyes narrow but the corner of his mouth twitches into a grin.

"Robbing banks?"

"Mhm, master magicians get together, rob a few banks. It's such a good movie, I swear. I think you'll like it."

"Guess you've convinced me." Jason pulls the boxing globes from his hands.

"I am very convincing." You wiggle your brows at him, Jason looking to the ground as a response.

He nods. "Yeah, you've got your moments."

"Come on, then." You stick your hand out for him and he glances at it before looking back to you with a disapproving look. He can see the red against the white gauze .

"Yeah, I'm not grabbing your fucking hand." Jason scoffs.

You look down and nod. "Yeah, that's fair. Ya know, if had like fire powers or something--"

"No." Jason lets out a laugh. "No!" His nose scrunches.

"What?" You laugh.

"Gonna cauterize your own fucking hands?"

"YEAH!" You yell through a booming laugh. "As if you wouldn't do the same! That's how you knew I was gonna say that!"

Jason's laugh is loud and brings warmth to your chest and for a second, you think he might be okay. "Maybe!" His eyes are wide, not distant or filled of pain for just that second.

"Exactly!" You chortle. You let out a sigh. "Come on, Gar is waiting." You nod your head towards the door, interlocking your arm with his.

Back in the room, Gar has the movie ready with a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and three Gatorades for all of you. He knew Jason wouldn't say no to you. Gar isn't blind or stupid. He knew Jason would listen so he prepared stuff for all three of you. And Jason is his best friend, he wants to make sure Jason is okay just as much as you. He can't imagine losing either one of you.

You sit between the two boys as you hold the bowl of popcorn on your lap so everyone can reach. You all share one of Gar’s fleece blankets as Gar presses play on the movie. You and Jason don't have much of an appetite but Gar went through the trouble of making sure you had popcorn and if neither of you eat it, Gar will worry more. So, the two of you take a few pieces every so often to not look too suspicious.

As the movie plays on, Jason feels sleep yanking on his bones. The whole night was a wreck and the sun has officially come up. He's been up well over twenty-four hours and the stress of everything has him more exhausted than he's felt in his entire life. The adrenaline crash was one thing, but this is different. He's so comfortable sitting here watching a magic movie with his best friends that sleep pulls and tugs because it's the safest he's felt. It's the most comfortable he's felt and he doesn't feel so vulnerable around the two of you. He fights it as much as he can because he wants to finish the movie and he doesn't want to be the first one to fall asleep so he tries to just rest his eyes. Resting his eyes quickly turned into sleep taking over and his head flops onto your shoulder.

You look down and gain a soft smile with him asleep. You’ve been wanting to pass out since you sat down. Between the crying and the panic and beatings and the pain, you’re fucking exhausted. Your bones hurt, you’re nauseous from lack of sleep, and your eyes burn with every blink. Your vision has even gone a little blurry but you’ve been fighting it because you couldn't sleep without knowing Jason was okay. But, now he's asleep on your shoulder and you feel at peace. So, you place your head on Gar's shoulder and closes your eyes.

prev. chapter | next chapter 

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

Tag list: @fairyofshampoo // @italiana-20 // @jasontoddsmentaldisorders // @purplerose291 // @lovelessamai  // @makaelaseresin // @lenidaslenchen // @thatfangirl42 // @ghostkingblake // @im-done-with-this-im-out // @velvetskies // @lilylovelyxo // @cryinghotmess // @yesimwriting // @vivian-555​ 

A/n: So, the endgame is definitely Jason and I have a plan for putting him with reader lol I promise

#gar logan #jason todd #gar logan x reader #garfield logan x reader #jason todd x reader #gar logan fanfic #gar logan fanfiction #jason todd fanfic #jason todd fanfiction #titans #titans fanfic #titans fanfiction #caving in

[little-peril-stories]

LPS: Blog (Re)Intro

Little Peril Stories | Kate | adult | she/her

Masterlists:

The Queen of Lies (ongoing): AU for The Prince of Thieves—sheltered, rich sad girl meets snarky criminal; chaos ensues; whumpy, Victorian forbidden love vibes with a side helping of angst and girl power

The Court of Rogues (work in progress): sequel to The Prince of Thieves; details to come 2024.

The Prince of Thieves (complete): guy and gal get arrested and tormented by super cool, totally normal constable while pals on the outside freak out and make bad decisions; fun 1800s prison vibes with a side helping of angst and chosen family

Blood Garnet (side WIP, low priority): girl gets lost in magic woods and gets chased by her hapless cousin and a grump hunter; awkward magic man tries to help; supernatural(ish) romantasy vibes with a side helping of angst and betrayal

Man of Letters (UNRESOLVED; part of Whumptober 2023): awkward scholar boi tries to save the girl he falls in love with and gets way more than he bargained for; light romantasy paired with heavy emo vibes, with a side of helping of angst and torture

Fen and Freddie (complete): gal gets kidnapped, dopey cinnamon roll with hopeless crush tries to rescue her and fails; vague superhero sci-fi vibes with a side helping of angst and pining

The Curiosity Collector (complete): sweet non-confrontational magic boy gets kidnapped and needs rescuing by bf and sis; witchy, autumnal vibes with a side helping of angst and falling in love

✨ Check out: OC & WIP extras (mood boards, lyrics inspo, tag game creations, and more!)

This is a whumpblr/writeblr space! Sometimes I’ll post/reblog writerly posts, memes, etc., but a lot of the posts/RBs will be about whump. I post original writing and reblog the work of others that I enjoy, gifs, tropes, prompts, and other such things.

I’m down with asks and tag games but may not respond right away. If I seem to ignore you, it’s not personal, it just means real life is taking priority at that moment.

I love comments and feedback on my writing and welcome them with open arms.

A note on age: I know I can’t actually stop you from accessing this blog, but I do not wish to interact with people under 18. It’s not personal, I’m sure you’re great, but it has everything to do with my job IRL. Please respect this boundary and come back on your 18th birthday.

Check out: My Most Common Tropes

My favourite elements of whump have to do with power dynamics, intimidation, dread, and angst. I love captivity-with-a-cause: kidnapping for ransom or as leverage over someone else, prison (in fantasy or historical settings, less so for modern settings though it’s not a hard rule), and the like. Fantasy presents so many creative versions of this trope, so I do love me some fantasy whump! It also gives lots of opportunity for dungeons, shackles, and other fun implements like that. Gratuitous tying or chaining up is always delightful to see. Pining, desperately trying to protect a loved one (…and failing), and self-sacrifice are other big tropes I love, so expect to see lots of those!

As for characters, I love it when they are as far as you can get from perfect, pure, and innocent—when they’re good enough people, but whose flawed or maybe even problematic decisions lead them into trouble. Always, always, I want my characters to have a hand in their own fates. Pure-hearted victims of the narrative who simply fall into a whumpy situation are cute and fun, but not what I tend to write.

A few odds and ends I’m such a sucker for, so you’ll probably find them in my writing:

Sibling relationships

Allusions to songs, books, folklore, and musicals

Nature and weather helping to set the scene (oh my goodness, how many times can I work snow into one story?)

If romance, either slow burn or instant attraction

…with a sprinkling of “huh, I don’t understand what I’m feeling, wtf is going on??”

‘In the nick of time’ rescues

Painfully awkward moments

Fluff and comfort, but only once they’ve really earned it

Almost kisses

Hard choices

Happy endings

You probably won’t find much gore or explicit noncon here, but there might be some elements of those in my stories or in reblogs. I don’t write BBU or pet whump.

My original “whumpy things I like” post can be found here.

Anyway, thanks for reading! 💕 Happy whumping!

#blog intro #whump intro #writeblr intro #this is a reintroduction #whump community #writeblr #whumpblr #pinned post

[mommypieck]

Hello! I've been here for a while and seeing how much you've been through so far makes me sad that you've experienced so much sad shit. I recently came back to your blog since I wasn't on Tumblr for a while(I've been following you for sometime now) and decided to snoop around for a bit to see what I missed, congratulations on 10k followers btw🥺. Also I'm sorry in advance this will probably be long knowing how I can go on for a while.

