Carol: How much did you spend on this date?
Y/N: $1400. But all of it’s on credit cards, so it’s like $5 a month for the next 2000 years.
Y/N: YOU BETTER SHUT UP WHEN YOU TALK TO ME!
Bucky: OH YEAH?
Bucky: AND YOU BETTER CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME, BITCH!
Y/N: THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE, YOU STUPID SMART-ASS!
Bucky: THAT WAS ALSO A CONTRADICTORY STATEMENT!
Bucky: SO FUCK YOU! BITCH!
Steve: What is wrong with them?
Sam: At this point it’s better not to ask anymore.
Loki: I DO WHAT I WANT!
Thor: I’m calling mother
Loki: No wait
Steve: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.
Tony: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD’d in his own pool. Big difference.
Bucky shaking Y/N: Hey, wake up! I just murdered your entire family!
Y/N: But I live alone-
Bucky: UH ?!?!?
Bucky: Then who are these people in your house?
Y/N: There’s people in my house???
Bucky: Well, not anymore!
Bucky: Dumb bitch, you could’ve died!
Bucky leaving Y/N’s bedroom: You’re welcome.
Peter: I’m quick at math
Tony: Ok what’s 38 times 76?
Tony: That wasn’t even close
Peter: But it was quick
Y/N: No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!
Steve: Hey, watch your mouth!
Y/N: I am watching it. It’s empty. I need dessert!
Bucky: A good romance starts with a good friendship.
Y/N: And a bad romance starts with ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance.
Bucky: Remind me why I married you.
Tony: Steve you’re a lesbian right?
Steve: do I have depression? I don’t think so? Why are you asking me that?
Clint: what do you mean innuendos I never make innuendos!
Clint five seconds later: Can you move up a bit I’m trying to come beneath you.
Natasha: sometimes when a customer leaves the door open I go, slam it shut, and then stand in front of them and glare for a few seconds. They often will rip really well out of sheer terror.
Bruce: You’re really testing my limits. If you don’t fucking do your job I will break you
The coffee machine:
Tony: I’m so attractive, that’s why we’re busy today, the customers want to see my face
Thor: such a large ego for such a small man
Rhodey: the word you’re looking for is miniature
Tiny: Tony: you’re supposed to be mature!
Tony: I’d make a great chiropractor. I break people’s backs every night
Bruce: chiropractors fix backs
Tony: if no backs are broke their are no backs to fix. Break the back for a pay check. Have you never heard that phrase?
Bruce: no because you just made it up
Peter: Do you think when sheep go to sleep they count themselves?
Tony: Peter go to bed.
Peggy: You can’t follow me into fire!
Jarvis: Then don’t run into fire!
Maria, to Cooper: you can’t solve problems with a knife!
Maria: Nat don’t you dare!
Natasha, retrieving five knives from her back holster: that’s why I have multiple of them!
Natasha: name a more iconic duo than my trust issues and my overwhelming anxiety. l’ll wait.
Maria: you and me!
Natasha: *slightly tearing up* l- fine
Maria: why would you give an assassin a knife?!
Clint: Natasha felt unsafe
Maria: well now I feel unsafe
Clint: would you like a knife?
Maria: *face palms*
Maria: what are you doing here?
Clint: I should ask you the same question.
Maria: this is my office.
Clint: …I should ask you a different question.
Clint: when I’m murdered I’m gonna make sure my case is unsolved.
Clint: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved
Maria: can we go back to the bit where he said “WHEN I’m murdered”?
Maria: I had a terrible dream last night. Clint was in it.
Maria: did you hear an “and”?
Bucky: WHO ATE MY PLUMS?
Steve: Don’t look at me.
Bucky: SAM, WAS IT YOU?
Sam: *Looks at Y/N*
Sam: It was Y/N.
Y/N: SAM YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN´T TELL!
Bucky: Oh, it was you, baby? Were they good? Want some more?
Sam: This motherf-
Peter: Who the fuck–
Peter: Whom the fuck–