Thor, post-coronation: heimdall you have committed treason quite frequently

Heimdall: yes, my king

Thor: can I trust you to commit treason against me should it become necessary?

Heimdall: of course, my king

Thor: you’re already planning treason, aren’t you

Heimdall: it’s how our government stays functioning

Thor: good, good. Well, don’t let me stop you, just make sure to surprise me when it happens

Teacher: Okay Peter, What historical or passed down item did you bring for us today?

Peter: What I brought has been through WWII. They are very ancient, old. They change our history and I’m glad to bring them to represent today’s presentation. Be careful though, it is fragile and most likely to break.

Steve & Bucky sitting in a chair in the front of the class, staring at him confusingly:...

Peter: They are also very delicate that you can’t put them near ice or anything cold.

Bucky: you know what Parker—

anyone: the probability of you getting attacked by a huge gang of aliens coming down from outer space is low but never zero

everyone from mcu New York: it’s high bitch, it’s fucking high

Bucky: WHO ATE MY PLUMS?

Steve: Don’t look at me.

Bucky: SAM, WAS IT YOU?

Sam: *Looks at Y/N*

Y/N:

Sam: It was Y/N.

Y/N: SAM YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN´T TELL!

Bucky: Oh, it was you, baby? Were they good? Want some more?

Sam: This motherf-

Bucky *screeching*: YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME!

Y/N: wh-

Bucky: YOU’RE ESSENTIAL TO MY EXISTENCE!

Y/N:why are you screaming??

Bucky: BECAUSE I HAVE TROUBLE EXPRESSING MYSELF! IT HELPS TO YELL SENTIMENTAL THINGS IN AN AGRESSIVE TONE!

Y/N: I-

Bucky: I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

Bonus:

Dr Strange, meditating: Finally, let me just relax and—

Wong: hey look, that Spider-Kid is a criminal, Maximoff girl held an entire town hostage and tried to change reality, there’s also an alternate branch in time back in 2012 where Loki escaped with the Tesseract.

Dr. Strange:...

Wong: Look at the bright side, I found some money to buy us TWO Tuna Melt :)

peter: yes I make bad decisions that put me in a lot of danger

Tony: but?

peter: no that’s it

Rhodey: he reminds me of someone

Steve: You know Buck, not every problem can be solved with a gun.

Bucky: That's why I carry two guns.

Bucky: I'm asking for your permission to date your brother

Sarah: what is this? the dark ages? you know what, since you asked, no, you can't. beat me in a duel

A typical Saturday evening at the compound

requested by @steveandbvcky

insp

Sam: You ever wanna talk about your emotions, Bucky?

Bucky: No.

Zemo: I do!

Sam: We know Zemo.

Zemo: I’m sad.

Bucky and Sam: Shut the hell up Zemo.

Sam: What’s your blood type?

Bucky, bleeding out: How would I know?

Sam: How would you not?

Bucky: Who am I, Karl Landsteiner, discoverer of blood groups?

Sam: You don’t know your own blood type but you know who discovered them?!?!

Hugs

Y/N: Have you seen Loki?

Thor: No. Do you need something?

Y/N: Just a hug.

Thor: Well I can help with that.

Loki: *appearing out of literally nowhere and hugging you* Noooo.

Y/N: Christ, Loki. You scared me. Where did you even come from?

Loki: I felt a disturbance in the force. Thor was about to hug my little mortal.

Y/N: Has Peter been teaching you pop culture references again?

Peter: my only talent is breathing

MJ: you have asthma moron

Bucky, calling the police: hello? 911? i think my friend’s trying to poison me, please help

Sam: How many time do i have to tell you, ITS FUCKING SEASONING

Walker: Bucky isn’t answering his phone.

Sam: I’ll call.

Walker: Lemar and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-

Bucky, answering on the first ring: Hello?

Sam: Hey did you get their calls?

Bucky: Whose?

Sam:

Sam: You blocked Walker didn’t you?

Bucky: First thing I did when he got my number.

🔪🔪💕💕

insp

Tony: *goes into peters room*

Peter: *closes laptop*

Tony: guess it’s just you and me tonight

Peter: okay, I’ll be down soon

Tony: *leaves and barges back in* whAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME

Peter: pORN

Tony: DONT LIE TO ME

Peter: fine I’m trying to send a message to this girl

Nick Fury: Do you know why I recruited you?

Peter Parker: I assumed you'd lost a bet.