Some things you've been through I can relate to, my family isn't a step family but it's definitely incredibly dysfunctional and can be shitty. It's almost 4am here so excuse any mistakes I make in writing this, I literally told myself if I didn't send this to you now I'm not gonna be able to later so I'm fighting sleep. Also your friendships I'm sorry you're stuck with people who don't deserve you in just about every aspect ☹️.

You seem like such a genuine sweetheart. I had an experience with a friendship I wanted to end before and I remember being the same as you were, wanting to stay in that friendship but couldn't leave because I was so attached to that person. I thought the end of the world was gonna happen when I left because I was so codependent on them. But I realized that the feelings I had when it came to them shouldn't be taken lightly, the bad feelings, every single one should never be taken lightly. I'm not gonna sit here and make any promises towards you that certain things are gonna be perfect but I can at least say that it's gonna be okay. Not just when but comes to friendships but living apart from your family. I know you've probably heard this shit a million times but you're not gonna be stuck in the same situation forever. If you have decided to leave that friendship I hope you felt the relief I did when I left mine, if you haven't decided to yet, you most likely will feel relieved even if there's always gonna be a longing for the good moments you might have had before, don't let the good distract you from all the bad.

When we all are teenagers or were teenagers, we are constantly told how grown up we have to act that we forget how young we really are. You are 19, you are so incredibly young and you have so much time to become whoever or whatever you want to become. I remember Jane Fonda saying that if you can't do something in your 20s,30s,40s or even 50s, you can still do it in your 60s. I DON'T mean that you won't accomplish all you desire now, because I'm sure you'll definitely get there, but you have a lot of time to get there, to think, to breathe, to exist, to have fun, to have new experiences.

Please remember that you haven't even met all the people who are gonna love you yet. You have so many people who will enter your life later on, as long as you allow them to enter and stay, that can and will love you so much.

If your family is shitty or weird, then you can have your own family, family is not defined to me by blood but by love. So I'm not telling you become pregnant or anything, but your friends can be your family, people you meet along the way can always become family, maybe even family members you'll eventually meet again will rekindle your family relationship.

I'm a bit forgetful (ADHD and trauma not a good combo)so I'm trying to remember what else I was gonna add omg.

You're a sweet girl, you're incredibly talented, if your desire is to become a writer then you're perfect for it already. Honestly I live by, "if Colleen Hoover and Anna Todd can write and publish those damn books, you damn well can too." And I know your books won't suck like theirs do. Full offense to Colleen Hoover fans btw🙃 I expect if you're reading stuff by mommypieck then your taste isn't bad.

Anyway this has been so long and I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll end it for now, stay safe, and I hope you have a beautiful forever because just wishing you one day isn't enough💖🥺💖.

i am at loss of words.i seriously don't know what to say. thanku so much for this message. it means a world to me really. i am so happy that i have people here who stick with me and actually care what i have to say.i kinda feel bad that you spend so much time, typing all of this. but you seriously gave me hope for better life. thanku so so so so so much. i love u and i appreciate you. thank you again.

[captainkranos]

Dreaming of Metal- Part One A story for those wishing they were robots

This is my first major foray into writing, so id love constructive criticism! This is part one, and it doesn't contain any smut, but I am planning for future parts to have it. Hope you enjoy!!!

It was a cold evening. February was always cold. The local coffee shop was closed, so you had to go a lot further than usual. It was the nearest one that wasn't a chain. Starbucks was definitely worse now after the Apple buyout, and you're gonna need quite a bit of coffee if you plan to finish the coding project tonight. "602nd and 28th..." You mutter under your breath. Just a few more freezing blocks. Neo York City was big. After the Monopolization of 2350, corporations started buying out whole cities. The extra 300 streets added seemed like a good idea to most, but it really just makes the good parts of the city further away from each other.

Power walking down the sidewalk in an attempt to stay warm, a pink, blinking, neon sign catches your eyes. "Order a Robotic Companion Today! Keep you company! Great at coding!" That last tagline stuck in your mind as you remember the 457 bugs last time you tried to compile the latest project. And your last romantic partner walked out on you last week after suggesting those cybernetic enhancements... How were you supposed to know a cyborg killed their grandma? You only suggested them because you weren’t brave enough to get them installed in yourself anyways. "Dial 1-800-ROBOT today!" The number was easy to remember at least. You look down the street again, and spot the coffee shop your personal navigator directed you to. You make a mental note of the phone number, and head off to get fuel for the long night ahead of you…

“ITS DONE!” You exclaim as the compiler notes zero bugs found. It's a tool to help organize blog posts for your favorite website. The site creators should have added this years ago, but you're glad to have it done now at least. You sit in silence, appreciating your handiwork… but it's a sad silence. Your old partner helped write the start of this, and now they'll never see it completed. Your thoughts flashback to that sign you saw today. A robotic companion sounds so nice. Someone to confide in, to understand you, who would understand how you feel about robots. In a bout of weakness, you pick up your holophone, and mash in the phone number that's been spinning in your head all day. 

“Q.P.R.A.U. Robotics! Where we match you with the moving metal of your dreams! How can we meet your emotional needs today?” The voice on the other end sounds synthesized, but not automated. “Uhhh Hi? I think I'm looking for a companion bot?” “Sure! How would you rate your emotional starvation from one to ten?” Even though it's only been a week, the rate at which your apartment deteriorated into disrepair would put a bull in a china shop to shame. “...Ten” “And would you like to sign up for our alternate payment services?” Oh thank goodness. You really didn’t want to shell out too much for this. Most companies use these alternate options as a way to obtain and sell your data. A body scan or a blood donation will usually make rent much easier to pay each month if you want to buy something nice. “Yes I would.” “Great! We will have your order shipped out to you within 3-6 weeks! Have a great day!” The call ends. You never gave them a name or a shipping address? Maybe they scraped it from your IP address? You really didn't care. As long as a friend gets shipped in the mail, you would put up with anything.

March. It's been a tough few weeks. The coding commissions have been few and far between. At least the apartment complex therapist is back on call. He has really been helping you get through the emotional weeds of life. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK You peel yourself up from the chair in your office and over to the door. It's probably the neighbors again, their cat is quite the escape artist. Opening the door, standing in the hallway is a synth, with a metal box the size of a large person. If they were not a robot, you would ask to help with it, but you know that their electronic muscles are at least 100 times stronger than yours. You wish you could lift that much… “Is this the residency of anon?” “Yeah… what's this?” “Your package! Courtesy of Q.P.R.A.U. Robotics!” You had forgotten everything about that night. Getting hammered off of French nano-wine tends to do that to you. “Do I need to sign anything?” “Nope! Heres your package!” The synth walked into your apartment and placed the box right in the center of the entryway. It came down with a rather hefty thud. You already knew the downstairs neighbors would be filing a complaint. “Have a nice day! And good luck with the alternative payment services!” The synth walks out with a jolly expression. They always seem happy, probably because they are made of metal… Glancing back at the metal box in your entryway snaps your thoughts back to reality. How the hell are you going to move this anywhere? Your eyes are drawn to a blinking red button on the side you hadn't noticed before. Hopefully it’s the “Open” button and not “Self-Destruct”. With all the confidence you can muster, you press the button and wait for something to happen. An agonizing silence follows, until distinct gear turning and motor wrrring noises begin to emanate from the box. Like a birthday present made of tinfoil, the metal begins to unwrap itself and pour an unknown smoke out into your apartment. Your first thoughts are of the fire dampening systems firing off, but knowing your landlord, they probably haven't worked for years.

The smoke clears, the metal lies in a pile at your feet, and a shiny silver figure stands before you. Its form is definitely feminine in origin, but the steel plates that make up the body are all that fill your mind. They have to be at least a foot taller than you, as you stare up into its blank but imposing expression. “Uhh… Hello?” A rather cute set of chimes ring out from a circular design in the machine’s chest as pink lights spread outward from the center out to the limbs. The last line of lights to reach its goal is the one moving towards the head, as the eyes fill with light and the body hums with the moving of cogs and belts It’s head slowly turns towards you and a smile creeps up its face as a mixture of fear and excitement fills your heart.

“Hello! I'm Daniella and I'll be your new mistress!”

#robot #robot writing #robot smut #kranos' writing

[brandnewhuman]

CAN I GET THE SINCLAIR TWINS WITH A S/O THEY JUST FOUND OUT HAS A DEGREDATION KINK YES, I'M DOWN ATROCIOUS NO I DON'T REGRET IT

Y/N TRAUMATISING THE

SLASHERS ONCE AGAIN

House of wax edition

☆STARRING☆

Vincent Sinclair ☆ the sad little waxy man who is secretly the most unhinged fucker on earth but we keep looking at him like a innocent baby just because he looks submissive and breedable

Bo Sinclair ☆ greasy himbo with no working brain cells yelling at people he plans to murder that he will call the police if they don't oPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR, cause apparently ThIS IS HIS TRUCK

CONTENT:

Tw: obviously there's degrading ecc, canon violence, mentions of murder, NSFW, mentions of blood and there's definitely more so be careful

A/N: *sighs* i open requests and this IS THE FIRST THING YOU ALL ASK FOR. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ALWAYS SO HORNY BROS. YOU ALL ARE GETTING TOO DAMN COMFORTABLE WITH THIS SHIT. Where do you all get this ideas? WHERE?!. Anyways I hope you enjoy it cause it has cost me my spot in heaven and a couple of weird Google searches

BO SINCLAIR:

To think this was going to be a nice funny little blog full of fluff and angst and nice things. 

Now look at me, fueling someone foul need to be called a piece of garbage to get turned on 

YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY ABOUT BO HAVING ANGER ISSUES 

But for the sake of giving you all your horny content let's say he does have anger issues 

Yeah you already know where this is going 

The first time he found out you needed jesus in your life was, yes you guessed it, when you first came to ambrose

As soon as he saw you he knew you were going to the basement 

He felt bad for you since you seemed so nice and so shy plus you were completely Bo's type 

He would have NEVER thought you would end up acting like a SINFUL WHORE

he was going on with the whole tying you up and whatnot 

"You were not dying to get here, were you? This is what you really want behind all that shy bullshit act you have going on" 

If you were to be honest you were enjoying this 

And if you were not turned on before now you're whole brain has stopped working and you're on fire

When he heard the small moan leaving your mouth bro was almost shocked 

"Did you just.. you know what never mind" 

He tried to think that maybe he just misheard but 

YOU DID IT AGAIN AND LOUDER 

MY POOR MAN WAS HAVING A LIFE CRISIS WHILE YOU WERE HERE HAVING THE SMEXY TIME OF YOUR LIFE 

he was trying to process the whole thing while you were like: 👹 mmm yes do it again 

Bro felt the 50 shades of trauma right then right there 

and being the fucking gremlin you are you EVEN ASKED WHY HE STOPPED 

he was like "ight I'm out of here" 

He just left you there cause if you were enjoying this then there was no point 

And because honestly wtf was that y/n WHAT THE ACTUAL FACK 

Ironically enough, being so into Bo's kinky shit and being so horny is what saved you

Initially he thought you would be just a way to kill time between victim and victim and that's why he kept you around

Well, he was in for a fucking surprise 

Obviously the relationship took a more deep turn 

You still had to see Bo getting angry tho. 

You both fell in love so hard that Bo's temper improved around you

Maybe it was because with you he could do all the things that makes him feel better without feeling ashamed of it 

Today was a particularly tough day

Victims kept being rude and he had to spend an extra hour chasing them around so he wasn't really in the greatest of the moods 

So it wasn't really that much of a surprise when he went all aggressive and mean during smexy time 

You basically are free therapy for him

The more you get turned on by him talking to you worse than how he talks to jonesy the more he falls in love with you and the harder he fucks you

IM SORRY, YOU ARE FUELING THIS MAN WORST SIDE WITH THIS KINKY FUCKERY. 

WHATEVER CONSEQUENCES COMES OUT OF IT ARE ALL ON YOU 

Eventually he would say sorry and occasionally feel bad for some things he had said

He never insults you or degrades you in things he knows could actively hurt your feelings tho

And sometimes he worries about being to rough or to cruel 

You know that most kinks come from traumas ecc so he does wonder what the fuck has happened for you to be this fucking wild 

He doesn't complains tho, keep it that way y/n your beloved Bo likes the feral horny energy 

VINCENT SINCLAIR:

Not gonna lie I would like too to be called a bitch by vinny 

I would never shut up about the fact that vinny is not the fucking innocent Babe everyone makes out of him

This bitch would not hesitate to push your head down for a blow job if he deems you're being too much of a brat 

I JUST FEEL THAT DEPENDING ON HIS MOOD HE DECIDES WHEN AND HOW TO BE A TOP

And this is one of those occasions where he decided how and when to be a mean top

You have been pestering him all day, distracting him from work he has to do

so now he is pissed because not only he has like too many pending wax figures to do but he can't focus anymore with you around

He literally grabs you by the wrists and looks at you deep in the eyes 

Now vin can't really talk much. We all know that but it's like…

His whole demeanour gives off so much without even speaking

Like you just know he's calling you a fucking whore without even have to ask 

He was not really mad at you but kind of irritated and tbh he didn't meant to be so aggressive but you have pushed all his buttons 

I- he was certainly surprised but not disappointed 

You tried so hard to hide your reaction but vinny can read you like an open book 

It only takes one look at your eyes, the red on your cheeks and how you wiggled slightly under his gaze trying to tone down yourself and keep at bay your inner turmoil

THIS UNHINGED FUCKER IS NOT HAVING ANY MERCY 

Would it been a different situation where he was not feeling this dominant he would have just caught fire in front of you

But now? Rip your horny soul my friend

he just keeps staring at you until you, keeping you in place using his hands, until you just get too worked up and can't hold it anymore

As soon as you divert your gaze from his a smirk is forming under the mask and he slightly tilts his head to the side amused by your curious reaction 

Picture this PICTURE FUCKING THIS

Every time he notice you getting more and more turned on by him being mean the more he denies you to come until you're practically begging him to do it 

And if you even try to move in any sort of way to help yourself he will be punish you even more

He would do everything he can to ensure you won't be able to bother him while working for a good few hours 

I just feel that from now on this whole thing would be a huge inside joke between you and him

He would put you in the most embarrassing situations cause he has no fucking chill 

But in the end it all works well cause both of you are having lots of sinful fun

Like Bo he would never use anything really hurtful against you 

But unlike Bo he would never feel that bad for being mean

Cause everytime he has to do this is because you're acting like a WHORE AND NOT LETTING HIM FINISH HIS WORK

The wax play combined with this stuff? 10/10 

#slasher community #slasher fandom #slashers #slasher fanfiction #horror movies #slasher x reader #slasher headcanons #bo sinclair #vincent sinclair #bo sinclair x reader #sinclair brothers #vincent sinclair x reader #brian van holt #house of wax #slasher

[vtmgremlin]

Baldur's Gate has over taken my life

So here's a long ass rant about Astarion because I love him so much my heart bursts with love and joy for this man (Everything will be spoilers under the cut so if you have not completed the game make sure you DO NOT read this LOL)

So...I'm not someone who usually rants like this on my blog but it's my blog and well free will is everything so let's go : )

What I really want to talk about is about how much the trauma and his abuse must have warped his mind...over 200 years of it, I can barley comprehend the past 23 for myself but 200 years

Like no wonder he treats everyone a certain way, no wonder his first reaction is to "go hurt someone", perhaps it maybe was in his nature beforehand(?) but we don't know and I don't think he really recalls either! (other than the fact that he was a magistrate all those years ago, which to me, is still kinda funny to think about hehe, but thats most likely because he wasn't the person we meet in BG3)

And thats the thing, once you help him over come the black mass and you enter the cutscene with him and he shares his old grave to you- I almost assumed that maybe it would have been old family members besides him...but no, just himself. Who was Astarion before his embrace? I suppose it doesn't matter anymore since after that moment he resigns that life and proclaims his past self long dead but...the mind does wander at times.

It does make me sad, how it seems as though he must pick and I suppose it's just me being jaded with the idea that one must sacrifice happiness to do the right thing- when idk the idea of having your cake and eating it too it something he deserves after again- 200 YEARS- of horrid abuse

This is NOT to say that I approve of him becoming evil lord 9000, but rather a catapult into the last option you get to say to him at the end of it all with his final cutscene where he asks you "What do you want?"

There is an option where you can suggest that the both of you continue to search for ways to let him walk into the sun together again and if you choose that well he does seem delighted and exclaims if there is a chance he will seize it no matter what (and that it will lead to more adventures together hehe).

My idea was that what if...it was actually a road to having him regain his humanity, you know? Bring him back to life as our dear evanessence would say- and I don't mean that he must sacrifice something to have this and he must suffer more blah blah blah I MEAN SERIOUSLY!

It was a sorta "final adventure", the gangs all here and somehow it becomes more than just that for our beloved vampire man (because of course it does), but at the end of the day, after possibly IDK saving the world for a second time perhaps LMAO- he gets to finally be rewarded :,))

He fought and fought hard, began the road to self acceptance and love, to slowly heal himself with the help of your BG3 character..to finally be rewarded to breathe air again.

To eat again, to feel the blood rush to his cheeks again- his heart pumping again. More than just walking into the sunlight without harm, but to be able to gain from it. To be alive again...

I could rant more and most likely will later but, I love him so much LOL him standing up to Cazador, his abuser, the way he did, I was shaking because the idea of being able to do such a thing to my own is just unthinkable...he deserves much love :, ( and is worthy of so much patience and understanding.

I am going to draw alot of him and Vyhann, who is my Bard BG3 half-elf, together and just in general if y'all aren't happy with that I understand LOL and anyways if you've read this far my god I would apologize but you've done this to yourself skdjfnskdjnfjdf

#I am very much mentally hinged do not fear #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #he makes me so happy bro

[hazelnut-u-out]

Ring of Fire - 4

oh my GOD, sorry for the delay. life has just been chewing me up and spitting me out lately and i had a vision for this chapter that i had to execute.

anyway, idk if it's my best work. i've been in a weird brain fog lately, so i might rewrite this one at some point bc it's my blog and i can do what i want >:(

anywayyyyy...

drugs, alcohol, brief mentions of suicide, etc.

-4081 words

Synopsis:

The boys get ready to move on, but Birdperson has an idea...

You got me feeling like James Dean High on your honey suckle day dream Climb on the back of my iron steed The night is an open road Dumpster fire sky line Leave all of that pain behind Your arms wrapped around mine How fast do you want to go? Sad Cowboys and Rock and Roll

-Sad Cowboys and Rock and Roll by Van Andrew

-----

The desert morning hung closely to Birdperson’s burly form as he lay capsized in the sand at Rick’s feet. 

Rick grumbled something incomprehensible even to himself as he teetered on the heels of his toughened boots, his spurs jingling slightly as he pressed them further down into the earth. He might have felt himself sway with something other than the warming undertow of the liquor he pulled greedily from his flask at the sight, but he shook away the thought– his pale cobalt hair falling leisurely to frame his face and play with his lashes. 

His stubble was rough in a way that rivaled his seasoned fingers as they came up to scratch along his jaw. 

There was a misunderstanding, Rick thought, about why people drink. Sure, he occasionally chased that dull ache for the promise of relief, but Rick was under the assumption that the most common misconception about why people succumbed to that inherent need to numb themselves was that it was done in the search of something better. 

Maybe some people drank to feel better, but Rick drank to feel worse. It numbed what he felt— his lips, his fingers, his nose— but only served to amplify his innermost aching. He found that he could read his thoughts far more clearly when he was too drunk to focus on everything else that life saddled his senses with— and horrible thoughts, they were. 

He thought about three nights before– what he’d done; what a selfish fucking monstrosity he could never seem to stop himself from blossoming into– and tenderly brought that same unsteady hand to press against a potent knot of yellowing violet along his ribcage. He relished in the wince it drew from him. 

The bad part? He couldn’t even say he felt worse about killing that Gromflomite than he did anything else he’d done. 

Being fucked up may not have been a justification for the bitter poison that was who he was, but he hoped it could one day serve as a precursor to some semblance of redemption. 

Rick just prayed that he’d eventually be able to see a reason for pointing that gun at others instead of pulling the trigger on himself.

Blood and gore seemed to flow in every divet his boots carved along the ground– no matter the planet, or solar system, or universe– and Rick was so tired of feeling like someone he couldn’t trust himself with. He was broken in a way that demanded company– shattered in a way that wrecked others.

He hoped those rivers of scarlet painted a picture of peace.

At some point.

It was probably something to do with his incessant compulsion to destroy that had taught him to appreciate the serenity that found its way to him in that moment. It was probably something akin to that sting along his tired bones that let his eyes hemorrhage such fondness over the man below him now.

Birdperson was curled up on his side, facing away from Rick– wings wrapped tightly around himself and his nose poking out from the mess of plume ever so slightly. He faced both of the men’s hats where they lay in the dirt, his snores light as they danced out to brush along the felt. 

Rick cracked a smile– partly at the thought of how soft the most jagged man he knew was in that moment; partly at the fact that he could still appreciate such softness. 

It’s a funny thing, that burning deep inside of you that begs you to right your wrongs– that implores you to bend down, reach out, and run one scarred hand along the downy, blood-caked exterior of your friend’s healing wing. 

Rick knew there was no reason for staying here anymore. There was nothing they could do here.

He had a feeling that Birdperson knew that, too— and that was part of the reason he’d spent the last three days drunk and high; complicit in Rick’s downward spiral. 

Or maybe he was spiraling, too. 

Maybe they spiraled together.

It was time to go, and Rick cursed himself for ruining a damn good thing. 

He knew that if he’d had a chance like that, he’d… Well, he would’ve killed the man who got between himself and justice.

So, it was with gentle chagrin that he closed one hand around his resting companion’s taught shoulder and shook. 

The sand that stirred up in the wake of Birdperson’s sluggish movement cascaded down in quaint little formations, skimming along the pathways of morning sunlight that slipped through the cracks of Rick’s rising hand. 

Rick took another swig from his flask, the drink no longer carrying the same painful spark as it coated his leaden, swollen tongue and sunk down into the heat of his tumultuous belly. 

Birdperson muttered something quiet and demure as his dusty lids made way for life, melting a bit of Rick that had been frozen beneath the icy blanket of intoxication that swaddled him in familiar comfort. 

A breath passed, and Rick observed as his friend slowly gained that speckle of sentience that flitted away during deep sleep after a good cry.

Rick listened to the sounds Birdperson made as he rustled along the floor, stretching on wobbly legs and fixing the buttons of his blue shirt. 

Rick didn’t bother to put on his leather vest, but simply bent over and let his hand find purchase along his cattleman. 

“Sanchez?” Rick heard his friend croak out behind him, turning to find him standing in the orange cast of the sun, his own belongings thrown over one forearm. 

“Hmmm?” Rick replied, pressing one filthy palm to the center of his forehead. 

“Are we leaving?”

Something about that question– perhaps the way the other man’s voice wavered with that sort of disappointment one swallows when they’re forced to forfeit their efforts in exchange for spit and dirt– pulled Rick’s heart down to the soles of his feet, where it sat heavily and begged to anchor him to the planet. 

Rick wriggled against those invisible ties, wound tighter by his friend’s sorrowful eyes, and forced himself to give a brief nod– a minute expression that anyone could have missed if they’d blinked. 

His partner made a strange sort of gurgling sound before clearing his throat, and though hurt flashed along his features, Rick couldn’t help but think that there was a kindness there that he didn’t deserve. 

A willingness to forgive, or maybe something already rooted in the tender touch of understanding, that went against everything Rick thought he could stomach. 

He took another drink. 

“Are you… drunk?” Birdperson inquired meekly, something in his tone teetering along a line of hope that Rick knew his friend was too smart to place much purchase on. 

Without answering, Rick shoved his flask into the burlap tote laying against one of the logs, and picked up his withered guitar. 

It had once been painted blue, too, but was now a pallid sort of brown, and the grain of the wood prickled the pads of his fingers as the cool strings kissed his palm. 

“Just…” Rick began with a sigh, trailing off for a moment with another swoon. He couldn’t wait to shower. “Just get the ship, man…”

“Your nose looks… better.” An anchor sunk the words— heavy and thick. Rick could tell from the weight of it that Birdperson was sober now, but he’d known that already.

He’d learned the other man always managed to pull himself together more quickly, like he was either less broken or more accustomed to the art of lying to himself. 

BP extended a hand slowly, almost as if he were going to caress the injury, but Rick pulled back from the touch. 

He didn’t deserve pity. 

Or comfort. 

Or a friend. 

The look that flashed across Birdperson’s features was one Rick knew the emotion behind well, and it curdled something in his gut to know that anyone would dare to feel guilty for beating the shit out of someone as deserving of it as himself. 

“Very well.” 

Rick took the few moments spent by his partner retrieving the pocket ship from his own saddle bag to press his palms into his eyes. 

For three days, it had felt like the world was ending. The sky had burned a deep coral, even in the evening— as if the world was on fire everywhere except for their little shelter. The air around them twisted and bent to the ebb of distant music, and they flowed into one another without touching… 

Much. 

Without touching much. 

Rick could still feel Birdperson’s muscular hands lighting sparks along his arms as he held him steady. He could still sense the silky feathers of his friend’s head grazing his stomach as he curled into a heap on his lap. The heat of another being seeped past his sinewed skin and warmed his tired bones. 

“Rick?”

BP’s delicate voice startled him from his thoughts, and Rick jumped a bit before turning towards the sound. 

“Yeah?” It came out quieter than he would have liked, but he tried to shake off that sickening feeling of falling into himself. 

“I want to take you somewhere,” Birdperson said flatly in a way that was difficult for Rick to read. “Tonight. Before we go.” 

Rick would have followed him anywhere— so, of course, he agreed to follow him to dusk. 

…..

The sun was barely flush with the horizon from Rick’s perch on the edge of the stream. 

He felt clean. 

For the first time in forever, he genuinely felt clean. 

He’d convinced BP to let him make a quick trip into town to snag some soap— it was a deep aquamarine bar that carried a musky floral scent— while his counterpart found a suitable alcove to open the pocket ship for a moment and retrieve some clean clothes. 

Rick thought he looked rather silly in Birdperson’s garments— they were too baggy on his twig-like frame, and they weren’t… nice clothes, by any means.

Rick was nervous about whatever event Birdperson had planned. If there were to be people, he would be severely underdressed during a Festival event. 

And eaten alive for being a gendered organism, but that was a rant for a different time.

Rick still couldn’t figure out how his friend had managed to grab two sets of his own clothes, but he didn’t want to be rude by insisting he risk detection again just for a pair of his own. 

Now, Rick’s bare toes kissed the cool babbling water as he slouched forward— finally sobering up. His hair was still slightly wet and clinging to his cheekbones, and he was freshly shaven and hidden in the tent of a white tee. Rick was thankful he’d had his own belt handy, as it held up BP’s large jeans, even though he’d had to roll them up about five times at his ankles. 

It was… comfortable.

The clothes smelled like his friend— like freshly baked bread and cinnamon sugar with a sharp undertone of sweat— and the slits along the back let the warm breeze brush along his bruised skin. 

Rick closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the desert air. It was surprisingly crisp and lightening in its trip through his body– something he was still getting used to feeling in any sense. 

Placing his hands behind him flat along the ground, he leaned back onto them at an angle as if to ask the sun to light him up on stage. 

Gather ‘round, all! Rick Sanchez has a moment of peace. 

A born performer. 

The gentle smack of his hat onto his face roused him from his thoughts– the roars of the crowd withering back into the recesses of his mind. 

“Do I look alright?” His partner implored, and Rick let out a small giggle as he pushed the brim of his hat up to set properly on his head, turning his cheek to face the other man at his right. 

It’s a strange thing, that moment you realize you’re coming down from a lengthy buzz and you really see someone again for the first time. 

That sensation all men experience when they look at their friend, freshly shaven and glowing; when their heart catches in their throat and threatens to pull them under on its plummet back down. 

Rick thought he’d never be able to gather the air to speak. 

Birdperson stood in the gentle ochre of the setting sun, the edges of his plume burning a deep auburn– the bandage around his wing the only indication of his tumble from heaven. For a moment, Rick questioned if the wings along his lower back truly were a divine depiction, as he’d initially thought. 

Just like an angel to be so humble. 

His partner wore a long-sleeved blue thermal, nearly identical in shade to Rick’s hair while wet, tucked into a pair of faded denim jeans. His belt buckle glistened in the beam of light and he wore his usual tan armitas over it all. His boots were already on, spurs barely touching the dirt, and his hands were tucked deep into his front pockets– his shoulders pushed forward as if he were nervous. 

“Well?” he prompted once again, shaking Rick from his study. 

He was a man of science, afterall. It was only natural for him to record variables. 

“Mhmm,” Rick hummed more timidly than he’d expected, lowering his gaze to where his own fingers played in the sand at his side. Why did his cheeks burn? He wasn’t blushing, was he? “Ya look good.”

“You’re just saying that,” Birdperson replied, a jouncy tone to his voice as he extended one hand down in front of Rick’s face– an offer. 

Rick hesitated, only for a moment, before bringing his hand up to lay in his companion's palm. BP’s warm fingers closed around his own, sending a bolt of electricity up Rick’s arm as he was pulled up to his feet. 

“How many times do we have to go over this?” Rick chuckled, pulling his hand back and shoving it into his back pocket. “Nunca te mentiría, baby.” He winked, trying to gather some semblance of the usual charm he carried when flirting playfully with his partner. 

Like all men do. 

It was Rick’s turn to notice the blush that rose to Birdperson’s cheeks as he tucked his chin back in a bashful grin, twisting the toe of his boot into the earth. 

“Put your boots on, Sanchez. I’ve got somewhere to take you.”

......

The ride into the sunset was something Rick thought only existed in those old western romance films. The wind bristled past both of the men, and Rick let out a howl– a breathing, living thing on its own– into that great expanse of the unknown. 

They rode side-by-side on their equore, and Rick couldn’t resist throwing his arms out at his sides as he called out to the heavens above. 

Or beyond. Wherever they were. He wasn’t sure– but something about this moment had him believing they existed. 

The drag of the air pulled on the tips of his fingers and he smiled, closing his eyes and trusting that the growing night would eat him alive. 

It was nights like these that had him hoping he'd die young. 

He felt the warmth of a calloused hand brushing against the outstretched fingers at his left, and he knew who it was. Birdperson let out a hearty laugh– probably the first time either of them had laughed so sincerely since the events three days prior– and Rick couldn’t calm that little spirit within him that beckoned him to do the same. 

Red dust rose in dramatic clouds all around them as a purple cast fell over the cooling landscape– the huffing and puffing of the two animals carrying them and the smack of their clawed talons upon the ground the epic backdrop to the ballad they wrote together in that moment. 

“Rick! Stand with me!” Birdperson yelled, and Rick looked over at his friend. Birdperson was wide-eyed with a cheshire grin. Rick smiled back, an unhinged frenzied thing, but a flash of hesitance engulfed him. Something about his expression must have betrayed his fear, or maybe it was the way his grip tightened around BP’s fingers, because his companion called out again. “Trust me!”

Rick nodded. 

Rick followed BP’s lead, his friend’s stare warm and assuring. His feet weighed down the stirrups, and then… 

They were standing. Rick shrieked in impish delight– the world whirring by him like a deafening roar– and Birdperson stared back at him, something soft and tender in his gaze. 

Something that qualmed Rick’s laughter and made such a raucous moment feel like the most serene thing he’d ever experienced. 

“We’re almost there!” Birdperson declared, looking forward and jutting his chin towards the horizon pointedly. 

Rick followed his gaze, drunk on something more bubbly than whisky and more heady than scotch, and his heart nearly careened outward. 

A haze of neon mulberry light swathed a watery skyline. Distant music– a slow, chilling thrum– now meandered its way to Rick’s ears. The silhouette of hundreds of small stilt buildings hovered over the water– a city. If he squinted, Rick could have sworn he saw swarms of bodies milling about. 

“Pile dwellings?” Rick called out in inquiry. 

“The City of the Lost!” Birdperson said in answer. “They’re everyone the Blessed rejects! It’s Festival of the Lost! We’re free here!”

Rick’s heart fluttered.

….

It had been an endless night, and Rick lost Birdperson somewhere amongst the writhing crowd of tentacles and scales.

He’d lost his hat, too. 

Most of the aliens around him were Warekin– short in stature and boney scaled things. He shivered in the range of their glittering, three-eyed gazes as he gyrated along with them to the shrill bass of the music. Some of the other species he didn’t recognize, but it hardly mattered.

He was sweaty and high– on what, he didn’t know– and the neon buzz engulfed everyone who dared to wander out onto the dance floor of the hovering square. 

It was freeing, being surrounded by so many creatures who showered love and devotion over whatever other moving things teetered within their path. Rick lost count of how many mouths he’d discovered; how many bodies he’d felt; how many drugs he’d taken– but he knew he would never stop. 

Until he did. 

There, about twenty paces ahead, somewhere within the fog of smoke and inebriating essence of sex, was his bird. 

God, had he always been this beautiful? Had he always been such a slave to the moonlight– to the undercurrent of music?

Where had his shirt gone? 

Did his muscles always glisten so enticingly?

All Rick knew was where he had to be– who he wanted to feel next to him– and so he pushed through the mess of wriggling bodies until he could close one hand around Birdperson’s own. 

“Dance with me?” Rick sighed into the other man’s ear– his breath hot and tense along BP's neck. 

Rick could smell him, and he drank it in. They were but one more prop in a sea of bodies, and Rick reveled in it. 

“Rick!” Birdperson slurred, pulling Rick into his chest a little too-hard by the joining of their hands. “Where’ve you been? You look good in my clothes!” 

BP let out a trifling little hiccup sound, giggling and bringing both of his hands up to rest on Rick’s shoulders. 

The music slowed– or maybe it didn’t. Maybe it was just something about the look the two men shared that slowed everything. 

Rick didn’t care.

He settled both of his arms around Birdperson’s waist and pulled them flush together, splaying his hands out along his companion's center back. 

Never had bare skin felt more alive to Rick than in that moment. 

Rick looked up at Birdperson, at how the amethyst brilliance grazed his features so lovingly, and he thought he could explode. His heart thundered– not just in his ears, but in every part of him– and his skin was vibrating, like a magnet begging to be pulled even closer. 

Maybe he’d make a home in his friend’s ribs. 

“Here,” Birdperson panted, bringing one hand up and tucking Rick’s head beneath his own chin. Rick closed his eyes as BP’s other arm engulfed his shoulders. 

He was so strong. So much stronger. 

Rick let himself be lulled along with Birdperson’s swaying, slow and ingratiating, drinking in his scent. 

Birdperson didn’t move his hand from the back of Rick’s head, instead opting to run his fingers through his hair mindlessly. 

It felt neverending and like no time had passed at all. Rick thought he could stay here forever– nothing but an extension of a loner who wasn’t so lonely anymore. 

Where some people drank to feel better, Rick drank to feel worse.

Now, though... Birdperson was the sweetest drink he'd ever tasted, and he thought that maybe it could be okay to feel better.

Just once.

“Do… D’ya think I’m like… cursed or so–some shit?” Rick drawled out, nearly drooling along the exposed flesh of Birdperson’s collarbone. 

“Cursed?” Birdperson asked, resting his cheek atop Rick’s mop of tangled hair. 

“Yeah,” Rick answered, dragging his hands up BP’s back slowly to find a home just beneath the juncture of his wings and his shoulders. He could hear the other man’s breath hitch, his heart pulsing back to life beneath his ribs. “‘Cause everyone I love k-keeps fuckin’ dying.”

Rick said it with a laugh– something bubbly in him twisting his mind enough to appreciate the absurdity of it all. 

“No,” Birdperson replied after a moment. “I think maybe you’re just… easy to fall into.” Rick snickered a bit, nuzzling further into the crook of BP’s shoulder. His lips grazed over the flesh as he spoke again. 

“So, I’m like a hole?”

“You’re more like… like your bottles, I guess,” Birdperson swung. “Here, put your feet on mine.”

Rick did as he was told, collapsing fully onto the muscular form before him and allowing his partner to move for the two of them now. 

He felt like he could drift off here, soaking in the warmth that seeped into him where they touched. 

“What the fuck’s that s’posed to mean?” Rick breathed out, barely audible over the music. 

“You don’t let people stop before they reach the bottom.”

“Hmmm…” Rick was starting to feel a little nauseous, the darkness behind his lids twisting into a weird sensation. “It– It’s not about making it to the bottom… It’s about drowning on the way down, I think.”

Birdperson laughed this time, the deep rumble running through Rick’s frame. 

He felt like jelly. Like a cup of gelatin. 

“I like to swim,” Birdperson whispered along Rick’s hair. 

Rick shivered. 

“I hope I die soon.” Rick said it sweetly– thick and dripping with honey– as he smiled into Birdperson’s shoulder. 

“Why?”

BP pulled Rick back a bit by his shoulders, and Rick whined, cracking open his eyes to meet his friend’s gaze. He looked serious. 

“Why’d ya do that?” Rick fretted sluggishly against the restraint.

“Answer me.” 

“I’d just hate to wonder what would’ve happened if…if–” Rick looked at his friend’s lips before trailing off, trying to clamber his way back into the warmth of BP’s chest with little success. 

“If what?” Birdperson asked, a bit of his hardened expression faltering– probably at realizing just how out of it Rick really was. 

“If… If I had…” Rick trailed off again, flitting a quick glance back up at Birdperson’s gaze before making a decision. 

Rick threw himself forward– closing his eyes and pushing himself upward on his toes. 

Suddenly, Birdperson’s lips were on his own. 

His lips were more plush than Rick had expected. He could feel his own chapped equivalents scratching their velvety surface. 

It was chaste and innocent. 

Shy. 

Tender.

Rick waited for the moment Birdperson pulled away– pushed him off; called him ‘disgusting’ and told him he’d fucked everything up, but–

But then…

Those rough hands left his shoulders and found their way to his cheeks. BP cupped his face gently for hands so worn, and tilted forward into the touch, pulling at his jaw. 

It hurt Rick’s purpled nose a bit, but he didn’t care. 

He could smell the alcohol and cinnamon on his counterpart’s breath– could taste the whiskey on his lips– and Rick relaxed as he bled into him. 

The music didn’t stop, and neither did they. 

------

#rick and morty #birdrick #rick sanchez #birdperson #my fic #ring of fire

[a-mag-a-day]

Thoughts about mag56: rant version.

Ok, first at all, i genuinely don't understand how many people on this relisting are—upset? With Jon reaction towards Martin, in one part i can understand on how, even in much later on the series is never fully discussed Jonathan's heated to Martin, some people are ignoring the fact our protagonist aren't exactly on a healthy mindset on this point, our guy is paranoid, is tired and has recently discovered he's into something so much bigger than just Prentiss incident, is volatile, has flaws as everyone on tma, some are forgetting that this show on its core, is broken people.

I don't excuse or something like that his character, but understand that on his situation: is on point, has sense on the narrative.

And before someone's says this, no, im not invalidating your own thoughts on this episode, but this is my personal take.

Set this aside, now /the actual thoughts/

"All I know is, these days I can almost smell the blood coming off them." We can now put Trevor on alignment char, Hunt guy :")

Out of context but before doing my own relistings motivated by this blog, i got my boyfriend started listening to tma and he can't still get away this guy is named Trevor and is a hunter, vampire hunter. . . Sounds familiar with certain saga of games, huh🤔

"The fact that I was able to kill normal people reassures me that the creatures I hunt are real. Do you understand?" you sure that is justified, my fine homeless sir?

"Heroin is calm. It’s a small chunk of peace in a world that’s full of nothing but hard edges[...]" On now, random information about drugs: Heroin is an opioid drug made from morphine, a natural substance taken from the seed pod of the various opium plants, so indeed, one of the normal reactions on the effect is this sense of calm

"Perhaps if my mind hadn’t been so fogged with brown I might have beaten it out, or perhaps if I hadn’t been so dead eager to kill another vampire[...]" Our Hunt guy khows very well something's off, not with the world around, but with this thirst on hunting down, on killing, at least is a realisation.

" After that I spent over a decade in a very serious spiral. I don’t remember much of it[...]" Fuzzy feeling and memory gaps are part of getting out of the hunt? 🤔

First, worm paranoid lady and now we have human disguise to spiders !! Amazings costumes tho

"She was still standing upright, but from the open mouth, I could see that her body was completely hollow, save for a few cobwebs that I could just make out under the streetlights." Okey but guys, TRY TO imagine this scene, is the most raw thing ever.

"But if there’s other stuff around out there… maybe you know more about it than me." Don't worry Trevor, my guy, this guys totally understand and khows very much

"As for the spider person, the only proof of its existence seems to be that I am far too unlucky for it to simply be an old tramp hallucination." Jon my brother you are indeed the clown of luck

MARTIN: I was 17, my mum, she had – she had some problems and I ended up dropping out of school trying to support us. –> I always forgot this fact that Martin lived really an unpleasant family situation, there's in the whole series just hints on his more personal life, but always give me the most sad ideas:(

" [slight laugh] Right, I–I… uh… I believe you. " Man is to broke and tired, he needs to believe anything that resembles to normality.

I get where you're coming from and I get where other people come from. Different people react differently to Jon's outburst and that's perfectly valid, this podcast has dark themes that touch people personally in different ways, especially when it pertains to the characters they love and sympathize with <3

#a mag a day #tma #the magnus archives #episode asks #mod ashes #tma spoilers #mag 56 #serazephyr

[petitprincess1]

Bro was legit trying to say what he liked about Belos and then you have the nerve to be rude. Tf?

Buddy, chum, pal, amigo, listen: I have made my thoughts very clear on how I feel about parts of the finale. All public posts, especially to those who follow my blog. I am expecting everyone to know, no. But, at the same time, if you come across a post where someone is airing out their disappointment...maybe don't reply that you're happy "x" happened??? Like, good for you and all. You're perfectly allowed to have your own opinion.....but this is not the post nor blog to be saying that.

I'm sorry, but I'm not just gonna agree. So, like, I don't know what you want me to say x3

The same goes for the people who legit have a visceral reaction that I like Belos. Again, you're allowed to dislike Belos, meaning I'm fully allowed to like him and feel sad about his poorly handled death scene. You don't agree? Cool. Move along. Like, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to agree with your words. I see where you're coming from, but just stop.

Also, stop making it seem like me liking Belos is akin to liking Hitler. Like, no. Yes, Belos wanted to kill an entire race and that is shitty......but he's also a fictional character. Hitler wore the blood of 6 million people's lives, some of which had not been able to experience life or died by experimentation. I'm sorry that you THINK that someone who likes Belos's character is the same as wishing his genocide plan worked. That's not at all that's happening here.

And, yes, people find him attractive. Cope and seethe.

#the owl house #toh criticism #toh fandom #ask answered #ok 2 rb #tw holocaust mention #tw implied death #tw holocaust

[respirationalactress]

Monday night/ cancer new moon/ at 4:30am my dog cried for the cold

A mental block I have RE starting a blog is - what if I have nothing to say? And I rarely do, in the way that I never write; but I always do, in the way that I'm always talking. But I want to be writing, and I've listened to like 5 episodes of This Jungian Life pod recently, so I'm making a dream analysis blog in the hopes that my nonconscious dream mind will prompt the things that my hyper-conscious writing mind is too stage-frightened to type. An aspirational writing practice.

I was on a camping trip with my family, and I went to the top of the hill, where there was a servo. A delivery boy, a teenager, drove up to me. He had a parcel for me, but he was confused by the name. He was reading the company name, Vevoke. I didn't really care about the package, it was something for my old workplace, but I thought the kid seemed nice, so I asked him to show me around the town, and he did. I asked, don't you have more deliveries to make? He shrugged, no, I only had two or three deliveries today, and I get paid by the hour so I may as well take a while.

I had a nice time driving around with him. I could tell he could tell I was queer, and I felt an affinity with him, like we both knew that if two gays could randomly find each other in front of a small town servo and drive around some streets together in the afternoon then... idk, anything would be possible etc. It was nice. I dropped him off near the servo and went back down the hill to where my family had set up camp. It turns out my brother knew the kid somehow.

This is bringing up for me a queering the map flavour of nostalgia. The kid in my dream wasn't anyone I know in real life, and it's not the first time I've created friends in my dream. Often I create people I crush hard on, but this time I had a more maternal, maybe even fraternal feeling towards him. It's interesting that the character was so specifically a teenager who could drive and had a job. These were things I wanted when I was young and living in a small town. In comparison, there is a very specific mention of my old job in the dream. I'd just had dinner with a friend from that job in the irl hours before the dream, and we were talking about our boss, a deeply repressed, deeply misogynistic, trenchantly evil older gay man. I remember once he shouted "FUCK THEM IN THE ARSE" in a meeting, after hearing we got a leg up on our competitors. As someone relatively new to arse-fucking at the time, I felt so angry that a gay man would evoke it as a kind of capitalistic, domineering... man thing. Now I feel sad for him. Maybe he really does think anal sex is so abhorrent; maybe he and his partner only treat each other like mates until the lights are off, until they're drunk?

I like that in my dream I wasn't needed as some wise person who could help the kid step into his queerness or figure anything out. Being gay was never even talked about. In fact, it was the kid who had something to give me, in the form of a parcel, which I didn't really care much for except for that it brought us both into a presence with each other, where the presence and normalcy of a tension free gay friendship is what was needed. I think about this in the context of the pressure I feel by my desires to mother a child, to let them grow up with the whole freedom of their own self. I think about this in the context of the anger I felt at my dog, crying at 4:30am in the cold, crying for the heat of a proximate body, not needing me to fix anything, just needing me.

I dream of a world where young gay kids only have a few things to do as they cruise around town, where they can run into other queers and not feel the shame drilled into them push fear and blood into their faces, push them away from remembering the world at the top of the hill, the world that their bodies promised them, which was always theirs, to make echoes, to befriend, to arse-fuck in........

P.S. We need to save Colleen Ballinger's brother's dancing child.......

P.P.S. God save my little brother, a sparkie who has always somehow known about the gayness.

#dreams #jung #gay friendship #pet dog #proximity

[verpaine]

I remember the times you cried in the bathroom, Rimbaud, because the blood would not wash out from your clothes, and the fabric had been stained. I did not understand, it wasn't that hard to wash a simple article of clothing. But you seemed to spiral at the sight of crimson splatter on ivory. Your eyes grew full of guilt and regret and the words were stolen from my very throat. I didn't know what to do, or say, so I just held you until the streams of salty tears ceased its way down your cheeks, rosy and flushed from the exertion of your sobbing and breakdown. Even as a spy, you felt every ounce of guilt and pain and regret, and you were true, beautiful human. I hated it. You got to be human, to feel this guilt, regret over those you've hurt. I viewed it all as a means to an end. Why should the ants be cried ocer if stepped upon? And then you showed me true human heart, clutched my false one in your hands and breathed your life into it and it's not fair, Arthur. I hate this. Why do I now have to feel regret over you dying, feel sad and sob the same way you did because you're no longer with me. It's the human thing to be sorry, sorry for the fighting, for the coldness, for the violence, for all of the ways I failed to treat you right, but I cannot be. I'm not, and I didn't do it out of a sadistic cruelty either. It was just how I was and why should I change that to be human, to be something I wasn't and never will truly be. But I am sorry for you dying. I'm sorry that it wasn't by my hands, that I wasn't there, that I never treated you as I should've, as you deserved for putting up with such shit from me. For leaving Chuuya, leaving you, because the prospect of being human, even though you were trying to introduce me to the idea of a decade, was too unnatural. It was impossible for me, and that's what I'm sorry for. But, what can I do. I'm in a basement, training assassins, staying away from the outside. With nothing to do but write, or read, or sleep. I don't know anymore.

The feather soft brush of your lips against steaming tea,

Earl Grey rippling melancholy waves through porcelain,

Delicate start to cold spring's dawn, a chill making your cheeks rosy,

Topaz-sapphire gaze deep, how can a human be so free?

I cannot understand, how on such a simple morning day

You smile tenderly with shivering hands that have stolen life, and say

"Good morning, Verlaine. Did you sleep well?" How dare you utter those simplistic words?

Like I hadn't fallen in love the night before, and the one before that, too.

You finish with,

"Happy birthday."

And I fall apart.

Sorry, I may be rusty at poetry. I have only recently formed, you see. Maybe I'll fill this journal? Blog? With poetry.

A journal would be nice.

#verlaine fictive #🥀 | romances sans paroles #i will use that tag for my poetry #if i do any more #paul verlaine fictive #rimlaine fictive #stormbringer fictive

[friendofbats]

Ooh, I love to hear your thoughts on Linus from Stardew Valley

Thank you so much for the ask, Emerald! 💕

I know my blog is primarily Harvest Moon, but it's really cool that I get to talk about Stardew a little bit here. :) Here are some of my thoughts on him (from the questions on the linked ask game above):

How I feel about this character: I love Linus. Out of all the characters in Stardew Valley, he is EASILY my favorite, even more so than Sebastian and Haley (and believe me, I adore them). He's a kindhearted soul, nonjudgmental, and just trying to make it by in life. All he asks is that nobody judge him in return. Plus, he has an air of intrigue around him -- the fact that he's friends with the Wizard makes me think he's not all human, that maybe he has magical abilities too. Considering there are monsters and dwarves in Pelican Town, it wouldn't surprise me at all.

All the people I ship romantically with him: To be honest… I don't really ship him with anyone. I don't really see him as the romantic type in the first place. Having said that, if he was ever made an available bachelor, you bet your ass I'd be going after him haha. I guess you could say I ship him with the farmer!

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: -- Linus & Farmer -- Every time I play this game, I make sure to become Linus's friend first lol. I can't help myself! He's such a softie. He's also pretty easy to befriend, since he enjoys most of the things in the forest (including salmonberries!), so why not? :) -- Linus & Wizard -- I LOVE that this is part of the game. I really want to know why Linus and Wizard are friends, and I touched on this earlier, but I do wonder if the friendship has something to do with (in my theory) not entirely human. Maybe he's an apprentice or wizard in disguise? Maybe they're related??? Either way, I love the idea that they are close somehow, whether it be because they're friends or because they're blood related in some way. I feel like the two must understand each other better than anyone else. :) -- Linus & Gus -- I know these are all canon friendships, although I guess you can't really call Gus and Linus "friends". It's really more that Gus treats Linus with respect and kindness and offers him fresh food anytime he wants. But I could see a really good friendship coming out of it. I bet Linus would have TONS of stories to tell Gus, and Gus would happily listen and enjoy what he has to say. Gus is a character I hugely respect too because of how he treats Linus… especially since everyone else in town seems to either ignore him or pretend like he's subhuman, which kind of makes me sad (although, unfortunately, it is kind of realistic).

My unpopular opinion about this character: Hmm… y'know, I don't know if I have any? I feel like my opinions about him tend to be pretty popular -- he's a pretty well-loved character in the fandom (for good reason lmao). I guess one thing I'll say that I know gets talked about every once in a while is... I DON'T think Linus is the one who pick-pockets from you when you pass out from exhaustion. He has no need for your possessions and he's nowhere near that malicious and two-faced, so why would he bother? I really think the thieves are outsiders (or hell, it could be Louis lol).

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character: I wish you could marry him! Lol, well, him and anyone else in this game who happens to be an adult bachelor/ette. But him in particular -- I think even though he says he's happy being out in the wild (and I believe him), I still want to provide him a home and fresh food to come to if he ever wanted it. I know they added this in for Penny and Pam, but I wish there was something for Linus too. I really just wanna treat the guy and give him something in return somehow lmao.

Favorite friendship for this character: Err, I basically just kinda answered this above lol, since Linus doesn't really have any other relationships in the game, unfortunately.

My crossover ship: Well, not a ship, per se, but wouldn't it be so cool if Linus and Murrey from AWL knew each other in passing somehow? :)

#ask game #emeraldhaze15 #thank you <3

[unrelaxing]

Life has been different. I've been alone for nearly a month, since J had to go back to New Zealand for an unknown period of time. (This is a bigger part of the story, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it since it involves another person and this is a public blog, at the end of the day). It's not bad, being alone. I've been baking - I did a banoffee pie and a banana upside down cake. I finally convinced J to get an air-fryer, since we had to replace our rice cooker anyway.

Nowadayw, my routine consists of work, cleaning, reading, walking the dog, and re-watching Gravity Falls, over and over.

I think that last one is the only sign that maybe I'm impacted by being alone. I don't usually watch TV - and when I do re-watches it's usually when I'm sad. My last bout of depression involved me re-watching Gravity Falls over and over again, too. But... I don't actually feel depressed? I mean, I'm cleaning! I'm baking! More likely it's that even though I feel fine being alone, the house is too quiet without the TV on innthr background.

Borb's the one who seems to feel J's absence the most. He's gotten incredibly clingy, sometimes I'll turn and feel a wet nose on some part of my body, he's that close to me. I've started collecting photographs of his face being incredibly close to my camera. He also barks a lot more at night, as if J being gone means he has to be more alert. Which is offensive, really. Between the two of us, I'm a lot stronger than J. I'M THE PROTECTOR IN THIS FAMILY.

I took Borb for a blood and urine test since I have something that means those things are free annually. Good news is that his kidneys, liver, pancreas are all normal. Good electrolyte and salt levels. The lump on his chest remains benign. His perianal fistulae are healing well. His urine is not as concentrated as they'd like, but the vet is thinking that this could be caused by the medication he takes for the perianal fistula. He's ready for his vaccines, which I'll schedule soon.

I'm expecting to have to go to New Zealand for emergency reasons very soon, so this has been something I've been stressed about financially, and in terms of getting time off work, and in terms of Borb - his food, his vet visits, his medications. Even the plants. I'm glad for my parents, which solve at least Borb and the plants, even though I don't expect they'll have the time to take him to the vet. I'm only planning to be gone for two weeks, when the time comes, but I'm hoping to have a bit of time before I'll need to leave.

Last thing: I listened to You and I by Lady Gaga for maybe a hundred times in a row yesterday. Is this an OCD thing. Or just me being obsessive in my personality. Who knows.

#✎ #journal.